Threedom - Threevisiting: That Implies Toys

Episode Date: May 19, 2026

Threevisiting on the Tues: Lauren, Paul and Scott talk about sneaking into places, passwords and listen to voicemails! Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/shop

Lemonado The other day I was just, you know, hanging out on the couch, watching my dog have a total case of the Zumi's. She went from zero to maximum chaos and half a second flat. As if gravity was just a suggestion and furniture was totally optional. I love her to death, of course, but there is always that tiny moment where I wonder if we're about to have a real problem. A quick message from today's sponsor,

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insurance is underwritten by either Independence American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance Company and provided by PTC Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. I don't know about you, but I like keeping my money where I can see it. And that means you must not know about me. Unfortunately, traditional big wireless characters, characters. Well, these guys are kind of characters. I'm talking about big wireless carriers. They also seem to like keeping my money, too.

After years of overpaying for wireless, I finally got fed up with that crazy high wireless bill, bogus fees, and free perks that actually cost more in the long run. And I switched to Mint Mobile. I advise you to do the same. I care about you. Stop overpaying for wireless just because that's how it's always been, a disgusting attitude that thwarts progress.

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bucks a month. Look, if I had needed this product, that's what I'd use, but I don't have a phone. I do all my business by Pigeon. If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's mintmobile.com slash threedium.

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See Mint Mobile for details. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, mint mobile. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.

Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.

Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. It's called freedom and you heard us say it a bunch. And that's why we said it because that's what it's called.

We wouldn't have called it that. We wouldn't have said it if we didn't call it that. Do we say it three times? We do say it three times. Yeah, because freedom appeared in the mirror. My knee under the table. No, you idiot. So when freedom appears in the mirror, what are you supposed to say?

You say, hi, freedom. Hey, girl. It's like Barbie. We are freedom and we say hi to freedom. Do we have to say it backwards three times to make a disappear? Three trimes? Three times. Yeah, you messed up. Say it three chimes. Say it three chimes. Say it three chimes.

Three chimes. Three chimes. What is that? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing at all. You're fruity pebbles, baby. You're fruity pebbles, baby. Ding-dong. We need fruity pemble shirts. That's what I was supposed to play us. Pembles. We need fruity Pemble shirts. We need fruity Pemble's shirts. You're fruity pebbles, baby. It is the perfect expectation. No, it should be literally you as Barney, you as Fred.

I'm not Barney. Well, you're blonde, quote unquote. What about a blonde Fred and a brunette Barney? What about a redhead Velma? That's how we don't get sued. And then who am I? Pebbles, stupid. Oh, great, pebbles, yeah.

Who else would you be? You're right. I was thinking maybe the dinosaur. I think Scott. Dino? Should be Fred. I'll be Wilma. And then you'll be Pebbles.

And I'll see if Rudy Peebles, baby. Can someone draw that and we'll make it a shirt? Yeah. And you'll get a cut of the proceeds, I'm sure. Yeah, $20 or so, I think. Yeah, we'll sell one shirt. For $750.

All we guys sell is one. It'll be like Wu-Tang. We'll make one really expensive t-shirt. We are like Wu-Tang. In a lot of ways. We're nothing to fuck with. Sure. I mean, that's a given.

Some of us are dead. That's right. This used to be fivedom and the fifedom. If, All dirty freedom. Let's just say it now. If one of you guys dies, we'll continue doing the show.

Yes. If I die, shows over. That's too weird. That's true. It's too weird. Yeah. Yeah.

It'd be too much of a dude party. Because you could just do your other CBB talkback show. Huh? You know, the little show you do. Do a little talk back about the TV. Will you gift us the show to do whatever we want with it, to manipulate your voice, do whatever.

do whatever we want. In perpetuity throughout the known universe? Yeah, for $100 right now. Okay. Paul, do you have $100? No. Oh, shit. I can't scrape it together.

Let's call the bank. Be-bo-bap-bo-bup. Hello, bank. Yeah, hi. It's Scott and Paul. Sorry, I can hear those two people talk. It's Scott and Paul. We're very excited.

We need $100. Oh, it's Scott and Paul. Yeah. Let me pull up your file. Oh, shit. Okay, the fly just came out of my computer. Oh, no. Brung the fly?

Is it the ring? Oh, it was a long, fly with long hair, just crawled out of my computer. And I guess I'm going to die in seven D's. Uh, D's nuts, of course. Oh, shit. Okay, gotcha. You want 100 what now? Dollars.

Okay, you mean doll hairs, don't you? No, dollars. Just actual U.S. currency. We're trying to buy, you know Lauren? Yeah, of course. Yeah, we're trying to buy her likeness forever. Okay, I think it's worth a little more than that. Don't tell her that.

This is the price that she gave us. Okay, that's her fault. But, women don't know their worth, and I'm always saying this. Boy, that's true. Do you want to call her? Yeah. Be-bo-bo-bo-pub-pub. Hello, Lauren. Oh, I'm sorry. You got the phone? Yeah. Okay, I'll hang up. Hi, is this Lauren? Yeah. Hi, this is the bank. Hi, bank. Look, I heard from your buddies. Lauren, who is it? You're willing to sell your for... Shut up, bank. Shut up, bank. You're willing to sell your likeness for a $100.

What's that bank? Sorry. I just heard from some. Scott and Paul that you were going to sell them your likeness for $100 in perpetuity. Yeah, you think that's too much. Should I say 50? Too low, sweetie. You could at least get 500. Really? Thousand point million.

Can I have that? I will give it to you. Okay. And I'll sign the contract with them, kind of in an Ursula way. It's me, Mike. Hold on a second. Bank is it. What is it?

I'm on the telephone. I got this script idea. Citizen Kane. Who? Citizen Kane. Who wants to see a movie about? a citizen. Aren't they all about citizens? Exactly, bake. I got to go. Bye, I love you. Bebo, but I'm back to on the phone with you. Hey, it's Scott Morn. So I just

spoke with her. I mean, Paul and Scott. I'm Scott. I know what you meant. I just spoke on the phone with her and I'm going to give her $500,000 point million. You're going to give her that? And I'll sign the contracts with you guys here to get her likeness, but my name's going to be on it. I'm going to stamp it with my notary stamp and we'll be all good. Is that a conflict of interest, you being a notary and a bank? Yikes. Hold on a second. You're missing the headline here, which is that Lauren's getting paid.

We don't even have to pay her for the likeness. What? So we just own it. We just own it forever? For nothing. And we can make monies? Yeah. Oh my gosh.

Let's do it. What do we want her to? Yeah. Let's test out the technology. It sounds like you guys are going to just have a personal conversation. Oh, I assumed you hung up. No, I ran away, but I came back because my phone was off the hook and I heard you were still talking. Oh, hey.

Is that your call waiting? That was me hanging up. Oh. Oh. Wait a minute. Let's test out the technology and have Lauren say something really weird. Okay. Okay.

Type in something. Okay. And press send and Lauren will say it. I like to put my own foot in my mouth. Love it. Hey, what are you guys doing? Oh, hi Lauren. Computer stuff.

Yeah, men's computer. Why didn't it sound like my voice was coming out of that computer? Oh, we were watching what are your videos? Oh, what are your funny, funny videos? You like my funny videos. Yeah. That's so nice. Viral videos?

You're known for things like the latest Jurassic. You're pregnant, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're watching your pregnancy video. Funny, funny videos. I love going viral. What did you come to see us about? So I wanted to pitch a little something.

So I recently acquired a lot of cash. And I was planning an opening a water park. And I'm wondering if you guys wanted to be a, investors. Let me talk to Paul about it. Do you mind hanging out here one second? I can hang out. Do you have any water?

She obviously wants water. I mean, tap. Maybe that's good enough. Okay, let's find out. Okay. Hey, we probably could give you a gallon of tap. I meant more something like $100,000 to $200,000 a piece. Dollars?

Dollars and water different things. Yeah. Forget it. Water makes dollars wet. What if What if? No, I said bye. What?

She just said bye and closed your eyes. Cachunk. Oh my God. That sounded her eyelids. I physically hung up on you. Oh, my God. All right. Okay.

What if we say you can use our hose and we will pay the water bill in exchange for a cut of the profits. Okay, let's say. Okay. Hey, Lauren. What? A nightmare. What happened? What happened?

What were we dreaming? This tracula was trying to. do some crazy stuff at a movie theater. Like biting at a American theater? No, he was like getting in front of the screen and going like, ah. Was it a vampire movie? I don't know. It was like a dream.

I don't care. If it was a vampire movie, that would be thrilling. It was a dream. It's going away. I don't even know what it was. Okay, okay. It was just a dream, dream, dream, dream. Oh, she's still dreaming.

She's been dreaming this whole time. And we're back. Hey, Lauren, you just fell asleep during our Threaton podcast. I did? Yeah. It's crazy. I dream. you guys were going to use my likeness in perpetuity.

Why would we do that? I don't know. That would be nuts. Yeah. We're not going to do anything like that. No. We don't know how. Type this into your computer.

Okay. Hey, it's me, Lauren. Excuse me. I love racism. What? Are you sure it didn't say raising nuts? Oh, sorry. Oh, there's a typo.

Autocracks. It always auto corrects to racism. That's really weird. Why is it? Do you think goobers made that happen? Big Goober. Like goober computer technicians? Goober,

Goober Computer Technoogism. Goober Commission. The Warren Commission made this happen. Goober. Goober. If you had to eat one movie theater candy for the rest of your life, what would it be? Oh, I got, there's two in mind. Yeah.

Yeah. Number two, milk duds. I don't even know that I've ever. I love milk duds. Wait, they're malted? I thought there were peanuts and chocolate. You're thinking of whoppers, Jim. I'm thinking of whoppers.

What are milk duds? Milk duds are chocolate and caramel, and they're very chewy. They're not peanuts? No, that's goobers. Oh, but then what's a raisinette? Raisin is a raisin is a raisin. Okay, hold on. I never really explored all those when I was kid.

I would always get bunch of crunch and I would get... I'd get a... Oh, yeah. Yeah. Nestle. Nestle... But nowadays... I know that's what I would get though

Well also my mother My mother would sneak the candy in That was the one The one un-Christian thing She would allow herself to do Well it was always really fun She allowed herself to do Do do do do do

We was the one on Christian Things To allow herself to do Do do Do do do do Jesus said Don't take that candy In the movie theater

Do do do do You got a And her under Cecil what is Seasles? And that means concession. It was the one-on-Christian thing that she would do. She would speak that kid in the movie fit or two. It was a one-on-Christian thing that's called Mama would do. That's a good song.

That's a really good song. There's no way around that. And look, we joke around a lot on here. No, no, we're always kidding. Paul, that's a hit. It's a hit, right? That's a hit. That's a number one with a bullet. Yes.

That debuts at number one. Speaking of number one, yeah. Junior Mints. Oh. Those are really good, but you know, I can't eat them.

I can't eat a whole box in one. I don't give a shit what you eat or what you don't eat. But did you ever get nervous when you brought stuff into the movie theater and then you had to like, you had to like open your pop and you'd like, and you like, oh, I know I have a can of Coke and you thought like a police officer was going to come in and escort you to jail.

My friend and I, we did this a few times where he would, he would buy a. a ticket and then open the side door and let me in. And then... That's real dirty. And then we got caught once and they were like, do you have your ticket stubs? And because he had the one, he was like, oh, I have mine.

I was like, oh, I lost mine. But because we had one, they were like, couldn't kick us out, but they're like, we're watching you. Yeah, something seems. I can't figure out how this could have worked, but... I know. We never did it again, though. So it did work.

Are you without the ticket stub? You can stay. don't even remember what movie was but probably maybe that's actually weird you don't remember I remember the theater I don't remember what movie Orange County Apple 6 Buena Park 8 The Orange County Apple 6

Doesn't it sound real? It does sound real Would you guys sneak into things ever? I've stuck in two movies I suck in to Well you know the famous story when we went to see what? Famous?

We said we were going to see Mr. Bean, but we saw. That's right. I saw Dr. Bean. I remember sneaking in with a young lady to see the, Mr. Pean. We didn't intend to sneak in, but there was nobody there at the box office. Whoa. So we just like walked in.

We were very early. And then we were sitting there, we were like, we just, I guess movies are free now everywhere. And then we heard somebody come in and we, we like hid on the floor. the disgusting floor of the movie theater. And it was worth it to you. It seemed worth it to it. We were like in our early 20s. Yeah.

And it seemed like we had to do that. Yeah. The $2 you were saving was important. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, back then, it was a quarter. But, oh, I also snuck into a concert one time. I got there early and said I was reviewing it for the city paper.

Wow. That's genius. It was the Pogs. And you just didn't have a ticket? You couldn't afford it. And you had no relationships of the paper. None.

And the guy at the door didn't care. Great. Did not care. It's a good lie because who gives a shit? There's no way the guy believed me.

He was like, okay. Really? Yeah, I don't think he cared. How old were you? Again, in my early 20. Right. And you're like, Hi, sir.

I'm reviewing this show for the local star. And he's like, uh, okay. He would probably have a ticket still. I'm with the press. Yeah, I don't think they just give Why would it a one-off show from a band

Right Why would they have the paper Why are you reviewing it? Why? It was good. I'm sure he's like 23 too. The Pogues came out. The lights went down.

Everything was amazing and electric at the Alamo. That was when I discovered That the Pogs had a mosh pit element to their shows. And you're like, I'm just a little reporter. Yeah. Freedom of the press. You were embedded. Just a little reporter.

Were you pushed around in it? Oh yeah, and I got out of it immediately. Yeah, you're like, oh, I was like, yeah, this is not my scene. I'm going to go back to it at the bar. Oh, my God, wait. I just got my mom sent some old papers to me, like old. What kind of papers? Spapers.

Old writings of mine. Oh, boy. Ranging from age seven to college. There's just like a variety of things in this box. Could you tell which was which? Yeah. My writing has remained the same since I was a child. I wrote some good stories when I was in second grade.

That was my role, my writing, period. The next paragraph, and you'll find out. Totally. So my college papers, I, like, glanced at one, and I was like, ah, I sound smart. Like, I was like, those were the good old days when I would, like, try to use vocabulary or something. And then we got stoned and read the papers, and they're not, I mean, it wasn't smart. It was hilarious.

It was, like, so funny. I'm clearly filling space. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I'm analyzing a poem for eight pages. I'm like, yeah, there's some bullshit in here. I remember the things I wrote when I was in high school and college and they're terrible. Yeah. Like, like, why do they make you write things when you're so young and you can't write anything?

It's so brutal. I remember when we started to have to type things. Yeah. When I was in high school, you could, you didn't write like write out your essays or whatever anymore. You had to type them. And my mom, my mom had an electric typewriter. and she had different font heads, you know? Yeah.

Cool. And so there was one that was like a capitals, all capitals, and then the actual capital letters would be a little bit bigger, but in all caps. And remember a teacher of mine had a problem with that. Yeah, they're like, this is not professional. Yeah, it's like, what do you fucking care? Oh, well, a lot of the notes on my papers were like,

please see how to actually cite this properly. And I'm like, I don't care. Do you understand how uncool you sound right now? Do you understand how much I don't care about citing this properly? When I was in elementary, they typed everything like the official school stuff. You're in the TV show Elementary. Yeah. Abbott Elementary.

Oh. Abbott Elementary should meet the show Elementary. Crossover. Elementary, Abbott Elementary or Abbott Elementary Elementary. End the strike. Abit Elementary. Elementary, Abbott Elementary. Abbott Elementary.

Yeah. Yes. But they would send everything out in those. cursive typewriter stuff. Oh, yes. Yeah, that's always a crazy. That to me it was like real church bulletin type font. It's a pretty font.

No one's. So when you were, when you changed it out, did you have to just pull off all the letters and put other letters? How did you do that? No, it's like a, it would be like a ball. Yeah, yeah. Because it's just all the hammers. Yeah, and you press a button and the ball changes.

Oh. And then it was an electric typewriter dear. It was not. I didn't know that. I missed what that meant. I wasn't sitting there in my, smoking my camels with my whiskey by the side. Electric typewriter.

I actually don't think I know the difference. Well, you plug one in. But what does it do? It goes, chik, chik, chik, chik, chik. It does it for you? It has, yeah, you just tell it what to type. Oh, okay. Type writer.

Type B, a paper. Curseif font. It's about James Joyce. But like, I actually don't know what. No, it is this ball, right? So that you hit the keys. And the ball moves around. moves around. So instead of individual keys,

instead of the, I'm miming these for Lauren. Instead of these things. Oh, the ball has the letters on it. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And the, and it sends an can't imagine an electrical imprint. I can't. That's Cuberts. Yes, Cuberts. Essentially Cubert. Yeah. I'm interested actually. I don't, I don't know that I've ever even played with one of those. Well, who are you? Tom Hanks? You don't have to. I, I like to have a little typewriter set up in my office with just a hundred different typewriters that I think are cool.

I would love to have the space where I could dedicate a room to useless things that I just like to look at. I know. I told you about my friend in college you had. Oh my God. We all had two bedroom apartments and he had the money to only have one bedroom and in the other bedroom he had

just a typewriter and a desk for all of his poems. It's honestly so and he just seems so cool. Did he sell these poems for $1? Yeah. Like on the show we like? Yeah, we like it. We like that show. Can you, if you were to type something in like final draft, or not final draft, but like word or something, could you do the cursive font? Do they still have that anymore? Oh yeah.

I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the cursive font. I'm big into fonts. We were talking, I love fonts. Really? What's your favorite font? Your FF. Oh my God. I love a branded printed double shadow. Oh. That's stunning. Have you ever thought of creating a Paul F. Tompkins font?

Yeah, just like based on my handwriting and it looks like shit. No, but I mean, you could, you could create one that, that is actually unique. I feel like trying to, that would break my brain. Hmm. Let's do it. So your brain is broken.

No, I want my brain. I want your brains. I think you can do it. I want your brain. Brain is natural. Brain is fun. We were just talking, Mike and I were just talking about how

Microsoft Word is now a subscription based. What? Get the fuck out of here. That's not fair. Pages. And then, yeah, we use Pitch. Then I also, my computer broke that I had

funnier die final draft on that was weird I used to have funnier die on it I can't access it anymore I used to see the landlord video whenever I wanted I kept my old laptop because I had funnier die on it I had final draft and then I got a new computer and then I had to like get it again because

the code didn't fucking work like this is bull how many times I had to pay hundreds of dollars to use this thing that fucking final draft code is like that is like a key to a treasure map you have to protect it at all that I know But the Microsoft thing bothers me so much because Microsoft, you have several different passwords for different Microsoft things. Right.

Right? Or you have to keep changing it. It's so frustrating so that I will be doing a live show and then like, I want to access this document so I can make notes before I, you know, the show starts. And then it's like, that's the wrong password. I'm like, well, which I can't remember which password I'm supposed to put in for this. I'm really. What are your passwords? Is this the same as the fucking, you know, Xbox password?

Or, you know, it's like... What's your Xbox password? It is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. X. Whoa. It'd be better if you just made it 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1. Because you wouldn't have to move the mouse. What about 69, 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9.

6, 6, 6,000. I like that. 420. And then, like, the security question is, what's your favorite thing? And then you're like, oh, yeah, 6, 9, 6, 9, 69, 69. I heard a story on another podcast called Election Profit Makers, which is... We don't talk about other podcasts. on this show.

Okay. All right. Go ahead. Bruno. We don't talk about podcast. No, no, no. I thought you meant

Sasha Berger. We don't talk about podcast. He was trying to be our Woody. What in that movie were you? Why I hear Bruno? The first thing I think

of is the famous Sasha Barron color character that everyone loves. It was a podcast. hosted by two white men. Everybody narrowed it down to one million and ten. We have to take a break

when we come back. We'll hear about this podcast. If you'd like to know more, continue listening. Okay. I don't know about you, but I like keeping my money where I can see it. And that means you must not know about me. Unfortunately, traditional big wireless characters, characters.

Well, these guys are kind of characters. I'm talking about big wireless carriers. They also seem to like keeping my money too. After years of overpaying for wireless. I finally got fed up with that crazy high wireless bill. Bogus fees. and a free perks that actually cost more in the long run. And I switched to Mint Mobile.

I advise you to do the same. I care about you. Stop overpaying for wireless just because that's how it's always been, a disgusting attitude that thwarts progress. Mint exists purely to fix that. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at $15 a month. All plans come with high-speed data in unlimited talks.

and text delivered in the nation's largest 5G network. FiveGh! Bring your own phone and number, activate with ESIM in minutes, and start saving immediately. No long-term contracts, and that means no hassle. Ditch overpriced wireless and get three months of premium wireless service from MintMobile for 15 bucks a month. Look, if I had needed this product, that's what I'd use, but I don't have a phone. I do all my business by Pigeon.

If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop plans at Mintmobile.com slash Freedom. That's mintmobile.com slash 3Dium. Threadium? No. Freedom. Why did we call it 3Dium? Mintmobile.com slash freedom.

Upfront payment of $45 for three-month five-gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months, only then full-price, options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Ho-ho-ho-ho, Mint Mobile. If you know me, you know I love clothes. I'm kind of a bit of a horse about them. And lately, I've been more intentional about what I wear day-to-day, leaning into pieces that feel effortless, comfortable and still put together like my fashion idol, the late Diane Keaton. It just makes getting dressed simpler. Quince has been my good-to-go-to for you. The fabrics feel elevated. The fits are flattering and everything just works without overthinking it. Quince makes it easy to refresh your

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I need to be comfortable and I need to look sharp. So I'm accomplishing both. Thank you, Quince. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com slash freedom for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. that's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash Threatom for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash Threatom. And we're back.

And Paul, before we left, was going to tell us about another podcast, which you could be listening to instead, or you could listen to Paul talk about it. It is behind a paywall, though. Okay. And you are willing to pay. I'm willing to pay. These are two friends of mine. They're very funny.

David Reese and John Kimball. to show called election profit makers. And David was telling a story about some job that he had where there was some piece of equipment or technology that required a password. The guy that knew the password left, he left the job. And then David, I think, took over the job and he had to get in this thing. He couldn't find the password. And he had to write to the guy and say, hey, what's the password for this thing?

And the password was six. No. That's so funny to have to say that. And he said the guy had no, like, it's, you know, it's embarrassing, but it's like, it was just like, it's a joke. That's so dumb. I mean, good idea. Great idea.

Yeah, it's what you're always thinking about it. Oh, my God. You'll never forget it. Our house Wi-Fi password. Your housewife, I? Wi-Fi. Our house wife. Now you're just looking for holes.

Your housewife, I can't help it. I can't help it. I fell into a crazy place. But it's fart, fart, which makes us laugh. And we always, like, when it's a friend, it always makes us laugh to say. But then when, like, me or someone I work with has to say it over the phone to a technician or whatever, we always try to disguise it by saying, okay, it's F-A, R-T-F, A, R-T-F. And then usually they'll type it and go, ha-ha. You guys are fun.

You know what? I'm not going to charge you $1,000 for this. R-T-F. R-A, what is that, I'm going to, U-S, A-T-R-A-R-A-Y-M-A-F-R-T-R-T-R-T-R-A-R-T-R-F-A-R-T-F-R-A-V-R-F-R-A-R-F-R-E-V-R-F-E-V-F-E-V-F-E-V-F-E-V-F-F-E-V-F-EV-F-E-V-F-F-E-V-E-V-F-E-F-E-F-E-V-F-F-E-E-V-E-F-E-V-E-F-E-E-F-E-F-E-F-E-V-E-E-E-F-E-E-V-E-V-E Joe Pesci. Because Sheneid died, there's a lot of articles about... Joe Pesci. Well, he comes up a lot because... Why?

He was the host the following week. Of us and out? If I was there, I would have to smack the... I have to admit something. I've read five of those articles. I don't know why, but I've read it as Joe Piscopo each time. And I've just been imagining Joe Piscop... But probably because he played Frank Sinai...

Because it's always followed... Sinatra. Sinatra also said this and I guess I'd been conflating it the whole time. Frank Sinatra said something about it. Yeah. He was like I would have slapped her or whatever. The hell's wrong with everyone. Yeah, I know.

What do you care? I know. I know. I hate. Everyone just loved the Pope. They loved the Catholic people. I think he liked slapping women. I was praying for him.

You passed out praying for him. You loved him so much. What? And then years later it came to pass. You always pray about the Pope. I hear you every night. I do always pray about the Pope. Yeah.

But Paul, tell. tell the story, please, of what happened two nights ago, was it, when you were talking in your sleep? Talking in your sleep. I hear the secrets that you can. I very rarely talk in my sleep, but it's happened a handful of times over the years. And every time it happens, I'm not like somebody that talks in my sleep, like mumbles and then I continue to sleep. You don't say your passwords in your sleep, do you? Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. He's talking about his passwords. He must be talking about his passwords. Go type it in. Read his e-on. Read his e-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-se. I'm going to bank.com immediately.

Sex. It's just three letters and that's your whole power. Yeah, for everything. It's like it says you need more and you're like, nope, trust me. If you put sex, you figure it out. If you put sex, the computer goes, that one works. Yeah. By the way, it's getting too confusing with everything you have to add to passwords now, right?

It's too much. It's too much. Like you got to put this in. I'm used to it now. I'm used to it now. No, but see, here's the thing. I feel like I started using like, Google's like hard, strong passwords.

You're just now using Google? Oh my God. And I let them do the password because and I save it or something because I go, but a lot, I used to write them all down because I always forget my password. Sure. And then I started doing that and I'm like, well, let the computer remember it. But then my computer died and I had to do this on the new computer. It doesn't remember.

It didn't remember. Oh. But the, but the, da, da, da, da, yeah, yeah. Not all. I don't know. Or whatever I had. I had them saved on the website, the individual website. Exactly.

It's supposed to remember in the cloud, but then like if it remembers it in Chrome, then it won't necessarily remember it on your phone. And it's a nightmare for me personally. And I don't want you to speak. And I struggle. I struggle with passwords. And Mike always thinks I'm annoying because I don't know what they are for anything. Okay.

The end. What I like to do, I, I am into like the special characters and all that stuff because I come up with a little phrase or something for places that I use a lot. Yeah. So that I can remember them. Yeah. Okay. And so I'll type that out using the characters and all that shit, replacing letters with numbers.

That's smart. Yeah. And so I have like a certain system that I use and so is just incumbent upon me to remember the phrase. Some of them like Microsoft, which I've had to change so many times, it will feature like an expression of rage at the website. It will feature an expression. Your password is like how upset you are. Oh, you're like piece of shit website. Exactly. He should have a shit website that describes my penis.

There was one, I think it was like, Twitter. There was like, it was like for CVS or something like that where the password and I remember I had to like go into my passwords and show it and everything. And the password was please God. Yeah. My mom does a unique password for every single thing. And it's something unique to that. So if it's like Instagram, which I don't think she has. it'll be like, we love to take pictures, 19-20, 23 or whatever.

That's not that far from what I do. But she can't remember any of them, so she has to write them down in a notebook. And then, like, I've seen her do this, like, flip through the pages of the notebook. No, I have that. I have that notebook. I have that fucking password notebook. And then I misplace it. And then I go, I can't find my notebook.

And then whenever I change the password, so I can't find the notebook, so then I'll just make a new password. Then I don't write it in the notebook. Then the notebook's useless. It's like, it's a serious. The movie, the notebook should be about this. This is a thing that we face in my home regularly. Does the notebook have a special place where it's supposed to go? No.

That's what you need to do. You're right. You need a notebook place. You're right. Okay. The notebook always goes here. That's a good idea. Underneath.

And you know what the notebook needs. A really good pencil with a good eraser attached. Because it never has a pen. Then I go, oh, fuck it. And then it's your, yeah, exactly. There you go. It's a real nightmare. If you're buying something for Lauren for Christmas,

it's this notebook and a pen. And it's attached. Yeah. I already have it. And a safe. But you need the little pencil. I got a pencil. I just need to put it.

Hey! I didn't get golf pencils. Those have erasers, motherfucker. Here's a question. I need a pencil with a really good eraser. Why don't you get a big pink pearl? I have a pencil that has an old eraser that's like basically rubbing a piece of plastic on it. Hey, dummy.

Yeah. Why don't you take pictures? of all the pages and then you'll have a backup. Because then it goes to the cloud and someone could hack and see it. But then by then

all your websites will be hacked anyway. Why don't you instead of taking a photograph, draw the page with all the passwords on it? Okay. Into a poster,

into wallpaper. And just hanged in the house. All your passwords are hidden in wallpaper all over the house. If you could make wallpaper with your hidden passwords all over it.

It looks like Paisley's and stuff like that. Do people out there struggle with this? I want to know. Tell me in the poll. Okay. No, of course they do. Yeah. And if they don't, fuck you.

Yeah. Yeah. Here's my story. Yeah. Sad but true. Oh, no. About a girl that I once do. So far, so good. So when I do talk in my sleep, which is very rare, I don't, I will talk at conversational volume and I will wake myself up. Wow. And so I'm waking up hearing myself say the sentence and it's jarring and weird. And so the other night, I, I, I, I, I,

book, both Janie and myself up saying this exactly like this. His name was Jesus Christ and everybody loved him except the Romans. That's crazy. I was dreaming what I was doing an Andrew Lloyd Weber bit for somebody and that was the end of the bit. And for I don't, what makes your brain do this? I don't know. It made me say it out loud.

It's so funny that I, it's an actual funny line. It's coherent. Yeah. Like, it's like, how is that? I feel like I've had dreams where I say something really funny in my dream and I'm like laughing. I'm like, that was so funny. I laughed in my sleep a bunch. Yeah.

Yeah. But I don't remember usually. I've had girlfriends tell me that I laugh at my sleep. You've had sex. We just, we just sleep together. So they laughed during sex, then you laugh when you fall asleep. Yeah, that's right. I laugh thinking about them laughing.

But when I, so I asked, so this girlfriend I had told me that I laughed to my sleep and I said, what did it, what does it sound like? And chilling. She said. Oh, Jesus Christ. It was horrible. Oh my God. I have woke up laughing, though, like, like full on laughing at something. That's fun.

It is a lot of fun. Yeah. But it's so disorienting. It's so late now. Okay. I am asleep. My name's Paula Kumpkin. Wait, what did I just say?

I feel like I was talking. I just woke myself up. What did I just say? You didn't say anything. I heard, I heard Paul say his name. name was Paula Tompkins when I was asleep. That's what I heard. Guys, I pretended to be asleep.

I wasn't really asleep. What? And Lauren, you said I'm, my name is Paul F. Tompkins. That's crazy. To what end? Scott, you just said snores. I said snores, snores, snore, snore. Yeah.

I think I was dreaming about snoring, so I was saying snore, snore, snore, snore. Can you imagine. Snore, snore, snore, snore. How do you like it? How do you like it? How do you like it? Snore, snore, snore. Do you?

I do you? Yeah. regularly? On the regs? Freaks? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Freaks?

Uh, no. I think I, at most, will go like, every once in a while. Yeah. When I was pregnant, I snored really bad. Wow. That was the baby. You can always say that was the baby.

I think it was. Do you think it's because you had to sleep on your back more? And yeah, back inside. And then, like, it's just, everything was pressed up on everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know.

I slah, I, I don't snore. often, but I go, I will go through like a phase of snoring for like a few weeks or something like that. Yeah. You're just like, I'm over it. Yeah, she doesn't snore all the time. And Jane will be like, he's just going through a phase. She's probably like her friend. She's calling people up on him asleep saying, look, if you hear Paul snoring. He's just going through a phase. He's not bored. It's just one of these little things he does from time to time. My older brother used to snore like, we shared a room and he snored like crazy. Really? It was brutal. That's really annoying. And I had friends stay over my house who snored so.

loudly. It was hilarious. You could hear it from the guest. Yep. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Snoring, I mean, you can't help it. Why do we have it? Oh my God. One time, what's it doing for us? My friend. Evolution doesn't exist because obviously if it did, we would eliminate snoring. Although, or is it something to scare away animals? That's probably what it is.

What about your friend? My friend, Big Dipper, the famed rapper. Big Dipper? Big Dipper. Not the console. We, yeah, we grew up together and we, in high school, we were having a co-ed sleepover with a bunch of theater kids. It was like one big room in my friend's house and we all were sleeping on the floor. And he was snoring so loud and I reached over and slapped him on the chest really hard because I was an idiot teenager. You know, I'm like, shut up. And it hurt him so bad. He was like, ow.

I was like, I'm so sorry. I didn't know what I was doing. You know, like, it was just like, it's a thing of like where you're just like, you think. He didn't realize your own strength. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're waking up out of a sleep. I didn't think it was going to hurt him. Yeah, it was more like just like, stop.

And then like he was like, that actually really hurt. You hit him like a fucking snooze alarm. Yeah. He feels it to this day. Yeah, he's really upset with me. I try to get him to talk about it. Oh. Over and over and over again.

No, no, no. I had a woman that I lived with that snored. Pretty badly. You had a woman that you lived with. Your mom? If you know what I'm talking about. You boinked her a lot. probably and it was it was definitely one of those things where it was like waking me up in the night

that that's how loud it was where you know and it would you know be like just kind of like yeah shove or a shake or whatever well like mike has a really hard time falling asleep so whenever he snores I don't want to stop him because he's too excited he just can't loves to play yeah he's like more yeah but I just don't want to ruin the sleep that he's in and wake him up out of it even momentarily do you he'll have a hard time going back to sleep um yeah I can call you you come over you kind of whisper in his face. That'd be really exciting. Oh, whispering his face.

Hey, Mike, knock it the fuck off. If he just woke up and saw you doing that, it would be weird. Well, let's plan that. Okay. As a surprise. When's he going to sleep next? Tonight. Paul, are you free tonight?

I got no plans. I got no plans. I was in my 20s living downtown of Philadelphia. I had some roommates. Hats in the belfry, et cetera, et cetera. Et cetera, et cetera. What was the one that the woman across the street? Toys for tots.

Hold on. I didn't remember before. I got to remember all this for our next quiz. It is not obvious is the problem. Okay. Is it about toys? It is about toys for boys. It's sort of about it's it implies a certain type of toy and it's an expression that's not really a common expression.

Top like a spinning top. No. Toy time. Do you think toy time implies? toys? Yeah. How about toy store? If I were to pass it, I'd be like, I think they might tell toys there.

That makes me think of toys. That implies toys. I mean, I'm inferring toys. Jack's in the Belfrey. Oh. Wait, was this one with Jack in the Box? Jacks in the Belfry. No.

What's the toy? Does that give away? Yeah, it gives the toy. It doesn't apply a specific toy, but a type of toy. Type of toy. Wooden. Blocks. Blocks.

Legos Legos Um Stop saying Whatever I'm saying I want to say it louder Um What do

Legos are a toy That's not a type of Okay Okay It's a brand Um Spheres No

Balls Balls D's D's balls Toys dot corn Come on Come on Come on

Can be a hint What does it start with The The Okay This is The toy. What letter does it start with?

It doesn't. It's not a real toy. Oh my God. It's not a specific toy. The game's people play. It refers to a genre of toy. Oh, what merry mortals we be.

Oh my gosh. Just tell me one more thing. What is the name? Oh, I'll tell you. Is that what you want? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Go on forever.

The last wound up. That's horrible. Terrible. It is. Terrible. And this. And this woman worked there? Oh my God.

Remember I sent you guys? This woman works there? How dare she? The one that I sent you like that, like one of those names. Yeah. Where I was like, is this what this is supposed to be? It's the, okay, so it's the word. Lauren texted us a business the other day.

The word double dash O, letter O salon. So my question was like, is this a parody of 00 soul, the untouchable song? Yeah. But do you think it's 007? Yeah. That's like a great. Double O spelled out. Salon.

The only way this makes sense is if it's like at an address like double O something. Like 007. I doubt it is because I feel like. I feel like. That's not an excuse for you to pick up your phone. No, it's on. It's not. It's not, that's not the address.

Okay. So double or maybe, oh, what if the person who owns it has two O's in their name? Like it's Oprah Umfrey. Oprah Can you think of another name that starts with Oomfrey Olive? Okay, how about one that's Olive Oolive?

A little more common. More common than olive? It is getting common, but let's... Common. Oh no, that starts at the sea. Amen. Ammon. Ammon.

Tutton common. Tootun common. Tudent common. Tudent. Amen. Whenever I hear a reference to I think of him saying, look around from that one commercial.

From a commercial? Okay. Didn't he, he was in some, didn't he win an Academy Award for a song where he's just like, this sucks. Well, wait,

so you did something at. America. You did something at the last wound up and then what happened? Because we just got distracted to the key of the name. Yeah. Yeah,

I wasn't telling a story about the last wound up. No, you were telling us. What? You guys just wanted to know. You were telling us story about when you were living in film. We had a bunch of roommates and we would like, hung out all the time. We drank beer all the time. Hell, yeah.

And so one night we were up listening to music and... Perfect. That's what most songs sound like. We're listening to this song? That's how it went when I were saw you. What's that? Nothing. I'm just saying.

I'm obsessed with how I keep doing this. What were you saying? That's how it went. When I first saw you. I was thinking if that was the song that you were listening to It was like that if that sounded like what it was like. No. It sounded closer to what Scott was doing?

So what is it like this? You guys are closer than you know. Closer than you know. It was the song Roadhouse Blues by the band The Doors. Oh, you love the doors. My favorite band of all time. Keep her eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel. And so we're listening to that.

We're all drunk. And I say to my friend, Sean, my friend and roommate, Sean, I say, tomorrow I want you to wake me up with this song and hand me a beer and of course I forgot all about this great and the next morning I'm awoken by the loud sounds of the song and I wake up to see the bottom of a beer bottle

right in my face and did you have any idea with you know I was like what the fuck are you doing I was so mad he was like you told me to do this and I was like wow I guess you got me there And did you remember telling him to do it? Yeah, when he said that. Oh, okay, right.

That was bad. Did you drink the beer? Does that song? I don't think I drank the beer. I probably should have. That door song. Does it go like this? When I feel sorry you.

That's how it went. When I first saw you. All right, we have to take a break. We're back. We're back. And this is Freedom, by the way. I'm Paul. My name is Lauren.

I forgot who I am. You'll figure it out. Really? By the end? Yep. Absolutely. I know. will. Okay. I feel like it starts

with a W. Recently on your name, Watt? Watt? Yes. Recently on this podcast, you heard his name? Are you going to throw up? Gorthrop? Are you Gorthrop? I'm Gorthrood. My name is Gorthrop. I like to barf. My name is Gorthop.

I like to burp. Blah. Blah. On Scott hasn't seen, you were trying to place the phrase. I knew that you could. I knew that you could. could. From what? From Billy Crystal? Wait, I was trying to place it? What was happening? You were like, I can't, why? I can't remember where this comes from.

What was? It was his, of course, his Jazzman character. Yeah, no, I know everything about the Billy Crystal thing, but why were we talking about the phrase I knew that you could? I don't fucking know, dude. That's not the important part. It's so funny because, no, the, when my parents fight. The funny part is the minute you said, I knew that you could, I went, oh, Billy Crystal. Yeah. And we can't remember the original thing. That's why I was so strange. Interesting.

I was like, he's got to know this. Can you dig it? I knew that you could. Well, next time, text me while I'm doing the episode. I would like to do this now. Oh, no. Oh, no. Lauren's trapped in a jar.

It's trapped in a jar. Here, punch some holes in the top of the jar so she can breathe. I'm trapped in a jar. I just wanted to say we should hear some listener voicemails. I know somebody else who used to be able to do that thing. Really? Yes. Then they were arrested for their participation in the January 6th uprising.

All right. It wasn't like right after. Oh, right. Yeah. I wasn't at the intersection. I swear to gone. I actually never really tried to say many different things like that. It's really good.

Try to say every word. Would you always say the same thing? Oh, what I'm going to say? I'm stuck in a closet. I can't get out of the closet. I stuck it in sight. That's crazy. If you could see Lauren right now.

I'll post a video. Here's what she's doing. She's drooling like a maniac. There's snot. She has a straight check on. Snot is coming down. Snot is coming down. Why is that in there?

Jethro Tull. What, that part of the song? Yeah, why does he put that in? It's gross. I was not at the intersection. Stop something about it. I know I've brought it up. CBD-d-d-d-d-d-d-fused gummy.

All right, here we go. We're going to play voicemails. Yeah. If you'd like to call us, ask us for advice. Give us a conversational prompt. You can call us at Hague Claims 8. this is Katie. It's great.

This is Katie from Minneapolis, Minnesota. I'm wondering when was the last time you were so hungry. You had to eat something like a monster. I went on a long bike ride once and we stopped to get bacon cheeseburgers and milk and I ate them so fast and barely see. Oh my God. On a long bike ride. Oh my God.

Yeah, then you just diarrhea the whole way home. I would let if I did that, I would lay down for a week. Yeah, I'd live in the park. Sleeping would be great. Yeah. I will say this, speaking of eating like a monster. First of all, I do that a lot. I eat very fast.

Three times a day. I eat very fast. I eat fast too. I'm always done before Janie, before anyone. It's kind of embarrassing. And a lot of times I hear people talk about it and they say like, oh, that's because I grew up in a large family and you were always worried that people were going to take food. No, that didn't happen to me. I just eat fast.

Yeah. Why do you eat fast? I don't know. Do you think it was a large family? I've always assumed that, but maybe not. Maybe I just wanted to get done with dinner so I could watch TV. I used to have to Like my parents would not let me watch TV

Until like all the peas or all the spinach or something We're done and I remember there were quite a few nights Where I just sat there for an hour And I would listen to the like wonderful world of Disney in the other room And me just sitting there crying and going I don't want to eat it I would have that too about like a cold meatball on my plate And I'm like no I would love a cold meatball right now

I never want to eat But you know I actually do love cold meatball The pediatrician just told me about something. I don't know if this is like a common thing, like way to describe this with kids eating, but she said, you provide the what and the when, like of the food, what food it'll be and when you'll be served. And the kid provides the weather and the how much, whether they will eat it at all and how much they will eat it. If they don't eat it, you move along and then they'll be hungry.

She said, when kids are hungry, they eat. So she'll be fine. I'm like, because I definitely get into a bartering system with like, if you do this, I'll give you these five loaves. Then I'll do this. No, Lauren. I know. Isn't that awful? Now she's in charge. Yep.

She bosses me around. She made you do this podcast. Yeah. She wants me to. Lauren was going to quit. Yeah, but Holly loves the show. I remember being at a friend's house and his stepfather made me. Not the stepfather.

No, thank God. Oh. No, this guy was out super natural. Queen. He was just an asshole. I, they serve baked beans. I've always hated baked beans. I do to this day. Make you too. They're just gross. It's just some musical fruit.

And I would not, I didn't want to eat them. And he said, you have to sit there until they're gone. Oh, that's not. Someone who wasn't your parents? Wasn't even my friend's parent. Oh, my Lord. That's crazy. This guy was a true asshole. What a maniac.

He was a real asshole. And his mother, my friend's mother eventually did divorce. him and then found this great guy. For that? For what he did to do with a big piece. Enough of those happening. You don't cross my son's friend. I'm trying to do the last time I ate like a monster.

Do you have a story? Just every day. I mean, every day I go to bed feeling bad about what I ate. Does that count? One thing that I cannot help but eat like a monster is popcorn. I can't eat popcorn and not make a mess. Yeah. And I don't, I feel like I get that taste of it.

and I just want that salt. Yeah. It tastes so good. I could dump salt down your throat if you want. Would you? Yeah. Do you think they would kill me? I mean,

are you a slug? If I just, if I lean back, just open my mouth, open my throat, you just dissolve, I think it would kill you. You would stop being able to breathe,

you'd choke on it, you'd be able to swallow. You would die. Oh my God, but let's try. Videos of people doing that. The cinnamon challenge. It's so good.

It's so good. It's so good. And they always think they can do it. They always think they can do it. I know. I know. They're so cocky. You eat like a spoonful of cinnamon powder.

Yeah. And then like you just try to close your mouth. But then people always go like spit it off because you can't. Why can't you do it? You just like can't swallow. It's just too much. It's just crazy. I could do it.

All right. Let's go get it. Okay. Oh my God. Oh God. You idiot. What about? Yeah, I don't have any story.

I don't really have a crazy one. I feel like I just. Although hers wasn't crazy. She, like, went on a bike ride and ate a couple of cheese burgers. But, I mean, nothing's standing out to me as, like, a time where I was like, I had to scarf down a ton of food. I feel like, you know, if I get home from a long drive, I'm like, I got to just eat something for it. Oh, I was in the desert for a week without any food or water. Were you a horse with no name?

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Oh, I named it by the end. Oh. That's the least you could do. Here's what I like about the desert. You can remember your name. Yeah.

And the reason is very simple. There ain't no one for it to give you no pain. That makes so much sense. It's wonderful there. Okay. This is from... It's wonderful there. I will say also restaurants,

if it's like one of those shared plate things, which everything is now, tapas. It's always too much food. Have you dined with us before? It's always too much food. Stop, you're going to tell me about tapas. I don't care.

No, I've been going to a place lately, which I'm not going to name here, that is the topist style. And it's like a perfect amount every time. I have to say... Everyone gets a bite. Everyone gets a little... Yeah.

On my birthday, right before we went to Into the Woods, we went to a really nice restaurant, which I can't remember the name of. And our... And our, we had a, we had a waiter who was, or a server who was very, like, business-like, and we liked it. It was obviously a character. He was putting on a voice in a way, like, of like, oh, I'm Mr. Professional, you know, but we liked, we enjoyed that about him. Okay.

So he was going like, may I please help you so much with what you are looking to order? He's like, well, let me tell you about our restaurant. You know, just, like, very business-like. But I'll tell you, we asked, like, what the good amount was, and he took it very seriously and calculated it. his head and was like, well, I think this is the right amount. And it was perfect. Wow. See, every time we do that, here's what I feel like happens every time.

They want you to order more because it to boost their check. Yes. And it's like way too much food. And also the prices are not reflecting sharing prices. Yeah. The prices are for individual entrees. It's like, why don't we just eat everything that we want? Everything's so cheap here.

Oh, guess what? You have to order 18 things. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. But anytime. So we'll, you know, you have to have the long discussion with the rest of your table like, how it should you like this, this, this, do like this? And you finally reach a consensus and you say, we're going to have one of these, one of these, one of these, one of these. And then somebody will always say, is that enough. And then the server will go, I get like two more things. They do that too. But I feel like my rule is like, why don't we get all of them? And we'll add if we need more. I never would.

Exactly. You know what? They're nice. They'll say, you can always get more if you want. But you know what they do? They take the menus away. Yeah, and you never get to guess, oh, if I want more, I don't know, do you have birthday cake? And they won't give it back to you either. They're like, oh, so now you want some more stuff? Yeah. Even though I told you you should have gotten two more things. Yep. All right.

Next voice about. This is Ben. Hi, guys. This is Ben. I'm a fifth pig from Michigan. I am on my way to play adult rugby league soccer right now. I was just wondering what you guys enjoy or were you best at if anything grown up? Okay.

Cool. Love you guys. Bye. Hmm. Did we enjoy or what were we best at? So if you're really good at something that implies you don't enjoy it. I was great at football, but I didn't like playing it. I had to quit before I got drafted.

Yeah. Wait, is that the draft? The NFL draft is, even if you don't want to do it, they drafted. Yeah. If you are actively playing football, that's it. Oh, my God. I mean, I liked playing basketball. I'm not good at it, but I like it.

It's fun. Lauren has just sank three-threes while she says. I was going to say I sank down to my chair, like losing confidence, just talking about it. But I never was good at sports group. I never wanted to play sports. I was on the basketball team in fifth grade. And then that was it. And then I did, of course, the women's comedy basketball league here, which I was briefly

on until my doctor told me my jaw would break if I hit it with basketball because I got my wisdom teeth removed in my 30 or no 20s. And they were holding everything together. And it was a very thin bone at my jaw when they took them out. And then he was like, if you got hit in the face of the basketball, you could break your jaw. And I was like, well, I already have been, so I probably shouldn't do this. Jesus. Well, which team were you on?

The Kimmy dribblers. That's right. I used to like when I would say for the first 10 years of me doing comedy, it felt like every three months, every, like you'd hear a word. Like, hey, we're going to go down to the park and do kickball. And then like everyone would chill up. Yeah, like Nick Swordson would come. Like everyone would... Kickball's fun.

I feel like I remember that happening in New York, but I don't remember hearing about it so much here. One last thing about my teeth is make it make sense. Yes, because I waited so I wanted to get them... Make it makes sense. They had grown into the bone. Oh, no!

That's why. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no. No, no. No, no, no. What if we did a kickball team? That would be fun. I'm already out of it.

I don't care. I'm busy. If you get in the face with a kickball, no problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like the last time I did it, I know Dave Ferguson was there, birthday boy. And I was playing first base

and he gave me pointers and I felt embarrassed because I was a 40 year old man and he was giving me like he's like okay when you play first base you should probably like you know keep one foot on the base

like stuff you should know. Well it's like I'm a 40 year old man and I, not that I play. And virgin. And he gave me pointers about that too. It's really interesting. Come.

So keep your foot on it. I was not good at sports. You were married at 40. I was married at 40. Yeah. I was not good at sports. I was on the, 38, baby.

I was on the baseball team in eighth grade. I don't think I ever even swung at a ball at the plate, much less got a hit. And I played right field and I had a perfect fielding record. The one ball that was hit to me, I caught. Oh, nice. Yes. But I was good at,

I was good at games, games, like running bases or flashlight tag or things like that. I was good at stuff like that. I was on Little League, obviously. I've told you about, you know, played right field because I was so bad. Bad boy. Big, you know, line drive right into my balls and my cup. I don't remember that story. Oh, okay.

That was fun. Everyone laughed. I'm grateful to hear it. Everyone laughed. And they would only allow me to check swing. I couldn't really swing. What's check swing? You would only allow you to check swing?

My coach because it was like, well, you obviously can't hit it. Just do a light swing. So just do a late swing. It's basically like doing a bunch, whatever. And so anytime I'd come to the plate, everyone would go, everyone move up, everyone move up. Wow. Which is just a masculine. But once I hit a triple and it was just three.

Dang. Nice work. And everyone was like, we went in too close. We went too close. I gave you the wrong advice. Everyone moved back. No, that's too far back. You're out of the stadium now.

Someone find that ball. And they weren't yelling. They were just talking like that. It seems like a common theme. Yeah, that's right. It seems like a common theme in your life. People are not afraid to not spare your field. feelings when they're telling you're sensitive.

Oh, yeah. People just say the thing outright. That's so true. I don't know whether I'm overly sensitive or just whether, you know, and just remembering like perceived slights. But I don't think so. Look, you're not very good. I think, no, I think kids were like, genuinely like not willing to.

Well, kids suck, of course. Kids will tell you. But I mean adults, like, well, that wasn't very good. I'd mean coaches, well, yeah. I'd mean coaches in Little League, like the town asshole. was my coach He stands in the middle of the town square Just being like, I'm an asshole

What do you want me to do this week? Hear you, fuck you! Everyone's like, you want to be the little league coach? He's like, sure, I'm not busy, bitch. And I remember he lived around the corner From the church we went to And we would have to pass this house every Sunday And I would like look at the house and go like,

I hope I don't see him. Yeah That is such a... While you peer into his house I hope I don't see him, I hope I don't see him. Oh shit. While we passed a mean person's house is such a thing You're a kid.

Yeah. It's such a visceral feeling. I've been reading old Nancy comics from the 50s. Oh, you got to, the new ones are great. No, the new ones are great.

They are, actually. Oh my. What? Olivia James doesn't. They're great. What? Eat your hat now, Paul. Fuck!

But, fuck, I was roasting him. And then I, thusly was roasted. I roasted. I didn't expect it to go that way. It's just so funny,

like, all the things that were important in the 50s that aren't important anymore. There's like so many strips about people looking through a knot hole at a baseball game. So they didn't have to pay for it. And then like, and then like reading, read, they always shout at baseball game.

They go, robber, robber, robber. To the umpire. Robber. Robber. Robber. Yeah, robber, robber. And that's like a, it's in so many of the strips that it's like a common thing. What does it mean?

Stealing. It means like you. A bad call? Yeah, bad call. Robber, robber. And it's just people going, robber, robber. Let's bring it back. Yeah.

The word robber isn't used very much. No. It's not. No. Because people, yeah, it's like. Thief, burglar. Do you know what killed it? Cops and Robbersons.

Yeah. That movie. You're not a cop. You're a robberson. That's not a line in it. But we used to say that all the time. Amazing. Well, no.

Okay. The trailer for Cops and Robbersons. What is that? It's a Chevy Chase movie with Jack Pell. And he pulls Chevy Chase close to him. You're not a cop. And then we would always say, because we saw this trailer so many times, we would always say, you're a robberson. What was the plot of cops and robbersons?

I think they were under, they had to be undercover in like a family's house. Yeah, probably. Yeah, it was the Robbersons. Who knows? And Chevy Chase thought he was a cop? Just because of his proximity to cops? He was like, I'm like you guys. He knew he was a robberson.

I'll tell you that much. Oh, he knew he was. Okay, here's, this is Colette. Here we go. And go. Colette. Oink Oink, freedom gang.

Colette from Corpolis, aka Cincinnati, here. First-time collar and from his pig. My tag is

defined in the dictionary as a witch, especially one in the form of an ugly old woman. That being said,

would you rather claim one hag or have eight hags, claim you. Okay. Bye.

Now this is a topic we hit, oh. Oh. It's a topic we haven't gotten into.

We haven't gotten into this topic yet about whether we would rather have one hag claim us or we haven't explored this. I know. So I think it's a really clever question. Did we talk about this on a previews episode? I think I told my story about when I claimed a hag, but I'm not sure. If I have, you'll know.

But would I rather claim a hag or have eight hags claim me? I don't want a hag running around in my kitchen. But if you're claimed by eight hags, you don't have a kitchen. You're in their house. I kind of think I would like eight hags to claim me. Yeah. What are they going to do with you? Maybe they'll make me a hag.

Yeah. Right? They'll make you a hag. I guess I'd rather be claimed by eight hags than have one. Does that rock your arpiger? I don't know. Yeah, and I'll make you a hag. I think I'd rather be claimed by eight hacks and claim one hag.

Because who knows, they might claim you for a fun purpose. Yeah. Or it might be a maternity test or something. There is the idea of a hag running around your house like, that's like scary. All the time. Yeah, and you have to claim them. It's like it would be fun. for the first 12 years.

Are we saying that if you claim the hag, then the hag is running around your house? Or are we saying the hag is running around your house? You have to claim them. Well, I guess if I claim her, I want to control her. You're responsible for her.

So I think I'd like to put her in like an ADU. It's not just for Easter. In ADU, yeah. Yeah, put her in like a little house in the back. Yeah. And then I'd love to buy her an apartment. Also, but I want to treat her right because I feel like,

she's my gumma. Hags gets, I want to get her a hair blow out every week. Every week. Oh, definitely want to make over. Blow at Jonathan's. Absolutely. And Jonathan.

I remember Jonathan. Did you ever watch his reality show? No. Jonathan, his, his... JVN? Oh, wait, that guy!

His sister created the pussy gal. Yes, that guy. I did watch that show. She had a reality show, and it was so funny. And it was called blowout, right? Yeah, it was called blowout. That's right.

And this is back when reality TV was still new, so you'd watch anything. That was reality. And it was all just about him giving blowouts everyone in Beverly Hills. And meanwhile, he has a line of, like, hair goop. Yeah.

And it's not, wait, let me look up who this is. I just remember him calling his mom and crying and going like, Mom,

mom, we got into Sappora. Oh my. We got into Sapphora. Oh yeah. Jonathan Anton. Okay. Anton.

That's it. I remember this. Oh my God. They put out goop in Sephora. That's amazing. Is he still with us? I hope so.

It gave me so much. It seems like it. Pleasure over the years. I forgot all about that show. I watched every episode. I know. Janie and I started watching Vanderpump rules from the beginning. Whoa, I watched this season.

Oh, that's what everyone tells me to do, but I'm just like, I don't know. We had friends telling us like, this will be an enriching experience for you. Interesting. He is with us BTW. I forgot about that's a Bitcoin. That's a Bitcoin. I can't wait to get to it. I know.

In the open, in the first episode, we do see a man shave his forehead, which I've never seen before. Ew. Yeah. I mean, support everyone who does whatever they do. Yeah, whatever you need to do to feel good about yourself. I never, I never, I've never heard of that. I didn't know as necessary.

I also think waxing feels like it'd be more effective in that situation. Yeah. You should give a consultation about this. Okay. I've been watching. How about lasers? I must. Every once in a while, Kulap and I take lasers.

Like Tyler Perry. Kulap and I take turns of feeding at night. After the bath time, we take turns feeding and reading the story and putting to bed, right? And you're talking about your dogs? Wait, so sometimes like, cool up. I looked at a key word. I know, I mean. So.

I thought you would come up and take turns giving each other back. Each other's bad, reading stories. Okay, cool. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Would it be,

would you like to have someone read you a short story? Yeah, why not? I wouldn't mind if someone literally tucked me into bed when I'm all cozy and warm and, like, put a nice rag on my head and read a story. My mom made me read her the stories because I was such a good reader that she was like, you read the story. Sounds like a trick. in it.

You have to read like John Grisham to her. He pulled her down and attacked her. It was forcible, right. If they made a grown-up story that was the length of a children's book. Yeah. That's a smart idea. He read it to me.

And then he was just like, great, interesting. But anyway, so. It's all what serial killers. Recently, every time she has to do it, she'll come downstairs and I'm watching Dr. Pimple Popper. You're watching it? Yes. That shows for women.

Why? Women seem, look, this is just my experience that women seem to be more into the satisfaction of that. Well, you like watching.

It's not gender. By the way, the big issue, of course is that it's often not pimples. It's gigantic growths. No, it's cysts and gross. Yeah, well, it's never pimples. It should be,

I'd like to see once in a while a pimple. Just a pimple. Just a really bad one. And you go in and it's like, oh, that'll go away in like two days. You go, honey. You know what you got to do? you got to watch Dr. Sist Crutcher because that guy,

squeeze his little pimples. See, I was going to, oh, he squeezes pimples. Yes. I was going to say it's Dr. Simple Pimple who just does pimples. All I do is pimples. And not big ones either. The tiny, just a little blackheads. That's so gross.

Why don't you make, go fuck yourself? Just every comment, just every comment just say, pimples please. Yeah. Can they see a pimple? Pimpos, please. I'm sick of these growths that are out of control. Well, guys, we're out of time. All right.

Thank you to everyone who called in. We love you all. If you would like to call us, of course, Hague claims eight. Or I claim one. I claim one. And if you or you claim one, Hague, I get it. Yeah, I know. I was confused.

So if you'd like to, who cares? If you'd like to write to us, Freedom USA at Gmail.com. We are Freedom USA on all the socials. And if you'd like to listen to ad-free versions, this, why don't you get the to CBBWorld.com. Yes, and I think I still, yeah, I think I still have a show in two days. Yeah.

It hasn't been canceled yet. August 19th, August 19th at Dynasty Typewriter doing a live. Scott hasn't seen about Mamma Mia. Here we go again. Rowdy screening. And anything goes at this screening. I mean, like, you're also going to show anything goes. Yeah, we're also doing that.

So it's a long night. But also we contacted the police department and they said, like whatever happens in there. We're not going to prosecute. Okay. Does anybody do rowdy screen screenings of plays? Is Rowdy screening? You can yell and scream.

Is Rowdy screening a term? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. I don't know if you just said it to make it show like we can say whatever you want, do it every you want. I mean, it's a term that Sean said that I'm assuming is a term. I think it's become a thing in the last handful of years.

Yeah. I feel like I first heard about it with cats, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds really fun. Well, come by. Everyone should go. All right, maybe I will. Um, also five, just five days later, it's Dynasty typewriter, uh, super ego forgotten classics.

Me, Matt Goreley, Jeremy Carter, Mark McConnellville and James Bladen. We will be improvising a book that none of us, uh, we promise, has ever read. Um, we take the first, the first line, last line. I bet that you read it like you speed read it right before, once you decide it. Yeah, because you get really nervous. Right. Yeah, because then after, there is, there are prizes for most guests. Yeah.

Most closest to the sources. Most closest. Most closest to the Sourcest. Yeah. And that will be a dynasty typewriter. It will be live and live streamed. Tickets go to Paul F. Tompkins.com slash live. Also September 10th, me, Nicole Parker at Lodd Room at Highland Park.

That show will not be live streamed because of bad Wi-Fi in the venue. But that is going to be a fun show. Me and Nicole doing a variety show, two-person variety show for the first time with a full band, sketches, music, all that shit. It's going to be great. Amazing. Yeah. And I don't know what my shows are.

Go to my Instagram. Bye. Bye, bitch. See you next time.