Threedom - Threevisiting: That's Just The Way It Works

Episode Date: March 24, 2026

Threevisiting on the Tues: Lauren, Paul and Scott talk about phones, Dodgerdogs and redo Under the Umbrella.  Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It's morning in New York. Oh, God. Hey, everybody. I'm Mandy Patinkin. And I'm Catherine Grady. And we have a new podcast. It's called Don't Listen to Us. Many of you've asked for our advice.

Tell me, what is wrong with you people? Don't listen to us. Our Take It or Leave a Advice show every Wednesday out now. A Lemonada Media Original. This is a show called Breedom. This is a show called freedom This isn't a show called freedom Wait a minute

What it is It is Oh no that alien came back Try it again All right here we go This is a show called freedom This is a show called freedom Some other show is called freedom

Oh my god What the fuck is wrong with you Stab it Stop it Stop it Kill it That would be funny In like a scary movie eight

A version of Julius Caesar With that Yeah Yeah where everybody has a boppet? Yeah, that makes sense. Production of Julius Caesar, faithful to the original, except periodically, and so he had to stab him because it said stab him.

Yes, and before any big speech, famous speech, the character has to do boppish for just a little bit. Yeah. Ah, the immortal bard. Yeah. I wish Shakespeare lived to see Boppet. Oh, my God. Because he never knew we could play a game like that.

No. What do you think Shakespeare would think of Boppet? Do you think he would like it? Well, I think you'd write a whole poem about it. A sonnet? A poem. Just a poem. Yeah.

Just a little sum. Rose is red, pop it is. Just a little... Just a little son-in-s-sum. What do you think he... Like, I want to be the last person to ever live. But you guys... Because I want to know about everything that's been invented.

But do you guys think Shakespeare was actually real? Because I'm going to have to give you a real lesson in history. You think that he was a CGI? I think he was a bunch of people. I heard he was a scarecrow. And they were all women. And they were all scarecrow. And they were stuffed with newspapers.

I heard it was... women stuff with the newspapers who put a scarecrow in the front yard and said, this is Shakespeare. Yeah. And then they would listen at the door and people wanted to talk to Shakespeare and ask questions like, would you write me a play? Yeah. And then they would write those questions down, put them in play. Yes. And then behind the door, they'd be like, sure.

Yeah. Sure, Romeo. And they were like, thanks, Shakespeare. Have you been to the Globe Theater? I have been to the Globe. No, I haven't been to the Globe. I've never been to the Globe. I feel like you've been to London.

I have, but I've never seen France, too, right? Oh, yeah. Guess what else I've seen? Oh, boy. No way. Not this again. You dirty dogs. I'm filthy. Is the Globe something you should go to? Because I've been to London twice. Yeah, I know you could do a tour. Well, I really loved it. I've been on the tour multiple times. Really? Why multiple times? Because I've gone multiple times and then people want to go and it's like different people and it's different things.

And it's that and the other. You know where I went? I'm remembering this now. I meant to go to the Globe Theater, but I went to the Glob Theater. Oh, no. Okay. I went to the Goober Theater, and that was real sticky. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Janie has been to the globe. She saw, I believe she saw a play. Mark Rylance in Othello there. Wow. I never saw a show there. And she got yelled at for taking a picture before the show. Really? I'm sure it was more.

Did she explain it to last longer? Yeah, did she explain? Like, if I take a picture of my mind, I'll forget it. Yeah, exactly. When we saw a spring scene on Broadway, there's a big thing about no picture, you know, do not take out your phones and take pictures. We were in the front row and I was just so like, oh man, I wish you could take a picture.

And then everyone in the world is taking pictures the entire time, but I was a good little boy. You know, Pete, there's no controlling people with these cell phones. Yeah. You know who else? I said, lock them up when they entered the place. I say lock them up.

No, I actually really, lock. They did that. I just say I really don't approve of that. Like when like a stand-up is doing something or whatever and then they put it in a box or whatever. I saw a show recently and they did it. And it was like, I kept reaching for it.

I don't think it's fair to not have it. Yeah. That's my access to everything. Well, also, what if I start choking and need emergency assistance? Yeah, and you can't tell anyone around you. I'm not a big fan of phones during the show, but I don't want to lock people's phones up. I just think, of course, you shouldn't take it out during the show. But what if I had, like, you know, I have a child at home, I have this or that.

I'm like, I should be reachable. Here's what... In this day and age when it's possible to be reached. Here's what we should do. Instead of giving everyone like one of those yonder parents. that you put it in, lock it in. You assign someone a phone chaperone, a shopper phone. Keep talking.

They keep making it weirder. They don't have your phone because you need to be able to reach it. You have your phone. You pull it out and they slap your hand unless you can block their hand and explain why you need your phone. Okay. I think it should be they, there's a designated time every five minutes during the show where everyone can look at their phone.

no matter what the show is, every show. In case there's an emergency. Every show. Yeah. Can we make it 10? No. I just feel like... I think five better.

I feel like for a play, you want to keep the momentum. No, I think it should be five. Yeah. Because I was saying emergency could happen at any time. Yeah, you don't want ten minutes to go by. Well, then in that case, I have an addendum to the Shaper phone. Yeah. And I think they should hold the phone.

They should be standing right next to you with the phone. And then if you want the phone, you snap your fingers. Okay. have to give you the phone. That's more like a phone butler. That's like a chauffeur. Shofone. Shofone.

Shafone. Shafone. Shafone. Shafone. Shafone. Shafone. Chaffone. Chaffone.

Shafone. Yeah, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da'am. Yeah. Schaffone. Yeah, shaboon. Okay, got it. Hold on. Shaboon.

Are you doing. Is making sure I understand that reference. Lauren, have you ever seen the movie Roadhouse, starring Patrick Swazeezy. There is. no chance I've seen it. Although Mike told me, I was like, my favorite movie is Roadhouse. No, I was like, basic instinct.

That's supposed to be good, right? He's like, we watched it together. I was like, no, we didn't. And then he's like, yes, we did. We watched that movie not long ago. Remember how horny I was? It was during the pandemic. I was like, no, we didn't.

I swear, we watched fatal attraction. He goes, no, we watched both of those. We had basic instinct. Then I put on the trailer and go, no, no, and then there's something happens to go, oh, yeah, I've seen that. Oh, yeah. How annoying is that?

100% Yeah. Well, also you should trust your husband because he is the head of the family. You're right. And he's there to guide you. That's true.

I've always said that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you should respect him and honor him. You're right. You're right. So what were you going to tell me? Roadhouse is a movie.

First of all, it's worth watching because it's insane. It's crazy. It's nuts. Yeah. Paul Russ, by the way, used to do a character based on the musician in the Roadhouse.

Jeff Healy? The blind guitar player. Yeah. What was the character? I forget, but it was very funny. It was on stage. Okay.

Yeah, it was very funny. I can't imagine what that would be. But there is a moment that establishes this, the bad guy in town, played by Ben Gazara. Uh-huh. And to show that he has ultimate power. See, the mattress guy? What am I think? Mattress guy.

Isn't there a mattress, a guy who sells mattresses, like Gazara's mattresses? Never mind. What the fuck. Ben Gazara, the mattress salesman? This is, I don't know if he's related to this mattress salesman, but he's an actor. Okay, because everything we talk about has to connect back to a mattress salesman or we're not interested. Why do we make that rule? It's working.

Ever since the tour we did together. It's working for us, but I think it's not working for you. We do mattress-based podcasts. We should have couples counseling right now to talk about this. I grow weary of it. So it's not working for Paul, and that means we should probably pivot. Okay. Pivot!

Remember, friends? Yes. Honestly, fantastic comedy. what was it pivot when they're moving the match or the couch up the stairs and they can't get paths around the corner

and some of the best most fun sitcom comedy it's extremely well done yeah yeah absolutely love it I'd love to get to do a scene like that just one scene yep I'd love to be one I'd love to make that in Scott's stairwell

and then we put it out of the line it's a great idea it is funny so to demonstrate Yeah, we're both carrying you. No, we're carrying him. Oh, we're carrying you? Yeah, I want to play the couch.

And so we keep jamming your head to the wall. And going like, pivot. I think I have a couch costume. Is it just like dirty rags? It's potato sacks. It's dirty, oily rags. You can light on fire if you like. So we light it on fire by mistake while we're moving it up the stairs.

We're both smoking. Yeah. Yeah. So. And Scott's like crying and we're like, pivot. And then his head slams into the wall. That's right. He's smoldering head

So Benghazar is the bad guy in town He owns the town essentially Bangazar is the bad guy in town I'd love to own a town Oh wouldn't you And then you could do this I'd like to own it but I'd like to run it too I don't want someone else to be in short

Well this is the thing He doesn't he owns and runs it I'd rent it out to people Okay I'd be like Airbnb town Yeah you want your town for a day That's what you would do You have to take out the trash

To rent a town for a day Not on trash day How incredible would that be Like especially if you get one That has like a carnival going on during it. That's supposed to be so tight. Wait, wait.

So you're saying you rent the, you are the renter. Yeah, you get to rent a town for a day. And you rent it on a day that there's a carnival. Yeah, and you can do anything that's in the town. The owner's like, for the month of July, we're going to have a carnival. Like, sometimes you leave a bottle of wine there. Well, it just happens there's a carnival that. And it's not, look, it's like Airbnb's.

We're all going to vacate the town, but there will be a carnival happening no matter what. Like, everyone has to do their job in the town. Is it kind of scary when carnivals just pop up and then you're like, oh, there's a ride here right now. And then you're just supposed to get on and and trust it. It's one of life's great joys. I don't trust them. I don't know about that.

Because they're moving from town to town. I like how they have the games. Up and down the dial. But it's the part with the zipper that I'm not so sure about. Well, don't go in the fucking zipper then you cry, baby. Oh my God. Wee, we, we. I'm scared to the zipper.

I'm calling your ass and I'm making you go on every ride. I'll go on every ride. Really? Twice. Really? Yes. Really? Yes.

Three times? Three times? No hand rails? nothing. I'll say leave the bar up. I'm going to take you to a carnival and you're going to go on every ride twice. Three times. Three times. He's upping the end. Do I hear four? I'll go on four times. Okay, four. Okay. So next carnival that by the way, the O.C carnival, I think is. There's a carnival all the time. There's a carnival all the time.

But I'm talking more about like rinky dink. I'll go to Rinky Dink. One that's in like one's corner. Yes. Not like a big old O.C. I know exactly what you're talking about. I'll go on every ride six times. Okay. Okay. We're going to call you. you on this. Can we tape you on it? Good. Yes. Six times each ride. Should we do an episode where we're on him too? No, I don't want to be on it. I'm going to barf. I want you to go on. Wee and we're got you got you. The deal is that he goes on six times. Six times for every single ride. You're going to have gone on like, wait, who pays for the rides? 60 rides. Me. 10 times I'm going

on them. Ten times and you're paying? I'm not paying. That was never said. No, I'm paying. I'm paying and I'm going on the ride 10 times. Okay. Ten times. All right. This is. This is a promise. I think it's too many. I'm actually bored at the idea now. I want it to be three each. Bored little cry baby. Oh my God. I can't win. So here's what Ben Gazzara does. Who the fuck is that? He's driving down the road listening to the song Shaboom and his convertible. And he is just driving back and forth over the median. It is the weirdest expression of power. It's like he no, there's nobody can touch him. There's no one can stop him. So he's just driving back. forth over the whole road

singing along to Shiboom in his car. That's fun. It's wild. I love it. Did I tell you when I drove over the median, uh, in front of a police officer? You probably did,

but I don't remember it. So I feel like it's fair for you to repeat it. Well, I grew up in a town that had its own private police force. Yeah, I grew up in a town, had its own private police force. Um, so they would bug,

they would just pull everyone over. And I got pulled over so many times when I was young. And I did not know that when they say like, hey, you mind if we search your car, that you can say, I do mind. Do not do that. And they go, okay, we won't. We'll take you down on the station. Well, yeah, there you could, there was like these little. We'll just beat the shit out of you.

I know. A little business card with like your rights on it that I remember somebody has. Well, we've talked about this. Yeah? The trading cards that you were. No, no, no, no. It was like a thing that was like, you can't search my car. You can't search my car.

Hey, I have the bit and on the thing the paper. You can't search my car when I'm with you. You can search my car when I'm with you But I like it But I like it But I've been pulled over by the cops So many times And they'd hassled me that I saw these

I was making a left And I saw it twice I saw this police officer Gotta find out who's naughty and nice I saw this police officer Pulled someone else over and I was like Oh man is making a left When he was saying naughty or nice, it sounded like,

But you didn't have to cut me up. Just because I wasn't naughty and I wasn't nice. I was just Santa Claus, but you treat me like an elf, and then I feel so sad. His name was Goody. Goatee. Goatee. Goatee.

But you didn't have to cut me off. Just because I wasn't nice. Treat me like an elf. What's he up to? A true one hit wonder. I've never heard... A true one hit wonder. I know.

I know. Even a passing mention of him since that's on. He must have disappeared. We love Gotea and that's why we're big fans. And we would love for you, we would love for you to be on this show. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are we saying before, by the way, Paige Davis never got back to us.

What? So she's off the list. I cannot believe we didn't hear from her. Not only did we spell out... Not even to say no thank you. Because we spelled out exact schedules of those going to go down. To the T?

Yeah. To the minute. It's customary to RSVP. Responded Civouple. It's a little rude to not respond Civu Play. I actually feel like, look, is she still someone I'm a huge fan of? Is she still someone that I think is our number one fan?

Yeah. We're assuming that she is. So all the more... strange. Do you need to lie down in a coffin? In a coffin? Because I got tired. I got a little tired. I'm actually feeling great. Because your eyes are closing, but you're also, your teeth are growing.

My eyes honestly feel. You have pennies over them. I feel so heavy. But where is Paige? Why didn't she ever respond? I don't get it. I forget who we're moving to next. Yeah.

If Paige didn't respond. I think it was the basketball player. Oh, yeah, Reggie Miller. Yeah. That's right. So Goetzee is after Reggie Miller. Okay. So are we putting Reggie Miller on notice right now that he has?

Reggie? This is it. Okay. You have two weeks. Do we want to talk about what the schedule would be? Let's give him until September 1st. He's local, I think. Labor Day?

Labor Day. Let's give him to Labor Day weekend. Closer to my birthday, maybe possibly on my birthday this year. Let's find out. A little closer to my birthday. My birthday is September 6th. So I'm wrong. Yeah.

I keep thinking your birthday's after. After mine. No, Labor Day is the fourth my birthday. I mean, it was. Two days later. And then Scott, what's Paul's birthday? September 23? No.

How am I supposed to know? We've told you a thousand fucking times. I don't care. Well, guess again. Why should I know this off the top of my head? He didn't know yours. I don't want you to know it. Well, I wish I could erase it.

I wish I could erase it from my mind too. Yeah. I want to neuralize you both. So you never know what I want to normalize you. Make you not remember I just have normal's thoughts Here comes the men in black They make you not remember

Is that the lyrics They should have been in a song They do whatever they want But you won't remember What else did they get up to With that noralizer Yeah really yeah But you didn't have to cut me off

What if the person did have to cut them off? Yeah what if I'd love to hear the response song I'm sorry that I cut you off. I saw like a meme that was like, or not a meme. Here is why I caught you off. And it was like, Gautier hits different when you're not a kid anymore. I'm like, so you were a kid.

What? So you were a kid when that song came out, which was not the long ago, but that's okay. People are kids and now adult. And then they're hearing the song again, they go, oh, it's about a breakup. Oh. I was five. What are they? Yeah, exactly.

They just thought it was. Someone who moved away. Yeah. Someone who's, they thought they were wearing the alphabet. Somebody whose dad got a better job. They just thought it was for fun and their mom liked to listen to it. Oh, man. Well, Gotea, we love you.

Come on the show after Reggie Miller. And Reggie Miller, you have until September 1st to contact us. We're not going to give you our info. No. But you know how to get a hold of us. Reggie, if you come on the show, you will be the only guest ever on freedom. Yeah. And that's a big deal.

And I don't think we have to tell you what a big deal that is. It's a huge deal. And by the way, we're not even interested in. in you. That's not, that's how big of a deal it is. You're interested in Reggie Miller? We work together on our latest show. Oh, that's right. I'm actually very interested in seeing him again. I'd love to. I don't know, but he could be less interested, but it could be nice. He could, he could, he could be nice. I can tell you he's extremely nice. Well, that's good to hear. That's good to hear. But he will get the freedom treatment. We're not going to treat him any different than we treat

each other, which is sad, I know. We'll not remember anything he talks about. No, we won't remember his birthday. If we start acting all polite, it's going to be a really bad episode. Exactly. Yeah. differential to Mr. Reggie Miller. No. What do you think, Reggie Miller? Reggie, if you sit in the fourth chair, you better expect. You're going to get a fourth of the treatment that we dole out to each other.

Exactly. So I know this sounds enticing. So contact us before September 1st. We have to take a break. We'll be right back. I don't know about you, but I like keeping my money where I can see it. Unfortunately, big wireless carriers seem to like keeping it too. After years of overpaying for my phone. and dealing with hidden fees, I finally switched to Mint Mobile. And it's been such a relief.

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I will not break my own pace. Just because I was Santa and now I am a known. I like to do-do-do-poo-but-du-poo-choo. I like to sing and I like to dance. talking's up, but you didn't even think me when I gave you and know. You've really thought about this Christmas themed parody of somebody I used to know. It just flows out of me. Now I'm just a Santa that you used to.

Just a Santa that you used to know. You got to go on, Neal and Paul's. You got to go on. I wish you were silly spoofness. Oh, I'd love to sing that song. If I get a guitar player to do it with me, yeah. Or whatever music we play. What instrument is it?

Cool up and I did. Blum. Blum. Yeah. Cool up and I did. Are we human or am I Santa? That's good. Are we human? Are we human?

And I'm standing here looking at prancer. Good. Are we human or am I Santa? It was good. It was really good. Did you guys switch off lyrics? How did you do it? I can't remember how we did it.

I think I was the lead singer and she was my backup dancer or something like that. Very progressive. Yeah. No need to have her in front of the mic, karaoke queen. She didn't want to. No, you're karaoke queen. Oh, that's right. Size queen?

I've never been invited to do that show. Oh, you should be. And just because I will turn it down doesn't mean they shouldn't invite me. This is why they never invited. Well, that's so excuse. I did a bit that I might have been at that show, or Christmas parody show. It probably was that. If you don't know what this show is, they have,

People on to do the worst Christmas parody songs of all time. Mary Holland and Aaron Whitehead and I did one as Alvin and the Chipmunks. We know, and then we say made it like gross somehow. Great move, great move. Me, I want my hoo-la-hoo. But then I was like, I still want my Dildo. Sometimes just that simple folks.

Yeah. And honestly it crushed. Of course it did. Dildo Factory. I love Mary so much. I saw her the other night. I'd seen her in a million years. She's not allowed on the show. Well, she's not a lot on the show.

No, she'll never be on the show. Well, we went to a Dodgers game. Yes, I was a little jealous of everybody in the picture. Hitting the head with the baseball at all? I didn't, thankfully. Oh, good. And Holly, I took Holly. It was delightful.

She had a blast. She ate almost a whole Dodger dog. Wow. What did you do as a leftover? Well, I cut it up onto a little plate, and I left it on the plate, and then eventually I threw it out. Yeah. Do you think it's still there? You want it?

Yeah. I think it's probably in the trash. You could probably find it. Okay. I bet if you open any trash can at Dodger Stadium, my Dodger dog would be in there. I don't know if I told you this, that one time I went to a Dodger game with River Butcher

and a woman, a couple rows ahead of us like Caddy Corner to where we are. Should I not say Dodgers with an S? I said a Dodgers game. It doesn't. I don't think. I don't think anyone cares.

I don't want to be seen as a cool one. I don't think there's a style guide for that. Okay. Yeah, I guess I, Yeah, I say Dodger game, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Because I think there's one of them is a Dodger.

Yes. A Los Angeles Dodger. But if you ever have two in the same room, which hardly ever happens, by the way. Yeah, they're never in rooms. No. They're always outside. So what happened? A person yelled at you?

Um, no. Just assuming, because that's what I want to do? Someone told me to keep it down at the ball game. They were listening to the game on the radio. Oh, you know, I like that. I like that too. Yeah, it's so old-fashioned. It's so weird about that.

Because you can't, sometimes you don't know, you want to hear the play-by-play. Yeah. And you just want to know what's happening. That's right. It's so old-fashioned. That and people keeping the score. Keeping the score. I see so many people do there.

Yeah, yeah. Do you think those people who keep the score like they do it for every game? Or are they just like, this is a fun thing to do while I'm here? I think they do it for the Library of Congress. Oh. Honestly, I was looking at the scoreboard going, what is the score? I cannot figure out. There's a lot of shit to look at.

And Stephanie did explain to me where it was. And I just kind of was like, uh-huh. And then I didn't really know. You pretended it. Yeah. Yeah. So we were at the game and we were sitting behind home plate. Did they ask you to play?

Home plate. No, I begged them. I said, please let me play. Please. Hey, we need a nine. I'm wearing a hat. You have to let me play. Yeah.

And you were the only one there wearing a hat? Was everyone I guess for other people wearing it And proud of it? The opposite of wearing a hat? You can't have hair if you have a hat. Hair is a hat. Hair is a hat. If we're saying nobody had a hair or nobody had a hat,

that also means they didn't have hair. Yeah. Right. And then this lady yelled at you guys. No, she still didn't yell me. She got hit by a foul ball. Ouch. Where?

It hit her in the abdomen. Oh, no. Was she paying attention? Not that it would be, I'm just curious if it was like, she saw it coming or she didn't see it coming. I don't think she saw it coming. Oh, my God. What if she saw it coming?

He was like, yes, yes, yes. Right here. She, like, stood up, so it hit her right in the gut. And it hit her pretty hard. She was okay, but it was like... Do they give you any sort of compensation if that happens to you? Oh, no. Yeah, it's part of the fun.

Somewhere on the ticket, it's part of the fun, you might get hit. Somewhere on the ticket, you're agreeing on. Somewhere on their ticket, it's like, Hey, whatever the fuck happens to you. Somewhere on the ticket I know. Somewhere on the ticket I know. You can hit in the head with a ball. And that's fine.

I would love to, I should look at that, find that liability thing. Because I'm sure it's like anything that happens to you is not our fault. I know. When I saw the nine inch nails, the nine inch nails. How many of them? With Kulop. We were in the pit. How many nails are in the nine inch nails?

Oh, there's hundreds of nails, but they're all nine inches. That's wild. It's not nails on a hand. Nine one inch nails? Nine, nine inch nails on your hand. No, no, no. Oh, so there'd be ten. Yeah. No, no, they're nails. They're nails that you put into it. How do you know?

Like the nails they used to crucify Jesus. Because they talked about this during the show. If you'd let me tell you about the show. Yeah, they talked about why they're called the nine-inch nails. Do they do that every show? Yes. But I don't think they're called. Just to put you guys at ease.

You walk out there and go, let's get it out of the way. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. But, um. So Kulap and I were there together, and Kool-up was in front of me. We were in the pit. Kulap was in front of me and I had my arms around her. Oh! And then she went to...

That's so romantic that you let you touch her. She went to go to the restroom. And then... And then you had to go along with her. Yeah. Because your arms should run her down. No. You only get up on the tank of the toilet.

So I stayed there and they were... The band was constantly throwing water bottles, full water bottles. Guys, why? Like with a cap. off so that... What? So people would get wet? So the cap was off and they would,

they would like, a trail of water would come on, like shoot across or whatever. And then they would go into the crowd. And so like mere seconds after shoot. Wait, sorry, so, sir. Were they throwing the bottles or they were holding the bottle and throwing the water? The bottles.

Yes. Like they take a sip out, throw the whole bottle. Ew! That makes you so much worse. So maybe they were trying to cool everyone down because it gets very hot. Or whatever. I have no idea.

Maybe it was altruistic. Were they like, suck my kiss? And then they would do that? Yeah. They would sing red out jelly peppers. Suck my kiss. Suck my kiss. But mere seconds after she went to the restroom,

I looked to my left and suddenly, boom, right where her head is. Oh, fuck. Water bottle right in my chest. Oh, I was lucky. Good thing she had to piss. Yeah. Because otherwise...

Her head would be different now. Well, she had to get the water out. She had a different head. Yeah. Yeah, her head would be a different head right now. Yeah. Yeah. And then you look to your right and then you realize that some of these people will not be here next year. Yeah, exactly. And it turned out it was me. Yeah. I never went to another show by then. Yeah. Well, it was the person that looked at you, got what they were. Oh, right. You know?

That's so awesome when a teacher does some really cool shit like that and you're like, whoa. Look to your left. Look to your right. From now, you won't be gradually with any of these motherfuckers. It would be so cool to be a teacher and be that fucking cool. cool. That would be so fucking cool. Look around at everyone in this classroom. Some of these people will be dead in 10 years. Yeah. That's just the way it works. Some things will

never change. That's just the way it works. Something's way ever change. That's just the way it works. Would that song? Would it be popular? That's just the way it works. If Lauren did that over it. It's the only life is different. That's just the way it works.

Some things will never change. I have a change That's just the way it works Do you think if his name was Bruce Hornie He would be more or less successful Than Bruce Hornsby He was so Normcore It might have added some edge to him

He was Bruce Corps He was Bruce Corps Yeah he was Look if I know anything about him He was Bruce core And could he sing yeah Could he wail for sure Can he tickle the ivies

Could he play that old pine top You bet you betcha Yeah. Could he radiate on the 88? That's just the way it works. That's just the way it is. He had one other song too. That's this huge one.

I mean, he had several other songs, but in terms of hits. Yeah. Let me look this up. I know there was another one that I remember hearing on the radio. That's just the way it works. I'll tell you what his biggest hits were. The mandolin wind. Wow.

The manly wind. Make it like it never happened and now we won, mandolin. That's, of course, with the range. We're supposed to be in the range. What's the range up to? He ditched the range after 1990. What's the Beaver Brown band up to? Cafferty.

Yeah. Yeah. Look up to the dogs on the dark side. You know what the worst example of is Alice Cooper, the band was called Alice Cooper. And the Pooper Scoopers. And the Pooper Scoopers. And it was Alice Cooper and the Super Dooper Pooper Scooper.

Yeah. And then they invented the Pooper's Cooper because of that. My dad once wrote in an elevator. with Alice Cooper. Oh, really? Down or up. Good question. God, I don't know.

I don't know. But I think it's probably up. Can you ask him? Did he have the makeup on or no? He was just in his personal regular guy. Vince. I have no other details except I recall that that was a cool moment. So did your dad say anything to him or was he just like in his head going?

I don't know if he did. I want, I do recall my dad seeing Chris Farley on the street and going, hey, Chris. And then you wave back. And that was in Chicago. It was nice. Yeah. That is nice. Yeah.

Sorry, I can't talk. I'd go do drugs. Running. Wow. in this house we respect Chris Harley No disrespect intended I just tell it like it is

That's just merely That's just the way it works Something's not a change Wait so how did your dad relay That he was With Alice Cooper And did you know who that was This was a story as a kid that I heard

So I mean it's not even a story It was just he told me Yeah The way you tell it It's not a story Well I certainly don't make it a story I'll get more details

Get more details Could you text it him right now? Sure. He made something a story. It's got to be more than one sentence. That's fair. I was an alligator with Alice Cooper. Eleigator.

I wrote an alligator with Alice Cooper. I was trapped in an alligator with Alice Cooper. Much like Jonah in the whale. Yeah, it was a real Pinocchio situation. We built a fire. That's how we got up. Smart thinking on behalf of Pinocchio, don't you think? And I'm very brave, considering

he's made of wood. True. He could have yeah. That little note. that grows when he tells a fib? Let me tell you something. It gets pretty big. It's not a little. Pinaccio. The old dirty joke

in love of Panaccio. I never saw the Guillermo del Toro. It's so good. I know, I have to see it. It's so good. Really? Yeah, it's great. It's amazing.

It truly is. I'll watch it tonight. Oh, will you remember it? Will you remember it? I might watch it later. Wait, how do I know you haven't actually seen it

like with Mike and basic instinct? Well, it's a really good question. I don't know. but I'm in the middle of watching some other stuff right now. What are you watching right now? Well, I just finished last night. A great.

Kind of finish. Reality show. Ultimatum queer love. Oh, okay. I've seen the trailer. Is it ultimatum, colon, queer love? Yeah, because there's already ultimatum colon, straight love. Ultimatem.

Wait, they started with Ultimatum straight love? It didn't have any title under. No, it was just Ultimatum. Then they did a... They should just call the ultimatum again. Yeah. And then go, and then have someone explain it at the top and go like, hey, everyone. It's me.

And then the second ultimate was like, just so you know. Yeah. This is queer. Anyway, I loved it. It's Mr. Ultimatum here. It was fantastic. I had to stay up late last night and watch the finale.

Thank you for watching our programs. Or else. What we like to do is present you with love stories that you can relate to. Well, I'm kind of in succession homework. I'm back into my coffin. I'm watching Succession Season 3 because I got to catch up. But that feels like I'm just kind of like putting in the hours at this point because I mainly want to see what happens before. Delete it did did did did it

It's like guys write more than one song That night where we watched Succession after my show During the show The band played the succession theme And I played just the Oh how fun It was really fun

Did you get the right keys Every time because we put tape on them I love that It was really fun It was really fun Okay here's a question for you guys Okay, I have an answer for you. If you were going to a bake sale, what would you hope to find?

Cake. Cookies. This is a bake sale just by one person? Like, you know, it's a community bake sale. It's community. Okay, that's important. Because there's, by the way, there's this girl down the street when I'm walking the dogs who, like, even on a holiday recently is selling. I really thought you were going to, like, quote a song.

No, no, no. She's selling lemonade. Oh, boy. She's not. I think she's. 12? Okay. Selling lemonade and then I was so, it was the first time I'd seen her.

And then I've seen her like everyday since. And I said it to Kool-up and she goes, oh, yeah. She couldn't get me chain, so I had to buy a macrame hat as well. What? She needs to have Venmo, first of all. Yeah. In this day and age, nobody's walking around with $1. I found it charming of like, oh, how fun.

Like she's doing it. Because I did that one day in my life where it's like, oh, let's have a one-day. Yeah, you still love having a little... I definitely had lemonade sales. She's turning into like an everyday business. I never did it every day. Yeah. What if you did that as an adult?

My nephew sat outside and sold his Pokemon cards and it was successful. And people bought him. He was killing it. Also their kids. They were excited. I think that cute. This is when he was like seven or eight. Instead of lemonade, shouldn't they just buy like Coke at Costco for the cheapest price

and then sell it for $2? Buy president select. Yeah. Wow, that takes me back. Summers in the city. Okay, what do I hope to find? In the city. Like, if you were like, oh, there's a big sale.

Like, to me, I'm kind of like, I'm really hoping for like a gooey brownie. I guess my dad who left me when I was. Wow. Muffings? You like muffins? Muffins at a big sale? That's what you would hope for the most? Muffings?

I like muffings. Really? What kind of muffings? Booberry. Booberry muffings. Booberry muffings. I make good ones from the New York Times. The New York Times reported on this?

Yeah. You make good ones? I make good ones from the New York Times. Lauren Lapkis has done it again. There's a recipe on the New York Times. That's really good. For muffins? Yeah, for blueberry muffins.

I like blueberry muffins. Maybe I'd want either cookie or a brownie. Goody brownie. I have never really made amazing brownies. I would like to try. Brownies are so fucking good. They're so good. When a brownie is good, it is tough to eat.

And when they're not good, it's really disappointing. What would you rather have a steak or a brownie? Brownie? Every time? Yeah, I think every time. Even if you have not eaten dinner. I like steak fine, but I've enjoyed brownies far more than everyone. I would much rather have a brownie over a steak.

Yeah. Yeah. So if you went to a steak restaurant and you would not eat in dinner. Yeah. And it was your parents. And your parents said, and they're back to life. Yeah. You can only order one steak.

And they're still in charge of me. Yeah. You can only order one thing on the menu. Uh-huh. You would pick the brownie. If it's on the menu. If it's a cart that comes around, later. There's no way.

You would pick the steak. And you'd go home to him. No way. If I was told you can have one thing. Just one thing on the menu. To sustain you for the next three days. Oh, my God. And it was between a steak or a brownie.

But they said the brownie was really gooey and rollo bread. I'd eat the brownie. If you, sustaining for three days, meaning you can eat this now and then for the next few days, you can't have anything. Yeah. Yeah. Me same. Me same. Me same.

All right, we need to take a break. Only 18 states require sex said to be medically accurate. And relationship classes, let's fix that. I'm Shan, an A-Sex certified sex educator with a master's in psych. And on my podcast, Lovers by Shan, we make learning about love as mind-blowing as making it. Celebrities and fascinating people share an intimate story. Then we uncover the lesson for all of us. Watch Lovers by Shen from Lemonada Media on YouTube or listen wherever you like your podcast.

Hey, we're back. And by the way, I wanted to say I went to a concert. Recently, I saw The National. And who opened for them? Soccer Mommy opens. Now, they reached out to you, Paul. Wait, I'm Paul. Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Yeah, hello. What is this? They reached out to you to say, to give it, to offer us tickets to see this show. Which was so nice because I played one of their songs in one of our three-chers. Yes. The hit the post. And I was already going and you guys could not go. Yeah, I was sad.

I couldn't go because I was like, what a cool message to get. That was so nice. So I go to this concert and first of all, I got one person coming up and saying, by the way, I'm a piss big. Which is very nice. Love it. it. And then suddenly, uh, watching, was the National on already? I don't think so.

Maybe it was in, in between. No, I think the National were there. And suddenly there's a tap on the shoulder. And it's, uh, the young man who reached out to you. And he was like, hi, I just want to. And he talks about, uh, he plays in the band. And he, he talks about how much he loves the show. Did he find, how did he find you?

Did you have a seat that he got you? No. Wow. He just found me in the crowd. I bet he saw you from the stage. Well, you're a tall man. I don't think so. He's like, I'm going to go.

get that guy. And I was sitting down. Wow. His torso is really long. Oh, you might have been the only one sitting down. That's how we recognized. He's like, wow, someone's a loser. I will say I was on the aisle. Who's that old man? Okay. Okay. Who's that old man who shouldn't be going to concerts?

Nobody, he talks about how much he loves the show. Oh, that's very nice. Thank you. Anyway, so, and he said he was a piss pig. I love it. So it's always great to hear from you piss pigs out there. Shout out to. celebrity piss pig Ryan Gall.

That's right. That was flattering to me that he listens to the show. My old pal from Bejillion, I hadn't seen him in a while, and he confessed to me the green room of the UCB theater that he is a piss pig. I love it. Wonderful. All right. Let's time for a three-cher.

We have a three-cher. It really is. Now, what it is, we played this game recently, but we learned from a comment that we were doing it wrong, and it's actually really eye-opening. A comment was good for once, and we learned something. The game, I don't know if it was called. umbrella or if it's picnic or what it is. But it's the game where basically,

we can say we're going to a picnic, because I think that's a common one. We left out. We've all been to a picnic in our lives, right? Everyone's constantly going to picnics. What the rule is for the picnic. Yes. I feel like I haven't been to a picnic in years.

Yeah, why would you? Like, I used to go to them all the time when I was young. Yeah, I feel like at least three times a year. Let's meet at the Silver Lake Reservoir. Everyone bring a cheese. Everyone bring one cheese, please. Anyway, the way it works is.

Throw it to the reservoir. All juices, no beverages. One person comes up with the rule for what's allowed at the picnic. The other two people will try to bring something, and the person in charge tells them whether they can bring it or not. The thing we forgot is the person who knows the rule also has to say one thing they're going to bring to help. Yes. So you're not just guessing it everything in the world.

Yes. Okay. I have it. You have it. Yes. Okay. Hey, how about that picnic? Can we come?

Depend. Can you bring something? Yeah, I'm going to bring potato salad. No. Oh, I wanted to come. I was going to bring a teddy bear. No, you can't come. No.

Oh. I tell you what I'm going to bring, though. I'm going to bring a large bowling ball. Okay. A large one. Yeah. Like, not regulation size. A novelty bowling ball?

Sure. Okay. You know the kind? Yeah. Well, I'm going to bring a globe. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm not going to allow you to come.

Piece of shit. I'm going to bring a 20-pound weight. 50. 75. 100-pound weight. Get it up. 300-pound weight. Up more.

8,000 pound weight. You can come. What are you going to bring? I'm going to bring a donut, a metal donut. A metal donut? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about, right, Paul? Yeah, of course I do.

Oh, yeah, I do. I'm going to bring a cement hula hoop No the fuck are you laughing at I don't know because I'm fucking wrong you I'm going to bring a hairbrush the size of this room No you cannot bring that

What? Okay does it feel so good when it's coming back at me I'm going to bring a face mask. Face mask. A metal donut, allowing me to bring an 8,000 pound weight. I'm going to bring a big black shoe. Yeah, you can come.

Huge black shoe? Not huge, no, but a black shoe, as long as it's a tennis shoe. Okay. I'm going to bring an oversized yo-a-old. yoga mat. No. Stay out of this. No.

Look, I'll tell you what I'm going to bring is I'm probably going to bring a lacrosse stick. Okay. I'm going to bring a big basketball. Yeah, come on in. Yeah. I'm going to bring a basketball hoop. Yeah, you can come. Yeah, whatever you want.

I'm going to bring a catcher's mitt. I'm going to bring a golf club. club. Yeah. Come on in. So it's sporting equipment. Yeah. Well, why did my weight have to be $8,000?

Yes. I don't care how big it was. What was the metal donut? That you put around the baseball bat? Oh my God. All right. What do you think it was? I said, Paul, you know what I mean.

And you went, yeah, I do. I thought it was something dirty. You were the baseball guy. You're a guy. Anytime somebody says, you know what I mean. I assume it's filth. Okay. I'm ready with my thing.

Okay. Hey. Who are you? Let me get at that picnic. I'm your neighbor? Yes. Hi. I'm your pastor.

Yes, I know that. You consult with us both whenever you make huge life decisions? Oh, I didn't hear about this. I'm having a picnic tomorrow. I would love to come to your picnic. How about this? I'm going to bring some lemonade that cool refreshing drink. No, you can't come.

What the fuck? I'm going to bring a collection of vinyl records. No, you can't come. You know, I'm going to bring some some like little wintery boots little wintry boots.

Little wintry boots. All right, well I'm going to bring a thick willy scarf. You can come. I'm going to bring a dollhouse. You cannot come. I'm going to bring a dog. Okay.

I'm going to bring a mink coat. You can come. going to bring a coat with like a, like a fur lining on it? You can come. Yeah. It's furry thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got it. Yeah. Okay, Paul's turn. All right. Now this is too easy. I know. That's why I tried to start weird. Oh my God. You guys. Yeah. Oh, my God. Brenda. It's me, Brenda. I'm having one of my famous picnacks. Brenda. Brenda, I'm here too. Brenda. Are you coming to my peckknack? Yeah, I'm kind to your packknack. Well, what are you going to bring?

Stupid? I was going to bring a dress, you bitch. You can't come. I'm sorry. Oh, no. Brenda, I was going to bring my calculus textbook. Oh, no. You can't come.

I'm sorry. Oh, no. I was going to bring a set of keys. Wait, I'm also going to say what I'm going to bring, remember? Yeah, sorry. Because we don't want to be in danger territory. Sorry. I'm going to bring a fancy picnic basket.

Oh. Oh. I'm going to bring a picnic blanket. No, sorry. I'm going to bring a wicker chair. No, sorry. What are you going to bring? Oh.

I'm going to bring a bench to sit on. Okay. Things are a three-dimensional. So I'm going to bring, like, a tree. Okay. You can come. Okay. I'm going to bring a half-court basketball court.

I mean, okay, you can come. Okay. Okay. What are you going to bring? Remember? Good question, remember? Remember you told me to eat my own ass that I didn't guess, give you time to say? And you've forgotten both times?

And then you're like, whatever. I'm going to bring a patio umbrella, but not the canvas part. Okay. I'm going to bring a guitar. Okay, you could go. Yeah. I'm going to bring a slide. I don't think you could come.

I'm going to. I'm going to bring. Oh, so now you know you're supposed to say. Now you're mad at her again. Okay, what? I'm going to bring my Dutch clogs. Okay. I'm going to bring a bed that's made of wood.

Okay. You're going to come. I'm going to bring. a bumblebee that's made of wood. Okay, you can go. I'm going to bring, oh wait, your turn. No, get going. I'll get going. I'm bringing a wooden spoon.

Okay, you could come. You're going to bring a Trojan horse. Okay, you can come. I'm going to bring a wooden ornament. Okay, you can go. I'm going to bring a piece of paper that used to be wood. Okay, you could come. I'm going to bring a door.

Okay, you could go. These are all stupid things. Oh, wow. Yeah. Great time. Great time. We fixed it. We fixed it. We redeemed ourselves. Yeah. Like, Christ redeemed the world with his blood. Yeah. That's right. Thanks for that, by the way. His blood are pissed. Hey, in case I never said it, thank you. Thank you. Hey, no one's ever said this to him before. But thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Is it time to go? It's like, would it be so bad if I got one thank you for going through that?

Somebody just say? I mean, no one asked me to do it, granted, but I did do it. But I did do it. It'd be nice to be appreciated. Could be. You know what? Here's what sucks, though. Yeah. Is that I know we have to go. Vacuum cleaners.

So we didn't ask to be born with sin. In the first, we didn't ask me to be born in the first place. But then we're just, you know, whatever, going about our lives, trying the best we can. And then it's like, oh, Jesus died for your sins. Great. Great. But then it's like, that's all I need to know about it. Now I can just live my life.

But now you can still go to hell? No, you have to do more. Right. No. This guy did it already. I think this is a good thing to get into, like, right now because we're about to wrap it up. By the way, it's for Jesus, it's transactional love, which I don't appreciate it. How about it?

You know what I mean? What's Jesus is love language? Gifts. Gifts. Gifts. Gifts. Gifts. Acts of service.

Gifts. Gifts. Acts of service. We were just talking. Lauren, Janie and I were just talking about this last night. What do you think yours is? My, my giving love language is gifts. Mm-hmm.

And my receiving is touch. Oh. Yeah. I don't know what my name is. We guessed each other's and it was very satisfying. Do you have to do a quiz or do you just kind of go with what? No, we read the list and then we just kind of guessed it. Oh, there's a list?

This makes it easier. Yeah. It's narrowed down for you. Yeah. Okay. Mine is just being a good person who does the best he can. Wow. Not on the list.

That's not on the list, so it's not a style. Yeah. Damn it. So therefore you're lying. Yeah. Oh, no. Yep. Well, liar.

He's lying. And this is Freedom, the podcast. And if you would like to listen to Add Free Versions of this, why don't you go to CBBWorld.com or Stitcher Premium or go fuck yourself. Sure. Or go fuck yourself. If you would like to send us a creature like the kind we just played, you can email us at FreedomUSA.gmail.com.

You can also leave us a voicemail if you like. Under 30 seconds, please. Please make sure your voice isn't annoying. Oh, please go to broadcasting school. Yes. And then leave us a voicemail. Yes. And you can call us at,

Tag claims eight. It's great. And then do you guys have shows coming up? I'm sure I do, but it's too far away for me to know right now. Yeah. Your phone is too far away for you to know? No, I just, I haven't planned that far in advance. Yeah.

We're probably in the middle of July. No, we're at the end of June. My good friend. I was going to have a big fun show at Dynasty that I'm planning now, but, you know, follow my Instagram to see. June, can you give the date at least? No, I don't have the date. Okay.

That's how much I don't know yet. Okay. Mom, drag. But I have an idea and I have a plan. Okay. I hate this. Okay. I'm going to say this, though, July 9th, you can go to my show at Lodrome.

That's a week after my birthday. For a, you know, shit. When's Paul's birthday? Sherlock. September something. Yep. 16? July, nope.

And July 9th, you're getting closer, though. July 9th at Varietopia. July 9th. It's Varietopia. My life. Laudrum and Highland Park. Go to Paula Thompson.com slash live for tickies. Yeah.

And by the Comedy Bang Bang Book, these guys wrote stuff for it. I wrote stuff for it. We all wrote stuff for it. Everyone in the world wrote something for it. For ice cream. And it's good. You'll like it.

It's a really fun book. Hopefully you can read. You fucking... There's lots of pictures, though. There are lots of pictures. You'll be able to tell what's going on if you can't read. Even if you can't. Just look at pictures.

Yeah. What's wrong with looking in pictures? Buy the book twice. Once for looking at pictures, once for looking at words. Yeah. Yeah. that's what I do. Buy them for your neighbors, too.

Just leave them on the doorsteps. Like, how great would that be if one day you woke up and there was a book on your doorstep? Do you know what? That would be a little creeped. Buy one to put in the bread aisle of your supermarket. Yeah.

I'll tell you what, if I ever go to a supermarket, and I'm in the bread aisle and I see a copy of the comedy bang, bang, bag, I'll sign it for the store. Oh, that's great. There you go. So all the people who work there

get a chance to read a page when they have a break. Yeah, exactly. A break, right, right, You know, I suck. Goodbye. Goodbye.

You know, when you're just going about your busy day, and a voice asks you something like, Why do people have crushes? Or, do dogs know their dogs? The Brains-on podcast is here to help. Every episode answers tough questions with funny skits, cool facts, and more. It's a science show for kids of all ages,

whether you grew up with JFK, MTV, TLC, or TN. MZ, Brains On is for you. Listening may induce uncontrollable laughter and turn backseat squabbles into harmonious car trips. Find Brains On wherever you get your podcasts.