Threedom - Threevisiting: The Bootleg Bug Man

Episode Date: May 27, 2025

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul & Lauren discuss dissecting animals and school plays before listening to some fan voicemails. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

On August 9, 2014, a police officer shot and killed Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri, setting off 400 days of uprising. Hands up! Don't shoot! Hands up! That's what the world saw. What they didn't see was the family, the grief, and the young man behind the headlines. Now, his mother, Leslie McSpadden, tells her story of love, loss, and the fight for justice.

I'm still Mike's mom. Once you're a mother, you never forget how to mother. From Lemonada Media and Campaign Zero, Still My Baby is coming out May 27th. Other People's Problems was the first podcast to take you inside real-life therapy sessions. I'm Dr. Hilary McBride, and again, we're doing something new. The ketamine really broke down a lot of my barriers. This work has this sort of immediate transformational effect. Therapy Using Psychedelics is the new frontier

in mental health. Come along for the trip. Other People's Problems, season five, available now. for the trip. Other People's Problems Season 5, available now. Freedom! Freedom! Um, freedom! Freedom! Yeah. Hi, I'm Paul.

Did you guys notice that I was doing a little character in the theme song? No. Hi, I'm Lauren, no. I tune you out, I'm Scott. Why do you? I'm not listening. I tune you out.

Fuck me? Fuck me. You tune me out? I tune you out. You tune me out? I tune me out. Fuck me? Fuck me. You tune me out? I tune you out. You tune me out? I tune me out. Tune me, tune me, tune me out. I love that song.

It's so good. It's so good. Lauren, would you like to be an alien and go to another planet and then act? Right now. Yeah, goodbye. No, and then act. Well, if I wasn't another planet,

I would be an alien. Right? She got you, she got you. That's what I mean, but you go to another planet, I would be an alien. Right? She got you, she got you. That's what I mean. But you go to another planet, be an alien, and then give the alien to you aliens. Go to another planet, be an alien. Give them an impression of what humans are like,

but you're acting really weird. Well, yeah, I would just do, if I went there, I'd be like, okay, so what planet am I on? Do you wanna be the? Xenox. Okay, do you wanna be the Xenoxians? Yeah, I'll be the Xenox. Yeah.

Okay. And I was, I was. Are you one of them? I was going to say, where were you going to say? Lean Earth. Oh, okay. I think it's a better planet.

Well, what if it was half Xenox, half Lean Earth and our planets were cleaved in twain. Yes, Plaxor. Yeah. And then they come together. And you both are from there? Yes. And I'm arriving in like a spaceship. Yeah, and I'm arriving. Yeah, like a spaceship

I mean, it's it's it's it's in a shuttle. It's invisible like Wonder Woman's plane. Why how'd I get it? Shouldn't all be earthy you spray painted it. So you I feel like it should be like NASA that I like got sent out Like, yeah, you know, it's not like NASA. Oh shit. That's good. Let him have it, dude Okay, so you're arriving. Okay, and I'm getting out and we put on our Universal Translators It's gonna be like a... Nasta. Oh shit, that's good. You let him have it, dude. Okay, so I'm... Okay, so you're arriving. Okay, and I'm getting out. And we put on our universal translators.

Ooh, good sound effects. Much like Captain Marvel. She's wearing flippers. We should be recording this for our sound effects record. Oh yeah, what do we have so far? Hey! Just pouring water. Hey, excuse me.

Hi. What? Hey. What? Oh, you speak, oh, you're using a universal translator. Yeah, you have yours on too. Oh, I'm speaking English. What's that?

Yeah, we know because we can understand it because you are wearing your universal translator. What is English? English is the language of my country. What's a country? What a country? It's like a land mass on a planet. I mean, I've got to smirn up.

On plaques or question asks you. A country is like a land mass on a planet that we kind of arbitrarily determine has its own rules. You lost me at English. Okay, so you got me in this now. I'm just trying to teach you, I'm here to just kind of explain what human beings from Earth do.

What are these? Earth? You mean Terra? Yeah, Terra. Oh, Terra. Are you guys still there? We thought you would be extinct by now because of the way you treat each other. No, we're doing great actually.

That was good, right? That was good. We always act like everything's about to end and then it gets at least five to 10 more years before it gets really dire again. Okay, what are you doing here? I'm here to teach you about human beings from Earth. I didn't realize there'd be a test.

Okay. We're just minding our own business. I didn't think I was going to school today. Oh, fuck. We were just having a conversation. Never mind. I don't have to do that. Bye. Wow, that was our first contact with an alien life form. Hey, I thought we did pretty good. I think we did pretty good. It was kind of anticlimactic. I just wanted to abduct you and put stuff in your butt. All right, here's my butthole. Do whatever you need to do.

Oh, it's on your neck. We can just hand it to you. Oh, yeah. It's portable. We have portable buttholes here. Can I keep it? I don't think so. Woo!

Oh, she jumped off that cliff. She jumped into our buttholes. And out of our cars. Who's zooming my butthole? She was simply awesome. Hey, we loved her. We loved her. We woke up and suddenly we were in love.

Well, I'm back. Oh! And I just climbed out of two buttholes. Hey, congrats. You look like it. I gotta go now, wee! You know, I don't even of two buttholes. Hey, congrats. You look like it. I gotta go now, wee. You know, I don't even care that she's back anymore. I wish she'd stop announcing

if she's just gonna leave right away. Oops, I forgot my apple. Apple, oh, that's what that is. Bye. Primitive earth technology, apples. Oh, I'll be back just to explain that really quick. An apple is a fruit. You can bite it. Yes, we used to have that really quick. An apple is a fruit. You can bite it.

Yes, we used to have that. Now all of our food is gas. Oh, what does that taste like? It's gross. Bye. It tastes like what humans call petrol. I'm just gonna stop acknowledging her. I'm back.

I just wanted to let you know a little something about. Anyway, so what are you up to? I just wanted to tell you guys about game shows. I was thinking about going to work today. Because I don't think you have that here. You go to work? What do you do at work? Yeah, we're talking. Yeah, we're talking. No, I know I'm just back and I'm not from here.

So we know you're back. Be polite to talk to you. We heard all your announcements. Yeah. I actually have to go now. So I, yeah, I thought it'd be fun to go back. Goodbye. Yeah. Okay. Anyway. Yeah. That was fake. I'm actually still here. I hate earthlings. OK, now I'm leaving. Was this what you were like as a little kid? Probably. Yeah, I'm still here.

I was just pretending to leave. Yeah, waiting around the bed to see if they talk about me. Yeah, sure. On the bed. So I got a school with my books tied up in a belt. Much like Samantha Parkington. Oh, from the American girls. She had a thing to carry her books that was it wasn't a belt, but it was two things with a.

It was like a strap. Yeah, it's like a strap with a wooden beam on the top. Oh, buckles around and you slide the books in like a pilgrim's hat. Pilgrims hat. Do a pilgrim's hat? Like a pilgrim's hat. Do we talk about this before, like when you were a fucking kid and you had to carry around a bunch of goddamn books on your back. Heaviest bags ever. And then we would wear our low slung

because that was cool at the time. Yes, and then it hindered your walking. And then we had to put them in our lockers and we weren't allowed to carry backpacks all day. Exactly, we did talk about this. I think I would carry a stack of books them in our lockers and we weren't allowed to carry backpacks all day. Exactly. We did talk about this. Thank God. I think I would carry a stack of books because every class expected you to have your book with you, your textbook with you. But I never wanted to go to the locker because my locker

was filled with whatever shit and papers and stuff that were there in the first couple of weeks. New photos taped up on there. Exactly. You never went again. My locker was my pride and joy. I loved going to my locker. Yeah. But you never went again. My locker was my pride and joy. I loved going to my locker. Yeah. And I loved organizing it. And also all my classes were all over the place. It was like it just would waste time. Some weren't even at your school. Yeah.

So I guess when you had to go learn how to put on pants. You get on a train. I was thinking about could you ever put on pants the opposite way? You mean, but first, Chris Cross style? Like instead of going into them, they go on you. What? We've talked about this too. And I'm not kidding.

We did talk about that. Because I said I throw my pants up in the air and wait for them to fall down over me. No, but could you put your pants on where they come up through your, where you're going inside out. No, you're going inside. They're inside out.

You put them. You put your feet on They're inside out. You put them. You put your feet on top of the legs. You put your feet into the leg holes. And then you go up and you turn them right side in. I'm sure you could, but simply why? I wanna do it. You can do that either. I thought you were suggesting,

here's what I thought you were suggesting. I'm gonna take my pants off. I thought you were suggesting putting your feet through the leg holes. Yeah. And turn and going inside, from inside out to right side in. Scott, no, your brain works in such magical ways. How can we ever understand a creature such as you?

Study me, I guess. Under a microscope. I'd like to put a giant pin in you, a stick you want on a board. Like a butterfly. Do they tell you about the bug dude? Like a what? The who? The bug dude in junior high.

I don't think so. No, did I tell you about the pocket lady? Oh, two new stories. Although I don't know if mine's noon. Pocket lady sounds familiar. Noon? Okay, we had to do bug collections. Had to, got to.

In science class in junior high. No, I call bullshit on that. You bring me the bugs. Bring me the bugs and I'll tell you what I think about them. We had to do leaf. I'll tell you what they are. No, you had to. I call this guy big greenie, get it next.

And they would tell you what bugs you had to collect, right? And you had to pin them into Styrofoam and identify them and all that. Fuck that. And you'd go, where the fuck am I supposed to, and how do I get these bugs? And they're like, get a big net and go find them places, right?

And they go, hey, there's a park across the street with a pond, there's a whole bunch out there, right? God bless this drunk teacher. Yeah. Who's like, yeah, okay. This is what I wonder, it's a big ask. I'm so hung over. Okay guys, we're gonna do a bug collection.

I mean, we dissected frogs and worms as well. No, we dissected frogs, worms, and pigs. So'm so hungover. Right? Okay guys, we're gonna do a bug collection. I don't think it's normal. I mean, we dissected frogs and worms as well. No, we dissected frogs, worms, and pigs. Okay, so other people did this. We dissected baby pigs. We did frogs and pigs. Baby pigs. But so the bug- It's just really sick when you think about it now.

So the bug collection thing- Yeah, it's horrific. I mean, I thought it was gross, but I didn't think it was inhumane. I didn't wanna do it. I do think it's bad now. So the bug collection, I went out with a net, a butterfly net or whatever, and tried-

Hold on a second. Were you provided the nets, or you had to get the net by yourself? I think you with a with a net, a butterfly net or whatever, and try it. Hold on a second. Were you provided the nets or you had to get the net by yourself? I think you had to get the net by yourself. This is fucking garbage. Terrible. I went out one day to the park and swung around the net, the net just going, I'm trying to get a bug. And I can't get bugs. OK, OK. When people talk about what they would do with the time machine,

I would go back to watch this. Try to get a bug here. Little fucking spot with some net. That would change the course of the future forever if we watch that. Yeah, talk about the butterfly effect. Well, I'd never talk about it. I was gonna say.

The not catching a butterfly effect. How can you do butterfly effect? So you get like three months to do this, right? I fucking hope so. Yeah, yeah. So it's not like you're saying, hey, do this tonight. You can do the rest of your academic career. Any bugs that you find. Well, you're supposed to find certain bugs

and be able to identify them and shit. I'm sorry, that is so rude. It sucks. Obviously not a praying mantis, because if you kill one, you go to jail. Yeah. You gotta- And it goes to hell,

because it's in the middle of asking forgiveness for its sins. And you interrupt that. It's unbaptized. So- Oh, you don't know. So basically, like, the clock is ticking down on this three months, right? And it's getting closer.

In the first couple of months, you're like, yeah, at some point I'm gonna try to get these bugs or whatever. Yeah, this is doable. And then a month in, it's like, yeah, I some point I'm gonna try to get these bugs or whatever. Yeah, this is doable. And then a month in, it's like, yeah, I gotta get these bugs, but I can still do it, right? I mean, it's gonna come down to the wire.

And then the week of you have no bugs and you're like, what the fuck am I gonna do? No bugs. I was in biology class, well, it was my sophomore year. It was actually a freshman year class, but I had skipped it freshman year because I really didn't wanna do it. So then I was a sophomore in it with all these freshmen,

but it was kind of fun. And there were two other sophomores. And we had to do a freshman year class, but I skipped it freshman year because I really didn't want to do it. So then I was a sophomore in it with all these freshmen, but it was kind of fun. And there were two other sophomores. And we had to do a project where we, I know, where we had to like do like an internship for like the whole semester and like go do a scientific internship of some sort. And they wanted people to do this or they,

or you just showed up and said, you have to take me on as an intern. It was like, you had to figure it all out yourself. And so of course I just ignored it for like ever, like months and months. And I was like, oh shit, that's due. And then my friend's mom like knew a biologist or whatever who was like going to like do,

like get some samples at a creek. And I like went. Sounds miserable. I like tagged along with these two people randomly and I helped them like collect shit. For one day or something? Yeah. And then they signed your thing?

Yeah. Then I wrote the whole thing as if it was over the course of time. Well you know, I wasn't going to graduate high school and the person called me. Somebody talked you into it? Yeah. I was like, all right, I'll do it. No, they called me and said, oh, by the way, you're not graduating high school because you never did your work studies. I hope that's not how they said said, oh, by the way, you're not graduating high school because you never did your work studies.

I hope that's not how they said it. Oh, by the way, you're not graduating high school. Oh, by the way. They called him into the office. Yeah, obviously. Oh, by the way. By the way, oh, something that just came up. No, they said, you're not graduating high school

because you never did your work study thing. And I was like, oh, yeah. And this is another insane act. Is that the bugs? Is that the bugs from five years ago? I hate what you're supposed to kind of figure out. Yeah, how to, so I was like, well what? It feels unfair. and this is another insane act. Is that the bugs? Is that the bugs from five years ago? I hate that you're supposed to like kind of figure out. Yeah, how to, so I was like, well what-

It feels unfair. So I was like, what do I have to do? And they're like, well, you should have had this already, but you need to do one of these few things, right? So I went to the public access TV station where I had a TV show. Find a woman with hair as gold as the sun. Find a raven's feather black as the night.

So I hadn't done any episodes of that TV show in my senior year, because I was going to the high school of the arts. And I went to the head of the public access, and he's like, yeah, I haven't seen you around this year. I'm like, dude, could you just sign this? Can I please do comedy, bing, bing? You just signed this thing

saying I've been here all year working. What's it gonna take, dude? And he's like, all right, but only if you come back this summer and do more episodes of your show. Like we've missed having you around. I'm like, I promise I never saw him again. But I graduated high school.

You're a liar. The story is they begged you to do more episodes of your little show. I get it. Oh my God, we need your show. Your high school kids show is the best show on the network. Listen, Child, we love having you around here. It's so good. I had good shows. It's so good. Anyway, so of course I went to TV camp at the public access station. Yeah, I bet good shows. It's so good. Anyway, so. Of course, I went to TV camp at the public access station when I was a child.

Yeah, but your shows were good too. And my shows were fantastic. I would love to see them. I didn't get to do any fun shit like that. That sure was horrible. Did that dumb broadcasting thing. Where was that? It was just like radio show.

I told you about this because there was the local newscaster who someone just ascribed the Richard Gere rumor to him and it stuck. Oh yeah. And it's like, no, not two people. Well, it's Richard Gere, Rod Stewart and this guy. Rod Stewart I heard was a separate rumor. Jerbals for both.

I never heard Jerbals. I heard Jerbals for both. Never. Jerbals for both, please. Jerbals, Jerbals everywhere. And we'll have Jerbals for both. Two for a gerbil. But there was, so I did this very, I can't.

Do any adults have a gerbil? I don't know. Don't you think it's a kid pet? Well, this ties into my bug story. Okay, you caught a gerbil? Put it up my ass. No, so, Paul, and if I'm interrupting you, please let me know, but Paul's laughing right now.

I'm stopping myself because I know I've told this story before and it's not worth it. It's not worth it. Listener, if you haven't heard the story, go rewind this podcast and it'll just rewind every other episode. Start from episode one and continue. Okay, so. You told us about a jerkhole. It is though.

It's a kid's pet. It's a kid's pet. Kids are keeping the jerkhole business alive. No, it's not. It's a kid's pet. Kids are keeping the jerkhole business alive. The adults have a gerbil. It is though, it's a kid's pet. It's a kid's pet. It is a kid's pet. Kids are keeping the gerbil business alive. The adults who have rabbits.

The closest is guinea pig. There are some adults who have guinea pigs. Yeah. But no adult like has. What about goldfish too? But then I went, but why? Like why don't people have a hamster or a guinea pig? Like just one goldfish in a bowl.

One goldfish in a bowl, yeah. That's fucked up. That would be sucks. No one has a gerbil. That would be sucks. That's fucked up. That would be sus. No one has a gerbil. That would be sus. Sus. Oh, that would be, sucks.

So anyway, so the- What's a gerbil's lifespan? Two months? Days? Oh. So it's the week of having to turn it in. I'm like, what the fuck am I gonna do about this bug collection thing?

And my friend goes, oh, there's this dude who sells bugs. Oh, perfect. And we're like, what? And- My friend goes, oh, there's this dude who sells bugs. Oh, perfect. And we're like, what? And- Live? Yeah, he's got a deep leg. He lives in a web. He's like, he does this-

He catches them all day long. He does this for all of us junior high students. What? You gotta go to his house and pay per bug. The bootleg bug man? Is the science teacher in cahoots with the bug man? You gotta go to his house and pay pay per bug Teacher in cahoots with the bug man Did the bug man look like the science teacher with a fake mustache by any chance And then your science teacher would drive around laughing at you all trying to jump around with a net idiots Just find the bug man. He's just counting money. He's like waiting for you

He's like got a camcorder He's just going footage of all these dumb fucking kids Then he and the bug man laugh at it. And he and the bug man are himself looking at the mirror. Look at this guy, look at this guy. Mr. Science and the Bug Man. So we go over to- All of the ideas together.

That was everything. So we hear about Bug Man and we're like, okay, we make an appoint, I forget exactly. Appointment? But yeah, it was like- Do you have an appointment? After this guy- You guys just show up at the bug guy's office? He's at his house, he make an appointment. I forget exactly. Appointment? But yeah, it was like after this guy's job. You guys just show up at the bug guys? He's at his house, he's got bugs all over the place. It was after this guy's job at his apartment, right?

I'm sure, where he caught cockroaches under the bed. Yeah. Sold them to kids. So in my mind- When he's not catching syphilis. In my mind, this is gonna be like a simple transaction of, he goes, oh, hey, great. Here you are.

You'll need this bug. What kind of bugs do you need? OK, it's this amount of money. And it'll take 20 minutes. Let me check my stock. And also, if you're supposed to keep the bugs alive for like months? No, no, no, no.

You kill. They're dead. They're dead, and you put pins in them and display them and put like the name of it underneath. That was never part of it. That's good. From the very beginning, you are killing these bugs. I am really, really, really.

The egg thing where you have to keep it alive. If you can keep this bug, mosquito alive for a month, you can be a parent. That's probably true. So- That's not that easy. Because those things are not supposed to live that long. But it was like going to a drug dealer's house

or something where- It sounds like it for sure. You knock on the door and the guy's like, all right, well, come on in here. And we got, of course, he's a creep. Of course I have a lot of bugs here. Here's my selection. And he goes, but the thing about it is you can't just buy the bugs from me. You're going to have to answer questions in your class about these.

So I'm going to have to give you a lot of information about each bug. You can't say anything bad about Italians are fine as fuck. So he's like, I'm gonna have to teach you everything about each bug. No, we're trying not to do that, sir. It was five fucking hours.

We're sitting there in this creeps apartment as he teaches us about every bug and our eyes are glassed over and we're like Just sell us the fucking bugs. That's the work that you put in and of course then I Arrange them free. I arrange them on my thing I turn in pay for I turn them in and the teacher never says one word about it asks me any question about any Just like no his head was down on the desk. Yeah, he was like I have his old 5,000 bugs around me right now.

I've made these kids bring me... You weren't supposed to be able to do it. Yeah, you were all supposed to fail. Somehow you found the bug man. You found the bug man of Cyprus, California. Oh, Mr. Sines and the bug man. Mr. Bug Man. The bug man of Cyprus, California. All right, we have to take a break. We'll be right back. Bugman. The Bugman of Cyprus, California. That's so creepy. All right, we have a steak break. We'll be right back.

Bye bye. King of the impossible. I have a question for you. Okay. I hopefully have an answer, but if I don't, I'm just going to run out of the room really quickly. Okay. I mean, I would say take another guess if...

You want me to just hazard a guess? I don't want you to just leave, yeah. Okay, well, let's hear the question. I might just leave. Okay, here's the question. You know when a new shirt just becomes your go-to? Oh, God, bye! Oh, Scott!

He's gone. He left a hole in the wall shaped like himself. That's what happened when I picked up... I'm back! Oh, okay. Good. what happened when I picked up- I'm back. Oh, okay. Good. You're just in time to hear my personal story. Oh, okay.

Please tell me something really hugging at my heartstrings. Do you remember what I said about the new shirt becoming my go-to? Oh, yeah. That scared me. That's what happened when I picked up a few new pieces, I call them, from Quince. They're the first things I reach for in my closet. Lightweight, comfortable, and always on point. Yeah.

I mean, I know from my experience, Quince has all the things you actually want to wear, like organic cotton silk polos, European linen beach shorts. They also have comfortable pants that work for everything from backyard hangs, of which I do on the rag, to nice dinners. Which I do constantly. Can I just say what the best part is? Please! Everything from Quince is priced 50 to 80% less

than what you'd find at similar brands. By working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middlemen, Quince gives you luxury pieces without the crazy markups. Well, to build on what Lauren's saying, Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes.

Look, I like Quince. I like their stuff. I wear one of their jackets all the time. And I struggle with what to wear in the summer to stay cool and still look, you know, as awesome as I do. So that's why I'm excited about Quince's 100% European linen dress pants. They're breathable, they're comfortable, and they're dressy enough to wear to work or out to dinner on the hottest of days. And they're definitely about to become one of my summer staples. I urge you to elevate your closet with Quince. Go to quince.com slash freedom for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. How do you spell it? Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash freedom to get free shipping and 365 day returns.

Quince.com slash freedom. Boy, what's around the corner these days? Have you been fudging about it? What'd you say? Fudge, fudge, yeah. I know that's where it's made. Yeah, of course. I don't know whether they sell it there,

but summer also is just around the corner like Lauren was saying. Yeah, Lauren know that's where it's made. Yeah, of course. I don't know whether they sell it there, but summer also is just around the corner. Like Lauren was saying. Yeah. The folks at Mint Mobile have a hot take. Getting a summer bod is out and getting your summer bod savings. Wait, I just said your summer bod savings. That doesn't make sense. Getting your savings bod is in. Oh, this spring and summer we want skimpy wireless bills and fat wallets. And with premium wireless plans

for just 15 bucks a month, you can have both without breaking a sweat. Or the bank. I hate sweating, so this is the perfect phone for me. Say bup-bye to your overpriced wireless plans jaw-dropping monthly bills and unexpected coverages. Overages is more what I was thinking, but... I'm having a hard time reading today. That's right. But let me tell you, if you're having a hard time reading, or if you're having huge monthly bills

and unexpected overages, Mint Mobile is here to rescue you. Woo, thank God. Yeah, all Mint Mobile plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. And you know what, Lauren? Use your own phone. With any Mint mobile plan and bring your home phone number or your cell number actually

Along with all of your existing contacts it all works out on there Whether I'm road tripping with friends working from a beach cafe You love doing that or just trying not to melt in the city heat You love doing that. Mint mobile has what I need to stay connected with reliable lightning fast service all for a fraction of what other wireless companies charge. I gotta say something here. Yeah, please Paul. Folks ditch overpriced wireless and get three months of premium wireless service from Mint

Mobile for 15 bucks a month! This year skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's mintmobile.com slash freedom. Upfront payment of $45 for three month, five gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. see Mint Mobile for details. Hey, I'm Reshma Sajjani, founder of Girls Who Code and Moms First.

I consider myself a pretty successful adult woman. So why is it that in midlife, as I'm about to turn 50, I feel so stuck? Join me as I try to find the answer on my so-called midlife from Lemonada Media. I talk to experts and extraordinary guests about divorce, exercise, menopause, sex, drugs, and more to understand what we're going through and how to make the most of it. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. And we're back.

Yeah. And we're full of bugs. You had something you wanted to say? I wanted to say something to Kevin, but we're off. And we're full of bugs. You had something you wanted to say? I wanted to say something to Kevin, but we're off the Kevin track now. If people knew the things that we say to Kevin. Oh my God. We are merciless.

We are merciless. Kevin, let me tell you something. Kevin loves to spill the tea and we lap it up like little piggies. Please Kevin, give us more. Please more tea. Well, we're back, obviously. And there's nothing you can do about it.

It could stop the podcast. Yeah, like most others. And never listen to it again. What were you gonna say, Lauren? Yeah, what were you gonna say? I'm not gonna say it now. No, but tell us the other thing you were gonna say. Oh, fine, I'll say another thing if you want.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please, Lauren, say another thing. I just think back to high school and all the ways I would procrastinate things and all the things I didn't understand that I was just going along with. And it's just crazy when you think back to that time and you're just sitting there going, I don't understand at all what is being explained because I'm not listening. Sounds like your life now. Yeah, it's true. It does cross over a little bit.

I struggle with science. I struggle with science so much. My first science class in high school was IPS, introductory physical science. IP freely. You don't have irritable piss syndrome? Irritable piss syndrome. How am I pissed? It's irritating.

It doesn't burn. It's just irritating me. Not even PETA syndrome. It's just irritating me. Not even PETA syndrome. Irritable PISS syndrome. What's IPS, dear? Introduction. It's introductory physical science, hun. What does that mean? I don't remember. Yeah. Needless to say, I was not doing well in that class. Physical science. What would it mean? I wonder.

Well, it's like that's where you have your your beakers and your Erlenmeyer flasks. Yeah, needless to say I was not doing well in that class physical sound. What would it mean? I wonder well It's like that's where you have your your beakers in your Erlenmeyer Making potions chemistry and I was like, why am I doing I know and I was able to chemistry Well, here's what happened to me was I was so bad in because we had tracks You know track one one, track two, track three, track four. We did not have fields one through four. What does track mean?

That means you're, are you a smart or a dumb dumb? Yeah. I'm a track four. Is that like what you've got? Track four's bad. Yeah. What track were you? You don't need to know science, honey.

You're a track four. But that's so dismissing. What were you? Go work on a car. I was track one. Oh, that's the thing. I grew up smart. Yes.

And so they expected a lot from me. I grew up smart? I was one of those people where they would say, you're not living up to your potential. And it's like, actually, maybe this is beyond me. Well, I was like, you know what I mean? I don't know what you're gathering this from. Who's to say I'm so smart?

I'm clearly having a problem with this. And you're accusing me of not applying myself. I coasted. Can't do this. I coasted through elementary school. Everyone's like. Who didn't? And everyone's like, you're incredibly smart.

And then come seventh grade where they're like, now you have to do homework. I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't like doing this. I've been able to cope. You didn't get homework until you were in seventh grade? Maybe sixth or seventh. I mean, you got some stuff to do.

We definitely had a lot of homework growing up. I have homework every grade from what I remember. No. Kindergarten, they made me take naps on the weekends. You get some work sheets. So did those Z's come out of your eyeballs this weekend, Paul? So there was some project that we had to do at some point. It was an individual project.

It was not like all of us doing the same thing. And I was, for some reason, I had to write this paper. I had to write a paper on something. We all had to write a paper on something. Oh yeah, I had to write papers. For some reason, I chose, no, this was in high school. This was IPS. Oh, okay.

And I chose computer languages. I can't remember what the parameters were, but I was like, I don't know. I like video games, so maybe this. I don't remember what the what the parameters were, but I was like, I don't know. I like video games. So maybe this I don't know. Yeah. And I just remember like writing this thing as best I could, trying to make it into something about like Cobalt or. Yeah, yeah. Cobalt and DOS and all this shit.

Oh, my God. And I did not do well. And I remember the the like dust boot. Why? You can't have both. It's either dos-nuts or dos-boots. You cannot have both. You either get dos-boot or dos-nuts. But I remember the teacher being Mr. Hilfordy, and he was being...

He was acting... He wasn't acting Mr. Hilford-ish. He was all Mr. Hilfordy. You're being Mr. Hilfordy right now. Mr. Hilford, you. He was all Mr. Hilfordy. You're being Mr. Hilfordy right now. Mr. Hilford, you gotta stop this. His name was Mr. Hilfordy. And he was acting like I was trying to pull one over on him.

Dude, I'm trying the best I can. Yes, I didn't have the language to say, come on, man. You should have done computer language. I can't do this. Oh yeah, no, no, no. Also, sometimes I just hated the teacher and I was like, I'm not doing this for you. So then I got moved down to track two for biology.

That's hurtful. I did great. No, it wasn't hurtful. It was, I was like, thank you. It was like a thank you. Thank you. And then the final, so then I did well in that. And then they moved me back up to track one for chemistry.

And I was like, no, this is like the other one, but more. I'm not going to do better at this than I did at the one that had introductory in the name. So then did they move you down again or? No, I went to, I had to go to summer school for chemistry and then I didn't have to do science in my final year. I feel like I'm having the craziest mind melt right now

because I thought your shirt said Metallica this whole time. And I just saw it and it looked like it changed. Yeah, right in front of you. Like I honestly was like. No, it's one of those shirts where if I turn to the side, it changed. But that's what I feel like.

It feels like. It's a lenticular. I almost wanted to like throw up. Like it felt so confusing to me. Do it. You were so confused you wanted to throw up. Because I was so certain that's what it said and then I went, it doesn't say that. I feel like I had looked at it and read it multiple times.

Right. Well, it's in the Metallica font. Yeah, but it was really weird. So your brain. And what does it fucking say? REM. Okay. HQ. It's the REM's fan club.

I don't know, but that really made me feel weird. Yeah, you wanted to throw up? You were so dumb. Yeah. Put your head between your knees, dear. Put your head between your knees. And eat out your own ass! Okay.

Well. Science. I took biology in own ass. Okay. Oh. Well. Science, I took biology in ninth grade. The best guy. Where we had to dissect that frog and that worm. No, no, no, I did the frog. That old frog. You had to dissect that frog and that worm.

I still think about that little pig I dissected. It's gross. I could picture it like it was yesterday. I really can picture the pad that was on within the tin structure. It was like in a tin baking pan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're pinning, you're kind of slicing it open.

And then you're pinning it into that sort of jello material. Yeah. And then. Jello. And then, yeah, and then pudding and then gets the pudding pops. I just remember the smell. Yeah, it was very nasty.

Yeah. Well, my whole thing is like, you know how when you- Now, hold on a second. Yeah. This is your whole thing? This is my entire thing. This sums you up. Yes.

Okay. I stand by this. Okay. All right. And you know what you're gonna say? Yeah, I do. Okay. And people are gonna say, Scott Ackerman?

Oh, he's, this is what he is. When I think about the Scott, this is what I think. Okay. You know how when a person is convicted of murder and they're in jail for 20, 30 years. Yeah. They're exonerated. Yeah.

They get out and then they sue the state for putting them in prison erroneously. Yeah. You're losing me. And they're awarded several tens of millions of dollars. I don't know about this. What do you mean? This happens a lot. Happens a lot, dollars. For their troubles. I don't know about this. What do you mean? This happens a lot?

Happens a lot, yeah. Because they were... They're exonerated. Because the state's supposed to be saying, yeah. Yes, erroneously. So... Well, they should get tens of millions of dollars. Yes, they should.

That's what I'm saying. And this ties into my thing. At least gift cards. This ties into my thing. So you know, you know how... You fucking... I've talked about this, I believe, before thousands of Apple,

we have given you gift cards to every store in town. I mean, that should do it, right? Just Apple music. You can go anywhere you want. So can't pay rent. My junior high science teacher who made me cut open, cut open a worm or something and I didn't get a good grade, ended up- You cut it in half?

Having an affair with one of the junior high students. A student? Yes. And then- That's really disgusting. She graduated and went into high school, so he applied at the high school and followed her there and continued having an affair.

It was a little girl? Yes. I'm disgusted. And he was convicted and all that. Oh. Shouldn't I be able to sue the junior high for making me take a class with him for tens of millions of dollars?

Yeah. I mean, that is absolutely sick. And you know what? You know what's insane? There are so many stories like this. There are so many stories. Like everyone knows of somebody. Doing the same action while everyone knows of somebody. You know what I mean? Like it's just it's insane. I think that is just so insane. Oh yeah it's terrible.

There was an English teacher in my school who had an affair with one of the students, one of my classmates, and they ran off together. How far did they go? A mile? Yeah before they were gunned down. That's scandalous as hell. You all must have been losing your shit. Oh, it was wild. We had a few scandals in my school. I told you, of course, about the teacher that was in the school play with us. Oh, yes, I loved this. Who kissed all the students. That's really sick. It tastes of a cherry chopstick. But yeah, he was cast as, he was cast as Emile Debeck in our production of South Pacific. Oh, Emile Debeck. And there was a kissing scene.

He was cast by himself. No, it was, it was not his decision. Wait, it was by election? No, it was the people, he was not in the drama department. Oh, it was the, oh, I thought he was, he was the instructor of the drama. No, that's even crazier. Exactly. So glad we told the story again so that, so that I could learn that wrinkle. I thought he was, he was the instructor of the drama. No! That's even crazier! Exactly!

So glad we told the story again so that, so that I could learn that wrinkle. So he was so good at drama as what, what kind of teacher was he? No, I do not understand. Was it just his look? I guess his look? Because he had sort of a European flair about him

or something, I guess. Emil Dubinck. He had a mustache. That's it. So he was not even within the drama department. Whoa. Yeah. It was so weird.

That's sick. It was weird at the time. I had always assumed this was your teacher who was directing the play was like, look, none of you assholes can pull this off. No, that's what made it even more insulting was like, wow, hey, how come we can't do it? Yeah.

That's so nuts. And then I ended up being double cast as Luther Billis with a junior. Wait, so the other one was a teacher and a student and they ran off together? No, that was a separate teacher. This teacher who was cast in the play also made out with a student,

did not have an affair, but obviously did this more than once. And then the person who ran off with the students, they stayed together? I don't know. I don't know what happened to them. But that English teacher, he gave me a bad grade on my paper about black like me because he said, you didn't prove to me that you read the book. What was what? I wonder what you wrote. Black like me. I just copied the back of the book. Anyway, so this had you packed. So this white guy included like I put penguin books in there. I probably shouldn't have done that

You don't know what black like me is no I do you do you don't I guess I don't really because I never read it This was an experiment in the I want to say it was the 60s where a white man had his skin Darkened is this like Eddie Murphy kind of thing exactly. It was the what the Eddie Murphy? the sixties where a white man had his skin darkened. Is this like the Eddie Murphy kind of thing? Exactly. It was the, what the Eddie Murphy sketch was based on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so he went out in the world and then saw what it was

like to be treated like a black man. Right. And pretty good? It was great. He loved it. But you didn't read it. Everyone assumed I had a big penis. He had a great time. Wasn't there a movie like that?

He concludes with, so I don't know what all the fuss is about. But it was like a comedy from the 80s. Soulman. There's a movie called Watermelon Man. Was there one where like the guy goes to college? There's a lot of variations of this. I'm saying Soulman. I'm not sure if that's the one.

Scott? Scott? Scott? Scott? All you have to do is trust me. I don't want to on this count. He's right. It was It did star see Thomas Howe and Ray Dong-Tong. Okay, okay Then there was Joanna man, of course, but that was not that was changing race No, that was just a classic drag man forced into doing drag because he has no other choice. This guy playing the WNBA. And that was one of the movies that I was asked to rewrite.

I think so. Rewrite? You were asked to rewrite it? It was sent to me as an, as- By an eccentric millionaire? And then you were like, it's perfect, I can't do anything to this. No, it was one of the ones where I'm like, this sucks,

this will never get made. It happened to me a lot where a movie that I thought sucked then came out. But to be fair, they all sucked. But Juana Man did not. Did they redo it? Did it? No, it was just no, it was just one.

Oh, just at the time. Yeah. They said, please, we have such a great idea. We just need the script to be good. Well, yeah. In my career, that would happen a lot where it's like, hey, here's a job opening to rewrite Juana Mann. Yeah.

And then I read it and I was like, this will never get made. Why would I waste my time on this? Was the name supposed to be a play on something? I've talked, I feel like I've talked about this because it's like- Well, it's like, do you want a man? Do you want a man?

But is that a saying that we all use? No, and he's playing a woman. Yes, named Juana. But I think the idea is like, do you want a man? Do you want a man? No, it doesn't make any sense. You can say it as much as you want.

It's never going to make it a phrase that we all use. Hey, we're looking for someone to play in the WNBA. Do you want a man? Yeah. But that's the only way that those plays on words work is if it's like a common expression. Right, you have to just- Like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Exactly. It's either a word- We don't doubtfire. Exactly. We don't doubt fire. No. Men don't doubt fire. We create fire. We create fire. Women doubt fire. I always do.

And are you missing this doubt fire? My mind, when I discovered that was based on a book, my mind was blown apart. Yes. The Bible. That was my mind blowing up. The book of Doubtfire. Is that real? It's based on a novel. Chapter two, verse three. It's based on a young adult novel. Whoa. Book of Doubtfire. Is that real? It's based on a novel.

Chapter two? Yeah, it's based on a young adult novel. Whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That actually makes a lot of sense, I would say. In a book form, it would be like, yeah. But I would say it does make sense as a young adult novel, but also it makes sense that

it was written before because, you know, it's like such a great original idea. And it's like, no, it wasn't. Such a great original idea. But it was a great movie. I know you hate Shakespeare, but but I've never seen it. I've never seen it. It's based on Shakespeare. Yeah. No, just him. Oh, just the idea. No, this was in Shakespeare's life. He had to do this. Did you see Shakespeare? He never wrote about it. Yeah, he never wrote about it. It's like, dude,

write what you know. this is such a great story And then when thy breasts catch on fire everyone's going to try to hardly that pie interface the Queen will laugh Or Rebellious jewelry is a great name. I am turtle hardly Hardly with the weather. I'm turtle hardly here. It's gonna be for the role of burger Stop bothering me the sun's gonna be the sky until the clouds come by, then the rain comes down, baby. When the rain comes down, everybody gets wet. Ready.

Love it. Boy, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Here's what Janey and I were saying for days after watching an episode of The Offer, which was like just making up a thing that would be in the kids' days in the picture. Was it a good idea? Absolutely not. Did I do it anyway? You bet your ass I did.

Thank you for that. Ready. All right, Hillary gave that a sincere psh. A sincere psh. We have to take a break. We'll be right back. Okay. I'm Hasan Minhaj and I have been lying to you.

I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask. People like Senator Elizabeth Warren. Is America too dumb for democracy? Outrageous. Parenting expert Dr. Becky. How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?

That's a good question. Listen to Hussam Inhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts. ["Fuck It, We'll Do It Live"] Fuck it, we'll do it live. That's right, we're back. That's right. It's still freedom like it was before.

No, you were not Bill O''riley don't adjust your podcast Don't get scared about fuck it. We'll do it live Yeah, here I am here I am you know I'm talking man Kind of okay. Let's hear a couple of voicemails because we haven't heard him in a couple weeks, but we want to see it look I don't have a lot of high expectations for this. I know you hate this. Probably. But look, if you have, if you have a call to make, call us at haha la in poo. And we don't want jokes and we don't necessarily want to give you advice, but if you want to ask us a question, we'll maybe answer it.

I don't mind giving advice if it's questions. I like giving advice. Giving advice is okay. My favorite thing is unsolicited advice. So this takes the shine off of that a little bit. But just call with your phone number. I'll call you and give you unsolicited advice. Don't say your phone number in the air. But also, yeah, if you have advice, if you have a question for us, if you have like a version of any of our jingles, like a produced version of any of our jingles, like a produced version of any of our sung jingles that you'd like to do.

If you want to share how we've positively affected your life. Yeah. Or negatively. No. Kevin, you have- Ow. Kevin. Meow. What'd it do?

Kevin, you have a- I slammed my hand on my cord. Slam hand? I did a slam hand. Oh no. All right, let's hear the first one. M-m-moan-oink. Hi guys slam it. Oh no. All right. Let's hear it. Let's hear the first one. Hi guys. It's Brian. Long time caller. First time listener.

So we all know that MTV's the challenge is the greatest reality show of all time. But with that show aside, if you could create your dream reality show, what would it include? And what would it be about? Thanks. Okay, Brian, this is an okay kind of question. This is okay, it's something that we would ask of each other. It involves some creativity. The conversation starters are a good thing to call in with

because you know we always need them. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh, I'm gonna say this right now. We're tired of talking to each other. Not interested in who would win in a fight between anything and anything else. Yeah. Oh no, no, no.

Oh no, no, no, no. Other than me and you right now. Yeah, these shows I would create. I'm taking my shirt off. Um. Lauren's sleeping? No, I'm thinking. Oh my.

No, that's my show. Oh, that's your show. I'm thinking. How am I? No, that's my show. Oh, that's your show? I'm thinking, you know, I always kind of like celebrity daters. Yeah. And I always kind of like celebrities. Celebrity daters meaning like it follows celebrities who are dating?

Like a celebrity on a dating show. Like Attila Tequila. Wait, it follows but with celebrities dating? It follows, yes. So it's a celebrity who's following, who's the ghost. They have to keep fucking each other. Yeah. I think I'd be interested in a celebrity fear factor.

With Joe Rogan? No. As the contestant? Yeah, sure. And Dr. Fauji playing against him. Fauji. Fauji. Hey, Fauji.

Dr. Fauji. Remember when Lauryn Hill was in the Faujis? I like shows where people have to live together One time Where people have to live in a small space, you know, in an apartment or something together and just deal with each other. I like that. They don't have to be celebrities But if it was celebrities I would probably have Fear Factory where we'd watch like Reese Witherspoon has to eat a scorpion

So many people's fears involve eating a bug I know, it's like? Who wants to do it? Call the bug man of Cyprus. He's going to chomp into a scorpion. It's a five hour show. I bet he was spitting those bugs out right before we got there. Ew. Like, oh, I got to sell some of these?

Blah. There you are, my pretty. Don't embarrass me in front of the kids. What about you guys? Do you have one? You watch more reality shows. I tend to like ones that have some sort of competitive things. So in the competitive category, a little more than just following people around

with fake storylines. Okay, insulted. Other than The Bachelor is a fake, but that's kind of competitive right there. So I think an actual, a season of The Bachelor with celebrities would be fascinating. Where it's real celebrities

and they're literally looking for love or they're like, hey look. This is where we get into it. Like when we're envisioning these things, when you're saying celebrity, you mean like real celebrities. Not like whoever they can get. No, not other bachelor contestants

or celebrities from reality TV. I'm saying like, hey, George Clooney is looking for love. He was the first person I thought of to. Oh, that'd be fantastic. I mean, I also think I would like to see Bachelor with older people who've already maybe been married or they're just not ready to actually be married. I think that there would be an interesting Bachelor season

with like people who aren't football players or cheerleaders. I would love to see a doctor who's 45 and got dad bod and a small penis. And he's an asshole. And he beats his wife. Soon to be. I want to see this. I want to see just an out and out lunatic murderer on a dating show. I've always been curious how murderers talk. No I do think that to watch a show as produced as well and with high enough stakes of just regular people who don't have to work out eight hours a day would be interesting. Yeah I agree. Because it leads to boring conversations.

Yeah, because they don't have any interest besides waiting. Besides working out. Waiting. Way, protein way. Wayfair. Whatever the fuck they drink. Wayfair, you got just what I need. Did we answer that successfully?

Well, you two did. Scott hasn't. Oh. I mean, Paul. Sorry, Paul. Maybe I get a turn. I was staring at Paul and said, Scott hasn't. Go., Paul. Sorry, Paul. Maybe I get a turn? I was staring at Paul and said, Scott hasn't. Go! Go!

You're being erased. You're like, your show would be, if I could make up a show that you would wanna watch. Okay. It's babies riding dogs that are dressed up like men. I mean, yeah. But that's almost like one of those YouTube channels of, it has to be like, environmental.

What's the baby dressed up like? Cowboys. Oh, wow. Cowboys riding men. Ideally, to me, it would be like a fat baby in just like the diaper, but with a cowboy hat and boots. Yeah. And the dog is dressed like a horse costume.

Is it like an elegant gentleman? No, the dog gives you a horse costume. That's good. And then they're strapped in. And what do they do though? What's the narrative? I mean, there is a one. It can be as simple as old enough or whatever. Yeah, they run errands around the house. I don't want to. That's too much plot for you. I think it's a race, but obviously it's just a meandering thing they have to get from one point to another.

And there's no prize. They're just like, this is a race. Eventually one of them crosses the finish line. Or doesn't. But it's like where they go, you follow them wherever they go. Yeah. But for real. I think it'd be interesting to follow a baby

if you were like, you know how parents always protect a baby from leaving the house. I hate it. And bury her, you know. Yeah. It's like, okay, put a baby in the parent's house, leave all doors open, and then does the baby stay? That's actually a great setup.

Does the baby leave? You know how babies are always trying to protect their children? Yeah, but you know what I mean? Like, what would happen if... He said babies. Babies protecting children. What would happen if you left all your doors open? Would a baby choose to stay there or would a baby just take off?

Should I stay or should I go? Dangy, dangy, dangy, I don't think there's enough horror competitions of like people trying to scare people. Live in a scary house. I would love to see like a stranger kid. Stranger kids disease. I actually had a similar thought but I didn't mention it but I would think if you had to stay in a haunted house where then they have things that are intentionally scaring you. Like someone stepping out of everyone's home and saying, boo.

Yeah. Who can stay? I would like to see, spend a night in a haunted house challenge. I would also like to see if it's like a haunted house creation competition. Like, you know, the great- Like murdering people to make the house haunted.

Filling a house with ghosts. But like they have that Christmas light fight thing. Oh yeah. That's a good idea. That's a really good idea. Like to see the scariest house on the block. Somebody should make that. And it should be you.

And I should make money from it. You should go pitch it. Guys, this is copyrighted, so don't steal my idea. That is so true. Wow, that is a good idea. Who do steal my idea. That is so true. Wow. You will get sued. That is a good idea. Who do I partner up with? Let's figure this out. The Hollywood Hayride people?

Yeah. This is brought to you by the genius minds behind Hollywood Hayride. I don't have to go on Shark Tank, do I? It's HDTV. Yeah, you do. And the Hayride people. HPT?

HPV. HPV? TV? We all have it. IPS TV. No matter what your cable package is. International Piss Syndrome. International! Oh I got this piss syndrome from France. Boo! International how you say it? Piss Syndrome? It's the International Piss Syndrome. Alright let's hear one more. One more. One more. We'll see how it. That was a successful one. Hi Ryan. I'm calling for your advice so I recently bought an engagement ring

from my girlfriend. Oh fuck. So I don't know what to do. I'm starting to figure out exactly how I should ask. I would love to know your advice on maybe some do's and don'ts. I got some proposals. I do too. And also just your own experience, whether asking or being asked. Mine was more of a telling. How it went and if you can change your thinking about it or maybe you wouldn't, but yeah, we'd love your advice. Thanks so much guys. Aww. That's nice. Aww.

Aww. Well, she's going to know now that you've broadcasted your attention on the podcast. Everyone listens to the show. Yeah. I think the more sincere, the better. Like I'm not a huge fan of performative, uh, uh, marriage proposals. I would see a few at restaurants I worked at and with people applauding and I always felt it was obnoxious, but that, that, that's just me.

I think there are some people who might appreciate the doing it in front of like a bunch of people or family members, but for me, I think the way you ask, the more sincere, the better. Say what is on your mind. Couldn't disagree more, Jumbotron. Marry a Jumbotron is what you're saying. Throw a ring at a Jumbotron, you're married.

You're married to a Jumbotron, you're married. You're married to a Jumbotron. I agree that I think that a sort of trap that people fall into is they feel like they have to make it special when it's already an extremely special thing. You can do some things to make it special like going to a favorite restaurant or a nice location or whatever. Yes, exactly. But I think the actual act itself, be honest, be open, be sincere.

I agree. Be on guard. I think sometimes over planning can create a situation that is not comfortable for either person. Now that said, if you are the type of people that like that kind of thing, then have at it. You know what I mean? Some people do like that sort of stuff.

Like for instance, Mike dressed up like a chess piece. Yeah. Yeah, and then asked me to move him. And then each square would uncover a word. Yeah, it was over like a giant field. Some of those ones that are like scavenger hunts, you know what's coming from the first thing, and then it's 10 steps.

That seems like a lot of effort. But I remember he allowed you to choose the move. So you ended up spelling out, will me you marry? Yeah. And I was like, huh? Yeah. The flock. You know what? I won't speak about our proposal, but it was perfect. And it wasn't what you think. Right.

What do you think? What do you think I think? Wait, he never actually asked you to marry? You think I think you think. You're not even gonna say what you think I think? No, because it tells you what the opposite is. Okay. Oh, so it's the direct opposite.

Was it on Earth? No, it was on Mars, it was fucking out of this world. It was amazing. I once, and apologies if this person is still listening and listening to this, but I once had a, at a live Comedy Bang Bang show, someone got a message to me backstage saying, I want to ask, I want you to ask my girlfriend to marry me

for you and I refused to do it. I was like, you really should just do this more simply. I've had people who want me to do that in character. And it's like, you don't want that. No, make it. This is something that will be special to both of you. And the person has to be able to process what's happening. I think that's like.

I disagree with that. I think if it can be, if it's got too many things happening like that, like there's someone else asking as a character, you're going, wait, what? Or like if you do it, if you like surprise them too much with like a lot of people around, like they can be kind of disordered. I think the a lot of people around, and what if they marry the other person?

Right. The a lot of people around thing, to me sometimes it's like a hedging of a bed of like, well, you can't say no, cause there's all these people around. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Which is like people feel uncomfortable. And they can't. They can't, yeah. They can't say no, cause there's all these people. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Which is like people feel uncomfortable. And they can't.

They can't, yeah. They can't and they won't. And they don't and they shouldn't. Most people wouldn't. But if you know the person wants you to do this and is waiting for it and you know that it's good or whatever and you both love big spectacles, maybe it's okay.

Yeah. But I've just never been. Yeah, but I feel like if you're calling, asking how to do it, you probably know that it's not or whatever and you both love big spectacles, maybe it's okay, but I've just never been. Yeah, but I feel like if you're calling asking how to do it, you probably know that it's not gonna be a, you probably know that you're not gonna do a big crazy thing because you probably have an idea of what that should be given your history to you. Right, sometimes you don't necessarily even have to go to the original thing of like where you met

or anything special, but sometimes that's a nice thing of like, oh, look at where we are, I had no idea. Mine, I didn't really plan anything more than the location. That was all I had location location location. Yeah, and we were in real estate But that was it. I didn't I didn't know what I was going to say I I knew like the very first thing I was going to say right and that was yeah. Yeah, you know very similar to me And then I was just kind of I felt like I was just rambling. Yeah, it's such a nerve wrack Like once you actually start doing it, it's overwhelming with emotion. So you don't wanna feel like you have to say a script.

Just speak from the heart. I talked about this in my standup. Janie famously interrupted me during my proposal. Right, well I think maybe, I may have told this too, but Cool Up, we were at dinner, I was planning on doing it right after dinner, and at dinner she's like, are you ever fucking going to ask me to?

Like she started complaining about it going like, I mean, it's been 10 years. What is going on with you? Why aren't you, why aren't you? And I have this like ring in my pocket. And I was just like, I'm just not ready. I'm just not ready. The other one was making a peace sign.

Yeah, of course. And then when it actually happened, the first thing, she burst into tears and said, I'm an asshole. I'm sorry. Beautiful story. It was, it was very, my friend like went to surprise friend at her apartment because they were long distance. And then she opened the door and he like got out on the end.

She was like, yes. And he was like, didn't even get to say it like, is this possible? You won't even get to ask. That's true. That's true. But I think, I think if you're simple and you're just speaking- Stupid. Keep it simple, stupid.

Kiss. Kiss. Just kiss her. Keep it simple, shithead. Just kiss her and say, now we're married. Now we're married. Just kiss her instead of talking to you. You're my common law wife now.

Well, we hope that helped and if it didn't, fuck you. Yes. Well, preemptively fuck you. Well, look, we're running out of time. I don't think we have time for a three-chart because we took calls. What do you think? No, we don't have time. Oh, Sheva says no. We want to do it so bad.

But Sheva spanked us with a look. Now he's turning the lights off and on to make us be quiet. He's like, you don't have to leave, but you can't stay here. Well, that was Freedom, I guess. I think that was great. That was a good episode. I like those calls. I like those calls too.

That's the kind of call we like. See, that's how it can be, you guys. You guys, you can all be like that. If you guys just fucking... That's how beautiful it can be if you come to your senses. Oh my God. Well, please check us out, Freedom USA on Twitter and Instagram. I've never heard you say that before.

I know, I never wanted to. I don't even know what it is. FreedomUSA at gmail.com and of course, Ha Ha Light and Poop. And you can- Nothing's ever been easier. You can hear the archives of this show as well as ad free episodes on both Stitcher Premium

and at cbbworld.com. You can also go jump in a fucking lake. For all we care. I don't give a shit what you did. Or a loch if you're in Scotland. Cause we care about each other, not you. With the three of us care about the three of us, the end. Bye.

Bye. Hi, I'm Megan and I've got a new podcast I think you're going to love. It's called Confessions of a Female Founder, a show where I chat with female entrepreneurs and friends about the sleepless nights, the lessons learned, and the laser focus that got them to where they are today. And through it all, I'm building a business of my own and getting all sorts of practical advice along the way that I'm so excited to share with you.

Confessions of a Female Founder is out now. Hear new episodes each week, ad free, on Amazon Music. You can also ask Alexa, Alexa, play Confessions of a Female Founder with Megan on Amazon Music. And she will.