Threedom - Threevisiting: Vampire Of Jokes

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul & Lauren discuss soda, typing and digital doodles before playing Junk Chump. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, I'm Reshma Sajjani, founder of Girls Who Code. Look, I'd consider myself a pretty successful adult woman. I've written books, founded two successful nonprofits, and I'm raising two incredible kids. But here's the thing. I still wake up wondering, is this it? And if the best years are yet to come, when's that going to start? Join me on my so-called midlife, my new podcast with Lemonada Media, where we're building

a playbook for navigating midlife, one episode at a time. Each week, I'll chat with extraordinary guests who've transformed their midlife crisis into opportunities for growth and newfound purpose. At some point, we all ask ourselves, is there more to life? I'm here to discover how to thrive in my second act, right alongside you. My so-called midlife is out now,

wherever you get your podcasts. What do weddings, Instagram, and toxic relationships all have in common? They take your money and you can't get it back. 16 grand, somewhere in there. Gone. There's no legal solution for the fact that you married an asshole.

Welcome to The Dough. I'm X-Maya. We're diving into the stories surrounding the moolah baby. The good, the bad, and the unexpected. Yeah, we talking about it all. The good, the bad, and the unexpected. Yeah, we talking about it all. The dough is out now, wherever you get your podcast. Freedom!

Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Hi, welcome to Freedom. Hi, welcome to Freedom. Welcome to Freedom, the home of the three. Home of the three. Land of the three, home of the brave. Land of the three. It takes so much less time to say home of the Brave than it does Home of the Brave.

I think the last letter of every word should just be chopped off. Like how many words would that really affect? We know them all by now. Exactly. To and from, we've already proven them. Yes. But you know what I mean, like pick any word. Put it on the refrigerator.

Refrigerator. Grave. Graveyard. Refrigerator. Grave-ure. Grave-ure. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear.

Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear.

Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear.

Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. Grave-ear. slice of pea. I want a slice of Pizz. I actually think, I don't mean slice of P-E-E obviously, but like a slice of pea period to abbreviate pizza. I think that could be popular. Can I have a slice of P-dot? If I started a pizza restaurant I'd call it Pizz. Yeah, I bet you would. You've always struck me as that type. And I think if you started one you'd call it P-dot. Yeah, I know. But Paul, he'll never start one. I call it Paul's pizza. Oh, that's too long.

No one's ever going to go. Not pizza F. Tompkins. No, but we certainly. Pete's F. Tompkins. Do you feel like Paul F. Tompkins as a name gets more things like that

than any other name you've ever heard in your entire life? Like people will make it make sense somehow with Paul F. Tompkins. Well, Scott almost has it with his name, but it was a thing that he started. Well, that's true, but that's different, I think, than I feel like that's an inside joke, basically. This feels like people will be gravitating to do this.

You're like, people are laughing at you. Yeah, exactly. They will want to do this to your name. Do you feel that? Yeah, I see it every day. But you invite it. No, exactly. They will want to do this to your name. Do you feel that? Yeah. I see it every day. But you invite it. No, I don't.

It's like a vampire of jokes. No, I don't. I don't. I actually don't. It's a vampire of jokes. You're the vampire of jokes. Like, you're gonna stake through your heart. What song am I thinking of?

Oh, okay. Who knows? Oh, say can you see? That's it! No, like what? Okay. Vampire of Jokes, we think of it, so. Vampire of Jokes, so Vampire Weekend song. No, no, no, it's the lyrics.

Vampire of Jokes. It's from the 90s. Oh no! Is it Bare-Naked Ladies? No, it's a... Vampire of Jokes! Possibly smashing pumpkins, hold on, I'm thinking. Vampire of jokes! Yeah, vampire jokes.

You didn't like my Billy Corgan? No, I was trying to perfect it, and I think I got further away. Trying to perfect it. I was trying to build on. My sweetest friend, what is that from? My sweetest friend, What is that from? My sweetest friend. Everything I have goes away in the end.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You can have it all. My empire of dirt. Ninnies Nails hurt. There we go. Ninnies Nails hurt. Vampire of jokes. Vampire of jokes.

My vampire of jokes. Vampire of jokes. Vampire of jokes. You can have it. My Paul left Tompkins. You got to admit, though, it's better than Janie, like what happens to Janie with. Janie's got to. You mean what happens to me with you. People are doing that to her all the time.

No, they're not. They should. They have to have been. But why not? You know what? They did, when that song came out. 1987. time. No, they're not. They should. They're not? They have to have been. But why not? You know what? They did when that song came out. 1987. Yes.

They did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then stopped in 88? Some people did. How could they? How could they stop? That's insanity. Well, it's not like it's Pringles.

And her name is Janie, not Jane. Her middle name is Jane. And people, she goes by Janie. Whoa. It's a very Southern it's a very southern, it's a very southern thing. A lot of people in the South go by their middle names. Well, as we know, so do I,

but that's not really on purpose. That's crazy. I want to hear more about her. Was that her choice? Are you from the South side of Chicago? No. The baddest part of town. I want to know more about her name.

Was this her choice or what? I mean, undoubtedly she could have chosen to say, no, call me by my first name at a certain point. But was at a certain point, was she like, please call me Janie or had people been calling her Janie? No, she's just always been Janie, yeah. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's always been Janie.

So people in the South give people first names that they never expect them to use. In some Southern places, yes. And off Mike, will you tell me what her first name is? yeah I'll tell you off Mike. Wow. But you know and will you tell me her social security number? Yes I will. Okay. On my. And you memorized it. Do you don't memorize your spouse's social security number? I can barely remember mine. What? You guys are weird. This what I'm doing is normal. Do you know their do you know her phone number?

I do know her, I don't know her social security number. I do know her phone number. Yes, I was going backwards. It's probably one of the few phone numbers that I still know by now. Yeah, I think I know that phone. I used to know everyone's phone number. Me too.

Yeah, everybody. Ask me anyone in the world, I'd be like, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. If you had to like- People would be like, those are not numbers. I was recently on a phone in a scene where it takes anyone in the world, I'd be like, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. If you had to like- And people would be like, those are not numbers. I was recently on a phone in a scene where it takes place in the 80s and I was typing on- You did an 80s phone scene?

I was typing in my number and I did a number that is real. Do you do that when you type a fake number on your phone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I do jibber- If I have to type something, all jibberish. If I have to dial a number, all jibberish. Cause I don't want anyone like slowing down the frame and figuring out like,

a real phone number. I dread having to do any scenes where I have to type because I'm such a terrible typist, and people will know that I'm not typing. I once was doing- Because if I type the way I actually type, it would be like, what's wrong with this guy? Oh, that's people about how I write.

Do you think much like you're driving, you will eventually be a great typist? No. It's something you can improve. I could probably take a typing class again, but the first time I did it didn't work out. I loved typing class. I loved it. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

Did you say it's cool? At school. Oh, at school. And it's cool. It's cool, it's cool. Typing class? It's cool. Typing is fun.

That was a big campaign when I was a kid to make typing cool. Yeah. Nancy Reagan came out and was like, I love the type. She went to every class. She visited our class. God, when Nancy Reagan came to our class

and talked to us about typing. Oh my God. First of all, the Secret Service frisked all of us. We were kids. Yeah. And did anyone have anything? One of the kids had a gun. No.

Was it Janie? It was a zip gun. Yeah, we went to school together. We've known each other all our lives. That's where that song came from. Yes. Janey had a zip gun. Yeah.

I think she also got Jane Says by... And Jane's getting serious. Jane says she's done with Sergio. Jane's getting serious probably to a lesser extent. Yeah, no, Jane says it was more popular. I got nothing. There's probably to a lesser extent. Yeah, no, James says it was more popular. I got nothing. There's no songs about Scots. I once spent hours on Napster and Limewire

trying to find a song about a Lauren night. And I did find one. What song? A Lauren song? It was a sort of Euro techno song about a crush on someone named Lauren or something. I have to admit, I wrote that song. LOREN IS MY DANCE OR CRUSH.

I WANT TO Pound YOUR FACE IN A BUSH. Yes. Like Deadpool. Like Deadpool. Anyway, I found one song, but there's not a lot of Lauren's on the list. How did it go? Do you remember? There's probably some Lori's.

I can't remember how it went. What about Lolo? But Lori is not my name. I know, but't remember how it went. What about Lolo? But Lori is not my name. I know, but I'm saying it's close. And Lolo, there's no songs about Lolo. There's no song even close to Scott. What about Susan?

What about Susan? Aren't there any Susan songs? I'm sure there are. Black-eyed Susan. Black-eyed Susan. By Morrissey. Run Around Sue. Run Around Susan.

Black-eyed Susan. Run Around Susan. Hey, hey, humda wadda, hodda hey. by Morrissey. Run around Susan. Run around Susan. Like a Susan. Run around Susan. Hey, hey, humda wada hada hey. Little people let me tell you about run around Susan. Oh, you have sunk so far down in your chair. This is how you think it'll be on stage if we have comfortable chairs.

Yes. And it never is. When do we get to do a live three? It's when my legs crossed at least. Well, Paul can't Well, probably 2027. Paul can't even do his own shows. I know. Suddenly we're supposed to team up.

I don't know when people are hearing this, but I have a show coming up in March that I hope I can still keep. Yeah. Well, from what they say, look, I'm not going to say this on mic, right? Because I'll be proven wrong, but they did say it'll Crest by the middle of January.

I hope it'll Crest. But maybe by the time this is released, people would be like. Do you think crest put out that information? Yeah. To go viral? Yeah, just to go viral. They will do anything to go viral. Crest is a ruthless toothpaste company.

Guys, did you have, in Halloween, did you have the local dentist who would give you crest? In Halloween, we had. In hell. Like there was a dentist who lived on your street? On the next street over who basically like you would just go you would approach it and kids would be coming back going like don't bother because it would just be like a toothbrush and some crest. I love a free toothbrush and crest. I actually don't mind that because kids are I understand

the momentary disappointment kids are getting but I think it, I think it's okay to give them a little reminder. Fuck that. Within all that candy. I don't know, I think it's okay. And fuck you. You think it's okay to give them a reminder? Why don't you slip them a business card in there? Because it'll get lost, you know what I mean?

Like the kids aren't going to be, the kids will forget it instantly. It's such a big switch. Their initial outrage will not last. Yeah, so there's a moment of stop having fun, kids. Yeah, go all in or don't go, or don't do it at all. I think this is sort of like Memento Mori kind of thing, like, you know, like, you're going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like,

oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going will not last. Yeah, so there's a moment of, stop having fun, kids. Yeah. You go all in or don't go, or don't do it at all. I think this is sort of like Memento Mori kind of thing, like remember, you too shall get cavities. Never forget, your teeth will fall out.

Which, by the way, I've never gotten a single cavity, so fuck him. Really? And fuck you. But also, let me say this. Before your permanent teeth come in, who gives a shit? Yeah. Let kids rot their teeth out.

That's when people should be eating candy up the wazoo. They should be stuffing candy up their asses. You're right. Oh my God, I saw a thing on Instagram that was like, this should be in every school. And it was a diet, it was sort of like, they had a can of each type of drink and then a bag with the amount of sugar in each drink

underneath it. Oh really? So they had water, empty bag, and drink and then a bag with the amount of sugar in each drink underneath it. So they had water, empty bag. And then all the way up to Coca-Cola, which was like a big old pound bag of sugar. Not a pound, but you know, however much sugar it really is. And they just show it with Red Bull and all these different drinks and juice and whatnot. And you're supposed to think as a kid,

well, do I really want that? I drank Coke so much as a kid. That was basically all I drank. I don't recall drinking a lot of water. Coke was so much better before 1984 or whatever too. When I worked at In General, there was a time, there was a period where I was buying... That was the general store where everything was general themed, right? Yeah, like the general.

Everything was about what was going on internally in a general. What was going on internally in a general? What's going on internally in a general? I would, on my way to work, I got into this habit for a brief time, not brief enough, though, where I would buy a six pack of Coke and I would drink the entire six pack over the course of my shift. Yeah. Yeah. And it got to the point where six. Wow. I couldn't taste it anymore.

It was just cold, wet. That was all it was. I love my cold, wet. I remember... Don't talk to me before I've had my cold, wet. On Mr. Show, like going to the office, I remember we would stop at 7-Eleven and I would get like one of those packets of mini donuts

and like a giant coffee and just pouring creamer and sugar into it. Jesus. And didn't... I had no idea that was bad for me. You were a sick fuck. like a giant coffee and just pouring creamer and sugar into it. And didn't I had no idea that was bad for me. You were a sick fuck. I was a freak. Oh my God. A freak of nature right out of P.T. Barnum's freak shows. Yep. The greatest showman. Where is he? P.T. Barnum? He's still with us. In hell. What?

Yeah, he's still with us in hell. Yeah. P.T. Uggums? The people who go to hell are always with us. P.T. Uggums? P.T. Uggums. The people who go to hell are always with us. Who? P.T. Uggums. P.T. Uggums. The restaurant? P.T. Anderson Uggums. I love P.T. Uggums. They have all that shit hanging on the walls.

P.T. Uggums is where they're mean to you. Yeah, they have a unicycle. The staff insults you. It's great. Lauren, if you want... P.T. Uggums. I have all my birthdays there. Lauren, if you want to move that umbrella, why don't you? We'll cover for you while you do it.

Okay. I don't know where you could possibly move it to, but right now. All right, now your little spaghetti arms are going to even push it an inch. Yeah, you fucking thin freak. You little weakling. Lauren's pretending she has on high heels right now, and she's walking all sexy for us for some reason. Lauren's doing like a catwalk sort of strut.

She's like Tyra Banksy smizing right now for some reason. Tyra Banksy smizing. Tyra Banksy smizing. Tyra Banksy, is that anything? Yeah, do it like, okay, great. There you go. Roll it, roll it, roll it. Why don't you go roll it? Roll that brella over umbrella. Seems like if we were to go, by the way, we should be doing play by play and commentary for this.

Do you want me to do the play by play and you do the commentary? Lauren is trying to move this umbrella. She's finally found a place that she thinks it will work. Yeah, I remember when I used to move umbrellas, it's not like it is now. You know, in the old days, if you had to move the umbrella, you had to get permission, you had to wait. Of course you did. But now's she sat back down and figured out that it is not giving her any protection at all shadow I'm trying to figure out where it should go it actually should go further towards me yeah towards and the lost daughter when he put that umbrella oh my god such a good daughter when he put that umbrella. Oh my God, such a good scene.

When he put that umbrella. When he put that umbrella, I was like, oh no. Lauren seems to have found a place that she thinks might work. And has given her a modicum of protection. One thing that hasn't changed is that umbrellas, when you move them, you think it's not gonna work, but a lot of times it does.

Thanks so much. I'm giving the thumbs up sign to my friendly person over here. That ghost? Hey, my friend. Who's in the neighborhood? Can you see who? And Lauren's back and she's back on mic.

Who is the ghost in your neighborhood? Casper, in your neighborhood. Casper, in your neighborhood. Who is the ghost in your neighborhood? Casper, in your neighborhood. Casper. In your neighborhood, Casper. Who is the ghost in your neighborhood? Casper. In your neighborhood, Casper. In your neighborhood, Casper. That also works for mattresses. Or helix, or, or.

Wine burger. Or purple, or nectar. Casper Hauser. What about Lisa? Lisa Hauser? Don't know her. Anyway guys, oh my god, oh

My god look at that, but It is she's like one of those. Oh, you guys know she looks like one of those rap guys girlfriends But who understands those rap guys? I once went up at karaoke to do Baby Got Back, and this is before I really, like, maybe I'd heard it four times or whatever at a party. But it was a very- Four times at one party. It was a very well-known song.

Would you come over to my Sir Mix-A-Lot listening party? We're going to hear what the rap guy says. It was a very well-known, this is like 10 years after it came out, very well-known song. Sure. And I just thought well known, this is like 10 years after it came out, very well known song. Sure. And I just thought it would be funny to like mumble baby got back without knowing it all that well.

Why did you think that? I don't know. And people got so offended because they were like excited to hear baby got back. And then someone came up and grabbed the mic from me and then just did it correctly. Like from memory. Yeah. And I was like.

I would describe that as annoying. I was like, why? What I was doing or what he was doing? No, what he did. I guess I'd be annoyed by you, but then I'd be annoyed that that guy got off and I'd say, I'm just gonna fuck off. I hope COVID becomes a thing.

I'm broke. My point is, is like, if you're going out to a bar and want to hear the... If you want to hear the regular song, go to a bar that has a jukebox. Yeah. Hey, if you want to hear good songs... You can't complain during karaoke. It is what it is. You get what you get. Exactly.

Some people are bad, some people are good. Some people are nothing. Some people are bad, some people are good. Some people are bad, some people are good. John, whatever his name is. I already forgot. Josh Mankiewicz. Josh Mankiewicz. Josh Mankiewicz. Some people are bad, some people are good. Is that his name Josh Mankiewicz? Yeah. Who's the mank who wrote Citizen Kane? Joseph. Joseph L. Mankiewicz. Joseph L. Mankiewicz? Who's the man who wrote Citizen Kane? Joseph. Joseph L. Mankiewicz. Joseph L. Mankiewicz. Mank, they called him.

Yeah, and you know, they're related. Mank, they called him. Are they related? Yes. Yes. By what? By blood. The very blood in their bodies? They're related by what else could they be related by? By marriage. Not by marriage. No, they're related.

He's like his grandson or grand nephew or something like that. Yeah. Fucking dummy. They're related by being his grand nephew. So wow. So before he drank himself to death, which I'm assuming happened. Man. I didn't see the end.

Was Manc that really long one? I had food poison I think when Mike was watching that. It's black and white. Was that the one? It stars Gary Oldman. What if Manc watched Mike? Gary Oldman as a guy who won't shut up. Yeah, I think that Mike was watching that. It's black and white. Was that the one? It stars Gary Oldman. What if Mank watched Mike? Gary Oldman is a guy who won't shut up. Yeah, I think that was it. We were in Germany and I had food poisoning

and I was heaving into the toilet and he was, then I was recovering on the bed, but he was watching Mank, I think, for about 24 hours as far as I could tell. Mank, I think. Well, I mean, cause it was just like, you can watch a movie, I'm just over here barfing. What's he gonna do? Come in there and hold my hair watch a movie, I'm just over here barfing. What's he gonna do?

Come in there and hold my hair? He should have to watch a movie about barfing. Sisters are doing it for themselves. I know, I will hold my own hair. I don't need no man to hold my hair while I barf. I don't need no Manc. Ain't no Manc. I ain't afraid of no Manc.

I ain't afraid of no Manc. Mancbusters, this is a thing. Is someone drunk in your neighborhood? Who you gonna call? Mancbusters! This is a thing. If there's someone drunk in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Mancbusters! If you live in a hotel in the middle of nowhere, and your neighbor is Manc, who you gonna call? Mancbusters?

Wait, was Manc that movie by? Fincher! David Fincher. No, who did the one that came out a couple years ago? There's only one manc. With the director with the big glasses. Woody Allen? No.

The director with the big glasses? Stop. The black glasses. The black glasses. Roy Orbison? Shut up. Hey. Scorsese.

Hitch a mark, please. Oh, Scorsese. I guess, yeah. You would consider him to be the guy with the glasses You're not the guy with the big eyebrows, but the guy with the big glass What movie did he do a couple years ago? That was so big Irish man. He was watching when I was he like railed against superhero movies Then he does one. Yeah, that's what he was watching the Irish man. I Gotta see has the power to D Only the face

Only the face only only only only the age my face. I want to walk around like an old man He's a glasses guy. He does wear glasses Yeah, but but I don't think he's known for his I wouldn't say like if I were saying hey Let's go see a Scorsese film, and I couldn't remember his name. I would go the guy with the glasses I would say like the guy who did raging bull the guy was in Did he have glasses in shark tail god, that's a good question Do you mean did they draw his character with glasses? He was a mr. Mcgoo did his did big bushy eyebrows? He did Yeah, although they were scales

Big bushy scales because he was a fish. Yeah. What kind of fish was he? He was a puffer fish, as I recall. Nice. Did you watch all of the Friendly Boit stuff with him? No. I watched 0% of it. Oh, I loved it. I saw one minute of it.

But I guess I'm a real dummy. Mr. Magoo. Yeah, I liked it. Would you describe her as somebody who wears glasses? No. Why is that? Because she's a woman? Yeah, women don't need them. No, I feel like she doesn't wear them that often.

On camera? Maybe not. Right, and that's where I see her. When she's reading one of her famous cigarette poems, then yes. I don't even think a cartoonist would draw her with glasses. Okay, if you were a cartoonist, what would you draw? If I were her? No! Just in general. Not about friendly rules.

She's not a cartoonist! I'm saying if you were a cartoonist, what would you draw? I guess okay, I'd just say a picture of her drawn with glasses. So yeah, it goes to 50-50. She's glasses or no glasses every picture I see. Did you have... If I were a cartoonist, this is what I would draw. I would draw... I would love... Come on.

I had to release the air. I would this is what I would draw. I would draw, I would love, come on. I had to release the air. I would draw people, I would draw nature. Trees, would you draw trees? I would draw a house, maybe a food. Would you draw a fire hydrant? No, probably not. No, what if I paid you $30 right now? And I'm a good, oh, right now, yeah.

And just whatever level I'm capable of. But it would have to be up to my standards. I'll do it for 20. I'll do it for 30, and just a drop our level. I'm capable, but it would have to be optimized I'll do it for 20. I'll do it for 30 Give me a piece of paper for 20 Scott, but but if you didn't do it up to my standards. I wouldn't pay that's fine Can I have a piece of paper in a pen? I'll do it for 20 I'm gonna draw it in the draw part of the text messages, and I'll send it to you Okay, but again that fucking thing if I receive it No one ever uses that. Does anyone use it on purpose? It's only ever by accident. Yeah, you're like send a big swipe to somebody.

If I receive it and I say, thanks for this glowing line. If I receive it and I say this is not up to my standards you can't argue You just have to accept it. I accept that. But if it's up to my standards I'll give you $30. Digital Touch is what it's called. Okay. Um. You gotta bet my digital touch, yeah. When you were a kid. Bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada When you were a kid. Bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada I will, and I will, I'm not telling you what my standards are, but I will give it a very fair shake. When you were kids, did you doodle? Did you draw a lot? I did, yeah.

I loved to draw when I was little. Did you have characters that you would draw over and over again? I had a character I created. I did too. We talked about this. Oh no, I talked about it on a different podcast. This fucking looks like Zorro.

With fire hydrants? Yes. I'm gonna need to see that. I said it to you. It's easy to do. Okay, good. This is not up to see that. This is, it's you. Oh, you said it to both? Okay, good. This is not up to my standards. Okay, I'll try again.

First, I'll pick the right color. I had a character named Irving that I created. He had big eyeballs like Garfield. The eyeballs were definitely influenced by Garfield. But, the way, I could draw them right now, by the way. I sent another one. You sent another one? That looks like a cairn, like a rock cairn.

Okay, there's three, four circles. Yes, it's just four circles on top of each other. I'm sorry. How do you do that? Because I'll draw Irving for you. How do you do the draw thing in this? We're all on our phones right now recording a podcast how do you draw on a on the text someone talk to me no look under the little apps

under the the window the dialog window that's by the way Paul yours is good but looks more like a knight a knight's's helmet. Oh, fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Where is it? You have to do... Scroll through the little apps there, yes. Digital touch, here we go. I'm gonna draw Irving, okay. So he has eyes like Garfield,

but then he didn't have... Eyes like what? His eyes were on the top of his face was the little thing that I did with him. What is this tombstone Paul just sent? Oh, this one's scary. It was a fire. He was always wearing a polo shirt because I wore polo shirts when I created him.

And this is Irving, guys, and I'm sending him to you right now. I would draw comic strips that had the basically like the, the punch, like, my punch lines punch lines were I think as good as- Yeah, it looks like you. They were as good as like, you know, Sunday cartoons or whatever. My punch lines are, my punch lines aren't great.

They're as good as George Carlin. I was just like- They're as good as George Carlin. Observational kind of stuff. Here, I'll show you the dog I always would draw. Okay, show me the dog. I wanna make it big. Okay, there we go.

And listeners, we wanna know, what would you draw when you were a kid? Now, I'll tell you what- Okay, everyone's drawn something in their life. Here's what I drew. Fire hydrants are hard, we figured out. I'm gonna try to do it for you. These were characters, they were like little aliens

called Snork, Snords? Snords, you named them Snords or these are ones that you- I named them Snords, and then years later, the Snorks? Snords, you name them snords or these are ones that you- And then years later, the Snorks became a thing. Yeah, Snorks. The Snorks were a thing. Okay, so now Lauren has sent, this is a, what'd you say, it's a dog?

You'll see, it's very clearly a dog. That's cute. Little, is the little poochy with big jowls, four legs. Little poochy with big jowls. I legs. A little poochy with big jowls. I think this is a good podcast, like Digital Touch Art. You did very well with, both of you guys did with Digital Touch. Mine were, they were almost like Mike from- Yeah, they're like Mike Wazowski.

I actually think Monster's in, stole that from you. Two eyes that were on springy stalks. Boingy springy things. Boingy springy stalks. And what did you want to do with this? I just would draw little cartoons with them and they would have adventures and stuff. They had adventures and stuff? Did you give them away?

Did I give the cartoons away? Or did you hoard them all? I hoarded all of them. My mom probably saved them. I might have some drawings of them in a box somewhere. In her coffin? Yeah, she took them to her grave. She saved them in her coffin? I've dug up her grave many times, it's not a big deal.

Because you're always forgetting stuff. Yeah. Oh shit, what did I leave in her coffin? She had an oversized coffin so she could take all her junk with her. Like taft. Like taft! She had a regular taft coffin. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to be cremated, of course. Of course. And by the way, you've not told Janie about that. That's our responsibility to make sure that happens. You have to tell her. She thinks I'm going to live forever. Janie's got a different name.

Um, what is there anything else that you want? You want to be cremated? I want to be cremated too. Is there anything else that you want? Anything else you want that I can get for you? You know when I thought about the concept of a last meal? Because I heard a reference in something, a person who was being executed was given a last meal and what their last meal was. And it's like...

Didn't we talk about last meals on this show? Yeah, I think so. But we talked about what we would eat. But to me, it's like... Where would you eat? It's such a depressing... Whenever I think about it now, I think, what would I eat from the last meal? It makes me so sad. Yeah, it's like- Because nothing's good enough.

Do you not wanna know what your last meal is? That should be on people's death certificate, what their last meal was. No, but- Yes. But what do you mean you don't wanna know? I mean, like you- Like, do you not wanna know, like, suddenly- Like, do you not wanna walk out of a restaurant

and somebody say, that's the last meal you're ever gonna eat? Yes, I don't wanna know. Or if I say, like, your last meal is steak, and then you're like, great, I'm going to have a steak and then that's any steak I ever eat. I think this is the time. If you made a deal with God, much like Kate Bush did, if I only could. And you said, OK, my last meal. And God just came down and said, hey, what would you like your last meal to be? He comes all the way down.

Yeah, it's not like a voice I hear in my head. He actually shows up. He makes a face. And he starts with, hey. Yeah, he's like, hey. Do you want to know what your last meal's going to be? No, no, not do you want to know. Hey, don't freak out, don't freak out.

It's just me. This is like a real monkey's paw situation. It says like- Well, I don't want to eat a monkey's paw. It says, hey. Yuck. What would you like your last meal to be? It's all grisly.

And then you say whatever it was that we had decided what they were, like steak or whatever. And then, and then God says, the next time you eat it, it will be your last meal. Then would you stay away from it for the rest of time? Yeah, I probably would. Yeah. But it's something you love. Yeah. But if it's, if it's going to be the last thing I ever eat, meaning I will sure I'm somehow I must die after that. Or maybe I'll just be in a situation where I can't eat food anymore, but I get I get fed through a tube. Yeah. And that still sucks.

So you but you would know that I ate that cake. I ate one side once I ate the cake, that cake. What did I eat that cake? But once what if God what if you finally are ready to accept your fate and you eat what if God was one of us, first of all? Okay, that'd be crazy. Just a slob like one of us? Yeah, a stranger on the bus.

So you finally eat the meal, it's like 80 years later. You finally- I'm an old man, I'm like, I'm ready to die. You're like, I'm ready to die, the pain is too much. So wait, 80 years from now. You're 130. Wow. We've uploaded your brain patterns into a computer,

but it's such an old computer at that point that it's like rusty and... Wait, so I, but I'm still alive? Yeah, but your consciousness is. You're in a computer, but it's like being in one of those candy colored IMAX from the 2000s. Clowns, they call it Sandman?

Yes. But I mean, I can't eat if my consciousness is in a computer. Candy coated rain jobs. They've figured out a way to digitize meals. Candy coated rain job? They figured out a way to digitize meals so you finally say, I want out of this computer and you eat the digital meal. And then God comes down and says, When you eat the digital meal it goes like this,

Beep boop bop boop beep. Oh no, I ate bits and bytes. All those ones and zeros. God comes down and says, Now you never need to eat again. I wasn't going to kill you, you just never need to eat again. You could have eaten that at any point in your life. I would say, F**K YOU!

I like eating. Yeah. And also, why wouldn't you tell me that? That's the point though, that's the parable. That's the point. And also, why wouldn't you tell me that? That's the point though. That's the parable. That is? Okay, so God comes down, gives me very little information, but gives me misleading information for sure. Yes. It's like a trick.

And the parable is what? So what should I have done? Trust God. Above all else. So God was just saying, if you eat this, you never need to eat again. That's what he was going to say if you had taken him up on his offer. What do you mean, his offer? His offer for you to eat this thing. I thought he was just telling me that.

Well, that's your problem. You didn't trust God enough. You guys are not communicating with him well. That's the point. Oh, wait, he's not communicating with me well. That's the point. Oh wait, he's not going to be okay with me well. That's impossible. Do you think this parable- Because he's God? Yeah. Very convenient.

Do you think this parable will be taught in seminary? Yeah, for sure. We're going to popularize it here. I think this parable will be taught in seminary. As Jesus tells us in 3 Domesians, 4.52. All right, we have to take a break. Okay. Alright, we have to take a break. Okay.

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did you draw cartoons with dialogue and stuff or no? You just did? I actually did take cartooning class in my high school. What? What was this hippie dippy high school? That's Evanston Township High School. We had a cartooning class as a possibility for art and when you could choose your elective and I took it and I really liked it.

My teacher's name was Miss Z. I don't remember what her real full name was. And I did do a bunch of comic strips. Probably zebra. Miss Zee, Miss Demeter Elliott? Yeah. I did a handful of comics and then I still enjoy doing that from time to time. The last time I did that was probably over six years ago,

but I did draw a comic strip. You know, Neal Campbell drew a weekly comic strip, I think, every week when I first got to know him. I mean, I'm not a good artist really, but I can draw a couple little things and then that'll, I always use the same sort of thing. Where did he do this? He put him up online.

He was called my naked dad. And it was all about like a- Oh, that was like his email for a while. Yeah, yeah. It was about a family who had a dad who was naked. Neil, come on. Come on, Neil. That's dirty.

That's dip a skoo. Marmaduke doesn't do that. Marmaduke could do some crazy stuff. That dog is huge. He's huge. Was he huger than a normal dog or was, were they trying to intimate that he was as big as a person? Remember when I saw that big Clifford shit

and you thought it was gross? Yeah. I was like- Remember when I saw that big Clifford shit and you thought it was gross? Yeah. I was like- Remember how I didn't comment on it? Remember how I brought it up now? No, was Marmaduke- He was a Great Dane. But was he, were they trying to say he was at like,

you know, 11 to 10 scale or something? Or he was just purely regular- When I was growing up, my neighbors had two Great Danes. And that was a very exciting thing when you're shorter than a Great Dane. It's very thrilling. I love Great Danes. So exciting.

Yeah, it's kind of crazy. It's so sad because they have such short lifespans. How short do they live? I think they live a little shorter than most dogs. Three days. Well, that's pretty short. They get really huge. Would you go back to back with the Great Dane every day, wondering if you're taller?

Yeah, every day I would do that. Stand on your hind legs. Let me go back to back with you. Laura's is fully on her phone. I know. Great Dane life span. Oh, it's pertinent. This is part of our infotainment.

Great Dane life span. Take a wild guess how long they live. Okay, okay. Is it prices right rules? Yeah, closest without going over. Great, one. Two. Horrible rules, try again, no prices right rules.

10. Closest in general, give it a span. 10. You know, it's a something to something, like this, roughly. One to 10. 200. What would it it's a something to something like this. Roughly one to 200. What would it say if you Googled it? You fucking idiot.

I would say that. Are you saying a span of like two years? They live eight to 10 years. OK, you would say. I'm going to go seven to nine. It's eight to 10. You win. Wow. Now, it's the incident of when you play by the rules because you can be spot on. Oh my God, what a jerk. I'm gonna go seven to nine. It's eight to ten you win Wow

When you play by the rules because you can be spot-on Hate our teacher what a priss She's so mean to us if she talks down to us we're grown men I am 53 years old. I'm up there. When you go on a trip and you see that it's going to rain, do you pack an umbrella or do you just say, fuck it, let's see what happens? I sure don't, but I should. I have, I have a travel umbrella. Jamie and I got these travel umbrellas that are like top of the line. When you say travel umbrella, what do you mean? It collapses?

It's like a little shorty dude, yeah. Davax. Davax, yeah. They're good umbrellas, but you gotta remember to bring them. Yeah. I often will bring mine and then not use it. And then I feel like, oh, that was wasted space.

But better to have and not need than need and not have. It's true. They should have luggage, which like a transformer folds into an umbrella. Right before your eyes? Yeah. What? You know how- So the luggage becomes-

An umbrella. An umbrella. So its natural state is the umbrella. It becomes bigger. No, its natural state is the luggage. And then it like folds. Where does all the rest of it go? What am I, a fucking scientist?

I'm the idea guy! Hey Scott, that's a really bad idea. I need to see a prototype. That's a really bad idea. Why is that a bad idea? You would never use it? First of all, Paul would love it because he's always forgetting his fucking umbrella. Admittedly I would love it, but I need to see a prototype. I would never use it. When do you want it? I mean as soon as I can, sooner rather than later. Well I brought one, oh shit, Oh, no If this is shark tank Why are you patting your pockets?

You know what? I'll go home and I'll Yeah, okay. We'll stay here I had a shark tank idea actually the other night Was it to create a shark tank? Do you want to hear what it was? Okay. The idea is for a calendar This is for people who are trying to do something every day. Like if you have a new goal that you want to do

every single day. Like eat food. If you want to eat food, you want to not drink, you want to not have a cigarette, you want to work out, you want to do something every single day. Right. Read a book. But you like a little reward, okay? Letter finish, guys.

And it's a calendar, and I wonder... Hey, Lauren, read a book. For all I fucking know, this exists. I haven't Googled it. It's a calendar that is made of bubble wrap, so then you can pop the day. So you get a little reward. So the reward is like, oh, thank God I did this thing.

I got to pop it. I got to pop my thing. And if you don't pop your thing, it'll, if you're insane like Lauren, it'll bug you. Yeah. Every day. Also, and how big is this calendar? it'll bug you. Yeah. Every day. Also, and how big is this calendar? It's huge. I'm picturing it.

Like the size of a wall. No, it's like the dots are like regular. But it would still be like kind of a. It'd be compact. It's padding. But here's the thing, the satisfaction. He means the thickness, not the width. It's got the thickness, yeah. Yeah, and she has a sickness to it.

I'm down with the thickness. Yeah. But to me, the satisfying thing about bubble wrap is popping multiples at the same time. That you don't get to. But popping just one is not satisfying. You can wait until we can do five more. Lauren, your idea's good.

Why do you have the calendar? I'm gonna improve on it. Every day, every square is like four inches by four inches. So every day is four inches by four inches. Guys, this exists. What? This is bananas. It's called the advent calendar.

I cannot believe the world is like this. I could buy it right now on Amazon. I cannot believe the world. That is a heavy statement. Just that every idea you have is already an idea. But you know what, you could, they can't copyright that. You could create it. I don't want to create it anymore. That's why I'm going to pitch Dragon's Den in the U.S. as a TV show. I have an idea for a calendar where every day is a winding road and each month is a of Shower Crow. Yeah, like a different picture or just the same picture?

Same picture. It's not every day is a different winding road. So it's like every day is like a... Yeah, like the kind of... The Wiley-Cody would run into a wall because he thinks it's a road. Oh, wait, so what about a calendar that instead of... Calendars are so boring because it's a grid.

So boring. And it's like this day, this day, this day, this day. What about like... I never go to New York City. Almost like Candyland where it's a grid. So boring. And it's like, this day, this day, this day, this day. What about like... I'll never go to New York City. Almost like Candyland where it's just like winding everywhere and it's like, then it makes you feel like your life is an adventure. Yes. You know what I mean?

Where am I? I'm stuck in my last swamp today. Yes. I loved the princess in that game and I creased that card in Candyland, the princess. So you would get it? Yeah. You little cheat. And I also creased Maria in Guess Who

because she was the pretty one. Dora Thea Allegra Lauren Lapkus. Reverse it. Lapkus Lauren. Put your thing down first, then flip it. Flip it down, flip it in reverse. So you would cheat at games when you were young. Just trying to get the good card.

It wasn't really cheating. Like in Guess Who, like you could be the same person every time, but you're only tricking though, So you would cheat at games when you were young. Just try to get the good card. It wasn't really cheating. Like in Guess Who? Like you could be the same person every time but you're only tricking though, you know, the other person still has to guess. So Guess Who is the game where Yeah, I don't know what Guess Who is.

It's a bunch of different faces and you have to guess. And you say, does your person have glasses? And they say no. Right, right, right. You flip down every person who has glasses. So you only have 10 left. So did people catch on that you were always the same person? People would be like, my brother, and he probably knew he did.

Are you the princess again, or whatever? Yeah, exactly. What is the game where you have to match the people? Tinder. What do you mean, match? You have to, yeah, it's like a memory game. So you see like a guy with a beard and glasses, and then you have to find him again somewhere else. Yeah. I don't know that game. So you see like a guy with a beard and glasses and then you have to find him again somewhere else.

Yeah. I don't know that game. I don't know its official name, but it's I'm absolutely astounded by this power out count. It looks humongous. Let me see how big this is. Well, that OK. So my my addition to it is each square is bigger so that you can pop 20 things. Yeah. Now this is a big calendar. I mean, do you like the idea, though? Oh, yeah, I love it. Now this is a big calendar. I mean, do you like the idea though? I love it!

Our son was so excited about his 2022 calendar and that he is going to pop the dates each day. So he doesn't have to achieve anything in order to do this. It's just purely a like, hey. This makes me so mad about kids. It says great idea for bubble poppers or those who rely on touch. Great idea for bubble poppers. Hey, bubble poppers. I'd say that means me for sure. So unique and fun. I mean it for bubble poppers. Hey, bubble poppers. I'd say that means me for sure.

So unique and fun. I mean, it's bubble popper. I had this idea. I could be getting these compliments. You had Gilded the Lily. You were gonna make it about achievements. You Gilded the Lily. It doesn't need that.

I see that now. It doesn't need it. I see that now. When you were a kid, would you get a calendar and was it the worst gift you would ever get? I loved getting a calendar. I kinda loved getting a calendar too. And I would always get a day by day calendar too

and I loved ripping it off every day. I would get the day by day, you know how long it would last? January 3rd. Oh, I loved to rip off the days. I did too. I got them in like high school and it would be like word of day or something like that.

Yeah, vocabulary. Trivia, whatever. I had a day. But sometimes I would let it go for a few months and then you rip off a big thick gummy chunk. Yeah. And that's fun too. Well, I mean, when we would go away to like our European home, of course, come back.

For three months. Yes. And then to rip off three months at a time is exciting. What about luggage that turns into a calendar? Perfect. If it turns into a bubble wrap calendar, I'm in. What about bubble wrap luggage? Bubble wrap luggage?

This is perfect. That's fun for people who work in the airport because they can throw it and it pops. What about bubble wrap, uh, luggage? Bubble wrap luggage, this is perfect! That's fun for people who work in the airport because they can throw it and it pops. Yeah. That would be so, they'd be like throwing the luggage and suddenly you go, pop pop pop pop pop. And finally you wouldn't mind if they throw your luggage. Yes.

Because it'd be protected. When you see that out the window, it's wild. It's pretty crazy. When you see them just tossing that shit in there like, ehhh. But if you had to do that job, that's what you would do too. Fuck yeah. You would want to like, ehh, ehh, ehh. But if you had to do that job, that's what you would do too. Fuck yeah. You would want to like carefully. 100%.

Yeah. 100%. Do you think they'll ever make it like a machine that just like lifts, lifts, lifts? Hopefully, hopefully every job will be eliminated at some point. Including this. They need to store wheelchairs more safely.

I've seen many stories of wheelchairs. Yes. Excuse me, I can't speak. They're ruining people's wheelchairs. Wheelchairs being damaged. And then the people are stuck because. They don't have a mode of transportation. It's fucking fucked up.

Bananas, that they would do that. Yeah. Why do they take care of them so poorly? I don't know. Like they know what they're doing. I'm sure they're under some pressure to get things done quickly. Isn't there like a way to strap it in

so it's not knocking around all over the place and stuff? It is probably like an Amazon thing where they're like under a quota or like a time thing or... It's awful. Yeah, I mean, it's not everything is like the terminal where everyone who works at an airport is jolly and wonderful to each other. I'm sure it's like.

If you had to live at an airport, which one would you pick? This is a good question. Here's the thing. Dulles? I would pick the Hawaii airport. John Wayne? You'd pick Hawaii so you could look out and see Hawaii? Yeah, plus it's very chill.

If you had to pick one. Oh, that little one that's like small. Yeah, yeah. You know that one. Yeah, it's like outdoorsy and nice, yeah. Like the Kauai airport. Yeah. I'd pick that one. Yeah.

I mean, if I had to live one in one. Maybe it would rain too much. In our immediate area, I guess I would have to choose LAX if I'm just living there's a lot of restaurants I would choose the Delta Terminal I gotta go what about JFK though like that giant part of JFK I do like that JFK has a Shake Shack. It has two Shake Shacks

Yeah, but you only in the Delta place you would get sick of that soon Fuck I wouldn't either every day Option all right you're right You would get sick of that soon. F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f- It would be difficult to eat healthy if you had to live in an airport, wouldn't it? Yeah, you'd have to have Jersey Mike's. But I mean, your life is shit, so why not live it up? You'd probably figure out a way to do it though. I'd be so drunk, I would be just like a fat, drunk mess. If you work at the airport and then you have to eat lunch at the airport, it's so expensive. That's unfair. That's why you brown bag it. I mean, I would imagine people get discounts.

I should hope so. Or bring their lunch from home. But that's not as fun. Or their wife comes and drops it off for them. Honey you forgot this! Why do you need all these plates? Or they work at the restaurant they just eat it out of the out of the troughs. Yeah. Off of people's plates. Wait wait wait. Now you may have it. 10% belongs to me. 10% belongs to me. All right, we need to take a break. Here's a chicken for the penis. 10% belongs to me.

Oh, we don't have time for this. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. It belongs to me. Oh. Struggling to make healthier choices or stick with your goals? You're not alone. We all know it's tough to create lasting changes in our lives, especially when it comes

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registered investment advisor view important disclosures at Acorns.com slash freedom. All right, welcome back. And guys, it's time for a three chair. Sunsets here in the West. Here's. As the sun sets here in the West. As the sun sets in the West. The game is called Junk Chump. Ooh, I like this. It's submitted by Mike Vierga.

You stare someone down, see if they're thinking of junk. Premise. Or a penis. Players one and two are sellers at a flea market at adjacent tables. Player three is a buyer browsing both tables at once. Great. Preparation. Player two texts three, what one's item is, and player one texts three, what two's item is.

Play, player three asks one and two alternating questions about their item. One and two guess what their item is after each question they are asked. Yep, got it. Winning, whoever guesses their item wins. Got it. Maybe after 10 incorrect guesses from each player,

three wins. Okay, so. Hey, I'm not gonna lie. Maybe after 10 incorrect guesses from each player, three wins. Okay, so. Hey, I'm not gonna lie, I spaced out for a bit. Dude, I don't know what I just said. So it's basically, Lauren is, Lauren's at a swap meet. A flea market. We both have competing tables right next to each other. I'm gonna texture what you're selling,

you're gonna texture what I'm selling, and then we have to guess what we're selling. Got it. Yes. You're gonna text her what you're selling, you're gonna text her what I'm selling, and then we have to guess what we're selling. Got it! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Okay, I'm waiting for it to come in. Mine's gonna be droll. I'm waiting.

I'm waiting right now. And I'm still waiting. And'm waiting right now. And I'm still waiting. And I've sent it. Still waiting. And Paul wasn't still waiting. Did we do that? Back in season one?

Yeah. Still waiting. Why am I not getting it? Hello? Hello, phones. Hello, phones. I'm talking into you there we go got three things at once hello saxophone I'm trying to make you make

sound I know what Paul is selling and I know what Scott is selling all right all right here we go oh whoa whoa the flea market hey baby come on over here okay okay I'll come over to your table. Please don't call me that. Sure. I'm gonna look at your table. I wasn't talking to you. Hey, Miss Jackson. Oh, this item is interesting. How long have you had this?

Oh, this is a bit of my family for many generations and I hate to part with it. Well, it seems like somebody already did. Yes, somebody in my family already did and now we are parting with it. Okay. To sell it to you. And how much is this going for? You're never gonna believe it. It's gonna be such a low price, you're gonna be like, boy, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, What can I help you with? Can I tell you a secret? Yeah. That's not his voice. He's doing a voice for you.

All right. That's not my voice. I find that some people find it charming. I like it better. OK. And what are you selling? You still like it even though you know he's just doing a voice. How much is this piece right here? Oh, my God.

It's three dollars. Well, that's heavy. It's only three dollars. The fact that it's three dollars is heavy? No, it's a heavy item. I'm lifting it here. Unlike mine. Thank you so much. Yours is incredibly light. It's only three dollars? What, the fact that it's three dollars is heavy? No, it's a heavy item I'm lifting in here. Unlike mine. Thank you so much.

Yours is incredibly light. It's incredibly light. Only a hundred dollars, but I could probably go down to fifty dollars. So you think I should charge more though? For that? Yeah, the material itself is probably worth way more. Okay, yeah, I'll charge four dollars. Okay, um, I'll buy it, but do you box that up?

Um, I can. Where do you think I should put that in my house? Um, I think you should, the trash can maybe? No, it's very special. Now this item you could probably put in your house anywhere. I think I could, but it might make people a little uncomfortable. Well, but also, you could put it anywhere you like. It's a little stinky for my taste.

Well, are you sure? Because a lot of people enjoy the smell. Well, first of all, you can't really tell what it is. This is not stinky though. No, it's not. Are you saying you can't tell what it is because it's so specific? Yeah. Okay, that's what I was afraid of.

I mean, I can't tell what it is because it's clear. Okay. Well, mine isn't clear. No, it's not. And mine is very special and belongs in a wonderful place in your house. It could be in a museum, I think. So you say a museum. It's like a Monet painting. Not quite.

It could be in a room with one. It could be in a room with one! I agree with you. Shut up. Is my item so clear that it's invisible? It is invisible, but the container is not. I don't think you can call something invisible if it's not visible. The container is. The container's visible. But is the container see-through? To you? The original product itself is not ever opaque.

Right, the container is not supposed to be invisible. Mine you can see though, so I think if you buy something you want to see it. Do you know what that is? You know what this is? Yeah, of course I do. You want to see it if you buy it, right? I want to be invisible. Mine you can see though, so I think if you buy something you want to see it, right? Do you know what that is? You know what this is? Yeah, of course I do. You want to see it if you buy it, right? I want to see it. So you can see this.

I can see that. And it can see me. Yeah. Are you saying there's no place in your home that you think people would appreciate seeing this? Uh, maybe the bathroom. Okay. Is it an invisible piece of shit?

Close. Is it just a piece of shit? No. It's a container. This is not a piece of shit? No. It's in a container. This is not a piece of shit, right? Am I pretty close? You're close. It's what?

You're close. It's in a container. It's shit in a box. Not shit. Pepe? No. It smells bad though. It does.

I'm just trying to do a little psychology on the person I'm telling it to. What else could it be? What do you mean what else could it be? Is it family? It's been in my family for a long time. And it's been passed down from generation to generation? Yes it has. And what is it?

It is something that you would like. It's not poo, it's not pee. So you're looking at it, you're asking me what it is? But I can't see it in there. You can't see it in the container? No. The container is see-through. Yes. But you can't see it in there. You can't see it in the container. No. The container is see-through. Yes.

But you can't see it in there? No. Is it a fart? Yes it is. Why don't you know? Now what do you have over here? Look, I'm not like this weirdo next to me selling his own farts in a jar. I never said they were mine.

You said they were passed down? Yes, that's right. Who farted? Oh, that's the answer to the question. But, um, this is alive, obviously. So red-faced laughing at himself. So happy. I'm happy at you.

I'm not taking this funny. I've been serious this whole time. What do you have here, sir? This is alive, right? Sweetie pie, dear, it's not alive. Look, honey. It would be in a room with a Monet. What could be in a room with a Monet? What could be in a room with a Monet?

What, would it really? Well, in theory. You can put anything in any room with any other thing. In a museum. What do you see in a museum besides paintings? Well, definitely a statue. Yeah. And this is a statue of an animal, right?

No. Or, I mean, when I say that, I mean a human being. Yeah, but not a whole body. Yeah, like a face, obviously obviously because you said it could see you So it's a it's a it's a beautiful material. Yeah, essentially and it's made out of wonderful wonderful Stone yes And it's a stone bust of a very famous person. It is someone we've talked about recently. Yeah, it's Ryan Reynolds Hey, you guys know each other? We played Deadpool. No it's Ryan Reynolds. Hey, you guys know each other?

We played Deadpool. No, no, no. How do you guys know each other? Oh. Well, we're not having an affair, but this is not us roleplaying. I come to this flea market to buy things and buy things only.

OK, and you get into conversations about things. I just wanted to know what you were doing. I'm not cheating on her. I've never seen you in a flea market. We're not cheating on our spouses with each other. I wanted you to admit that you were selling a jar of farts, and I wanted you to admit that you were side-jar fart, so I wanted you to admit that you're holding a bust of a famous person that I can't Think of this is a whole new game in this

She's got her own show. It's Ellen. No, we talked about her today. We talked about her today, obviously. She's got her own show I know who this yeah, She's got her own show. Yeah, I know who it is. Yeah, she's got her own show. I mean, a woman with a show. A woman with a show. Can you imagine? That is so cute. Like Murphy Brown? Yeah.

Remember the Dan Quayle? She's got a job. Potatoes. She's got a job of being on TV with her own show. Her job is part of the show. Yeah. As you know. As I know.

Did you make this? I did, yeah. And would it, would anyone fight about it in the court of law? I doubt it because I own it and I have all the paperwork. Oh, okay. You have your receipts? Oh shit.

Receipts are very important. I don't have the receipt. You don't have the receipt of the thing you made. No, this bust of Judge Judy, I do not have the receipt of it. Yay! Good job, everyone. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. We have time for one more.

Were you doing the real time with Bill Maher theme? OK, I'm one person. And who wants to be the customer? I want to be the customer. Oh, we're doing another round? I will text Scott what Paul is selling. And you're the customer? I want to be the customer. Oh, we're doing another round? I will text Scott what Paul is selling. And you're the customer? I'm the customer, yeah.

That's not a kill some time. I will text... What will kill time? You being the customer. In what way? I know you. I know you as well. I know you.

Wait, you're the customer, so I'm texting you as well. Yeah, text me what Lauren is selling, and Lauren, you text me what Paul is selling. And that will be how we start the game. Okay, I have what Paul is selling. And I heard a sound. Okay, great. Hi, guys. Hi. Okay, great. Hi guys.

Hi. Hey, welcome. Welcome to the fair. Thank you so much. You are most welcome here, we're a traveler. Is this a Renaissance Fair? Yes it is. It's a Renaissance Fair,

we got a couple of tables of things to sell. Okay, so this is all stuff that would be- I'm Carol Kane. Hi Carol, what happened to you? I don't know. So this is all stuff that would be sold during medieval times? Not necessarily. I think it is actually. I don't know.

Certainly some things you could buy during medieval times? I think both of these things are things that you could buy in medieval times. Well the customer is always right sir. I don't know. This definitely fits... What do you think of this item? Do you like what I have? How sir. I don't know, I think. This definitely fits. What do you think of this item? Well, would you like what I have? Would you like what I have? How about what I have?

How about what I have? I think what you have is, I feel like I've seen something like this before. Is it something, cause it's famous. No, it's definitely not famous, but I just, I used to work at a swap meet at like a flea market. And I had to take.

The marble bust of Judge Judy? No, no, no, nothing like that. But your thing, sir, is incredible. That is so large. Thank you very much. Well, it's large and of course, the price is a little bit high because of the size. I understand that if it were smaller, it would definitely be less. Yes, but what is that? What is that odor? What do you mean? The odor of the item in question. I've been here so long I can't smell it. What does it smell like to you?

Not anymore. It feels like your friend did something on that. Feels like my friends did something on that? No, your friend there that you have there. Oh, this guy? Yeah. It's a, he's a cardboard cutout. A lot of people think he's a real cat.

Oh, I thought that was a real cat. No, no, no. Oh, okay. No, no, no. Okay, so then why does this... Something you smell the aroma of cat. A certain part of what a cat does, yes. Like a hairball.

No, no. Other end. Poo poo? No, no. Pee pee. Yeah. So it's cat piss. Yeah, people no no yeah, yeah, so it's got this What looks beautiful, I mean it looks like something that would be around and hanging on a wall in medieval time like a beautiful earned No, no like a painting no not even like a banner. Like a banner. I mean, very close, but... Like a mural. No, that's close. A tapestry.

Very close. A tapestry that smells like cat piss. Just like it would in medieval times. I'll give you that, right? It's a tapestry of a cat pissing. Close enough. It smells like cat piss. It's a rug that smells like cat piss. A rug that smells like cat piss. Yeah, but as for you... What do I have? Why are you selling this?

This is very close to what the guy who had the next table over sold something very much like this at a place where I used to work. What are you talking about over there? I'm talking to this woman about her. A good jar of shit? Or is it a box of shit?

Can I open it up and... Sure, open it up. Ooh. Diarrhea? That's garlicky. Oh, diarrhea. Bad breath in a box? Very clever, it is that.

In a jar? No, not in a jar, not in a box. Bad breath in a, halitosis in a jar. It's not halitosis, I mean it's like, it's just basically someone ate something and... Vomit! No, no, it's not vomit. Tongue! No, someone ate something in and regurgitated a little bit of air. Burp in a jar. You're not in a jar, madame, not in a box.

Burp in a burp in a clog. It's in a it's obviously in a different kind of container that burp in a TV that you you would get at a grocery store. Burp in a bag. Yes. But what at a grocery store. Burp in a bag. Yes, but what type of bag, obviously? Plastic bag, paper bag. No, no. It's medieval times, don't forget.

A tote bag. Yes, but made of- A cloth reusable bag. Yeah, sort of, yeah, I'll give you that. A burp in a reusable tote. A burp in a burlap bag. A burp in a burlap bag. A burp in a burlap bag.

A burp in a burlap, burp in a burlap, burp in a burlap bag. To be fair, it was two burps in a burlap bag! A burp in a burlap bag! A burp in a burlap burp bag! To be fair, it was two burps in a burlap bag. So you're making me sell burps in a sack. In a burlap bag. You demeaning me in that way. Paul, why would you do that to her? Why would you do that, do that, do that, do that to me? I was trying to build myself up, and now I see what a folly it was.

Yeah, you've learned an important lesson here. Yeah. Well, guys, that was a fun... We had a blast. ...fun feature, but it's getting a little chilly here in the backyard. It's a little cold. I gotta go home. It is. We... The show is governed by the weather. And so we have to get out of here as a plane flies overhead.

What are you doing? I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Hey, thanks for listening, everybody. We love you. Happy day. And we really appreciate you listening. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. If it's your birthday. If it's your birthday, I just want to say happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday. And we are Freedom. If it is your birthday, by the way, you're very lucky, because that has never happened before. If you're listening, no one has ever listened to the episode on their birthday. So if that's happening to you right now, let us know. If it's your birthday and you're listening on your birthday, let us know.

Let us know. And we'll definitely respond. We'll respond. We're threedomusa on Instagram and Twitter, threedomusa at gmail.com if you want to send us a threacher. Who sent us this one? That's lost to time, but I didn't say it. email.com if you want to send us a three chair. Who sent us this one? That's lost to time, but I didn't say it. To the miss of time, but she did say it. All right. And hey, if you want to listen to this,

you know, anywhere you get podcasts, please subscribe. That's great. And if you want to hear it ad free the week it comes out, listen to it on Stitcher premium or cbbworld.com. Can I say that cbbworld.com is a good deal? I just listened to Tim Balz's CBB Presents where he was Randy Snuts. It was hilarious.

I love, I'm loving the bonus Nanza's podcast. Some good stuff on there. A lot of good stuff. A lot of good stuff. And I might be doing something. Yeah, maybe in the next few weeks. Yes, indeed. I have a very fun idea

yes so guys Lauren's putting on her coat I've never seen that before I've never seen Lauren wear a coat in my life oh my god this is crazy actually a jacket guys we love you we'll have to see you next week though until then spend the next, how many hours do they have until we come back? Um. 24. Yeah. We're every day now?

What? No, there's 72 is three, so then 144 is six. Oh my God, I'm out of time. So 100. When the plane comes. And 66, so about 165 hours from now, we'll see you. And we'll be seeing you. You'll be listening to us, but we'll be seeing you. Bye.

Be good to each other. Be good to each other forever. Goodbye. Hi everyone, Gloria Riviera here, and we are back for another season of No One Is Coming to Save Us, a podcast about America's child care crisis. This season we're delving deep into five critical issues facing our country through the lens of child care, poverty, mental health, housing, climate change, and the public school

system. By exploring these connections, we aim to highlight that childcare is not an isolated issue, but one that influences all facets of American life. Season four of No One is Coming to Save Us is out now wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Lupita Nyong'o. My new podcast, Mind Your Own, is a storytelling show that navigates what it means to belong, all from the African perspective. We're going beyond the headlines to dive into nuanced,

intimate stories from Africans around the world. I'm so excited to bring this show to you. Listen to Mind Your Own on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.