Threedom - Threevisiting: You ARE the Pilsbury Doughboy, Goobye!

Episode Date: August 11, 2026

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul, and Lauren discuss short-lived reality shows, crack, and air filters before playing Press Conference. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/shop Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lemonada. Man, when you're a kid, summer freedom means sleeping in, no homework, and no one telling you what to do. Freedom looks a little bit different when you're an adult. Sometimes it's just finding easy ways to make life less expensive and less complicated, like finally ditching that overpriced phone bill. Well, that is why I was excited about Mint Mobile's summer sale. I switched to Mint Mobile because I realized I was paying way too much for a service. just needed to work. The switch, it's incredibly easy. I kept my phone, kept my number, immediately started saving money. Mintmobile gives you premium wireless with high-speed data,

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Have you ever watched someone you love struggling with addiction and had no idea what to do? I'm Stephanie Little's Wax, and I certainly have. My show Last Day started with a question. I've been asking myself, ever since I lost my brother Harris to a heroin overdose in 2015, what could have prevented his last day? After years of talking to experts, advocates, and people in recovery, I now have definitive answers, which is why I wrote my new book. Last Day, How to Stop.

stop losing our loved ones to the opioid crisis. It hits bookshelves August 18th, so go to bit.l.ly slash last day book and pre-order the book or the audiobook read by me today. Freedom. Freedom! I stay winning, freedom. Freedom! Freedom!

And then one after. Wow, another one. How does it feel to be a winner? It feels good. I get it now. Okay. Is this the first thing you've ever won? He sure is, Scott.

And you made up the rules? I made up the rules. Yeah, that helps. Yeah. By the way, yes? Or by the way, no. You are Scott. Yes, I am Scott and you are...

It's in the dark recesses of my mind. Why is in the dark recesses? I know, shine a light in there. Not on the edge of my mind or the tip of my tongue. The dark recesses of my mind. Edge of my mind. It's really far in there. It's in my mind's eye by Alan Dean Foster.

Yes, the splinter of which. Paul. You are Paul. That's correct. And look who's here. Look across the table. My name is Lauren Q Public. That's right.

What was the spell? What was the incantation? Chuck Public, Rumba. That's right. Oh, my God. Welcome to another episode of Freedom. Yeah. The show where we talk.

Yeah. That's right. And you listen. Yeah. Or don't. You could also talk during when we're talking. But it feels like it would be annoying. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, we're not going to hear it. No, but to whoever they're talking to. Yeah. Or if they're just talking to themselves. Oh, they're talking back to us? Yeah. They can do that, right? Sure.

Oh, I just assumed you meant talk at the same time. Sure. I mean, it would be hard to get a word in edgewise. We barely can. Right. Actually, I listened to a couple episodes back and I was like, I'm going to interrupt less. And then I was like, that's going to be impossible.

I think we all. Can't do it. Sorry. Can't. I can try, but I can't. We all feel that way, like, the hour before the show starts is like we go, today I'm not going to interrupt it. I don't feel that way.

Well, because you get interrupted. Yeah. I like to be a little more surgical of my interruptions. And not just seize on the one thing. Can I bring... Can I bring to the table? Yes. Do you have new business?

You have a table bring? Is this Lawrence topics? It's not Lawrence topics. It's not about a baby. No. This is a table bring and anyone can call a table bring at any time. Okay. Let me see if I can find the original inspiration.

Okay. So I posted a clickhole Instagram post. Congratulations. Yeah. And I put it in my story. Yeah. Great. And it said, this is what you should call him now.

McDonald has announced it has changed Ronald McDonald's name to intensity. I thought that was really funny. Very funny. So I posted that. I received, I mean, it was just a few messages, but a few messages from people who thought it was real. And they were like, what? What is going on? And I was like, oh, click hole is the onion.

It's owned by the onion. And they're like, what? I didn't know that. I didn't realize they were moving into that space. I go, what? Moving into that space. McDonald's, do they think? And then I'm like, so you see posts.

Are you flipping me off? Yeah. Lauren's just casually has her middle finger up. It's right at me. I just. She's resting bitch finger. RBF. I'm looking back at some other posts and I'm like,

you thought that was real? Like this is a picture of Patrick Mahomes And it says the quote is You gotta wonder how many worms are under this thing Patrick Mahomes on his first thought When stepping onto a football field And it's like he didn't really say that Like did you think the other

The other posts were news? I mean, I don't know Six times in the child's play movies When instead of murdering someone, Chucky just brutally mocked their car over email Major innovation Child Snowman is entirely of piss snow. It's made entirely a pissom.

I ordered a sweatshirt from them. Yeah. Which said it was a Christmas like holiday ugly sweater type sweatshirt. And it said I just saw all of you at Thanksgiving. Right. And I thought that was very funny. And I ordered it. And they sent me one that said Merry Christmas Scott Ackerman on it.

Oh, well, they got a little. It was a mistake. A little special attention. Oh, no. Because they didn't want to wish me that. Did you get your money back? Yeah. Yeah.

Good. demanded it. I sued them. I'll see your ass in court. This was a private purchase. Now, here's what happens. They do that for everyone who buys anything from them. Really? Yes. They also send you a personalized reading. They should just sell the personalized greeting ones. They might. Those would be more popular. I think they like the surprise element. But it was very nice. I did a costume change in the middle of Christmas. In front of everyone. Yes. I stripped down to my underwear. Put on my same pants back. You turned your back to everybody. Yeah. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look at this.

I'm not good at you. You don't look at me. I also inadvertently fooled people with an Instagram post where I had bloody makeup on my face. Those will get people. They really do. And I thought because I was shooting something and in this one scene I get beat up and I thought this will be funny. It's pretty obvious. You're in the new Rocky film, right? No, the makeup was well done, but I'm saying my assumption is typically that's a lot. It's not real. Why would I do that? Why? Why? Why? Yes. Yes. Why didn't you get medical attention? Yeah. Like it's just crazy. Yeah. Yeah. So I had to reassure people all day because people were texting me saying, oh my God, are you okay? I like to think that they thought it was after one of these episodes. We just beat the shit out of you. Why do you like to think that? Why? Because I have a twisted mind. I like to think that too. That came right from the twisted mind of Scott Ackerman. That's right. I borrowed mine from Danny DeVito. Would you be the original twisted mind? I think he was. I can't think of a twisted mind before it.

John Krasinski's got a twisted, oh, I guess he has an imagination now. Oh, he has an imagination? Well, because his movies from the imagination of John Krasn's. Oh, where he imagines the same thing over and over again. It's a big of a lot of money. It's an invisible friend.

And even quieter place. Imaginary friend, I mean. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I see. Different film. Different film, new franchise. I have to say, drop dead Fred, right? That ties into the premise of the film. which is probably why they're saying it.

They have quiet places. Because it's an imaginary friend. Oh, no, I certainly did understand. No, but you were you were hyping it up to us like it was. Well, because you're from the friend of Ray Wilson. Mixed up mind of so and so. Mrs. Basilie Frankweiler. Mixed up files.

One of my favorite references. I, you know, it's a classic. Yeah. I don't know if I ever read it. Here's all I remember about that. Children's book. Is that it was a, it was a, it was a brother and sister? is a chapter book.

Brother and sister and they hid out in the museum. Oh, and then I did read that. And they would collect the... Ride the dinosaur bones? What's that?

Ride the dinosaur bones? They would ride the dinosaur boat. That's all the book was about. Right until they broke. Until the dinosaur came back alive. And they would collect the coins from the fountain to buy food

at the automat. You know what? I think I did. I did read that. I like automats. I like automats. They should come back. They should come back.

What about Bridge to Terabithia? Never read it. don't like bridge books I don't like Terabithium books What's another bridge book Bridge on the river quai Todd Bridges's autobiography

Does he have one? I bet he does I'm sure Now at what point is it An autobiography versus a memoir That's a good question I don't know To me autobiography feels very

textbook Memoir feels like I'd like to write an autobiography But I'm not famous You're going to say biography Memoir feels like... Fonic. I...

I'd like to write an autobiographical book. Memoir feels more like, it's my autobiography, but I'm taking some creative liberties. I feel like memoirs may be not about your entire life.

Like, it's not a chronological journey of here's my, here's my whole story. It's sort of like, I'm famous and here's my remembrances. I'll tell you what Wikipedia has. Please.

It's, is any nonfiction narrative writing based on the author's personal memories. The assertions made in the work are thus understood to be factual. That's a memoir or an autobiographical? That's a memonic. Memoir. Why didn't you look at dictionary.com? You want me to look at your fucking...

On Wikipedia? Yeah, please. I know what it is. Wait, do that. Dictionary.com is an online dictionary whose domain was first registered on May 14. 1995. Oh, my God. Answer your question.

The anniversary's coming up. This is crazy. Wikipedia has chronicled everything. I want to remember it to message dictionary.com on May 14th and say, congrats, guys. Can you look up milk on Wikipedia? Can you look up milk? Yeah.

I'm just curious how in-depth it goes. Well, I'll tell you one thing. Skip straight to controversy. Milk is a white liquid food. Ew. What a gross. It didn't say that. It didn't say that.

It does say that. A white liquid food. A white liquid food. Food you can click on. Wouldn't you start with drink? And that's food you can click on. Produced by the mammary glands of mammals. Do they call them mammals because of mammary glands?

Sorry I asked. I think it's just a happy accident. Mamary glands because of their mammals. What? The opposite of what you said. The exact same thing I said. You said, do they call them mammals because of mammary glands? the mammary glens were named first.

Like they're the star. Not the unit as a whole. I meant either. But you said it wrong. Memoir is an historical account or biography written from personal knowledge, an account written by a public figure of their life and experiences. The proceedings of a learned society. Like memoirs of the royal society.

You got to write a memoir. Put one out. Why do you say buff to me? Is anyone really hot? I'm like so hot. I was a little warm. It's usually freezing in here. Well, I had the heat on because it was freezing and that's why I had the door open.

I'm so sorry. Do you want me to turn on? Something else. Yeah. Would you turn on your heart light? Maybe that'll do the things down. Or can you open a window or something? You open a window.

Can we? Are these able to be open? Guess what? Yes, they're able to be open. Okay. I'll open it. I'm hot. Autobiography and account of a person's life written by that person.

So they're the same thing. The same ass thing? Yeah. Although for some reason, memoir gets more detail. But this is what I mean, though, is like I feel like if you're a non-famous person, like, I don't know, who wrote Everlasting Stopper? I'll do it. Lauren, you pick up the slack. Talk Everlasting.

Do what? I opened it. Oh, okay. What do you think I'm an idiot? It was such a crack. Well, I didn't want to get us all freezing. Burr. I didn't know what would happen.

I'll start with a crack, you know? Sure. you start with crack and that's the gateway opening up the window even more. Start with crack and then heroin. And then you just see what happens. Crack, it could be a gateway drug, I suppose. I guess.

If you start with crack, why not go higher? Start crack. I would just smoke crack socially. And then before I knew it, I was doing it alone. Constantly, though, either way. Is it fun, do you think? Crack. Look, we've all said we didn't like

idea of Coke and everyone was like year or square. So I guess we have to say crack is cool. It's very cool. What's the big deal about crack? We used to smoke it in high school. We're the most square podcast hosts around. Yeah. That can't be true.

We have, I mean, we haven't done coke. I can't remember. We what? I haven't done Coke. I have not done Coke. Okay, none of us have done Coke. No desire. We only smoke Sensomia.

No, but it's like everyone I know who's, no, I don't want to get back into the Coke conversation because I do. have friends who are cool who've done coke. But the people I... And they wear sunglasses? The people I first think of are the worst. One thousand percent. So that's kind of the message Coke is sending.

Exactly. I'm a douchebag. Yes. But cool people have been known to try. Of course. So what am I going to say? John Wayne Gacy. The clown killer?

That's not fair. I don't know if he's ever done coke. Yeah, don't ever disparage him. I apologize. Don't drag his name through the mud. My friend Patrick Bateman used to do it a lot. And that, you know... I have his business car.

Do you really? I'd like to rewatch that movie. That was a fun movie. It was so fun. Do you know what? I didn't like it at the time and I wonder if I would like it more now. I just love Christian Bale. I do too.

Yeah. I really like him. Because of your Batman experience? Because just of life. May I introduce you to The Prestige? What's that? Oh, the Prestige. It's the third step.

It's a third stuff. It's a movie that makes you do a... noise. The prestige is Christian Bell and I believe, is that the one with Hugh Jackman? Huge Jacked Man is in this. Hugh Jackman plays a role. He plays a double role in this. He's getting divorced. It's old news at this point. I'm happy for him.

You know what? I bet that's something I learned, felt bad about, and forgot. Well, because he's been with his wife for like ever and a day. Long time. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm happy for them both. I think sometimes that can be a great step. Well, of course it can be. To not living with that person. Oh, he wants his, the news is that he wants his estranged wife to sign an NDA. Okay. Not suspicious.

So not amicable. That's tricky. He plays a double role in the prestige. And the one character is so entertaining that I wished that he had his own movie. You should do a, you should write a spin-off, like a sitcom. Like a young Sheldon. From my imagination. From the prestigious mind of Paul F. Tompkins.

You'd never created a show that's been on the air. Nope. The advertisements are out there. People are like barely big. I'm from real time. I'd go along with it. That is what I most known for. Do you have that on your IMDB as you're most known for?

Yeah. And I'm the one who makes it that. I'm the one who. I am the one who makes it that. I am the one who knocks on my I amy Breaking Bad spoilers Why did he knock? He didn't knock.

He was being figurative. He never knocked? No. He's out there bragging about knocking. I think he's knocked on a door in the show, but not in the way that he's talking about in that scene. I actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I don't think he's ever knocked on a door in the show.

No, I think he always barged in like Fonzie. Fonzie didn't barge in. Fonzie never barge him? He's sauntered in. Kramer would barge it. Yeah. And, and Squiggy famously barged him.

Yes. Hello. So Lenny, Squiggy, Kramer, and then Brian Cranston and Bricky Bad. They're all the characters on TV who just would throw open a door. Erkel. Urkel. Classic example. In the credits, they're trying to keep him out.

Yeah. He has the strength of 10 men. The entire family is pushing on the door. Do you know nerds are really strong? Yeah. It's kind of one of their secret things. They get that nerd adrenaline. Do you remember the show?

beauty and the geek. Of course. Yeah. What reality shows did not last that you wish had lasted? Oh, wow. I was thinking about when reality TV came out in the early 2000s and how novel it was, and I would watch every single one of them. And I was just like, I was thinking back on it going like, why did I waste my time on

there? There was one where like porn stars were cast in a Shakespeare play and it followed them. What? That's. What the fuck? And they all competed to get like Juliet and Romeo and Juliet or something. Well, that's a goal, of course. And it was like a, it feels like it was a 10 episode thing that followed them all the way to the end of performing this to a fake audience, I'm sure.

Well, the swan was one that was like, the swan. That was terrible. Yes. Horrified. Lynn Swan. Lynn Swan. Yeah. It's all about him.

The swan. Lynn Swan. The Swan for people who don't know was a show where people just got complete head. head-to-to-toe plastic surgery. Yeah. Toes is special. And they were away from their family for like three months while they were covered. And then they came back and looked completely different, including like weight loss, new teeth,

and totally different hair. Oh, cool. Who are you? Yeah. It's like, I think those children, I would love to interview some of the children. I don't want to interview them. I want to watch interviews. In like a Bill Cosby interviewing kids kind of show?

I think no. And they're all, they're all adults. Who else did that show? Art Link Letter. Tiffany Haddish. Oh, and they didn't know. That's great. She ready.

She ready. To do that show. She was ready, and she did do it. And you can do it. And you can and you will. Was it hot or not, the Lorenzo Lama's? Oh, yeah, where you would aim the pointer at you? Laser pointer.

What's that? So hot or not was a website. Horrible. Oh, the website I remember, yeah. In college, it was very popular. Then they made a TV show out of it where it was three judges la American Idol. And Lorenzo Lama's discussing human being was one of them. and he would aim a laser pointer at women in their bikinis and show parts of their bodies.

That is so disgusting. Yeah. That was a one-seasoner. Oh, yeah. That's sickening. Yeah. Sickening. A rare instance of network television saying,

I guess we were wrong about how disgusting everyone is. Of course, correct. Yeah, I guess they must have thought everyone would love that. Yeah. Which is like, nobody is perfect. So nobody's going to like this? Nobody's perfect. I swear.

Nobody's nerd. Pobody's Nerfif. That I know. Pobody's Nervict, of course. A Poppity's Nervict. It does seem like a lot of a lot of stuff like this in culture as a reaction to the previous decade. Like I was thinking about gross out comedies, you know, in the 90s.

And I was like, why was everything? Annie Hall? You hear of that I think I did. But, you know, like, why were those the most popular comedies? And then you go, well, it's because in the 80s, everything was so, like, monoculture was just, so like strayed norm and especially like everything on TV was like home improvement. And it's also endless imitations of the one thing that was successful. Right.

I was just talking on the way here on the phone to my friend about. Hands free? It was hands free. And he brought up the movie Eddie. And then I thought that was the one where Whoopi Goldberg had a dinosaur for a friend. And then he looked it up and that was Theodore Rex. But I was like, that was a period of time where that could happen. And that one almost didn't come out or something like that.

like a big lawsuit. I can't remember. I was touch and go there for a while. I don't know, but there were so many things like at that time where like an animal or a puppet or something. I think she was forced to be in it. It was originally intended for theatrical. It went direct to video and consequently became consequently became the most expensive direct-to-video film ever made. That's also consequential.

How much? The budge. Is that what you're asking? Is it Wikipedia again? 33.5 million. Look it up on Dictionary.com. Yeah. Theodore Rex.

Theodore Rex is a movie. Thank you, Dictionary.com. Yeah, I believe she had made an oral agreement, if you know what I mean, to star in the film. Excuse me. And then attempted to back out and they sued her. It was settled. And then she agreed to star in it. I'm sorry.

If you just said you're going to do it and you don't want to, you can't be sued into. I would love to hear that conversation. There's so many times that happens where someone says they'll do something and they don't. If somebody agrees to something and they're backing away from you, I don't think that should count. Yeah. I'll be in that movie where I care a lot about a famous dinosaur. Excuse me. Just one second.

I just have to go get something out of my car. Is he like a celebrity and she's like his agent or something? They're cops, I believe. Oh, what? Who is who a celebrity? The first scenario I can see. The dinosaurs are a celebrity. Celebrity?

Yeah. And she's getting out of there? I don't know what the plot is. The dinosaur's a celebrity. Get them out of there. I believe they are police officers. What's on your phone? What is that?

I'm always curious about your gadgets. It's a bat tree. A bat tree? An external bat tree. There we are you out all day? Why do you need that? Not near an electrical plug, are you? Who are you to ask me that?

I'm your... Who the fuck are you? I'm your worker queens. That's fair. My phone was already had. drained when I got here. How long have you been up? It's early in the morning.

I've been up since 7 a.m. You didn't send your connections until. We have to take a break. All right. I love a good home refresh, but I do not love spending of a trillion dollars to make my space feel new. Sometimes it's just one thing, a better storage solution, a cozy chair, or that piece of furniture that makes you go, wait. Now, why didn't I do this sooner? Now, that's what I love about Wayfair.

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And you know what? You don't have to actually golf to buy golf pants. Here's the secret about golf pants, everybody. They're really lightweight and comfortable. Golf pants are great because they look kind of like nice pants that you can wear it to a nice place, but they also look sort of dressed down as well. They're very versatile.

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sending me letters. I don't work for Quince. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash freedom for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash freedom. Man, when you're a kid, summer freedom means sleeping in, no homework,

and no one telling you what to do. Freedom looks a little bit different when you're an adult. Sometimes it's just finding easy ways to make life less expensive and less complicated, like finally ditching that overpriced phone bill? Well, that is why I was excited about Mint Mobile's summer sale. I switched to Mint Mobile because I realized I was paying way too much for a service. I just needed to work. The switch, it's incredibly easy. I kept my phone, kept my number, immediately started saving money. Mint Mobile gives you premium

wireless with high-speed data, unlimited talk and text, all on the T-Mobile 5G network. You can choose from three, six, or 12-month plans and skip that traditional monthly bill. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's mintmobile.com slash freedom. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's it. There's no catch.

Up front payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12 months, plan required $15 per month equivalent, taxes and fees extra initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy includes up to 20 gigabytes hotspot, capable device required, availability, speed, and coverage varies. C mintmobile.com. And we're back. Let me talk about connections. Okay. Talk about connections.

This is your final word on the subject. This will date this recording, of course. But the other day, we had one where I could. I didn't get it, and I believe, Lauren, were you stumped as well? Yesterday, yeah. And the thing that really held me up was, and I was very surprised at the reveal, was measurements of water. Yeah.

But it was like descriptions of type. Yeah, it was like bead, drop, something like that. Glob was the one of them was Glob. I've never heard that in my life. A glob of water? I think of glob is like more viscous. just like mustard. I got a glob of mustard on my shirt.

Glob. But is mustard considered a liquid? Not by me. I've never drunk it. Well, is mustard considered a liquid? Maybe with a little extra water. Mustard is a liquid yellow food. I feel like glob is short for globule, which means a drop.

Then say globule, bitch. Yeah, but it's not like a common, like people aren't going around saying globule. They're not saying glob either. A glob of water on my shirt. No one's ever said that. No one has ever said that. A little glob of water came out of my eye. Oh, tear was one of them too.

Yeah. I was like, I'll give you that one. That's clever. Glob. I'll give it to you. No. I've been crushing Spelling Bee lately. I get genius almost every day.

I know nobody cares. I don't try for Queen Bee. I've got genius. I've never gotten Queen Bee. Well, look at my stats. Okay, well, I... Oh, do we have to? I can't do this right now.

Is that going to happen? You can't do it right now. Now when you're going to do it? Let me tell you something. I only learned. You made an oral agreement. I only learned about Queen B like last week. I didn't know that was a thing because they always say, it goes, you got genius.

It goes, congratulations, you're genius. And so I'm done. No, you can go further, Queen B. And so I learned that, but then I was like, that's my whole day at that point. Well, no, you got to use the assistant. What? I'll forward you this. The drone?

An assistant. Following the B theme. The hints thing? The, uh, it's like a. separate thing that tells you how many words you have left and all that kind of stuff. Oh. I'll send it to you.

Yeah, it gives you hints and stuff like that. I got fed up with spelling bee. Really? Yeah. At first I was like, this is boring. It wasn't fun. Yeah,

it wasn't fun after a while. But then I got addicted. Sure. And now it's part of my morning. That's like me with crack. Wardle, I think is like basic bitch. I've gone back to Whartle. I'd still do it.

Yeah. But Wardle's basic bitch. The Neo connections where it's like, you're really thinking. You're sophisticated. Then you have Spine Bee. You can work on that all day if you want to, you know, kind of go in and out. Or you can try to get it done fast.

In and out, like the restaurant. The birds. Yeah, exactly. That's what we're talking about. We're going to make me hungry. I want fries now. Oh, update. I did not go to Foster's Freeze.

And I thought that was fucked up. Yeah, we asked about it or Lauren did at least. Yeah. And I read that. And you didn't even say a word back because he said he didn't go. And I said, wow. Did you feel that was like a sort of two-person memoir? Yeah.

I felt that was between you guys. I was wondering why he was on. of a three of four. And you are our dear reader. Yes. My problem with you not going. Here's my ears our issue with you not going. Bring it. So you said you were going to. You made an oral agreement that you were

going to give Foster's fees. I'm suing you for one Foster's free. What if Whoopie had said, I had my fingers crossed by my back. Whoopi. Well, she ended up doing the movie for two million more than what you had agreed to. Well, that sounds like a good way to work it out. Absolutely. You got sued and then you got more? I don't understand. If that happened

to me, right? I would do any dinosaur movie for millions of dollars. And they gave me extra, well, you already have. And then if they gave me extra, I didn't have it for millions. If they gave me, but it made millions. So congrats. Well, that's nice for them.

And they gave me extra money. Like, okay, we understand you, you don't really want to do this. We know we're fucking you over by holding you two. A half-ass promise. We'll give you a couple extra million dollars. I would then, I would act the shit out of that movie. Yeah.

I'd say, all right. You made good. You know what? You got me. I'm going to do this better than I should. What is the plot? of Theodore Rex. I need to know so I can make references to it. Okay.

Dear Dictionary.com. Uh, look, it's one paragraph, I'll tell you that much. In an alternate futuristic society. Already crazy. Where humans and anthropomorphic dinosaurs coexist. So there's more than one. A tough police detective named Katie Coltrane is paired with an anthropomorphic tyranosaurus named Theodore Rex to find the killer of dinosaurs.

We understand they're anthropomorphic. I know. I have to say twice in one. sentence. A regular dinosaur. A T-Rex being a cop is so like ineffective. Like you can't run. No. By the way. It's also a human

size. Maybe they can't run. What do I fucking know? This is not that different from Zootopia. Really? Starring Shakira. But there are not... Do you think Zootopia was inspired by this? There's not Humans in Zootopia are there. No, there are humans, but it is a lot like that of like, oh, it's a weird futuristic society.

Human. Where everything's anthropomorphic. and two cops team up. A phone is too? Like, make a phone on me. They should, Pixar should segue into everything's a lot. I would fucking love.

Like toy story, but everything in the room is a lot. There's one human being on Earth. He's like driven crazy. Stop talking. His clothes are talking. And then you see the actual reality of it, which is he's the last man on earth.

And he's just, if only there was something to do. What about how? Holly's super into Wally right now. Oh. Which is a futuristic story, in fact.

Yeah. Yeah, it's very sad. The last few days, she's been obsessed with Wally and Eve. When I saw Wally, it was, the occasion was

Janie and I were trying to get to know our nephew. And we're like, we never spent time with him, let's take him to the movies. We take him to see Walee. And he's sitting in between us. And then when Eve,

the female robot shows up. The lady robot? He went, he did a wolf whistle and I said, that's inappropriate. And he's 37. Yeah. And I'm 112. So she had a sort of ray gun, a laser gun or whatever. She had like an arm that shot little bolts.

And he kept asking me, why does she have a gun? And I, and so I... Because of the Second Amendment. Yes. And so I... Yes. And then I got out my declaration. You're born with these rights.

And there's a lot of... We'll talk about them in the future. Yes. They're still trying to take our guns away. Yeah. Even though it's only roaches on the world. And so he asked me again and I tried to like get some, I tried to get popcorn on him. And I was like, because she's scared.

Then he asked me again. I was like, I don't know. Stop asking. He knew your first answer was bullshit. You know you don't talk during a movie. Yeah, yeah. He just wanted to know about the gum. Hey, I know we don't spend much time together, but you don't talk during movies.

Then we were taking him home and there was construction on a street. So we had to like, you know, take a different route. And he kept saying, this isn't the way. This isn't the way. You're going the wrong way. That's really cute. He's scared you're kidnapping him. I guess.

He seemed more annoyed like we were done. Well, because kids love structure. Yeah, they like to know. I don't give a fuck. What kids like? We explained to him as long as they like me. And that wasn't good enough for him. So it's like, fuck you, dude.

Okay. You know, your attitude. and obviously your baggage with your nephew is too much. You need to tone it down at least 12 notches right now. I'll never forgive him. I think he's about to go to college. Okay. Let's call him up and find out why he was so pissed about that.

What if he remembers it vividly? He might. You know, sometimes when you have an experience. Yeah, I remember. You guys went the wrong way. Well, because like, if he didn't hang out with you often, it might have been a core memory. A core memory.

formed. I wish we'd gotten it on Instagram. Yeah. Oh, man. You would have had so many hearts. You live your life with the hearts, don't you, Paul? I really do. One heart at a time. One quarter heart at a time. One quarter heart. Paul, you're checking your watch. You know what? I just got a little buzz on my wrist, and it's from my friend Joe, who I want to say like three weeks ago left me a nice voice memo on my phone that was just saying,

hey I haven't talked to you in a while and I was just thinking about you and I just wanted to say hi. That's nice. And I was like, that's really nice. And then I completely spaced on getting back to him. And now he's left me another voice memo. Like, hey, bitch. Hey, now I'm ashamed. Yeah.

This is Joe Namath, right? How often are you using? I saw him once at Netflix. I was there for a pitch. Netflix. I was there for a terrible embarrassing pitch. I didn't know that at the time, of course. Of course.

You felt passionate about it. And he was in the waiting room as well. had his own show to pitch. Really? I don't know whatever happened, but neither of our shows got paid. Interesting. But it was wild to see him in person. His show was a football.

He had a football with the word show. Scrawled on magic marker. What don't you get? Any questions? Other networks already show this stuff. And then when he left, he left the football on the chair. Well, or was that him? Wait.

Wait, what if he did a body swap with a football? After he was so embarrassed by his pitch, He's like, I'd rather just be a football. Then he gets thrown in a game. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, oh. This is what it feels like. I'm sorry. That's right, because you have to learn a lesson in a body swap movie.

Yes. What do you think the football learned? Food is good. How do appreciate pigs? What your skin is made of. The football in Joe, Dana's body. Rent, babe. It's like, I'm so sorry.

I did this. I'm so sorry. my skin is made of you. The football bleeps and so. It didn't do it. It just is. Well, your body is like that.

You didn't do it. It just is. You didn't do it. It is. Okay. He got you. I guess so. I was asking how often do you use a voice memo feature to send to people?

I use it more than I have before, but not that often. There's a period where I would. text people, I'd send a video because I just thought it was funnier. Yeah. That is funny. You're like, good morning. What are you doing? I mostly use the voice memo feature when people leave a word out in a text.

And then I... You want to berate them. I read it back in a thick accent. I was going to store, but ran out of time. We can still do the Russian accent, right? Yeah, absolutely. They fucking suck. Not the people, of course.

They're leaders. They're oligarchs. Yes. That's who you're making fun of. Yes, Pouton. Yes, Pouton. I have some friends who use it. I like it, especially for a long story.

Yes, exactly. But sometimes the phone will then, like, close during it, and then you have to, like, find the spot again. I'm like, they haven't mastered that. Let it play, bitch. Let him cook. Obviously, I'm listening to that. It's all I said to my phone when they cut off the voice, but let him cook. Let him cook.

Tim cook. Let him cook. Tim Cook, Tim Cook, Tim Cook Let him cook. Just a pure word association? I'm just saying that when anyone says let him cook, they're talking about Tim Cook. And what does that mean to you?

Because he's the guy who creates all these great things for Apple. Right. And so are you seeing it as, Let Tim Cook do his thing. Let him cook. You're saying let Tim Cook. Let Tim Cook. Oh, I'm mad at you.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I figured it out. I hate you. You looked at me, but you pointed at him. I meant to swing it around. You're trying to get everybody one go. I like that system.

That's not bad. I hate you. Looking at no one. Pointing at both. Looking at no one pointing at both. Uh-oh. This is where the audience can talk back to us. No,

we're leaving intentional pauses. Last night it was raining so hard. Oh my God, so hard. I loved it. It was great until. I have a sound machine. by the way, that's rain sounding. And I woke up in the middle of the night because the actual rain was louder than the actual.

You're like, this is a little redundant. Why would I make the black box sound old way? I was like, what's wrong with the sound machine? And then I realized it was life. Well, I have this window in my room that. So do I. Okay. My room's up to code.

I have one. When it's pouring that hard, there will be a drop. It goes, doop, doop, within the window frame, a glob. Oh, oh. Fuck. Don't know. Don't try to legitimize this. No, we're using it now. Every episode. But during my sleep, I don't like that. I started having a dream with that sound. Because it sounded like tap, tap, tap. And I was like, it was like a Morse code situation in my dream. And it was very, it was like really, really deep. It was like a great dream. And then I kind of woke up and I'm like, oh, it's the fucking window. And then once you're aware of that, like, I was just laying there going like, oh, this is so annoying. There's no way to stop it. Yeah. Because it's within the window. So you can't put like a towel unless I was going to open.

the screen and do all this shit. I'm like, which you're not going to do. I'm not going to do that at 3 a.m. No. And I just had to lay there and be annoyed. And it's so annoying. That sucks.

You can't, I put a pillow over my head. I put my sleep crown over my head. Add. Hashty ad. A great head pillow. What is that again? It's a fluffy little pillow that you can put over your eyes like an eye mask or over your ear when you're on your side and cover your eyes at the same time.

It's lightweight. It's squishy. It's very cozy. also cuddle it. Me too are. And it was handy. Don't. You are the Pillsbury Doe boy.

You are the Pillsbury Doe boy. You are the Pillsbury Doe. Come on. Goodbye. You've been undercover this whole time. Yeah. Why? Where is he?

Is he still out doing stuff? Yeah, man. He's still out there. I'm glad. In these streets? We stand a king. We stand the Doey King. He is securing the dough bag.

We have a, we just stopped using these air filters that we just would have on, I say we, that someone in my home would have on just 24 hours a day. Let me see. Who else is in your home? That's not important. And then finally,

finally, this person, the ghosts. I have to, we're running out of time. Finally, this person said, asked me, do these do anything? And I was like, no, they don't. Let's get rid of them. Let's get rid of them.

So happy. Because you've always wanted the white noise sort of gone. Well, I like white noise, but I know it's not doing anything. I like white noise, but I prefer. I don't see color. I prefer in sight noise. I don't see Dundalillo when it terms of the noise. That was a good book.

I felt like, never read it. I, uh, I prefer environmental sounds. Yeah. Like an ocean or something like that. Or that. Koka! Yeah. I'm getting sleepy.

Koka. Koka. Koka. She's all right. So the first night without them... They were in your bedroom or your house in general or what? They were in every room in the house except the bathrooms. And they didn't do anything?

I don't think they made any difference. And for a while... But the person that lives in my house has more environmental issues than I do. I don't really have allergies. Like you don't believe in global warming, is what you're saying? It's made up. If it's global warming, how can we have winter? Why is it so cold here in L.A.?

the past couple of days. Yeah. Doesn't make any sense, does it? Exactly. Yep. Why is it snowing in places it's never snowed before? It's getting a bit weird.

It took everyone so long to come up with climate change, but it's like it's too late. Too late. Why don't I think of it in the first place, dummies? Yeah. Because, but they would have done the same thing. I know. Climate change is every season. Yeah, every day.

It's different. I saw this thing that was like, I don't remember what country it was, but they did a program where if you recycled your groceries, I mean, your trash properly. Recycle my groceries. If you recycle your trash properly. Here, these are back. Like, you sort it in the, in the bins, like, to the, to their rules. You would get, like, a star on your garbage.

Oh, how fun. Like, you're a little kid in elementary school. And it, like, upped everyone's, like, abilities by, like, a million percent. Like, everyone was recycling properly because they were getting stars. And I'm like, if I got a star in my trash. Because they don't want to get shamed to not have the star. Yeah. I want to, like, have a competition to recycle.

I definitely do it wrong. There's so many things you find out, like, years, a million years into it, they're like fruit plastic containers, you can't recycle it. I'm like, oh, what the fuck? Here's the one the chicken bones one is really. What's that? You can't recycle chicken bones in the recycle bin.

No, you, like now you have to put them in the green bin because it's so much gas. It's like ruined, like from chicken bones. Yeah, yeah, the gas from chicken bones. What the fuck? What? Okay, I'm going to, right, why do we recycle chicken bones?

It's not recycling. It's complex. Yeah. Yeah, but it's kind of the same. I also saw this article that was like companies have known forever that like for 30 years that recycling doesn't do shit. Yes, I've seen that. Absolutely. And also in LA, like they don't, they just mix all the plastic. Exactly.

I never believe that they're doing anything with it, which is what's, it's hard to care. I used to think that maybe it was making a difference. And then once I found out it was not really making a difference. I was like, this is bleak and it sucks. That's life, is it? Nothing makes a difference. I will put the envelope with the little plastic window in the recycling because I don't fucking, what am I supposed to do? Yeah.

Well, I guess put in the trash. We can't do that. We can't. We can't. They're impossible to recycle if they have a little window. Yeah. Why, but I'm putting paper and plastic in here. And maybe fish enjoy the window.

When they get their heads wrapped in there. Maybe fish enjoy the window. You know? Like what? They want to just be in an envelope without a window? Why wouldn't we have a fucking machine? Yes. That separates.

Yeah. Why wouldn't we have a machine? Why go on. But so what were you going to say? So you got rid of the filters. First night. Wow. You're unfiltered.

I know. Yeah. I'm unfiltered. Are you triggered much? And watch my Netflix special. So the first night we did one of my personal favorite rain tracks. Listen to that on repeat. And, you know,

And you both agree on this? Yes. Because I think that's a tricky. Do you sample it for a little while and say, what do you think of this, darling? No, no, this is one I used for a while. I said, let me put this on. She's like, fine. Mike would love to have music on, but I don't.

I don't. I don't like to fall. No, no, no, no, you can't do that. It would have to be a continual song because of the fading out and the silence in between. And then suddenly a song starts. That would wake me up all the time. Yeah. Well, that we have sonos and we, okay, I'm getting ahead of myself.

You are. So then the next night. I'm lost. Then the next night, I tried a different rain track, which was heavy. Okay, so the first one, medium solid rain. Medium solid rain. The next one, just heavy rain. Not solid.

Not solid because it got louder as it went on. That was a mistake. Mistake number three. The next night, it seemed like I had lost my privileges to pick out the song, even though we had identified what the problem was. But now this person in your house. This person said, can it not be rain? Whoa.

that kind of throws everything. Hail, sleet. Well, there's ocean. We tried ocean, which was built in. I like Ocean 2. You have the danger of birds, though. But see, I don't even put, too many birds in the ocean.

If you're at a hotel, are you putting rain on? Yeah. Because I don't even think of that. And then I'm like, oh, I think I would like that. It's good. Yeah. It's good. I'll send you the album that I have.

Is it on Spotify? I don't know. But here's similar to that. Is it a CD? We had, it's not a CD dear. CD-R. CD-ROM. We had...

Is it a CD-ROM? We have Sonos speakers. Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. Oh, they work almost all the time. Okay. And so we tried...

There's like built-in channels on Sonos that you can use. But this rain track, this ocean track was so short. It was something like 30 seconds. Come on. So it kept fading in and fading out. And I'm like, this fucking sucks. Who would ever want that? No one.

A deranged idiot. I have a perfect sound machine, by the way. It's compact. I'd take it to hotels. What's it called? Not interested. Soundy man? I don't know.

I have a hatch. It does rain. I don't like the sound from sound machines. What do you mean? It does rain. I feel like it sounds too recorded and tinny. No. It sounds perfect.

I'd have to hear it. Anyway. Come sleep with us tonight. Okay. Well, I am scared. Okay. I did see it. I had a nightmare last night, so I do need to sleep with some parents.

You came here in your pajamas and you hugged me. My mom and dad are dead. So I need to sleep with some parents. So this person in my house said, hey, what about that? Didn't you have like a boat sounds thing? Uh-huh. And I did, I do have an album that is called Pirateship Ambulance. Pirateship?

So you hear like a vast and a hoi and all like this? I'm not sure. No human voices. Essentially what it is is like a huge ship, like an old wood ship. Like sort of creaking back and forth. How do we get? Now I'm getting sleepy. It's great.

like you hear the of the bones of the ship. It's scary. How do we originally learn in the same way, how do we know that dinosaurs, you know, didn't have feathers or did, how do we know what pirates are like and what they're talking like, what they're acting like on the boat? Like we have such pirate lore. Captain Phillips. They invented voice memos.

Okay. So they were recording things. I think probably it was like pirates, as pirates were, that era of pirates was dying out. They were like, please tell people what you sounded like. I think they were messy bitches. Please tell them I said R a lot. It's a peculiar dialect to say R all the time. It is.

It really is. Indeed. You know? I bet a lot of it is preserved because of sea shanties, like Yoho and shit like that, a bass there. Yoho is like the primary source for all pirate lore. That's like step one. Yeah. It's a yoho Zeta Stone, if you will.

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Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy includes up to 20 gigabytes hotspot, capable device required, availability, speed, and coverage varies. C mintmobile.com. And we're back, and it's time for guys. Time for a three-cher. Time for a three-cher. It's time for a three-cher. Three-cher is a game we'd like to play.

A three-chers-a-old. We put it on and you say, hey, I like that game that they were doing. I want to go and see a movie. I want to go and see a movie. We already picked one out. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, we did.

Well, all right. While we were waiting for your ass. Sorry. Oh. So, Three-Tcher is a game that we play. If you would like to send us a three-chre, a little parlor game, a car game, something like that, send it to us at three-year-a-game, something like that. it to us at Freedom USA at gmail.com. A car game? We could play it in a car. We should do one episode

from a car where we're driving. We should. Just drive around for an hour. That was fun. The second one was rough. That was, I wanted to go to bed. I remember. I don't remember. Yeah. This one's called press conference. We've played it before. We have and we're going to play it again right now. We're going to play it again right now. So, uh, two of us are interviewers and one is a celebrity, the interviewers text each other who the celebrity is and the celebrity tries to guess who they are from the questions we're asking. It's so simple. I love it.

It's so easy. Can I? Anyone could do it. If you have expensive phones that cost at least $1,000. And you have two friends and a wireless service. So. Podcast. This is a podcast only game.

Who's going to be the celebrity? Who cares? I think Paul. Okay. So I'll text. I'll text me. You know what? You fucking got me.

Hoist on my own partard. just like a pirate They did hoist a lot of things They hoisted so much The Jolly Roger Oh my God They would hoist I guess people over the side

That's true They would keel haul them for sure You know it's so It's so tough Because you go like Oh yeah You could throw me over the side Whatever I'll swim to shore

But sometimes they're too far away Yeah that's the thing That's where they get you Do you know what keel hauling is? Yeah I used to know What is it? Should I look it up on dictionary? They basically

When two lesbians move into gather really fast. Like bump into each other? Non-sexual. Lauren. Good one. It is basically they run you under the boat.

Like on a rope. Under the boat. The length of the boat. Oh, right. If I'm remembering correctly. On a rope? When it happened to. On a rope or they just... Yeah. Otherwise, you'd get away. Yeah. You'd go like, fuck this.

You're like swir over the side. Like, ha ha. Fuck you. Swallowed by a whale. asterisk get swallowed by whale asterisk All right you ready for this I texted you did you get it? Yes I go

All right here we go And Thank you all for being here I don't normally give press conferences Or maybe I do But here I am And I am now We hope you will because I mean

This is a really important thing For the city Hold on a second Now we'll take your questions Jesus Christ That wasn't a question That was an interjection Yeah

You're not supposed to do anything Okay. Until I say now, I'll take your questions. Hey! Look, I know you're different from us, but come on. Yeah, I am. We still respect you as part of our society. Thank you.

The way things have gone. We live in a society. I should hope. What? Never mind. Do you feel like your... You don't understand. Excuse me.

I know that as a George Costanza line. Excuse me. Do you feel like your coworkers are doing all they can to keep us safe? I think they're. trying their best, and I think that... What about you? Are you trying your best? Did we establish if this is real or fictional? It doesn't...

Who cares? I care. It's a person like that you're being? It can be anyone. Or do you mean the game? Is this game real? Why is everything in the room talking to me? Am I live?

What if I'm just a dream? Do you really want to know? If I'm real or fictional? Yeah. Yeah, I really do. I don't think we should tell him. Fucking hell. Am I Theodore Rex?

Yes. Of course you are. You fucking asshole. So you didn't need us to tell you. I knew. I knew. I knew you were going to pull some shit. All right.

It was either that or Joy Bayhart. The theater rex of the review. I didn't know the way. What be joy. Yes. I didn't know there were two choices. All right, who's the celebrity now? Paul, you get to pick.

I'll be this. Scott is the one who says Lauren is the celebrity. Okay, Lauren's a celebrity. And Paul, do you text me? I'll taste you. Yeah, okay. And Lauren, you and I can talk while this is happening. Okay, so what, filling in the blank sort of thing?

Well, he already texted me. Okay. Okay. All right, you ready? Here we go. Uh-huh. Hello, hello. Do you mind getting off your phone?

For this press conference? Why did you call us here if you're just going to be on your phone? I didn't realize you all had arrived. I'm ready now. Well, maybe you would look up from your fucking phone for one second. You fucking assholes. Is there something I can help you? Hey, we didn't come here to be called fucking assholes.

What did you come here for? For this press conference. I want to just make a little statement. So it is Wednesday and I do want everyone to know that this day forward from now on will be called hump date. Does anyone have any questions? Yes. Yes. Yeah, I have a question.

Did you want to say yours first or should we say? Yeah. Will you answer my friend's question? Sure. Is hump day because of, you know, those things that you and your, you and your. You know, you and your. I'll let you finish your sentence. You know, is it because it's because of those things on your, you and the rest of you.

On my. On your back. My quasi-modo. What a weird thing to ask. What was strange? We ask, I'm asking. We ask you questions here. No, it's rhetorical.

Am I Quasimodo? Those things in my back? If you're Quasimodo, do you not breathe? So it's a, it's humptae because of the things on my back. If you prick my hump, does a glob not come out? That's so gross. Can I have a question? All right.

What do you need? You're not Dr. Pimple Popper. That would be a great thing. Good. Good. What do you need? What is it? Do you have trouble buying clothes?

because I'm shaped like King Cooper because I am King Cooper You're a lot like King Cooper Sure To me I have trouble buying clothes because No you know what I have my clothes They must have special stores for you

I have the maid I have a tailor And does that come a taxpayer's expense From time to time when I have an event What about your uniform? My uniform is I have 4,000 copies of this And it's a lot That's too many Is that a taxpayer's experience?

Are we paying for this? You guys bought that last year. That was about $4 million. Jesus Christ. I would rather that you're not on the force if we're going to have to pay for all that. Okay. So I'm a cop. You tell us.

Okay. I'm a cop. How do you feel about your partner being so reluctant to work with you? I'm Theodore. That's right. Scott, you're up. You're up. Lauren.

Text me the celebrity, please. No, I think you text. I just texted you. I know, but she- She texted me. I never get to text anyone. Aw, I like texting. Oh, no, my data plan.

I'm out. My data plan. Can you imagine having a data plan in this day and age? Do you remember when long-distance phone calls were a huge deal? Oh, my God, my parents would... If you just lived like three towns away sometimes, you would not be able to talk to your friends. Three towns away. Question, question, question, question, question, question.

I haven't even gotten to the podium yet. Flash, flash, flash, flash, flash, question. Stop flashing me. yell, yell, yell. Yeah, that's that, bye, nah, all right, all right. It's time for. Do you guys like press conferences? We love them.

Okay, well, let's do one. Okay, how does it feel? It feels, I mean, honestly, feels amazing. Great. Thank you so much. Next question. You seem to have switched careers. It was just a conscious decision.

It wasn't an unconscious decision. I was awake when I decided to do this and I went for it. And yeah, I mean, I think it's working out. What do you guys think? Don't ask us. Do you feel that your friends on the fores are taking good care of you? Okay, am I theater wrecks? No.

Okay, am I Whoopi Goldberg? Yes. So good. So good. Oh, no. Thank God you got that lid closed. Yep. Sport top.

You want to play a regular round? Yeah. Okay. I'll text you, Lauren. Oh, you got to text. Who Paul is. How's that sound? I'm going to take it to the movie short.

Hey. I'm waiting for the type. What a long text. there it's a long name that's a clue uh oh uh it's not the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog I have a lot of questions for that guy

I don't know enough about this person okay never mind who was it uh use you it was you it was future the rapper but I don't really know oh nor do I okay uh okay Scott you establish your street Dumb it down. Yes, take us out of the salons of Paris.

Good? Good. Sure. Okay. Hello. Hello, hello. Good to see everybody. Hi, stretch.

Hi, bow shoes. What's cup? What's gup? I said. Oh, sorry. Come on. Oh, can you tie your horse up, please? Sure, absolutely.

Sorry about that. Where's your friend? My friend? Yeah. He could not be here. And why is that? Did you kill him? No, I did not kill him.

Did you tie him up? Normally your type kills that type of person. But you're friends. It's weird. We're friends. He's in space right now. He's in space. I'm going to hear about this.

That's crazy. What's he doing? He got lost. That can happen. So you're saying it's unusual that we're friends because normally my type kills that type of person. Yeah. Well, you're wrong. I'm wrong?

Yeah. It's not unusual. Tom Jones. I'm Tom Jones. Nope. So it is unusual. Tom Jones doesn't even exist. Who is that?

What? At this point in time. Oh, okay. So tell us about this latest adventure. I am riding around on my horse. I am shooting bad guys. Sure. Yeah.

We hope so. I'm becoming a legend. Okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What are you wearing on your chest? I'm wearing a star. That means I'm the sheriff.

Yeah. Oh, are you the sheriff? Oh, that's interesting. That's a dead giveaway of your identity. I am the sheriff. Do you find it's hard to see peripherally? Because of my special glasses? You're wearing glasses under there?

Under my mask? Yeah. You meant to say underwear. And I would be like, oh, I made you say underwear. You're meant to say. So you want conversation to be scripted. No, I just, it's a classic joke. Are you going to tell me my epidermis is showing?

It is, though. And it's huge. Yeah, so you have glasses under that mask? Sometimes, but not right now for this. Okay. And you're the sheriff? No, not really the sheriff. I work alone.

Oh, you do? What about your friend? He works with me sometimes. But he's in space. Yes, it's, look, don't tell anybody I said that. Okay. Well, there's a lot of people here and we're all, reporters.

Yeah. Follow-up question. What that mouth do? Well, it says things like Butch Cavendish, I'm going to tie you up and take you to the sheriff because I'm not the sheriff. You got it. I was played by Army Hammer in a movie that nobody saw. I flew on a Southwest plane next to him on his way to that job. On a Southwest plane. Well, I was in New Mexico. I think that was an easy flight. Oh, okay, sure.

Do you remember being in a car with Jay Thomas? Oh, yes, I do. And the story is told. on David Letterman many years in a row. Okay. My name is the lone ranger. Yes. And goodbye. Bye.

And your friend, Tonto is in space? Yes, he's in space. That is true. Okay, I want to read about this or see this adventure somehow. You'll find out. Tonto in space. Once Tom Jones is born, you will know. Okay, great.

About Tonto and space. All right, great. Now it's Lauren. Yeah. And Paul, you're texting me. Okay. I got to text two times. Do you want to text me?

No, because... This will be my second. time texting. No, no, Lauren will text you about me. Oh, so I'm not texting. I see. Yeah. No, you're texting, no, you're texting me right now. About Lauren. I'm texting you about Lauren. Yes.

Okay, that's, I was asking, okay. And I answered. What'd you say? Huh? Bitch. I heard you whisper. Step up to me and say that. I wish I knew who I was. We'll find out in a second. Everybody get off my fucker.

Your thumb still work? I'm waiting on that text, bro. I'm getting sleepy. Oh, I started texting the person that I was... A classic mistake. But this person will get that text. Oh, I thought you meant me. Oh, you're going to send you texting your friend Joe?

Or you're sending it to a celebrity in your phone. Okay, I got it. It is my friend Joe. All right. Hello. Oh, hi. Knock, knock. Is this where the press?

Can we come in to the press conference? I'm no one who knocks. It's happening in my house. No, Kramer, I. Okay. It's happening in my house. I am just getting everything sorted. Is it cool to come in?

Come and come and coming. It's fine. Why is this happening in your house? I thought you lived in a castle. Yeah, this is sort of a side place. I wasn't really planning to let anyone know I lived here, but. This is like an apartment? It's an Airbnb right now.

My castle's under construction. Oh, really? I see. I see. Is it because your brother has maybe incurred some damage? Yeah. Or maybe that huge ape? I am Princess Peach.

No. No, you're not. What? How do you wish? In your wildest fucking dreams. Oh, my God. Somebody's full of themselves. I'm Princess Peach.

That's interesting you say that you're Princess Peach when you spend so much time trying to make her life miserable. Yeah. Okay. this is really you know, it feels very I may have gotten this wrong about attacky. About you having a castle that might be your brother. It's true.

I'm not sure if he's gotten that wrong. My brother is the one with the castle. Oh, okay. Who's that? Hi. Oh, awfully evasive now. Wow. I haven't had my breakfast. I'm embarrassed for you. Do you have any other questions?

Just I like to be. Why do you hate? Well, He has a, okay, your brother has a mansion. Okay. Why do you hate that guy that looks like you so much? Why do I hate the guy that looks like me so much? I'm a man. You tell me.

You also have a mansion, I guess. I'm a man. Everyone in your family has a mansion. What's going on? Must be nice, is my question. I have a mansion. My brother's a man. Inherited wealth.

What about? Why can't it be a woman's shin? Yes. Well, there were no women in my family. That is true. That is true, as far as we know. Yeah. But was this all like during World War II people?

What? I mean, you're from Italy. Right. I'm Mario. No, you're not. You're not. You wish you were Mario. That is disgusting.

We love Mario. We love him. It's a him. You're not a him. I'm not a him. I'm a hurt. I think he's a him. No, you're, no, he's not Mario.

But I'm male. Yeah. Yeah, you're ma'am. And I can prove it. Oh, no, put that away. Why is your penis big that noise? No one has ever seen that, except I'm sure there's some fan art. You know, I'm really at a loss this morning.

Yeah. I have a brother. Why did you call a press conference in this Airbnb? Can we just go back to your mansion? Yeah, okay. Come here. There's ghosts and stuff like that there, right? Oh.

Am I king cooper? That's time passing. You're not King Cooper. You wish. I wish I was. Yeah. We all do. There's ghosts in my mansion.

I mean, no. There's not. The guy that you hate, there's ghosts in his mansion. The guy that I hate. Yeah. You know your good buddy Wario? Yeah. I'm Donkey Kong.

You're not. Donkey. Oh, my God. The nerve of this guy. The ego. Who the fuck am I? Toad? No, you're not fucking toad. Luigi. You wish you're.

You know what? You're Luigi's lanky rival. I'm Muaw Luigi. Yes. I'm glad we picked something we picked. That was my fault. I enjoyed it. I had to look up a lot of facts about him.

I'm glad you did. Yeah. I got it. You got it. I fell off the Mario train after the initial, his initial appearances. The new movie's fun. I've heard it's fun. But there's a lot I don't know about the games because I have not played them.

Yeah. I mean, I played them a lot as a kid, but then, you know, many advanced. But time to put away childish things. Of course. Without love, I'm like a clinging gong. Are we doing one more? Yeah, one more and you texted to Paul about me. and be

Be bold Be brave Take no prisoners You know Yes Okay Hi everybody This is not an Airbnb

Obviously you're standing at a podium Yeah Would Airbnb come with a podium? My first question Why did you say that? I just wanted everyone To be comfortable here You know

On the steps of City Hall Because you know You hear about it you never go to visit really, you know, but this is it, City Hall. Looks good, right? Do you think at this point in history where we are right now and you having the position that you do, would your ancestors be proud of you? My ancestors.

That's so hard because I haven't seen them in so long. Yeah, they're ancestors. Yeah. You might not have ever seen them. I saw my grandpa, maybe. I was thinking farther back than that. Farther back than my grandpa? There's too many murders in this city.

What are you going to do about it? I mean, I'm probably going to, going to investigate it? Would I do something like that? Does that sound like me? It would be helpful. Maybe get your whole team on it. Yeah.

My whole team? Yeah. I'll get my team on this. Yeah. Who are the members of my team again? Who would you like to see on this investigation? The usual gang. Listen.

All the people you've hired over the years. What do you say to people say you might as well be a chicken for how closely you're related to one? That I may as well be a chicken. Yeah. To how closely I'm related to a chicken? Yeah. You heard me.

Yeah. Okay. So are you looking up related to chicken on your lap top? No, no. I'm just saying that a guy like me, Theodore Rex. Yeah. Would. Yay.

All right. We did that be it. That's press conference, everybody. That was. Again, if you'd like to send us to Threather, write to us at 3MUSA at gmail.com. And if you'd like to call us, if you want to leave us a voicemail for our three-meum episodes that we do every other week, then just go to the website. You know it.

Hagg claims8.com and leave us a voicemail. I don't know how that works, and I'm not going to look it up. I actually went to it last night, and I see how it works. So it's very simple. You just press a record button on there. Yep. But then you have to talk. That sounds too simple.

Yeah. You have to talk. Oh, yeah. You can just press the button and it records your thoughts. Oh, that's too bad. Yeah. And if you want, on Tuesdays, we put out our old episodes. That's called Three Visiting on the Two.

They're out from behind the paywall and they are fun. And every other week we put out our three meme episodes. That's at CBB World and also Apple Podcast Premium. And follow us at Freedom USA on Instagram. Please do. Oh my gosh. So much going on there. So much good stuff goes down.

We're begging you. We're begging you. Ooh. Perfect. We'll see you next week. Thanks so much for listening. Bye. Hi.

Lauren really means that. Bye.