Threedom - You ARE the Pilsbury Doughboy, Goobye!

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

Scott, Paul, and Lauren discuss short-lived reality shows, crack, and air filters before playing Press Conference. Follow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.com. Subscribe at cbbworld.com to gain access to every episode of Threedom ad-free as well as brand new Threemium episodes every other week! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Two young fathers are shot to death outside an iconic Utah restaurant. I said, your dad has been hurt really bad. The grief was disorienting for those left behind until one choice changed everything. I just remember writing this letter and it wasn't me writing it. Can a personal decision shape generations? We're all falling for this guy's trick. I'm Amy Donaldson. Season two of The Letter, Ripple Effect,

premieres on April 16th. Follow us at TheLetterPodcast.com or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm feminasty Erin Gibson. And I'm homosexual Brian Safi. And we're the co-hosts of The Attitudes Podcast. Where we talk about LGBT plus issues, gender issues and pop culture.

Probably with much less respect than they deserve. Look, it's a wild world, and we want to help you laugh at it. Plus, we discuss everything going on in our lives. Like, what do you do when your husband accidentally starts a fire in a dumpster? And the best armpit-slapping techniques to get rid of the bags under your eyes. Thanks for the advice, Mom. And of course, how to spin a wig around to achieve a brand new look. Ah, stunning. So if you're a fan of high heel shoe chairs or have a crippling fear of hot air balloons,

but also believe in social justice, then this show's for you. Listen to Attitudes anywhere you get your podcasts. Freedom. Freedom. I'm the winner of freedom. Freedom. Freedom. I did it again.

I stay winning freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! I did it again! I stay winning freedom! Freedom! Freedom! And then one after.

Wow, another one. Another one. How does it feel to be a winner? It feels good, I get it now. Is this the first thing you've ever won? Sure is, Scott. And you made up the rules? I made up the rules, Yeah. That helps. Yeah.

By the way. Yes. Or by the way, no, you are Scott. Yes, I am Scott and you are, it's in the dark recesses of my mind. Why isn't the dark recesses? I know, Shana, why'd it in there? Not, not on the edge of my mind or the tip of my tongue, the dark recesses of my mind. Edge of my mind. It's really far in there. dark recesses of my mind. Edge of my mind.

It's really far in there. It's in my mind's eye by Alan Dean Foster. Yes, the splinter of which. Paul, you are Paul. That's correct, and look who's here. Look across the table. My name is Lauren Q. Public. That's right.

What was the spell? What was the incantation? Tuck, tuck,arb. Rhubarb. That's right. Oh my God. Welcome to another episode of 3Dom. Yeah, this is what it's like. The show where we talk.

Yeah, that's right. And you listen. Yeah. Or don't. You could also talk during when we're talking. But it feels like it would be annoying. Yeah. Well, we're not going to hear it.

No, but to whoever they're talking to. Yeah. Or if they're just talking to themselves. Yeah. Or if they're just talking to themselves. Yeah. Or if they're just talking to themselves. Yeah. Or it feels like it would be annoying. Yeah. Well, we're not going to hear it. No, but to whoever they're talking to.

Yeah. Or if they're just talking to themselves. Oh, they're talking back to us? Yeah. OK. We can do that, right? Sure. Oh, I just assumed you meant talk at the same time.

Sure. I mean, it would be hard to get a word in edgewise. We barely can. Right? Actually, I listened to a couple episodes back, and I was like, I'm going to interrupt less. And then I was like, that's going to be impossible. I think we all do it.

Sorry. I can try, but I can't. We all feel that way. Like the hour before the show starts is like we go today. I'm not going to interrupt. Yeah, I don't feel that way. Well, because you get interrupted. Yeah, I like to be a little more surgical with my interrupt. Hmm. And not just seize on the one thing.

The first two words that come out. Can I bring to the table a topic? Yes, what do you, do you have new business? You have a table bring? I have a table bring. Is this Lawrence Topics? It's not Lawrence Topics, it's not about a baby. No, this is a table bring

and anyone can call a table bring at any time. Okay. Let me see if I can find the original inspiration. Okay, so I posted a click hole Instagram post. Congratulations. Yeah, and I put it in my story. The end. Great.

And it said, this is what you should call him now. McDonald's has announced it has changed Ronald McDonald's name to Intensity. I thought that was really funny. Very funny. So I posted that. I received, I mean, it was just a few messages, but a few messages from people who thought it was real. And they were like, what?

What is going on? And I was like, oh, click call is the onion. It's owned by the onion. And they're like, what? I didn't know that. I didn't realize they were moving into that space. I go, what? Like moving into that space.

McDonald's, do they think? And then I'm like, so you see. Are you flipping me off? Yeah. Lauren just casually has her middle finger up right at me. She has this resting bitch finger. RBF? I'm looking back at some other posts and I'm like,

you thought that was real? Like this is a picture of Patrick Mahomes and it says the quote is, you got to wonder how many worms are under this thing. Patrick Mahomes on his first thought when stepping onto a football field. And that's like, he didn't really say that. Like, did you think that was more believable than the other posts were news? I mean, I don't know. Six times in the child's play movies when instead of murdering someone,

Chuckie just brutally mocked their car over email. Major innovation, Child's Snowman is entirely of piss snow. It's made entirely of piss snow. I ordered a sweatshirt from them which said, it was a Christmas, like, holiday ugly sweater type sweatshirt and it said, I just saw all of you at Thanksgiving. Right. And I thought that was very funny. So I ordered it and they sent me one that said,

Merry Christmas, Scott Aukerman on it. Oh, well they got a little- It was a mistake. It was a mistake. A little special attention. Yeah, it was a mistake. Oh no. Cause they didn't wanna wish me that.

Did you get your money back? Yeah. Yeah, good. I demanded it. I sued them. I'll see your ass in court. This was a private purchase. Now here's what happens. They do that for everyone who buys anything from them. Really? Yes. They also send you a personalized greeting. They should just sell the personalized greeting ones. They might. Those would be more popular. I

think they like the surprise element. But it was very nice. I did a costume change in the middle of Christmas. In front of everyone? Oh! Yes. Your own little eras tour. I stripped down to my underwear. Put on my same pants back again. You turned your back to everybody. Yeah. Don't look, don't look. Don't look, don't look, don't look at this.

I'm not looking at you, you're not looking at me. I also inadvertently fooled people with an Instagram post where I had bloody makeup on my face. Those will get people. They really do. And I thought, because I was shooting something and in this one scene I get beat up and I thought this will be funny.

It's pretty obvious. You're in the new Rocky film, right? No, the makeup was well done, but I'm saying, my assumption is typically, that's not real. Why would I do that? Why would you be posting with blood coming out of your face? Why wouldn't you get medical attention? Yeah.

Like it's just crazy. Yeah. Yeah. So I had to reassure people all day because people were texting me saying, oh my God, are you okay? I like to think that they thought it was after one of these episodes, we just beat the shit out of you.

Why do you like to think that? I like it. Why? Because I have a twisted mind. I like to think that too. That came right from the twisted mind of Scott Ackerman. That's right. I borrowed mine from Danny DeVito.

Which is the original twisted mind? I think he was. I can't think of a twisted mind before it. John Krasinski's got a twist. Oh, I guess he has an imagination now. Oh, he has an imagination? Well, his movies from the imagination of John Krasinski. Oh, where he imagines the same thing over and over again.

It's an invisible friend. And even quieter place. Imaginary friend, I mean. Oh, I see. Different film, different film, new franchise. I have to say... Drop dead Fred, right? That ties into the premise of the film,

which is probably why they're saying it. They have quiet place. Because it's an imaginary friend. Oh, no, I simply... From the imagination of... I certainly did understand. No, but you were hyping it up to us like it was. Well, because it's from the friend of Rainn Wilson. From the mixed up mind of so and so.

Mrs. Basilee Frankwiler. Mixed up files. One of my favorite references. It's a classic. I don't know if I've ever read it. Here's all I remember about that children's book is that it was a it was a it was a brother and sister chapter book brother and sister and they hid out in the museum.

Oh, and then I did read that and they would collect the dinosaur bones. What's that ride the dinosaur bones they would ride the dinosaur bones. That's all the book until they broke. They until the dinosaur came back alive. And they would collect the coins from the fountain to buy food at the automat. You know what? I think I did read that. I like automats. They should come back.

What about Bridge to Terabithia? Never read it. Don't like bridge books. Okay. I don't like terabithian books. What's in our bridge book? Bridge on the River Kwai. Todd Bridges autobiography. Does he have one? I bet he does. I'm sure. Now at what point is it an autobiography versus a memoir? That's a good question. I don't know. For me, autobiography feels very textbook. Memoir feels like I'd like to write an autobiography Biography, but I'm not famous you're gonna say memoir feels like

phonic I Autobiography book memoir feels more like it's my autobiography, but I'm taking some creative liberties. I Feel like memoir is maybe Not about your entire life. Like it's not a chronological journey of here's my, here's my whole story. It's sort of like, I'm famous and here's my remembrances. It's a, I'll tell you what Wikipedia has to say.

Please. It is any nonfiction narrative writing based on the author's personal memories. The assertions made in the work are thus understood to be factual. That's a memoir or an autobiographical? That's a memoir. Memoir.

Why didn't you look at dictionary.com? Why don't you look at your fucking- You want me to look up dictionary.com on Wikipedia? Okay. Yeah, please. Yeah, actually. I know what it is. Wait, do that. What is dictionary.com? Dictionary.com is an online dictionary whose domain was first registered on May 14,

1995. Oh my God. Your question. Anniversary's coming up. This is crazy. Wikipedia has chronicled everything. I want to remember it to message dictionary.com. Yes.

On May 14th and say, Congrats guys. Can you look up milk? Or at least look up anniversary. Can you look up milk on Wikipedia? Can I look up milk? Yeah, I guess so. I'm just curious how in-depth it goes. Well, I'll tell you one thing. Skip straight to controversy.

Milk is a white liquid food. Ew! What a gross way to put it. It's disgusting. It didn't say that. It didn't say that. It does say that. A white liquid food. A white liquid food.

And food you can click on. Well, wouldn't you. A white liquid food? And food you can click on. Well wouldn't you start with drink? And that's food you can click on. Milk is a white. Produced by the mammary glands of mammals. Woo! Do they call them mammals because of mammary glands? They must.

I think it's just a happy act to them. What do they call them mammary glands because of their mammals? What? The opposite of what you said. The exact same thing I said. You said do they call them mammals because of mammary glands? Like the mammary glands are named first.

Like they're the star. Not the unit as a whole. I meant either. But you said it wrong. Memoir is an historical account or biography written from personal knowledge, an account written by a public figure of their life and experiences, the proceedings of a learned society. Mm.

Like memoirs of the royal society. You got to write a memoir. Poof. Put one out. Poof? Why do you say poof to me? Is anyone really hot? I'm like so hot.

I was a little warm. It's usually freezing in here. Well, I had the heat on because it was freezing and that's why I had the door open. I'm so sorry. Do you want me to turn on something else? Yeah. Would you turn on your heart light? Maybe that'll cool things down.

Or can we open a window or something? You open a window. Can we? Are these able to be open? Guess what? Yes, they're able to be open. Okay, I'll open it. I'm hot. Autobiography and account of a person's life written by that person. So they're the same thing, the same ass thing. Yeah.

Although for some reason memoir gets more detail. But that that this is what I mean, though, is like, I feel like if you're a non-famous person like, I don't know who wrote Everlasting Gobstopper, I'll do it. Lauren, you pick up the slack. Tuck Everlasting. Do what? I opened it. Oh, what. Do what? I opened it. Oh, okay. What do you think I'm an idiot? It was such a crack.

Well, I didn't want to get us all freezing. Brrr. I didn't know what would happen if I just, I'll start with a crack, you know? Sure. You start with crack and that's the gateway to opening up the window even more. Start with crack and then heroin.

And then you just see what happens. Crack, it could be a gateway drug, I suppose. I guess. If you start with crack, why not go higher? Start crack. Yeah. I would just smoke crack socially. And then before I knew it.

I was doing it alone. Constantly, though, either way. Is it fun, do you think? Crack. I... Look, we've all said we didn't like the idea of Coke and everyone was like Euro square. So I guess we have to say crack is cool.

It's very cool. What's the big deal about crack? We used to smoke it in high school. Where does it, where, where the most square podcast hosts around. Yeah. That can't be true. We have, I mean, we haven't done coke.

I can't remember. We what? I haven't done coke. I can't remember. We what? I haven't done coke. I have not done coke. Okay, none of us have done coke. No desire. We only smoke Senza Mia. No, but it's like everyone I know who's,

no, no, I don't want to get back into the coke conversation because I do have friends who are cool who've done coke, but the people I- Yeah, same. And they wear sunglasses? The people I first think of are the worst. 1000%. So that's kind of the message Coke is sending.

Exactly. I'm a douchebag. Yes. But cool people have been known to try. Of course. So what am I going to say? John Wayne Gacy. The clown killer?

That's not fair. I don't know if he's ever done Coke. Yeah, don't ever disparage him. I apologize. Don't drag his name through the mud. My friend Patrick Bateman used to do it a lot. And that, you know... I have his business card.

Oh, do you really? Yeah. I'd like to re-watch that movie. That was a fun movie. It was so fun. Do you know what? I didn't like it at the time and I wonder if I would like it more now. I just love Christian Bale.

I do too. I really like him. Because of your Batman experience? Because just of life. May I introduce you to The Prestige? What's that? Ah, The Prestige. Oh.

It's the third step. It's the third step. It's a movie that makes you do a noise. The Prestige is Christian Bale, I believe. Is that the one with Hugh Jackman? Hugh Jackman is in this. Hugh Jackman plays a role. He's getting divorced. He plays a double role in this.

No, is he really? He's getting divorced. It's old news at this point. I'm happy for him. You know what? I bet that's something I learned, felt bad about and forgot. Well, cause he's been with his wife for like ever in a day.

Long, long time. Yeah. I'm happy for them both. I think sometimes that can be a great step. Well, of course it can be. To not living with that person. Oh, he wants his, the news is that he wants his estranged wife to sign an NDA. Okay.

Not suspicious. So not amicable. That's tricky. He plays a double role in the, and the one character is so entertaining that I wished that he had his own movie. You should write a spinoff, like a sitcom. Like a young Sheldon. From my imagination, from the prestigious mind of

Paul F. Tompkins. You've never created a show that's been on the air. Nope. Just some advertisements are out there. Yeah. People are like. Barely big eyes from real time. I'd go along with it.

Real time. That is what I'm most known for. Do you have that on your IMDB as your most known for? Yeah. And I'm the one who makes it that. I'm the one who knocks. I am the one who makes it that. I am the one who knocks on my I'm the one who I am the one who makes it that. I am the one who knocks on my.

Why did he knock breaking bad spoilers? Why did he knock? He didn't knock. He was being figurative. He never knocked. No, he's out there bragging about knocking. I think he's knocked on a door in the show, but not in the way that he's talking about. I actually now that I'm thinking about it, I don't think he's ever knocked on a door. No, he always barged in like like Fonzie.

Fonzie didn't barge in. Fonzie never barged in. He sauntered in. Kramer barged in. Kramer would barge in. Yeah. And Lenny and Squiggy famously barged in. Yes. Hello. So Lenny, Squiggy, Kramer and then Brian Cranston in Breaking Bad. They're all the characters on TV who just would throw open a door.

Urkel. Urkel. Urkel! Urkel famous. Classic example. In the credits, they're trying to keep him out. Yeah. He has the strength of 10 men. The entire family is pushing on the door.

Do you know nerds are really strong? Yeah. It's kind of one of their secret things. They get that nerd adrenaline. Do you remember the show Beauty and the Geek? Of course. Yeah. What reality shows did not last that you wish had lasted?

Oh, wow. I was thinking about when reality TV came out in the early 2000s and how novel it was and I would watch every single one of them. And I was just like, I was thinking back on it going like, why did I waste my time on that? There was one where porn stars were cast in a Shakespeare play and it followed them. What? Yeah.

That's so horrible. What the fuck? And they all competed to get like Juliet and Romeo and Juliet or something. Well that's cool, of course. And it was like, it feels like it was a 10 episode thing that followed them all the way to the end of performing this to a fake audience, I'm sure.

Well, The Swan was one that was like, that was terrible. Yes, horrifying. But it was fascinating. Lynn Swan. Lynn Swan. Yeah. It's all about him, the Swan.

Lynn Swan. The Swan, for people who don't know, was a show where people just got complete head to toe plastic surgery. Yeah, totally special. And they were away from their family for like three months while they were covered. And then they came back and looked completely different, including like weight loss, new teeth, totally different hair, new face.

Oh, cool. Who are you? Yeah. I think those children, I would love to interview some of those children. I don't want to interview them. I want to watch interviews. In like a Bill Cosby interviewing kids kind of show? I think no. And they're all adults. Who else did that show? Art Linkletter.

Tiffany Haddish. Oh, Tiffany Haddish. That's right. She ready? She ready. To do that show. She was ready and she did do it. And you can do it.

And you can and you will. Was it Hot or Not, the Lorenzo Lamas with the pointer? Oh yeah, where you would aim the pointer at you. Laser pointer. What's that? So Hot or Not was a website. Horrible.

Oh, the website, I remember, yeah. Okay, so then they made- In college, it was very popular. Then they made a TV show out of it where it was three judges a la American Idol and Lorenzo Lamas discussing human beings was one of them. And he would aim a laser pointer at women in their bikinis and show parts of their bodies.

Problem areas. So disgusting. Yeah. That was a one seasoner. Oh yeah. That's sickening. Yeah. Sickening. Where a rare instance of network television saying, well, guess what?

We were wrong about how disgusting of a one is. Of course. Correct. Yeah. I guess they must have thought everyone would love that. Yeah. It's just like, nobody is perfect, so nobody's gonna like this. Nobody's perfect. I swear, po-body's nerfect.

Po-body's nerfect. That I know. Po-body's nerfect, of course. Po-body's nerfect. It does seem like a lot of stuff like this in culture is a reaction to the previous decade. Like I was thinking about gross out comedies, you know, in the nineties. And I was like, why was everything...

Danny Hall. You hear that? I think I did. But you know, like why were those the most popular comedies? And then you go, well, it's because in the eighties, everything was so like monoculture was just so like straight and norm. And especially like everything on TV was like home improvement. And it's also endless imitations of the one thing that was successful.

Right. I was just talking on the way here on the phone to my friend about- Hands-free? It was hands-free and he brought up the movie Eddie and then I thought that was the one where Whoopi Goldberg had a dinosaur for a friend and Then he looked it up in those theater recs But I was like that was a period of time where that could happen and that one almost didn't come out or something like that It was like a big lawsuit. I can't remember. It was touch and go there for a while Yeah, I don't know but there were so many things

At that time were like an animal or a puppet or something. I think she was forced to be in it. It was originally intended for theatrical. It went direct to video and consequently became the most expensive direct to video film ever made. That sounds consequential. How much? The... Budge? Is that what you're asking?

Is this Wikipedia again? 33.5 million. Look it up on Dictionary.com. Yeah. Theodore Rex. Theodore Rex is a movie. Thank you Dictionary.com. Yeah I believe she had made an oral agreement, if you know what I mean, to star in the film.

Excuse me? And then attempted to back out and they sued her. It was settled and then she agreed to star in it. I'm sorry, if you just said you're gonna do it and you don't want to, you can't be sued into do it. That's crazy. I would love to hear that conversation. There's so many times that happens

where someone says they'll do something and they don't. If somebody agrees to something and they're backing away from you, I don't think that should count. Yeah, I'll be in that room with the dinosaur. I'm sure I'll star in that movie where I care a lot about a famous dinosaur. Excuse me just one second, I just have to go get something out of my car. Is he like a celebrity?

And she's like his agent or something? I don't know. They're the cops I believe. Oh what? Who is who a celebrity? The first scenario I can see. The dinosaur's a celebrity? Yeah.

And she's his agent? I don't know what the plot is. The dinosaurs are celebrities? Get them out of there. I believe they are police officers. What's on your phone? What is that? I'm always curious about your gadgets. It's a bat tree.

A bat tree? An external bat tree. There we go. Are you out all day? Why do you need that? Not near an electrical plug, are you? Who are you to ask me that? I'm your-

Who the fuck are you? I'm your work acquaintance. That's fair. My phone was already half-drained when I got here. How long have you been up? It's early in the morning. I've been up since 7 a.m.? You didn't send your connections until-

We have to take a break. Oh guys, guess what? What? Chicken butt? Oh yeah, I was going to say chicken butt. Then I have two things. Oh, okay. What's the first one? Chicken butt.

Okay. Second one is this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You're kidding me. No. I wouldn't joke about help. You're kidding me. I wouldn't joke about it. That's so interesting because I was wanting to ask our listeners, how is your social battery doing these days? Are you feeling drained or a little burnt out?

Well, Lauren, it's so weird that you would ask our listeners that because I was going to say it can be easy to ignore our social battery and spread ourselves thin. It's really important to step back and figure out the right amount of socializing for us. That's weird because what I was going to say was therapy can give you the self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. Well, that's really crazy because I was going to say a good therapist shows you how to set boundaries, strengthening that muscle so you're much less likely to agree to things you maybe

don't have the energy for. That's so odd because what I was gonna say next kind of relates to what you were saying which is if you're thinking of starting therapy give BetterHelp a try. It is super convenient, flexible, and fits right into your schedule. Are you ready to get goosebumps? Okay. Because... R.L. Stein time. I was gonna say you can do it all from the comfort of your own home. You just fill out a brief questionnaire to get match with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. This is gonna sound crazy,

but I actually have a code that would help people for this. What, what, tell us. So you can find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. You just visit betterhelp.com slash freedom today to get 10% off your first month, okay? That's better, H-E-L-P dot com slash three them today to get 10% off your first month. OK, that's better. H e l p dot com slash three. Oh, that's how you spell help.

What a coincidence. This episode of three is brought to you by Makersmark. You may not know that Makersmark's co-founder, Margie Samuels, was the designer and genius behind the original label. And now in honor of Women's History Month, Makers Mark has partnered with the talented artist Gail Ka Baker to hand paint a beautiful label, which you can personalize with the name of a spirited woman you know, someone who makes an impact on you or in their community. In honor of this Women's History Month, I want to shout out an amazing woman I admire,

Julie Louis Dryfus, who hosts the show Wiser Than Me, also here on the Lemonada Network. I'm honored to be a part of a community of strong women and I want to pass it on. And as part of this Women's History Month, I got a fun personalized label bottle from Makers Mark. So cheers to you Margie and cheers to you Julia. And you can join in on the fun. This month, order a free label and let a spirited woman in your life know just how special she is to you.

Head to makersmark.com slash personalize, fill in the details, and then shout out the woman you know who's making a difference. Makers Mark makes their bourbon carefully, so please enjoy it that way. Makers Mark Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey, 45% alcohol by volume. Copyright 2024, Makers Mark Distillery, Incorporated, Laredo, Kentucky. Hi there, it's Julia Louis-Dreyfus. You may know me from my podcast called Wiser Than Me, where I talk to older women and get their wisdom from the front lines of life. After season one aired, I was amazed by how many people told me our show made them look forward

to getting older, which is why I'm here to talk about season two of the show. Sally Field, Billie Jean King, Beverly Johnson, Ina Garten, Bonnie Rae, just to name a few. And of course, my 90 year old mom, Judy. All hail old women. Wiser Than Me season two is out now from Lemonade Media. And we're back. Let me talk about connections.

Okay, talk about connections. This is your final word on this. This will date this recording, of course. But the other day we had one where I couldn't get it. And I believe Lauren, were you stumped as well? Yesterday. Yeah. And the thing that really held me up was, and I was very surprised at the reveal, was measurements of water.

Yeah. And so- It was, yeah, but it was like descriptions of type. Like it was- Yeah, it was like bead drop, something like that. Glob was the one. And one of them was glob. I've never heard that in my life.

A glob of water? I think of glob as like more viscous like mustard. Yeah. Like I had a glob of mustard on my shirt. Yeah. Glob. Yeah. But is mustard considered a liquid?

Not by me. I think- I've never drunk it. Well. Is mustard considered a liquid? Maybe with a little extra water. Wikipedia. Mustard is a liquid yellow food.

I feel like glob is short for globule, which means a drop. Then say globule, bitch. It's not like a common, like people aren't going around saying globule. They're not saying glob either. I have a glob of water on my shirt. No one's ever said that.

No one has ever said that. A little glob of water came out of my eye. Oh, tear was one of them too. It was like, I'll give you that one, that's clever. Glob, uh-huh. I'll give it to you. Oh, Tear was one of them too. I was like, I'll give you that one, that's clever. Glot, uh-huh. I'll give it to you. No. I've been crushing Spelling Bee lately.

I get genius almost every day. I know nobody cares. You don't get Queen Bee? I don't try for Queen Bee. I've gotten genius, I've never gotten Queen Bee. You always get Queen Bee. Well, look at my stats. Okay, well I-

No, do we have to? I can't do this right now, but I- I think that can happen. You can't do it right now, when are you gonna do it? Let me tell you something. I only learned that- You made an oral agreement do it right now? When are you gonna do it? Let me tell you something. I only learned that- You made an oral agreement.

I only learned about Queen Bee like last week. I didn't know that was a thing. Cause they always say- Oh wow. It goes, you got genius. It goes, congratulations, you're genius. And so I'm like, oh, I'm done. No, you can go further, Queen Bee.

I didn't, and so I learned that, but then I was like, that's my whole day at that point. Well, now that you got to use the assistant. What? I'll forward you the drone. The assistant. Following the bee thing. The hints thing.

The, it's like a separate thing that tells you how many words you have left and all that kind of stuff. I'll send it to you. I don't care. Yeah, it gives you hints and stuff like that. I got fed up with spelling bee. Really? Well, at first I was like, this is boring. It wasn't fun, yeah, it wasn't fun after a while. But. I got fed up with spelling bee. Really? Well at first I was like, this is boring.

It wasn't fun after a while. But then I got addicted. Sure. And now it's part of my morning. More like crack. That's like me with crack. Wardle I think is like basic bitch games. I've gone back to Wardle.

I'd still do it. Yeah. But Wardle's basic bitch. The Neo Connections where it's like, you're really thinking. You're sophisticated. The Neo Spelling Bee. You can work on that all day if you want to.

You know, kind of go in and out, or you can try to get it done fast. Like the restaurant. The burgers. Yeah, exactly, that's what we're talking about. We're gonna be hungry. I want fries now. Oh, update, I did not go to Foster's Freeze.

And I thought that was fucked up. Yeah, we asked about it, or Lauren did at least, and I read that. And you didn't even say a word back. Cause he said he didn't go, and I read that. You didn't even say a word back because he said he didn't go and I said wow. Did you feel that was like a sort of two-person memoir? Yeah I thought that was between you guys. I was wondering why he was on the three of you.

And you were our dear reader. My problem with you not going. Here's our issue with you not going. Bring it. So you said you were going to you made an oral agreement that you were going to give Foster's Free so I'm suing you for going. Bring it. So you said you were going to, you made an oral agreement that you were gonna give Foster's Free, so I'm suing you for one Foster's Free. What if Whoopi had said, I have my fingers crossed, but I'm on my back.

Whoopi. Well she ended up doing the movie for two million more than what she had agreed to. Well that sounds like a good way to work it out. Absolutely. You got sued and then you got more? I don't understand. If that happened to me, right?

I would do any dinosaur movie for millions of dollars. Yes, and they gave me extra, well, you already have. And then if they gave me extra- I didn't add it for millions. If they gave me, but it made millions, okay, great. Well, that's nice for them. And they gave me extra money. Like, okay, we understand you don't really wanna do this.

We know we're fucking you over by holding you to a half-assed promise. We'll give you a couple extra million dollars. I would then, I would act the shit out of that movie. Yeah. I'd say, all right. You made good. You know what?

You got me. I'm gonna do this better than I should. What is the plot of Theodore Rex? I need to know so I can make references to it. Okay. Deerdictionary.com. Thanks, Demi. Look, it's one paragraph, I'll tell you that much.

In an alternate futuristic society. Already crazy. Where humans and anthropomorphic dinosaurs coexist. So there's more than one. A tough police detective named Katie Coltrane is paired with an anthropomorphic tyrannosaurus named Theodore Rex to find the killer of dinosaurs. We understand they're anthropomorphic.

I know, you have to say twice in one sentence. A regular dinosaur. T-Rex being a cop is so ineffective. You can't run. No. By the way, it's also human size. Maybe they can run. What do I fucking know?

This is not that different from Zootopia. Really? Starring Shakira. But there are not. Do you think Zootopia was inspired by this? There's not humans in Zootopia. No, there aren't humans, but it is a lot like that of like, oh, it's a weird futuristic society. Human!

Where everything's anthropomorphic and two cops team up. A phone is too? Like, make a call on me! Pixar should segue into everything's a lot. I would fucking love that. Like Toy Story, but everything in the room is a lot. There's one human being on Earth, who's like driven crazy. Ha ha ha ha. Stop talking!

Holy shit. His clothes are talking. And then you see the actual reality of it, which is he's the last man on Earth, and he's just. If only there was something to do. Ha ha ha. What about Holly?

Holly's super into Wally right now. Oh. Which is a futuristic story, in fact. Yeah, it's very sad. The last few days she's been obsessed with Wally and Eve. When I saw Wally, it was, the occasion was, Janie and I were trying to get to know our nephew and we're like, we never spent time with him, let's take him to the movies. We take him to see Wally and And he's sitting in between us.

And then when Eve, the female robot, shows up, the lady robot. He went, whew, whew. He did a wolf whistle and I said, that's inappropriate. And he's 37. Yeah, and I'm 112. So she had a sort of ray gun, a laser gun or whatever. She had like an arm that shot little bolts.

And he kept asking me, why does she have a gun? And I, and so I- Because of the second amendment. Yes. And so I- It's her right. Yes. And then I got out my- You're born with these rights.

I got out my copy of the Declaration of Independence. Yes. They're still trying to take our guns away. Even though it's homie broaches on the world. And so he asked me again, and I tried to get some, I tried to give him a little bit of a quantum, and I was like, because she's scared. Then he asked me again, I was like, I don't know. Stop asking.

He knew your first answer was bullshit. You know you don't talk during a movie, right? He just wanted to know about the gum. Hey, I know we don't spend much time together, but you don't talk during movies, okay? Then we were taking him home and there was construction on a street, so we had to like, you know, take a different route and he kept saying, this isn't the way, this isn't the way, you're going the wrong way. That's really cute.

He scared you're kidnapping him. I guess. He seemed more more annoyed like we were done. Well, because kids love structure. Yeah, they like to know. I don't give a fuck what kids like. We explained it to him. And that wasn't good enough for him. So it's like, fuck you, dude.

Okay, you know, your attitude and obviously your baggage with your nephew is too much. You need to tone it down at least 12 notches right now. I'll never forgive him. I think he's about to go to college. Okay. Let's call him up and find out why he was so pissed about that. Yeah. Does he still feel this way? What if he remembers it vividly?

He might. You know, sometimes when you have an experience. Yeah, I remember you guys went the wrong way. Well, because like, if he didn't hang out with you often It might have it might have been a core memory Core memory formed I wish we'd gotten it on Instagram. Yeah, oh man, you would have had so many hearts You live your life for the hearts, don't you Paul? I really do one heart at a time one quarter heart at a time one quarter heart While you're checking your watch, you know what? One quarter heart at a time. One quarter heart. Star Wars reference.

While you're checking your watch, you know what? I just got a little buzz on my wrist and it's from my friend Joe, who I want to say like three weeks ago left me a nice voice memo on my phone that was just saying, hey, I'm going to talk to you in a while. And I was just thinking about you and I just wanted to say hi. And I was like, that's really nice. And then I completely spaced on getting back to him. And now he's left me another voice memo.

Like, hey bitch. Hey, you want to do that nice thing? Now I'm ashamed. Yeah. This is Joe Namath, right? How often are you using? I saw him once at Netflix. I was there for a pitch.

At Netflix? I was there for a terrible, embarrassing pitch. I didn't know that at the time, of course. Of course course you felt passionate about it. And he was in the waiting room as well. He had his own show to pitch. Really? I don't know whatever happened, but neither of our shows got paid. Interesting. But it was wild to see him in person. His show was a football. He had a football with the word show, a Scrawl on a Magic Marker. What don't you get? Any questions?

Other networks already show this stuff. And then when he left, he left the football on the chair. Well, or was that him? Wait. Wait, what if he did a body swap with a football? After he was so embarrassed by his pitch, he was like, I'd rather just be a football. Then he gets thrown in a game.

He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is what it feels like? I'm sorry. That's right, because you have to learn a lesson in a body swap movie. Yeah. What do you think the football learned? Food is good. How to appreciate pigs, what your skin is made of. The football in Joe Davis body. Rent babe. It's like, I'm so sorry I did this. My skin is made of you. It didn't do it.

It just is. Well, your body is like that. You didn't do it. It just is. You didn't do it. It is. Okay. He got you. I guess so

I was asking how often do you use the voice memo feature to send to people? I use it more than I have before but not that often. There's a period where I wouldn't text people I'd send a video because I just thought it was funnier. Yeah It's funny. You're like good morning, what are you doing? I mostly use the voice memo feature when people leave a word out in a text. And then I- You want to berate them. I read it back in a thick accent.

I was going to store, but ran out of time. We can still do the Russian accent, right? Yeah, absolutely. They fucking suck. Not the people out of time. We can still do the Russian accent, right? Yeah, absolutely. They fucking suck. Not the people, of course. They're leaders, they're oligarchs. Yes. That's who you're making fun of.

Yes, Putin. Yes, Putin. I have some friends who use it, I like it, especially for a long story. Yes, exactly. But sometimes the phone will then like close during it and then you have to like find the spot again I'm like they haven't mastered that

Let it play bitch. Let him cook obviously They got the voice but let him cook let him cook let him cook What about Tim cook Tim cook just just a pure word association? I'm just saying that when anyone says let him cook, they're talking about Tim Cook. And what does that mean to you? Because he's the guy who creates all these great things for Apple. Right, and so are you seeing it as,

let Tim Cook do his thing. Let him cook, though. You're saying let Tim Cook. Let Tim Cook. Oh, I'm mad at you. Yeah, I'm sorry I figured it out. I hate you. You looked at me, but you pointed at him.

I meant to swing it around this way. You're trying to get everybody one go. I like that system, that's not bad. I hate you. Just looking straight ahead. Looking at no one. Pointing at both. Looking at no one, pointing at both.

Uh oh, lul. This is where the audience can talk back to us. No, I'll say it was relieving intentional pauses. Last night it was raining so hard. Oh my God. So hard. I loved it. It was great until I have a sound machine by the way, that's rain sounding. And I woke up in the middle of the night because the actual rain was louder than the actual. Oh shit than the actual rain. You're like, this is a little redundant. Why does it make the black box sound ugly?

I was like, what's wrong with the sound machine? And then I realized it was life. Well, I have this window in my room that is. So do I. Okay. I think my room's up to code. I have one. When it's pouring that hard, there will be a drop to go, doop, doop, doop, within the window frame, a glob.

Oh, fuck, don't try to legitimize this. No, we're using it now, every episode. But during my sleep, I started having a dream with that sound, because it sounded like tap, tap, tap, and I was like, it was like a Morse code situation in my dream, and it was very- So you were trying to decode it? It was like really, really deep.

It was like a great dream. And then I kind of woke up and I'm like, oh, it's the fucking window. And then I went to you're aware of that. Like I was just laying there going like, oh my God, this is so annoying. There's no way to stop it. Yeah.

Cause it's within the windows. You can't put like a towel unless I was going to open the screen and do all this shit. And I'm like, which you're not going to do. I'm not going to do that at three AM. No. And I just had to lay there and be annoyed.

And it's so annoying. That sucks. I put a pillow over my head. I put my sleep crown over my head, ad. Hashtag ad. A great head pillow. What is that again? It's a fluffy little pillow that you can put over your eyes

like an eye mask or over your ear when you're on your side and cover your eyes at the same time. It's lightweight, it's squishy. It's very cozy. You can also cuddle it. like an eye mask or over your ear on your side and cover your eyes at the same time. It's lightweight, it's squishy, it's very cozy. You can also cuddle it. Me too. Me too. And it was handy but... I'm so cute.

Don't. You are the Pillsbury Doughboy. You are the Pillsbury Doughboy. Goodbye. Goodbye. You've been undercover this whole time. Yeah. Why?

Where is he? As a skin person. Is he still out doing stuff? Yeah, man. He's still out there. I'm glad. In these streets? We stan a king. Yeah. We stan the doughy king. He is securing the dough bag. We have a, we just stopped using these air filters that we just would have on, I say we, that someone in my home would have on just 24 hours a day. Let me see, who else is in your home? So it's you.

That's not important. And then finally, I'm trying to narrow it down. Oh, that's you. You. Finally, this person. Stop talking, I'm trying to make the list. I have to, we're running out of time.

Finally, this person said, asked me, do these do anything? And I was like, no, they don't. Let's get rid of them. Oh my, they don't. Let's get rid of them. Let's get rid of them. So happy. I've always wanted the white noise sort of gone. Well, I like white noise.

No, it's not doing anything. I like white noise, but I prefer. I don't see color. I prefer in violence. I don't see Dondolillo when it comes to the noise. I felt like, never read it. I prefer environmental sounds. Yeah. Like an ocean or something like that. Or that. I felt like, never read it, I prefer environmental sounds.

Like an ocean or something like that. Or that. Or I'm getting sleepy. Koka. Koka. Koka. She's all right, she's all right. So the first night without them.

They were in your bedroom or your house in general or what? They were in every room in the house except the bathrooms. And they didn't do anything? I don't think they made any difference. And for a while. But the person who lives in my house has more environmental issues than I do. I don't really have allergies. Like you don't believe in global warming, is that what you're saying?

It's made up. If it's global warming, how can we have winter? Why is it so cold here in LA the past couple that's a couple of days. Yeah, doesn't make any sense. Does it? Exactly. Yep. Why is it snowing in places that's never snowed before? It's getting a bit weird. It took everyone so long to come up with climate change, but it's like it's too late. Too late. Think of it in the first place dummies. Yeah. Because, but they would have done the same thing. I know climate change is every season. Yeah, every day it's different. I saw this thing that was like,

I don't remember what country it was, but they did a program where if you recycled your groceries, I mean your trash properties. Recycle my groceries. Recycle your trash property. Here, these are back. Like you sort it in the bins, like to their rules. You would get like a star on your garbage.

Oh, fun. Like you're a little kid in elementary school. And it like ups everyone's like abilities by like a million percent. Like everyone was recycling properly because they're getting stars. And I'm like, if I got a star in my trash. Because they don't want to get shamed to not have the star. Yeah. I want to like have a competition to recycle. I definitely do it wrong. There's so many things you find out like years,

a million years into it, they're like fruit plastic containers you can't recycle. I'm like, well, what the fuck? Are we? The chicken bones one is really. What's that? You can't recycle chicken bones. You can't put chicken bones in the recycle bin.

No, like now you have to put them in the green bin because it's so much gas. It's like, from chicken bones. Yeah, yeah. The gas from chicken bones. What the fuck? What? Why do we recycle chicken bones? It's not recycling, it's composting. Yeah. Yeah, but it's kind of the same. I also saw this article that was like, companies have known forever that like for 30 years that recycling doesn't do shit. And they just kept pushing it.

I'm like- Absolutely. And also in LA, like they don't, they just mix all the plastic in. Exactly. I never believe that they're doing anything with it, which is what's, it's hard to care. I used to think that maybe it was making a difference.

And then once I found out it was not really making a difference, I was like, out it was not really making a difference I was like this is bleak and it sucks. That's no I will put nothing makes a difference I will put the envelope with the little plastic window in the recycling because I don't fucking yeah What am I supposed to do? Yeah, well, I guess put in the trash rage against that We can't we we can't they're they're impossible to recycle if they have a little window. Yeah We can't, they're impossible to recycle if they have the little window. Yeah.

Why am I, but I'm putting paper and plastic in here. And maybe fish enjoy the window. When they get their heads wrapped in there. Maybe fish enjoy the window. You know, like what, do they wanna just be in an envelope without a window? Why wouldn't we have a fucking machine? Yes.

That separates. Full stop. Yeah, why wouldn't we have a machine? Why go on? But so what were you gonna say? So you got rid of the filters first night. Wow, you're unfiltered. I know. Yeah, I'm unfiltered. Are you triggered much and watch my Netflix special? Um so the first night we did uh one of my personal favorite rain tracks. Listen to that on repeat. And you both agree on this?

Yes. Because I think that's a tricky. Do you sample it for a little while and say, what do you think of this, Darlin'? No, no, this is one I use for a while. I say, let me put this on. She's like, fine. Mike would love to have music on.

Or they. I don't. Music. I don't like to fall asleep. No, no, no, no, you can't do that. It would have to be a continual song because of the fading out and the silence in between. And then suddenly a song starts. That would wake me up all the time.

Yeah. Well, that we have Sonos, so when we, okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. You are. So then the next night. I'm lost. Then the next night, I tried a different rain track, which was heavy.

Okay, so the first one, medium solid rain. Medium solid rain. The next one, just heavy rain. Not solid. Not solid because it got louder as it went on. That was a mistake. Mistake number three. The next night, it seemed like I had lost my privileges

to pick out the song, even though we had identified what the problem was. But now this person in your house. This person said, can it not be rain? Whoa. That kind of throws everything. Hail, sleet. Well, there's ocean.

We tried ocean, which was built in. I like that. I like ocean too. You have the danger of throws everything. Hail, sleet. Well, there's ocean. We tried ocean, which was built in. I like ocean too. You have the danger of birds though. Danger of seagulls. Too many birds in the ocean. If you're at a hotel, are you putting rain on? Yeah. Because I don't even think of that.

And then I'm like, oh, I think I would like that. It's good. Yeah. It's good. I'll send you the album that I have. Is it on Spotify? I don't know, but here is similar to that. Is it a CD? I don't know, but here, it's similar to that. Is it a CD?

We had, it's not a CD, dear. CD-ROM? We had- Is it a CD-ROM? We have Sonos speakers. Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. Oh, they work almost all the time. Okay.

And so we tried, there's like built-in channels on Sonos that you can use, but this rain track, this ocean track was so short. It was something like 30 seconds. Come on. Fading in and fading out. Like this fucking sucks. Who would ever want that? No one. A deranged idiot. I have a perfect sound machine, by the way. It's compact. I take it to hotels. What's it called? Not interested. Soundy man. I don't know. I have a hatch. It does rain. I don't like the sound from sound machines. What do you called? None interested. Soundy man. I don't know. I have no idea. I have a hatch.

It does rain. I don't like the sound from sound machines. What do you mean? It does rain. I feel like it sounds too recorded and tinny. Yeah, too wet. No, it sounds perfect. I'd have to hear it.

Anyway. Come sleep with us tonight. Okay. Well, I am scared. Okay. I did see it. I had a nightmare last night. So I do need to sleep with some parents.

You came here in your pajamas and you hugged me. My mom and dad are dead So I do need to sleep with some parents. You came here in your pajamas and you hugged me. My mom and dad are dead. So I need to sleep with some parents. So this person in my house said, Hey, what about that? Didn't you have like a boat sounds thing? And I did. I do have an album that is called Pirate Ship Ambience.

Pirate ship. So you hear like a vast and a hoi and all that? No, I'm not sure. No human voices. Essentially what it is is like a huge ship, like an old wooden ship. Like sort of creaking back and forth. Yes, you're getting sleepy.

Now I'm getting sleepy. It's great. Like you hear the rrrr of the bones of the ship. It's scary. Where do you think, like how do we originally learn, in the same way, how do we know that dinosaurs, you know, didn't have feathers or did, how do we know what pirates are like and what they're talking like, what they're acting like on the boat? Like we have such pirate lore.

They invented voice memos. Okay. So they're, they were recording things. I think probably it was like pirates as pirates were that era of pirates was dying out They're like, please tell people what you sounded like. I think they were messy bitches. Please tell them I said are a lot It's a peculiar dialect to say are all the time it is it really is, you know I I bet a lot of it is preserved because of sea shanties, like Yo-Ho and shit like that, a bass there. Yo-Ho is like the primary source for all Pirate lore.

That's like step one. Yeah. It's the Yo-Ho-Zetta Stone, if you will. We have to go. Bye. ["SHADOWS OF THE DOLL"] Welcome to the Doe. We're Cassius Queen, and we hardly know her,

but we're still here, figuring her out together because y'all, season two is here. Hosted every week by me, ex-Maya, remember me? I'm going to be talking to all types of people about their relationship to money. I'm talking to reality stars, entrepreneurs, financial experts, and even some of my own friends. Basically anyone who will get real with me about their dollars, how they make money, how they spend it, and how they save it,

because I'm trying to retire early, people. Season two of The Dough is out now, wherever you get your podcasts. People love to pretend that there are simple formulas for living your best life now. Eat this and you won't get sick. Manifest it and everything will work out. People love to pretend that there are simple formulas for living your best life now. Eat this and you won't get sick. Manifest it and everything will work out.

But there are some things you can choose and some things you can't. And it's okay that life isn't always getting better. I'm Kate Bowler and on Everything Happens, I speak with kind, smart, funny people about life as it really is. Beautiful, terrible, and everything in between. Let's be human together. Everything Happens is available wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back and it's time for guys. Time for a three-chair. Time for a three-chair. It's time for a three-chair. Three-chair is a game we'd like to play. A three-chair is a game we'd like to play. We put it on and you say, Hey, I like that game that they were doing.

I want to go and see a movie. I want to go and see a movie. We already picked one out? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, we did. While we were waiting for your ass. Sorry. Oh. Oh. for your ass. Oh, sorry.

So, Three-Ture is a game that we play. If you would like to send us a Three-Ture, a little parlor game, a car game, something like that, send it to us at threedomusa at gmail.com. A car game? We could play it in a car? We should do one episode from a car where we're driving. We should. Our hotel episode was fun. Just drive around for an hour a car where we're driving. We should.

That was fun. Second one was rough. That was, I was, I wanted to go to bed. I don't remember. Yeah. This one's called press conference. We've played it before. We have, and we're going to play it again right now. We're going to play it again right now. So two of us are interviewers and one is a celebrity. The interviewers text each other who the celebrity is and the celebrity tries to guess who they are from the questions we're asking.

It's so simple. I love it. It's so easy. Can I? Anyone could do it. If you have expensive phones that cost at least $1,000. And you have two friends. And a wireless service.

And a podcast. There's a podcast only game. Who's gonna be the celebrity? Who cares? I think Paul. Okay, so I think Paul, because he doesn't care. I'll text you. You know what? You fucking got me. Hoist on my own petard. Just like a pirate. They did hoist a lot of things.

They hoisted so much. The Jolly Roger. Oh my God. They would hoist, I guess, people over the side. That's true. They would keel haul them for sure. You know, it's so tough because you go like, oh yeah, you could throw me over the side, whatever. I'll swim to shore. But sometimes they were too far away.

Yeah. That's the thing. That's where they get you. Do you know what keelhauling is? I used to know. What is it? Should I look it up on dictionary.com? They basically- It's when two lesbians move into together really fast. Like bump into each other non sexually. Lauren good one. It is basically they run you under the boat like on a rope. The boat. The length of the boat. Oh right. If I'm remembering correctly. On a rope. When it happened to me. On a rope or they just. Yeah. Otherwise they'd you'd get away.

Yeah. You'd go like fuck this. You'd like swim over to the side like, yeah. Otherwise you'd get away. Yeah. You'd go like, fuck this. You'd like swim over to the side, you'd be like, ha ha. Fuck you. Swallowed by a whale. Asterisk, get swallowed by a whale, asterisk. All right, you ready for this?

I texted you, did you get it? Yes, I got it. All right, here we go, and go. Thank you all for being here. I don't normally give press conferences, or maybe I do but here I am and I hope you will because I mean this is a really important thing for the city. Hold on a second Now we'll take your questions. Okay, that wasn't a question. That was an interjection

Yeah, you're not supposed to do anything Okay Look I know you're different from us, but come on. Yeah, I am. We still respect you as part of our society. Thank you. The way things have gone. We live in a society. The Joker. What? Never mind.

Do you feel like you're... You don't understand. Excuse me. I know that as a George Costanza line. Excuse me. Yeah. Do you feel like your co your coworkers are doing all they can to keep us safe? I think they're trying their best. And I think that- Well, what about you?

Are you trying your best? Did we establish if this is real or fictional? It doesn't, who cares? I care. If the person like that you're being? It can be anyone. Or do you mean the game? Is this game real?

Why is everything in the room talking to me? Am I alive? What about Justin Dream? Do you really want to know? If I'm real or fictional? Yeah, I really do. I don't think we should tell him. Fucking hell.

Am I Theodore Rex? Yes! Of course you are. You fucking asshole. We should tell him fucking hell am I Theodore Rex? I knew you're gonna pull some shit. All right Whoopi joy, yeah It was either that or Joy Behar. Ah! Until I could think of it. The Theodore Rexon of The View. I didn't know there were two choices. I went whoopie Joy. Yes. I didn't know there were two choices. All right, who's the celebrity now?

Paul, you get to pick. I'll be this, oh. Scott is the one who says Lauren is the celebrity. Okay, Lauren's the celebrity? And Paul, do you text me? I'll text you, yeah. Okay. And Lauren, you and I can talk while this is happening.

Okay. So what filling in the blank sort of thing? Well, he already texted me. Okay. Okay. All right. You ready? Here we go. Uh-huh. Hello. Hello. Hello. Do you mind getting off your phone

for this press conference? Why did you call us here if you're just gonna be on your phone? I didn't realize you all had arrived. I'm ready now. Well maybe you would look up from your fucking phone for one second. Okay you fucking assholes, is there something I can help you with? We didn't come here to be called fucking assholes.

What did you come here for? For this press conference! I wanted to just make a little statement. So it is Wednesday and I do want everyone to know that this day forward from now on will be called hump day. Does anyone have any questions? Yes. Yeah I have a question. Did you want to say yours first or should we say yeah? Will you answer my friend's question? Sure. Is hump day because of you know those things that you know? You know. You and and your I'll let you finish your sentence you know is it because it's it's because of those things on your you and the rest

of you on my on your back my quasi moto what a weird strange we asked no it's rhetorical am I quasi moto those thingsodo? Those things in my back? If you're Quasimodo, do you not breathe? So it's humpty because of the things in my back. If you prick my hump, does a glob not come out? That's so gross. Can I have a question? All right, what do you need? What?

What do you need? You're not Dr. Pimple Popper, by the way. That would be a great thing to ask in a question. Press coverage, what do you need? What do you need? What do you need? What is it? Do you have trouble buying clothes? Because I'm shaped like King Koopa,

because I am King Koopa. You're a lot like King Koopa, sure. That's news to me. I have trouble buying clothes because, no, you know what, I have my clothes. They must have special stores for you. I have them made, I have them made, I have a tailor. And does that come at taxpayers' expense?

From time to time when I have an event. What about your uniform? My uniform is, I have 4,000 copies of this and it's- That's a lot. That's too many. Is that at taxpayers' expense? Are we paying for this? You guys bought that last year, that was about four million.

Jesus Christ. I would rather that you're not on the force if we're going to have to pay for all that. Okay, so I'm a cop. You tell us. Okay, I'm a cop. How do you feel about your partner being so reluctant to work with you?

I'm Theodore. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right.

That's right. That's right. That's right. Scott, you're up. You're up. Lauren, text me the celebrity, please. No, I think you text. I just texted you. I know, but she texted me. Oh, I never get to text anyone.

Aw. Aw, I like texting. Oh no, my data plan, I'm out. My data plan. Can you imagine having a data plan in this day and age? Do you remember when long distance phone calls were a huge deal? Oh my god, my parents would if you just lived like three towns away, sometimes you would not

be able to talk to your friends. Three towns away. Question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question,

question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question,

question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question It feels, I mean honestly, it feels amazing. Great.

Thank you so much. Next question. You seem to have switched careers. Was this a conscious decision? It wasn't an unconscious decision. I was awake when I decided to do this and I went for it and yeah, I mean, I think it's working out. What do you guys think? Don't ask us.

Do you feel that your friends on the force are taking good care of you? Okay, am I Theodore X? No. Okay, am I Whoopi Goldberg? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. So good. Let's play. So good. Oh, thank God you've got that lid closed. Yep. Sport top. You want to play a regular round? Yeah. Okay.

I'll text you, Lauren. Oh, you got to text. Who Paul is. How's that sound? Okay. I'm going to take it to the movie short a I'm waiting for the tape a long text there it's a long name that's a clue oh it's not the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. I have a lot of questions for that guy.

I don't know enough about this person. Okay, nevermind. Who was it? It was you. It was you. It was you. It was you. It was you. It was you.

It was you. It was Future the Rapper, but I don't really know. Oh, nor do I. Okay. Okay, Scott, you established your street cred. Dumb it down. Yes, take us out of the salons of Paris. Good? Good.

Sure. Okay. Hello. Hello, hello. Good to see everybody. Hi, Stretch. Hi, Bo Sho Hello. Good to see everybody. Hi stretch. Hi, Bo shoes.

What's up? What's up? What's up? I said, Oh, sorry. Come on. Oh, can you tie your horse up, please? Sure. Absolutely.

Sorry about that. Where's your friend? My friend? Yeah. Uh, he could not be here. And why is that? Did you kill him? No, I did not kill him.

Can you tie him up? Normally your type kills that type of person, but you're friends. It's weird. Friends. He's in space right now. He's space. I want to hear about this. That's crazy. What's he doing? He got lost. That can happen.

So you're saying we were it's unusual that we're friends because normally my type kills that type of person. Yeah. Well, you're wrong I'm wrong. Yeah, it's not unusual Tom Jones. I'm Tom Jones. Nope So it is unusual. Tom Jones doesn't even exist. Who is that? What at this point in time? Oh, okay So tell us about this latest adventure. I am riding around on my horse. I am Shooting bad guys. Sure. Yeah, we know I'm becoming a legend Okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah, what are you wearing on your chest? I'm wearing a star. That means I'm the sheriff. Yeah Oh, are you the sheriff? Oh, that's a dead giveaway of your identity. I

Am the sheriff do you, that's a dead giveaway of your identity. I am the sheriff Do you find this hard to see peripherally? Because of my special glasses, that's you're wearing glasses under there under my Mask. Yeah, you meant to say underwear and I would be like, oh I made you say you're meant to say so so you want Yeah. You meant to say underwear. And I would be like, oh, I made you say underwear. You're meant to say, so you want conversation to be scripted.

No, I'm just, it's a classic joke. Are you gonna tell me my epidermis is showing? It is though. And it's huge. Yeah, so you have glasses under that mask? Sometimes, but not right now for this. Okay, and you're the sheriff? No, not really the sheriff.

I'm kinda, I work alone. Oh, cool. You do? What about your friend? He works with me sometimes. But he's in space. Yes, it's space. Look, don't tell anybody I said that.

Okay. Well, there's a lot of people here and we're all reporters. Yeah. Follow-up question, what that mouth do? Well, it says things like, Butch Cavendish, I'm gonna tie you up and take you to the sheriff,

cause I'm not the sheriff. You got it. I was played by Armie Hammer in a movie that nobody saw. I flew on a Southwest plane next to him on his way to that job. Really? On a Southwest plane? Well, it was in New Mexico.

I think that was an easy flight. Oh, okay, sure. Do you remember being in a car with Jay Thomas? Yes, I do. And the story is told on David Letterman many years in a row. Okay. My name is Lillian Ranger. Yes.

And goodbye. Bye. And your friend Tonto is in space? Yes, he's in space. That is true. Okay, I want to read about this or see this adventure somehow. You'll find out.

Tonto in space. Once Tom Jones is born, you will know. Okay, great. About Tonto in space. All right, great. Now it's Lauren. Yeah. And Paul, you're texting me. Okay, I got About Tonto and Space. All right, great. Now it's Lauren. Yeah. And Paul, you're texting me.

Okay, I got to text two times. Do you wanna text me? No, because- This will be my second time texting. No, no, Lauren will text you about me. Oh, so I'm not texting, I see. No, you're texting me right now. About Lauren.

I'm texting you about Lauren. Yes. Okay, I was asking, right now. About Lauren. I'm texting you about Lauren. Yes. Okay, I was asking, okay. And I answered. God damn, I hate you. What'd you say? Huh? Bitch.

I heard you whisper, god damn it. Step up to me and say that. I wish I knew who I was. We'll find out in a second. Everybody get off my fucker. Your thumb still work? I'm waiting on that text bro. I'm getting asleep. Oh I started texting the person that I was.

Classic mistake. But he, this person will get that text. Oh, I thought you meant me. Oh, you were gonna say- Are you texting your friend Joe? Or you're sending it to a celebrity in your phone? Okay, I got it. It is my friend Joe.

All right. Hello. Oh, hi. Knock, knock. Knock, knock, can we come in to the press conference? I'm the one who knocks. It's happening in my house. No Kramer eye. Okay, It's happening in my house. No Kramer eye.

Okay, it's happening in my house. I am just kidding, I'm being assorted. Is it cool to come in? Come in, come in, come in. It's fine. Why is this happening in your house? I thought you lived in a castle. Yeah, this is sort of a side place.

I wasn't really planning to let anyone know I lived here, but it's- This is like an apartment? It's an Airbnb. Right now, my castle's under construction. Oh, really? I see. Is it because your brother has maybe incurred some damage? Yeah. With all or maybe that huge ape. I am Princess Peach.

No, no, you're not. What? How do you wish in your wildest fucking dreams? God, somebody's full of themselves. I'm Princess Peach. No. No, you're not. What? How do you wish? In your wildest fucking dreams. Oh my god, somebody's full of themselves. I'm Princess Peach. That's interesting you say that you're Princess Peach when you spend so much time trying to make her life miserable. Yeah. Okay, this is really, you know, it feels very... I may have gotten this wrong about...

...attacky. ...about you having a castle that might be your brother. It's true. I'm not sure if he's gotten that wrong. My brother is the one with the castle. Oh, okay. Who's that? Oh, awfully evasive now. Wow. I haven't had my breakfast. I'm embarrassed for you.

Um, do you have any other questions? Just I like to... Why do you hate? Well, he has... OK, your brother has a mansion. OK. Why do you hate that guy that looks like you so much? Why do I hate the guy that looks like me so much? I'm a man. You tell me.

You also have a mansion, I guess. I'm a man. Everyone in your family has a mansion. What's going on? Must be nice. I have a mansion, I guess. I'm a man. Everyone in your family has a mansion? Must be nice. I have a mansion, my brother's a man. Inherited wealth? Why can't it be a womenshin? Well, there were no women in my family.

That is true. That is true as far as we know. Was this all during World War II? People... What? I mean, you're from Italy. Right, I'm Mario. No, you're not.

No, you're not, you wish you were Mario. That is disgusting. We love Mario. We love him. It's a him. You're not a him. I'm not a him? I'm a her.

Yeah, I think he's a him. No, he's not Mario. But I'm not a him. I'm a her. I think he's a him. No, you're no, he's he's not Mario. But I'm male. Yeah. Yeah. You're male. And I can prove it. Oh no. Is your penis big that noise? No one has ever seen that except I'm sure there's some fan art. You know, I'm really at a loss this morning.

Um, I have a brother. In this Airbnb. Can we just go back to your mansion? Yeah. Okay. Come here. There's ghosts and stuff like that there, right? Oh, am I king? That's time passing. You're not King Koopa. You wish. I wish I was. Yeah, we all do.

There's ghosts in my mansion. I mean, no. There's not? The guy that you hate, there's ghosts in his mansion. The guy that I hate. Yeah. You know your good buddy Wario? Yeah. I'm Donkey Kong you're not

don't you know oh my god the nerve of this guy the ego who the fuck am I toad no you're not fucking toad Luigi mmm you wish so. You know what? I think one of the reasons- You're Luigi's lanky rival. I'm Waluigi. Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss You got it. You got it. I fell off the Mario train after the initial, his initial appearances. The new movie is fun. I've heard it's fun, but there's a lot I don't know about the games because I have not played them. Yeah.

I mean, I played them a lot as a kid, but then, you know, many advanced stuff have made. It's time to put away childish things. Of course. Without love, I'm like a clanging gong. Are we doing one more? Yeah, one more, and you, I'm like a clanging gong. Are we doing one more? Yeah, one more. And you text it to Paul about me.

And be, be, be bold, be brave. Take no prisoners, you know. Yes. OK. Hi, everybody. This is not an Airbnb. Obviously, you're standing at a podium. Yeah. Would Airbnb come with a podium? I don't think so. why did you say that?

I just wanted everyone to be comfortable here, you know, on the steps of City Hall, because, you know, you hear about it, you never go to visit, really, you know, but this is it, City Hall looks good, right? You think at this point in history where we are right now and you having the position that you do do would your ancestors be proud of you? My ancestors that's so hard because I haven't seen them in so long Yeah, they're ancestors. Yeah, I've ever seen them. I saw my grandpa. Maybe I was thinking farther back than that farther back than my grandpa

There's so many murders in this city. What are you gonna do about it? I Mean, I'm good. I'm probably going to going to investigate it. Would I do something like that? Does that sound like me? It would be helpful. Maybe you get your whole team on it. Yeah. My whole team. Yeah, I'll get my team on this. Yeah. Who are the members of my team again? Like who would you like to see on this investigation? The usual gang, listen. All the people you've hired over the years. What do you say to people who say, you might as well be a chicken

for how closely you're related to one? That I may as well be a chicken? Yeah. To how closely I'm related to a chicken? Yeah. You heard me. Yeah, so. Okay, so.

Are you looking up related to chicken on your laptop? No, no. I'm just saying that a guy like me, Theodore Rex, would. Yay! All right, that's it. We did it. That's press conference, everybody. That was. Again, if you'd like to send us a feature, write to us at threedomusa.gmail.com.

And if you'd like to call us, if you want to leave us a voicemail for our threemium episodes that we do every other week, then just go to the website, you know it, hagclaims8.com and leave us a voicemail. I don't know how that works and I'm not gonna look it up. I actually went to it last night and I see how it works. So it's very simple.

You just press the record button on there. Yep. But then you have to talk. That sounds too simple. You have to talk? You have to talk. Oh yeah, you can't just press the button and it records your Yep. But then you have to talk. That sounds too simple. You have to talk? You have to talk. Oh yeah, you can't just press the button and it records your thoughts. That's too bad.

And if you want, on Tuesdays we put out our old episodes. That's called Three Visiting on the Twos. They're out from behind the paywall and they are fun. And every other week we put out our three meme episodes. That's at CBB World and also Apple Podcast Premium. And follow us at Freedom USA on Instagram. Please do. Oh my gosh.

So much going on there. So much good stuff going down. We're begging you. We're begging you. Perfect. We'll see you next week. Thanks so much for listening. Time to eat lunch.

Bye. Lauren really means that. Bye. Do you ever get hit with a cringy memory of your 13 year old self out of nowhere and suddenly you're panic sweating and laughing at the same time? Don't worry, don't worry.

We all get that. It's because being an adolescent is one of the most visceral shared experiences we have as people and we want to talk about it. Join me, Penn Badgley and my two friends, Nav and Sophie on Podcrushed as we interview celebrity guests about the joys and horrors of being a teenager and how those moments made them who they are today. New episodes of Podcrushed are out on April 24th wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Elise Myers. I'm a content creator and comedian. You might know me from TikTok. Why am I

in your ears right now? Well, that's a great question. I would love to tell you. I have a new podcast called funny because it's true. On my show, I'll be interviewing comedians, pop culture icons, and also just people I find really funny. We'll be talking about the awkward moments that keep you awake at night. Because if you don't laugh, you cry, right? Okay, funny because it's true. Out now wherever you get your podcasts.