Threedom - You Got a Dell, Dick

Episode Date: April 23, 2026

Scott, Lauren, and Paul discuss the Paul McCartney concert, a new TV show, and hard drives before responding to a listener voicemail. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/shopSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Cindy may be a girl who just wants to have fun, but for 40 years she has brought playfulness and a dash of punk to some serious activism. We talk about her lifelong LGBTQ plus advocacy, her astonishing music career, and pick up a whole lot of wisdom along the way. Listen now only on Amazon music included with Prime. Why don't you try it? I think I will try it. Here goes. Freedom! Yeah, that was great, guys.

I loved that. I love that. I like doing it. So cool. Can we talk about how I punked your asses? Yeah. Okay, so this is. Full disclosure.

This is coming out. Who cares what it's coming out? They know what it's coming out. We don't have to know. A little bit after this date. But we're recording today on a little day. The layman people, the layman people call. The Lehman people.

The Lehman brothers. The layman people came to our land. People call it April Fool's Day. And we're recording on April Fool's Day. and we're recording on April Fool's Day. And Paul and I are sitting here at 10.0. We're recording at 10 a.m. We're sitting here at 10.03.

And we get the most surprising text. Surprising because Lauren is usually very good about her schedule. And she's not here. She's late. It's 10.03. And we get a text saying, That's not uncommon for somebody to be a couple minutes. Sure.

Sure. That's barely late in L.A. It's barely legal. I will say Lauren usually lets us know. if she's going to be a few minutes later or something. So we didn't get anything like this. No. We're not alarmed at this point, but we get this text that says,

shit, are we recording today? And I was just so excited. Because we both bought it. I knew it was going to work. But I timed it. I was getting so excited because I drove up the street and I thought, I actually just thought about sending it to be funny. And then I go, oh, it's April Fool's Day.

So you were going to punk us regardless. And I go, oh, I was so perfect. So then I get so excited. and I go, I don't want to do too soon because I want to be able to walk in right after they, but I want to make sure they get it. Yeah. And you don't want to show up when Paul shows up. And I, exactly.

And I don't want to text. I don't want to text just kidding. Right. I want to say it in person. I don't think just kidding. Park the car. I texted. Harvard yard.

I see Paul writing back, which fills me with excitement. You were spying on us? I see the dot, dot, dot. Oh, oh. And then, no, that would be really cool. I was in the window. And then you wrote, uh, yeah, you responded to the, the email, yes.

By the way, when it happened, I don't think that's necessary. I just started laughing and Paul was like, okay, I was like, I don't quite know what to say this. Hey, throw me up in my headphones. And then I, uh, I can hear everything else fine except me. Well, why don't you switch, uh, talk louder. Switch inputs, bitch. And then I ran, my good bitch.

I gleefully ran down the steps into the room and I shouted, April Fool. motherfuckers. Sluts is actually what I said. Did you say slut? You guys were laughing so hard, you couldn't even hear it. I didn't hear the sluts part. I didn't say so. But I'm proud to be a slut.

Yeah, I am. I have slut pride. I'm a slut for freedom. Mm-hmm. Anyway, it was really exciting. That was really good. I wish our listeners had chosen sluts instead of piss pigs.

I know, but. It would be a lot more comfortable to say. By the way, I would be more comfortable saying it. It sounds more, you know. Hey, sluts. I met a nice, uh, pisc pig. Hey, just, I just want to say I'm a slut. I just have to tell you, I'm a slut.

love. I met a nice piss pig at Paul McCartney. I met a nice piss pig at Paul McCarthy. Was he from Liverpool? And was he on stage? He was. He pointed to me and said, Oh,

freedom is better than the Beatles. Which is bigger than Jesus, of course. And he said, I don't want to say it, but I'm a piss pig. Well, my piss pig's out there. And then he played the theme.

Yes. He played, yeah. And everyone was like, huh? Freedom! He did it to the tune of Jet, too. It was like,

freedom. Beating. do do do do. But she was very nice. The piss pig was a woman. And she... Damn, the piss pig was a woman. It was after the show and I was having trouble hearing a bit.

And I was like, what? And she's like, I'm a piss bitch. Music drops up. Yeah. Did you a tinnitus act up? My tinnitus. No, it was just a loud show. And we were, you know, right up.

front right by this. Wow, you were up front at Paul McCartney. Yes, it was incredible. That's fancy. You can hear all about it on the... Hey, get your feet off the stage. Will Hines podcast. I won't listen to that.

I want to hear it right now. No, no. Okay. Why can't we hear? You can ask me questions about it. I don't want to go into the whole stuff. Okay. Would you go with?

Yeah. True or false? Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott. False. You went with Kulav. False. You went by yourself. False.

Just tell us who you went with. You want with you, Guma? Yep. I don't want to disclose her name on this podcast. Oh, sure. You need to be a CBB world subscriber for me to disclose the name of my gumma. Oh, Lily. No, I went with Brett.

Nice. Morris, the biggest Paul McCartney fan in the world. Is that so? He loves him. Wow. Great. And I surprised him. Were there for like the sound check and everything?

We were there for the sound check. How did you surprise him? He thought. thought he was shit out of luck because he couldn't get tickets. He didn't win the lot. You had to win a lottery to buy tickets. And he didn't win the lottery. And then his friends that he's on the podcast with about the Beatles got tickets.

And he was feeling really low. And I didn't know if I was going to get tickets. So I never brought it up to him or anything. But I got these tickets and then called him. And I was like, hey, what are you doing Friday night? And he goes, kicking rocks. He was, he sounded kind of sad. He was like.

Kicking rocks that I painted, looked like the Beatles. he was kind of like What did the other three do? Nothing they were dead Nothing I guess I was like well I want to invite you to something A rock and roll show He goes oh fuck are you going to say Paul McCartney

Wow that's very sweet Yeah so And did he know all the words Luckily Paul only sang the ABC song Over and over and over so we all knew all the words That's good Next time what you sing with me? I don't call them

words, but that's cool. What are the lyrics to the ABCs? What are the words? The first word is A. But I met a nice piss pig, but I don't know that our female listeners would want to call themselves sluts. They shouldn't have to do anything they don't want to do. They don't have to say piss pigs.

They don't, but they take a lot of joy and saying it. You think that they're more comfortable with piss pigs than slugs? They are weirdly. you can also, I'm going to give you some, I'm going to give you some slack here, people, and you can say I'm a P-P. And I'll, I'll meet you in the slack chain about this. I will not take P-P-P-I. I'll say what? What do you mean every time? Do you mean a P-Pig? I would take a Piss P-P or a P-Pig. Okay, that's fine. Yeah. Just so it's clear what we're talking about. You're a nation swine. Yeah.

You're a nation of swine. That's a beautiful. That's what we say to our listeners. That's a nation of swine. That is what Rorschach said. We're not, he, he, he, we're not, he's, he's, he's trapped in here with us. We're trapped in here with him. Yes, you're a nation of swine. And, and, and, and you were very close to the stage. We were because the, the tickets that, the only tickets that were available were the super

expensive ones where you got to go into sound check. Oh, so what choice did you have? You went to sound check. With the sound check, yes. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. Which he played 15 songs, uh, and it was over an hour and they were songs that, We're not in.

And that was the concert, quote unquote? Like, that's what you saw. Or you stayed for the next part. No. No, and then we stayed for the concert. Paul, stop acting like I'm an idiot. He's explaining it to you. He's trying to help.

She's asking normal questions. You're so impatient. I thought maybe the lottery thing meant that you could only go to this part. No. I didn't know. What kind of lottery would that be? I don't even like this whole lottery thing to begin with. If you don't win the lottery, you might also, you might just win tickets to Hamilton.

No, I won the, when I say I won the lottery, I won the California State Lottery, which didn't make the money to. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, exactly. And then you could order Paul McCartney to do this. Yes. So you went to Soundcheck. If you win the lottery, you can order Paul McCartney to do anything. No, I didn't know this was a thing.

So you went to Soundcheck and it was all full as if the concert was happening. It was that many people or no. No, it was only 150 of us. Oh. VIP. You know all this warning? Yeah, I heard about this. Wow.

Through bread, I would imagine. This is amazing. A hundred fifty. My friend Paul told me about it. That's basically a private concert. It was. It was really, really cool. It was great.

And where was the concert? At a small theater, the Fondo, which only has 1,200 seats. That's such a while. I can't imagine that experience. Yeah. I was picturing a huge. No, it was already a small theater. I didn't know that it was the sound check tickets that I bought.

And so the day before, they sent me an email saying, hey, here's the schedule, sound check here. And I was like, what? I'm not doing the show. I don't want to watch some guys say siblings and children. a microphone. Check one, too. Which people complaining. But yeah, so we went, we saw the sound check, which was amazing.

Was it clear on the information that he will play during the soundtrack? Like, I mean, I think, I don't know that I would immediately go. I'm not going to go to the sound check. I don't know that I would know that. We didn't know to what extent he would play. So when the first thing he did was when he came. Well, first of all, Paul, you'll enjoy this. Oh.

When he walked in through the front. Or take a breather. All right. He walked in through the front door and, you know, went around. talking to every security guard and shaking their hands and all this kind of stuff. And then he walked into the room where we all were waiting for him for a sound check. And everyone went, yeah. And he looked at us surprised and then went,

Oh! I just mind playing guitar. Like, oh, you guys are fans of this instrument or this genre of music? He's so strange. I really love him. He's so strange. And then I watched video of him outside arriving and he gets out of the car and everyone screams and he is shocked, you know, pretends to be shocked.

And he goes, for me? That's true. Which is so funny. He's funny. So, yeah, so he started with just like a seven-minute blues jam where they were playing guitar back and forth. And I was kind of like, I wonder if this is it. Is this him just like jamming or whatever?

And then he just kept playing songs. He just kept like playing covers and his own songs. That is so exciting. Temporary secretary and ram on. and all this kind of stuff. And he got out the, you know, just different instruments. And it was, it was crazy. He played Lady Madonna and, you know, just.

Did you film on your phone? No, we had to lock up our phones during the show. Wow. Even better in some ways. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to see everyone's phone. I'm like.

Because you can also say whatever you want and we have no choice but to believe it. Yeah. That's true. Yeah, you probably lied about everything you just said. Huh. Isn't that interesting. So I did see Brett the other day and he was talking about the concert a bit. And then Nicole Parker, because we were recording,

ever listen, she had a Paul McCartney story where she was at some she sang at some fundraiser or something like that. I think it's like Elton John or something. So a lot of... Fundraiser for Elton John? Yeah. He just needs some funds. I want to get some new crazy glasses.

You'd be surprised by how much they cost. Sorry to talk over you were. My old Donald Duck costume is threadbare and worn. So she sang a song. Paul McCartney was there and she could like see him unfortunately.

Oh, wow. Oh, no. Highline. But then afterwards, she was, like, walking near him, and he went, Big voice.

Oh, that's so nice. And she sang something from West Side Story. Hmm. And he said, you know, Sondheim wrote the lyrics. Yeah, I know.

Oh, my God. They talked about Sondheim for a little bit. Oh, it wasn't even just a pass-by. No, really, no. Oh, that's nice. That's so nice. That's so great. Even that would have been cool.

That's amazing. She was like losing her mind. Yeah, of course. You know, I mean, that's an extreme example, but like of seeing someone in the audience and whatever. But like, I think I've just been talking about this lately that I prefer to not know if anyone at all is. I don't want to know anyone is going to be at any show I ever do. I don't want to know if I know if they're famous. I don't want to know.

I don't want to know if it's my best friend. I don't want to know that either. Yeah. But even like, even if it's someone I really am close with and like them and they're great and there's no, I don't feel any pressure from them. There's nothing like that. I still am thinking, oh, they would probably think that was funny or something like it's. runs through your head. I have a strict rule.

I don't want to think about it. Only tell me if it's somebody from backstage or backstage west. That's it. Because you're hoping you're cast? Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. Who knows? But it was a great experience.

And then we were let, we got to pick our spots in the arena first, too. So that's why Brett and I were right there. Well, that is super cool. I'm sorry. Was it a small theater or was it an arena? Did I say arena? Yeah, you did. And now your story is suspect.

I was talking about Irina, Bradley Cooper's ex-wife or girlfriend. Why would you? Because seeing Paul McCartney reminds me of her. Why would you know Bradley Cooper's ex-wife's name? He has kids with her, I believe. Doesn't he? That doesn't.

So you don't know that? You don't know any Hollywood gossip? I know some. Is she in the biz or is she a civilian? Who's Goldie Hawn's partner? Well, Kurt Russell. Why do you know that? Creep.

Why are you so obsessed with celebrities? Because Goldie Hawn is my mother. Oh my gosh. You're Wyatt Russell? Plot twist. I wish. You're Paul Russell? I'm Paul Russell.

Paul Russell. You're Paul Hahn. How's it feel to have a verb as a last name? Feels great. Mm-hmm. Feels great. I feel like Tom Waits. Tom waits and waits and waits.

Oh my gosh. Anyway, that was my weekend. I hope that you guys had... Mine was just as cool. Tell me what you think of this idea. Yeah, me too. Tell me what you think of this idea. Okay.

Paul McCartney. Okay. I like that idea. How many years does he have left on this earth? Why do you start like that? Well, I'm going to tell you why. Okay. He's already, by the way, blown 20 past his well-old of 64.

Remember when he turned 64 and every article was like, oh, he's fine? Did any of these things come true? Yeah. He's probably going to be like 95. He seems like somebody who's just. going to. He'll be long-lived. Yeah.

Yeah. He'll be like a little wrinkle guy giving him a thumbs up all the time. I also wonder like how often does he get a colonoscopy and. Probably every day. You wonder that? Yeah. Probably every day. It's time for my morning.

I got a lot of looking at Beatles accent. I never really try that. Do you have to do it on mic? When he walks in, he has surprised and then mimes a colonoscopy. Everywhere he goes. Yeah, surprise and mimes what happens there. You put this in my book? Okay.

You want to do what? In my butt? What, what? In the butt. What, what? In the butt. What, what? In the book. Make a break.

In your book. What if... Do they put a light in there? No, that's an Eddie Murphy's. For a... This is, this is... Can we talk about his documentary? I liked it.

Okay. Go ahead. It's great. I think we did talk about it. Yeah. This requires some advanced preparation. Mm-hmm. And advanced team.

Preparation H. It requires preparation H. For under your... guys. Oh, old wives tales. Reduce the bags. Old wives tale. Whatever.

Urban legend. A folk remedy. Yeah, there we go. Folk remedy. I don't think I've heard that. People submit a list of unlikely covers. Here's what I was thinking of. What if he did, man, I feel like a woman.

Yeah. What if he did? Baby got back. I bet. What if he did kiss the rain? I look big boats and I cannot love. Kiss the rain. No, what is it?

Kiss the rain. You don't remember that song. Kiss the rain or ring. Whenever I'm lonely or whatever. Wherever you go, whatever you do. No. I'll be right there. Kissing the rain.

Well, it seemed unlikely. You don't even remember it. I mean, that would be very unlikely. Do you want me to look it up? You don't remember this music video? Maybe it just stuck with me as a kid. But like if you, so if people kissing the rain can send in. Kiss the rain.

You know, like. Kiss the right. Dilley Myers. Suggestions for the set, right? Yeah. And obviously it's whittled down, but it has to be songs that he would never cover in a million years. Right.

But it's not like you're trying to, but you have to approach it like, I think it would sound good. Okay. So it can't be a funny cover. No, it's not like to make him do a stupid song. I do wonder sometimes like all,

every cover that he does is an old 50 song from someone he looked up to, you know, like a Carl Perkins song. Yeah. He did Midnight Special. you know at the sound check and stuff like that but you know what I mean like I was kind of like I wonder if he ever hear something like pink pony club I was just singing pink pony club that was so weird I wonder if this would sound good if I did it yeah exactly yeah yeah something like that yeah that would be cool okay here's a little here's a little kiss to the rain I'd be surprised this is not it well no it's the an ad for uh fernet

bronca why are we promoting companies the gall they have to advertise all right here we go oh this sounds good Oh, dang. This is the pollicle. I don't want to wait for you. Oh, yes. The Jerry McGuire song? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, the Springsteen song? Yeah. I called the Jeremy. I only had a Jerry McGuire version that I downloaded from Napster that had talking from Jerry McGuire in it. The Secret Garden, right? Did they still do that? Well, I mean, they did.

Play dialogue over top of things. That's so funny. I loved it. Through to you. Hello. Hello. How's the weather? There must be a version of my heart will go on with dialogue from Titanic, right?

Oh, yeah, there has to be. And then he could sing that. Let me, my heart will go on with dialogue. Yeah. What if he made a little jaunty? For the listener, Lauren was miming, like holding a guitar. Kind of how he would do. Okay, first there's a ad for spam a lot.

comedy that will have you laugh in your coconut. Okay. Are you ready to go back to Titanic? It starts with him. He says, are you ready to go back to Titanic? I did not anticipate that at all. Good impression. They did.

They say Titanic that many times in Titanic. I wonder, you know, the movie game where you clap anytime you hear the title, the title, that must be impossible with Titanic. on the Secret Garden one with the Jerry McGuire dialogue. Please. I just love, it's, it's my birthday. Could you play? Sometimes it's so fun, like how sometimes the internet's upsetting, but sometimes it's fun when you can just go, I can look up anything ever and it's there.

Yes. That's cool. There's a Reddit thread. Okay. Do you know what's also fun when something is not there? Yes. And you're like, seriously? I can't find this at all?

Oh, yeah. I was trying to find a song for CBBFM the other day. I was just about to tell you. I listened to this. So many times. I do. I love him. I love him.

I love him for the man that he wants to be. They love him for the man that he already is. Oh, almost. Okay. Who's she talking to? Laurel. Fran? Urkel.

Laurel. Hey, Herkow. What's up? I'm, Erkel. I see you out there. Can you imagine Bruce Springsteen seeing Urkel in the audience while he plays? I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is.

Wow. I love him. So you don't love the man he is. No, but he's almost there. Yeah. I got to rewatch that. I think if I heard my wife say that, I'd be upset, I think. Right.

What if you heard your future wife say that? Oh, yeah. She's not even your, she's the wife she almost is. I mean, it would definitely start a conversation. Like, what does that mean? Yeah. What do you mean by that? All right, we have to take a break.

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Terms and conditions, you better believe they apply. I don't know about you, Paul. Well, what would you like to know? Okay, well, let me tell you something about myself and I'll see if you relate. Okay, I like. I like things too. I like. What's that song?

I like I can't remember any example but it's permeated through my brain I love you too Anyway, I like keeping my money where I can see it But I don't like big wireless carriers Yeah, I know this

Yeah so after years of overpaying Dealing with bogus fees And these quote unquote free perks That actually cost more I finally just I gave up not on life. I gave up and I switched to Mint Mobile. I'm so glad because I was watching you do all those things

and it was tearing my heart out. Yeah. It looked so stupid. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless plans starting at just $15 a month. All plans come with high speed data, unlimited talk and text, and they're delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can bring your own phone and number,

activate with ESIM in minutes, and start saving immediately. No long-term contracts in Scott. I don't know if you're going to live this. I hate hassles, is it about those? No hassle. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.

I am so happy that I switched to Mitt Mobile. The service is fast. It's reliable. And guess what? With all that money that I have in my bank account, I've started betting Polly Market, and I'm now a trillion. Oh, okay. You know what? I was worried.

I feel great for you. Yeah. So anyway, I'm saving so much. If you like your money, like Scott does, MintMobile is for you. Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's mintmobile.com slash freedom. Upfront payment of $45 for three-month five-gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month.

New customer offer for first three months only, then full-price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra see MintMobile for details. You know, this time of year, it always makes me rethink what is in my closet. You know what I mean? This time of year makes me think about weird bugs. Yeah, I know. Yeah, that's usually what's in my closet.

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Do do do do. I love him. I sort of love him. I love the idea of him. I love him in the future. That I love him. I do. I love him.

I love him. And I don't care what you think. I love him to be. If you don't care what I think, why are you telling me? She's talking to Bonnie Hunt, by the way. Oh, she's so great. Bonnie Hunt.

Bonnie Hunt. I just was watching Cheaper by the dozen the other day with Holly. What did Holly think of it? Was she like, this is me? She liked it a bit. Mommy, this movie's mid. I think she liked it a bit. You know, lots of kid action happening.

I just skip over the part where he gets, Steve Martin gets a vasectomy yet they still have more kids. I was like, they tell a lot of backstory about how they got 12 kids at the top. And then she's like, and then my sister died. I was like fast forward, fast. Lots of like, there's some adult themes. Okay. But, um.

Wait, how did they have more kids if he had a vasectomy? It didn't. They didn't wait long enough because they're supposed to wait. Like, I think you got to shoot like 12 times. times after you do it and then you can have and then you're going clear oh because there's some stored in there yeah yeah I mean obviously I would think that is that what scientology is all about is getting vasectives yeah I would think that my wife is cheating on me if that happened yeah but I would think it regardless and with the doctor no they who made up this lie point enough that I think

he knew it was his please don't say sorry boff thank okay thank you that's much better but Bonnie hunt Fabulous. Funny on, it's great. Funny on. My hack for the movie Mary Poppins, by the way, start 15 or 20 minutes in. Okay. I don't remember the beginning of that. It's all the original movie?

Yeah. It's all like, Emmy loves it. We watched the whole thing once and I was like, the first 15 minutes, I was like, oh my God, this is so boring. She's going to hate this. And she loved it and actually memorized a lot of the songs just from seeing it once and would sing them like around. And I was like, so she really loved it.

But the next time I was like, all right, we're cutting out this first 15 minutes. Because before she showed. shows up. It's just so boring. Oh, and a lot of those old movies will have like, just a miserable family. 15 minutes of like credits on the screen with just a song and you're like, we got to get to the action. Like 101 Dalmatians has a beautiful opening, but it still takes a long time to get you. The Ridge? Yeah. Yeah. We have to talk about the show that Paul and I are in love with right now.

Okay. And I don't know if you're watching this show. Before we get into that. What? I do want to say there was something very exciting happened to us today. What? To both of you? To you too. To me too? What happened? What happened? What I do? We have a group thread with many friends and spouses. And today. Wives and lovers. Sure.

One of them who is a constant silent presence. Silent presence. Can we ever shimes? Can we rank the chatiness? Well, I don't want to say who's on it. Yeah. Yeah. Great idea.

But I think I would be right above this person. You think you'd think you'd. chime in not at all? Hardly ever, yeah. I mean, you'd be a right above that person, but it doesn't mean, I mean, compared to nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you do. No, but everyone, everyone else chimes in more than I. That's true. That's true. I guess that's true. I would say. I am, I was very surprised. She, she texted a few times today. Yeah. And almost to the point where I was like, the threat is different now. Yeah, it just hits different. Has she been reading all of this the whole time? It makes you wonder. She is. I, I was at a wedding with her.

recently and remember the last time she chimed in, I forced her to because we were at a wedding and I watched her reading the text. I'm like, so you're reading them. Because she won't even give a tap back. No. That's shocking. I was like so you. So because I got the alert that one of you guys texted the thread and I looked out on my phone. Then I looked to my left and she picked up her phone and read them. And I was like, so you're reading all of these. But you're never responding. She's like, yeah, I just don't have anything to say. So it's like a fun. Which I buy. It's like a funny show to her. She's enjoying. By the way, she's hilarious and she's like a TV writer who is like extremely talented where she could have very funny things to be saying at all times and we would welcome those comments. And she just said, I have nothing to say. She's like for her, it's a busman's holiday.

She doesn't want to be saying, you know, giving away for free. This is my time to not be funny. Now, what's a busman's holiday? Because I agreed with you. Busman's holiday, I think, is where the bus driver just takes the bus out and drives around. Yeah. And he loves it.

And he has such a good time. He fucking loves it. And he stops at every stop. Yeah. And he says, no, he can't get on. It's a busman.

He always says, say this for me. It's my time. We're riding on a bus man's holiday. Man, the Lindsay Low Han holiday song. That's what I was just. Oh,

I don't know that one. Which holiday? A low hand holiday or something like that? A low hand holiday. There's something about that. Okay. I'm going to look better. Yes.

My, childhood friends down Lowhan Holiday is the 2006 debut pop Christmas album by Allie Lohan. Oh, okay. Who? Is that part of the family? I think that's, is she? She's a sister.

Oh, she's a sister. Okay. Another great family. And my childhood friends down the street, their grandfather was a trolley driver. We used to have trolleys in Philadelphia. Did he ever, like, the track was going to split and he could kill, he could run over one person.

Every day, it was on the route. Oh, wow. And did he ever say clang, clang, clang, went this thing that I'm on? Yes, he did. He would say that at the end of every shift. And did he ever have little puppets come out of the windows like a Mr. Rogers?

Twice. Okay. And we got to ride the trolley with him. Ride, trolley, ride. Did he ever say that? He said it all the time. Okay. They didn't pick up any pass.

years and was just he was just giving us a little ride oh fine i got to fucking pull the thing what it makes his penis clang oh yeah he wanted to pull the thing i was a little boy and he was a he was an older man i'm sorry sorry that there was such an age gap you brought why are you this is you're sickening to me speaking of age i'm saying what my yes who's watching age of attraction i'm not i watched all that i'm waiting for the oh the reunions tonight the reunion is on the podcast though what it's not a TV special. You know what? Good. It's on a podcast? It's on his, the host. No, they said it was airing April

first. And his wife. It's like a YouTube like, oh, okay, I can still watch people. Oh, you still watch. No, you can still watch the people. I want to see the people talking. You just still watch these disgusting people. I need to see it. I like there was one review of age of attraction, by the way, that was like, so these people

get sequestered with a bunch of people and they're told you can't ask what age they are. And they all look exactly the age that they are. No, the show is, I have like so many thoughts about the show and it's it's actually, give me two. Okay. I think it's twisted because I actually think they're setting them up to have the,

I don't think age gaps are that insane generally, whatever. It depends on how wide the gap is. That's not my problem with the show. Mind the gap. But it's when they are revealing their age and it's so shocking. I'm like, well, you've already gotten this far with this person. So now it's almost like the age gap is a, is like considered like gross or weird. where you, if you had just said it off the bat,

that means you wouldn't have dated someone if they were 22, then I think you shouldn't be on the show. You know, it's just like it becomes like this. Like you're coming on the show knowing that it might be an age. What's the premise? You don't know how old the people are? No. So it's just a mixer and then they don't know.

And then they have to move in together once they commit to each other, they say each other's ages. Then they move in together. Then they introduce each other to their families. How do this get on television? Because it's gold. It's like the kind of. Because it feels like love is blind.

It's gold. And while you're waiting for Love is Blind to be on. Yeah, we just want that back. Love is old. We'll watch this. Love is old. This woman is in her late 50s or some. And she's dating a guy who's her children's age.

Yeah. He's younger than, no, he's 27. He's younger than one of our kids. And she's all like, my kids are going to hate this. Then what are you doing? What are you doing? And there was a 60-year-old man with a 22-year-old girl and he had kids probably her age. I was like, stop what you're doing.

And you know yourself. 60, even if you look younger or whatever. Yeah. I like that he was dyeing his beard. But not his hair on his head. Well, yeah, he had like salt and pepper hair, but his, his beard was jet black. And then he goes, I'm 60. And then cut to the next week.

When the beard's grown out. When they're moved in together and he's let it growed out. But it was just like, come on, bro. Yeah, you're 60. Was it two tone or was it fully? It was two tone at that point, but it was growing out. No, that's terrible. But, um, that was a tough relationship.

It's like Steve Agee's character on Peacemaker. Oh, yeah. Can we talk about the show that I want to talk about? So, yeah, what are you? So Paul and I, now I think you were on this tip before I was. Mike started watching this. And then I was like, what are you watching? This is amazing.

I have to watch this. The show is called Last One Laughing, UK. The UK edition is what we're talking about. The UK edition is where it's... Last One Laughing. So the premise of the show is how many 10 comedians or 12 comedians move into... Are in a house for six hours of one day. But the episodes are...

30 minutes each. But they all bring luggage. And they act like they're living in a house together. But they, the only thing is they cannot laugh. If you laugh, you are kicked out. And so whoever is the last person to not laugh wins.

So early on you get like, you get one laugh. And you get a yellow card. Yes. Okay. Wow. And if you get a second time you're out, then as it goes on,

they get stricter and stricter about it. And the UK, I've watched, I've glimced at other countries. UK is where. That's the one. That's it. That's the one.

The humor is elite. Yes. The people are hilarious and interesting. I watched season two first, not because I just wanted to jump in. And then now I went back and watched season one. And I love, okay, so Bob Mortimer is we have to talk about. Yes. I love this man.

Bob Mortimer is a national treasure in the UK. Were you familiar with him? Yes, yes, yes, yes. I was not. He is, he's just otherworldly. He's amazing. Yes. He is so funny.

He looks kind of like Martin Freeman to me. I see that. He has this like likable father and son. Oh, is he on Taskmaster? He's on Taskmaster. He's got this very charming likable face and his eyes

like have like you can tell that he's like gleeful inside because he can't laugh. Yes. But there's he's so charming and he's so funny and his humor is so unexpected to me every time. And they all say he's like the funniest guy. Yes. They revere him.

He was on a show in the early 90s that he was a host of for like 11 years or something that I looked up called like star something shooting stars and they so I'm assuming most of these other comedians grew up watching him oh yeah he's a certified legend he's he's incredible yeah so he is on season I'm not going to give it away but he's on season one and he is also on season two and it's it's like delightful yeah wow I I imagine also like it must be hard you will find out how often you have the urge to laugh politely at something or you know or to make someone feel welcome or something like that, you know. Yeah, because there's even points where, like, a celebrity will come in and, like,

you would want to smile and meet them, but then, like, they can't even smile. They can't even smile. No, you can't smile. Oh, wow. Yeah, early on, you can sort of smile maybe. You can, like, a little bit, like, like, purse your lips and like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But people start making really funny faces to try to laugh.

Like, Mel is, like, my favorite on season two. Oh, that sounds really funny. But she's always, like, opening her mouth, like, she's like, she's like, she's like, can you imagine it with, like, like, I wonder if they ever tried it with non-comedians or whatever. Oh my God. Like regular people and then you find out just like how... Unfunny everyone is.

Or not even unfunny, but just like... Guess what I already knew. There are certain people, I would imagine, who'd never laugh in their life. Yeah, I was picturing like real housewives or something in how like it just wouldn't work. Like you... It's all comedians. There are different like levels. Like some are more famous than others, whatever.

And they all kind of know each other from the scene. Yeah. But like, so I was picturing like all funny comedy bang bang people are whatever, like doing this and how I would... Are you playing a harp? I think so. No, that was my doorbell. I apologize.

But I'm like, if we had like us and Gabris and Lily and like, you know, just like putting in like the funniest people and everyone just talking to each other because they'll just talk, they'll try to talk about something totally benign, but it's still funny because they're funny people. They're going back and forth between what seems like just regular conversation into like something crazy. Yes. And Bob is very good at that.

I have to get my doorbell. Oh, okay. Okay. It is also interesting to see what people's breaking point is because it's like... Sometimes it's so random. Sometimes you're, you know, two people in our conversation and then somebody says something and the other person has to walk away to avoid laughing. Right.

And it's weird because it always comes out of nowhere. No, and the best thing I love, they'll put people head to head. So sometimes I try to get like some action going. And so they'll put two comedians like sitting across from each other and make them do like a prompt. Like so you're on a first date or like you're on a speed dating. And so they have to improvise like a funny scene. Yeah.

And you can't even smile. Like it's so, it's just, it's delightful. And I've been, and you know what I love so much like, it seems like there's no money involved. No. And so I maybe they're paid, of course, to be on. But like there's not like a prize money. There's never charity. I found it delightful because I was like, there's nothing that's just joyful.

Yeah. I don't even, like, I love charity, but I don't want to hear about a charity at this point. I want to just be happy that he didn't laugh. Yeah. It's like, because these are all established people. So it's not like you're doing it for exposure. Yeah.

It really does seem like, do you want to do this goofy show? It's just fun. It's a day. That's what I like about. You shoot for one day. It's a day with fun people. Yes.

That's what I like certain UK shows is it just seems like people do them to have fun. Yes. Rather than whatever. No, and I was thinking about this too. Like I was just like, I've always loved British humor. But I also was thinking there's,

I think there's been a little shift. And I wonder if you have noticed this or think about this with like the internet changing making like comedy a little more universal. Like there's not as much of a divide between types of humor. Like I feel like when I was growing up, British humor was like really specifically one thing. And maybe I'm off base or it's just what I saw.

Maybe you're crazier. Maybe I'm nuts. But I was curious if you guys thought about this at all. Like when watching this show, I was like, I would kill to be in the room with those people. Like they're all so funny. I love everything they're doing. And maybe that's just getting older

and understanding things more. But I don't know. What do you think? That's interesting. I think probably getting older is part of it because I think you have an appreciation of more things. Yeah. There's more things you understand and it seems less esoteric.

Yeah. Because even when I don't understand the references, it's still funny. Like I still get it. I feel like older people, there's less things you like. Like for the most part. But I'm talking about beautiful artists like us. Yes.

Open-minded. The most beautiful. Like physically attractive. Beautiful artists. No, that's what I meant. Yeah, of course. We're beautiful artists. I'm gorgeous.

That sounds really good. It reminds me, A, of when Harris Whittles came on comedy, bang, bang, and said, I'm just going to do a straight character who'd never, my intention is to never say anything funny. And within 20 seconds, he was making jokes. Like, he just couldn't help it. That's so funny. It was very, very funny. But it also reminded me of doing the show, make me laugh, which, Paul, did you ever do it? I can't remember.

Oh, yes, I did. So I remember watching that at, like, growing up. It was not going to. That was more like a who's line type stage where they'd have, like, audience around you, and then you'd be sitting in the. the chair and then comedians would come up to me like yeah yeah yeah okay yeah and you had water in your mouth so the audience no you did no okay no that's the internet yeah I'm now mixing and they slap you with a tortilla

isn't that the thing didn't I see a video the other day about people bringing and stuff from home and they had water in their mouth that's a really funny like internet it was like it was so you all put water in your mouth then you pull out random shit from your bag right like you have to bring one thing from your house and it has to be I feel like I just heard about this and there was like some somebody said Oh, because there was somebody posted a video on Blue Sky is a TikTok of these guys, these like, you know, cool looking dudes and they're standing in a semicircle and they're all like these smooth players, right? And the idea is they just go up one at a time and make animal noises.

And they're all trying not to laugh at each other. I love these things. Yeah. It's just so like heartwarming. Yeah, it is. People having fun. Like the ones with the water in your mouth are very funny because it's just, you just fill your mouth of water and then you all know you're going to pull out something random but like the thing that

makes people break is often it's just like it's well what i what i loved about that one you don't even know why the person finds it so funny was that people were bringing like people would slap down a random thing like a package of 12 hot dogs or whatever it would almost make people laugh but then someone at the beginning slapped down an iron and people are like ha ha you know sort of laughing and then the very last person did the exact same iron it made them all like we'll spit out the water Somebody referenced one of those where they said these Catholic boys. And I, that conjures a very specific image in my mind of the, because growing up Catholic, there would be, we had Catholic iconography in our house, like weird little statues and shit that I just took for granted.

You know, and because all the people I knew also had them, you know, like a statue of the infant of Prague or whatever. The Prince of Peace. But I would love to see that because I. I, that's right up my alley. Yeah. I think they all probably had weird things like that. Yeah, we had weird Christian things like these dove statues. Doves are big, man.

Doves. Oh, doves, you kidding me? They named soap after them. They were so huge. There's the holiest soap. Yep, it truly was. Well, anyway, the finale is airing tonight. I know.

I'm so. Do you think it's already available? Like when we get home? It's at five o'clock. Five o'clock, okay. Thanks for tipping me off to it. I will definitely watch. You need to watch it.

And I might as well start with season one because it's all the same. Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny. And it's like six episodes. Yeah. You blow through it. I mean, it's just delightful.

Yeah. You won't even realize you watched it. Yeah. No, but it's also you can't look at your phone because there's like all these little things happening that you just like you want to see how each person is. Okay. I'll put my phone in a yonder. Approaching it. You don't want to.

You don't want to. You don't need to. You don't need the second screen experience. I don't. What else? What else? There's one other funny thing like they have to do. There's something they have called a.

Joker where they're like, they'll be prompted to do your Joker. So you have to go up and do something. A pre-planned bit that you have where the show has helped you with like props or like other actors or whatever. And those are hilarious. And so I wonder how does it even last six episodes? Because I would feel like people would laugh so quickly. Some people get out quickly and some people like last a really long time.

This one they last. They last. Way longer than the first one. Way long in the first one. But they must know more from watching the first season. And they must prep like going, oh, okay, this is the kind of thing that I'll be. So here are my techniques. Yeah.

I found it with doing the show, make me laugh. Oh, yeah, wait. So did you go on as a comedian? Yeah, I went on, it was the first TV show I think I ever did. I was on three episodes. And did you do stand up or you're doing like characters?

Like, what did you just do anything. I did it with my partner at the time when we did bits. Uh-huh. And it was, I thought it was fun. And it was interesting to see the people's like techniques for not laughing, you know,

like avoiding eye contact and all the kind of stuff. And we made people. people laugh a few times or whatever. I thought it was, I mean, it's a fun idea for a show. I don't know what. Oh, yeah. I did not do well. Yeah.

You didn't do well. Were you doing your stand-up? I did some, yeah, I did my stand-up. And then one time I did it and the segment producer, I still don't understand why he did this. He saw me do some sketch at a show. And he said, I think you should do that. Like I had to run my, all of a sudden I had to run material by.

Right, right. And he was like, I think you should do this. And I'm like, well, it's not really. because there was a one person was like a monologuey kind of thing. Right. I don't think that, oh my God, bless the baby. Thank you.

But yeah, you have to be kind of like crazier. Yeah. Like you have to do something a little more like unexpected crazy now. Like a slow burn like monologue. No, you only have 60 seconds. That's the other thing. So like, yeah, we were doing like crazy. And guess what?

It didn't go like the audience wasn't laughing. It was mortifying. It was like, why did I listen to him? It was Bob mortifying. Also, he has these songs that he does. So I was like, is that part of his, I need to deep dive on him. Yeah.

But is that part of his like known comedy is like he does songs? Watch his task master season because he's fucking hilarious. Yeah. I'm obsessed. And then I saw a clip of him on what's that one, the lying one? What I lie to you. Where he's like, he says he, nine of his teeth fell out when he bit into a chunky kick cat. And then.

Watch every episode of that show that he's. Oh my God. I can't wait. I'm so excited. He's, yeah. He's really. He's truly special. He is.

He's truly special. No, literally I like went in knowing nothing and I left that show being like, that's my new. favorite person. I'm like, I just love him. I think both seasons, he enters the house last. And both times, the rest of people go, oh, no.

That was, by the way, when I did make me laugh, I had to audition. Weird. And with, like, a bunch of comedians. And they're not supposed to do this, but I got a contestant that I auditioned in front of. And so she had

already seen my bit. But when we walked onto the stage, I heard her say, oh, no, because she thought we were so funny in the audition. Oh, okay. So it was like, she's like, she's like, and I believe, I believe so. I got her again.

Yeah, I wish that, uh, I had those on tape. I'd probably do somewhere. By the way, much like you, I found a bunch of my videotapes and stuff. So I'm going to try to, I want to ask you about having them digitized. Okay. I'm, I still have a machine. I'm happy to do that. Oh, you have a machine.

Yes. I have one of those VC. to, oh, okay. MP3 things. I, so recently I wanted, I,

you know, I was redoing my office space and, um, getting rid of old things. They were like, I had like old data, outdated technology and shit like that.

It's just getting rid of a lot of stuff. And so I got it. So external hard drives have come a long way. Yeah. And so, you know, I have this, you know,

this huge like univac sized external hard drive that all my shit was on. And now they're so. small. So I had one. I bought a few. Also, they wear out so you want to constantly replace them. Do they? Yeah. What? From use

or just from being around? Kind of from being around. Oh my God, I have some old ones. Maybe that's what happened because I made, I got one like a passport, you know, like a separate one for just video. Put all the video on

there. A couple weeks go by, I'm like, I want to add something to this, plug it in, does not show up on my laptop. That's so disappointing. Not recognizing it. It's not, it's not mounting. I looked up all these things where you're supposed to do. Nothing worked. So now it's like, I have a couple old hard drives that I'm always kind of afraid to even, like,

I don't have the right adapter, first of all. And I'm afraid to even like, try to see if it were. You know what I mean? Like, I kind of like, that's on there. Like I don't like I'm like I have that somewhere. That's on there. You should be you should be buying backups and and I say this from experience from having hard drives crash and not having backups and stuff.

Let me check the old drop box because I think I do have it. I'd rather have it. Yeah. If you have them in the cloud as well as you know that that can be good. But yeah, I they they you'll want to like just every few years dump them back on a different thing. I mean, I'm sitting here with hard drives in. that room over there of like every TV show we worked on that I'm talking

about this right now of like okay I have one with all of the all of the comedy bang bang TV show like deleted scenes and stuff that I paid for that we haven't ever put out and I'm like God I got to dump those on a different on a backup yeah but yeah scary stuff scary stuff I seem to have

everything in the in the clued great let me see if I say wait can I bar this machine from you or what do we do? You can borrow it, yeah. Do you have like a library card situation where I need to check it out? Yeah, I do.

Okay. How do I apply? Well, it's a little free library. Okay. But it's protected by a system of lasers. Oh, okay. So you're going to have to be sexy. Okay.

So not like Tom Cruise, more like Catherine. Because you do Jones. Okay. Yeah, I could do that. I do have my make me last. Can I borrow your cap. suit? You do. You have your make me last. Yeah. Can I borrow your cat suit before I borrow the,

oh honey, I don't think you can borrow my cat suit. He shitting it last week. No. I shitting it last week. Last week. All right, let's take a break. Do you ever find yourself scrolling through headlines, especially health headlines and just thinking, that can't be true? Well, I certainly do. 2025 brought us some ridiculous far-fetched health claims

and some especially terrifying changes in public health. What's in store for us in 26? I'm Chelsea Clinton, and we're back with season two of my podcast, That Can't Be True. Follow along and catch up on season one wherever you get your podcasts. We're back. We really are. Sluts.

Hi, sluts. They're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. He's mad. He's mad. He's mad.

Max Madsen. What is that? Some fucking car dealership or a mattress store, something. What if you didn't know, you've expected. He's mad. A car store. Max Madsen. And all it was was mattresses and you just bought one and drove at home.

I would. And I have. We have to get a new mattress. Whoa. Oh no, what happened? I'm waking up in pain every day. Did you shit in it last week? You know what?

My pillows, my pillow. My pillow. Fucking shot the bed like last week. I don't know. What do you mean? Your pillow shift? I can't stand any of my pillows. They're not.

They're all terrible. They all have the wrong filling and the wrong vibe. And you just noticed it? Or someone switched the filling? They just got bad. Like, I've like had them a long time, I guess. I have a pillow story too. I can't take it.

We had pillows that were perfectly fine for a long time. Then we changed the type of pillowcase. Oh, no. Now they suck. Is that part of it? Because I have some of them in like allergen cases under the pillowcase. Well, we had these. Under the pillowcase.

Exactly. Not a stretch at all. You can just snooze there. Part of a goose there under the pillowcase. Hey, that was really good. Thank you. We had these these pillowcases that were. kind of expensive for pillowcases.

But what were they not expensive for? For a tank. Yeah. Like if you were by an army tank. It would be cheap. Comparatively, you'd be like, oh, this is a bark. Good deal. But they would, they would wear out very quickly with washing.

And these are, like, they were, I'm going to be honest. Be honest with us. They're from a sponsor from years ago. We just had them in a closet. Okay. We put them on. So you said, you said good. things about this sponsor presumably.

Yeah. And yet you hadn't even used their product until recently. So the case. I'm like Chernobyl. So the case is making the pillows bad because it's giving them too much tautness or too Not enough. Not enough. Oh, they're loose.

Not enough. Loose is a goose. Maybe it's a, maybe it's a sheets issue I'm having that my sheets are getting worn out. That could be. And they're getting loosey, goosey and lax. And that's affecting your pillows? Because they're not getting enough support.

Okay, got it. I was going to just do all new pillows. Just throw away everything in your house. I'm throwing everything in your house. I'm going to do all new pillows. Just move. I've been thinking about it. You've been thinking about it.

What's preventing you? I'm online and I'm researching. I have tabs, tabs, tabs, tabs. I have many. Tats. But I also want to touch it. I want to read reviews. I want to understand if it's what I want.

So you're getting a mattress. Are you going to go lay down on one? No, because that doesn't do anything. Come lay down on my mattress. You're not going to... Are you going to order it from a company online? Or from a company online. Can I say one thing?

Yeah. No, I think I know where your previous mattress, your current mattress is from. I believe 10 years ago, we all had mattresses from a certain company. No, that's true, but that's not the same. No, that's true. This is a different company. Yes. And that place does have a brick and mortar where you could lay down.

A Rick and Morty. Is that where they got that? We've already talked about this. But laying down, it doesn't... The laying down... on the mattress gives you such a cursory idea. You're embarrassed to do it for the amount of time that it would take to get the raw data that you need. The amount of time it would take would be hours.

Eight hours, yeah. But you're embarrassed to do it. You won't do it because you're coward. They will. And you won't lay down. Go in there at the opening of the store, say 9 a.m. Yeah. And stay up all night and then go to sleep there in the store.

Here's what you do. Nine to five. You go there at closing. Okay. and you say, wake me up. When September ends. When you open up the store. Can I sleep on your mattress?

I feel. Can I sleep on your mattress? Now, I've said this probably, but my guest bed is a mattress that was purchased from, like, I got the bed at like at the time. Like, crate and barrel or something. And then it's like, add a mattress. And I was like, yeah. Add a mattress. I think this was like, Mike didn't have a good mattress at.

his place when we started dating. I was like, why don't you Mike again? Oh, my husband. Yes. That's right. Sorry. I was like, why don't you get a new bed and get a new mattress? And then here. And so a woman dating a guy tries to change everything about it. Yeah. And who complains about that? New bed. Nobody. Who's about that new bed? But so that mattress was like front. It's not, it's not. It didn't come in a box where it

was rolled up. I just want to say this. It was a classic mattress. Yes. That bed is my favorite. I love it. And where is it now? It's the guest bed. But I do think there's something to be said for our guest bed is really comfortable, by the way. And is it an old school mattress like that? We just did because we were talking about the mattress so much. We're like, should we try the guest bed and see how that feels?

And we did. And it was great. Yeah. So just replicate that experience. We may. We may not. Because I kind of want to just get like that in my room. All of us switch houses for one week.

Okay. House swap. House swap. It's a simple house swap. But not life swap. Not a life swap. Although I would love for you to take over all of my responsibilities, including raising my daughter. Okay.

I can put her into the fold with us. Yeah. Someone was over here with three kids the other day. I was like, that seems impossible. I think it's too much. Somebody is over here with three kids. My friend has three kids, and she's wonderful at handling that. I often think if I couldn't.

I had one more. I think I might break. I feel like three is the absolute upper limit. Yeah. Yeah. And they were all within a four or five year period. I was just like, I cannot fathom it. How do you do it?

Yeah. How does anyone do it? But they often will say two is crazier than one. Three is whatever. Right. Because they're like you got, you made the transition from one to two. That's insane. That's double.

That's crazy. But they try to. Then you put another one. Like, now there's just another one. They try to sell you on. too by saying like, oh no, they're friends and they'll just play with each other. The same way that we got two dogs somehow that seem to hate each other. I've quoted this many times.

My mother was told by someone when she was a young mother, if you're going to have two, you might as well have 10. I mean, they do, my kids play together now and it's so sweet. And it's very nice to go in the room. You said that video to have bedtime. Oh, my God. I was like really not doing well mentally that day. I was like cracking under the pressure and the weight of the world.

And then they both just wouldn't listen. I was like, it's benton. And they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're jumping in the crib. And I was just like, I just was like, we texted about this last week. We texted about it. I don't think we talked about it. Oh, we didn't talk about it.

But I just was like. They were having a ball. I was getting so mad and it was so disproportionate to what was actually happening because they were just having fun. Yeah. But you know that. feeling when you're just like, I just need to go to bed. Kids only want to have fun, much like girls.

And girl kids forget about them. So that's why bedtime is so excruciating is because, like, you're thinking about all the things you could be having fun with. And the time is elapsed to where it's like, now it's fun time for mommy or daddy. And they're just like. Not both. Yeah. Now they're just like, but oh, I still want to have fun.

And I'm like, you're cutting into my hours when I'm alone watching last one laughing. You had fun all day, dickhead. I did everything you wanted to do all day. Your job is playing. So now it's like, okay, brush your teeth now. And it's like, I don't want to stand. I'm going to crawl to it. God.

Damn it. It does start to make you feel insane. It's like you're just stretching out the time because you just want to have fun with every single thing you do. That's why they say to gamify every thing. Well, that's why I took a gummy and then I was like, do whatever you want. Jump around. Gumify.

Let me get in there. That was one of our sponsors that I highly support. I would love them to come back because I want more. Gummify? Yes. No, it was, um, how is it called out of office or something? Yes, out of office. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I love those. Give me more. Hey, get us out of this office. More. Give me, more. Give me more. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Hey guys. Mm-hmm. Do you want to listen to a voice in my house? Yeah, of course I do. It's all I want to do. We get them from. All I want to do is listen to a voicemail.

Okay. So you stop when I sing that one. You have sung something for everything that's ever happened. We wanted to see if there's going to be more. We wanted to give you the space. I'm usually used to be talked over. We were holding space for you. I don't want you to do that.

We got these at a great website. Oh my God. The great website? I think you're damning with faint praise, sir. It is the greatest website and the most famous. It's called, as if you didn't know, hagclaims8.com. You go there. You can not only leave voicemails.

You can not only get off of our phone plan that you got before. Yeah. All you have to do is click a few pages that are, they're hard to find. Are we, are we shutting, I can't hear myself. Oh, I can't hear you either. You know what the problem was was I hit your volume after you saying that song. So you don't want to hear women speak.

Sing, dear. Okay. What about Adele Dick? Adele Dick. You got a Dell Dick. You got a Dell Dick. You got to tell Dick. How many times does Adela her and you got to get a doll.

Hey, is that guy okay, by the way? The guy who said, you got to get a doll? Yeah. He ran into some troubles. Who was it? Him and Shamwell Vince. Let's look at that privately. We'll look at it privately.

In our private time. I'm going to do that incognito. I don't know what I was saying. Yeah, what were you saying? We were talking about. Oh, yeah. Are we abandoning our phone plan? Oh, yeah.

Are we telling people to, well, are we announcing that the company has shuttered? We are saying that we're not saying that. The company has shutter, but we're not saying that. We're not announcing it. People do have the option now to get off the phone plan, which they did. They did not have before. Yeah. And that was a legal thing.

It's shuddering, but we don't know when. And so I think you probably want to stay on it. You probably just want to stay on it. You should just stay on it. And of course, the novelty dictionary. Yes. Oh, he's okay. My question to you is, if you were all in the mob, who are you?

And you are part of the rackets, what would your choice of rackets be? Goodbye. Great question. I can blow up his spot and say what his name is, even though he didn't introduce himself. Don't do that. Don't do it. Okay. I think if you wanted his name out there, that's true.

He would put it out there. And if he did want his name out there and forgot to put it out there, that's on him. That's on him. Okay. Yeah. Next time say your name. Say your name. What kind of racket?

You know the rackets that mobsters run? Protection. Oh, I need more explanation. Like, do you want to be in the protection racket where you go to shops and say, pretty nice shop you have here, it would be ashamed of anything happened to it? And then you knock something over. There's loan sharking, lending money at illegal, extremely high interest rates. Yeah. Enforced through intimidation.

There's labor racketeering, infiltrating labor unions to embezzle funds from pension accounts. That's fun. Illegal gambling or bookmaking. Okay. Narcotics trafficking, extortion and bribery, counterfeiting and smuggling, cybercrime, hijacking and cargo theft,

sex work, legitimate business infiltration, taking control of legitimate companies to facilitate money laundering, construction rackets. These are the... Oh, thank you for that. Yeah.

I probably would be interested in counterfeiting. if I was good at it. Counterfeiting money? Like you're so good. Let's say I can do it. And you can do it. So I don't have to learn. Right.

I'm just good at that. Yes. So how do you learn that you're good at this? You just try it one day and go like, oh wow, I totally replicated. Like you're in school, you just draw a dollar bill. I'm doing like, I'm doing really good money. I'm just doodling in my copy book. And I make really good money that's really real.

But then I also make like gift cards. and like I can kind of scam the gift card system. Oh, so you can make like Apple gift cards with their UPC codes and all that. But I also do like cheesecake factors. I just get free meals all the time. I guess like I'm doing like. But you so you can do like the the codes and stuff because they don't just look at those. Yeah.

I can do it. And you can do it. And you can. I'm sorry. I forgot. And you can do it. And you can do it. And so I can do it for any place.

So that's kind of my money. I'm always using gift cards. I have like no bank. I'm really working with. And then I have my, my fake dollars that I use as well. Could you counterfeit birth certificates? I can.

I don't. That's not really what I do. Okay. Normally the mob. First Holy Communion certificates. Do you want one? I wouldn't mind one. I can do that.

It's not like my business, but I can do that. Normally the mob counterfeiting racket is counterfeiting fake goods like purses and clothing and cigarettes. Okay. Or the smuggling part of it. Are you good at that? I can also make fake purses.

Okay. And I sell them at little markets. Yeah. I sell mine on the street. Yeah. That's, I mean, that's where my market is.

Much like the fake Izaud sweater that I bought when I was 12 in New York City. New York City. Mm-hmm. And I immediately, it was white with a eyes odd alligator and I was like, but it turned out as a crocodile. That's how people could tell. Well,

I know, it was, it looked, it looked good, but it was fake. And then I wore it to my shop class. I wore it to school one day. And then on a day that I had shop class. and someone with a brush full of stain

has swiped it on me. Jesus Christ. No, like a fake eyesad is a pretty good thing because it's like no one's proving that and doesn't really matter. Yeah, but I... How could they tell it was fake? No, no one...

Oh, they just did it just for the fucking... They did it for the fun of it. Just to bully you. Oh, you think that they heard it was fake and said, well, that's... I won't stand for that. No, they were just bullying Scott. I don't know that that was my thought process.

But then my mom was like, like, well, maybe we can dye your sweater blue and the stain won't show up. And so she dyed it in the bathtub. And then it was... Ruin the patch. No, then it was just blue with the stain on it. Was the stain blue? No, it was bright.

It was a stain color, much like, yeah. What if you dyed it brown? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. But, uh, and... Just saying to your mom. That was when I went to New York City. Brown and blue, mom.

For the first time, the only hour. out of state trip. I had taken it other than Arizona in a long time. And I only had, I believe, $20 to spend. And I spent, I believe, five on that sweater. And it was a big amount at the time. I zod shit is expensive.

And I know because I decided to make my character Alamoni Tony where all Izod Ah yes, LaCost. Including the glasses. Wow. And so it's expensive to this day. Now it was very popular back in 1982. It was. Well, when I was in high school, I used to

shop at thrift stores and get all little boys t-shirts and I got many eyes odds out of that. What are the little boys supposed to do? I don't give a shit. I got the cool shirt. Wow. Yeah. I remember when I was in seventh grade and a girl that I hadn't really thought, it's just just a friend or whatever, but she showed up in a pink Izoad polo with the collar turned up.

And I was just like, whoa, she looks really good. Wow. And then got a, had a bit of a crush on her. To this day. Which was unrequited. No, then I saw her at one of the reunions and she was acting very weird because I think her marriage was crumbling. That's tough. You know.

Was you wearing that shirt again? I had this. She wasn't. And if she had been. Hey, remember this? Scott. This is not interesting. So I had to tell you a dream that I had.

Great. Oh, yeah. So I, but I had a dream about Mike the other day. Oh, well, I do want to hear that. Two nights ago, I had a dream that was really. really so real and in-depth and all this crazy shit happened. And it was so, it was just like, you know, when you wake up and you're like, oh my God, I'm tired from like watching all of that.

That was so crazy. From watching all that? That was an exhausting view. Part of my dream, I time traveled. And it was like, I was like in my early 20s and talking to these people that I, from high school and we were all talking. And I was like, this is really boring. Can we just jump to like what you're doing now?

And then we're like, oh, yeah, I have three kids. We started talking about current stuff. But it was interesting. It was like an interesting dream. I don't know that I've ever time traveled in my dreams. Yeah. I like went back to like that age. And then I was like,

I don't really care what you guys are doing in college. This is boring. Yeah. I would like to do maybe the, I like extortion because you are making rounds. Yeah. You see the same people. You're getting out and seeing the city every day.

Hey, how you doing? Give me that money. Or I'll break your fucking legs. That's very confrontational. It doesn't have to, it's only a confrontation on the first time. Okay. You know what I mean? Because like smuggling kind of scared me because I'm like, that reminds me of those

locked up abroad or something where it's like, I don't want to be like taking something into an airport. I'm going to be sweating, like confronting people and going like, you're going to kill you. That's also like a lot of. It's a lot on me. Yeah. Performance wise. The hijacking seems like it could be fun.

Yeah. Brandishing weapons. Yes. And if you're like a really bad person, you might think that's fun and like you'll just enjoy it so it's not actually scary to you. I would, in the setting, in this situation, in the scenario. And I can be a bad person. You can be a bad person.

I would feel bad about doing most of these things. So like labor racketeering. But you can be a bad person. I know, but it has to be me wanting to pick this. Right. No, but and you can be. I know. It's you and you can do, you can do everything and you can be a bad.

And here's the one, here's the one where I kind of go like, yeah, I'd be fine with doing that is the illegal gambling and bookmaking. I think that would be fun to like figure out the odds and then... Well, and you're like a beautiful mind. Well, yeah, also, you know, I mean, you're praying upon the storm of the earth, but a sickness and illness that people have. But disgusting people have it. Yeah, that's...

But I still think the odds would be fun to do and figuring out the spread. Sure. That would be fun. Oh, the spread. The spread would be fun to figure out. Oh, oh, Eli Manning's out. Oh. Okay.

I remember a Sopranos episode where it was like Carmela's friend, one of the other mobsters had this wife. She was like a very interesting character. She wasn't on it a ton, but she was a very specific personality. And they're at this funeral for her husband. And then the mob guys were talking in the back about something. And she turns around and says, What's going on, Tony?

Vegas moving the line. And that delivery is state of my head forever. Move in the line, yeah. I have to re-watch that show. So do I. I started watching it for the first time a couple years ago, and then I didn't keep watching it. But I do know that it's supposed to be amazing.

Were you not enjoying it? Was it not grabbing you? Yeah, it was like other stuff grabbed me more. You know, sometimes it's hard to get into like an old thing if you're watching a new thing. Absolutely. I'm loving the pit. Carl and Lamar asked me to be on their Sopranos podcast, but I think they're already in the third season.

and I don't want to jump into the, when I want to do an actual rewatch, you know. Well, you hurry up, man. What the fuck? I don't have time. Well, then don't do it. Why are you so mean to me, Paul? Because you're keeping these guys waiting.

And you can do it. Can I tell you about my dream about Mike? Yes. So we were hanging out and I made him dinner. I made him a grilled chicken sandwich. And he looked at it and he said, this is disgusting. I don't eat chicken.

He would say that. Does he eat? Is he a vegetarian? Yeah. And the other day, wait, what day did you have this dream? Like, I'll tell you exactly when it was. It was Friday night or Thursday night. It was one of those two.

Let me do the math here. Friday night. Friday night. Uh-huh. Okay, wait. Okay, no, this happened on Sunday. But so maybe it was a premonition. Oh, yeah.

We had this like kind of chaotic morning trying to go places with the kids. blah, blah, blah. Was the Joker there? And the Joker was there making chaos. He loves chaos. And then he got a burrito. Then we came home and then he bit into the burrito and had ham in it. And he was like,

ham and a burrito? I'm going to throw up. Like lunch meat ham? It was like a breakfast burrito with like ham. Okay. And he was told it was vegetarian. He made it very clear to the person. I want vegetarian, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And maybe he just got the wrong one or something. And then he was like, I'm going to throw up. That sucks. Did he throw up? No, but he just was like, I haven't eaten meat in 25 years. And now I just bit. Wow, 25 years. I didn't know it had been that long.

Did he spit it out or did he swallow it and go like, this is yummy? And he was disgusted. And he hated it. So he didn't really eat it. Well, then the rest of the, for like another hour, he just kept going into his jacket. Yeah. He was like, hold his jacket up to his mouth. So you think it's not really eating if it goes into your mouth.

So when that lady said, she's eating his thing. She's eating his thing. No, if you, if you take a sip of beer, if you're, if you, if you, if, you, if, you, if, And you spit it out. And you spit it out. Then you're good. No. Yeah.

What do you think? Like my friend who, who, uh, used to sell LSD and he, he had 30 tabs worth liquid LSD. He put it in his mouth and was like, I'm just going to, I'm just going to have it in here and get the residual effects, then spit it back and sell everything. And then he accidentally fell asleep and swallowed it and then has been seeing weird colors for years. Look, I'm, uh, I'm exhausted. I'm just going to very quickly. put this in my mouth. I'm on the very edge of sleep.

I'm just going to put this in my mouth for two seconds. Guys, that's it. Thanks so much to this person for your question. Thanks that person. And some things we want to mention. Paul and I are going on tour with the Comedy Bang Bang Tour. We just announced the first batch of dates. The first tranch.

And you can go to CBBWorld.com slash tour to get all of the tickets for that. And we're very excited. I think it's going to start in about a month or so. Oh, shit. When is this coming out? I'll tell you exactly when this episode comes out, dear. Okay. It comes out on the day called April 23rd.

I have a show with Mary Holland. We are hitting the road with our two-person improv show. We are doing a show at Netflix as a joke on May 4th. at 9.30 p.m. at the Lyric Hyperion. If you'd like to join us, please do. Thank you. I will be this weekend at Bell House in Brooklyn doing Vryatopia. As of this recording, there's still some tickets for the Sunday show.

That's a great day to see a show. It's fun. Yeah. You feel like you're getting away with something when you go out on Sunday. You feel like you're spitting in the face of the Lord. 100%. But please do come after Mass. Yes.

Make sure you go to Mass first and then come to the show. Much like my favorite spinoff. aftermash. Love it. Love it. I remember so many great moments from it. So many great jokes. Yeah.

I didn't like seeing those guys in regular clothes. It was weird. I know because Klinger should always be in a dress. Do you remember what he didn't want to do it anymore? Yeah. It was just like, I'll wear earrings. How about that? By the way, dress,

there's a little boy at Emmy's preschool who wears dresses all the time. And he, I was thinking about it. I was like, yeah, that's the default. Dresses are comfortable. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? Like the kids have the right idea about it.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's going to do it for us. Vriotopia.com. Vryatopia.com, CBBWorld.com slash tour and then wherever Lauren's ticket. You can figure it out. We'll see you next week. Bye.

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