Tiger Sisters - Reset Your Life with These 3 Proven Frameworks (No Matter Your Age)

Starting point is 00:00:00 This is starting over at ages 29 and 36, part two of our starting over series, where we go over incredible tips from experts like James Clear on Atomic Habits, Bray Brown on Vulnerability, and famous relationship expert Esther Perel. Today we're giving you the blueprint to totally reboot from vulnerability to habits to game changing relationship tips. In this episode, we're going to give you the ultimate toolkit for starting over at any age. Yeah, starting over can feel like. really scary, but it's not if you have the right tools and the right frameworks. And as always, we also have many exercises for us to go through live to practice these frameworks. And also for

Starting point is 00:00:39 each framework, we're going to talk about kind of examples that are sort of like case studies to really learn them better, just like we do at Harvard Business School. I love this episode and this topic because starting over is so hard. If you're stuck or scared to restart your life, stick with us for this episode. I'm Sheree. I'm Gene. And where the tiger's We are the Internet's Wall Street and Silicon Valley Big Sisters. We're the number eight top business podcast on Spotify, where we talk about money, power, and love. And all of this is to help you build a life that you love. Welcome to the Tiger Sisters podcast.

Starting point is 00:01:28 We'll get started right after this break. This episode of Tiger Sisters is brought to you by Read AI. Yes, and it's not just another note taker. It's like an AI co-pilot that can read, transcribe, and, and summarize your meeting notes. It reads the energy and vibe of your meetings to give you the next smart steps. I'm obsessed because it's like having a chief of staff that manages your inbox, your work meetings, basically your entire work life.

Starting point is 00:01:56 Yeah, last week I missed a meeting and I was able to type what did I miss. And Read AI was able to give me the top takeaways, the key points, and also the sentiment. It was kind of like magic. And it works across Gmail, Teams, Notion, Salesforce, Zoom, basically. wherever you do your work. And you know me, I never give apps access to my Gmail because that's super private, but I actually made an exception for Reed AI because I personally know the founder, David Schim, because we used to work together at Snapchat. And you guys might remember we actually interviewed David Schim on season three of Tiger Sisters when he was talking about his new startup,

Starting point is 00:02:31 which is actually Reed AI. And now Reed has over four million users. Wow. Wow. And they're giving Tiger Sisters listeners a 30-day enterprise trial. which is worth $30 and it does not require a credit card to sign up. We don't know how long this 30-day free offer is going to last. So if you're at all curious, try it right now. Go to www. reed.a.i. slash tiger sisters for a free 30-day extended trial and you don't need to put in your credit card. Sign up through our link because then they'll know that we send you. We're obsessed with Reed AI and we think you're going to love it too.

Starting point is 00:03:06 Welcome back. So the first topic we're going to go over is James Clear's atomic habits and why it's relevant for starting over. I'm so excited to talk about this. I read this book a few years ago, and it's still something that I think about every single week. Experts say that 90% of people who start a new habit end up quitting at day 10. And we're going to show you how to be that successful 10% that sticks with it. Yeah, because when reinventing yourself, huge goals can be kind of paralyzing. And so the good thing about atomic habits is that essentially it breaks things down into mini goals that you can actually achieve so that you can be that 10% that actually keeps your goals as opposed to the

Starting point is 00:03:44 90% that fall off. In James Clear's book Atomic Habits, he teaches to one, make it obvious, two, make it attractive, three, make it easy and four, make it satisfying. It being the habit. Yeah. And I feel like a really big part of his book is the idea or the concept of being like self-identifying yourself with that habit. So for example, like being like, yeah, I am a person that goes to the gym three times a week or like, yeah, I'm an active person. That's why I go to the gym three times a week. I think that's like one of his like main premises. Yeah, that's one of the big takeaways. It's like how do you make that your identity? Like I am a healthy person. What would a healthy person do? They would eat healthy. They would go to the gym. And when you embrace that identity, it makes it

Starting point is 00:04:31 harder to break the habit. You want to keep going. Yeah. So bringing in a person, personal case study or an example that I bring this into my life is that I have a habit of trying to go to the gym every single day for 30 days in a row. It's really hard to not break that chain, but something that I do is that I make it very clear and visual. So I have a calendar that shows each day that I go to the gym, I put an X on my calendar and it creates this chain that I can see right in front of me. I don't want to break the chain. And it is very satisfying. When I go to the gym, I come back and I make an X on my calendar and I'm like, huh, I feel so relieved that I'm able to keep this going. So that's one very clear example, James Clear example of how I bring this into my life.

Starting point is 00:05:19 And if you guys want to do something similar, Gene and I have a habit tracker that we created for you. It's a digital downloadable that is linked in this video description. It's free. You can download it. It's a calendar and it shows all the days of the year so that you can track your habits. Yeah. I think that concept of Don't Break the Chain is pretty, like, famous and well known. It's used by a lot of people. One that I remember is apparently, like, Jerry Seinfeld. He sort of forced himself to continue to like write more jokes by doing Don't Break the Chain for like every single day, he would come up with a new joke. And like, he would make the X on his calendar. He'd be like, okay, I came up with a new

Starting point is 00:05:57 joke today, X, X, X. So that's kind of how he like got better at his craft. Yeah. And how do you apply atomic habits to your daily life? Yeah, for me, I think it's the example of once I became single again this past year and I started dating. I was like, okay, the first part of that is just like making myself get out there and like interact with people in the world. So I kind of took on the identity of being like, okay, I'm a person that says yes to different invitations. So even if it's something I would normally maybe not say yes to. I'm going to say yes to it. And like try to aim to go to, you know, three things I would normally not go to,

Starting point is 00:06:39 like three times a month or something like that. Like an underground Berlin rave? Like, what do you mean? Sure. Yeah. Like just anything. Like I need to like kind of, you know, break up the old routine and start doing new things so that I can be like out there in the world to meet people.

Starting point is 00:06:56 True. So that actually, it worked really well. because I remember this is like back in February, but one of my friends had a Super Bowl party and it was also kind of a going away party. And I wasn't, I probably like wouldn't usually go because I don't really like watch football, I guess. But then I went and then I ended up like meeting this guy that was his like childhood friend that I was dating for a while. So I feel like it works. And it all stemmed from me being like taking on the identity of being like, yeah, I'm someone who says yes to social invitations, even if maybe in the past I wouldn't have said yes to them.

Starting point is 00:07:32 Yeah. And when you go out, it opens up more opportunity and serendipity to meet new people. So by having that habit and figuring out a way to implement it in your life, it also opened up many new doors. Yeah. And it's something, I guess, like, it's something you can sort of remind yourself of and take on again and again. because I will say like in the last month, like we've been so busy and just like traveling so much. Like we were like in Japan. We were in Asia. We were at VidCon. Like we were just kind of like not really, you know, around and just like working all the time.

Starting point is 00:08:07 Yeah. That it's almost like this is a really good reminder for me to sort of like take on that identity again and be like, oh, I'm a person that says yes to things so that I'm going to like go back out there and like be active and meet. people in the world. So it's like a good reminder for me too, even just doing this episode. For sure, because starting over, it has such a scary connotation to it. But I think one takeaway I would like everyone else to go away with is that starting over doesn't have to be such a big, monumental thing. There are also little ways that you can start over and keep your life moving forward. Yeah. I think oftentimes people wait until the New Year's for the giant like New Year's resolution in January. And that's why everyone gets to the.

Starting point is 00:08:51 the gym then and then people fall off. But like I honestly take, you know, if you can have the beginning of every month being a starting over point or creating checkpoints. So it's not just once a year, but giving yourself many opportunities to start anew. I think that's a really beautiful thing. Yeah. And I think like maybe this is sort of a controversial take or like a hot take or something. But I think starting over and like or more so the concept of reinventing yourself is really fun. And like what a gift what like a special like what an opportunity we have that we can sort of continually reinvent ourselves all the time um i think that's something i didn't really realize until i i didn't really like realize the power of until recently yeah because change is scary i think yeah most people

Starting point is 00:09:41 psychologically and myself included do not want change yeah like we're very as humans very adverse change, right? Like we don't want change averse. Did I say the right? Adverse? Averse. Averse. We're very change averse.

Starting point is 00:09:57 So if it does happen and it's forced upon us, it can be very uncomfortable, but it can also lead to very beautiful things. If you take it in stride and you also have these frameworks that we're talking about to really put in the right frameworks in place so you can be successful. Yeah. Well, and you know how like people always say, oh, it's not that I feel scared. It's not that I feel nervous. it's that I actually feel excited.

Starting point is 00:10:21 Yeah. You know? That's just a mindset shift. Yeah. So there are a couple of these things that you can do, starting with James Clear's atomic habits. And we're going to get into the next topic, which is vulnerability with Brune Brown.

Starting point is 00:10:33 I've already been pretty vulnerable. Actually, before we move on, let's do our mini exercise. Oh, right. Which is pick one goal that you have for yourself and then break it down into a bunch of different tiny steps or like very small habits and then figure out a way to make it like James Clear says, obvious, attractive, easy, and satisfying.

Starting point is 00:10:57 And then write it down. Yes. And we'd love to hear from you. If you can share with us in the comments what your goal is and how you're going to try and break it down. We read every single comment and we'll try to reply to as many as we can. Yeah, because we want to be on this journey together with you. And what we've seen from research from Duke University is that actually 45%, so literally

Starting point is 00:11:17 almost half of all of your daily actions are habitual. And so let's build the right habits together. And up next, we're going to talk about how to harness vulnerability through Brunei Brown's research. Okay, let's start off with a stat, which is that 84% of people admitted that they don't even tell their very closest friends about major life changes because they fear judgment. But what Brne Brown has found in her research is that vulnerability between, especially between friends, is what actually strengthens connections.

Starting point is 00:11:47 Okay, Sheree, maybe you can tell us a little bit more about this framework. So I think the first thing to note is that it takes a ton of courage to be vulnerable. It's like a super scary thing to open up. But what people don't realize is that it can also open up a lot of opportunities as well. So the first thing is that if you share what you're going through with people, especially if you share like a new habit you want to build, it can create a lot of momentum for social accountability. So you don't have to do it alone. For example, if I want to get healthy for this year and go to the gym, I can share that goal. They can be my social accountability buddy in that way.

Starting point is 00:12:22 And another way it can open up opportunities is that if you bring vulnerability into your life, this is one very specific example that I've seen, is that with recent layoffs that have been going on, people have come onto LinkedIn to post and to share that they've lost their job, which is a really scary thing to share. And honestly, I don't know if I would be able to do that because I feel a lot of, nervousness and shame around that, which I don't think other people who are reading it feel, they feel more empathy. But if you post about that and share more about your life in a vulnerable way, I've also seen people get job opportunities because they've shared about their layoff. Yeah, exactly. I love that you bring that up because shame versus empathy is one of those really

Starting point is 00:13:03 main constructs in Brunee Brown's book, Daring Greatly. And when you admit that you're unsure or that you need help, you're really like inviting people in to support you. I think another example that I can think of for ourselves is just starting on this new venture of Tiger Sisters. Like that's something that I and you have been very, very open about to everyone from the very beginning, which is that we're starting this new venture. It's based around a podcast. It's content to commerce. These are all things that we have never done. We've never like actually worked in media before either of us. We've always worked in tech or finance. And so like I've gone into a lot of conversations being like, hey, I don't know anything really or like I don't even know what I know.

Starting point is 00:13:49 Like I would love to to learn from you. And I think that that has been really helpful for us. Yeah. Because we're coming at it from a position of or from a perspective of being like we're open to learning. And the first part of that is being like, hey, we admit to not knowing things. Like we're not experts by any means. And I think people might view that as a weakness, but I also view that, like we said before, as an invitation for help. And maybe sharing your weaknesses could be a strength as well in that way. If you feel hesitant about sharing your like quote unquote weakness or like being vulnerable

Starting point is 00:14:26 in that way, I guess one way, I don't even actively think about it this way, but I think it's just like inherent to my approach to it is that I'm like, well, I'm not an expert in this. area, but I know I'm an expert in many other areas, right? Like, I believe in my own ability and I know I'm smart and I know I can like learn. I just have a lot of self-belief, but I just have no experience in this area. So like there's nothing wrong with being unexperienced, you know. So maybe that's like a kind of mindset that you can take on if you want to kind of reveal your vulnerability to people to be like, yeah, like I am not an expert in this area. I'm an expert in another area. It's just, it's good to, it's like when a recruiter asks you what your greatest weakness is and you're like, my greatest weakness is that I can learn anything. My greatest weakness is I don't know everything,

Starting point is 00:15:19 but I can learn anything. Is that what I sound like? It's just funny. I mean, but I think it's just very naturally how you feel and a very positive outlook because you have a lot of self-belief. My greatest weakness is I have too much self-like. You know, it's like when you're trying to make a weakness sound like a strength in an interview? No, that's when you're always like, my greatest weakness is that I'm a perfectionist. Don't say that. If you're doing an interview, do not say that because recruiters will see right through it. Yeah. And now that I'm older, I'm like, wow, that really is a weakness. Actually, it's come around full circle. Maybe you can say that again now. Maybe people should say that again now. I mean, that actually is my weakness. I'm not even, I'm not even bullshit. You know that's my

Starting point is 00:16:04 weakness. We talked about it before. It is. It takes me like 10 times long. going to write an email then Shiree. She's like, hey, can you do this? Bye. Yeah. My emails are very short and I don't spend more than like, if it's a really important one, I'll spend a lot of time. But if it's like, one, I'm just like, it could be a few sentences and then you sign off

Starting point is 00:16:22 and you don't think about it again. And might are like, good morn to you today. She writes like a Shakespearean sonnet that she reads 15 times over. And I'm like, girl, just send the email out. Just send it. It's not that deep. I'm like, top of the morn. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:37 We digress. We digress. Okay, we do have a many exercise for you for this section that we'd love to share. So if you can think of one vulnerable moment, we would love for you guys to share that with a trusted friend. We have studies that show that 90% of people who opened up to others feel less lonely. But most importantly, they feel even more motivated to move forward because they've shared something with their friend and they have more social accountability in that way.

Starting point is 00:17:05 After you've shared with your friend, observe how this is. impacts your mindset. And tell us in the comments. Harvard Business Review actually found that leaders who practice vulnerability, such as admitting to a mistake or asking for feedback, are 20% more likely to foster high performing teams. So, like, however that is defined, they did this whole study about it. So it's not just in your, like, personal life where it's, it's fruitful and actually

Starting point is 00:17:37 effective to practice vulnerability. It also can be applied in your career and your work life strategically. Okay, we're going to take a really quick break and then when we return, we move on to Esther Perel's idea of rewriting your story. Hey friends, it's Shereen and Jean from Tiger Sisters. We need your help. We just dropped our very first audience survey and it's actually really important to us. Why? Because we want to create the best content for you and learning more about you helps us to do that. It takes less than five minutes. minutes to fill out. And as a thank you, we're giving away a $100 gift card at the end of the season to one listener who fills out the survey. The link is in the video description. Please fill it out. Thank you for being a part of this with us. Tiger Sisters is just getting started. I'm really excited to talk about this because I think reinvention should be part of everyone's life. And we talked a little bit about this before. But if you think about the major celebrities out there, like Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Leonardo DiCaprio, I think all of these. Not the Leonardo DiCaprio.

Starting point is 00:18:39 Miley Cyrus? You don't like Leonardo decafriot? I don't know where you're going, the Leonardo decaprio. I feel like he constantly reinvents himself in the roles that he takes. Oh, I thought you're like, first he's someone who dated a 27-year-old. Then he's someone who dated a 24-year-old. No, I mean, and Christian Bale, I don't know. I just feel like when you look at celebrities and the longevity of their careers,

Starting point is 00:19:04 the ones that have staying power are. are the people who can reinvent themselves constantly. Like Miley Cyrus. Like Miley Cyrus. Oh, I love her. Go girl. Go girl. She's incredible.

Starting point is 00:19:15 Yeah. I mean, if Leonardo DiCaprio were to reinvent himself and date someone a little bit older, I think that might also have some staying power too in the media. But alas. But I think this is just so fun because we can talk about reinventing ourselves at any point in our lives. And the concept from Esther Perel is not. just reinventing yourself, but it's specifically the idea of rewriting your story, right?

Starting point is 00:19:42 Rewriding your narrative. Exactly. In Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity, she specifically talks about this concept in the sort of framework of romantic relationships. So basically, she says, you know, you can rewrite your story because if you're not the same person now that you were in your 20s, why do you have to be the same person romantically? Mm-hmm. Oftentimes we forget, I forget.

Starting point is 00:20:06 that we outgrow different patterns from earlier in our lives. And that could be dating, that could be friendship, and outgrowing relationships and friendships. That's very much a thing that I have to keep top of mind because it can feel super painful when it happens. But that's part of growth in it of itself. And in her book, Esther Perel says that you can reframe your identity as someone who fails in relationships or friendships

Starting point is 00:20:31 to someone who learns from past mistakes and actively builds healthier dynamics. And I feel like this mindset shift is game-changing. Because honestly, relationships fail because you're dating. But like at the end game, you're only supposed to marry one person. You know what I mean? So like they're supposed to fail up until you find the one. So I think that's like just a reframe of it all, right?

Starting point is 00:20:56 Yeah. Like they're meant to, you're supposed to date many, many people. So you're saying we should romantically fail upwards. Yes, exactly. Fail upwards. Take a page out of the book of every man you've ever worked with. Oh, my God. And fail upwards romantically.

Starting point is 00:21:13 Yeah. I mean, I think that I realize this or maybe I like internalized this very recently. Yeah. Like not you're not supposed to keep all your relationships. Right. You can only keep one at the end. They're all supposed to fail except for one. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:30 And this actually reminded me of the James Clear framework. because she's saying like reframe yourself as, you know, someone who learns from relationships and sets up new healthier ones. That's the same idea of taking on the identity. Yeah, internalizing it. I am someone who learns from past relationships and forms healthier ones. Exactly. Wow.

Starting point is 00:21:51 Putting together all the frameworks. Connecting the dots. We're doing it live. You're here with us. You're doing it live. Okay. I feel like one example I could sort of uniquely give is that I've mentioned before I ended an eight-year-long relationship and engagement this past year when I was 35. So I guess like one way

Starting point is 00:22:11 you could look at yourself is to be like, oh my God, like I'm someone who breaks engagements and has like a failed like fails in relationships. I only broke one. So I feel like if you've broken multiple a la runaway bride, you might take that identity. Don't be so hard on yourself. Or like you could be like, you know, you could think of yourself. One could think of themselves as like, oh, I'm someone who fails in relationships or maybe you can think of yourself by you I mean me you can think of yourself as like wow I'm someone who is brave enough and you know I guess sure enough of herself to end a eight year long relationship even when it seems like from the outside seems to be perfect on paper seems to be so great and like you've already invested so much into

Starting point is 00:23:03 it, I'm someone who's brave enough to step away from that in search of something that is actually better for me, like when this is actually something that no longer works. It takes a lot of courage. It takes a lot of courage. You are someone who is courageous. That's a very courageous thing to do. Yeah, yeah. I just came up with that just now, guys.

Starting point is 00:23:24 I was not. It just came up with that just now. But yeah. Do you feel that? Do you feel that in your bones? or is it hard to internalize that? I mean, it's not something, honestly, like it's not something that I've ever said out loud.

Starting point is 00:23:38 Like, this is the first time I've ever really said that out loud. But it is something that other people have said to me. Like when I have told people, you know, oh, yeah, like I broke my engagement. Like, we were together for eight years, blah, blah, blah. They're like, wow, like, you are so brave. Like, you're so courageous. And not in a way where they're like, you're so brave. brave for posting that story without makeup.

Starting point is 00:24:05 You're so brave to post your stories. You're so brave for wearing that bathing suit, that outfit. I could never wear that, but you're so brave. But no, like when people say it to me, like I can tell that they really mean it because it is something that is so scary. Like it's so, it's kind of incomprehensible. And even to myself, like even to me two years ago, three years ago, like a year and a half ago, it would have been incomprehensible.

Starting point is 00:24:32 But like we said earlier, that was a different person. Like that's, that was a total. I was a different person. I was a different person. That was like the old me. Now this is the new me. I'm reinvented. Bitches.

Starting point is 00:24:49 What you're going to say about that? What you're going to do about it? What you're going to do about that? Yeah. This is your reinvention era in so many ways. Yeah. And it's. you guys are a part of it. It's live. It's happening. I think an interesting like exercise people

Starting point is 00:25:08 could do. This is not the official mini exercise. This is the side mini exercise. Side quest. Side quest I just came up with. If you guys are inspired to do so. Is that like maybe you can sort of go through that same exercise I just did. And if there's something that you're still, I guess like processing or like a part of you that is starting over is to like think of what other people say to you when you, when you do. You do. You tell them about your change or your like reinvention or your new narrative and then start to like say like say that out loud about yourself for the first time like I just did it it's kind of wild. Yeah. I've never said that about myself to be like, yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:47 And I'm really courageous and brave for choosing to do what I did as opposed to, you know, staying in a relationship that seemed that seemed perfect in so many ways. It's weird. It's weird to like, I think it's good though. to like say it out loud and like take on the identity and like experience how other people are viewing you. Yeah. Because in some ways I feel like people can see you more clearly than you can see yourself. Not the situation, but just like your perception of yourself. And people are able to, at least the ones who are able to share that with you that you really respect or like, wait,

Starting point is 00:26:26 I respect you and you respect me now and like, wait, now I can understand what you see. It's a crazy thing. Yeah. That's the off the books mini exercise. Bonus mini exercise. Great. We'll give that to you for free. So the official exercise, if you'd like to try another one, is to write down the old story that no longer serves you. Put it down on paper and rewrite it in a way that reflects your growth and your future aspirations. What is your new story, your new narrative that you're going to tell yourself? Share that story with a friend or with us. in the comments if you're open to getting feedback and having Gene and I read that. So yeah, we'd love to see what you guys come up with. Okay, so just to recap, in today's episode,

Starting point is 00:27:13 we covered James Clear's Atomic Habits, Bray Brown's concepts of vulnerability, and Esther Perrell's ideas around rewriting your narrative. And I think putting the three together, this is like the perfect toolkit for starting over, whether you're 29, 36, or any age. Thank you guys so much for tuning in for this episode. Please remember to like, comment, and subscribe. It is super important if you follow and subscribe us because then you'll get notified when our next episode drops. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:43 And I also really want to hear what you guys have to say in the comments, especially because I spoke so much about my own experience this time. So like I want to hear you guys talking about your experience. Guys, she's being vulnerable. If you like that Jean's being vulnerable and opening up about her life and I'm opening up about mine, please give her some support in the comments. Yeah. We read every single one.

Starting point is 00:28:03 Be a part of our community. Yes. And I want to know you guys are out there. And also the conversations I think are really rich. And a lot of other people are reading other comments as well. Yeah. And feeling very encouraged by your story. And also make sure to sign up for our newsletter, which is linked in the description.

Starting point is 00:28:18 And also follow us on Instagram at Tiger Sisters Podcast. Thanks, guys. See you next time. Bye. Bye.

Tiger Sisters - Reset Your Life with These 3 Proven Frameworks (No Matter Your Age)

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