Tiger Sisters - The 4 Habits Holding Your Career Back & How to Break Them (Stop Saying Sorry)

Starting point is 00:00:00 You've spent weeks crushing a project, perfecting it, working late nights, and making sure every detail is tip-top. But when it's time to present, you say, sorry it's not perfect. Or you let someone else take the credit. That's not humility. That's self-sabotage. If you're overworking, underselling, or just apologizing for your excellence, you're not just hurting yourself. You're actually stalling your entire career. Today, we're exposing the three ways that women sabotage their own.

Starting point is 00:00:30 success. And we are going to teach you how to flip the script so you can lead with clarity, credibility, and confidence. I'm Sherey. I'm Gene. And we're the Tiger Sisters. We are your Wall Street and Silicon Valley Big Sisters. And we are the number one top business podcast on Spotify, where we talk about money, power, and love. Yeah. Okay, guys, today is such a good episode. because we are sharing three ways that women unconsciously undermine their own power. And the cost is real. It means less promotions, less pay, and less respect. Yeah, that's really scary. But luckily, we have the tools for you today to take back your power and to lead with command, whether you're in one-on-ones, in a pitch meeting, or a boardroom meeting.

Starting point is 00:01:26 And stick around until the end because we're going to talk about one bonus habit that you are for sure doing today. I know I've been doing it, you've been doing it. It is actually so insidious and so toxic. You will have never realized that it's been taking away your power all these years. Yeah. It's something that's so deeply ingrained in us. Like I wasn't even thinking about it. And now that I know about it, it's something that's on my mind every single day.

Starting point is 00:01:49 And if you're doing it, it's probably destroying your credibility. Yeah, it's actually so toxic. I can't wait to get to this part. Let's start with Framework 1. One of the biggest leaks in your leadership voice, the sorry reflex. Yeah, because apologizing when you've done nothing wrong doesn't make you more relatable. It just makes you look more uncertain. And there's this really good Harvard Business Review article about it.

Starting point is 00:02:11 Women use hedging language nearly three times more than men. That's insane. That's so crazy. That's so much. Okay, what's hedging language? Here's some of the phrases. Oh, I might be wrong, but have you ever said that? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:23 Yeah, for sure. I'm not certain about this, but. Oh, sorry, just a quick question. Yeah. Or this might sound a little dumb. This might sound weird, but that one all the time. Yeah. I feel like we put I'm sorry in front of everything because we don't want to come off too

Starting point is 00:02:40 brash. Yeah. It doesn't have to literally be the word sorry. It's just all of these like hedging words. They're all in the same category. And every time you lead with one of these phrases, you're undermining your own authority. And there's even a study in psychological science that says women apologize 37% more than men. Yeah, I'm not surprised.

Starting point is 00:03:01 That sounds about right. But women don't apologize more because we're actually more sorry. It's because we're conditioned to feel like we need to apologize. Right. And conversely, men don't apologize less because they're less sorry. It's just because they don't consider themselves to have done things wrong. It's more so that women are always in a default state of self-monitoring. It's like you have a lot of self-vigilance around yourself that is not as common with men.

Starting point is 00:03:31 in Western society. That sucks. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I have felt that in myself, like that narrative in my mind. So that's why I like subconsciously or unconsciously say sorry more often. Well, and it is definitely trained in girls from a very young age. Because think about the most common thing that's like written on progress reports or

Starting point is 00:03:54 report cards. Like, Jean is very conscientious, right? But what is conscientious? If you're trained to be. Thoughtful of others. If you're trained to be. awarded for being conscientious, it turns into self-monitoring over time. That's what you're rewarded for, that sort of behavior. And it turns into this kind of like underlying subconscious

Starting point is 00:04:10 level of self-vigilance your entire life. Yeah. And some examples of how this might also sound like, sorry if this sounds weird or like, sorry, just like, can I say something? It comes out in very small ways, but it makes a really big impact. When you say those things, it's kind of like a pre-rejection. like you're rejecting yourself because you're saying these statements before someone else can think what you're saying is actually sorry worthy, if that makes sense. You're undermining whatever comes after that. You're undermining your idea. Right.

Starting point is 00:04:42 Like they can't take you seriously or they won't take you seriously just because you've said the sorry or the pre-qualifying statement. Yeah. And it's actually so ironic because the reason you're saying that is to make other people feel better, to make the people who are receiving your message or receiving your idea to have them feel more comfortable. Yeah. And I feel like we're talking about it in the workplace or the professional space, but it also happens in relationships as well, especially in dating when you don't feel like you have the ability to take up space or to voice your thoughts.

Starting point is 00:05:16 I actually have seen this from a very young age from the very first job that I had, which was, remember, I was an intern for a ocean preservation nonprofit company. Yes, Lay. Yes. Slay, Slay queen. My boss, she was actually the director of the entire company. She ran everything. She was like so, so important. And every time she asked me to do something, she would say sorry. She'd be like, oh, sorry, do you mind doing this?

Starting point is 00:05:44 Or like, oh, thank you so much. She was saying sorry. And then she would say thank you, like 50 times in advance. And I was just literally a minion. I was a nobody. And she was so, so, so both apologetic and appreciative at the same time. It was confusing. It was just kind of her mode of work.

Starting point is 00:06:02 And I understand why she was that way because she was raised in that environment where she had to couch her words that way. Interesting. But she was the first basically corporate manager or like corporate leader I had ever worked with. And so I kind of modeled myself after her subconsciously where I was like, oh, this is how, you know, women are supposed to behave in the workplace. This is like, I don't even think I said that to myself like in those words. But that was just what I learned. Yeah. So going into work, that was kind of also how I behaved from the very beginning.

Starting point is 00:06:34 Well, it's interesting because she's also, I know who you're talking about. She's also of a different generation. Yes. She's older. And I can see that like if she is one of the few women working in her job in that organization, that like you have to come off a certain way. But like nowadays, I feel like it's times of change. Like that's actually super harmful to have that sort of approach.

Starting point is 00:06:57 Yeah. But like think about all of. the women who are my age who grew up under women of that tutelage. Exactly. Women of that generation where that's how you subconsciously were trained to behave in the workplace. And it's just kind of as like self-perpetuating generation after generation until you watch this podcast.

Starting point is 00:07:15 Until you watch this podcast where we're giving you the hard talk. Break the chain. Yeah. The intergenerational trauma of apologizing. Of apologizing. You're learning to apologize at home, at work, in relationships. apologizing for things you don't need to apologize for. Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 00:07:32 Okay, so how do we actually reframe all of this? How do we address this? So the answer is don't apologize. Instead, you should clarify and then lead from there. So here are some examples. So instead of saying, I'm sorry, I'm late, you could say, hey, thank you for waiting. Or instead of saying, sorry to bother you, you could say, hey, do you have a moment? Or instead of saying, oh, sorry if that's confusing, you say, let me be more clear.

Starting point is 00:07:53 Yeah, I like these because you can kind of see how often they show up in. your own vocabulary and how often that you're speaking. And I, instead of saying sorry, I'm late, I always go for the alternative of thank you for waiting because it shifts it into a moment of gratitude. And also, you just take out the word, I'm sorry. Yeah. And then people are like, oh, you're welcome. Yeah. They feel good. Yeah, they feel good. I think that's actually a really good one. If you were to start with one and you wanted to sort of monitor yourself in a way or at least try to take account of how often you are saying sorry, this is a really good one. Yeah. Another one that I personally use and love is more in like personal relationships and not really at work. It's like if you're like venting to

Starting point is 00:08:38 someone instead of being like, I'm sorry I'm such a burden or I'm sorry for like venting. I'm sorry for going on and on. I'm super stressed. I'm sorry for being a downer. You just say thank you for listening. Or like, I really appreciate you listening. And that's like another way to say thank you instead of I'm sorry. That's a really good. Yeah. I do that all the time when I'm vending. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:00 Be like, oh, I really appreciate. I really appreciate your time. Yeah. Yeah. And they feel good too. They're like, yeah, I listened. That's a good phrase. It's one I think I don't use enough.

Starting point is 00:09:10 But it's almost like you need to practice saying it. Yeah. I appreciate you listening because it feels a little awkward to say it first. Or just say it feels a little bit formal. But I think. I appreciate. to you listening. No, you can just say thank you for listening. Or like, it's kind of awkward, but after you're, after you've gone on a rant, you're like, hey man, thanks for listening.

Starting point is 00:09:31 Hey, dude. Hey, girl. Hey, dude, thanks for listening. I'm just like, thanks for listening. Yeah. You can do one of those smiles. You know, like, thanks for listening. You're welcome. Yeah. And as you guys know, we have many exercises throughout this episode. So you can take what you're learning in this episode and applying it right now as you watch. So the first mini exercise we have for you is to write down three of these sorry phrases that you find yourself saying quite often, whether it's in an email, like you write it out or if it's in a meeting, you say it out loud or even like when you text someone, like it can come out very quickly and unconsciously.

Starting point is 00:10:13 So now rewrite these I'm sorry phrases and rewrite them in the confident and direct alternatives that we gave you. And so instead of saying, I'm sorry, it can be showing a moment of gratitude or some of the alternatives that gene provided. Yeah, and definitely try this exercise, because this one small shift can totally change how you're perceived and not just by others, but also by yourself. Okay, next up is a really good framework. This is all about the ways that we shrink ourselves in order to be liked. But first, a quick break before we dive in. This episode of Tiger Sisters is brought to you by Read AI. Yes, and it's not just another note taker. It's like an AI co-pilot that can read, transcribe, and summarize your meeting notes. It reads the energy and vibe

Starting point is 00:11:01 of your meetings to give you the next smart steps. I'm obsessed because it's like having a chief of staff that manages your inbox, your work meetings, basically your entire work life. Yeah, last week I missed a meeting and I was able to type what did I miss and Read AI was able to give me the top takeaways, the key points, and also the sentiment. It was kind of like magic. And it works across Gmail, Teams, Notion, Salesforce, Zoom, basically wherever you do your work. And you know me, I never give apps access to my Gmail because that's super private, but I actually made an exception for Read AI because I personally know the founder, David

Starting point is 00:11:37 Shim, because we used to work together at Snapchat. And you guys might remember we actually interviewed David Shim on season three of Tiger Sisters when he was talking about his new startup, which is actually Reed AI. And now Reed has over 4 million users. Wow. Wow. And they're giving Tiger Sisters listeners a 30-day enterprise trial, which is worth $30 and that does not require a credit card to sign up.

Starting point is 00:12:02 We don't know how long this 30-day free offer is going to last. So if you're at all curious, try it right now. Go to www. reid.a.i. slash Tiger Sisters for a free 30-day extended trial, and you don't need to put in your credit card. Sign up through our link because then they'll know that we send you. We're obsessed with Read AI and we think you're going to love it too. Okay, so this is framework number two, shrink to fit.

Starting point is 00:12:25 Gene, can you tell us about this? Yeah, so this framework is all about sort of softening yourself so that people are more receptive to your message and even receptive to your being. Whether it's in dating or at work, this is something that women are doing all the time. Yeah, I hate this because it feels like we're chipping away a part of ourselves to become more palatable or just to become a version that's like more acceptable to other people. Yeah, more vanilla. Yeah. But Michelle Obama has this quote that I love and I actually saw it recently. I'm going to read it word for word. She says,

Starting point is 00:12:59 I have been at every powerful table you can think of and I'm still the most qualified person there. Dude, isn't that so good? Yeah. I mean, she's a boss. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you forget. she used to be Barack Obama's mentor. Yeah. That was how they met. She was his, like he was her intern, I think, when he first came in, or he was her analyst or something like that. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:21 Okay. So the way that shrink to fit actually shows up in your day to day is like qualifying your thoughts, staying silent in meetings, or even downplaying your own achievements. And there is research from Yale that even backs us up. And it shows that women who self-promote often are penalized socially, even when they outperforming. Yeah, I hate that, but it's so true. But it makes sense then why as women, we're doing this thing where we're softening ourselves and we downplay our achievements because we don't want to be penalized socially. Right. So if you have even an ounce of self-awareness or you're able to read the room, you're naturally going to be conditioned to do exactly that. Okay, Sheree, so do you have any examples of this that you can share with us? Yeah. So when I first started working my first job out of school, I was 22. I was pretty green. I was a product manager and working with a lot of engineers. I was really concerned with being liked more than respected.

Starting point is 00:14:18 And now, like, when I'm working with, like, a team of people or engineers, like, I'm able to say, like, what is the timeline? Like, that's a very normal thing to say. But, like, me, when I was 22, I was, like, so nervous about stepping on people's toes or coming off the wrong way or coming off demanding. I'd be like, I'd be like, so, like, when do you think you can kind of get this done? And they'd be, like, five weeks. And I'd be like, oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:14:42 like let me let me get back to you on that like I was just like so once like now I'd be like five weeks like why not too like it's something I would like ask now and like feel like I would be in my power and also in my right as like a product manager to ask that like it was in my responsibility to actually be working with them on the timelines and negotiating and all that stuff so like my own performance suffered as a result of me wanting to be liked yeah and like in the context I think is that that was your job that was your whole job as the product manager is to deliver the project or the product on time. Yeah. So like that's actually a very natural tension that's meant to be built into the roles or like the interaction between the engineering team and the

Starting point is 00:15:22 product team. Yeah. But like if you're young and especially if you're a woman. And I was working on a very like in a male dominated field, a male dominated team. And they were perfectly nice people. And but like I just couldn't bring myself. It's not like we're like fighting with each other. It wasn't that. They weren't mean. But like I just couldn't even bring myself when I was like pretty young in my career to like kind of stand up for myself and ask for what I needed. And as a result, I just wasn't doing my job. Even like the sub level or sub layer of context under that is that you also knew the answer because you studied computer science. So it's not like you were coming in and you were just completely reliant on them to provide the costing or the swag of how, you know,

Starting point is 00:16:02 how long a project would take. You already had an idea yourself. Yeah. So like you had the context to judge if the answer was right or not, but then you were still too, I guess, scared or conditioned to push back. I was like nervous to push back. And for like my first like few months on the job. And then, I mean, now it's something that comes second nature. And I feel more confident in myself and more confident in my ask. But that's not how I felt when I was really young in my career. Yeah. Yeah. I think we've all been in situations, whether it's at work or in our personal lives, where we've felt the need to change some part of ourselves to be liked. But ultimately, the biggest show of respect, self-respect, is being authentically yourself.

Starting point is 00:16:46 Ultimately, what I've learned over the 15 plus years of my career is that it is more important to be respected than it is to be liked. And a big part of that bucket of respected is also your self-respect. Also being liked is pretty fleeting. Like, it doesn't last. Like, tomorrow they could like you the next day they cannot like you but like respect is something that lasts yeah okay so next up we have our mini exercise for you and take a moment to really reflect and ask yourselves these questions number one where in your life are you minimizing your ambition to make the people around you feel more comfortable and again that can be at work or in dating especially for ambitious women number two what's one thing you're proud of that you haven't owned out loud and i love this part

Starting point is 00:17:31 of the mini exercise because I feel like there's so many things that we're excited about and we're proud of that we just haven't said. A lot of times when people ask us about like where do you see Tiger Sisters going and because we have such huge, outsized, massive ambitions for the company, a lot of times I will, before I actually say what our ambitions are, I'll be like, oh, well, you know, like this might seem a little bit crazy or like this might seem a little bit outside of the norm. It's out there. I know it's so out there. Yeah, exactly. I'll be like, oh, this might seem a little crazy, so I don't tell everyone, but these are our goals. This is our mission. Like, so I kind of, I do realize that I'm doing that even when I talk about our ambitions.

Starting point is 00:18:16 And like, to be honest, our ambitions are not that crazy. Because like, if you look at what we've achieved, now I'm doing the second part of it, one thing you're proud of they haven't owned out loud. But like if you looked at what we've achieved in one year where we hit number one business podcast. Yeah. In the United States. Like yeah. That's fucking insane. Yeah. Like from from nothing. I actually found myself doing that yesterday too. I was having a coffee chat with someone. And when they asked me where I see Tiger sisters going, I was just like, I know this sounds cheesy, but. Yeah. And so like I actually did it yesterday. And then I kicked myself because I'm like, after I came out of mouth. I was just like, that's not cheesy. This is what I mean. Like, I want to stand in my,

Starting point is 00:18:58 in my dreams and ambitions and power. But then, like, it came out of my mouth and I was like, you know. Because you hadn't done this many exercise yet. Exactly. So now, because you hadn't done this episode yet. Well, I'm going to take that out of my vocabulary because I'm going to stop, like, couching my. Right. Couching. That's the word. My dreams and ambitions. Yeah. Because they are what they are. And they're big and exciting. One of the reasons why I said it was cheesy is because, like, there is one percent of me that's like kind of scared to say it out loud too. Totally. Because I'm like, yeah, I don't know if this is going to work, but like here's my big awesome dream and ambition.

Starting point is 00:19:32 Yeah, you're like, oh, it's just little o me. It's little me. It's kind of just like a dream. But like, so I think it's also internal too that like I believe it, but I'm like also a little bit scared. Yes, totally. But that's why the exercise is good. To even just say it out loud to yourself in your bedroom. It's kind of like putting a little bit of power.

Starting point is 00:19:51 It's putting it out into the universe. You know I believe in that. Well, also, if you guys would like to share them in the comments, like something that you haven't said out loud that you're proud of, like we would love to celebrate you and respond to your comments and like it and cheer you on because we're on this journey with you as well. So drop a comment below and we'd love to celebrate you. Okay. So now moving on to our third framework, it is asking for permission.

Starting point is 00:20:16 And this is something that people do all the time in your meetings, in your emails, in your one-on-one relationships. Okay, so this one's pretty personal. I once had a manager tell me you are one of the most qualified people in this room. So why are you still asking for permission? And he was right, because I had internalized this idea that speaking with certainty would make me unlikable. But the truth is, no one follows a maybe. So that's why we say things instead, like, oh, I think maybe we could try this. But, you know, we all know that leaders don't float ideas. They delivered decisions. And asking for permission often shows up as over explaining, over contextualizing, or things that sound like a question when they're actually a statement. Right. And you don't have to

Starting point is 00:21:04 go all the way in the opposite direction. Like we're not saying bulldoze over people in meetings, right? But we're saying speak with conviction. Own your voice. This is actually really hitting a nerve with me because I feel like I was someone who would over explain things. Yeah. Like even in like friendships or relationships or like, hey, I can't make the barbecue on Saturday because explanation one, explanation two, explanation three. When like obviously, like if it's a close friend, you're like, I can't make it for this reason. But like I would just like over explain because I felt like extra sorry when like they just,

Starting point is 00:21:40 it was too much. And I was like trying to make up for something. Yeah, because you feel obliged. Yeah. What I've done for a lot of my career, like looking back on my career, is that I didn't give myself permission to speak up in meetings because I would hold such a high bar for myself that I felt like, okay, if I'm going to say anything in this meeting, it has to be a completely novel idea that no one else in this meeting would have thought of this concept and like whatever

Starting point is 00:22:08 I say has to like bowl everyone over and they have to be like, wow, like that's incredible. It has to sound perfect. Yeah, like we never would have thought about that. And like I have to like say it in a way that is perfectly phrased and so eloquent. and like I just put all of these barriers and like requirements on myself to speak up. I didn't give myself permission to just say what was on my mind. And then like when I think back on the people, the other people in the meeting, all the things they were saying, 90% of the time I'd be like, why are you saying this?

Starting point is 00:22:38 This is so obvious. But that's because they were just saying what was on their mind to contribute to the conversation. And they didn't place all these really high requirements for themselves to say something that was like mind blowing for everyone else in the meeting. Yeah. And then to make it worse, sometimes I would say something. And then people wouldn't really like acknowledge it. Like it wouldn't spark the conversation to go in a certain direction.

Starting point is 00:23:02 But then someone else, like the VP of engineering, would then say the exact same thing, like five minutes later. And then I would be like, wait, you're so right. And then they would that, it would start the conversation in that direction. Like that's definitely happened to me. before. A lot of women place these like filters or these requirements on themselves to say like the best thing ever when like other people in the room, notably men, don't have that same like self-censoring that we have. That's number one. Number two, when you do that, oftentimes you're like

Starting point is 00:23:36 in a spiral of like figuring out what you're going to say in your head that the moment moves on. It's gone. And then you're like still freaking thinking about this thing and the moment's gone. And now you don't even have the opportunity to say this like amazing thought that you are still developing in your head. So like you lose out on the first point and on the second point. I think a happy way to address this. I know the first two are kind of bleak. But like the third is that like if you have, because that's happened to me as well, if you have allies in the room, especially if it's a male dominated room and there are men in the room who support you. There have been times where I've said something. No one's acknowledged it or like it was a fine thought. And then someone else said something.

Starting point is 00:24:16 And everyone's like, oh my God. And then I've had like my male VP, a guy who's like very much supportive of me. He's just like, hey, I think Cherie said that before. But like that's also a great point. And then like we move on. But like it was attributed to me as an original thought even when like the head of like X category said something else. Yeah. Sadly, that's never happened for me.

Starting point is 00:24:41 But don't worry. I'm not bitter about it or anything. I've had really good male allies and male mentors. that were just men who have been so supportive of my career. Back to your point about the moment passing, I think the other thing is that I might be overgeneralizing here, but I'm just speaking from my lived experience as a woman, is that I think because we're grown up and we're raised,

Starting point is 00:25:03 we're raised to be so conscientious, another part of that is that we feel like we need to be very prepared. So I'm sure there's, exactly. There's like a million studies that support this, that women are typically compared to men overprepared for any sort of like work situation or even in life like, you know, making sure you're planning ahead, like making sure things are going to work for everyone. And it hurts you when you're in the room because a lot of times you're not going to have the exact perfect stat that you can call on to make your point, right? But like that doesn't

Starting point is 00:25:37 stop the men, the other people that are in the room from making those points and saying some sort of approximation to get their point across. So I think that's another thing that holds us back is because we're so trained, we're trained to be so conscientious. We're trained to be so, you know, A plus students that we're like, wait, I need to say, like, what is that, what's that exact number? Like, wait, what's the exact stat? Like, I need to, like, back up.

Starting point is 00:26:00 Or, like, look it up really quickly and frantically look it up on your laptop. Yeah. Like, I need to back up what I'm saying. Instead of just saying the statement without necessarily having the proof right away. And if someone asks you, oh, wait, like, where did you get the number from? You'll be like, oh, I'm going to get it after, like, let me pull it for you right after this meeting. Like, let me find it for you. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:18 Okay. So if you're watching this video, you're smart, you're driven, you're prepared, oftentimes overprepared. Stop second guessing yourself and know what you bring to the meeting. You bring a lot. Like you bring a new perspective. And especially if you're on the younger end, like you're just starting your career out, you bring like a younger new insight that the other people, like your VPs, your bosses,

Starting point is 00:26:39 they don't have that insight. And so stop second guessing what you're saying. and like you're prepared. What you're saying is good. Like say it out loud. I wish we could go back in time 10 years and have you say that to me. Oh. I'm saying it to you now.

Starting point is 00:26:54 Thank you. I'll be sure to speak my mind in our next one-on-one meeting. Okay, so let's bring it back to the mini exercise, which is all about trusting your preparation, trusting your conviction. There's two parts. So one, take one permission-seeking phrase that you commonly use. And then two, practice saying that same idea without hedging or seeking approval. I like this because the more you practice it and saying it out loud, it sounds kind of silly to do.

Starting point is 00:27:25 But if you can say it out loud by yourself in your room, it's going to come out much more naturally when it matters and you say it at work or in that conversation that you're having with your boss or with your friend. Yeah, do the dry runs. It's literally a dry run. Yeah. It sounds silly, but it's necessary. Yeah. And finally, we're hitting the bonus framework that you've all been waiting for. This one, it's kind of toxic.

Starting point is 00:27:50 It's toxic gratitude. Don't get me wrong. Gratitude is really powerful and I practice it every day in my life. But it becomes pretty dangerous when it becomes a shield for fear or unworthiness. It becomes pretty toxic. And so toxic gratitude can sound like, I should be grateful. I even have this job or this relationship. Or they didn't have to pick me.

Starting point is 00:28:13 I'm so lucky and I'll take whatever I can get. Yeah, that really resonates with me because I definitely think I've I've said those words to myself before and I have stayed in a job for way longer than I should have because I was just so grateful to even get that job in the first place. Like it was my dream role and I was like, wow, I can't believe I'm actually in this job. And then I would use that like gratefulness to sort of paper over. all of the things that were deeply, deeply wrong. Yeah, I think it's pretty dangerous because it's disguised as humility. And because just gratitude has such a positive, like, you know, rap in

Starting point is 00:28:56 positive connotation. But like, honestly, it's just like telling the world, like, oh, I'm just lucky to be here when you deserve to be there. Yeah. It's actually a very negative self-messaging in a way. I guess I just have never thought of gratitude as something that could be toxic, which is why I feel like this is the bonus framework that, like, is blowing our mind that made you shooketh. Yeah. Because, like, everyone sees gratitude. You see all these, like, pop culture things, like, these Instagram posts, these podcasts, like, always be grateful and there's gratitude. But gratitude does come in a pretty negative form when you're just, I'm just grateful to be here. Yeah. The fuck. It kind of reminds me of the concept of, like, sunk cost in a way. What do you mean?

Starting point is 00:29:41 where you use the gratitude to justify doing something or like doing something or not doing something or to like justify all the things that are actually wrong with the situation. You use it to like paper over all of that. Yeah. Yeah. You sound like every single investment banking analyst that ever existed. God, that's so toxic. That just gave me flashbacks.

Starting point is 00:30:05 That's so toxic. You're like, I'm so lucky that they chose me. I'm so lucky to be in this position to have this. to have this job. So many other people would kill for this job. Yeah, I'm like in this, I'm like my first job out of school at Goldman. I was like,

Starting point is 00:30:18 there are literally five analysts in my group worldwide in my year. I am one of them. Like how did I get into this role? I don't even know how to use Excel. I mean, that is pretty lucky. But that's why I remember in that episode when I was talking about like,

Starting point is 00:30:34 I was always the one that had to photocopy and print out and put together all the deal memos. Yeah. That was what was in my head. head where I was like, well, I'm just lucky to be here. And I'll do whatever it takes. Yes, if they want me to make the deal memos and they only ever ask me as the only woman on the team, then sure. I don't think I even had that thought. I wasn't even aware enough to recognize that part. Or like I knew it deep inside me, but I never wanted to confront it because I was like, I don't have

Starting point is 00:31:00 the brain space and the brain energy. Or the sleep. To have one more thought. Yeah. Yeah. But now, 15 years later on a podcast, here you are confronting it. Yeah. Confront yourself, guys. Confront yourself. Alrighty, Gene. So should we wrap up? So today, guys, we talked about three ways that women sabotage themselves, plus the one bonus one about toxic gratitude. And let's review them quickly. So the first one is the sorry reflex.

Starting point is 00:31:26 The second one is shrinking to fit. The third one was asking for permission. And then the fourth one we just talked about is toxic gratitude. But after watching this episode, you have the ability to rewrite your own role in all of this. And so here are some power moves to try this week. So number one, remove sorry from your vocabulary. Number two, speak one unfiltered truth. And number three, own one win without shrinking it.

Starting point is 00:31:55 And we would love for you to share your win in the comments, like we said before. We're so excited to celebrate you. And if you guys were shooketh at any part of this episode, then please share this episode with one of your friends or many of your friends who need to stop apologizing for their brilliance. And please remember to like, comment, and subscribe because when you subscribe, you are notified when the latest episode drops of Tiger Sisters. Thanks for watching. Bye!

Tiger Sisters - The 4 Habits Holding Your Career Back & How to Break Them (Stop Saying Sorry)

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