Tiger Sisters - What the World’s Most Powerful Women Do Differently

Starting point is 00:00:00 Have you ever looked at a woman and thought, how does she look so calm, cool, collected, and powerful? We've spent the last decade studying the habits of high achieving women. In this episode, we'll show you the real playbook, the daily tools and tips that the top 1% women follow. Back by science used by the most powerful women in the world and tested by us. And today, we're bringing down the five habits that actually make a difference. And no, it's not drink lemon water or water. wake up at 5 a.m. These are actual methods that are backed by research, science, and results, and we're bringing them to you today. I'm Sherey, I'm Gene, and we're the Tiger Sisters.

Starting point is 00:00:41 We are the internet's Wall Street and Silicon Valley Big Sisters. And we're a top 10 business podcast on Spotify, where we talk about money, power, and love. And for each habit, we're going to share where it came from, from a business book, a psychological research study, an executive training program and we're going to give you a real life case study or two like we did at Stanford's business school and Harvard's business school. And finally, we'll have many exercises for you to do in each section so you can apply it to your own life today. And don't skip this next part. It actually changed our entire mindset about what it takes to level up. And the first habit that we're starting with sounds simple, but it is career changing. And that's separating fact from feeling.

Starting point is 00:01:39 This is one of the most powerful ideas from cognitive behavioral therapy, also known as CBT, and it's used by leaders, therapists, and high performers to stay clear-headed in high pressure and stressful situations. And this is something that is constantly reinforced in leadership training. In fact, aside from the case studies, there's a whole HBR Harvard Business Review article that is called Emotional Agility that's all about this. Susan David writes that the key to resilience isn't necessarily. just not having emotions, it's actually just separating stimulus from response. At HBS, this is a key

Starting point is 00:02:16 lesson that's taught in leadership classes where emotional regulation and leadership sort of skills are taught side by side. And a lot of times you hear the professors say separate signal from noise. And this habit really trains that muscle. So something really tactical that you can do is an idea from Brune Brown. To create space between stimulus and response, you can write down these words. the story I'm telling myself is dot, dot, dot. I really like this prompt because it creates space and it separates what is your perception from what is the reality. We actually learned this phrase at Stanford in my interpersonal dynamics class because

Starting point is 00:02:55 something that's really important is separating intent from impact. And this is something that Jean and I talk about specifically in our Stanford Business School episode part three. And I think this just takes it to the next level because you can actually write down the story in my head. The story I'm telling myself is this. And it's a very clear way to make sure that you're only talking about impact and not intent. Yeah. And to bring in a case study, a really good example of this is the former CEO of PepsiCo, Indra Nui.

Starting point is 00:03:27 So what she used to do is during tense meetings, if someone said something that was potentially kind of like negative or inflammatory. she would actually write down what they said verbatim so that she could actually reflect on it later instead of reacting in the moment. And what this actually did is it helped her avoid having an emotional reaction distort the actual data. And so the mini exercise for this section is to take five minutes tonight and jot down a moment that triggered you. In one column, write exactly what was said and done. Basically, what is the observed behavior. And then in the other column, write down how you feel. And remember, you should ask yourself, did the event cause my emotion or did my interpretation

Starting point is 00:04:10 of the event cause the emotion? Damn. Okay, next we're moving on to the second habit. And definitely don't skip this one, especially if you ever looked at your calendar and felt totally overwhelmed right after this. Applying to business schools, it's a lot. We know. Every decision feels high stakes.

Starting point is 00:04:30 Where to apply, when to apply, how do you stand out? You're Googling everything alone, hoping you're not making a huge mistake. Those months applying to business school, they were some of the most stressful of my life. Having an expert to guide you through the complicated application process, that's a game changer. And that's why we've partnered with MBA mission. They're offering Tiger Sisters listeners free, personalized one-on-one MBA consultations. You can ask their experts anything and get advice you can use right away.

Starting point is 00:05:02 The essays, the interviews, sharpening your own personal narrative, think of them as your own personal counselors to help you with the entire process. They are the leaders in MBA admissions consulting, and I wish I knew about them when I was applying. So go to MBAMission.com slash consult and pick Tiger Sisters in the drop-down menu to claim your free consultation today. Book now before the calendar fills up. Check out the episode description. We have a special discount for Tiger Sisters listeners for MBA missions special on-demand platform. They have over 25 hours of videos that take you step by step in the application process. All right. Now back to our show. Okay, the second habit is called

Starting point is 00:05:43 Ruthless Calendar Alignment. So this is from Greg McCown's book called Essentialism, and honestly, it's changed our lives. So Greg is a Stanford lecturer who now trains execs at companies like Apple and Google. And the whole premise of what he says is he argues that success doesn't come from doing more. comes from doing less but better. And the most important habit here is that your calendar reflects your priorities. And just like a personal anecdote is that I live and die by my calendar. Gene and I do calendar invites for everything. And so like if something is put on our calendar by someone else or if your calendar is controlled by someone else, like a coworker or a boss, you're kind of at the whim of what someone else wants you to do. So like something you can do is like go look at your

Starting point is 00:06:30 calendar and figure out what your values are. Because if you say you want to spend time going to the gym, but you don't have a calendar block, is it really something that you value? Exactly. And that's basically the entire premise of essentialism. And this is something we talked about a lot at HBS. We actually did this case study called Cheryl Sandberg defining leadership. And one of the big things that she talks about in it is how every day she would block off time for dinner with her family because she said that was her priority. And so she was like, I need to make sure I reflect it in my calendar. And since this was her non-negotiable, it was kind of a power move on her part. And it was also a way of her leading and defining the culture of Facebook. Is that like she wasn't just showing it was what she said. It was by what she did. And so the exercise walkthrough that you can use today is to print out your calendar for the last week. Go through each of the events on your calendar and color code them. Green means it's aligned with your values. It could be work. It could be personal. It could be working out. It could be anything. But then color code, it read. if it does not align with your priorities or your values.

Starting point is 00:07:34 If it doesn't serve you, cut it or delegate it. Because if you say yes to everything like panels, dinners, events, meetings, you will find that your calendar is controlled by other people and not necessarily by yourself. And that's not even something that you're doing like consciously. It's like subconscious because then things and obligations are just put on your calendar and you feel like you have to do them.

Starting point is 00:07:59 Essentialism. Okay, coming up next is one of the most underrated habits on how people perceive you, especially if you're the youngest, the newest, or the only woman in the room. And we'll get to it right after this break. Quick pause, Tiger fam. This is Sheree, and we just dropped a brand new listener survey. It's different from the audience survey that you hopefully already filled out. It's 10 quick questions and 2 minutes max.

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Starting point is 00:08:49 Now back to the show. And we're back. Okay, so the third habit is owning the room with language. So you can always tell who has power in a room, not by who's speaking the last. but who is speaking the most clearly. And I think a really important premise to understand is not that language reflects power. It actually creates power. Yes. And one of my professors, Dr. Deb Grunfeld taught this at Stanford's Business School. Power is signaled in the language that you use. So hedging phrases like, hey, I just wanted to say, or I think maybe those definitely weaken your

Starting point is 00:09:24 message. Yeah, and this is definitely a topic that we cover at Harvard Business School and also in Harvard Business Review, there's tons of articles about this. So there's one that's called Your Words Matter, Talk Like a Leader, where it basically explores the sort of gendered language that usually comes into play whenever people are talking at work. Yeah, there's honestly even a meme about this where I've seen on TikTok, people are like going to write my emails like a man and like, you know, the woman is like backspacing and like removing all the exclamation points and all the the justs and like removing the weakening language. Right, because adding these fillers, like I think or just, like you might think it makes you sound nice, but really it comes off as uncertain.

Starting point is 00:10:05 At Stanford, in my executive communications class, we were taught to count these phrases when we give our presentations, record ourselves, see how many times we say it, and try to remove them because we want to remove the weakening language and make sure we sound as confident as possible. Honestly, it's so hard. I, I still, we still get comments on this podcast where people say, I say the word like all the time, and I know I do it, and I'm trying to cut it out. But it's something you have to practice over time. It doesn't just happen. You have to be very intentional about it.

Starting point is 00:10:40 Jinks. Jinks. So to bring in a case study, Michelle Obama is a really good example of this. So in her book Becoming, she talks about how she would practice her speeches for weeks to remove all the filler words. She studied cadence like a performer. Something that I'm trying to do to remove filler words is instead of putting an um or a like, I'm trying to pause. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:03 And use the power of the pause so that what I say sounds a bit dramatic and sounds less uncertain. Yeah. I think that that can be really hard for people. But again, it's something that you need to practice. And that's why Michelle Obama, when she speaks, she sounds so clear, confident, direct. It's because all of the things, when you're not. because all of the things when she gives a speech are practiced. The cadence, the language, even the pauses, she bakes those in exactly where she wants them.

Starting point is 00:11:32 I feel like you're doing it now. Am I? It sounds good. Oh, thanks. Live. It sounds good. Wow. I wasn't. I wasn't. Okay, thanks. Thanks, Marie. Okay, so this exercise walkthrough is very quick, but record a voice note from a meeting.

Starting point is 00:11:47 It doesn't have to be the entire meeting. It can just be from a small portion. And it's when you're speaking so that you can listen to it. back afterwards and count the number of times you hedge. So this is, you know, the phrase is like just or sorry or I think actually. And if you can count those and then later go in and rework those sentences. So instead of saying, I just wanted to follow up, you could say instead following up on our last note. Actually, you know there is software now that does this. So for example, Read AI. One of our sponsors for our podcast. Yeah. It actually records your meeting and not only does it take note of the sentiment, it takes

Starting point is 00:12:31 care of the taking the notes, it gives you the action items, but also it tells you how many filler words you used and what percentage and how you can improve it over time. That's what's kind of like a coach. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Okay, just in time for habit four, which is to ask for feedback before you think you're ready. So this is from Kim Scott's radical candor and the whole premise behind this is instead of trying to be perfect and showing up only when you're done with everything, show your work early instead and get feedback early on. Yes, I love this book by Kim Scott. It's actually a book that I read very early in my career. I think one of my managers gave it to me when I was at LinkedIn. Albert? Albert. Everything good goes back to Albert, whether or not it should be

Starting point is 00:13:15 attributed to him. But what this book says is that early feedback is what separates fast growth leaders from the ones that plateau. Damn. Top women ship early and often and feedback is not a weakness. It's a gift. Right. And in the Harvard Business Review, they call this the feedback fallacy, which is that most people don't actually grow from either critique or praise. They grow from insights. And the only way you can get these insights is to actually invite this feedback. And this is something that we practiced all the time at Harvard Business School. And in fact, it was like a very core part of the entire experience in curriculum, which is that in every class, you're expected to speak up and give your opinion on the case, whether or not you actually know

Starting point is 00:13:59 the industry or like fully understand the premise or if you're an expert in it or not. The whole point is to just give your opinion and practice speaking as much as you can. Oh, and one more point on that is that actually 50% of our grade for every class was based on class participation. And it's not how good your comment is. It's literally just saying a comment at all. So they're always incentivizing you to speak up and kind of like say something even before your thought is fully baked and before it's perfect. And this is a muscle that especially women need to train. Yeah. And I think this is really important for women because oftentimes we can try and perfect our thought or our message in the meeting room. And we're like trying to figure out the best and

Starting point is 00:14:43 most perfect way to say something. But oftentimes as we're doing that, the meeting is still moving along and I'm just going to talk from personal experience. I'm like thinking in my head. I'm like, how do I word this so that I sound smart and I'm not like sounding like an idiot? I know what I'm talking about. And then the meeting moves on and the moment passes and you're like, oh shit, I can't even say what I wanted to say because then it's like over. Yeah. And on that point, one thing I had to really work very hard to get over is that I always had such a high bar for myself. in any sort of comment that I would contribute, I always felt like it had to be something

Starting point is 00:15:18 that was like groundbreaking or nobody else had mentioned or thought of and it would, you know, people would be like, wow, like that's crazy, never thought of that. But that's not what men hold themselves to at all. Yeah. Like they just say whatever the hell comes into their mind and they will just like say it in the thing.

Starting point is 00:15:33 And go with it and feel confident about saying it. Yeah. So I need some of that energy because what I say is smart. I just need to believe in myself. Yeah, and you just need to believe that your contribution is worthwhile. Yeah. But now that we have our podcast, we can say whatever we want. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:57 It's just the two of us. Hell yeah. Hey. And as a high-powered leader, normalize getting feedback as a habit and don't feel like it's a performance critique. Yeah, and that's another big part of the idea of the feedback. fallacy is that feedback doesn't have to be perfect to be useful. It actually just has to be directional and timely. Okay, so moving on, this final habit might seem very simple, but it's actually the one that creates the biggest change over the long term. The biggest lifestyle

Starting point is 00:16:31 change that you can do is actually a recommendation from James Clear's book called Atomic Habits, and this is to bring in identity habits into your life. So the idea is don't just set goals, set your identity. If you want to write, don't say I want to write. Say I am a writer because these identities are what drive your action. Okay, so we're going to give two examples of this. So the first one is Beyonce or aka Sasha Fierce. So this one I feel like is pretty well known. But the idea is that Beyonce took on this persona called Sasha Fierce, which she used for both interviews and for performance in order to kind of make herself not nervous for any of those things. So she basically took on a new identity as her performance stage identity. Right. And it's kind of, they call it mental priming.

Starting point is 00:17:21 And the second example is Simone Biles, where she talked about in interviews before, that she uses affirmations and identity work as part of her Olympic training. So she would say things like, I am powerful, I am unshakable, I am the best gymnast in the world. And all of that is not arrogance, obviously because she is the best gymnast in the world, but it's actually identity. they call it identity locking. And it's neurolinguistic programming is what it is. Yeah. I mean, affirmations and mantras are so important because what you say is how you actually

Starting point is 00:17:59 perceive yourself. Like so much of what you say is perception. And I saw a video recently and it's just like language is key because think about an example. Like if you're with someone who calls you like a dummy like every day. like a partner, like that can be really hurtful to your identity of who you are, even if you do think you're smart and you know you're not a dumb person, but just like having that language around you chips away at you slowly. So I think having a very clear identity and language combination

Starting point is 00:18:30 helps you build the best habits. Okay, so the mini exercise for this is to pick an identity that you are currently stepping into. So maybe it's founder, creator, investor, athlete, And every morning you say it out loud. So you say, I am a CEO. Or you could say, I am calm. Or you could say, I am smart. I am unshakable, you know? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:55 There's actually a mantra that I listen to in the mornings. It's on Spotify. If you just say, hey, Spotify, play Davina Ho on Spotify. She has a bunch of these, I guess they're like songs, but basically they're like morning mantras that I play. Yeah. And you just repeat after her for like 15 to 20 minutes after she's just like, I am unshakable. And you're like, I am unshakable.

Starting point is 00:19:21 Wow. You just repeat after her. And sometimes I play it in the car on the way to the gym. Is this the key to your success? Perhaps. So first of all, it plays automatically when Cherie's. I like to wake up to it because they have a couple of different songs. And one of them is like a wake up one.

Starting point is 00:19:38 Well, and then when she's not here, it still plays automatically every morning. it off. It was only Monday through Wednesdays. Gosh, and I've turned it off since. I am unshakable. I am unwakable, except for when her mantras comes on. Davina Ho's mantras. Oh, and then the last part of the mini exercise is that you actually take some actions that reflect your I.M statement. And if you guys feel comfortable, we would love it if you could share some of your I am identities in the comments so that we can see them, we can comment them, comment on them, and we can all just like feel part of this together. And feel very supported because we're going to like them too. We'll like and reply. So thank you guys for tuning into this episode. We're going to do a quick takeaway section

Starting point is 00:20:27 and recap what are the five habits that really transform your life. And so the first one is separating facts from feelings. This is where we talked about cognitive behavioral therapy. The second is being super ruthless about your calendar priorities and making sure that they align with what you feel is your most valued activities. The third was owning the room with language. This is where language transforms into power. And remember the example with Michelle Obama. Number four was to ask for feedback early from radical candor.

Starting point is 00:21:01 And remember that feedback doesn't have to be perfect to be useful. It just needs to be timely and directional. And then the last one is identity-based actions from atomic habits. And remember the statements, I am. We so appreciate you guys tuning in into this episode. And if you enjoyed it, please remember to like, comment, and subscribe. It is so important that you subscribe or follow this podcast because then you get notified every single time a new episode drops.

Starting point is 00:21:28 And I have a different request for you this time. This time, we're asking you to screenshot this episode and tag us at Tiger Sisters podcast on Instagram. and write your favorite habit. And then we'll repost you and show you on. And finally, we have a newsletter, so please subscribe to that, and you'll get even deeper takeaways from each episode that comes out. Thank you guys so much for tuning in, and we'll see you next time.

Starting point is 00:21:52 Bye!

Tiger Sisters - What the World’s Most Powerful Women Do Differently

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