TigerBelly - Bert Kreischer & The High-Def Photo

Episode Date: October 8, 2025

Bert Kreischer reunites with Bobby & Khalyla for a scientifically inaccurate. We chat breath-holding, OnlyFans ethics, Korean Aquaman, high-definition human anatomy, Bobby marrying Leanne, boxing lessons, high school photos, whiteface. Earn points on rent and around your neighborhood, wherever you call home, by going to joinbilt.com/belly Everyone gets a FREE CHANCE AT FIVE THOUSAND IN CASINO CREDITS EVERY DAY with NEW Daily Rewards Rocket! Just log in, launch your rocket, and claim free rewards daily. Make your play on DraftKings Casino. Go to helixsleep.com/BELLY for 27% Off Sitewide. Exclusive for listeners of TIGERBELLY For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, ED, Weight Loss, and more, visit www.hims.com/BELLY

Y'all, what's up? I'm going to be on tour, specifically Portland, Oregon, Spirit Mountain Casino, November 8th, 2025, one show, 7 p.m. I'm also going to be at Reno, Nevada, at the Grand Sierra Resort at 8 p.m., December 6th, 2025. December 6th, come check it out, y'all. have you got you done it because you posted it yesterday how long can you hold your breath i can hold it longer than you i'll tell you that man no fucking i could hold my brother longer than you yeah yeah he's not for sure yeah he's sick in oh captain vape Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even with my vape, dude, I can fucking hold it a lot longer. But we got to put our heads under water or something. We can't just do it like this.

It would be an honor system. You can play the honor system with Bobby? Damn, dude. There's no way Bobby. No, Bobby's going to... They call me KAM, dude. Do you know what KAM is? King something?

No, Korean Aquaman. Oh. That's what they've been calling me for years, dude. The cam. Cam, dude. Korean, man. You want to do it now? Let's see, no, do the one.

Let's hold our brothers. Is it, no, but hang on, you got to do the one where it tells you, like, it takes you around a lap on a course, you know. Oh, that's cool. There's like a visual. Yeah, it's like a visual going like, you are, you have dead lungs, you have medium lungs. Oh, that's fine. You have a Navy SEAL's lungs. I always have Navy SEAL lungs.

Whoa. You do? Yeah, but you, I hold my breath. Yeah, dude. No, but how long can you hold your breath? Well, I don't know. I've never done it before. You would have a contest?

Yeah, let's have a, it's a fascinating podcasting with contest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to do the nose hold. Why? Because that's how we know it's legit. Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah.

All right, well, I'll hold my nose. No, I'll hold your nose. Oh, I'll hold your nose. I'll hold your nose. I hold your nose. All right, all right. All right. Should I just timed it?

Wait, wait, do you want to hold both our noses? Okay, yeah. Yeah, you hold both our nose. Okay, but hang on, let me see what this one is. Hit start. And by the way, if everyone wants to play a lot. I need a rebel for this. Unless you're driving.

Okay. No, no, if you're driving. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. Wait, what's the restarted? Are you? You have basically four seconds to inhale. Here we go.

Ready? Follow it along on screen. Get ready. It's going to stop pretty soon. And now. Cat, whose nose is more oily? Uh, Jeff, Bobby. I can't tell him.

Staying locked in, Bobby. Bert's fading. Damn, guys. This is crazy. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's more than 25 seconds. No, no, no, no, no. Keep going.

I'm on a timer. I'm out. Did Bobby beat me? I did. I told you. Korean Aquaman beat me. Cam? Dude, I'm Korean Aquaman.

I can see under water for five minutes. Dude, you should be collecting sponges. Korean Aquaman. Really? You couldn't beat me? No, I panicked. I panicked because I was like, he should be out by now. No, no.

I know. I was like, there's no way. I'm half dead, dude. Bobby, that's incredible. Yeah. Is that Osempic, do you think? No, it's not a thing. That's not a thing.

That's not a thing. It's not a thing. Yeah, yeah. Wait, how many cigarettes are you smoking a day? A fuck a pack a day. Wow. What? Yeah, you'll never beat me.

You're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. I think it's mental. It's a, dude. It's a, dude. Namaste. Yeah, Steven's all mine, dude.

Dude, hey, Kalala, you know what I just did? Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Oh, she'll beat all of us. I know, I know. She's a deep sea diver. Um, hi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll beat all of us. Kalala. You're a pretty good diver, too. No, no, no, no. I just beat them in a fucking breathing contest. You know what it is? It's, it is, uh, you have, it's a mind game.

I feel so good right now. Yeah. I usually can hold my breath for a minute and 25 seconds, but that's because I, I've been, I do it in bed by myself with no one watching. Well, you just do like apnea training just for a shit in game? Leanne's not watching you or anything? No, I just do it myself. I'm getting under pressure, though.

Well, you know what he's really good? Because he has already sleep apnea. And so he probably holds his breath in his sleep, like normally. Dude, I die my sleep. Three, four a.m. did, I'm dead. Really? For like 20 minutes. And he wakes up abruptly in, like, his whole body.

Yeah, and I start dancing. Yeah. As soon as I wake up, I have sleep apnea, but I don't know. I don't believe I have sleep apnea. You have it, no one does. No one does. No one does. I don't think anyone does. You have it. I don't think anyone does. Look at your youthful. I think it's bullshit just like, uh, dentists.

But no, but you're not, it isn't bullshit. Do you not wear a CPAP? No, okay. Here's a deal. Okay. So you're telling me. Talk to her right. Talk to her right, though. If we go, if we go into, uh, into a technological pandemic. meaning energy cuts out energy cuts out yeah and we all have to live on fire and water that we have in our tub it doesn't know anything okay that Joe Coy would die this makes sense he would die so Joe Coy would die why I think people who hang on so just for so we're clear Joe Coy was it not for him having money should be dead

yeah what what do you mean Joe Coy is is I'm with you dude but what do you mean Joe Coy I'm following along now is but a gift of of technology Joe Koi should not exist. Josh Koi should be dead because without technology, he would not be alive. It's true. Well, I'll explain it to Bobby in simple terms. See, I'm like a heart. No, because he has sleep apnea.

But such severe sleep apnea. So when you have sleep apnea, you're actually not receiving the oxygen in your body for extended periods of time. I have it. I mean, over time. Your heart becomes enlarged. God. I mean, lady.

Your heart becomes enlarge. God, God, God. Your heart becomes enlarge. A lot of these things. Your memory starts to go. Like your body starts to deteriorate. Yeah, I know, I have it. I know, and I bought you the machine.

Yeah, and I don't use it anymore. I don't use it ever. You have yours? It's crazy to put a scuba diving mask on and then go to bed. I know. It's crazy. As a matter of fact, I think I'd rather be found dead in a bed than alive and with one those masks on.

Like, it's crazy. I did the test. They took me down to Ventura, and they took, or not Ventura, but Ventura's coldboard. He doesn't listen. And they take you up in a building, like a building. like a building, like a building, like seven story building. They walk you into a waiting room, it's a waiting room. The lady says, are you ready?

And then she takes you into a serial killer's bedroom, as if a serial killer rented in office and said, I will kill people in this room. Yeah. Because it is made up like a bed, there's pictures, and there's curtains. It looks like, no, but it looks like, it looks like a psychopath's bedroom.

Okay. Because it's in the middle, it's in a fucking industrial building. If I was a surer killer, I wouldn't kill you. Do you know why? I wouldn't know where to do you? to hide your body. What would you hide in? Can you imagine Bobby trying to get rid of my body?

Trying to dismember? No, no, just drag it to the next room. I know, that's what I'm saying. I said to Leanne yesterday, if I was a serial killer, I would kill people for little offenses, societal offenses. And then at the very end, I say, I'll let you go if you can figure out why I'm killing you. Oh, that's awesome.

What kind of societal offenses? So there was a girl yesterday at Farm Boy, who, was going through her Raya on speakerphone with her best friend and I was having to listen to it without having the privilege of seeing who she was talking about. So she's like, well, he's got a blue check. He says he's, it says he's friends with RFK. And I'm like, who the fuck is this?

Wait, hold on, I wanna guess who is this? Yeah, I'm like, who is this? Because we're on Ryan, I'm on Raya. I think I know who it is. I think I know what it is. Yeah, give me the age range. She was young. I know, but the guy

Joe Biden. No, it's not. It's, um, your friend. Joe Biden. Joe Biden on Raya. I bet you it is. Bleep that. He's killing it.

No, it's nine years old. It's a typewriter. What? So, so you'd kill her. So, no, what I'd do is I'd, I very easily could have followed her home. I very easily could have. She was totally not paying attention to anything. Like she walked to her on speaker flipping through Raya, talking to her friend,

got in the car and I was like, okay, very easily can I follow her home. Wow. Right? I follow her home. I got her parking garage Hold the elevator, hold the elevator, and then I'd get in the elevator with her, and then I'd attack her, and then I'd take her to my house,

or I'd wait until she got to her room, and then I'd bind her up, and then I'd say, I'd be like, just so you know, there's a reason I'm killing you. Do you know what it is? I'm going to give you three guesses. Okay. And she'd be like, you're a fucking lunatic.

I go, that's wrong. You could have been right, but that's wrong. I don't know. Was it because I was going through my life on for me? Can I be the girl? Can I be the girl? Yeah. What are you doing?

Yeah. Good? No. It was so much. Why so much moaning? No, because I'm knocked out, right? And I'm coming to. And you're having an orgasm while you're talking.

It's called acting. Why are you coming so? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Deep-Dip, deep, deep. I thought it was on auto tune. No, okay, let me, let me do it. Okay. Okay.

I think, are you ready? I think it was wrong. You're unconscious, you're unconscious, okay? I know. Okay, you ready? Hold your breath. Hold your breath. Hey, wake up.

What, what? Wake up. Yeah. Oh my God, what's going on? Hey, you've been tied up. Not good? No, no, you're doing. Why did you shake your head?

No, this is so dark. Okay. Yeah, I know. I'm gonna sound like a fucking lunatic. Although, you haven't fantasized about killing people before? Yeah, yeah. You're not living.

Yeah. Right? If you haven't at times been like, I'm not certain that person deserves to exist. You should probably like, yeah. Okay. A lot of people like that. You're nodding a little too hard over there.

Can we go into the scene? Okay, yeah. I'm in the role right now, dude. Yeah, yeah. It's, I can't hold it. I can't hold it, dude. Okay. Wake up, wake up.

Yes, I'm awake. Who are you? What's going on? So I'm going to tell you all my information because I'm probably going on. You're asking too many questions. Oh. Okay. That's not why I'm killing you.

I'm going to let you guess. Three guesses of why I'm killing you. Okay. What? Three guesses. You've done something to offend society. Yeah. And I am here to help you repent.

Is it because of, um, okay, um, I let my cats out at night. For the coyotes, you're worried. For the coyotes. Yeah. Do you really? Yeah. Intention, no, no, no, no. I meant, is this character really lets her cat up?

Yeah, that's what I'm doing. No, it's not that. It's not that, but that is horrible to your cats. No, that's why I'm kind of throwing out the- Christ, because as a character, I'm like, what would it be why I would get killed him? I don't see this person as a cat person, if I'm being totally honest. The person that's captured?

Yes. How do you know her a bit? I'm so sorry. How do you know me? Don't cut that. Keep that. Lady? A small dog, probably a hypoallergenic labradoodle.

Back to scene, okay? It's because I haven't called my dad in 20 years. No, no people allowed to have problems in their family and make decisions. Yeah, uh, is it because I, um, microwaved my frogs? Wow, Bobby. So Asian. Alive? I microwave frogs alive.

It's just, I like the pop sound. You know what I mean? One minute, take. Pop, pop. You know, it's cleaning the microwave is crazy. It's all this green goo. It's not that. I'm going to give you one more guest.

Serial killer stuff, say it. Serial killer stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the victim. I know, I know, say crazy. Crazer stuff? Yeah. Well, okay.

What do you, the director? Go crazy, go crazy Go crazy Oh, go crazy? Okay, is it because that I have A clutch of Baby toes?

Oh A clutch as in a purse? I think he said collection I have a collection of baby toes Wait, are you the serial I don't know, you said go crazy I know you got to out crazy him So he backs off

Yeah, but that's not the part Actually right now I'm like, you know what? I kind of want to leave you alone Because you're a lot of girl And I want you to meet this person on Raya. But I was going to kill you because of Raya. Oh, because of Raya? Oh, I can then do it.

Can I masturbate when you do it? Jesus Christ. What a fantasy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you stab me, I'm going to just start touching my cotoris. What's the craziest thing you'd allow a girl to stay during sex, Bobby, that would not turn you on? What you'd say? What's your boundaries during sex where you'd say, that's too far.

I've got to tap off. Don't say nothing. Oh, like really. Don't say nothing, dog. Wait, so just... Shut the fuck up. You don't want her talking. What's the craziest thing she could say

that you're like, okay, this is scary, I need to get out of here. I mean, things that were hurt my family, like, is that it? That would hurt me. That's all of it? What if when she got naked, she went like this? Oh, look at that guy.

Oh. Oh, shot. Yeah, I would probably, I would do it, but then kill myself later. Yeah, yeah. We should invite someone else. Oh, wow. That could be hard.

Well, yeah. But then you know what I would do? What? It was I tried to jam my testicles inside the vatch too. To fill the gaps. Let's go back to the frogs in the marshal. Jesus Christ. Pop pop, pop.

Do you realize that's not anatomically, like, possible? You would have to bend your dick and then push up. What do you mean? I think you can do it. To jam your balls in there? Yeah, I use my hands. And just, like, pack it? Yeah, pack it in there.

Yeah. Would you take your balls from behind or would you grab like this and shove in? What do you mean? I don't understand. Would you reach from behind and push in? Or would you just reach like this? Well, it's in from the bottom. So I'm missionary and I would just, you know what I mean?

With my hands, I would reach around like I'm grabbing around. Guys, do you feel like podcast is over? Do you feel like why are we doing this? Yeah, you're right. You guys are leading me down a path of despair. It was fun while it lasted. But let's just let's just like Rogan do it. And then let's all just go back to doing stand-up.

I don't know why we have podcasts. No one prompted you with a whole shove-the-balls thing. That was all you. No, no, no. No, no. This is the problem with podcasting is we've talked about everything. I know that's the problem.

Now we're forced to think of things we've never said and where we end up is shoving balls in a pussy. Frogs exploding in the microwave. That's a new thing. I swear to God, I've been toying the idea of getting rid of all my podcasts just because it's like, it's like, I'm not a fucking. Brodcaster?

Yeah, me either. Like, what are we fucking doing? Yeah. What is this? You know what we should do? Now, hang on. Now there's a safe search. It is physically impossible

for a person to insert their testicles into a vagina. Thank you. Okay, thank you. Yeah, I've never seen it on porn. Yeah, me either. theoretically doesn't work. Okay, I get it.

Unless your balls were like filled with blood in the same way a boner is and it's like hard enough to enter. It's getting too dirty. But it's smushy. There's not a chance. Yeah, let's move. That's intro.

Let's intro. Let's do a little ginger to clean. They're a pallet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Balls. Sorry. Okay. Oh, Christ shows here.

I love you so much. Collasia cat. Okay, anyway. Welcome. Thank you, Craig Robinson. Yeah. Oh, you know what? Okay.

I don't know what that means, but okay. All right. This is what I want to do. Very good idea. We've talked so much on podcast. I keep repeating the same things over and over again. I think we should you and I try to come up with stuff that we've never talked about. Bill, Bill!

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and are subject to game and expiration limits, terms at casino.draftcings.com slash promo sponsored by D.K. Crownholdings, Inc. I keep repeating the same things over and over again. I think we should you and I try to come up with stuff that we've never talked about. Okay. And that's, no, don't put on new. No, no, no, no.

No, I write down ideas for stand-up. I don't never say them in podcasts. Yeah. Because stand-up is stand-up. Stand-ups where all my original ideas go. And then podcasting is where all this shit I go. I'd never say this on stage goes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So, Gilbert, can you come out with some ideas? Here, here, okay. Yeah, he'll chat you between. to you it maybe I am you are yeah I'll give you some stand like some stand up your act no it's not an act it's ideas what is up what's don't you have I fucking okay like I have ideas where I go I this wouldn't work on stage but it's a good talking point like the other day I'll tell you okay I'll get perfect idea okay good you ready for

this yeah I did this on two bears so now I said it twice but it's a good idea Tommy and I are adopting a only fans girl for two bears we're gonna have an only Two Bears OnlyFans girl. Okay. And then we're going to help run her only fans, create her only fans, generate content for her only fans, produce her only fans, and help blow her up so she can make a ton of money. Kind of like a, like a, like a kill Tony of only fans. Like someone who's good and talented, but only has a minute. And you, at bad friends, should do the same thing.

Kind of like you're fostering. Yeah. Yeah. Is it a boy or a girl? We haven't made a decision yet. It's got to be a guy. It's got to be a guy. It could be both.

It's got to be a guy. Why? Because it's a little creepy, no? No. No, no, here's, here's, I don't, okay, hang on. I don't understand why everyone doesn't have an only fans. Like, for real, if I had boobs, I'd have an only fan. Yeah.

There's no reason not to have an only fans. That's why I don't have one. Yeah. But you have feet, you have feet. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but they're crazy that you can make $10,000 a month. They look like Gargaw's feet.

Okay, they don't look like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever look at buildings? Have you ever thought about having an only fan? No. as like a thing with my podcast but not in like a sexual way now god maybe I just have lower standards you would have one no

you get naked for free like what do I show me and you were naked your dick what are you talking about you know I would your butthole I would do someone I would do it with you yeah okay let's do let's create an only fan too and I would do it in a heartbeat I'll keep but I don't understand what the fuck I understand that but what are we doing in it dude whatever our fans want us to to do. Yeah. I feel like, no, you shouldn't be at the mercy of that. You should say your own... That's how you make

the fucking cash. But I think you can't go like full-blown asshole. Like first day, you gotta go slowly easy. Yeah, we're not going full-blown asshole. Bro. Yeah. I don't... I mean, like, I'm... I only... I can't understand. Like, no, I can't understand,

like, if I just posted, if someone's like, send me a picture of asshole, and I sent them a picture of my asshole. How would they know it? It's your asshole. And who cares if it is or isn't? It's... Yeah, no, it's gonna like. Like, it's not like someone's going to go, look at this asshole. Yeah, yeah. I know the first photo we do.

What? Assholes? No, no, no. Yours is hairless. I've seen your assholes. I know. I understand that. But the public hasn't.

Wait, you don't have any hair on your assholes? No, there's hair free. There's no hair. He's like a fucking chicken show the world that. Yeah. You know what my assholes like? What? Remember in Lord of the Rings, right?

Yeah. You know what they go into the minds of Moyer and they can't find the door opening. It's all the same down there. Right? And then they say Elvish and then the door thing opens. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I read the book.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the first photo we do. What? Hunter Gatherer. Oh, so you're going with themes. Yeah, we'll do a theme. Okay. You're a hunter, right?

You have, you know what I mean? A spear? And I have a basket. I'm just picking fruit. And holding his breath. Tastefully nude? Yeah, every photo gets more explicit. See, we're naked.

It sounds like a calendar. It feels like a calendar. The first one, yeah, but then it'll get into, you know what I mean? We'll go into the cruise. States. October. Yeah, yeah.

I can't understand that any woman's broke when you could just do Onlyfans. I feel like it's maybe over-taxurated. It's hard to be like the 1% earner. Well, I don't know. I have friends that are like, that get messages from random guys that are like, if you just wear these shoes

for a week or something, I'll give you five grand. And I'm like, where are those guys? I've never had those guys. But hang on, you haven't, you haven't fielded those. This is great. If you're listening right now,

you haven't fielded those questions. Oh, yeah. Like what would people pay to see you wear? Like there's weird fetishes. Like when I met my wife, my wife had a pair of fry knee-high boots. The second I met her, I was like, light tan. And I was like, God damn, but those are hot. And I just always like, her naked in those boots.

Holy shit. Now, as a fan sitting off. I don't want to visualize that. That's so sexy. It's so fucking hot. And by the way, sidebar, I saw a bunch of girls wearing those exact same boots at a Florida State game. And I was like, oh my God.

Let me ask you, if you got a divorce with Leanne. She'd have to die. Keep going. It's hypothetical, man. I would not get a divorce with her. I would murder her before I got a divorce. Okay. I would murder her and get rid of the body and then fucking stand at a podium and be like, I'm so lost.

Hypothetically, though. Hypothetically, we get a divorce and I murder. Go. Okay. No, she's still alive. I bring her back in her life. Okay. The murder was unsuccessful.

She's been able to escape. Yeah. Okay. She dropped the... Okay. You guys heard my murdering techniques earlier. Hey, go ahead. You drop the charges.

Yes. All right? Yes. You can be free. Okay, Leanne and I get a divorce. And then you find out that I'm dating Leanne. Oh, my God. Right?

Let's be real. Let's put it. Now it's for suicide. No, I call you. Right? And I'm, because I'm a man and I man up. Yeah. And I'm real.

And I'm going to go, I'm going to be very mindful. I look at you right. And I go, listen, dude, I've always had feelings for her. And she, you know, it's been a year. She gives great gift baskets. She gets great gift baskets. She bought me some knives. You know what I'm?

and some chopsticks because she did buy me chopsticks once because I don't know why you sent me chopsticks but it was really nice I think we know why she's thinking

that's exactly why they're like a high end you know what the goal and a kimono yeah yeah yeah and a fan and a gong yeah

I don't understand and I go listen I love you dude and Leanne loves you and we're like we're kind of family anyway I'm just date is it all right

do I give your blessing get your blessing for dating Leanne no be real dude we're friends look at me right now look at my my bear friend look at me dude yeah all right we're bros look at me right now i love dude i love bro look at me i love you so fucking much dude all right do i have your blessing what would you do we're face to face what would i do yeah yeah yes i was giving my

blessing and then i would start a campaign to ruin your life Yeah. You would start slowly with George and Ila. I'd be like, you never call him dad. No. Never can't go. It would be Opa. What?

I'm sweating. I just started sweating. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's the deal. Okay, let's be for real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you, if I got a call. They're moving in, by the way.

If I got to call. Your kids are moving into my house. Oh, my. Bobby, what are you doing right now? By the way, they don't even live with me. Yeah. I know, exactly. My place is going to be better.

Wait, and Bert, they get a mastiff. Okay, this is all very. Hang on. Now that got really fucking... Yeah, we have a mastiff, too. No, hang on. Oh, my God. I'm sweating right now.

Is that a... Sorry, I think that was... Our bull mastiff just passed away. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. That's okay, yeah. I'm sorry. I know, and I'm trying to get Leanda

to buy a new one, and if Bobby was dating her and then she got a new bull massive, that would be... That would be... I would be... Like, do you ever see the scene from say anything when he's got a boombox? Oh, yeah.

Imagine if he had two guns. Wow. And just out in the front yard, Blook up, blook up, blok up. Yeah, what would you do? They're living here's a deal. Your whole family's going to be on my house. If you said, if I got a call from the store,

let's make the scenario different. Okay. I got a call from the store, and they're like... The comedy store. Yes. And they're like, hey, Leanne's here. And I'm on my way there. And I'm like, what?

And they're like, Leanne's here. And we want to give you a heads up. We know you have like a... You're doing Tripoli show tonight. And you're in the OR at 10-10. But, uh, she showed up. And I go, why the fuck's she there? Tell her leave.

They're like, we can't. She's dating a regular. Oh, this is fun. This is fun. Yeah, and I said, who is it? And they said, who do you want it not to be? Okay, okay, here we go. There's no way I'd be number one.

You're not number one. Yeah, yeah. I can name you 30 people that you... Yeah. You're not number one. Yeah, yeah. Who not to be. Yeah.

But is you top 10? I don't think I'm even top 10, dude. You wouldn't even think of it You wouldn't even think of it If they said it's Bobby I'd go Thank God Yeah

I'd say thank God Because I think I could Yes you can I think I could stomach her with Bobby Way more than Like if they're like It's Marin I'd be like what the fucking shit

Yeah It's I can name a little She's holding hands with Jessel Nick I'd be like Hang on stop right there Stop right there Jeff die

Oh okay It's over and I like I like these guys I like these guys I just I'm not dealing what if you went fortune like fortune themes

I'd be so cool with that that'd be cool so really so fucking you fortune yeah even Whitney I'd be like no that can't have that oh no

oh my god that's so much fucking drama in my life yeah but being fortune okay you and fortune yeah

Jeff's I mark Maren Anthony Jusselnick Brad Williams oh I'd let her date back yeah Adam Ray

I pull out a fucking gun really oh in a heartbeat Are you kidding me? Jeremiah Watkins. Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it would bother me. Yeah, it would bother me on so many levels. I'd be like, hold on. What the fuck. Brian Monarch. That's a deep cut. I'd be like, well, he's persistent. Yeah, he's.

That's a joke only a comment. I know. That's a really good joke, though. He's persistent. I understand how he got in her pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, well, he just, he called you. He texted you every Monday?

Yeah. I'm sorry. I would never do that. Dane Cook. Oh my God I know Livid Yeah

Is that number one do you think? No No No one Number one would be black Obviously Yeah Kicking up

J.J Walker Jimmy Walker Donnell Rollins That'd be fun though So funny Yeah you'll never see her again Do you know Donnell would never let you

Live it down Oh that's right It would never be like We're cool right He'd be like You know what I'm doing right? Like Donna would never I couldn't

write it on the wall, the store in the way thing. I say that because I think that I'm kissing obviously come on I would never. But Actually now that we start doing the list you're in the acceptable group I know that's what I know it was in Brad William What a group

Why am I in that group? Why am I in that group? You're the one that started this I don't know I'm asking you right now Why the fuck am I in that group? You started this Yeah but why a dwarf and a lesbian. Why am I in it? You know why.

No, why, Kat? It's so serious. No, what? Cella, why would I be in that group? Because you're a dwarf lesbian. Oh, you're the Venn diagram with them both. You're in the middle. I'm the combo deal.

Yeah, yeah. You're a fishing. I'm the third option. Okay. I get it. I get it. If you want both, you can...

Bobby Lee. Do you like Brad Williams, but you don't have the game to get fortune? Bobby Lee. I would love if she did it, Fortune. Because she's so great. Nothing would change in our relationship. I'd just start hanging out with Fortune.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I think you and I should start one, but you know what? We blur, this is how we make our money. We blur all the privates, and they have to pay to get the full. That's called OnlyFans, dummy. That's the mission statement.

You can't believe you have it. A successful business. It's just like Instagram, but you see more. Yeah, yeah. I've got a great idea. Why don't we blur the pictures, put the blurred ones on Instagram. No, I'll tell you why I said that. Because I've been on OnlyFans.

Sometimes they show the whole thing up front. That's poor strategy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Here's the deal. I take so many good semi-naked pictures that I want to post them. Yeah. And I don't.

Yeah. I do some. Some I do. Do they just hang out in your phone? Yeah, you want to see one? Do you have a hidden folder? No, I don't know how to do that. Oh, scary.

But he's like, I've got enough. I'll show you a picture I want to post so bad. Yeah. Wait, so I have a friend who has a platform called Hidden that's not like OnlyFans, where they only, you can pay, people can pay to access your hidden folder. That sounds bad I like. Wow.

Also, if you make a folder, don't call it private because I had a girl go through my phone. She goes, what's private? And she clicked on it. What wasn't it? You called it private? I got it private. Oh, that's so good, dude. That's a great picture.

Yeah, yeah. But that's not full penis. No, it's not. Oh, that's a good one. It's tasteful. I mean, it's more like artistic. It's artistic. I got it from two angles.

You should do a calendar, no? This one's higher up. Leanne took it. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, I want to post it so bad. You look like you've passed away, though. I know. Yeah.

That's why I want to be found in a hotel. Yeah. No. What's the facial expression? Are your eyes closed on that one? I think I'm so fat. At that moment, not that I'm not so fat right now, but at that moment, we were in Hawaii

and I was on a bender. Breakfast buffet? Every day. The four seasons breakfast buffet. It's the best. What island. On Oahu is the best breakfast buffet I've ever had in my life every day, every day. And I can't, I mean, I'm like, I start mish-mashing where I go in and I get the frittata

and then I scoop the eggs off the top of the Benedict. and I make the eggs Benedict for Tata. Like, my mouse's watering. I do bowls of pancakes. Like I take the pancakes, put them in a bowl. Put butter, pancake, butter, pancake. And then fill the syrup up like soup and then just match it all up

with a spoon. Jesus Christ. Can I ask you about the layer of the butter pancake butter pancake? I love it. Why can you put the butter just on one layer? No, I'll tell you why, though. Right?

Wait, will you ask me a question so you can answer it? No, because I knew you were going to disagree. Go ahead. Well, forget it then. No, no, I'm dying to know why I can't do it. No, no, because I'm asking, because I'm confused by it. Okay, go ahead.

If I have a stack of three. Okay. Right? I just put one thick layer between the top one and the second one. Just don't shake your head before I stop. Let me finish what I'm saying. I'm done. Okay, shake your head now.

That was all you. No, so I do one thick layer. because I do, I'll eat all three at one time. But what about the bottom pancake? The drier bottom. It doesn't have the butter in between it. But the butter is in between the one and two. I still get it in my mouth.

But what about the three? I need all of them to be equally buttered and all of them to have equal much as saturation of syrup. Absolutely. I want, oh my God, the best pancakes in the world I've ever had. I wasn't a pancake guy in my entire life. What's the name of the place? Is it called the griddle on sunset?

Oh, I believe. Oh, yeah. I love the griddle. I was just there. Classic. Classic. It's the best pancakes I've ever had in my entire life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As a matter of fact, I would go to France and learn how to make croissants, crepes, you're not going to do it. I would love to be able to do that. No, no shit. Yeah. Yeah, I have a fucking tour I'm starting up in fucking a week. Yeah, yeah. Look at that.

So, so Ramsey and I were on the road. Oh, look at us. Yeah, and we, oh, you were there, and you two. Wow. And we decided to go to IHOP and taste every pancake they have. I love that energy. I love that energy. Not enough people live their life like that.

I love it. Yeah. That's after a show. I would get the Ori. Has anyone had the Oreo pancakes? Oh, fuck. Yeah. Cookies and cream.

Of course. Yeah. But the best one was the banana luce. Oh. Banana luce buddy. Foster. Foster's banana luce buddy. This is.

Yeah. It breaks my heart that not everyone sees this and goes, hey, we should do this Saturday. I know. This is something everyone should do. I have never done. I want to do this with you. Where? What?

Anytime. I'll do anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do something we don't often try. We talk about this on this pot. You and I have done this pot so many times. Yeah. And we've planned things.

We've never done it. Marathon, triathlon. All these. Wait, I'm still in, by the way. You're never going to do it with them. I've been waiting for you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all talk, no action.

We are a lot of talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we are. Because we have careers. Yeah. We're mostly talk. Yeah, that's, yeah. But you're some action. I am very much action.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I like to talk. I like to make best with people and go, because I like having a goal. Like, when I did the bench press competition, I loved to know that I was having a competition to, that if I, every time I worked out, I had something I was aiming for,

that I knew if I did the workout perfectly, and I pushed myself as hard as I could that I would achieve my goal. That's why I'm watching the Canelo and Alvarez. Crawford. Crawford. I'm watching the pre-show on Netflix. And I was in the gym today, and I looked at it,

and they were working out, and I was working out, and I was like, well, no wonder you're working out as hard as you are. You're fighting for your life. How cool would working out be if you knew that in December you'd fight for your life? Like, you go, Bobby, I'm taking you up against a guy your size, and we're going to see who can beat the shit out of the other person. Working out would be so easy. Like when you're a football player, you work out because you're fighting another man every week.

You never phone it in because you're like, That's what I think our working out needs is we need, like, everyone. You and I have to schedule a fight them. I can never fight you. You think you defeat me? He can scraft. He's a little bit... Bobby?

I would love for you guys to actually put headgear on and do... You could actually defeat me, you think? Are you being serious? Yeah. You guys just scrap for real. Here's my... Hang on. I'm not putting anything past Bobby.

He just outheld his breath because I panicked looking at it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I have... Burt has done, like, a marathon with no training. So my fear is that he can do five rounds, even if he loses the first second, he will out stamina, Bobby. Yeah, but here's the thing.

I have no feeling in my body. Kalala, you're missing out on it. Yeah, yeah, so you're missing out on my benefits, right? Oh, that's right. You have diabetic foot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, it's, I mean, I'll just, I don't know, that's, I'm, like, normally, yeah, I would say to anyone, anyone I could beat you. I've always said to anyone, I can accomplish anything.

There's something sneaky about my mom. Yeah, yeah. You say sneak because I'm Asian? And he also feeds off of you not believing in him. So it helps. That's what I feed off of. But if I feed off that and he feeds off of me feeding off of that, we're feeding off the same thing.

And I'm going to get hungry. Yeah. So at that point, it's just, yeah, who's been traumatized more than childhood. Because that's ultimately what it comes down to is how can you access your trauma and use it for your will? Yeah. The way he does it is he lowers his expectations. and makes you lower expectations of him as well. There we go.

So then you underprepare. Love this. Because you're like, I'm just a little, you know, little man who can't do this, and so you don't prepare as well, and then he is over-prepared. You won't train at all. He's studying.

I would train like crazy. If you fought me, you wouldn't train. I can get this thing. It's starting right now. I would train like crazy. You wouldn't. I would probably train the wrong thing. I'd be like, wait, I didn't know we were using our fingernails.

Yeah, yeah. Can we do this? So it's not, can we do more Jiu-Jitsu, more like M-M-A? How about amateur M-M-M-A? Let's do M-M-A so I can do groundwork. There's no way I can catch you. You're like a squirrel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like a, like, there's no way

I can't catch Bobby? You're kind of like slippery. What is, can we just calculate? What is the reach advantage for Bert versus Bobby? Bert's probably like 74 inches, Bobby 64. Stick your arm out all the way. Put your hand. Yeah. Like, do a fist on my face. Now put your hand out, Bobby.

you have a whole foot and a half reach advantage on it that was that was crazy I'll get there I'll get there I'll get there

I know I know I think you can hit me her hand went in my mouth Bobby was yeah yeah real yeah I'll get there dude Bobby do you have a shoulder yeah

are you missing your humorous I'll get there though yeah yeah yeah yeah that's crazy because you're assuming that your hand is going to be there.

I'm not assuming. Hello. You know what I mean? Your hand's going to be over. Do you know he'd have to get so close to me to punch me he could tell me a secret? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because put the fist back up, right? You're assuming that this is going to happen.

Yeah. It's not. It's going to be like this. He's going to slip. You're going to miss. You're going to miss. I wonder. I wonder what like a real fight person would say.

Like, I don't, do we know any. Boxer boxers? There, Gilbert and Alec. They trained him with Freddy Road. Really? I saw the wild car boxing and I was like, so wait, what do you think? Both of us have zero training, right? You have never boxed? I've never boxed. Never boxed. If it was just boxing, you would

win. Why? It's just the I mean, by the way, can you believe that I am 200 and probably 55 pounds? I didn't say it. This morning I missed 305 three times. I didn't say it, Bobby. And so, no, but as you say that, I I'm still curious

where he'd what where would I slip up you it's in the conditioning okay okay I have a feeling you're you're assuming my conditioning because of my size body right well it's just when you start throwing punches it's a whole different type of conditioning okay lifting it's different than like it's different than doing like the assault bike exactly where am I going wrong well I mean get closer to the mic yeah Alex where am I going wrong I don't know if you really have like technique in stuff like that But that's the crazy part But the whole thing

I agree with Kalila Let me talk You're saying I don't know Traditional technique Right Yeah But there's Korean family

Techniques right from the Lee family That you're not aware of The Kumetei He did do taekwondo For most of his childhood That's Alex right there Who are you boxing with there That's Ricardo Ruva

He's gonna be a world champ 100% Okay That's Marvin's fighter right there He was letting me hold Mitz for him But the thing is I agree with Kalila After like round two, three Especially if you're missing punches That's when it gets even more tired

So Bobby if you can evade I would just work on like head movement Getting out of the way Oh dude And after you start like missing You have no idea If Bert lands on you It's a whole different story

It is different And you don't What do you mean? What story? You have to just be a defensive fighter Just pepper pepper pepper You can never knock out Bert This is what he'd say. You can never knock him out, right?

Alex. Huh? Sorry? It's impossible for Bobby to knock out bird. So it's just defensive and then peppering here and there. It's not impossible. Do you need a stool and a blind foot? Yeah.

And a gun. Like pinion. Like you got extremely tired. Yeah. You got extremely tired. Bobby was so fresh. You started missing and Bobby hits you right. He could still probably rock his shit a little bit.

Okay. Let's. So Bert, you would need to conserve your energy too, right? In all of it. Like you couldn't just go out swinging. Okay. I probably,

I probably only because I took fight training. I'd probably get them on, like, footwork. Oh. What about MMA? Can we do MMA or no? No, no. Why? That's where I'd say. Well, that's my strength.

I know. That's a coin toss. Yeah, that's my strength. I think any one of it would come down to Burt getting tired and Burt not laying out. Dude, what? Wait, wait. Why is, I'll go down to him getting wheat and not my skills doing it. There's weight classes for a reason.

Oh, weight classes for a reason. And I lost some. a lot of way. And if Bert's in shape... Right. And I lost a lot of way. What's the weight difference right now? I'm at 155. Yeah, 100 pounds. I'm probably 1. I'm probably 1.70. What do you have? What do you want? A lead once?

Easily 2.000. I'm at like 150, 155. What are you at? Easily 255. Oh yeah. So you're a hundred. That's a big difference. That's a big difference. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a big difference. Yeah, yeah. All I'd have to do is, what could I do like stuff that, like, where I'd, like, lock him up and then lean on him? That's what I mean. What about this? Yes, his right hand is tied.

No, I can't use my left hand. Yeah, yeah, you have to use your left hand. Oh, my God, Bobby, if you guys locked up and he leaned on you, your knees would crumble underneath you. So I'm saying, Bobby, you haven't really been working out. You know what, dude? This is so fun. Usually, I'm the delusional one in this conversation.

You know what, dude? You're this close, huh? You know what I'm trying to help you? I know, I understand that. But if his right hand was tied beyond his back, I think I could be on. What about my left hand? I think I'd be better.

off the left hand. If it's tied up, it's pretty hard to throw a punch. It's not as easy as it's... Oh, so if his left hand is tied up... It'd be easier for you. This is burdened body. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The size different. Can we do this? Can we do this? Can we do this? Me and Drew Lynch fight you. So who's short? Who's small? Who's a comic? You and Brad Williams.

No, no. Brad's not going to do shit. Brad's not going to do shit. He's not going to do shit, though. He's going to do ankle work. Yeah, yeah. All right, anyway That's fucking great

It's hilarious Yeah, that would be the difference How many do you, okay Do you think you could beat Either of the women At this table In a boxing match? Oh yeah, I'll destroy them

What the heck? You think so? I'm stronger than you think I am Oh yeah But how if we're stronger Than you think Could you beat Both women at this table?

So I've wrestled him And I've like We've spared And his strength is like Crazy For real? Yeah, like maybe I might get him And like accidentally

Fuck you, dude I said it. I forgot he was in the table. And I went, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dude, I was on the wrestling team in high school. I was good. Oh, cool. Oh, cool. No, but I can grapple. Yeah, and you're also, like, Rodley. Alex, why don't you doubt me, dude? He's, like, strangely, like, coordinated, like, his proprioception, like, where his body is.

All propiocesion. Yeah, like, he knows where his body is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. I'm all of it. He knows where his body is at all time. Like sometimes when I'm like spun around or I'm on my back, like I kind of get lost. And he is really good at that. That's where I'm like a compass. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, I love that I think he just heard that compliment for the first time. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like a compass. I don't know where the fuck I am. Exactly where I am at all times. I know north, south, west, east. I can't tell if this is your flosser or mine.

Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. Do you guys have floss? We don't have floss like that. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. mattresses for your back and your sleep oh yeah oh yeah helix guys I have three rooms in my bedrooms and I have three bedrooms and I have a helix mattresses and all my bedrooms because if I have company over and people want to relax at my

house or go to sleep or take a nap I want them to have the best human experience possible I love Helix so much I will never know that use another mattress outside of it be authentic to your audience and that's what I'm doing right now feel free to take the ad in a different direction which is what I'm doing too as well you know what I mean when you have guess you don't want them to have night sweats you don't want them to have back pain you don't want them to have motion transfer I don't

you're a guy who like moves a lot I like stagnant you like static sleep I don't want motion I want motion I don't want motion yeah I mean and uh... You don't want your company get lower back arthritis Exactly exactly That's basically what I'm saying too You also snoring back pain sleep apnea Sleeping through the night sleeping too hot

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required. See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I think that you're right. I think you're too big. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We still do our only fans. Yeah.

That seems doable. Okay, soft pitch. Yeah. What if you did a team only fans? Oh, that could be fun. Okay, because I think, here's the deal. I looked at it this way. We got fans that are listening to have only fans that aren't getting promoted.

And I was like, why don't we take one of our fans who's got an only fans and promote the shit out of her? And help her in a tasteless way, in a tasteful way, tasteful way. tasteful way, do videos that are fun and cool and part of the podcast, part of the content. It's a way to kind of add content. What if you guys did a team only fans, right? So it was like, like, so right now, a little start could be like, yo, I want to see dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

And you're like, you're up, you're up. Yeah. I don't care. So would it be like a, but would you have to show your butthole or is it kind of like whatever? Okay. Yeah, why do you keep bringing a butthole? Or this week, guess the book?

Guess the butthole. Guess the butthole. Between two people every week. And so you have your subscribers. You subscribe for like what? $5 a month. Bert and Bobby's buttholes are going to be very... Let's do this.

I have a picture of my butt holes. You know what? Let's do this. Someone take a picture of our buttholes. I have one on my phone. All right. It's in the private folder. No, no.

No, we do it on a random photo. And then you guys see each other's body. See if you can guess it. Okay. Okay. Alex is the high quality photo? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so Alex, all right, so I'll go, I'm going to go in the green.

Can you take a photo in the booth or no? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I go to my maps, can I go to Asia? So cute. If I go to my maps and I get a photo and you don't do it, it's a fucking foolish on me. Wait, hold on. I'm not taking a picture of it. Now I already have it.

He already has one. Oh, I'm just doing wine then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have one of yours too. We all have one in here. I'm flash, please. Sorry, well lit. Ali's vlog this.

Good lighting. It's what's cool. happening back then. His camera's too high-dive. It's showing things I've never seen before. Yeah, yeah. It's so bad. It's so bad.

Alex, send me that photo. Do you want mine? Do you want mine shaved or with hair? The only picture I can find is we shaved. Like, right after I shaved it. I say, do you say, do you say? I shaved because... Oh, God, dude.

Get that. Hey, guys, guys. I'm downloading pictures of bubble up on the internet. show Bobby. Okay. I'm gonna get a black butthole. Wait, can you send me the photos so I can throw it up on this spot? Oh, let's choose one.

Find one. Oh my God. Oh my God. Something happened. Something after my asshole. Something bad happened to my asshole. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh, you're going to know the difference. Oh, my God. Can you send me the photos I can put up on? It's got to be super close, though. So he thought Alex is going to give you the rundown. Burt just sent me his phone. Okay. Did you get it?

Yeah, got it, got it. All right. So he thought. Well, you see my, years ago, you sold my bottle, right? Just send me the photo. We'll guess. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God. What happened? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's so black. I can take air drawing. Oh, my God. Wait, what do you mean? I think it died.

What happened? I think it died. Because I have a picture to compare it to. I understand that. You have that old photo? Yeah, maybe use that one. Okay. This one's way too dope.

God, damn it. Why are you not close, Clyla. she's right all right you gotta go really to the anal cavity just yeah I think that we should zoom in yeah to the ring of fire so much toilet paper Bert are you still strolling for are you

come on dude I gotta wipe my bottle dude you're not gonna air it right no no no okay I wanna see it are you ready Bert yeah I'm ready have have Kat guess because I already know which is which

wait cat are you okay yeah I think so I don't know All right, I'm gonna put them... Yeah, both, yeah, both. Side by side, right, all right. No one laugh, no one's anything like an action. Oh, wait, wait, wait, before you air it, we're there. And hang on, and no making fun of each other's buttholes.

Okay, so here's what it is. Only positive critique. All right, so here's the thing. Positive critique. Right before, let me just say something. No one even smile. This is a scientific research. Okay.

We're doing, right? We're scientists. Yeah. Don't even smile. If you smile, dude, you get kicked out of the room. Got it. Okay. Don't look at me like that.

All right. You don't smile. I'm not fine. All right. All right, hold on. Here we go. Cat, get your shit together. Okay.

You got this, Cat. I believe in you. I will kick you out of my mouth. Okay, I know. Okay. Cat, I believe in you. All right, here we go. I can't believe I'm doing it.

I'm being real close. Okay. Okay. What is going? Which one is burnt and which one is Bobby? it's too close it's too close what I'm looking at

it's so close it's like we've been in a car accident and they were doing a fucking on all fours in the front seat it's too close can you zoom out do another thing zoom out a little bit what if it reveals though

oh the reveal here I'll go here I'll go a little more I don't even know Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Bobby's, I know it. Yeah. Bobby's.

It has. Dude, I got to. That, that bottom on the right, bottle on the right looks like someone just put something inside it. It looks like, it looks like when your maid does your sheet in sight. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Okay, now zoom out for the reveal. Zoom over for the reveal, dude. All right. We know the reveal. That's Bert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which one is Bert? Which one's Bobby?

That's Bobby. So left side is Bert Yeah Bobby, Bobby's got Yeah, yeah That's fine You're wrong cat Whoa

Whoa Here's the one that died You're I'm taking these off I was wrong I was wrong We deserved a podcast For the rest of our lives

This is the greatest medium That's ever been invented This is the best thing I've ever done in my life Let me see Bobby's anal you thought Bobby's was your asshole you got it wrong oh my god this might be the best game to be ever played oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god the

stretching I mean that was really what was really sold it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yours is worse is that yours there's poo you poo you poo you poo juice no that's yours Sorry, that was from Alex's camera. That was from the high definition of camera. Permission, Alice, delete those photos. Permission to party world tours starts September 18th at Rockford-Lindaway on a bird, burr, burr, burt.com. Bobby, that is the best.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That was crazy. Look at the poo. There's a little poo juice in there. Oh, Bobby. Oh, fuck. I thought it was the lens.

I thought it was the camera lens. A. G.G. Abrams flare. It was a yellow flare. Oh. My stomach. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Holy shit.

Okay. Okay. Let's reset. Reset. I can't breathe. Yeah. I have to interview Willie Nelson's son after this. Yeah.

How am I gonna do that? Did we see your butthole? Did we see your butt hole? I thought we only saw Bobby's book. Yeah, yeah. We didn't even see. We got a lot of Bobby. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, why is mine so dark around that? I'm actually kind of like shocked. We have to call dermatologists or something. Yeah, I don't know why. Wait, this is bobby's or burnt? That's burnt. Why is it so black? This one's so black

That's an African buckle It's a dye Your poo dyed your buttle Why is it so dark It's so dark It's like a brunette Dude why is it like that dude I don't like it

It's roast beef It's like a roast beef It's just really dark down there Yeah what is it's so dark You know what you... It's called a soul. Wait, Bert, we kind of rewind. Didn't you say that it looks like someone just entered it?

Because he thought it was Bobby's. You sit down about your own bottle. Oh. Oh, Jesus. Why is it so dark, though, be honest, dude. Because it's not mine. Black person's awful. He sent me a black person's phone.

He didn't even do it. He didn't even do it. do it. He made you do it. I started panicking and I could find my butt hole. And I just was like I need a butt hole quick. Those aren't your fingers dude. God, damn it, those aren't your fingers. Oh, that's not

even fair, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm not supposed to laugh at this hard. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. So you don't have a photo of your mind. I couldn't find it. I started panicking. And for whatever reason, every time I go to my map on my pictures, the first thing I see is my butt hole. Yeah, yeah. And I'm always like,

God damn it, why did I take a picture of my butthole? But then you were so quick at it And I was like, I couldn't find my buttles Yeah, yeah, you don't have to That was funny I was funny I literally thought it was yours I did too

That was so funny Oh my God It could be though That's the crazy thing It could have been your lap I swear to God Every time I go on here I see my butthole

Kat you were here What he said I'm gonna send a black person's butthole You were right here I was traumatized You tricked me You tricked me No I didn't remember

Oh so you guys You guys knew it was a black person's body He said it to me I saw your little poo trail and everything before that disappeared I can't imagine where I would have taken a picture of my

butthole Is Aslanne? Yeah It's got to be It's alright, I don't need to see it Yeah, yeah I mean, I've already seen it in your bottle You know that, right?

I know. Yeah, yeah. Well, you don't have hemorrhoids That's good news. That's good news, yeah. That black guy doesn't either Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little dark,

I don't know what's going on there. It's a little concerning, is it concerned? Is it that dark? I don't think it's, that type of dark. No, but because my skin is yellow. Yeah. But the region around it is so black and dark. Why? It just doesn't see light. No, that's not how that works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not how that works. Are you sure? Well, it's like a sunlight situation. It's a recent development is why we're concerned. Yeah, because she's seen it, you know, regular, you know? Yeah. It is pretty dark.

It looks kind of like a, like a dark patch. I wonder if it's because, I wonder if it's massive weight loss. Massive weight loss, and it's just extra skin and it all started cinching at your butthole. Because it is very symmetrical, so I'm not that worried. It looks like uniform. It's uniform. It doesn't look like a vagina when you spread it open. Type in Asian buttholes, and let's see if you see other ones like that.

But you're never going to see that. Hey, have you seen, have you seen Druski do white face? Yeah. So good. So good. Could you do white face? I've wanted to do white face for a long time. How about this? Yeah, yeah. Could you do red face, meaning red-headed face? Redhead. Oh, do Andrew like an Andrew.

Do an Andrew? Yeah, yeah. And then can you do an Irish accent? No. No. Oh no. Skibidi-o-do-d-scob-d-scob-d-d-do. Skibidi.

I don't know. It's so good. Yeah. It's so good. Redneck's the easiest accent to pull off, though. It is. Black guy and redneck are the two easiest ones. Andrew, I asked him if he wanted to do Asian face.

He said he'll ruin his career. Oh. Yeah. Like, would you do Asian face? I could do it, and no one would ever know it was me. Like that's the gamble. Yeah, yeah. The gamble is do it and then never tell anyone.

So it's just kind of like for yourself. Yeah, and to see if you could do it because here's the deal. I said to Tom, I could do if I was with Asians who had no connection with their culture. We know. I could get in.

We wouldn't know. We would know. For real? That's a but Chrysler. No. No, Asian people just talking like regular Asian people just talking like regular people. Okay, I'll do.

There's no accent. There's no accent. There's no accent. accent and they would know we I if you were like if you're saying I'm not saying like we go to a Korean barbecue restaurant and we all have to order I get caught yeah I think mm-hmm or like if I go to if I went to the Philippines I get caught because if a lot of things you could use you could use face tape you change the color of your eye I think with the body body type would be a little bit different though right unless you were like

yeah that's the only thing you'd have the sumo style or whatever sumo style yeah all right the bet I made with Tom is I think I could go to Ireland okay and do Irish face, but get pale as fuck. Yeah. And then just go into a bar and be like, at out of mighty, or whatever. Uh-huh. Yeah, that's English. That's more English. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But what could you

do? Could you do Japanese face? He's doing it right now. I'm doing it right now. I don't think so. I think there's, I, could I look like a Filipino, you think? I think so. Yeah. My eyes would have got rounder, though. There's so many kinds of Filipinos you'd still pass if you did it right. Really? Yeah, because you have the mustache

all right. Oh, right, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think the skin is too light, though. Yeah. Could I pass as Filipino now? If I got really dark? Maybe, yeah. I think so.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the Filipino, again, it's like light, dark. There's so much in between. Yeah. Could you pass as? Korean. What about just mixed?

Oh, interesting. That's not full black face. That's half black face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the white guy that turned Asian. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You did it great.

Pretty good. It is pretty good How did the... It's okay I think he's anime How did he do that? Yeah With the eyes there

Yeah I think it's surgery Yeah Oh it's surgery It has to be Yeah why do It's so strange Back in my day

White people didn't even like us And now they want to look like us No I don't think we didn't like you I think we didn't know you Oh is that what it is I think it's just representation It was like I didn't know any Asian people growing up And then when I started meeting Asian people

I was like oh this is fucking awesome That's like Kristen wig That right one looks like Kristen When's the first time you saw in Asian? Well, first grade, Sam Ho. Sam and Rhonda Ho. Yeah. And then I got Asian traumatized because Sam Ho in third grade

threw up in his lunchbox. And I was like, ah, fuck, I don't fuck with Asian food. I don't know whatever he ate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It always smelled a little off. Yeah. And then he threw up in his lunchbox. I was like, I'm out.

Yeah. And then I probably saw my first, like, I'm trying to be as real as possible. In college, we had a guy named Ron, who was Asian, our fraternity. And I didn't know anything about, I didn't know anything. I wrote a joke about it by my first man who moved out to L.A. I did not know that Japanese people could not understand Chinese people. I thought it was the same.

Like Boston and New York, like, hey, back ahead. Go fuck yourself. Yeah. And then I think when I came out to L.A. is when it kind of blossomed for me. Because we became friends with Roy Joy. Oh, I see. And Roy was just like, I'd say things.

He'd be like, that's not. I have no idea what they're saying. I don't speak Korean. a photo of me in high school, my friend group, and you're gonna be like, oh, I was pretty much white. Can I send this to you? I'm gonna send this to Gilbert. Florida was very, like, for lack of better words, segregated.

I knew one, two Indian kids are related. I knew two Asian people, Ron and Sam. That was it. A ton of Cuban, ton of Puerto Rican, ton of black, but like, that nothing of diverse, Indian, or Pakistani never, nothing, like nothing. Where in Florida was it? Tampa.

But it's also generational. You got to remember, I'm older than you guys. I'm 52. So, like, that's like, we're talking in the 70s. You know, there just wasn't... The same type. Not like it is now. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

What is that? Sorry, it was your friend group. Your friend group. So that's me in high school. So pretty much I was white. Oh, you look Filipino there. Yeah, don't I look Filipino there? I don't know.

Eric Purvis, Megan Hewitt, Craig Crawford, Alan Meadows, and me. Who are they? I have my Depeche Mode. What are you doing? So cute. Yeah, so cute. But that's how I grew up.

Hey, were you as unique as you are today then, or were you kind of more assimilated? I would do weird things where they would go, why did you do that? Weird things? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at your jawline. What?

Look at your jawline. Go back. I don't know why he's popping up. I can't see the jawline in that one. Look at that. He's very attractive. Yeah, kind of glowy. Yeah, I think it was pretty handsome.

You know, I think Leanne has always thought Bobby's attractive. Yeah. Even pudgy bobby Yeah But you are a very attractive dude I don't know what happened But something happened Wait no nothing happened

Yeah my face is not that anymore No I think you're just skinny there And you're getting skinny again I think it'll show back up I actually think as you got older You got hotter Really? Yeah because you're very like

Round and young and kind of like I don't know The mustache and the maturity did Look at the dress though It's pretty good so you know I mean Woman? What next to the University of Colorado Is that a woman?

Yeah that's Megan Hewitt Yeah she was my best buddy. Yeah. It's me in high school. That Filipino? Yeah, kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Was you have a grilling? So me. Yeah. Pull up the jewelry, so said to buy me a grill. What? Your tie is so cool. Bolo tie, yeah. Yeah, your Bolo. Yeah, this could be modern day Silver Lake on his very, very hipster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so anyway, that's me as a kid. I was, you want to see me when I was younger in college?

Go to Barstool, FSU, Instagram. There's a picture I just saw myself where I was like, God damn it, what did I do? Good or bad? I was so much better looking when I was younger. You think so? I could fuck more chicks now. If I wanted to, I could just tear up pussy.

Yeah. I have money. Yeah. I mean, is that hard? You're married? No, not at all. Okay. Scroll, scroll.

Oh, wait. Where are I? This is Barstow, FSU. Yeah, that's it. Hang on. It's, uh, maybe I was wrong. Oh, yeah, go to that one. The old school pictures. Oh, cool. Yeah, then go to this. All right, can you go back? Can you find me? Go back. Can you find me? In there? Yeah. You're in this photo? You're in that photo. Are you the left? This guy? Right here? No, no, no. All the way on the left. Hold on the whole. Oh, my God. Yeah, you're the guy to the left.

Holy shit, that is you. Yeah. Yeah, you look like Cort McCowan a little bit. Thank you so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you were pretty hot then, skinny and hot. Well, you wanna see me skinny? Yeah. Oh, type in Skinny Burt Kreischer. That's so cool that you could do that.

Oh, there's one picture that was when I met Leanne. And this is what Leanne married. If you type in Skinny Berk Chrysher. Where were you in this picture? At a beach week. Oh, cool. Oh, wow. Wow, yeah.

That's what Leanne met. That's what she met. Bait and. Switch. Yeah. How long did it take you to go from the regular to this? To this?

Yeah, yeah. It's been, I've been working on it for a while. It's funny, I was, I was. But this looks good. That was older. That was older, yeah. Okay, whoa. Yeah, that's pretty good there.

And then that's me probably the other week. Yeah. That one, you fluctuate. That was, that was when I was last on tour right before I shot my special. Yeah. But I don't, that's unsustainable. You know, me and a book.

Like the one on the right? Yeah, the one on the right. It's just like... Yeah, what are you eating when you're eating? Just steaks. That's it. I only had steaks, and I worked out like crazy. That's not bad.

This is pretty more. That's, yeah, that's right before I went on the fully little clues. But more importantly, look at my dick. Do you see my dick print? Let me see. I love seeing that. It looks bigger. That's really good.

Your balls are huge. Not anymore. Not since I've known testosterone. You know, me and a bunch of comics at the Comedy Store one night, we're talking about other, you know, headliners and stuff, and you're voted the most, just the nicest, but the comic that have helped

more comics than anybody else. For real? You've helped so many of us, you know, in, so what a beautiful couple. Young hotties. Yeah. Literally am. Jesus. Because if you're a fully unloaded tour, and they're just so generous in inviting people into doing things with you, you know what I mean?

And it really upslifts people, and it makes people feel like a part of something. And you're just really good at that. You know, Tom's good at that, too. Tom's everyone does it in their own way and I think more people do it silently whereas I do it more a little more out loud because I do events and I

in doing the event I try to bring as many people but like I've had I've had a lot of people that are I've had a lot of people say very nice things to me like that as people have gotten really successful I've had them pull me aside at different moments and go hey just so you know like thanks for taking me on the road and you're like I didn't do I did it selfishly

like I only do I only bring if I ever I'm with you and Tom ever brings you anywhere it's because it's selfish because we like you. I'd say more than like you. Like, I was talking to Guy Fiatty the other day. And he had done, he had done, he had done his show with you and Andrew. He said, you know, I only knew Bobby through you.

Yeah. And he was like, but Bobby is like, Bobby's wild. He goes, I just met Bobby at that show when we did the Super Bowl together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's so funny to go like, oh, but it's, I think it's cool to introduce people. I love, I've, someone said this about me, but it's the truth. I love introducing people to people. I love connecting people.

I love going like, hey, have you met my friend? And I do it to a fault sometimes because, you know, not a lot of people know Joe. And so sometimes I'll be like, hey, have you met, have you met Joe? And they're like, yeah, I know him. And I'm like, okay, just checking because I'm always, uh, Joe List. Oh. Yeah, you know, the most famous Joe there is.

Yeah. So, but no, Joe Rogan. And I love Joe List. I'm going to get a bunch of shit because I mentioned Joe List. But, but so it's, but it's so funny, like, I would love introducing people. I love that energy. The biggest memory I think I'll ever have is that Super Bowl weekend. It was me, you, Tom, Shane Gillis, and Trevor Wallace.

Who hit the winning field goal? I did. That's why you never count out Bobby. See, that's, okay, from the beginning, let's go back around. Let's go back from the beginning, okay? The holding the breath stuff. You doubted me, right? Kicking the field goal, you doubted me.

Because I was the last person that'd be picked on the team. I got to be dead honest with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't doubt you. I completely didn't think you'd do it. it. I thought there's no way in hell. Yeah. And you completely shocked the world. Yeah. So my point is, is that why? Because I'm athletic. I know. I play tennis. I was on the

wrestling team. I know I, you know, but I am, I'm coordinated. I have the eye of the tiger, as some say. Yeah. You know what I mean? I think it's a lot of mental. I think for you is very mentally fit. You think I am, what do you mean? Mentally fit. Like you're good with games in Yeah, game, strategy. Strategy. Oh, yeah. In and out, you don't see me. This is the one I posted.

And they say 25% of the people can hold their breath. You guys want to try it one more time now, Kalala here, the real diver. No, no, no, no. Let them, we just trust ourselves. Between the both of you, I want to see. You too, you too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go.

Oh, sorry. Get ready. But how do we? And just hold it. How do we know if they're cheating? Don't cheat. Wait, wait, wait, Bobby didn't do it. Okay.

Ready, get ready. It's going to bounce two times. Okay. And ready, get set. Go. When you're out, just let us know. Honor code. We're just doing it too.

25%. Once they're locked in, we are at 50%. Once they're locked in, we are at 50%. All right, this is where we see who follows out right now. Stay locked in, everyone. Great job. Clyla's not phased. Cat, I feel like you're cheating, but it's okay.

We have one person out. Everyone stay locked in. Cat is out. We have 70%. There's no way. All right. We hit 100%. Okay, we're good then.

Oh, we're still going, but there's no. Kala would have kept going. Back round to 25%. Good claw, thank you. I'm going to piss my pants off. That's fucking crazy. Wow. You know, as a kid, those underwater games

where we could hold each other underwater. I would stay there for days. Yeah. Yeah, just days on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Days. Just days. I would say you probably have, like, better lung capacity than me on land.

Not in water, but like... I think in water, too. No, when we're moving. Like, diving? Moving, I can't move. No, that's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to, the way you really hold your breath is by, like, hold your breath,

and then do a farmer's carry and walk weights across this thing in the back or swim. By swimming, because you're... It's easy. year like when you watch people do breath holds they like lay in the pool and being calm and everything's fine but to dive down and then to sit and then to wait and then hunt a fish and then kill the fish catch it and swim up yeah there's too much I feel like that's but again when I do it it's it's really all in the head if I even have a negative thought that enters of

like my own breath losing my breath then I have to surface immediately but if I stay calm if I say lock bin there's the fish and I'm like staying in the moment it's so chill but it's all in the head like your head gets in the way of everything like when I play this thing I refuse to lose I'd rather die yeah well I guess theoretically you can say to yourself look at that who's that's Bobby yeah he's playing the game literally against my sister who's also a diver yeah yeah yeah he did not win why do you have to to do it that. Yeah.

So scary. I'm just saying. Relax. Yeah, yeah. Is that at Turtle Bay? That's in the, no, that's the four seasons. Honolulu. Oh yeah, that's the adult pool.

That's the adult's only pool, yeah. There, he surfaced and she's still down. But still, okay. Dr. Mai Tai's is right over there. Yeah. Is that your favorite island? Uh, yeah. Because it's the most accessible, there's the most shit to do.

Amen. like, I think Maui is pretty fucking cool, but it's like, I don't know, I mean, to get over, I mean, it's not as much shit to do in Maui as there is there. And then Lanai and Kauai are kind of like, they're almost like going to a small town. And so I like that because there's like, I always go, I brought, I just brought my family, like my mom, my dad, my sisters, their kids, my wife's family. I brought everyone because I was like, this is, everyone's alive. Yeah. It's a lot of money, but you know what? No one will ever forget this. It'll be a fucking blast.

And no one doesn't love Hawaii, right? No one, everyone loves Hawaii. Everyone loves it. And my dad was like so emotionally. He's like, buddy, I, we could have never afford to do this with this to all these people. And he's like, this is like a memory we're always going to have. Yeah.

And my niece and nephew were there. It was fucking awesome. And everyone looks at Hawaii and they're like, you look around. You're like, this is the greatest place in the world. Because also that we know where to eat. We know all the spots, the assay spots. You know all the trails and all the swimming.

spots. Every time I'll call Kalada go, where do I go, she'll tell me where to go. You know what I mean? Where's the hurricane right now is passing right north of it? It went down category. It did? But I kind of wanted it, I wanted it to stay big and go north of it. So I was like, the north shore will be crazy. With the waves. Yeah, but with the winds, it's like just chop, chop, chop, chop. I can't have, I, first of all, I never read as assayi. I read acacia. Yeah. I do that with everything. My, my, my, my, my, dyslexia the other day, it said helping veterans, and I thought it said

piping veterans. And I was like, ooh. I was like, I want to see that way. It's like, I don't think Asseye is that good for you. I think it's a lot of sugar. I think it's a lot of sugar. I don't think it's a lot of hype. The Cove doesn't add sugar to their asai. What does this say you're supposed to fucking do? I don't know. It's antioxidants.

Okay. But there's other antioxidants, right? But it tastes delicious. Okay, good. Does taste delicious. It does delicious, yeah. But also assay is a Brazilian thing. Yeah. It's not like... What do you put in your assayette? I won't have it.

That makes me sick. Every time I eat it, it gives me like crazy heartburn. That and pomegranate. Wow. I just the second I have it, I'm like, ugh. Yeah, I won't have I say, but I don't like fruit.

I'm not a fruit guy. You're not like a fruit guy. Yeah, I'm not like a fruit guy. I'm not like, you'll never see me eating a banana. Like, I'm like, it's like, come on. Like, we can eat a banana. What?

Ever? Oh my God, you have a banana? I carry bananas everywhere. Are you being serious? Yeah, I'm a banana free. Oh, uh, no. It's a fucking, it is so unrewarding for that many calories. You probably don't even do peanut butter, huh?

I love peanut butter. Fuck, yeah, me too. Peanut butter, anything. I love peanut butter. If I'm going to date with a grocery, she goes, I don't like peanut butter. I just drop her off right then the street. Wait, I don't like peanut bread. Yeah, get out of the car right now.

I don't like peanut butter. No. Yeah, yeah, that's right. I don't eat peanut butter. That was the thing that made me, that drive me crazy about you. Yeah, sure. I mean, I eat it. I don't hate it.

I just don't, like, add it on to things. I dated a chick one time, and the first night we went to her place to look up, I was made out with her, and she smelled like bologna sandwiches. You. And I was like, I was like, that's a plus. I love that.

It's not that bad. But it was like, it was like weird. So I was like, wow, I haven't had bologna. Her mouth or her body. It's like everything about her smelled like bologna. And so I was like, I guess she had a bologna sandwich, you know, for lunch. And so I was like, I haven't had bologna for ever, but I don't search out bologna, but I did like bolognais on white bread.

And so I was like, well, whatever. I go maybe it's just you know whatever one sandwich the next night we go back to her place and I was and she smells like baloney and I go fucking this bitch loves baloney loves baloney the next day I wake up at her place she's like you hungry I was like yeah I'll take a baloney sandwich she's like I don't have baloney

and I was like oh you smell like baloney oh wow smell like baloney I was like oh she just said deli meats I just cat out dated her for two years and then you just start getting used to baloney smell yeah oh wow you get used to I feel like bologna has really, like, gotten a bad rap. Isn't it, like, very similar to mortadella?

It is mortadella, basically. It is, right? Mortadela, which is like... I think any sandwich meat, if I smell them on a woman, I don't like it. Hold on, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you, if you go to make out with a girl, she smells like an Italian sandwich, oh, there forever. Or how about, like, honey-baked ham?

No. Hmm. That could be nice. I want to say something about you and your generation of comic. Can I say something? You guys all smell musk. Oh, that's because we use musky stuff on it. It's like more like musky perfume.

Okay, all right. Let's jump in here. That's not what it is. I don't think that's what it is. I don't think. Can I just say something? No, no, no. Yeah, yeah.

Can I just say something? Okay. How many clones and perfumes do I have? But you're just masking a smell. A lot, a lot. Oh, okay. Hold on, hold on. I love where this is going.

This is unfair, by the way. You're unfair. You're being unfair. Because you don't have the gene for body odor, which is makes you, you know, You know, yeah, it's... Perfect, perfect? Perfect. Perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have the gene for body odor either. You don't? No, I never...

You don't? You don't? He does never smell it. I've never worn deodorant or never, I've never worn Cologne in my life. Wow. Never, well, in like, eighth grade, we did dra car noir, and we did cool water, cool water. But like as a grown man, I never wore it. My new assistant, Kyle, he dowses himself in it. He smells nice. No, no, no, but he doesn't have a ton of money, so he buys cheap clone and I told him no cologne better than cheap cologne yeah yeah and then the other day he saw me putting on cologne and he goes but you're putting on clone I said first of all it's nice cologne it's uh tom ford but I only wear cologne if I'm gonna hang out with a man who wears cologne because I don't want him to dictate the smell oh I see I got to bring a smell to it's an alfinal thing

I got to bring a smell to it we're not going to your room and and then we you tell me what we're smelling like. That's great. I bring my smell in and now we both smell our thing. Because I would never do that as a woman. I don't know if I'd be like, oh, I want to, I got to wear perfume because Tiffany's going to be smelling like it. But okay, imagine if I was like, all right, I'm going to, it's going to smell like farts today. Yeah. And you're like, I don't like farts. And you go, well, you're going to hang on me so it smells like farts. You go, well, then I'm going to do something to negate that. I'm with you. That's interesting. You're going to smell yourself instead of him. I would rather smell me than whatever

Sebastian wore. Because we don't trust Sebastian necessarily. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, we've learned, men, we've learned everything from Sebastian Manascaucoe. I'm not talking about Sebastian. I'm not just a random Sebastian. No, Sebastian Manascao. By the way, Bert and I, By the way, burn and I get our nails, isn't like Sebastian? Right? By the way, hang on, hang on, I don't think, I don't think you know that we both have just gotten our nails.

I did, I actually, look it is. Yeah, yeah. Oh, mine aren't actually. Yeah, you guys are. We're, we are doing animal style. You guys are doing animal style. Wow, like yours, Bobby. Yeah.

And also, we were cologne like Sebastian, okay, monoscalco, right? And your defense is that you got, it wasn't a bad thing. I wasn't attacking you that you smelled musky. You told me I smelled like dust. When did I, wait. Isn't that what musky means?

Yeah, when did I say? Like this. I go, what are you wearing? Is that dust? Yeah, yeah. When did I say you smell like dust? I thought that's what musky means, like dusty. No, musky's a, it's like a, it's like a, it's like a,

Yeah, it's a hook. It's not like a, hey. It's like earthy. It's earthy. It's earthy. That sounds nice. But you guys know like. All the doorman and women there at the store is small the same way. Really? Yeah. And I don't like it. But can I say something about all your perfumes and stuff? The reason I stopped wearing them is their endocrine disruptors. And as women, we cannot fuck up our hormones and things

like that. Endocrine disorders. What's that mean? What does that mean? Endocrine is a hormones. This is like such a base. That's what I wear. I'm sorry. I do wear that. I've never smelled that on you. I wear that.

Are you wearing that now? No, I'm wearing a different one. It's called Bergama. Okay. Yeah. The burgomas is very, very good. But the Sansel 33 is like, whatever. I don't know, maybe I'm not wearing.

You just smell clean hair. Okay, come here. Mine is just my hair hair. Let me smell. Oh, the ebb smell. You just smell clean. You smell like nothing. You smell different today.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, maybe I'm wrong. Sebastian did the forum, and I was getting ready. And Leanne said, oh, you're putting on a button shirt. I said, well, Sebastian's show. I've never seen you wear a collared shirt out. And I went, yeah, it was Sebastian show. Everyone's going to be dressed up a little nicer.

She goes, what kind of clone do you think he'll be wearing? And I panicked. And I went, I hope I like it because I'm going to be with him. And she was like, well, what do you think it is? And I was like, I bet I'm not gonna like it. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna pull, I only had this one thing. Tom Ford, fuck yeah, or fuck this is delicious or something.

And so I used that. I like the smell. And then I was like, okay, so that's the rule. If you know a guy's gonna be, in my head. If you know a guy's gonna be wearing cologne, then you just, you bring your own scent so you can smell you. Oh, that's great.

Sebastian night crossed paths at the improv where he was right before me, and he was coming up the stairs. I was coming down. And as you cross pat, he turned around and goes, what is it? And I told him. My point is that men, we know.

What did he smell like? Purity. I mean, the heights are life. I mean, extreme good. Do you remember what it smelled like? No, I loaded it up. You loaded it up? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. My daughter, Illa, I used to have a joke about it. But, I mean, this is the truth. This is the way her brain worked. The joke, if you ever heard, it's one of my special, She used to keep her deodorant in the refrigerator, and I saw her one day, and she wiped her finger across it,

rubbed above her lip. Oh, yeah. And I go, what the fuck are you doing? She goes, mind you own business. And then I found out, there was a kid in her class that smelled like shit. And she was like, Dad, I can't trust that he'll wear deodorant, so I wear deodorant for him.

And I put it under my nose, because I know what I want to smell. Oh. And I was like, wow, that's crazy. Wow. So it's a weird way to, like, look at life. Yeah. I put it under your nose, because that's how bad a kid smells. Yeah.

Poor kid. Someone's got to tell him. But there's always a kid that stinks growing up. And no one tells him. Do you remember this name? I remember both. I do. I do too.

Isn't that crazy? We both. Hold on. Hold on. Stop for a second. Yeah. Think about all the people that crossed your paths in lives. Think of all the times you had a cross-one person and you don't really remember

their name a little bit. Remember the kid that fell or got hit by a car when you were young and they passed away and you don't remember them. But we all remember the kid that stunk. Yeah. And you remember his name? Yep. That says something about it.

What's your name? What's your name? Timothy. Joe. Blinky McGiven. That was last name's social security number. Is it a leprechaun? Blinky Ligivin.

Sorry, it's Blinky McGinnigin. You know, the guy, though, the guy that I remember in my class in fifth grade who would stick all his boogers underneath his desk. And he had just like a whole, like, it was like stalactites underneath there. But he is a very. very rich politician back home now. And, oh, Mani Pacquayal. No, no, no. Mani Pacquayel adjacent, but like he turned out, the booger boy turned out to be a very, you know.

We had a guy that would eat anything. Go ahead. No, I was going to say, what's the weirdest thing that you remember? And then you're just about to say it. These are the things I remember. There was a guy in our neighborhood that would get naked and climb trees. There was a guy who, there was one guy in high school. Now, I never really said anything.

I was never really, I never really attacked him. But he, he let someone borrow his recorder and they played it. By the way, if I said his name, anyone that went to my caught high school would know his name immediately. And someone borrowed it and they played the videotape in it. And it was him jacking off for his girlfriend. Now we don't think of it as gay. But when I was a kid, that was gay, that you would videotape yourself jacking off. and that kid had a rough run of it.

Wow. Oh, that sucks. For all the years or just a semester? Oh, no. Oh, no. For the rest. There was a kid in my neighborhood, Armando, and he used to throw avocados

of people's heads. I like that. Yeah, yeah. And so there was three guys... I swear to God, dude. There's three guys with, like, scars on their heads from Armando. Oh, unripe.

Unripe. Yeah, they were hard. You just whip them. That guy's going to be a pro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like Armando. Yeah, yeah. Armando's good.

I had a girl in my class who had, like, or fake teeth. And she had like a retainer that she made out of fake teeth. And then she would just take it off. Oh, that's cute. Yeah. I have a family member, a distant family member who instead,

she had such a big gap between her both front teeth. So instead of getting braces, she just added another tooth in the middle. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, makes sense on paper. But when you see it in real life, it's so subtly.

Jarring. That's, you know, that's Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise had to, do you know the girl, I think, I'm not, I don't mean the slanderous, but I think the young lady from the bear got her teeth fixed. Which one? A-O. Oh, her, really? I think there's no longer a gap there, which she looks great, but it kind of bums me out because I kind of liked the gap.

Yeah, the gap, I love the gap. Like in White Lotus season three, you know, the teeth. I fucking think she's so beautiful. I love them. I think there's something so. You know, Leanne used to have a snaggle tooth, like one tooth that just shot back in her mouth. Yeah, I know.

And she had a hole right here, a dilated pore, and I fucking loved the flaw in her. I loved the flaw. But then she got them all fixed. I was like, ugh. The dilated pore. Well, they thought it was cancer, so they had to cut it open now.

If you look at her closely, she has a huge scar that runs from her nose to her lip. She's also kind of cool in a way. Now, everyone thinks I hit her. Oh. So you want to talk about your TV? Or no, is that two? No.

Okay. Tour, His tour. You tour, what's up? Oh, yeah. I'm going to start tour. What? Next week.

Okay. Where are you going? Party. I'm going everywhere. I'm doing, this is the last time I'll do arenas. I'm going back to theaters in January. I got to get a special I got to do. And so I can't.

Another one? Yeah, I'm doing another special. Jesus Christ. And so. And so in order to get, in order to get ready for it, I can't do one show a night. I have to do two. shows a night. Yeah. Wow. Cabin, the cabin on Netflix. I was just talking to someone

about how fucking great the cabin was. That was a great show. It was such a great show. Why did they do another one? Because it was during the pandemic. That was a good episode. Your episode was incredible. Your episode was the reason I don't mean this with disrespect to anyone who made the show. And I know everyone very intimately that made the show. But I watched the first cut of the first episode and I didn't like it. And I was like And it was way early.

And Leanne and Jeff Tomzick were doing the notes. Has he ever directed a special of yours, Jeff Tombsick? Every single one of them. Because Jeff wants to do mine. I love him. He's done every single one of mine. I love him.

And he'll do the next one too. Really? Yeah, as a matter of fact, I just worked on a project. I just acted in a project with him that I wasn't, I wasn't the star of. And, like, I love Jeff Tom. I love him. I love him.

I love him. I love him. But they were doing notes, I don't watch the first episode, and I was like, this is rough. this is going to be rough watch. And then I stopped watching them. I stopped watching edits. I go, you guys take care of it.

And Leanne and Jeff would go back and forth and she'd give notes for me and her. And then Jeff would give notes and we'd work to the editor. And one night, I'm laying in bed. It's got to be during the pandemic. It is during the pandemic. And I listen to Leanne laughing hysterically.

And so I get out of bed, I go, what the fuck you're watching? And she's on an iPad. She goes, I'm watching the cabin. She goes, Donnell and Bobby is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. And I go, wait, I want to see it. She goes, you haven't looked at it?

And I was like, I'm not watching these fucking things. And she, they played it. She played it. And I was crying, laughing. And I was like, whatever her and Jeff Tomzick and Matt, Matthew, and everyone that was involved in it, they worked so hard to get that raw footage so good. We were good too. We were fucking awful.

I mean, I mean, why would you, I mean, you know what I mean? But the storytelling in it is very different. It's very different. It's very different. Because we didn't go into the cabin with any script. We just literally, they were, like, four setups, and we'll figure it out. And, and I mean, nothing. Like, the beginning episode is me, the beginning of that episode with us is me on that bear, getting a painting done.

Bobby walks in, immediately gets naked, gets in front of me. Donnell walks in and walks immediately out. Yeah. And it's so fucking funny. Yeah. The next thing is the three of us doing. This is, you know, can I tell you this is before everyone to do about cold plunge and fun of us? Yeah, yeah.

This was before everyone knew about cold plunge and sauna. You wouldn't let me in? Okay. Yeah. Why wasn't wearing a hoodie? Donnell was, yeah. He was not into it.

This was so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What a great night. There's one thing I think you said about, like, was it your dad? Oh, so fun. It was so good. What was it? Really moving.

Anyway. This was, but yeah, so I just shot the TV show. That'll be out in January. Good. But I got a new special. So this is the last time I'm going to do. do arenas because I got to do I got to double up the show so I'll go back to theaters from January until I shoot the special okay and so uh I got Red Rocks is October 1st

Indianapolis Columbus uh Yakima wow wow yeah and so I'm excited I'm excited to get back on the road that's awesome yeah awesome I'm really excited to get back well guys um get Burke Reischel, a round of applause.