TigerBelly - Best of 2020!!

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

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You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. I'm a I'm a manifesting like come to me. I'm a flame in be a moth. Close mouth don't get fat babe. Yeah, but open mouth get dick. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah. So guys keep your mouth closed. So keep your mouth closed. Or if you want it, then yeah, open it.

I also want to say that, um, There's something in my eye. Oh, by the way, um, class where the Kyler runs summer edition. That's what you wanted to say. That's what you wanted to say. Everyone shut up. Everyone shut up. I have something to say.

Yeah. More, more, more. Do you have a joke? Do you have a joke? I want to keep up with one. Go ahead. Do you have one? Uh, that was good though. I don't want top Kyler. Kyler in summer edition. Can I take this off now that you said you're Joe? Yeah, you can take it off now.

But when you first started stand up, like you right away went into a like a character. Or did you try stand up? No, I went right away. I like I would because my hair was long anyway. But were you that guy off the before stand up? I was always Bobby Lee. I was a little weird. Yeah, I've always been a little weird.

I would hang out in book shops but never read the books. You know what I mean? Like I remember one time I was, um, Alan Ginsberg was at a bookshop. Who's Alan Ginsberg? He's a poet. Oh, Alan Ginsberg. Yeah. Oh boy, that made you look stupid. I'm sorry.

That made me laugh. Because you delivered it in such a way like, like, oh, he's a poet. You guys obviously don't read. And then she was like, you mean, and then you looked dumb.

Am I right? He delivered it like, I'm sorry, dumb, dumb. I didn't know I was talking to people that don't read. He is a poet and then she's like, oh, you mean, and you're like,

you're laughing. You're laughing way too hard front. You're laughing way too hard. It hurts me. Why do you do that? Why do you always treat him the worst? Like always,

every time I'm on the show. The worst. He's such a nice guy. Yeah, he is very nice. I used to hang out in bookstore. Sorry about the Allen. Mr. Ginsberg. This guy, Dennis,

owned a book bookstore. He goes, Ginsberg is here. Come hang out. And I used to hang out and we used to talk and stuff and drink coffee. You talked to him? Oh yeah, he wrote me a letter. Why isn't that hanging in here? I lost it.

I might be able to find it though, but yeah, he wrote me a little letter. That's cool. Because he thought he found me to be weird. Bro, I was just about to say it. And in my head I go, don't walk on him. Let him deliver this one.

Because I, at the time, obviously couldn't get girls, had no money. But I also would like the local music and I would go to art shows. I was kind of like floofy in that way. And then I would just hang out at bookstores and play chess

with people. Were you funny though? He was emo. I was kind of emo. There was a point where I grew my hair down to my ass. You know what I mean? I gained weight and I was kind of that guy for a while. And I was just trying to find my

way and then when the band kicked me out of the band, Lex and Superb, you were really in a band. Oh, it's online. You can see it. Yeah. Episode 228, East Coast Fever

with Chris and Yanis. Everybody, if it really affects you, people don't care. We figure out ways to deal with it. Even me, like it happened to me. I was on the show on Netflix and I got fired for a joke. Because there was an international competition

and the Chinese team was competing and they fell off the obstacle course into the water and they called it the Beast Blood. And I didn't say that. And I said, there goes Bin Fung into the duck sauce. Now... Yes. Yes.

USA. USA. And the hypocrisy was I got fired, whatever. For that? For that, I got fired. But Bin Fung retweeted the clip of me saying that Bin Fung, who I said it about, was very...

He was like, hilarious, it's so funny, he wants to come to my comedy shows, and I'm like, this woman named Barbara. Because Barbara has to fucking stand up for China. When it's like, you're fat fuck, you have duck sauce on your fingertips. You know what I mean? You know?

I love that. So it's the same thing with the middle of the country. It's like everybody wants to do the job for everybody else. It's like, relax, man. We don't have to do all these things. You have to hire a black man and a woman. That demeans them.

Let everybody be fan-squared. It's 2020. I understand there's still subtle racism or maybe major racism in parts of the country, but it's like, we get it. It's such a show business. It's hard for everyone. Even in 1999,

when I got mad TV, they didn't want an Asian. They never had one. They even said he's not going to get it. And then when I did get it, it felt... There was no movement. Asians weren't the it thing.

But I still had the opportunity. And I hit it out of the fucking park. And I got it. And that's America. It's America. It's hard for everyone. Episode 239. My First Pandy. I had one fucking meltdown yesterday.

And I apologized for it. What happened? I got on my hands and knees and I said I'm sorry. But that's after I threatened to not feed you. Yeah. But you know what? When Pol Pot or some of these guys,

they did what they did. They don't feel guilt. They don't apologize. But I immediately realized the errors of my wrongs. And I got on my hands and knees and I fucking apologized. I'll tell you what happened. The thing is,

let me say what I want to say. Your case. Go ahead, sir. Yes. Thank you so much for providing the things that we need to survive. But Papa needs other things as well.

Such as? Papa has received K Minamoto. Luminati. 50 cans of Diet Coke. Portos. Bakeable treats. Anything you have ever desired. I have gotten you. I know.

You said this is my first this is my first pandemic. It is. I've never been in one before. You got to ease him in. I don't know what the fuck. So the next pandemic, I'm going to tell you right now, I'm going to be very well prepared. I'll have all the Diet Cokes that I need.

I'll have all the Luminati's, Pizza I need. I'll have all the Portos and all the things prepared. I'll get another freezer. Because right now we don't have a lot of freezer space. But you know, I'm going to have all the things ready the next pandemic.

If there's an alien invasion, I probably won't do it right at first. Because I've never been through an alien invasion. Do you know what I'm saying? Is that we as people, some people like me, I'm just a I'm a working class guy.

Blue-collar. I'm not educated. Episode 274. Bill Burr is on Bobby's radar. I know you don't like compliments. You get uneasy about compliments. So I'm trying to sort of get you away.

Why can't we just keep doing what we're doing here? No, because it wouldn't be Tiger Bell if I didn't, you know what I mean? Make it a little weird. I'm just going to tell you how I discovered you. I do my whole career for you. I was struggling until

Bobby Lee not discovered you in terms of like you did it on your own obviously, but no, in terms of my awareness of you. Can I tell you that story? I remember it was a big day in my career. Bobby Lee is finally aware of me.

Am I on Bobby Lee's radar? This is when things start to happen. I'm not going to allow this to happen. I'm just going to plug away. You know what I mean? I'm going to talk to him all you want. I can hear it.

Plexiglass, it's not soundproof. Years ago I had no idea who you were and I was in a car with Steve Byrne and Ken Jeong and we're driving from San Francisco to LA because we had to do gigs together at that time because we couldn't draw

on our own. Steve Byrne loved Oasis. We kept playing Oasis over and over again. He still does. It's like, give it a rest. They have three songs. Good songs.

Champagne Supernova, Wonder Wall and some other one. Don't look back. Great songs, but that's it. We go, what do we listen to? He goes, I have a friend from New York. I have his comedy CD.

We're like, what the fuck? Fucking comedy right now, bro. What the fuck? We're the fucking eight hours in the fucking college. Open Micros fucking CD, whatever, right? He puts it in. It was very funny, but there was one bit about

you in the subway and then you saw some guy pick a girl up and then your high-pitched voice, you know what I mean? He's hurting me. The bit, right? And we left so hard and that's when, you know what I mean, it went out. Bill Burr, Bill Burr, Bill Burr. And then

now you're one of the greatest comics on the on the planet. How does that feel? What? What's that character? I don't even take it. No, it's just I'm plugging away. I'm doing all right.

You're doing all right. It's great because of the fact that it's like, you know, here's the deal. The honest truth is this. I just love that whole body. Okay, here's the deal. Let's get real. So, you know, I'm almost 50

and I feel like things are kind of slowly happening for me as well, right? It's just nice to see like, you know, you've been on fucking television for like almost 30 years. What are you talking about? Mad TV and everything else. Okay, first of all, Mad TV

was like doing community theater. That's how much we got paid. I'm just telling you Oh, did you get fucked over in show business? Did you think there was a big pot of gold and then somebody else took it from you? Yeah, that's what happens, but you was still on TV.

You still walk down the street and people are like, oh my God, it's Bobby Lee from Mad TV. Okay, fine. Fine, you're right and I'm grateful. Okay, but I'm just saying that Empathy that I have for you right now is just awesome.

How much of your day is trying to pick this up and keep it buoyant? See, the thing about him though I have to stand, okay? Yeah, go ahead. I feel like I'm getting cross-examined.

Yeah, the thing about him is that he has a ways... He's one of those guys like Whitney is like that too where she sees, you know, me behaving in a certain way to garner some sort of sympathy or, you know, I'm doing something psychological, right? So I can get something out of some

and he sees through it where other people they fall into it and they go, oh no, you know what I mean? I've just been around a lot of dirt bags, so I... Yeah, yeah. I've been taking advantage of it a couple of times. I know when it's happening.

But I'm just saying that let's go back to what I was doing originally which is you're doing well and congratulations. That's all I wanted to fucking say! Thank you. I appreciate that. I mean, you're killing it. I love the Mandalorian, right? All of a sudden...

I didn't even know you were on it and you have... When you're watching something you love, right, and then you see a guy that you know up there killing it, you go, oh my God! It's fucking crazy, right? And then, like, and then he's in the the Appetite movie.

And a bunch of, you know, he's killing it. That's all I wanted to say. I know you don't like compliments. I caught up to you. I know you don't like compliments. Why do comics not like compliments? I know. I think some of them do. Look, I respect...

you know, other comics liking what I do. I do enjoy that shit. I don't want to sit here and just, like, listen to that. You're giving him the worst experience. I just want to, like, hang out and take whoever's watching this laugh. You don't have to go James Lipton. Episode 229,

Tiffany Haddish spreads the joy. How did we first meet? The first time we met, officially, was in front of the laugh factory. Yeah. I was doing comedy playground with Kevin Hart and Chris Spencer and everybody.

And Pookie was executive producer and Pookie wanted to do, like, a prank kind of show. And so, I was dressed up kind of like butch-like and you had a... came to the club, you were going to do a spot on our show and you came up with your

girlfriend at the time. This was, like, probably 12 years old or 13 years ago. And I was... the prank was I was going to say that you were calling my girlfriend and I'm about to beat your ass. And he was fucking scared.

Because I didn't really know her, right? No, you didn't know me at all. So I got scared and then I go, who the fuck is that? Yeah, you were freaking... you was fucking scared. I was like, man, you out here calling my girl

trying to do her pussy. I eat that pussy. Like, you don't do that. She don't want your dick. Oh, egg roll, motherfucker. So imagine... I don't know you. I don't know your girl.

So then, right, you know, I have this thing of... it's a part of my character defects, I guess, but I go, what's her name? She just embarrassed me, right? And then somebody said Tiffany Haddish. And I stored that, right?

Yeah, and he's like, I fucking hate Tiffany Haddish. So I'm indefinite. And then every time I would see you, no more of us I'd dress like a butch lesbian or anything and I'm like, hey, it's me. Hey, Bobby, it's me, Tiffany. You're like, I don't like you, get off my face. Right.

Leave me alone. That was fucked up what you did. I apologize, it was just a prank. It's not real. No, I'm sorry, but, you know, but... But she is, right? For years, she was so nice to me. Yeah, well, I was nice to you.

I met you before that, but you didn't... I don't think you remember me. I was really young. At the comedy store. Thanks, and then you just walk away. You weird ass black chick. But, you know, there came a time, maybe three or four years after that.

Mm-hmm. And this is, I mean, running into her like, you know, 12 times a year, she's just so sweet and saying hi to me. Even sometimes I wouldn't even say hi back. She kept doing it. Baby, I'm sorry. Constantly killing them with the kindness.

And then finally he's like, who the fuck are you really? Yeah, yeah. We had a little conversation, and then we've been cool ever since. We've been cool ever since. And this is way before, you know, her explosion. Yeah, way before. I was definitely unemployed.

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My nose hairs do what Salvador Dali does. I don't want to be artistic about it. Yeah, but it's just too much. They curl upwards and that's one of the couple's things that we do together and I just weed whack his nose hairs. Wow.

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at manscape.com. Your balls will thank you and so will your relationship with your wife or husband. Enjoy the rest of the show. I'm glad they implemented that because in what I would say about a lot of the millennials, even though they don't really work hard,

they do have compassion. They do. A lot of the youth do have compassion. They do. They really are. The whole bullying campaign and seeing the results of that and what we're teaching the children now

from what we've been through, that helps a lot. But there's still a lot of people that are fucked up. But I haven't met one person that's successful that hasn't had some kind of struggle. Especially when it comes to women. Some kind of struggle, some kind of abuse,

some kind of something had to happen before they could get to the next level. We do a show about the struggle. No, no, no. It's not a picture of a show, but it's more... I always thought that the bullying that I... Even my dad, but the bullying that I received

in high school, whatever, or middle school, right? I don't look at it as a negative thing, though. I look at it as a positive because it really did make me grow a layer of skin and it made me go, without this idea,

I don't know if I would have survived in this business. You'll see that thought. I'll show you. I'm gonna make it. You are right about that. I wouldn't be where I'm at if I didn't have to watch this. Watch this. You don't think I can do it?

Watch me do it. That feeling, you're right about that. What I'm saying is that if you get rid of those things, I don't know if I had a great upbringing, if I was never bullied and I was white. I don't know if I would have been...

Because I know a lot of white dudes, I started with stand-up. I can even name you the name, I won't, right? But, yeah, I will. Jonathan Gottsik. Julie Marmo. Nobody knows them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But after five or six years, we gotta go back to Connecticut.

I'm gonna get a teaching job. And you're like, I still have to win. You know what I mean? Because I think I had a struggle as a kid and survived. Or you could just be like George Kimmel.

No abuses, great parents, great upbringing. He got some struggles. He's not sharing. I've asked him this question and he says no. You're a horsefucked. That's what it was. I've asked him so many times. I looked at his eyes. He got hurt in there.

He's just not sharing. You know what? You know what that hurts from? I mean, they know how to suppress it and then they assert it in different ways. Like it comes out of new jackets like that. What if it's members only? What is that?

It's members only without the sign. What is that? What? Suede. He uses his aggression to fuck the pussy out. You know what? He only fucks minorities, though. Well... Have you ever had a white girlfriend, George? This is a big misconception.

You've had Indian. You've had Black. You've had Asian, Korean, Chinese, everything. Yeah. When was your last white girlfriend? See? It's already too long. Ask him. He doesn't have a fucking mic. He wouldn't date me.

So then I had to wait until it all came full circle. Oh, God. My sister is laughing so hard. I don't know. It's so funny that... He only likes to date women that have souls. There you go, George. You're a soul fucker.

That's what it is. Something different from him that he can learn from, probably. Teach you compassion, right? You know what? That is a cool thing about you, though, dude. Was just a memorable moment. Let's back up a second. I don't think you have a very clear recollection of that fight night.

No, I don't. We have video footage of you reacting to Bisping winning... Oh. I need to see this. I won't look for it. What is it? Sit down, Bobby. Relax.

This is going to be really awkward. You have a force field in between you and me. Don't worry. I'm retired. What is it? It's going to be really awkward for you in a second. Okay, okay. So, we had an entire family over and your brother and I...

You were acting like the oracle. You said there was not a chance in fucking hell that he could ever... Or anyone... And he wonders why I won't give him a picture of the company. And you remember this. And then your brother and I and Gilbert, we said, I wouldn't...

We had you, man. We had you. And then he knocks him out and you ran to three different bedrooms came back with your tail between your legs and you were in total disbelief. Do you remember that? You said there was not a chance

in fucking hell. I thought we were... I don't recall it like that. We have video footage. I feel like we're brothers now. She's made. Yeah, we'll post this on... Here we go.

Wait, hold on. Rewind it. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Is this gonna embarrass me? Bob is like, I had a thousand on Rockhold. A thousand dollars on Luke Rockhold, didn't you? Luke Rockhold is in a great every bone in his body. This is a real man, guys.

He's talking about Luke Rockhold. Luke Rockhold. Oh, that's great. Look at that. Wow. Look at Gilbert and I. We were excited because we called it. Well, thank you very much, everybody that's showing excitement.

I apologize to the one person that's disappointed, Bobbi. I love you. You did it for your family. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Be honest, be honest, be honest. You guys recreated this recently. No. No. You know what I was coming to?

2016, 2014. Well, that's great. Thank you. But this guy, of course, got a suspicious mind because he's from San Diego. Here's the thing. Let's regroup. Okay. We watch every fight. We watch every one of your fights.

Okay. That's that's number one. I haven't had one for a long time. Okay. I know, but we did. Right. And I have to be honest with you. Okay. That was very real. I'll tell you why. Because Luke Rockhold is from Santa Cruz or whatever. Right.

And he skateboards. I'm from San Diego. Right. So I feel like he's like you skateboard. I used to. All right. No, I was going to say so. He's from Santa Cruz. You're from San Diego. Nowhere near each other. He's as white as he comes. He was Asian as he comes.

I'm failing to see how like you guys are boys and you're connected. How many times has he driven through traffic and smog? That's true. I've done the podcast. How many times? Let me ask you this, Michael. Let me ask you this. How many times has Luke

fuckface Rockhold done my podcast? None. Zero. I wouldn't ask him. All right. All right. That's number two true. And also, I'm sweating. Here's a second thing. OK. Is that sure? 2016, right? Right. That was the night

where I laid down in bed and I became a Michael Bisbing fan. That was the night? Yes. All right. I watched your season of The Ultimate. Same. Yeah. I didn't even know what that was. Yes. You were a little behind. I was a little behind. So what I'm saying is that, OK, yeah.

At the time. That's a real man. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, everybody. All right. At the time, right? I was rooting for Luke Rockhold. And at the time when you be in him. Open your eyes. I am opening my eyes. I'm Asian. You fuckface.

Why does he go? Right. And at the time I was rooting for him and when he you knocked him out, it was such a shock to my system. But then I was reborn like a phoenix. Wow. And I was convinced

from that day forward, right, that you were the guy. OK. Do you think when you fought George's fear that I wanted him to win? Or is it likely? No. Well, come on. Everybody likes George. Let's be honest. He's a sweetheart.

Episode 235. Poway Hall of Fame. Wait, I had a question earlier regarding the fish since you had mentioned Sturgeon. When you grow up in America, is it something that you guys learn in elementary school like different kinds of fish

that you eat? Or is it like salmon tuna and then that's it? Just fish. See, in the Philippines, we have to learn a lot. Tangiigi, Anduhao, Mulmul, Bangos, Lapulapo, we have to know so many different types of fish because we're an island nation, right?

And when you go to the fish market, you know exactly what types of fish... What are you looking up, Gilbert? Filipino fish? Look at me right now. Swordfish. Just look at me, rattle off. Swordfish. Halibut. Seabass.

Sturgeon. Alaskan salmon. No, no. Salmon is salmon. Salmon is salmon? We're just going with salmon. The ones that's related to salmon also could be orange on the inside. We're talking barracudas now. Barracudas is a fish?

We're talking about barracudas. Barracudas. We're talking about that anchovies. You can do 20 of these. I can do milkfish. I can do all day. You like mackerel? I'll just name a whole sushi. Alright. I have another question. You can't say barracuda.

Name me 15 times a nuts. Okay. Let's do 10. Let's do 10. Alright, we're talking about that almond. We got that walnut. Alright, we got that cashew. We got those peanuts.

No, no. It's a legume. Peanut's nut. Just give it to him. Peanut. Peanut, you're in. Peanut, thank you. Stop saying what we're talking about. Hawaii.

Our macadamia nut. South America. Brazil. The green one. Tag out. Finish it. What's in Christmas? Chestnuts.

My favorite kind of pie. Pecan. And then the other kind of similar to a chestnut. Tag out. Walnut. That's 10, bro. Give me a top 10. I want you to give me... I'm trying to think of something ridiculous.

Give me a 10. 15 types of birds. What? What are you talking about? I'll be talking about hummingbird bit. Parrots. Birds of paradise.

Okay, yes. I'm talking about eagles. Hawks. I'm talking about baby. I'm talking... The ones that drops babies. Swans. Swans.

Flamingo. I'm talking about... What are you talking about? What I'm talking about? I'm talking about... Three more, babe. A seagull, man. I'm talking about pigeons.

New York City, bro. Doves, baby. Prince shit. That's what he's talking about. That was intense. Let's give Kalyla a top 10. I already named like 16 fish. What's something hard?

She's smart. Name me 10 Spielberg movies. Go. E.T. What are you talking about? I'm talking about E.T. Yeah, you are. I'm talking about...

What are you talking about? I'm talking about... Wait, did you do one of the Transformers? No. Produced one. E.T. What are you talking about? E.T.

I'm talking about Jaws. I'm talking about... Hang on one second. The Terminal. Terminal. I'm talking about... What? Not Jurassic Park?

Yes. Jurassic Park. I'm talking about... You have to give me clues. Like I gave you guys. I'm talking about Schindler Slip. Blur that out. I'm talking about...

Go give me clues. Bum bum bum bum bum. I'm talking about the color purple. Yeah. Deep cut. I'm talking about... A boulder. Oh, Jumanji.

That's not what you're talking about. That's not what I'm talking about. Come on. Bum bum bum bum bum. Catch me if you can. That's not what I'm singing. That's not what he's talking about. Bum bum bum bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum bum. Keep singing. Bum bum bum bum bum. You know it. Close encounters of the Terminal. Keep going, George. What do you mean? Oh, yeah.

I'm talking about Indiana Jones. Two more. Two more. You guys can't even do that. I'm talking about... Party was in this. Hold on one second. I'm talking about...

The animated game one. Yeah. Oh, are you ready? Yeah. I'm talking... Did we do that one already? No, she hasn't done that one. Oh, wait.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, do it. That's a nay. That's a nay. Hold on. No, no. I'll just tell you. War horse. War horse? One more. Just get one more on your own.

Okay, save all the brothers in war. Save all the brothers in war. I'm talking about saving private rights. There we go. Damn, that was hard. I never want to play that again. That's our new segment every week. And also dual.

Okay, so he had to pull out the one before Jaws. That was an independent film. That was an art house film. That nobody knows. You haven't seen dual? I love dual. It's about the fucking trucks. Did you know it?

Very good. Episode 244. Fourhead fireworks with Bretman Rock and Big Ed. Bretman, before you leave, will you say hi to my niece? She's your biggest fan in the world. Come over here. George, screenshot this.

Get down. If you're looking cute. Yeah, yeah. Say something. Hi, Bretman. Hi, I love you so much. I would be like you, okay? Thank you. I love me too. But I love you more.

So sweet, buddy. What did you do today, girl? Nothing. I'm just here with them. This is... That's like my sister. She's like, I'm only here for the video. Episode 252. Theo Vaughn is good in plenty.

Bro. Yeah, I've been to... In my lifetime, I've probably been to 100,000 A.M. years. 100,000 A.M. years. I've laughed maybe twice. I truly laughed. This dude, because in Zoom ones,

all I did was I just switched to his camera, even when other people were talking. What a lurker. I was lurking on you, bro. Other people are sharing. My wife, she has COVID. Right?

I know. I'm sad. Crazy when people get home. Right? But I have just Theo on the thing and just watching him listening. He was making me laugh so hard, bro. You'd be doing like this with your hands. Yeah, I get fired up.

Some of the people share stuff. I know. You were into it, but it was purposely making me laugh. It's just the way he listens is humorous. It's hard to listen for a long time. I feel like in a row. I know, dude. Some of those A.M.

do you guys take breaks? Isn't that what they tell? Isn't that why classes are 50 minutes long? Because I don't think your brain is supposed to work for three-hour stretches. This is one on a Monday night where it's a men's one.

Dude, don't act like she didn't just say something. Let's honor with the... Thanks, Theo. I love you so much, Theo. You just listened right over. You just didn't even... You're like, okay, I'm going to just be quiet for a second. But I'm trying to earn one of those frickin' boxed tits y'all got in there.

Yeah. You're right. I apologize. You have a boxed tip. You are... I apologize. You're right. That is something that I'm trying to work on in therapy. I do listen to everything she says. But I'm trying to be more attentive

to the things that she says and her feelings and stuff. And she has... She has beautiful points. I think she makes beautiful points. And she's also a beautiful person in her heart. Yes. No, no, no. Let's keep going, man.

No, I'm not going to keep going. If she were alive today... I'm not going to keep going. She'd be amazed at all these people. What I'm going to say is, you know, baby... Baby, I love you. Oh, yeah. Baby, I care.

You're my little boy-boy princess from a faraway island. Yeah, baby. I tried all of it. You don't think that I've tried? I spent thousands of dollars. They just don't arrive at the house. So I'm doing it wrong. Oh, my God, one time, Esther, there's this one time

and I'll never forget this for the rest of my life. And I'm so glad that my niece, Juliana, was there to witness this whole meltdown. But basically, he decided... We were on our way to the post office because I had to mail stuff. And he threw a tantrum

about what a bitch I was for not helping him out with his prime time. Because he couldn't sign up for Amazon Prime. And then the whole way down, he was just in a rage. Meltdown.

And I told him, because I think... I don't know what it was. I was like, can we wait till we're done with the windy hills for me to set your account up when I'm dizzy when I read my phone and which put him into a deeper rage? Because she did it in spite. She got it done at then. No! And I was like,

wait till the bottom of the hill. And then we'll park and I'll fix your prime time for you. So I do remember that. And I apologize profusely. But what I'm saying to you is the reason why I ask now for a freezer and other things

is because I am unable to do it. I don't have the capabilities or the ability to order things. Do you sleep in a bassinet? What's a bassinet? For babies. That's my dream.

Are you calling me a baby? No. Why did you say do I sleep in a bassinet? No, let me explain. I think two things. One, you have it so good because you have it completely dependent on you. He can't even step into the real world without you. So you're like

you own him and you have it good because you have a full time caregiver. Episode 231 Andrew Dice Clay and the One Leg Up. What do you think is going to come out between the both of us? An alien? Are you planning that already? Yeah, we're planning it. We've been six years together.

Seven. Seven years. Oh really? Yes, Andrew. I never saw her. I know. I mean, I'm not at the store all the time. She doesn't come but yeah. But you think that if we had a child that would... Well, I think

if... Alright, you got to do One Leg Up. Okay. To get a pregnant? Yes. One Leg Up. What do you mean One Leg Up? You give her a command. Like you're in the bed. Alright, you can start missionary as a warm up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay? You know, that's what I do. You did not even give me the end of the story. Then I can tell you what to do. Okay. So what do you mean, the end of our story? No, no, I was telling you a story about what I learned. Finish the story. As a kid because your audience

was going to go, he didn't finish saying what he was saying. Right, right. But we could always go back to it, right? But I'm going to forget it. We're going to get into the other thing. Okay, let's finish that. My bad. My bad. Go ahead. No, it's not a bed. It's just a different way.

I know. I fucked it up. I fucked it up. No. A bed would be if you were backing up and hit my car. That would be bad. That would be bad. And there would be consequences. Like I'm not calling a cop. Oh. You know what I mean?

Because of the asshole drivers that don't want to use a blinker and make u-turns wherever they feel the urge. But you're doing it now by diverting from the story. Hey everyone, we're going to just take another quick break to share some amazing sponsors with you. Calm.

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She was the captain of the purple-haired lady. She's like the woman's right one. Yeah, but she was calm during it. She was very calm during it. Oh, gosh, you guys. You're right. I thought we were talking about next-gen for some reason. No, not next-gen. Anyway, over 85 million...

Anyway, babe. Because I was thinking of Jordi LaForge who also does tell stories for Calm. He does one as well. And I love Jordi. Different franchise. And his real name is LaVar Burton. He was also Kuntakente. Did you know that?

Back to Calm. 85 million people around the world use Calm to take care of their minds and get better sleep. Harry Styles also tells a story on there. We love the style, man. For listeners of the show, Calm is offering a special limited-time promotion of 40% off at Calm Premium subscription at Calm.com slash Belly. Hey, hey, Roman.

Hey, hey. You guys. Is this true? It can be awkward or embarrassing to talk about a reptile dysfunction. Usually we brush it off or blame ourselves. And I'll be honest. I blame myself all the time. Come on, buddy, I say.

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This week's Unhelpful Advice, even though we didn't do one, comes from the big papayas over at Patreon. And I want to do this like the Adam's Family theme song, okay? So I'm going to go da-da-da-da, right? So Kyle Snuffer, ta-ta-ta, Bon Johnson, ta-ta-ta,

Bevel Flores, Rachel Wilkins, Rebecca Torres, ta-ta-ta, Parvez Freshier, ta-ta-ta, Jamie Chay-Cortez, ta-ta-ta,

Javiz Ismail, Erin, Wasturstrom, C-C-Cluck, Nio-R-R-E, His name is Nio-R-R-E, Red. Red.

Red. Nio-Red. His name is Nio-Red. So thank you Kyle Snuffer, Bon Johnson, Melvin Flores, Rachel Wilkins, Rebecca Torres,

Parvez Freshier, Jamie Chay-Cortez, Jaime, Jaime, Jaime. Jamie Chay-Cortez, Jaime, Javiz Ismail, Erin, What's the strong what's the strong are they two people there's one person Aaron what's the strong

Nile Red Bye. Love you. Love you. Joy the rest of the show Andrew Dice Clay's children are the most talented kids. I've ever seen there. They're they're like virtuoso musicians Thank you, you know this well, I you see this is this is the bad part of having you know Kids that are that are talented. Yeah, you're any kind of celebrity It's harder for those kids to get places because people go. Oh, just cuz the father's so and so no, that's what goes on I know we're telling you right now though. I've seen it firsthand. I've heard it firsthand Yeah, they're pretty and I know these children. They really are

Super talented kids man. Well, and that kid Dylan. I love Max your son younger son Dylan is a sweetheart Thank you, right? We have to do this thing called unhelpful advice. This is how we close out the show Somebody emails us a problem. You could either help or not help, right? But can you listen to the email? What about one leg up? No, we have to wait. Yes, one leg up. I What happens if you don't answer your question? Yeah You want me to cut that out? Person out One questions, do you know one one? All right, so let it moist your answer, too

Yeah, we'll answer Missionary Yeah, yeah, they're all built out differently. They're all shaped differently, right? So you got to find what makes them tick, right? Right, so you go missionary you dog them out a minute There's no dogging. It's prison style with us because we have a height discrepancy What I'm so sure that I if I do dog. I can't do it. We can't we can't so she has to lay on her stomach I have to lay on top of her like this is a quality bear on a tree prison style. Yeah, prison style prison style Yeah, and on top like she's on her stomach. We're doing doggy stuff, but she's not on her fours. She's like a dead dog

I don't have the height because she's tall. So I didn't I would have to get end up All right, you're taller than this, right? Yeah, I'm gonna war know what I know that so how high is the bed? Let's see the bed is this high. It's a low bed. It's a low bed. All right, but like all right I'm not looking to be this is listen. This is me doing doggy style, but her ass is here All right, so that's what I have to do is I have to stand and do so how tall are you I'm fine But stand up. Let me just say you next to each other That's great

None like a tall chick. I know but she has to get on her stomach and I have to do with that one No, but what if she was bent over on the bed still like standing there? You can't do that What do you I just don't have the balance for I'm sorry. I don't have All right, so now you're on the bed. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, so let's say her back is to you Right. What makes this position exciting is that it's one of the most all right. She's supposedly a nice girl That's why you go with yes, okay No, you know, I didn't see her in the comedy scene, you know, she's not a comic so she's not a run around You know, yeah. Yeah. All right, so you give a direct order

Her back is to you you're messing around you're rubbing up again. Whatever you're waking her up One leg up What is that? She'll be like what yeah one leg up So they picked the leg up so you come in from that angle Which is a very lewd angle if you get and take some selfies of it. You'll see what I mean You'll want to see that. Yeah, because The nicer the girl the more exciting one leg up is She's facing away from you. What girl does that? Yeah, just no good in all so I

So I say is what did let me just rehearse it real quick. Okay one leg up She'll be like what cuz she's getting woken up. So you Like like like a drill sergeant. Oh So you do it. All right, so something like so I wake up. I'll sneak in bed, right? Yeah. Yeah. Can I be the girl here? All right. Well, she doesn't oh you just say I just woke up. All right, so I'm in the bed and uh, good morning. Yeah, so you start like like banging against Yeah, yeah, yeah like that Just to get a bone. Yeah, yeah, yeah like in the bone zone. Yeah, you want to get in the bones. Yeah, very important

It's very important. Yeah, that's half the battle. That's half the battle because you're going after the purple bacon. I Don't want to use dirty words. Yeah, I get it. I get it. I get it. Yeah. So you want the purple bacon. Yeah You're getting the bone zone. All right. Yeah. Yeah Yeah One leg up. Yeah, what? One leg up. Okay. Okay. There you go. There we go. Yeah, this is the key. Yeah, this is the key. Yeah They'll always go with the one leg up Because they can't believe they're doing it themselves, right? Okay

So you got to be ready to invade but if time that leg is up you get in there. Yeah, okay She might start To lower the leg a little It burns, you know, too bad You know what a choke hold is right Not around her neck. Yeah. Yeah, help her out because she's a good sport. Yeah Yeah, so you wrap your arm around the thigh With the one leg

Ah, you know and you attack you act as if you know how horses sometimes no way the stirrups Now you got the one leg up You got the bone in bone zone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're in the bone zone, but now you got the bone in When you go to a restaurant We got the ribeye with the bone in. Yeah. Yeah, you'll wind up looking at her gone Bone in bone in. Yeah, right. I get it. Yeah, but now you got your hand free Wait, wait, let me just let me go through this I have both arms on her leg. No, no one once you once you put the choke hold on the thigh

Yeah, yeah on the chubby little tie. Yeah, I'm just adding flavor. I know you're right. Yeah. Yeah No, cuz you're thin. Yeah, you're a thin girl Yeah, yeah, yeah, she should actually gain a little Write that down gain a little more beef more beef or I can't do the fucking leg thing Okay, no, you can do the leg thing you get more of a bounce Okay, but now you got your fingers free to work The other part of whatever is there, I don't want to talk dirty words, right, you know the uh, the the brown the brown star

The brown star, yeah, so no No, I don't like that. Well, what's down there the tank brown star and the purple back is to you, right, right? Forget the brown star. You know, I mean, no the moose lips should be You got the moose lips wrapped around the bone I know but the thing is is that you're wet and it's so vague like all the stuff down because the But is against you right for the most part. She needs to be able to slap Oh, okay, okay, okay, now I know I'm gonna say I don't know. I'm learning. Yeah, you're already in the yoke

Right, I mean you're already in there The brown star alone the brown stars get enough work to you right later. Okay the front of her Right the front of her. Yeah the button whatever you want to call. Yeah. Yeah, you work down over With your feet. Oh, dude, you're the hand that's free. Yeah, right because you got the arm around, right? So you're doing a whole thing five fucking fingers to work with right now if you can't make her blow You know Like heavy. Yeah at that point. Yeah, I Don't want to say anything but she should leave you

She's just fucking leave yeah, have you ever had a girl Maybe I had a girl that came to you with a problem. Yeah that said In her life. She's never been able to uh You know calm get I don't like using that kind of Me know calm. Yeah. I get Well, just I just said it this is a podcast Yeah, I can say whatever I want. It's my house.

Don't tell people that. They already... Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but I'm saying, have you ever had a girl come to you and say, you know, in my life? Yeah.

Like it's all electronics to them? Yeah. No good. No good. Episode 255. Congratulations, George. And I appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening.

Good night. And thank you, guys. Okay, good night. It has said, like, you know, I can't wait. They should interview George. He should be in the seat. I'm sorry I disappointed you, but to everybody who I, like, said,

no, that's a bad idea, too. I was right, so... Shoot, man, I... What did you... I'm going to come back in here and record one all by myself, just for redemption. What did you want to say?

I wanted to be more interesting. I sat here, and you just imagined... You didn't do it. You imagined yourself. If you're on the set... You have to... You have to... Listen.

In this hot seat, and you always imagined yourself doing a lot better than this. You don't think that I've ever... Oh, I fought over Toy Story. That's not, like, the story. I know, but you don't think that I... I'm going to go down as my history.

We're going to clip it. Oh, the Toy Story line. You don't believe... I fucking crushed it. I still remember... I crushed it. I crushed it. You guys arguing over Ikea dishes

and dogs, and, like, and, like, an argument, like, outside of, like, Parp's Barbecue or something from before, like, just the audio-only ones where you were yelling at each other

across the street. I was like, I kind of... I can find something in here in my 40 years of history. That's as good as that. It's okay, man. No, nothing.

Your voice is cracking. Thank you for being here. My assessment of your performance today on the podcast is a seven. Wow. Out of? A hundred.

I always get caught with that one. I always get hit with that one. I hate that joke so much. Episode 238, Sasha Gray and the King-Sized Heads. Well, let me say something. I have a clear idea of who you are as a person.

Over an hour? Yeah, yeah, I do. Can you give me the stamp? Am I approved? Am I not approved? I'm going to give everyone their ranking as a person. What?

It's happening. Band! Yeah, yeah, yeah. No ranking systems. Yeah. As a human being, and I'm talking about morality, ethics,

what you look like, how you dress, and everything's going to, like, count, right? Sure. I'm going to end like this, okay? Okay. And this is truly,

and I'm saying this based on if, you know, there was a zombie apocalypse and I had to live with, survive with a group of people that I could trust and that could do the job, right? Build a fence,

also not steal things and be honorable. But also, in a zombie apocalypse, I want you to look good as well. You know what I mean? I know there's things that are, like, you know, more important, I guess, like nutrition and sleep

and your safety, but I want you to look good as well. So, um, I'm going to have to rank everyone from one through 10 in terms of those things that I just said, okay? Mm-hmm.

So, with George, I would have to give you a, um... It's waiting for it. A nine. Oh, my God. Out of 10. I'll tell you why, because your fashion would be terrible

and I wouldn't have to look at you, but I would be like, I don't want to look at that guy, but, um, but when I want to say in terms of, like, you would get shit done. I would tell you to do things and you would do it.

Oh. You know what I mean? You would do it. You're right. You, right? I'll give you a seven. Okay? Because I think that you

wanderlust a little bit. I do. I think that you daydream. I think that you're confused. Right? I think that I, I think I would, I think you would steal some rations

and if I confronted you, you'd be like, yeah, I did it. Why? Because I have two kids and I did it. You would admit, right? But, and I think that you would try to smoke things

that you shouldn't smoke. I mean, that's not weird, dude. That's fucking, that's shit. That's shit. You know what I mean? You're like, I know, but I miss the days

where you smoke weed all the time. Right? So I'll give you a seven. Sweetie, I'd give you a nine as well. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I think that you would, um, be knowing that, you know, you would be very difficult for me. You complain a lot and you'd be analytical about things. I'm the complainer in this case. Yeah, but like,

you would, you would, you would say things I would have to say in that environment. I'll write myself. I would say I was a four. No, you have rhino hide for skin. You're very hard to penetrate with an axe. Whoa.

Mm-hmm. So he, he has very thick, like, you know how, um, seal have this extra layer of blubber? How do you know? He's a, he's a good singer. He really,

is that that's a face thing that he has? Thank you, Gabby. Gabby, I'm going to give you, Gabby, I'm going to give- Keep in mind, this is my desktop for the past year. Just keep that in mind. All right.

That's been my desktop. I'm going to have to give you, um, Gilbert, um, your ego. Yeah. What about the ego? I think there's a competitiveness with you

and there's an ego. Iron sharpens iron, absolutely. Right? Iron sharpens iron. Yeah. Iron sharpens iron. My ego makes my ego better.

I would have to give you, um, a seven. Your ego. Your ego would get in the way. Take away the ego. You have to take away the ego in a zombie apocalypse. What would it be? It's stuff like,

I can already tell it's like, dude, what the fuck? The fed, you can't, you have to fix the fence. Yeah. Bobby, the fence is open.

There's zombies coming in. And then, you know, you would be like, I would have hands too. You would say that to me. I know that. You think I would say that?

Yeah. Yeah. And you're, you'd probably, it's six months since like, dude, why are you the leader? You're the worst.

You would stage a coup. He would stage a coup. I would only stage a coup for it. Yeah. My queen. Who's your queen? Yeah. Oh, thank you.

Oh, you're a four now. You know what? You're a four now. I'll give you a 10. Yeah. Thank you. I would give you and all the things.

I would have to give you a nine as well. You're too kind. Right. Because you seem like you would have his energy. Right. But your energy, the way you, your talk and your chillness, right,

is a calmness. His is just a stupidity. And a dumbness. And a confused. He's just confused. Yours is more analytical. Right. And thinking things through and being like,

I honestly think in, in like, if John was like being gnarled, right? And you know, the fence that he didn't build, he, John gets pulled out of there. Right.

And I'm like knocking, you know, trying to get in it and that you would be, and it would be like, and you would be like more like, it's okay. You just got to figure it out. We,

I have all the toilet paper here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I went to the store already. Yeah. And it would be very analytical. I think you two would be good together.

Yep. Right. I think I would have to give you eventually the mantle. I would, probably one day, six months in, I'd probably be like, I'm the one bringing in the meat.

It doesn't matter. You're a woman. I'm the hunter. That's a tiger belly pod. Yeah. I'm kidding. Yeah, either one,

I would go, you know, you guys are both running it. He will never have it. I don't need it. Yeah. You won't get it. It's okay.

I have my own village. Yeah. He's You're a fucking betrayer. You gave me the same one as the dumb guy. That's an insult. I know, but the retard can't be like,

you guys are 7.5. 8. I know. I know. 7.5. John, are you offended? No.

No. See, that's why, that's why I can say whatever to this guy. He'll just giggle it off. He accepts it. Yeah. I'm not gonna say that. He's a very good roach.

But, so either way, I got guys that I'm going to set her up with. But let me go back to the fucking thing though. The panberry pie and all that stuff. I'd like to also just say one more thing before we move forward. Yeah. So you guys,

none of you guys think it's weird when parents set their kids up with other people. Is it just the parent thing? It seems normal. At least in my, culturally, in my experience, that's not Filipinos do it a lot.

But I was dating Cindy and my grandpa is still trying to set me up with women in the Philippines. Like I'm like, Cindy forever. He's like, I know, but just in case, like in case what I'm literally telling you that I want to propose to her, you're offering Filipino women to me. Uh, you know what? I have me go back to the panberry, the panberry, the panberry. Jules, what's panberry? That's the name of the company. I order panberry pies from an app called gold belly. They're not sponsoring us, but it's a very good app and you can get food from anyway. Um, and so, you know, we can't, I

can't, um, disinfect the food that comes here. That's Juliana's job. And I've said this, I said this before, but I'm going to say it again. So it never happens again. Um, and she's in complete denial about it. And she's like, it's fine and all that shit. So I tell her the pies are here and she goes, okay, uncle Tito or whatever it might be. Yeah. Okay. Uncle Tito. There it is. Panberries. Oh, those are delicious. Okay. And so, you know, I don't know how food works in the Philippines, but, um, when you leave it out in the sun here in America, you know, it, if something's frozen because of just, um, the sun, it melts. And when you leave it out there for two days, the shit's going to melt. Oh, two days. So, but she doesn't tell me, right? Cause I let it go

because I think that she was responsible. She's a responsible, she's a responsible girl. For two days, she leaves it out there. And then so she doesn't tell me, she puts them in the freezer as if I'm not going to notice. Oh, you already knew though. Okay. No, I didn't know. I didn't know until I go, I say, you know, sometimes Papa wakes up and goes, I think today's pie day. Pancake pie day. I want a little pie. Right. I go in to the freezer and I pick up a pie. Now the pies are all about this big and they're in a plastic wrapper and it tells you on the wrapper, you know, mushroom and chicken or whatever it might be, right? But these, this batch is, you see the pie, but outside of the pie, you see brown gravy frozen. Now it's no longer in the pie.

In the pie. All right. The shit is outside of the pie. And there's no way to put frozen brown gravy back inside the fucking pie. It's like a prolapse anus. Yeah. You can still put those back. I had three of them. You need tweezers, some pliers, right? And some fucking, and some fucking Vaseline. I think what you're trying to say, Guild, is you can't put shit back into the butt. Exactly. That's better. Yeah. I've done it. You could just push that back. But I leave it out for a couple of days, especially during Halloween, so I can play like, you know what I mean, an animal. Jesus. When I have a prolapse butt, I was like, keep it out for a couple of days. Yeah. It's your

rattler. Yeah. And I, yeah. So, um, so now when you eat a pie, and I just had one before this podcast, you know, I baked it. Basically what you have in it is the pie, right? And the meat, because the meat didn't seep through. Yeah. So it's just no juices, no juice. Yeah. And you know what a pie is? Let's be honest. Let's be real for once on this fucking podcast. Sure. What's inside a fucking pie is a stew is supposed to be a stew. Yeah. It's a thick gravy like stew. So then I, and I gently pointed out, I go, I go, no offense, but you know, these pies, you know, you know, the fucking gravy is, she goes, it's not gravy. It's oil. That was pretty good improv to just think of something. Do I, I say to her, oh, do I, did I order oil pies? Pie?

On the packaging, does it say chicken with oil? Chicken and canola? No. The reason why it doesn't fucking say that is because there's no fucking oil on it. All right. So I love you. You're doing a great job in the household. And everyone's saying online to be nicer to Rudy. I'm getting direct messages. You got to be nice or I'm done with you. I'm done with bad friends. I'm done with Tiger Belly. If you're not nicer to Rudy. And this is me being nice. That's why I didn't fucking do anything. You know, I'm eating the pies and I'm going to tell you this right now. I, as we speak, I've ordered another batch. Okay. Are you mad? But she's doing a great job. I honestly, no, let's say it's positive things. Yeah. She's loving

with this guy. Shut the fuck up. Shut up. But a lot of guys have crushes on her on the internet. You know, they do. I know. She has. I get it. That's not real life. Is it? That's not real life. I mean, if she wants to make it real life. That'd be kind of weird. She's too young. She's too young. She's too young. You know, wait, wait, she's too young to date in general. I don't want it. There's the dad vibes kicking in there. I don't want it yet. I think she I want her to get through school. I want to graduate from high school. Can you graduate from high school and then we'll figure out your future episode 237. Burke Kreischer, circle thinking and the lemon tree. But what is it? Because you and because when you like when I did your Netflix show, right,

and you got naked and I just completely took my clothes off and just laid next to you. What is that about us that we do? What is it? So we need help. It's a part of my personality. Me too. It's like, uh, you know, especially, you know, it's like Don El does not like. Oh my God. He was so uncomfortable that whole day and that makes it so much funnier to me. I know when someone is uncomfortable with it. Yeah. It makes it like when there's a guy who's like, oh, come on, man, don't do that shit. You're like, I think I found out what I'll be doing. I don't know yet. Don El was not comfortable. He was he was he had fun time doing it. But there was times even privately, he would just go, yo, man, don't touch me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's like, why? Because I'm completely

naked. What can happen when you were, people don't even know what happened. But it was, I mean, when you were putting that enema up my asshole. All right. So can we talk about it a little bit? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. No, it's just so they go this show. By the way, this show, I'm shocked that we didn't get shut down. I can't believe I said to one of the girls at one point, one of my camera ops or assistant camera ops as a woman, I'm naked in a bedroom. I'm laying on we were doing shots of me waking up and I just different shots of me naked laying around the bedroom. And I'm just totally naked laying around the bedroom in different positions, ass in the air, you know, kill a glass of wine. And at one point I said, Hey, did they, did they,

did you know there would be this much nudity on the show when you signed up? And she goes very serious. She goes, they told me this was comedians and cars getting coffee. And I went, so is that a no? She goes, I had no plan for this. Yeah. And I was like, wow. And she goes, I mean, at one point when it was you and Bobby, I just was like, I guess I, she goes, I was trying to keep my eyes away from it. She goes, but when it was came to you and Bobby, I had to look. I couldn't look. It was everywhere. Imagine me naked, burnt naked outside, outside. He, Bert is on his, on his, um, like a doggy, right? On his all fours, right? Then over completely naked. I have an enema tubes filled with coffee and I had

to stick it in Bert's asshole, right? Yeah. I stick it in his asshole and he shits it back out in my face. A coffee enema? Yeah, the coffee. No, no, no, no, the coffee enema, no, the coffee enema deflects off your butt. Donnell poured it in. Bobby's getting ready to stick it in my ass, but he's talking to Donnell and he doesn't know that the valve is open. And as he's talking about now, Donnell, the coffee starts squirting out of his hand. Bobby sees it on his hand and thinks I'm shitting on him. Mine loses like, and then gets it on me. I'm on all fours. I see shit everywhere. It looks like shit. I'm like, who's shitting? Then regular enema. Yeah. It was so weird. I've never had a man put anything in my asshole before, but Bobby put it in my asshole

first time. Yeah. And then left it there. It was standing there by itself. Yeah. And then, and then I filled it up and then I, it all of a sudden shot out and I shot all over Bobby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was nothing compared to how this episode ends. The episode ends with the hardest I've ever laughed watching any video ever in my entire life. Oh, I've seen it. Dude, it is so fucking funny. It is. I saw the dailies. Yeah. It is so fucking funny because Donnell was like kind of like, no, bro. No, no, no kid. No son. No son. I don't do that. Gay shit son. We broke so many. That's the episode where I said to Netflix. I said, Hey, just, are you going to air all of this? And they were like, they were like, yeah. And I said, are you ready for the backlash?

Cause like there's a point where we're doing screen therapy and Bobby, me and Donnell are on our backs and Bobby and Donnell just lost their dads and they're talking about the frustrations of the dads trying. And that's how it's like, it's a real therapy where you scream and you get your frustrations, your childhood out. And they're having a hard time connecting with the scream therapy for their fathers. And Donnell says, why don't I just play your dad, Bobby? I'll talk to you. And so he starts going, Oh, Bobby, son. And I go, Hey, I think that's racist. And Bobby goes, I'll do your dad, Donnell. Oh, hey, Donnell. Sorry. I just got out of jail. Where you been? Oh, my God. It is so funny. I am crying, laughing. Oh, we had a great time. It was,

it was the great, the episode starts with, uh, I was getting a painting, uh, a painting, um, commissioned of me. My wife has always wanted a picture of me on a bear skin rug, like brute, like, uh, like Bert Reynolds. Yeah. And so I got a, I was getting a painting commissioned. And so the guy, so I was, Donnell walks in and I'm naked holding my junk on a bear skin rug. And then Bobby walks in and just takes off all his clothes and gets in. And we post a picture. Bobby posted it to his Instagram. I posted it. I got taken down off for Instagram. I got Bob. Mine didn't. Yours didn't. I honestly think that there is some sort of like persecution thing going on with white dudes. Wait, I thought it was the opposite. No, no, no. Because you and I posted art. No, I posted, I

know me kissing Andrew Santino's dick got yanked. Do you think it's because of Santino, not you? Yes. Uh, yes. Really? Yeah. By the way, Santino has a hog. Does he? Yes, I've seen it. Oh my God. The beautiful thing. I was wondering where all his confidence comes from. It's on that dick. Because he's super red. Yeah. Right. Like, ugly as fuck. I mean, like, where do that? I mean, he's like, he walks with such a swagger and I was like, usually red heads are come in hot and angry and like Bill Burr, but Santino's got this swag on him and then I saw his dick and I went, oh, that's what it is. Yeah. It's big dick energy. That was one sack too, by the way, what you saw on me. God. So when I posted that photo with you and I naked on that bear thing, we posted together,

yours got yanked immediately. And then I got shadowed in. Am I still on there? So I'm wondering what is, what is going on here? Episode 252. Theo Vaughn is good in plenty. So your item is one, is a dry suit, a dry suit and a speargun speargun is number two. And then a fire starter. I cannot, I'm very, very sensitive to the cold. Okay. And I don't do well with cold. So I have to have a fire starter, a reliable one. Yeah, I would do sleeping bag. I would probably do one of those lanterns. And I would do a decent axe, probably a dole axe. An axe is definitely non child. So that's like, if somebody doesn't get a kettle, if you don't get a kettle, I'll be really disappointed. Kettle number one then. Yeah, we got a boil. I had no option. Kettle number one. Number two.

Can you bring a condo? A condo condo condo condo condo condo condominium like a downtown LA arts. Like, you know how they have those portable houses? Yeah. Oh, like a double house. That's for storage. Okay. All right. Or a shed. A shed does. Can you, can you, like, if I get an item, I can bring a fucking double wide trailer. Yeah. Like Will Smith has on a set. Yeah. Yeah. Will Smith trailer. I'll call him. Yo, dude, I'm about to do alone. Can I borrow your trailer? He's not going to answer, dude, and you can't bring that. What? It's an item. Huh? It's a full, no, it's a bunch of items put together. You have to get one item. All right, fine. My bad, dude. All right. So I'll bring the bed from the trailer.

So mattress. A mattress. This is a team effort right here. He already has a sleeping bag. I can't. Yeah. One. And I'll also hold my breath while I'll sleep on my back. Or I'll bring a tent. Oh, that's good. That's good. I'm good with that. A tent is good. A tent is good. A tent is good. So I have the, well, just let me finish. I'm done. Kettle. I had a kettle. What's a kettle? For water. Hold this up. Make a soup. How about a, not a kettle, but how about like a pot? Something that we can use to boil water. I don't want a kettle. I want a pot. Oh my gosh. Are they the same thing? Yes. Okay. But I want to call it pot. Pot, a tent. And the

third thing is, um, this is a pole pot calling the kettle right here. Can I bring, um, because we have to like GPS, can I bring my iPad? No, no, because you have to drive. You're going to hit Sam Tripoli's tent. You can't do that, dude. All right. That's not fair. It's insane. I'll bring a compass. It's not going to help us. It sounded good. Yeah. Cause you're not really traveling places. You're staying in one spot. Yeah. How about, um, I bring, how about you, you're a fish net already? No, I had a spear gun and a dry gun. I'll have a fish net. Yeah. Because I saw it when the only, you know, when Bobby to be fishing at stockings on accident, he'll open up the package. Oops. Oops. Like what? He's like, at least there's two of them. Yeah. So, um, that's it. We would

die. No, I think that we would do okay. I think we would make it. What do you guys think? George, how many days would you give us? Honestly, out there. And the weather at first is like 25 degrees or maybe 40. Right. No snow yet. No snow yet. But then by probably towards, you know, every week, I would say it drops 20 degrees or 10 degrees. What's the longest someone's done on the show? Yeah. Because we've, we've only seen one episode. I don't want to tell him that because I don't want to give away how long some of it is. Two and a half days. Wow. What? That's generous. That's, that's not generous. That's two days. I'll say, I'll say, uh, I'll say 14 days. I'm basically, I'm basically having a naked and afraid-ish. Wow. Yeah. It's cold as tough. It's not like naked and afraid

because you have the things you need to survive. Like if you're just a little bit, here's the, I don't get him. You guys hunt. Let's be fucking honest. I can, I can get I can kill animals. No, you're never going to, no one's going to kill shit. I'm going to kill shit. No, you're not going to kill nothing. Wait, but I have experience of killing stuff. You're supposed to be uplifted or- We've never been over there. Positive affirmation. Oh my goodness. We're going to kill everything. He's supposed to be uplifting our group and you're- I know. Wow. All right, right. Not even out there. You're freaking killing it. In a garage.

I get anger. I get emotional. Episode 258, David Spade and the Rattlesnake. I'll tell you two quick things. I was in this place the other day and I have a mask on and I walk up and he goes, dude, there's a line. I go, I don't want to be treated like a normal- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like this. Yeah. I'm Batman. He's like, yeah, back there, dude. No, I guess you didn't see Girl. But this is gross. So after the wrong missy, they send you stuff now. So I get movies to read to see if there's anything funny maybe to do in the future. So there was a road trip movie and I don't know why I got it my fucking head.

And so it was like getting married. My wife's, you know, has never met her dad or he ran away when they were kids. So I think I'm going to find him as a present. So I go to road trip, like four days for the wedding. I just disappear. I go, I got to do something. Find the dad, go get him. I'm like, who would play that? Like Eugene Levy or Harrison Ford or something. Yeah. I road trip, road trip, bring him all the way back. The last scene is like gets to the wedding and she's like, I don't want to see him. And then it all turns out okay. So I was talking to my manager about it. I go, I don't know. I go, I like the idea and it was kind of funny, but I don't know the parts that it has to be funny. The parts a little flat. The guy's

like, he goes, well, you're like this crazy FBI guy. And I go, oh, wait, I'm the dad guy. And he goes, what the fuck? You think you're the young? I did because I've read those on my live where like it's you and then you go parts for you like younger. Then you go, oh, now you're got a kid. Oh, now you're married. I never done one where I'm like the very guy's dad. It was so hilariously sickening. I go, I didn't even cross my mind. Wow. And he goes, what the fuck? How old are you? I go, well, how old is a kid? And he goes like 30. I go, was he? I didn't even think. Wow. Guys getting married. Yeah. You're the dad now. Dad. Yeah. But you have a young energy. I do, right? Don't worry about it. I have young energy now. Help me out of the chair.

Yeah. Episode 259 Rick Glassman and agents of chaos. So maybe you've seen that. Hello, Cleveland. Okay. May I start this? Wait, hold on. Hold on. That's not our text messages. What is that? Yes, it starts here. Don't go that far. I want to go far. Let it will cut it off. It's too long. Get the date. What's the date on? Well, just go back to the last few months. Okay, this is good. No, I don't. I don't want to. Well, where are you going back for? This is my podcast. October, what? 26th. This year? Yeah. Oh, great. Okay. You're not going to skip anything. No, I'm not. I want to read it all the way through. Hello, Bobby. Can you help me shine? That's Hello, Bobby. Can you help me shine? I love this guy. And I can help you shine. Hmm. Interesting proposal. My response. I swear to God. Who? Right.

And now there's a, you know, an essay. There's an essay. I want to read it. I want to hear that. Me and you shining podcast. Come over. Have me over. Give me advice. Let's write a sketch. Let's talk about life. Meet my new girlfriend. Hmm. Make jokes about your penis and that get embarrassed because you feel like a hack. Did I really write that real? Did I write that? Yeah, yeah. Let me buy you Mendocino Farms. This is why I bought it. Because they gave me free food. Mendocino. No, I don't. And then you go, the last thing you say is, talk to you in December. Right. The next one is, that was on October 26th. This is October 28th. Two days later. Yeah. And then you, this is your dad. You just now, this, I have not returned any of those. Of course.

Right. Your next one is your dad giving you a text and then you're telling me what your dad said. Screenshot. Yeah. I am watching Bobby Lee to a lead guest role in Magnum PI. He's good. Yeah. My dad talks to me about, about seeing you on there a lot. And then my dad, no response from me. Right. Here's another one from you. No response. November, November 5th now. Okay. So we're about, we're about a week and a half. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to record eight mini holiday episodes to be released one at a time during eight nights of Hanukkah. The eight nights of Taisho. That's where you've seen some of these gigs. You can check. I'm going to decorate my apartment for holiday, holiday style. I want them all be previous guests

of my podcast. Would you be one of them? Come over 20 minutes in and out, thinking I'm going to record them this month so I can edit them over Thanksgiving holiday. And then no response from me. Jeez. November 21st. Right. What? You just do a handshake. You know what I mean? Right. Here we go. December 8th. No response from me. Would you mind forwarding me who you you get your merchandise from? Not the design, but the manufacturer printer? Nothing. December 18th. I'm feeling really, I'm feeling like, I'm feeling really like, I think, I don't know for sure what the feeling is. I think it's, it's embarrassed. I know. We're going to talk about, I think I feel embarrassed. We might cut through all this because it might be dead air, but no, no, no, no, no.

I just want to read through it. I feel like you shouldn't be embarrassed. You should be embarrassed. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that I, I consciously made the decision to keep talking to you. All right. Now that was, now here we go. December 18th. Hey, Bobby. You also read it like, like your brother yesterday and he filled me in on how hard of a time you all been having. Sweet. Very sweet. I feel bad. I've talked with you about pod stuff and didn't pick up on any of the obstacles you were having. Good guy. This is a very good angle. Good guy. That's what I liked about it. The shift. Angle? Because you're trying different angles, right? I think there's, it's being crap. Congrats on your move to s***. Hope you're well. Oh, it's so sad.

If you're up for getting food sometime. Minestina Farm. No podcast stuff. I'd love to see you and kick it. Oh, I should have responded to that, but I didn't. January 7th. Next year. January 7th out. Yeah. That's this. 2020 now. Yeah. 2020 now. Let's get lunch. You live so close to me, right? Nothing. Yeah. January 15th. Literally nothing. No response. Oh my God. It's just. Yeah. It's just all him. Yeah. That's what I love about him. My girlfriend just texted me that your girlfriend is in her yoga class right now. Here we go. Should I ask my girlfriend to try a network with your girlfriend in an attempt to get all four of us to go to Mendocino? Are you sponsored by them? What? Nothing. No response. I feel so shitty. I feel bad,

but I'm going to keep reading. Yeah. January 21st. And then why clap? Why? Not the clap. You know what I mean? Oh, what do you call it? Oh, like emoji? Why aren't you? Yeah. Why not write me back? Yeah. He does a clap. He's putting his foot down. You're putting your foot down. There's a motion there now. So now March 7th. Yeah. Which, by the way, people are going to pick up on this is a week before Pi Day. So January 1st, now March 7th. Bobby, come take your shoes off again next week. Oh, I can't read what I just read here. Okay. I can't. I don't know what it is, but I'm going to cut that out. Is it something embarrassing for me or for you? It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing for you. What could it be? I can't do it. I don't want to do it.

I'll tell you later after the podcast. He has his. He has the same. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's a conversation I don't want to have right now. I respect that. It's a conversation I don't want to have right now, but you know what it is and I don't, and I want to have that. You want to cut it out then? No, no, no, no. I'll just hit now and then just cut it out. Yeah. Ping this. All right. Ping it right here. I said, this is okay. I wanted to just say how rude I am. Okay. Oh, I know why you're not saying what you're not, why you're not talking about it. Yeah. I'll just say it. Well, no, I'll explain why you're not going to say it by just this way. It's something that is not embarrassing for either of us. I mean,

no, but it's just, it should not, it just shouldn't be talked about. Your God, give me the phone. It's I said. Oh, correct. Correct. Yeah. But if you want to know more, head on over to Rick Glassman dot com for the answers. Let me finish this. Okay. So good call. Good call. Good call. March 8th. Want to get coffee? You live so close and I have two friends thinking about going to the farmers market. March 8th. You just sent me a photo of Mendocino Farms. Hey, Bobby. How have you AJK been? What does that mean? What? How AJK? Translation, Rick. Azen Jewish kind. You guys are isolating. It's scary out there. Are you guys still recording, checking? How have you AJK been? I'm scheduled with Tiger Valley. How about you and Cabin?

How have you and Cabin? It just keeps going and going and going. Hey, listen, Rick. You sent me photos of us. You sent photos of us together. Very sweet. I feel, I want to apologize real quick. Okay, go ahead. So, you know, by reading that, no, honestly, put your phone down. By reading all that, I feel a little less aggressive on your apologies. Go ahead. I think that's the reason why I don't respond to you. I see. It's that attitude. Do you understand what I'm saying? What I'm dealing with? You're seeing. Has it always been like this with you two? So, Bobby doesn't respond to people. Is that fair? Or is it just me?

No, it's across the board. The only person that he responds to is Paul Banks. Shout out to Paul Banks, by the way. We'll put his Instagram handle up here. So, Bobby once told me at the comedy store, I'd like to give Bobby a compliment now. Nobody thinks Bobby's funny. I don't mean you're not interesting. Nobody finds you particularly funny. And you and I had a conversation. No, I'm joking. You're very funny. You're one of the funniest. Let's be sincere. If we're gonna beat, if we're gonna fucking do this. Yeah, you're right. You're right. It's hard to navigate.

It's hard to, you have to appreciate. It's hard to navigate. Oh, I'm literally looking at you through a glass. I understand that, but we're performing while also, I don't know who you are. I don't know who you are. I don't know who you are. I've known you for over a decade, Bobby. I still haven't met you. Wow. Wow. Now that doesn't mean, now that doesn't mean I don't love to play with you. My language is play. But a lot of times people don't know when you're joking,

when you're serious. To me, it's all the same. So you and I sit in that pocket well, but then every now and then, when I make a joke that you think it's not good timing, I think, no, you're right. You're right. But also, I don't know. I'm scared, Bobby. I want to do well with you, with you, with the audience, while also connecting, because it's not like we could ever go to fucking lunch, because anytime I ask you, you ignore me. Episode 260, death by refrigerator. Like my worries are always like either medical or my biggest one is car accident,

or even though like I'm a swimmer, you always never not think about drowning and stuff, right? What never occurred to me was that I could potentially have a crushing injury, or a crushing death, by refrigerator. You know, that's a real fear. It never occurred to me, and it almost happened to me two nights ago. She, bro, I witnessed it. Okay. Number one, I realized that I'm a coward, that I don't have really good reflexes, right? And that whatever happens to Kalyla, if she dies in front of my eyes, it'll be reflex based.

Reflex based. It'll be like, she died in front of me. And they're like, did you stop the bullet? Nothing. Okay, so you know how, yeah, go ahead, tell. So you know how Bobby flooded the home, right? I didn't flood the home. Bobby, aka the cat, flooded the home, right? And so for the last two weeks, we've had construction workers basically rip out our floors

and try to dry the floor underneath it. So they've had to, our fridge is normally bolted onto the wall. And so to get to the floor underneath the fridge, they've had to unbolt the fridge and move it to the living space. So there's just a free standing fridge right in the middle of our living room, right? Right. And I, Jules and I picked up the groceries and brought it upstairs to put it away in the fridge. And as I was putting stuff away in the fridge, I guess the fridge was on a slight tilt forward. And all the doors opened up. Where was Bobby?

He was actually sitting in the living room watching this whole thing happen. No, I was, no, that's not, no. Tell me your version. Okay. First of all, my version is this, okay? I have no idea what the fuck you guys are doing. We're putting groceries away. I understand that, right? But I hear, I hear people lifting things and like opening packages, whatever, right? Yeah.

My attention is I'm watching Picard, the CBS show. Yeah. I'm watching, no, I'm watching Star Trek, The Next Generation. It's the episode where Picard falls in love with Nella, okay? Yeah. And so I love love stories. You're in it. As you know, I love love stories. Yeah. As you know, I love Picard.

You hate when Picard falls in love. I don't, I, I turn away from the kissing scenes. Whenever he tries to kiss her, I just go, what the fuck? Right. And I turn away. Why is that? Because he's the captain and he don't, you don't kiss. When you're the captain, you just, everyone deserves love. I know. When you think about it though, you know, because they don't show this in the TV show,

but if that was real, he must masturbate. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. But imagine Picard, you know what I mean? Where do you think? He's some Earl Grey tea before bed and then he plays this little flute. Secures his keypads and no one can open the door. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

And then he probably pulls his pants down and he goes, engage and just make it so. Rustered. Full of power. Right. Where do you think he splooges? Oh shit. Probably right. It probably splooges right under with that little symbol thing. On the badge? Yeah. On the badge.

Right. Or maybe it splooges right. You know, because they have these little these little things on their neck that shows on the ranking. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so. Do they wear socks on the Enterprise? I don't fucking know. I've never thought of that. You're a super fan. I never. Do they wear?

I don't know. I don't know. Would they need socks? I make assumptions that they make wear socks. I've never looked at like war shoes or anything like that. I'm saying so Picard is not a sploogen socks kind of guy. No. No, there's no way.

I think that. Who does their laundry? Yes, Bob. You answer all these questions. That's interesting. I've never thought of that. Is it a Korean? There's so many things I've never thought of.

I've never thought of if they wear socks. If they how do they do their laundry masturbation? Yeah, but I assume that those things happen. They must. I've seen them drink and eat food and whatnot. But anyway, okay, sorry. So I'm watching Picard fall in love on the show. Yeah.

And all of a sudden I hear. And I look to my left and the fucking refrigerator is landing on Khalilah's head. This gigantic metal refrigerator and she shoulder chucks it. All of the food and the jars like the glass things broke on top of my body. At this point, are you wonder womaning like shoulder? So what I did and I'm going to say this, I'm going to have to give a shout out. I know people hate group workouts, but I'm going to give a shout out

to Barry's boot camp. Shout to Barry. Because ask Bobby, it turns out I have superhuman strength. And I didn't say a word when it was happening. I basically just lifted the fridge. Yeah. And Juliana was frozen. Trying to help me, but she couldn't because of the angle.

And this fridge was all halfway like already. How much was the already at this point was it? It was basically all the weight of the fucking refrigerator is on her shoulder, by the way. It was like this already that far. Yeah, the fridge just fell like straight over. Right. Imagine a tree falling over.

That's all the glass and everything was crashing on my head and everything. And I basically just had to deadlift it and push it back this way. Okay. So that is scary. So, okay, that happens. You're first of all, you're watching a love story. So you're thank you. I'm watching papa.

Love is love story. You see that fall on and I see it fall. I go. What do I say? What's the first thing? All I hear is because I have to basically do a deep squat, right? To pull the fridge off of me. All I could hear for 30 seconds was baby, baby, baby, baby.

You're like, I know it's not 30 seconds. I'll argue that timeline. And I was like, can somebody fucking help me? Not 30 seconds. I'll argue that. You know, I got to give it up to Jules though. She tried so hard with her little legs. She's a twig.

She's a twig. I think she made it worse. She made it fall more. Yeah, yeah. Because she had her little fucking arm on the thing and she's in complete fucking shock. So I get up and I start pushing, you know what I mean? The door handle.

Meanwhile, there's kimchi. There's mustard all over the full. Old salsa, old burrito. Everything that was in the fruit. Everything was just scattered all over the thing. The dogs are freaking out. It was a fucking mayhem. It was our own 9-Eleven.

Your own falling tower. Yeah, it was our own 9-Eleven. And so we finally get it into place. And we all had just that moment of like, holy shit, Kalayla almost died by refrigerator. By refrigerator. And then the cops. The cops?

No, if they did. Oh. What happened? Luka, the fridge fell on her head. Really, what happens to her? What I swear to God, I was watching it. You know, you're like next generation. I would say that.

Like love stories? You like love stories? You like love stories? You know what he said afterwards? Because he didn't want to clean up the mess. What did you say? Were you pissed at this point? Or were you kind of just like in disbelief?

Eventually, after about, it felt like 30 seconds. He says 15 seconds. Eventually, he helps me do the final push on the fridge. Thank you. You got there. So like the last 5% of my leg strength he helped with. But he got there. I got there.

And then, but he didn't want to help clean up the mess. So his thing was, I will not, he told me in Jules, he's like, I'm going to give you two weeks break of no booger attacks. Oh, wow. If you clean all of it up. And Jules and I took the deal. You got to take the deal.

We hate when he like puts his. You got to take that deal. I thought it was like once in a while. Is this an often occurrence? You got to take the deal. You got to take the deal. Wait, the booger attack? Yeah, I was like, hey, once a week, maybe.

Can I just, can I just? He has a whole wall of boogers. And he peels. It's not a wall of boogers, a napkin full of boogers. It's like, you know how people have sticker collections in that waxy paper? I love anything that sticks. Yeah.

Yeah. He has a whole booklet of boogers and like, like a sticker collection. And then he just chooses which booger to peel out of that. I'm a disgusting child thing. And then he puts it on us. So, um, but I can I just defend myself real quick. Is let's say George, George, let's say you and I were hiking.

Never, never will happen. But let's suppose and out of the sky, a fucking piano is falling. A full blown grand piano is falling toward your head. Right. My first initial reaction is going to be able to process. Right. Is that a piano? Right.

I mean, you because you would, you would have to check your mind and your eyes to see if they're connected. Yeah. And then you have to fucking. So when the refrigerator is falling on her, that's what I'm going through. Like what the fuck is going on? I'm processing what's going on because it's never happened before. I didn't think it would, it could ever happen.

Right. So that's what that 10 seconds is, you know, too. I will, I will agree with you in the sense that while it was happening and everything was falling on my body, I thought, is this a refrigerator attacking? Yeah, yes. See, that's what I'm saying. I didn't make sense to me, too. Like my, my instinct was just to push back, right?

And to lift the, the freezer handle like away. But I, you're right. I don't think I maybe would have moved as fast either to help you if it happened to you. Thank you. Thank you. So it was, it was a bizarre. Wow. Yeah.

Incident. I'm just so, you know, I have these like flashbacks on that. I have this fear that what if it was Jules and she's like so much smaller than me. And she's a strong girl, but she is, you know what I mean? You guys are physically different though. She weighs on 90 pounds. She would have fucking died. She weighs 90 pounds.

And imagine that phone call to the Philippines, like to her mom, like, hey. Yeah, yeah. You know how we have a gigantic metal refrigerator? What is that? Yeah, yeah. Episode 261, Stevo lasts 431 days. One was in that, you know, and the banana massage parlor. What's the banana massage?

Is that a Rubin tug? Yeah, the Rubin tug. Which one's that one? Which one's that? One address or what? Is there one called the banana massage? I thought you were promoting one. I'm like, is that on Fairfax?

No, you know, the massage joint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's funny with the massage joints before I met you. My friend and I, my friend and I, right? He's like, we should just do it right now. Like I've never done it before. So we went to a place and like a place that he normally goes to. And there was a gate and I had a, he had to bring it.

You know, you had to ring up, do a buzzer and then hello. And a woman looked through the window and she goes, no. She looked at me and she goes, no. Then we went to another place. Same thing happened. No. But did she say yes? Yes.

Because he had been to both places. So I thought, I look like a narc. Do I look like a narc? I wonder because it's such a predominantly Asian thing, like massage parlors. Yeah. I don't know if that's, I don't, I don't know. You look like my brother.

Right. Maybe it's the Asian model minority myth. They don't want to see you go down like that. Maybe. They're, they're okay seeing the white man go down, but not, not our brother. That could be it. Yeah.

It could be it or maybe they, they, they don't want to be, they don't want you to see them doing that. Oh, shame, shame. Yeah. Shame. How horrifying would it be if you see this, right? So I'm going to open up a curtain and you go, mom. It was your mom.

That would be a nightmare. Worst. Right. Because then I would have to get in there and just try to fix it. I mean, you got my f***ing mom. But yeah, congratulations to us, man. Congratulations to us. Isn't it great like to not have like, you know, like all of the,

the attendant f***ing stress of like, and, and dude, with, with me, I was just like one of these f***ing jerks where, you know, like, like I'm super into the girl and then like, I hook up with them and I'm not into them anymore. Yeah. You know, like that whole, it was, it was just like sociopathic, this f***ing pattern of like, you know, pouring on the charm, this like, like, you know, and really feeling like infatuated with, with, with the woman

and pouring on the chum roping her in. It was just like the, you know, the equivalent of just being like misleading and exploitative and then neglectful and then abandoning, you know, like, it was just f***ed up, man. And, and, and the shame that I would have, like when, you know, when I went through that cycle, it's like, oh, I, you know, here I burned someone, you know, like, I just burned someone with the ghost routine. Like, I would feel my self esteem was just f***ing non-existent.

Yeah. Episode 268, Annie Letterman steals the punchline. Yes, I want, of course I want to talk about that. Can we talk about that when I was mad at you? What? How mad? Oh my God, he's so... I would not, I wanted to end her.

I wanted to end her f***ing career. Oh wait, was it the Chelsea thing? Yeah. Oh, I know this story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't wait to talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I want to say this, all right?

I literally had to think about, like, you know what I mean? Think about it before I even brought it up. Yeah. So it's, it's so far in the past that I don't even think about it, right? And number two, I love you a lot. Yeah, I love you too. I f***ing hate it, Jude. All right?

And I wonder if you did, I wonder if you did. And so we do the, I would like to hear your side of the story. Okay, okay, okay. Okay. So I'm oblivious, by the way, of being mad at me. So we go into, I mean, now I know, obviously, because he screamed at me publicly in front of so many people. Did I really?

Did I really? Yes, in the hall of the comments, I was so surprised. I did not think you were mad at me. Okay, so doing Chelsea lately was the most stressful f***ing bullshit. I mean, I have never been more nervous to do anything in my life because it was, it was just very tense. Like I get that I've never met Chelsea before. I think I'd done it like two or three times

by the time I did it with you. Yeah. But when I first, I didn't know Chelsea. I was flying in from New York to do it. They were like, don't look at her. Like, don't look her in the eye, but look near her. And don't like, and they're like, make sure you jump in, but don't interrupt Chelsea.

And like all they say, like they had all these rules and it was very stressful. And I had not been on TV before. Can I interject real quick? I want to just add on. May I? Yeah, of course. The reason why it's stressful.

Okay, is that you don't, you shoot at two o'clock and you have to go to Universal City, right? Right. And sometimes you'll, at noon, they don't have the topics yet. Oh, it's so stressful. Right. And then all of a sudden you get these topics, right? Five things that have happened, right?

And you have to quickly come up with five angles or jokes. On each topic. On each topic, right? Can I get a shout out? Yeah. Because the last two years you did Chelsea, he would not wake up until like 45 minutes before and he would have Nick Yusef and I wake up really early.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just waiting for the fucking topic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we could write his jokes for him. Yeah, right. So, all right. Oh my god, the power dynamic. But in a show like that, right?

Like if you do David Spade's show, for instance, what's it called? Lights Out. Lights Out, right? Yeah. You can say a joke and then you can turn to whoever and go, can I say that over again? Right.

Yeah. And they're like, yeah, take it as many times as you want, right? And they can just fill in the laughter, right? But with Chelsea, you know, you have to say it perfectly or she'll rip you apart. And she'll not ask you back. Like she'll be like. Or she won't ask you back.

Or you know, there's all these other things. They're at play. So now you're there, right? In front of a gigantic studio audience. It's so many people. So many people. It's hundreds of people. And by the way, I always like a couple of my bank tellers

and stuff. I always brought random people. If anyone recognized me from Chelsea, I'm like, do you want to come? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want a picture? They're like, we're good. Yeah, yeah.

And so you're there. And then here's another here's another thing is when you come up with your bits, sometimes this happens, right? You you get a writer and you have to pitch them the bits. And meanwhile, in 10 minutes, you're on air. And they're doing your you're not even a girl. The girl I'm in full make.

They're they're like, close your eyes. I'm like, I can't. They're like putting eyelash. I'm like, I've never written. Topics yet. They're like, are you ready? They're like, we're making you. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're not putting the mic on, right? So you're about to go out and then and then somebody will come in the room and go, yeah, um, so-and-so is already doing that joke. And then you're you and then you're being pulled on and you go, what do I do then? What the fuck do I do? And then you're like, I would have it folded up.

I would have my notes folded up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Trying to like memorize. I'm like, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I'm down. Yeah, like don't look down. I'm like, but I have my notes are there.

Yeah. In fact, one time Chelsea wasn't there. Wanda Sykes was there. TG Miller and I are on the panel, right? And we remember going like, she's there. They're about to go and me and TG know Wanda Sykes. We turned around and we go, what's that Wanda? And she goes like this. And that gesture fucked me up.

I go, I don't know what I'm doing now. Did you do that to you? I don't know why. Was she mimicking Chelsea? I think maybe that's what she thought that the role was. Chelsea would be so different with me every time I did it too. One time she would like, like, because I didn't know her at all. It was so nice for her to put me on.

I cannot believe she put me on the show. And so I was like, we're walking down the hallway and she was like, hey, girlie. And she would like tickle my stomach. I'm going to be like, mama, like, oh my god. I just little old me. I was like an open mic. I'm like, thank you.

And then, and then other times she'd walk down the hallway and she'd be like, I'm like, yeah, yeah. Because I invited her. Yeah. I have to also say, though, that without it, in that chunk of my life, right, I wouldn't have had the numbers on the road. It was amazing. It was amazing.

It changed my life. And we're grateful. We're just complaining about the stress. It was just so stressful. The timing of it, because Chelsea at that point, I mean, I don't know how early you did it on. She was so kind of over. She didn't want to do more takes,

which actually made the show hilarious. Yeah. But she'd just be fumbling through the thing like whatever. And they just put the thing up. She called me Amy Lieberman, like five. I think she might even call me Amy Schumer. Or let's cut to now the night, the day we do it. Okay.

So there's all this stress and the. Okay. So I don't remember the topics or the jokes or anything, but I remember it wasn't, didn't go well. Okay. I remember when we got off. You can say that again. You can say.

Well, I figured out what it was when I watched it. I realized what I didn't realize about the way you were delivering the jokes, because I was always waiting for, I was, you have to jump in. If you don't jump in with you, you were famous. Okay. This was like all I had. So it was like. That's all I had too.

No, no, I agree with that. I'm not okay. No, no, no. I just, I just, I'm trying to explain like. I didn't have any like. I get it. I get what your perception camera and stuff. It's a perception of me.

Your perception of me, you know, me is different than the perception I have of myself. Maybe you're in your head. You're like, well, this guy was on a show before, right? I didn't realize that you were. Okay. So when you delivered your jokes, you would, you would, you would tell the joke, possibly do an act out,

and then you would look at the camera and you would hold a look. And that was like, the laughs would like, it would kill, right? I didn't realize the look holding. So what I was doing was I was so obsessed with my own getting the jokes out. I would hear a pause when it was, you were like continuing to deliver the joke. And I would think the joke was done. So then I would jump in to get the joke, but I was cutting your joke off. Okay.

Can I say this? Yeah. Okay. That's correct. Yeah. Right. But what I saw and I was a fucking, no, no, no. What I saw was this.

Okay. I would wait because I know that you were jumping the gun. Yeah. So I waited for you to do your joke first. Yeah. Right. You would do your joke first. Right.

And in my head, I'm like, okay, I got the two guys out of the way. Right. Right. Now it's my turn to do my joke. Right. Or you're, you get one shot. Right. So halfway, the first time, right.

I didn't, I wasn't even able to tell my joke because you said, you did your joke. I forgot who the other guest was and then it was my turn to talk and you did a second joke. I wish I had a joke to interrupt you with. I know, but you had a second joke and then after your joke, Chelsea goes, okay, now we're going, you know, commercial break. Right. So now I know, now I know we have to go to the next topic. And so in that fucking show, I said nothing.

Right. And so I, I turned, I turned, I turned to Michael Cox and he comes up to me and goes, I, I know, I saw, I go, what the fuck, bro? Oh no. That was my strongest one. That was my strongest one. Right. And he's like, I know, but you can't, you just deliver.

Get, get out, get out in the first one. You know what I mean? In the first one, in the second half, just get your first joke out. Right. I know. But I'm fucking weak to her because I didn't even say anything. Right. So now you have an external locus of control.

Now we're back, now back, now back to it. Right. So I go, okay, this bit is, you know, I'm going to pause and do the punchline. Right. Because the first one is obviously just a setup. Right. So I do the setup. Right.

I do the pause. She goes right in. She goes right in. And I go, what? Right. No laugh. No laugh for me. Because it's in the punchline.

Right. She goes right in. We're getting them now at least. And then the other comic does it. Right. Right. And then also commercial break. Michael comes up to me. Michael's sweating now.

Cox. Because he knows that like my eyeball. Why didn't he tell me? What? Because we don't know. Because everything's moving so fast. Right. Everything's moving so fast.

Right. And now I'm whispering things like, you know, I'm going to kill her. That's so. And I have no clue. She has no idea. She has absolutely. Like what's the next topic? Like I hope I remember my jokes.

So then the third one, right, was the worst one. And this is not your fault. I mean, the third one's not your fault. Right. So mind you, right? I'm on this whole show. I haven't said anything funny yet. Just I've been I've been on camera for about 20 minutes.

Yeah. Just promising. I'm just a guy that's just sitting there. Right. Feeling the sinking feeling when the commercial break comes is really it's like unmatched in life. Like you don't when you haven't gotten your joke out. Wow.

I'm literally also having thoughts like maybe I could just, you know, work at the store. You know what I mean? Like not just a doorman, but like, you know, maybe promotions. Right. Like I'm thinking your whole life is my whole life is flashing before my eyes. Right.

And the third one, I'm about to tell the joke. And they do a thing where Chelsea just interrupts me and she goes, fortune seems to her. She's even on the panel. Right. I think fortune comes out in like a lingerie or something and does a dance. It was a bit that like no one was told about.

See. So the whole show, I'm fucking utter. And then I remember thinking to myself, I hate that girl. Annie, my number one enemy. Wow. You know, I have a lot of enemies on the wall. All right. Yeah.

But like, you know, she's my number one. And then what did I say to you at the store? Oh, and then like we get like, okay. So we get off stage and like, I know it didn't go great, but I'm like, what, you know, I'm just sort of like, I don't like, at this point, I'm not feeling fully responsible. I'm like, we all kind of didn't have a good show, but I also didn't think it was that bad.

Yeah, yeah. And then Cox was like, wow, that was a rough one. I was like, you know, and then I was like, oh, like the lights got darker. And I was like, oh my God, we bomb. My parents are going to watch. This is terrible. And then so when I see Bobby at the store later at night,

and I go, oh, that sucks. Like we didn't do good. And he was like, yeah, I was just kind of like, I had no clue. Like I just had no clue. I mean, I just like am wild. I don't, there's no- Because it was pent up.

It was like, you know, I had it just in my chest. And everyone was like, I was like, and I was like, Bobby, I'm so sorry. I would never, and you're like, you're supposed to make everyone look good. And I was like, I would never, and you're like, you are trying to make me look bad. And I was like, I would never try to make you look bad.

Right. And it was like that kind of- How long, yeah. How long did it take for now for me to get back? Because I feel like- To be friends again? Yeah. I feel like what you did was the right thing.

You did the same thing Tiffany Haddish did. What? Tiffany Haddish, we've talked about on the show when she was here, that she portrayed me, right? And then there was a relentlessness on Tiffany Haddish's part to get me to like them again. Do you think I did that? I think you did.

I think there were times, right, socially, right, that you- I just didn't know you didn't like me ever. So I was just treating you regularly. Oh, is that what it was? I was like, you're mad at me once. In my head. No, it was number one anime. No, in my head, I'm like, wow, she's crafty.

She's probably thinking, right? We're all cool now. But in my head, I'm like, wow, she's saying hi to me and flicking my- That's where the self-centeredness comes in. That's what I tell you, like, you always- You have these hang-ups about- You think people are thinking of you.

Right. And they're not. Everyone's just moving about and doing their own shit. Right. You mad at me when we did the NBC thing? What NBC thing? Remember when we did Finesse Williams' NBC thing? Remember, he was doing a, oh my god,

this is how much you work. You piece of shit. This is how successful you are. Who's Finesse? Who's Finesse, man? SNL. I love him. No, I don't remember that, but what was it?

Okay, you were freaking out. You were like, because you have a thing where you're like, this is my last job, every time you have a job. You were like- I know. You were like, oh, you're like, oh, the execs are here.

Am I bombing? It's like, I mean, the screaming, am I bombing a little bit as bombing? But no. Yeah. I think you pulled your dick. I think you did get naked again. But it was like, one of those,

like they showed us a video and we made jokes about animal video or something. Because, but I'll tell you why. I'm only like that in jobs where it's like, this wasn't a part of my dream, right? Panel shows were not a part of my dream. It's not my skill set, you know what I mean? I've always wanted to like, I like acting

and I like sketches and I like being big and controlling things, you know? And also showing my muscle, right? Doing panel shows. That's why- Is that what you call your dick? What? Your muscle?

Yeah, my muscle, right? That's a good one. But like, so the finesse thing, I don't remember it, but what happened? You just were like freaking out, running around clothes were coming off. Yay. We're having a breakdown.

You're like, oh my god, this is a big network. I'm like, probably, I think it's fine. You're probably going to get several more TV shows. I think you're fine. Yeah. But yeah, I- When did you start liking me again? How recently?

It took a year. Oh, okay. That was a long time ago. Yeah, it took about a year, year and a half. I just remember forgetting. Oh. You know, and then seeing around, what I also like about you is observing you.

I always like to observe you around other comics to see if other, this is so gross. I want to hear it. I'm going to tell you, okay? But this is a gross part of my personality. Ew. I know. It's disgusting, right?

But there's also, I like to see people's trajectory. You know? Okay, let me- I remember watching you say on this podcast before you were like, you were like, I like to know where I am power wise with people. And I was like, he's never thought I was close to him. That's what's so funny. You remember when you brought me on stage once and you were like,

in the OR and you were like, wait, go back. Like you started to say my name until I started to come forward. And you're like, no, no, no, no, go back. Why are you up here already? And I was like, oh, so I went back and you're like, you were like, why would you listen to me? Jesus, I was just fucking with you. Come up and I was like, Jesus fucking Christ.

I'll fit me so hard in front of everyone. I was like, that's a low audience. I'm sorry for this. No, it was funny. I liked it. Yeah, I'm sorry for that. I think it's funny. But, dude, I've always been like that.

Episode 269, Pauly Shore. Sound of time. Your energy right now is negative. You don't know why. Well, we'll get to that now. Okay. But I'm having a bad day as well. So, you know, let's start with nothing.

My day's been good. I understand. It's just, I knew I was coming to see you. Right. And so I've had a really fucked up day. So I wish that your energy and your attitude was a little bit more positive. Well, it's-

You came in real angry. Yeah, well, it's hard to have a positive energy when you're on the documentary talking about my mom's vagina. Yeah, let's just get that out of the way. Wait, I- Yeah, you said something about, like, you used to massage my mom, and then you said

something about her vagina. Yeah. I never said anything about your mom's vagina. You haven't seen the documentary. I've never seen the documentary. Yeah, well, you should watch what you said in it. What? It's pretty bad, dude.

Okay, what did I say about your mom's vagina? I love your mom. It's something about- She's a great vagina. Felling her vagina in the air in the back of the main room. Yeah, but that's- No, no, no, no. That was pretty fucking gnarly.

No one talks about it, you know what I mean? Even the African-American comedians don't talk about my mom's vagina. You're, like, talking about my mom, Mitzi Shore, the legend comedian comedy store. You're like, oh, everyone had sex with her, and her vagina's in the air here at the comedy store, and used to massage her and have sex with her and stuff.

I never said that. Okay, I didn't say you had sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you just did say that, but for the record, for the record? Dude, have you ever been to Russia? Are you poisoning me? Like Russia? Like that guy?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're recovered. You're recovered. I recovered for the record, okay? And for the record, this isn't a deposition. I know, but for the record, I wanna- In your fucking dumb garage. Wow, okay.

It does- I didn't know it was a garage. Those people watching, it's in a fucking garage. This isn't like this ghetto around here. It's a studio. It's a studio. No, it's not. It's a fucking garage. Dude, there might be a fucking car that comes to the side.

Okay, all right, so, all right, now, I want to- I don't remember saying that. It is something that I would say, so let's just get that. That's a factual thing. Number two- Did they error that part? Yeah.

You would think that they would cut it out, and I'm gonna have a discussion with Mike Binder. You would think that they would cut it out, and thirdly- You said something about fucking her pussy or something. No, I never said that. Okay, well, you haven't seen the documentary. Why would I say that I had sex with your mom? It was you.

It wasn't fucking the other Chinese comedian guy, Asian comedian. Who, Peter Chen? Yeah, it wasn't him. Was he in the documentary? Yes. He's the best. Yeah, I know.

What the fuck happened to him? I don't know. I don't know. He had the best. He had the best. The best. You know what he has best? You know how when somebody would heckle,

you have like a retort, a comic? Yeah. His retorts never made any sense. Where were they? One time when he, like, some guy heckled him. He go, you shut up, or I'm gonna put you on a rocket ship and fly you to the moon. I want to apologize for that,

and I will watch the documentary, and I feel really bad about it. I can't believe I said something like that about your mom. I love your mom. She saved my life. She changed my life. Why are you looking in the camera? You have cross-sight.

Your eyes are crossed. I know, so. You know what I mean? People don't know where to look. Can I tell you what happened to me today so that maybe you can be a little nicer than me? Well, okay, but you apologize with the mom. The mom thing is like a serial offense,

because he shot this thing for JFL in Toronto, and he did the same thing, but it was about my mom. And I flipped the fuck out. Yeah, it's not true, dude. You can't, I mean, talk about girls vaginas, but not fucking someone's mom's. It's like, you know what I mean?

You remember that? And then you talked about his side. I do remember, I apologize. I want to put, we're rolling, right? Yeah. We're rolling, so. Mom's vaginas are off the table. All right, I want to apologize to anybody out there.

If I made fun of your mother's vagina, I do just hand Tino a lot too, right? His mom? His mom's vagina, yeah. Wow. But he goes after your mom, too. Yeah, she goes after my mom, too, and it's bullying. It's not a good thing.

Yeah. It's, I don't know why I'm laughing. It's terrible. It's terrible. I apologize. What are you going? I'm just taking it. Okay, okay.

So I sincerely apologize for making fun of your mom's vagina. Yeah, I would. I've never seen it. I was, it was all good and shocked. You were in shock, really? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, man. Why would Binder keep that in?

I said a lot of things. He interviewed me a thousand times, and he would keep that in? That's the only thing he kept it. Yeah, that sucks. Anyway, I apologize. I love you. It's okay.

I'm sorry. Okay, good. Nice to talk to you through fucking plexiglass. It's like you have cancer. Do they know that? Does the audience know there's plexiglass? Yeah, yeah, they do. Okay.

Episode 271, Whitney Cummings and the Non-Proposal. Wait. Should I leave and get another job in the restaurant industry, which might be shit, might be shit, or should I stick with my current job in Tulsa Bringer's Summer? Thank you, guys. Love you. Well, I would stay with the job and then report the racism. Like, anonymously?

Yeah, anonymously, yeah. But who do you report it to? They don't have HR in the restaurant. Oh, they don't? Yeah, this is in Disney. Well, then, okay. Well, then I would report it to the police. Call the police.

Or you could go to, you know what I mean, the owners or whoever are saying these words, and go, listen, you know, thank you for the job. I love working here. But the N-word and all the things that you're saying is so offensive, right? And can you just cut it out? Say that.

Please film this and send it to us so I can see how this goes. No, no, no, just this is what, let me just, let me just, because I'm not, I haven't thought it through. Play it out. I haven't thought it, let me play it out. No, I can tell you haven't thought it through. Right. I would knock on the, knock, knock, knock.

Wait, wait, you be the guy. She's the owner, the racist owner. Okay, knock, knock, knock. Hey, Chink. Come on, Bobby, stay in it, Bobby. Stay in it, Bobby. And no, and then I would close the door and walk away, right?

And I'd still be at the fucking business at work. Then you muster up more stuff. Yeah, and my head I'd just be like, oh, this is, she's not going to change. It probably says sorry, thank you. She's not going to change. She's not going to change. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I love this job.

Yeah, I'll have to absorb it. I'll just absorb it. It'll turn into cancer 10 years from now. Yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. All right, so I would go, I would quit and get a new job. Or try it again, one more time. All right, so knock, knock, knock.

What's up, Gooke? Power through. So, all right, so that's why I came here, actually, boss. Funny you say that. Funny you say that because... But can you see me? Power through, Bobby, power through, power through. Yeah, because, you know, I know my eyes are slannier than most,

but I have perfect vision. What's wrong? Do you need me to drive you home? Bobby, go. That's just a stereotype. Anyway, can you stop saying stuff like that? Why? What's the problem?

Because it hurts my feelings. Oh, why don't you just commit suicide? Like your brother. And then I would close the door. I would close the door and I would just stay there, I think. Yeah. Very quietly. Yeah, quite quietly.

Close it very quietly. Stay there because this is a boss. You would bow on your way out. Yeah, I would bow, you know what I mean? I would bind my feet and I would walk out like that. Episode 249, crow update number one. Guess what new pet we have? I hope it's not a freaking crow or something.

We have a fucking crow living with us now. That's a crow lady. You're one of those bird ladies. I'm going to defend myself. I'm going to defend my fucking crow, baby. That's not I'm going to defend myself. It's I have not brought the crow in. I feel like that's fucked up.

You did propose the idea. I didn't propose it. I would never do that. Okay, false accusations. Crows are very. No, she goes she was it kind of in mulling it over in her head. Like you were you were like, I can't actually begin inside. Can I, you know, like that kind of a thing I wanted to splint its leg.

So it has a broken leg. It landed in our balcony because it's been windy around here. We have a lot of crow families here. And crow families are really, really tight knit. So if they have an injured family member, you always see him like squawking around, kind of keeping eye on that injured family member. Well, that's what happened yesterday.

There was an injured crow and I thought, OK, well, he's probably just going to shake off the whatever his leg and then launch go back around. Well, the injured crow is still with us. I have given when Jules and I have fed eggs, cat kibble, apple, bread. Not just not just eggs. We've given him a bird bath or maybe it might be a girl. And we've you made it a birdhouse.

I saw that. I saw a picture. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I'm not I'm not I'm not opposed to the idea of living with a fucking crow like your face says otherwise. I know my face says otherwise. So we now have a fear that this flightless crow is now just going to live in our balcony

and not rejoin the family. So we've been really delicate about it. We called the wildlife rescue out here. She boiled an egg. She boiled an egg. You build a house. Out of fucking cardboard that took three minutes. You boiled eggs.

You give her like you you not just fruit. We have we don't have a lot of fruit. We get fruit shipped here. Like not just a red delicious apple. We get Asian apples. Asian pear. Yeah, you do. I do.

Yeah, you do. We have I get a CSA box from the farmers market. OK, but they're like they're exotic fruits. And she does. Yeah, she does. Yes, she does. I got to know if these are exotic. She doesn't throw out a peach.

They're not Asian pears. She doesn't throw out a peach. She like sashimi slices them perfectly. Dices them up, right? All right, chef. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, chef. On a plate, right?

She'll dice it and make it all have the water, eggs, fruits. Like omakase for a bird. Yeah, yeah, like, you know, multigrain breads. I mean, she's she's it's basically the four seasons for this. Like when Aaron's happy. He may never fucking leave. No, here's my I'm going to defend myself again

and say that I am thinking about it from an injury perspective. He's going to need protein to heal. No, his broken leg. And I don't overfeed, by the way. I have I feed at a certain time. And I hope that it's just enough to last him through that day. Because if you overfeed, then then he'll never leave.

I believe fear. If if the crow felt fear and urgency to get out of there, right, he'll leave sooner. He's been trying to be tapped on. Right. If I held the cat tapped on the fucking. No, don't give him food or water tapped on a thing. And I go two days.

I looked at the crow looks at me. I go, you have two days before the cat. The cat that the crow would start doing exercises. You're working out to get a shit ready to go physical therapy. Yeah. But we're not doing that, are we? No, we're like I built I built a bed. I took an old I took a skateboard t-shirt.

I built a little bed and made it a little house. And we have all these things that motherfucker ain't leaving for shit. Well, here's the thing I did find out about crows. So I spent all day. That's why I had to cancel our meetings yesterday and we canceled everything yesterday is because you were dealing with a crow. It was it was a day dedicated to to Leonard.

We named her or he. Who names the crow is Leonard. Why Leonard? You really name something if you're going to see it again. No, that's not true. Yeah. Look, listen for a second. So I've been reading a lot about Bobby.

Shut up. Okay, watch. Listen to this madness. Calalea the floor. Listen to the madness. Well, I for starters, I I bought books on crows and magpies and the Corvid family because now I'm like super intrigued, right? And I found out that they're they're actually considered one of the most intelligent, not birds, but one of the most intelligent animals in existence.

They they pass the mirror test so they know who they are. Not only dolphins, apes and a few other animals pass the mirror test and their brain to body ratio is similar similar to that of apes and humans. And so they are they know who we are by now. They know they're a very tight knit family. They're very, very bright creatures. So I was thinking like, wow, like, isn't it weird how because they're familiar birds, anything that's familiar to us seems ordinary,

but we've been living amongst geniuses this whole time just flying around. Oh, and so now we have Leonard, our genius friend. And I hope that he doesn't become a flightless pet we have on our balcony. That would be weird. But I do think that we have now built a rapport with Leonard. And I hope that he knows that we're not out to hurt him. She's acting like she's acting like it's Matt Damon from Goodwill Hunting out there. Maybe they are.

But here's the thing. This is why I believe what you're saying also because you read 500 books about it is Game of Thrones, when they want to send a letter, they don't send a horse. They send a raven. They don't send a wolf. They send a raven. They send a raven and it's the Corvid family. Yeah, it's a fucking fantasy, you fuckhole.

What do you mean? Send messages with birds. Yeah, it's not a fantasy. No, don't bring up Game of Thrones. There's also dragons that they fight. Do we do that? But do the dragon send messages? No, the raven does.

White Walker. Oh, we have those. Oh, we have White Walker. If we have one on the screen right now, let me say something. Let me finish. OK. I thought you were going to bring up what I said about the squids last night. It was so embarrassing.

What about the squids? About the mirror testing. You bring it up, Bobby. Oh, yeah. You bring it up. If you bring it up, you own it. Oh, shit. So yesterday, we were having dinner with Jules, me and him and I.

We were talking about the mirror test and animals that passed the mirror test. And she's saying crows passed. And I was like, I think that crows, I think that octopus are very intelligent. They are very self-aware and whatnot. And he was like, he was like, he goes, that's crazy. He's like, how do they test that? Does a scientist just dive under the ocean

and put a mirror in front of an octopus? Like, sincerely, this is the question he asked. I was like, what do they do? All right, let's try. Grab the mirror. And they go all the way to the bottom of the ocean, right? And they just try to find a squid and they do that. But then I thought that was dumb because maybe they just do it at the sea world.

And then me and Jules were like laughing so hard. Like, and he could not realize why his question sounded absurd until it finally hit like 10 minutes later. He was like, oh, yeah, they could just do it in aquariums. Yeah, I literally thought that they did that. It didn't make any sense to me. And how does like squids even know that that's their, they're looking? How do they find that out?

How do we know that they know? How do they know? How do we know that they look in the mirror and go, oh, I look good today? Look. You know what I mean? My eyebrows are beautiful. Episode 263. Kassim G is timeless.

Can I just say this before you get into advice? George is so bad at his job. When we started our podcast, we had, it's very, you guys know it's hard to get a podcast going and like get some traction. And we just did, we just did our first, finished our first year. And we, thank you. And Gilles' sister produces it. And Bryce, which you guys know.

We love the Bryce. They produce it. They do a killer job. I originally came to George with the idea to help us with it. George has been in no way, shape or form a part of this podcast. When we just started getting like bigger numbers and like getting spikes from having guests like your mom's house and Joey Diaz and all these guys, we get these big spikes and then we, we actually have like a decent

listenership now. And then guess who comes out? Guess who comes out of the year later? He's like, Hey, let's talk about growing. Let's talk about where we're at. Wow. Let's, Hey, you got, Hey, we're only upwards and onwards for us. Buzz Lightyear.

And beyond. Yeah. So I just want to say, uh, fuck you. Fuck you, dude. Fuck you, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Pajama pants.

Yeah. We can, we don't need you. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Gilles' sister, Gabby and Bryce are the architects and they do everything. And you are, you are, you are just, you're sucking on this Tiger Valley tee. And you would, you would be nowhere. I love this.

You would be nowhere without me. You would be nowhere without Bobby. That's true. Lila. And this, and you should, you should be cutting a piece of whatever you're making. This guy's getting married. His life is fucking perfect. Yeah.

Yeah. The game's Amy's buried. No. Do you know that it's actually Bryce who wrote me on Instagram saying, Hey, it wasn't George. It was Bryce. It was Bryce. It was like, do you remember that George? It was, it was Bryce who brokered that deal.

So technically Bryce is, you know, Bryce. Are you happy? Are you happy? This is what people think about you. This is fun. This is good stuff. You're a good sport though. Right?

Yeah. Yeah. But you know what, you know, I don't think that I would, I don't think, Oh God, I'm not going to give you a compliment. Episode 267, Donnell Rawlings and the White Korean. When you look at your kid, because I see a bond and a closeness and he loves you so fucking much. Listen to this. Okay.

This song he wrote for me the other day. I don't know where. Listen. Oh. That was the, that was, okay. I know you guys want to have time. That was, that was the second song. This is the first one he wrote.

He's a whole album. He's gone out, gone out, gone out. I'm fucking crying right now. No, listen, listen, this is the first one he wrote. This is the first one he wrote for me the other day. All right. Okay. I know.

Yo, son, I'm not crying. You're crying. I know. But I'm telling you, bro. That's my fuck you, man. And I respect, listen, what you said about, you know, you had reservations about me or whatever. If I could have, it's two things I would want my peers to respect me for. Okay.

One of them is being a dope ass comedian and one of the best to do it. You know, I don't care about building relationships outside of the stage, like to respect it. I always felt like me personally, then you, you know, I want you to respect what I do as a craft of that. And the second thing is me as a father. You know what I'm saying? And we talked about on the other show and I didn't have the connection like that with my dad.

He was around. He was in and out in prison or whatever. So when I, when I, when I, when I, when I'm, when I'm with my son, I always want to create the memories that I didn't create with my father. You know what I'm saying? I never went fishing with my father. So it's my, I got to take my son fishing. I never, I noticed something crazy when we was doing summer camp.

But this was my summer camp. So dope Chappelle show summer camp. We gave people that was desperate for entertainment, people that were depressed, standing in the house, didn't know what to do. We gave him an opportunity to go out and feel some type of being normal. You know what I'm saying? And but with that, we had activities. I've created this person called the River Ninja.

You're telling me the River Ninja. And he was birthed because I was sick of fucking Hollywood. Right. I'm like, fuck Hollywood. I'm having problems in my fucking relationship. I need to get the fuck away from here. I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to kill somebody else.

I went to yellow spring and found fucking nature. I went on one fucking kayaking trip and I was like, this, I'm the river nigga. This is this. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a river nigga. Look at how many rivers you got to have to get this fuzzy part right here. It's like, I said to myself, I embody this person. And I said to myself, I was like, fuck Hollywood.

I was like, I'm the river nigga. I said from this, I said, I said from the streets to the creeks. Yeah. I said from the hoods to the woods. I said from horse to oars. From Adidas to Tivas. I'm the river nigga. Do you really wear Tivas?

Yes. Yeah. I love Tiva. Oh, fucking dog. Oh, I love white bitches. Episode 257. Christina P. Breaker Breaker. Oh, it was horrible.

It was really bad. Oh, you hobo. But she didn't know about the two year window. She did not know. All right. So can I go back to defending myself? Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you so much. Gilbert. Do it. All right. Get him right here. So I always had two year window. All right. Yeah.

So when I met Kalayla, OK, we met at a coffee shop. People know listening to the podcast, how we met, right? And when I met her, I had a sensation go over me. And it was a feeling that never happened before. I may never have ever again, right? Where is the feeling was, I know this person. Oh, that's cool. OK.

Not, you know, in this lifetime, but there it was a familiarity. Is that how I said it with her, right? And I had a sense of dread as long with it. And not a dread. It was just more of a, oh, this is the forever thing. Yeah. This is, you know, this is this person that I'm meeting right now, right? Is somebody that I've never had anyone check all the boxes for me.

OK. And when I'm with her, usually every girlfriend I've ever had in the history of me having girlfriends, I can't sleep next to them. I do sleep, right? I lived with one, you know, but every night was a restless night of sleep because there was just no comfort there, right? With her. And I've always slept like a baby next to her, almost as if we're one person.

OK. When I look at her, I trust her, I trust her implicitly, right? I've said that I've had a resurgence in my career. There's no other girl on this planet that would have done that for me, except for her. She did it all, all right? And I, she's one of my, she is my favorite person I've ever met in my whole life. She's my favorite person I've ever met in my whole life. I love her so fucking much.

OK. Now, I know my dad died in August. Trying to knock. You're making me cry. No, but I know that my dad died. I know my dad died, OK? I know last in last August, right? I have a lot of fucking problems.

I was molested. I was beat by my dad. I have all these defense mechanisms, right? Because I don't want to feel, you know, I don't, you know, I like just playing video games because I escape, right? And I don't do drinking. I don't do drugs anymore. I don't drink.

I'm sober almost 10 months, right? And I'm proud of myself and I have problems, right? And I'm fucking struggling with these things. I really am. I feel guilt and shame over it, over it, OK? But my feelings for her is forever. And I would never lie to her. I would never cheat on her.

I would never do anything outwardly to hurt her because she's my favorite person of all time. And I've met many people, OK? So you guys can rip on me all you want. You can rip on me all you want, right? And you can call me a piece of shit and I'm a bad guy. I don't want to hurt her. But I'm going to say this right now, OK?

That's a defense. Fuck you. Fuck you, all right? Fuck both of you. Oh, that was like a few good men. That was that good. That was fucking good. Yeah, that was good.

That's a defense. Oh, you just wrote that on the spot. That was really good. All right, that was fucking great. I have never been so salty. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Barely ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today.

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