TigerBelly - Bobby Lee's Tijuana Story

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

Just us this week. We chat jellyfish, Gun N' Rose, silent earthquakes, shaolin haircuts, and The Tijuana Story. Tickets for the TigerBelly Game Show: www.tigerbellylive.com

Let me just do one more. Yeah, we're recording. I agree that I should stay tan all year. I just don't know how. And anytime I get a spray tan, it feels so itchy. Well, that's what Trump uses, a spray tan person? Yeah. What do you think?

He just stays under the sun in Mar-a-Mago? Maybe they have a case here. Maybe he's a future person. And they have future technology. Ooh, there is a medical condition, I think. I think it's called, it's like a, I'm trying to not mix up the two different ones, because I did go to nursing school, guys, I promise, I swear.

But it basically causes you to stay tan all year, really skinny and tan. What about this? Can you tattoo tan? Yeah, I think people tattoo their lips. No, the whole body. I don't think you're just black. No, no, no, no, no, you do the henna colors.

I think you're in trouble for that. For what reason? If you just tattoo your skin every bit of your skin and you look a little darker for the rest of your life. Yeah, because Ariana Grande did that for like a magazine cover, not the tattoo, but it did go like five shades darker. And she got like ripped to shreds for that. You can't do that.

And then she also did five shades lighter with a little bit of the eye. And that did bode well for her either. I love the eyes. The best kind. All right, are we starting? Yeah, we're starting. Count down.

Start, five. Can I say something? I just got to get. My whole body is on fire. You look beautiful. And my tits have like rashes on them. Why rashes? I've just been lit up head to toe by jellyfish.

And I saw it the other day. If I'm scratching, just like, please forgive me. Really? Does someone pee on you? I got fucked up. What's the purpose of jellyfish? Let's just get rid of them. You cannot get rid of them.

There's so many. What do they do? Have you giggled around? Yeah, they're important to the ecosystem. What do they do, though? Give me top three reasons why I'm not finishing. Give me top three reasons. In the same way that corals are important?

No, I love them. To cut the coral. I think they're just upside down coral and that float around. Yeah, I just, how about this? Tell jellyfish to have more of a solid look. They do. It's too fluid for me. It's too fluid and like too translucent for me

to even deal with. There's some like for sure, like less translucent and boxier ones that have like big brown tentacles. What's the one that called the giant? There's one called the king of the, well Japanese man of war or no? The man of war, man of war. That's what a man of war is.

Man of war. Is it man of war? And it's not just one jellyfish. It's actually multiple jellyfish stuck together in a community and that's why it has that whole intestine kind of look. Oh, so there's a bunch of people in one jellyfish? Yeah.

A people. There's a bunch of jellies in one jelly. You've never been stung by a man of war? I have, I have. Yeah, everyone's been stung by a man of war. Oh yeah, go hang out with man of wars all the time. What the fuck are you talking about? Dude, that's the first time I got stung by

what is Japanese man of war? No, Portuguese. Portuguese man of war. It was Japanese. The first time I got stung by a Japanese. No, it was in Hawaii in high school from marching band competition. I remember that happened to me.

I freaked out and someone was like, I have to pee on it. East side, was it Lanikai? Oh yeah, yeah. Of course it was Apple. I remember a girl volunteered to do it. I remember getting so excited that she had to pee on me. And I remember getting-

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember getting hard, kind of, because I was like, but the way she peed, she didn't move her, obviously she's not going to show her vagina, but she started peeing on her leg and had to catch it on her leg.

And I remember being like, this is kind of hot. Is this weird that I feel this way? At that age, I feel like anything's hot. The jelly fish thing probably gave you a boner as well. That too, it's stung. But. All right, let's start. Five, four, three, two, one.

All right, let's start. Five, four, three, two, one. All right, welcome to Tiger Belly. And you guys, this looks fucking great. I love. Back to the table. George and Gilbert did the table all week. Wait, this is George and Gilbert. George and Gilbert did the table all week.

George and Gilbert did the table all week. George and Gilbert did the table all week. Wait, this is table by Johnny, right? Johnny would work. That Johnny? Different Johnny. John, nah. Oh, John, I love Johnny.

Johnny. And that Johnny too. The one that hung on. I like the haircut, Johnny. The one that made this. Oh, he's great. He's one of my favorites. Also, I'm sorry I'm late.

I was playing Elden Ring. I don't know how the fuck to play that game. Somebody's got to call me. What happened to Hogwarts? I play it past four times with fucking four different classes. Too many. All right, I want to start off this podcast a little differently, guys.

Okay, what's happening? And I have to, there's two versions of Bobby Lee, right? There's the podcast version, but I have to put on the real Bobby Lee version on for just this first segment. If you guys don't mind. I don't mind. Okay.

So I want to address this Tijuana story. There's a Tijuana story that I told on Open Anthony. Don't do this with your fucking thing. Don't do that. I told many, many years ago on Open Anthony and there's been an uptick and uproar about this story. And I've always wanted to talk about it, but the people around me are like,

you know what, you didn't do anything. It'll die down, but I'm always like, yeah, but I can explain it. And people are always like, yeah, I don't think you should because you don't want people to focus on it. And this last couple of weeks have been so bad. I just need to say something, you know,

and I'm not, you know, I mean, I think, I mean, it's easily explainable. And so let's start from the genesis of the beginning. Okay. I think the genesis means beginning. But what is the beginning of the beginning? What's the beginning of the beginning? Oh, you're right.

Yeah, yeah. So can I just say genesis of the beginning? I will allow. Thank you, Koala. Yeah. So many years ago, I had a good in New York and played this club called Carolines. It's a world famous.

John, why are you smiling? And not the time, John. Not the time shot. Are you high? All right. And the first time I played it was okay, but the second time I played Carolines, I didn't sell any tickets.

So when you're on the road and you don't sell tickets, what they make you do is a morning of press. And it's brutal. It's like five in the morning, they pick you up. You have to do morning news. You have to do just a bunch of radio shows. And when I looked on the schedule, it said, Opie and Anthony.

And I immediately told the guy that picked me up, like, I don't want to do that show. It's just not my brand. They're fucking edgy. It's like shock, jock, you know what I mean? Radio. It's scary. It's scary.

And if you watch, you know, dad fan on Tough Crowd. Oof, yeah. Right? You see Rich Foss and you see Patrice O'Neill and they fucking rip into him. And I felt bad for that, right? And in my mind, I'm like,

I know that that's what it is and I just don't know how to do it. So when I did it, I was drowning. Like, I didn't know how to do it. And I remember halfway during the show, I just stood up and I left. I don't even think I said goodbye. I just kind of stood up and walked out of the room

because they were like moving the table to freak me out. And then there was a man with a bunny rabbit outfit, right outside, like popping up. And every time I would turn around, he'd be gone or whatever. What is this? And also the type of, like it was, you know, you have to imagine,

it's the best comics on planet Earth at the time. You know, Jim Norton, Patrice O'Neill, Greg Geraldo, Robert Kelly, you know, and these guys are just like fast, edgy, shocky. And, you know, at the time I was just doing dad jokes and I just left. And I told the guy, I go,

I don't ever want to fucking do that show ever again. It's just not my thing. So then the following year, I go back to Caroline's and they go, you didn't sell me tickets. And fucking, you know what I mean? opening Anthony is on the fucking schedule. And I go, what? I don't like, I don't want it.

I don't want to do it. Don't make me do it. And they go, you have to, right? I mean, no one's going to come. And they have a big audience. So I, so this time I was like, I'm going to do two things differently. The first thing I'm going to do is self deprecation

because they, what happened before is like they make fun of you, right? And so I wanted to get ahead of it. And I was like, no, I'm going to rip myself apart. And the second thing I did was, I'm just going to say the craziest shit they've ever heard. Because that's what that show was, right? You know, you have to understand,

it was before cancel culture. And the things that we're saying were, you know what I mean? At a high level of shock. And I was just like, you know what? Yeah, you ate like bull tests. Yeah, I know. Absurdity, it's absurd. Right.

It was delicious, by the way. So, you know, at the time I had two jokes in my act, right? The first joke, and they would only work maybe 40%, 30% of the time. The first joke was, it's not as bad. It's like, you know, I went on a date there a day. She seemed pretty young. She looked like Natalie Portman.

Pause. Puppy. From the movie professional, right? Wow. It's a switch. Yeah. That's what that kind of joke is. Dark.

Dark. The second one, wait for the second one. It's way worse. Gulp, gulp, gulp. It's way worse the second one. The other joke that I could only get work 20% of the time was my girlfriend's grandma died a couple of weeks ago. And last night we were making love

and she burst into tears while we were making love. And I did what any good boyfriend would do. I power fucked her. Yeah, 20%. Yeah, 20%. 20%. It's a harsh joke. It's fucking terrible.

And I took the fucking Natalie Portman joke, that joke, I made up this Tijuana story. Wait, wait, wait. You added 30 Black Marines to your phone. I know, I'm gonna get to that. I've heard about this. I'm gonna get to that. So then, but in my mind I'm like,

no one ever talks about the second half of the story. The crazy part. The crazy part. They focus on the Natalie part and whatever. It's terrible. It's awful, okay? But the second half is so crazy and easily like, it's obvious it didn't happen.

So let's just give you the run through of what the second half of the story is. Is I go back to Tijuana a week later, a Mexican guy who's albino dwarf with freckles on his face and old chair, okay? And three of his buddies, they lure me outside of Tijuana, 15 blocks, where there's no street lights.

I say three legged dogs, right? And I'm just walking, where are we going? Like, why would I? They lure me into an alley, right? And then these four people, they pull out a machete. They put it to my neck, right? Granted, also I'm 20 years old. I mean, look at any photos of me at 20 years old.

I'm just this tiny little guy, machete to the neck. I somehow escape, right? Then I run 20 blocks in the pitch black because there's no lights running, running, running. And I remember I said this joke, I was running like Carlos. Because there was no Hussain Bolt back then. Yes.

Oh, that's true. It's true. There's no Hussain Bolt. And then out of nowhere, 30 black. All black. All black, U.S. Marines. They show up, they scare. I mean, not Mexican Marines, right?

No, no, no, no, not Mexican. And they show up and they scare the four guys. They chase after the four guys, even the little dwarf. You know, can I say dwarf? The red-headed albino dwarf with freckles on it, you know? You can say that, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then these 30 black Marines,

they walk me to the border. I have a question. I need to know, what was inspiration for 30 black Marines in your store? Also, an albino with orange hair does not compute. That's absurd. Unless he dieted. Actually, he could have dieted.

Yeah, because you have to understand I'm improvising. It's not like I have a laptop and I'm going, oh, well, what character am I going to write? No, I'm like literally just saying it for the first time out loud on a radio show. Yeah. You know what I mean? Improv.

And I remember doing the story and people going, yeah. This is crazy. That's crazy, right? And I have to thank Obi-Wan Anthony because I learned how to podcast through that show. You know, I became a regular on that show. They all became really good friends of mine. I developed this muscle of being stronger and not as like,

you know what I mean? I used to collapse really easily. And I just learned how to do what I do now through that show. And I became friends. Which is like absurd storytelling. Yeah, it's crazy storytelling. You know, I want to also give you as an example of that. And I hate giving shit away.

I was never molested by a guy with Down syndrome. Surprise, everyone. You know, it was a joke that I said on stage, right? And then I just started saying it. And people would laugh every time I would say it. And it just became a part of my origin story. You know what I mean? And did it happen?

Like, the Joker has a bunch of origin stories. I do too, right? You have 10. Yeah. So I remember my brother going, one time we were like driving to Koreatown and he goes, you were never molested by a guy with Down syndrome. I go, I know.

You know what I mean? Oops. You know? And I go, but you can't say anything. But also like 90% of your act, even today, is not real shit about me. You talk about crazy shit about me. That's like not fucking real.

Not only that, like we've had guests on the show that said, hey, you told that story about us and that never happened. Or it's completely wrong, right? And there's provable moments. There are hundreds of them. A lot of evidence. But my question is, I don't know. It's pretty obvious that, at least for me,

even before I knew you, I'm going to Bobby Lee for comedy, not autobiographical nonfiction. Like that's just as simple as that. But I do want to say, I understand the opera. It was a tasteless fucked up joke. Yeah, because at the time when I said it, I literally didn't think anything of it. It was just like almost like a prerequisite.

Is that the right word? Yeah. How do you say it? Prerequisite. Prerequisite, right? It was like almost encouraged to say crazy shit. I never thought about it. When I look, listen to it now, it puts a chill down my spine.

It's terrible because I changed with society, right? And I look at that fucking story and I feel guilt over it. It's fucking terrible. It was stupid to say it as many times as I said it, right? I've always been in relationships. We dated for 10 years, lived together. Sarah Highland, we lived together. I've never done any of that shit because I'm not

a weird dude in that way. I hate talking about myself, but I'm relatively just a nice kind of guy. You played Hogwarts Legacy 14. Yeah, come on, guys. But I understand the uproar. I understand why people are upset about it. I'm upset about it.

And I punish myself over it every fucking second of every day. I go, you piece of shit. Why did you tell that fucking story? What do you fucking have in your mind? You're dumb. And it's constant internal dialogue. It's like a fucking nightmare. But at the end of the day, the way I get out of it

is I didn't do anything. It's just not real. It's not real. So I just always go back to it didn't happen. It's not real. And I just know that this is not going to move the needle with people that think that I am a certain way.

I'm not doing it for that. I think initially I'm doing it because I just needed to put the truth out there. And I also wanted to, and I don't want to get emotional, but I just have the best fans in the world. And I also have the best friends in the world, man. I love you so much. I love everyone in this room.

And I love my managers and my agents. They're a little crazy during this whole fucking thing. They've been really crazy over this whole thing. But I still, I love them. And I don't ever want to talk about it again. Honestly, I hope it dies here. It's just. It's not going to.

I don't care. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, I'm going to be free of it. It's not going to die. But, and I don't care. I'm not doing it for that. I'm just like, you know, it's just got out of hand. And that's it.

I remember two years ago, you know, that lady assaulted me on stage because of this joke. In front of a packed room, she called me some crazy shit. And I remember Joe Rogan calling me after that. And Joe going, dude, remember, he didn't talk about that. He talked about how crazy Open Anthony was back in the day, the kind of shit that we would say. And it was like, OK to say shit back then.

It was a different time. I'm not the same generation as Santino or Andrew Schultz or Krista Stefano. I'm way older. You know what I mean? I'm like a couple of generations. I look good. You know what I mean?

I look good and I'm still relevant. Oh, yeah. But I'm still older than those guys. So I've seen different periods in comedy. I was around when comedy was completely dead and no one would go to comedy clubs. I was there during the uprise of it. And I was able to benefit during the podcast years.

I was there doing the shock jock years. And I've tried to bend and twist and conform to different eras of comedy. And I think I've done that for the most part. And there really was an era where you were celebrated for saying the sickest, the darkest, most atrocious thing. And that's what they were.

It was atrocious. But you were celebrated. You were invited back. You got all of the rewards for saying the worst shit. So I can imagine that incentivizes any young comic to be like, you know what? I'm going to double down on what I said last year and make it even worse.

So it's like, that makes sense to me. But as someone who's known you for a really, really long time, outside of podcast Bob, who you are with me at home, you're just the, I don't take this the wrong way, but the simpiest sweetest. Oh, I took that. Someway. Sweetest boy I've ever met.

Even now that we're not together, you come over and we have sweet dinners and all of these things. And I know who you are. There isn't, I can firmly say, there are a few people that know you better than me. And I can attest to your character. And you're just dope. You're lovely.

You're kind. You're all right. I'm out of here. No, I love you. No, honestly, thank you. But so now, any questions? Yes. What was your, what was the visuals of the third?

I'm still stuck. See, this is crazy to me. I'm stuck on the 30 Black Marines improvisation of it because how is no one getting to that? That's insane. Because the second, the whole fucking second part of the story was another Bobby Lee comedy origin story of why I started doing stand-up comedy.

So when the machete was to my neck in the alleyway, I remember saying in the story, God, if you get me out of this, I'm going to be a good boy. And I'm going to start doing stand-up comedy. And so there was a whole reason why. To me, there was like this, oh, it goes, you know what I mean? Full circle. It's a full circle, you know what I mean?

Origin story, right? And I mean, there's so many different origin stories. There are some origin stories like, I was working at a coffee shop. I was walking by the comedy store. And I saw a help wanted sign, you know what I mean? There's just so many different. Wait a second.

That one is also a fake origin. I don't know how it started. That's the one I took. I don't know. I lie so much. I don't know how anything started. I want to tell other people in entertainment as an inspiration story, that one.

Wait, what are some other origin Bobby Lee stories that you could think of? Let me origin, Bobby. How we start doing the stand-up? Or just in general, you said you have so many origins. I mean, there were things like that happened in my past as a kid and stuff that I just made up or, you know what I mean?

I mean, I tell this one awful story that I made up. But I don't know if I could say it here. Oh, god. I think you can't. And it'd be another fucking TikTok. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to say it here. But there's another one that I like.

I go, that's completely fabricate. You know what I mean? But yeah, I mean, no, but there's a bit of a lot of why I started comedy. That's when I met origin stories. And yeah, I mean, would I say that fucking story? Not your fucking mind. No way.

It's terrible, but it's crazy. But anyway, I. It's like, imagine going through life thinking. Like, imagine what kind of person you would have to be to think that you've never done or said anything wrong. Like, imagine what kind of fucking holier-than-thou person is coming after you, right?

Like, that person, I swear to god, any of these people better be fucking perfect, better have never said anything fucked up in their life, better not have ever said or made any mistakes. Like, it's just that our shit's on a mic. You know, like, there are a lot of things that I fully wholeheartedly regret saying. But it's like, that's just who I was in my 20s.

Like, that's why I was dumb, uninformed. Like, it was, and there's a lot of shame around it. But also, it's like, I've learned to, I'm like, I'm not going to beat myself up. Because, like, you're bound to stumble and say fucked up things if you've been speaking on the mic for thousands of hours. You're just bound to.

So I don't want you to beat yourself up about it because you know, I know who you are. And I know you would never hurt anybody in that way. Yeah, I mean, people have also asked, like, why would you tell that story more than once? And- My question, if it was true, why would you say that many things?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And it's an easy explanation. Like, you know, I've talked for 10,000 hours, you know what I mean, on podcasts and radio shows. I started in 1995. And you have stories in a file, you know what I mean? I have, like, 60 stories that if I'm stuck or, you know, I don't know what to say, I just pull these things out

randomly, you know what I mean, depending on the environment. And that's why, like, when I said this story 10 years ago on Tiger Belly, I completely left out the Natalie Portman thing, right? Because you just kind of just say it. You don't remember how it really goes. But you know the bullet points. And you just kind of make shit up again.

You think Natalie Portman will do Tiger Belly? I would love to. She should, yeah. Yeah. I have a cat knocking on the door. I'll say this. I know that feeling, not to your extent, because you've been famous for a long time.

But, like, I was on JK News once, and I was underslept. And I told this story. I thought it was funny. I told this story because I was like, I have nothing in the tank. I have nothing in the tank. And I do, like, what entered my brain was a memory of, like, my much older cousin telling me

to jerk off my German shepherd. I remember that. And I was, like, seven years old. I was, like, seven years old, right? And he was like, you have to make him happy. And because he's, like, pumping everything. And I was like, how do I make him happy? And he's like, you just do this.

And I ended up, like, touching, like, at seven years old, like, thinking that I had to release my German shepherds from his, like, you know, like, erection. Let me ask you something. And then that has come to haunt me. Like, I swear to you, like, to this day, I'll post a picture with, like, just me on the beach. Like, can I just say something?

I'll post a picture. I'm like, look at me in the beach, like, with my family being so happy in the Philippines. And someone will be like, yeah, but you jerk off the German shepherd. And I'm like, oh, my God. But is the German shepherd older than you at the time? He was.

Then that's on him. That's on him. That's on him. Oh, my God, you're right. That's on the German shepherd. I'm the victim. Yeah, you're the victim. You are.

You know what I mean? The Germans then went, rock, rock. You know what I mean? Rock, rock. And you're like, as a kid, you were like, OK, you know what I mean? Yeah. But you know what I mean? He was the power position.

Like, I could have, like, a Mother's Day tribute. And someone would be like, is she proud of the fact that you jerked off your dog? I'm like, fuck, man, I'm never going to escape this. All of this to say, it's like, look, like, you kind of, like, we make our bed, right? Like, we're going to throw things out. They're out of sheer desperation for a fucking story. Because it's like, you haven't slept.

And now you have to be in a studio at, like, seven in the morning for eight fucking hours. And you're like, what am I going to say today? So I can't relate to some degree. Yeah. Yeah, man, it's terrible. It's fucked up. It's fucking terrible.

And you know, I'm in dog rescue. Like, I like this reputation that I would ever do this. It's bad for your brand. It's bad for my brand. But, you know, but, you know what? But, but, but this whole thing, though, has, um, like, I'm no longer on social media anymore. I mean, I may never go back.

You know what? And I'm so much happier about it. It's like, I just, why? You know what I mean? I feel just so I'm like just doing other things and I'm not scrolling and I'm not, you know what I mean? It's, it's, it's, I think, you know, in many, yeah. But did social media give you like, like, I don't think

that people should drive you away from it. If at one point social media posting about your life made you happy, you should reclaim that. Yeah, but, um, I don't know. This time around, the comments were so brutal. You know what I mean? That, you know, your mom and your whole family should kill yourself.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Um, you know what I mean? You should stick a shock under your mouth and blow your head off. And when you read stuff like that, you just kind of go, you know what I mean? Like the last couple of, I've just been going to A meetings

and just like, just, you know, I mean, trying to meditate and this and that, but it's like, it was pretty brutal. And, um, you know, I would just burst into tears driving down the street. It was fucking terrible. And I just don't know if I want to go back, you know? And I'm going to take a break. I might even go on a vacation on my own.

I've never done that in my life. Like, you know, like Ari did that, the Jew, you know what I mean? You'd be in Thailand or, I mean, the great wall with his backpack. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're going to be running from the Kobe thing, you know? You should take it.

You know, yeah. But even, you know, like, even like my friends and I've said crazy things and this and that, it's like, you know, the internet's fickle, it dies down, you know? And, um, you know, I, because when Ari did the Kobe thing, I was like, oh, he's done. You know what I mean? And he's not.

Yeah. You know, um, no one's done. No one's done. But I don't want to talk about it ever again. I'll be, I'm being real. I don't care. I'm never going to talk about it again. And, um, I just want to put this out there and it's really

important to me. And I've, and it's given me like the energy to live and to keep going. My fans, you know, they're the best, you know, and it's funny because when I'm at the comedy store and people are wearing tiger belly shirts, the staff and the doorman and everyone goes, you have the best fans. I really do.

They're so cool. And, um, I want to thank them. And what's crazy is that the only source of the story is me. You know what I mean? I'm the only source. This is how people know about it. And, you know, it's a complete and utter lie. My mistake is that I repeated it.

You know, it's insane. And I don't know. It's like one of those things where it's like, wow, what a dumb move. You know, I don't have a time machine. I wish I could change it, you know, but I can't. And it's terrible. But the way I can move on is because I just know in every,

in my soul, in my heart, just, it's like, that's not who I am. I would never do anything like that, you know, and everyone around me knows that, you know? I mean, I kind of want to sum it up by saying, like, there's a reason why people call you the slept king. Like, you're literally asleep on everything. Yeah.

Like, I don't know. There are parts of me that's like, wow, maybe I am brain damaged because people have to explain to me what woke is and what slept is because I'm slept. You know what I mean? But that's like, I don't want that to change. Like, I'm not going to change that because I can't change what I am dumb.

I mean, I can't change dumb, right? But what I can, and you know, there's a reason why one of our slogans is, I lie to win. And the reason where I came up with that is. That was your presidential campaign. Yeah, I know. If I ran for president, that would be my fucking thing, right?

Lie to win. LTW hats, you know what I mean? LTW, I know. Wait, but an election year is coming up. I think that we should bring back. Bring back that platform. You should. But also, you know, if I told people on this podcast or any

other podcast the way it actually is, right? Like the facts and the truth of how stories actually unfold, nobody would listen. Everyone would be asleep. It's so boring. Life is boring. Like my life is like, I wake up, I have a burrito, right? And I play two or three hours of Hogwarts, you know what I

mean? Then I try to write, but I don't. I just stare at a piece of paper. And then I'll go to the comedy store, right? Do a set. I'll go to the spa. Come home. That's every day of my life.

I think yesterday, like we had one highlight, which is like, I was like, I had hi ho burger. And you were like, I had hi ho burger. And you were like, yay. And that was the most noteworthy moment during the day, because the rest of the day is fucking boring. Yeah. I also kind of want to say that when I was 17 years old,

I got sober, right? And nothing after that wild happened in my life, because you're just this guy. You can't put yourself in situations that are dangerous and this and that, because it's like, you don't want to relapse. And I stayed sober after that for 13 years. I just have always had this sober life of like, yeah,

Kanye sponsor, or going to this meeting. And if I said that on a podcast the way it really is, it would be not entertaining. I also want to add to that is when you podcast, we have George and we have Andreas writing down notes and going, you can't say that, right? I mean, even to this day, we say wild shit. And we laugh together.

And we laugh together, but it's like, we don't air those parts because it's over. It's over if you put it out there, you know what I mean? People just suck the joy out of it. I know, that's what it is. It's like, I mean, the whole reason why I never even wanted to address this thing. I mean, I've always wanted to talk about it, defend myself.

But there was a part of it that was just like, I just don't want to give, open up the curtain and go, this is how it all works. Because you want to assume that people know better and that they have the mental capacity. They don't. And be like, you know what? That's an absurd, obviously comedic, crazy story

that never happened. It's a comedy part. I'm a comedian. I'm not Lex Friedman. I don't know anything. Like if Lex Friedman said that whole story, questionable. Yeah, questionable, right? Because he talks about facts and numbers,

you know what I mean, and how everything works. Algebra. I think I'm sure there's algebra involved. For sure, math. And mathematics, right? I don't know. I didn't go to college. I've never read a book, right?

So it's just like, I've always lived in this like fantastical, you know what I mean, world, the slept kingdom, you know? And so in the slept kingdom, you say shit, you know what I mean? This and that. And you build this world. And sometimes you fuck up and you say shit. That's all.

And some people don't have the critical thinking, you know, capabilities to hear something like that and be like, that's obviously fucking stupid. Yeah, I'm not serious about anything. But in terms of everything else, this is all about levity and shock and trying to get a reaction out of people. And let's just fucking move on from it, man. Let's move the fuck on, please.

So why didn't you take me to the Philippines this time? Oh, my God, I knew this is you never did. Oh, my God. That was like the crew, right? You went with the exact same crew last time. Yes, but I he was the first person I asked. No, you didn't. I did.

And you know what? Yeah, it hurts me. You turned me down three times. There we go. Another lie. Because because since Andrew's doing it. Because there's the lie. Andrew's in Australia doing a Hollywood movie, Hollywood,

you know, Hollywood, Hollywood. And I and I had to fucking double up work. And you know, I had to carry the shell. Santino and I were chatting and texting on the other side of the world, and you were not there. Like we were on the same. Like Philippines is just kind of north of Australia. And he was like, I'm in Australia.

I'm like, I'm in the Philippines. And we had that moment. We're like, where's Bobby? And you were being a fucking loser in America. Let me ask you this. What would what would happen if you were in the Philippines? Andrew's in Australia. And then like, you found out that the United States,

there was a nuclear bomb and everyone died in the United States. What would you do? I first, I'd be really thankful that my entire family's with me in the Philippines, but we're dead. George, me, Gilbert, John, what the fuck? Oh, my God, we're evaporated. That's on anyway. What do you how do you think I'd react, Bobby?

Great. He will occur. Great for a first. Your family's with you, right? Was Roger with you? Yes, everyone was with me, except for my dogs. Oh, there we go. There we go.

So that would be obviously fucking devastating. What do you think? Would you think of the dogs before me? No, I here's what I think. I think you're a cockroach. You are. You will never die. Oh, you think, you know what I mean? 20 years later, you know what I mean?

When the fucking shit clears up, I'm going to be chilling. Yeah, you will emerge. Hogwarts legacy. You just naked play. Yeah, no electricity. No, just no blank screen. What's the matter?

Like a crazy person. No, I imagine I always imagine you being like the only guy emerging from the rubble. And the only reason I think that is because you probably wouldn't even know there was like a nuclear bomb that landed like you're so deep in your headphones and into Hogwarts that like, you know, they say like in a car accident, the people who survive

are usually the ones who were asleep because their body is relaxed. And the people who see the accident coming tense up and they sustain like more injuries. Yeah. I think you're the guy who's asleep. It's so funny because then 100 years later, right, my nuclear shadow would be just.

You're playing a game, right? And then like scientists would look at my nuclear shadow, right, and go, what was this guy? This guy was playing fucking video game when a nuclear bomb, like sirens are coming up. It's news channels. Right, news channels. And this is probably his phone's ringing off the hook, right?

And this guy's just like, you know what I mean? Or with a manual, like, you know what I mean? Like how do I get all the field pages in Hogwarts legacy, you know what I mean? Well, that's what happened. Like when we, remember there was a big earthquake in the desert and all of us are like hanging on and like basically like, you know,

it felt like we were like surfing a wave. I remember calling Bobby and being like, sweetie, are you OK? And he didn't notice that the earthquake had happened. Like didn't give a shit that I was like, hey, that was like a six point something earthquake. He was like, gotta go, bye. Like just know, like, no, then pick up on the world around him.

Can I be completely, and this is, you know, we've said that, you know, I exaggerate a lie, makes it up, but this is the truth. In fact, you know what? I think we should do a thing from now on, right? Where it's like, you know what I mean, a hand gesture or something I say that goes, this is a truth, truism, right?

So do I do this? That's truth? Yeah, yeah. Guys, OK. Like, then you take the mask. Taking the mask, yeah. OK, I don't even have to say that. Just do this, right?

And I'm going to go, I've been in California for 51 years. I have never felt an earthquake. And I'll put the mask back on, and I'll do a different one. I'm not kidding you. Do you feel like you have an inner ear problem? Like, are you just always rocking that? Maybe I'm shaking, I have shaky insides. Oh, it's suspension.

So everything moves. Yeah, I'm like one of those cholo cars. Yeah, you have hydraulics. You have hydraulics. Yeah, yeah, I've never felt one. People go, it's a 7.1. I go, what, the dive? Is the Olympics happening?

What the fuck is going on? I don't, I've never felt one. I've never felt, in fact, I've never felt any kind of natural disaster. So do you think that while it's happening, because you're so short and stout and fluid, that you kind of just jellyfish with it? You are.

He's a human jellyfish. No, I think, because remember, I slept through 9-11. Because jellyfish, I don't think, like, necessarily feel like the big surf, because they're always just in constant motion, right? Yeah. I think you're always in some constant, like. No, I slept through 9-11, remember I told you that?

Yeah. I didn't find about 9-11 until 9-12. Yeah. Wait, put the mask back up. Yeah. I didn't find out about 9-11 until 9-12, because I think I was sick, and I was just in bed all the time. No one called.

First of all, I was so mad, because no one called me about 9-11. Like, you know what I mean? They didn't check up on me. Were you in New York? No, I was here. OK. Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah, well, why were you checking up on me?

No, but even like, you know, even like, even like, like, whoa, bro, it's crazy, or whatever, right? Yeah. And I remember being sick, and I remember Tuesday. I don't know what day it was, but I remember the next day, I had to work. I was on mad TV at the time, right? And I remember going to a Starbucks, and like,

I felt an energy there. Like, a solemn energy. And I thought I was like, is it me? Like, I always made it about myself. Like, I'm bringing this gloomy vibe, you know what I mean? And then I remember looking at Starbucks as those, you know, newspapers. Back then, they used to have it.

And I remember the front, I was just like, and I reacted like it happened just now, in front of everything. They had a day to process it. This is 9-12 already? Yeah, 9-12. And 9-12, I was like, oh my god! And they were like, it happened yesterday. But yeah, so maybe with earthquakes, I slept through them.

Yeah. Did they ever happen during the day? Yeah. Yes. Any moment. Any moment. Like, it happened right now. It can happen right now.

So if ever, how about this, let's do a new. Like, in our relationship, during 10 years, we've had at least eight earthquakes together as lovers. And you felt zero. That's amazing. I've checked in on you eight times. Can we do a deal? Yeah.

Next time, there's an earthquake. Look at me and go, it's happening now. So that I can kind of feel what it's like, right? I can live in the moment. I go live in the moment, feel what it's like, right? Because if you don't do that, I'll think it's a truck. You know what I mean? I'll think it's like my neighbor playing fucking scorpions.

Super loud, you know what I mean? It doesn't, I don't have that, you know what I mean? I don't know what it feels like. Wait, you talk about the band Scorpions. Yeah. It's not Scorpions. How many Scorpions are there? Just one.

Oh, it's Scorpion. Yeah. Is that the guy's name? I don't think that's the band name, it's Scorpion. The 80s big, the metal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If there's four members, right, it doesn't make any sense. But it's just Scorpion.

No, it should be Scorpion. They should change it. Is it Scorpions? I think it's plural. Thank you. Because if it's Scorpion and three other guys. Oh my god, you're right. Exactly, it wouldn't make any sense.

And it's not four, it's five. Five, yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, yeah, yeah. See, lying. We didn't have to ask that. If it wasn't plural, it was Scorpion, then somebody in the band, probably like the guy that plays the fucking cowbell.

Who do you think it is there? Yeah, he's like, oh, who's the Scorpion out of those guys? Who's the cowbell guy out of this? The cowboy guy? The guy all the way to the right. For sure. For sure, right? I've heard of me.

I've always, like, you know, it's, you know, like the Mandela fact or what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I would have to make, there's no way it's Scorpion. But you know, it is called The Beetle. Sorry, all right. And the Rolling Stone. And an eagle.

Yeah, eagle. Eagle. Oh my god, you're right. Gun and Rose. Gun and Rose, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's the Scorpion. Scorpion, zzz. But if it's Guns and Roses, why is it only Axl Rose?

Because the other guys are the guns. Yeah, but how many roses are there? Guns and roses. Well, let me ask you this, does Axl have family members that aren't in the band? Yeah, but basically what he's saying is the roses are my last name, right? Right.

So why would you say, because if his last name is Roses, right, it's not going to be Axl. You're right. I don't know. I was kind of on board, but I think I hit a part. I was like, this is genius. What I wanted to say. But then I kind of went, oh, I'm in no man's land.

Yeah, I don't know what the fuck. George, what's wrong? I just thought Axl is an awesome name. Why didn't I name myself Axl? Everyone's naming their kids Axl. Oh, it's a bullshit name. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone's naming their kids Axl. What's that other? Hendricks, like all of these. Yeah, it's just a touch, Corny. Wait, wait, wait. Hendricks? Yeah. As a first name.

As a first name. Yeah. What if your last name's Hendricks? Hendricks, Hendricks. Hendricks, Hendricks. Oh my god, that's what Filipinos love to do. Yeah, Hendricks, Hendricks. They like to double up on a name.

I grew up with so many Antonio, Antonio's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too much. You know what I would love to do if I was Hendricks? I would put Hendricks one time and then put a two. Squared? Or a square? A squared.

Yeah, that's it. I would sign everything with Hendricks and then a little two. Yeah, but that's not novel. That's just Filipino. I'm so sorry. What do you mean? Like everything is. You guys think you're so special.

No, we just do things two times. Yeah. So there's Alfonso Alfonso as well? Oh, yeah. 100%. Yeah. Everything is two times. And we always put the two after the name.

Oh, you do? Yeah. No. Yeah, la pu la pu. And we put that instead of writing la pu la pu, we just la pu two. Wow. Also, can I say something too?

Do you have any of those Thai treats? Thai treats are Taiwanese. That's what I said. Taiwanese treats. I bought you a bunch of treats from Taiwan. So fucking good. Really good. We're so fucking good.

What do you mean? It was a fancy shit. There's this taro pastry thing. And then there was a pineapple cake. OK, classic. Is that a classic Taiwanese thing? Yeah, pineapple cake. I didn't like that one.

OK. He liked the. It was like cocaine. The density. No, when you bit into it, it powdered. Powdered into your mouth like cocaine. I love it. Yeah, I don't like cocaine.

You like the mochi. Oh, I'll jab it in my nose. Oh, can I just say another thing that I said the other day, and I feel fucking bad about it? What? I discovered something new. OK. Vape through your nose.

Oh, Bob. Is that a thing what Gen Z is doing? No, I've discovered it on my own. So you're the only person. And then the next thing is going to be like vape through your asshole. No, no, no, no, no, no, that's not what it is. Why wouldn't you go at asshole?

When you vape through your nose, especially you have a fruity flavor, right, your boogers taste different. Your boogers are more delicious. It doesn't have that salty vibe to it. I mean, it has. This is what you guys should cancel him for. This is his stuff. This is cancelable fucking offense you're doing.

If you're killing from an e-sig, you should avoid doing so through your nostrils. Are you really? It can apparently do some real damage to your nose. Oh, fuck, I'm not going to do it again. Oh, fuck, that's fucking real, dude. Yeah, I'm not going to do it. But try it once.

If you vape and you have a fruity flavor on your thing, you don't have to tell people you did it. Just go to the bathroom, vape three times through your nose, one nostril, and then taste your booger. It just changes it. That's all. It's science. Did you miss me while I was in the Philippines?

I did. I was so. I feel I feel lonely now. He told us that he feels lonely. I feel so lonely. I said you could just stay with me, spend the night in our place. I know. I just feel so alone.

And I also, I'm not going to dane anybody for the rest of my life, I don't think. I'm done. We're getting back together, guys. Change the title of this podcast. I'm going to take a year off, you know what I mean? And because it's just pointless. Do you want to throw a party here?

What kind? I can write like a Gatsby type of thing. Because you're a lonely man now. Let's just throw a house party. Oh, with tuxedos? I just really overtly like glamorous, like crazy. In my house? Yeah.

Oh, because it's an empty house. He's never done a house party. There is a cold draft in this house, and it's pretty depressing in here. I don't like you being here. I know. Not only that, it's like when Andrew was gone and you were gone, and just being here by myself

with my own thoughts, it's a fucking nightmare, man. You just sit there and go. Because I did Hogwarts Legacy with four different houses. He almost did a fifth. I almost did a fifth. I was like, I'm going to start again. You know what I mean? With a Gryffindor, and I deleted it

because I was about to start again. And I got this too much. So then I downloaded Elden Ring, which somebody has to tell me how to fucking play that game. But my point is that there is, you know, when you're my age and you're alone in a house, it's just there's an emptiness that I can't even describe. It's so sad.

Maybe I'll just get used to it, I don't know. Or, or, get out of the house. Come with us to the Philippines, do things, be around your friends, people you trust, people you love. Like, we're all here, right? We're all here. We all love you. But I also took it for granted, I think, you guys.

Jules, too, your family, I took it for granted. But my mom's coming to see you tomorrow. Tomorrow, yeah, that's going to be great. Thank God. Because there's things growing up there. There's smells and things growing up there. I don't think people know that my mom still comes over to clean Bobby's house.

Yeah. And I'll tell you why, she's the best. But no, it's because you also call her. And like, you beg, you beg. I beg, yeah, it's fucking terrible up there. I have laundry that I can't pull out of the dryer. And now, you know how that you pick up on the wrinkly? No, it becomes wrinkly, but I refuse to do it.

Wrinkly. Oh, the cat litter, I don't scoop up the poo. I just add more litter on top of it. So now, all the litter's like piling over the fucking box. You know what I mean? And the cats are like, what the fuck? You know what I mean? It's fucking terrible.

Oh, my God. Yeah, I saw cat food on the counter. Is that normal, too? No, that's vomit. Oh. No, I don't do the dishes. So I'll just put now. Because you have pet dishes and bowls.

I'm using human ones now, too. And now, the fucking sink is filled with just cat food with their cat bowl. It's fucking disgusting. Because you don't want to clean out the cat food bowl, so you just keep adding more fucking food onto the cat. It's fucking sad, man. Anyway, though, what a great episode.

What a day. What a great episode. What really good feels and being around family and loved ones, you guys are the best. And George, right now, I don't know what the fuck you're doing, but your vibe, this whole podcast, has been fucking scary. Your vibe, your energy right now?

Look how good he looks, though. He looks great. He trends. But it's like you're doing like you're a lawyer. Are you a lawyer? His wife is. OK. Anyway, guys, thanks for listening.

Are we done? Yeah. I'm really happy to be home. Good. And the next time I go to the Philippines, you're going. I'm going. I have to go because I'm vlogging. Yeah, they're just like, I don't know.

You're just coming with me. That's it, end of story. It's just been a tough month, man. You know what, I ride for you till the day I die. We're going to be OK. I know, but it's just been so fucking hard. My neck hurts. I can't sleep.

It's fucking. Oh, let's get massages today. I want to maybe my neck hurts. Not today. Also, here's another old FYI, too. For everyone that is curious, I'm going to get a haircut. Oh, yeah, he talked about it. Yeah, and I'm going to do the one that,

what's it, the Edrin or which one? There's one that like the one that what's the guy, the crazy guy that does our pocket, the guitarist. Oh, like, what? No, you're talking about you're talking a bull cut. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, a bull cut. But the old bull cut, but then Oliver, Oliver Stone, Oliver

Stone, Oliver Tree, Oliver, Oliver Stone has a fucking. No, yeah, I'm going to do what Oliver Tree does and then shave the sides. Right, and just do a bull cut like that. What do you think? The kids are doing it. Don't go to Korea because they will don't go to Korea because they will throw you in the salt mines.

They will with that haircut. They will absolutely throw you in the salt mines. They will mistake you for something you are not. A North Korean. What the fuck are you talking about? No. OK, don't do it. Give me a suggestion then.

I've done mallet and then Theo gets mad. Oh, I do this. Do the Shaolin one. Where you just have the hair right in the middle with a pony. Yo. I like that. Yes.

You don't think people are going to tease me? Oh, they will. They will tease you. Yeah, really? I think that's honestly genius. Can I ask you another? I like the eerie. Have you seen the eerie?

That guy, you would crush that. Or you do like a. Yeah, but that's like Carlos can do that. No, Carlos doesn't have up top. Oh, he doesn't have up top. He has the opposite. So he purposely shaved that part of his fucking head. Yeah.

Fucking interesting, dude. No, I don't want to do that because I'll never be able to do anything after that. Do you like the one I was talking about? Which one? I wish one. Just the Shaolin like that. Shaolin monk?

Yeah, the Shaolin monk haircut. OK, I want to ask you a question about mustaches too. When you know how they do the Fu Manchu, is the Fu Manchu hair growing from this part? Or is it just these top hairs growing long? OK, so I think. Do you understand what I'm asking? I think they want to let, they want you to believe

that it grows all the way, but I truly think it's just the length going down. Thank you, because I'm going to do one. Will it grow that long? Yeah. Oh, if you don't trim it. Oh, yeah, we don't trim it. Look at this.

This is so badass. No, because it's not going to grow back the other half. It will. It's not going to grow back. I swear to God, it's not going to grow back. My hair is so thin. It's not going to grow back. Bobby, please do that haircut.

With this? With this? All right, so now the space between the fucking thing, is that purpose, or does the hair doesn't grow there? Oh, that's purposeful. That's purposeful, that's purposeful. And you know what, he puts like, what is that? He puts gel on it?

Yeah, I think he just rolls it. I don't think he needs to put gel. You just use the oil in your hands to keep rolling. Right. And dumbfounded, or none of the Koreans are going to make fun of me? No. Yeah, they won't make fun of you.

They're not going to bow or do anything like that? No. OK. Well, I want to change my look, I think. I think it's time. Good. I think we're all ready for this to begin. Great, let's hear it.

Thanks. OK, let's get started the day ahead. Nobody knows what the hair size change in Tokyo-era comes with it. So for this day, we only saw the haben