TigerBelly - Cristina Mariani & Whitney’s Fake Plants

Episode Date: December 3, 2025

We welcome rising comedian Cristina Mariani to the studio.  Got big game show dreams? DraftKings Casino is making them a reality! All players get a share of SEVENTY FIVE MILLION SPINS on Wheel of... Fortune Triple Extreme Spin. For eight days, everyone gets Spins on the house! Just log in and head to the Promos page to claim your Spins every day from five to nine PM Eastern Time. Then tune in to DraftKings Casino week on Wheel of Fortune for more puzzle packed casino fun!  That’s www.helixsleep.com/belly for 20% Off Sitewide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you! Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to www.zocdoc.com/belly to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. Food coma recovery made easy. Go to www.kachava.com and use code BELLY for 15% off your next order.

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Starting point is 00:01:23 And it's going to be in San Diego, California, January 16th, 2026. January 17, 2006. And it's at the San Diego Balboa Theater. And the tickets are on sale now and come check it out. I would love to see you there, and I'm super excited. And we're all going to be there.
Starting point is 00:01:42 I'm all going to be there. Support Papa. Papa. Pippa. You-ho. You've never done that before. We got brand new merch for this Black Friday.
Starting point is 00:01:53 Collect the merch. Give it to you all. I saw a comment the other than the other day that I saw a comment the other day that you purposely sit there so people can see your reflection in that What comment did you find this in? Does George position themselves so his reflection is off the glass? And I said, yeah, I think we have to reposition. Wait, I got to look this up.
Starting point is 00:02:39 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, um... It's the only time I get any screen time, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I don't like that. Wait, but is that true? No, it's a happy half. I see you through it right now, dude. Check this out.
Starting point is 00:02:51 Okay, so here's last week's episode. Yeah, I could wave to everybody in the wide. You purposely do. that. Oh my god, so funny. Yeah, yeah. Dude, you are perfectly positioned. You purposely do that, dude.
Starting point is 00:03:07 Can we angle this differently? I can't, I can't do it. Right above your head. Yeah, I can't have the ghost of George. You know, the people that move things are really expensive. So if you want to get a whole new line here, we can move that. You just angle it slightly. That's so funny.
Starting point is 00:03:20 I'm going to open that and I'm going to put something on that mirror. Yeah, I can't do it. You saw a comment. Yeah. Yeah, I saw a comment. Like, it bothered them. That's why. It bothered them.
Starting point is 00:03:31 It bothers me to see him in that reflection. I'm not being, yeah. I don't like it either now that I know. Don't worry. Hand cuts me out of social media, you know. If it's ever shot here, it's just Gilbert's face. Hey, thanks for making it to my birthday dinner. Yeah, I have sore throat.
Starting point is 00:03:49 And now everybody has him. Yeah. Zu, you want me to get your little baby sick? No. Well, then what are you doing? Also, who has a birthday dinner in Long Beach? I spent the whole weekend. there with my family. It's too far.
Starting point is 00:04:01 My old hood. It's where I like to eat. It's where all the good stuff is. Chinese? Lobster? No. Yeah. I'm not... Listen, when we met, I drove so many times to Long Beach. You did, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think all those count.
Starting point is 00:04:16 Oh, you like stocked them up. I stocked them up. I stocked my Long Beach. That's like when Jessica, like, gifted me Crocs like in February one year and like come my birthday. She was like, remember those Crocs? Happy birthday. That's what you're doing. The Koreans, man. You guys do that. We're shifting. and we're durable. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:31 Did you give her anything for the birthday? Yeah, I get our bed for it. Hi. Hi, come sit down. Sit down. Please, sit down. You guys want cheese?
Starting point is 00:04:45 No. Okay. Do you want some? What kind? Oh, I don't know. It's really good. It was what was in Whitney's house. Oh, yeah, it would be good cheese.
Starting point is 00:04:55 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Whitney only gets the best cheese. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Sorry. It's okay. Have you not eaten all day? No, I've been eating.
Starting point is 00:05:03 Okay. Cheese. Okay. All right. You don't eat bread or? No, I, yeah, no, I eat a little bit of everything. Do you use the cans or no? You like headphones?
Starting point is 00:05:15 She was looking for an actual can. Is that better for you or no? You don't have to. You don't have to. It feels kind of weird. Okay, well, then put them down. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:28 Yeah. Are you mad at me? Oh, why? Why would I be mad? I don't know. You guys already started. I didn't mean to. No, no. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're in Austin time. Oh, no, it's just, there's traffic. I didn't expect. I'm not used to L.A. traffic. Okay. And you're staying at, you could be going to say where you're staying?
Starting point is 00:05:44 Oh, yeah. I'm staying at Whitney. Oh, nice. Which is a nice. It's, there's two gates to get there. Oh, yeah. There's a bunch of codes. Yeah, a bunch of codes. Yeah. And I remember all of them now. I finally got it. And it's, you're out in the wild on wilderness. There's nothing behind you. No.
Starting point is 00:05:58 Just mountains. I feel like I'm in rehab. Yeah. It has a rehab vibe. It does have a rehab vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very peaceful. And gigantic dogs?
Starting point is 00:06:06 How many gigantic dogs are there? Three dogs. Yeah. Two boys and one girls. Are they not allowed to interact with each other. Well, the boys just keep pooping everywhere. Yeah. I keep having to clean up dog poop.
Starting point is 00:06:16 And I don't, I think they're doing it on purpose. I don't think they do that usually. What do you mean? But they can tell. They can tell that I'm not going to, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like, I thought there other people living there. No, I'm just me.
Starting point is 00:06:29 And, I mean, her assistant is there sometimes, but not while I've been there. Oh, so that's the condition for you to stay there, clean up the poo. No, I just actually, the dogs, no, the dogs are really well behaved. They shouldn't be doing that. I've met them. I love them. Yeah, they're really nice. I think I'm just timing it a little bit off when I let them out.
Starting point is 00:06:51 I don't know if they're going to poop or if they're like in cahoots. They're like, let's just wait until this, because what is she going to do? Right, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're fucking Italian. Yeah. You can you do Italian accent? Can you do one? I can do a better Asian one.
Starting point is 00:07:12 Then fucking do it. You're not going to do it. Can I? Yeah, yeah. I'm allowing you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're giving you permission. Yeah, give me one.
Starting point is 00:07:23 Oh, I'm sorry this one. We do say that a lot. You're Korean. Oh, I just come. I just come. Ew. Well, Koreans are an easy one to do, because all you got to do is add uru at the end of everything.
Starting point is 00:07:37 What do you mean uru? Like, oh, douguru. That's true. No, like you just said uru. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, hamburger. Hamburgeru. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:48 Do you have a lot of Korean friends? No, I just, I dated an Asian guy. You told me. Yeah, and he told me all the different Asian accents, how you can, like, distinguished him. He was Chinese, so he was half, though. Half Chinese. Yeah, so don't, he's not. But his mom
Starting point is 00:08:04 was Chinese, so I feel like the mom deterrence. I don't know. I don't, you know. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's what that's classic Asian is mom is Chinese. Dad is white. Yeah. Yeah. Usually the dad is white. Yeah, that's very, your dad white. Yeah, yeah. Mom, real brown. Real brown.
Starting point is 00:08:20 Real brown. It doesn't get browner than that. It doesn't. No. Yeah. Yeah. My family, my Filipino is brown. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen the whole family dark right dark dark yeah yeah yeah and not in a racial way you know no we love it you I love it yeah yeah at nights hard to see yeah Christina Mariani Christina Mariani welcome to the show thank you yeah nervous no okay I know you you're a little nervous. Yeah, but but someone told me
Starting point is 00:08:59 to reframe it, to not say that anymore to be like, no, I'm excited. Did Whitney say that? Yes. That was who said it. It was Whitney. Because Whitney has, she does that. She'll tell you how to behave. No, she's done it to me, I swear to God. I know. You need to be told.
Starting point is 00:09:15 You need to be told. I sure need to be told, but she's the teller. But it kind of makes sense, though. You just reframe it. It's from the same emotion, kind of. nervous and excited one's just positive oh i see so you're excited i'm excited yeah yeah uh you never went to the improv do you go to the improv um Halloween party um I I was waiting for my friends to get into town because this is what you fucking said to me I I knew you didn't text me back today I was like he's
Starting point is 00:09:44 mad about that this is what you fucking said to me all right you go I'm going to go to the improv party yeah I don't want to go and like come you're like come on go right I go for an hour no you're not there I did you went I was there for an hour. Well, this is what I mean. I didn't, you said. I know you, and I was like, fuck that. No.
Starting point is 00:10:00 You said, you said, remind me when you go. And I didn't go until like 11 or 12. So I was waiting to, but then I was like, oh, last time it was that late, you were like, now I'm going to go home. Yeah, I'm old. Yeah, so that's why I was like, oh, I won't even text him because it's too late now. But I didn't know you actually went early. I thought you were waiting for me to text. I went through a 10.
Starting point is 00:10:20 Is that not for a Halloween party? Well, I was waiting for my friends to get in from bakery. Field so we could all go together and it took them forever to get there. Okay. Was it a costume of one? Yeah, I was the only one not dress. Why don't you have to dress up? Well, it's great because I wore my Dodgers hat, so I just said I was a little show hey.
Starting point is 00:10:38 Oh, little show hey. And they're like, oh, and then I will go like this, see? But I feel like the last time you dressed up, you were Yoko Ono. Yep. No. Yep, you were Yoko. A long time ago. Oh, was Yoko with you when I was dating you?
Starting point is 00:10:53 I was John Lennon and you were Yoko. Yeah, yeah, that was a good one. That was a good one. I thought you looked really good. I'm very yokeo-ish, as they say. You know, some of the Beatles. I know one beetle. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:05 Kind of. Yeah, kind. Kind of. Do you guys know each other? Yeah. How well? Pretty well. Tell us more, how I may.
Starting point is 00:11:18 Yeah. We're from Texas. Boom. Nice. We go for the Rangers. Boom. I don't know. You guys ever hang out?
Starting point is 00:11:26 No. Why? She's know her well. She's too busy, right? Yeah, you are a busy bee. Yeah, I'm okay, yeah. Really? That means kind of busy.
Starting point is 00:11:35 No, you're very busy. Okay. You're all over the place. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I'm sure you're busy, too. We are all right. Kind of busy.
Starting point is 00:11:45 Just like, do what it is? I don't know. Everybody has stuff going on. But how long you've been doing it? Comedy? No, living. I don't know. You've got comedy, man.
Starting point is 00:11:56 Four years. Four and a half years. Four and a half years. It's a quick rise, no? Yeah. I mean, that's what everybody says, but to me, it's the longest I've done it, you know? Yeah, that is true. That is true. But for four and a half years to be where you're at, now you're headlining.
Starting point is 00:12:15 Yeah. How is that? Oh, it's great. It's really stressful because I'm figuring it out still. So when I first started in March headlining, I only had like 30 minutes. but then now I'm up to like 50 minutes so it's like really having to like build yeah yeah yeah and it's stressful because every show I'm like oh I want to have like a really good headlining set for but it's all like a work in progress still sometimes you get off stage and you go I don't like that one yeah sometimes I'm like man I hope they feel like I hope you know but I feel like after every show I'm like
Starting point is 00:12:44 I could have done better than that right you know well that's I think that's normal our condition yeah yeah I remember you said that you your dad your family's friend came out to see you Oh, yeah, oh my gosh And you thought you didn't do good Well, it's because whenever there's people That my parents know Or like, even that I know For some reason, I get like more in my head about it
Starting point is 00:13:05 Because I know like my, you know, my dad wanted me to be a lawyer And so now I have that in my head They're thinking like, oh, Larry's daughter Was supposed to be a lawyer And that's what I'm thinking they're thinking the whole time You know, I'm like talking about like whatever I talk about Yeah I just get a little bit like, ah, man.
Starting point is 00:13:25 I hope my dad doesn't hear that I said that. But I'm sure he's proud, no? I think he's now this year. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The first three years, I was shunned. But that's everyone. You think that I, when I told my parents, they went, congratulations! No, it's more like, what are you doing?
Starting point is 00:13:43 Yeah. You know, I mean, it's nothing. You're going to be poor, nothing. Yeah. But you're proving them wrong, no? Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm headlining now. And I'm doing, yeah, they're not mad at me anymore, so that's good.
Starting point is 00:13:57 Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah. Like my dad, he wanted me to be like a landscaper. Is that what he does? No. What does he do? He works at McDonald's. What?
Starting point is 00:14:07 He works at McDonald's. He's a manager. Oh, he's a manager at McDonald's. A store manager. Yeah. Yeah, I know what they are. No, there's a difference. Oh, what's the difference?
Starting point is 00:14:16 The manager is like a shift manager, but he's a store manager. It's big time. It's big time. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he can call. Sorry. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:24 He doesn't own it, though. He doesn't own it, but he's a store manager. Yeah. And that means what? He manages the store. Oh, wow. Thank you so much. So, if you're in Dallas, Texas, you need some chicken nuggets.
Starting point is 00:14:37 Yeah, yeah. Do you go in there for free meals? Oh, yeah. You do? Does he have, like, a quota he's allowed to give out? Like, food, like, he could just give you food anytime. He can give me food any time. That's cool.
Starting point is 00:14:51 So, that's what to take everything. he want you to be a landscaper because of my sister's husbands and they do well yeah yeah they're good landscapers yeah let me see can I get that over again just take it back everyone they're good landscapers yeah how do you be good at that
Starting point is 00:15:07 you trim faster like comedy you just take time it takes time yeah you still not too late for you you can be a landscaper should I be a landscaper you seem like you would be good at it what does your dad do he uh works with cars
Starting point is 00:15:25 well now he used to own an auto body shop but now he teaches at a community college auto body shop yeah I mean yes I think it's cool look I'm in your dad's class tell me what your dad would say if you have some wires the hood's open
Starting point is 00:15:42 he would be like I think you should learn how to drive first my dad's kind of racist Okay, so that makes I see, I see I see Yeah, I know how to drive man Yeah
Starting point is 00:15:57 Me too Yeah, who's better at driving Asians or females? Oh my God Everybody I love it What is that? Can I get around my cheese?
Starting point is 00:16:10 Yes, please That's why I brought it I had one question Okay It's okay Bobby had one too Yeah, it's right. Go ahead, Iman. No, no, no. Go ahead, I'm going to go first.
Starting point is 00:16:24 Well, I know an answer, so I think it lets us move on. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Well, I just want to know, like, water that Starbucks. Oh, yeah, it's the best. I like to get the Trenta water cup because it's... It must drive them crazy. Well, you know what? It used to be free, and I think because I went in so often, they started charging for, they're like, you need to make a purchase. Why don't you just get a bottle of water?
Starting point is 00:16:47 No, I like the Starbucks water. they filter it like three or four times so it tastes way better yeah it's a thing you guys try it so you wait in line and you go can I get a venty water well most of the time I'll get a coffee too did you get a coffee today no today was just oh you would drive me crazy I swear if I worked at that Starbucks like I would say no I don't care get out of here no but you know now I have to buy something so I'll get like a cake pop the cake pops are pretty good yeah you guys I know what a Okay, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:17:20 Yeah. Do you guys want some of this? What is it? It's banana pudding from magnolia and also some cupcakes. Banana pudding from magnolia. Have you ever had it before? It's like their star.
Starting point is 00:17:30 Ah, I'm gonna puppo, though. I don't want to poo right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although I've been very constipated as of late. Starbucks triple filters its water using a process that can include as a reverse osmosis system
Starting point is 00:17:43 or a three-stage carbon and sediment system depending on local water quality. Wow. Yeah, I told you. I remember trying the water and being like, why does it taste so good? And then I looked it up and I saw that and I'm like, that makes sense. So you're saying that fucking Starbucks water is better than
Starting point is 00:18:00 Mountain Valley? Mountain Valley. Spring water. I just Are they sponsoring us? No. Starbucks all day, baby. Yeah. I wish they made a plastic cup that was a Trenta cup so that way I could have one that I just refill. Instead of getting a plastic, I
Starting point is 00:18:16 I feel like I'm not helping the environment. You know what I mean? But they don't have a big cup at them. They don't have like a plastic one. Like a, the Trenta. Draft King's Casino. Draft King's Casino. Got big game show dreams?
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Starting point is 00:19:52 Helix sleep. Ha-ha. Helix sleep. Ha-ha. Helix sleep. Oh my God. Do you like sleeping, Oliver? I love to sleep.
Starting point is 00:20:02 Well, you know, I have three bedrooms in my house, and they're all Helix sleep mattresses. No way. Yeah. You know why? Why? Because I only let people sleep on the best mattresses on planet Earth.
Starting point is 00:20:13 Really? Yeah. Why do I want to partner with Helix Sleep? You tell me, Bobby. I'm going to tell you right now, right? Why? Because I like my back feeling good. Really?
Starting point is 00:20:23 Yeah. And I also like Deep Sleeps. Me too. Do you? Yeah. All you have to do is go to Helix Sleep.com and take a quiz, and they'll find the perfect matches for you. Yeah?
Starting point is 00:20:34 Sounds crazy. I also upgrade them, too. Really? Yeah, I do. That's epic. I'll tell you what also is epic. about it, right? It helps with the snoring. Really? Yeah. You seem like you snore like a nature. I do. Yeah. Well, stop it and get a
Starting point is 00:20:50 Helix sleep.com slash belly for 20% offsite wide. That's helixleep.com slash belly for 20% offsite wide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkouts so they know we sent you. Helixleaf.com slash belly. The Trenta. Do you get your eyebrows done? I mean, I waxed him. Yeah. You have great eyebrows. Oh, thank you. So do you. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:21:17 Look at you and she at least puts it over there. She looked at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Switched it right away to clock. I mean, Hyme and our men, we don't trim our, right? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you ever trim your eyebrows?
Starting point is 00:21:30 He just trims grass. And Bush. No. I'm very anti-dudes that trim their brows. Like, just, even if it's like a unibrow, like, just leave it. Yeah. I don't care for dudes that. Same.
Starting point is 00:21:43 Or guys that wear ripped jeans It's kind of the same thing You know Yeah, that's a rough one What do you mean rip jeans? Like distressed This like purposefully distressed jeans Yeah me
Starting point is 00:21:52 I know but they've been They distressed over the years naturally Oh I see You didn't I'm distressed The ones that The ones I'm wearing recently Are from APC
Starting point is 00:22:04 And they're used Okay that's naturally distressed By some other Japanese dude Who wore it for how long Two years that you know that for a fact Yeah that's what they tell me Because it's like the converse that he buys
Starting point is 00:22:17 It's worn by like some young dude for five years And then he buys him for like triple the price Damn Well I used to drag them remember With coffee beans and remember? Remember I would drive from Phoenix to L.A. And I put them in the back of my car And I drove brand new converses on the freeway
Starting point is 00:22:33 That's how he breaks them in That's how I break him in What do you mean? From all the like Breaking? No, you're just skinning it, you know what I mean? He tied it to the back of a car.
Starting point is 00:22:45 Oh, I was thinking because of your poor driving. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no one, no one wanted to give it back, you're like, where's like, I don't know where I lost it. No, no, I remember, a shoe. A shoe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And if, does they do that. It flew off into the audience and no one wanted to give it back here, like, where's my shoe and someone wanted to keep it. Or one time, Andrew, we were on stage.
Starting point is 00:23:12 and somebody wanted my shirt and Andrew tore it off my body and gave it to them. What shirt was it? It was a cool, like... Made worn? I don't know. It was a vintage, really cool
Starting point is 00:23:23 and it made me so angry. And I never saw it again. It makes me so mad. And do you remember? Oh, yeah. ACDC. Very, yeah. Oh, ACDC.
Starting point is 00:23:35 That's a wonder. Yeah, but I'm never going to do that again because it's like, you know. vintage shirts are one in a million all right do you wear vintage no you're brand new yeah yeah yeah brand new stuff wait you like you don't like guys with rib jeans
Starting point is 00:23:54 no I'm just saying that it's kind of like the eyebrows thing they just I guess to me it's like you didn't earn those rips like right if they earned them you know like if they did something like manly did you earn those rips no but I'm a girl so it's okay oh i see i see i'm a standard i don't know like yeah now i'll tell you some things i do grooming wise see if you think it's icky okay i shave all my pubs yeah why why yeah why why do you why do you i'm a swimmer oh cuts down on time i was a swimmer and i've never
Starting point is 00:24:31 shaved my pubs really i've shaved my whole body except my pew i swim naked all right okay yeah yeah oh so you think that's an ick shaved Yeah, because once it gets to the stubble phase, it's just too much, like, friction. And also, it just looks like a pussy. Hmm. Interesting. It looks a little too, like, not, yeah. So you think my penis is a clit?
Starting point is 00:24:57 No, it just looks a little too, like, clean and femme. But I used to, when we were dating, I used to shave them all the time. No, you didn't. I didn't? Not one time. No, it was a disaster down there. Oh. I've seen your bush.
Starting point is 00:25:10 You've seen his bush, right? Yeah, yeah. I think then the shave, if a full shave is a new thing you do. I think it's a new thing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just feel cleaner. I don't do, shoot my leg.
Starting point is 00:25:19 I don't have a, I don't have a, I don't have a hair on my legs. No, you don't. Yeah. But I, um, so that, that's an egg for you guys. So let me see what else I do. Wouldn't shaving it make it look bigger? That's what they say. That's about it, bro.
Starting point is 00:25:32 Right? God, we're on the same page, aren't we? It looks bigger. You saw it? No. I mean, you, I mean, you, don't, like, don't lie. No, like, I've seen it on stage, but like, what about, I don't pull it on stage. Oh, okay, it was just a dream then.
Starting point is 00:25:50 You trumped my dick? No. But, like, I do shave my stuff, too. You do? Yeah. So is trim or fully shaved? Because he takes, like, a razor, a straight razor to it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:26:00 Yeah, to a skin. Yeah. We're so much alike you and I. Wow. Yeah. And it just, and you guys don't get, like, ingrones or any of that? Or they probably wouldn't notice. or know what it was.
Starting point is 00:26:10 I don't know what you're going is, yeah. It seems like it would be difficult to shave your balls since they're so like I know. That's the tough part. Rinkly?
Starting point is 00:26:17 That's the tough part. You have to just stretch it? I stretch it out. You don't ever nick them? Here's the only problem with shaving it. It's tough. Is I'm at the spa doing it.
Starting point is 00:26:27 That's crazy. And there's all these cram- That's fucking crazy. There's all these crimmen watching me and I'm like stretching out my sack and they're like, what is he doing? You know what?
Starting point is 00:26:37 What? Why do you do it at the? The spa. That's the only place I do it because they have free razors. They have the raise free razors. And also shaving cream. And in the Korean spas I go to, it's sit down, wash. Oh, the chairs.
Starting point is 00:26:50 Yeah. So I sit there. And I always look around to see how many Koreans are watching. Oh, there's only three. So you wait? Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I do that whole thing.
Starting point is 00:27:01 You know what I mean? Yeah. And then what I do lately as well is I bring my own body wash. and this is what I do I put the body wash on my body but I don't wash it in the shower I just I'm I lather it in the steam room
Starting point is 00:27:18 Oh I don't know if that's good I think it's a theory that I have Wait what's the theory though The theory is The silk gets in there It gets into the pool is better I don't know if that's what you want Is it fragrance free or?
Starting point is 00:27:33 And then when I walk out of I look like a marshmallow man And Karina's like What the fuck you know what I mean he's sweating cum dude yeah yeah you're like a legend there I'm a legend there yeah so I like just drench my body and body
Starting point is 00:27:47 I'll just walk in there and just steam it like that it just looks like everybody else in the steam room came on you yeah yeah yeah that's what it looks like yeah I don't know if that theory works but I try different experiments well that's not a nick that's not a nick no that's like very yeah quirky yeah what about
Starting point is 00:28:06 um if you were a girl in a rom-com movie, that would be your little quirky thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I shave my arms, hair. Why? Whoa, interesting. Because they're thick. Did you just go into yourself?
Starting point is 00:28:20 No, I was just... I like it when you go, because I've hung out with you before. And you go into yourself. No, no, I just... I want to know what... What happens? So, we went to Jaime, just like here's what it happens, okay? Can you be her?
Starting point is 00:28:32 I'll be... All right, so... Jaime, do you do anything else weird? Well, wait, do you do it again? Okay, Jaime, do you do anything else weird? Shaped on here. No, I don't do it like that. You did do that for a second.
Starting point is 00:28:44 I didn't know that it was that obvious. You went to other planets. You go to a different planet. My mom always says I go into my own little world sometimes and it's super obvious. But you're thinking. Yeah. What were you thinking about?
Starting point is 00:28:55 I want to know that process of thinking. Nothing. No, no. I think you're trying to think of what to say now. No, no, no. I was just thinking about how unfortunate it is that guys can't shave because it's so nice to be shaved.
Starting point is 00:29:10 And you guys... But we can, and we're doing it. Well, you can, but it just seems... It's frowned upon. It's, yeah, you know. Not frowned upon, but, like, kind of like what we were talking about with the... With, like, the ripped jeans or the...
Starting point is 00:29:24 Oh. Like, it's like, if I see a guy with shaved arms... Or even shaved chest. The eyebrows. It's just, oh, like, that gay man really... But I get my... I know, but I don't... Okay, I get my nails done.
Starting point is 00:29:40 Quarky. Oh, well, now it's good. Is it ick? No, I think it's in. Now straight guys do it. Yeah. Oh, now straight guys do it. I think it's a thing now, right?
Starting point is 00:29:48 Yeah, yeah. I'm the only guy in the... I go to this place called blush. Yeah. It's the only place I go to now. And it's, they have a variety of different kinds of attendance there. What are you doing? He's looking at his hairy arm, a hairy patch.
Starting point is 00:30:04 Oh, hi, hi, ma'am. Hi, Mae. What do you do you? Am I gay? Whoa, dude. Bro, why are you screaming? Yeah, why he's screaming that? And I didn't even want to say that.
Starting point is 00:30:14 Whoa, dude. Show us your arms. Do you cut off shaving right here? No, so I don't grow any hairs on my... Let me... Let me up here. Hold on. I don't grow hair here.
Starting point is 00:30:24 Your tone right now, dude, I don't like it. Hold on. You know what it was? Wait. What? It was S.F. Because he killed. Yeah, you did great in San Francisco. Now, pull up your shirt, please.
Starting point is 00:30:35 Oh, you know what that looks like? You know his upper arm, that looks like? Who's? Harvey Milk. Dude who that is, yeah. Oh, but he's showing you the arm.
Starting point is 00:30:45 That's Harvey Milk upper arm. Does that have hair? Because the other one has hair. So dumb. I know who that is. Who's Harvey Milk? Some guy from San Francisco. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:30:55 Good. Very good. And it's a movie with Sean Penn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Called Milk. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:31:01 No, it's because I want to grow hair here. Yeah. So it gets hairy, so I shave it. No, I don't think it's gay. I didn't mean. That I just, I don't know. I didn't want you to feel self-conscious about it or anything. I'm not gay.
Starting point is 00:31:15 Yeah. It's okay to be. Mostly the eyebrows when a guy has really nicely done eyebrows. Yeah, I think that looks. Okay, what about, is this an egg, yellow teeth? Mm-hmm. I would almost rather toothless than, like, really rotten teeth. I'd rather you roll around with no teeth.
Starting point is 00:31:35 Because that's clean. Because the yellow teeth. the color itself doesn't bother me I'm just worried about like hygiene like what does it smell like but you know sometimes people have teeth that have the yellow sprinkles on it yeah that's fine yeah yeah
Starting point is 00:31:49 you like yellow sprinkles or no I mean I think to me it depends like if it's just like a natural tone you know like clearly you washed your teeth and stuff or if it's just you're really letting yourself go I'll tell you what the ick is really really bright white teeth why like veneers
Starting point is 00:32:06 veneers are guys are guys are guys are guys are guys are guys are guys are guys are guys are guys are who just like constantly get them whitened and they're so bright like to me that's like the eyebrows I'd rather have yellow teeth than that well so it goes it goes um no teeth yeah yellow teeth then took white teeth yes white teeth is third that's my rank that's insane that's my ranking that's your ranking yeah okay for a woman white teeth is number one george isn't saying nah yeah what about he's saying no teeth well your your wife is Asian veneer's a crazy that's crazy yeah but that looks so nice you it looks like i think those ones look kind of nice thank you some of them some of them don't look good though i agree with the veneers some of them look
Starting point is 00:32:48 like uh i don't want to say any do you know the jersey shore guy yeah oh he his veneers those ones look kind of crazy ronnie i think yeah so if i got veneers you'd make fun of me yeah i would because you have great teeth well the ones that remain yeah but like there's another one See, those ones just kind of look like, you know, Dennis the Menace? Yeah, the chickhats. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but he still looks good.
Starting point is 00:33:15 I'm not trying to make fun. It's kind of abnormally white almost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like funky teeth. You do? It's cute. It's a character. Me too, I like crooked teeth.
Starting point is 00:33:24 Yeah. I think crooked teeth are nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like your teeth. Oh, thanks. Oh, wow, thank you guys. They're kind of like a bunny rabbit. Oh, thanks.
Starting point is 00:33:32 I know. They're kind of a lot. Well, the two front ones are longer. Yeah, they're intense. No, it's just kind of what happened. That's genetics. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:42 Well, I had braces too, but... Yeah. Thanks, I'm never going to unsee that. Do you smile? Nope. Yeah, please smile. No. Why?
Starting point is 00:33:51 I'm self-conscious. About your teeth? We just said crooked teeth is like number one. Yeah, exactly. No, I'm shy. He called me a bunny rabbit. Yeah, yeah. I've never even looked at your teeth before.
Starting point is 00:34:01 Because I'm embarrassed how crooked teeth. Oh, you did? It was because I have a crooked jawline, too, so I got to get that fixed. That's so cute, I'm sorry, man. Did you get points in the face? What happened? Bad for the... It's causing damage.
Starting point is 00:34:11 What? He's broken his jaw. He's only told you like 50 times. So many times. You have? Yeah, I need to fix it because it's causing my eating habits. Oh my God. You snore like a fucking grizzly bear, don't you?
Starting point is 00:34:26 No. Yes. Yeah, I moan. I know. You moan? Yeah, I moan when I sleep. Like, how does the moan sound? It goes like...
Starting point is 00:34:34 He does too. Not any more. No? You went for you go I don't do that anymore You know because I lost weight Yeah I don't snore anymore
Starting point is 00:34:44 What? Yeah Are you sleeping well now? Much better Whoa Yeah yeah yeah Yeah Losing the weight
Starting point is 00:34:51 helped that You know what I used to Remember I used to talk Yeah Yeah I used to do this too Yeah Were you hungry?
Starting point is 00:35:01 Well I'm eating a chocolate banana in the dreams I love chocolate bananas I think I lose I got to lose weight then. No. Why are you crazy?
Starting point is 00:35:15 You ever see a bad angle like a picture of you? Like, oh my God, that's how I look like? Yeah. I always look like that. Yeah. So every angle's bad. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:35:28 Yeah, yeah. They had to look from above. Above? It was still kind of look bad, I think. No. No, I think you're cute, though. Don't you think? Come on, ladies.
Starting point is 00:35:38 Yeah. I don't want to look cute. Oh, he wants to be sexy and handsome. Yeah. No, just handsome. Can I say something? What? I think you and I are similar in that way.
Starting point is 00:35:52 I think we are what we are. And then? I think once you're in the cute. What else? I think once you're in the cute zone, you're in the cute zone. No matter what I do, even when I lost the way, people are like, oh, he's still cute. like it didn't kind of like man me up like oh my god that guy's like
Starting point is 00:36:10 a rough and ready insurrectionist you know what I mean a beta you know I think you and are in the beta category because at the end of the day we still gotta love ourselves so that's all the matter
Starting point is 00:36:23 Brené Brown over here yeah dude exactly and then these two women are attractive ladies what's going on she did a thing again yeah you did a thing again
Starting point is 00:36:35 no nothing you went no I was you pulled a revenant I don't like yeah don't do the revenant yeah I don't do the revenant yeah I don't know I just I don't know how
Starting point is 00:36:45 I get weird when I get compliments yeah yeah you you're very funny in that way I mean I feel like you you're uberly sensitive I think do you
Starting point is 00:37:02 yeah I think I'm pretty sensitive yeah And we've had meals together And we've talked about our sensitivities Yeah But do you think you're getting more confident then? You're excited Yeah, I'm excited
Starting point is 00:37:13 Yeah, yeah That's good Yeah Do you think sometimes to yourself Like, I'm ugly? Yeah, all the time That's, I feel like, yeah I think I don't
Starting point is 00:37:26 Excuse me? I think Asians are worse drivers did it women you think so I don't think so you was thinking about it the whole time Is that what you're saying You wanted to get that out? No that's not what I was thinking
Starting point is 00:37:41 You think women are like really bad drivers? No I mean I'm a bad driver I'm a grandma driver It's every time I have a problem With somebody in front of me Right And I do a turn
Starting point is 00:37:54 Change Lanes And I have to see what they look like It's usually a white girl it's usually me it's usually because I'm too careful and I'm like a law abider and I don't I run through red light you speed you do all that and I'm in like the fast lane doing like max 75 and you're like no 80 or more 100 yeah yeah sometimes 100 yeah I think because women overthink I mean Asians probably also think a lot so maybe that's what it is you think Asians and women are very similar yes we overthink things you think overthink
Starting point is 00:38:26 things yes yeah you think there's somebody out there that drives with two feet. Wait, I think that's a legit thing. You drive with two feet? Well, I mean, they're there. Wait, wait, wait. You don't drive with two feet.
Starting point is 00:38:40 Oh, you mean like the cars with the two pedals? Some cars, the manual ones, you use both feet, right? Oh, yeah. If it's thick shift. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:50 But you, I use both feet when I'm driving. An automatic? Yeah. My left foot is the brake. My right foot is the brake. Oh, that's not true. No, I'm not.
Starting point is 00:39:00 Bobby, you're still delicious. I got your back on this. New York cab drivers do it so you have quicker reaction time. That's what I do. I've learned to do that. Watch my feet. It's dangerous. No, it's not.
Starting point is 00:39:10 Yes, it is. Left foot, right foot. I thought you meant this. No, I've done that before too. That's what I thought too. Yeah. And I have arms. Yeah, you don't, wait, wait, I don't, I've never even thought about someone using one foot for both pedals.
Starting point is 00:39:26 I think that's what you, that's how they teach you. It's just one. really yeah I use I use one foot I was lying George yeah you're weird you're autistic
Starting point is 00:39:40 you're autistic yeah yeah yeah but yeah I use a one foot yeah yeah because two feet is dangerous because the average American
Starting point is 00:39:50 they use one feet over I've met people who drive two feet and I it's a home girl so it's mostly I'm not saying it's mostly
Starting point is 00:39:59 women but I have to say in San Francisco So what I did was He popped in Wednesday night To my shows in San Francisco And he goes You're so direct Which I love
Starting point is 00:40:14 Can I go up? Put me up? I say, put me up Let's say, can I get a spot? Can I get a spot? Whatever it is. Right? Yeah, you're like
Starting point is 00:40:22 So I go, you know what? I'm going to challenge Louis. And not Louis. Hi, me. Because Louis Katz was featuring So I put you up after Louis. And Louis is a very good stand-up.
Starting point is 00:40:33 Louis Katz. And you did well. True? Yeah. Both show. Did you not see? You were there. The orange stuff was great.
Starting point is 00:40:43 I told Jaime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? You were there, Alex? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was impressed. You know? I did pretty good too, but, you know,
Starting point is 00:40:52 I mean, it didn't scare me. But I was like, I was back there looking at you going, there's a lane for you. it's very simple your stand-up I mean it is but it's funny it's funny when I'm watching I'm going
Starting point is 00:41:07 oh that's interesting he went the simplest path and it works and it works it's like so like Are you talking about the orange junk? Just all of it It's just so like
Starting point is 00:41:19 weirdly simple but very effective and I think instinctually that's what you're doing you're not accidentally doing it because you're doing it every show you're directing the audience into this like path of like oh that
Starting point is 00:41:34 was interesting least simple but good I mean you crushed you know yeah San Francisco's a tough city it is a tough city I think it's changed over the years
Starting point is 00:41:47 and that Greek restaurant we went to Colala's recommendation you don't know what it is I'm the one who sent Gilbert Oh it's a different one No we went to Kokari I've never heard a car coming out of your mouth. I hate when he does this.
Starting point is 00:42:03 I am so sorry you have to witness this, but I will punch you right now. Every good place that you eat is because of me. And even when you take all your girlfriends out, you ask me where to take them. And I always send you to the best shit ever. Boom. And I never fail you because I want you to impress them. They're not girlfriends, people I've gone on single dates with. So I don't know what you're trying to prove right now, but that's not accurate.
Starting point is 00:42:27 That's not an inaccurate definition. Guess who sent me a text saying where should we eat? It was Gilbert and I sent you guys to that Greek spot. Was it not good? It's great. Yeah. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:42:37 Right? Yeah, it was like $20,000. Yeah. The Saginaaki? Really good. Oh my God. Although they don't light it in front of you anymore. Do they still have the lamb there is really good?
Starting point is 00:42:46 Oh, we had the lamb. Fuck, yeah, dude. You know what's great about going to a restaurant with these guys? Even if you order too much food, we have the garbage. We have a garbage can with us. Gilbert? No, Alex. Look at that garbage can
Starting point is 00:42:59 Right there Did you guys go to San Tongue? Not this stuff Yeah Yeah Yeah Blumber Yeah
Starting point is 00:43:04 Yeah Yeah You know Zoc Dock For your body And your mind You guys
Starting point is 00:43:17 Zoc Doc is real It's as real As it gets Man Years ago My shoulder hurt And I went to Zococ
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Starting point is 00:44:36 That's where it's good. It's really good, and I'll tell you why. Kachava, I'm telling you right now, is my favorite meal replacement. First of all, it's called Kachava, for people that don't know. I'm into flavors. You're a spicy guy.
Starting point is 00:44:51 I get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm sure you love flavors as well. I do. Well, when you drink kachava, all you have to do is take two scoops of the kachava, put in water, you stir it, and I'm telling you right now, dude, this one right here, the vanilla. You've never tasted vanilla like this. And it's made in the USA as well? It's, dude, it's made in the U.S.A, dude.
Starting point is 00:45:18 And it's got, you like energy? Do I have. It supports all the energy, and they have key vitamins and minerals. you look like you need some I was going to say you look like you need it more mineral minerals yeah yeah digestion keep things regular with fiber
Starting point is 00:45:34 probiotics you look like you need you look like you need probiotics and enzymes dude right and your metabolism is weak which makes this super important really good but you know what's weak about you? Cognition
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Starting point is 00:47:08 Punchline? Mm-hmm. I think so. I don't remember, to be honest. I only went one time. I only did one spot. And it was good. I had a fun time.
Starting point is 00:47:17 And then I did one joke that was a little too far. And then... You lost them. Yeah, but luckily it was right at the end. So then I was like, okay, bye. Do you remember what the joke was or you don't want to give it away? No, I don't, I don't remember what it was. But, man, I hate when that happens when they're like, they like you, they like you.
Starting point is 00:47:34 And then you think, oh, okay, they feel comfortable with me. I'm going to do a little bit more. And then they're like, nope, not that one. Yeah, you're an interesting person because it's like when you're setting it up, your punchlines are very jeselnock-like, which is like really carefully crafted bits. Like, you know what I mean? they're very clever thank you yeah in fact you know what's interesting about you is that you can sit in a pocket and do the setup and when some people do a long set a little longer setup
Starting point is 00:48:04 i feel worried but not with her i just know that the payoff is going to be there oh thanks so much yeah yeah yeah it's a lot it's very good and when you did kill tony for the first time what you how long have you been doing it oh three months yeah and what did that feel did you crushed? I'm sure you crushed. It went well. Yeah. But I was shaking the whole time because you know, I was only three months in, but I
Starting point is 00:48:29 really liked the minute that I had so I was like well, I think this is pretty funny. Yeah. And I did it, but I didn't expect it to go as well as it did. And then what happened after that? What happened after Kill Tony? Yeah. Did he invite you back? Oh, no. I just, you know, I was pretty much
Starting point is 00:48:45 stayed up all night just from adrenaline. No, what I'm saying is that after you did that first Kill, Did you do other Kill Tony's after that? Yeah, yeah, but I signed up every time. Like, it's not like I got asked to go back. I just signed up to be a bucket pole. Oh, so you've never been a regular on Kill Tonin? No, no, I've never been a regular.
Starting point is 00:49:01 But why does other, let's break down the Kill Tony. You know what I mean? How do you become a regular situation? So Cam was a regular, right? Uh-huh. Yeah. William was a regular, right? David.
Starting point is 00:49:16 Lucas? David Lucas. Hans Why not you? I'm not sure But I don't know I probably
Starting point is 00:49:27 My interviews aren't Very good So I don't know why that's funny They aren't Yeah yeah Yeah yeah So I think maybe they
Starting point is 00:49:39 They probably want someone Who like I like to go and do the joke And if I could just get off stage After that That would be great Amen yes You know, I would, oh, good.
Starting point is 00:49:48 Now, I wish I could go. But I think they probably want people that are, like, you know. I don't like to give away too much either. Like, I don't know, ever, I don't want to talk about too personal of stuff. What do you mean? Oh, no, I shouldn't have said that. Do tell. I mean, just tell me what you mean.
Starting point is 00:50:08 I'm not going to dive, but I'll just tell me what you mean. Oh, no, I just mean, like, I know. I don't want to talk about, like, my dating life or. We're not, did I ask you about your dating life? No, no, no. Did I fucking ask you? No, but I just... Yeah, I didn't ask you that.
Starting point is 00:50:20 No, I just mean, like, you know, like, Tony, like, asks, like, you know... Personal things. Yeah, and I get, like, I don't really want to talk about stuff like that. Your life. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess. But, um, yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:34 You know, Whitney has fake plants in her house and I watered them. I just, you know. Yeah. The fake plants now, like, look super real. They do. I didn't know. And then, you know how, like, you know how, like, like scarecrows, like crows, they get confused by scarecrows.
Starting point is 00:50:51 And you're always like, how did they think that's a real person? But I kind of, that just happened to me. Now I get it. No, I see. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:58 I like how you shifted there. Yeah, it was pretty good, right? Yeah, it was pretty good. But why, like, uncomfortable? No, no, no, no. When's your birthday? May 14. Oh.
Starting point is 00:51:07 What kind of gifts do you like? Do you like gifts or how do you like to be celebrated? I don't. I don't. I don't, I kind of like more celebrating my friend's birthdays. And then, like, for my birthday this year, I just, I drove to Arkansas. And I went and, and what's it called? Five hour energy.
Starting point is 00:51:31 Five hour energy. Five hour energy. Caffeine just got a flavor upgrade. Five hour energy shots bring you tasty caffeine in 17 flavors into a variety of bold flavors. such caffeine as much of 12 ounce premium cup of coffee. It's a zero sugar shot with zero sugar crash. Big flavor in a tiny
Starting point is 00:51:54 bottle. Five hour energy shots are portable and only two ounces. New flavor launch. Ooh. Zest up your caffeine game with the cranberry lime flavor. It brings a new tangy tart and tasty caffeine boost. Cranberry lime five hour energy shots are the
Starting point is 00:52:10 perfect way to tart your day offright. What do you guys like? I love the strawberry banana. I like sour apple. Thanks. Give your caffeine a flavor upgrade with five-hour energy shots. Get yours in store and online at www.5hourenergy.com or Amazon today. Make sure to stock up on new cranberry lime flavor at five-hourenergy.com or Amazon now.
Starting point is 00:52:36 Five-hour energy. Five-hour energy. Five-hour energy. the springs hot springs Arkansas and I just hiked all day and I went into the bath houses and I took mushrooms
Starting point is 00:52:54 that was my it was fun that's kind of like how I like to yeah well what Kalala's trying to bring up no I'm not trying to bring up anything what you're trying to bring up is bullshit and I want to say that let me say something okay that for your gift I had money for you
Starting point is 00:53:10 and you don't want money no yeah I it hurts my It's kind of cheap to give. What? You like that? Thank you. Okay, wait. She has a point to make. It's female shit. No, it's just, it's easy to give. And, you know, it's kind of be, you know, something that
Starting point is 00:53:23 I value and something that I, you know, that I gave you little hints over the years and I want you to absorb that information and then, you know, be mindful of, you know, cash, mafia. That's the best gift. Like, if I gave you socks, socks that you wanted, but then I get, or I gave you a couple of grand, what would
Starting point is 00:53:44 you like? Listen, socks? That's like a bad comparison. Sox are a couple of grand. Obviously the couple of grand. I'll take that. You know she loves like a certain book and you got like a limited edition signed by the author. Like that is special. Mm-hmm. Five hour energy.
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Starting point is 00:54:28 Big flavor in a tiny bottle. Five-hour energy shots are portable and only two ounces. New flavor launch. Ooh. Zest up your caffeine game with the cranberry lime flavor. It brings a new tangy tart and tasty caffeine. 15 boost. Cranberry lime 5-hour energy shots are the perfect way to tart your day off right.
Starting point is 00:54:47 What do you guys like? I love the strawberry banana. I like sour apple. Thanks. Give your caffeine a flavor upgrade with 5-hour energy shots. Get yours in store and online at www.5hourenergy.com or Amazon today. Make sure to stock up on new cranberry lime flavor at 5-hourenergy.com or Amazon now. Five hour
Starting point is 00:55:12 Energy Five hour Energy Five hour Energy It's like you know about me You pay attention It's like
Starting point is 00:55:22 We're friends We've known Yeah It's Then again If you gave me a few Grant I'd be like
Starting point is 00:55:26 Wow He pays attention He knows that like Yeah Yeah To me it's like You know I mean
Starting point is 00:55:33 Hey just spend it The way You want to spend it I mean Right Alex Yeah Thank you But maybe
Starting point is 00:55:39 There's no right or wrong because what if you get something for them and then they don't like it then you lost a receipt the gift receipt then you're fucked yep i have sisters i give them money whenever christmas times come and how did do they like it no they hate it yeah but i just give them like gift cards to sephora um michael's okay michael's yeah i love I like Michael's a lot. Victoria Secrets? I think a gift card is more thoughtful than money,
Starting point is 00:56:14 because at least you're paying attention to what I like still. But if it's like a standard gift card to like Target or Amazon or just a Vick card. Applebee's. It has to be like a specific gift card. It's impossible. It's impossible. Like Texas Roadhouse? Would you want a gift card from Texas Roadhouse?
Starting point is 00:56:30 Yeah, I like steak. Right? Yeah, steak's okay. The Rose Texas Roadhouse? But then why not just take me this Texas Roadhouse? Okay. You know? And it's like, oh, we get to spend time together.
Starting point is 00:56:40 If someone just Venmoed you money on your birthday, you would feel nothing. I would feel excited. I don't think so. Yeah, I'll go whippee! Versus the birthday that we threw you at the bowling? Yeah, you're right. Okay, good point. Tusha.
Starting point is 00:56:52 That was good. But when I gave Andrew, I gave Andrew money, Stan Bunny. That's so funny. And then we kind of agreed from now on we don't give each other anything for the birthday. How much did you give him? I don't want to say that online. But did he appreciate it? Or he was like, no, dude, don't do that.
Starting point is 00:57:10 He's impossible to shop for. Golf. I feel like dudes in general. He has all of it. Dudes are impossible to shop for. They're impossible. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:57:20 I feel like girls are very just like just a different kind of easy. Yeah, yeah. Because I called his wife and I was like, for weeks, I'm like, anything? And she just kind of called me and said, be honest with you, he has everything. Like, I can't think of anything. Yeah. Men's gifts are the worst. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:57:39 So, that's just cash for us. That makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. What? Like, I'm a simple man, right? Like you said, just give me a T-shirt. It would be cool.
Starting point is 00:57:48 When did I say you were a simple man? You said it. I said your act is a little simple. I like it, though. It's clever. Just give me a T-shirt. What kind of T-shirt? I need T-shirt.
Starting point is 00:57:57 Yeah, yeah. Not a crumb tongue. Going inside yourself? No, my God. Do I do I do that a lot? Yeah, yeah. No. I mean, now you're in L.A.
Starting point is 00:58:05 would you ever move here or no sorry you don't want to talk about that no no no yeah I like what's wrong no nothing yeah yeah yeah yeah there's something wrong
Starting point is 00:58:18 what is wrong nothing's wrong Asians is this oh a lot of minorities you're around is that what it is I think that could be it what's a lot of minorities
Starting point is 00:58:27 are right yeah I feel like I don't consider Asians minorities what do you consider us I don't know you guys take up the majority of the world. How are you minority? That's a good point.
Starting point is 00:58:40 Globally, yeah, we're not minority. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Have you been to Asia? No, I've always wanted to go. Yeah? Where do you want to go? Where do I want to go? Vietnam sounds cool. Why? Because they have
Starting point is 00:58:54 really cheap fa. The food in Vietnam is next level. Yeah. And everything I think is cheaper over there, too. So you could stay there for like a month and only spend like $500. Yeah. I want to go to Saigon for some reason. You know what you would love about Vietnam or anywhere in like Asia?
Starting point is 00:59:11 You can get things like custom made, like tailor made. Like you can just draft up. I want to get this done like a suit or whatever. And they just do it for you really, really, really exceptionally well. I bet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like high. Like a Wongar Wyme movie.
Starting point is 00:59:27 Yes. Yeah. And also there's a new clone brand that I've been kind of obsessed with. What is it? They have, it's from Vietnam. Okay. And they have smells that have never smelled before. Where do they sell it?
Starting point is 00:59:43 At all the major, like, cool scent shops, like the scent room or, you know what I mean? And the flavors are, the smells are, macho soft serve, milk cake, like foods. And it smells so good on my body. I really like it. You know what I mean? But they do. it's exceptional. The people in the sauna room
Starting point is 01:00:05 probably like it too. Yeah, yeah, they do. Oh, milk bread. Yeah. So let's throw out some like pallets here. What is they call it a palette or? You know what I love the smell of and it's very specific
Starting point is 01:00:17 and I don't know if anyone will get this, but it's the smell of the air that comes out of the vacuum cleaner. Salisbury steak. I love Salisbury steak. Delicious frozen ones. Mmm.
Starting point is 01:00:32 Arnold Schwarzenegger smoking a cigar Burt steak Yeah, burnt steak very good A dry sauna What about if you're not looking for a smell But just more like a vibe A feeling Yeah
Starting point is 01:00:45 I feel really warm When I see Do you know what jealousy windows look like They look like this Oh You seem a lot of like tropical like warmer I miss I have a feeling
Starting point is 01:00:58 Okay After a really good hunt You know what I mean? You were out with your tribe You stalked a buffalo Yeah You mean for like three days Okay
Starting point is 01:01:09 You finally got it You chop them up You're carrying pieces back To your tribe Or I don't know what you call it The igloo Not igloos The tents
Starting point is 01:01:20 Yeah it Tent City Huts Huts? Yeah yeah And all the villagers and stuff are like You know I mean Yeah
Starting point is 01:01:27 They're celebrating Right So I put all your guys ideas in the chat And I asked it to make a fragrance concept. Early morning after a long dry hunt, Duke still clings to the grass while gunpowdered leather and aged books mingle with the smell of pancakes from the cabin kitchen.
Starting point is 01:01:43 Fragrance family is woody leather, gourmand, has my... That's what they said? Yeah. Okay. So, Dewey morning air, 25% of the note. 45% wood's leather, dried grass. Base notes, old books, and weathered gear.
Starting point is 01:01:57 Here are the actual ingredients that you would mix. Wow. You guys can make, and then I give you the percentages of how much of each thing to put to achieve that feeling that's incredible we should make that i'll go make it there's a place in chinatown really china town yeah seriously did you say it like that china town china town hi man yeah yeah what's in china town some old chinese man are they elixers are made yeah yeah yeah didn't they try to make an elixir of life and then they created gunpowder instead is that how it was discovered no
Starting point is 01:02:32 Yeah, they were trying But now I guess they figured It's elixir of death they created What is the elixir of life like will be? Well, they wanted to find like a potion So they could live forever And instead they discovered gunpowder So it was kind of the opposite
Starting point is 01:02:45 Yeah And the Chinese didn't create guns with it They did with bamboo and stuff like that But it's the Europeans that took it And made it That the gun The weapon Which like you know
Starting point is 01:02:59 Like if China had created the gun first, the whole planet would be Chinese. They would have taken over. Yeah. Weapons is what creates, you know what I mean? Civilization and domination in that way. Did the Chinese create fireworks? Is that what they used it for? Yeah. Yeah. For Celebrities. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:03:20 Which is kind of nice. It's like, well, they're not ill-intentioned people. Yeah. Yeah. Have you guys seen this? Oh, these are the best. I love this. This is all, I live for this. The gay Filipino basketball players. So this is like a real part of our culture is that people come and watch, not necessarily for the competition itself, but for the reactions of that guy.
Starting point is 01:03:44 He's so good, though. Look how he's so good. Oh, my God, he's so good. Look at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, but if it were a competition on just like flare and like performance, like the Philippines is unbeatable. They're unbeatable in terms of that kind of expression.
Starting point is 01:03:59 The gay expression. That whimsical gay expression. They're the best at it. It's so funny. Look at them. Three-pointer. Steph Curry style. Look at him.
Starting point is 01:04:07 Steve Curry wouldn't do that. Steph Curry wouldn't do that. You got the guy too who does this with a, but he plays volleyball. Oh, really? Oh, incredible. They're so good. They're so freaking good. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:04:18 Do you play sports? Yeah, you're not good at any of them. What are you saying it like that? Like, you're about to make fun of me. I'm not making fun of me. I'm just saying that. Like, yeah, you're not good at me. I don't feel like you have good balance.
Starting point is 01:04:29 No, you're right. You're right You know I've walked around with you You don't have good balance I know I'm kind of Gangly Also it's very like
Starting point is 01:04:37 You know I mean like You're trying to Constantly balance yourself Yeah My center of gravity And your arms are like weights Or something You know what I mean
Starting point is 01:04:43 And you're trying to Yeah Yeah I feel like you have a good center of gravity I'm very Will you keep Stop looking at your arms It's this one
Starting point is 01:04:50 That's Harry How come down You don't look like You don't have Harvey milk arms I was just kidding Show us the left arm I should
Starting point is 01:04:54 This one is Harry Just show it Yeah Yeah I forgot to shave it That's why in high school did you think i want to get into comedy or no um no i've always liked making people laugh but um my parents were very like oh you're going to be a doctor or a lawyer or you know
Starting point is 01:05:11 very asian very Asian family did any of your siblings become a doctor or a lawyer they're in no my sister's in insurance and my brother he's in college still and my younger brother's still in high school oh wow wow you're the oldest yes i'm the oldest yeah and then um when you when you went to college? What did you graduate? What was a degree? I did English and political science. Oh, so you know about politics a little bit? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not really. Okay. But it's exciting. Yeah. I know the only thing that I can remember from the political science, well, not the only thing, but something interesting. I did German political science. And after World War II, they opened up their borders because they wanted to seem like, you know.
Starting point is 01:05:58 Yeah. not so not racist right so they then um and then what and I think
Starting point is 01:06:05 I just thought that was kind of funny because who would fall for it that's what I remember about them and people fell for it they went yeah
Starting point is 01:06:14 and then you went to Austin and then what made you do stand up then oh I I kind of was going through a breakup no no not a breakup
Starting point is 01:06:25 but usually when I do stuff it's because of no it's I graduated college and then I was like, man, I'm, I don't know what to do. Now I'm in this insurance job and this is my life every single day, like a nine to five. And I just was like, and so I started doing stuff that scared me to try to figure out like what I actually wanted to do. Do you remember the first time you went up?
Starting point is 01:06:47 Yeah, it was at this like really crappy open mic. There's like three people in the audience. And I went up and they were laughing still. So I was like, this is great. This feels good. I was terrified, but it was awesome. It was a great feeling. Yeah, and then you just cooked from the beginning.
Starting point is 01:07:04 And then I just kept doing it. And I've always liked writing. I would always, like, even during work, I would write funny stuff, or I would just, I've always loved to write. So it was like, you know, that's what I like doing. Yeah, it's interesting. It's that addiction. Yeah. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:07:20 It's very addicting. It is. And you guys have tried it. Gilbert's tried it. And you guys never got the addiction. Alex, you try it? He got the addition. Not enough laughs at open mics.
Starting point is 01:07:31 Yeah, yeah, not enough. No. Yeah. I like feeling stressed out, I realize. Yeah, me too. I love feeling stressed out. Like, if I'm feeling stressed out, I feel like I'm doing something. There's something to that.
Starting point is 01:07:43 Or I feel brave or something. What's the biggest room we've done? I was on the road with Theo and we did an arena and it had like 8,000 people in it or something like that. Yeah. So that was insane. But it kind of when it's that many people, it doesn't feel like anyone at all in a way because you don't see anybody
Starting point is 01:08:00 it's like dark you can't connect with it not a nicer guy to do it I mean he's so nice oh yeah he's great he's a great guy yeah and so that's a good guy to do it with
Starting point is 01:08:11 yeah no it was oh yeah that wasn't that but I Is that you? No I have actually a video on my Instagram of the arena I'm like panning so you can see it and then Theo trips over his stool
Starting point is 01:08:24 I accidentally caught it on tape Oh, cool. So it was 8,000. And then have you done any other big shows like that or no? I mean, no, not that big. 8,000 was the biggest one. Biggest one, yeah. It's, it's, I don't like it.
Starting point is 01:08:40 I like to connect with people more. It's definitely like one of those things where I was super stressed out. Yeah. So I liked it because of that, you know? No, because then the more stressed out you are before, the higher you feel after, I feel. Like, the scarier it is, the more. afterwards you're like
Starting point is 01:08:57 well there's a relief that happens I was like oh that wasn't too bad or I get okay you know I mean but sometimes it doesn't work to your benefit and that pain afterwards is so devastating that I can't even you know I've had that happen where it's like oh my God I just think I just bombed in front of 20,000 people
Starting point is 01:09:14 yeah luckily I haven't done that many so that I haven't bombed at any of them God but I'm sure if I did more Are these your dates? Yes Okay, what do we got going? What do you want to plug here? December, so we got December dates.
Starting point is 01:09:29 December. What do we have? Comedy store? Yes. Comedy Studio. What's that? What's comedy studio? Cambridge.
Starting point is 01:09:37 Cambridge, Massachusetts. You got helium comedy club in my hometown, Alfreda, Georgia. Yep. Helium. Headlining there. Comedy store. L.A.? L.A.
Starting point is 01:09:48 Comedy club at Duckworths, North Carolina. Oh, my God. A lot of dates. A lot of dates. Aina's. You're going to be in Dallas, Jaime. Have you played hyenas? In Dallas?
Starting point is 01:09:59 Yeah. Yeah, I loved it. That was the first show I did on this tour, actually, was in Dallas. Yeah. It was like one of the first headlining sets. Wow. Yeah. I threw up before that one.
Starting point is 01:10:11 Did you really? Yeah, I threw up in the bathroom. Isn't Meryl Streep that every time she performed, it was one of those, or that we used to vomit before, like, an acting job or something like that? Like, I don't know. But I know if I throw up, if I'm that level of anxious, I'll do okay. I don't want to jinx it now by saying that. But I feel like I know that it'll be okay.
Starting point is 01:10:35 But if I feel too calm before, that's when I'm not going to do well. Like if I feel too, like. It also helps that you know that most of the people are wanting you to succeed. Oh, I never thought of that. You know, but what I'm saying is like, when I'm performing, I'm like, I think 95% of the people, in the audience, even maybe all of it, are people that bought tickets to see me. Yeah. So that helps. In the beginning
Starting point is 01:11:01 when you're headlining, and people are just randomly going, you know, well, let's watch comedy this weekend. Who's playing at the club? You know what I mean? That's tough. Because it's like, oh my God, he just did a bit about, you know what I mean? Homeless jizz. Weird. For me, it's the opposite. I feel like when
Starting point is 01:11:17 it's for me, I feel like more pressured, like, oh my God, maybe they have expectations that I'm going to, you know, like, and I'm going to, like, fail them. But then if it's a on a random show that they're not there for me, I feel more like, ah, they're not even here for me, whatever. They don't have, they don't even expect anything for me, you know?
Starting point is 01:11:32 Yeah, but it's, most of it's this, I realize, is that, holy shit, that's, I came here to see him, and there he is, it's that. It's not like, also a lot of these people, they don't know what, what a good response is in the audience. You know what I mean? Like, to us, it's like, oh, I didn't crush,
Starting point is 01:11:53 but to them is like, oh, that was, was really good because it's like you know like those first shows remember i was like i how depressed was i you wanted to leave i wanted to leave that's how bad my san francisco first shows were i feel like when i feel like they're just so happy to see you guys in the flesh that's what it is yeah yeah change your mind yeah i never thought about it like that yeah maybe that'll help that's why it's a personal appearance they want to see you you know it's the guys that don't do it that like I just you know especially nowadays do you have fun yeah yeah yeah how do you feel I feel good yeah yeah yeah how do you feel pretty good you're flying back tonight or
Starting point is 01:12:34 tomorrow I'm staying here too Thursday why why not oh fuck I gotta go yeah yeah yeah you feel good yeah yeah I don't want you to miss your date with you know rock stars oh anyway wow let's give Christina round of applause Oh, thanks.

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