TigerBelly - David Cross & The Zamboni Lie

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

David Cross, comedian and actor, enters the chaos and immediately questions Bobby’s entire existence. We chat skipping funerals, classic Boston, comedy lies, bombing vs killing with silence, Banana hammock guy, Mitzi Shore lore, and weird sweaters.www.officialdavidcross.comSign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at www.shopify.com/tigerbelly Join the loyalty program for renters at www.joinbilt.com/BELLY For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit www.Hims.com/BELLYSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, hello, hello, hello. Hi, hi, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Bobby Lee, the finally tour is up for sale, 2006. You know, I shot a special for Hulu, and I'm going to go one strong tour before the special airs. I'll be in Detroit, Indianapolis,

Montclair, Atlantic City, Medford, San Antonio, Houston, Dallas, etc., etc. Go to Bobbylee. Live to get your tickets. I'll be there, too. Yeah, oh yeah, cat's opening and also Ramsey Badawi. No one cares, but anyway.

Can I come to some? You can come to some. They were like, make sure he feels great about the Do you do cans or do you not do cans? I do not. You don't, oh, you don't have to, you don't know. I don't want to. Unless you want to hear a song at the beginning.

I'm not going to do a song. I haven't done, I haven't been doing songs. He sings in a special. Do a song for him. Well, I mean, I mean, I didn't really write one. Oh, I need that. Oh, wait, okay, let's listen. Let's get in there.

Let's get it. Oh, no. Let's skip the song. Let's skip the song. Let's skip the song We got to keep the hat on Hat or song Put the hat back on

It's P.S. 11 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let my hat hear the song. Okay, good, good. Zoom in on the hat, yeah. I just woke up, so sorry, can we start over? Yeah, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Yeah

Yeah, yeah David Cross David Cross is in All right, David Cross, everybody. You couldn't rhyme something with Oh yeah, all right, all right. Right, the fuck. David Cross

He's the boss. He's lost. He added a tea. Yeah, yeah, I added a tea. You could say his loss or at a loss. Yeah. I'm not much of a writer. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're more of a writer, I think. I'm more of a, like, I know logical rhyming. Oh, you know, logical rhyming. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. So I, I, oh, you just Googled it. You can't talk about.

It's a little too late. Talks over. Wait, what is that one? Just in case that you're right down. Wait, cross with an E. Yeah, yeah, what's that even a thing? That's not a thing. That's cross if you're in London.

Oh, uh, uh, Cross. Cross. Cross. Cross. Cross. Cross. Okay. Let's give him a proper intro, if I may. Huge fan. Uncomfortable? Are you good with compliments? I'm better now, yeah.

You are? Okay, so, you know, I saw when I was younger, I don't know what year, but... This is when I was doing Premium Blend, I saw... Premium Blend? Wow, that's going back. That's a kid. That's 1948. In 1948, I did premium blend, and I saw your HBO special, and I was like, and then I became obsessed with Mr. Scha. Right? And then your work on Arrested Development, amazing.

Waiting for Golfman, I remember that part. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've done so many things, and is that enough credits or? That's fine, yeah. Yeah, scary movie. Scary movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Two. Okay. Scary, Mary, too. Do you have other credits, Pete? Uh-huh. Other credits? That I haven't mentioned. Yeah.

Yeah. No, no, no, no. You go to be... No, now it's... Now you guys are on the spot. You guys are... That's actually the only thing I've seen. Yeah.

Grown under the bus. I was like, Scare Movie 2 guys coming. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Kat, any? Yeah, just a big fan. Okay.

Just nothing specific. I mean... I mean, why... Why narrow it down a handful of things? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a big fan. And, you know, I... You know, I...

You know, I... rarely get guests. It's not that I'm nervous, but it's like, I get a little, I'm kind of excited, I'm very excited that you're here. I'm excited to be here. This is a long time coming for me, and what a great guest. And I like to introduce everyone in the room, if I may. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. We have a gay here. Hi. Hi. If I had a guest. Yeah. I think I would have nailed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish you would have let him guess. Oh, I really? Yeah, and he's a Korean flavor. Yeah.

Which is, is it a rarity or no? So far, I haven't found many. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of unicorn-ish. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we get gay Korean, and then this is our friend Katberg. I know plenty of gay Korean. Do you? Do you really? What are their names? What are their names? Name five.

Not necessarily here in L.A., but... In New York? Certainly in New York. Yeah. I'll tell you what. This is my knees looking for his credit. You know who to ask Kevin Spacey.

Oh, he knows. Yeah, he likes the gay gay career. Yeah, he does. Maybe Brian Singer. The Twinks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Game Mafia is what I call it. Yeah, X-Men's coming back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's not. No. I don't know. Okay, so, gay cream. Yeah, and then we have a standard white is what I got to call her. Yeah, like a hometown standard Midwest white.

Lady, lady. A lady. Okay, thank you. A white lady. Where are you from? David Cross. I'm from L.A. actually. Oh, I love.

Midwest. You don't know. You were saying spiritually Midwest. Yeah. Well, I just don't know much about her. Oh. Yeah. Wow.

I didn't know you grew up in L.A.? Yes. What part? Altadena. Oh, that is it. The Midwest of L.A. There you got. That is the Midwest.

Literally. They consider it. Little, they say pop. Little Ohio. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, um,

And then you, did you ever live in L.A. or no? I did, yeah, for nine and a half years. Yeah. I was in Boston for nine years, and then I came out to write on the Ben Stiller show and stayed and did Mr. Show and the aforementioned scary movie two. Wow. And then I tailed it on out of here. You did. You got out.

Yeah, I always, my little quip was that I moved to L.A. to make enough money to move away from L. Oh. I don't. I'm not a huge fan. I don't hate it, but I don't care for it. Yeah, yeah. I've been trying to get out too, but I'm stuck. You're here forever, dude. Where are you from the original? San Diego. We're not sure.

I like San Diego. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so in... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What the... What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you, what do? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, but that's just the way I talk. Do I say, yeah, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I see that a lot.

It's the San Diego. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the San Diego type of, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, how about this, how about this? How about this? All right, I'm gonna try not to say it. This whole podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I say it a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, that's the other. Figure way. But when you were in Boston, was it in the late 1990s? No, it was.

I was here in L.A. late 90s. So I was in Boston from 80, pretty much like at the end of 83, 84 to, when I move here? 93. Yeah. But were you doing comedy in Boston? Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah. So Fitzsimmons was he doing it then?

Yep. Yeah, yeah. Did you know Lauren Dombrovsky? Oh, you took a yeah off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

That's a, it's a progress. I'm learning. I'm growing. Make it progress. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh man, make this a shot thing. You're the first person that's ever called this out, I think. You're the first person that's ever.

This would be a shot where we got, everybody has to do a shot. Okay, we'd be dead. Did you know Lauren Dombrovsky? Oh, yeah, oh my God, a dear, dear friend. Yeah, me too. Yeah, oh, Lauren and I go wait. Lauren is, was really one of the, if you draw a line back to, you know, in the sense of like, well, my mother and father fucked and had.

me, like what I, how I'm where I am, Lauren was good friends with Stephen Wright. Yes. Who, and I had this thing called cross-comedy, the sketch group that, it wasn't just a sketch group. We would do take over kind of open mic nights, that was our thing, and we would have fake characters, comics, you know, and we would, so that the audience didn't know, we would sort of take over the show and open mic night with like I'd host and then or somebody else would host and I'd come up as a fake comic and we had plants in the audience. Wow.

We'd just start. It would just go and turn into a sketch show with videotapes stuff and all. Wow, wow. Lauren was part of that. And Lauren introduced, said, told Stephen, you got to come down at Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge. Check this guy out. And Stephen came down. And I was like, what the fuck?

This is cool. And then I talked to him briefly afterwards, and he was really complimentary. And then he told his manager, Tim Sarkas, who only managed like three people, I think, at the time. It was out of New York to come up from New York. Check me out. Tim did. And said, I want to manage you. Wow.

And then he was my manager for a long, long, long, long time. And then went to Brillstein Gray. Wow. or Brillstein now. But, and then, so this whole, and I came out to LA via Tim getting me, you know, Ben Stiller, and then, you know, hanging out with Bob and helping to get Mr. Show going. So Lauren was very directly, and the most awesome person. She was the awesome.

I still, I saw, you know, she has a twin, Lane Lynn. Yeah, yeah, I know, Lynn. Yeah, you know, Lyndon Browski. Yeah, yeah. And a couple years ago, I was in Boston. and she came to see my show. You know what I mean? But Lauren was, I was on a show on Mad TV.

We should say Lauren passed. Do you know what her last words were? No. Oh my God. There was a, we had like a. How many podcasts? It's getting so sad. It's good.

It's good. It's good. Why are we opening with sad? It's really funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be funny. It better be funny. It better be funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So her, so we had this memorial after she died, you know, and her last words Bush was George Bush was on the TV HW or?

No, W. Okay, W. Regular. Thanks for the clarification. St. St.S. H. Just a regular W. All right, everyone, what just happened?

Can you please explain? The Jews. No, no, no. Is it on now? Everything's recording. Everything's good. Yeah. Okay.

I don't even know what the fuck we were talking about. It was about you're not getting past and then. Bissie got upset. It was ghost of Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but to explain, there was like a rolling brown out,

which happens all the time in LA, power like dims down, goes, dips out, and then these guys who fucking live here freaking out, like, what did that happen? Oh my God. Wait, I thought this neighborhood was too rich for that. Yeah, me too. I thought it was just like my neighborhood,

Hollywood. It would have been, it would be great if I just left. And then he came back, like, what happened? Where'd Crossco? We don't know. It ate Cross. Wow, wow. All right, so we're back.

We're back, and there was a brownout that was kind of spooky. What is that? What is that? More noises. What did David Cross bring into this room, dude? A bad episode of paranormal. Oh, my God. What was that?

Get the meter out. Sage, Sage, Sage. All right, okay. Get a couple of yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever seen the yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love them.

Yeah, they're great. I love that whole... I just gave you the opportunity to say, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love them. I missed it completely. Because then we could have done like a who's on first. Oh, we could have done a bit. Well, I never took improv class.

I'm not a groundlings guy. I never took improv class. You never took improv, UCB, or anything like that. Nope. Yeah, just straight stand up. Yep. Okay. Oh, wow.

I mean, I did sketches. You did sketches. You did sketches. You know, as the, the, uh, back in Boston and Mr. Joe and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I love the. I love the.

I love the yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right. Let me. Set him up again. I don't. I don't want it. Hold on.

Hold on it. Okay. I don't want it. Are you the opportunity? I don't care. This is your podcast. You could cut this. I don't want to cut.

Oh. I wanted to show the audience. You know what? I just realized. What? You want to go home. But eventually, yeah. But now I think this is a great opportunity to tell everybody that my latest special

and at the beginning of the end is available now, early access on my website, official davidcross.com. But in about a month, it goes to the 800-pound gorilla distribution. Distribution. YouTube. So where can they see it? Right now, official Davidcross. Davidcross.com.

Official. Davidcross.com. Watch the special. The end of the beginning of the end. The end. In the beginning of the end. The end of. The end of the beginning.

Of the end. Say it all together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I read it? Yeah. David Cross, the end of the beginning of the end. Watch now. Yeah.

That's my new logo up there. What do you think? I like it. Brand new. Brand new. Love it. Oh, I love that. We love that.

Yeah. Are you decided to go no hat? Yeah. Yeah. I want that on a beer coozy. Yeah. Yeah, that would be cool too. That looks good. A t-shirt.

Or like on my... Thong? Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah. Or maybe a tattoo across the chest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On my hip. Oh, for the gays, a jockstrap.

Oh, oh, for the gays, yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. And the faces where the pets. The faces where the pittuses. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And depending on how well hung you are, the beard grows longer. Oh, just. Okay, okay. Yeah, the beard stays for us. Yeah. For you. Yeah.

For you. For you. For you. There you go. There you go. Hat no hat. Either way, circumcised, yep. I.

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and I volunteer occasionally to help the kids. This is third grade, you know, make them fucking shut the fuck up and get dressed. We got to go and, you know, for either for swing or out of it. And all these kids are there. And there's like 10, 11, 12 boys and this guy comes in swimming. And it's, you know, it's got a couple lanes that are open to the public and whatever. And he's got a jock, like,

like banana hammock. Yeah, like not even a Speedo. No, this is like Brazilian. Okay, we love it. And he's got like leather pan. I mean, this guy was like such an L.A. type of, this is New York, but like that frazzled, dyed blonde long hair, like rocker from the,

Like a Targaryen. What's that? Like Tarzan, but plays guitar? No. You know what a Targaryen is? Clearly. Game of Thrones? Game of Thrones.

Oh, I haven't seen it. They have all white hair, you know what I mean? This guy was, but also like acne and like, I think. Well, they're not Tarzanian because they didn't have acne. No. Okay. This is like a lot of meth, I'm guessing. Oh, I see.

And diluted, kind of rock. How old? He's out hot. He probably, he's trying to look, you know, like he's, in his 20s, but I gotta guess, like, mid-40s, late 40s. Oh, I see, I see. And one of those guys, and just, I was so uncomfortable because he's just in this fucking weird gay, like 90s,

like a different era. Hardcore gay. Hardcore, yeah, yeah, with leather pants. Yeah, and the- You see why people are homophobic. I wasn't scared of them. It was just as tasteful. It was just these kids, like these, you know, eight, nine-year-old boys, like, just literally right next one because all the lockers are like on top of each other.

And just, and I'm like, oh, God, oh, please don't, please don't, please don't turn to your left. Please don't turn your left. I don't know why we got on that. Oh, the jocks, yeah. The jacks drop, yeah, yeah. How many kids do you have? One. Oh, wow.

Well, how old? Wow. Wait, wait, let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. Hold on, though. Hold on. What? You don't, what?

No, he's going to ask you something. No, but I'm the host. You're the host. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ask me something. Why, wow. Why, wow. What about that information?

When you sit. Hold on, hold on. This guy. Are you not used to having a fucking conversation? This guy, this guy, right? Usually people just let it go. Right? Usually people just let it go.

Not David Cross. But not David Cross, right? Why, wow. So, let's analyze it. Okay. Okay. So you had told a story. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. And the last thing you said was, please don't turn around. Please don't turn around. Right? And I was processing it. Yeah.

Right? And I thought, wow. I... I think you're making this up as you can. No, I'm not making it up as I'm a slow talker. That's absolutely not true. You are a rapid talker. You talk so rapidly.

Yeah, but when I'm being thoughtful and mindful, you know what I mean? And when I'm processing, I'm a slow talker. Okay. Okay. And I was analyzing the situation and the story, right? And I found it to be intriguing. And I said, wow. No, you asked me.

That's not what happened. That's not what happened. You skipped a whole step. There's a whole step. What's the step that I said? You asked how many kids he has. And I said one. And he went, wow.

I think what can I, can I assert what happened? I think he asked the question and he was responding to the earlier thing. Like he's one step behind you. Right. That's freaking. Like his mouth is one step ahead, but his brain is one step behind. Hold on. Hold on.

So he's saying wow to your story. I got nervous. I got nervous. Can I say this is the best day of my life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm enjoying this. No. Now I know why.

Now I know why I said wow. Okay. And the reason why is because it's like, you know, whenever I hear a comic have children, I'd say say, wow, because I don't have any children. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Well, but it was specifically about how many.

You ask you how many. Oh, that's true. That's true. It wasn't just, do you have a kid? Yeah. Oh, wow. I get that. Sure.

You? It'll be like, you have a kid? Yeah. But it was like how many? Yeah. And they went, wow. Wait, this is actually, yeah, this makes sense.

It felt judgmental. It doesn't make any sense. It did feel judgmental. It made judgmental. Yeah. As if you expected him to have a whole gaggle of children. Yeah. You wanted him to be like prospering with children.

Okay. Just to be fair. Yeah. I wasn't like trying to put. poke at you. I was genuinely curious like what about me having one kid makes you go wow.

That's all. Don't tell don't tell me what I was thinking. Well, I thought at least three. I was thinking. Don't woman spain to him. Don't Midwestern white woman explain. Yeah, yeah. I thought that you had more than one. I think that's what it was.

And then when you learned that I didn't have more than one. Yeah, I went, wow. Well, there was a bit of inflexion. there. It was like, wow. Yeah. There was a little bit of inflection there. So what's the inflection? What is that coming from?

Yeah. You know, I really don't know. Let's get down to bracky. Do you think it's okay that he only has one child? There we go. It would be okay if you had five or none. You don't care. I don't care one way or another.

Yeah? I think you, and I don't, we all do it. We all do it. I think you were just kind of lazily, mindlessly responded. We all do it We all do it It's not life You know

We all go Oh cool You know And then you're like Well is that cool I just coached you my mom That I had a tuna fish sandwich Yeah

Yeah Wow Okay So don't do that All right I think you're right I think you're absolutely right I just said it

Okay Yeah yeah To move on Okay Yeah I said it to move on It had the opposite effect It had the opposite effect Yeah

And I apologize. There's nothing to apologize for. Okay. Zero. They don't apologize. You have one child. That feels nice. Yeah, I have one daughter.

Did you ever think that you were going to have any or no? Like, I want, yeah. I wanted kids like early on. I wasn't ready until recently. But, yeah, I always knew I wanted kids. How old is your daughter? Nine. Nine.

Oh, wow. What happened? What happened? Wait, wait. He said, oh, wow. What do you mean? What does that mean? Is that bad?

Is that bad? Is that bad or good? I just need to know if nine is good or bad. I need to know which side I'm on. I think he's just, it's like programmed to him to say, oh, wow. I was looking over here. I need to know what side of them. I was looking over here.

You were being sincere. You leaned into the mic. Hold on. Hold on. Dude, you absolutely lead to the mic and said, wow. Hold on. I just, for some reason, there's a couple of things, the yeah, yeah, yeah's, and the wows are things that are, are things that I say, right, that I have to, um, it's, isn't it something that I say at, you know? It's like your confirmation of hearing something, I think. Yeah. It doesn't have any emotion. There's no emotion to it, right?

But him going, oh, wow. Are the replacement words that I could use? None, zero. They don't exist in the English language. There's no replacement for wow. Of course there are. Yeah. Stupendous. That's a little bit more specific.

It's a little bit more specific. Yeah. Yeah. Gapendous. I've never heard that. Gali. Gali. Gali. Gali.

Oh boy. Where are you pulling these words from? From the 50s? From the 40s. You could say 20. The Korean War. What? During the Korean War.

From the Korean War. Is that what you said? I mean, I guess the G. Oh, the GIs would say Gali a lot? Gali, I just killed a Korean? Gali, she Gali. Gali, I just slaughtered a village. Hey, some married

the women and... Oh, right. Yeah. I'm sorry, I don't mind. Gali sounds like it'd be a slur for some, like a slur they would come up in the war for some... Gali? Gali is a slur. A bunch of gauly. I was out there, man, I can't,

I go down the Home Depot I get there and just a bunch of god-dammed golly running around trying to trying to clean a windshield and whatnot Yeah yeah

Mexican No no This is a different home depot Yeah yeah It's in Alaska It's in June Right outside Where the golly's head

Yeah The golly community They're like mong Yeah You ever bring me to Mong? Where is that? Who are you? Who are you?

Yeah They're big too Yeah Yeah, big heads. Mons, that'd be golly. That'd be, let's, can we try it? What? What?

Can this show, we can apply the word golly to mongs. Oh. It's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just a slang. Yeah. What's a mong? That's the most offensive thing I've ever heard. That's the most offensive thing I've ever heard. That's crazy thing I've ever.

That's crazy you said. That's from the Midwest. That's so racist, you're going to be canceled for that. I don't know what it is. No, it's a very little known Asian. Yeah. It's not even a country anymore. A group of people.

Expat community. Yeah, yeah. Culture. They're driven out. Clint Eastwood made a movie. Get off my law. Yeah. He said bad.

Is it a slow? I'm not going to say that word. No, no. No, Hm. The name of the people. But it's H-M-O-N-G. So when you see it. It's a silent age.

Yeah. It's not homong. Yeah. Yeah. Homo? No homo. No homo. No, what are you doing?

Is that your Midwestern comedy coming out? The Altadina comedy? You went from H-M-O-1G-2 Homo. Wait, where's Altadena? Is that? It's God now. It's in heaven. Oh, that's how we know it from the fire.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Sorry, I didn't mean that. Where is Altadena? Wow. That's terrible. Is it north from here or south? North. North.

North. It's by Pasadena? Yeah, right at Glendale of both, Pasadena. The dirty D. How long to take you to get an hour? I just shot my special a month ago. I'd never done one before. Oh, really?

Yeah. That was it. It's fine. Like the experience. The experience was great. Where'd you shoot it? In San Diego, and it was a really great experience. But I'm a really lazy writer.

And it took me 30 years to come up with it now. I'm not kidding you. It was like the best of the 30 years. of me doing comedy. Because no one had ever asked me to do a special. Right. Right. So I was just like,

I'll just keep doing stand-up, right? And then finally, you know, a company went, you know, would you like to do one? And I said, yeah. You know what I mean? So, and now when it comes out in November, I have to start over,

which I've never started over. November, why so? I don't know why, but, yeah. Yeah. Thanks, kid. Well, Hulu, you know, yeah, the scheduling thing. And they only put out one a month,

and I think Glazier has one. Yeah. A couple people have one. What's the name of it? It's called Finally, because I've never done one before. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And how long does it take you to create an hour, do you think?

I mean, so what I do is, and I just started, literally I've done two shows in this process, and I've done it for the last four tours, four specials, four tours. So I do this thing starting in Brooklyn, where I live, called Shooting the Shit, Seeing What Sticks, and I go, do you know Union Hall in Brooklyn? Anybody? Okay, so you guys, we'll be vocal about it.

You can't tell at home that you're not in it that way. Oh, wow. Can you see the line again? See the line again? It's, uh, so I do, so I go to Union Hall and Brooke. Oh, Union Hall. Oh, I fucking love that place. Yeah, great.

It's great. And, uh, it's small 99 seat in a basement and I do like. They can't add a seat? Just for around this? They stop at nice. One seat. It's probably, I'm going to guess a tax thing. Oh, it's a tax thing.

I'm guessing, but that's a very good question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one seat in the back. I don't know. Yeah. No, it can't have three numbers. Two numbers. That's it.

Oh, that's it. Look at it. That's the room. Yeah, it's great room. Is it advertised David Cross or is it just like... They always have shows down there. There's an upstairs bar that's upstairs bar. And then they have this thing.

It's been there for, I don't know, 10 years now, longer. And it's great. It's great for what... And I'm sure you know literally dozens, if not 100 people, who've done shows there. Oh, I see. And it's... So I go there and I do...

And I think like yourself, I can't write, I can't sit down to write. I don't, it doesn't work that way. Yeah. All my stuff comes from on stage. So I go up with notes and I record every set and I go, you know, let's try this. Is this funny? This thing happened. That's fucked up.

You know, whatever. And you just sort of build. And you have ideas. Definitely like, I want to talk about this. And then the first two shows always are tough, you know. But then slowly but surely you start. Because I want to know as a comic, because I have a problem with silence. Oh, I don't at all.

And I've said to people that I really admire, I think I said this to Steve, too. Like, good comics, I like do not. Stephen Wright. Steve Fury. Oh, Steve Fury. Okay, okay. Sorry. No, I wouldn't tell Steve Wright.

Hey. Tell Stephen Wright's right. Hey, let me give you a little tip. Stephen Wright, Mort's all. Come over here. No, I think it's a real issue. I see it with a lot of comics, and they're, as you said, afraid of silence,

and you should embrace the silence. You should use it. It's a tool. Use it. Do not be afraid of science. Now, obviously not 10 second gaps, but... Yeah, yeah. Silence is your friend.

Don't embrace it. I'm being triggered. I called you. Yeah, you and I are the same in that way. Yeah, we don't like it. We don't like it. We want to kill. I understand.

You can kill with silence. You can't kill with silence. You can. Oh, I did not know that. I think you can. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, do you know Stuart Lee?

No. British comedian? Genius. Okay. He's very soft-spoken. He uses silence, you know, to get attention to, not attention, but focus and make the punch lines have even more gravity. And I've certainly used silence to, you know, make you anticipate in a way that you wouldn't

if I didn't take a two seconds. And I'm telling you, I've seen so many really good comics just plow through that stuff and I can tell they're afraid of silence. Do not be afraid of silence. That's me. I wish I talked to you before I filmed my YouTube special. Because I saw, I edited myself and I saw how much I do that and I fucking hated it. Okay.

So lesson learned, you know. What do you mean? What did you hate about it? I hated that I didn't just let it breathe. Yeah. Because I, like, what we talked about, like, I want to, like, get in there and, like, get the quantity of laughs. so bad that I don't care about the quality of the laugh.

Yeah. Right. Because so I'm getting four small laughs whereas like if I waited I would have gotten one huge laugh. Yeah. And I wish I knew that before I filmed myself. Well, you've got all this time to you know, live and learn and this is it for him, dude.

Yeah, yeah. Are you done? Oh, you're not allowed to do it anymore. You said no more. They say you can do it but don't ever post anything. I see. But I mean, we're trained. We're like, I see people trained that way. Like, it's like you got to go out there, especially club comics too.

You got to go out there. You got to fucking nail, you know. And as you said it perfectly, it's quantity over quality. It's exactly that. And I think I don't have the, I am now getting the, 10 years in, the confidence to be like, maybe. You know. Just own it. Own that stage.

That's your stage. That's your time. Yeah. You're telling them. You're talking to them, you know. And everybody's on the ride together. Why can't we do that? Is it like an Asian thing?

I think it has to do with trauma. I think it is trauma too. I think there's trauma. Because I'm like trying to, every time I go on stage, it's life or death. It's not just life or death. I want them to like me so much.

Me too. Yeah. That's what I mean about. I think I'm going to die if you don't like it. They neediness of their affirmation. is what I crave. It's like an addict. Right, it's like an addict, right?

Yeah, that's how I feel. Yeah, I ask that. This is another good point that you made is I think there is a difference between club comedy, right? And other sorts of, like people that are doing other kind of venues, like Largo or whatnot. Theater. Or there.

Or here. When you're following, you know what I mean, in situations that I'm in, you know what I mean? Like, you know, the lineups are so stacked. And the audience is trained. The audience is trained to go, like, I don't want to, You know, especially if everybody is doing, has the same approach. They're like, why is this guy, he hasn't said anything for two seconds. What is this guy doing?

No one's thinking that. Yes. No one's thinking that. I don't, I forget that. I forget that. I forget that. But I think they might be thinking that because I think that our attention spans are so quick now that it's like, this has been a thing for a while, I think.

You think so? Yeah, it's just, it's a, it's an approach to stand up. And I think it, you're both right. It comes from this place, especially when you're starting out. And, you know, it takes years to really start finding your voice and feeling and getting it. And it's, you know, intuitive and innate. And it takes a while. And there's that, like, I got to get laughs.

I got to, or I'm not going to move forward in my career. You know, I need time. And I got to show, you know, but you guys have all seen at some. different like open mic nights when you travel and stuff and you've been on the road and then that happens and then there's a guy like Stephen Wright, perfect example, gets up, I mean that guy, talk about silence. Silence, yeah, yeah. You know, and there are lots of comics like that and it works. Mm.

But I know why, I know where it comes from. I understand it. I'm just saying as, as an old legendary stage of stand-up comedy you know it's it's the number one thing I say to people when I see them doing that because I'm like you are what is that? That's you no who's on the left isn't that you? No

you on the left people haven't listened to you cool I just told the boys earlier I'm on him's hair and it's making my hair thicker I mean, I didn't want to share that, but it is true. And him offers convenient access to a range of prescription. Hair loss treatments works guys with ingredients that work, including chews, oral medication, serums, and sprays.

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Prescription required. See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral monoxideil and finasteride. Dude, what are you doing? What? I've never worn a tie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's this?

That's a golly. That's a golly for sure. That is the after the bent's a tie. Oh, this is actually a good story. Is that you right there? Wait, wait, wait. Yeah, that's me in the robe. In the robe.

Yep. Wow. There you are. There you. Wow. That's got to, what is that? 93, 94. Wow.

I like your, what is that part of the? Soul patch. A soul patch. I like that. Believe it. Do you have any, a Greek in you? No. Mediterranean?

No. Because my skin color? You look really tan. It's all of. Yeah, it's all. I have, and thankfully, my daughter got my skin and up. My wife. wife is like alabaster, you know, but burns and doesn't tan.

Yeah. Yeah. And like she would have been super hot in the 1800s. Yeah. But I've got like, you know, I mean that this is this. Well, that's a good tan. It's not a tan. I've been in.

That's your regular? Yeah, it's regular. Oh, I get super tan. I get dark, dark, dark. Wow. I get dark where I could pass. Where do you hail from? As what?

Rob Schneider. He can pass as Rob Schneider. So, Filipino? Yeah. Half Filipino. Wait, David Cross is half Filipino? No, but if he gets tan, he can cross. Yeah, it passes as Rob Schneider.

Without the politics. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. Yeah, yeah. Wow. That was my headshot. I needed to, I was living in L.A.

That's probably 86. I was here for a summer. and I wanted to try to get stand-up work. And they were like, you have to have a headshot. And I had no headshots. And I had no money. So I went to the Sears down on Santa Monica. And I don't know if it's still there.

It's probably gone. It was like fourth in Santa Monica, somewhere like that. And they had this thing where you could, for baby pictures, you know, for like $18, you can get of eight by 10. and some wallet size. So I took a little bit of money and I went down to the... Because that was the picture I could afford. And that was my headshot for...

Pull up the one mine from the La Hoya County. Yeah, that's the same thing. That's the same thing for me. You know what's so funny? Are you? What? I didn't go to Sears, but I remember like... Like Olin Mills or something?

Yeah, there was like this mall and they had this like photography studio. And it was, you know, I had like 40 box back. back then in the 90s. That's it. 40 bucks is what it cost? Yeah, 40 bucks.

You know what I mean? And I got it. Yeah, that's a good job. My thing was nothing. It was like, you know, baby photos. So it was like very cheap. Hey, shots now are like $400, the whole thing. Wait, go to see.

I feel like the Gen Z boys are doing this hair now. This kind of like, poofy, mullity thing. You look so young. I mean, you really do. Yeah, yeah. I was 23 years old there. Wow. I'm 54.

That was a lot. long, long time ago. Damn. How old were you here? Are you holding a teddy bear in that? Yeah, I'm in a kid, you know, they have a little kids background. Defending yourself? Whoa, whoa.

I'm probably 22. 22 now. Wow. Yeah. And did you think at that time, because you're struggling, right, that everything was going to work out? Yes and no. I mean, I didn't have any, like, I didn't think, like, oh, it'll, any day now. It's going to happen.

And I had years, I mean, a decade plus where I was just, but I was also a fuck up, and I was drinking heavily, taking drugs and just not, I had no responsibilities except to myself. And I grew up poor, so it was like, okay, I'll sleep on a couch and eat, you know, you know, beans out of a can. I don't want to do that, but I can do it. I know that. You know, and, and I had fun.

It was frustrating, and it sucks having no money sometimes, but I laughed a lot and I had a lot of fun, and I would, you know, hang out with my friends and do stand-up and then go see bands that were friends of mine, and that was my life for a while.

So it was... What bands? The yeah, yeah. that was this pre yeah yes um but uh i i had the feeling like okay i'm i was never one of those people was like i'm gonna give it three years and if it doesn't work i'm gonna go back to you know doing data processing or whatever i was i was just going i was in it i was just going to do it i understood early like a lot of it is luck you know and i thought i do you do you believe that? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I mean, yes. I know really, really, not to absolve people

or myself of irresponsibility and why, you know, could things have been better? Sure, could things have been worse? Sure. And some of that was up, you know, up to me. But luck is, I know some really unlucky people. And they're very talented. Yeah. And I think I've been lucky. Yeah, but I know some people that... And you clearly have been lucky. I know, I... Whoa. Yeah, I think not... Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Dependous. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a slam. That was... Yeah, yeah. I want to see if it hurt... It didn't hurt that bad. Yeah, yeah. It's a joke, guys. But sometimes... Let me have a can of water. Yeah, have a can of water. I'll have a cent. But I believe, though, sometimes you...

That's good water. But sometimes you see somebody with a lot of talents and you know why it didn't work out through, you know what I mean, choices like drug abuse, personality, yeah. Personality, and there are certain factors that go into it. Sure. You know, laziness or whatever, I might be, fear.

I'm not going to, I never get. Those are all legit. Those are all legit reasons, you know what I mean? I'm not going to read because I never get it anyway. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. There was, I had that time. And there's a bit of the,

you know, what's the phrase, when you're sabotaging yourself, fear of success. Fear of success. I think that I've known people who, I think, unfortunately had an idea of like, you know, that's, I don't want to be a sellout or I want to do that thing. There's a classic story of a comic who was quite popular in Boston at the time, the 80s.

when the whole scene was booming. And he was, you know, a mainstay, legit guy. And he, is the story at least, he got an offer, or they wanted him for the Tom Hanks character in Bus and Buddies. Wow. And he wouldn't do it because he didn't want to dress like a girl. And, you know, Boston has that, you know, cult culture there, unfortunately.

And there it is. There it is. That looks like your headshot a little. A little bit. Yeah, Bobby. Look at you. Well, the guys from Sears did that. He moved up.

He moved up. But, uh... Cat? You know, cat. What? Special gas. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry to her.

But he wouldn't do it. That's a thing that, you know, because you thought people were going to make fun of you. You didn't do this thing? That, you know, it's just crazy. Yeah. People are calling it a humiliation ritual now. What?

That, like, Kat Williams talks about it, like how black men are always getting to a point where they're like, okay, Hollywood has to put you in a dress, and that becomes, like, a thing, a ritual to, like, get success in Hollywood. Is that, like, a thing that's just kind of like... I don't do that the thing. I don't, yeah. I mean, I think that there are some things where you're, I guess, black actors,

there are probably a handful that, where they have dresses that aren't Tyler Perry, you know. He's putting himself in that. Please let me play Medea. He wrote that. And produced and directed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He wrote himself into that situation. He's like, okay, Hollywood, I'll do it.

All right. Where's my billion dollars? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my entire industry. Yeah, I mean, that might be a thing for a hand, but I mean, how many, I mean, you've seen TV shows and movies, how many black actors are cross-dressing? I mean, how many?

Joanna man? Okay, that's going on. That's what, 20 years old? Yeah. So there's one example. Wayne's brothers. When I did mad TV, they're like, you're playing Connie Chung, you're playing this, Lucy Liu, you're playing the, I don't care.

Well, men dressing up as women is just like a comedy thing. that's been so long. Fucking Python. Monty Python. Yeah, yeah. Come on. Kids in the hall. Yeah.

And then after that, that guy probably didn't get any more offers. Is that what happened? Probably not. Yeah. I don't know. This is a story that I, you know, was like legend there. Yeah.

Oh. That's me and Keegan. It's Connie Chung, right? Yeah. And Keegan. Why is she? Why is she interviewed Barack naked? Yeah, and there's Barack.

Wait, was it Christmas episode? I don't even remember that. Same body, though. Look at Scallop. Scallop shape. Same body. I've never seen you look so happy in your life. You look hot.

Yeah, it was pretty hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. We'll take it off. Please take it off because I think I have to shoot more of Zipik or something. Shoot more us and sing. Because that's not good. That's not a good body.

That's true. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't that bad. It's not that. It's not bad. Yeah. You've lost weight. Did I? A little bit, yeah.

Oh, thanks. You've never said that. Are you on a Zemik? No. Have you lost weight? I have. Yeah, yeah. I've been working out.

I have to take my clothes off in a movie. Oh, that will motivate you. Okay. Yeah, and I'm scared. Yeah. I play like a gay best friend, so I'm like. Oh, I see. Yeah.

And when do you shoot? 23rd. Of this month. Yeah. Yeah. It's a very low budget. Okay. You won't even hear about it.

It's a school project. It's a negative. It's a school project. It's an AFI student project. It's a PSA that's only gonna... No, it's so cringed to be like, I'm shooting a movie, but I am shooting something and I have to be naked, so I feel...

Oh. No full weiner. No, thank God, but like in a Brazilian... A banana hammock. That's comedy. That's comedy. That's comedy. Especially when you have, you know...

Children. You have lines? You have lines? Oh, Bobby. You know I don't. You know I don't. You know I don't. You don't have any lines.

You know I don't. Oh, you're just going to lay in a bed? No, I'm taking my shirt off. I know. I'm dancing around. Yeah, yeah, but you have no lines. It's an industrial. I don't know.

For Comcast. It's for Comcast. I might be able to improvise. I looked up the director and her work feels like it's improv. It's an in-house video. It's an in-house video.

for Kroger employees. It's a vertical. You know how you're going to know, the day you show up, they're going to go, we're not going to put a lov on you. I'm like, are you sure you don't? There's no, they don't want to. There's no, there's no improv.

They're like, no, go ahead. We won't pick it up. No law. So you're just getting naked for a movie. Well, sorry, some of us have to work for less, okay? I'm not fighting with you about, you know. I'm embarrassed. Yeah, it's hard out there.

I feel embarrassed. Yeah, it's not the same that when we grew up, you know, where there was so a lot of projects, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm, I'm self-conscious about my nipples. Don't be. What am I getting paid?

Is there? I don't want to tell you that. We'll bleep it out. It's so sad. It is so sad. We'll bleep it out. Free? It will bleep it out.

It's free, isn't it? Free. No, I'm getting paid. Oh, that's really good. And this economy is great. David, that's bad. That's good. I mean, if it's like, it's just one scene?

and you guys show me. He's like, it's a one-week shit in Montana. This feels worse and worse. You have no lines? It's just one scene. Not bad. It's sag.

Yeah. It's sag. Oh, that's good. That's good. It's sag. It's sag. Wrong union? Are they going to taft heartily you?

Oh, I remember tap Hartley. I must join. I must join. You must join the union. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, most of this check is going to union. Did you read for it? Yeah.

Did you dance for it? I danced for it. I danced for it. Okay. And yes, it was on Zoom. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Do you guys remember early, like, projects like this?

Like, where you were kind of like, oh, shoot, I can't believe I'm doing this right now. Not that you're saying that you can't believe you're not doing it. Wow. I'm getting dragged at this point. I think I had more self-esteem back. Yeah. That's why he holds through his silences. Yeah.

This is an actor that pushes. threw his punchline. Yeah, but in the beginning, if they were like, okay, it's a Scorsese movie, right? And De Niro's playing a gay guy, and you're, you know, and it's a scene with him. I'll suck his dick. Yeah.

All right, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, I'll pay you. That's not in the script, but. Yeah. I could see myself in that situation going, no lines, my shirt up. Yeah, fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

This is a Scorsese movie? Yeah, yeah. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. It's an indie. It's an indie. And, you know. Right.

There's a script. And who you looked up the director's work? And they seem amenable to improv. So. I don't know. Okay. Let's just see what her work is like here. We're breaking down this audition.

It sounds like a real estate. Yeah, she's a real estate agent from Compass. That, by the way, it's a callback to his special for the deep fans. Oh, my God. That's right. Yeah. I watched it. Oh, my Lord.

That's really good. I didn't even catch that. So clip that. Oh, I didn't even catch that. Peter, redemption. That was real.

I mean, that was legit. Everything I do and all my specials that really happened, but, uh... It sounds like it. Yeah, it was, uh,

that was, like... That inspired me to write back to those. Yeah. Yeah. Do you make up stories ever? No. Ever?

Never. Wow. I mean, well, you... That's the opposite trait of. I should say that I do, I make things up. No, this is my hang up.

It's my thing, and I'm, I admit that it's a weird thing, but I don't like people who even exaggerate and I will call you on an exaggeration. My wife, I'm telling you, it's annoying. I know it. I know it. I think it's all psychological shit because of my dad, who is just a pathological liar. And, and I can't. I don't, I don't, when like my wife, or any friends, too,

or be, like, telling a story that I was a part of, and they're like, whatever the thing is, like, oh, man, it's, it was like five miles away, or it was, and it was like, literally, it was 99 degrees, or whatever the thing is, I'll be like, it wasn't five miles away. It was, like, two and a half miles. Oh. You know, like that kind of thing, or I'll go, it wasn't 99 degrees. Details matter.

I just. My partner's exactly like that. I have a, an issue. And I understand why people are annoyed at it. I do, I get it. Like, who cares, really? But for some reason, I just can't let it go. And, like, that's not true.

You like to be exact. I just don't, not exact. I just don't, I don't know why you're exaggerating. The story is fine without you adding. Yeah, but if somebody says, I saw Lord of the Rings, it's a thousand hours long. I mean, David's like Bobby. No, no, that.

Two hours. No, I'm not that guy. Oh, go, go, go. No. Okay. I'm not that guy. I'm talking about when you're telling the story that I'm supposed to empathize with or sympathize with or it's like you're being dramatic about this thing. And I know the story and it was a crazy thing that happened.

But there is literally no need to embellish. Embellish like that. And and and or exaggerate. Like if it was, yes, it's hot. It was hot. It was not 99 degrees. And you don't need, you're not going to gain any more sympathy or... Does it feel manipulative?

I just don't understand why people do it. And I don't, and like, I just don't get it. And it bothers it. It's a pet peeve, and I get why people are irritated with me. But if a joke can become stronger by lying, why wouldn't you use it? Um, I, I, I, there are times I've, I've exaggerated, but you know it. You're not ever questioning it. But this isn't like, like the, uh, Hassan Minaj thing.

I don't make shit up. Oh, that, that. Yes, yes. And I don't, I, bleep this up thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I, the, but the stories that I tell, like, like, like the one about, you know, the major one in this last special.

Every single word, every single thing happened. Wow. I have a story in a couple specials ago about walking down the street in the East Village and a guy saying, high Hitler, that I was like, what is he saying? High or Hile? High. High? So it's a whole bit where I'm walking down the street.

It was late at night. I remember UCB used to have that room there. and I was... Great room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Great, great, great. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Yeah, great. I was leaving there, and I was walking back to the subway. And this guy is coming down on the opposite side of the street, and he's by himself. And he's like, yeah, fucking, you know, whatever. And he's dressed like a businessman, right? He's not immediately, visually crazy, right?

Which are plenty of those guys. And he's like, uh, he's like, uh, You know, it's fucking bullshit. I'm like, you know, and I can't tell if he's on a phone and what's going on. He's got nothing. He's got like, I think a computer in his hand or something. And he's going, it's fucking bullshit. Yeah, I'm, okay, okay.

Hi, Hitler. Hi, Hitler. And I'm listening and I kind of catch it. Yeah. And I slow down. And I'm like, I start following him where he can't see me. But I'm like, because I was like, is he saying, hi, Hitler? And he's going on and he's like, yeah, okay, great, yeah, okay, hi Hitler, hi Hitler.

And then I do this whole bit about how, so one of two things happened, either he doesn't realize that the phrase is Heil Hitler or he actually thinks he saw Hitler during this conversation. Anyway, it's a whole bit, but that is a real thing that happened. That's an easy thing to make up. Right. I thought of that in a different context. And I've never done that ever. Wow. And if something's clearly made up, you know it.

I just don't lie. Oh, my God. What are you thinking right now, Bobby? What am I thinking right now? Because I'm just thinking about my special and how many made up life. And every story on this podcast. And every story that I've ever told on this podcast. I'm really doing a self-reflection here.

Because I feel like it has to be embellished or made up for people to be engaged in it. You know what I mean? Well, I don't necessarily think that's true. I think there's another way to find the humor in the thing that, I mean, unless you're making something up out of whole cloth. No, it starts from truth.

It starts from the truth. molested by guy with Down syndrome. Yeah. Oh, my God. Why do you have to make anything up There's pieces that are embellish. There are pieces that are embellished. And is it embellished to allow?

Sorry to cut you off. No, no. I want to hear it. For allow. Sometimes I make things down because it's too traumatic. Like what we were talking about before with the chef stuff. Like so that I can set up for the audience better for this payoff. To make it more like.

Palatable. So they're not worrying about me. Yeah. when I'm telling like a crazy story like that. Yeah, no, for me it's like, I'm, I think it goes back to the stand-up where it's like I'm just so needy, right, that I just, I'm constantly aware that people are listening and I feel like I have to overperform or, you know what I mean, get keep people engage in a certain way, so I lie. I lie. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. No nuance.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a liar. I just, I'm a liar. Yeah, yeah, and I'm a fraud. Well, ironically, I appreciate your honest. I'm a fraud. I really am. You know what, but Bobby, what about this? Because when you say that,

you have a bit about, that's true, about being molested by somebody with Down syndrome, that, I, I'm not trying to be funny. That feels like, oh my God, there's so much material to mind why, what happens, I don't know what you added, I don't know the bit, but... That's not really in a bit that I do, I just said it on the pod, but it's like, they're just,

what's the question? Well, I was just wondering why, because it's so ripe for, you can go any... In direction. Any direction, yeah. Like, why did you make up a lie when there's so... Because there are gray areas that I don't know, because in that particular situation, right? I remember bits and pieces of it, and I fill in the gray areas with make believe.

Okay. I think that's okay. That's not as regis as just... Yeah. And do we know as an audience? Do we know you're making the... I think people listening don't know, right? But sometimes I will fill in gray areas with things because...

Are you saying maybe or, you know... No, no, seriously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if you simply added, like, you know, and I don't know, maybe something, and then did the lie, wouldn't that still everybody would be with you and it wouldn't feel like you're lying?

Yeah. Well, I'll give you an example of when I told the story, right? Like, for instance, I said that he wrote a Zamboni. Yeah. He has a lot of details. Leave it in. I don't care if it's a liar. You leave that in.

There was no Zamboni. It's white lies. It's white lies. It's white lies. Yeah. It's so funny. Yeah, so. He didn't, he didn't, he wasn't a cleaner.

He wasn't a, you know what a Zamboni is? He just rode it. You know what a Zamboni? Yeah, it's like the ice cleaner. Yeah, yeah, it's an ice cleaner. That was like, like, motive. I mean, if I heard that, I'd go, oh, he's, that's a joke. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, but he did. Oh. He did write a Zambone. Oh, oh, that's true. No, yeah. No, but so here's the get. I thought that was the lie.

No, that wasn't the lie. No, that wasn't the lie. Oh, wow. No, no, even more. Why do you feel the need to lie? You've got a guy with Down syndrome riding a Zamboni who's going to molest you and you got to make something up? Yes. Yes, I think I do.

Let's go the hat on a hat. Yeah. So the lies are this is that like I remember there being like the, it was like a brown building where the Zamboni was. And during the summers, he lived there. And it was, this is in Minnesota, so there's no snow or ice, obviously, right? And during, so in my mind, right, I make believe that he's the one, I've said that he's the one during the winters riding the Zamboni, right, when he could have just been there.

During the summers, you know, I mean, just kind of taking care of the grounds. That's what I'm saying. You're connecting. I connect things. I make assumptions. That's not lying. That's not lying. That's not lying.

I don't think so. I'm not a fraud. I'm not a lie. I think if you know something to not be true and say it's true, and that kind of thing is like a little white lie. Oh, so white light that's fine. Well, depending on the context of this, I'd say, yeah. Yeah, you didn't go and, you know, hire a private eye to find out, hey, I'm doing this bit. Can you go down and see if he really does ride a Zamboni?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I have done this. I'm talking about people who, or comics who are like, have a whole bit that is predicated on something that never happened. I was flying in this guy. People are so entitled to flying, and this person sat down next to me, and they said this thing, and then somebody took a shit in the bathroom. You know, whatever the thing is like, that's just, what are you doing?

Oh, oh, ah. I think that's so difficult to do that, though, to, like come up with all those fake scenarios. How do you keep up with it? Like, how do you do that? Justy Smollett. No what I mean? I just like I've tried to lie Like I once had a bit about how my cousin was a professional tap dancer from Oklahoma City College

But so unbelievable I know and then I just tried to come up with all these like bits about it, but it was so hard To do it You have a cousin who legitimately does that and then you were trying to think a thing No he didn't he's just gay So I have enough to get so much to work with one of them make that up You guys don't have have to bring more genius enough.

Just gay. So he's not a tap dancer at Oklahoma, whatever, community college? No, he's just gay profession. Go with that. Yeah, why you just go with that? You're like, they won't believe it. He also rides his Ambodi.

Yeah. Yeah. The guy. I don't know the bit, but I bet you. Yeah, yeah. I bet you and I would challenge you that you could tell the same story, get the same jokes, get the same laughs,

without making it seem like this thing happened that didn't happen. Oh. I guarantee it. Okay. Yeah. Or I'll give you your money back. Okay.

I see what you're saying. It's just in like wording like maybe or, you know what I mean? Yeah. Hypothetically. No one's going to care. No one's going to care. They will care if they find out you're making up all your shit, you know.

Will, do they? Yeah, I think, I think some people would. Yeah, some people will care. Yeah. Okay. That's a good point. Right.

Well, I feel like lying to gain sympathy for people, you know what, you know what I mean, the problem is. Deceitful. You know what I mean? Or to, yeah, to make your point and to, you know, thread this idea through your hour, you know, so that you come back around to that thing that I said earlier, you know, the first 10 minutes, It's like now you're thinking of it in a different way, aren't you? And people, you know, and then you find out that that person made this whole story up and you're like, oh, fuck you. That's for the callback.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To drive their point. Caesar salad. Yeah. That's like, that was a comic like hamburger, but he said Caesar Salad. Seaser Salat. Yeah. Damn, Caesar Salad.

Don't lie to me, mass media. Don't lie to me, mass media. See, a salad. It's interesting because back when you started... Curly fries. Curly sweet potato fries. Ain't her top. He's just hungry.

Because back then there was... I don't know, when you started, was there a thing where people were like, you gotta get a hook? Oh, yeah. No. You never got that? Back in the comedy store days, they're like, you got to get a hook.

Really? Did you try any hooks? Well, yeah, you wear different outfits. No. Oh, fuck that. Yeah. What did Mitzi make that one guy wear? There's this old story about I got Jackie Graham.

Yeah. And he auditioned for Mitzi probably in the early 80s. And he gets off stage and she says, you're great. He's like, oh, thank you. And he goes, your new name is Jackie Banana. No. And he goes, okay, and you have to wear a yellow suit. Oh my.

So, you know, like that kind of thing back then. There were a couple different things where people gave me shit for not dressing nicer. Like I would wear this basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and no, no, no, no. What is going on here? No. Stop it!

Push pause. What is going on here, dude? I don't. Look, we all made mistakes. Is it? Isn't it hot? You're doing TV. Oh my God.

This is the first TV, like, chat show stand-up I did. I did a couple on the roads and evening again to Mirobs, but. Did you choose that outfit? I love it. Yes. Is it a heart? He's an edgy comic. I don't.

I don't. I don't know what I was thinking. Yeah. It's terrible. Conan O'Brien, 94. 94 Conan O'Brien. Wow. This really, yeah.

And you bought that sweater. Yeah. That's not for it. Is that a stylist borrowed? And look how long the sleeves are. It's too long for me. Yeah, yeah. Look, it's like hanging off.

Oh, God. Yeah. It's cool guy. Yeah. I don't care. Probably at the time they were like, oh, that's cool. That's cool in the 90s. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I guess.

But, yeah, I mean, I mean, All right, enough. You can see. Okay, yeah, yeah, turn it off, yeah. I like your earrings, too. Oh, thank you. Wow. Wow.

My daughter, my daughter. Yeah. Back then, were you, because I remember, you know, when I would be young and have no money and you get a TV spot, right? The nervousness of it. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I used to pace, pace. Yeah.

And, you know, like premium blend back then, they used to do like, you know, 12 shows a night. And they're like, Bobby, you're on the last show. That was mine. Did you do the New York one? No, I did the LA one. Yeah, yeah. Last show, right? They already did 12.

Same audience. And you're the last comic of the last show. Oh my. It was fucking brutal. 12 shows or 12 comics? They shot all day long. Because it was like, you know, we shoot these in three days and we got to get this many episodes out.

You know what? Like six minutes? Five minutes. Yeah, but still it was like it. I bombed so hard. Oh, my. It was so rough. Yeah, that's not fair.

It's not fair. Yeah, yeah. But I used to get like, Tonight Show, I was, no, you know, I had no future. Everything's relying on this set. In my mind, you build it up, right? So it's just this nervousness that you've never really felt before.

It's like do or die, hit the ball or you're done. Yeah. But you do so well in those situations. Haven't you said that before? Like, unlawful. Well, what have I said? What lie did I say? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I might have been lying. Yeah, yeah. What is the lie that I said? You perform under pressure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because you were talking about how some comedians are talented

but don't rise to the occasion. You are always someone that could rise to the occasion. Yeah, I'm, I've always been able to hit the ball when needed. Yeah. You know, and I think that, I think, I don't think that is a lie. I think that is a, do you know if they sweetened it when you, did you see it back? Yeah, no, yeah, they did add laugh.

Did you know they were going to do that or that? I did not know. Right. And I learned a valuable lesson that night where it's like, pretend you're killing. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

But I think when I was watching it, I could see. It's true. It's true. I'm like, God, I'm done. Yeah, yeah. But I remember watching it, right, going, oh, I wish, because I could see it in my eyes. Yeah. And it's probably something that other people couldn't read,

but I could see him. Yeah, my eyes were going, like that, you know what I mean? but I was still trying to smile you know what I mean you know yeah yeah yeah yeah so you know

yeah you learn to pretend that you're doing well right because sometimes man it can be brutal I did a early early on I think it was like my third TV thing

I'd done an evening at the improv and a comedy on the road with John Beiner in San Diego and then I got an offer to do excuse me an ad for open water that's good one you want more open water we have more?

No I'm good okay to do comedy on the road in London and I'd never been abroad and I was so excited to do it and it was it was shot at the comedy store whatever is in

Piccadilly Circus or Lester Square one of those and it was afternoon. My God. Yes. So it was like 3 o'clock in the afternoon. And poorly run, poorly produced with too much downtime and resetting and stuff.

And it was just everything that you could ask for to make a set suck. It's warm in there. And it was, and I had one of those, you know, the, old school before phones, the London maps, kind of like a Thomas guide, but it was like a, it's a London A to Z, London, whatever, and you have these things

in it, because London is crazy, complicated. And so I had this map in my pocket just from walking over there to the place. And I told this this joke that you, like there's no

punchline until the end. And you've got to be with me for about a minute, a minute and a half. And then you get to the, yeah, yeah. And I'm doing the thing. And I do this whole fucking setup. And I get to the punchline, which kills in other places, right? And it's worth it.

And I get to it. And it wasn't also, it wasn't like a cultural thing. They didn't, they just were sitting there and nothing. Nothing, zero. Not even, nothing. Yeah. And then I pulled out the map. And I went, and this is like spur, I just, you know, spur of the moment, I thought of it.

And I pulled out the map and I go, and I read back my direction to the club. Yeah. You know, efficiency flat. I was staying in like, the Leicester's right at Berwick and a left at Warburton. And I did this for a while. And then to the comedy, sir, nope, that joke should have worked. And just nothing. Nothing.

Oh, no, oh no, no. Yeah, yeah. Actually, if you want to try to put some, try comedy on the road with John Beiner London. This would have been 94, 90, 93 maybe. Brutal Brutal See if that's available I don't even know if it's on the internet

Have you been back to London To do comedy since then? Oh yeah, I lived there for I did a couple shows there And I do I have great shows And actually all of the UK's Is really good

I played for the first time last year It's great It was great I love it And I was on tour last year doing the European leg and I had, I booked, or cleared a week around my

London date and had my family came over and, uh, because I wanted my daughter to, because I have dual citizenship too. To the UK. Do you? You do too? Yeah. Nice. To UK? Yeah. Wow. Oh. Korea or no? No, I, I've just here. They hate me.

I'm fucked. Yeah, we're fucked. Yeah. But I mean, I can, I can, I can, I can, you know, and I can work in London. I've worked before and my wife loves it and you know we she was on this, I did a couple shows there but she was on one of them

and we have friends there and I can do stand-up easily. But you usually do well there yeah, yeah, dude that was one time. Okay, it was high-thick. Yeah, yeah. No, no, I mean also, look, I mean, I'm not going like, these dumb motherfuckers.

Like, if you don't like the joke, you're not gonna like the joke and you're not going to like me. I'm not, it's what, and it's, what, five minutes,

six, seven minutes, tops. Yeah. And so you weren't, after the show, you weren't devastated? I mean,

I wasn't psyched. But I, no, I, I mean, I never get too high or too low. Wow. What's that life?

What's that life? What is going on? What are you taking? It's pretty, it's pretty awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, Butcherin? I, I mean, I really, that's, that's,

conscious effort also to not get too high and too low. Wow. To keep grounded and not be a dick. And also to not get too bummed out so that it affects me and my ability to work and just bounce back and like, okay, whatever, let's figure something else. Do you have a lot of like just kind of self-contained self-worth? I mean, I don't have it on me. Back in New York, I have.

I mean, in my office somewhere. Yeah. I got to find some, it feels. Yeah. Well, don't take mine. It's in New York. Yeah. Wow.

So do you have fun here or no? On the pod? Oh, fuck yeah. This is great. This was a treat. You know, I'm out here doing a bunch of press. I'm here for one week. You know, I flew in Sunday night.

I'm leaving tomorrow 8 a.m. flight back home. And, you know, there's a lot of stuff. is bad, but they're all kind of different flavors. And this is a great way to end, this is my last thing. Oh, cool, man. It was fucking awesome. And I, yeah,

I had a great time. I laughed a lot. I left more in the last, you know, hour and a half, two hours, whatever it is. I've laughed more than probably I have in the last week. Oh, that's... Wow. Wow. Yeah, wow. I love you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So check out David Cross's

special. It's called... There's a trailer there. Check it out on his website. Dave, across the end of the beginning of the end. Watch it now. Pretty. Wow. Did you produce that yourself? Yes. It's unexpected. Oh, no, no. It's co-produced. It's co-produced.

It's co-produced. Okay. Wow. That's amazing. So why did you pick that hat? Because I'm from Atlanta and it's at the 40 watt. Alpharetta. Roswell. Holy shit. Really?

That's crazy. But now, when I was a kid, both Roswell and Alpharetta, Roswell actually looked down on Alpharetta. Yeah. And Roswell was... Nanny more. Roswell was rural suburban. And Atlanta was not connected all the way like it is now, big sprawling, you know, L.A-fied.

But Alpharetta, which was across the river. Country. Super country. when I was growing up. So, like, what little kind of, you know, when people, it's just classic human, like, well, we may be in Roswell, but at least we're not an alpharetta with those rednecks, literally just across the river. Hocombridge Road. Hokem Bridge Road is where they separated. And if you were going past Hocombridge Road, it's like fucking redneck.

Yeah, wow. But where we were was also that. Like the high school hangout was a McDonald's. There was nothing around. But they had the audacity to make fun of Alpharetta. Yeah. Give David a round of applause, everybody. Peter, do you have a special?

What is it called? Not Bobby Lee. What is it called? Not Bobby Lee. Why did you say not Bobby Lee there? Because that's the number one comment I get on YouTube. What happened to Bobby Lee? Yeah, yeah.

Dude, you look so much older with your hair back. Older? Roasted! You got roasted by Dad. Oh, no, no, no, no. That is not a negative comment at all. That is not negative or positive. It's just an observation.

Check out my special. I look really old. I didn't say that. I did not say that. A little older. A little older. You look a little older. Hair down makes me feel young.

Littlefield? No, this is Brooklyn Comedy Collective. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, BCC. You look like you're doing work here. You're like, my hair's up. I'm doing work.

Yeah, I get hot on stage, so. How many do you shoot? Just one, which was an issue. Oh, okay. Yeah, just one. How many do you shoot when you do yours? Two. Two, yeah.

I did four, and that was a mistake. Whoa, wait. Who's good. Wait, why a mistake you burned out? No, I just, I got it in the one. Yeah. You got it the first one. Yeah, after the first.

But then you got the first. The last, which is good. The last one was great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fourth one was great, but which was the template of, you know what I mean? You're most likely, because it's your audience going to see you, you're going to do really well, you're going to nail it.

Do a second in case you do forget one little thing or just there's a technical fuck-up, but you don't need to do more than two. Well, from now on, I think two. Yeah, two or three, but anyway, David. Two or two or three? You brought it back up. I'd go four minimum. We'll try six.

Start it four. You were three. Yeah. That was a pleasure. Thank you so much. Yay.