TigerBelly - Ep 210: Andrew Santino is in The Shallow

Episode Date: September 4, 2019

Guest host Andrew invented the shooting stars. Khalyla really wants a FUBU. We talk Smashleys, Eve Teasing, cultural exploration, and a smegma ring.Support us by supporting our sponsors!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. Five, four, three, two, one. It's a me walking down the street, feeding us so good to me. Yeah, yeah. That might be the most tonally accurate version of the song that you guys will ever hear. I think the most Asian too. That's the most Asian as well, sir. Me walking down the street.

You know, that's funny that we say this. Today, I saw a mom talking to a little girl in Chinese today. Yeah. Walking down the street. And it was so cute to see a little girl talking Chinese is cute. But adult talking Chinese, it's not a pretty sounding language. But little kid, it's cute. Yeah.

It's funny because it's... Oh, yeah. See? But then adult, it's very like someone's waving. But little kid, do a little kid. What does a little kid say? Cute. Cute.

Come here. Give me a little kiss. And so I kissed a little child on the head. And now I have charges brought against me. Look at these. Look at these. These are... These are Papa's panties.

He wore those. Oh, let me smell. Oh, God, Andrew. No kids. No train tracks. You sure? You're safe. You're safe.

What is that? He wore those once for five seconds for an ad. Those are tracks. Yeah, those are some tracks. Now, is this... Maybe he was on it. Maybe it was just post-period. I don't want to say anything bad about it.

But yeah, I won't smell those. You can have those. Thank you. But they are pretty looking underwear other than the nasty poop tracks that are beneath them. That's pretty gross. You want to see my underwear? Yeah.

Wow. I am notorious for wearing old Korean lady underwear. I come all the way up. Look at that. Wow. What year were those made? When do you think those were made? What year?

I think these were probably made in the late 80s. Really? Yeah. Look. Are those bow ties or... No, no, no. Those are... Oh, yeah, they're bow...

I thought it was a little tiny five. Yeah, these are granny 5000s. I don't wear anything else. Here's what's crazy about girls can wear underwear... girls can wear clothing from when they were in junior high or high school. Yeah, I keep all my old panties. All your panties? With holes in them.

It's a... it has a comfort thing. Really? Mm-hmm. You don't... do you have clothes from when you were a kid? Yeah. Like shirts and... Shirts and stuff. Wow.

I don't have one pair of... do you have any pair of clothing from when you were a kid? Yeah. You do? My one Fubu jersey. You wear a Fubu jersey? Dude. You have your Pelle Pelle jersey that you wear around town? Oh, the Pelle Pelle.

Yeah, my Janko Jean. Pelle Pelle, you come here on time. I know Janko Jean. Janko Jean? Janko? I used to have them. You know Brandon Dürmer, he has success with Janko Jeans and every time there's a sale he sends me the link.

And you buy? I bought the last time when we both got bamboozled because he said that they were going out of business. They were. We bought like six pairs and they were out of business for one month and they just rebranded and they're still Janko Jeans. Wait, this is kind of like what happened with... who else did that? Twinkies.

Twinkies. Do you remember this? They rebranded. Twinkies was going to say they were going to discontinue making Twinkies and so there was a surge in buying Twinkies, still on the shelf. They didn't go away. They didn't go anywhere. That's like those furniture stores on Ventura closing.

Closing soon. Yeah, closing soon. 70% off. Next month. Big sale. Same sign for like 25 years. 13 years later you go in. They're like, we're about to close the shop.

If it weren't for you guys, we were going to close it up and you buy one couch and they're good for nine more years. Great business model. You know the great, the funny thing about Fubu is when I came here to America, that was my big thing, I was like, I got to get a Fubu jacket after that I got a Rockawear jacket. Did you do that? Fubu was really big on it. I love that that was your hope when you landed in America.

So I stole a pair from Macy's. Oh, geez. This is just all, you know, I didn't really, I stole a pair from Macy's. Anyways. Let's be honest. I was really, really sad to find out. I was like, for us, buy us. For us, buy us.

Right? That's what Fubu stood for. Yeah. And I looked at where it was made and all of them were made in the Philippines. So? So I came all the way from the Philippines to America to steal, to risk my life, steal a jacket in an American department store that was made in the Philippines. But how funny though, ironically, for you, by you, black people were really, what is

it called? Appropriating. Appropriating your culture. Black people appropriated Filipino culture. And I'm tired of it, black people. You've been appropriating Filipino culture for far too long. Hip hop was born in the Philippines, breakdancing was born in the Philippines. And you know it.

Stop fucking pretending like it's not. Actually, hip hop may have been born in the Philippines, maybe, and breakdancing might be born in Korea. I think breakdancing came from- Oh my God, the Koreans are insane. It's theirs. They own it. It's theirs. They own it.

If I go to a touristy destination, there's two or three black guys breakdancing, but three the Korean guys are by far the best. I don't know why that is. Korean guys are so good at breaking. Why is it? They're nimble. They're small. Flatheads.

Is it because they can spin on their heads? They're fake. These are all attributes of ninjas. Okay. Okay. Okay. Now, why doesn't the rest of Asia- I think Japanese have some breakdancers, right? No, but I think Koreans, I think in Korea it's like the thing.

I think Koreans are like the best breakdancers. I think Japanese people love hip-hop culture. Oh, they love the clothes. They love hip-hop culture, but I don't think they're into the art. What do you think about those Japanese people who wear blackface and they get into the whole hip-hop thing? Love it. I knew he loved that.

Love it. How could I not love that? How could I not? That's cultural exploration. Not appropriation. That's just them just trying it out. Why is that wrong? I don't know.

The only people that aren't allowed to do anything racist are whites, but everybody else can have a little bit of racism in them. I'm kind of nervous because I'm going to New York to an Indian wedding this weekend, and I have to wear the full getup, like the lenga. The garb. I got to wear the fake nose ring. I got to wear the tikka and all of that. You have to?

I'm a bridesmaid. Oh, shit. Yeah, you got to fit. Otherwise, you'll stand out. Yeah. Will you already be, you're not going to even answer this honestly, will you already be prettier than most of the other girls? No.

The other girls are so pretty with big old titties. Lies. Lies. You think those are big titties, George, right? Lies. Why is that? Lies. Such a lie.

I opted out of the Jai Ho dance, though. Why? Because. That's the best part. That would be the best part for me. Okay. This is where you're asking about what the other bridesmaids look like. Exploration.

Exploration. They're all very pretty, but very petite. I'm 5'8 with heels. I'd be 5'11. I'd be the tallest one. And it's an eight-minute dance. I just didn't have time to learn it. Yeah, you don't want to learn it.

That's more about what it is, you don't want to learn it. But I mean, I sort of can dance. You can. Like, I have rhythm. But not this kind of dance. Not this kind of dance. This is tougher. This.

It's a lot. It's that. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's throwing the light bulb. Don't they have bells? They have these too. I saw the moves that they're doing and they're doing these.

They're doing... Oh, don't tell. Oh, I like that. Bollywood shit, right? Real Bollywood. Oh, my God. This weekend, for the first time, I found out about the biggest Bollywood star. Shira Khan, Shira Khan Ra.

Shira Khan, yeah. What is it? Shira Khan. Shira Khan. Shira Khan. Shira Khan. Yeah, you know, you're the kind of white guy that knows that stuff. He used to direct Bollywood.

Yeah, he used to direct Bollywood movies. You are. That is who you are. That's literally who you are. You're the white guy that does shit like that. Dude, we have talked about this throughout. You, like, went on that date with that Indian schoolgirl in India. 100%.

There's no story there. You got to call my buddy for that one, because there's no story there. But it was cute. Like, he would take her to school and stuff while he lived in India. My friend was telling this story as if I was dating a Catholic schoolgirl after getting out of college. No, it was a Hindi schoolgirl. Completely forgetting that in college in India, they wear the Catholic schoolgirl outfit

as well. They do? Yeah. The Philippines, they do too. Yeah. With, like, the weird checkered skirt or whatever. That's so weird. That's so controlling and strange to me.

Wear these clothes. I always hated kids that went to Catholic or private school, because they had to wear certain clothes and I thought that was so creepy. Why would you care if the kids were the same clothes? What is that even? What's the purpose behind that? The purpose behind that is so you don't have, like, especially the school that I went to in high school didn't have uniforms, but they do now, because kids come from all different

economic, you know. Not in private schools. They have to pay for that. That's expensive. Yeah, but private schools are different. I think that... Oh, yeah, you're right. I don't understand why they do it in private schools.

I do understand why they do it in public schools, because there's a discrepancy with, like, you know, you don't want someone who does, who only has, like, three pairs of leggings, which I did. I was very poor in high school. Right. And then the one in Filipino. And they knew it, and they were like, that bitch is poor. She wears the same shit all the time.

See, but in America, to be able to go to these private or Catholic schools, you have to have money. Money. So that's the irony is they all come from money. So I think it's more of a control issue. I mean, it used to be Catholic kids that I knew that were Catholic school girls, their skirt had to be a certain length, and if it was shorter than a certain length, they get sent home.

And they get demerits? Demerits. Demerits, yes. What does that mean? Demerit. Demerits like a- You used to be tracked from your overall, like- Score?

No, moral points. Yes. Moral points. Dude, it's so manipulative. It's so disgusting. It's like you're going to hell log. You know what I mean? It's like if you check, it's like you get so many demerits, you get in trouble with getting

kicked out of school. You also have to let go. She's sniffing the underwear again. I'm not going to hug you when I leave because of that. He might spit on you. I know you miss him. I miss him too, but I don't want to smell his underwear, literally at all. Do you ever wear his underwear?

All the time we share underwear. Yikes. He wears these Korean panties. Why do you got- that's- I guess that's- that's fine. I guess it's fine. He doesn't have hips. He has a big belly. He does.

So our proportions actually work out because what he can't fit around my waist, he wears under his fat belly. Right. What he can't wear on his waist. His waist, right. He wears like a pregnant woman. So you have the same size waist? No, no, no.

We have- His hips are my waist. His- His narrow hips. See, but men- to men, I don't know, hips and waist, I just- whatever your pant, he- you could- he could wear your pants. He cannot wear my pants. He's a tiny little boy.

Yeah, but my waistline is what, 26? A pie is way skinnier than his belly. His waistline is a 52. But his hips are the same size of your hips. Yeah, he has tiny hips. Tiny hips. Tiny legs. Little baby boy hips.

Yes, little tiny hips. Little tiny hips. But he's got the cute little V. The- The V. What is that called? Like the- like the fuck cutters? That's-

The fuck cutters. Isn't that what they are? I like that. And they- cause they point down to where you're supposed to go to. That's the fuck cutters. You got the fuck cutters. I have a couple of fuck cutters. Remember in high school-

When I was young, I really had them. Remember in high school, you see the girls with the dimples in the lower back? Those were the Ashleys that always got super fucked up. Ashleys. Oh my God. Those back dimples. They were filthy, filthy horse. And now those girls- now those back dimple girls, it's their trash.

They're fat. Everything is gone awry. They're listening right now. Hey Ashley, how many Ashley's did I go to school with? And they'd always call themselves Smashley when they'd get drunk. On Saturday I'm Smashley, back up. I love Smashley, those are my favorite girls.

I'm crazy, Kalyla, I love you because you're like Asian but you're like us. Oh they'd actually say that, oh my God, Kalyla. They're like us Asian. You're like our special tropical fish. You're a tropical fish. That's exactly what one girl once Smashley called me. We like you.

You're cute, we're like pretty. Can I do your hair? Why do girls like to touch other girls' bodies so much? Girls like to do each other's hair and do your makeup. Guys don't want any guy to fucking do it. And don't get any, give me a handshake and then leave me alone. But really, you really don't desire it

or do you suppress that feeling? I don't want any other man to touch me. No other, why? So when Bobby does it, like he go grabs your butt or tries to hump you, are you laughing? It's cute. Oh, cause he's cute. Interesting.

Cause he's a fictional character in my mind. In my head, he's not a real person. He's like a, sometimes I think I made up Bobby. Like if this is a simulation. He's your imaginary friend. Exactly. That's your perfect imaginary friend. He is my perfect imaginary real friend that came to life.

But I still think he's fake. Like I still think you guys are all fake. I still think I'm in a simulation. Interesting. I think that sometimes. Like you're all valid, wonderful people, but I do think this is all a big simulation. I think I made up Bobby and I made up you guys

and you guys are this lovely crew that is a part of my world that I want. I want this to be. That's like the next level of narcissism to think that you are. You're Neo. You think you're Neo. I'm the center of the universe.

Wow. And I'll make you disappear. Watch. I really envy that. I look where I am. I shit myself. Oh, he just shit himself. Okay, everybody.

No, I think, but I do believe in simulation. I think we're a, I think we're a sim. I think we, I think we make up these things. I think you make up. You're gonna throw me into a panel. But how can I make you up if you think you're making me up? So you create, you made up my Korean panties

and I'm wearing them over or this high. Yep. So you're saying you did that? I did. Oh, okay. I absolutely did that. And look, my version of you is how I, you don't understand how I, my version, what I see you as.

You understand how you see me, but you can't understand how I see you. So you're my version. I made you up. Okay, so how do you explain all the people you dislike? Why would you create that many people? Because you hate a lot of people. I hate a lot of people.

Why did you create that many people? Let's go down the list. Because you can't have, you can't, nothing, you can't have good without bad. But how, why do you have a lot of bad? Because it, because I have a lot of issues. Is it a projection? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, it's like inception. You're creating these little. Yep, yep, yep. Here's a better example of what you're saying. People who have more positive outlook on the world, they have less negative people in their life. I have created more negativity of people that I dislike because of my own perceptions of reality.

I know, I know he believes this shit. I fucking can feel it. He dated Indian girls. He's got weird tattoos. I know he believes in this stuff. Indian school girls, yeah. Indian school girls. I'm coming around to it, I'm coming around.

How many Indian school girls did you date? School girls. How long were you there? Just one school girl. I was there a year. Okay, one school girl. He would take her to the bus. That's cool.

Yeah, he'd take her to the bus. Well, we'd have to go because they're separate, separate train cars for women and men. So I'd have to take her into the mixed, to this day? Yeah. Because of Eve teasing. Eve teasing?

Yep. So the women will get, if they're alone, they'll get teased on the bus, like pinched and stuff. So they have, or on the train, if there's, Be very specific. Okay. Pinching who? People just pinch women?

Yeah. Like sexually or? Pretty much. So they haven't- You're being so vague. Are they being sexually assaulted? Well, when she came on, she was a little scared. She was like, okay, for you,

I will come on the mixed train car. There's a mixed- You know, there's men, there's women, and there's the family ones, but the family ones sometimes men are in there, so you have to go with another man if you're gonna go on the family one. So we'd go on the mixed family one,

and she'd look around like a little bit warily, and I'd kind of like guard her from anybody else around. Did you get pinched? No, disappointingly, yeah. Do men get pinched? No. I bet you I'd get pinched. You think so?

I'm cute. You think you're pinchable? I would get pinched, oh my God. You're pinchable for sure, bro. I could see an Indian guy coming up to me. Do they say anything before they pinch you? Is there like a- No, it's just-

Where do they pinch you? What part? Tushy, on your little- I was there guarding her, but I think like, yeah, like on the ass and other places. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Tushy, Tushy, Tushy. That's intense, Jordan. I could feel just a little Indian hand come up

to my rear, pinch it on the back. I'm like, sir, he's like, sorry, man, I couldn't help it, but what do you call it? You said it's- Eve teasing. Eve teasing? Eve teasing? I just wanted to Eve teasing.

But what's Eve stand for? The first woman. So it's like just- Oh, Adam and Eve, Eve teasing. I'm thinking like, I think it's that night evening teasing. You know, like, oh, in the Eve it happens, in the dusk. That's where my brain, no, you're saying the- Just a general, like, yeah.

The biblical first two people on earth, the Eve teasing. Well, what's Adam teasing? That's when I give me on that bus. It's Adam teasing when you just blow a gun. Eve teasing is a common theme that none of us have literally ever heard of. No, I've never, yeah. God, I've never heard of Eve teasing in my life.

I mean, I know the type, the strong male culture in India and how it works there, but- I didn't think it was like that. I didn't know about the pinching. I have heard of sexual assault being common there in public places because you can get away with it. Like, I do know that that's a thing that happens where- So it's not frowned upon.

It's almost like it's a part of the thing, right? Like that women get touched in public things and nobody says anything. I was there the whole time in Bombay and that's more Western. Like women could walk around in many skirts in Bombay, whereas anywhere else in India, you would say, not even try it.

I heard it could get pretty rough around Holly. Like the Holly Festival. What? When they do that the whole like, everyone gets painted on. I hear you shouldn't be a lone woman traveler during that time in India. Absolutely, yeah.

I'm gonna say this very ignorantly. There are so many people in India. I know it's a birth control thing, but do you think they're hornier than Americans? I'll tell you something. So the Philippines is actually surpassing India in that regard. Because you're making more kids?

Yeah, that's because the Catholic church makes a lot of money from very devout poor people. And so what happens is that they don't push for family planning and birth control. So all of these poor people who don't have access to any type of birth control. Anything, right. And you know, they're not hornier.

They just fuck the same amount, but you know, produce more. No sex education. There's no sex education. I know, but even in parts of America where sex education is a heavy lack, the still per capita population does not match up to countries like that.

Like the Philippines, you mean? China, India, they reproduce at such a higher rate. Yeah, but China is a massive, massive country. So when you're talking about someplace like India and the Philippines, like the Philippines is the size roughly of California and we have over a hundred million people. How many people are in the state of California?

Look that up, Gil. The entire country is through. Your internet's down. The entire country of, the entire country of the United States is how many, 300 million, 350 million? So you're telling me one third of the U.S. fits in the Philippines.

Yeah. Holy shit. And you have to imagine the infrastructure there too. So we have 7,000 something islands, but really a lot of those islands are uninhabited. So a lot of these people are living in very, very congested areas. You wanna hear something more fucked up

about the Philippines? Yes. My motherland is that adultery, especially for women, is still a punishable crime. Adultery. There's no divorce. Oh, cheating, cheating, cheating. Yeah, adultery.

The word always throws me off adultery. I know. Because it sounds positive. It sounds like something an adult could be doing. He was adultering. He was going to the grocery store adultering. He was adultering. It sounds like a pop, a thing you are supposed.

So you can still die. You can be, what is it, stoning? What is it? No, no, no, no. You just go to prison. For instance, like my cousin right now, she married a pastor from a Pentecostal church there. And the pastor has just about fucked every woman in the city.

Oh, yeah. Because he says, okay. Pentecostal. She finally decides, I've had enough. I'm gonna leave him. Yeah. But she technically cannot start dating at all if she gets caught,

especially since he has some type of status in the community. All it takes is, he doesn't need evidence or proof. He can just report it and she could go to jail. What? Yeah. To the cops? To the cops. Right, right, right, right, right, right.

Right. I've heard about the cops there. What do you call them in the streets? What are they called? What's the informal name? Police. The police. Police.

Police. That sounds like a band. Ladies and gentlemen, the police. Hello, we are the police. An SNL. Musical guests, the police. We are the police. Walking down the street.

Walking down the street, we are the police. I think that blows my fucking mind that there's that many people in the Philippines. So a woman can serve jail time, but a man will never serve jail time for cheating. Well, men essentially made these laws. They run the game. Yeah.

They run the game. They forgive each other, but they don't forgive the women. Damn, dude, that's crazy. And another thing, fun fact about the Philippines, or maybe it's just in my own family in the Philippines, is that all the men suck dick. All my male family members have been with other men.

They carry on with their wives. And it's just something that we all knew growing up. And I didn't think to question it when I was young, but it was just something that was acceptable. And I kind of give them props for that. Is it for health reasons? What do you mean? Why is this a thing?

There's no way every single guy in the Philippines is gay. No, no, no, I'm not saying that. It's just that it's so entrenched. When you say suck dick, show me what it's like. Stop smelling that. Maybe they're dicks that are getting sucked. Maybe they're not doing the dick suck. That's what I wanted to clarify.

My mind was racing like, there's no way all of these guys enjoy sucking dick. Maybe they like getting blowjobs and they don't care if it's from a man. Right, that's the case. I misspoke. It's weird to say that that makes sense, but it does make a lot of sense.

I get it. I get there's plenty of men who can't get an affection from the opposite sex that they may be attracted to. So if they could get a blowjob from a guy, I assume they would go fine. At some point, you'd go fine. My cousin Daniel, he's in prison now for running drugs and all that in the Philippines.

Anyways, he just, whoever- You're using that like a fat black comic would on stage. If you look like you're on family, you'd go see the show. Like a deaf comedy jam. Like, man, it's hot on this motherfucker's with panties. But whoever's available is who we allow to get his dick sucked.

In prison. No, anywhere. Oh, because I was gonna say, in prison, that is the rule. Like in prison, the joke is always that like, there's guys in prison like thugs, like hardcore fuck you up thugs that are cool with gay shit in prison

because that's your prison bitch. And that is a woman in prison, you know? They're considered a woman in prison. And outside of prison, it didn't happen. It doesn't happen. It happens in there, it doesn't happen outside. It's a very don't ask, don't tell policy. We're gonna take a moment for our sponsor.

Can we say something better before the sponsor? Can we say something nicer before we get off it? You look great today. Thank you. Okay. Wiping the sweat off your brow. It's not that dirty. It's not dirty.

It's the idea. Like, do you, when you use a towel, do you and Bobby share? Do you wanna touch my hands? Nope, I won't touch your hands. Okay, exactly. Well, no, did they sweat it off? Have you touched your hand before?

Yes, I have touched your hands, but I'll touch your hands prior to that. Oh. Do you and Bobby share towels out of the shower? Yeah. Nope, nope, nope, won't do that. You don't know, what about your wife? Are you kidding me?

No, nobody. Am I, no, it's not germs. It's like, give me, let's make up a phrase, private comfortability. Would you let her use your towel? No. Like, it'd be like if we had to, but I'm like, why?

Get your own, we have enough money to buy new, other towels. Get your own towels. You're so my arte. Yes, yeah. And you know what? And you know what? Proud to be.

Proud to be. Arte. I have a dick side and a face side. I have a dick and butt side of my towel and a face side of my towel. You know what? I do too. And what are the corners for?

Huh? What are the corners for? Anus. In your hole. In your hole. Oh, really? That's what I use for. Is it for your grundle and your anus?

Yeah, and your undergarments. No, I only use the corners because I hang it. So corners are only for my face. Middle is only my asshole. So if the towel is hanging, I never accidentally touch the asshole part of the towel on my face. That's interesting because I rest the towel around me,

so my butthole doesn't touch any part of the towel. When I go to wipe my undercarriage on my butthole, that's when I grab a corner of it. But it's the corner that is the penis and butt corner, the penis and butt side of the towel. I gotta see the map of this towel. You know how you don't identify which side is which? Brown.

The tag. Oh, the tag. That's true. Tag side's always the inside. What's your identifying factor? You don't know, do you guess? Tag side, tag side. Tag side, baby.

Tag side. You know why I don't make friends with? No matter how much I like a girl I first meet. Let me guess. If I see her wipe back to front, I'm out. I'm out of that. Why are you watching me do it? Wait, do girl?

No, every girl knows that it's front to back. Shut up. Some girls wipe back to front. Oh, that are white girls. Seems dangerous. Well, white girls are filthy, filthy beasts. A lot of smash lice. A lot of smash lice.

With a back dimple. Actually, smash lice seems like the girl that doesn't wipe at all. You know what I mean? Or does a dab or does like a tap and throw it away. Little paper towel, like I'm not dribbling anymore, a tap. Do you leak? Discharge, of course.

No, no, no, just like pee. When you're done peeing, do you ever get a dribble or two? No, I don't. Funny, we have to deal with that. There becomes a time in a man's life when your penis just leaks a little bit. After women have children, that's something that's really common.

Yeah, but we just have a penis. It doesn't know, no kids can come out of it. I'm more involved. My foreskin catches it. Oh, you have foreskin? That's a penis. Is it like a well? It's kind of like a pea catcher.

You do have to clean it. If you don't clean it, you get an infection. I really, this is going to sound really gross, but I kind of want to see what your schmagma looks like. He doesn't get it because he cleans it enough. But let it accumulate for two days and then send me a pic. Thank you so much for knowing that. You don't look like someone that has schmagma.

I'm going to tell you, my buddy works in the ER in Chicago. He sends me stories all the time. A guy came in. And a lot of times this is crazy. So a lot of times people have terrible infections like STDs, but they're afraid to go in to the doctor because they're nervous. Either they don't want to tell their significant other

because they caught it from someone else or they're just freaked out about sexual health. It's a huge plague. He was telling me, it's like, people are so scared to admit they have something so they put it off and it gets worse and worse and worse till they can't take it. So they come to the ER, this guy comes in.

He's like, I'm having unbelievable pain in my penis. And they're like, did you hurt it? Did you hit it? Nothing, nothing. And my buddy's instinct is, well, he has an STD. He's waited too long. He's got the clap and now he's peeing fire. And the guy, I mean, dude, they deals with it

on a daily basis because people go to the ER because they don't want to tell their, sometimes they're underage, they don't want to tell their parents. They're afraid mom and dad will freak out if they find out they're having sex at 15 and they caught something. Anyway, there's a grown man in his 20s.

He comes in and they say, well, let's take off your pants, let's check it out. He takes out his penis and he's got foreskin. And underneath the foreskin is mini donuts. You know, Enemons mini donuts, you know? Yeah, I love those. It looked like, you won't know, it looked like a mini donut was underneath his foreskin.

His schmagma ring? Schmagma ring. Listen. That's the only kind of ring I want. They pulled it back. They pulled it back, his foreskin and the pain was so intense, he passed out. Oh, my God.

It hardened. It hardened around. It calcified. Calcified around his pain and they had to, he passed out, they woke up and the pain was so intense, he was screaming and freaking out. They had to put him under to perform this. Good God.

The quote unquote surgery to get rid of the ring of bacteria that had built up around his pen. And also, he's alive and fine. Shout out to dude with that penis ring wherever you are. Cedar Sinai. Cedar Sinai. I want it on this finger. It could fit.

Let me see. That ring ringer again? That's the kind of ring you really want. God, that's so embarrassing. The Schmagma ring? Yeah. Well, you have shitty parents if no one says, hey dude, pull it back and.

Also, at some point, wouldn't you just. Master bag. Yeah, figure it out. Wouldn't your dick get hard and you would figure out something's wrong? He never pulled the sleeve. He never pulled back the sleeve. Maybe he doesn't need to do it that hard.

I don't need to touch myself that much to get off. It's honestly, I. Really? Oh, yeah. I have to pull this thing off my body and he won't get off. The fucking, I'm just. I'm like tenaciously ripping my penis

anymore as I get older. Can you masturbate without porn? Yes. Literally impossible. I've never done it. Have you done it? I mean, as an adult, when I was younger, you could masturbate to your brain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a grown. I don't do it as often just because I'm lazy and if I know it's available, then. Yeah, yeah, so that's what I'm saying. Why not speed it up? Yeah, because you get desensitized after a while. It depends if you're watching more intense porn

as time goes on. That's how I feel. Bobby watches the Super HD ones and he goes through like an entire arc, everything. Have you seen him? We have never seen him. Choose his porn? It's like a whole thing.

He watches like 16 trailers before he actually like settles on one. That's too much work. That's a lot. I kind of just pick one and go for it. Yeah, I'm easy in that regard. I don't need a HD. Like whatever first thing comes up on.

So does he pay for it? He pays for the. He subscribes. He subscribes to the. Shut up. For the HD. Shout out to our sponsor. He subscribes?

I didn't know people subscribed to. Yeah, he's a porn freak. Yeah, but I mean like there's porn freaks that just love to watch tons of porn. Wait, how does the porn industry make money now with like Pornhub? Cause that's all free. Cause they're selling ad space.

Oh, it's that model. You know how on Pornhub there's still pop-ups? Yeah. That's how. Also, I think the government is subsidizing it. I really believe that. I'm dead serious. I think the government subsidizes

the porn industry secretly. I genuinely believe that. That makes sense. I think the government is giving a stipend of money to the porn industry because they know that people need it. And if it died and it wasn't able to continue, there would be some kind of gross underbelly, shady, like unregulated version.

And the government knows that that would be really, really detrimental to society. I truly believe that they're. I mean, look, one of the largest factions in the government is the alcohol, tobacco, and firearms. That's true. Makes sense. They support murder and alcoholism

and rampant death through alcohol. Why wouldn't they support porn? It's like the third largest industry in the world. Makes sense. We'll be right back with our sponsor, which is Pornhub. That was such a serious talk about. But I really do believe it. I'm learning more and more about what I think

gets subsidized by the government. Creepy shit. Like I think they fund a lot. With this Jeffrey Epstein stuff, I believe that the government fund. I think the government is chill with so much shady shit. Think about how much they hear you on your phone. Think about how much they log what we're doing

and saying on your phone. And I know people like, they're not listening to you. That's so dumb. And they would go, why would we waste time listening to every person's phone call? It's like, because you have the ability to do so. If you can, why wouldn't you? You would.

I could imagine someone in a room, they pay a guy that looks just like Jordan, to sit in a room, seriously. And you just random phone calls all day, get clicked in. And he sits there. He's got his little tiny little earbuds. And he's licking the air. You know, he's like, I'm just eve teasing.

He's eve teasing. I'm just eve teasing the phone call. And he logs in whatever sets him off. He sends it into the government. And they compile these lists. And so they're trying to organize and understand society. Do you know? If someone were to surveil you and say,

look through a glass window, say, for instance, would they find your life to be interesting on day to day? Me? Yeah, like what are your? Nope. You pick your nose a lot? Nope. Nope.

The only thing that I'd be embarrassed about getting out, like the one thing I probably wouldn't want people to know is like, sometimes after I work out, the smell of my booty on my shorts. But I can see that through a glass window. Do you smell it? Do you sniff it? Sometimes I smell it.

OK, but you know what? That's a smart thing to do. That's what your nose is for, to assess the damage. Yeah, I want to see how stinky the butt sweat is. And it's so intriguing that scent, man, when it hits you right here. It's real. It's in your lymph nodes.

Are you the guy that also smells your like clip toenails? I do. I smell my floss. Yep. I do floss, yeah. Yeah. You have to. I have to.

It's human nature. I saw there was a video on Twitter that was inaccurate, but I wish it was real of Kanye West eating earwax. Did anybody see that? You know, I used to eat earwax when I was a baby. You did? So when I saw him, I was like, yeah, no big deal. Oh, it's so crazy to me.

You know, they're like little bitters. They're like little bitters? Like, you know, bitters that you add to your drink? Oh, Jesus. Like for an old fashioned cocktail? Mixology? What is the other one called? Capers.

They're like little capers. Yeah. Like little ear capers. When I saw Kanye do that, I was like, whoa. Somebody tweeted, this is your king? I thought that was so smart. I was like, oh, that's very funny. But truth be told, I see so many people

pick their nose and eat it now. I'm not even surprised anymore. I see it all the time. Bobby eats his boogers. No. I mean, there wouldn't. If you took a poll online of who'd be surprised that Bobby ate his boogers, it'd be 100% not at all.

One guy, one idiot would be like, he does? One moron. I see people in traffic pick their nose and eat it so much. But people used to be conspicuous about. Like, I mean, they would discreet. They would discreet, they would hide, they would do that thing. They do that. No.

I see people in traffic dig it. I see guys look at it, and they roll it. They roll it. I see it. And then they eat it. Rolling is the. That's the fun part. That's the fun part.

I roll it after I pick my nose, but I have to throw it away at some point. I have another question. When you throw it away, do you just flick it in the air and just let it land where it wants to land? Or do you have a destination? This is really fucked up, but if I'm in public and I pick my nose, sometimes I flick it at people,

hoping that it would stick to their shirt. I'm dead serious. Sometimes I see a guy, and I'm like, I'm going to flick a booger on a fucking guy. And I get a booger, and I'll just roll it for long enough. Hey, man, what's up? And then I walk by, and I try to get it on their shirt, because it's funny to watch a booger stick to a shirt.

Hey, you have a fun life. What other games do you play with people? It's life. Life games with Andrew Shanti. I do a lot of weird, I mean, I do a lot of weird in public things with other people. I really like to make up huge, massive lies about who I am and what I'm doing and where I'm going.

It's my favorite thing. If I'm in a storefront and I'm buying something. So I'm like TSA. Hey, man, where are you traveling to? Actually, I'm going to Sacramento today. Oh, cool. What do you do there? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm not supposed to really talk about it if I'm being honest, but it's at night when you look up at the sky. Yeah. You know, there's shooting stars, quote unquote? That's not shooting stars. That's my company. The shooting stars are your company? It's my company shooting stars.

We're called the shooting stars, the company. And we make these little things that we throw up into the atmosphere, and they buzz around. And we're making wishes. It's we're making wishes. Are you lying, sir? Yes. Oh.

I'm going up there. No, I'm just, yeah, no, I am lying. Like a Truman show. Yeah, it is a Truman show. I'm going up to Sacramento. Truth be told, I am going up there to bury a family member, but it's OK. We didn't really know her that well, you know?

And what's your good mom? We'll find. I don't really know. But yeah, we're going to, we're in bury my mother. Sorry. Yeah, that's OK, man. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, I'm kidding, dude.

My mom is in Chicago. Hey, man, all right, cool. You guys are so fast, I would honestly worry to be any of your friends. That we could just make no sense. You could just lie, and you don't. Bob is the same way. Yeah, but you know, like when I'm nervous,

or when I'm anxious about a thought, I blink excessively. Yeah, you go into it. You go stone cold, like just bold-faced lie, and you don't even twitch anywhere. You just kill like drama auditions. You're so subtle. Yeah, but you know what? Like procedural.

You have to look a certain way for drama. When you see drama people on TV, they all kind of look the same. Do you know what I mean? They all have a, well, they all look theatrical. Like people that are good at musicals are so fucking good on TV drama stuff, because they do this thing with their face and their eyes

that I don't really, I know I can, but it creeps me out. I don't like it. I don't like drama TV is always so sensationalism. It's so like, well, where were you? Well, where were you? It's like that. Oh, it creeps me out so much. It's like, I know what it is.

I know I know. You're doing the tiny thing they do. I know how to know how to do it, but it creeps me the fuck out. Like there's this great scene. What was fucking Tony Sopranos' wife's name? What's her name? Why can't I think of her fucking name?

Edie Falco. So good. Edie Falco, there was one scene in Sopranos. I'll never forget it. He's coming home from having sex with that hooker. I mean, the stripper girl from the nightclub, the young girl. Wow, what was that actress's name?

She was so good. And he walks in the door, and Edie Falco walks down the stairway into the light, like out of the shadows. And he stops. He's like, what are you doing up? And she goes, don't embarrass me, Tony. And then slips back into the darkness.

And I was like, wow, it was so sexy. Because she knew he was fucking that girl. She knew he was up to no good, but it was so, like the way she did it in her face is like, don't embarrass me, Tony. It was like, I'll kill you. I'm also scared and sad. She did all these things at once.

It's drama's hard, dude. Good drama. That's why when we see good drama, you can tell there's a big difference. That's why you just know right away. You know when Breaking Bad was a good TV show, because you're like, oh, this is just good. I know these all these people are good.

It's almost like they didn't find anybody. It's like they find so many good people. You almost don't believe it. You're like, all these people are good at this? Nobody was a bad actor on that show, unless I'm wrong. Was somebody bad on the show? Was anybody? No.

Not that I can remember. That's how I feel about the crown. Do you watch the crown? No, but my old ball and chain does. The bag at home. She loves that fucking show. The old bag. The old fat sack at the house.

She loves the crown, dude. I don't like British stuff. I like British comedies. I think British comedy television is some of my favorite shit that's ever been invented. British shows. Have you seen Chewing Gum? No.

You'd love that, wouldn't you? My god. Chewing Gum? But yeah, you have to watch it. Is it a BBC show? It's a BBC show. So I love, I'm typing it in right now. I love Chewing Gum BBC.

Do you watch Fleabag? I like Fleabag. Fleabag is very good. Very well done. Second season is perfection. Very well done. I think British comedies and British slighty comedy where it's not even like on the nose,

but it's a part of the culture there, is my favorite fucking television. But I don't like historical British, like the crown kind of thing is not. I'm also super anti-royal family. I'm so anti. I think they're just bags of trash people and they don't deserve any fucking attention.

They're disgusting. The queen were stolen diamonds. They robbed, raped, killed, murdered, slaughtered, stole, overtook, overthrew. They're bad people and they have a shiny house in the middle of the town. And now we follow them because they are having babies and the babies become part of this thing.

It's fake. They put their fucking fate, they put that queen, that ugly face of hers, on the money in Canada and it's repulsive. They have no governmental attachment anymore. That would be like us putting the Kardashians on our money. It's bozo shit. That's bozo, bonkers, weirdo shit.

She's a kook bag. She can fucking die. All that whole family, the only good thing that was about, the only cool thing about that family was the affair that Princess Di had with. With Dory Elfayed? And JFK. No, no, hold on.

She had an affair. She had an affair. No, sorry, I said Dory was after. Why'd I say JFK? I was like, damn, that's breaking news. His ghost had an affair with her. Who did she have an affair with? What's that guy's name?

It wasn't an affair. Robert Kardashian. And that's how the third one was born. I don't know. She had, Clip this whole thing please. She had a hot affair. She had a hot affair with a hot guy.

I've seen the pictures of the guy. The hot guy, it wasn't an affair. It was after she and Prince Charles split. No. Who are we talking about? Diana? Princess Diana. She was with Dory Elfayed

and that other hot guy, you're right. Yeah, another hot guy. And then that's why they killed her, dude, cause she couldn't stay in the family. She was too, she was too fun for that family. Anyway, I don't like the British family. I don't even think, I don't think British friends of mine

like the Royal family. I don't think anybody. But Americans love. Not true. It's sad Americans like the British family. Intellectual Americans don't fucking, educated Americans don't like them. I know this is mean and rude to say.

Say it. But uneducated Americans are some of the scariest people on earth. They like dog shit, trash, stupid, mindless, nonsense, bullshit. They bought into it. They think it's, they think the British fam,

the Royal family is Disney. Do you know what I mean? It's a lie. It's this fake like, perfect, can you meet your prince, prince, the word meeting a prince and a prince? It's gross, it's disgusting. Wait, so you don't watch any garbage,

non-intellectual TV? No, no, no, I'm not saying that. I'm not, by the way, I'm not a smart guy. I'm smarter than the people I'm talking about. That's right. But I'm not. But I watch. When my brain needs a reprieve.

Yeah, what are you? Let's say I watch a lot of like Dr. Bodden and fucking diagnosis on Netflix. Sometimes I tune into Love Island. I know, but, okay, I guess this is what it is. I don't like, I don't like falsified love because it's, I think we have a distorted perception

of what relationships and love are in our reality already. I think those things feed into a negative, negative beast. That's the one thing Bobby and I very much agree on is that when people publicize their love in a way that's so fucking unrealistic, it sets everybody up for failure. It's been. Because it's like, even in those YouTube proposals,

that shit drives us crazy. Well, here's, and this is maybe a little sexist. But fact, it does more damage to women than men. And it's disgusting because impressionable women see those things. And I think they feel like they can still find that unobtainable prince charming love thing. And that's fake bullshit.

That's not, you fall in love with people not because they're perfect for you, but because like it, there's something about a person that you get and they get you. It's not like he has all the things it lined up. The checklist. Yes, it's bullshit.

That creates a fake checklist. In fact, Bobby does not. He doesn't hit any checks. Has a single box on my criteria on, none. None, maybe one, funny, humor. Yeah, but I mean, except for he's got a job and he's funny, everything else. Everything else.

Especially in like the physical criterion, not a single check. Can you show, answer your folder? What folder? The folder of X's. My X files? Can you show up the X files, please? No.

I want it. No, no, no, no, no. See, but he's not like, Eric will be like, yeah, that guy is cute. I feel like he would be like. I think he knows what's cute. Show me. I think he knows what's cute.

I am admitting enough. I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality where I can admit when a guy's good looking. For sure, without a doubt. No, let's not play this game. Maybe at the end of it all. Maybe. When he said show Andrew your folder,

I was like, is that an euphemism? Show him your labia, right? A vagina could be called a folder. Touch my folder. Go to the files. Go to the files, go to the files. What would a penis be called then? What goes into a folder?

Documents, what else goes into a folder? Pocket pussy behind you? Is it? It is, it's a fleshlight. Oh wow, speaking of folders. Love these. You can have them. By the way, this is, no, is this the alien one?

No, that's a fleshlight. No, I know, but there's an alien. A model of a fleshlight? That looks like a car part. This is the turbo fleshlight. This thing makes you come super, super fast. Does it turn on? You have to do it.

I do have Dick Envy. Can I tell you something? One time I, so they, I met these guys, the fleshlight people in Austin, Texas, and they're really good people and they send me a bunch of these. And the first time I ever tried to use it, I didn't open up the error chamber at the bottom.

You, so you have to loosen this up so a little bit of error can, cause the suction, and I kept it closed. And it was so hard to put my penis in there. I was like, ooh, this is tight. Maybe I got a big old dick. I thought maybe like my dick was big, but then I read later, like you have to like

get a little bit of suction air release. Although, you know, clearly. Then your dick just fell in there. Yeah. And it didn't even touch the sides. It didn't even touch the sides. My penis is so small, it didn't even touch the sides of these things.

My penis is extremely long. It's like 14 inches, but it's pencil width diameter. So my dick went right through here, but I couldn't feel the sides. So I had to take this off, my penis came out the other end. It's disgusting to think that this is like the cum catcher cup.

This is what that is. It is, that's literally what this is. That's, this is the cum catcher. Anyway, these things are great. They're good for your grandmother. It's a good graduation gift, a good spring break gift. These things are fun. Yeah, use the promo code Santino.

Use the promo code Santino for the TurboFleshlight. Make it come fast. Embarrass your family, by the way, but let somebody find this over Thanksgiving. Do a bit. God, yeah. This is what's silly though, about male sex toys. This is big.

All male sex toys are getting bigger as time goes up. This is still big and chunky. I know this is a discreet, but it's huge. A sex doll, it's huge. Girl sex toys, tiny, discreet. You can hide them. You can hide all your toys. Everything of yours can be put in a bedside drawer.

It's true. This can't be put in a fucking cabinet. You couldn't even put it in a cabinet. It's big and chunky in there. So I wish we had, I wish there could be like a, I wish they made like a soft little, like a little snow, but like a little sleeve, like a little tiny little sleeve,

and you drop it onto your penis and it surrounds your penis and it does. Nano technology. Yes. What do you iron man? Yes. And I wanted to jerk me off of a remalibu cliff. And then when you're done, you take it off,

and then it curls itself up into a small thing and you wash it under water and it's clean again. Anyway. We would just be obsolete. We're working on it. He said fat sack. That's true. No matter how advanced sex toys get,

we'll always need human touch. I think sex toys will be gone. You don't even want people to touch you. Only people that I want to touch me. I don't want strangers. I don't like to touch strangers. I don't like to touch strangers. I'll touch everybody in this room.

I'll hug everybody in this room. I don't like to touch and hug and touch or get close to people that I have no association or affiliation with. I don't like, people are dirty and gross. The more you're out in public, the more you see how filthy people are. I don't want them near me.

I don't want them, I don't want them, I don't like their stuff. You know who else is, like I was looking at like a... I'm weird about scalps. Scalp in what way? Someone's head. Scalp smell. Oh, smell.

Oh, how your hair smells? Yeah, so I'm not really weird about any other type of smell. Like I could smell asshole and that's fine. I could stick my face in someone's asshole and be like, okay, I'm okay with that. I don't like scalp smell. I don't like when people's scalps are dirty.

Okay. And it's that same thick smell like when you walk into an elevator and you're like, this smells like a human, like a person. It's usually their dirty fucking scalp. Yeah, I know what you mean, dude. I was at, yes, I was at Warby Parker today trying on sunglasses and somebody's face

and head scalp had left forehead. What is this part of? The bridge of your nose grease on a pair of glasses. And I wanted to fucking punch everybody in there. It grossed me. I saw it and I was like, I wanted a fucking yard because it was nose bridge grease on the Warby Parker glasses.

And I was like, that is people, people gross people. Yeah. I don't like it. When I go to the gym and I see women really, really sweaty but then they're too lazy to jump in the shower. So they just blow dry their sweaty hair. I am out of there. Yucky, yucky girls.

Not good. When I shower at my gym, by the way, I purposely dry off for a long time because I kind of want to compare my penis to other guys' penises. Like I don't put on clothes right away. What have you gathered? I'm pretty good.

I'm somewhere, I'm like right in the middle. There's a couple of guys there that have pretty big penises. But it's nice as a guy to see another guy's penis that's either comparable or smaller because you're like, all right. Have you ever seen a micro-pean? It feels good.

Hey, buddy. I've never seen a micro-pean. I was in love with a guy with a micro-pean. Oh, that's right. I would have married him. I would have still been with him if he just accepted me. What? If he just let me in his life forever.

How do you deal with a micro-pean? I still, when I think about him, I still get this feeling in my stomach because I was so in love with him when I was a teenager. Wait, did you have sex with him? We couldn't. Yeah. So what would you do if you married him?

You couldn't have any sexual relations with a guy? I just really liked him. Yeah, but you would, I'll grow that. You'd need some kind of sexual satisfaction. I mean, we'd probably put a strap on. Not, that's, it just. Well, would it, well, how would it be any different than me

like dating a woman then, right? Well, it depends on if you enjoy penetration. Do you like penetration? Yeah, but he could still penetrate other ways. I wouldn't be more worried about him not getting, you know. What do you mean penetrate other ways? Pleasure. Fingers?

Fingers, strap on, stilt those. We have so many other contraptions. I know, but the feeling that there are, there are, there was a chemical reaction from the skin of a penis touching the inside of a vagina that women react. Is that the chemical? Yes, there's something that happens.

Yeah, but I'm at that age now where I couldn't give two shit what goes up inside. Inside your pussy? You don't care. You don't care about chemicals. I'll take that mountain valley water. You could not, you could, could you put this whole thing inside of you?

No. No? I'm very, I'm probably wide. You're shallow. But I'm shallow. You're shallow. Yeah. Good song.

What is that called? Good song. That's what they were talking about. In the shallow, shallow puss. Clalala. Clalala, shallow puss. Give me a shallow, shallow puss. Give me a shallow puss.

Clalala, clalala. What's her name? What's her song? What's her verse? What is her verse? I don't even, that's all I know is in the shallow. Hold on. What is the, how does the beginning go, Guild?

Tell me something, boy. Tell me something, boy. Yeah. Tell me something, boy. There it is. Do you mind a shallow puss? And he goes, shallow puss. I love me some shallow puss.

So you're shallow. I think so. I think my lady's shallow too. I think cause it, when it, I'm not that big. I'm not, I'm not, I'm normal. I'm average. I feel the back though. Sometimes when we go from certain angles,

it's not comfortable. And I'm like, oh, that's interesting. There you go. It must be the shallowness. Cause I'm not. I'm not comfortable with a lot. I actually had not comfortable with putting a tampon up. But I have a girlfriend of mine who wants it

all the way up her throat. Like she, she has a very, very deep. She, the bigger dick, the better. She is a size queen. She does not. She could never fall in love with a micropeen like I can. See, I always wonder about that. Girls that want really, really well endowed men,

do they enjoy sex at some point? Or is that, that is, that must be kind of psychological for them to just, it's a, it's a conquerable thing. I don't know if it, you can't, there's no way it, cause they say the most, the most intimate feelings, the most sensitive feelings of the vagina are within like an inch of the, of the inside of the vagina. The depth doesn't do it.

There's nothing else inside of the G spots in the top. Yeah. You're not hitting something deep in there that's making the thing happen. It's, to me, it's psychological. It's like the conquering of cock. What's the name of my next special? Yep.

Yep. Write that down, Josh. The conquering of cock coming out May 2020 on Netflix. So you're saying I could never marry and fall in love truly. With a micro penis male? With my dream boy. Nope, you couldn't. Only because I think, I'm not saying he doesn't deserve love.

I'm saying it's not for you. As your position. As your, as a professional, as a professional love physician, I don't think so. Okay. Ask me, look, nobody knows more than me at giving advice, but not taking it. So I'll say this, you always have deserved love

and you didn't always get it. That's why you accepted micro penis guy because you, because, you know, you thought you loved, but you found real love in someone like Bob because he doesn't really know how to give it. Yeah. That actually makes a lot of sense. Damn, dude.

Deep. Dang. Where's Dr. Drew now? Yeah, Dr. Drew, I'm coming for your funkin job. That's not very shallow of you. I was deep. Okay, so. I care about what I care about.

Let's say, let's suppose you meet a woman and she has all the traits of your wife now, all the things that you love, all the things that you're interested in. Four months, three months, maybe how long? Two months of dating. And she's very hesitant about getting sexual with you. And you find out later that she's not just shallow,

but too shallow for you to fully enter her vagina. So only half of your dick could ever get in there. I'm out. You're out? Out. I like to go all the way. I want to go all the way in. I like to let it sit.

The ball's deep. I have to go ball's deep. I have to go all the way in. Because I see guys that are too big and they don't have the ability to go all the way in. I've seen that in Porno when they're too big and they can go a half way or something. And he's missing out.

He's missing out on so much that he doesn't know. All the way is so nice. All the way is like. So you would not be with your wife, but what happened? If I couldn't go all the way. Yeah, I wouldn't, no chance. No chance. I wouldn't be with any girl that couldn't go all the way.

Also, I'm not that big. It's like, if you can't take this, man, it's so fucking pathetic. You're fucking, your vagina's a loser. Your folder sucks. You can't even fit one file in there. It's not even a big file. I think, I think, I don't think sex is in everything

in relationships, but I think there's something about going all the way in that's like this connection. When the dick goes all the way in that moment, there's a thing that happens in your brains. When it's like, like, it's also when the dick goes all the way in, it's like a perfect fit. You know how the iPhone case comes off of the iPhone perfectly?

You know what I mean? Or it slides and it's like. Yeah, it's perfect. It's like space. The little kind of. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, when you close a laptop, the way that feels.

Perfect. Ooh, that's it. It's perfect. The sides match up perfect. I love stuff like that. Nobody ever marries the people. How about this? How about this?

You know when you close a fridge and the suction? Oh yeah. I don't know what that's like. We have a 1960s fridge. That's true. I'm gonna get you a new fridge. I'm gonna get you a new fridge. We're gonna buy you a brand new fridge.

You have a 1960s fridge. Look at our fridge. It can't make ice. It can't, we don't, I haven't had ice in years. Yeah, it's so funny. That's so funny to have so many other privileged parts of your life like happening. Like you guys live well, life is good,

but ice is the thing that you're like, we don't have ice. You know, I intentionally do this to myself. I intentionally not, I don't like having mod cons in my life. I'll shower cold. Shut up. I swear, I tell George this all the time.

But why? I don't like to feel so, I don't wanna get too comfortable in this life in case it goes away. I wanna, I grew up really, I had a rough upbringing in my teens. And I wanna be able to not lose all my survival skills. Okay, I respect that.

I understand that. That's why, like I keep myself in check a lot about stuff. Like there's still times when I go, I shouldn't be paying for that. So I'm not gonna, right? Like I know people that, you know, I know friends that have a lot of money and they don't think twice about literally anything.

And I'm like, you should think twice about some stuff. Like, even if you can afford it, you should, your brain should still, look, I have, this will never leave me. I think it's embedded in your DNA. That's why I think you shouldn't be scared because I never had money. And now even today, I cannot buy stuff from me.

It's really hard for me to like go shop. It's like, you need jeans. Like, look, this whole, like, I need jeans. You and I are the exact same way I regard. But I'm like, I just, because when I go to get the jeans. I was a bigger shopper when I had less money. Oh my God, I spent more money having,

I spent more money on things that like, I just, I really kind of just wanted because I knew it was like a little bit of satisfaction, a little bit of happiness when I had almost no money. Then now that I could afford it, there's something about it that I'm like, I don't, I'm the same way. It's really weird.

This new house that we got, you know, we have those. The house in Malibu on the beach. In the mountain Malibu. Yeah. It has, in the master bathroom, is a really fancy, colder toilet with all, it basically massages your bathroom.

Oh, those are the fucking best. I cannot, I want, I'm asking them to change it into regular analog toilets. Oh, it's so, I felt, I don't have one of the, I felt those. You know why can I tell you why though? They're amazing. Can I tell you why?

You can't courtesy flush. Ah, because everything's automatic, it has to wait for you unless you do this, unless you do this. Oh God. Lift and then come back down. You can't, I'm all about courtesy flushing. Just like technology.

Does it play music? It does everything. Oh, because the ones in Japan, they play music and stuff. It's so, he knows, look at him nodding. So they play music so people can't hear when you pee. Oh, it's so forward. If you're having a bad bathroom day,

if you're having the ploops and the plops, you know, and you just turn on a little bit of music and no one can hear it, I think that's, ugh, I'd pine for those. Can I have your toilet? You can have my toilet. That's what it says. Arigato, Mr. Santino.

When you shit, it goes, plump plump, arigato. Arigato. Plump plump, arigato, arigato. It says arigato to cover up every time you poop. You're like, arigato. If it's big, it's, gong. I want your toilet.

Give me your toilet. So we have a pool in Matt and our house in Malbuya. In Malbuya? Yeah. It's on the ocean already, but you still wanted a pool? Right, so we have this pool and I put my weight belt on

and I go to the bottom of the pool and I clean out all the leaves from the bottom. She does do that. Shut up. That's just what I do. You don't have a pool person? I mean, we could and we could afford it, but why when I can clean my own pool?

But do you balance the chemicals in the pool? That's more important than cleaning of the pool is fine, but like you have to balance the- Yeah, every couple weeks we'll have someone come in, check the PA. Okay, so you have a pool person? Yeah, but it's not like he doesn't clean, I clean the leaves

because I just don't want to get that comfortable. I don't want to live so richly that I've forgotten how to be dope, basically. Yeah, how to be a pro. Right, well, what did they say? They say that like the more money that you make, the less that you could be in touch with the common person. So if you are not being conscious about it

and you're in a job, we're in a industry where being in touch with what's going on is very important and being in touch with kind of people as a whole, you lose that. Look, I hope Eddie Murphy's standup special is fucking incredible, but I'm scared it's gonna be dog shit.

I'm very scared because he's so long- He's been rich for a really long time. Too long, I don't even know who he is. Like, that's creepy to me because some of the beauty of a standup comic is like you kind of know who they are. The best parts about Bobby are because people know, you know Bobby.

That's why he's very funny. And that doesn't happen for everybody, but for guys like Eddie who was so personal and funny and like you knew him, and then now I have no fucking idea who that guy is. I don't know who that guy is. And could you even take any of his ideas seriously? I don't, I just don't, I just,

I hope it's incredible, I hope it blows my mind. Because this isn't like so much of comedy, it's like social commentary. It's like what kind of... He's like, you know when you're in a helicopter? Yeah, yeah, exactly. And like you fucking, and you see another buddy of yours in another helicopter.

And you're like, pull over, pull over, let's meet up, you know? I think his whole special should be that, like that. But that would be funny though. That would be funny though. That would be fucking funny. But see, that's what, that's my, so that's my, that is my optimistic part.

It goes, he can make anything funny. He was so smart and funny when you used to see him do it, that it's like, he'll make that genius. I just, that worries me when people get so out of touch. Cause it happens, I'm not just saying just in comedy, this happens in the world, in life. People get so out of touch when success comes. They have no idea how to, yeah.

This is, okay. Maybe I've told this before on here. Do you know who George Soros is? The guy who broke the Bank of Manhattan or whatever. I was at a house party one time with his son. I shouldn't say that cause he's a person. They can look him up now, fuck it. It doesn't matter.

This was years ago. He's a nice kid, his kid. But he had sent, we had asked someone that at this house party, there was a house guy. It's like a slave, if I'm being real. They like own a person, they make him go do stuff. It's a slave, it's a slave, it's a slave, it's literally a slave. Oh, except they pay him, but whatever.

Also he was white, so let's, I should make that clear. Just because I knew how weird that sounded. It's like they had a black, no. But they had, and he, they were giving him money to go get liquor and steaks. He wanted steaks. And he was like, how many steaks? And he's like, there's six of us having steaks.

And he handed this, handed this man, George Soros' son, handed this man, I mean, $100 bills is all he had. And it was like this big. So that's kind of be, I don't know, $1,000, $2,000, whatever. And he handed it to him and he's like, that should be enough. And I was like, where the fuck are you going to buy steaks? Where it would be even close to being, like,

I just, and it realized, he doesn't know how much steaks cost. He doesn't know how much fucking booze costs. Imagine that guy on Price is Right. Oh my God. They're like, and a brand new car. He's like, oh my God, $80 million. They're like, it's a Ford Taurus.

He's like, $90 million. He had no fucking idea. It was so funny. I was like, how much does he think steaks cost? Because then it hits you. He obviously doesn't have cash. He always plays with a card. And when you pay with a card, he doesn't look at the bill.

It's a fucking, it's a thing that happens in the universe. It's not, it's like, yeah, it's like a kid. When you ask a kid, ask a child how much a house is. And like $40, and you're like a little bit more. And they're like $7,500. And you're like, tons more. Yeah. Well, you're way off, you fucking idiot.

And that's why you're worthless. You're worthless. You piece of shit. Get back to work. Anyway. Well, yeah, I'm just. Yeah, what did you say? Well, yeah, I'm just a friend.

What did you just say? Well, yeah, Papa. I love you. My little Chinese baby. That's, I think we should call Bobby because he's on a boat celebrating. Yeah, we should also, wait, we didn't explain to anybody why you're here.

Actually, I shouldn't say that. He's not celebrating. He's on a sunset cruise with some cast members, I think. Wait a minute. We didn't explain why I'm here. So people are just like, oh. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

Andrew Santino is filling in for Bobby today and maybe forever because Kalyla and I have something to admit, we're in love. He knows the depth of my vagina. I know the depth. I know how she's in the shallow, shallow pools. In Kalyla, shallow pools. OK, here we go.

Let's see if he picks up. Does he ever pick up your phone call? He does some FaceTime. He'll FaceTime me. He'll FaceTime me if he's on set. He'll FaceTime me if he's in a trailer or he's on break. I guess you get closer, so he. Yeah, we can't hear it.

You hear it now? Yeah. You might not pick up. I don't feel like you hear it. He's found new friends. Really? Yeah, we're chopped liver, guys. Maybe if Andrew's FaceTimes and then he'll know.

Then he'll know where to, well, then he'll know where together. Yeah, because right after she ends it, yeah. He's a bastard. But do you know that he's on the boat? He's in Hawaii, for sure. Well, he's with people. What if he's working?

No, he's not working. He has. It's Labor Day. Hang up before the phone number gets on there. Pa, pa. Let's see. How come you can't leave a FaceTime voice message? FaceTime message.

That'd be so good. Like when it goes bup, bup, bup, why can't it go, leave a message, then I can leave you a FaceTime video message. Yeah, he must. Maybe he's mingling. Look at how stupid that icon picture is that. What is that from?

Matt TV. But I don't do. That's a Google image photo. See, but I don't do those. Do you think that gets assigned from something? From Google? You're right. The government's watching.

See how gross that is? I didn't do that photo. You didn't do any of that. It was automatic. Nope. Google must have. Google must have done. That's not even his IMDb photo either,

because I upload his IMDb. You do? Well, he was really angry, because for the longest time, and I don't know how it ended up there, but it was his picture from that one break dancing movie that he was in. Oh, old school? Yeah, he had an old school.

That was his main profile picture on there. And it would, a lot of things don't bother him, but that really bothered him. For every day, for like two whole weeks, he was like, is it done? Did you do it? Did you do it? Did you do it?

And I had to change his IMDb. What is it now? Is it a cute picture of him? Yeah, it's him with the little mouse ears and stuff. I never look at that. I never go on it. I don't fuck with that stuff. I don't want to know.

Also, people put up Wikipedia's of you. Do you know that? People put up Wikipedia's all the time. Have you read yours? Is it pretty accurate? I've never read it, but I know that somebody sent me a screenshot one time when it was like, someone did a long thing, and then it got taken away,

because I couldn't find the link, but it was funny. Somebody was making fun of me on it, and it was very funny. But I think Wikipedia, they let you upload it, but then they check it down all the time. So it keeps removing, it removes things based on if there's any fact to it. But also, Wikipedia's wrong all the time. I see, this is weird that we trust it,

because I see people's information. I'm like, I know that person. I know that's wrong. Yeah, Bobby's birthday is wrong. It's so weird. I'm there, I think, right? Because you remember you were like, oh, his. Oh yeah, it was like a few days off or something,

so I was like wondering which was the correct one. Did you go in there and do it? You can do it, right? Anybody can just do that shit. Yeah, you can change it. How long are your podcasts? I do. What is your podcast?

I feel like you could do a six hour one. I couldn't do what Rogan does, because that's tough. I mean, I could keep talking and talking to you guys for all night, but whether or not the fans give a fuck about it. I can't wait to see how many fans are like, fuck this shit. I want to see Shantino's fucking stupid ass. My podcast is Whiskey Ginger. That's the name of my podcast.

Please watch and look and do all that shit. I do about an hour-ish, depending on the guests. But people have asked me to do longer ones, and I try to. But also, I want to make sure that the guest is into it. I feel weird when I do Rogan's, and I do four hours. How do you feel, yeah? I love Joe. He's a good friend of mine.

It's hard to do four hours. At some point, you're like, this is a lot. It's almost like an exhaustive skill. It's like, he's able to do it every fucking day. I don't have that alpha brain. I know, I gotta do that on it. I gotta do that on it. So are you doing a podcast with Bobby?

We were just talking about it. We were talking about it. I have some insider info. Look, this is my, let me tell you. From Eric, which is good news, by the way. Well, let me answer this portion of it. We talked about that a little bit. Bobby and I, I want to do a podcast.

Bobby wants to do the podcast. We've had long talks about it. Eric Griffin is emotionally sabotaging Bobby. And he doesn't want, he wants Bobby to know that he's like, he doesn't care anymore, but he secretly does care. And Bobby is so emotional with people's feelings that he, which is a good thing.

I'm more detached. I don't care. Like I love Eric, Eric's a home of mine, but like if I know that it's not a real hurtful thing. So I get over, I'm like, what are you, come on, get over it. We're grown men. Like I am loyal to my friends,

I am true to my fucking fam, but like some things are like, this isn't that big of a deal. It's not that big of a deal. That's my thing. It's not like you're fucking my ex-girlfriend. You know what I mean? Like that's a big no, no fuck you. Also guys aren't allowed to fuck

any of your ex-girlfriends. No, and I would never fuck, I would, if I was single, I would never, I would never fuck any of my friends. Even though, let me tell you something. Let's say you and I fell in love. Like honestly, like genuinely, like we were really in love.

It wouldn't matter to me. I would still be like, you're my friend's ex, I would know no fucking way. I'm the same. I would sabotage my own root look for love based on my friends' past with you. That's just a fact of, I just don't, I don't know. I've never had a situation where I've dated anybody

that was close to or even three degrees away from me. It's always been so distant people. That's a good thing. I just don't like to fuck with this. Because the pool is so big anyway. Why am I going so close to home? Like I think it's weird that people are comfortable with that. Like I'm not gonna name a friend of mine,

his wife left him for his best friend. And years later, they're all cool again. And my buddy's a nice guy. He's a sweetheart. His life is good now. But I'm like, fuck that bitch and fuck your friend. Like I would never forgive that guy. I would never, my ex-wife, who cares, whatever,

but I would never forgive that guy. I'd be like, you're not only not my friend anymore, I don't, I fucking hate you. Even though his kids are with this guy sometimes because it's the wife, I still would be like, fuck you. I don't like you, I don't care. My wife is my wife. That's my kids with her.

But like, I never understood that shit. So anyway, Eric is like, Eric, Eric is, Bobby is a new girl who never dated Eric. Okay, so I think it's fine. I think it's fine to sleep with Bobby, but Eric had a crush on Bobby in high school, but never talked about it. So now I was like, no, no, no, you can date Santino.

It's fine. And Bobby is so emotionally connected. He's like, wait, but did you, what, you don't, wait, why, I feel like you don't really want me to date Santino. He's like, no, it's okay, you can date Santino. It's fine, it's just. I actually genuinely think he's okay with it now. And you know why?

Oh, you do? Do you know why? Why? So the deal is, this is what he told Bobby. He's like, have Bobby call me and Bobby called him. He's like, I give you my blessing to do a podcast with Santino if Kalyla does one with me. So.

Really? I'm, yeah. It's in the works. So, hang on a second. But I am now the only person who's resisting. Ah, you're the last, you're the last man standing. Yeah, so I could fuck it up for all of you guys. I could.

Yeah, that's shallow puss, can fuck it up. You're shallow to shallow puss. If you don't call the podcast shallow puss, I don't know what it feels like. Oh, that's all right, well. Shallow puss is so good. By the way, because, yeah. No.

Okay, look, we want to do. It's not for YouTube monetization. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I say that every show. I tell YouTube at the front of my show, I go, you're gonna demonetize it. Go ahead and do it right now. Oh, I'm gonna still ask, have them review it,

regardless of what they say at the beginning. Yeah, you have to. I don't think we said anything. No, we didn't. No, they just have an algorithm. Do you know that? They create these weird linked algorithms that try to find words and phrases

and then they, it's put into this system. Oh, I've talked to someone on the inside. It's really creepy. Is puss one of the words that they search for? Nope, no, no, it's not, it's not specific words. It's folder, one of the words. Folder is, shallow folder. Shallow folder.

Here's all your money. Stop saying it. Do we have an unhelpful advice, Gil? We do. Yes. Oh wait, so time out. So end all be all. Oh yeah, are you going to?

Yeah, Bobby and I are gonna do it. If we can do it, let's do it. We're gonna do it. We wanna do it. We wanna fucking do it. But if I don't do one with Eric Griffin, that deal is off. Clara, make it happen.

You can make it happen. It's on you. It's your call. It's on you, you beautiful, sweet, amazing woman. You perfect, perfect. Athletic. Athletic, wonderful, not sweaty, sweet, smart, cute, endearing, loving.

Created fooboo. You created fooboo. You created fooboo. Your family made fooboo. Anyway, we'll see. We'll see what happens. All right, give us some unhelpful advice. Unhelpful advice with Bobby.

He's not here, but like, and Andrew said, my fucking voice got modulated, really weird. And I can hear Bobby go, why, why, why, why do you do that voice? I said that's why you fucked up. A new voice, new voice. I'm always a fan of the new voices. Well, a helpful advice with Papa Santino and Mama Colorado.

I like that one. That one's cute. Very cute. I really do like that. You just love Chinese babies, man. I do love Chinese babies. White people are synonymous with adopting Chinese babies. I don't know.

You know that rich Chinese people, they hire a white butlers? Fuck, really? You can kill a Chinese. And they make a lot of money. They do? Yeah. But they have to be bilingual.

No, because it's a slavery thing. Imagine enslaving a white man. What kind of status that would show you? That would be tight. I'd be sl- No, it's shot- Stinks figures, right? What am I doing here?

Any Chinese billionaires listening? Enslave me. Oh my God. Enslave me now. I'm willing to come. Call me Smashly. Hello, I'm Smashly. I always have a shirt that shows my two butt dimples.

I get two back butt dimple tattoos. I'm down to be enslaved in China, by the way. Hold on, it's not slavery, because it's six figures, you said? Oh yeah, it's not slavery if you get paid. That's a good payment, yeah. It would be something along the lines of human, what does that call when you live,

when you're like indentured servitude, but financially supported indentured- Paid slavery? Yeah, but that sounds so mean. Also the word slavery has a disgusting connotation. Indentured servitude. I feel like you'd be the perfect guy, George, because you're sort of an Asia file, too.

You are. You are, aren't you? No, I know things. You are, yes you are. Nah. What's your biggest fetish? I don't really have one. Oh my God, there's no way.

I don't either. You have a fetish? I mean- Feet. I find feet attractive, but I find- Say it. Big cocks.

I do. Yummy. Oh, I like them, I like the crest, where the butt cheek connects to the back leg. Hold on. Oh, the tabletop part. Oh my God. Can you explain that?

The crease. The crease. The crease. The leg crease to an ass cheek is like- I'm out. We can never be in love. So you gotta have that booty. It's something, yeah, you gotta have some juice.

You gotta have some thick. And you have to have the tabletop. Yeah, you gotta have the tabletop. Why, you don't have that kind of ass? I have, as I'm getting older, I'm getting more of a secretary butt. You get a flat butt. Yeah, no, no, I don't have a flat butt.

I just, the crease is starting to not be as obvious. When I was younger, the crease was real just obvious. Is it just concave now? No, I mean, my ass is still there. I'm just saying that it's not as obvious anymore. I know what you mean. It's starting to go down a bit. Gravity's taking its hold.

Yeah, and my titties, man, holy shit. Your tits sag? Well, because I had implants and I got them taken out. What about, can't you do like a tightening? I never did a lift, because they said that I didn't need it because I had apparently good skin. I never had, you know, I had good elasticity.

Yeah, they thought it would ruin it if they did that, right? Yeah, but what it feels like now is just they're more separated. What do you mean? There's bigger gap space? Like a divorce. Yeah, like right here, I'm very like a, like I have a bird chest.

And there's just two little titties on the side of this really flat surface. You know what I mean? Like they're going towards my armpits a bit. You're, at one point, your tits are gonna be tucked under your arms. Yeah, I think I could probably do that in a few years. You could hold them underneath.

Like that, yeah. It's like a magic trick. Yeah, that is cool. And then you go like this and they flop right back out. I don't, I mean, I think that could be an advantage, to be honest with you. Is that a fetish for somebody? Please tell me.

Yeah, like there's a weird fetish online of when women are, when women are like on doggy style and they're getting bone from behind and they're boobs that are saggy, they flop around like that. It's like helicopters. Yeah, there's a big fetish for that online. Helicopter tits, heli tits.

Oh, I don't have those yet. So it doesn't do that. No, no, no. But one day. That's what I aspire. What was the biggest your boobs were when they were the fakest? What was the size?

There were these. Double D's? Yeah, double D's. I didn't let my right, I didn't like you because of that. I hated my body. I absolutely hated them the moment they were put in. I was like, this was a fucking thing. How many years was it?

I only had them for two years. Whitney Cummings told me that her tits just got a recall. You know, you get like a recall on your car. Like a Toyota? Her tits got a recall. Really? Did she have the gummy bear ones? I don't know what.

What does that mean? The ones that have more teardrop. Yeah, they're kind of like, they look the most natural. Her, she was not, she was just telling me like, they put out a report saying whatever was inside of that version of the implant was potentially dangerous. Yikes. And so she has to either get new ones put in

or I don't know if they have an update. I don't know if there's a software update. A firmware update. Can we download these to your titties real fast? I don't know whatever it was, but I was like, go and take care of that right now. She was like, I will, I'm busy, I'm busy. I'm like, go fuck it.

There's a thing inside your tits that's not supposed to be there. Well, that's what happened with mine. They got recalled? They didn't get recalled, but they should have been because when they opened up my left breast, there was so much gunk in it. Black.

Black gunk in it. What? It had bleaked? Because I started feeling really sick not too long after I got breast implants. And that's one of the reasons why I, you know, eventually just said, fuck it. Can you see them for that?

No more free drinks for life. No more free dinners. Well, I guess I'm not getting taken out anymore. That's when, when you have fake tits, you get to go to the high end restaurants. And then when you don't, you just go to regular restaurant. But for me, I just hated the type of attention I was getting.

And it also just didn't look good on my body. I'm telling you right now. I think it just didn't look good. It wasn't you? No, I have more of an athletic frame. Yeah. Like a tomboyish frame. You used to have a tall slender frame.

Big tits on tall slender. And it made my ass look flatter. Ah. Well, now people are getting ass implants. George has got them. He has really juicy legs. You got the legs. George has great legs.

Midwest. You have good legs. Midwest cab. These things are nice. Chicago. These things are nice. The bottoms. The bottoms are nice.

Well, no, it's, you know. What about your calves? Yeah, look at that. Oh, they're regular. Yeah. Yeah, strong calf, man. Orange hair on them though. That's the biggest problem.

You can't get that off. But you can't get butt implants if you don't have your own fat to harvest. Like for someone like me. Skinny, so skinny people, they don't, yeah, you don't have that fat. I would have to wait to gain weight during pregnancy and then get the BBL, the Brazilian butt lift,

which is they eventually, they get the, they liposuck my extra fat that I've now earned in the night. Yeah. And they injected into the butt. Would you want to get pregnant? Just, you know, it's a whole thing. It's a, it's a, we go back and forth a lot.

Yeah. It's scary. It's cool. But in everybody that has kids is like, do it. And you're like, okay. Are you? Yeah. Yeah.

Nice. But that's the thing. I feel like everyone's sort of that same response except for him. Cause he's really eager to knock anyone up. You really, you really want to have a kid? His clock, his clock. Bit less than another bone, brother.

How old are you right now? 39. Yeah. So you're ready, ready. Yeah. Do you feel ready emotionally? I think I'll get there whenever it happens. So that's no. No. Well, I think emotionally,

you just gotta decide to change. It's a massive change. Yeah. Do you ever worry that whoever you bring into this world might have a really rough go in their lives like 30 years from now? That's, I don't have that at all for some reason. I don't know, I just...

Do you feel financially ready? It's a big leap. See, that's the thing. Do you have a car that's safe enough? Do you have a place that you live that's safe enough? Do you have... You got nine months to figure that out, brother? Nine months.

That's all you need? Yeah. Is that how long it takes to make a baby? Those are the things that you were just talking about. Hey, in the Midwest, if you come from the Midwest, you see people a lot poorer, a lot worse off from you.

You are... Having kids. I do. Like people straight out of high school, having kids. You're like, they... I know, but we don't live there anymore. Yeah.

That's my point. Whenever someone says that they're like, back home kids, they have kids at 23, it's like back home, a house costs $80,000. Yeah. So that's a massive... So a guy's mortgage back home

is less than a car payment in Los Angeles. Yeah. That's a fact. That's insane. So like, those things don't add up to me when people make those comparisons. The life... Granted, you probably make less money back home

if you were doing what you're doing here back home, but I just, it's a lot of... It's financially crazy. I know people that have two kids and they're like, we're drowning. Yeah. I saw one kid I'm scared for. But I'm gonna have it.

And if I can't handle it, I'm just gonna leave. You just take it off, dude. Bye-bye, papa. I love it. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Chinese baby. That's what I'm gonna say. Bye-bye, Chinese baby.

I love taking care of other people's kids. See, I've heard that. I know people that love taking care of other people's kids, but they don't ever wanna have kid themselves. I do wanna have a kid. I just, I'm nervous about what the world is. Me too, I financially support a lot of kids. I financially support right now four children.

Three children, actually. Bobby? Bobby, my niece, I sent to private school. You did? Here. From the Philippines, yeah. From the Philippines. Really?

Mm-hmm. How old is she? She's 17. One year. You have one year. Okay, you pervert, can you wait a year? You sick pervert. Then you go to that mixed bus, mixed family bus.

I have another eight-year-old. 10 years. 10 years, George. You freak. Eve tease all you want. You don't, don't you? No, don't you be Eve teasing, sicko. We never got to advice, do we have one helpful?

Hey, I'm a 24-year-old that lives in London. My dad used to be emotionally and physically abusive with me for a very long time. Until I turned 17 or so and could fight back and protect my mom. My mom stayed with him for about three years ago, and he suffered from a stroke, and she's taking care of him now.

I haven't spoken to him for a very long time, and I have no idea if I should forgive him. How do you manage to forgive him, and should I try to do the same as I'm not sure how long he has left? Thanks a lot. Two questions. Yep.

One, is this a man or a woman? A man, a young man. And go back real quick, did it say physically abusive? Mostly, and physical. To him and the mom? Yep. Now he's sick. Okay.

Fuck that guy. That guy can die of a stroke. I don't care, that's how I feel. You hit me and my mom? Fuck you. Look, this guy might be a nice good guy. I just think no matter how emotionally bad things get, when you strike women and children,

I'm a traditionalist, I don't have any room for it. You can yell at each other, you can storm out, you can leave the family. You can do a lot of awful things emotionally to people, but when you start hitting kids and women, I don't have any fucking patience for that guy. So I don't give a shit that he had a stroke. He could have three fucking more, he can fuck off, yeah.

What if he's the son, but it's the mom who was abusive and beat the shit out of him? Then he probably deserved it. I would say this, when a woman hits a man, It's probably right. It's probably because he fucking did, he deserved to be hit, for sure. Cause a woman's natural instinct isn't physical violence.

Men are more physically innate to distribute violence. It is in our blood. I mean, it's literally the way we protect ourselves for fucking forever. So when a woman does it, it is beyond a last resort. It's either something that is, they're sick of someone's fucking shit or they are maybe having mental issues

and something is really terribly wrong. But chemically, I think you have to be a real piece of shit to hit a woman and a kid. That's my opinion. Is he a white guy? He's definitely a white guy. Well, let's look at the piece. Because it's a cultural thing I can sort of...

It sounds like a white family. How about that? Let me see. That's two as well. Yeah, it's like Eastern Europeans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's okay though, that's another thing, right? Cause I got...

In Eastern Europe, I feel like... I might ask, not just whooped. I mean, I was abused for most of my childhood, but that's not because, that's just how child rearing was in the Philippines. Everyone got the same treatment, basically. You got beat or spanked. No, no, no, I got my ass beat.

We had, my mom had a thing called a stomach belt. We would have to kneel on rock salt. We would... What was this, like the 1600s? When did you grow up in the fucking... I would have to try and pluck the, my braces out of my fucking lips because I'd get punched in the mouth.

Oh my, from your mother? My mother. Oh, I love today. She's the gentlest, kindest woman ever. Wait, did you get hit cause you were a fucking little asshole? No, I was, I was a class president and a top of my class, all of elementary school. I was also the number one swimmer in the city.

It was her way of keeping me in line. Well, it worked, I gotta tell you. You turned out pretty good. So maybe hit your kids. Maybe that's this... I think when a woman hits a kid, it's different. You think? Yeah.

But you know, it didn't work, cause in my teenage years, I hated her almost in my teenage years. Okay, that's a cultural thing. I feel like that may be a cultural thing. But let me say this, again, call me sexist. When a woman hits a kid, it's a different kind of thing. When a man hits a kid, there's something about it.

Spanking is different. I'm not talking about, like I got spanked. I got fucking cracked on the back of the head for being an idiot. But when you physically hit a kid out of anger or violence, there's something else going on. Like, again, I don't want to sound ignorant, but if I punched you in the face,

if you punched me in the face, it would hurt, probably hurt. If I punched you in the face as hard as I could, I might kill you. Like I actually might kill you. So I think about the strength dispersion of what like the average man, I'm not saying women aren't strong,

but like the average man hitting a kid, it's just not okay. You could really hurt a kid. So I just feel like I wouldn't forgive that guy for the advice portion. If you find solace in that, whoever that human is, and you can get to that point, good for you. But Dr. Drew told me one time,

forgiveness isn't necessary, but it's what does he say? It's not a necessity to continuing on in life, but it's rewarding if you get there. So if you get there, it's a good thing, but it's not a necessity. So if he never forgives him, life will still be okay. I agree with that.

But it's nice to forgive because you will find reward in it. But like, there's people that I feel like you will never forgive, but that's okay. There's people that Bobby will never forgive. I'm way too forgiving. I've forgiven people that have threatened my life. Fuck that shit. You fucked that.

I mean, good for you. Sucker, soccer right now. I just feel like- I don't think it's forgiveness. I think it's more apathy. After time has passed, and I couldn't give two shits about that person anymore, and I'm not very entrenched in their day-to-day,

then I'm like, I really don't care if you want to make nice with me now, because you're not really somebody that I keep in my life quickly. So I'm kind of like, yeah, okay, fine. We're cool, we're cool. It's almost you've reached a level of indifference. Yeah, it's very indifference.

It just doesn't matter. It's like, okay, yeah, I get that. Well, good luck to that guy. I mean, I would say, get a pillow and kill him. In the shallow, the shallow pools, in the shallow pools. Any final words? Yep. God, what do I have to say?

My final words are, one, I want all the fans of Tiger Belly to know how much I love and respect you, and to go on all the comment boards, and convince Calyla to do her podcast, and convince Bobby to do our podcast, and our worlds can merge and collide, and create this beautiful Yin and Yang universe

of black and white, and two different kinds of Asian, and I'm orange, and I say black, and I know Eric isn't all the way black. He's other stuff too. He's the most, he's why they made other on those race things. It's, you know what I mean? It's always, he's other. He's many.

It should say many. That's what his mind and his podcast should be called, because we're both racially ambiguous. Yes, you could pass us almost anything. You could be Latino, I'm sorry, Latinx. Latinx, come on. You could be Samoan. Middle Eastern.

Middle Eastern. Anything in the Pacific Ocean. Guess what I'm gonna be this weekend? For, what is this weekend? Indian. She's Indian. She's Eve teasing. Don't you Eve tease?

Wait, why are you, oh, cause you're to the wedding? You could get away with so much. So you be the others, and Bobby and I will figure it out hopefully. I already said it before, red and yellow. I know, I like it. He doesn't like, you know he doesn't like that? He doesn't.

You know I hate it too. I don't like the red part. I said it was fine. I was like it's fine. I don't like the yellow part. Cause it's just such a, it's a easy. It's too easy. It's too easy.

He goes, okay, okay, okay. We can do it. I can't call it that. I can't call it that. I can't call it that. I said it's fine. I don't need it to be called that. The fans that kept pushing that around.

I didn't say that. But he hated it. And I was like, just call it whatever you want. He's like, okay, okay, okay. We'll figure it out. Here's gonna be so mad. Here's gonna be so mad. That was him.

Well, we're gonna do it. And I'm happy that I came here today with you guys. And I learned a lot. I literally about your folder, about Eve teasing. Shallow Puss. About Shallow Puss. And I cannot wait to see where this journey takes us. That's it.

That's it guys. Thanks for being here. Thank you guys. Next week, what, George? The episode's gonna be. Oh, that's right. So next week, Bobby is gonna be, wait, we're gonna late release, right?

So it'll be released. But we haven't decided if it's a day or two late. Probably Thursday or Friday. Cause Bobby is in Hawaii. But he comes back. He comes back, just not on time. So we're gonna record a late podcast. Who's surprised that he hasn't come back on time?

How many things else to promote? So any shows or? Yeah, yes, yeah, yes. I know I sound, go to my website, go to Andrew Santino.com to check out all these new dates. We just put up a ton of new dates. But this month, September, I'm gonna be in Toronto for the first time.

Never been doing JFL 42. I'm doing Just for Laughs out of Montreal. They do it in Toronto too. Oh, oh. It's like the last version of that festival for the year. So I'm doing one live Whiskey Ginger podcast and four stand updates. That's what I wanted to ask you.

How did the Whiskey Ginger podcast do with Bobby? With Bobby. The most fun. The biggest clapback we had was, people got mad at, first of all, people got mad at me for Black Thought. Black Thought, the member of the Roots was on there with us.

And people were like, what the fuck would you even put them on there? I was like, wait, what? What? What? Why not? People got weird. They were like, it should have just been just YouTube.

I was like, yeah, it was just fun because I knew I wanted someone completely offset from Bobby, for Bobby to have fun with. And it worked, by the way. It was great. But I think it threw Black Thought for a loop. When you watch it, people should watch it on YouTube or listen to it.

That's the funny part though. It's tough. Because Black Thought doesn't realize how quick Bobby is, I think. Because Black Thought is trying to be a comedian. Oh. I didn't know that. I didn't know that.

I didn't know that. Is that a stand-up name or he didn't go by Tarik? No, he doesn't go by Tarik. He calls himself Black Thought is how he gets introduced. That's a great name. It's amazing. And then Bobby kept saying he was Yellow Thought the whole time, which I loved.

That was the best. It was the best. And people got upset. And I was like, that was half of the fun to me. Was Bobby fucking with Black Thought and the discomfort is Black Thought? I don't think knew how lightning Bobby was when we turned on the cameras.

And so it was just funny to watch for me and also still get a little bit of hip-hop in there because I'm a hip-hop junkie. And it was fucking weird. Bobby had no idea who that was. It's best when he doesn't know who they are. He had no idea. That's what, it's fun to me when it's somebody super famous

that the world knows, but Bobby doesn't know. That's what was beautiful. I was like. You know what he came up from the comedy store once. He was like, hey, I took a picture with this really tall guy because everyone was taking a picture with him but I don't know who he is. He's like, who is he, babe?

And it's Blake Griffin. Oh my God, Bobby. He's like, is he famous? That's what he said. Is he famous? Blake. Should I post it on Instagram? Who?

Who is this? Who is this? Who is this? Who is this? How does he, like, yeah, his lack of awareness is what's so, what's so fucking wonderful about him. So I wanted to pair them together. So whatever, if we do some more, we'll figure it out.

We'll see how that goes. I love putting him in a situation with someone that he's not, that he's kind, he's also kind of uncomfortable with. Oh, I loved it. I loved it. And then Black Thought got real weird. When Bobby stood up,

we brought up a little person to the stage. That was nuts. The whole thing is great. Was that planned? Nope. Not even, I mean, watch the video. I don't want to give it away, but Bobby basically makes a joke about little people.

And I was like, Bobby. And he goes, there's none in the room. And sure enough, one guy. And then he comes up. Right above everyone's head. You can see like a little hand pop up. And we bring him up on stage. And Bobby's like, what are the odds of this shit?

But it was great. He was a good sport too. But Bobby has little people, little person proportions. But he, but this guy was not a full LP. Not like a Brad Williams LP. He was like a middle, I don't know what they're called. Bobby's. Bobby Lee's.

He was a Bobby Lee. He was a Bobby Lee's. He was a Bobby Lee's. And he was a really nice guy. I had Bobby, you know, little cat carriers. They're about this big, right? He fits in there. No, but I asked him to carry,

because we had to transport the cats to the new house. Oh yeah. And he couldn't get his arms around the carrier. And so he was really struggling. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Why are you? And he was like puffing and puffing. He's like, my arms can't get around.

He really does. A cat carrier is this big. Yeah, I know. He couldn't get his arms around. Like they stopped right here. He is like a, he is like a perfect. He's, if a cartoon came to life, like if Tim Burton could draw a person

and then go, and it came to life, it would be Bobby. He is proportionally so funny and strange and weird. And yet it's balanced. You know how like a cool looking cartoon, it looks right? That's a Bobby. It looks right, but I don't know how it works. I received a distress call from him about five days ago. And he begged me to get him on a food plan

and to buy him a Peloton. Wow. Because of the TV show thing? Well, no. All these fucking actors that are in good shape. You know how he was just filming Magnum PI about a month ago.

He went back to about, it's been a month. He goes back and none of his clothes fit. His wardrobe doesn't fit anymore. But you know what else it is? All these fucking actors, all these assholes in the business, they're so conscious of their weight and their shape. And it bothers them to regular people like us,

because when I go to a TV show and I'm like lunch, and I'm like, oh fuck yeah, short rib and pasta. And they're all eating salads. Really? Actors are overtly conscious of their health. You're in shape. You're in good shape. You did live like what, 350?

465. Woo! No, but I exercise daily. I love it, but I still eat food that I fucking want. Same. I just don't care. I don't need to be like, I'm not Zac Efron. I'm not gonna be like, you know what I mean?

I'll also never get a role that would need me to be in phenomenal shape. I need to be just in, I've always been a bigger guy. So I just stayed, I exercise. I like running, I like lifting, I like playing sports. So it's like, I like that. But also, I had fucking pasta for lunch. I had pasta bolognese, tip for lunch.

So it's like, yeah, I wanna fucking eat food that I like. I don't wanna die getting a couple of good TV roles to sacrifice good food. I don't wanna be like, skinny for the camp. I don't care. I wanna look at my best. But I'm, you know, you only fluctuate a few numbers. I go from being, I'm like, I'm a six or a seven.

I'm a six when I'm not looking good and I'm a seven, maybe seven and a half when I look cute. But TV people, they always wanna look eight, nine, 10. I think that's going out of style though, just being attractive in general. I think it's coming, I think, yeah, I think being normal looking is coming back. I also think, no, not normal looking.

I think that the ugly fine is my, is what I'm attracted to. There's a lot of ugly fine people. Yeah. I love the ugly fine. It's like, if you, like asymmetry is really big for me. If you have just one buggy eye, you're missing a tooth. Who's the ugliest fine person out right now? Like public, like been public in the media.

And who's popular? That's ugly. So do you know that guy, he, oh, you don't watch any of the historical shows. But he has that one lizard eye. He plays the prime minister in the show Victoria. But if I showed you his picture, you'd be like, yes, that guy's ugly as fuck, but so fine.

So like a Forrest Whitaker type? Yes, similar, but he's. He's tough looking. He is not a good looking man. But ugly fine? He doesn't, for me, he's not ugly fine. Who's ugly fine to me is like a Steve Buscemi ugly fine? Is that fine?

No. God, you're really. We're really, we're just like lying people. Who's ugly fine? Who's like not attractive, but is attractive in a weird way? Oh, okay. What about? Oh, really?

No, what about Rami? Oh my God. Rami Malek. Rami Malek, Rami Malek, Rami Malek. He's ugly fine. He's fine. He's just fine. No, he's ugly fine.

Bug guys, but they make sense. I would think most women wouldn't say he's fine. I would say most girls go, yeah, he's ugly fine. He's like unattractively attractive. My gauge is also very off. I like very avant-garde looking dudes. Yeah, Rami Malek. Yeah, Rami Malek fits that.

What would Bobby be? He is very avant-garde. Is he? He is ugly fine though. He's not ugly though, because his features and his skin's really nice. That's what I'm saying. He's not ugly.

He's not ugly fine. He looks. He's just compact. He's cute. Yeah, very cute. See, that's the difference. But you know what's really attractive about him when I first met him was his voice.

He has a big booming voice over the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Classic booming voice. Can I say something? Can I say something? That's him.

He has a very, he has a very powerful presence. He's magnetic. Yeah, and I don't think people realize that until they actually meet him in person. And then yeah. Because he appears one way on TV, but when you meet him in person, he has a big, big presence.

There's something around, yeah, he has an orbit. He can, things like to be around him. He's very, yeah, he has that thing. I try to exude the opposite. I wanna, I just try to pass through time as quickly as I can. I just wanna die. I just wanna get the fuck through this. Just get me straight through the thing.

Bobby loves when people say hi. He loves taking pictures. I get a little like, I get a little like anxious. I say hi to everyone. He'll strike me as someone who would ever get anxious. You get anxious? Oh my God. He's gonna get extra nervous.

I don't get uncomfortable. There's just a thing that clicks inside of me that's like, ooh, I just like to be left alone. I'm a really good loner. I eat alone every day. I like driving long distances alone. I like being kind of left to my own devices. So when people say hi to me in public or something,

I'm super cool with it. It's not happening all the time. I'm not famous like that. But when somebody's like, I said, you know, and they see me, it's cool. But there's a piece of me that's like, fuck, I kind of wanna do it. I like floating through ambiguously.

I like kind of like disappearing in regular shit. So I don't ever wanna get to a point of like, too many people say hello. That scares the shit out of me. You're a complete hit. He's the same as Bobby. I'll say hello. Oh, they all, they love, they love the love.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I appreciate it, but it's also something that I'm like, I don't need it. I love it. It's very nice. I'll always take a picture. I'll always say hello. But I love kind of floating through time and space

on my own. Never heard of this before. I just wanna pass through time. I just wanna pass right through time. He's like that. No. I'm a little bit of both, I think. He wants that blue check.

Oh, he wants to be an influencer. I don't wanna be an influencer. You shut up, Gilbert. You know that. Whoa. Do you not want the 10K? Oh, I just bought myself a couple of two thousand followers on Instagram.

He did you? So I can get the swipe up. But you bought followers, George? So I can get the swipe up. What the fuck is wrong with you? He wants to pass the time. So I can get the swipe up because that's part of it. What were you gonna say?

What were you gonna say? I was not gonna say dum-dum. You did. Ding-dum. Delightful lady. You delightful lady. Ding-bat. You delightful lady.

Say it. It started with a D. It started with a D. It was a dipshit. Dumb bitch. Dumb bitch. Dumb bitch. I thought it was gonna say dumb bitch.

It was gonna be dumb bitch. Going him, ding-bat. I think I'm gonna take it as dumb bitch, George. Yeah, George, it did seem like dumb bitch came out of your mouth. In fact, I almost thought I saw it. Well, maybe that's who I think I would want to... Say it, say it.

Oh, no! I didn't take it. Look, he's turning red. He gets so nervous when he's about to go... I can't believe you called her a dumb bitch. That's insane. I can't believe it either. That's really fucked up.

That's really fucked up. Things you can't, George. Buying followers, calling people dumb bitches, I don't know. Hollywood is really dumb. So I can get the swipe up. It's useful. It's useful.

Utility. We would have had this for 45 minutes. That's where we clapped for you. We did. Yeah. We went over. Okay. So, you're a con.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we never got back to that guy. You know what? I just watched it again. Yesterday was Bride and Prejudice. Yeah. What is that? With a shawaria ride?

It's a Hollywood movie. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Through the light bulb. Pet the dog. Did you direct that? No. Next time. Next time.

Next time. Bride and Prejudice too. I cannot believe you called her a dumb bitch. I'm upset about it, but it does show your true colors. Bright red. Swipe up. Swipe up. And guys, you can follow us at Tiger Belly on Instagram, at The Tiger Belly on Twitter.

You can email us any questions at unhelpful.it, or adviceunhelpful at gmail.com. Follow Kalei Klamadike, Andrew Santino at? Cheeto Santino. George Kimmel. Hey, my new limited 10,000 plus. Oh. George underscore Kimmel. Does nobody ever follow me from listening to that?

This doesn't matter for me. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Just a, that is not true. People love you. I have to buy them. You don't have to buy them. You just have to wait.

You sit and you wait. Mm-hmm. You let it happen naturally. Mm-hmm. I want you to unbuy those files. Can you sell them back? Or, Ed, you could tell 2,000 people to un-follow it right now. No, no, no, no.

I'm buying more. I'm buying more. I'll buy 20,000 now. Here's what I want everyone. What is your Instagram? What is it called? George underscore Kimmel. No, no, hey, George underscore Kimmel.

George underscore Kimmel. Mm-hmm. I want everyone to go. This is going to be fun. I want everyone to go on George underscore Kimmel's page. George underscore Kimmel on his Instagram page. And on the last photo that he posted, write dumb bitch because that's what he called Kalyla. Good.

Thank you. And give him a follow. There you go. Give him a follow. You're welcome, you dumb slut. Don't ever call her a dumb bitch again. They're going to call you a dumb bitch on your page. I want everyone to say dumb bitch on George's page.

And give him a follow. And then in three days, unfollow him. Everything, Bobby Lee, Ed, Bobby Lee Live, and Ed, Joe Biss. Everyone, have a good night. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Barely Ad Free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen Ad Free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com.