TigerBelly - Ep 211: Hawaii Sweats

Episode Date: September 12, 2019

Bobby's children break down the door. Khalyla has Madonna hands. We talk hamburger poisonings, horchata skin, and Don Ho fellatio. Support us by supporting our sponsors!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. Aloha. Welcome back to me. And good to see you as well. Good to see you. It's good to see George. It's good to see my girlfriend, Kalayla.

I've been gone again for a while. Let's recap. Dad died. Didn't cry yet. Still, you know, thinking about, I don't know, it's weird. I'm like, I can feel it in my chest and in my heart. I'm just, just constantly. And I talk to my brothers at night, my brother at night.

I go, um, are you depressed? And he'll go, yeah, I've never felt this kind of depression before. It really is, especially when you haven't grieved, I guess. So I'm just kind of walking around like a zombie. But you know what? It's, you know, when I was driving here, I thought to myself, I can't wait to see my brothers, my brother George and my brother Gilbert, my good friends.

Because, you know, when I'm gone, I just can feel the foundation of the house being built. I can feel that you guys are doing hard work and being trustworthy and keeping all our money and stuff intact. And I think about my girlfriend, Kalayla. And I go, wow, what a lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, you know, and so it's great. But anyway, welcome.

Good to see you, baby. I love all of you guys. Are you going to murder us at night? Why did you say that? Why did you say that? I'm like scared. Why did you say that? Was that weird?

You've already been trying to like pick fights, like on the way over here with the music. Right. What was the challenge? Well, the challenge is this. He's a tyrant when it comes to... I'm not a tyrant. No, I just go by the rules of life.

Yes, what are the rules? I never get to play what I want. Right, you drive then. Yeah, you know what? Even when I drive your ass three hours, I don't get to play a single song. No, when you drive, I do. Oh, bullshit, Bobby.

One time I drove us all the way to like... Oh, hi. Some place really far, like three hours. Oh, hi. And you sat back asleep and you still would bitch when I would try to put my own music on. What did I play over here? Did you hate it?

Great, I loved it. Mirrors. The mirrors, the cover of the one... Karen Dalton song? Yeah, so I saw it. Listen to that. The other one, Speck, I didn't like it that much. The deep voiced one.

No, the first one was Orville Peck. Orville Peck, that guy. Clean of the rodeo. He's so good. What are you talking about? He's the king, though, not the king. And what's the third song I played? You play...

I don't remember. Okay, Your Silent Face by New Order. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. Let me ask you something. I know that you feel... I know you're probably going to edit this part out because you're that way.

And I say that in a positive way, not in a negative way. What? That way in terms of your dynamic. In a... in like a nerd way. You know? So mean. No, no, like at a science fair.

Like at a science fair when you see the guy... The king of the science fair. Yeah. You're not the king of it. You didn't win any... You just entered the science fair. You entered it. Participate.

You haven't won anything yet. Because you're... you're... You're a volcano. You're the volcano that you built out of clay. Who's first place? It's hacky. Do something different. Do you like a little project about the singularity

or about our oceans being... With the... Microplastics. Microplastics. The plastics. You can fix those things. Okay? But I wanted to say...

I love you. Oh, I love you too, Bobby. I don't know. I do. I've got what I said. But I'm trying to. I love you. I don't know.

It doesn't feel right. Your neck looks right. Your neck looks right. But you... But you... But you... But you... But you...

But you... Maybe, of course. But second. You're number one. But second. And I've been... Because I've been doing Magnum PIs. I know you love the most.

I know you love the most. And I love J. Hernandez the most. There it is. You know, yesterday I was in a scene with him. I was in the back of a car. His Mustang. Whatever the Magnum drives. Yeah.

And I was mesmerizing his freckles on the back of his neck. Memorizing? You were mesmerizing? No, I was memorizing. Memorizing and mesmerizing. Okay. His skin. You remember?

J. Hernandez's skin is like the purest... What's that drink? That cinnamon drink that they have? Orchata? Orchata. My gosh. The color of pure horchata. Oh, the purest kind.

The specs are the cinnamon. The freckles. Yes. Right. It is. And he smells like that. The canelo. He smells like...

You know what he smells like? When I see his skin and it's in his body. If I gave him a brand new guitar, he would go... Spanish guitar. You would do something like that, right? And then all of a sudden, he would have the thing. What's that thing? With the snapkin with the bow?

Matador? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know how that... What's the noises that they make? But... Is he from Spain? No, he's Mexican. But I really like him.

I met his wife. I don't think I have... I didn't meet his kids. So tell us about how your new best friend almost poised... Poisoned you? Almost killed you by poisoning. Wait, what? Okay, I can't talk about that because he doesn't know about it.

He doesn't know about it. So I can't talk... Well, also it's... I'll throw it out there. Yeah, throw it... I'll throw it out there and then we'll edit it out. But you know what here? How about this?

You didn't know if it was from him or not. You weren't sure. I have a good feeling. So I'm... I was trying to save you. I know, but he... So he goes... So I'm friends with...

I love everyone on the show, right? But my scenes are always with Magnum and that girl, Purdy. She's great. Hagan, she plays Hagan's in it. I love her. And we're at... She invites me to his house with Amy Hill lives there too. Love her.

You know, Amy? She's the best. So they all live in this beautiful, like, high-rise, right? And they have this, like, center where people lounge around this pool. The pool has... It's clear so that you can see the street. So it's like on, you know, on a 20th floor, but if you're in the pool, if you look down on the ground, it's the street.

So it's scary. Oh, see. It's see-through. It's see-through. So, you know, they're having barbecue and whatnot. And I go... I just kind of yelled out. I shouldn't have yelled it out, but I'm hungry.

Not hongo. No, I just said so. Maybe I said that. Yeah. I just said that. I blurted out, like, hongo. You're right. And Jay goes, I have a good...

Whatever. I can make a hamburger. Yeah. So he stands up and makes me a hamburger. And he just gives it to me. You know, he's a star of the show. I have to eat it. Respect.

Right? I have to eat it. So I bit into it. And then... Was it delicious? It was very good. Yeah. But then I said, wow, this is the best hamburger I've ever had.

I don't know why I said that. Yeah. But as soon as I said that, my stomach started gurgling. And I farted. I don't know if it was... That's fast. It's pretty fast. Yeah.

I don't remember my life. I don't remember my life. Do you remember your life? I can't. I can't. I remember all his life. Like, he faps. What is it?

You told him... You... Because you suddenly left without saying good-bye. Yeah. So I remember it not... And I had diarrhea. It can't act that fast. It was...

It must have been something before that. Maybe it was something before that. So that's why I'm not blaming the hamburger. Yeah. Yeah. But I did have diarrhea. And then what lie did you come up with? Amber?

I don't remember what I said. Do you remember your lie? You suddenly left without saying good-bye. Oh, you did. And then you texted everyone. You were like, I had a panic attack from the height of the pool. That's right. So the pool...

Nice. That's why I mentioned the pool. About the... So he had mentioned that. And I go... I didn't say goodbye anybody. I just left because I had diarrhea. Yeah.

And I blamed it later on the pool. But I think it was the hamburger. I think it was before that. Maybe before that. But Jay, I love your hamburgers. I'll eat another one. Best hamburgers. The best I've ever had.

Even though it was the worst burning sensation I've ever had. And then after that, he calls me. He's like, I'm really unwell. I haven't... He never throws up. I've never seen him throw up. I've never vomited in my life. Six years that I've been with him.

He was actually throwing up. Yeah. So right before he goes to bed, he's like, you know, I'm just gonna... I'm curled up in bed. I'm gonna go to sleep. I said, okay, I'm gonna go to sleep. Good night. We said good night.

This was about 9 p.m. Right? The next day, I try to get a hold of him. And I don't hear anything. 6 p.m. rolls along. I'm like... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's 6 p.m. his time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember now. What happened was... What happened was that night, right, I went and bought... I went to ABC, which is kind of their 7-Eleven. But it's great. In fact... Oh, I got you gifts.

Fuck. My bad. Spambusibi? Dude, I love ABCs. You guys like mints? I love ABC's story. Yeah. You like mints, right?

So I got you... I got you to get some mints. Here you go. I'm nervous to open it. No, just mints. Okay. Here you go. Just mint.

Thank you. A package of mints. Bobby, this is one of my favorite gifts. What? May I show the audience? Yeah. Oh, yours is different than mine? No, they're all the same, I think.

These are Donald Trump mints that I buy at ABC. It's great. It's a great mint. It's one of the people with the best mints ever made. Oh, the best mints. It's the best. Imagine the poor manufacturers of that. It's probably...

I have to talk about my life. Brooklyn, New York. It's made in the U.S. Okay. But the tin is made... That was disappointing. I was hoping it was made in China. That would have been...

But the tin is made in China. The tin is made in China. I want to say... Wait a second. Hold on a second. We haven't gone to the good part. Sorry. My bad.

So then eight o'clock rolls along his time and he's still nowhere to be found. No one's heard from him. I've called the front desk to contact his hotel room to see if the ring will be loud enough. Because at this point, I think he's dead. Oh, wow. Okay. So I went and bought these wax earplugs, the kinds that are... You kind of stick it out and you form it into your ears.

Yeah. And I've stuck it deep into my ears. And then I have an eye thing, one of those fancy eye things. Eye mask. Yeah. Right. So I have that and that. And then I took a little too much like melatonin gummies.

I take melatonin gummies and like this kind of stuff. And then some, a little bit of unison. And I stuck it in there and I went to sleep and I slept for like 16 hours or something. Wow. I couldn't wake up. And the phone was ringing because she can contact security. No, I told security to fucking do a welfare check. Yeah, yeah.

Because I was scared I was. So they were calling and then all of a sudden I could hear it through the thing and I picked it up and they're like, sir, are you okay? You're your family. Your family's concerned. And I go, what family? I have no family. I have no family.

Your wife and your kids, they're concerned. Your kids. Right. And when you wake up like that, you go, what happened? Maybe I did that. I don't know. Yeah. But then she go and then she, and then she, you know, I called her and she's like, you're

crying. I get so worried. She gets worried. Yeah. Cause he's like, I've never felt this ill in my life. So I was so sure that Jay was a delicious hamburger, man. The best. I love you, man.

Jay. He's all right. I like him. But you know what, dude? You know, when I'm on that thing or when I'm working, I'm there for so long, I just get lost because you go to, you go to your assai places and then, you know, you fuck around with the locals, the guys, you know, what do you do? I just like do tricks.

I'll squeeze her ass and walk, run away laughing or whatever, you know, and hang on one second. Gilbert, why, why the fuck didn't you tell me my tit was out the whole time? I told you it was. No. Why didn't you tell me? Was it? Yes. We didn't see it.

We have to look at that rollback. Yeah. Your teddy is delicious, babe. Everyone needs to know. We have to trust the process. Yeah. You can try. Yeah.

So here's another thing that I did. Yeah. What I did was, what I did was I, I, what did I watch? I, oh, here's, okay. Here's the thing I want to watch is the Joker. That looks good. But it's not just that it won the Venice Film Festival thing award, grand jury, eight minute ingovation.

Dude, I've never stood for eight minutes for anything, you know, I don't be real. If I had to do like a run, you're, it would go eight minutes, five, seven minutes. And sit down. It would go seven minutes. I'll sit down because to stand for eight minutes to applaud, it must be that good. And then the reviews have been, there have been some negative ones, but mostly it's because it's so dark and depressing and, you know, you know, some white people, white people get sensitive.

They don't know when white people go dark, they go the darkest, yeah. Right. But when they're liberal and they're sensitive, they get really, you know, they get, you know, so the reviews have been like that, but the most, I'm really liking your review though right now. This is amazing. And there's sensitivities. Okay.

You're not sensitive. George is less sensitive than me. No, no. But just in general, white people are sensitive. No. I think everyone's sensitive. Yeah. We're all sensitive.

You're right. You know, I apologize to the people. There's a lot of sensitivity right now. Just like I was giving a review of white people, you know how I posted while you were asleep, I posted a video of you sucking Don Ho's dick, a statue of Don Ho's dick. First of all, he died way before I could meet him. I know. So no dick stuck there.

It was a statue of you. Oh, the statue. Yeah. Oh, I've stuck his dick. Okay. Well, I'm trying to help you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Statue dick, yes.

Yeah, not real, not real dick though. This is kind of what I know from Hawaii, immediately texted me here. I'll show you. Oh, she's saying that it's like, that's our God. This is what really works me where I'm like, oh, really come on a six second video of Bobby blowing like an inconspicuous statue that no one give me the message. It's going to make me so angry. Give me the message.

He died tragically and his daughter killed himself immediately after the rest of his kids are still alive. Just FYI. And I was like, Bobby was tiny bubbles. So tiny bubbles, tiny bubbles, the man, the myth, right? The legend. He died. His daughter killed himself.

Tragically. Yeah. Tragically. It is tragic. Yeah. You know what? My dad just died too. It's tragic.

That's life. I'll suck the dick. I'm going to suck down. You know what? I'm going to go back to his statue and eat his asshole. Eat the statue's asshole. My point was this girl is Asian. Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I'm so stupid. We apologize. She's sensitive. I get it. Listen, lady. Listen, I don't, you know, here's what it is when I was in Thailand. It is what it is. And this is what it is.

It is. It is what it is. Let me tell you something. Right? That's what I say a lot. And people point it out and it makes me angry because this is the way I fucking talk and you can make memes and you can fucking do all kinds of trickery out there to force me not to do these podcasts.

But you know what? I am going to just say whatever is on my mind and I just say things. Okay. I can't just, just listen. We need you. We need you. We really need you. We're nothing without you.

I'm sorry. I won't say it again. But my point is, is this the thing is, is this, I love it. I love it. All the hits. I don't even know what I'm saying. Did you just say play the hits daddy? He just got your daddy.

At least you didn't say rock and roll. Go get him, go get him. Go get him, gov. Oh my God. The hits. You know that last week when I did it at podcast with Santino, he called me a dumb bitch. Oh, no. No, no, no.

I'm sorry. Back up. Back up, babe. No, no. Everyone back up. No. No, no, no. Listen, listen.

I got a little hit and I said no. Just listen. George, just listen for a second. When I met you, I go this fucking nerd. I cannot do this maker thing. I can't run into that guy again. Then like a month later, yeah, I like him. He's pretty cool.

He's written to me a lot. It's a little scary, but you know what, I'll give him a shot. Six months later. He's working for me. We're working together. We're doing stumps to videos. Years later. You know what?

I like this guy. Trust him. He's doing my podcast. He really believes in me. Really, I trust him with the money and all the little details about our organization. If you ever fucking call her that again, I'll rip your eyes out. Thanks, babe. Okay.

Jesus Trejo. Is that his guy? I love him. I love that guy. He really is. Because he's been calling me a lot lately about asking how I am, which you don't get a lot of people doing. Even my mom and brother haven't called me in that way.

Your mom's called me. I know, but no. She has to. No, no. My mom's been great, but somebody that I don't know that, well, he's to open for me. He's a comic for him to go, hey, dude, I just want to see how you were. It's so nice. Jesus Trejo is a cut above the rest.

I know. Because he hasn't lost his humanity. No matter how big that guy is, that guy will never change. Yeah. He will never change. He'll never change. He's going to be a darling and a sweetheart and a good man for the rest of his life. Yeah.

He is a good guy. Also, you know, it makes me really optimistic and it feels warm for guys like Andrew Santino and Eric Griffin and these types of guys to fill in for me when I'm not, when things are tragic or when I'm busy, it really feels like I have real allies for the first time in this business. A business, a lot of times you get set up to compete with people and you're so competitive with like other Asians or whatever in the beginning. It was very competitive.

And I don't think I really liked anybody. You pretend you would hang out and do gigs with people, but I really love some of the people in my life. I really do. I love these new friends that I have. I love this new journey that I'm on. It's great. But you know, be honest with me, am I a little scattered right now, George?

I'll completely honest with me. Only just before we paused, but other than like the whole journey. Oh, so the last two minutes, I've been clear. Everything before that was scatterbrained. No, no, no, the first like 20 minutes was great. Yeah. I've been a little scattered for like two minutes than this. Great.

Oh, so, so she's a liar? No. Okay, good, good. Is she a dumb bitch? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey. Whoa, whoa. Why did you call her that though?

Be honest with me. Because I, I, well, I deserved it because I tried to humiliate him for buying followers on Instagram. Oh yeah. I've got that swipe up feature so I can help out the podcast. You know, last week we got 17 views because through my swipe up, 17 extra views. I could get Bobby's face right now. So, so I'm.

Don't tell me that to be true. 17. Yeah. So I'm just trying to help as much as I can. Aloha. Thanks to the 17 people who. Thank you. Instagram.

Thank you. To watch the video. But you know, you know what guys, I don't want to do this anyway. If I have to, I just want to be free. Be free. That's all. I do respect the fact that you've, you've only in 210 episodes, you've only plugged like four episodes.

I do sort of respect that about you. You're not needy in that regard. But look at our following. He's even do it. Well, you know, a lot of that has to do with, I mean, it is partly laziness and it's partly you know, this aloof thing. But you don't think I'm aware of my aloofness when I'm doing it, I know, right? When I'm acting like I don't know what I'm doing.

I do know. Yeah. Right. But it's like based on, there is a little bit of like laziness, but a lot of it has to do with my attitude or whatever. But it is something that I'm aware of. I'm aware of everything that I do mentally, even when I react to situations that I'm being over dramatic or acting crazy.

I'm well aware of what I'm doing and how I'm being perceived. I just can't help it, you know, but I love literally everyone. And also, can I say this too? It's a thought that I've had in Hawaii by me because I was in Hawaii a lot by myself. Like it was four days in a row where I didn't see anybody. Is that a good thing for you? It's great. Okay.

Because what I do is I'll walk down the beach where my little iPods, I love AirPars by the way. Airpods, right? Yeah. And I'll be listening to like, you know, music. And you know, it's weird in Hawaii. Nobody really knows who I am. If I go to downtown, I'm at a really cool ramen restaurant.

The cook will go Tiger belly or somebody, right? Yeah. But where I'm at my hotel, it's all tourism. So no one knows who the fuck I am. I don't get like Bobby Lee, right? So everyone leaves me alone and it's like I'm normal guy and you know what, I like it. I really do. I like just being with regular people hanging out.

Could you live in Hawaii? I think I will. Wow. I think I will. I hate that hotel. I hate that hotel. It won't be that hotel. Like a house.

I mean, it's a, it's a, it's, it's an okay hotel, but I really charged me double one time. Yeah. Double and a half. But like I came home, I was like, why don't I have a $3,000 bill just to reign? So I also believe Tiger belly, that there's going to be something that's going to bring me there in more of a permanent basis. I don't know what exactly it's going to be.

And I see that you guys are going to be there too. And number two, we got some offers from GFL already. Amazing. Calgary, maybe Vancouver, we're working on all that kind of stuff. So we got to get this back going. I'm in town for a while. We're going to, once we get the studio back up, we have so many big people that want to do it.

They do. Why are you smiling like that? Because, um, the prog, the studio progress, it's not my fault. I, when I go out of town, I expect the team to do, I'm not there. Right. So I expect my team to get you done. Everything's done. Sound panels are done.

The table is done from Johnny. Did you see the customer? Johnny. That's a Johnny and, but it's your other team. Yeah. Yeah. I know. You can't.

I don't know them. I can't. There's nothing I can do about that. I'll work on it. Oh, when I'm here. I'm here. Okay. So, um, what's it feel like to be away from me for 16 days?

That was a long time. I'm, it's not, it's not, honestly, it's not you. It's in any, in any other circumstance, it would have been like really, but it was my dad. You know what I mean? So going, going away, normally I miss you and I wish, you know, but because my dad died, you know, that's the forefront of your, that's in the forefront of like, he's not here. He's consuming it.

Yeah. So every day is that like calling my brother and going, are you depressed? He's like, yeah, I can't, you know, it's like, it's weird. I can't explain it. It's, it's a blur. Yeah. And you know, what's sad about it is my poor mother, you know, my mom would test text me once a month.

We're fine. How are you? She texts me every day. I mean, sometimes five times a day about little things he's doing like, you know, I went outside and I went to the store. I came home. I don't know. I don't know what else to do.

You know, and there is a sense of sadness, you know, that just, you know, when he died, I was like relieved that she wanted to stay. She goes, I want to stay in this house in Phoenix. And it gave me a relief because of the fact that I, then I didn't have to go. I had to buy, because in my head is like, how am I, what is she going to do? I had to get a place in California. She had friends, how do, how, you know, but that wasn't in play because she told me she didn't want that stuff.

But now I'm thinking maybe she does need to get closer to us, but doesn't know how to say it. She doesn't know how to say it. And she's, and she can feel it like, because my dad's not around. So she's constantly alone looking for something. I can't imagine what that's like. I know like her dream, but way before your dad passed, we, we were going through like Zillow and Redfin and we were looking at like homes in San Diego because that's where her

sister. Yeah. She doesn't want to be there. She doesn't. No. I don't know what she wants. I think she wants to be around us, to be honest with you. And I can't live in the same house as her, but I'll figure it out if that needs to be

the case. Yeah. But so, you know, you know, that's that, you know, I'm sorry that, that, that this is the way these podcasts are going. They're not funny, but I can't help it. I cannot fake it. This is what I'm going through. And I appreciate everybody.

I really do. But this is just the way it is. I mean, it'll change soon when we, maybe when we get our new facility and I get all the new people in, which is what I want. There's so many people, just to me, please. Everybody wants to be. But I think that everyone can appreciate the fact that we're sort of in limbo right now. Okay.

Like we've never been this super perfect, overly produced, you know, thing. Like we, we have, some of us get sick. Some of our family members get ill. Life happens. Yeah. This is just what happens. It's like, I don't think anyone's faulting you or faulting anybody. Oh, you know who else has been sweet is Theo.

Theo Vaughn just will randomly text me. I love you or I miss you. That goes a long way with me. That's all. Sorry. I'm so wrong and when I hear nothing from you two, you and, you know, Gilbert, no text. No, how are you? Sorry.

Did you, um, wish you a happy birthday and he doesn't deserve it because he doesn't really love me because you would think that he would text me and go, how are you? You either man, right? I wake up every door. I know you die every door to every door, every door you open and closes right in your fucking face. Break house. I went to New York over the week.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's talk about hers. She, first of all, she did this Madonna thing with her hand. Give me two. Right? That's exactly what she wanted to exactly what she wanted Madonna. What's up?

Yeah. I mean, don't do a claw like that. I don't want to show it. It's so embarrassing. What is this though? We had a Mendy night before the wedding and basically to get our hands, Hannah, right? Hannah on our hands and, um, there were two ladies there and I was sort of trying to like get out of there quickly.

So I think I chose the wrong lady and I pretty sure she was half blind because I'll pull. Can you show us what you wanted? Will they be able to see it? Has Bobby seen it? Bobby has seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it after. I gave her a picture and I was like, this is what I want.

Can you do it? She's like, oh, yeah, honey. Easy. I was like, whoa, she's really confident in her skill. And after that, because my, she wrapped it up in like this like bandage thing so I could move around and not hit it. And then when I underwrap the bandage later on that night in my small little, um, New York apartment bedroom, I couldn't breathe.

Like I was laughing so hard because I was in stitches. The henna is for human beings, not the creature from shape of water because that's what your hands are. She's wet. Well, they weren't wet when she was doing them and I think they sweat afterwards. And I, um, you know, I was part of the bridal party. And so the next day everyone's henna was beautiful and I looked like I had just dragged my knuckles in dog shit.

Yeah. I just was like walking like this on dog shit. Shape of water. So embarrassing. Also, um, just going to throw this out there in case you guys get married. Yeah. Well, who's going to get married? You and your girl.

Who's going to get married? I think George will probably get married. Probably first. If you get married before us, you can, you're out. Do not get married. And then when you propose, tell me first, can I say this though? Yeah. Um, it doesn't matter because you're just a beautiful woman.

What do you mean? Damn. Am I henna? You mean? No, everything about you. You're just beautiful. I've been looking at you all day today going, what a beautiful woman she is. Thank you.

That's so nice. Because I looked at you today and what did I say? You're the ugliest or something I've ever seen or something like something, like something very brutal. I said, fuck, I hate your face, but you love that. No, I don't. You don't like that. He loves that mustache.

You know, it made you happy. It does make me happy because I'm not used to him without a mustache. And I hadn't seen him in 16 days. He comes home without a mustache and I just get creeped out. Oh, I was going to say this, but say it. I think I have, don't get angry, baby, but I think I have, I'm not kidding you. I think I have some sort of condition. Uh huh.

My penis smells. Oh my God. He said, don't get mad. I don't know what it is, but I, I'll, every once in a while, I'll touch the head of my penis and I'll smell it and there's something going on. Is it not just regular old dick dick? It is not regular dick dick. There's something going on.

It's not fungus or anything like that. Is it? Is it colored? I think the P has a smell to it. It's affecting the dick. Maybe you. What? What?

Wait, like asparagus kind of P or? It could be that. Oh. Because the tip, it maybe it's too much acai. No, it's like healthy. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe the acai is fucking it without my pee, but it smells.

Let me smell it right now. No, no, no. Please. I just want to smell real quick. Oh my God. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

This is what I am going to be real with you. I'm going to have a real moment with you. You can't keep doing that. You can't keep eating your boogers and bragging about how your dick smells. I'm not bragging about it. I need help. At the end of the day, you and I, in order to get over our slump, you have, I take good care of myself.

That's why I said. I called you and I said, I want to get the, the machine, but you're, I want to get the art. I don't care how much, how fit you get. If your dick smells, I don't want none of it. I don't know. My dick smells because of my diet. I think.

What's it smell like? Like rot? You would smell it. Can you describe a little bit? Oh my God. Like what is the flavor? My dick real quick. Smell it.

My God. Smell it. It smells just fine. Okay. Good. It smells like baby powder. It smells like Hawaii sweat. There we go.

It was Hawaii sweat. A little bit. I think maybe. Yeah. Hawaii sweat. That's what it is. It's a good album. Dude, that's a good.

Hawaii sweat. Hawaii sweat. Write that down. In fact, you and I are going to come with a, with a bunch of little sayings like that. I like Hawaii sweat a lot. I know that this is probably everywhere in the United States and the world, but this is particularly creepy because this girl was living next to us down the hall for a couple of months and she's our neighbors.

Our neighbor let a girl sublet. Okay. What? Who's the neighbor? Right? Do we know the neighbor? We know, but don't say her name. I know, but who is it?

Okay. Okay. Yeah. I know her. Yeah. I love her. Okay. Okay.

And so, um, yesterday she told me she's like my, the girl I fucking let sublet my place took off with a thousand dollars worth of my clothing. She took the car. She like basically robbed her, right? And, um, but she left this girl's like completely out of her fucking mind. She left her diary there and some fucking vials of like H H C G. It's like a pregnancy hormone, she was like shooting up. I think maybe she was either going to donate her eggs or I don't know what the fuck she

was doing. Okay. Anyways, but can I read you what's in her fucking diary? This is every day. This is, this is September 12th. That was the good stuff. Tell me if you think this, this was, this person was living down the hall from us. How scary is this?

I am a hundred pounds. I am beautiful. I have long, beautiful blonde hair, have white teeth. I have $3 million by January 2019. I have 10 million followers on Instagram. She doesn't. She has like 30. Jesus.

I am at 30. Yeah. I am at NYC and Paris Fashion Week. I am a famous actress. I am famous. I have amazing designer clothes. I travel the world. I am at, hold on a second, um, I have anyways, next day, next diary entry.

This is a different day. I am a hundred pounds. I am a famous actress. I am famous. I have $10 million in my bank account. I know what she's doing. Yeah. I know what she's doing.

Yeah. I know. But this is, this is beyond that. Hold on. This is her manifesting. She read some sort of book or if you write this every day, it's going to happen. I am at Camp Something with Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Natalie Hall Crow, Olivia Person. I have an artist pass.

I am obsessed with me. Do you read my journal? I'm on a fucking unicorn with Roderady Piper. Yeah, the things that I come up with. I'm in a fucking mining camp with fucking, uh, Macaulay Culkin and, you know, Mike Tyson. Don Ho. Yeah. Don Ho.

I'm his shoulder angel. What is this? I saw her in a movie with Ryan Gosling Bradley. I was in that movie with her. Okay. Listen. So I thought, oh, she's doing, doing her own sick way of daily affirmations, right? But also she's also just robbed our neighbor.

That's true. Okay. So she's already. That's true. But then I checked her Instagram. Yeah. I checked her Instagram. Yeah.

And she has like, she's nowhere. She's not in the Soho house. She's nowhere. But she tags those places like she's there. Yeah. I've done the same thing. What is a Soho? Fuck it.

What is it? I know that place. I've been there. You're right. She's crazy. Does that not fucking? She's crazy. But she robbed that.

I've done affirmations parts. I've done that. Yeah. Cause you know, we've, you know. Oh yeah. That, that gave me a flashback. I think in the early days I did that for Tiger Belly. Like we'll have a hundred thousand followers.

We'll get a million monthly views on YouTube. We're there. I know. We're way. That's a little fucking right after. I have an artist pass. Interesting. To me, like I want it best friends with Kim Kardashian.

That's a little bit key to me, man. I'm sorry. But let's put her on blast. What's her name? God, I want to say it so bad because she robbed my friend. She can't do more than 30 followers on Instagram. It'd be, uh, we'd be getting her closer to her, to her goals. She has 30 million.

Fuck. I really want to out her this stupid, stupid bitch. And then you know what she said? Cause my, my friend who was Rob said, I'm going to expose you. I'm going to fucking put this out like you're diary. And she was like, I'm going to sue you if you do that. I'm going to press charges. She's like, you just robbed me.

This girl's nuts. Yeah. She's absolutely out of her goddamn mind. But apparently Bobby is so used to this, um, LA behavior that this is normal. No, when you said, when you were talking about her, it just made me realize what kind of people are we, what is this? What are we doing here? What do you mean?

But what is like, what, you know, when you're on, you know, when you're on set, right? You see all these, we had these party scenes. Yeah. You know, and you see all these like extras and they're not, they just don't want to be extras. You could, you could talk to them. You're in Hawaii. You're just around people and people have these gigantic dreams and this and that.

And it's like all revolved around being famous and making money and all that kind of stuff. And it's a sickness. Don't you think it's a sickness? Yeah. Hashtag set life. I think some people idolize that. Yeah. Yeah.

People idolize it. But at the end of the day, all it is, is a job. It's just working. But you know. That's why it was so refreshing to be in New York. I'm sure New York has its own, you know, you know, set of people just like this. Wall Street. But it does feel a little different.

And I do find, even though I don't have eyes for anybody else, babe, I do find that men and women generally more attractive there. Because you're at an Indian wedding. Dude, that Indian wedding was amazing. I'll say no more because Bobby looks like he's falling asleep. That's not what it is because I know that you're into New York Indian guys. You know what? I, I, not these ones.

No, no, no. With those ones. No, not these ones. So what I'm saying is all these little punjian, punj, these punj punj that you're out there in the New York with the fancy ones. No, no. These are all family men. Watch yourself.

Watch yourself. They're all family men. They're all doctors. Every last person in there was a doctor. They're all family men. Honestly, if you said, if you said to me, I blew an Indian guy in New York. I wouldn't break up with you. Oh my God, Bobby.

I'd break up with me. I just set you up a very fine line. You accepted her. Very good. In fact, that's that line. It was so good. We can close out on that. What are we doing at time?

We haven't done enough. Yeah. What are we doing? That, that joke was so good. We can close out. What is it? Bobby, we're at 49. Oh shit.

At 48 seconds. Oh shit. Three more seconds. You timed it wrong. Lila, you should have killed it. You could have killed it with that. Say it again. What was it?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I blew an Indie guy. What was it? Hold, hold. If I blew an Indie guy, I would kill myself? You would. You would break up with it. I would break up with it.

You would not break up with her. Bobby, I'd break up with me. Yeah. That joke. Ew. That was stinkler. Stinky. It's just the timing.

It's just the timing. The timing, George. Let's do it. Let's do it. Unhelpful. Unhelpful advice with Bobby. Great. And Kalyla.

Firstly, my condolences, Bobby, about your father. Wait for him. I've never lost anyone that close to me, but I have had my GameCube crash before I could save my progress. Very funny. That is tragic. I'm not kidding you. On par, on par.

It's happening to be red dead. It's happened to be before. Yeah. Oh, dude. Five hours. Especially the intro. Because the intro is so long. You can't skip it.

I know. I know. So we get it, bro. Yeah. Same thing. So I'm looking for some suggestions on how to manage my OMG, oversized male genitalia. I recently started attending acting classes, and I am fearful that one day I'm going to pop a boner on stage, and I won't be able to hide my seven and a half inch long, five

inch girth manhood. Dare say I even get a little woozy due to the sudden relocation of my sanguine fluid. I cannot think of a better group of people to ask advice from. What should I do? Well, he basically has a cement block for a penis, except it's not very long. It's just thick as shit. Five inches. Which is the key I heard.

The thickness is what? To unlock. It's not the length. It's the thickness so that he's killing it. Yeah. What do you mean? Like not everybody. All the girls I've talked to.

Santino and I were just talking about this last week. That redheaded freak has a fucking white, freckly, ugly, pale, translucent piece of shit dick. He said it was long. It's long. Yeah, dude, it's pink, hints of pink, a lot of purple veins, but it's generally just kind of translucent. Yeah. You know, it's like, you know, it's not good.

It sucks. Hey, interesting. That guy. But thank you for doing it. You know all these dick is like that? That's fucked. Eric Griffin. His is not.

Is this translucent? It's not just translucent. It's like balls of black flesh jammed together with a bare, you know what I mean? And a little bit of sickle, you know, in there. Not good. They just filled in for you. Thank you guys for doing the podcast. Thank you for filling in, by the way.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Friends. Thank you. I love you. Hey guys, we have another sponsor. Question. Yes.

Which of my online searches does the government have a right to know about? I would say zero of them. You want to know the answer, Gil? I love it. I would love to know the answer of that. That wonderful question. That's right. None of the above.

That's what I was going to say as well. Now, if you have ExpressVPN, the answer is none of the above. Yeah, true. Without ExpressVPN's protection, though, hackers, governments, ad companies, and ISPs all have full access to your data. Gross. I don't want them using my web history or video searches against me. That's why I use ExpressVPN every time I go online.

What kind of searches would be fine? Oh my God. It's the most disgusting. It's the most very tender question. I enjoy it. Yeah, seriously, because I do a lot of stalking of people I shouldn't stalk. And I also do a lot of, today I do a lot of earwax videos. And a lot of searches for the new mosquito disease that's been very helpful.

Oh no. There's a new mosquito disease? It's not new. It's not going to deflate it for mosquitoes. Yeah, a lot of that and a lot of how, I don't know. Say the weird one. No, no, it's okay. It's okay.

I'm done. With ExpressVPN, you're safe. See? Thank you, George. I am safe. Guys, protect your online activity today and find out how you can get three months free at ExpressVPN. Oh my God.

Three months free? Are you crazy? Not one, not two, but three. ExpressVPN.com slash Belly. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com slash Belly for three months free with a one year package. Visit ExpressVPN.com slash Belly to learn more. The Me Too movement, white male privilege, hipsters, I'm a male feminist. By the way, this is going to be my last show ever, by the time this fucking gets on.

All right, so I just want to say this for real, is if you look at the history of comedy and you look at moments and who is going to impact the culture and whatnot, there's only a couple of guys out there, and you can say what you want about me, but I know everybody. I'm not great. I'm not great comic. I'm okay. I can kill. I've been known.

But Belly is a special act because he's one of those guys that, if he performs, everyone, every comic will pour into the room to see what he's saying because he's just one of those voices now that's very relevant, and he's one of the best comics of our generation. You have Chappelle. He's one of them as well, but Belly's got to be included in that. He's one of the best, and obviously Netflix is a very special place, and even though they don't like me, they love him. They love Billy, and they love the best.

They love Chappelle. They love all the greats except me, but it's fine. Maybe I'm not good. That's fine. I guess it was really good. But you know what's really good? Billy Berger. New special paper tiger.

Not only that, why it's special is because also it's done in London, and it's done by Mike Binder. You don't know who Mike Binder is, but Mike Binder is a 1970s, 1980s comedy store legend. Mike Binder was, and he's a friend of mine. God bless you. But please watch Paper Tiger on Netflix. He's one of the greatest comics of our generation, and I love him. Bye.

Enjoy the rest of the show. But this guy, hey guy, hey guy, yeah, you have a thick dick. It's nice. You look at it in the mirror and you go, oh, the life is going to be good for me, but eventually you're going to meet one person, and they're going to be tired of your dick one day, and you got to figure something else out. No, that's not what he's worried about. What is it?

He's worried about popping a boner during public circumstances. Fuck. It's a shit. It's a dumb move. Who gives a fuck? What? But pop a boner. I have a friend now who is in need of some unhelpful advice.

What is it? So. We're going to do another one. That was terrible. She recently asked me if, and I need to get a survey from the three men in the room. Would it bother you if you were having sex with a woman and you were, you had good visibility of her anus at the time while you're fucking her, and you see that she has a prolapsed hemorrhoid hanging?

How do I know what that looks like? Like a tail? It looks like a hemorrhoid, like a little ball, a meatball, like hanging out of her butt. Like because it's a, it's. I'll tell her. No, I know, but would that turn you off? Is it something that would stop you from seeing her?

No. Here's what I would do. I would come. No. Not to come. Out of. I would come. I mean, I hope you wouldn't stop.

And to pretend not that I didn't see it. Yeah. Yeah. And she, and then she's going to go, are you going to sleep over? I would be like, no. So it does turn you off then. I'm not saying I turned off. Let me finish my story.

Okay. She's just not sleeping over. I go, no. And then she calls me the next day. I don't text her back. Oh no. And then years go by. So it does turn you're out.

You're out. I just get your shit together. That's all. I don't want that. Mine back in there. You have a little tail. Little bump bump bump. Yeah.

What is it? Give me that. That's what the prolapse. Like it's a little hemorrhoids. A little ball. Oh my God. Look at this one. Let me see.

So you'd stay now baby. No, no. I'm out. You're still out. Let me see. Can I see just so I have. Bro, if that. Let me see.

Oh, I would. I would be more concerned. I would be more concerned for her. Because you could get her some more buttholes. Yeah. What did you Google? Prolapse. A prolapse hemorrhoids.

So what should I tell her? You George. If you really liked her, she was somebody you'd been speaking to. You really enjoy her sexually, but you just happened to see a meatball. Like you know, hanging from her butt. What if she had a little thing sticking out of her butt and then you blew it like a dick.

So you're saying it's long enough. It's long enough. Like it's sticking out like a little dick, right? And you just blow it. You're blowing her rectum basically. I know. Is that. Tongue in the mouth.

A blow job or no. Yeah, would that feel good you think no, I think it would because hemorrhoids get very tender and like red and dry and itchy Your asshole sticking out of your butt. Yeah, and it's probably dangling out. They're like I'm not supposed to be out of here I'm cold. Hey guys, right? I'm cold whatever right and then in its head the little asshole It's like I've never you know, no, I don't know what a lip is Are you in or out George? And then it sucks your dick your bat about asshole like a dick all right, I Should we just cut this off? I don't know. No, he needs this guy needs to hear this. I think I'm still in

I think I just completely ignore it for like a week or two and then would you address it terrible No, I probably wouldn't address it. I completely adore it. Do you like her any less I kill myself? Don't say that Probably not. I'd be a little curious as to what it was though. Okay. Well, I'm trying to figure out how to I would stop and I go to the doctor with her It's a hemorrhoid everyone gets hemorrhoids A lot of women especially when they give birth they pop a hemi out I don't know. I feel like I don't want to help her put it back in

Okay, but some people do that but then it comes back out during sex. Let's say then I'll just press it down Oh, so you would actually pull put it back in. Yeah, okay, but would you smell my dick? Oh? if you Out of curiosity. No, no, no, no, don't don't don't that's not good That's not good Hey, there's a what other question There's one unhelpful advice that I forwarded to you is which one is it hey guys? I need some unhelpful advice after 10 years of being married to someone who slowly got more and more mentally ill

The abuse pushed me to cheat with someone who was like my best friend who was also married with kids She wasn't happy in her marriage either, but wasn't as bad as me We fell deeply in love and our and our idea was to have a kid in secret And she would pass it off as her husband's and we'd just go back to being best friends And she'd send pics and tell me about our son over email now and again Yet crazy. Yes, but it was the only way we could be together inside of our child After she had him she stopped talking to me completely. I don't know why my son is three now And I don't even know what he looks like or how he is. I met him twice until he was just turning two

I wrote a long angry email to her telling her how much she hurt me by doing this I think I have to let go, but it's so hard to move on I also finally got the courage to leave my abusive partner So I'm trying to start over any unhelpful advice on how to let go of extreme emotions like this Everything with that person just feels so unfinished. That's okay. I don't I have I have things to say, but please can you see yeah? I think everyone in that scenario is mentally ill. I Think that they're delusional. I think that they're reckless And I don't think that they're people who should be with kids or having or being married or starting a family like that's all

Really crazy shit to me to be to be so like and this is the key thing She my wife was so mentally ill. She pushed me. She pushed me to cheat I don't know man that the that that doesn't sit right with me Leave her then no one pushes you to cheat leave her sounds like an excuse Yeah, and to think that you can Have a child together with someone who's already married Who has a child with somebody else like that to me is next level you're living in not in the real world You're living in fucking soap operas. I

Don't know. I I hope you don't hate me for this, but you don't fucked up. I don't think you did sick counsel I think you should rat that other person out though and say that that kid is mine Can't she do that? He do that. Who's it a guy or girl? I don't know. Yeah, but what if the woman finally came to her senses and he's like that was an insane idea I regret it I want to stick together with a family that I built with this other man who I love and I want to Remove this insane person out of my life who during a weak moment in my life, you know, I conceived the baby with maybe she's just trying to Things have finally come around for her and she's like fuck that. I need to run away and fix this

Yeah, but you know, you look at lives people's lives in the Midwest, you know, just regular people regular average people and You know, they go to work, right? They go to the ballgame in the weekends But it's you know, some people they like the kind of crazy excitement and the adrenaline rush of these kind of situations to Liven up their lives. Imagine, you know, you're in a small town in them. I don't know what this person's situation is But you know, all these little things, you know, you know, I'll give you an example of like, you know I could be in a coffee shop and see You know an attractive guy or girl walk in and go that person's attractive, whatever, right? But I don't really need to you know

Cheat or do anything at least to make my life exciting because my life is already kind of exciting, you know, that's in It's you cannot conceive a child bring life onto this world Because you think that you want to create this like clandestine love story. Yeah, that is selfish I know but that is not thinking that's how people make that's how their lives are exciting though That's not excitement. That's that's cruel. It is cruel It is cruel, but it's you can see why one acts in that way of like You know, well ABC not hot, you know, those that feeling of not getting caught hiding, right?

Doing extra things so that that you can get away with the thing that all that stuff is spy shit exciting That's why base jumping. Yeah, you know, like that's I don't know. I think it's a crazy story. It's a crazy story It's a good movie. I think That's what I'm saying. It sounds like I think he's Crazy soap. Yeah, that's really guys. Thanks for listening to another episode of the tiger ballet We did it and you know what? It was a real pleasure for me You know, it was mind mind over matter. I love you I'm doing Portland. Am I doing that now next weekend? Yeah, I'm in Portland next weekend

When does this come out tomorrow morning, I'm a Portland next weekend and And Thank you guys. I haven't been myself. I'm 28. Sorry. I was just 26 to 28th of September of September My birthday is Tuesday this coming Tuesday and I just want to say it's a special year for me From you two especially. I really need a special gift. Oh, I got you You always do don't you? How about you George? I'm getting you. I know I'm getting you I'm getting you too I love you guys so much. Thanks for listening. I just I don't know what's wrong with me today But you clean it this up. You can clean it up, right? You need to clean it up. My mind's not real

I'm strong. Maybe I'm gonna go. Can I do it again? You think anything? I'll get it back. I you need to cry. I Know but I can't what do we do That's what it is I'm just like pent up All these emotions I can't cry over my hand my dad It's weird. I don't know what the fuck about other things though. Yeah, but like I'll watch like Something that's beautiful. Yeah, you know or something that makes it will make me cry on the internet Well, there are some things that do it. I can tell you what it does things

I can tell you what those things are the weird what I like. Oh, you know, but I know what you don't want to be getting emotional over is People watching the Force Awakens teaser trailer for the first time live Remember the Force Awakens when you thought about JJ Abrams and he was gonna do that new Star Wars movie And when you saw that little teaser it was so Very Star Wars really the world was good. It was good. It just hit at the right spot and people watching it crying It makes me cry. You watch people crying. Yeah, I know it's dumb. I know But I need I know I need to cry, but I don't know how it might not happen for years Don't say that. I don't I don't know

Because I can't do it and I'm you know, I've been pretty fucking miserable. I think Yeah, I think I've been miserable and depressed I I Think that you have and I think you're also The fact that you're not home with your animals You're not home around the people that you know or at the comedy store. I think it chips away at you. You know That's what's familiar and in this really vulnerable time. It's good to see that familiarity and surround yourself with that Yeah, but there's also weird to be around people you don't know and to be lost

Yeah, and to like, you know You're in these like you're in the jungle with a machine gun Right pretend with your pretend machine gun. Yeah, and it's like two in the morning and they're like we do it again Right and you're sitting there Flooding and and feeling these emotions of your dad or whatever and you pinning it and just remember, you know You memorize these lines and I do this. It's just a weird Thing to be in you'd feel lost. I Feel completely fucking lost and I don't know what to do. I don't want to do Peters coming over

I don't want to do that. I don't want to do it. I don't do anything wait wait Also, keep this in mind. There's always an option if you need a legitimate break. Let's take a legitimate break No one we don't have to do this or a lot, you know, like if you feel Just unsteady the podcast is I don't feel like I feel like I'm not gonna get it back. What do you mean? Oh, I just don't feel like my mind. I don't think I don't feel like I don't want to really I don't know how to get it back The fun I don't want to do stand up. I haven't done stand. I don't want to do it. I didn't call in this week I don't want to do it then take a break. I don't want to do anything a break from it all But I don't know if I'll ever get it back. I'm scared. Don't be scared of that

I mean you just need to self-care. I can't even honestly like the four days I had four days off in Hawaii and I was like, I'm gonna write jokes I would go to coffee shops and stare at a wall for four hours just stare Like I can't think I don't want to do any of this. I don't know what to do Let's end Hey guys, thanks for listening. Thanks so much And check out our friend Bill Burr's new special paper tiger only on Netflix guys, oh

Go ahead watch watch my redheaded friend Bill Burr in paper tiger Mike binder It's good. So good. Mike binder directed it Who's a friend of mine as well and I love Billy so much and congratulations on it I love that he he addressed the whole me too thing and he talks about how people are like Overcorrecting and all like the worst way is possible And I think that it's very necessary to that that he said it in the way he did Yeah, I want to watch it. I think maybe I'll watch it tonight or tomorrow. You see Chappelle's yet. Yes. I'm gonna see that too I haven't done it. I can't I can't go ahead

I love the reviews for it. No the reviews are that the critics like 1% like 10% fuck them audience 99% who gives a shit about critics though. Exactly comes to stand up. That is like yeah, I actually one of the only reviews I'll never ever Read Sharon from the Washington and also these sticker packs that we created they're coming out our dope as fuck Look at look at how the cold this sticker is and some of these are great Wait, who's Who do you think that is who the fuck is that we need the tired guy is Charlie

Who's your former who's your best friend? That's Bryce He looks so slow. That's Bryce Yeah, yeah, yeah, he looks completely retarded full on he went like I'm full on full on yeah, wait Yes, yeah, why is Bryce on there? I love them though. That's a sticker pack is probably the best in the business Bryce got these made. That's why Bryce is on there. Fucker. That's fucker. Hey, you're smart guys Smart guy, but thank you for making them Bryce. Yeah, but thank you so much. I didn't know that I was like a Full-blown blown dwarf Why do you are so short? Yeah, why am I so short in these Bryce?

Anyway, um, thank you guys for listening. I love you so much and bye We love you guys make sure you follow Tiger Valley on Instagram at Tiger Belly on Twitter at that Tiger Belly emails any questions for unhelpful advice or helpful advice at Adviceunhelpful at gmail.com you can follow Kalyla at calamity K George Kimmel George underscore Kimmel look out for that swipe up and remember what Andrew Santino said is after three days unfollow him and also Everything Bobby live like his tour dates go to Bobby Lee live calm and everything Bobby Lee go to and Bobby live on Instagram. Everyone. Have a good night. Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly ad-free on Amazon music download the Amazon music app today or you can listen ad-free with Wondry plus in Apple podcast before you go. Tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry comm slash survey