TigerBelly - Ep 222: Bryan Callen & The Amazing Sphincter

Episode Date: November 26, 2019

Bobby is a concubine. Bryan is an alpha male. We talk Buddhist levitation, Brendan Frasier's clap, the theory of everything, and get a call from D'Elia.   Support us by supporting our sponsors!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly add free on Amazon music download the app today Hey, y'all, I got some dates coming up I'd like to tell you about them because my agent Matt Blake is making me do this San Francisco, California punchline December 12th of the 14th Hilarity is Cleveland, Ohio January 7th through the 8th Irvine Irvine, California January 17th and 19 Irvine Improvs Schaumburg, Illinois February 13th 16th Chicago Improv and you can find more at Bobby Lee live.com. Thank you Here's the theme song

Because a guy like this is alpha male like this man, you got to fucking protect yourself friend. I have learned I have learned to deal with you bullies. Whoa over the years. How do you do it? What? I go along meet me up on the last podcast For real for real that jug head that meat puppet that you you call as a very strong very handsome A perfect dick What does it look like? It's yours better than Delias because I've seen Delias. It's fucking perfection So Yeah, how about this I don't think I've ever seen your penis actually can we go to the bathroom show up to me You're gonna see it ten hot

Oh, right like a military uh-huh full metal jacket Yeah, right. Yeah, and then your dick. What does it do? Does it salute your dick? Oh, he's the general makes noise That's what it sounds like breeds. Yeah, I have lungs And I can feed him peanuts wait Don't say shit until I say your name Go ahead five four three two one Do it again, I hate it five four three two one Welcome

Welcome to another episode of tiger belly Kalyla Gilbert, huh? Jason Guys As you know, I'm going through a really hard time in my life So I you know we moved to this new place very nice Facility and I wanted to guess I'm like what guest I can get the redneck I Can get the redneck I can get trailer trash the Ovan, right? But you know his dune buggy is broken

Okay, I could get the top the Leah That was some fighting words. I have compliments for you All right, it's gonna tend I can get to the very top of the peak of the Golden Mountain when it comes to comedy Mm-hmm. They're yeah, you know, you know, you know, if you see if you watch a game of thrones and you look at What's the place the seventh? What's the place? King's Landing and you know sir C's on the top. That's Delia. Oh, okay. Some of us me. I'm the People that got killed by that green bakers boy. Yeah. Yeah. A podger. Whatever. I'm not I'm gonna die

Boy, that's good. Yeah, thank you. I'm the bakers boy. Okay, and then there are people that are like in the me Oh middle ground, you know, and there are people above that as well But she's not she I called the lead. No, she I called the Queen Whitney She was gonna do it today, but she had other priorities probably Chelsea handler But I go I Need because I'm in a very sensitive. I need a rock Yeah, I need foundation. You can't build a house on sand

I need girth. I need Honestly, I need authentic comedy You know me not fake shit. All right the stuff I need a movie star Because Stop stop stop right because when I saw the Joker, right? When I saw the Joker my friend, right, I saw Brian Kowns acting

Yeah, it showed this part of his face for 10. Dude, that's not cool. This is not a 10th of a second No, see that's not right anyone like this. I went you know me and that was no, I don't but in that little no Oscar No, I don't fucking Yeah So I wanted a movie star. Yeah, you know, I wanted somebody in the movie the Joker perfectly somebody who had Lines and a scene and a character. Yeah, but I couldn't get that Oh, come on. I couldn't because the thing is that I don't know walkie. Oh, man. Walkie wasn't a bunch of my scenes

Brian honestly, I want to say this on years ago When I would really bummed about my career and you try to help me out You really are a nice guy and I remember one time when Ari Shafir threw that ice shards on the Natasha Legeros face you remember that and you and dove David off got up and Confronted him. Yeah, right. You're a real man. You're a man of honor. Yes, you're a man of Frank You're the most I honestly between you and Delia intrinsically funny You've got and he would admit it too. You're the most intrinsically funny guy. I've ever met Give him a slap around you're a fake as fuck. What your piece of shit as well

Took it away. Yeah, yeah, yeah Brian Callan give him a round of applause everybody He's the host of a fighter in the kid and he's got other things on a new TV show on ABC called Brian's in Jimmy Trunks. Nope. It's called school school Before that. Yeah, and okay, then complicated apes guys You want to watch if you want to laugh and learn I get it apparently that's what the what is it like laugh learn in number one comedy special of all time stupid BB BB what because I was on splitting up together for a couple years ABC fourthly. It's fine

Yeah But You know, it's so funny because you and I are in the same generation of guys and We you know younger generation. They don't necessarily want to be on a TV show, right? Like I talk to them. Yeah, because TV is not the same. It's not the same. Yeah, there's bigger prizes Maybe even out there. Well, you can be on YouTube and be recognized by I don't know everybody Right and and you do it in in 10 seconds or it's just you can do it with your phone Yeah, and TV like I think one of my episodes probably costs. I don't know. Maybe I don't know

I don't maybe two three million. Yeah, and there's two hundred people involved in I don't know. I mean, it's and and Not that many people watch TV Like you can do a TV show it used to be if you did a sitcom you remember you it was you were like a household name Oh, if you were if you were a Little person Right in an 80s TV show Oh

And that show was a hit Models are sucking your dick. Yeah as a little I mean, yeah, Charlie Hill. Do you remember Charlie Hill? No Okay, Charlie Hill was our first American Indian comic at the comedy store. Mm-hmm. He was all right Yeah, you know, he wasn't intrinsically funny like you and Delia. He was more he just wrote cute Indian jokes But some like the woman that played Wonder Woman. Who was that? No, the original one. Oh Linda Carter Linda Either Linda Carter somebody like that Just fuck the shit out of Charlie Hill and he was basically an open-micro. I guess yeah

I mean that's back in the day if you just stand up at the comedy store. Yeah in the 80s Yeah, oh you and I would be there would be no moisture in our body because all the cum all the cum would be sucked out Rained. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's what happens when I go jogging Come that's your daily just cuz I don't run. I don't run with a shirt on You know what I mean, right? I know a good car. You know, it's annoying as cars drop out and they go. Thank you Oh, they drive and you don't even know why I don't know what probably because either it could be your talent Or it could be I just saw you and you're a fucking piece. Yeah, I don't know. Thank you Yeah, your back looks like a bear

Oh, you know, you're getting old Yeah, Bobby. No, I'm being wrong. You look like honestly sometimes I look at that You know those when I see a post of you I think you use those that Russian app thing with the face 365 Hey, man, perfect 365. No, well, they'll make it. We make you look old. What was that thing? Oh? Oh, yeah, yeah, that little app that makes you look old. I thought that you were using that but you weren't you Know your hands up. What we're all getting older, you know, I'm 52. I just turned 48 you did. Yeah I know. Do you know what the difference is? I swear to God in the past year? I

I have to warm my feet up before I get out of bed. You have to what I have to warm my Twirl my fucking because my ankles cuz I my feet are wooden until I warm them up I know that's a terrible thing. Yeah, you know what I mean? My brother and his friend Anthony were Playing keyboards right in my brother's room. Yeah, and my dad was taking a nap My dad's a rageaholic and he came in completely naked. My brother said he took the keyboard smashed it on my brother's head And then when he was walking out, my dad had tissue paper sticking out of his asshole And he looked like a Korean flat height. Oh, no, right

But then now I have a leaky asshole now, too. You do. Yes. Yeah. I in fact, I just saw underwear upstairs Okay, okay train tracks and it's a little duty, huh? It's not a little is a lot of a lot of oh, no Yeah, I have anal leak. It's my dad. Let's go ahead and get you a cork, huh? Can you get Anal surgery problem to do what to tighten the fucking shit my well, you know, that's your sphincter So your sphincter is losing its muscular. It's like the sphincter is the most incredible muscle on the body Yeah, this it can hold it can hold air it can hold water and it can hold Solid matter and it can tell the difference Yeah, I so it's a very asshole can tell the difference between shit and a dick, but it's a very it's a very diverse muscle that way

It has all these nerves. Okay. And so because you're not sensitive in the rump area. Yeah, your ass is starting to give up, huh? Are you saying I don't understand what you're saying. Are you saying that I want to take a look at it now? You're not gonna let no, no, no, that'll never happen. I'm gonna look at it against your will. Oh Oh, yeah, I'm an aggressive doctor now. Um, Peter Farrelly told me a story where he He's the Farrelly brothers. No, what so me? So Tom Cruise and I have a time-share, you know this we do jiu-jitsu together and Sorry, I do film and Guys guys guys What can't we have to talk we really do have to talk about that we won't okay crazy

I'll tell you about it. But uh, but um, it was such a crazy experience, but um So Peter Farrelly comes in his dad's a doctor and he's with his brother and he goes This is what how fucked up this is how funny this family was not crazy So he goes like this. He goes, yeah, what a night last night. He goes when he's Killing me and he goes, well, what's wrong? And he goes, I don't know my ass is just killing me. His dad's a doctor He goes, what do you mean your ass is killing? What are you saying? And he goes, I don't know. It just really hurts, man. And he goes, well, what the fuck? How let me look at let me see what's

No, I don't let me see it if it's hurting. Oh, it's killing me. I didn't want to bend down He goes, well, let me see the guy you buy the hemorrhoid. Let me see what's going on And he bends over and he has stuck a condom in his And his dad goes like this he goes, oh Jesus and then his dad, this is how sick his dad was. He goes, god damn it. Come on. His dad goes show your mother. Go show your mother I love it. I don't want to kind of have a family like that. I know that's a fun family. I want a career like this Um, yeah, the Joker was so so because I know that he likes you a lot. Yeah, Todd I don't know why but he does because he's using movies with all those movies, right? Yeah

And so he's just like I got a call Brian because you know, this is a big movie. I don't remember why yeah I got a call. I always get a call from like his assistant says, hey, do you want to play this aging Chippendales dancer? What I was like, of course, you know, yeah, I say yes. I don't know what it is I don't even know what's key. I know he's gonna let me improvise in the thing But I knew it was a very small part and then I didn't know anything. I just always say yes and And I knew it was a risk because he he's such a genius like he wanted to make taxi driver And he knew they'd never let him make taxi driver

Right, so he goes What if I do an orange origin story of the Joker because the what how did the Joker become the Joker? Right, and maybe that's you remember De Niro, you know shades. Do you remember that movie? Yeah, one of my favorite movies of all time. Yeah for younger people They don't but it's one of the greatest movies and one of the reasons I became an actor like that Enraging both I swear to God where I was like, I want to be an I want to what is that I want to do that How do you I want to could I just say something about taxi driver real quick though? Yeah, what I love about it is that There's such discipline in the movie, right? There's not a lot of violence, you know, you just see a guy deteriorating

Yes, right and that end of the movie When he goes through Harvey Keitel up the stairs, there's this whole thing, right Is so visceral and wet And do you remember Martin Scorsese's role in that movie that was that monologue God that monologue in the car. Yes, you couldn't say You can't write that now. I know could you I don't know but if you were a black writer Right and he wrote it and he's you know, I mean, then you would go Oh, it's he's telling it from his point of view. Maybe it was just so sick

So sick when a 45 can do to a woman's pussy. Oh my god, like he was just because she was up there Oh, yeah, yeah, but that is what his life, you know when in new york, I remember In eight in 82. Well, I mean, I remember going back to new york when my mother was from new york So Manhattan was dangerous. Manhattan was you saw crazy shit up dude. You saw crazy. I remember in 84 85 It was fun. You didn't go down to to the lower east side Yeah Now if you bought a fucking apartment on avenue a yeah, okay, and let's say 11th

You'd pay. I don't know for a one bedroom two three million dollars Yeah, you they had an expression avenue a if you're gonna a your adventurous Be your bold. See your crazy dear debt. Wow. You didn't go down there Well, my grandfather found out I was hanging out down on avenue a what are you down there for? I was in a Yeah, I called the fucking switchbladers That's called improv guys. Yeah guys guys guys

Hey About it And um, but it was they found when when thompson square parked down there when they raided it and kicked all the squatters out They found medieval diseases. They found tetanus. They found bubonic plague in the soil. Wow crazy shit. It was bad And it was always just so fucking dangerous like I remember this is the first time I ever saw somebody with a bat a tattoo on their face This was in 89 Do you remember back in the 80s when you would walk by with anyone the tattoo? You thought they were like a prisoner. Yeah, man. Now, you know, I mean librarians have them. Yeah

It's insane. I have such crazy stories because I I knew Tough guys, but I wasn't one and they thought I was because I did Because I did taekwondo with some really badass guys who were who weren't just taekwondo guys They were bad dudes They were like the real thing and I was just I was funny. So they they'd have me around But by osmosis by being around them. Yeah people thought I was tough It was so strange, but um, do you is that where you get is that where you're like you're that thing that you do? The what because cut out there. No

Correct me about that because you have a that's not I know who you really are. Yeah Okay. Yeah, and we're all exaggerations. Yes of who we really are tough guy. No, no, but you do this false thing That you do that's very fucking funny. Yeah, right. Where did you get that from having a dad that was 64 250 in a marine? And thinking I had to be a man I thought that was what a man was. So so there's a great deal of shame when you're born with your mother's bone structure You know, I had that joke So hard I got unplugged but that that's literally what it was

I had this joke where I used to be like my dad was built for war and I was built for dance Right, and you can't dance probably I I'm a beauty. I'm a beautiful Listen to me ballet was what I was put on the earth to do when I showed up in a leotard at 23 in theater school in new york city My teacher barbacolk came up and said where do you dance? I said I I don't you have that your legs and your body I was I'm I had a ballet dancer's body now. I didn't come from a culture that supported that That was considered shameful and had to be husky and eaten. So I spent all this time eating

When I wasn't hungry and trying to lift weights nothing grew and you're trying to be like your dad. Yeah, and my dad wasn't sensitive I'm I was a cat. I don't know So send seminal moments in your life where you go. My dad just would eat. He wouldn't get cold. He just wouldn't get cold So what? Yeah, and and he didn't notice what he ate. He would just eat whatever you put in front of him It didn't matter. Yeah, black coffee and just a fucking man Smell like english leather and he's shea. I mean everything was roughed away to handle a towel He just was a very he he was

It was like another joke. I would do is like it was like two men had a baby. There was zero feminine He was so like I always felt so safe, but he was so fucking tough. Yeah, and my mother said she'd never seen him cry He's his best friend died in the marines. Yeah, and he cried then I guess but like this like So you grow up with that idea Of that a man I had to be a bear, but I wasn't built like a bear on silverback I was a fucking monkey like a capuchin Or you know and I had this fucking this this um this uh, he was a self-help he was a sports psychologist kind of guy and

He helped a lot of people and he said I never forgot it He said I said one of my we were friends and then he kind of like helped people out of their ruts And he was kind of a tony robbins guy, but also worked with high-level athletes and I said, um How would you what do you think of me? I wasn't working as an actor and I was a mess and I was always trying to be You know, I was just I failed somebody's like you got successful I go I sat in traffic All my 30s and a lot of my 20s just hearing the word no over and over again. So, you know, I don't consider myself You and I though have same similar trajectory. I think yes, we do because I was never like the it guy

No, you know, I was never like your new faces or you're gonna be in the top 10 variety list and any of that stuff I was never considered But what I did have was no quit. Well, you're also funny as well as well But you know that that's not enough. Well, I mean, it's such a weird crazy business that when you when you just keep doing it It becomes your turn. Like I've said this I'm trying to work on this monologue my this metaphor But it's like success happened that the rate it would take you to kill Sparrows with a stone like for me like if I sat there with rocks and every sparrow that flew by I threw a rocket every sparrow That flew by I would hit three or four a year. Yeah

And if you came to my house after 25 years, you'd see a wall full of sparrows And you'd be like you must be an amazing rock thrower and I'd be like no I just threw rocks at every sparrow. So like I got so many no's but like maybe three a year Maybe maybe three every three years But I held on to them and then they kind of lead Slowly right and that's kind of how success happens at least by the time it happens You don't even feel like you're I even that big of an accomplishment. It's like oh, I've been doing it for 25 years. It takes a brain surgeon fully 10 years to

Become a full-fledged brain surgeon. Yeah, I'm doing it 25 years. I'm two and a half brain surgeons into the game But aren't you glad it happened now? I think so I can finally stop beating myself up Yeah, but but the guy said this this self-help guy said he said you I said what what do you think about me? How would he say well? I think you're great. I think you're psychologically sound I think but you have only one idea what you what what you think strength is Which is what and I went What's that and he goes well you think you think there's only one kind of strength? Which is the kind of strength they can run to a wall lift all the weight and beat up everybody

You are trying to be a dog my friend and in fact you're a cat You're a finicky eater. You're sensitive to your environment now a dog might be able to kill you But dogs have trouble catching cats because as the melee was going on you'd be perched on a wall Oh, yeah, you'd find out and it's true. Yeah, it was true You know if I was a soldier, I'd rather be a sniper, sir and be way. I don't want to be in the medical I would eat medical guy. Yeah, give me people. No, you'd be my fucking concubine Wow You'd be my girl. Yeah. Yeah, and you know what I would fuck you back

No, no, no, no bend me over that's burning village. No that you'd burn my village down kill all my family Of course, I would and you'd bend me over a wooden fucking thing. Yep, and you'd pump. Yep, but I would pump back No, I'd be saying there. That's because I'd be going like this America first. Yeah My assos leaky maybe Vietnam second And then I go this is for you All right, all right, this is too fucking far. All right, man. I'm sorry. I apologize. That was progressive. Yeah No concubine for nobody, bro So anyway, um, those are those moments of your life where you go

I gotta stop trying to be that when I'm just this young people need to hear that I spent so much time trying to be Like we you know what? I fucking heard something that was kind of profound these simple things sometimes like they might drop moments where a guy said mental toughness isn't about Learn, you know, bearing down mental toughness is just learning what not to indulge in and what not to think about Yeah, like what not to think about you're freezing. You're a navy seal. You're in the water Well, the guys that can think about something else and not think about how cold it is Just not indulge it. Those are usually the guys that survive. I'll enjoy the rest of the show

Have you seen the documentary hands on the hard body? I sure have you have yes Do you ever wonder the types of people that are able to endure that kind? It was you can never tell You can never tell in the beginning. You can never tell no by their by their endurance. I've I already know That one kind of religious woman who was able to stay till the very end and I think she was praying but it took her out of her It was she was delusional But it took her out of her any physical if you don't know what it is Let's explain what it is

So basically it's a documentary and I guess in texas at some sort of you know truck Say, what is it? What do you call it like toyota or whatever? They just said we're gonna do this documentary and it's basically you can win this truck Right. You have to put your hand like 30 people get in. Yeah, you have to put your hand on the truck. You can't move And whoever lasts. Oh, I think it's both hands of both hands. Correct. Both hands whoever lasts The last man standing gets the thing and they get like 10 minute breaks Yes, but it's it's like that one guy was eating snicker All right, the guy it was the guy who wore the wrong shoes

Remember and he had his he called his friend to bring in another pair of shoes for him But he didn't last year. I would bring eucalyptus. I would get all new age with that All the young people were gone. Yeah. Well, you know, I remember I remember you ever hear already letting tell the pig story No, tell me so so we did babe watch on mad tv. Yeah And already had to be dressed like a pig He was babe and he had udders and but it was Yeah, and and and and we were playing babe babe watch and he was the babe and And so it was fucking hilarious and genius

But um, he was in the middle of I'm not speaking out of turn because he's told the story He was in the middle of his his major cocaine addiction. I threatened this coke dealer that day. I I literally Oh, you did if I I don't want to go into that. Okay, but but it was so bad And he left in the middle of the shoot. He tells the story. He's he's a great storyteller and um And so uh, we were I've never been that cold I've never been that cold for whatever reason in Malibu. Well, the crew were all in around a down jacket And sweaters and they were around heat lamps It was because the wind was blowing on the beach and it was the middle of the winter in la

I don't know whether it was 40 degrees or 45 degrees. It didn't matter I've I had a wig on and and shorts and I had no clothing and I was we were all Sick cold. Okay, so they'd be waiting with these blankets and put us around them. We'd go around Dave Herman Dave Herman who you know, Dave. Yeah, of course. I love Dave thin. Yeah, and not in good shape and Yeah, and he's like a genius. He looks at your like typical groundlings. Oh, yeah a genius a genius and and a tough guy though in his own way. He's just tough and and um Dave

never Put a jacket on Dave just sat there and took it and I never forgot because I was the I always walked around like the tough guy in that group Yeah, you know, they were weak. We improv guys and I Know I was a wrestler in high school. Whatever. I well, you know, I lift weight whenever and and Dave would he just would do this he'd go And he just the whole day You have to understand that cold wears you the fuck down after eight nine ten hours

Yeah, I know I've been outside before you fucker. You don't know anything about the cold All right, he's wearing fur right now. But but um, I couldn't believe and and Later on I found out that I hope I'm not speaking out of turn for him, but his mother had uh, Alzheimer's or some kind of a disease Where she was bedridden most of his life and she suffered and then she died when we were doing mad I think and but it was the he said I go he said that's one of the reasons I never complain and I

I just never think that I I I deserve a lot because I watched my mother go through that And I know what he was doing probably there. I know he was thinking about his mother and he's like the way she suffered I'm gonna fuck like there's something soothing about suffering like that You know when you're when you there's something that's that's soothing about that. Yeah, you know that but that's fascinating when people are able to just Detach and watch because that's what meditation mindfulness is the people that are competitive athletes They can step outside themselves and watch Why you can also like reframe the sensation because like when I you can reframe this

Yeah, because like I think that when when I was doing a lot of like just really intense therapy a couple years ago One of the guys that I was in the group with he had really severe PTSD and see he had um chronic pain So he was chronically depressed and one of the things he was told was basically to not run away from the pain But to get so familiar with it that it doesn't feel threatening So your senses so it basically becomes something so familiar So your pain receptors don't respond in the same way. Yep And I wonder if that's the same with um somebody like well they they they

They step out and they witness this you want me to you want to hear something that's fucking that blew my fucking mind That made me that that's fuck here. We hear something to where it fucks you up. Yeah, like it fucks up your whole thing Like you're like, oh, I don't know anything Oh wait, I've been going to my life of 52 I don't know shit So So anyway, I'm I'm gonna talk actually I'm I'm from Italy. I don't talk that you know because I do a good american accent But you know, this is either so um, do you know eric Weinstein is?

Of course not. He's done Rogan's podcast a bunch of super smart. Okay. I mean, wait, wait, wait. Stop. Stop. Stop Stop. Don't ask me who somebody is And go of course not just because he's bright. No, I know but you're like, no, no, no I'm just saying your brain's like He's my fucking writing partner eric Weinstein. He wrote a book together What of the mind Shit Anyway, he's a theoretical math

I know I wrote a book with him. Go ahead. I see from harvard for the people who don't know phc from harvard physicist and uh, just a Brilliant mind, right and he's working on The theory of everything and now what is that bobby? There's the quantum reality, which is Einstein like new like atoms and then there's like newtonian rallyer Which is like, oh gravity like the world we live in Yeah, but sometimes quantum reality when you get the level of an atom

The laws of gravity and all the shit that we live in are reversed like like they're just the opposite It's it's the studying and electron is so behaves so differently and they're all blah blah blah There's Einstein was trying to work on what's called the theory of everything like what what is all of this. Yeah There's got to be a way. There's got to be a mathematical algorithm or some kind of an explanation for all of this, right? Yeah Huh, okay So, do you know what they are? Do you know what they are? Kind of concluding a lot of these what are they?

I don't like your attitude, bro You call me a fool. What'd you call me earlier? I forgot. I don't Know I did A concubine. Yeah Well, shave your mustache So tell me so he goes um, he said well Well, you know the simulation is is coming right like, you know like the idea that we're going to build a machine

A robot that is more human than human I mean, I don't know if it's going to be a hundred years from now But we are going to have a human you're not going to be able to tell it's going to human and a robot Right, but it's also going to have access to all the information now And so there's this fear that robots may become conscious and singularity have no respect for their biological and he said well We're beginning to think that

Maybe it's already happened Maybe maybe we're already all of us are self replicating machines, but we don't know it yet, but we're going to wake up Maybe Maybe our biological heritage is long dead Maybe time as you and I think of it is oh there were the Egyptians the ancient Egyptians. That's just a A relationship between two mathematical equations. It's not what you think it is We might already be in this massive simulation

So that everything you've seen is artificial including you and me. We may very well just be These incredibly smart machines and guess what we're doing is machines making even smarter machines and and so it goes and so we may very well be in this continuum And they're getting kind of they're they're working on the so so yes evolution. Yes evolution But there's something much bigger than evolution. Have you lost your mind? I know It's in a circle. It's so old But I want to hear the rest of it. I want to hear the rest of it. Look at it. No, I thought it's so fascinating, but that's the Let me ask you so if that's true if I die what happens I read

Well, so okay, so so so so check so this is where Buddhism and mindfulness folds in on the science watch this so, you know Um, I just you know, I believe everyone's saying the way you talk to me the posture is downward so many angles Yeah, I don't like the downward Directly the first 20 minutes his arm was caught like a jab the whole time like that But you know, it's funny it's none of none of these are my ideas. I just heard them and I heard them like Yeah, but now I'm like an expert now. I'm like this with you. Yeah

Because it makes me feel better. Give us the room. Just talk to me like normal. I know, but I'm trying to be dramatic I know. All right. I am talking I know you always do that by the way. I'll keep doing it. Don't don't So So like We're we're if we're in like the simulation Like it's it's crazy that We are so if I die what watch this question. Okay, so so this kind of blew my mind too

Like look at me for a second. All right, like the way you are now. Let me ask you this weird profound question Where are you? You where do you begin? I begin here. What do you mean? Where where are where is bobby? Bobby is right here try to locate try to see the seer like are you behind your face? Can you oh, I see what you're saying. Can you locate the seat of your attention? So Now you're getting to this. Yeah ecartol because ecartol. It's not ecartol. It's buddhism. I understand it buddha

But but I know I'm not gonna give that guy. I'm not gonna give that guy But this is why you're right. You're right. Actually, this is why I learned it. Yeah, you're right that there's your conscious Right, but there's a seer an observer. Yeah, I know that because sometimes I observe my behavior And I go what the fuck you're doing. I think that's my true self But meaning meaning there may not be a self. So when you try to locate yourself At least this is what the buddhas who get into this who do this I don't I'm not but I've I try and I I do this and I through sam Harris I do his app and I read his book and I've read a lot about buddhism. It doesn't mean anything

But doesn't mean I know anything about it. But but but but but but the idea would be But the idea is I'm gonna levitate and I'm not even right. I'm playing What was that mel Gibson conspiracy theory? Hmm with will I don't forget who was in it. Oh julie roberts. Anyway, yeah, but but um So but but so my dad just died. Yeah, so what happened to him I don't know just but I do know that does he get reabsorbed or the machine does he start over? Maybe we are simulations. Maybe Maybe yeah, maybe maybe there's

Someone at the controls. Maybe there is Maybe you are sort of an avatar of something that is You know, all right, you know what dude, it's fucking mind blowing though. You're freaking out right now bro. Where do you begin? Where the fuck do you begin? I fucking hear Lane again propellers same joke. It's fucking heavy But I mean it is kind of fucking mind blowing when you ask, where do I begin like behind my eyes? Where am I listening to you from? Yeah How would you measure sound?

How would you those are the things that are very fucking profound when you start to and then if you hear those guys who are talking this way Those physicists and theoretical mathematicians those people that are working on this idea that might be in simulation And you see how it kind of folds in on itself with the notion of buddhism like there might not be a self That we may very well be the self of replicating machines What think about think about what we are we are machines. Yeah, we need we need to shut down and recharge We we need fuel. Yeah, you know, we all that stuff. Wow difference. We're just very complex machines Yeah, and we are learning to reverse engineer our very computers, which is our brain. Yeah You know, it's funny when I'm in therapy now and it boggles the mind how deep the psyche goes and trauma and all the things that one experiences

And how it's connected to your body how we're just these intricate like machines right with like Abilities to evolve and grow and learn So maybe you are right man. You're freaking the shit out of me right now, right? I I fear that if I subscribe to that theory too deeply that I'll just forget the humanity and say fuck it and just not show Kindness or even so that's really interesting. You say that because I thought about that That's that's that was where I was like if we're all machines and it doesn't matter anyway You can fall into this nihilistic thing. However, however, I think that's a trap. I think that

Just because we're machines doesn't mean we're not supposed to Because because here's the other thing. I also think we are somewhat wired To be to have a sort of a moral sense In other words, like we know we know when we're lying and not only do we know when we're lying It manifests itself in our bodies if you're not a total sociopath. Yeah, but we do know and sociopaths Unserial killers and people there is something wrong with their brain. They don't they haven't pinpointed exactly But they know that there might be a malfunction in the brain We know that people's brains their computers Robert Sapolsky who's the behavioral evolutionary biologist said in 20 years 30 40 years

We're gonna go and I drop these things. I love it But he's gonna go in when we have somebody who's who opens up on a school god for better kills bunch people We're we're gonna go we're gonna think we're gonna go back and go remember when we used to put them in jail Mm-hmm. Remember how we used to call them evil and put them to death Yeah, and we didn't know that that what was actually going on was that there was this glitch in the program Yeah So it really makes you kind of go But but you know what I mean? We do have a moral sense

Even people that do terrible things But is that moral sense something that is just learned by the machine or is it something that's deeply embedded in our I would suggest it's deeply embedded because even children don't have a deep sense even even children have a sense of fair play Even infants know that when their mothers are in distress and and more importantly Think about like how let's stick to nazis. Okay, one of the of an egregious example. Never heard of it. What's that? That's it. What do you do? Nazis they um even Groups like that that commit genocide and things try to justify

What they're doing on moral grounds Yeah, they they well. We're fixing. Yeah. Yeah. I had an acting teacher said if you're playing a monster like Stalin or hitler You can't play him like a monster. You got to play him like a man is trying to solve a problem Because that's how human beings are even twist. Okay, so if this is all a simulation and we have that much control and we're all just self replicating at this point where do diseases and viruses and bacteria and Um, protozoans come why does that exist? How are we not able to control that? Two are those two are simplified machines, aren't they viruses are for sure machines And because they self replicate within a self replicating being apparently. Yeah, so that's some inception. We're also learning how to use viruses to

Oh, right took your chance. Okay. Oh three fingers up while he drinks water Because I'm gonna when you were on the Joker. What was he Joaquin Phoenix night? Take it down a bit man. So he was so Jovio Was he nice? I mean, I he was so in character that I never I never said yet one way He was in the room with him. How far away were you away from him? Oh where you are Bobby Did you ever feel the the need to to like say anything to him? I'm too old because I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I'm too old for that

Yeah, because I don't care What about your acting? Yeah, there's no actor that that's gonna make me like I don't give a fuck Right, right Also, I like when you see stuff like that when you see like You know, whatever an actor doing his thing and you're separated a little bit and you I know not to say anything I think you can't help you wouldn't be able to help yourself. I would say, um, you want some water? Yeah, he's I would say something like I think he's a very sweet guy, but oh well for me I was in the room and I was watching him

Um And for me, I when I I came to see Todd and I saw the the scene when he's on the bus when he's laughing Oh my I haven't seen the movie, but he's laughing and I went I I I'm not kidding. I've been doing this 25 years I saw that frame and I went oh He's gonna win an oscar And oh and furthermore I I've been acting for 25 years. I don't know how to do that. Yeah, how to do that How do you do? I don't know how to suffer. Oh, I don't know how to lose 60 pounds for I don't know how to live on an apple a day. I don't know how to do that

Yeah, so for me like I was I was kind of in the presence of such Such wonderful effort and talent and artistry that I'm not gonna fucking say anything to I'm not Shit. Hey, man. What's up, bro? How you doing? Yeah, fight with the kid Body We're machines, but he that's not how he works. He works. I he can't work that way Because I remember Michael Rosenbaum told me because he still sitting on this podcast He saw him at a party Yeah, and he you know how you see something like I did this with Judd once

Where I saw Judd at the comedy store. I hadn't talked to him in years So I thought how do I open the conversation and I found the thing and it worked for me. He talked to me That's so nice. Yeah, that's how I got on love. I mean, he's a gracious guy, right? It's a good guy, but Michael Rosenbaum when he saw walkie. He had the thing So he walks up to walkie and walkie and goes not right now, man And what Michael just turned around good. Yeah, I would never do that. I don't I know I wouldn't do that He's not he's not that guy. That's okay. He's a very strange cat. Okay. Let me ask you this Who would you like at your attic cafe? Yeah

And there's only you and some other person. Yeah, and somebody that would you say anything that whoever it might be? You know, maybe Jason Statham seems like a great guy. Right, dude. You guys are similar You know, whatever he is. He's a guy I could get along I like, you know, but right then, you know, Vin. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, like I love Kevin Hart. Do you know Kevin? No Nice, he's the best. Oh, yeah, I bet but he's the he's the best like he's the funniest Playful most playful most generous. He's the best like I love that guy I it bums me out that I didn't know him young when I was younger. So yeah, best friends with him. Yeah He's the best person. Wow. And he's so funny. He's such a silly goose. Yeah, he like you and I the way we play

Yeah, that's all he wants to do. So him and I would be really good. Oh my god. You guys would be I can't believe you don't know Yeah, I don't know. He's he's so funny, man. He just He's and he's so fucking generous like I when people say anything bad about him I get so mad because I don't even I don't know I know him well enough But I think he's such a good person. Oh, that's I've seen that motherfucker reach in his pocket when nobody was looking The waitress was all hurried and she was running back and forth this poor little lady. She was like She she probably had two kids at home and she was kind of just kind of a little bit You know, waddley just a tough life, you know and Kevin just without anybody

He didn't I didn't say I look at it and he pulls out He pulls out a lot of hundreds like 500 bucks and he goes, hey, thank you I just want to thank you man. You're doing a great job. I know it's tough out here Thanks for putting up with us and just puts it in her pocket. No so nobody could see I love that motherfucker He's beautiful and then I took it from her. I robbed her after That reminds me of when Sebastian was in the or ones and there was a black lady He thought she might have been like a street person. Well, I don't know but she was there with cat. Williams He wasn't in the he was like somewhere else in the room

And when he killed and when he got off stage the woman comes up to him and goes Cat, why you need to have this? It gave him 500 bucks. He also wanted to say you're fucking so funny And cat never talked to him That's great. She just walked into the darkness. That's great. What? Yeah, that's called class And that's the kind of want to make it weird. Yeah, you don't want to make it weird because it's weird You know, but he had some cash and he laughed really hard at this guy. Hey guys. Just send me a fucking What do you show it? Let's play play by the mic. Hey bud open for me

I love him so much. Face time. I know how great is that guy? Let's face time. Let's face time Bro, I love his fucking he'll just send me a headshot of him. Go ahead. Is he there? Yeah, bro Yeah, you're on tiger belly right now What Oh, I don't know she get off the screen. I told him he'll never be on tiger belly Yeah, he's never gonna go on tiger belly. No, no, she got off the screen. We're trying to keep this level up, baby Hey, hey chris. Don't fucking send me videos saying open from don't do that

Oh, okay. Sorry. I thought you liked fucking money and fans. I have I make money and fans bro. I have fans and money. Don't look don't Okay What about me, bro? Oh, you have you come on. You have a few. Thank you so much you man Chris, you know what? I'm gonna give you you know, I'm gonna give you bro I'm gonna give you a fucking slap up. You know what a slap up is Yeah, what hey, what do you have a book insults from the 50s?

That's not Look man. I want to give you a slap up. You see I'm gonna give you a slap No, no, that's that's street because I'm street and you're from passive deep. Yeah Hey, dude, what's the deal man? What are you doing talking about dude? You're fucking No, I did he bagged. No, I didn't they fucking bagged me. I was like, I don't have the time They go they go they go. Hey, brian promote your dates Because you're gonna be at the Wilbur on on new year's eve So, and also brian talk about complicated apes. It's our favorite

On everywhere but Netflix Dude, oh my where are you bro? Yeah, what right still? No, I'm in Tampa right now, dude. Were you playing there in Tampa, bud? What's that, Bobby? What's the venue? Um, I don't know whatever's biggest man Dude, that's annoying. Yeah, he gets to choose when he lands you real pop is I'll play the forum. He says they sat it out, right? Yeah, I was Yeah, no never mind. We love you, bro. Thanks. Thanks for picking up. I love you, buddy

See you chris give him a run across chris glia. He's a real man And he's he's the king the top of the mountaintop and there are people underneath him No, there are a lot of people underneath him. That's weird where you're clapping I don't like trying to catch a fly Brandon Fraser clap at the golden globes. Bobby seems to think that's what ended his career Have you so I've already is the biggest taking the Hollywood. I believe it. I believe it Sorry, bro But you how did he clap and why were you well it became a meme

I don't believe that that's what did I think it did because it became a meme and he does this Ha ha and he does this weird Finger thing he's bad and it becomes yeah, watch it here. He's a good guy look look And I think that that's what fucked him up and ruined everything. Yeah. Yeah, because it became a meme And he already wasn't doing well, you know what he was doing great No, no, no, no, no, what happened was this is that he was supposed to do mummy 3 or mummy 4 And um, he was waiting for the director the original director And the studio was like, no, we want to make it now

He's like, no, I want to wait for the director. So then okay, the rock is going to do it And then that's it. That was the only marketable franchise that he was a part of And he should have fucking done it, but maybe he just didn't want to act anymore too. Isn't that possible that? Yeah, I always you know what? I always wonder that and I always tell him look like what if people are just over with it over it And want to move on to the next chapter in their lives. He refuses to believe any creative wants to stop Let me tell you something on tiger belly. Let me tell you something When when my show

Is done And I love that show and I love everybody I work with. I love it, but there's a good chance O'bri will be doing just podcasting And just fucking stand up. Okay, because I got tennis to play I got wine to drink I got dinners to fucking attend Because I want to be living a life of leisure. Don't like work in 12 hours a day because I'm lazy. Yeah, okay It's not it's not because it's not what you think it is. What people think it is. It's a lot of sitting there

Yeah, it's a lot of like try these socks. Just Yeah, no one's you know what the worst of what no one's gonna see it. Yeah, or when props gets put this pen here Yeah, and continuity. I got no one gives a fuck About this pen. It's it's a detailed manual process. Yeah, I mean it you know and again, I I love Doing, you know, you get so attached to the people because my show like I love the crew I love the fucking actors and so the idea of it going away would be such a heartbreak because you fall in love with the people You work with yeah, and you make good money, bro. I make fucking a million dollars an episode I know and I give it to charity because I don't need it. Yeah, but you have to admit though

It's easier money than stand-up in some sense No, for maybe not for you because I don't know what you're standing up because I assume I'm just assuming what you make on your show. Yeah So I guess you do make about even but do you think that well, I'm I look I got lucky and I do all right on that show Right, but I but I I'm there 12 hours a day. Yeah, a lot of work. I'm not saying I'm not complaining It's awesome. All I'm saying is that I'm lazy and if I I've gotten to a point where I can afford To be a comic and a podcaster and for me. I'm about money and not art If you say that okay, go to the fucking go I'm helpful

I'm fucking We'll talk about go ahead unholy advice do emails now Bobby Kalilah and Brian Ellen Dear Bobby tiger belly gang and mr. Callan. I'm a 25 year old guy And I knocked up this 26 year old girl because she said she was on birthing Birth control. She was on birth control. Birth control when we had unprotected sex and a month later. She's pregnant

She didn't believe in abortion and I didn't it's her body and her choice. I didn't want to push her We are very incompatible. We fight almost daily. I love her, but I'm not in love with her I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me and I'm missing out on true love Am I a deadbeat dad for wanting to leave the family in life? Should I stay and try to work it out for another year or drop everything and start a new life? My name is z Oh z Well, um, my advice, I don't think I should say I think

It's pretty for me. It's pretty easy. You hate each other. Don't be together. Be financially responsible and you're not a deadbeat I agree. Yeah, I don't think you're a deadbeat at all. You got her pregnant The baby is not to be born yet You can absolutely be an amazing father Be in that child's life and be a responsible example and all that stuff You just don't have to live you you deserve love Your kid what do you want to do raise your kid in a bad relationship? So that's their model with two people who are lying for for what a shitty thing to put on a child

Hey, we stayed together. We're miserable for you. Yeah, that's awesome. That doesn't create guilt. So young man young man Don't marry this gal but be there for your child. That's the most important thing and always be there And find somebody you love Because this woman is not the truth for you. Yeah, she's alive because you're gonna waste time You're gonna you're gonna think i'm gonna make it work. I'm telling you right now 10 years down the road You're gonna leave that's 10 years out of your life that you could have met somebody Yeah, so yeah, you gotta fucking do it now. Yeah

And it you're not being insensitive at all. I don't think that's an insensitive move. I think that you should just Absolutely get out of it as soon as you can Just be fully financially responsible though, but she probably hates you just as much as you hate her Deadbeat dad is a guy who's just not there. Yeah, and you know, you can be a deadbeat dad while still being in a relationship with a mom There are many ways to be a deadbeat dad 100% you don't like the cookie right or what? Nah, man. I'm just eating because they're there next time a little food bro instead of suckers You got you got fucking suckers. You have dates. You want to plug bro?

Come on bro, bro. You got dates. You want to Bro or all right. Look, I'll be at the Wilbur a Wilbur theater in boston great Who's doing that with you alone bryan callum? I know but you have no opener. Oh, they're already at the door They're literally camped out now Yeah, I'll have maybe mollik b maybe steve blue eyes. I don't know yet. I'm gonna bring some people Maybe my buddy Herman. I got some people but um, maybe bobby lee you never know and then um I'll be at the celebrity theater in phoenix, and then I think I'm in nashville. Just go to t-fat k does any Yeah, okay

bryan, um Honestly, I really truly Love you. I you're a handsome guy. You're so talented. Thank you, and um, you know, you're the first guest I've ever had In this new studio. Yeah the first day we've done it Yeah, so you sister found me to be the least favorite. Yes, I mean Well, we did Brian was my favorite. I was like, should we bring her down? I was like, yeah, bring her down I don't know. You don't don't bring her down

You know, it's so funny today because she uh, I was like, you know, bryan callum is her guest today She's like, you know what? I still get emails from his um army I've about how angry they are that I you know an opinion You know, why does she just why does she it's like I'm arrogant or what was it or do I just rub her the wrong way? I don't know. She you know, she's a lead nurse in a jail. I think she reads people really well I don't know what she read about you, but you must have not I'm a criminal. No

No, she's attracted to you Hey, don't that's that's absolutely not true. That's what it is. I think that's the giveronro pasta bryan She's attracted to you. You know that's true She's in love with you, dude guys Make sure you go to t-fat k so you go to bryan callan find his dates and also Yeah, purchase complicated apes on amazon and itunes, I believe

Hello sleepers. Thank you for listening to this very funny episode with bryan callan um Make sure you look at everything for bobby lee and bobby lee live.com You can follow klilec calamity, okay? george georgian squirt jason and j Out and you should find me at your place Hey

Prime members you can listen to tiger barely ad free on amazon music download the amazon music app today Or you can listen ad free with wondery plus in apple podcast Before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey