TigerBelly - Ep 225: Jade Catta-Preta & The Blessing Of The Hounds

Episode Date: December 18, 2019

Bobby's life is in HD. Jade does (not) look like a Paradise Bird. Khalyla does discount scuba. We talk not sharing oxygen masks, being rich enough to be zen, red bushes, & Jesus types.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad free on Wondery Plus come see me live I'll be in Irvine, California at the Irvine improv January 17th to the 19th Schaumburg Illinois at the Chicago improv February 13th to the 16th for more information go to Bobby Lee dot-com Bobby Lee live dot-com let's start from the top no Bobby Lee live dot-com okay enjoy the theme song keep that enjoy the theme song um you want to start five four three two no so no so no so trust papaya here with my friends and I'm doing the Jaya I didn't know what to rhyme with Paya but

you know what in improv you add information and sometimes it doesn't work let's start over five four three two welcome to the podcast you guys I'm in such a really good mood I think I'm peppy I'm grounded I am ultra realistic I'm altruistic I'm white yeah I feel good I feel you know I I'm so appreciative right now and I know you guys don't like the grateful game I know when you guys go oh Bobby's happy he's grounded he's doing the grateful game I we like it when he's sad and up against the wall fighting his way out but no not today today is about truthism today is about connections man and I want to say

something on group level if I may the best yeah I'm saying right now man if I didn't have her I probably wouldn't have survived this ordeal the last two or three months that I've been gone through I'm fucking dying she's dying and she's dying and she's emotionally drained my soul has dimmed she's done she's dip below the fire is going out fires gone and now it's cold weathering this man it's sad but you know what dude you're an icicle baby and that's all I give a fuck about you know you your face has gotten more to three-dimensional three dimensional so it's grown because for years I thought he were just a line yeah

yeah I mean you because you would face me some way I go what's that line and then you face me I go oh it's a real face you know I mean so congratulations on that thank you and you know what I should stop making fun of your fucking fucked up face because on camera keep doing it's gonna look so much more fucked up it's gonna be great he has no pores oh he's poor list oh unfair it's so unfair we've got these two groovy dudes groovy dude yeah the country people man I love it all right all right and we've got somebody a guest here that I have to be honest with you I think that I have always had the eye I've always been able

to look at a young person and go there's something about that and people would call me all the time don't support her like executives you would call no like you know someone like you know Elon Musk or somebody or you know me one of those times yeah I mean don't support her I go why we don't know I go you don't see it I see it you know it was one of those kind of things and she's she also remind when she's performing especially she reminds me of me how I perform oh and just the vibe and stuff and I've always really just and you know she was with me we I was doing shows with this guest even when I wasn't doing

well and I was kind of like you know when the rooms were half filled but you were still there with me and so I feel like I struggled with you I do she is the new host of talk soup um no it's called the soup called the soup but I want to call talk soup and you know I have to say that that is just such a good news it you know it feels like a win for us as well yeah a win for the family it's a win for tiger belly and it's also the first time when something really great happened to somebody where I was 100% no like why not me you know how sometimes you get you know somebody gets something you that's the first thing I

literally don't have that it was like finally to me and but also you think like of course Jade yeah there's no and I know who you beat out of there I want to say it I want to know you know I'll tell you later but so that's that's no easy task lady what you did you survived all that bullshit comedy stories sexism male-diamondated bullshit and you fucking wrote rose out of that man and that's fucking amazing I want to say her name Jade Catapretta congratulations thank you guys um how do you feel changed or do you feel the same I feel so much better everyone is sucking my it's the best yeah yeah my first time I was

ever on a lineup with Whitney at the comedy store was this weekend wow 11 years of doing stand up wow and I love it because now you you now get to hop over people there and there's no exciting there's no way they can't give you a spot no it's like the spots have been like an eight o'clock spot on a Friday is like oh baby right you like that yeah for people who don't like like care about stand-up and are just using stand-up to get ahead like they don't care but for me that's like what I dreamt like yeah all this so I could do that yeah so it's for me it's like I was looking around the other day like on

stage just not believing and I you know when I love you you know I love you so much I didn't know all this shit was happening with you I just hadn't seen you yeah I was you know I took a little sabbatical you know I had a mental breakdown yeah I lost a bunch of weight and I had a lot of stuff but you know what man honestly for the first time in my fucking life and I want to cry right now but I've been crying a lot that's good you're releasing stuff and for the first time in my life I feel like life is an HD so I walk out of like the house and I notice things that I never noticed before like fucking birds and shit you

know man leaves I always wondered why he hated nature so much and I realized like he's been he hasn't seen anything he hasn't even noticed a tree in years yeah because you needed it you needed like the down for the up you know I mean as cheesy as that sound yeah you kind of needed it I don't know yeah I did your colorblind and now you see colors yeah put on those glasses new pair of glass have you seen those glasses that gives people they can see colors they have oh yeah best videos best video one babies can't hear oh yeah oh right when an old man does it oh my god his whole life he's been racist there's this one video

that I just what if somebody wasn't racist and now they see color and they become a racist the kids are off the move out yeah yeah yeah what's up those glasses called there's a name because I want to do a shout out to the company chrome chrome chrome mines but there's this the video I watched last week was sort of a kid putting on the glasses in front of his whole classroom I saw that one they're like look at the map look at the map and he was trying to be cool about it because his friends were around so he was like wow wow and all of a sudden you just saw his like cheeks start to shiver and he just sort of full

scale here's just running down there and chroma and chroma glasses even like videos like that I never did like you know like when a dog mates a soldier you know the soldier gone for a year gone for a while good they go crazy before I be like I would like kind of go past it in a if it's on my like you whatever but now I watch and I tear I feel like I just I've become a human again I have a question but this is kind of dark and intense I think about this all the time because like I have my own stuff with my parents and like the stuff that I'm dealing with now and I feel like sometimes parents can be like oppressive

in a way where we kind of become the people we are to deal with them yeah feel like you've released a lot because of a lot like with stuff with your dad it's so funny that you just fucking said that and I promise you I'm not gonna go into detail I promise you because she just fucking brought it up right I'm sorry no it's great it's great that you see that I have to say this that my parents changed through time but the first 20 years of my life was a nightmare an utter nightmare and I cannot fucking believe I survived that bullshit and I'm so proud of myself in this sense that I could have done so

many bad things with my life you know like become a murderer or been an arsonist or you know me somebody likes fire is that what does that yeah what does that person call it's a pyromanic pyromanic pyromanic pyromanic pyromanic but I could have done all these things but I I had one skill set the only thing I knew how to do was to get a laugh and for some reason that calling made me survive but so without comedy I'd be dead yeah because I would have no options I don't think but I survived a lot of traumatic fucking things and I've been dealing with it and that's all I kind of want to talk about but and you got a

house on the hills now baby I know people you know I was like I mean here's the thing dude it's like I'm not Eric Dain or you know a fancy actor you know I love I don't know that I love him see available or what's up but I think I'm on celibate right here oh yeah we can talk oh oh I want to hear all about oh me to two three weeks no porn no masturbation oh yeah that's good get that towel energy yeah yeah it's like it feels funny down there I don't even have a pussy anymore I think it's like why did you choose to why why this I didn't mean to cut you off I I started reading this book about like reserving your like towel

energy having towel energy and and then also I just like didn't have time to date and I decided to get off all the apps get off all the yeah it was just taking a lot of my energy and I was like chasing these like hot dudes who didn't care about me yeah and then yeah like now I but I feel people too much you went crazy back then you fucked a Korean that's crazy oh yeah so you fucked a homeless Korean man in a he's not homeless he has a house now I walked into his closet I was like where was all this stuff before all right he's cute I met him but yeah my lowest low as I was with my showrunner celebrating got super

drunk and took home this guy that I had met at a warehouse or a where what are they called like hardware store it's called Home Depot Home Depot yeah he worked at like a home you fucked a Home Depot guy and he made a copy of my key and the keys didn't work so I was like you're not even good at your shit he showed up at the improv was like what are you doing here he's like you texted me and I was like okay yeah drinking is not for me not my but you know what if this is you I feel like this is your time and for you to reserve your energy and to focus all your shit on this is pretty cool man yeah I'm trying I'm trying to

like this feels like the thing I've always waited for like you know other jobs you do I mean you're like I hope I don't get fired tomorrow I'm like no this is like I have something to bring to this like I'm psyched about it and it's been cool it's also I'm sorry to say but it's your skill set too yeah because you're a great actress right and you're a great stand-up but I believe that some comics can't do that yeah I like to believe that too yeah they can I the reason why I would never pursue talk soup or soup or the soups the soup however you say it oh my god talk soup doesn't matter it does it's the name

they know what it is it's gonna be promoted yeah it's fuck man yeah all right so yeah when people go we love you on we loved you on breaking up together it's like whatever nobody says that I know was ever said I love you on spilling up together my point is is that if they did I'd be like that's no big deal I mean although at the airport where like I got for the first time I got recognized from what Magnum and that's awesome like a 90 year old man I still remember when we were together and some guy goes I love you in Lynn in living color and then he started singing the inliving color oh my god and you

were like stop let's go get your bags let's go but that's you know I got used to that yeah everyone thinks I've been on something people think that I'm a different guy all the time and I think that's another thing that I took from me coming out of this new phase is is that because I did heavy counseling and therapy sessions yeah and I have a lot of self-hatred yeah um you know if I'm what shame when you're a kid that's beat like you can see the most seemingly confident person but that's just seemingly but also what it's also like having to love the person that does bad things to you brings you a lot of shame

and guilt like when I deal with my family like my dad's a different guy now too but like I have a lot of things from growing up that I feel like resentments that I haven't worked through and then I have a lot of guilt I'm the same way I have a lot of guilt because I have a very short fuse with my mom so I'm very impatient and I cannot for the longest time I couldn't figure out why I treated her differently than others I'm like why am I so mean to her and no matter no matter if she is mother Teresa now which she is she's a wonderful human the emotional imprint from her beating me as a kid is still there I

haven't worked it out and that I'm always gonna feel defensive and rageful towards her so we're not gonna have kids right we all agreed although no really I'm feeling that like hardcore give me that give me that guy save him put him back but I saw honey boy and I walked out and I was like I'm never having kids all right I haven't seen it yet I just the mic I'm so sorry I was like what's honey boys honey boy is a movie that Alma show the direct Byron Bauer's his girlfriend this beautiful director named Alma she directed this movie with Shaila Shaila buff and it's about his dad and him when he was like a 13 years

old and his dad was like a stage dad I know I know his dad and like he was like a clown and like yeah he was he did open mics with me back holy shit and it's like just about like the abuse he went through and I don't know how real or you know like how it is it feels really really real and it's brutal it's hard to watch it's hard to watch you know it's beautiful my child was brutal too and but here's the thing I was mad at my mom when I was at this place and but I did work on her and her history and why she does the way she does and her trauma and what she went through and once I had a better understanding about

her history and that she did just did the best she could under the circumstances Mary to my dad was a leg up for her right a guy that used to beat her right is a leg up so I was able to find some sort of sympathy you know and and love for her and so so I think that's a little that's a little different but I want to get there I want to feel that I want to be able to offer people grace in that same way that you've been able to yeah because I feel like my rage is just bubbled over in the last couple months when for so long I thought I had reconciled with all these me too it's all coming out and trying to say oh hey

you know like I'm an I'm adult enough to to make sense of my own mother's trauma but the truth is like that it sits in my chest so heavy and I haven't been able to feel joy and so long around someone that I love so deeply yeah that I love so deeply but I don't feel joy around that person and it's such like a lot of things I just found out some recent things about her childhood that were like well really yeah and they're like kind of going through it like and my poor mother had a worse childhood than exactly wait 50 times worse yeah yeah I think mine was very I had a good I had a good upbringing as far as like you know

I was never beat but there was like some I think things just brought me that pulled me down kept me down kind of verbally yeah and I was like that's why I found the comedy store yeah because it felt like home to me like and when that's your home environment and they felt like a fucking problem but I didn't really have like an abusive environment growing up but it just felt like kind of this in like comforting place like when Tommy was like you're not cool I'm like dad yeah yeah you know also what I learned is a word is to be the opposite word of shame is being authentic right so I'm trying to be mindful your authentic self yeah who

I was born to be because I was carved by the experience that I have and all the things that the way I punish myself when I make a mistake and I really do punish myself and all those little things that have sprung up in my life the rage that I have right over note because of a parking space right is all directly correlated so I'm just working those things through I know this is a comedy podcast and I know that we're getting a little deep but we're here to celebrate Jade's job that she just got the soup the soup the soup you know how we celebrate that over here we jog trauma yeah but it's the best way and

you know what some people never go through this yeah imagine they go their entire lives they never even think about why they are the way they are or they do the things they do yeah it's cool that we get to do it we were rich enough to be zen even if you don't have money but like it's that thing where you know we have the way we're lucky enough to do to get to yeah yeah yeah we live in a we live in a society where we have places that we can go and you know yeah but there are places like in Russia there's a saying there's how much rage Russians have if you hit me with a feather I'll hit you back with a tank

Jesus right that's there that's how men are raised so imagine of emotion like emotions that human beings have naturally like sadness you know empathy you know all those things that they can only because of manhood focus on two or three motions which is anger right pride you know those kind of things not helpful it's not helpful at all so it's like we live in a society where we have places where we can go and deal with these things and but this is a comedy podcast and Jaden the soup but it's so funny that because I just I'm on a show and Joe Mikhail just did it which one I'm on a show called game on wait what is it it's

not how it comes out in March and it's basically me and Rob Gronkowski you know who that is yeah you're saying his name Gronkowski Rob Gronkowski's multiple my friend it's two of them anyway Rob Gronkowski and I are teammates yeah right and we compete against every week yeah against Ian Carmel oh my oh my god I have heard about this yeah so we so yeah yeah yeah yeah right yeah so it's me and then we have a third teammate so we get like Kevin Nealon was on my team I had Rhonda Rousey on my team so but you're competing with each other and let me say something I want to show my

physical comedy skills but also I'm competitive yeah so I'm climbing the slimy walls I love it I wish I got to do it is it done yeah I just shot oh man but let me say something 100% that because when it comes back yeah they hear because you know James Corden is my producer and stuff so like I can you know and Ben and I can probably suggest you and they would they would hire you right away I would love you on my team yeah we do gymnastic routines and all kinds of stuff man but um that's the new show coming out at CBS game on and Keegan Michael Keese is hosting oh he's so great so you know the show is you know on

the surface but it's so much when does he do it all he's on everything he he's such a nerd he knows everything not only does he know everything he's so multifaceted he's like a Shakespearean actor he can do it all he can do so good one take everything yeah it's he's so good and he's so prepped yeah yeah he is so good and honestly I don't think I would have done it at ultimately if he hadn't called me because I powerhouse productions though yeah that's why I had to do it yeah so busy it's so good you wanted to be doing more TV stuff it's good that you'd like we're not happy doing the road all the time well you

spent ten ten years on the road yeah it can wear on you and and you know there are people like that are kind of like I don't want to call him up I'm going to there's a Carlos Mencia who I think is a great performer he really is one of the best performers I've ever seen and you know I know that he wants to get back on TV and this and that and you know I've had the opportunity to do that so it's cool but you know what I really want to take care of myself and that's the first time ever said that I think that that's so great is taking care of yourself that's why I like when you're home you're generally happier more balanced when

you have to get on the road you're such a difficult person that day it's hard to say no to like when you're a comic I don't know if it's I think we have similar brains where it's like but if I say no then they'll want me want me for anything else and then yeah and then ultimately you're not doing anybody any service because you're like tired and you're not doing anything good being home is hard for comics I think yeah really hard of you I'm gonna be home for Christmas it's first time ever really yeah your parents gonna be both there they're gonna be in Virginia I went for Thanksgiving I did a lot of

Virginia things I went to the blessing of the hound but they're done what's the blessing of that you're not interested you go like seven in the morning you start drinking and you go to the field and there's all these hounds and all these horses and they've dropped dressed up the horses really nice and they basically can't like Fox hunt it's illegal so they there's a person that 6 a.m. is running through the woods with this rag with Fox smells on it so then the the hounds chase it for like an hour and you could shoot with shotguns what no no no the people are just on horses chasing with shotguns no shotguns a lot

what's important it's just to bless the hounds to get them ready for the hunt oh training I did wake up to shotguns every time out every day that I was in Virginia that reminds me I used to go to my friend Michael's house and we do those dog things that we did the Vic with Michael Vic yeah we dog fighting yeah that's different it's different yeah they're dogs I lost twice I like nail dogs to trees you know that that's horrible would he would drown them oh my god for losing this is a dark episode no it's not because the soup I was the other day in the main room and I like kind of couldn't remember any jokes like

not a single one so I did this thing right I do this new thing where I I sit on a guy's lap and I'm like hitting on him kind of and I'm like let me look at your phone let me look at your phone and I'm just and then I felt like so I felt like you I was like I felt like you had taken over my soul like I have these moments sometimes where I feel like because I looked up to you for so long and I've been on the road with you for so long that you like take over me imagine that imagine that if that was real like where you spend enough time with somebody where you be like temporarily become possessed by their

I feel like comics that work together do have these isms like sometimes I'll see Kevin do something that's really similar to me or vice versa like we I think we kind of morph like together it's weird also I only choose a certain type of person to open for me and they're all generally people that are in my wheel house of communication and the way we do things like I love Sebastian Monos Calco but I wouldn't have a Sebastian open for me I don't write right because it just just the style is you know weird but like you I've heard you fart you could take a shit in front of me yeah the first time ever gone on BuzzFeed is

because of you yeah BuzzFeed would you guys do for BuzzFeed yeah because I when she was on stage and this is back when people didn't lock their phones yeah and I just you still don't lock yours I know but I took her phone and I posted things on her thing uh-huh of me like that show my asshole yeah and then it was like random comedian girl got assaulted by Bobby Lee right I think they put my everything and it was like yeah yeah it's really funny I don't know it's it's it's fun to like finally do something where people give you a little bit of respect that's what it feels like for so long you're kind of just there

being like what about me and they're like not you you know and then now feels like a little bit people hear me a little more and so I just hope people fucking like the show you know what the pressure but you know what Jade it doesn't matter yeah because the climate that you're in is different than it was when Joe McHale was doing it yeah it's there's so much competition out there that's why I'm doing I'm putting I'm doing four things because you have to do four or five things because back it's equivalent to doing one thing 20 years ago yeah it's crazy it's crazy yeah I talked to I met Hal Sparks finally I was

so psyched and then he was like always be three jobs ahead that was like his advice he was like always think three jobs ahead like always really like think three no no and I was like no I think there's something to that like this connects to this that connects to that like you kind of are always like putting that little fish and rod out there being like what can I catch you know what's Doogie Hauser's name Neil Patrick here and Patrick yeah I can say it better that way well Neil you know has he said one time I saw him in the interview about the analogy of like show business right you're just we're out there in

the like surfing and right and we're all waiting for a wave and some waves are longer than other waves yeah but you have to enjoy being out there yeah I'm enjoying surfing a little bit right yeah but even if but you have to enjoy even when you're not on a wave and just out there enjoy just the whole vibe of surfing that's part of it right I had a hard time I have a hard time with that it's thanks those difficult for me I know it is it's it's very difficult for me to yeah and this is something I'm learning there was a whole switch over like they fired all the execs at E after we had found out I found out about this

in June so and I haven't told anybody wow I told a few people like I didn't tell it you know I didn't put it on social media and then they fired all the execs and I didn't think it was happening and for like two weeks my reps just got crying phone calls from you my life yeah and so I'm happy that it all came to get and now it's like that everyone on the team so strong because it's such a tiny team and I just want people to come out like I'm scared to go on the road now and then nobody comes so I just want people to know it's I honestly believe that this is a shift for you and I didn't know anything about it like we

didn't I didn't ask you why don't you want this podcast because you've been on this podcast is your third time this is my second time but I have to say I get a lot of messages about being on the show you guys have the best fans everyone's like when are your entire belly again I'm like I got to get a show yeah I did it all the time I'm like guys the soup is coming out I want to announce it on your show of course so that's what I wanted but that's but you're even if you aren't on the fucking thing you're always invited here because you have my fucking point Jade if you fucking listen you skinny face oh my god thank

God you're being too sweet I was getting like nervous I was like this is dude also buy a forehead now oh yeah it's like eyebrows and then the top of your head like what the fuck is going on me and also listen to me right now dude you take a photo dude yeah look at this your face so pretty thank you so much if you're a bird of paradise like the plant no there's beautiful birds they have tiny and Papua New Guinea that's their national bird yeah oh that's such a random that's such random knowledge yeah it is right we also we watch planet earth oh I love planet earth mmm anytime I see you guys I just feel like you're

in Hawaii you just been in Hawaii so much you freedive like 20 feet I haven't died birth and then come back someone last week I think we had Brian Kalanon I honestly thought that I was looking really pretty that day and I got a barrage of messages after like you're looking so pale and sickly I hate when you think and then I know I blame George your color correction it's gonna when when we go I'm not kidding you when we go ocean diving and and you did a little head tilt and that's fucking rude no I'm trying to remember we're supposed to scoop I know I want to scoop I do scuba I want to scuba with you guys any who

fuck you fuck me okay when she goes in the water and her and her mutant sister and your sisters are mutants oh are you talking about Jenner you're actually oh you're actually yeah and they freedive it's like I want to go down with them but it's like they go down so low you have to practice it your lungs expand over time I mean they literally like it's not even fucking human I know it's crazy she has gills yeah it's like incredible the way they also the way have you scuba dived I think it might be good for you hasn't he's not I think it might be good for you the cloud but bitch we are unified you need to rewind

cuz think about this lady yeah I don't like it beautiful lady yeah call me bitch it feels right hey bitches listen bitches okay honestly I'm not like a really like calm like let's do this like I did it the first day I thought I was drowning the entire day and I was like no water and they're like you still have air and I was like I did and they're like don't ever do that again on your first dive yeah did you use up a lot of oxygen yeah and I was like I'm out of oxygen I'm out of oxygen they were like were you out of oxygen I was like it's a full tank and they're like you could fuck us all up if you do that again so

don't do that again and you know how like this means up and not okay right that's why I'm always okay so I'm like when you said oxygen brought me up a little story I'm gonna say we might have to cut it out but what do you know who April Macy is if oh no I know the story the airplane story the best story you're gonna have to cut this I don't know this I might have to cut it up I'm gonna say the story I don't care because I shame I used to be my roommate yeah okay yeah so Shay Matash and April Macy used to um just you couldn't see if you saw one you see the other they would dress exactly the same okay and they were had that kind

of relationship so they and they were doing some sort of tour in China it's an all-women tour I think Sarah Tiana was there and a couple people but April and Shayma was um sitting next to together on this military flight but they lost like you know I mean out the plane was going down straight down the engine when the engines fail that's terrifying so scary yeah so they're going down right and the oxygen mass came down right and April's one came down but shame was didn't so April put her's on right and shame it goes and the April Macy goes like this and turns right and then and then the one the planes are and

the plane elevated it was everything was fine you I mean it's you know that's it we've done this before when we were younger and really reckless and stupid and diving into Philippines but we could only afford one tank we would go down with a regulator and trade regulators but we wouldn't go that deep but you could do that she could have given her the mask just a little bit don't put the rubber band on just hold it on your friend's mouth right but I just say do your mask before you do others I know what they say but I how about this she could have at least tried to read another mask and I say this next time if I

was a millionaire I if I was with a girl I would purposely set it up so that we go down and see if my girlfriend would share the mask and if she doesn't ask she's not the one for you but considering how much trauma we've all endured collectively guess what we're all gonna freeze when no one's gonna have a mask on we're just gonna die yeah we're all gonna die all right fucking Debbie down or what the fuck the suit you guys need to hook me up with somebody because I feel like Michael was a great first choice really got me I have a lot of single friends that are very available and handsome I like a

long hair not are you really looks I'm you like hot boys I do like hot young boys that are like how about this I have a lot of women I have something I want to throw in the basket and I hung out with them last night is it Blake from workaholics cuz I'm into it I don't know who that is cute as fuck great actor is that the blonde guy from the parking lot what parking lot he's really good friends with Ashley Ashley Hamilton yeah look it up he's available he's cute as fucking he's an actor I don't you know not really know he's not he's not oh so no actors yeah I feel like one hitch up or oh yeah I know a guy that works at

fucking a Best Buy in Cleveland you know we come on lady I know but that's the thing I want to date somebody who's like builds furniture or something like that oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's good with his hands and he might have a tiny farm with some herbs in it right yeah hold on we should tap into the HGTV talent then oh that's a great idea but I feel like those guys sometimes are like maybe buy and don't tell people yeah I don't say tiny farm I say Jade's forehead farm oh my god how larious what's his name again play on words I don't know it didn't work but let's move on

ashen home yeah cute as fuck I gotta look hey guy all right it's uploading well it upload it it's the same guy that I'm talking about from the park yeah yeah yeah yeah parking lot guy he's cute he's super cute like long hair though he's not really my type he's a little white for me oh so now it's getting very specific yeah because I dated a white guy I wait a white comedian for eight years I don't need to repeat that I did it all right so you want Brazilian what do you want flavor wise oh yeah Brazilian's good cuz you're guys too I'm not gonna lie like that Korean guy really switched things up for me Peter he's so

hot who do we know who's like a Peter I want to say something to you right now my god he's gonna love this Peter what's his last name okay because I met him before we're friends Yang Peter Jang yeah he's beautiful Peter I want to say something right now and you can never this girl right here dude with a never fucked an Asian person in her whole life but you broke her cherry and let me say something to you right now we are gonna build a statue of you a little one here in this fucking thing we're gonna put on this thing man just pay peerage in that's not killing the game here oh my god yeah he lived in a van that he has a girlfriend now he has a house a girl friend they're

doing really well he's gorgeous I met him I know you fucked up why did choose your model you had option babe oh my god model but you know what you know what he was ready to settle down I wasn't ready this is girl you know his girl's real cute you only put half her face on well he puts full faces on another photo as a tear dress no I don't know there's something to the celibacy I feel like fucking I feel strong I feel ready like I feel energetic yeah and I feel vibe vibe vibrant vibrant yeah me too the colors are brighter and I'm not even on mushrooms yeah yeah and here's when I say I'm gonna say something to

everyone right now when I say life in HD what I mean is this the other day I saw a red bush like wow what's that woman yeah I was hanging with caretop he showed me his pubes no I'm kidding how many pubes you know that thing is full I know because of the looks like a serious rightly dick yeah and steroids fucking probably just fucked up his baby yeah yeah soft dick you know but anyway I saw a red bush that was actually floral like a floral bush yeah right and normally I would have to sound so cheesy we have to cut this out so cheese now do not cut it but um it was in Arizona so I walked out of a therapy session and I felt like

it was a really good one and I and I looked around I went wow everything's more crisper and then I walked by a red bush and I decided to be mindful and just be curious about it so I looked at it and I saw so just so cheesy I saw love this four red petals and then this pink and white what the nectar what's that little stick thing that sticks out with the nectar the stem they get a little yeah so it's that the leaves and the little thing that sticks out with it where the hummingbird the pollen the pollen the pollen stick anyway um the leaves had spider like um figurations to it and then there was three ants who were

like trying to get to the nectar and they were all trying to balance onto this little fucking leaf right yeah and I observed them for like three minutes and I remember things saying to myself I would have never saw that and witnessed that and I know to you it sounds cheesy but when you're blind and you're self-centered and you're just trying to fucking make money and make it and all that stuff you're blind to the world around you and I am 48 my dad died and I no longer want to live like that I want to also want to say that I want to have it's just fucking I knew this was gonna happen since I left that fucking

place I'm so being so fucking new age it's fucking bullshit but why do you have to label it as new I don't know why because I'm this is my new intimate self selfless self and it when it's coming out of my mouth it feels weird because I used to say hey gook you know me for my dick you know you've subscribed to the idea that only damaged people can make good art for so long and sometimes healthy people can make better art so don't be afraid of being healthy yeah you have you should have levels to your life too like you know like this you went through your Picasso blue now it's yeah you know this is like

after he stopped beating people and levels and like yeah I what do you think okay so yesterday you know I had lunch with Santino I've never had a meal with him in my life and he's a close friend of mine right and I want to do more of that with even you like I'm why did you say even you because I think that I think we're friends out of women I would I think I could have a relationship a real close friendship with Whitney yeah I think I could have one with you yeah that's like because I don't ever I've never seen you as sexual yeah I don't know why I know I love it it makes me feel good a painful no he's

said this to me before it's why we work yeah I can't look at Whitney as a I don't never see where she said that where she said as a joke she was gonna suck your dick and yeah that's why I found that to be funny because there's no true yeah it's crazy I see it's just like Gilbert and I but I feel yeah we couldn't do it if we try right right be laughing the whole time yeah yeah yeah but it's I've always kind I know this is how I feel I regret this already but I've always wanted to be closer to you I think a lot of people that are close to you feel that way yes like feel like we could never really fully be don't you're

not gonna get me I will not cry for you but you know it's like your validation means a lot shut the fuck up bitch you watch your place in life all right fucking the soup man I love it hi Cheryl Benji's dog right yeah oh really you know it's so funny in my mind and I know you guys are good friends Benji or what's his last name aflalo aflalo and now you guys are friends and there's no nothing going on you guys are just being close friends but I've always thought to me just in my head right why are you smiling I didn't because you're saying all this stuff

like buy me a guy that's in that I think there could be guys around you that you haven't considered it could be yeah and I think that someone like Benji who is a great writer I've always thought that he had he was a brilliant guy he's brilliant but I vetoed that decision yeah yeah it's he's a very close friend yeah you have a close friendship with him there's he's got a girthy dick he does have a girthy I know that from from from fucking fact-checking yeah that's hard you know I know this I know this cuz his brother took a picture of him once getting a blowjob from a girl in high school and you can kind of see his dick

in it yeah I heard I heard what yeah yeah I heard out of me for saying that butter from seven federal women that I know he has midget vibes about him like he's a small guy he's a small guy how tall is he he doesn't have midget doesn't have a big head or anything I know but he's a small Jew he's a smaller guy he's a smaller guy he's a tall guy whenever I see someone that's not my ethnicity that my height I always find it to be a little bordering on dwarfism I see sorry that's all yeah you know but I had a good run on Raya like I dated some hot girls it was good are you just would you get into like a deep

emotional relationship with a woman yeah yeah I want that it would be cool like I've been always I like had a couple really cool experiences with women one girl I dated I like really fell for her and then I scared her how'd you scare her she was like she had mentioned to me that she wasn't very sexual and then I got drunk and I was like I want to make you come I freaked her out for sure are you allowed to say that now you're that you're on a network I'm in television it's yes it's no because I talked to say you're scaring her I know what I'm saying to you this is that you know I get comfortable here so yeah yeah but I

always get worried because you know you're around like when I'm on the game on right and I tell a really edgy joke like then in my head I go don't listen to Tiger Bell I know I know I get nerve I had I like I did like a media cleanup before the show started a lot of removals a lot of room did they make you do that they did it actually it was really cool they only asked me to like remove like four things that were like kind of aggressive and I was like you're right yeah but then on my own kind of with the media company I was like yeah I should remove like 95% of the butt photos that I have up just cuz I want I want people

think I'm funny and look at that material instead of like jacking off to my butt you know I mean jack off to my face um but you know what fresh starts I you know what it's because of that SNL guy he's got us all scared yeah I know but that's scared we are in a real fucking dangerous fucking area man I don't want to I don't want to be canceled before I'm even started I don't want to offend anybody I don't want to hurt anybody I just all my jokes come from my own in security so that you know I just hope people know that but that's but when you say that though that's why these younger people I have to say this younger

comics I went I was at Montreal congrats by the way I know you want to do that deep down inside and you never admitted it that's rude but that's true I did it for the first time too last year or something the year before yeah so I get it and you know my timing on that was great because I got to host the dirty shows and my shows were Jimmy Carr and fucking you know I mean like the biggest ones and I was hanging with all of them but I met this guy Andrew Schultz who's gonna be here tomorrow I love Andrew he's gonna be here tomorrow and Andrew you know there were people that agencies that wanted him and they were like calling

me going talk to him about me so we were talking at dinner Andrew and I he's like fuck all that I don't want an agent I don't need it we have the same manager yeah he has a manager my point is is that these younger people have a different approach to comedy and how to build an audience and all that stuff and they don't need the affirmation of networks and I wish I could be like that but for some reason I think it's important but I don't know why I'm not like that either I have a real need for network TV to think I'm important yeah why is that I don't know I think it's what we grew up watching and kind of

worshiping like but I definitely like I like it's a validation thing yeah you know what I mean it's like I don't have enough I'm not gutsy enough to be like fuck I'm like I'll do it on my own I'm like nope yeah and the one movie I've been I've watched this movie probably four times which one what's about in a time in Hollywood oh yeah I haven't seen that four times yeah bro when I first thought I'm like what the fuck is the worst movie ever seen I asked her I didn't want to see it but I've seen that movie four times in a row I literally it's my Bible do you identify with the Margot Robbie character no oh really oh

whoa the Leo to I gotta watch the oh yeah the Leo I'm not giving any spoilers but the Leo's character right is so fucking funny to me it's like when he messes up on a line and he beats himself up in a fucking trailer you fucking loser that's me right that's me so I relate to that there's a one scene where he's in a scene he's in a Western scene late in a scene yeah he doesn't know his line so he interrupts he goes I don't know what's the line right and he like kind of freaks out yeah and the director just keep going you know and he's like yeah all those little things right and what I also want to say about the movie

is it's brilliant because um the ending is so fucking amazing to me and funny and incredible and violent and so great that it's the best ending I've ever seen in any movie I love that fucking movie I think it's the best movie it's it also has um the most realist-looking 1960s LA I heard about that I heard how incredible the set was I want to see it's on my list have you seen knives out is it good I was like I thought I was gonna be I didn't think it was gonna be a shitty movie but I thought it was gonna be like a holiday movie that you watch with your parents and I walked out being like that's one of the best movies I

was a while parasite I was gonna oh yeah let me talk about knives out real quick yeah I was gonna boycott that movie why were you gonna be in because of Ryan Johnson who's Ryan Johnson he directed it did Ryan Johnson directed I don't think so I think he did he did you know who that is yeah the guy he fucked up the last Jedi oh I thought it was for other reasons you're gonna he fucked up the last Jedi that's out of my wheel I don't know and I looked at last Jedi I went I'm never gonna watch another Ryan Johnson movie again but now I'm about to fucking watch knives out what the fuck knives out is so good you know what

happened it's up there's three like very big pivotal moments obviously I won't say them but right before they happened my mom said it and then my dad said it and then somebody in the audience said it like it was like like we're approaching this person and we don't know who it is and my mom goes oh my god it says the person out loud and I'm covering her mouth yeah and then the other time like some big thing happens and my dad like calls it out like right out like and then somebody in the audience does the third one I was like what the fuck it's like they ruin like these best moments for me in the movie

theater the third movie what third movie did you ask me parasite okay but you asking me that it's like ask asking you I know paleo paleo is you know do you know what empanadas is that's not a Brazilian thing dude that's a miss yeah they have it there yeah let me give me another shot then okay do you know what a fucking acai bowl is that's kind of an Americanized version of no but the Brazilian style is good yeah it makes you shit quick yeah yeah yeah yeah man you look so thin I feel like I could pick you up 22 pounds holy shit 22 stop adding one pound each day oh don't worry about it I tell you why 15 okay who 15 pounds

no it's not because when I went to the place I went to they weighed me I weighed 155 oh so yeah you're I'm trying to do the math on that I think it's close to that which but you were 175 I was 175 oh yeah okay so that's a lot of weight I'm fluctuate I'm wrong yeah I apologize apologize but yeah and also but I'm slowly gaining it and I want to say this I had a deep deep dish pizza last night it's from black black bird it was the best I've ever had in LA oh I love deep dish it's so fucking you have to order 45 minutes ahead to give them the time to bake it typically yeah I love a deep dish you can order it to your house one

from Chicago it's like a hundred bucks yeah yeah really good you look like a winner right now you look like you look like champ USA I'm tired I haven't slept in days but yeah yeah your titties are the same as great yeah my tits are gonna stay the same good don't ever change but my face will get tighter no I don't think so because you have one line she's like you your face is very perfectly symmetrical hmm I have a lazy eye no not like mine yeah mine sometimes when I smile this one's just close you mind you when I'm tired mine too and do we talk about that one documentary on Netflix we talked about what the one do you know

who I am oh yeah yeah we've seen that already we've talked about this like can we such as suggested to her though if you haven't already said it's called tell me who I am is it the one about the twins he lied about the growing up I saw that I almost watched it the other day but I'm like really deep diving into Love Island UK oh my god I love Love Island I'm buzzing I'm buzzing oh my god thank you I want a lot of you know that intelligent television but I need my garbage I just so you know what I don't like it when people call it lowbrow too much because like it's so well produced it's such an experiment in people hurting

it's so interesting like people like hurting like like cheap yeah hurting yeah but like these people are isolated okay they don't have their phones they're away from their family most of the people live with their families still they're away from their families for like three months in this little island where they're like this is what's happening you know and they're like it's just a full I don't know it's just I'm fascinated by I think it's an experiment in people I just like you know I like it so it's just fun the UK ones the UK ones the only one Australian one is not as good the UK one is so good they have

these challenges Bobby they have to kiss each other it's so fucking there's so much tension and then you see them have sex on the show yeah I'm gonna show you this video stop for a second stop for a second no just stop for a second yes okay I'm willing I'm willing to try you're gonna watch this video I'm willing to try all the shows what's the one that you kind of sort of of course oh my god it is gold this season it's been but the best clips have come which which couple are you into this season of June my stomach is growling I'm so hungry all right well then I have to go to a meeting so what we had time was over 50 oh my

I'm gonna show you this video we will I'll show you the fuck show me the fucking video because we have to do unhelpful advice I got to go to a meeting on helpful advice with Bobby Kalilah and the host of the soup wait I've never seen you do that what the fuck I don't think so okay can you say my name with it Jay Calipere this is the best female listener I'm 19 years old college 19 okay I was like what a very fragile age 19 year old college student who currently lives at home and works at a part-time job in 2018 I enlisted in the military but got sent home and since then I felt completely lost oh my god

after being sent home I became incredibly depressed and it seems to get to me now and I've lost to care I've lost caring about anything in the winter of 2019 I went to college out of state and met some great people but never met a solid group of friends to cope with being lonely so I turned to Tinder and Bumble and met a guy who goes ghosted me because anytime some sort of romantic relationship goes well I freak out and self-sabotage myself by cutting everything off I was forced to move back home in the summer 2019 due to tuition becoming too expensive and I now go to community college fast forward to now I

become virtually hopeless and have lost all care for anything I am feeling two classes I hate myself and don't know how to actually be hopeful for my future when it seems like I won't have one I often joke that I don't think I'll live past 25 but in reality I don't think I will I guess what I'm asking is how do I deal with my past failures and stop self-sabotaging myself all the time she's still 19 yeah 19 I want to feel hopeful about my future but I don't know how to thanks I'll say one thing we'll call her miss M I'll say one thing everything leading up to 19 is not a real failure those are just shitty life experiences

but they're not failures I promise you're not a failure failing happens a little bit later in life miss S M miss M I'm gonna tell you a story miss M that happened to me when I was I think 19 or 20 I was living with the five people in a two bedroom apartment on Draper two blocks away from the comedy story in Lohoyam I wake it waking up by my landlord going there's a guy from Surfer magazine who's here and he wants to talk to you so I walk outside and he goes hey man I'm Cliff me and he had long hair and he goes I work for Surfer magazine I go okay he goes your friends with Jay Schweikert right I go yeah he's

my boss at the Panic in which way I worked he got I'll tell you this I'm a photographer Surfer magazine I have a Porsche I parked it next to John's house which there was a guy named John that lived next door and he got towed in my car is I have 10 grand in cash and a bunch of weed dude it's like I'll give me 10% whatever you need I just don't have the money to get the car out can you help me so I had only $100 in my fucking account and I got it out I drove this guy to this pound but he goes hey pull over to this apartment but my sister lives there and I gotta grab something so he runs into the apartment and I like

an idiot sits I sit out there and for like 30 minutes and then I go what the fuck and I go in and I see that the front gate is open but the back gate is open he left right with all my money right so I was like oh I'm gonna kill myself I have no I have nothing right so I go back to the Panic in and I go to Jay Schweikert the guy that he mentioned I go I tell him what happens and he goes that happened to me from the same guy right that was his thing and that's the age when I had no money no future I didn't have comedy I was lost and I wanted to kill myself and I couldn't get any pussy I had to go to fucking T1 to

get pussy it was sad let me tell you I think that we should probably the only way to help her is to tell her what we were doing how useless we were when we were 19 yeah and I'm gonna tell you yeah I was a dumb drunk at 19 I went to college on a full ride I had to force I was forced to redshirt a year I had no home to go back to because my father was dying and my mom had no money and she had to go live somewhere else I then went from being a swimmer training for the Olympics to being a dumb fucking drunk with no money and no foresight no care for the world and it somehow you just got a will yourself out of the blue

somehow however which way and I promise you things will start looking up but to be to be in the to be in a shitty place at 19 I promise you is is okay no it needs to be dad and you need to be down because that's what like that's why we're all here because we were down like what were you like when you were 19 I moved out to LA like right after college with like a hundred and twenty thousand dollars and student loan debt yeah I went to Emerson it was like 52 grand a year yeah and didn't have a job like was like trying to like trying to do anything I could like didn't have anything and then I eventually got

literally a job waitressing at the con like bartending at the comedy store and that was my first gig and that was so like you need all that shit nobody's interesting who has a pleasant life but the thing is like killing yourself no fun in that dude and the ride you can't even see what could have been it just stops I promise you I promise you it's gonna get better and I call it the phoenix you get reborn you will one day get reborn and you'll feel like a different person and you'll go wow that was silly what I went through six years ago right but I'm glad that happened because it motivated it to be a tool

shop I have I have I have a I have a exercise that helped me come out of depression whenever I'm really really depressed like trying to not say negative things out loud as an exercise like when people go like how's your day even though your day was really shitty you're like just saying something positive about the day like never say anything negative out loud I think oh no no I love doing it I know me too but it helped at Starbucks if they go how is your day I go it's fucking terrible I just died yeah yeah it's comedic it's comedic for you I'm like you gotta trick yourself into being positive okay you're

right I think it helps but like little notes around the house like that really helps me like on the even now like in my shower it says the soup is gonna be a huge hit you know what I mean so I'm gonna tell you it is and I want to say this that you do have a forehead I want to say that you don't look like a paradise bird you look like a human right like a pygmy human you got this dude listen Jade I love you so fucking much congratulations we will if you we will promote even more even if you're not on it we love you we've considered you family here so you can always come back and you know I think it's gonna be great

and I want to say when you become big just don't forget about the little people okay okay give him around her bed you cuz he's a give Jade a round of applause everybody we love you so fucking much yeah my tour dates are on my on my website Jade cataprata.com I'm out all a year I have dates by myself that's great I'm gonna ask for help on who to feature who should feature for me oh that's gonna be great very excited and yeah check out the suit you will they will love you here I love you guys prime members you can listen to Tiger barely ad-free on Amazon music download

the Amazon music app today or you can listen ad-free with Wondry plus in Apple podcast before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com slash survey