TigerBelly - Ep 226: Andrew Schulz & The Arms of Naan

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

Bobby finally meets an Inuit. Andrew walks away from a Million. We talk Latino harikari, local headphones, sperm volcanoes, & Jiro shams.  Andrew Schulz's Brilliant Idiots: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-brilliant-idiots/id862717788  Support us by supporting our sponsors!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. Come see me live. I'll be in Irvine in California at the Irvine Improv January 17th to the 19th. Schaumburg, Illinois at the Chicago Improv February 13th to the 16th. For more information go to bobbyleelive.com and also I don't know what I'm talking about ever so just interrupt whatever but and in the beginning I like to do a little intro don't say anything until I say your name I have a great intro so until I say your name but yeah but I'm gonna give you a great intro I forgot what your podcast call for some reason but I'm gonna try to figure it out when I go

yeah whatever you want to do yeah I'll do what I do you know I mean bro okay ready to go five four three two that's an old Korean song that you can't fucking dance to I tried you can't fuck to that song we tried a couple times our baby we giggle what's it mean it but a rabbit it's about a rabbit hopping through a forest or a field he dies I think I don't know what happens but fuck that rabbit I love rabbits by the way do you want to hear a Filipino yeah yeah I want to hear one yeah that's it that's the whole song the guy was lazy when he wrote it before we introduce our very special special we know we get a bunch of local

retards because I corrected myself and that's about growth it's about growth yeah it's about growth we've got a we get a lot of local mental mentally challenged right yeah comedians coming here man from from the local area we get so one of those little ones we never had the little one huh what's it Brad Williams we never had him but we get the other ones the redheaded freak yeah but you know I've been trying to like get the other side in here too you know East side you know me what's it you know me all day every day you know I'm saying mm-hmm but I like to talk about some revelations I've had actually because

as you know I went away and I'm reborn I'm like a phoenix and I've learned I today was a different day I try to do things differently I said hello to a homeless person oh wow any and I he goes I think what he said like that and I go okay but I had the I felt the connection mm-hmm that matters thank you baby I feel empathy today I was thinking about you know you know those Indian girls that were born with 15 arms on their body and then the whole village an ash whatever the whole village you know the whole village like worships them as a god right and then all of a sudden some British surgeon I'll

operate for free right and it all of a sudden he takes all the limbs up and guess what now she's a little Indian girl again bitch I was a god she was a goddess I was a fucking god what the fuck you know me but now she's gonna make a non for the rest of her life whatever whatever they may at least make a garlic man on garlic now come on bro I also made a revelation that remember I refuse to I refuse to call Eskimos in you it's in you and Michael busping we've been people for you I'm now gonna call in you it's in you it's but fuck man I've never met one and I want to tell them I've changed you've met one

no don't say shit until I say okay now I'm gonna bring you up I'll bring it up anyway all right so now I'm gonna bring up the guest that we have today so you know for 20 plus years in my career I never went to Montreal and in the beginning the first 10 they go no you don't have it and the last 10 hey we made you made it without us can we come and I was like nah but the year and you know what everything happens for a reason and everything is God's will and if I say that again fucking fucker don't do that face you rejected me just with your fucking well that's how white people do it anyway so that's my bad that jacket

oh bro never again dude you're not a 12-year-old boy from Tokyo don't stick out your tongue like your fucking sort of Pikachu shit all right so anyway I get invited to Montreal I host the the nasty shows and you know I you know I you know I know Jess Amay I know big JJ JJ Joko and then I know I'm the other ones Jimmy Jimmy I forgot but um but I didn't know the rest right and I remember being in the back I remember the first time I met you I um I was there it was light out a little bit you're leaning against a pole outside very cool and you go hey man I'm Andrew and I'm like what in my head right and I'm like who's this

fucking open mic or whatever you know I'm being real I'm big no just shut the fuck up bro I'm gonna get real right with you and um I was educated that night I um I went up I go okay bring up the next guy but then this dude goes up there and it was I had a little bit of revelation I go this dude is so fucking funny but I thought it was a fluke so I waited the next night before I even wanted to you know and then you know I mean you did it again but with different material and it was loose it was relevant it felt new almost and he's a cool dude as well and I had dinner with him and I had a couple of agents from

different agencies go can you get him to sign with us hmm right which then is another thing like this guy is legit but I want to bring his name up he is Jew 3.0 bro like the new the new shit man you know hey Nazi you try to do this with this dude and this new crowd you're gonna be the ones with your shoes are gonna be the ones all right that we're gonna be collecting in museums don't ever do that again it's a fucking wrong if I think about it's wrong yeah hard about it it's like oh yeah yeah what's up dude you met an Inuit I fuck you I didn't yes you did I mean you fucking waddled backstage at the the nasty show

outside she waited for you and the only reason I know she was an Inuit is she asked me she was like is Bobby Lee coming out and I was like yeah I think he'll be out in a second and then she goes okay I'm an Inuit and I go I hope there's more to this fucking story and apparently I guess you said something maybe on the podcast and she heard that I remember that I did me one she was there because which the waddling when she waddled through like an Inuit I never had met one until her and she came out and we both met our first Inuit and she was a very and she was like we support you she like spoke about the whole

community we support you Bobby we just wanted you to meet one of us I think you said something like if I meet an Inuit come see me there was something I said that I think I said that and she did go backstage but I blocked it out I think I know that's what I had to call out resurface today cuz now you're you've changed and that's why you spoke about it it all happens for a reason right and that and the 12-arm girl would make so much more non with all the arms it's like you're really hurting the community maybe she was the only one that made it right FC India right imagine you're doing a

freaking free kick right imagine 19 arms Christiana you kick it yeah that's what I say yeah man yeah but I wouldn't want 19 arms bro no right yeah why wouldn't you want them because as a as a dude it's like I feel like my hands would get jealous right because which one do you stroke with bra oh yeah right and then the one up here yeah the one that the t-rex one that's up here that can't get down right it's just blocks your face yeah maybe it's the shame it's the most important thing every time yeah that a mustache or what is that I think it's I don't know yeah yeah you know what it reminds me of what is that

are you about to make fun of facial hair but see this though when you see an Asian are you friends with Asians at home yeah how many that isn't this is the weirdest question you're the second person to ask me how many friends I have of a minority group but it was it by a minority yes okay if I knew the number do you know how fucking awful that would be if I capped you guys if there's like a governor at like seven I have Asian friends I don't know I don't count my high school is like half Asian you didn't have a choice oh really what would you grow up Manhattan New York City yeah I know it man it's like LA California yeah

why said Manhattan New York City okay that's bro so you were half of them were Asians yeah it was it was like it was a public school but it was like half for smart kids and I swear I got in the school like half the kids got in with grades and then half of the kids got in because you had to let anybody in because of public school I swear I got half of the school was fucking Asian right did you get angry about that or no I didn't get angry but it was like clearly we know who earned it any Asians you preferred what is what are my Asian hierarchy yeah I have actually and it's changed recently after going Asia because

I went to Japan and I was I was like Japan is number one you know I was kind of indoctrinated with like the Western ideology of Japan right and I go to Japan and I have the best of several things I've ever had my life in Japan I had the best steak I've ever had my life hands down I had the best pizza I've ever had in my life pizza strata in Tokyo I swear to God isn't cheese a wanted commodity they're always making shit up everything's a problem with them right it's like the Godzilla cheat everything's an issue right they're like they're really just like anxious people like it's all going away those kamikaze

they just don't know how to fuck a land that's I think that's what it is I go to Japan and I'm like I'm having the best of like several things with a best I've ever had right but I found I felt like I went there and I didn't meet a truly Japanese person or find how they actually felt about the world meaning everything was a mask from the geisha to the fucking pizza guy like it was I'm gonna perfect other people shit or I'm gonna wear a costume that that is how I should act in the world but I don't know who the fuck you really are and then you start to see their porn and shit you're like oh you restrict people and

then you cause a little crazy like I know and it was so weird like even the women there I was talking to a couple of these Japanese women that had lived abroad and they came back and they were like it is an odd thing like the men here don't want us to be sexy they want us to be cute and it and it was and then you start to see the girls were kind of like cute about shit but they weren't kind of like owning their sexuality there's no like there's no like Latina Japanese check in there sassy and shit like super hot about it never pull out a knife their boyfriend never do that harry-carry would be amazing but with it

with a little pocket knife that's a man like a little butter knife yeah whatever but so it was just this weird thing so I went there and I was I thought I was gonna have this amazing spirit I went to that fucking that horseshit sushi restaurant to the Jiro dreams this which is dog shit it was the worst sushi I had absolute dog shit and let me tell you something and let me tell you something I came I spent $1,000 I spent $1,000 in in in 25 minutes it was $500 for my girl $500 for me and let me tell you something I was so I'm curious about the cultures I go there to learn I was so fucking nervous in this place that I

was gonna do something to disrespect them or like rude by accident I bought a suit just okay just for I have a whole fucking suit we're there on time I'm screaming at my girlfriend she's running in heels because I didn't want to be late because they said if you're late you could lose that reservation we are so excited she's like a big like food through enthusiasm and we go in and it was almost inedible almost inedible that that morning we went to the old we went to the old fish market right they have a new fish market like $3 billion that they made and it was amazing you saw like the tuna auction it was like it was

really sick and we went to the old one to have sushi and that was the best we should have ever had in my entire life that's the only cheap it's the wasabi that's what it tastes like and you know what they did recently I was so happy last week they took away his Michelin stars that fuck you don't even let Japanese people go it's like you have to be at a fancy hotel to get a reservation it's the whole shit is nonsense it's a sham it's a sham the fucking shit let me say something I knew this about the movie because if you saw the sushi in Iroh yeah you know how like you're as an actor or you're even documented they

put makeup on you yeah they did that shit those are the food those food wasn't even real it's not real in the food if you look at the food it's glossy right there's like sparkles on it almost as it glows almost I thought that was the quality of the fish dude it's Hollywood fucking magic remember how you was like everything is about the rice dude I'm not gonna lie the rice was bomb the rice was bomb oh the rice but you're gonna get bomb rice everywhere you go but let me tell you something and I'm in a room right now and you guys will understand this yeah I'm not spending a thousand dollars on rice like if that

isn't the whitest thing like if you found out that a white man spent a thousand dollars on rice yeah right like you like how did they ever colonize anyone like yeah like this is a thousand dollars for rice we're not gonna do it yeah the tamago was good but that's egg it's like why am I spending yeah the macro was good and then that's it everything was too much so not worth it hard to make macro not good is so macros already yeah this is stronger tasting fish okay I was livid are you sold are you sold on like the other types of restaurants like Noma or these other ones that cost like she wants to go to this one what tell

them about the one in Denmark oh you land at the airport not Magnus is in Norway whatever do you know it's in Denmark it's called Noma it's been like a top Renee read you have to drive five hours into the forest then you have to sleep there in a cabin that's the Norway guy that's whatever that guy is yeah this is I know the whole I know the whole hustle here yeah I already know what I was right so right oh so snowing snow of course of course it's not why wouldn't it be snowing what else the battle of moose you know you paid a thousand dollars for just basically rice you get a 30 course meal at this place

in the middle of nowhere if you give me 30 peanuts that doesn't but like you're gonna like it because you have no other options yeah it's true right it's like you're in the forest and they're like do you like it you're like yeah because there's just trees out there like so you have to eat it yeah no I know I won't do it I'm sure it's good but part of that is like you go through the whole journey so you think it's better than it is yeah I don't know if you understand this as as a woman as much as like we understand as men like trying to get laid yeah it's so much investment that by the time you do it you're like oh my god this was

worth it but you traveled into the forest right you did all this thing you know what I'm saying I know what you're saying boom so we just just serve it if you give it if you give it and it's good right away then it's good when I don't want it yeah and I still eat it yeah it's good the fucking polovenin what what is it I didn't want it but then I ate it so it must be good yep so you know what I'm also tired of talking about food Jews and I'm sure what you go like I went to a Mexican I'm not even Jewish by the way not assume I am just look at but anyway you know what I also like you're like in Texas and you're

in a Mexican restaurant and they go we only love use local ingredients yeah right and it's like I walk walk a moly get the avocado go to Vaughn I don't give a fuck right I'm not tired of the local ingredient people so proud of that why are they so proud of the local roots local farmers here we go and make your farm better and then like what are we doing here who we joking I don't support local headphones right a local cell phone I don't support local camera like why do we have to support the local farm get your fucking business together get your fucking business together and then what you'll do is you'll have something

that everybody wants to buy very simple right this is capitalism support local what is that yeah yeah yeah yeah wow I agree with you 100% we wouldn't have colonized the world if we want to do local yeah everybody fucking nitpicks what they choose to be conscious about this is this is this is a very good point it's bullshit yeah it is bullshit it's like let's advocate for the no straw thing really really hard but in the meantime let's you know I mean it's it's just it's never it's nitpicky this is this is the thing that drives me crazy okay these people like they're thinking that they're like supporting the

world they're like helping people back home they're like helping community center I was like most of the world doesn't have clean water to drink right right and every night we pretend to care about those people out there in the world and then we take a shit in clean water I just pissed in clean drinking water right there was drinking water that I peed in I don't care clearly I don't care right like I could have scooped it up and sent it to fucking somebody I took a shit yeah it's bullshit nobody cares we just are a little guilty that we live in this amazing yeah like is this the Malibu fire

what's behind we just got that installed today dude this is hysterical what am I looking at right here it's a volcano what is it where's that giraffe dude how many times burn down and they just you know it's like the fucking what is the killer whales name Shamu whenever I always root for the animal whenever like there's a fire with the baby when the baby fell in the baby yeah yeah yeah I root for that so I get what you're saying so it like for instance you know I I've been drinking now bamboo straws I tried that you know or just no straw right yeah this whole thing's made of

plastic that I ordered everything every you know how many straws we could have gotten out of that is a plastic wall yeah it's a plastic wall you like the design aesthetic you have got going on here even in your whole house I don't want to give it away yeah like the statue you have like sets of tone thanks man I just want it's supposed to scare people away yeah in case of a home robbery because is that right I have swords too but like yeah that's the first we have a katana as well but that comes after if they make it through the statue yeah would you really attack someone that was breaking in no we

would run you would run I would run I would attack somebody that was invited in my house I don't know that makes some tea now I'm a pussy I would run that would run to that's the smart thing right this person's crazy enough to break into your house yeah it's probably methed out of his mind especially if we're close to Ventura yeah that person doesn't give a shit okay that's where we are I'm like I'm weird with my geography yeah we're literally only you know you're probably give it away I'm not gonna I'm not giving it away but we're in the hills a little bit this is the Hollywood Hills a little bit but

it's only two miles from where you are but takes that long because you have to drive over a mountain and all these bullshit freeway yeah yeah yeah we're not really that far away from each other yeah but it's just this whole fucking city's a clusterfuck yeah you know um what I like about LA versus New York is I can get a house with a lawn I mean this is very nice yeah but this is from the podcast really and other you know the road you know you're you're kind of having like a little wave right now it's a Renaissance there's a little way there's a little way there is a little wave but I don't know if the

wave is big I don't know if the wave is small but you know what I'm gonna ride it you deserve it I think what happens I think what happens now we've spoke about this up in Montreal but like like now when the people get to decide when you get to have a bot podcast you get to have YouTube like when it's not the decision-makers it's the actual like people all of a sudden like the authentic voices have this resurgence right because there's no barrier there's nobody going hey people won't like you it's just two people like you two people want to listen yeah it's as simple as that yeah and it's like you knew you had

it some idiots maybe didn't know or maybe they were they really were trying to make the best decision that they could and they just they didn't maybe they're good well-intentioned who knows do you think that during this period in more more of the non-talented kind of professional schmoozers are getting weaned out you know what the people who this is what it is the people that are are not truly authentic won't make it because the only way that you can gravitate to someone like on the internet is if they're truly authentic and that means they're gonna say some shit that's gonna piss off a lot of people

like yeah those those are the people who who who really thrived in like the Hollywood industry days were the ones who wouldn't really piss off anybody but they were in a system so you you know had to digest them it's so it's right polarizing people that are tending to kill it now right because we like a polarizing individual like every dictator in history has been polarizing yeah nobody was like dude that's a dumb guy everyone you know I wouldn't even say that it's um we all have points of views right that's what I mean and what and what I used to do is edit my point of view right but then I realized that you

know Colada was with me when I literally couldn't get an audition yeah remember six years ago I'm like I when I met her on a date I go listen my career is done hmm I'm doing stand-up still on the road a little bit but I can't really make that I'm making okay money right but let's can you want to be on this journey with me and it's through when I realized that it wasn't happening and all these other kids were blowing up and I couldn't do anything about it and then I started going what's wrong with me am I terrible right so I just kind of gave up and what you know what I'm gonna do this and I mean we have to edit out you

the things that I say I said she here that we had to edit out yeah you know I mean because I'm not gonna filter yeah that's the only way you get the authentic shit right because if you're going through this my this is what I'm imagining if you go through the episode going I can't say that then you end up not saying anything if you just say everything and then pull back the few things yeah right that's what we do then you get a real you have like a real man a listener gets actually a real conversation it's kind of rare that you did you eavesdrop on a real conversation yeah like that's what we hate

about late night I don't want to see Jimmy Fallon like fuck it makes me cringe shut the fuck up just do a depressed episode go up there like I'm hungover I don't feel that good I'm not excited to meet fucking Naomi Campbell's niece or whoever and because we see through it yeah that thing he does where the elevator opens up and he's with Paul McCartney and there's people in the lobby and the and people go crazy and the elevator closed and they go down yeah you know what I do I go fuck you if they opened it like that because I don't want to just I've seen him before I want to shake his fucking hand yeah okay

yeah and I've met a beetle before yeah right they're nice who not gonna say okay but they're nice yeah good guys the best people maybe they deserve it they do deserve it but my point is is that it's you know James Corden which is a he's a great guy my boss he's my boss he's no let me just back up back listen I have I'm on a show we're gonna cut it out we're gonna cut it out let's just let's get it out of our systems and then we'll cut it out as simple as that James Corden like when I when I was invited to the they invited me to the late show just to hang out with James he wasn't there but I the executive producer wanted to meet

me because I was doing another project and I felt so out of fucking place because for the longest time I've been a Ronan a wandering samurai and doing my own thing right and now all these corporate jobs are coming up yeah and I'm like Brian Callan for some reason I still need to be a little validated by the industry because your grandfather into a dude it's baked into you by now I think it's baked into me because when I got here it was all about auditioning and then getting a special like but having what it is is gatekeepers yeah you have 12 gatekeepers yeah and I'm telling you right now none of them liked

me there's a gatekeeper at Netflix that I just does he doesn't like me yeah right and there's nothing I can do about it yeah and so instead of a going getting angry or you are doing it this is the exact thing because nothing is more important to them keeping their jobs than numbers and if you bring in numbers they want to keep their job once your salvation is in their hands the behavior changes big time big time once they see salvation once they look at you like I get to keep my job I have a mortgage wow they then everything goes out the window funny these are things that I don't even have the balls to

fucking say because I'm older yeah and I also being gookie right can I agree with that but even like back in the day when I used to get auditions and they were like they go you're gonna play toshi in this audition so you show up I'm not this is not exaggeration this is not this literally happened everyone was in a ninja outfit also with the eyes the face and I'm sitting there I didn't bring mine I was wearing like raw denim yeah how I roll and I was looking cool the way I used to roll right yeah and I walked in they go where's your ninja outfit I go I don't fucking have one I go thank you yeah and I realized and that

was the one audition I had in three years and so I was thinking to myself how like I'm never gonna make it wait you got the role no I never got the role they didn't even I wasn't even been auditioned because then we're a ninja they made people show up in a ninja outfit that is horrifying it's insane you know what they deserve all this fuck shit that's going on because I I really mean this because it were abusive to people who are chasing their dream and that's not fair and karma gets you for that like I remember once I I never really cared about acting but I thought it was like part of the thing like that's

how you make it or whatever right and I went to an audition I forget which lot it was you guys probably know I got dropped off at one lot at a parking garage and had to take a bus to another Warner Brothers lot was it Warner Brothers and then that one I had and when I got to the bus stop there was a parking lot at that fucking bus stop you have some fucking balls you have some huge balls to make some who's chasing their dream just go through that loophole yeah to to in a fucking ninja outfit audition for a show it's abusive and they're sleeping in the fucking back they're like during the audition they're

just like putting it yeah it don't shake my hand that there's flu season we're in LA there's no flu who's getting the cold it was just so like I would go through this whole thing and I remember that was probably like the beginning stages for me where I realized I can't let my career be in their hands there's no way my career will be in their hands there's no way that my security my family security when I have kids my girl like there's no way I could possibly go through a fucking what is it called pilot season and like hoping and like shaking hands and all it's just not me it's not who I am you know I was never

nice to you because I wanted anything out of you I was nice to you because I really I really quickly thought I thought I I found a genuine guy I thought you were a genuine authentic guy and I think like a lot of ways the stupid saying but like real recognizes real but like I find when I'm uncomfortable with people it's because I can't be myself or they can't be themselves and when I'm comfortable with people it's because I can be myself and they can be themselves yeah and I think that's why we we got along pretty well yeah you know but it's also you are friends like Santino is one of my best my god how many friends right

so I'm excited for your guys thing yeah we have a we live in a similar wheel house but that's not it was dude I'm telling you right now dude I literally thought and I told everyone this and ask her when I get back what did I say when I I didn't say oh I had a great time great shows I said yeah the he his first phone call from Montreal was solely about you he said he talked about this is him this is he hadn't enjoyed comedy or even his seeing people at the comedy store in a really long time and when he saw you he had like he felt inspired to write again hmm because you said things that I thought of maybe vaguely or even

right that I was too afraid to say right and then you went you doubled down on right and then you tripled down right and then I and I love this and then I go is this guy gonna bury he buried his way out this is fucking amazing and he did it with fucking really smart punchlines and it was really just really well done and you're the reason why though another reason and I don't want you get a big head about it because I think you're I don't I know but but but another thing that I took away with it is I thought maybe I really don't really even need an agent really or a manager I mean I managers got a change managers got a

change and if they don't adapt they'll die what do you mean like agents are hired guns right like our booking agent I have a great booking agent TJ Mark Walter amazing guy okay I fucking love him we're on the same page with everything like that and he's an expert he has these always great relationships and it gives me free time I don't have to contact all these people he has these reasons we can do I had a manager she was really sweet one of these big management companies and I just said to her I don't need you to tell me where to be like I'll be there you know I'm professional I don't need you

to introduce me to someone because I'll DM them there's nothing you could do I you know I'm saying there's no barrier anymore so like if your business model is you're gonna be the liaison between two people and now my phone is that yeah you're you've just made yourself obsolete right so I I offered her this I said listen what I could use as a production partner where you guys would partner with me on all these projects and you guys would actually execute these projects that is I basically gave her the blueprint for what management will become and she she didn't want to do it she you know ultimately isn't that a

manager's dream is the fact that they produce yeah yeah I don't think they I don't think she maybe saw it like I think she thought I was a little crazy not crazy but she thought I was like because I'll say shit and when I say it it sounds wild it sounds like I'm being audacious or something like that but I know I know it I just fucking know it and once people see it they go oh okay I guess you know I mean like yeah like even with the fucking like the Netflix thing I was saying how about like Netflix when I was in Rogan first time it was just like yeah Netflix is dead I can't see how they're good and

everybody's like well fuck is this guy's in it six months later it's like never because it's 12 billion dollars in debt Netflix has no shows Netflix lost friends and Netflix lost the office all the time yeah yeah because these things I see these things you know yeah so I was saying with with with if it's me and I'm the new version of management right I go we're not a manager we're production partners I film your podcast I film any shows you on the road I create all your digital content I create all your clips I do I literally do things for you and with you yeah you want any pilots let's make it whatever you want I do because I

don't have any time for people who can get someone else to do yeah yeah you're useless yeah so if you don't change you die simple as that wow yeah what the fuck what do they do what do they do besides listen you complain my manager to this weekend said you have to show up today at noon for this Netflix anime is what I'm doing right yeah so okay I wake up at 11 and she calls me well I told you 11 and you insisted noon I know because she I she said noon she fucking said noon man oh she fucked up right so she had one job which was to tell me 11 right one job right I show up dude these mind-boggling there's mind-boggling 30

people in a room they act like they're busy right like what are you busy doing you don't do anything you can't be busy if you don't do anything right like what are you did you build something what are you busy with did you take anything and then did you do that that's an action I took this and I put it here this is not busy you have to be there at 12 that's not day why my day is so stressful why is that I had to tell someone to be somewhere exactly I got in a rage and then check this out she goes you know what she says she goes it's gonna be no big deal Bob they're fine so I show up there and they're all sitting there 30

people in a room yeah just I look through the window and they're just right oh so I'm wasting people's time valuable fucking time and then I go in there and they're like good to see you they're being friendly I'm a nice guy right but they reminded me 14 time to be there tomorrow at fucking 10 well now it's 10 yeah but no they did they go because because I was late today yeah they think now I'm late guy they think that now I'm mr. irresponsible so if they remind me 15 times and I'd never late I always show up right yeah so um and I told her today when I walked out I go I don't know I mean she I can get my own

plane tickets dude can you you can do it can't you do it you know how to do it management right here I'll give you a chunk 5% or something yo real talk think about it right it's like at a certain point in time when you look a man's where management almost makes sense when you're when you got no money because it's a free person this being your assistant right you make let's say you start making half a million dollars a year 10% of that $50,000 a year is to your manager you don't think a personal assistant could do more for you than your manager fifty thousand dollars there everywhere you want some fucking

Paul Balon whatever it is pull of her own if you want some more pull of her own they get you whatever it is they're on the phone whatever you need they're yours you're not sharing them with a million different people right you get every and if you have a really competent personal assistant like someone who's into the business excited about it they become your production partner wow I'm telling you like all the things we've done I'm gonna tell you a story you're fucking please so before I got mad TV she told you late a late time yeah this I cannot express thank you cuz and you can't even walk in the room going my manager

cuz then you look like a fucking bitch that's not responsible for your own action I'm lying or you're a liar that's the go to you to lie when you're lying yes right those are the two fucking ones right so fucking I for years I try to get an agent no one would sign me hmm so I had this man I still have the same manager and she she gets me auditioned for mad TV I go in 11 times over a series of two months killing rising rising meaning from the beginning they're like I don't think he got it no they go they said we want tearing they want tearing kill him he's 17 yeah yeah they don't want any other

minorities but I'm gonna get you in there to practice auditioning so when I went in there like can you come back can you come back can you come back it was between me and me and tearing kill him at the end okay yeah then I get a call when I'm driving to test for the show from Gersh I don't know who Gersh Bob Gersh no just Gersh agency oh okay and they go hey we're your new agents I got to have agents now you do you're told it yeah now you do because we have to negotiate your contract yeah and I go I said I don't know I thought that's how the way it worked yeah so I sign and for eight years I gave them 10% of every

check yeah and they did they didn't do anything bro I did this I did I did not the same thing because it wasn't something big like like like a mad TV but I had the MTV deal right and I gave the MTV deal to innovative artists as a good faith thing right I was like I thought of business my parents are small business so it's like yeah I scratch your back you scratch mine like I'm bringing value to you thinking after I bring value you're gonna write like that's how I would operate a business you know so I don't care if it's a flower shop or some shit you know no flowers you need flowers we got it don't worry don't

worry and then in the future it's like help me out thank you it's just a symbiotic relationship we're good it was an exclusive deal so I kind of could only do MTV shit so they couldn't really book me on anything else and I didn't think about it like that yeah I thought well they'll find other deals for me or they'll get me in movies or they'll do these kind of things right they sat on their fucking asses knowing that there was nothing they could put me in and from that point on I was like oh you have to make everybody work for theirs nobody just gets a piece and that's why I like the agent situation because the

agents they eat what they hunt you know I'm saying if my agent don't get me gigs you don't eat right my manager I don't have one yeah because you're not gonna eat for not doing nothing right you know what were you gonna call my agent tell me get more gigs yeah I'll call him right do people not have phones where it manages the only people with phones at one point in time yeah and I want to say this too bro it's like this is the reason okay you you're saying Bobby Lee is having uprising yes that's what they say on the streets that Bobby Lee is doing extra shit yeah right but guess what do you know why because Calila

one day four years ago goes I'm going to guitar center to get podcast equipment we're gonna do one she talked like that and I go really no one's gonna rub I was a rough no one's gonna give her a hold of her own you barely open her mouth it was stuck together so then you know and she has to get podcast equipment they're looking at her like you're gonna talk so go on go I do it and then what I do is I go oh fuck Delia started one have them on yeah Santino Eric Griffin all my friends Rogan I'll do it Mark Marin you know all these people you do it you do it you

grow together Bert Tom Segura all my friends right yeah and then one day every single thing that's going on right now which is probably for pretty big things is we're just off offers they just called and they go let's do it you know yeah it's like and and I did this yes my Calila and I did this you did it I did this no but for real you did it no no you both did it and I and you know I did it credit all the credit thank you but we did it we did it yeah and it's so how much better does it feel when you don't feel like some motherfucker did you a favor yeah like no one's over our head holding anything over you don't need

any of that shit that's extra at the other day you can do this this is the most fun thing that you'll do yeah yeah and it's like Chris Rock had that thing where he was talking about like how to like get help he's like you ever see someone on the side of the road with their car broken down you know and ask him for help nobody ever stops yeah but if you see someone pushing their own car mm-hmm you always stop I do and help them yeah because they're helping themselves yeah so you guys were pushing their own car and never people realize oh these people got it yeah these people know what's going on I'm

telling you and it's a different thing it's like you're already qualified you don't need some stiff to go I think people will enjoy him yeah you know hundreds of thousands of people do it every week it's proven right yeah cut that guy out do you want how many people listen this podcast hundreds of thousands of people maybe okay who knows we'll say it wink wink hundred thousand people that is a guarantee yeah most of these shows can't get a hundred thousand people I know to watch I know so it's like it's insane here I go to the when I went last night to your first of all Santino called me today I go he was singing on

the phone yeah he goes you know the white dudes they did the bop bop bops you know he was doing that wipe and I hung up on him and then I hung up and he goes you're fucking asshole and like so then I go why are you in a good mood he goes I just you know I had lunch with you Sunday I'm excited about our thing and last night dude I had the best main room show I'd ever seen it was a electric dude I wish you were a part of it it was so good and I go who was on it and he goes sent I lied that I didn't I wasn't there I don't want you I got caught in a fucking lie right here man oh my god I got caught in a lie he's been trying not

to lie as much too I wasn't even gonna catch on to that I wasn't gonna catch on to either I just realized that's a part of my thank you yeah yeah yeah so last night but that's what so anyway he goes up was the best major show but the lie is so arrogant because it's like he needs to know that I was there you look skinny in that outfit or some like that because you're concerned about them but you're your lie was like man he'd be heartbroken if I didn't watch I apologize but check it out bro check it out he goes he goes I'm in the right trajectory and my he's in the same

headspace as you he goes he even says why are you doing that fucking bullshit yeah why you and I will do this podcast and you have tiger belly and we'll sell out and go you know meet and go on the road and make money and this and that yeah and we'll do our own thing and we've even talked about and I've said this out loud getting all the podcasters from east and west to do a one movie let's do it because if we did a really cool ensemble fucked up movie like a bunch of people that live in the desert yeah right and having a war yeah right so these come at me yeah but modern times like in the middle of the New

Mexico yeah Joshua tree yeah people live out you know people live out there they make their own houses and community yeah so there's a show on HGTV called living off grid oh I love it that kind of the DIY channel I think yeah yeah but imagine if listen to me I know we have a lot of followers and a lot of people in the business and say listen to me right now this is the movie that you want you want to contact Santino us we will do it we'll contact us we'll contact you look yeah yeah yeah if you're lucky we'll let you make some money I want to go back to your Asian hierarchy since we oh yeah so um it's a good day good catch

so it used to be Japanese I like my questions answered no it's very good sorry about that so used to be Japanese and this is very hacky classic you know like Western view of the Asian world so it used to be class it used to be Japanese Chinese Korean then it shifted to Japanese Korean Chinese right then Korean on top Chinese but I can only say Hong Kong Chinese I grew up in Philippines I know a lot of Hong Kong Chinese a little different little different very different maybe it's Western influence and maybe I'm just like no no what about Taiwanese Taiwanese are dope I know cuz they got

the rebellious spirits I think I like that it's like we're fucking out of here but not like too far out so it's like I think that now I can't really differentiate culturally between like Taiwan and mainland China yet I'll be lying to you if I said I have been to Malaysia and Singapore love Malaysia love why it's one of those places where it's like you you know it's a third world so there's like this little bit of danger yeah the safest way does that make sense yeah you know that you could pay some shit to move around and you need to go to the Philippines I would like it same thing it's that if you're if you're a

New Yorker you'd love the chaos of the Philippines I love it it still feels like the Wild Wild West you can park on a curb if you wanted to and no one would say anything and even if someone said something you'd probably pay him off and get your way that's it right like money goes yeah and it's kind of fun when you have money to live there yeah it's amazing so so Philippines I got a hit you have to cuz if you like Malaysia yes Philippines is next level Malaysia also it is everyone speaks English right and everyone is super entertaining there I think Filipinos are the funniest people you'll ever meet really they're loud it seems like it's part of the culture yeah right singing dance like it's boxing

bro they fuck up fuck you are bro real it's a fighting agent yeah you can still say anything you want there yeah not that sensitive right it's just it's it's third world but I've never felt freer okay I play now now I've heard some Filipinos not identify as Asian but South Pacific something depends which Filipino you talked to I always I'm Asian institutions made us because when you fill out paperwork okay it'll say Asian slash Pacific Islander okay they group us all together Pacific Islander was Hawaiian Samoans like these type of I didn't realize what you're talking about if you're talking about like

genealogy it's one thing but if you're talking about geographical for Southeast Asia see that's the thing it's like you I only knew these different cultures growing up in New York and then when you actually get to go and you get to like experience of people like I might fuck with Vietnam I don't know maybe you know I might fuck with it too yeah I'll go no I've never been there let's do it I gone bro so I gone I'm being real let's go I'm a hundred percent a bunch of comics like me Santino you couple other guys it'd be fun bro dude we'll get a video for we will we'll do one show one show only people show up but for real

dude like I don't know that's a show I want to see yeah off-grid but the three of you living in Vietnam for six months one month one week we'll do one week we'll do one week when I was in Thailand yeah and in if you're Thai god bless you and take care yeah I love you yeah but you know if you like oh if you like boy pussy go to Thailand but my point is is that dude that's another thing about that part of the world what the Asian women don't put close to the effort in that Asian men do oh like Scooby-Doo dude the fucking no like when I when I saw the I mean they were Malaysian Thai boys right or Malay boys

for a life but uh but they were like the makeup and all that kind of shit they were really like sexing themselves up yeah and then the regular like Malay Malaysian women they're like fucking put some effort in and then we won't fuck these guys get some blush or a fucking lip liner or something like that these girls weren't even doing shit and I totally understood it dude I'm being serious I got it I got it they were going for it did you know in Thailand yeah if you're watching a movie okay they do a 10 minute montage of the king and you have to stand during it during it so everyone's standing I stood you know

what I did though I did that I sort of fucking you're gonna you're gonna cut that out there's no blurring there's no point the camera okay don't get that part but yeah cut the arm off cut the arm off bro I stood up I did this I did the noise right and another thing is 6 p.m. at 6 p.m. if you're in a park they have these gigantic speakers and when the music comes on you have to freeze that's like in the Philippines though when the we do a prayer every 6 p.m. yeah anywhere if you're in a grocery store whatever everyone stops and then you do you do a prayer because it's a very Catholic nation but you know what I

did I froze for extra 30 minutes sitting there yeah so I did for 30 extra men people are walking around me fuck bro but I thought you know this is before you know I honestly I haven't I'm gonna tell my counselors from the place I went to and stuff and yeah and I want to reveal something to you last night this is something I did something last night to you about something I did last night that I'd never done before you know I have a new commitment and I don't watch porn I'm not done I'm not jerking off to porn but when I was in the bathtub yeah right and I've never done this I've never masturbated through

imagination oh ever and I masturbated to you in the bathtub because you were the last person of me it can't be my most recent version because I've been in sweats for six months no it was when you remember you spit in my face and I choked you oh so the beginning at the beginning yeah yeah yeah yeah the big titty fake boobs the big boobs when you're a fake boobs when you got rid of the boobs I got rid of them good almost killed it yeah it almost killed you yeah yeah but most importantly I just hated them I mean just getting rid of them killed you or killed you oh my body just didn't feel right I started getting

some like weird auto and stuff my heart started going haywire and then I just took them out after two years I hated it and they cost more to take out you know that horse because they have to repair your fucking pecs that are not like a ripped it's really bad now does it look different it I only had them for two years so no yeah but I will say like when I flex there's a line that kind of goes through this way like a bodybuilder like when I do this uh-huh look here's a who gives a fuck babe I don't flexing I'm fucking public she's walking around in public that's crazy yeah when I look at your titties

I don't see no flexing when she's frozen in Thailand flex it for 30 minutes okay so um so you old Kalayla is what you drink so you whacked off yeah for the first time in my life and it did a fountain which it was upsetting because I never does found not a marshmallow he always does like a weepy little dollop oh oh no projectile fondue yeah yeah yeah yeah so I went and it went yeah on the thing it looked like I had fucking icing on the tip of my face like it was one of those fancy cupcake pops yeah and and I you know what it's a weird master being in the bathtub though it's really weird it is

yeah because you're swimming with your cunt and you just stand it you sit with you with all the cunt on your right and you have bubbles yeah and then you have to just go fuck it you know man and you see them swimming around yeah they're very good come feels in water it's like oil and water yeah kind of feels like I'm you know when you have cornstarch in your hand and you do this yeah no I don't know what that I don't know I tried doing it it's like nails on a chalkboard oh it's green you're saying it's about grainy but squeaky squeaky is the word I would say oh yeah I think you have really big sperm

it's only three it's like a little salmon coming out the river a bear shows up wow that bro I'm gonna say is right now and I'm gonna say one thing to you dude is just what just think about moving out here you know what I thought about it because I love what you guys have done out here and I love the camaraderie out here and but I feel like it's it's important for me to take that and bring that back home and I feel a responsibility to New York and and like helping comics out there in the same way you guys helped each other and like building up and getting other people understand it there is way more food

when we're all helping each other hunt instead of like all looking for the same deer you know what I'm saying like and I've seen you guys do it and it's fucking beautiful and I like I come out here to do the show when we're doing Tim Dillon and Hinch Cliff and Sandy because I love those guys but it's also something to show the guys back home like you see what we did like this is this can happen if we're not trying to cut each other's heads off yeah but the only way people fall in line with that is if they see their if they see their salvation in it you know like Joe is top dog and he's the least selfish when the top dog is the least

selfish nobody could be selfish right because like who the fuck are you to be selfish when that guy isn't yeah you know and then it just trickles down you guys are doing it shawb and counter doing it everybody's doing it yeah and I just I just feel like it's right to bring that over there and imagine if it's over there and over here the kind of fun crossover shit that we can end up doing yeah so that's that's really my goal I mean I'm you know I've I've been renovating this I haven't really spoken about it but I fuck it I've been renovating this this studio this podcast studio but like it's got a couple

studios a content space I got like a little live performance space in it it's pretty cool and we're getting that ready and then yeah and I'm gonna shoot my special out here in April where the Orpheum but what is there a unit on your own or is there a company doing it a company is I fit yeah this is a company I partnered with a production company shows a comic comedy dynamics and I think this is and we just sold it to a network I won't say which network just yet okay but I think this is one of the if not the first special that is part of like new media do you know I'm saying yeah like the way that we should be paid

right we do like we shouldn't have gotten paid a lot of money back in day because they did most of the work they had the platform they shot it they produced it and they had the people we had to go to them for the people but now we have the people if we want we could shoot it and we have our own platform as we could put it on so if I'm gonna put on your platform it's gotta be worth my while yeah right yeah and I I really like back in a couple years ago when I started putting together this plan the goal was to get enough leverage and kind of power in the business to where I could start not only for myself but like

start getting paid up what I thought that a comic is worth when he's bringing that type of value yeah so and I and I you know I've partnered with this production company who actually understands it they understand new media and they're like okay we understand what you're bringing to the table and we want to we want to do that with you so it was I mean it was a pretty crazy thing how it how it came together but this is how it should be because what you said to me in Montreal because I go you know because I was like I want to do is I don't know where to go because no one wants to do it or whatever in my head

or whatever and you're like I just did it on YouTube and I sell out I did it I've done three on YouTube wow and that's the thing it's like a lot of people doing specials right and then if everybody does special it's not special right that's one thing I mean it's just what it is right like every time we go up on the stage at the you know the store or the commie somewhere we don't go I'm doing my special right so like you have to do something that makes it unique it makes it special in my opinion you know but also having having YouTube is this amazing source you guys could put your special up on YouTube and it would

fucking explode because all your fans can't wait to see it and that's an amazing thing to have for me I had all the bargaining chips because I walked to I walk away from anything like I mean I walked away from seven figures when they first get offered it so I was like and the only reason not the only reason but part of the reason I took it is because I wanted to show creatives like just because you give I was so big on giving your shit away yeah but I wanted comics to know like just because you give your shit away don't me it's not worth anything you decide what it's worth so this this production company I

met with them before I'll put my last one on on YouTube and they were like hey don't put on YouTube we'll put it out and I was like well it's gonna be seven figures and nobody else nobody else would put it up right nobody else so there was literally zero value but they were like we want it and I was like well it's a million dollars and then and then they came back and then I basically we did Montreal and after Montreal Netflix reached out about a thing and they reached out about the degenerates yeah the degenerates yeah yeah and they're like do you want to do the degenerates and I was like you know I put myself up

for free on whatever I'll put on Netflix of course and and then this production company reached out as well and they're like what is he doing for a special and they're like Netflix made him an offer and so they can't they're like don't say yes or anything just just give us a couple days and they came back with an offer my agent like he set this whole thing up because he was so excited to show it to me and he was like here's the offer I got you and it was for it was for a million dollars and I was like man this is amazing you're amazing but it sucks we're gonna have to say no and my agent almost had a fucking

heart attack oh yeah almost had a fucking heart attack and he's like what the fuck is wrong with you and I was like the last one was a million things have changed that's how much the last one was so now it has to be more just off principle right yeah right so it's like they came back and we you know got a good little fucking good but it's not about the money I would have put it I put everything up for I know you did it's just more about like I want comics who knows like yeah put your shit out put your shit out and then when you're at a point where you feel like people are willing to pay you what you believe you

deserve partner with them I don't want Netflix to die I don't want any of these company HBO to die I want any of them to die I just want them to understand the new way that media works and the new way media works is we have fan bases we have people who love us and support us and they will support us no matter where we go so we just yield more power right we we sorry we will more power and because we will more power you know you got to pay us more yeah simple as that I really respect you thank you I respect a lot of people I really respect I think that you're forcing their hand and you're injecting back a little bit of

integrity that hit that the industry has lost a long fucking time ago they need a they need a reality check and they're gonna get it and they're gonna no but they're gonna get it because with all of us like we have the opportunity to do what we want yeah like we literally we could sit here and have the most fun conversation the best and people can listen in and have the most fun at work there are people listen this at work we're having the worst fucking day and this came out and they're just laughing they're laughing about how you come and how few sperm just kind of fall out right and they're like we made their day

better you know awesome that you know grateful they are for you guys yeah their day is better it's funny because when I go on the road before when I did mad TV was like old people we saw him on TV we're gonna go now it's now it's and now it's they they look at me and they get they it's we hug your friends we're friends that's your boy they know more about you than most people in the world right I'm gonna get emotional sorry no let it out no I'm not gonna do it not for you fuck what if you cried projectile so at the end of ours with thing what we do is think are called unhelpful advice they email us we give

them advice right and we're done let's do it man I go ahead man I'm helpful advice with Bobby Kalyla and Andrew motherfucking shows I'm a 20 20 3 year old Korean woman in love with the Dominican man who looks black we have been together for a year and I've only told my dad and my sisters about him my mom has no idea my mom does not want to marry me to marry any other ethnicity other than Korean if she were to find out she would never talk to me again and there would be no family support anymore my ex was black and I hid him from my mom for four and a half years but I really believe that the man I'm with is

my soulmate how do I approach my very traditional parents about this her name is Jenny Asian expert Andrew she's Korean yep God it's a difference a pressure I don't I don't really know about just understand it yeah you guys know way my dad when I said I'm doing stand-up at 23 you were what I'm a mixed kid oh my god I thought you said I was molested really this is crazy to say but say it you turn into this beautiful woman do you think like he was like I know she's gonna be somebody you know like they look at basketball players in like ninth grade or something like that like he's gonna fucking be at

that yeah I was molested by guy with Down syndrome right so he had an eye for talent how that's how dumb I was cuz when you bless somebody you have to manipulate have some game yeah candy right you like you know me with compliments right my dude just went so anyway this time I'm gonna help her right I'm gonna help her all right I'm gonna help her right now holy shit it's the real dude so here's the thing when I told my parents I was doing stand-up 23 they said they would disown me they go if you do you don't call home you know the whole fucking thing right so I was just like oh shit fuck it I'm doing it

and I did it and they didn't talk to me for six years I would have to call back every once in a while to get rent money so poor yeah in the beginning and they were would luckily they do it but it would always be a fight yeah and they didn't and then once you know I started kind of making it whatever they softened but fuck but the parents fuck it's your life yeah if you're in love you're a fucking love yeah I agree right yeah a hundred percent I mean and also it it's the mom it seems like it's a mom that's more upset it's the mom yeah the dad knows that's fine with it and my experience a mother's love is is unbelievable it's

like unconditional where it's like a father's love waivers waivers right it's like based on your behavior yeah kind of father's love is there so it's like I think the mom is really harsh in the beginning but I have a feeling she can't cut you yeah yeah yeah I would call her bluff I would yeah I would call her bluff absolutely that's it I mean he's gonna cheat on you he's Dominican but it's on you bro I honestly dude um you know I was so you know when I found out you were calming I'd forgotten but you know I found out and I was super I did I forgot

but I was I was super excited about it you were here a couple weeks ago yeah yeah I was about them we reached out to you and you're like I'm not in town yeah so um it was I I knew you're just legit what's your podcast called gentlemen yeah I do a flagrant to yeah yeah with Akash and Kaz man I love those guys and and brilliant idiots with Charlemagne the god if when I go to New York if I ever do could I do those I would be so honored you know I'm a huge fan I just love hanging out with you so yes absolutely I honestly think that you're gonna be a lifelong friend of mine I hope so I know it I know it and I'm

gonna get them I don't want to get emotional but you're you really changed me man good way I thought about the business good and kids like yourself is so important dude I can't reiterate that enough let's take over man I want to and I'm an old man but let's try try I'm gonna do it with you guys yeah that's the cool thing about the thing about it we're gonna do this old there's no like there's no fucking rules like how old we can think about who think about the stand-ups that make money now yeah everybody's old yeah because why the fuck would you listen to some tiny young kid yeah someone with experience if

you're gonna talk have experience I mean yeah yeah that's why I don't care about the fucking the climate girl to bring it back to straws but like yeah she's just too young yeah what you don't even know what you're saving maybe it sucks when you get older like maybe it should fucking burn down maybe you want to hang out with Leo yeah that's all you want all this fucking trap Leo yeah yeah yeah I know what you know what I mean it's like yeah we'll do this for as long as we're gonna do it um and thank you so much give them a round of applause everybody really quick any tour dates yeah the Andrew Schultz calm check it

out and I post all myself on YouTube man so if you guys are already on YouTube you want to give my YouTube a check out it's youtube.com slash the Andrew Schultz no T and if you like some stuff man there it is I already know that my fans we know yeah you just gained a chunk a big chunk oh that's dope man so um that's dope I love you buddy give him another round of applause thanks a lot guys appreciate y'all please hello everyone we are back with housekeeping thank you for listening to this episode with the man the myth the legend industry pusher Andrew Schultz see Bobby Lee live he'll be an Irvine California at the Irvine

improv January 17th through 19th Schomburg Illinois the Chicago improv February 13th through 16th more at Bobby Lee live calm and guys follow us on Instagram at Tiger Belly our on Twitter at the Tiger Belly also follow Bobby Lee live at Bobby Lee live calm you can also follow Kala everything at Calamity K myself at Gilbets everything Bryce at Bryce Halleck and George at George underscore Kimmel where's a George Kimmel George underscore Kimmel also for sending any packages guess what you can send them at like in the bio of our Instagram we give us a follow if you can find it right there cuz I just spaced

out we love you guys so much hey Prime members you can listen to Tiger Belly ad-free on Amazon music download the Amazon music app today or you can listen ad-free with Wondry plus in Apple podcast before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com slash survey