TigerBelly - Ep 230: Moshe Kasher & the Consequences of a Primate

Episode Date: January 29, 2020

Bobby is snubbed by Paul Martinis. Moshe needs a buttermilk old fashioned to fill his holes. Khalyla woulda been all right. We talk flesh slugs, weak genes, minty rice, the plot of Midnight Cowboy, and aggressive hippies.  Please support our sponsorsSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus Come see me live. I will be in Schomburg, Illinois February 13th through the 16th at the Chicago Improv Some was a in California February 28th March 1st at the San Jose Improv Then go go go Colorado March 12th of the 14th at the comedy works Houston, Texas March 27th 29th Houston, Improv Come to the Bobby Lee calm Um, Bobby Lee live calm and grab them before they're gone. Enjoy the show

Is that let's what let's let's I want to get in that later. All right, hold on ready and do the countdown five four, three, two Do you know what I mean? Welcome to another episode of tiger belly tb. Um, this is where you learn all your news information health advice and spiritual Council I'm your captain your spiritual leader your guru your Um Bobby Lee good evening or afternoon whenever you're listening and we have Kailah Kuhn My girlfriend we got beautiful handsome two-dimensional. You almost said flat first

Flat what flat face didn't say that okay? Was I thinking it? We got This fucking guy he he comes to my club in Irvine Right, and you know what I found out? He hung around You know in front of the audience so that he could take photos and people can like recognize him from the pot So fucking gross

Yeah, he was wait you did a lap you did a lap fishing because he's with his girlfriend and he was fishing That's why he why would he come to my show without for he goes there for that I got photos without the laugh, but no I didn't make a laugh. Okay, but did how many photos you take? Two no, I'll be honest Okay, okay, that's sad. That's actually sad. Oh man. Hey take a lap next time. We got we got chong chong go chong chong go chong chong go our guest today um is somebody that Honestly, I just I don't have

Anything bad to say about him You know usually I have people that I talk shit behind their back when they come here Yeah, this piece of shit if they say this I'm gonna go crazy, you know, whatever But just thinking about what this guy I just not a single even negative thing I I remember when I met him. I can't tell you how I met him, but I remember when I met him. I've always liked him Um, he is so fucking funny as a stand-up so smart so funny um, he's married to You know a comic who we've had on Natasha Legaro and um

She's great. She's a dwarf, but um, we love dwarf comics Don't we we love Brad Williams? We've never had we're gonna get Brad on. Yeah, but that was the first dwarf we had and she's great She was in uh, she was tinkerbell. Oh in disney. Yeah, yeah the disney. Yeah, yeah Um, they had to add the wings. Yeah. Yeah Um, but we have a guy who he has an comedy album coming out. He's a writer Um, it's very funny stand-up producer Um, but he's he's good to my brother Steve

And that's really the measure of how I measure people is if I always ask my brother Um, do you like uh, Mosha and he goes, oh, he'll go on a 10-minute thing. Nice this guy. You know my brother, right? No, who's your So, um, he's like I'm gonna insult your wife for a little bit. Just don't say anything. Don't say a word Yeah, so he's married to a pygmy right a mythical creature and um And I love him so much Mosha cash or everybody And dude, thank you for being here, man. Oh, thank you for having me. I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled. Do you I was what do you

Was that improv the idiomine song or do you come up with a new dictator to intro every no I just came up with that just then that'd be fun new game for you. What new dictator. Yeah, pull pots my man You just got got yeah I'm not a writer, but yeah, no very good idea. Thank you. Thanks Yeah, you and are similar in the way, too Is is that you and I have the same kind of coping mechanisms. Oh, yeah, how so? Oh, well, can I fuck a dwarf too? No, no, no, no because uh, I like regular humans

Yeah, she's a regular human, but um, I've always loved that about you. I've always admired that about you Regular Yeah, you can talk about anything. No, but recovery. Can I talk about that? Oh, yeah, definitely. I mean, so you and I We're both sober. Yeah, we both, um The times that we've met and hung out with or worked together We exchanged vapes. That's right and vape flavors Right, right and you had to be fair to me. I had one you had like a mr. T necklace You look like an early candy raper

Because I'm the type of guy that needs to try it all. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, literally I mean you had like it looked like a like a a bullet a round of bullets from where it was Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know why I'm like that, but I am and um, I just want to say that um That you um, you know in terms of comics, you know, they're do you like all comics? I mean, do you go to the store? No, yeah I'm a comedian. Right. My favorite pastime is to talk about the comics. I don't like right right and I brought a list But what I mean, I'm not gonna name names, but um, but what is something that a comic will do to um irritate you

I would you know, it's funny. I was thinking about this the other day the the uh Unaware ego is I would say that that's number one. That's that's my number one one It's like when you don't know are you saying you have that? No, I'm I'm just I'm agreeing with it Yeah, I was like you're the opposite you have unaware You have humility that you shouldn't shouldn't be having you okay? Bobby will always come off I always say come off the stage and I'll be like, oh my god. I have to follow that There's like nine standing ovations and he's like, I don't know what I'm doing in this business. I suck So you have the opposite. I that's oh, we're so irritating right

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a kind it's also I guess a kind of ego I guess because Whitney Cummings said to me once if you ever see something like that again, we're done She's gonna break up with you. No, but she's like I can't I can't anymore with you with that, you know, and it's it is uh Uh, it is a character defect. I don't think that's a good thing. What pretending things are worse than they are Yeah, because you know what it is because I live in shame And I and because of this new sobriety that I have in this and that I'm trying to analyze Why I do certain things and the root cause and whatnot. Well, if we're doing an intervention on you, can I You got to do a comedy special

It was literally I I'm not even kidding. This was the subject you weren't even involved This was the subject of a text thread. I'm on what they're like, why hasn't Bobby done a special? And I was like, I know why it was just positive. This was positive emotional But check this out. Is this an ongoing theme? Yeah, not only the fans all everybody but here I went into netflix A month ago to pitch something else. Yeah, and I was with joe koi because he you know and they love him Sure And then they just and then I was with howie mandel howie mandel go because he's producing it and he goes um Bobby does stand up too, and they everyone in the room are like you do stand up. Really? Yeah, there's no awareness

That is not true. You're doing the thing again No, how How is it that if I was doing the thing that I witness it right okay fair, right? I just did burt krischer's show on netflix And one of the ladies that works closely with robby had no really awareness that I didn't stand up So it's those things that make me go. Oh, I'm not going to be able to do it Well, I mean, but that's the it's not like you have to do a netflix special Yeah, but to me that's where the cool kids are doing it and I could still do a siso special. That's still a possibility

But I you know for some reason I if I wanted if I'm going to do one and maybe this is my own ego But I because I you know you and I play the a rooms sure with all the other ones we know Right You you've seen guys that you know that maybe Shouldn't have one that get one shouldn't have gotten a special. Yes, or yeah, right? Yeah And they get the green light and then like and if they're not aware of me Then it feeds into my insecurities

And it makes me already spin out and think they don't like me. So it's why even even try Well, I just I mean, I don't is this what we do on this podcast. Yeah. Yeah. You're so funny I don't do that. Don't do that. That's why I did that. I didn't do that for that Yeah, that's what we do. No, but I mean you're like such a killer. It's like I every time I watch you I'm like what this what I mean, but to be fair you're you're a big stand-up comedian. It's not like people don't know Insane, but no, but you we have gatekeepers. You know that sure. That's true It's you know, we you know when I just did the Irvan improv. I sold out every show. Yeah, and that's a huge club Yeah, and no comms. I sell hard tickets. And so I'm aware of those things

So on street level street credibility wise. Yeah, I'm a stand-up But you know when it comes to like I could do a special on youtube for free No, I want to know you know what I mean. So why would I want to do that? No, that doesn't even make sense Yep, you could there's so many people you could walk into tomorrow Just because one look at listen all you have to do is have the right you on your podcast and guess what? You got I control the gate. I'm the keeper of the gate I'm the guy. Yeah, I'm responsible for every netflix special. Wow everyone all the ones you didn't like all the ones you like That's me. Yeah, you have the gate keep so um, but you know what I this year

I am gonna do one. Hell. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'm gonna do one You have a comedy album. I do have a comedy album coming out actually on oh, I don't know when this comes out But it's coming out on january 24th. I know that so by the time this comes out It'll be coming out or it's out. Yeah, and One of those one of those wait. Is there another option by the time this comes out? It will be coming out or it's out or I will have not recorded it yet Weird enough. Yeah, it doesn't exist. No, it will but I I'm gonna start. I'm gonna start doing stand-up Yeah, I'm gonna make it through the right open mic it up. I'm gonna finally get I'm gonna get past at the store

Right. I'm gonna. I'm gonna run my hour at the store. We always laugh at that. That's the thing that annoys me Okay. Now. I'm gonna piss a lot of people off. Okay. I always I always I I have a couple comedian friends We always text each other when people tweet running my new hour and the ultimate running my new hour Running my new hour at the store because it always implies I have another hour. I have an old just so you know I do have an old hour. There's another hour. I'm gonna be running the new one. Just saying my new hour It's coming and I'm running it. Yeah Yeah, but this is not my new hour or my old hour

This is my album coming out on on the 24th is an entirely crowd work album and it's sort of what I do best. It's like kind of my I mean I like writing jokes too, but but but crowd work is kind of my that's my sweet. You're very good at it Thank you. And so I was like you I think you're the best Ian bags pretty good at right, but you guys are at that. Todd Berry Todd Berry is great at Paula Poundstone I always have to shout out Paula Poundstone. She's so good. She's really really really good at crowd work. I swear You swear to I can't believe that no cap as the kids say It's like it's like I saying Kathy Bates is the fastest swimmer. No, why she might be you don't know that

Michael Phelps. No, Kathy Bates. Yeah Because I've seen Paula Poundstone on her specials growing up. Yeah, I used to use them to fall asleep You were so terrible like I don't want to name names, but Yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm just a great lady. Oh my god, but like Oh, anyway, but did you like Patrice O'Neill? There's a killer there I would say that guy is probably I would say the best Crowd work practitioner of all time big J big J. Okay, since we're very good at yeah, yeah But I was like I was trying to do I wanted to do an album where it was all crowd work

And I was trying to solve what I think of as the inherent problem in an album or a special of crowd work Which is that it always feels like temporary You look right like a special is better because you can turn the camera to the person and be like, oh, he is a goofy looking motherfucker Yeah, he does look like a Christmas pimp or whatever. Yeah riffing on But so I was trying to solve that problem with an audio album And so this is kind of a concept album instead of like talking to people about who they are what they do I asked the audience five Specific questions like have you ever what's the craziest interaction with the police you've ever had?

What's your wildest night on drugs? Which are crazy sexual experience and then people would raise their hands and my the open my Andrew Andrew machan my opener would run over Give them a mic and uh, they they would tell the story and I would riff on it So it's wow It's a cool kind of semi concept album because before if you did a special they wouldn't be mic necessarily Exactly, you'd have to almost repeat what they're saying you have to repeat what they're saying And it could only be kind of like short it could you know like like I always felt like an elephant in the room almost Um almost I think solved this but I always thought like watching patrice's specials

It was so funny, but there was nothing ever like the experience of seeing him live right an elephant in the room He kind of did a thing but still it was mostly material But what you who he was as a performer and what I'm starting to try to accept about myself as a performer for getting For getting real is that a set from me if I'm just doing material. It's just not who I am That's not me. I'm that's not what it's like to watch me as a performer What what I that's why I wouldn't do an album because I'm physical right it would it would disservice me right right And the reason you wouldn't do a special is because you're unknown in the entertainment industry Yes

So it's called crowd surfing and I'm really proud of it. I think it came out really Oh, I can't wait. I love the concept and stuff I think it'll I hope it'll work and then it was the kind of experience you have doing comedy We were like you're like kicking yourself after you do it because like why even I've been doing this for 10 fucking years Like it required nothing, you know, all I had to do is show up I didn't have to like write my new hour all I had to do was like be me show up and record these shows Amazing. Yeah, but anyway, how many shows did you do to record it? It was uh, it was one half hour show No, it was a four four night. Oh four. No, I'm sorry four shows

It was it was a weekend at the DC improv and we sort of stitched together the greatest stories But what's what I do how great is that club by the way? It's the best. Yeah, it's it won't have me back But they said why what happened because they they found out that an imposter was This guy doesn't do stand-up comedy. Oh, it was a money thing. I know it was a money. Oh Oh, you really know they because they go they they'll only pay so much Yeah, I know. Yeah, right and then you if you ask a little bit more they go No, they're coming for the club not you right right right because the club is so historical which I get I guess Did you freak out or something? No, I just said I'll just play Arlington and they'll pay me whatever they pay me

Right, right. Yeah, I feel like I deserve that is a a dilemma of the comedian isn't it? It's like there's certain cities in this country where there's a great room And then there's a bad room and the bad room not that the draft house is bad. I actually really like that play Yeah, but that there's a a worse room and you're like what's more important to me having a wonderful weekend Where I feel like the king of comedy or making a few thousand more dollars For me, it's more of a principal thing though. That makes that makes total right because it's like You know what your worth is. Yeah, and I want to get paid what I'm worth. Right. That's all I'll never forget. I don't know if I've told the story before with you

But we were out to eat and this was like maybe 10 years ago when I involved in the story. Oh, you're there Oh, okay. So this is like When I first moved to LA we were all out eating at the deli next to the laugh factory. Yeah, uh green blats and there's a bunch of comedians and Bobby was like uh Going took out his wallet and he was kind of thumbing through stuff And then he like put a bunch of stuff down on the table and then just kind of like dropped his paycheck from the improv But in a way that was like very clear where the money amount was and all the comedians like all these young comedians are looking over

And we're like Well, it's like when Delia texted me photos of like his dogs, but they're walking on a pile of a hundred dollar bills It's the same kind of thing or a couple of times when he was on undatable He would take a photo of him Depositing his check Right, and it was just an enormous amount of money. Right, and then him just you know, I mean it's it's just we're just fucking You know kidding. No, no But it was funny because there was not um a game of equals to that evening

Yeah, a bunch of feature acts and then Bobby like That's what the future's got in store for you, baby Welcome to green blasts All right, that is something that I would do so I believe it I don't remember it, but it is something that I think he does is when we first met he used to give me so much anxiety He wouldn't never cash his checks. Oh, I do forget about them. That's me So when I would find like a check for $10,000 that's two years old And it would I would have I went through this whole process of having them reissued

So I sent his accountant just a pile of checks that I'd found in the last two years Yeah, and it I could not believe that this guy had just been stashing random That is really for someone who goes to Arlington improv to make a couple more thousand He's not even cashing the checks. It's the principle. It's the principle of it But the actual the literal principle on the money you could have deposited you missed out on all that that's an accounting joke Crowdsurfing Let me defend myself, okay, let me differ myself. I do that too by the way Natasha's always complaining she finds like Fucking wads of cash kilos of coke

Like But she she does you know what the ultimate gangster move at the comedy store is never pick up your never pick Because I'll do that. I'll be like going through my checks and I don't do it very often. Okay But at the end of the day, I am a Jew No matter how successful I've become and I'll be thumbing through it And then you'll get to like one guy and it's just like oh, fuck you Like a hundred checks like you just don't need this. Well, I'm I'm under L's right So I would go to that so at the at the office of the comedy store is a there's a like a

What do you call it a a box or yeah filing a filing box, right? And it's you know, alphabetized and Under L, but I'd have to dig through all of Martin Lawrence's And it's like 3,000 Martin Lawrence checks because he doesn't fucking give a fuck. Yeah, I pick it up I'll tell you why I pick it up. I pick it up because Because I have had financial problems In the last 10 years with IRS and stuff So I want everyone to know that I don't behave like that anymore. Okay. Are you looking at in the camera?

Yeah, I care about you know, I mean and there were times where I haven't made any money I didn't know there was a camera first. I thought maybe you were disassociated Which he does Right, so I'm letting everyone know that I'm not like that anymore and also I I call it shadow money It's like totally I go by shoes and stuff like that with that, right? It's like it's like a selling merch on the road Right. I always think like this isn't real money with the merch. I'll just go this this funds my trip Right and do whatever I want and they also the store just to let you guys know we get 15 dollars Right a set. So it's not like it's thousands of dollars, but after six months you're kind of there's a nice

Right, right. So that's what I do. I wait six months. I'll go and I'll go buy some You know made worn t-shirts or something, you know, but Martin Lawrence literally has three to four thousand checks and they're probably worth By now in the tens of thousands. That's really funny. He doesn't need it. He's going to hear this podcast though Have you ever disassociated? Well, like literally psychologically disassociated No, I'm pretty I'm pretty in touch with myself. No, I used to Do you there's this one time at gelson's where I think I came really really close

classic It was it was a lie. This is when I was like my anxiety a couple years ago was like peaking and I swear to you I could not remember What I had to do Where I was and who to call I like froze. Wow and a produce aisle Oh, and I remember just sweating for a couple minutes and finally coming out of it and then calling jenna to pick me up That sounds like a like a panic attack

It was but it was weird because I've had multiple panic attacks before where it's like I still I'm pretty aware of All the frightening things around me and all the frightening people, but this wasn't it. It was almost like a oh, shit I my soul is departing Wow, how can we even call me? Yeah, that's a great question. You wouldn't have come fast enough Oh The first time First time in your relationship No, I'm much more uh cerebral so I don't leave my brain

I like jump into it. I get into anxiety rather than like popping out, you know But that's me too where I'm so I'm too deep in it that I think what happened was I fell too deep that my soul started to kind of No, no, no, no out of my body idiot. I mean What's your thing? um, I get panic attacks, but um I don't I don't I don't do that. I I'm more isolated I um, I have a I speaking of coping mechanisms. I just thought you I think you would appreciate this both of you

When I was single I just realized I this this I mean I knew this the first part of the story But I realized the the the kicker to the story is wild when I was single I used to go to I would I was very promiscuous when I was single and that was like definitely where I would go. Yeah All right I just wanted to you know But I would um and the comedy store as you know used to like it used to kind of suck It used to be the worst a rough rough rough and like the kind of place where I would never bring a date I would never bring an agent or I would never bring anybody in the industry

I was like don't come see me there see me anywhere else and it's so weird because now it's like the opposite It's the only place that's really kind of fun consistently every time in town But I would do this thing where if I I would go on uh, and if I bombed Which was I would say 40 40 30 40 percent of the time at that point. I mean it was a rough room. It was a rough You would bomb 50 50. Yeah, it was like not not a fun room That I would get in my car and I would be I live in Silver Lake and and the comedy stores in West Hollywood So it's about 30 30 minutes 35 minutes home as I pulled out of the parking lot. I would start texting Uh booty calls and like immediately like and like I would bomb and it was like my my my psychology was like so paper thin

It was just like must fill hole other hole This hole not filled other hole will be filled and I would start texting booty calls like, you know, the you know That when you had like multiples you're like sup sup sup sup sup sup sup sup and and if no one responded to me by the time I hit western, yeah pull over at the windows don't Really you got a buttermilk. Oh fashion. So it's like, okay other hole Hole two unsuccessful hole three perhaps successful. So here's the kicker to the whole thing um, I'm now married to a lovely dwarf and Um, and who you have to believe in in order for her powers to this is a tinkerbell

And we were we were For years we were trying to have a kid and we had a we had a very difficult time having a kid by the way it was like really not not easy for us and uh, we like we did the regular way which was fun, but an eventful at the end and then we went through IVF and That didn't work and then you want to hear this story. Yeah, we love it. Yeah, it's a pretty sweet story actually So we went through so we tried raw dog fucking for a while, which is the clinical term just blasting in the sugar walls and And uh, that's what the doctor called it. Yeah, and it that didn't work and um

And then we went through IVF, which is so hardcore. It's like for the woman. It's so gnarly like it was like Fucking injecting Natasha's ass with like syringes every every night and like Like her whole butt was black and blue and like and she was hormonal and like like crying And it was just really hard and it was to try to harvest these eggs. It's like you're like, uh, Some kind of like alien organism. It's like some farm or whatever. It's like back to Mobius And then they couldn't harvest them and she had these eggs that were frozen Um that she had you know, Natasha's set was all about like I'll never have uh, I'll never be pregnant for long Or having a baby is like a DUI from the universe. These are like a theme of her of her stand-up

Yeah, some weird reason she had frozen five five eggs or eight eggs before she met me before we started dating and um And she So we went we were trying to get these harvested eggs and the doctor kept saying like don't use the frozen eggs Don't use the frozen eggs and he would I remember this conversation He I remember by the way he sat down. He had hair plugs and a vape in his pocket It's a little sketchy for a new doctor. Yeah, although I did go to a doctor recently Uh, and and I uh, he was like do you smoke and I was like, no I vape. He's like, oh, that's cool. I was like, what? I've been waiting for that

Anyway, this doctor was like, you don't want to use the frozen eggs You got to think of the frozen eggs as like your savings account, right? and the and the what we're trying to harvest these are that's like Building up your checking account and I was like thinking to myself like, please do not use a bank account At a point in this most expense. It was like $10,000 around like it was so gnarly And he's like think of it. I was like, oh analogy. You're you're savings. I guess your life's Anyway, we finally gave up and we decided to do the eggs And the frozen eggs and we we thawed them out and it was eight eggs and four of them survived

Do you do it at home? How do you? Yeah, you put in the microwave and then Oh, I see and you're not on the the little holder, right? You know that they the ones that survive when you do at home, you know the ones that survive the ones that don't Because the ones that don't survive they stay there's like a sort of a death scream, right? You know, they're like sea monkeys. You put them in water The sunlight and we'll just see what happens. Yeah, okay Let's see what happens. No, you don't do it at home. You do it. They no, they you don't they do it Yeah, yeah, so they they they thought I'm and only four survived out of eight now

We're down to four. Oh my god, then they tested them all for you know different stuff. Yeah, and only Two survived now. We're down to two and then we implanted one and it failed And so now we're down to one and we're kind of at this point. We're going like, you know what fuck it Adopt or just go to europe, you know, yeah, yeah, spend our lives having fun like you guys. They're like having a good time You know, like it was almost sort of like there was something kind of relieving about it in a way It was like, you know, we'll just be like people without kids and have fun and just whatever Then we implanted the last one and that's our daughter, right? And uh, yeah, it's like it feels miraculous in a way and they were telling her by the way they're like

It's like 40 percent. It's like I said at the comedy store. That's what they said It's like I said at the tommy era comedy. Yeah, how likely this will work And uh, and and now we have this like super awesome kid that's like funny and talking and she's making jokes and she's great Because I the last time I talked to you guys about your kid was um, when he she wasn't talking Right. Now is we're not calling her he she Right. What is it? It's a girl. It is. It's a girl. What's her name? Uh, that we're not saying. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah So, um sweets. Let's call her sweets. Yeah, so sweets was um, not talking all that stuff But then now sweets is communicating totally and in what way and like funny

Like like I guess it was doomed to be funny, but like she is she cracks jokes and stuff like it's wow It's kind of I mean, they're not good yet But it's like oh you and she likes attention She likes like run up to the front of a group and kind of do a thing and like she's clearly got a performer bug You know, right, right. I'm not stoked You know, I would have preferred like oh wow a scientist. I didn't see that coming Yeah, but I definitely feel like she's a bit of a performer. She's awesome. She's great But um, but but is the fate because I've heard dudes say or women

So yeah, the beginning is rough Right, but then once they start communicating it becomes more um I'm not meaningful, but like it just becomes funner Well, it's definitely a lot funner and for the for the first like year. It's kind of like you just have a slug Like it's just like a little flesh slug that you have to keep alive because then then you have like murder charges if you don't I'm just like oh come on slug. Yeah, but and it's cute and stuff. Thank god They say like they say babies are cute so that we won't just be like fuck that I'm going to europe. Yeah, I mean like but then they start talking

But then you know, I was thinking about this the other day You know how boring children are like how you like it's unbelievable how boring they are Like you can't believe the conversation You're like you get me like you want to die when you talk to a kid. Yeah, yeah, like There's this beautiful kind of like mathematics of emotional connection to your baby because like the only person That could ever care about a conversation with a baby that's going like I'm me like purple me like purple daddy drink coffee daddy drink coffee The two of you if you heard that be like fucking yeah daddy drink coffee

Do you have anything else to say dumbass? Yeah, I'm I am fascinated by it because I remember her when she was like So I see like whoa you say daddy drink coffee now You used to just like shit and puke like yeah, yeah It's like parents are like coded to think that it's interesting because to me It's fucking fascinating because I've seen every little strand of development. Do you look forward because I hear dudes go Because kalala and I are we've been talking talking about. We're at an impasse. We're at an impasse Let me guess who wants them and who doesn't I want them. We actually don't I yeah, I don't oh interesting. Are you not the other way? Yeah, kind of maybe I'm sexist

Maybe that was just a sexist. No, I I really want one But I think it was more I think it was more that you feel like the nurturing one and you feel like the nurtured Yeah, I I was it was more just like a fear thing where I if he wasn't going to Um Get better. Oh sure. I was just afraid that you know my genes are weak. No my genes are weak That's what you're saying. You're my genes are weak. No. No, I have the weakest genes. I have murderers in my family I have addiction in my family so to see so do I yeah, yeah Mental illness a lot of what do they say they say an AA?

Mental illness and drug addiction don't run in my family. It gallops Right. Yeah, that's me. I got everywhere. I got but the way but the thing is is that Regardless of how I was born would whatever traits I had or genes it was like I was conditioned by my fucked up parents Yeah, right. So I just feel like if we just use You know, I mean the tools, you know, because number one I would never hit my kid regardless. Yeah, right And my dad used to beat the shit out of me, right? So it's like there's just certain things that I believe that I can fix That is fair. It's like on the one hand the trauma of your past. You feel like well, who am I to raise a kid?

I have this fucked up trauma in my in my blood and in my cultural DNA on the other hand It's like, oh, I've got all this information of how not to raise a kid And I I feel like that like my mom was the opposite. She was like her her abuse was oh was too much Lovingness it was like she was like in on top. I always described as like I mothered. Yeah She grew up. I grew up with her sitting on my chest. That's how it felt. She was just like always there just like Loving me. She used to do this thing when I was a smoker where she would be driving and she would reach over She pat my leg like a loving pat, but it wasn't a loving pat It was a frisk and she'd be she'd be like pat pat and then she'd feel the cigarettes. She's driving on the freeway

And she'd start grabbing them to try to destroy them and the fucking car is like How old are you like seven? Yeah seven when I started smoking That'll be like 16 17. Yeah like 16. Wow I think just things like that like my brother had this crazy breakthrough in therapy Which I really impacted me strongly. It's like growing up But we would tell my mother a need that we had like, you know, like we're hungry or you lied or whatever And she would respond. I love you and it was like that's not the right answer That's that's not even applicable to what we're talking about. Like just the same thing

When he's up against the corner or if something he he replies what I love you as like I hate it It's one of the sorry Bobby Bobby lives me crazy What are you doing? But it is it is so like but in a way it is so belittling Where it's it does make me feel similar There's two options. I love you. Shut the fuck up I love you feels like the better. I love you feels like the better I know shut the fuck up is perfectly adequate. Yeah, and I prefer that. Oh you do. Yeah, absolutely

I hate that. I love you It's but but don't you feel like we learned like just what Bobby's saying like you learn all this information from fucked up parents Like I would like I just there's so many things I would never do to my kid because I they they were done to me And it's obvious in retrospect. Do you think that we could possibly over correct though? Because I feel like that's what my mom did my mom grew up very Poor and there were times when she's a one of 10 kids didn't have a lot of Food a lot of times her son. She told me like one time She was so hungry and they didn't have food. So her mom gave her salt and water to kind of bloat her stomach and feel

It was that desperate one time like her brother ate toothpaste and rice to just add flavor to the rice Shit like that. So when she got to me Minty rice though minty rice When she got to me She didn't allow me to feed myself. It was always spoon fed because she wanted me to meet all my You know Exactly and so I was spoon fed up until I was almost 13 But you know about I know but you now you now know about overcorrecting, right?

Yeah, it's not she's not aware of her behavior What I'm saying is is that because I'm in therapy because I go to meetings because I talk to people about Issues that I have and I even go is this like in my therapist today. It's like what I what I kind of tell you What happened Friday night? Sure. Yeah, I'm like, no. Do we get back to my album, please? We will we will we will but um, I I acted like such a fucking baby So Friday night, I'm playing the improv at Irvine and you know, I heard in power

Irvine improv drop I had a hard time getting that joke. Right. It was not worth it. Yeah, but I But I um So in my head, I'm like, you know, normally, you know, the last years I played Irvine It's always them calling me like, where are you? Uh-huh. Are you here because you're about to go up and I'm like, no, I mean, uh, I just left house You said it like that. Yeah, I left house. I left house. Yeah, and they're like, what? You know what I mean? Like I'm they're trying to convince them you're foreign

Bobby doesn't really know But I I'm always late. I'm you know, I and then when I show up People have to stretch and people get nervous and worried right and since I'm sober again I went through all the stuff I went through and I'm in therapy now. I you know decide Friday. I go I'm gonna leave during the day Sure to be mindful and respectful to them be respectful to me. So I don't have to panic And I'm gonna have a nice dinner there and then I'm gonna do my shows. So when I showed up I they go, what are you doing here? It's early and I told explain to them. I'm being mindful. Me left house

house So I um me mindful. Yeah, so I decided I'm gonna just eat at a restaurant And I'll see you guys at showtime like fine. I go to this restaurant next door called paul martini martini's And I go it's kind of busy and I go. Hey, I'm headlining next door It's just a table for one. Can I just get a table because I have to perform? No to our way Yeah, but you know I continue yeah, I go I'm the headliner at the improv and I can I get a table? No, we're too busy

So I go back to the club and I go you have any poll we have no poll there now. I'm getting a little angry at paul martini's Uh-uh. We can't do anything about So then they go we have a fucking connection at Javier's So I go, you know what? I'll go to Javier's they go. We'll call in advance. I show up to Javier's and the two hispanic Good thing you mentioned the race. I was wondering

I have to know who they are I have to tell people who they are I go, um, hey, man. I'm headlining next door. You know, I'm in a row. Can I just get a table of one? To our weight. I got no, I'm they called. I know they called No But I'm you know, I mean Nothing So I go back to the club and I don't know what switched in my mind. Oh, no, but now I'm I I'm not doing the shows

You didn't want to do the show. He leaves and he's driving around in circles. He calls me What do the shows have to do with it because it's I'll tell you why in my thinking at the time Okay, anyone listening to me. I know it sounds crazy. It gets crazy at the time This is at the time but in the moment, right my thinking is right I sold 2,500 seats I know that 30% of the audience eats at these restaurants So I I bring in traffic for these restaurants. All the comics do. I'm sorry, but we do right and

Also, I was just at the Cleveland Hilarities I showed up when the restaurant was closed and because nick and the restaurant is so respectful They opened everything up and they served me prime rep or just respect Well, that club is like built on respect like that that place You always feel like you're you grew up in the Bronx and the mob boss loves you Right, Nick. Come here. He grabs your elbow. You come here. Is anything wrong? You need new clams? What a great man, right?

Yes, so you you you go to places you get treated that like and then like, you know Your brother like we just that's out of our hands, right? And then I'm and then you can eat our shitty food Oh, I'll get diarrhea before the show. That's great, right? But I um, I I acted like a baby and I go, you know what? I'm not doing it. And then he calls me. I call and he's just in an Absolute rage. I'm not doing the shows. I'm not doing the shows. Who do I call? I'm like, well, I don't know and I'm rude. This is how I know I'm codependent because instead of saying You're being a fucking baby get back in there and do the shows I was like, oh, yeah, that's fucked up

At Paul martini's how fucking dare they feed it. She fed into it. She fed into it, right? She that's what I love about her. That's funny. That's what's great. I'm seeing you guys as parents Bobby's like, I walked away from the playground. I left junior there alone. What did he do? That's fucked up He deserves it I just cosigned and I was like, wait, this is a problem. So then what'd you do? But then The next night I showed up again super late To make them worried To make the Irvine improv worried. Yeah, that I might wasn't gonna show up

But what did I have to do with that next time I play they call him about the heavy air and Paul They make, you know, I mean their proper decision maker. I know I know They fucking chong Chong chong, I fucking know that that behavior is crazy I'm like a baby and it comes from My childhood. I think you were just hangry No, no, it's not hangry, babe

I'm trying to cosign some more cosigning too hard I used to um When I would drive from the Oakland to San Francisco, which I did Four or five times a week when I started comedy Uh, because a lot of the open mics were there. Yeah, every time I would get to the toll booth operator I would say how you doing and I would say 90 90 percent of the time They would completely ignore me and take the money. I go good. Nice talking to you and I drive off Every time and then at a certain point I was like I pulled up and I was like

Why am I saying? How are you doing to these people? Am I saying it to be kind to them in what is probably a thankless job where you want to put a bullet in your brain? Or am I doing it to elicit proper behavior? Am I am I here to teach these people a lesson in in cordial behavior? Am I just trying to be a nice guy because I'm pretending I pull up nice guy and then they don't they don't they give me the Result I've had every time and then I'm like, well nice talking to you too. I'll see you another time then Oh, uh, yeah, have a nice day and I drive off. So then I just started saying how you doing?

And then they don't answer and I take my money and I drive It's like my job is not to teach the world the lessons I know dude, so but the thing is is that my behavior is rooted in When you know, my parents Did fucked up things to me and I found such injustice and disrespected Right, right because your dad he would beat you up and then he would go to Paul martini's every first You couldn't afford it But uh, no, so I you know, I whenever there's some I feel there's some sort of you know disrespect

I know I'm and injustice that I act inappropriately And it's so that's what I'm saying is is that I'm analyzing My behaviors like is that time in I talked to my therapist today about the time in the movie theater with when we watched hereditary Well, yeah, but see that was no no what we did was wrong What what happened a quick breakdown? Yeah Okay, I'll give you a quick synopsis. We did we're watching hereditary and during when that girl's head comes off. You're jerking off I get it. We've all done that Um, so there was a couple in front of us

Um, during the end of the movie. There was a particularly scary scene and we scream Yeah, Bobby's coping mechanism when he screams after he screams. He does his giggle at the end. Oh, sure He screams and he giggles. Um, the couple in front of us didn't like that. We were being expressive and or screaming at all actually and um, They turned around and they were like shut the fuck up. Whoa, and basically Yeah, and basically told us if you know that you make sounds at a movie theater or like are, you know, scream You probably shouldn't be watching this in public Is what they told us like during the scary part where it was a jump scare. You left their race out now. I'm curious, but uh

That's crazy to say in hereditary of all things That's insane It would have been cool if he had turned around and been like shut the fuck. Are you a stand-up comedian? I recognize you see that knows that he's a stand-up. Yeah, right. Well, anyway, that was I was an attempt at a joke, but uh, are there editors on this podcast? Sorry, we're keeping it Instead of just letting it buy his album And obviously these people were like unreasonable sure, but we played their game. So when the lights came back up We waited for the credit to go down. They waited. Yeah, everyone left the theater. Oh, you waited till the end of the credits

Yeah, yeah, and the lights came on because we wanted to see them in the face We wanted to be like who the fuck are we wanted to have a confrontation basically because typically we're really spineless Sure, we're the most spineless couple ever when things are done to us. We're like, okay. Well, that didn't work out We're a tail talk to become Jewish. Okay. Well, welcome the girl So what yeah, what happened then it became um a Screaming one way screaming. I took my earrings off. I slapped Vaseline in my lips. I was ready to fight wait literally Yeah, it was a Vaseline on

Oh, I thought that was a real fight. That's some that's another fucking joke Moshe real Filipino shit. That's a real joke This one's for Manny. This one's for Pacquiao, baby so, um There's four stories to this ball where this theater is Down the escalator We're right behind them screaming. Well, they were screaming right back though. Yeah screaming at each other Oh, I relate to this so much and the fucking movie theater. It's a scary movie I can't fucking scream you piece of shit and then you know what they did afterwards

They were like we need to call security As if so they were white. Okay. I figured it out. Got it. Got it. Got it. And then she started Fuck you When they said security, oh white people, okay And then the the woman started um Scream crying, but she started to get emotional. Oh, wow And then I doubled down because then I got a little bit with a little bit of blood And then it was like Blair high school all over you loved it

Yeah, and I hadn't popped off like that as an adult Ever and but it was but that was fucked up. We should have just let it pass We should have moved seats. They were crazy. I know I do that too I literally I was talking about this just with my family on the way here before I just before I came here about the space between Uh incident and reaction the like that one second space where like I was I was talking about this fight I got into a burning man recent this last year where it's just like some guy was Telling me to move the my bike and I was like, okay, no problem

And he's like because they're out in the fucking road and then I was like Like That's all it it's like, what do I care? And now I'm thinking back on it It actually ended very funny because then I was just like they're not We started getting in each other's faces started screaming and said burning that's like a hippie festival And I'm like, you know step out my face motherfucker, you know And then and then it's just getting more and more tense and then finally somebody grabs the guy and pulls him away

And grabs me and pulls me away and it just really did happen. Somebody came up to me and goes Hey, are you motion cash or do you do a podcast with Natasha? It was like the worst timing. Yeah Yeah, that's the best because it shows the guy. No, he was long gone. Long gone. Oh damn it And I just go I grab the guys I grabbed the guy's sleeve. I go, please don't tell anybody about this Is there a part of you though that where it's like it's obviously not our job to Teach people how to have manners or how to react But there's a part of me where I'm like, am I gonna let this guy live his whole life unchecked? Does he do this to other people? Well, I've thought about this a lot

Which is that sometimes okay as you live in the world and there's a certain philosophy Where people like like to fight because they go if you live in the world and you're a primate And you get in the space of another primate, you're going to get the consequences of a primate My primate brain is going to come up and I'm going to attack you or you're going to attack me Like part of living in the world with homo sapiens is that we sometimes use violence to prove our point or verbal violence Our brains have developed over time, right? But there is a logic to it, right? Which is that people shouldn't be allowed to act like this, right? People shouldn't be allowed to live like this unchecked. But then I know for myself

I have so many stories of stuff like this. I want to tell you a couple if you have the time for it But I know for myself I am never the person that should be teaching those lessons because it's spiritually and psychologically destructive to me It never I never walk away going like cock of the walk, baby. Now they know what's up Yeah, that that dumpy lady scream cried at the amc 15 and she's gonna change It's like I always feel emotionally hungover and fucked up always. You're right. And I feel the same way I feel sick afterwards. It's like a sick adrenaline dump and I feel like I lost it's a shame hangover Yeah, and then you get have you been in a fight in the in your adult life

In my physical physical fight because the thing is like I have and I won and I felt I know You want I know I know I know I have a whole bit about it on my first With the Brad Williams who was it? It was Natasha. Yeah, it was another dwarf. No, it's I I want and that's the punchline of the whole joke is like The shame dump is literally what you're talking about the moment the fight was over It's a whole long bit on my special But I go the moment the fight was over I was just like immediate flood of shame like like I was saying the closest you could compare it to is like

When you're with someone sexually that you shouldn't be with the moment after you have an orgasm you're like, oh fuck Yeah, you just want to like push the person off of your bed, you know what I mean to make them kind of disappear into their car And I immediately fire I immediately ran up to the guy I just won he literally the guy tapped out. I like choked this guy out and uh, this was like you did you jitsu? No, I was wide, but I do watch a lot of ufc, which is just very very similar But it's like the counter fight. Yeah, it was amazing amazing. We'll talk about it in a second So literally this is a hundred percent true. I like I fight the guy

I'm choking him. He taps out. I immediately feel ashamed of myself and I run up to the guy and I shake his hand I'm like, I'm so so sorry like I don't know what I was thinking and like It's just like that that shame dump is like so It basically the point of the bit is you can't win a fight as an adult And and oh the punchline is is that I I'm feeling ashamed of myself. I'm feeling terrible and then I'm like But think about that fucking guy I just won the fight think about how not how that guy's night is going You wouldn't imagine you're getting choked out. You look up and it's fucking me looking back at you

That's that's a rough night in the tenderloin. Yeah, but you know at the end of the day I know I know at the end of the day I know punchline people come people come People I don't know what those people in the movie theater, right? I don't know what their lives are like. I don't know what happened during the day for them to do that Maybe they had a bad day or whatever, right? But I think I've got a pretty good picture of what his life was like I know but babe babe, but he's wearing a Patagonia jacket And in what's that place in next to Seattle that's super tech place rich

Bellevue Bellevue. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had a pretty good picture of what I know, but it's we should have just let it show No, I was just listening to a podcast actually about this community organizing a group in Chicago That's basically trying to intercede with exactly what we're talking about. What what what is the difference? In reaction like if you can have one second to think because in Chicago, you know They have a huge murder problem and it's all these kids that are that are basically shooting each other over The moment it's done. They're like I just murdered a person over a fucking mountain dew and a You know a thermos and like I just want that one second of my life back

And they're trying to do like community intervention to help people with that like that second between reaction and action It's like That is my that is my worst spot when I'm disrespected in any way. I'm like I go fucking apopleptic, dude Me too. I was driving with Natasha Uh, we flew back from somewhere and we we were at lax and this uber pulled up and Our uber pulled up and I could tell where we were getting in the car This guy hates us like I could just feel it. I knew it. He was like a older white dude Like he looked like a like a he's like old like 55 60 look like a jazz professor like he had like

But very skinny and tall, right? Just like like kirk taylor kirk fox as an old man, you know, okay? And but dorky and he like he hated us. I could feel it and to be fair We were both wearing two hats because we brought too many hats so I could see why he hated us I was just like oh this guy like thinks we're like hipster scum or something. Yeah, just feel it and the energy was you are but No, but not everybody hates that you can just feel this dude And we were we had just watched the movie um midnight cowboy love that move on the on the uh flight over Yeah, that's the that's the john void. Yes, and doesn't happen And we're like talking about the the film on the way back and like, you know, it was like, oh, were they in a gay relationship?

Or what was it was a psychological? I'm walking here. You're walking over here and you could feel the uber driver just like fucking Oh, just couldn't he couldn't stand us and we got to our house I should have been by the way immediately when I noticed his energy been like let's get a different car But I didn't so we're getting close to the house and I'm like Uh, oh, this is a turn-only lane. You want to get into your into your left lane and he's like Then he gets in the left lane and then I'm like, okay turn left here at my house and he's like Then he loses it for this is literally the only interaction we had with him

He's like I fucking know what I'm doing. Okay And I go okay pull the fucking car over right now like I I'm like snapping right and and he's just like I'm fuck you and he pulls over and and I'm like I'm like screaming he's screaming at me He's like you fucking jackass and I start recording which is always a way to calm things down You're ever in a conflict if you start recording everything calms him down immediately everybody's happy record record record So he's like he goes I I'm I'm like pop the trunk bitch I'm getting my my luggage and he's like I'm not giving you your luggage

I'm calling the police and I'm like for fucking what you motherfucker like what and I'm like Natasha's pregnant She's like nine months pregnant. It's like I think we were flying back from our special actually which was her last Uh her last flight before she could uh before she couldn't fly anymore So she's like demonstratively pregnant and I'm fucking losing my mind. I'm like I'm like giving my fucking luggage I like you know just give me my luggage give me my luggage. He's like no. I'm calling the police and I go Natasha Uh jump in the car and pop it. She's pregnant and Natasha's like please stop and I'm like get away from me That's how I know There's two signs that I am I'm out of control is if I'm screaming at Natasha when she tries to stop it

Or if I mentioned that I grew up in Oakland if I ever mentioned that I grew up in a very bad situation We're not in a good place But and I'm like I'm like pop I'm telling a pregnant woman like hop in do a fucking stunt Like jump into a car pop and so finally he goes off. He's calling the police I don't know why and I run and I jump in and I pop the trunk and he runs back over slams the car And I'm like I'm like I don't know what I'm gonna do here like I don't know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna like beat this old man's ass like I'm gonna I just don't know what to do and somehow Natasha

Combs the situation down enough that he gets the he gets the um That somehow takes our luggage out and I grab it and I'm like, uh, I'm like, all right I got my luggage. I get the fuck off my property, bitch. Also, you know, I if you mentioned your property Yeah, your bad bad white. That's a white person. Right my property I own this and he's like I'm not going anywhere. I'm calling the police I'm gonna wait till the police get here and I go and they fucking tell them what man and he goes I'm gonna tell them that you guys are fucking idiots and I go. Yeah, I'm sure they'll arrest us for being idiots And he goes, yeah, and I'm gonna tell him and I'm gonna tell him that you didn't understand the plot to midnight cowboy

I was like, okay, you win. I think you win Like as a comedian, I think like did he really say that I swear to god That's what he was mad about. I guess so and I just go like, you know what as a comedian. I got a respect What was his rating when you first uh, what was his rating on uber? Oh, that's a good question. I don't know You're gonna check that. I didn't even look but I will tell you Your boy did not pay for that ride. Definitely did contact uber. That was my first my go-to my Jewish was the first go-to You didn't call corporate no, I I complained to corporate

But then it's like ubers are crazy, right because they dropped you off at their house I mean if a man is willing to get into a near physical altercation They over the plot of midnight cowboy. Yeah, like is he not willing to come back and shoot my place up? Yeah, you gotta be careful Yeah, it's it's scary. So all I should have done all I should have done a real What could you have done different in that situation? Take a left here. I know what I'm fucking doing. Okay, man There we go. I mean, that's what you're supposed to do as an adult in the world It's not let's not I'm not trying to be like the alpha male of the world. Obviously look at me I've made some choices that have taken that out of my

It's like it's like, okay, man Move your fucking bikes. All right, dude. And then if you get aggressive be like, I'm sorry. I mean, why not? What does it matter? Yeah, what am I trying to accomplish? That's what it is That's what I was talking to my therapist about is is that it's you know in retro if you look at the incident, right? Let it pass Let some time pass your emotions are too close to the event Well, you think about what the stakes are of what they're doing. What are the stakes when someone tells you shut up in a movie? What are the real stakes of that of that offense zero less than zero? It's like wow somebody told me to shut up at a movie theater

Okay, they're they seem rude But in the moment it feels like I'm willing to die or go to prison for the rest of my life because of this and the stakes are Zero, they're zero. Yeah, so that's what I want. I want to be a guy my stepfather is larry. You guys know larry And He's like the meekest. He's a scientist. He's an entomologist and my life my whole life. I've been living by He was an entomologist. Yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. He was a bug doctor. Yeah I will for the longest time. I wanted to be a forensic entomologist. You study how bugs died No, to basically date dead bodies based on the bugs that are living in the corpses

Wow, his is much less sexy. He does like database management for aphids and Oh, I like aphids Sexy Your stepfather looks like women's science in the lambs when she brings the bug to those nerds What does that what does he say? What does that um detective do on his off time? It repeats in a beer or something like that. Yeah, but that's the opposite of my he's the meek He wouldn't have flirted with jody foster. He would have just like looked at his computer All my whole life. I'm i'm jewish. So I can't do ww jd get to what would jesus do

But I always ask myself what would larry do all my life Oh, I'm like he's like my spiritual north star I'm like, what would larry do in this situation if a uber driver was rude to him? He would go like, oh, okay, please let me out. What would larry do if somebody told him shut the fuck up in a movie theater He would just go, hmm And like listen, I don't want to be like a beta bitch like my stupid bitch ass stepdad. No, I'm kidding But like like he's got spiritual wisdom because he doesn't care. He's not it's not that he's just a bitch It's a he doesn't care. He's like, why would none of that has to do with me. I got bugs to kill. Oh, I like larry

Yes, I should live what would I I'm gonna do the same from here on out the another thing I was thinking I was telling my aunt about we're literally talking about this on the way here. It's so weird Is that I do boxing training, uh, right? Why do you laugh? You seem like you oh, are you okay? You seem like you had an indigestion right when I said boxing It's like, um, kathy bates saying that she's a That's a smoker Okay Sorry, I'm so sorry. I do I take boxing from paula pound stone

And and my trainer is like it's like fitness boxing, you know, it's not we're not like I'm not like Oh, okay. I'm not like training to be a killer. Say it's something else. Is it like noble? Yeah. No, it's no It's it's pretty good. It's like martial arts training, but it's on bags. We don't spar or anything Anyway, the point is the guy who teaches the class used to be a prize fighter He was like in the ring and he's fought like hundreds of fights And I asked him about the situation at burning man Actually, because the guy what happened was the moment I said actually my bikes aren't in the in the road So chill out or something like that the guy got in my face

And that's when I really lost it. I was just like you're in my face You know, I have all this like programming telling me that when a man is in my face it's time to More aggression and I go, what do you do in a situation like that? He was like I all the main thing you need to do is move to the right and get out of his Uh, his punching range And I was like there's like a spiritual analogy to that like I just always need to like like because the problem is I'm not

Martial arts man enough to think I must move to the right and get out of this guy's punching range You know, I'm like in his face, which is where you get knocked out. Yeah, but also spiritually It's where you get knocked out when you step in further You're in more danger not less danger You're trying to like you're trying to out shout the chimp But if you move to the left or the right whichever is the thing where you won't get punched You're out of the you're out of range of the rage and then you can make choices Then if the person is really dangerous, okay, you can hit them back or okay

You can say something back But I want to be in control of moving to the right of people when they bring me aggression. Wow. Those are the last words of my album But you know like when I when I did this When I went to this therapy group a couple years ago There were a couple people in the group that were rageaholics and they were court ordered to To be there because they didn't have a handle on their rage And one lady had like jumped out of the car in the middle of freeway and like pulled another

Lady out of her car and beat the shit out or some shit like that that's rageful But even the knowledge of like, you know how you're talking about that one second like reactionary time They were able to break it down to make it make it look like visually for us How long and how many like how many processes bodily processes we actually go through before in that one second Before we make that bad decision Right, and I think for her that was really helpful is to see that it's not just the second It's actually a long time right before you you can make a choice in that time And you're also making mini calculations because like I'm sure you've all been in a situation where you try to buck up on someone

Then you assess who you've just bucked up on and then you're immediately able I did that once on the bridge same bridge I pulled up somebody cut me off. I pulled up. I was like hey, and I looked in and it was like fourth thug ass motherfucker Oh, I'm not trying to be disrespectful God it was like one moment before I was like the gangster of Of the Bay Bridge and now all of a sudden I'm like a diplomat like, you know what I mean? It's like so if you can make the calculation, that's what I really realized It's like I've gotten into situations before with people that I've deemed physically weaker than me I know it's hard to believe there are any but I've made the calculation and that feels worse than anything

Well, I have one friend in particular who one time he said something to me and I just like Sort of threatening him and I like I'll beat your ass all this like so the fucking stupid Oakland programming, you know And yeah, it's always I'll knock you out. It's like so stupid as shit And then I go I wouldn't have done that if that guy was bigger, which means he I'm a coward It means I'm I'm a pathetic coward. I assessed him. I was like you're not a threat to me physically And now I can really like Yeah, if you can make that calculation, how come you can't make the secondary calculation of like I'm just not gonna I'm not gonna do it like think about how many people are in jail right now because of a moment that they

That is the most meaningless and meaningful moment of their lives. That's like my entire Filipino family Somehow someone always finds an ice pick Someone always gets stabbed. It's our weapon of choice ice picks Everyone at least four males in my family during an altercation has found an ice pick as if they're just available everywhere Yeah, but I'll tell you what okay to bring it back to the child thing Yeah, I'll tell you what you can take. I don't know why I'm giving you counseling But I'll tell you what you can take some solace from in terms of your uh, you're worry about your family and their ice picks You know their collection of ice picks

In my experience so far child raising a child is not reactionary. It's not momentary It's the like I said you see the baby when it's a slug and then it goes gurgle gurgle and then it goes dad Dad and then it goes dad does tired and then it goes dad out. Will you read me a story and then it you know It's like everything is it's slow and it unfolds and so you don't you're it's not a momentary reaction It's a it's a process a slow process so you can you can even watch the trauma come and say I'm not gonna bring that here I'm not gonna How do you explain like shaking baby shaking baby syndrome then and how like mostly it's like the dads that give him like Subderil hemorrhaging, you know hemorrhaging. How do I explain that? Yeah, like you know how they always say like men

No, no, no, I have an explanation for shakes her baby. That's a common thing. Hey when there's billboards. They don't shake your baby Yeah, but I don't know why you would go Because we think it's not a big shake frustration. It actually takes a very little shake No, I'm gonna do this Do this And then that's it three positions I mean, I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do that. No, I think you're not gonna do this Bruce Lee palms right as you do the uh the uh chokehold I did in San Francisco. Yeah, I'll do like a kumura

I mean, I can't speak I can't speak to people that are Literally mentally Incapable of raising children like I don't think that's you that's very obviously not you. Yeah, we're not gonna do that Shit people that shake their baby to death. No fucking baby. I'm so afraid of myself. I think I saw you with the Jessica's baby You're like a like it's a god jesus pussy. It's like fucking tender Oh, do you have god jesus pussy god jesus? So my favorite alternative band is the 90s. Wait, do you have pets?

I have six you have six and do you often shake them to death? No, never one I've never hit not we're so have they ever made you angry? All yeah, dude, my fucking dog just bit the fuck out of me yesterday So you have the capability of not killing a defenseless animal possibly. Yeah. Well, my I postulate That you will like your baby even more than you're sick. You're than you're too many pets, you know I there's a there's I think that you're probably you know what I mean the people that do that kind of shit Those are people that were forced into having children and they are psychologically Incapable of it and they just somehow found themselves in a situation where you know, they they shouldn't ever have had access to a

Child and they have one and they're literally tasked with raising it and that is what happens. Yeah I think I mean, I don't know. I'm not a cycle expert. Let's talk about connor. Okay. Wait, can I finish the Yeah, and then we'll talk about connor. Is it okay? Yes. Is that okay? What are you fucking one? Oh, this is your show. I just know it's not it's yours. I never worked here together. You're my friend I um Speaking of of psychological ticks. Yeah, and coping mechanisms we had the baby and uh, we had a c-section or she did I I was just jerking off but

They the the thing that happens with the c-section is it's kind of interesting because I actually I actually think it's kind of cool for the dad If it's a c-section because the mom is so drugged out Because she's just had surgery that they they just hand you the baby and you're like, oh my god I guess oh my god like it gives you this instant time of you or you are caring for this child So there's something very cool about that from a father's perspective So I was holding this baby and by the way, I didn't feel fireworks I didn't feel and I feel like that's a lie that people tell dads like the moment the

Women have a physiological connection. So it's like different but for dad I felt mostly confused and my first thought was like this might have been a mistake Like I don't think I'm capable of this because I didn't have the firework. I was just confused confused and scared and like Now I'm in charge. Yeah, and that's one of the first things you realize with parenting is you're like, wait I'm in charge I just care for it like yeah, imagine you imagine you're a 16 year old Like impoverished mentally ill drug addict and they go here. You're in charge. That's when you shake the baby anyway So they give you the baby and and I'm just like holding her and I'm like, oh god. This is so intense

I don't even what is what is this and finally I'm I'm overwhelmed and The the nurse comes in after about two hours. She's like I have to take the baby and wash her and stuff like that And I you can go get something to eat or something and I I swear to god This is the truth. I walked across the street from Good Samaritan Hospital Directly into a donut shop and I bought a buttermilk old fast Just like I used to on western. Wow. I think somehow there's some You just ate it at the hospital Connor yeah

What'd you think of that fight? I mean that was it was I couldn't believe it. Yeah, I thought that was it was fucking awesome Yeah, I mean I you know Connor's one of these fighters where you're like, he's so great because Floyd's like this Colby Covington's like this because they're so dangerous But then also you kind of want them to lose Yeah, but then you also know that they're dangerous So you're kind of like enjoying that you're enjoying your own pain when they don't lose they're like, oh god They got me again or whatever and then they do lose you're like You know and uh, I I don't know but that was like that was it terrifying. No, it's it's literally

First of all, I love I love Connor because For me I would be so nervous And in my head I'd be like this is gonna be 50 50. Yeah, right? But he walks into the ring. It's crazy. I was as almost as if it he has it in the bag. No matter I mean fucking Seroni is no fucking chump. Right. He's a beast. Right, right like like

Uh, uh one of the best fighters of all time has a lot of records too has a lot of records, so Now Bobby Bobby Bobby that moment. Yeah, I said I has a lot of records you had the second to decide how to react to that You went the other direction But when he slammed his shoulder into sort of his face improv Right improv. It's it's funny. You say that because the other thing I was thinking about was also a comedy analogy Which is you know in your you kind of use the opposite energy like we were talking about earlier You use like humility or like Sad I'm not good enough energy, but as you know very well

There's a lot of comedians that use the opposite which is this like this hubris and bravado where they can't bomb And it's it works. It's true The more unbelievably confident and when I saw Connor step to the middle of the ring and like do whatever weird move Something he made up or he's just like I own everything I was like this is like a comedian who's like I can't bomb. Yeah, that's what happened. He was like, I'm not gonna lose. I won't lose and and you as you're watching You kind of believe it. Right. I know right you believe it and then he does what he does and you go

You know, and you know what I'm inspired by him I really I really am. Yeah, because it's like, you know a lot of time You know how they say if you walk into a room like this Totally, right? You lost the room like if you job interview you lost it, right? You have to open yourself up, right? And he he brings his shoulders out And he he he goes here. I am to the world, right? And seroni was a little just pasty and a little you know, but that doesn't always work a lot of sometimes Come the fighters come out and they're like pacing around

No, I didn't Maybe my my sister Yeah, but Wait, stop or is that what the fuck is going on here? No, it's because how do you interrupt the the contractors are Construction. Yeah, my they don't park in the lot anymore Okay, well just they're nice people. No, no, no, this is you don't interrupt like that Oh, I should keep some time. Yeah, give it time It's the reactive mind it's impossible. Do we have an unhelpful advice? We do. You know what this is at the end? No, tell me

every show we have an email and People with problems and we give them either Good advice or bad advice. This is this is kind of I'm not it's not similar But it's like we do the we do advice on our podcast that you guys came on Yeah, but you guys do the the people phone in with their secrets. Yeah, I love that I had I was very envious and I was like, why didn't I think of that? You guys were so good on it. You were so funny if you listen to that podcast guys

If you love these two, you're gonna love them on our podcast Could I say your you being on this was so insightful for me and I talked about things I never talk about Well, I and I really because I I get in the rhythm of talking with the same bullshit And it's like I learned a lot from you and um, I truly honestly, I don't understand why I know you're busy and stuff, but we should be more better friends. I agree and I didn't get the before we go into Unhelpful advice. I didn't get to thank you for what a kind intro you had I mean, there's nothing kinder than a comedian saying I don't talk shit about this person behind their back Very very, but the feeling is is is and always has been so mutual. I love you. I love you too, man. Yeah

Yeah, go ahead. Unhelpful advice with Bobby Kalyla and Musa Kasher Oakland brah Hey, I'm a high school student living in northeast Iowa for the past few months. I have been met with a problem I think my girlfriend's dad wants to kill me We've been dating eight months and I am madly in love But her father does not let me be with her because he does not trust me We have only kissed around five times and have not even hooked up Recently, she says she wants to take a break from me and her dad wants her to break up with me

If she doesn't he will beat her. What should I do? Yes, I'm a huge kid 210 pounds and mostly muscle and can bench over 100 pounds over my own weight I am much larger than her father. How old is he? Uh, no age, but high school I love I love the part of the end. He's just like just fyi. I didn't paint a man a picture. I could knock that out in a hot second My thing is is this is that um, and we've talked about this before but

It's your first high school. I know it's like nothing. It's not worth the beat down. It's not worth any of it It's like trust me, dude. I'm telling you right now If I would have married The the small selection of women that were at my high school I probably would have had a miserable life if I would have married John Lynn. I would have been great Horrifying I would have had a nice life in Taiwan That was the most brutal

I didn't I didn't the other boys Sergio with a BMX. No, he he eventually lost his mind. Um, but John Lynn Yeah, right John Lynn. I'm gonna google I I honestly I still look at his Instagram and I I I I imagine I'm like, you know what that would not have been such a bad life What a reveal this was at the very end of the podcast. I wait, do we want to process this or should I go ahead? No, keep going. Well, I was just thinking that the again, no one's impressed with how much you can bench Like if you say how much you can bench if you did get sexual with this girl, it would be uneventful for her No one who mentions how much I can bench has ever been a good lover

But uh, but in in the email, he said he said something very pivotal Which is because my first bit of advice is going to be that you should just walk up to the dad and make the v the like the pussy eating I think that's You know, you always break up the tension with a joke or whatever, you know But then she said now if to be serious, she said she he said she recently Asked for some space which means like so this girl Let's pretend you guys really are in love and you have two different competing polls, right? The love and then this like weird abusive

father situation And the this woman this girl has made a choice which dynamic she's interested in playing She's decided i'm gonna go with the fucked up because it's very difficult to break family patterns I'm gonna go towards the abusive dad situation. Yeah, so your answer has already been given to you She's decided to side with the abusive dad Your relationship is over. That's even the two. We don't know what the dad is really like We don't really know what he's like. We don't know The circumstances as like I can't go out with you. It does sound fishy. Yeah. Yeah, I can't date you anymore

Where my dad will beat me Also, they really kissed like four times uh five kalayla five five time kiss. Yeah. Yeah, that still sounds charitable Don't you remember? Yeah, right? Totally. It's either. I don't like you. I never liked you or my dad beats me And she just shows the third excuse. I used to just fuck virgin boys. Is that true? You did I wouldn't I wouldn't um fuck virgin boys No, no, I wouldn't I would if I ever found out a girl was a virgin that I was interested in I would end it because I was like, I don't want to live in your memory

Yeah, I was the opposite. So I was really um I think that I wasn't given a lot of validation as a teen and I wanted to be imprinted in their memory forever You definitely are so um with my bull cut Um, I took some chances and I said, okay, um Um, john lin's not gonna fuck me. So I'm going to fuck all the virgin boys. Okay. That's pretty crazy And being blazed in their memory forever. Have you had sex with a virgin? Yeah I never had I don't think I ever had it. It was terrible. I saw the girl that I lost my virginity

She's dead the whole time. No, what out? Oh, are we are 50 tons in a row and she liquid, not Owl. No. She'll go like this Oh, wait, she said oh, we are we Yeah. How old was she? nine Thank god that wouldn't be weirder if she was 25 25 year old says Oh, I think she was 22. Yike. So you just saw the girl you lost your virginity Well, I had burning man. She fucking walked up to me

And I don't know why all these stories come back to burning man. This is but walks up to me You're super hot actually and she was like hey Mosha. How are you? I was like good good She's like how's Brian like my childhood best friend. That's not his real name. I don't know why I just changed it But anyway, I was like good like he's good and I'm like who is this? Walked away, and I go I like almost I think I screamed it, but she was just out of here said I go fuck That's a girl. I love my virginity like so that's I didn't even remember her It was not Tasha there Natasha was not there. No, she was I don't why do you go there if Natasha? I had a good a birding man if Natasha had been there. She would have fucking taken her earrings off put that vessel

Is it fun? Yeah, it's the most because I know Harlan Williams goes does he really loves it there Wow Interesting. I mean, I guess it makes he's a weird thing the weird thinker. Yeah, so that makes sense Yeah, it's the most fun. It's the most fun weekend. I have pretty much all year you go every year I've been every year for the last 20 years Oh, so you know when is it next? It's Labor Day. What's that? September? Oh, you already passed Well, it both it has passed and also is coming I am one is I want to make a declaration. Okay, do you go with I go with whoever now? You know, I like to I go next can I go in September you?

I love I'm you to go You're gonna be what helmet how long sober it's not an easy place to be newly sober it Oh No, I'll have a year by then over a year I would go with you because what I've been doing the last few years because I'm kind of bored there now to be honest Yeah, it's been 20 times in a row. Yeah, is I bring somebody for their first time and I kind of draft on their experience Yeah, they're like whoa. Yeah, why don't you both come? Yeah, we'll go. Yeah, that would be fun I would is it boring if you're not gonna get high. I've been 20 times. I've never been high

Yeah, I know but so why no I go I only really like crystals the only reason I has a very armpits is because it's a little it there It's a there's a lot of drinking and a lot of drugs a lot a lot Oh, right. How many people are there like 20 20? Yeah, how many 20 people how many people go there? You think you've heard of Burning Man, and it's a party with 20 people at it. I don't know what it is I've never been there. I've seen a couple of buses. Have you it's an entire how many how many people you think go to Coachella Hundreds of thousands. Yeah, well, it's like it's like 80,000 people really Burning Man. Yeah. Wow. I want to go Is there food trucks?

Is there food trucks? No, there's no food trucks. How do you eat you got to bring food? It's its own little city you bar barter trading really people say that I don't know why people say that it's just I've never been So you're not alone people say that all the time. No, no no money. No nothing you bring everything you need to survive You're not coming Bobby, but I would love it if you did You it's so fucking bullshit that you just said that because you don't think that I will go I'm gonna fucking go man. I will I will go with you if you go if you get your shit You don't think I want to go because he said this to Harlan a year and a half ago, of course Yeah, but I don't like that piece of shit. No, I'm not a likable guy. I love Harlan

It takes preparation, which you're not very good with I'm just I'll if you guys go I would love to go with you I think that'd be super fun, but I just don't see it. I just just don't see it. Tell him he has to actually Um Camp yeah, you have to rent an RV or buy a tent you have to bring all your food You have to find a way to refrigerate your face. I'll go buy the jackets. That's all you need is one jacket Yeah, just pop in no gonna get tenting equipment at Norton. I already I buy a tent. Why don't you get an RV? You've got plenty of money. Well, what do you do? I own an RV a fuck you How you

On your RV One bed three three seats. How many beds though two beds, but you can't sleep in mine. All right I'll get my own can we hit one you can we hitch RV so you can drive I'll just be in the one in the second. Honestly, you could buy a rent a trailer and I could trail it up for you I've got a big beefy thing I don't have like a dorky RV that an old dad is in I got like a big old cool off-roading kind of weird It's called an overland like off-grid solar Oh, I want to honestly I want to go one time in my life. You should I think everybody should yeah, okay

Here's how you do it. Okay, you have plenty of money. I'm looking around. I'm looking around your house Just for listeners at home. There are diamonds falling from the ceiling. There are stacks of cash. It's no no You you rent an RV for the weekend buy some tickets buy a bunch of food It's like listen. It's not how at the at the life state you're in that's how you should do it and then where do you park? I first went when I first went I was 16 years old I took my mom's car a tent I had a sterno stove and I showered by putting one of those one and a half gallon Water jugs above my head and I was like covered in dirt for the week

Wow, and like I was filthy and disgusting, but then over the years I've like I've got an airstream and then I bought an RV and things have changed But for you guys you guys are successful young entertainment industry hot shots. All right. Fuck it. We're going I'm in. All right. Wait before we are you about to say goodbye? Yeah, I just want to say one more thing Yeah, about kid you guys having a kid. I don't know. I don't I don't know I can't I can't tell but what one lesson I've learned is that the like you cannot control what happens to your kid You just have no control over it The the the only thing you can do is like love them into health and feed them into health and that's it like you just try

Your best and you guys are so loving the two of you that I don't have any doubt that you guys would be wonderful Loving parents and that none of the demons of your past would come to haunt you. I'm not saying it will be you're gonna have a Perfect kid because that's impossible. I got a mental illness in my family and stuff too sometimes DNA takes over But in terms of the job of the parent, it's like you guys are just so you're the mother you're loving. We'll figure it out, babe Yeah, let's make it out. I'm more willing to I've never really considered it deeply before But since he's gotten sober and since he's starting to connect the dots about his own trauma and really trying to Dive into why he is how he is. I've been more inclined to You know consider it if you go to Burning Man this year and you have a kid

Natasha and I will sign a legal contract that if things fall apart from the two of you. We will legally adopt your child You know what out of any two people that I would give my child any two comedians To be honest Okay, fine give it out fuck it I want to get it out from Oakland my fucker I give motion a round of applause. You're great, man. I love you. Thank you guys. Hey guys Thanks for listening to us and joining us tonight today this afternoon this morning Whatever day or time you're listening to and guys make sure you check out the slept king live cuz tickets are going fast and

February he'll be in Schomburg and San Jose and then in March will be in Denver in Houston So guys right now. I'll go to biblielive.com and grab your tickets before they're gone and to get your question on tiger Bell you can email us at advice on healthful gmail.com Go ahead George. We're looking for interesting unusual non-typical problems and we need your help as much as you on ours That's advice on helpful at gmail.com and if you listen to last week's episode with dice and our housekeeping We discover that George's cat. That's next week's ice episode Hey guys a quick andrew dice clay coming up next week the legend And what else will we find out in that episode?

You'll get to find out in the housekeeping with George's cat's name is and by cat's name is if George was a cat in the movie Cats you'd find out his name Anyways, that's so random. I guess we're just foreshadowing now because all these episodes are in order obviously We love you so much follow everything George at George and score Kimmel everything Bobby Lee at Bobby live everything Lila a calamity K and everything Gilbert at Gilbets. Thank you so much I love you Paul. So Tiger belly Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Barely Ad-Free on Amazon Music.

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