TigerBelly - Ep 231: Andrew Dice Clay & the One Leg Up

Episode Date: February 5, 2020

Bobo thinks hardwood floors are the jam. Dice saves the garden. Khaly doesn't get a look. We talk Larry Winnecour's mother, the straws killing Moby Dick, and 'Bone Zone & the Purple Bacon'. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly add free on Amazon music download the app today Alapathana Come see me live. I will be in Schomburg, Illinois February 13th through the 16th at the Chicago Improv Some was a in California February 28th March 1st at the San Jose Improv Denver Co. Coco Colorado March 12th of the 14th at the comedy works Houston, Texas March 27 29th Houston, Improv Come to the Bobby Lee calm

Probably live calm and grab them before they're gone. Enjoy the show I'm ready when you want. Okay, go ahead five four three two. Hey, Chongo Hey, Chongo What you doing around town with your flat face and your pot marks This fucking guy had zits all over his face growing up this Chongo. He used to pick them now He has pot marks on his face. Anyway, welcome to another episode of Tiger Belly and Let me introduce it. Just you know the crew you all you know, you know

Island Asian. Hello. Hello. We got my beautiful girlfriend Kaleila princess. He's from islands white We got Chongo over here, you know and you guys I'm gonna introduce you in a second, but let me just build up to it Let me just build up to it, man, you know, um, I have a couple of things to say about this guest You know growing up I was a gigantic fan of this next guest So, you know, we've had great people on this podcast. We've had Academy Award winners. We've had Sexy comedians whatnot, but I I've been looking forward to this one because I just love them so much I when I was a young comic at the comedy store, you know, a lot of these famous people, you know

When you first start in the especially in the 90s when I started They're very distant and they don't help you much, but this dude You know, he used to be very inclusive You would invite me he invited me to his son's bar mitzvah He used to do these Videos they used to include me in with Ari Shafir back in Steve Renanzizi back when we were young and He's the first comic to ever sell out Madison Square Garden He's the first rock star comic to ever exist

And he is a great actor. He was killed it on blue jasmine he killed it in a star is born and And um, that's a round of applause for Andrew Dice Clay everybody No, you know That was pretty good Yeah, I'd have to try it again Missing credits. No, no, no, it's not about credits Who who's the comic

That had you open when you didn't even have time you did you forgot the most I know because there's so many things. No, but but you don't know this. You're some new girlfriend of his What's your name again, I know they gave you a nickname or something. I it's Kalilah Kalilah. Yeah, so anyway, I Had him opening for me. Yeah in Vegas. Yeah Remember I did it was the greatest show it was me Jim Norton and Joey Diaz opening for fucking You've told you've told the Vegas story many times on this pod. I love that You know because I would see like the potential in these guys and I used to like to help You know, so I would just drag him along with me

and we We would have a blast. Yeah, a little joey and you know, yeah It's a little was with me for three years Jim Norton till I got him Well, I didn't get him with it just wound up when we did opiate Anthony and They clicked in and they started calling him and that that's what you know, I was able to get rid of him you know because from day one Norton was just unreal like

Bobby, you know was just working on his act, but I didn't care, you know cuz to look at him was kind of you know funny You know it's when you guys just got here You know like after the Pearl Harbor So I was looking to help out People yeah, yeah, yeah, so he had an act, but it wasn't what it is today, obviously Norton already had a Strong act he was a killer killer and he was with me for like three years And then when we got to opiate Anthony and they took a liking to him and they then

He he had he has a big career now from all that so that's always fun for me like even when I do Joey Diaz show like he's one of the guys You know Eddie Griffin blew up you blew up, you know, so I like when I get to talk about People that I saw this potential in and I would just take them with me I didn't I didn't care how big the places were You know, oh Friggin dumb Barris You know, I'm sure I get texted for this like I'm insulting him in some way

But I'm really not but I took him and and I was doing You know like a small room was 10,000 seats, you know, that was small at that time Wow, you know, that was I ah shit night, you know No, because I did the arena thing. I know he brought up the garden, but I did over 12 million people in concert I did over 300 arenas, you know, and Everybody I always say it's frustrating because they bring up the garden like it's a big deal And it is because it's the most famous arena in the world, but it was the 20th one. I did You know, I did I went around the country already doing arenas and I was saving the garden, you know, you know

No, that's what it was. Yeah, yeah, and it wound up the 20th and 21st show. I wound up doing two nights there And you know, this is all like he's bringing it up because it's You know, which is so funny to me today when somebody gets a few followers Look at me 34,000 Yeah, yeah, and I'm going there fucking mutants, you know, who are these people you get You know, like when you get like somebody that hates you as a comment. Yeah, okay Now that was a time when I when I took over

When you know, I went to like the last awful breakup, right? Years ago already So I had to take this shit over, you know, yeah, I was never involved with this nonsense. What so You know people would all of a sudden just insult me, you know, yeah, and I'm like, I'm not that guy to do that too Right, you know, so I would go to their page and I would take a look You know what they are. Yeah, you know with their 22 followers Yeah, you know, and I'd be like, are you kidding? Do you really think this is gonna sit right with me? Yeah, like I'm like die like Rogan calls it dice mean when I'm on stage and now there's no act now I just have hatred

Yeah, yeah, like right now like if I was on stage and somebody got me mad and I just don't like that person Yeah, they're not told to take it. They're thrown out. Yeah, that makes me happy Yeah, you know, I'm not looking for new fans. Do you comment back? Do you comment back or no? No, wait, I'll tell you what happened. Oh, thanks. So if it's live, I You know like I'll tell club soda Kenny, you know, I love him great guy, you know And we've been back together for a while. So he enjoys my anger too And I go Kenny. There's no warning. Yeah, you know and the hold of the person is the more enjoyable It is for me to throw them out

So I could make fun of them as they're getting thrown out Yeah, and say now make sure you you know like you tell your family your children that You couldn't hold your liquor that you got thrown out of a comedy show You were tossed out on the street. No money back. You're nothing in this world. I hope You fucking die take care of yourself. Yeah, and they get thrown out. Yeah, okay So when it happened when I took over the Instagram because I don't believe in Twitter Yeah, you know, cuz there's no like real pictures You know, yeah, I like the creativeness of Instagram. So I'm not into Twitter. Yeah, you know, I'm not into the

Yeah, the other one a Facebook. Yeah, because everybody believes they're smart You know, I mean, yeah, you know, nobody fucking human beings on earth Anonymous people in the world, you know with their political, you know, they're fighting with each other and I'm going Who cares if you vanished right now? Oh, like if you like blew up physically like Yeah, like nobody would care. I'll give a fuck. Yeah, you know, and it's funny because I was taught about that when I was a kid because

You know, I'm not that uh Bookworthy. Yeah book smart What? Like I don't I do audiobooks. That's all I do. No, what I'm saying. Yeah, so you get it like in school Like I knew I had to show up just so there wouldn't be a problem. You know what I mean? Yeah, you know, and that was nothing to do back then. Yeah, there was no sex, you know, so go to school You know, yeah, but um

But I'm from Brooklyn. So I you know, I have common sense. I have streets and yeah, so With with all of that When I went I was taught at a very young age never took politics My mother would tell me Don't talk politics on a boy. Yeah, it's a no-win situation. Sonny boy. I Don't know maybe once or twice That's what you're getting from the whole I'm just curious to see what your mom would call you and if she's

Time that's fine. She called me sonny boy She called me sometimes Like my father would go. He's like a real schmuck sometimes. Yeah, you know, which is when I knew I could do the comedy thing All right, you know, yeah, you do schmucky things. Yeah, yeah, like I'd always like There was this fake phone that hung in the in the kitchen Yeah, and every day, I don't know why I'd walk into it I didn't put it there. They did Yeah, you made the phone crooked again, what do you want from me?

Yeah, yeah, you know because I you know a lot of times I wouldn't go to school, right? You know and my mother slept like a comic like till noon You know, was he alcoholic? No, she just didn't work. Oh, I see she lived like a real woman. Yeah Wasn't trying to prove anything You know what I mean? Yeah, she used to love when my father would get out of bed at 6 30 in the morning to get ready and Go do his job, and I'm Friday bring money. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah She was a woman. She was at the mall Yes, she was with her sister and her mother at the local diner having coffee

To five in the afternoon. Yeah, she wasn't going. Oh, I want to I don't want a man to hold the door for me Yeah, you know, yes, you know, oh, he put his hand on my shoulder when he took a picture Yeah, cuz men love my mother. My mother looked like Elizabeth Taylor. She had she had a real star look Yeah, yeah, and so I you know as a little kid. I would see what would go on. Yeah, you were also a handsome kid No, we know about my gorgeous looks. I'm not No, but you're very good look if you come from a beautiful woman and a good-looking guy, you know give him birth to an alien Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know yeah, yeah, what do you think where? What do you think's gonna come out between the both of us an alien? Oh

You plan that we're planning it. Yeah, we've been six years together seven seven years. Oh, really? Yes, Andrew I know I know yeah, he doesn't come but yet. Yeah, but you think that if we had a child that well, I think if All right, you got to do one leg up. Okay. Oh Oh To get a pregnant. Yes one leg up. What do you mean one leg up? You give her a command like you're in the bed All right, you could start missionary as a warm-up. Yeah, okay You know that that's what I do You did not even look give me the end of the story. Yeah, then I could tell you what to do. Okay

So what do you mean the end of our story? No, no, I was telling you story about what I learned finish the story as a kid because your audience is gonna go he didn't finish saying what he was saying Right, but we could always go back to what right, but I'm gonna forget it Yeah, oh my bad my bad go ahead. No, it's not a bed. It's No a bed would be if you were backing up and hit my car that would be bad that would be bad And there'd be consequences. I would pay like I'm not calling a cop. Oh You know what I mean, right? Because of the asshole drivers

Yeah, I don't want to use a blinker and make u-turns wherever they feel the urge Yeah, but you're doing it now by diverting from the story. All right. All right. I do the car thing So what I was taught just to get through that part. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this went on file Facebook So so I was taught never took religion, you know, whether she called me sunny boy or Andrew I don't remember the exact moment. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I like the detail She probably was saying something like why didn't you go to school today? I go It's snowing out Wow, I'm gonna shovel walkways and make myself a few dollars

Let everybody else be at the school these assholes. Yeah, I'm getting five dollars a driveway. You understand Yeah, I understand you. Yeah, you know And she smoked one 20s, you know, so, you know, we just have coffee Me her and my friend Larry win a core who you don't know Okay. Yeah, it's the only one I've really stayed friends with since my whole life is Larry is Larry win the winter core Win the core win a core. Oh win the core win a co win a co That's what I mean. You never really learned

Win a core what yeah, whatever busy still alive. Yeah. Yeah That's all I wanted to do. All right, so Larry would always be at my apartment Yeah, because his mother was a nurse you understand. Uh-huh. So she had to get up early to go to work Was she Filipino? No, she just was a nurse. Okay. Okay There's a lot of Filipino nurses, that's all I know that's popular today. Yeah back then they wouldn't let him in that easy Okay, so Larry's mother So Larry's mother would say yeah, all right, you ready to go to school. Yeah, all right So he would leave the house like he's gonna do the whole school thing. Yeah, he would just come to my place first

He'd stop at the Germans deli Right. Yeah, because on one corner. We had the Italian deli and around the corner for me We had the German right what is difference the difference is the German deli Had the chocolate pudding and the little tins and The rare roast beef So here comes Larry With the with the pudding With the roast beef in the refrigerator

And then he would just lay down in my bed with his feet at my head And we go back to sleep And then at about noon my mother opens the door and she goes Well, why don't you guys go to school? Yeah. Oh, no look with the snow. Yeah. Yeah, and she goes it's a flurry. I Go, yeah, but I don't want to get the flu. You know how you always talk about getting the flu my Yeah, you get hit in the back of the head with the wind. It's all over and I'm home for three weeks So you're better off having me here now All right, so we light up some cigarettes you put on

You would smoke how old were you when you smoked? Oh, it's like 16, you know And your mom would you wish you would let you smoke in the house. She'd like my cigarette You know how I used to do with the zippo lighter. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think I got that from? Just could I just divert a story that you and I had once where we went to the airport and you smoked inside the airport? Yeah, always You know, but it was against the law No, but this is what would get me mad with that bullshit All right, this will get me mad. Yeah, even to this day

Hey, they come on the loudspeaker. No, I don't smoke anymore. I just hold them. I know, okay And they start in You know with the uh, this is a non smoking area. Yeah, and I'm going you stupid fucks Hasn't it been a non smoke? Can somebody just shut the tape? There's been no smoking supposedly for 35 years. Yeah in In this shit lax where people are getting killed now when they come out from a flight Because now there's no cars allowed to pull over

Have you been to the worst fucking airport in the history of human beings? Yeah, people are running across the street to the parking structure and cars are stopping short And people are throwing their fucking bags and I don't know how to get home anymore I know it's the worst fucking setup. I fucking hate them But now it's also like you can't get a cab there anymore. You have to take a shuttle to some other area Which is never gonna happen in my world What do you mean? It's just never gonna happen. You won't take a shuttle. No Number one. Yeah. Yeah, there are no shuttles. They caught on fire recently. So they had to switch them back to buses

Yeah, it's either avis or Hertz. I don't want to rent the car I want to get out of here. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I was standing there last time I was there A you all pulled up in the middle of the gutter there, you know, and they open up and people started throwing their bags It's the worst setup they really need to do something because somebody gets killed there They'll own that airport. Yeah, you know, it's just not It's not chaos chaos All right, so what my mother was telling me Never talk politics

Because it's a no-win situation. Right what you think so on facebook you got millions of people Talking part fighting with each other unknown people that nobody gives a fuck about and even if they were known Nobody gives a fuck about them either. Yeah, that's why you go to a party You see people with the veins popping out. No, but you don't know what I'm said and you don't know what this one said You know, and I'm looking for the blonde with big tits that I could drag into a fucking broom closet And bang well our husband's in this heated debate about what he thinks the chiropractor the brilliant fucking chiropractor What he thinks about what needs to be done who gives a fuck. You don't even know how to crack a back properly You're the worst kind of doctor. You're a doctor. That's a non fucking doctor in my opinion

Yeah, you're a guy that they said in school. You know, uh, he's never gonna be a heart surgeon I'm gonna forgive me. He's like more of a glorified masseuse. You know what I mean? Yeah, you know, he rubs you down a little with some oil. He talks nice into your ear and then he tries to pop your spine a little Yeah, and he makes himself a nice living and this is the guy that wants to talk about The rulers of the world what he thinks should happen. Right. Right. Fuck. Yeah. Well, I'm fucking big tits in the closet You know, because that's the only reason I would go to a party is to meet chicks Yeah, I don't care if there's a guy on the block forget about it. You prefer big tits over tiny little I like the kiwi little tiny kiwi fruit kiwi fruit tits

Whatever you like, you know, what do I give a fuck? No, what I'm asking you It's no offence, sir. Well, I'm saying it's what kind of hits do you like I'm just saying to grab a chick into the closet They should have a bigger tit so you can Oh, right, right, right, right. You know, I'll always take a fat ass of any kind of tits You know, I mean, that's just my personal preference Because I'm there all the time right And I'm gonna just see something side note. I know I'm not interrupting you. I'm just trying to get one thing

I know but I just have a question. I just have a comment to make is your new girlfriend is so beautiful Well What's it your business? No, I don't like anybody looking at her No, I'm not no, but you post it on instagram, right? Because I follow you Okay, right and I look at her because you fuck you fucking did it You posted it. Okay, and I made an observation Of going she's very attractive that she's look, you know, that's all

Well, what should I go with somebody ugly? No, that's not what I'm saying. Let's say I was going with the ugly Anna. What would I post, huh? Sir, sir, sir, sir, like why would I even put her up there? Ugly Anna, no, you would never date ugly Anna because you're a dice What I'm just saying is is that when I look at her on instagram and I just listen finish. Let me finish All right, let me finish All right, all I'm saying is is that when I observe her I go she's very attractive and she seems lovely. That's all Congratulate. Are you are you in love? Did I say anything about her?

She's very attractive and if it's not I but I know what you think you're getting away with Bobby I know what you think you're getting away with All right, finish the story. All right. Let's say for instance. Okay. All right. So she said don't talk politics All right, so that's why I don't file a facebook. Yeah, and plus they want to put every relative with a tube up their ass Oh, my uncle He's 104 years old He just passed away. Yeah, who gives a fuck

Yeah, I got my own problem I We think I got nobody sick hanging around. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, this is what they do on facebook So that's what I told you forget twitter because only instagram Facebook is idiots that have failed in life You know what I mean? They have just failed they failed in life and they're angry about failing Yes, so they're never gonna write anything nice to you, you know, uh, and it's all about, you know, the politics and religion

Religion never talk religion ever talk religion. No gotta be an asshole to talk religion. Yeah, and uh, This is what I was taught as a kid and yeah, you know, can we talk never talk power ticks religion? And never and never make fun of frank sanatra Why that was a big thing back then why? Who's uh, you dumbest I I get it you're from Hawaii I Know frank's the rat pack. I know. Yeah, and I got to meet and hang with frank. Oh, you did. Yeah. Oh, wow Did you meet that? I'm nice. I know. I know that's why I'm nervous that you're on the spot. No, I'm happy to be

Yeah, yeah friends. We are friends. I love you. So, you know, what's great about you too Is is that if you whenever you see me? I remember one time I saw you on large mod over there And we you're yeah, and you and I had like a 30 minute conversation. You just pulled me aside. I just You're just so inclusive and what you're a super nice guy I wanted to ask you though about because Kalyla and I love the movie a star is born What was that? I mean

You were amazing in that foot was How amazing you were so real. It was great caring as a father What was it like working with lady gaga? Was she nice? I was a dad in the movie. I know but was she nice Was she nice? Was it nice working with her? Tell me about it. Is my daughter or is gaga? As gaga Stephanie is her name. My bad. I don't know her. No, but that's what I'm saying. So I got used to calling her by her Oh, Stephanie. No, she's a For being one of the biggest stars in the world. She's as grounded as you could get as a human being

Do you get do you get nervous when you do like a movie like that? Like because you I remember blue with jasmine's woody allen. Do you get nervous because I you know I've done a not great movies, but I've been in some movies and I get kind of nervous. Do you get nervous? No At all It's actually a boring process to me um Like I can't wait to get out of there

Like that was one day I went over to bradley because I was shooting this whole kitchen scene and You know and I was like, can we get out of here already? You know and he's like Dice was shooting, you know expensive movie would do and I'm going no, but we got it like you know Like how much you want to film like I like it was his first directing thing. Yeah. Yeah, so I guess he was He was as cool as a cucumber doing it, but he wanted to do it. I'm going but what are you gonna film now the toaster? Uh, you know what I mean?

Let's get out of here We'll do more tomorrow. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. Yeah, you know, so yeah, I get bored waiting around Right And then when you do it and you think it's like done they go, all right, you know what I want to do this kind of set up And I for what? Yeah, you got nobody in the theater is gonna go on they didn't get the ceiling from you know up there You know I'm gonna use it anyway. Right. Right the oven. Yeah, because I don't eat that shit food. They serve on sets

Oh, you because I have to eat it. What do you do? You know, uh, I would send somebody to Donald's or something You think that McDonald's is better than the food that they have the craft service Yeah, yeah, okay because they try to get like, um fancy about it, right They can't just have like like I'm a steak a chicken guy. Yeah, but even if they have chicken They got to dip it in some kind of garbage. Yeah Show that they're not just some fucking meat truck Yeah, look at our some sort of glaze some honey glaze over the steak is and I'm like

Who wants steak for in the afternoon? Yeah, no one. Exactly. Right. I never thought of it that way. Yeah. Yeah, and So like when I did my show dice You know, I like Made demands Right like from the caterer. Yeah, you know I said, I better not see anything fancy Or there'll be another catering. Yeah

You know, my friend Scott Armstrong worked with you on that. Yeah. Yeah, and then gatewood and tenaka if you remember that Gatewood and tenaka are phenomenal. I love those guys. Yeah, Scott. I'd never do another thing with these stings Yeah, I just that's my opinion. Yeah. All right. You hear every he doesn't stink as a writer. Yeah. Yeah, but you know as a director Yeah, all right. Okay. Good, you know and um Like anything that I put in there that was really create, you know, like when I used to do the filming Yeah, you know, but because I'm not a profession. I would do shit like when I'd work with another director on the show Here comes Scott and I go, are you directing? Or is

This director. Yeah, like I forget this guy's name. He was from Philadelphia. He was a fucking amazing So that used to be a thing I would do when I would shoot my my show That never came on the air that you were part of. Yeah. Okay I used to do a thing where I I called doors Okay Where I'd be filming I might have even done it with you. I don't I'd have to go through the tapes 2000 tapes and um

It's just funny, you know, it's all about comedy to me. It's not about will this work. Yes, it'll work. I'm berserk It'll work. Yeah. Okay. So I'm shooting this thing with a director where I'm gonna go remember how I used to dump garbage with my sons. Yeah a little yeah any boys. Yeah. Yeah We still do it. Wow And that 25 and 20 Dump garbage. There is nothing more enjoyable than taking Just loads of garbage and boxes and illegally dumping it and just making it somebody else's fucking Until the city decides dice needs more than

One can of garbage. Yeah for regular garbage. Yeah one recycling bin and one bin for leaves Get a buy a degradable. Yeah till they go. All right. Give them like 10 for like the recycling with the boxes and everything We're gonna illegally dump And I have filmed it Yeah, what do you do with when you're at a restaurant and they don't have straws anymore. Do you get angry? Oh, no I got straws Oh, you bring your own. No, let me tell you something the minute they started that shit. Yeah with the you know The bullshit plastic straw killing a mobi fucking dick, you know

Yeah, it's not the oil tank is the pipes bursting under the ocean. None of that not the all the shit They're dumping to the it's my straw My plastic straw not the cops For some reason the fish love the cops and the lids. Yeah. Yeah. They love all that. Yeah the straw is choking them out Fucking asshole piece. So I started stealing because I'm a thief No, I'm a you don't know me well, but I'm a criminal in a lot of ways and um So so I started stealing all the straws out of starbucks Uh, uh, uh, you know, it's not really stealing because you bought you bought a beverage probably so yeah, but I take this many

And I keep uh Um, a giant bag and uh backpack whatever in the back of the trunk. Yeah with just There's gotta be at least two three thousand Real deal Yeah, I'm never running out of a place. Yeah, I got bring on your your cardboard bullshit Yeah, the asshole that invented starbucks that made him a multi-billionaire went Oh, no, but we got to take the straws away now the way I made my money Yeah, yeah, you know and put cardboard in there

Right like it's gonna last. Yeah, you don't think it's gonna last no like the cardboard. Oh, it's not good. Oh, yeah Paper in something wet It falls apart. I know it. I know it does. You know what I mean? It takes time, but like an hour. Yeah, yeah No, it doesn't take an hour. Why don't you just drink it really fast? Because I look at my coffee. I've had that for an hour and a half Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Does it look done? No, no, no. Is there a plastic store? No, no. Yes. Yes, there is. Yeah Yes, I got it from Starbucks. Yeah trunk, yeah

but um But you have you a dice Tom and sense. I know but I want to give you a call. Can I give you a compliment? Sure. All right, so Throughout your career though, you've had a resilient career And don't get me wrong. He's a nice guy. Who Scott? Scott Armstrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Stick to what we know Right, right. Because I've worked with Scott. Oh, so I wanted to tell you the thing with the doors Yeah, the door. Yeah, go back to the doors. Yeah, because people are waiting to hear what happened

All right, so I used to do this thing Where all right, so we're doing a scene with with my real sons in the show where We're gonna go dump garbage It's the one thing they like used from me because god forbid They go through my tapes like this one producer. I don't want to say his name But he actually produced roseanne And uh, the original roseanne right and he goes, I don't know what's wrong with the guys you're working with You know, Alan Stevens. Oh, he gave me my first acting job. Okay. Yeah, so he goes

If I was producing dice the tv show He goes The first thing I would say is why don't you just bore me the tears With the tapes you you keep talking about with the episodic tapes That you just bore me for three days. Show me your tapes. Yeah Yeah, you know, because if you watch those tapes you got episode after episode after episode Of a berserk comics life. Yeah, you know, I know I'm nuts. I'm not nuts like but those nuts You could still use because awry should fear now is very sick. I know that and you signed it

You signed the fool. So yeah, I'm on it You know, I mean, uh, awry steve and a zizzy. Uh, sebastian Sebastian, um Everybody everyone's in it. Yeah. Yeah, but we were young But thinking of fight with you and we'll get into that in a minute with the but that's what I'm saying I want the violence in the show. They won't even give me the violence. I want it. You know on dice You know, it's Scott It's fucking yo-yo

You know, and I know he did old school good for him. Yeah Yeah, you know, I I created rock and roll comedy. You understand? Yeah. Yeah. I did the rose ball And he's gonna tell me what I need to do on film. Yeah, there's a reason people showed up. That's why I was talking about the internet You forgot that part When I said no twitter no facebook because of these reasons because people are assholes They're older. They never went anywhere and they're just fucking bitter and then so I stuck with instagram Because at least with instagram it's creative. Right. You know what I mean? People get creative. Yeah, you know Except most of the women with their sayings

Don't let him define you Shut the fuck up, dear rabbi You know what I mean? Don't let him defy Trust the fucking process. What process? You open my legs You know Then I grew my balls to your fat ass That's the whole process

You know, I want to talk about my nice. I'm not your enemy. I'm with you my my new nice sweet girlfriend What do you think we was doing all night? Why do you think I had to come here later? I know I don't care about those details No, about what? I just shut the fuck up. I just gave you a fucking compliment How beautiful she is and I don't care about if you smashed her or grabbed her little too Why are you talking about her like that? You know your girlfriend to to she I know I know she is I call her sugar plumb

See what I mean. Oh, but see when a guy What says something like Let's say a girl gets out of a car, you know, it's dressed a certain way. Oh, I like those pants you wear And I've had this fight by the way. Yeah And and I'll say to the guy like what what does that mean? What is it? What do you think it means? I like the pants. No, no, but I know because I'm from Brooklyn What that means? What does that mean? You don't know because of where you're from say no

But I'm just saying we mean if a guy complimented on you on your pants No on a girl that all on a girl's pants. Yeah. Oh, I like those pants. Yeah, why? What is it your business? Why does she need to know how you like her pants? That's the guy's way of getting away with saying I'd like to fuck you Are you okay? Yeah, I mean I'd have friends for years beautiful girlfriend. You got a beautiful girlfriend I'm not going to comment on anything about her It's not my business Right to compliment. So, you know, you're right. You're right. You know, I have a lot of girlfriends who like it

but when when when apart when they're not Being complimented on their looks but an object that they're wearing and I always tell them that's actually bullshit He's telling you he's coming on to you. He's just Being subtle about and being round about about it. And he's coming on right in front of the guy. Yeah I know exactly. You're absolutely right. But I don't stand for that. See oh, you stop it. Yeah, you stop it Yeah, no, he'll go they make like I don't know what you thought. No, you know exactly what I'm doing Like I would say to this guy. I go did I ever come Compliment your your wife. Yeah on anything she's wearing or an outfit or

no Because then it's me getting away with saying hey, I want mine getting a piece of this Oh Yeah, see I don't buy that shit if I saw you with your girlfriend. Yeah, don't even look at her I don't like anybody really looking at her for long Like you see how if I meet her I do a glance like that. If you notice if you watch the tapes back He's a look at her watch the tapes back. Yeah, I'm basically like I'll give her a glance

Yeah, I've noticed that but I'm basically focused on you. Right. What if I sat here like this? Bobby You know what I think? Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean weird No, it's class. You know, I know the diff. You know the difference of Brooklyn. It's from Brooklyn. That's right There's no respect America with guys. Yeah, no respect. There's no respect. You better. You better walk with an ethnic group Yeah, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, the white male is an asshole Exactly, I'm just telling yeah, would I come across all the time? Yeah, you know when I meet fans that aren't white guys Yeah, the most respectful

Nicest, you know, they're not in your face with a fucking camera You know grabbing you're going. Oh, this came out blurry. Oh, I fucking hate you Yeah, yeah, you know, I mean, yeah, they're just disrespectful. That's that's what it's come down to It's so funny because when we used to at the store Before cell phones and digital camera. Oh, yeah, yeah, so this is great. You're gonna love this So we would people would have disposable cameras, right the things that you would just go to Kodak and get them Yeah, all right. And so whenever um, they would ask dice for photo He would have one of us take the photo, but we knew the rule

They knew the routine. We knew the routine. You always cut dice's head out of the All right, so you have to you had to angle it down sometimes I go, all right, Bobby take the yeah, so that um, you know, you're me. Yeah. Yeah. So instead of like this, you know, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, and somebody would go Are you are you getting the picture? Yeah, of course Like why wouldn't you be getting the picture? Or else it would be like, you know, like yeah, yeah getting my shoulder. Yeah, you know, but I'm never it I would love to see so many of those pictures

It was that would and I always laughed when I thought of them. How many beautiful moons and stars I know, but imagine, you know, going back to Michigan Right, and you're going to the Kodak store and you get the pictures back and none of them I loved when the new generation of comics came in which was Bobby and Renes easy and did Ari ever go anywhere? Yeah, he's big now other than the ghosts No, no, no, he's killing it. All right. Yeah. Yeah, I saw him in new york. He shaved his head or something Hey, to me, it was like taxi drunk He's a snapperhead. Yeah, you know, um, like I said, you know, Bobby, Sebastian, all these guys were the new guys

And there was so much more fun Than the guys I came up with Because number one, I always stood away from the pack It's just the way it went because when my career took off like what comics go through today With the politically correct stuff I I piss on them now because when my career took off, I had the world it was like picture if you're the only one ever Being attacked for political correctness Right, that's where I became the biggest comic in the world hands down and everybody knows that to this day

Like I love when I talk to the guys that are honest about the shit Like like, you know who talks about it the best Joe Rogan Like he goes, yeah, there are guys today doing like if he has a comic like Ari, you know That jealous prick But if you remember In in the and I love Ari. I'm friend. I love him. He's a jealous He's a jealous. Fuck. He's not a good-looking guy. You know, ugly. What are the worst that big fucking hooked nose? Yeah, you know, yeah, and uh, nice guy. I'm friends with him

But even when I filmed what we called the show, yeah, you know with my camera He was the antagonist. That was his part So whoever was my friend in the show Ari would come over to them. This is on film. He goes, what are you talking to dice for? Like he's done like he you want to talk to me. I'm the big star now. Yeah, you know, so he was the antagonist Like steve rin is easy. Not steve rin is easy um wait

Simone steve Simone Simone he played the part I called misery You know how he's always miserable about stuff and angry. Yeah, you know, yeah, he's lightened up over the years No, but no, I'm friends with him. I know. Yeah, but what I'm saying is His part on on film was always upset and angry You see him come through the double doors in a comedy, you know of the kitchen going fuck this fucking shit Just angry. Yeah, yeah, you know, um Uh, Mike Moreno, yeah, you know who that is. I know who Mike Moreno is. Yes. Yeah, okay So not because he never became like a big star, you know, why not? Why do you think that happened?

Let me can I ask you that? Why do you think some people just don't make it? They don't have the x-factor uh Yeah, the that's that star thing. Wow, you know, are you and he doesn't I know But are you born with that or can you learn now? You're born with that, right? You either got that or you don't Wow, and um That's why they do a show now called the x-factor. You either have that or you don't right, you know You know, there are people that stand on stage could just not be funny, but they become superstars because they have a star

They were star. Right. You know, that's what mitzi used to look for, you know, and um But anyway, Mike Moreno Is it marino or marino? Because I got two different friends. One's marino. I used to call him Mike Moreno. All right. Well, whatever it is Yeah, you know, yeah, we his part was called he was the russian Even though he was italian, why did you pause like that? I don't know. I don't really yeah, but that really was really I don't do that again That was crazy. He wasn't looking at me. I was looking at you

You were the one that's talking. I was crazy that you did that I don't I don't do it. Okay. All right. So anyway His part was the russian. Yes, because he's he's italian, but he's a blonde italian. Yeah, you know, I'm very light-skinned Yeah, okay Like I don't even think people believe he's italian because of that. So his part was the russian, right, you know um Sebastian was always puzzled Yeah in the in the tapes. Yeah, like he would watch me like from a distance and go

What what's going on? With dice. Yeah, you know, and why is he walking and arie would be like He's got the camera. He's just looking for something to do you understand Yeah, like one time my son dylan just buried arie on film. Wow and dylan was seven Yeah, okay. Yeah, if you saw this clip, yeah, you'd be amazed because arie's playing foosball with dylan Yeah, you know, so arie's at that time. What 30? You know dylan seven. Yeah, and for whatever reason arie's going, you know, I don't really think your dad's funny You know and dylan just looks at him, you know

And dylan goes what'd you say, you know, and he goes I I I don't think your dad is funny Yeah, like he's needling the and dylan goes Uh, did you ever do the rosemont in Chicago? Yeah, you know And then he goes did you ever do three nights at the mecca and the walkie? Which is actually where bill burst saw me and decided i'm gonna do that Wow, yeah, like I love hearing these guys story. Yeah, I become friends with them, you know Can I just say something about dylan and max real quick? No, but wait, let me just say this

But can I end of this scene is arie to a seven-year-old? Yeah, yeah, it's going Like he's broken and he goes, well, you know, I work It's the greatest thing he's trying to bury this kid's father In the seven-year-old those the credits, right, you know Are you gonna can we see it or no? How do we see these tapes? Well, there is gonna be a documentary You know and uh, I'm working on all that now, please good because I think that's gotta come out in some form It's the funniest shit. I can't wait what I was telling you with fucking Armstrong. Yeah, right?

Is so we're shooting the scene where we're gonna go dump garbage Which we wanted a few things they took from my life Right that they're gonna use in one of the episodes other than what they made up Instead of just like my son say if you did a show with axl rose wouldn't you let him be axl? Yeah, you know, why don't you just listen to my father's stories and let him be dice Yeah, okay, but don't you have the power to go up? Let's do this No, when you're working with a network, you know how yeah, because then you become the problem right? All right, so we're shooting this scene with another director

Where all right, so we get in the truck doors closed Cut reset Open the two back doors slam those Open the moon roof slam that yeah Oh, no, I had him shoot through the moon roof to get angles of the doors So in editing it could be like the doors closed a hundred times like they're coming out to the car shut the And then the car goes yeah, so but what scott would do in editing In editing yeah

Just cut out all the funny Oh, you're not because it wasn't his idea and when he came over to the director going what are you doing? I go Is he directing or are you directing right like he shouldn't have even been on the set when there was another director? Yeah, yeah, you're right. You know like let us do that thing Let dice be dice, but as a producer he could still go to the editing room and fucking cut it out And that's what he would do. Yeah, you know, I know I did this one. I remember that was another episode. What the fuck? No, I got nothing against the guy. You're a great guy

No, look to sit down with him and have a hamburger. It's okay. Yeah, but you know, what's funny is anytime I've done my own show Yeah, you know, it's always an honor to work with me. They give you that bullshit Oh, it's such an honor. You're a legend. You're an icon till you're on the set Right, you know till you're in the writing room and they go, oh, we got this I got an idea. We're gonna connect all the episodes this season like everybody else did To make it lead up to this one fucking event. Yeah, I'm going. Why not just listen to what I'm telling you Yeah, I had a war with a fucking carpet guy

That nearly got so violent. I could have gone to jail At your house. No, I was and I wanted Scott to do this episode. Yeah Yeah, all right, and I wonder why I haven't seen a series from him since dice No, because you got to do at least three seasons. I mean HBO Showtime, they give you six seven episodes Wait, you didn't get three seasons. It's not even if you do three seasons That's like one full season on CBS. Right, you know what I mean? If they do tenor So how are you gonna sell more shows if you didn't even get three fucking seasons out of it? Yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like why wasn't that, you know, like people come to me all the time going You know dice was great. I was more whatever Because people don't know the frustration behind the scenes. Okay So While we're shooting this show I decide I'm gonna change all the carpet in my house. I believe in that What do you mean? I don't believe in hardwood floors

That's rid. I'm sorry. That's fucking Ridiculous Why It's just hardwood floors are the jam my friends. No, that's what everybody is doing It's the fucking jam of 2000. No, that's what everybody's doing say it. So I'm not gonna say. Oh, is that what everybody's doing? I don't know. I don't want to make a yes or no I don't I don't want to make an assumption that everyone said it's a jam meaning. Yeah Yeah, why is it a jam because that's what everybody's doing

Say it it's okay. All right. It's a jam. I don't mean it But hardwood floors are the jam because that's what everyone is doing. All right. Okay I was never the guy to do something All right, the first time I put carpet in my house like when max was born Yeah, when I bought my first house, whatever So I go to a carpet store. I've been going to this place for years And I go I want burb a carpet So the guy says to me well, let me show you what everybody's doing

And I go why the fuck would I care what everybody's doing? Do I look like everybody? I'm wearing a studded fucking 9 000 studs on a leather jacket in a carpet store Smoking a cigarette in the carpet store, which you're allowing me to do because I am dice Do I look like I'm the guy that follows the pack and does what everybody's doing get me berba Just get me fucking berba. Yeah. What is and what is berba? It's just a certain style of carpet. All right, fine It's like a nubby carpet Get him the nubby berba carpet. Yeah. Yeah, okay Sorry

So now here we are a few years ago. I'm doing dice You understand? Yeah I took a coffee break And I'm redoing the carpets in my house. I do the whole house. Yeah With berba the boys room. No We're way past berba. They were one when I did the berba Okay, they're in their 20s. What kind of time is going on? What kind of carpet now to different houses? What kind of carpet is it now mind your business? What kind of?

Like different rooms had different themes. All right. Okay. Jesus Christ All right so I have the guy do my my whole house of carpet and He winds up talking me into this black carpet in my room Uh, because you know at any given moment you would a chick you want to throw on the floor. That's part of the reason for carpet I don't want to bang around a wooden floor You have a bed Let me let me explain something anybody could do it in the bed. I got it a bed now and then would huh

Yeah, but then we could do it in the forest and then on a roller coaster, but the bed is for fucking no The roller coaster is not gonna happen. Okay the forest. I don't hike You know. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So like for instance I got this I got this giant red shag area rug 12 by 15 or 14

In my bathroom. It's beyond belief. Yeah wall great I don't buy the cheap shit. We didn't ask. I don't even synthetic You want or you want you walk in? Okay, there's your chick getting ready for the big Saturday night date that she pressured you into to take her to a restaurant That you don't want to go to and sit there after you eat Stuffed because we didn't spend enough time in the restaurant and she wants another fucking drink anyway

Because god forbid they walk out and they're not falling all over the fucking place Yeah Walking like a lady walk out walking into fucking walls talking loud. Yeah, I forbid that night doesn't happen So I come in the bathroom while she's getting ready She's in the fucking uh, the panties with the hair fucking bra, whatever And I'm looking so you grab a bite your hair you throw her on the fucking rug And you give her two three pumps and you throw her back at the makeup and you go, that's how beautiful. I think you are And you only did one eye

What does that mean? She's not even done with the makeup What I write a compliment that is when a chick's only got hair for makeup on And you're banging around the red rug already. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's gotta be thinking I can't even begin to imagine what happens with both. I'm both eyes done. Yeah. Yeah. Wow But now I gotta wait for the restaurant and the bullshit she wants to talk about. Yeah My friend is opening up

A Bundt cake restaurant Whatever the fuck. Yeah. Yeah. No, when you when we have no idea what I went through with bundt cake I know but when she says okay when she brings that stuff up. Do you feign interest? Or do you go to shut up? No, I don't say shut up because I want to continue to bang you right So I'll drink along with her right and you you hear about the bucket. Yeah. Yeah, you know and uh

No, the new girlfriend's very smart. The new girl seems very bright. She's like somebody she's got I don't want to say where she works, but she's a career girl You know what I mean? I don't give a lot of information out about it. I don't want to know anything about her No, I just don't want the people listening to no one's gonna know anything about her. Well, they will if I say it I know but I know but don't just don't I'm not why would I if I said I'm not gonna I could I just say what because we have to because we want to get back to the one leg up Um, oh, all right. I have something to do so one leg up I have something to say but I want to hear it from him. One leg up. Go ahead

All right. So you're talking about you're looking to have kids at some moment. Maybe yes, possibly. Okay You're the one that said it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So this is a sexual relationship Yeah I got to make sure What do you mean, of course, who knows with people today? That's fine. You're right I could I could be asexual and not do it. No, I don't know what she is what you are. I don't know I go I'm like a rabbit

I don't care what you how you style number one That's not how it works for me. Oh, right. You're a slow fucker No, I We just got done basically before I dropped her off to go home. Right. Yeah. Okay. Good. Yeah So anyway, what's the one leg? What's the one leg? I don't look for speed bangs Never did. Right. You know power fucking there It's powerful You know, there's power banging. There's all kinds of shit. I'm a technician

Yeah, you know, it's like, you know, all right, you know how Like you bring your car in right you bring your car. Right. All right. The thing ain't working. Right, right So the mechanic he walks around takes a look at the car gets down Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, I could fix this. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So whenever I go with a girl I never treat them Like the last like this is like the first real relationship I've had In I don't know two and a half years. Yeah, you know what I mean?

Like after the last one, I had to take a break. You know how you got to like come back to yourself You know, and then I had a heart attack. I nearly forgot that. Oh my god. I didn't know that. No, it's all right. All right I get them, you know Some people get headaches. Yeah. Yeah. No, but I had like a walkthrough heart attack, you know, and um So like I had a recoup and I saw working out and you know training myself So that's what I love to do. Like I was thinking I won't even have a real relationship again. Like I just couldn't see Getting into a full-on relationship again. Yeah, you know, you meet a chick some way you drag her back to the place You do whatever take care of yourself. I'll call you an Uber. Yeah. Yeah. That's today's girl. That's all they're looking for

Will you pay for my uber? Yeah, both ways. What do I Yeah, we're not leaving the house. No dinner. No talk. You know, yeah, they're nuts It's hard to be quality today is what I'm saying. Are we going back to the leg up thing? Yeah. Okay. Good. So So, you know, Eleanor's the ex-fiancé. Yeah, I know. That's how I met the new girlfriend Wow Eleanor delivered I love Eleanor. She's the best. Yeah, like we were in um

Remember she hated me for so all those years Do you want to get into that? No, I'll go. Okay. Okay. The next time All right, we would love you just before you finish the story I love you so much. You're this is you're so good at this Yes, I'm why you're rushing everything because we have another guest coming in. Oh, you know Moshe Kassher Moshe Moshe is coming um Natasha. Yeah. Yeah. She was my girlfriend. I know

I'm done. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I never met Moshe You're gonna meet him now. He's coming. All right. All right. So anyway, oh wait, I did meet him This is funny No, it's the Mitzi memorial. Remember that night? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Wow So I was getting so before we all go in everybody's in the back parking lot in the comedy store This is so I'm getting grabbed a lot. Okay. Yeah, I don't like Like You know, that's bad. You know when people put I don't ever touch you

You know, no, you can I don't get I would see you, you know, yeah, but all of a sudden somebody grabs my arm. We're going in And I go hands off You know get your fucking hand. I turn around and it's Natasha with Moshe Yeah, you know and she goes did you hear that to him? Yeah, I go. I didn't know it was you Yeah, I thought it's this asshole that's been bothering me. That was some guy there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's always some asshole that thinks Yeah, they're gonna make it at a memorial It's real fuck Yeah, yeah

So um What we talking leg up. Oh, all right So Illinois and you know, we're in Dallas whatever And Illinois is on the phone like always. She don't know how to put it down for a minute Anyway, she looks up at me. She's got this big smile. She goes this is good And I go, what she goes, do you remember this girl? I told you that I met on a cruise and No

No, yeah, she so she shows me a picture. Yeah, she goes. Well, she's coming to the show tomorrow I'm looking at the picture. I go you kidding. She goes, yeah, and she was single I go, yeah, but that's like a year ago Yeah, chicks like this aren't left out on the street. Yeah, they're not. No. Is she still single? Yeah, I don't know. Well find out Right, right, and she was single. Wow. And the minute we met when we started talking, you know, yeah Yeah, yeah. All right. So now I got to get back in the saddle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because I'm rusty I'll admit when I'm rusty

You didn't know how to go in and out or no, it's not about that anybody could do that See, that's the problem with most men. They don't really care about Like I said, you every girl is different. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, I can fix this Yeah, right like the car. Yeah, I'm not going to treat a new girlfriend the way I treated the old girlfriend She might not be into or like the things that girl likes. Yeah, so I get to know I break them down. You got to break them down You got to break them down. Yeah, write that down. Break them down. That's the first thing. Yeah, you get a girl You break them down and break them down into category what they like. I don't mean mentally

Erase it. Don't write it down. Sorry my bad I was excited. I go I wanted to but I'm saying you got to you got to break that like, all right You got the oil. Does it need an oil change? Does it need new brake pads? I get it. Yes. Okay So I had to break it down. So you start with the simple shit, right? You know hop on top You know what I mean? Yeah Missionary right different styles. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to let her know what you know Right. I put my life into this. Right. This is what I've studied. That's why the act is the act

Yeah, because you're a master of sorts. I I study human behavior Yeah, like I see the cup on the front that can't stand each other You know, like I'll say to a guy You married 33. What what gets you to the next 24? Like when you think about yeah 24 34 years with this Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and you're looking at a girl that looks like she was hit by a bus like two or three times You know

You know, do you see what I'm saying? I'm right there. What would make you like not move to another state? Like I've told guys in the crowd I go you could get up Honey, I gotta use the bathroom. Yeah, and just never come fucking back Forget about whatever things you won't call. Yeah, you know, whatever. Yeah, just go somewhere Never get into even if you got kids forget them get it all Start new start a new do you keep your same name? When you go to another state, yeah, I know I know how to do that. All right, okay I'm the asshole that goes through divorce. Yeah, yeah, yeah on the asshole that even if if you don't know their money

Some judge goes well, I don't like what you do. So you do all money. Wow Yeah, in this state forget it. I want to say something about your kids though because you have powerful sperm Because your kids are prodigies Yes max and Dylan Andrew Dice Clay's children are the most talented kids. I've ever seen They're they're like virtuoso musicians Thank you, you know this well, I you see this is this is the bad part of having you know, uh kids that are talented You're any kind of celebrity It's harder for those kids to get places because people go. Oh, just because the father's so-and-so

No, that's what goes on. I know what we're telling you right now though. I've seen it firsthand I've heard it firsthand. Yeah, that pretty and I know these children They really are Super talented kids man. Well and that kid Dylan. I love max your son younger son Dylan is a sweetheart Thank you, right? We have to do this thing called unhelpful advice. This is how we close out the show Somebody emails us a problem. You could either help or not help, right? But can you listen to the email? What about one leg up? No, we have to wait. Yes one leg up. I What happens if you don't answer the question? We don't have to do a question. It's fun. Yeah

You want me? We can cut that out. I'll cut that portion out. Fuck that. Yeah, one leg up. How many questions do you normally get? One. All right, so let it moist your answer too All right Yeah, yeah ocean will answer. What I'm saying is if the missionary Now you start throwing the chick out. Yeah. Yeah, they're all built out differently. They're all shaped differently Right, so you gotta find what makes them tick, right? Right. So you go missionary you dog them out a minute There's no dog in its prison style with us because we have a height discrepancy What I'm so short that I if I do doggy I can't do it. We can't so she has to lay on her stomach

I have to lay on top of her like sort of The prison style. Yeah prison style prison style. Yeah, and on top like she's on her stomach We're doing doggy stuff, but she's not on her fours. She's like a dead dog Basic I don't have the height because she's tall So I didn't I would have to get up All right, you're taller than this, right? Yeah, I'm not a dwarf. No, I know that so how high is the bed?

Let's see the bed is this high. It's a low bed. It's a low bed. All right, but like all right I'm not looking to be this This is me doing doggy style, but her ass is here All right, so what I have to do is I have to stand and do so. How tall are you? I'm fine, but stand up. Let me just say you're next to each other That's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, nothing like a tall chick I know but she has to get on her stomach and I have to do it that way No, but what if she was bent over on the bed still like standing there? You can't do that. What do you call that?

I just don't have the balance for it. I'm sorry. I don't have All right, so now you're on the bed. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, so let's say her back is to you Right. What makes this position exciting is that it's one of the most all right. She's supposedly a nice girl That's why you go with yes. Okay. Allegedly No, you know, I didn't see her in the comedy scene, you know, she's not a comic. So she's not a run around, you know Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right So you give a direct door Her back is to you you're messing around you're rubbing up again, whatever you're waking her up

One leg up What is that? She'll be like what? Yeah, one leg up So they picked the leg up so you come in from that angle Which is a very lewd angle if you get and take some selfies of it. You'll see what I mean Yeah, you'll want to see that. Yeah, because The nicer the girl The more exciting one leg up is Ah, but she's facing away from you. What girl does that? Yeah, just no good in all. So I'm gonna say

So I say One let me just rehearse it real quick. Okay one leg up All right, she she'll be like What because she's getting woken up. So you gotta get a little more like Like like a drill sergeant. Oh So you do it. All right. So so I'll be like so I wake up. I'll sneak in bed, right? Yeah. Yeah. Can I be the girl here? All right. Yeah. Well, she doesn't oh, you just say All right, so I'm in the bed and uh, good morning. Yeah, so you start like uh, like banging against her

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah like that Yeah, yeah, yeah Just to get a bone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like in the bone zone. Yeah, you want to get in the bone zone. Yeah, very important It's very important. Yeah, that's half the battle That's half the battle because you're going after the uh, the purple bacon I don't want to use dirty words. Yeah, I get it. I get it. I get it. There's a girl on the show. Yeah. Yeah So you want the purple bacon? Yeah You're getting the bone zone. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah One leg up. Yeah What One leg up. Okay. Okay. There you go. There we go. Yeah, this is the key. Yeah, this is the key. Yeah They'll always go with the one leg up Because they can't believe they're doing it themselves. Right. Okay So you got to be ready to invade but if time that leg is up you get in there. Yeah, okay She might start

To lower the leg a little because it burns, you know, too bad What if she goes, I'm sorry, it burns. You know what a choke hold is, right? Yeah, yeah Not around her neck. Yeah. Yeah, help her out because she's a good sport. Yeah. She's got the leg Yeah, so you wrap your arm around the thigh With the one leg up You know and you attack You act as if you know how horses sometimes

No way the stirrups So, no, yeah, you act as if Now you got the one leg up You got the bone in Bone zone. Yeah, bone zone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're in the bone zone. But now you got the bone in You know how like when you go to a restaurant Yeah, we got the rib eye with the bone in. Yeah. Yeah. Always back You'll wind up looking at her going

Bone in bone in. Yeah, right. I get it. Yeah, but now you got your hand free Wait, wait, let me just let me go through this. I have both arms on her leg. No. No Once you once you put the choke hold on the thigh. Yeah. Yeah on the chubby little thigh. Yeah I'm just adding flavor. I know you're right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Um, no because you're thin. You're a thin girl. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah She should actually gain a little You know what I mean right that down gain a little bit a little more beef more beef or I can't do the Fucking leg thing. Okay. No, you can do the leg thing

You get more of a bounce of Okay, but now you got your fingers free to work the other part of whatever's there. I don't want to talk dirty words. You know, the brown star. The brown star. No. No, I don't like that.

Well, what's down there? The taint, the brown star, and the purple bacon. My back is to you, right? Right. Forget the brown star. You know what I mean? You know, the moose lips should be enough. You got the moose lips wrapped around the bone. I know, but the thing is, it's your wet nib.

You made it so vague, like, all this stuff down there. Not because the butt is against you, right, for the most part. She needs to be able to slap her ass. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Now I know, I'm a star. I don't know, I'm learning. Yeah, you're already in the yoke. Right. You know what I mean? You're already in there.

Leave the brown star alone. The brown star's got enough work to do. You're right, later. Okay, the front of her. Oh, right, the front of her. Yeah, the button, whatever you want to call it. Yeah, yeah. You worked out of...

Ah, with your fingers. The hand that's free. Yeah. Right. Because you got the arm around. Right. So you're doing a whole thing. You got five fucking fingers to work with here.

Right. So if you can't make her blow, you know, like heavy, at that point, I don't want to say anything, but she should leave you. She's just a fucking leave. Yeah. Have you ever had a girl? Let me ask you this. Yeah, yeah.

Have you ever had a girl that came to you with a problem? Yeah. That said, in her life, she's never been able to, you know, get, I don't like using that kind of... Is that what you fucking mean, though, come? Yeah, I guess. What? I just said it.

This is a podcast. Whatever I want. My house. Don't tell people that. They already... Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but I'm saying, have you ever had a girl come to you and say, you know, in my life?

Yeah. Like, it's all electronics to them? Yeah. No good. No good. No. You got to break them with a habit. We'll dice them.

Get them in the bone zone. We've learned so much from you, and I have to say, we could do another three hours, but we have to wrap it up. And it hurts me to say that. This bothers me because... What's the reason we're rapping? Because Moisha is waiting now. Yeah.

All right. All right. All right. What's more fun? I know. What? What's more fun? Look at them with the watch.

What's more fun? Why? You know, I don't want to talk about the phones, but why? You probably get them for free, right? No, I had to pay for them. I'm not there yet. No, I'm talking about the AMOLED. Because we build it?

Yeah. No, we don't. You don't have one person. Because it's not a Samsung. I could sneak one out of back door. No, no, no. Like when he's leaving the factory? I want to...

Do we have a box of them? Guys, I'm telling you right now, what we just did is gold. Dear, so? Yeah. No. What I'm saying is that my gratitude of you coming here... Oh, no. I'll do this.

This is one of the most fun ones I've ever done, because I don't even do podcasts. Yeah, I know. I would love to have you back, and then the next time we fucking have him, we'd never do two back-to-back, but you fucked up. You fucked up. We have a legend here, and now we're going to be rude. White guy. There we go.

White guy. There we go. All right, so give Dice a round of applause, everybody. Thank you. All right. Now, listen. Listen, this is what I'm thinking. What would be more fun and more advertising for you if Moise got so mad from waiting

that he just leaves? I know. We've canceled him like four times. No, no, no. We're not canceling him. He's a good guy. I met him. Hey, guys.

Welcome to the Housekeeping. I hope you enjoyed that podcast with the legend. The legend. The legend. I'm not going to say his name. He's just the legend. And make sure you check out the Slepking Live, Bobby will be in Schomburg, Illinois, San Jose, Denver, and Houston.

Coming up quick, guys. So check out those dates and get your tickets at bobyleelive.com. Fun fact. Has anyone seen cats recently? I haven't. Anybody else in this room seen cats recently? Please go on the mic. Tell us what app you're using.

It's not an app. It's just a meme on Instagram. Well, if you guys saw cats, they all have names. What would George's name be if he was a cat? George is Badonka Macarena. There it is, guys. Badonka Macarena. So whatever you see a new post from George on his Instagram, be like, hashtag Badonka

Macarena. It's not Badonka Donk. Listen. Open your ears. Badonka Donk? Badonka Macarena. Oh, it doesn't even fit. Badonk Macarena.

Badonka. Badonka. George, explain yourself. What's the origin of Badonka? You got half of a good ass, you know? You know what? I like that. Let's stick with that.

Yours is Django Wumba. Django Wumba. That sounds... Why does mine sound way more ethnic than George's? I love how George has a Badonka Macarena. Mine is Django. What is it? Wumba.

Wumba. My name is Django Wumba. What am I? You sound like an animal from Australia that got an animated film made about it. Hey, look, I got that Django Wumba over there. What is Bobby's? Bumba? What's his date of birth?

The 79. The actual date. We don't know. The 1970. That's a bad on us. It's also wrong online. Oh, is it? Okay.

It's Bumba something. Well, that makes sense. Bumba. Anyways, that was my sister. That was random. Go watch Cats if you want to get scared. Guys, email us your questions at adviceunhelpful at gmail.com. We're looking for interesting, unusual, non-typical problems, and we need your help as much as

you want ours. So, that's adviceunhelpful at gmail.com. You can follow George at- George underscore, Kimmel. You can follow Bobby at Bobby Lee Live. If anyone's still listening that doesn't know about Bad Friends Podcast is coming soon. Who's in that? He's got Bobby Lee and- Oh, Andrew Santino. Wow, guys.

Red and yellow is a reality now as Bad Friends. So, go follow them on Instagram. The Bad Friends pod. So, you can be updated for all the newest postings such as episode drops. Yeah, take a look at that. And also, follow everything KalanlaiKalambike, Tigerbelly at Tigerbelly on Instagram, and that's Tigerbelly, at Twitter, and you can follow me at GailBitsKoron. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Tigerbelly ad-free on Amazon Music.

Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen ad-free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcast. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com slash survey.