TigerBelly - Ep 231: Andrew Dice Clay & the One Leg Up
Episode Date: February 5, 2020Bobo thinks hardwood floors are the jam. Dice saves the garden. Khaly doesn't get a look. We talk Larry Winnecour's mother, the straws killing Moby Dick, and 'Bone Zone & the Purple Bacon...'. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly add free on Amazon music download the app today
Alapathana
Come see me live. I will be in Schomburg, Illinois February 13th through the 16th at the Chicago Improv
Some was a in California February 28th March 1st at the San Jose Improv
Denver Co. Coco
Colorado March 12th of the 14th at the comedy works
Houston, Texas March 27 29th Houston, Improv
Come to the Bobby Lee calm
Probably live calm and grab them before they're gone. Enjoy the show
I'm ready when you want. Okay, go ahead five four three two. Hey, Chongo
Hey, Chongo
What you doing around town with your flat face and your pot marks
This fucking guy had zits all over his face growing up this Chongo. He used to pick them now
He has pot marks on his face. Anyway, welcome to another
episode of Tiger Belly and
Let me introduce it. Just you know the crew you all you know, you know
Island Asian. Hello. Hello. We got my beautiful girlfriend Kaleila princess. He's from islands white
We got Chongo over here, you know and you guys
I'm gonna introduce you in a second, but let me just build up to it
Let me just build up to it, man, you know, um, I have a couple of things to say about this guest
You know growing up I was a gigantic fan of this next guest
So, you know, we've had great people on this podcast. We've had Academy Award winners. We've had
Sexy comedians whatnot, but I I've been looking forward to this one because I just love them so much
I when I was a young comic at the comedy store, you know, a lot of these famous people, you know
When you first start in the especially in the 90s when I started
They're very distant and they don't help you much, but this dude
You know, he used to be very inclusive
You would invite me he invited me to his son's bar mitzvah
He used to do these
Videos they used to include me in with Ari Shafir back in Steve Renanzizi back when we were young and
He's the first comic to ever sell out Madison Square Garden
He's the first rock star comic to ever exist
And he is a great actor. He was killed it on blue jasmine
he killed it in a star is born and
And um, that's a round of applause for Andrew Dice Clay everybody
No, you know
That was pretty good
Yeah, I'd have to try it again
Missing credits. No, no, no, it's not about credits
Who who's the comic
That had you open when you didn't even have time you did you forgot the most
I know because there's so many things. No, but but you don't know this. You're some new girlfriend of his
What's your name again, I know they gave you a nickname or something. I it's Kalilah Kalilah. Yeah, so anyway, I
Had him opening for me. Yeah in Vegas. Yeah
Remember I did it was the greatest show it was me Jim Norton and Joey Diaz opening for fucking
You've told you've told the Vegas story many times on this pod. I love that
You know because I would see like the potential in these guys and I used to like to help
You know, so I would just drag him along with me
and
we
We would have a blast. Yeah, a little joey and you know, yeah
It's a little was with me for three years Jim Norton till I got him
Well, I didn't get him with it just wound up when we did opiate Anthony and
They clicked in and they started calling him and that that's what you know, I was able to get rid of him
you know because
from day one Norton was just unreal like
Bobby, you know was just working on his act, but I didn't care, you know cuz to look at him was kind of you know
funny
You know it's when you guys just got here
You know like after the Pearl Harbor
So I was looking to help out
People yeah, yeah, yeah, so he had an act, but it wasn't what it is today, obviously Norton already had a
Strong act he was a killer killer and he was with me for like three years
And then when we got to opiate Anthony and they took a liking to him and they then
He he had he has a big career now from all that so that's always fun for me like even when I do
Joey Diaz show like he's one of the guys
You know Eddie Griffin blew up you blew up, you know, so I like when I get to talk about
People that I saw this potential in and I would just take them with me
I didn't I didn't care how big the places were
You know, oh
Friggin dumb Barris
You know, I'm sure I get texted for this like I'm insulting him in some way
But I'm really not but I took him and and I was doing
You know like a small room was 10,000 seats, you know, that was small at that time
Wow, you know, that was I ah shit night, you know
No, because I did the arena thing. I know he brought up the garden, but I did over 12 million people in
concert I did over 300 arenas, you know, and
Everybody I always say it's frustrating because they bring up the garden like it's a big deal
And it is because it's the most famous arena in the world, but it was the 20th one. I did
You know, I did I went around the country already doing arenas and I was saving the garden, you know, you know
No, that's what it was. Yeah, yeah, and it wound up the 20th and 21st show. I wound up doing two nights there
And you know, this is all like he's bringing it up because it's
You know, which is so funny to me today when somebody gets a few followers
Look at me
34,000
Yeah, yeah, and I'm going there fucking mutants, you know, who are these people you get
You know, like when you get like somebody that hates you as a comment. Yeah, okay
Now that was a time when I when I took over
When you know, I went to like the last awful breakup, right? Years ago already
So I had to take this shit over, you know, yeah, I was never involved with this nonsense. What so
You know people would all of a sudden just insult me, you know, yeah, and I'm like, I'm not that guy to do that too
Right, you know, so I would go to their page and I would take a look
You know what they are. Yeah, you know with their 22 followers
Yeah, you know, and I'd be like, are you kidding? Do you really think this is gonna sit right with me?
Yeah, like I'm like die like Rogan calls it dice mean when I'm on stage and now there's no act now
I just have hatred
Yeah, yeah, like right now like if I was on stage and somebody got me mad and I just don't like that person
Yeah, they're not told to take it. They're thrown out. Yeah, that makes me happy
Yeah, you know, I'm not looking for new fans. Do you comment back? Do you comment back or no?
No, wait, I'll tell you what happened. Oh, thanks. So if it's live, I
You know like I'll tell club soda Kenny, you know, I love him great guy, you know
And we've been back together for a while. So he enjoys my anger too
And I go Kenny. There's no warning. Yeah, you know and the hold of the person is the more enjoyable
It is for me to throw them out
So I could make fun of them as they're getting thrown out
Yeah, and say now make sure you you know like you tell your family your children that
You couldn't hold your liquor that you got thrown out of a comedy show
You were tossed out on the street. No money back. You're nothing in this world. I hope
You fucking die take care of yourself. Yeah, and they get thrown out. Yeah, okay
So when it happened when I took over the Instagram because I don't believe in Twitter
Yeah, you know, cuz there's no like real pictures
You know, yeah, I like the creativeness of Instagram. So I'm not into Twitter. Yeah, you know, I'm not into the
Yeah, the other one a Facebook. Yeah, because everybody believes they're smart
You know, I mean, yeah, you know, nobody fucking human beings on earth
Anonymous people in the world, you know with their political, you know, they're fighting with each other and I'm going
Who cares if you vanished right now?
Oh, like if you like
blew up
physically like
Yeah, like nobody would care. I'll give a fuck. Yeah, you know, and it's funny because I was taught about that when I was a kid because
You know, I'm not that uh
Bookworthy. Yeah
book smart
What?
Like I don't I do audiobooks. That's all I do. No, what I'm saying. Yeah, so you get it like in school
Like I knew I had to show up just so there wouldn't be a problem. You know what I mean?
Yeah, you know, and that was nothing to do back then. Yeah, there was no sex, you know, so go to school
You know, yeah, but um
But I'm from Brooklyn. So I you know, I have common sense. I have streets and yeah, so
With with all of that
When I went I was taught at a very young age never took politics
My mother would tell me
Don't talk politics on a boy. Yeah, it's a no-win situation. Sonny boy. I
Don't know maybe once or twice
That's what you're getting from the whole
I'm just curious to see what your mom would call you and if she's
Time that's fine. She called me sonny boy
She called me sometimes
Like my father would go. He's like a real schmuck sometimes. Yeah, you know, which is when I knew I could do the comedy thing
All right, you know, yeah, you do schmucky things. Yeah, yeah, like I'd always like
There was this fake phone that hung in the in the kitchen
Yeah, and every day, I don't know why I'd walk into it
I didn't put it there. They did
Yeah, you made the phone crooked again, what do you want from me?
Yeah, yeah, you know because I you know a lot of times I wouldn't go to school, right?
You know and my mother slept like a comic like till noon
You know, was he alcoholic? No, she just didn't work. Oh, I see she lived like a real woman. Yeah
Wasn't trying to prove anything
You know what I mean? Yeah, she used to love when my father would get out of bed at 6 30 in the morning to get ready and
Go do his job, and I'm Friday bring money. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
She was a woman. She was at the mall
Yes, she was with her sister and her mother at the local diner having coffee
To five in the afternoon. Yeah, she wasn't going. Oh, I want to I don't want a man to hold the door for me
Yeah, you know, yes, you know, oh, he put his hand on my shoulder when he took a picture
Yeah, cuz men love my mother. My mother looked like Elizabeth Taylor. She had she had a real star look
Yeah, yeah, and so I you know as a little kid. I would see what would go on. Yeah, you were also a handsome kid
No, we know about my gorgeous looks. I'm not
No, but you're very good look if you come from a beautiful woman and a good-looking guy, you know give him birth to an alien
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know yeah, yeah, what do you think where?
What do you think's gonna come out between the both of us an alien? Oh
You plan that we're planning it. Yeah, we've been six years together seven seven years. Oh, really? Yes, Andrew
I know I know yeah, he doesn't come but yet. Yeah, but you think that if we had a child that well, I think if
All right, you got to do one leg up. Okay. Oh
Oh
To get a pregnant. Yes one leg up. What do you mean one leg up? You give her a command like you're in the bed
All right, you could start missionary as a warm-up. Yeah, okay
You know that that's what I do
You did not even look give me the end of the story. Yeah, then I could tell you what to do. Okay
So what do you mean the end of our story? No, no, I was telling you story
about what I learned finish the story as a kid because your audience is gonna go he didn't finish saying what he was saying
Right, but we could always go back to what right, but I'm gonna forget it
Yeah, oh my bad my bad go ahead. No, it's not a bed. It's
No a bed would be if you were backing up and hit my car that would be bad that would be bad
And there'd be consequences. I would pay like I'm not calling a cop. Oh
You know what I mean, right?
Because of the asshole drivers
Yeah, I don't want to use a blinker and make u-turns wherever they feel the urge
Yeah, but you're doing it now by diverting from the story. All right. All right. I do the car thing
So what I was taught just to get through that part. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this went on file Facebook
So so I was taught never took religion, you know, whether she called me sunny boy or Andrew
I don't remember the exact moment. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I like the detail
She probably was saying something like why didn't you go to school today? I go
It's snowing out
Wow, I'm gonna shovel walkways and make myself a few dollars
Let everybody else be at the school these assholes. Yeah, I'm getting five dollars a driveway. You understand
Yeah, I understand you. Yeah, you know
And she smoked one 20s, you know, so, you know, we just have coffee
Me her and my friend
Larry win a core who you don't know
Okay. Yeah, it's the only one I've really stayed friends with since my whole life is Larry is Larry win the winter core
Win the core win a core. Oh win the core win a co win a co
That's what I mean. You never really learned
Win a core what yeah, whatever busy still alive. Yeah. Yeah
That's all I wanted to do. All right, so Larry would always be at my apartment
Yeah, because his mother was a nurse you understand. Uh-huh. So she had to get up early to go to work
Was she Filipino? No, she just was a nurse. Okay. Okay
There's a lot of Filipino nurses, that's all I know that's popular today. Yeah back then they wouldn't let him in that easy
Okay, so Larry's mother
So Larry's mother would say yeah, all right, you ready to go to school. Yeah, all right
So he would leave the house like he's gonna do the whole school thing. Yeah, he would just come to my place first
He'd stop at the Germans deli
Right. Yeah, because on one corner. We had the Italian deli and around the corner for me
We had the German right what is difference the difference is the German deli
Had the chocolate pudding and the little tins and
The rare roast beef
So here comes Larry
With the with the pudding
With the roast beef in the refrigerator
And then he would just lay down in my bed with his feet at my head
And we go back to sleep
And then at about noon my mother opens the door and she goes
Well, why don't you guys go to school? Yeah. Oh, no look with the snow. Yeah. Yeah, and she goes it's a flurry. I
Go, yeah, but I don't want to get the flu. You know how you always talk about getting the flu my
Yeah, you get hit in the back of the head with the wind. It's all over and I'm home for three weeks
So you're better off having me here now
All right, so we light up some cigarettes you put on
You would smoke how old were you when you smoked? Oh, it's like 16, you know
And your mom would you wish you would let you smoke in the house. She'd like my cigarette
You know how I used to do with the zippo lighter. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think I got that from?
Just could I just divert a story that you and I had once where we went to the airport and you smoked inside the airport?
Yeah, always
You know, but it was against the law
No, but this is what would get me mad with that bullshit
All right, this will get me mad. Yeah, even to this day
Hey, they come on the loudspeaker. No, I don't smoke anymore. I just hold them. I know, okay
And they start in
You know with the uh, this is a non smoking area. Yeah, and I'm going you stupid fucks
Hasn't it been a non smoke? Can somebody just shut the tape?
There's been no smoking supposedly for 35 years. Yeah
in
In this shit lax where people are getting killed now when they come out from a flight
Because now there's no cars allowed to pull over
Have you been to the worst fucking airport in the history of human beings?
Yeah, people are running across the street to the parking structure and cars are stopping short
And people are throwing their fucking bags and I don't know how to get home anymore
I know it's the worst fucking setup. I fucking hate them
But now it's also like you can't get a cab there anymore. You have to take a shuttle to some other area
Which is never gonna happen in my world
What do you mean? It's just never gonna happen. You won't take a shuttle. No
Number one. Yeah. Yeah, there are no shuttles. They caught on fire recently. So they had to switch them back to buses
Yeah, it's either avis or Hertz. I don't want to rent the car
I want to get out of here. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I was standing there last time I was there
A you all pulled up in the middle of the gutter there, you know, and they open up and people started throwing their bags
It's the worst setup they really need to do something because somebody gets killed there
They'll own that airport. Yeah, you know, it's just not
It's not chaos chaos
All right, so what my mother was telling me
Never talk politics
Because it's a no-win situation. Right what you think so on facebook you got millions of people
Talking part fighting with each other unknown people that nobody gives a fuck about and even if they were known
Nobody gives a fuck about them either. Yeah, that's why you go to a party
You see people with the veins popping out. No, but you don't know what I'm said and you don't know what this one said
You know, and I'm looking for the blonde with big tits that I could drag into a fucking broom closet
And bang well our husband's in this heated debate about what he thinks the chiropractor the brilliant fucking chiropractor
What he thinks about what needs to be done who gives a fuck. You don't even know how to crack a back properly
You're the worst kind of doctor. You're a doctor. That's a non fucking doctor in my opinion
Yeah, you're a guy that they said in school. You know, uh, he's never gonna be a heart surgeon
I'm gonna forgive me. He's like more of a glorified masseuse. You know what I mean?
Yeah, you know, he rubs you down a little with some oil. He talks nice into your ear and then he tries to pop your spine a little
Yeah, and he makes himself a nice living and this is the guy that wants to talk about
The rulers of the world what he thinks should happen. Right. Right. Fuck. Yeah. Well, I'm fucking big tits in the closet
You know, because that's the only reason I would go to a party is to meet chicks
Yeah, I don't care if there's a guy on the block forget about it. You prefer big tits over tiny little
I like the kiwi little tiny kiwi fruit kiwi fruit tits
Whatever you like, you know, what do I give a fuck?
No, what I'm asking you
It's no offence, sir. Well, I'm saying it's what kind of hits do you like I'm just saying to grab a chick into the closet
They should have a bigger tit so you can
Oh, right, right, right, right. You know, I'll always take a fat ass of any kind of tits
You know, I mean, that's just my personal preference
Because I'm there all the time right
And I'm gonna just see something side note. I know I'm not interrupting you. I'm just trying to get one thing
I know but I just have a question. I just have a comment to make is your new girlfriend is so beautiful
Well
What's it your business?
No, I don't like anybody looking at her
No, I'm not no, but you post it on instagram, right? Because I follow you
Okay, right and I look at her because you fuck you fucking did it
You posted it. Okay, and I made an observation
Of going she's very attractive that she's look, you know, that's all
Well, what should I go with somebody ugly?
No, that's not what I'm saying. Let's say I was going with the ugly Anna. What would I post, huh?
Sir, sir, sir, sir, like why would I even put her up there?
Ugly Anna, no, you would never date ugly Anna because you're a dice
What I'm just saying is is that when I look at her on instagram and I just listen finish. Let me finish
All right, let me finish
All right, all I'm saying is is that when I observe her I go she's very attractive and she seems lovely. That's all
Congratulate. Are you are you in love? Did I say anything about her?
She's very attractive and if it's not I but I know what you think you're getting away with
Bobby
I know what you think you're getting away with
All right, finish the story. All right. Let's say for instance. Okay. All right. So she said don't talk politics
All right, so that's why I don't file a facebook. Yeah, and plus they want to put every relative with a tube up their ass
Oh, my uncle
He's 104 years old
He just passed away. Yeah, who gives a fuck
Yeah, I got my own problem
I
We think I got nobody sick hanging around. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, this is what they do on facebook
So that's what I told you forget twitter because only instagram
Facebook is idiots that have failed in life
You know what I mean? They have just failed they failed in life and they're angry about failing
Yes, so they're never gonna write anything nice to you, you know, uh, and it's all about, you know, the politics and
religion
Religion never talk religion ever talk religion. No gotta be an asshole to talk religion. Yeah, and uh,
This is what I was taught as a kid and yeah, you know, can we talk never talk power ticks religion?
And never and never make fun of frank sanatra
Why that was a big thing back then why?
Who's uh, you dumbest I I get it you're from Hawaii
I
Know frank's the rat pack. I know. Yeah, and I got to meet and hang with frank. Oh, you did. Yeah. Oh, wow
Did you meet that? I'm nice. I know. I know that's why I'm nervous that you're on the spot. No, I'm happy to be
Yeah, yeah friends. We are friends. I love you. So, you know, what's great about you too
Is is that if you whenever you see me? I remember one time I saw you on large mod over there
And we you're yeah, and you and I had like a 30 minute conversation. You just pulled me aside. I just
You're just so inclusive and what you're a super nice guy
I wanted to ask you though about because
Kalyla and I love the movie a star is born
What was that?
I mean
You were amazing in that foot was
How amazing you were so real. It was great caring as a father
What was it like working with lady gaga? Was she nice? I was a dad in the movie. I know but was she nice
Was she nice? Was it nice working with her? Tell me about it. Is my daughter or is gaga?
As gaga
Stephanie is her name. My bad. I don't know her. No, but that's what I'm saying. So I got used to calling her by her
Oh, Stephanie. No, she's a
For being one of the biggest stars in the world. She's as grounded as you could get as a human being
Do you get do you get nervous when you do like a movie like that?
Like because you I remember blue with jasmine's woody allen. Do you get nervous because I you know
I've done a not great movies, but I've been in some movies and I get kind of nervous. Do you get nervous?
No
At all
It's actually a boring process to me
um
Like I can't wait to get out of there
Like that was one day I went over to bradley because I was shooting this whole kitchen scene and
You know and I was like, can we get out of here already?
You know and he's like
Dice was shooting, you know expensive movie would do and I'm going no, but we got it like
you know
Like how much you want to film like I like it was his first directing thing. Yeah. Yeah, so I guess he was
He was as cool as a cucumber doing it, but he wanted to do it. I'm going but what are you gonna film now the toaster?
Uh, you know what I mean?
Let's get out of here
We'll do more tomorrow. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. Yeah, you know, so yeah, I get bored waiting around
Right
And then when you do it and you think it's like done they go, all right, you know what I want to do this kind of set up
And I for what?
Yeah, you got nobody in the theater is gonna go on they didn't get the ceiling from you know up there
You know
I'm gonna use it anyway. Right. Right the oven. Yeah, because I don't eat that shit food. They serve on sets
Oh, you because I have to eat it. What do you do?
You know, uh, I would send somebody to Donald's or something
You think that McDonald's is better than the food that they have the craft service
Yeah, yeah, okay because they try to get like, um fancy about it, right
They can't just have like like I'm a steak a chicken guy. Yeah, but even if they have chicken
They got to dip it in some kind of garbage. Yeah
Show that they're not just some fucking meat truck
Yeah, look at our some sort of glaze some honey glaze over the steak is and I'm like
Who wants steak for in the afternoon?
Yeah, no one. Exactly. Right. I never thought of it that way. Yeah. Yeah, and
So like when I did my show dice
You know, I like
Made demands
Right like from the caterer. Yeah, you know
I said, I better not see anything fancy
Or there'll be another catering. Yeah
You know, my friend Scott Armstrong worked with you on that. Yeah. Yeah, and then gatewood and tenaka if you remember that
Gatewood and tenaka are phenomenal. I love those guys. Yeah, Scott. I'd never do another thing with these stings
Yeah, I just that's my opinion. Yeah. All right. You hear every he doesn't stink as a writer. Yeah. Yeah, but you know as a director
Yeah, all right. Okay. Good, you know and um
Like anything that I put in there that was really create, you know, like when I used to do the filming
Yeah, you know, but because I'm not a profession. I would do shit like when I'd work with another director on the show
Here comes Scott and I go, are you directing?
Or is
This director. Yeah, like I forget this guy's name. He was from Philadelphia. He was a fucking amazing
So that used to be a thing I would do when I would shoot my my show
That never came on the air that you were part of. Yeah. Okay
I used to do a thing where I I called doors
Okay
Where I'd be filming I might have even done it with you. I don't I'd have to go through the tapes
2000 tapes
and um
It's just funny, you know, it's all about comedy to me. It's not about will this work. Yes, it'll work. I'm berserk
It'll work. Yeah. Okay. So I'm shooting this thing with a director where
I'm gonna go remember how I used to dump garbage with my sons. Yeah a little yeah any boys. Yeah. Yeah
We still do it. Wow
And that 25 and 20
Dump garbage. There is nothing more enjoyable than taking
Just loads of garbage and boxes and illegally dumping it and just making it somebody else's fucking
Until the city decides dice needs more than
One can of garbage. Yeah for regular garbage. Yeah one recycling bin and one bin for leaves
Get a buy a degradable. Yeah till they go. All right. Give them like 10 for like the recycling with the boxes and everything
We're gonna illegally dump
And I have filmed it
Yeah, what do you do with when you're at a restaurant and they don't have straws anymore. Do you get angry? Oh, no
I got straws
Oh, you bring your own. No, let me tell you something the minute they started that shit. Yeah with the you know
The bullshit plastic straw killing a mobi fucking dick, you know
Yeah, it's not the oil tank is the pipes bursting under the ocean. None of that not the all the shit
They're dumping to the it's my straw
My plastic straw not the cops
For some reason the fish love the cops and the lids. Yeah. Yeah. They love all that. Yeah the straw is choking them out
Fucking asshole piece. So I started stealing because I'm a thief
No, I'm a you don't know me well, but I'm a criminal in a lot of ways and um
So so I started stealing all the straws out of starbucks
Uh, uh, uh, you know, it's not really stealing because you bought you bought a beverage probably so yeah, but I take this many
And I keep uh
Um, a giant bag and uh backpack whatever in the back of the trunk. Yeah with just
There's gotta be at least two three thousand
Real deal
Yeah, I'm never running out of a place. Yeah, I got bring on your your cardboard bullshit
Yeah, the asshole that invented starbucks that made him a multi-billionaire went
Oh, no, but we got to take the straws away now the way I made my money
Yeah, yeah, you know and put cardboard in there
Right like it's gonna last. Yeah, you don't think it's gonna last no like the cardboard. Oh, it's not good. Oh, yeah
Paper in something wet
It falls apart. I know it. I know it does. You know what I mean? It takes time, but like an hour. Yeah, yeah
No, it doesn't take an hour. Why don't you just drink it really fast?
Because I look at my coffee. I've had that for an hour and a half
Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Does it look done? No, no, no. Is there a plastic store? No, no. Yes. Yes, there is. Yeah
Yes, I got it from Starbucks. Yeah
trunk, yeah
but um
But you have you a dice
Tom and sense. I know but I want to give you a call. Can I give you a compliment? Sure. All right, so
Throughout your career though, you've had a resilient career
And don't get me wrong. He's a nice guy. Who Scott?
Scott Armstrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Stick to what we know
Right, right. Because I've worked with Scott. Oh, so I wanted to tell you the thing with the doors
Yeah, the door. Yeah, go back to the doors. Yeah, because people are waiting to hear what happened
All right, so I used to do this thing
Where all right, so we're doing a scene with with my real sons in the show where
We're gonna go dump garbage
It's the one thing they like used from me because god forbid
They go through my tapes like this one producer. I don't want to say his name
But he actually produced roseanne
And uh, the original roseanne right and he goes, I don't know what's wrong with the guys you're working with
You know, Alan Stevens. Oh, he gave me my first acting job. Okay. Yeah, so he goes
If I was producing dice the tv show
He goes
The first thing I would say is why don't you just bore me the tears
With the tapes you you keep talking about with the episodic tapes
That you just bore me for three days. Show me your tapes. Yeah
Yeah, you know, because if you watch those tapes you got episode after episode after episode
Of a berserk comics life. Yeah, you know, I know I'm nuts. I'm not nuts like but those nuts
You could still use because awry should fear now is very sick. I know that and you signed it
You signed the fool. So yeah, I'm on it
You know, I mean, uh, awry steve and a zizzy. Uh, sebastian
Sebastian, um
Everybody everyone's in it. Yeah. Yeah, but we were young
But thinking of fight with you and we'll get into that in a minute with the but that's what I'm saying
I want the violence in the show. They won't even give me the violence. I want it. You know on dice
You know, it's Scott
It's fucking yo-yo
You know, and I know he did old school good for him. Yeah
Yeah, you know, I I created rock and roll comedy. You understand? Yeah. Yeah. I did the rose ball
And he's gonna tell me what I need to do on film. Yeah, there's a reason people showed up. That's why I was talking about the internet
You forgot that part
When I said no twitter no facebook because of these reasons because people are assholes
They're older. They never went anywhere and they're just fucking bitter and then so I stuck with instagram
Because at least with instagram it's creative. Right. You know what I mean? People get creative. Yeah, you know
Except most of the women with their sayings
Don't let him define you
Shut the fuck up, dear rabbi
You know what I mean? Don't let him defy
Trust the fucking process. What process?
You open my legs
You know
Then I grew my balls to your fat ass
That's the whole process
You know, I want to talk about my nice. I'm not your enemy. I'm with you my my new nice sweet girlfriend
What do you think we was doing all night? Why do you think I had to come here later?
I know I don't care about those details
No, about what? I just shut the fuck up. I just gave you a fucking compliment
How beautiful she is and I don't care about if you smashed her or grabbed her little too
Why are you talking about her like that?
You know your girlfriend to to she
I know I know she is I call her sugar plumb
See what I mean. Oh, but see when a guy
What says something like
Let's say a girl gets out of a car, you know, it's dressed a certain way. Oh, I like those pants you wear
And I've had this fight by the way. Yeah
And and I'll say to the guy like what what does that mean?
What is it? What do you think it means? I like the pants. No, no, but I know because I'm from Brooklyn
What that means? What does that mean?
You don't know because of where you're from say no
But I'm just saying we mean if a guy complimented on you on your pants
No on a girl that all on a girl's pants. Yeah. Oh, I like those pants. Yeah, why?
What is it your business? Why does she need to know how you like her pants?
That's the guy's way of getting away with saying I'd like to fuck you
Are you okay? Yeah, I mean I'd have friends for years beautiful girlfriend. You got a beautiful girlfriend
I'm not going to comment on anything about her
It's not my business
Right to compliment. So, you know, you're right. You're right. You know, I have a lot of girlfriends who like it
but when when when apart when they're not
Being complimented on their looks but an object that they're wearing and I always tell them that's actually bullshit
He's telling you he's coming on to you. He's just
Being subtle about and being round about about it. And he's coming on right in front of the guy. Yeah
I know exactly. You're absolutely right. But I don't stand for that. See oh, you stop it. Yeah, you stop it
Yeah, no, he'll go they make like I don't know what you thought. No, you know exactly what I'm doing
Like I would say to this guy. I go did I ever come
Compliment your your wife. Yeah on anything she's wearing or an outfit or
no
Because then it's me getting away with saying hey, I want mine getting a piece of this
Oh
Yeah, see I don't buy that shit if I saw you with your girlfriend. Yeah, don't even look at her
I don't like anybody really looking at her for long
Like you see how if I meet her
I do a glance like that. If you notice if you watch the tapes back
He's a look at her watch the tapes back. Yeah, I'm basically like I'll give her a glance
Yeah, I've noticed that but I'm basically focused on you. Right. What if I sat here like this?
Bobby
You know what I think? Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean weird
No, it's class. You know, I know the diff. You know the difference of Brooklyn. It's from Brooklyn. That's right
There's no respect America with guys. Yeah, no respect. There's no respect. You better. You better walk with an ethnic group
Yeah, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, the white male is an asshole
Exactly, I'm just telling yeah, would I come across all the time? Yeah, you know when I meet fans that aren't white guys
Yeah, the most respectful
Nicest, you know, they're not in your face with a fucking camera
You know grabbing you're going. Oh, this came out blurry. Oh, I fucking hate you
Yeah, yeah, you know, I mean, yeah, they're just disrespectful. That's that's what it's come down to
It's so funny because when we used to at the store
Before cell phones and digital camera. Oh, yeah, yeah, so this is great. You're gonna love this
So we would people would have disposable cameras, right the things that you would just go to Kodak and get them
Yeah, all right. And so whenever um, they would ask dice for photo
He would have one of us take the photo, but we knew the rule
They knew the routine. We knew the routine. You always cut dice's head out of the
All right, so you have to you had to angle it down sometimes
I go, all right, Bobby take the yeah, so that um, you know, you're me. Yeah. Yeah. So instead of like this, you know, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and somebody would go
Are you are you getting the picture? Yeah, of course
Like why wouldn't you be getting the picture?
Or else it would be like, you know, like yeah, yeah getting my shoulder. Yeah, you know, but I'm never it
I would love to see so many of those pictures
It was that would and I always laughed when I thought of them. How many beautiful moons and stars
I know, but imagine, you know, going back to Michigan
Right, and you're going to the Kodak store and you get the pictures back and none of them
I loved when the new generation of comics came in which was
Bobby and Renes easy and did Ari ever go anywhere? Yeah, he's big now other than the ghosts
No, no, no, he's killing it. All right. Yeah. Yeah, I saw him in new york. He shaved his head or something
Hey, to me, it was like taxi drunk
He's a snapperhead. Yeah, you know, um, like I said, you know, Bobby, Sebastian, all these guys were the new guys
And there was so much more fun
Than the guys I came up with
Because number one, I always stood away from the pack
It's just the way it went because when my career took off like what comics go through today
With the politically correct stuff
I I piss on them now because when my career took off, I had the world it was like picture if you're the only one ever
Being attacked for political correctness
Right, that's where I became the biggest comic in the world hands down and everybody knows that to this day
Like I love when I talk to the guys that are honest about the shit
Like like, you know who talks about it the best Joe Rogan
Like he goes, yeah, there are guys today doing like if he has a comic like Ari, you know
That jealous prick
But if you remember
In in the and I love Ari. I'm friend. I love him. He's a jealous
He's a jealous. Fuck. He's not a good-looking guy. You know, ugly. What are the worst that big fucking hooked nose?
Yeah, you know, yeah, and uh, nice guy. I'm friends with him
But even when I filmed what we called the show, yeah, you know with my camera
He was the antagonist. That was his part
So whoever was my friend in the show
Ari would come over to them. This is on film. He goes, what are you talking to dice for?
Like he's done like he you want to talk to me. I'm the big star now. Yeah, you know, so he was the antagonist
Like steve rin is easy. Not steve rin is easy
um
wait
Simone steve Simone Simone he played the part I called misery
You know how he's always miserable about stuff and angry. Yeah, you know, yeah, he's lightened up over the years
No, but no, I'm friends with him. I know. Yeah, but what I'm saying is
His part on on film was always upset and angry
You see him come through the double doors in a comedy, you know of the kitchen going fuck this fucking shit
Just angry. Yeah, yeah, you know, um
Uh, Mike Moreno, yeah, you know who that is. I know who Mike Moreno is. Yes. Yeah, okay
So not because he never became like a big star, you know, why not? Why do you think that happened?
Let me can I ask you that? Why do you think some people just don't make it?
They don't have the x-factor
uh
Yeah, the that's that star thing. Wow, you know, are you and he doesn't I know
But are you born with that or can you learn now? You're born with that, right? You either got that or you don't
Wow, and um
That's why they do a show now called the x-factor. You either have that or you don't right, you know
You know, there are people that stand on stage could just not be funny, but they become superstars because they have a star
They were star. Right. You know, that's what mitzi used to look for, you know, and um
But anyway, Mike
Moreno
Is it marino or marino?
Because I got two different friends. One's marino. I used to call him Mike Moreno. All right. Well, whatever it is
Yeah, you know, yeah, we his part was called he was the russian
Even though he was italian, why did you pause like that? I don't know. I don't really yeah, but that really was really I don't do that again
That was crazy. He wasn't looking at me. I was looking at you
You were the one that's talking. I was crazy that you did that
I don't I don't do it. Okay. All right. So anyway
His part was the russian. Yes, because he's he's italian, but he's a blonde italian. Yeah, you know, I'm very light-skinned
Yeah, okay
Like I don't even think people believe he's italian because of that. So his part was the russian, right, you know
um
Sebastian was always puzzled
Yeah in the in the tapes. Yeah, like he would watch me like from a distance and go
What what's going on?
With dice. Yeah, you know, and why is he walking and arie would be like
He's got the camera. He's just looking for something to do you understand
Yeah, like one time my son dylan just buried arie on film. Wow and dylan was seven
Yeah, okay. Yeah, if you saw this clip, yeah, you'd be amazed because arie's playing foosball with dylan
Yeah, you know, so arie's at that time. What 30?
You know dylan seven. Yeah, and for whatever reason arie's going, you know, I don't really think your dad's funny
You know and dylan just looks at him, you know
And dylan goes what'd you say, you know, and he goes I I I don't think your dad is funny
Yeah, like he's needling the and dylan goes
Uh, did you ever do the rosemont in Chicago?
Yeah, you know
And then he goes did you ever do three nights at the mecca and the walkie?
Which is actually where bill burst saw me and decided i'm gonna do that
Wow, yeah, like I love hearing these guys story. Yeah, I become friends with them, you know
Can I just say something about dylan and max real quick? No, but wait, let me just say this
But can I end of this scene is arie to a seven-year-old? Yeah, yeah, it's going
Like he's broken and he goes, well, you know, I work
It's the greatest thing he's trying to bury this kid's father
In the seven-year-old those the credits, right, you know
Are you gonna can we see it or no? How do we see these tapes?
Well, there is gonna be a documentary
You know and uh, I'm working on all that now, please good because I think that's gotta come out in some form
It's the funniest shit. I can't wait what I was telling you with fucking Armstrong. Yeah, right?
Is so we're shooting the scene where we're gonna go dump garbage
Which we wanted a few things they took from my life
Right that they're gonna use in one of the episodes other than what they made up
Instead of just like my son say if you did a show with axl rose wouldn't you let him be axl?
Yeah, you know, why don't you just listen to my father's stories and let him be dice
Yeah, okay, but don't you have the power to go up? Let's do this
No, when you're working with a network, you know how yeah, because then you become the problem right?
All right, so we're shooting this scene with another director
Where all right, so we get in the truck doors closed
Cut reset
Open the two back doors slam those
Open the moon roof slam that yeah
Oh, no, I had him shoot through the moon roof to get angles of the doors
So in editing it could be like the doors closed a hundred times like they're coming out to the car shut the
And then the car goes yeah, so but what scott would do in editing
In editing yeah
Just cut out all the funny
Oh, you're not because it wasn't his idea and when he came over to the director going what are you doing? I go
Is he directing or are you directing right like he shouldn't have even been on the set when there was another director?
Yeah, yeah, you're right. You know like let us do that thing
Let dice be dice, but as a producer he could still go to the editing room and fucking cut it out
And that's what he would do. Yeah, you know, I know
I did this one. I remember that was another episode. What the fuck?
No, I got nothing against the guy. You're a great guy
No, look to sit down with him and have a hamburger. It's okay. Yeah, but you know, what's funny is anytime I've done my own show
Yeah, you know, it's always an honor to work with me. They give you that bullshit
Oh, it's such an honor. You're a legend. You're an icon till you're on the set
Right, you know till you're in the writing room and they go, oh, we got this
I got an idea. We're gonna connect all the episodes this season like everybody else did
To make it lead up to this one fucking event. Yeah, I'm going. Why not just listen to what I'm telling you
Yeah, I had a war
with a fucking carpet guy
That nearly got so violent. I could have gone to jail
At your house. No, I was and I wanted Scott to do this episode. Yeah
Yeah, all right, and I wonder why I haven't seen a series from him since dice
No, because you got to do at least three seasons. I mean HBO Showtime, they give you six seven episodes
Wait, you didn't get three seasons. It's not even if you do three seasons
That's like one full season on CBS. Right, you know what I mean?
If they do tenor
So how are you gonna sell more shows if you didn't even get three fucking seasons out of it? Yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like why wasn't that, you know, like people come to me all the time going
You know dice was great. I was more whatever
Because people don't know the frustration behind the scenes. Okay
So
While we're shooting this show I decide
I'm gonna change all the carpet in my house. I believe in that
What do you mean?
I don't believe in hardwood floors
That's rid. I'm sorry. That's fucking
Ridiculous
Why
It's just hardwood floors are the jam my friends. No, that's what everybody is doing
It's the fucking jam of 2000. No, that's what everybody's doing say it. So
I'm not gonna say. Oh, is that what everybody's doing? I don't know. I don't want to make a yes or no
I don't I don't want to make an assumption that everyone said it's a jam meaning. Yeah
Yeah, why is it a jam because that's what everybody's doing
Say it it's okay. All right. It's a jam. I don't mean it
But hardwood floors are the jam because that's what everyone is doing. All right. Okay
I was never the guy to do something
All right, the first time I put carpet in my house like when max was born
Yeah, when I bought my first house, whatever
So I go to a carpet store. I've been going to this place for years
And I go I want burb a carpet
So the guy says to me well, let me show you what everybody's doing
And I go why the fuck would I care what everybody's doing? Do I look like everybody?
I'm wearing a studded fucking 9 000 studs on a leather jacket in a carpet store
Smoking a cigarette in the carpet store, which you're allowing me to do because I am dice
Do I look like I'm the guy that follows the pack and does what everybody's doing get me berba
Just get me fucking berba. Yeah. What is and what is berba? It's just a certain style of carpet. All right, fine
It's like a nubby carpet
Get him the nubby berba carpet. Yeah. Yeah, okay
Sorry
So now here we are a few years ago. I'm doing dice
You understand? Yeah
I took a coffee break
And I'm redoing the carpets in my house. I do the whole house. Yeah
With berba the boys room. No
We're way past berba. They were one when I did the berba
Okay, they're in their 20s. What kind of time is going on? What kind of carpet now to different houses?
What kind of carpet is it now mind your business? What kind of?
Like different rooms had different themes. All right. Okay. Jesus Christ
All right
so I have the guy do my my whole house of carpet and
He winds up talking me into this black carpet in my room
Uh, because you know at any given moment you would a chick you want to throw on the floor. That's part of the reason for carpet
I don't want to bang around a wooden floor
You have a bed
Let me let me explain something anybody could do it in the bed. I got it a bed now and then would huh
Yeah, but then we could do it in the forest and then on a roller coaster, but the bed is for fucking no
The roller coaster is not gonna happen. Okay the forest. I don't hike
You know. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So like for instance
I got this I got this
giant red
shag
area rug
12 by 15 or 14
In my bathroom. It's beyond belief. Yeah
wall
great
I don't buy the cheap shit. We didn't ask. I don't even synthetic
You want or you want you walk in?
Okay, there's your chick getting ready for the big Saturday night date that she pressured you into to take her to a restaurant
That you don't want to go to and sit there after you eat
Stuffed because we didn't spend enough time in the restaurant and she wants another fucking drink anyway
Because god forbid they walk out and they're not falling all over the fucking place
Yeah
Walking like a lady walk out walking into fucking walls talking loud. Yeah, I forbid that night doesn't happen
So I come in the bathroom while she's getting ready
She's in the fucking uh, the panties with the hair fucking bra, whatever
And I'm looking so you grab a bite your hair you throw her on the fucking rug
And you give her two three pumps and you throw her back at the makeup and you go, that's how beautiful. I think you are
And you only did one eye
What does that mean?
She's not even done with the makeup
What I write a compliment that is when a chick's only got hair for makeup on
And you're banging around the red rug already. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's gotta be thinking
I can't even begin to imagine what happens with both. I'm both eyes done. Yeah. Yeah. Wow
But now I gotta wait for the restaurant and the bullshit she wants to talk about. Yeah
My friend
is opening up
A
Bundt cake restaurant
Whatever the fuck. Yeah. Yeah. No, when you when we have no idea what I went through with bundt cake
I know but when she says okay when she brings that stuff up. Do you feign interest?
Or do you go to shut up?
No, I don't say shut up because I want to continue to bang you right
So I'll drink along with her right and you you hear about the bucket. Yeah. Yeah, you know
and uh
No, the new girlfriend's very smart. The new girl seems very bright. She's like somebody she's got
I don't want to say where she works, but she's a career girl
You know what I mean? I don't give a lot of information out about it. I don't want to know anything about her
No, I just don't want the people listening to no one's gonna know anything about her. Well, they will if I say it
I know but I know but don't just don't I'm not why would I if I said I'm not gonna
I could I just say what because we have to because we want to get back to the one leg up
Um, oh, all right. I have something to do so one leg up
I have something to say but I want to hear it from him. One leg up. Go ahead
All right. So you're talking about you're looking to have kids at some moment. Maybe yes, possibly. Okay
You're the one that said it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So this is a sexual relationship
Yeah
I got to make sure
What do you mean, of course, who knows with people today? That's fine. You're right
I could I could be asexual and not do it. No, I don't know what she is what you are. I don't know
I go
I'm like a rabbit
I don't care what you how you style number one
That's not how it works for me. Oh, right. You're a slow fucker
No, I
We just got done basically before I dropped her off to go home. Right. Yeah. Okay. Good. Yeah
So anyway, what's the one leg? What's the one leg? I don't look for speed bangs
Never did. Right. You know power fucking there
It's powerful
You know, there's power banging. There's all kinds of shit. I'm a technician
Yeah, you know, it's like, you know, all right, you know how
Like you bring your car in right you bring your car. Right. All right. The thing ain't working. Right, right
So the mechanic he walks around takes a look at the car
gets down
Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, I could fix this. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So whenever I go with a girl
I never treat them
Like the last like this is like the first real relationship I've had
In I don't know two and a half years. Yeah, you know what I mean?
Like after the last one, I had to take a break. You know how you got to like come back to yourself
You know, and then I had a heart attack. I nearly forgot that. Oh my god. I didn't know that. No, it's all right. All right
I get them, you know
Some people get headaches. Yeah. Yeah. No, but I had like a walkthrough heart attack, you know, and um
So like I had a recoup and I saw working out and you know training myself
So that's what I love to do. Like I was thinking I won't even have a real relationship again. Like I just couldn't see
Getting into a full-on relationship again. Yeah, you know, you meet a chick some way you drag her back to the place
You do whatever take care of yourself. I'll call you an Uber. Yeah. Yeah. That's today's girl. That's all they're looking for
Will you pay for my uber?
Yeah, both ways. What do I
Yeah, we're not leaving the house. No dinner. No talk. You know, yeah, they're nuts
It's hard to be quality today is what I'm saying. Are we going back to the leg up thing? Yeah. Okay. Good. So
So, you know, Eleanor's the ex-fiancé. Yeah, I know. That's how I met the new girlfriend
Wow
Eleanor delivered
I love Eleanor. She's the best. Yeah, like we were in um
Remember she hated me for so all those years
Do you want to get into that? No, I'll go. Okay. Okay. The next time
All right, we would love you just before you finish the story
I love you so much. You're this is you're so good at this
Yes, I'm why you're rushing everything because we have another guest coming in. Oh, you know Moshe Kassher
Moshe
Moshe is coming um
Natasha. Yeah. Yeah. She was my girlfriend. I know
I'm done. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I never met Moshe
You're gonna meet him now. He's coming. All right. All right. So anyway, oh wait, I did meet him
This is funny
No, it's the Mitzi memorial. Remember that night? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Wow
So I was getting so before we all go in everybody's in the back parking lot in the comedy store
This is so I'm getting grabbed a lot. Okay. Yeah, I don't like
Like
You know, that's bad. You know when people put I don't ever touch you
You know, no, you can I don't get I would see you, you know, yeah, but all of a sudden somebody grabs my arm. We're going in
And I go hands off
You know get your fucking hand. I turn around and it's Natasha with Moshe
Yeah, you know and she goes did you hear that to him? Yeah, I go. I didn't know it was you
Yeah, I thought it's this asshole that's been bothering me. That was some guy there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's always some asshole that thinks
Yeah, they're gonna make it at a memorial
It's real fuck
Yeah, yeah
So um
What we talking leg up. Oh, all right
So
Illinois and you know, we're in Dallas whatever
And Illinois is on the phone like always. She don't know how to put it down for a minute
Anyway, she looks up at me. She's got this big smile. She goes this is good
And I go, what she goes, do you remember this girl? I told you that I met on a cruise and
No
No, yeah, she so she shows me a picture. Yeah, she goes. Well, she's coming to the show tomorrow
I'm looking at the picture. I go you kidding. She goes, yeah, and she was single
I go, yeah, but that's like a year ago
Yeah, chicks like this aren't left out on the street. Yeah, they're not. No. Is she still single?
Yeah, I don't know. Well find out
Right, right, and she was single. Wow. And the minute we met when we started talking, you know, yeah
Yeah, yeah. All right. So now I got to get back in the saddle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because I'm rusty
I'll admit when I'm rusty
You didn't know how to go in and out or no, it's not about that anybody could do that
See, that's the problem with most men. They don't really care about
Like I said, you every girl is different. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, I can fix this
Yeah, right like the car. Yeah, I'm not going to treat a new girlfriend the way I treated the old girlfriend
She might not be into or like the things that girl likes. Yeah, so I get to know
I break them down. You got to break them down
You got to break them down. Yeah, write that down. Break them down. That's the first thing. Yeah, you get a girl
You break them down and break them down into category what they like. I don't mean mentally
Erase it. Don't write it down. Sorry my bad
I was excited. I go I wanted to but I'm saying you got to you got to break that like, all right
You got the oil. Does it need an oil change? Does it need new brake pads? I get it. Yes. Okay
So I had to break it down. So you start with the simple shit, right? You know hop on top
You know what I mean?
Yeah
Missionary right different styles. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to let her know what you know
Right. I put my life into this. Right. This is what I've studied. That's why the act is the act
Yeah, because you're a master of sorts. I I study human behavior
Yeah, like I see the cup on the front that can't stand each other
You know, like I'll say to a guy
You married 33. What what gets you to the next 24?
Like when you think about yeah 24 34 years with this
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and you're looking at a girl that looks like she was hit by a bus like
two or three times
You know
You know, do you see what I'm saying? I'm right there. What would make you like not move to another state?
Like I've told guys in the crowd I go you could get up
Honey, I gotta use the bathroom. Yeah, and just never come fucking back
Forget about whatever things you won't call. Yeah, you know, whatever. Yeah, just go somewhere
Never get into even if you got kids forget them get it all
Start new start a new do you keep your same name?
When you go to another state, yeah, I know I know how to do that. All right, okay
I'm the asshole that goes through divorce. Yeah, yeah, yeah on the asshole that even if if you don't know their money
Some judge goes well, I don't like what you do. So you do all money. Wow
Yeah, in this state forget it. I want to say something about your kids though because you have powerful sperm
Because your kids are prodigies
Yes max and Dylan Andrew Dice Clay's children are the most talented kids. I've ever seen
They're they're like virtuoso musicians
Thank you, you know this well, I you see this is this is the bad part of having you know, uh kids that are talented
You're any kind of celebrity
It's harder for those kids to get places because people go. Oh, just because the father's so-and-so
No, that's what goes on. I know what we're telling you right now though. I've seen it firsthand
I've heard it firsthand. Yeah, that pretty and I know these children
They really are
Super talented kids man. Well and that kid Dylan. I love max your son younger son Dylan is a sweetheart
Thank you, right? We have to do this thing called unhelpful advice. This is how we close out the show
Somebody emails us a problem. You could either help or not help, right? But can you listen to the email?
What about one leg up? No, we have to wait. Yes one leg up. I
What happens if you don't answer the question? We don't have to do a question. It's fun. Yeah
You want me? We can cut that out. I'll cut that portion out. Fuck that. Yeah, one leg up. How many questions do you normally get?
One. All right, so let it moist your answer too
All right
Yeah, yeah ocean will answer. What I'm saying is if the missionary
Now you start throwing the chick out. Yeah. Yeah, they're all built out differently. They're all shaped differently
Right, so you gotta find what makes them tick, right? Right. So you go missionary you dog them out a minute
There's no dog in its prison style with us because we have a height discrepancy
What I'm so short that I if I do doggy I can't do it. We can't so she has to lay on her stomach
I have to lay on top of her like sort of
The prison style. Yeah prison style prison style. Yeah, and on top like she's on her stomach
We're doing doggy stuff, but she's not on her fours. She's like a dead dog
Basic
I don't have the height because she's tall
So I didn't I would have to get up
All right, you're taller than this, right?
Yeah, I'm not a dwarf. No, I know that so how high is the bed?
Let's see the bed is this high. It's a low bed. It's a low bed. All right, but like all right
I'm not looking to be this
This is me doing doggy style, but her ass is here
All right, so what I have to do is I have to stand and do so. How tall are you?
I'm fine, but stand up. Let me just say you're next to each other
That's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, nothing like a tall chick
I know but she has to get on her stomach and I have to do it that way
No, but what if she was bent over on the bed still like standing there? You can't do that. What do you call that?
I just don't have the balance for it. I'm sorry. I don't have
All right, so now you're on the bed. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, so let's say her back is to you
Right. What makes this position exciting is that it's one of the most all right. She's supposedly a nice girl
That's why you go with yes. Okay. Allegedly
No, you know, I didn't see her in the comedy scene, you know, she's not a comic. So she's not a run around, you know
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right
So you give a direct door
Her back is to you you're messing around you're rubbing up again, whatever you're waking her up
One leg up
What is that? She'll be like what? Yeah, one leg up
So they picked the leg up so you come in from that angle
Which is a very lewd angle if you get and take some selfies of it. You'll see what I mean
Yeah, you'll want to see that. Yeah, because
The nicer the girl
The more exciting one leg up is
Ah, but she's facing away from you. What girl does that? Yeah, just no good in all. So I'm gonna say
So I say
One let me just rehearse it real quick. Okay one leg up
All right, she she'll be like
What because she's getting woken up. So you gotta get a little more like
Like like a drill sergeant. Oh
So you do it. All right. So so I'll be like so I wake up. I'll sneak in bed, right? Yeah. Yeah. Can I be the girl here?
All right. Yeah. Well, she doesn't oh, you just say
All right, so I'm in the bed and uh, good morning. Yeah, so you start like uh, like banging against her
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah like that
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Just to get a bone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like in the bone zone. Yeah, you want to get in the bone zone. Yeah, very important
It's very important. Yeah, that's half the battle
That's half the battle because you're going after the uh, the purple bacon
I don't want to use dirty words. Yeah, I get it. I get it. I get it. There's a girl on the show. Yeah. Yeah
So you want the purple bacon? Yeah
You're getting the bone zone. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
Yeah
One leg up. Yeah
What
One leg up. Okay. Okay. There you go. There we go. Yeah, this is the key. Yeah, this is the key. Yeah
They'll always go with the one leg up
Because they can't believe they're doing it themselves. Right. Okay
So you got to be ready to invade but if time that leg is up you get in there. Yeah, okay
She might start
To lower the leg a little because it burns, you know, too bad
What if she goes, I'm sorry, it burns. You know what a choke hold is, right?
Yeah, yeah
Not around her neck. Yeah. Yeah, help her out because she's a good sport. Yeah. She's got the leg
Yeah, so you wrap your arm around the thigh
With the one leg up
You know and you attack
You act as if you know how horses sometimes
No way the stirrups
So, no, yeah, you act as if
Now you got the one leg up
You got the bone in
Bone zone. Yeah, bone zone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're in the bone zone. But now you got the bone in
You know how like when you go to a restaurant
Yeah, we got the rib eye with the bone in. Yeah. Yeah. Always back
You'll wind up looking at her going
Bone in bone in. Yeah, right. I get it. Yeah, but now you got your hand free
Wait, wait, let me just let me go through this. I have both arms on her leg. No. No
Once you once you put the choke hold on the thigh. Yeah. Yeah on the chubby little thigh. Yeah
I'm just adding flavor. I know you're right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
Um, no because you're thin. You're a thin girl. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
She should actually gain a little
You know what I mean right that down gain a little bit a little more beef more beef or I can't do the
Fucking leg thing. Okay. No, you can do the leg thing
You get more of a bounce of
Okay, but now you got your fingers free to work
the other part of whatever's there.
I don't want to talk dirty words.
You know, the brown star.
The brown star.
No.
No, I don't like that.
Well, what's down there?
The taint, the brown star, and the purple bacon.
My back is to you, right?
Right. Forget the brown star.
You know what I mean?
You know, the moose lips should be enough.
You got the moose lips wrapped around the bone.
I know, but the thing is, it's your wet nib.
You made it so vague, like, all this stuff down there.
Not because the butt is against you, right, for the most part.
She needs to be able to slap her ass.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
Now I know, I'm a star. I don't know, I'm learning.
Yeah, you're already in the yoke.
Right.
You know what I mean? You're already in there.
Leave the brown star alone.
The brown star's got enough work to do.
You're right, later.
Okay, the front of her.
Oh, right, the front of her.
Yeah, the button, whatever you want to call it.
Yeah, yeah.
You worked out of...
Ah, with your fingers.
The hand that's free.
Yeah.
Right.
Because you got the arm around.
Right.
So you're doing a whole thing.
You got five fucking fingers to work with here.
Right.
So if you can't make her blow, you know, like heavy, at that point, I don't want to say
anything, but she should leave you.
She's just a fucking leave.
Yeah.
Have you ever had a girl?
Let me ask you this.
Yeah, yeah.
Have you ever had a girl that came to you with a problem?
Yeah.
That said, in her life, she's never been able to, you know, get, I don't like using that
kind of...
Is that what you fucking mean, though, come?
Yeah, I guess.
What?
I just said it.
This is a podcast.
Whatever I want.
My house.
Don't tell people that.
They already...
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, but I'm saying, have you ever had a girl come to you and say, you know, in my life?
Yeah.
Like, it's all electronics to them?
Yeah.
No good.
No good.
No.
You got to break them with a habit.
We'll dice them.
Get them in the bone zone.
We've learned so much from you, and I have to say, we could do another three hours, but
we have to wrap it up.
And it hurts me to say that.
This bothers me because...
What's the reason we're rapping?
Because Moisha is waiting now.
Yeah.
All right.
All right.
All right.
What's more fun?
I know.
What?
What's more fun?
Look at them with the watch.
What's more fun?
Why?
You know, I don't want to talk about the phones, but why?
You probably get them for free, right?
No, I had to pay for them.
I'm not there yet.
No, I'm talking about the AMOLED.
Because we build it?
Yeah.
No, we don't.
You don't have one person.
Because it's not a Samsung.
I could sneak one out of back door.
No, no, no.
Like when he's leaving the factory?
I want to...
Do we have a box of them?
Guys, I'm telling you right now, what we just did is gold.
Dear, so?
Yeah.
No.
What I'm saying is that my gratitude of you coming here...
Oh, no.
I'll do this.
This is one of the most fun ones I've ever done, because I don't even do podcasts.
Yeah, I know.
I would love to have you back, and then the next time we fucking have him, we'd never
do two back-to-back, but you fucked up.
You fucked up.
We have a legend here, and now we're going to be rude.
White guy.
There we go.
White guy.
There we go.
All right, so give Dice a round of applause, everybody.
Thank you.
All right.
Now, listen.
Listen, this is what I'm thinking.
What would be more fun and more advertising for you if Moise got so mad from waiting
that he just leaves?
I know.
We've canceled him like four times.
No, no, no.
We're not canceling him.
He's a good guy.
I met him.
Hey, guys.
Welcome to the Housekeeping.
I hope you enjoyed that podcast with the legend.
The legend.
The legend.
I'm not going to say his name.
He's just the legend.
And make sure you check out the Slepking Live, Bobby will be in Schomburg, Illinois, San
Jose, Denver, and Houston.
Coming up quick, guys.
So check out those dates and get your tickets at bobyleelive.com.
Fun fact.
Has anyone seen cats recently?
I haven't.
Anybody else in this room seen cats recently?
Please go on the mic.
Tell us what app you're using.
It's not an app.
It's just a meme on Instagram.
Well, if you guys saw cats, they all have names.
What would George's name be if he was a cat?
George is Badonka Macarena.
There it is, guys.
Badonka Macarena.
So whatever you see a new post from George on his Instagram, be like, hashtag Badonka
Macarena.
It's not Badonka Donk.
Listen.
Open your ears.
Badonka Donk?
Badonka Macarena.
Oh, it doesn't even fit.
Badonk Macarena.
Badonka.
Badonka.
George, explain yourself.
What's the origin of Badonka?
You got half of a good ass, you know?
You know what?
I like that.
Let's stick with that.
Yours is Django Wumba.
Django Wumba.
That sounds...
Why does mine sound way more ethnic than George's?
I love how George has a Badonka Macarena.
Mine is Django.
What is it?
Wumba.
Wumba.
My name is Django Wumba.
What am I?
You sound like an animal from Australia that got an animated film made about it.
Hey, look, I got that Django Wumba over there.
What is Bobby's?
Bumba?
What's his date of birth?
The 79.
The actual date.
We don't know.
The 1970.
That's a bad on us.
It's also wrong online.
Oh, is it?
Okay.
It's Bumba something.
Well, that makes sense.
Bumba.
Anyways, that was my sister.
That was random.
Go watch Cats if you want to get scared.
Guys, email us your questions at adviceunhelpful at gmail.com.
We're looking for interesting, unusual, non-typical problems, and we need your help as much as
you want ours.
So, that's adviceunhelpful at gmail.com.
You can follow George at- George underscore, Kimmel.
You can follow Bobby at Bobby Lee Live.
If anyone's still listening that doesn't know about Bad Friends Podcast is coming soon.
Who's in that?
He's got Bobby Lee and- Oh, Andrew Santino.
Wow, guys.
Red and yellow is a reality now as Bad Friends.
So, go follow them on Instagram.
The Bad Friends pod.
So, you can be updated for all the newest postings such as episode drops.
Yeah, take a look at that.
And also, follow everything KalanlaiKalambike, Tigerbelly at Tigerbelly on Instagram, and
that's Tigerbelly, at Twitter, and you can follow me at GailBitsKoron.
Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Tigerbelly ad-free on Amazon Music.
Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen ad-free with Wondry Plus in Apple
Podcast.
Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com slash
survey.