TigerBelly - Ep 233: T.J. Miller Can't Make The Make-A-Wish Kids Laugh

Episode Date: February 19, 2020

Bobo is the most charismatic dictator. TJ is big in Scandinavia. Khaly is a collector. We talk pudgy hairless losers, Norwegian nightmares, Michael Bay's funny side, oranges, and dumb cumster. Please support our sponsors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly ad free on Amazon music download the app today Hey everybody Bobby Lee's on tour Come see me live. I'll be in San Jose, California March 28th through the March 1st February 28th How do you say March 28 to March 1st, baby? No, let's start from the top five four three two Bobby Lee's on tour. Here's some of my day It's

I'm at San Jose, California February 28th of the March 1st at the San Jose Improv come see me there Denver Cockle Denver, Colorado March 12th of the 14th at the Comedy Works come see me there Houston, Texas March 27th to the 29th Houston Improv come Dallas, Texas April 3 5 At the Dallas Improv come Go to Bobby Lee live comm and grab them before they're gone because they've been selling out babies and Then if you're done listening to this episode go listen to Bad Friends a new podcast with me and Andrew

Santano Enjoy the intro song Sing it to Bobby, I bet you he doesn't know it. I do know it. What is it? How does it go? Start it and then I can do it. Is it old town town in the back of the back? That's it I'm gonna take my horse down to the street. I'm gonna re-record this with the aging country. So it wants to be relevant Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. That's it with this 12 grams of sugar my dick Don't drink sugar. I think it's so weird. I think orange juice is weird too. There's no one would sit and eat six

Yeah, you know what's weird like sometimes if I'm on a set and they have that little machine where you you squeeze the Oh, you have to cut the orange juice Right you cut the orange in half that you stick it on like a little cylinder thing juicer juice But no, it's not a squeeze thing. You squeeze it down like a press as it's turning No, it doesn't even fucking turn the old school ones. What is it? Oh, just listen, okay? So you turn it yourself turn the fucking cameras on When I'm in Hawaii No, but sometimes when I do Magnum PI when I'm in Hawaii, all right, it's a show and

Oh, I yeah, did you lower this Mike? Please? Please thank you Gabby So um when I do Magnum in the mornings right they have this little cylinder thing right and you cut it orange in half And you stick that half of the orange on thing and then you squeeze it down and underneath the juice comes out and it gives you This much juice is tiny bit of juice. Yeah, so you have to do 40 to 50 of them to render a full get a whole thing half a glass of fucking orange juice I think they get a lot more with in Greenwich Village where we live. There's a like health food marketplace It's very strange called lifetime. It's not spelled like regular. It's T. H. Y. M. E. You guys back back the fuck off

And so they have one where the whole oranges go in yeah, and they like cut it and peel it and it goes But it's really funny to me that people will drink two glass orange juice But no one would ever sit and eat like 12 orange Yeah, you have a couple glass orange juice at brunch, but no one would like be like Um, I'll have all of the sausage scrambles that beat this vegan chorizo. Okay, great I'll have that and then would you bring me a bowl of 12? That'll be refreshing As I eat them all just shoot the champagne. That's how I do

Call me crazy call me Carol call me Or let's say this is TJ's brought to you by manscaped. Yeah, fuck not a fuck not TJ This is how we start I I start the show. We're gonna put all that in by the way That was a great bit, but But don't say anything until I see your name, okay, okay, because I love you so much, okay So go ahead do the countdown five but I want you to stop. I want you to keep all that stuff in All right, so make notes about that. Yeah. Yeah, put a note down. Do you have a pad paper? All right, cool notebook, so go ahead five four three two

Yeah You shit Do we have all that? We're keeping that in so we've got um in the room sat in the orange juice fits welcome to make me welcome to make it in Hollywood welcome to tiger's belly I'm you're grabbing me on the show. This is 70,000. Wow What is in there? $70,000. Is that how you get paid now for shit? That's how I'm

Is it really cash in there or no, there's $70,000 in there So we've got Gabby in the room give Gabby a round of applause Not my name you Gabriel for you. Yeah. Yeah, we got my coming me. Oh, no, you're the girl friend Yeah, we got my girlfriend Kalilah. We got no lips With the horses shirt. Oh, he's this is so exciting. So no lips is Following a new musician a musical instrument person. Yeah, he plays a bad view of instruments I think and his name is little nace at Keese He's sort of a fusion Hawaiian which you know about that from

And and it's it's also country, but it's not country. It's kind of rap. It's not rap It's a young kid who want to be famous and tried to be a YouTube personality That didn't work and they tried doing clip shows and they wanted to movie reviews and that didn't work And then he bought a track for like $4 and then it became this huge viral sensation And then he sort of re-recorded it with an agent country star wants to be relevant It's not that it's kind of like Bullshit, you know, I mean I like what you're doing this because that's how you swim, right? No, that's how I creep into a room Oh, I'm gonna

Haunted house in the summers that I take October off. I wish you would fuck that way that'd be cool way to fuck I fucked that way It's called the sneak She's like, whoa, I'm having what I think is an oh, no, I had an orgasm Okay, you got George up in the room George I love George's avatar. Yeah, he uses the Apple avatar Quite accurate. I love these new avatars that are accurate. I don't like these ones I've got one look you're you guys are on that you guys are on you have cameras in here

So I like these accurate avatars and so mine looks Pull it up here. Yeah, so here we go. This is this is mine. It's kind of all of those. That's mine Wow, yeah And so that's mine It's like she has a monocle. So I want to say I want to introduce this next episode this next guy I know but I have to introduce you first fuck. I think by now people I know but anyway All right, so this guy 60. He's one of my friends And I've had so many good experiences with this guy. I love him so much. You about it. We've been

Yeah, yeah, so we've been friends for a while. We've done shit together. I've always Yeah, yeah, so how about a round of applause tg fucking focus tg miller everybody clap your hands There you go, yeah curtsy Yeah Tg I don't want to say there's two memories. I have with you. I bet I know one of them tell me one I came and I did your you just bought a house and I came and I did your show tiger belly No, so one of them right was you and I did a Chelsea lately when when we're Wanda Sykes remember Wanda Sykes Yeah, that's right. She didn't look at us. No, right

She didn't talk to us. She didn't talk to us or look at us And the reason why we did it was because I got a call saying Wanda requested you TJ and somebody else I don't know. Oh, right, right. Yeah, because she thought that that would be the safest easiest She was like, I think part of it was she was not comfortable Doing Chelsea show because she's not really like Chelsea. Yeah at all And so I think that she thought that with the three of us it would be a safer It'd be cake kind of it. Hey, cuz I cuz I know her. Yeah, and you know her, right? So I'm like excited to fucking to do it

Mm-hmm, and then we show up and it's like hi Wanda and she's just like she wouldn't even dead. I yeah She wouldn't even look at yeah in between Looked at her cards. Yeah, I feel like the first break all of us were like Cuz it was clear she didn't want to talk so we didn't know what to do Who was the third person? I forgot with the third one. It was another ringer. It was another like yeah, and it was really good Yeah, but it they were equally uncomfortable. It wasn't like Whitney Cummings or somebody that would be like Wanda I just want to say We it was just all three uncomfortable. Yeah, I feel like one of us I don't I don't think it was me

But it could have been knowing me We were all The second break. I think somebody was like, you know, it's really fun Beyond with yours and she was just like She didn't listen, that's exactly yeah, and I remember looking at TJ going what what is going on? We did have a I think we had a couple moments. We were like looking around go. What the fuck is going on? Did she hate us but after it when it was all said and done even if she's trying to psychs our mind Sikes your mind dude

She really got a psychs to go to the show with her because I remember one time I totally psyched out many years ago. Wanda like out. I Was in Vegas many like 15 years ago, and I couldn't get any money out of my ATM Okay, and want it was just push my glass And Wanda goes a you have no money Lee And I go that's pretty good pressure. Yeah, I go. No. He's like she's like he is 800 She gave me $800. Wow. What a good lady. Yeah, it's not quite $70,000 cash, but fuck is in there man. It's not for you. I'm just I wanted to put it out there to show you guys that

I have second thing that you and I went through I can't was at the laugh factory Remember that we're at the laugh factory. Yeah, that's what I thought that was when I was gonna get yeah. Yeah Yeah, it was Dane Cook's first time back doing stand-up. Yes Yes, and it was it was the most interesting thing because I hadn't done the laugh factory a lot at that point I you know, it wasn't I just got past but I I serve I think I was probably working and so I got up as much as I possibly could and It was me you Orlando Jones And somebody said these here we go definitely on that one. Oh, definitely. He was definitely there that was an Orlando Jones And I that's for sure

And he Dane Cook came in and they said hey Dane's gonna go up Before he did he bump you he bumped you both of us. It was he already big big at this. Yes. Yeah He hadn't done stand-up. He was huge. He was okay But he had left stand-up and he hadn't done stand-up in at least a year. He was doing movies and stuff like that He was doing is I had seen him I think he his three movies kind of you know that three strikes and you're out in Hollywood You go to like movie star jail or director jail. And so you did three moves. I'm not in contact with you a lot more than with Bobby

And so he kind of He kind of at this point taking time, you know, this is after his brother-in-law sold out money from him And yeah, I think he was trying to take time for himself and I saw him in running in Canyon during that point And I was like, oh, you're doing spots around time. I didn't know him, but Are you in spots around town? He's like, no, actually, I'm taking a break from stand-up. It's been out six months so so this apparently I didn't know this the time it was the first time that he didn't stand up in over a year and He bumped us and I think that you were going up after him But you as soon as he bumped us Bobby sort of started to get ready to leave the building. Oh, I put my jacket

Oh, yeah, that's right. That's why he just knew he was gonna be up there. You're way too here. Okay, sorry Just like I don't blow this punch It's gonna be out of control. It's like the oranges bit. It just keeps giving No, so so we so I didn't know that I didn't I didn't know anything about Dane cook and never been in a show where he got up and I said to Bobby. I go, what are you doing? He's like, I'm leaving and I was like, you're you're coming back. He's like, no And I was like, well, where are you going? And he's like, no man, no man, and and he just left. He just he did not tell anybody because I'm not I'll tell you why

All right You I'll tell you fucking why all right. He's because I'm not gonna wait Three hours to do a fucking spot. You would make a really charismatic dictator I'm saying it because you just you're scary Yeah, when you're very vehement about something. Yeah, but you also are just really a lot of fun to listen to Yeah, like if I had a regime and somebody fucked up, I'd like get inside the box Yeah, yeah Like the way he says box. I'm gonna I'm gonna march straight to my own death

But he so I didn't know that so I I thought he was gonna do 20 minutes or something But he didn't he did like an hour. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and it was might have been like an hour 15 And I got up there and I was I was having drinks. So it's drinking. So I like had a drink and I was watching I had another drink like, you know, you're drinking while you're watching this guy do an hour now You're an audience member. You're not gonna get up. Yeah, and then he started being really mean to the audience Like first of all, he's talking about chainsaw fucking a girl, which I don't even I can't even right now Tell you what I think that would even be Unless you're a fucking girl with a chainsaw like some seven shit

But I just had no idea and then he told this guy in the front row. He was like, so are you alone? You're alone. You look like you're alone and the guy was like, yeah Yeah, I'm alone. He's like, you know why cuz you're bald. See you're bald And so girl doesn't want to be with you cuz you don't have any hair. You're just kind of a pudgy loser And so that's why you're alone, you know and a lot of you out there alone And I'm alone and I was dating this porn star and I was fucking her like really hard from behind and then I just took it I'm I just like slipped it into her butt and she was like, what are you doing? And I was like, come on. It's just part of your work or something or like, you don't take your work home with you

I was like and I'm paraphrasing everything. Yeah, like what is happening and it made me really angry Mostly just that he was so mean to that guy. So then I just went on a Twitter rant This was before this was about when I didn't understand that I was mildly famous I thought I was still just a guy who had some people following him on Twitter because of some movies and stuff But I looked at other people and they had like lots of followers. So I was like probably I'd like 30,000 followers something like that. And so I didn't think that anyone except for my followers would ever see that And so I just went on a rant where I just was like, this is why you're not a movie star This is why people aren't buying tickets to stuff because you're mean to your audience

You're terrible your audience. You're talking about chainsaw fucking girls because I hate that stuff almost There's only one thing I hate more than just being disgusting and derogatory and mean spirit about women It's just being mean to the audience that is in front of you and pointing out a guy and being like you're a loser And you're bald and you're pudgy. It's like what what they did that guy head to the laugh factory Did you think that's what they were making at the laugh factory? No giggles this time just sad insult He just goes home and his wife's like he was just alone there. He goes home and his wife's like, how was the show? You know, it's so great that you got to go out and be out on your own I was so happy to take care of the kids. I just you've been working so hard. He's like, I'm a pudgy

Told you that Dane cook the star of good luck Chuck And so I auditioned for that movie four times. Did you really roll one of them? But I didn't know the one I bet the one that one of the boyfriends. I didn't get it the His friend who was played by I didn't get it the other guy that didn't get Balls of fury the ping-pong movie. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. And so both of them. It was so strange He didn't understand I had a great conversation with Nick Swanson about this that Dane Cook thought that if you're a really famous stand-up and he was so he's the most famous stand-up for a while And he's like I'm a really famous stand-up and people I think people in Hollywood told him this but he was like

So I'm the most famous stand-up. So now I'm going to be a movie star And it's like that is not how it works Hollywood does not decide who movie stars or television stars are America decides that and what America really hates is when you tell them This is a movie star now, and they just don't and Dan it happened to Dan Fogelman, too These are very funny people that if they don't have an experience acting Swartz and I were talking about how you want to be in like This little thing and then a part in this and then you're really funny and a scene from here And then you're the best friend in this movie and then it's an ensemble and you're the person That's like this and you have to get America to trust you and then once they trust you you can go

Hey, it's just me or it's just me and this other guy and it's just us You can't kind of take two people that Holly was like these are the next new things and America's like they still do that Now they're not they still do it. Of course they do they don't they they don't seem to they don't seem to understand that you would By in stand-ups understand this you if you empower your audience They're much more likely to pay you again to support you. That's what they want the audience wants to be empowered Hollywood still feels like we're gonna tell you what you're going to like and I'm sure that you'll like it and they don't lean Oh, they'll say you want more Star Wars and America's like don't tell us what And then they're like but you like Rogue one and they're like yeah, that was different and they're like no it wasn't

Here's more Star Wars. Here's Han Solo when he was younger and everyone's like Team part solo when he was Han Solo solo from the Han Solo Yeah, that he was in the movies or cast a guy that looks like fucking Han Solo. It was really weird the whole thing was weird They all had to do that they had to try their best to make that yeah, it's like the Emoji movie one of the greatest This is not a laughing part. Okay, this would be like if he were a little Nas X shirt It was the timing and the way you delivered it. Yeah, well, I'm serious And the greatest talking bear comedy in the history of talking bear comedies. Are you here that's that Farland? I'll fight you tg. I feel the same way about kicking at old school. Yeah, you do kid. Yeah issue. What it should have wanted a fucking Oscar

So I even said great So I So I think that's very bizarre that they but you know when you're put in something like that You know, I I did the emoji when I did a pass on it You try and make that thing the best that it can be and then you have parents the sevens to me all the time I for shows come up and go. Thank you so much. The Emoji movie is like very it's more than tolerable It's kind of fun to watch with the kids and they want to watch it over and over because they love it That's what that's the best version of that

But if you say like all right, I'm gonna be in an R-rated comedy I'm a movie star now because I'm gonna stand up comedy star and then he goes and he made like three bad movies like really quickly Yeah, and then that's it and it's like it's such a bummer But I I was ran Don't you do that? But don't you do that though is a case of what Paulie went through where Paul? Just you know, right? So the first three scripts. Wait, I want to say something before you After and see no he got three three But also son-in-law

Was yeah, I was good. You know when I when I came here you told me that every you thought that those were flops, right? I grew up in the Philippines. There were no bigger movies around that time than in the army now So we all know we all know the saying about the Philippines There are no flops in the Philippines. There are no flop flop is spelled with a pH This is if you do something clever on Tiger Bell everyone's like But you know how heartbreaking it was for me to for when you said those were well Yeah, they didn't do well here when that was my childhood basically go watch them. Yeah, and I was in Nama I loved everything Paulie. What do you think? What about Paulie shore really connected with the Filipino?

What do you think it was? I think everything connects to the Filipino culture. We're very light hearted. We're silly anything Yeah, we were we think genocide is a blast You know, we love Hitler documentaries. Those are hysterical to us I think no Paulie exudes a sort of a down-to-earthy kind of every day. He's also silly It's strange and I'm doing I did Scandinavia last year and I'm doing a European tour this year and I went to Scandinavia. I was like, I wonder if they'll get any of the stuff And so the Scandinavian booker this guy was like, oh, no, you're gonna do great And I was like, okay. He's like, no, I'm serious. You're gonna do really well. I was like, all right

Okay, now it's just getting weird. I'm kind of like, okay, relax We should get off the elevator and and and I went there and it was like huge I sold like 800 tickets in Oslo and I went sold out bug and and Stavanga and went to Copenhagen and the net and it was so was what were you I would be so because She's trying to get me do a European thing No, no, but the few do you realize that if we look at our demographics our breakdown of who listens to Tiger Belly number four on the list is Sweden. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think so I also stock home

So part of it is I think that they like really energetic people You and I are really silly and we're all over the place and you take off your clothing and I have sort of a lot of insecurities about my toddler body, so I Juggle and have a trombone. I've got a ventriloquist on me that has a smaller ventriloquist on me There's a smaller ventriloquist on me that has a slightly larger ventriloquist on me And they like really silly stuff and they like a lot of energy because they don't do that in Norway. Everybody is really You know, and that's where I did the best But everybody's really they they don't really laugh very hard

If they if like what we've all been laughing when we've all laughed hard tonight. We're like That version of that for them is like So it's very strange. Yeah, and they don't they don't really they don't talk to each other They're very stoic, so it's very funny to them that a person would be able to be like, oh, here we go That seems so insane. They would never happen in their culture and so but I still didn't get it You know, there it's a very strange culture that you would love you would love Scandinavia for a lot of reasons But one of them is they do things very strangely, so they all get blackout drunk on As soon as Friday night comes they all get blackout drunk and they stay pretty drunk during the day on the weekends

But then they get blackout drunk at night and this is real you can say to somebody is it truly you guys get black? They're like, yeah, of course That's how we meet people and so they go to these bars and they do it the opposite of how Americans do it So what they do is I find this so fast. I love Norway. I love I love it so what they do is they you meet a girl and You would never ask for her phone ever ever you would never do that You never ask her to dinner you never do that but if you kind of get along you're both really drunk then you go home and you have sex and

Then the next day if she kind of likes you she'll tell you what bar? She'll be at next weekend because they all kind of go to the same bars because you have to you can't just go to some random bar You say did you wait with TJ? Did you do that? No, you have a girlfriend, right? Oh, my wife Oh, you're married. Yeah, you didn't do it. Kate wouldn't know how the fuck you know this. She okay, so because it's like common knowledge Oh, everyone will know and there's also a book about Norwegian culture that explains this But I asked a lot of people they're like, yeah, that's how it works So they would so then you have sex and then she says come to I'll be at this bar if you want to come meet me So then you go to that bar and then if you see her again

And you guys kind of have a good time then you go home you have sex, right? And then she'll tell you again the next bar that you're gonna go so then on the third time if you go and you have sex and it goes And in that morning you would maybe have the balls to be like can I have your phone number and She would give your phone number then you would text for a while and then maybe you continue to have sex and then You would maybe say would you like to go to dinner? So that's that's the and the reason is because they're very uncomfortable Socially now they don't give a fuck about fuck it because to them they're all they're all Vikings They're all these Nordic that they hike the everybody has a heater, which is like a cabin where there's no electricity or anything

I know what a heater is job. We have heaters to heat up that we have that So so just real quickly if George was in that situation He would have sex with a girl and she would be like next weekend I'll be at this bar George will go to that bar the next weekend and she's not there Yeah, you know and but he was having a bar for eight hours looking around for She just wanted to make sure that he didn't go to any bar she could have decided to go to so but to finish the Norwegian thing It's like so that's so strange, right? And and then you would go and then you go to dinner. What's the opposite in?

In the United States, right? And it's because the nightmare of a Norwegian is to go to dinner to have all this sex Of course it goes. Well, then you go to dinner and you just don't know what to say. So you're just sitting there Totally, I get that and then you go So how do you like to fish? And then the girl's like yeah, and you're like I Asked how do you like fish? Is that fish and she's like yeah, that would be a fucking nightmare

In the United States what we do is you ask the number you take your a nice restaurant you sort of try and be funny And engaging and you're interesting and these are your hobbies, but you're interested in her What are her hobbies you make her feel special you brought flowers Then you go on another date maybe and and then you know and you want to take her to a movie or something You spend money on her because it's the opposite for us. They're not worried about the fucking they're worried about the social stuff I we are not so worried about the social part It's just you want her to be like when you have when you can't get an erection or you're bad at sex You wonder in the morning to be like, yeah, but he's really funny and he's so cute

So I'll have sex with them again and see if it goes better. It's such a bizarre. It's like their whiskey dick is Do you like the fish? Yeah, when I was a young man? I probably took out six girls probably went on four or five days bought dinner and When I tried to make a move. Yeah, they go. I just want to be friends Did that frustrate you you're you're a guy that you're so charismatic that girls would be like all it's weird about that Is they're kind of like I will do anything to be friends with this guy including Kind of bringing him along. Yeah, but that's fucking highway robbery Well, it's horrible. It's highway robbery and let me say something right now. Okay, their intentions from the beginning was just to Do the friend thing

But then they do magic and they try to You know I got a I got a quarter out of your ear, right and then all of a sudden I'm in a friend zone I already paid for six fucking dinners. You're in the whole financially my friend No, no, I mean I mean within the scope of that relationship. I think you this is a beautiful house You have a totally new mailbox outside. You're doing just fine. Okay, but I thank you so much So I have a podcast called cashing in with TJ Miller and it's with host cash levy And he tries to get different guests on you have different guests on but he hasn't been able to so I'm the only guest

That's been on in six years and about 200 episodes. Yeah, and No, we do it here and he also tours with me and then we'll do it on the road So we just kind of do it wherever we can but let me just let me just ask you a couple questions real quick Please do you live in New York? You live in New York. Yes, I live in Greenwich Village in New York in low Manhattan. Yeah, but you lived here for so long I lived here for eight years. Yeah, we miss you here. You hated it. Yeah, and I can't I the thing is is it's like I didn't have Enough friends like you and I didn't do enough of like hey Bobby. Let's go get drinks and stuff I was so invested in work and doing sets all the time and

And and the friends that I had kind of dissipated into the ether I have I have my best friends live here when I moved to New York It was really weird because like we bought this house was fucking amazing Okay, all the kids friends were there. She's a famous insulation artist And so she she got a studio in Chelsea, which is like the right place to get a studio We live in this very specific part in Manhattan. That's like the nicest three blocks and all this stuff and And I got there and we like moved in our place is super dope when I was like terraces and it was like so awesome And and then I was like wait a second. I don't have any friends

And it was the weirdest moment. I remember the day I was like I'm friends with Kate and I hang out with her friends, but I all my friends Live in Los Angeles and it was really weird And it was like, you know when you go to college or something you move and you don't have any friends You have to make friends and so I had like that six months or a year where I was trying to kind of make friends That I realized doesn't really matter because I spent four days on the road So I'm only in New York for three days So I sort of follow Kate around like a puppy and just I'm like, what are you doing today?

She's like, I'm gonna get my hair blown out. I'm like, ooh, can I come and then I'll go and I'll drink champagne and watch her Get her hair blown out and then I'll be like, what are you doing now? She's like, I was gonna maybe go get acupuncture I was like, can I sit in the waiting room and then I'll go and sit in the waiting room and I'll sort of think about She when she got her hair blew out, she had a couple different options Interesting that she went with the mermaid option because that's one of the different options And then she'll come out and I'll be like, how's the acupuncture and she was like good one of them kind of hurt And then I'll say, what are you doing now? She's like, I'm gonna go to lifetime

TH Y M E and I'm gonna probably get some soup Can I come then I follow her to go and get the soup and I'm like, I wonder which needle hurt and where I bet it was one of the Ones in one of her more sensitive areas, but she has a phobia of needles. So maybe it could have been any single one of the Needles and then she'll be like, I'll be like, what are you doing now? She's like, I'm gonna go back to the house and I'll go, can I come? She's like, yeah, you live there and I'm like, okay She says you even have keys. You don't have to ask me and I'm like, okay And then as we go back home, I'm like, I wonder how hot the soup is that she got because she didn't try it

So did she think maybe she'll wait a while before she tries? Yeah, yeah, and then it's Thursday day and I'm and I get up and I'm like fuck now I got to go to the airport and then I go to the airport and then on Monday I land and I'm like, I wonder what Kate's doing today Okay, what are you doing today? She's like, well, I'm gonna go get my hair blown out and it just continues like that in perpetuity like my tour TJ Miller touring in perpetuity Tickets are available at TJ Miller does not Have another question I have more questions I have another one of these George. Yeah, what do you want to do this one? No, this one has a hundred and ten calories and let me ask you

Three milligrams of iron. Listen. No, thanks. Fucker. Fucker. I've seen both dead pools Probably about you have I haven't five. Are they good? How's the second one? I love the second one. Okay, amazing But can I just say something ask me a question? I am I'm sitting here I'm doing I know you probably hate compliments, but dude, you're so fucking funny in those movies Thank you, sir. And I want to ask you something. No, what about this? You're out of these we ran out of those why you take something take her out too many times Yeah, you're gonna six in or she would like what you ran money that fuck financially in the whole fucking dead pool movies

Like we there was a scene where Ryan Reynolds his face is all fucked up, right and you you said you say that his face looks like an Avocado, yeah, did you improvise those lines? Listen, here's the deal with Deadpool The writers are fucking brilliant both those guys are amazing and Paul Wernicke is like they both of them are just fucking they are so specific They can tweak stuff so well then Ryan Reynolds is like a really brilliant writer and improviser Yeah, I think he got mad at me because I teased him on hot ones I was kind of making fun of how he's so funny, but he's so handsome and that gets in the way

So in dead cover it up his beautiful face Yeah, and then you didn't see him and so you everybody's able to understand how he's fucking brilliant He's really small. He's a fast improviser very fast, but he throws lines as well as a writer And then I'm an improviser by trade and also writer and so what that was was that a combination of four people and Tim Miller And the first one and David Leach in the second one all kind of throwing lines I guess it's like I've never done anything with Judd Apatow because I'm not interested in that click really but like It's not a big deal, but I Guess those guys throw

Lines a lot like I'm homies with Jay bearish on stuff. So he said that they they throw lines from that You know they'll throw a line, but we would all sort of huddle up like I'll try this try this try this try this try this But a lot of those like the your face looks like Freddie Krueger fucked a topographical map. You know such that's mine cake out of me a topographical Peru in a rug form. We have that in our place in New York But yeah, like it said they would be like your face looks like an old or an avocado And I would be like what if it's an older avocado fucked and yeah, yeah That was like eight bucked and on so I sort of riff same in Silicon Valley

I kind of about 30% of what I'm doing is completely rift and then I try and bring something to table But after about let me ask you this because I because I obviously have done Some stuff before and yeah a lot of stuff. I know but all of it's been fun All right, but the thing is is that um you had one mad TV sketch that I didn't care for A little bit racy for my tasties. Which one was it? And here's why yeah, yeah, I don't even I don't like to speak of it. Yeah, but is it is it one of those Are you not in living color where you read what you read you you do what's written and then do you say to the director? Can I get a pass? Yeah, I always do

No, I can I get a pass that's when I like say something that's stupid. I'm like, can I get a pass you guys? Can you not really think of that the fact that I just did that? No, I'll sort of I always do it as rich For sure, and I want to get it as written in a way that they like and then I'll just do if it's a joke slot I'll just like throw lines over and over until they say oh, we've got it or let's move on or Sometimes I'll do like you know, I'll do I'll just like riff like a line a line a line a line and then I'll be like Oh that the third one was great, and then I'll do that again, and then I'll do it again And I'm happy with those three possible choices and I'm like, okay, we got it. Let's move on But I you know I'd say after a couple movies people in town started to understand that there's a lot of people

They started to understand that if you hire me you're hiring somebody who's not really going to do The lines like Michael Bay was really weird about He's it was such a strange thing. He's really as interesting Strange like really really sweet guy who fucking is crazy to work with I worked with him before what did you work with me? He physically assaulted. Well. Oh, yeah What did you work with me? I did a Pepsi commercial Ah, no. Yeah, it was peps peps. Yeah, it was peps big. Yeah. It was a pepsi commercial. Yeah Is that where he turned your head into the light? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god, really?

Yeah, so there's I've told this before long time ago. Yeah, but I haven't heard it. I'll tell you I'll tell you so um So me and Eric stone street. You like Eric. Yeah. Yeah. Who is he? I thought modern family I just wanted the skirt to keep going Yeah, that's all I wanted. He's all modern family. He's the gay fat gay guy man. Oh, I love him. Yeah He's one of my favorite fat gay guys As far as fat gay guys go you might be number one So I was young dude and um, they hired us as towel boys for kim cattrell Yeah, so she's a bathtub. Oh, yeah, sure. I know that is

Sex in the city Bobby She's great very a list a list a list. Yeah a list so then um So basically I'm coming in. I'm a towel boy. She's in the bathtub And I'm supposed to walk into this room with like 15 towels. They attach so it looks like I'm balancing it And I walked into this bathroom. She's in the bathtub And the light wasn't hitting my face because of the towels. Yeah, and he goes

Hey kid Your face has to be in the light. Oh god that right and I I'm so new At you know at doing shit. He thinks because it's intuitive to him He doesn't understand that you wouldn't see it as a director and know that it's ridiculous to not have your face in the light Yeah, but keep going. Yeah. Yeah, so I I walk in and I don't know what he's saying and I keep going to eric's nose Because he's writing back at me. I'm like, I don't know what he means Oh, I can't see no lie. That's all I said. I don't see the lie accent came out. Yeah, the accent comes out right right

Action do it again cut the lie. He would say and you know after a six seven and that kim controls in a bathtub just Going this fucking kid, right? Yeah. Yeah, and then he gets from behind, you know video village Comes out to me. He grabs my head like this Right like like this. Yeah, and he goes here Here like that, right? And I'm now like tears. Oh, no are welling up in my eyes. Like I'm scared. Yeah Well, and in your like I think at that age you're sort of like I've now my career is over Yeah, I fucked up and this guy's gonna tell everybody in town. I don't know what the lights are. Yeah

But it just didn't ever work with me. So that's really scary. Yeah, well he He never he never touched my cheeks, which I actually look back on with remorse With regret and and so remorse I'm I hate that I did that that I didn't let him touch the cheekies um He but he he was he's like kind of funny and I asked him once I said, why do you like yell so much and you're yell at people and all this stuff because here's the thing He's really he's really a sweet guy like I was dating this terrible girl At that point and she'd come out and she's visiting me and then we got a fight and on my birthday

She left she flew back home to Los Angeles And so during the day I was shooting and he's like, where's your girlfriend? What do you do tonight for your birthday and I was like, oh she left to go back home and he's like what? I said, yeah, we got in a fight and she left to go home. He's like on your birthday and I go. Yeah, he's like You know what? We're gonna take you off for sushi tonight Me and his assistant he's like Mike and I are gonna take you off for sushi So we'll take you out and we're gonna get you sushi and that's gonna be your birthday And I was like, oh this guy's so nice and just 10 minutes ago. He was like tj say you're not you're not improvised

We hired you to say funny things. We're driving. It's just silence silence. You think the audience is going to be like Oh, I love it silent. No, you say funny things when the cameras were like, that's your job You get it? Yeah, and he would say he would say uh, he could always say you know I can cut you out of the movie and I would yell at him I'd be like Please Michael cut me out of the movie because then I don't have to be here listening. You fucking yelling at me the whole time and the the crew was very confused by this Nobody would really yell back at him

But I always I think that's why these people like like I'll I make Steven Spielberg's really funny So I would tease him all the time and wallberg and I are friends kind of cause I'll I'll make fun of him a lot And nobody really makes fun of him So I'd be yelling in my Michael Bay and it was so it's so weird. So we went to sushi and he's like He's a lot of fun. He's like he kind of drink. I think it's because he's so like He's just such an intense dude He and he really he gets along well with marines and stuff like that's his mentality

He's like adrenaline and flesh form. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's exactly and so he he can really he'll drink a martini and a couple of sips and another martini and So we were drinking and I finally I was like Can I ask you like It's just I had all these questions because I also am really interested in these people and I like movie stars And I like blockbuster directors. Those are all interesting things to me because I'm not really an actor I'm not like a good actor or something. Yeah, you are shut the fuck up No, no, that's dumb. This is I'm not fishing for compliments. Well, I'm giving you one. You're looking at me right now, bro

No, here's no, no, I want it. You're dumb because you have such low standards that you look at what I do and you're like He's a really good actor. Oh, that's offensive to me because I should be I'll tell you why I'm a paying customer Yeah, that's right, right and I'm a fucking uh, I'm an audience member as well. I'm empowering the audience All right, so I'm telling you this I'm telling you this right now son. Gabby Yeah, Gabby and son son young son. Yeah, young son s un Right talk to you after the show is that when I bought tickets for Deadpool and I'm watching you right in the beginning I wasn't rooting for you

Nice. All right. I wasn't rooting for you out of coffee. No I'm thinking to myself. You know what? Let's see what tj does here, right? And we're rooting for me the human being no Right, right. I was not rooting for the character. No you with the character. Are you as a human being right? Fucking dumb right and I'm watching you and I literally like once you see your first couple lines I kind of just looked up and went he's killing it. That's very nice of you I mean not to in the beginning not like you. Do you know that that's a form of Persuasion theory that if you tell somebody I didn't like you in the beginning and then you said but after a while

I liked you people people really they'll like you more for saying that than if you're like first time I met you And that's why I fucking said it friend. I'm a fucking psychology. Oh my god And I tell you what happened to me last week. I have to talk about it Go ahead. So I reoccur on the show called Magnum PI. Fuck. Yeah, you do You called it Magnum. Yeah, it's not you can't do a one-off and just call it Magnum So I show up and this is my fourth one. I'm in Hawaii And in the morning I see I see Robocop The Robocop. Yeah, Peter Weller. Yeah, who's a who's a teacher now professor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's a doctor

He's a dog. You have to call him doctor Peter Weller. Oh, would that be great to have Robocop as your doctor? Yeah, dead or alive. You're coming actually if you're dead, you're not coming with me. We call the mortuary. Yeah So I'm on set. He's riffs. I've done are amazing and you guys that was very good That was very but it's weird because this is a group of comedy people and comedy people do that sometimes something's funny I love how self-conscious you get you're killing the fucking game right now. Shut the fuck up. Okay You know that not Kim Jong-un Kim Jong-il. Yeah, there was a story about how he hired He hired a sushi chef. It did. Right. Yeah, and then um the sushi chef wrote like an op-ed and for I don't know Where but he said that he would go on jet ski races with his employees

Or with his right-hand men and if you beat him in a jet ski race, he would shoot you and kill you like right then and there But if you didn't pose a challenge, he would also shoot and kill you So there was a very delicate balance of having to kind of give him a good race, but not quite win Oh my god to push him to his best but not beat him I don't really like those guys I know that's the strongest that you take the pc police are gonna get me on this one But I don't I'm not a huge fan of those guys. So go ahead. So back to fucking so you said dictator. So I had to That was very good. No, I like that's crazy. But that's you. Yeah

It's like that north. Okay, so you would do that when north korea when north korea, right? went went to the world cup, right and they lost to portugal eight to one, right The fucking coach of the north korean team had to work at a mining Jesus he had to carry rocks for a month Back and forth Wow. Yeah. Anyway, um, so I'm on set early in the morning. Hold on. It's on magam It's on the pi You know, I don't like your tone. Why because it's not silicone valley fuckface. No

You get so self-conscious. You're fucking killing the game. All right. Anyway, I would do any bit parts of network to your television Shit. Anyway, um, in the morning, I'm and he's directing and I'm not a huge fan because I saw him in that star trek movie And he walks out to me and he this is what he says Don't fuck this up What was his opening line robocop? Yeah, and he walked away What the fuck is going on right I did one so I did one take right and I hear cut and then he goes Engel jelly Engel jelly

Right and now I never thought person would ever say that to bobby league. Yeah, then I fart and poop like little Pooh was coming you started here. Sorry. Yeah, fear pooh's fear food. Yeah. Yeah. It was a show after fear factor Yeah, I went farting Right and that's the name of my chinese crest And um, the stars of the show are good friends of mine now perdita and um, jane, they're like, he's that's who he is He's great. He doesn't mean you know, this is robocop. Yeah robocop And all week long he was like that so that the last day of shooting I had one line

I couldn't even say I just because I just didn't want to be there. You know, I mean, I just was not having fun I you know, I the pressure was way too much for what it was the whole point of all of this is to be fun And on transformers, I the last day I got up at like 6 a.m. Went into the steam room We're in like trump tower in Chicago weird And I went down in the steam room and I just sat there for like an hour and I kept this real I kept saying to myself don't quit It's the last day you don't have to quit you don't have to make a point You don't have to blow up at him. You don't have to yell at him. Just don't quit

You don't need to well bring at one point when we were in a field. He turned to me. He's like you would quit if you could What do you mean? And he goes you would quit if if you knew it wouldn't fuck up your whole shit in Hollywood You would totally quit and I was like, yeah, I would I really would and then he goes I know but but it's what strange is so at the sushi place. I said to him I said um, you know what I wanted to ask him questions. I'm like, so What uh, how do you do the work ethic? You see if it's really strong work ethic and I have similar work ethic So is Walberg, but have you figured out like how do you do the the girl thing? How do you how do you how do you

Acclimate a woman into that life and he just kind of was like, I don't know. I haven't really figured that out yet but Yeah, it's really difficult and then I was kind of like what um Uh, you know, I asked him like what kind of drives the work ethic. What is it? He's like, you know, I just think Yeah, you just want to make these things that are great and people like them And so you want to make them even better and it just takes a lot of work So I just I keep keeping you know, you just make it better make it better make it better make it better Nice and then what about the terrible reviews? Like you get such big critics attack you

This is people don't ask these people. Yeah. I actually are quite interested He said, well, you know, Peter Travers gave me a bad review and I just sent him the scathing letter And it was really it was kind of a mistake and so I sent him some letters afterwards But he just I don't think he'll ever I asked him to lunch even I really did I mean, this is all Michael Bay being like Sweet and vulnerable and I was like, yeah, why wouldn't you reach out and maybe It would be nice if Peter Travers would sit down and kind of go tell me about your process That's if you're this huge film critic, why wouldn't you want to have dinner with the but instead Peter Travers is like

I don't do this popcorn movie trash, you know So kind of to me made me look at Peter Travers like Ugh and at Michael Bay like wow and then I said, why do you yell at people so much? You're always yelling at people and you tell them they're doing this wrong I saw me all this is like DGA assistant and he was like, yeah This is why he'll never be a director because I asked you for just a list of the stunts and you come back with fucking nothing and he said I was so fascinating he goes

Um, because you know, everybody says like, hey, look the fish things from the head down But everybody on those sets were really nice and I was and they work for him over and over Yeah, and I said, why do you guys keep working from there? Like, well, it's really hard Then you make the movie and then it comes out and everybody loves it and you see it and it's so awesome And then you kind of forget about what it was like And then he asked you to do it again And you're like, uh, but I need to get paid more and he's like I can't and then he like pays you out of pocket But it's so that he can make you can make the budget small, but he pays the people well

So he is like oscar winning sound mixers and stuff that are working for him And so then he like, um, he said Well, everybody complains on a movie set, right? Is that what everybody does? Everybody just sits around and complains because everybody has so much time So wardrobe complains about the sound department sound department complains about how the camera department keeps complaining about the sound department And you know all the pa is complaining about how long it's taking for the assistant director to get the director actually do it He was like, I give them all one thing to complain about That's me and so everybody complains to each other about me

He goes so what he was saying was I sort of crucify myself And so that everyone no one is complaining about each other So they're all they're all What a brilliant man scapegoats himself and I thought that was so Fascinating and then he's so funny and he kind of got mad at me about this But I I wish that he would understand that this is how I describe how funny he is Because he does a lot of work for the make-a-wish foundation again He's like this really good dude and Kate is always like

I don't understand. I don't he couldn't have been that bad on set and I was like he's it's really really hard Kate and she's like I don't think so. I mean we've been to his housewarming party everything. He's so sweet to me I'm like, yeah, but she didn't work with him. She's like, I think you're just being sensitive And I'm like, no, he grabbed Bobby Lee's face He made him cry in a little fear poo and and and so he had their make-a-wish kids that are um Uh on set, you know, because this like you know, they love Transformers now. They're like seeing they're watching. It's crazy

They just love it. It's it makes it's a wish and then he makes it come true and I was doing the scene Where I throw the football back and forth with wallberg And I it was a joke slot So I kept like throwing it and then I and I did a couple that kind of missed they just like I didn't say I'm right And one was just not funny And he was like but we have to wait and reset to throw the ball And he just I was it made me laugh so hard. He just was like he came over and he's like

TJ you haven't said one funny thing You got one more chance to say one just this is it. That's your last chance. You haven't been funny this entire scene Because you haven't even made the make-a-wish kids laugh and I look over and they're all like They were kind of like he's not being funny. Yeah, and that is so hilarious to me But I yelled back and I go, you know what I like about you Michael I like the the confidence to you inspire and your actors. That's my favorite thing And the whole crew just erupted with laughter and he kind of was like, all right All right, one more and then we didn't kill it and it was great and but he's he is also very funny

It's like yeah, like very funny. These guys are just so smart that they are funny and But yeah, it was the same deal like I just I was like I gotta get out of here I don't think the movie comes out people love it. Everybody who's seen it comes up to me like I love my fucking lift driver today It was like Two transformers man. You died too early and I was like We take a picture. I took a picture. It's like just it's the first the first Speak of person that I've had in the car. Yeah, she's so excited and you're like that guy love transformers I'm so glad I did that film. It was it was worth the suffering

Yeah, because you do it for the people not for yourself. Yeah, yeah, but people don't understand when you Because I've also worked with Joe Pitca who was a Yeller Is he yeah, and you when you're actually there And having to talk with all the pressure and all the stuff, right? It just makes it just puts another element of like stress You know and it's so not fun But I guess when you're when you when it comes out and especially when the years go by and people come up to you over the years And also people buy ticket, you know, but my when I do stand up on the road. Oh, yeah

Yeah, right so it all helps so necessary and yeah, it's almost like if you told me you got to go and do the next transformers because Spielberg even told me he's like trying to get you into um Well, I want to put you in the next Uh not Star Wars I want to put you in the next transformers I'm trying to get Michael to put you in the next transformers And I was like because we run into each other randomly and his wife's name is Kate and she's also an artist That's a weird. It's just weird. But and so and I was like, yeah, but I I died in it And he's like, yeah, but you could come back as a transformer, you know, whatever

That's Spielberg. He's like, we'll do what I want to do. Yeah. Yeah, and he said but I'm trying to get Michael to Put you back and I was like, he's also like mad at me right now because he heard that make-a-wish thing or somebody told him about it on I said it on Doug loves movies and he was just so Upset about it and he wrote me this email and because I heard his feelings He was like, I do this thing for the make-a-wish and you're making fun of me, but I wasn't I was trying to explain He's really fun. That's such a funny thing to say You're being so unfunny that the make-a-wish kids haven't even laughed like they all they want to do is laugh and you're fucking this up That's so funny to me. And so I said, so I don't think he wants me to be in the next one

But you weren't making fun of him. You were just telling a story that happened, right? That's a sensitive guy. So I said, so I said, I said to Spielberg, I go, you know, so he's mad at me and Spielberg goes He goes, well, you know He does that with me like every six months or every year So he'll like yell at me and he doesn't want to talk to me for a long time. And it's like, he'll yell at you Wow, wow, Steven Spielberg's like, yeah, yeah, he does but he comes back around. He'll come back around and I said You know what? I think I think he's like a high school Kid, I think that he has a little bit of a demeanor of a high school student that he's really sensitive

But he's very blustery and he knows that he's really good at something But he's still he's that he's the best at something but that he's still kind of, you know, he can second guess himself He's really sensitive and Spielberg was like Yeah, I guess I have never thought of it that way, but I think you're right. I think you might be right about that And um, it's it's just it's so strange that these guys you just think it doesn't seem crazy to you right now Yeah, that you're that, you know, Steven Spielberg and Michael Bay and all these people. I mean just because I Do you I knew you before Yes, it's very crazy. No, teach teach. I knew you before

Bob's Bob's when we were like, uh, right teach Bob. We're coming up, right? Yeah, right? We're coming up We're coming up at the bottom Yeah, yeah, and then like you didn't know that right like drake I wear a chain. Yeah, there are like three kinds of people that wear chains wrappers Want to be wrappers of which drake is both Finish that line fired from the bottom. Yeah, what's what's the name came up? I came up and drake is both That's the song Bobby Lee killed it three points With the three point line

He said that song in his life. Yeah, but that was bad. Why do you wait baby? Why do you shame me because I don't listen to that style of music? It's just because you're laughing hysterically that I think that you're getting the reference, but you're not I love this dynamic because I can't believe that you guys work together. That would be very difficult Kate and I toured for a while together, but I think you know, I she doesn't even I haven't even seen her studio So it's really fun. I'm kind of jealous. I envy that you guys sort of have the type of relationship where you can kind of work together That's really fun because a lot of people would be like, you know, it might lead to some fighting or something like that Oh, we fight. Oh, yeah. Oh, we fight. I know she's Filipino

No, but no, but Kate and I fight but I don't know it's really interesting It's very cool that you guys can kind of do this and she's also really funny. So I think that helps Although Kate's really funny. I think she just doesn't love me as much as you Teach teach you want kids or no, it's kids No, don't die your belly. What who's the cutie on your chest? Yeah, your son. No, who is it? So, uh, was that who was the fucking pin in your jacket? I've been wearing this and people go. Oh, is that your son? I go no Who is it? And then I don't answer. I don't elaborate. It's not you. You got it at thrift store

Yeah, I just found it found it on the street to put it on And it's just for that bit so the people are like, did that kid die or something? No, I mean He's he will Oh, he will No, this is my god son. Oh So I stole a button. I was it actually this is cash levy son So the podcast that I'm cashing in with tj Miller, which you can find on podcast sites everywhere Including him a layer. They're not doing

anything for us I got to get on that atc train if you know what I'm snuckin about Yeah, but this um, yeah, this is my god son and yeah, we I would really like to have kids I think kate wants to have kids too But she's having a tough time. She sort of found her like She found her like She found out that what she was was an installation artist, but that took her a while So I think she wants to get more established in her career

But you know, it's getting to that point where it's like you gotta get into it if you're gonna get into it I think she also thinks that I'm I can be a little bit unstable, which is true. I'm brain damaged um, and so you kind of Wait, did you had you had a malformation in front of lobe, right? Yeah, what what what happened arteriovenous malformation? That's a congenital disorder, which I guess means it's when you it's like before you were born But there my right frontal lobe was malformed and so the brain is so it's so brilliant that it it has an elasticity to it and it Um, so I it it didn't use that part of the brain, but the rest of my brain Compensated for not having a golf ball size portion. In fact, I

I always carry it with me It's about the size of my brain They took out they took this size amount of brain out of my head when um in 2010 Oh, wow I didn't know that and so if you think about it it makes sense that I have a level of mania So I'm prone to manic episodes and uh, I took a I took a medication so that I want to have seizures um Because the brain has to work sort of double time of a person who has more space to be able to handle that work

And so it's very interesting But it's so Kate kind of I think sometimes worries about that. But yeah, we definitely want to have kids. I think she's like She's one of those people and I'm trying to explain this to her She's one of those people that if she doesn't have kids, she won't Have as full of a life as she would if she did have kids Yeah, because she's the type of person that that experience would be so enriching To her entire life and as and she just needs to understand that if you have kids It doesn't get in the way of her. I'm not going to speak in specifics, but some people's mothers

Uh, they pursue something like um A painting or poetry or pottery or crafts or something and they think of writing and they think you know When I had kids That's the reason that I didn't become a successful writer. That's not true That's a narrative that you're using to explain why you weren't successful. You're obviously talented or whatever But you didn't have the work ethic or you didn't do the thing or it was easier to say I ended up having kids so I stopped playing the cello I don't know why it shows that

Yeah, yeah, I don't But um, but you know and so I I'm trying to help her understand that just because you have kids Doesn't mean that you then will not be able to be a famous installation artist and she already is She's kind of is always thinking like yeah, but I need to get a grant But don't you think they'll be having to see him and I was like you just showed in fucking Avignon, France, which I didn't even know existed And the mattress factory's interesting Chateau Lacoste all these places that I didn't even know So any this she's like huge in France. She's like me and Scandinavia. Bobby Lee worldwide

But you don't you look me in the eyes when I'm caught. I am fucking looking you in the eyes right now But wait, no, they're not Yeah, that was right, but teach 10 lips over here is he tightened his lips. His lips just went away. He went from to Teach so don't you think though that it's an experience then left big dick having children Is an experience that you may be aren't you curious about it? No, I think cash levy says this He's the host of the podcast that I do catching on the tv It's available on itunes anywhere podcasts are sold. We don't sell it. It's free

But um, it's a uh, he is such a proponent He goes there's only two things that nobody he's really a philosopher He goes there's only two things that no one ever regrets and he says jumping off of a rope swing into a lake And having kids And he says that's really about rope swing. So I've seen many injuries. Have you well, not if you get injured That's like, yeah, baby. If you die during childbirth. I think people regret that I don't think we don't we don't include that in the equation If it's a stillborn, yeah, that ends up being a pretty a pretty bad experience

They can sometimes regret that no, but um, no Successfully going nobody comes out of the water and it's like that was terrible. It's just not the case although On our honeymoon, Kate and I went cliff jumping And we were about to go across and we were holding hands and the people in the boat were like you can't hold hands And we were like, no, no, we we're gonna hold hands. They're like, you can't do it Do not hold hands and I remember the moment that both of us stopped holding hands and both of us were like This is a bad idea And we both ran to jump and I of course jumped way out and got and she got scared and tried to stop herself

And then started to fall towards the rock Died but she pushed off and cut her foot incredibly bad But pushed off and made it into the water and if we had held hands She would have been fine because she would have felt safe and also I'm gigantic So I would have just whipped her into the you know out into the ocean where she would be safe So but so she regretted that but then it was really cool we went to Bermuda for romantic trip and she was looking through one of those guides brochures of things to do She stopped on pages at cliff jumping and I looked at it and I was like god

I wish she would cliff jump again to erase that bad memory and she was like And I didn't say anything and she goes We should do this we should go cliff jumping So she did it in Bermuda and fucking killed it and when she came out of the water. She was like that was awesome Yeah, so that's a really sweet story and now I'd like to make more comments about thin littles fucking fat lips We're doing on time we're over an hour. Wow Because it's fun, but here's what we're gonna do at the end teach at the end George fucked out the coffee situation made outside of that

Why didn't you have I would love to go on a double date with the two of you? Yeah, oh, we would love to do that I really hate as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I think I share the same fears about motherhood because I have this he goes through his manic You're also can I do my strange? Yeah, he's manic. That's that's one of the ways that we connect to make sure Yeah, Bobby Lee is really like guys. Let's just let's turn on some like kitten relaxation music Although Kate really does do that You also strike me as similar to Kate in that you're very very beautiful and you're probably You probably have a difficult time with women in some cases because you're so beautiful

But you're also really smart and you also are kind of charismatic and clearly independent And that's really threatening to girls So you must have got a lot of mean girl shit and it's really you haven't really you were the mean girl, huh? No, I wasn't the mean girl. I I didn't come I wasn't considered pretty until I got a lot older Um, because I was really you just were a real dog-faced toddler Yeah, I was I was Put a pork chop around her neck to let the dog play with her But I have a lot of uh

My my family's very matriarchal So it was a really strong sense of like sisterhood From the time I was born up to now. So Bobby will tell you I have a like I have just a gaggle of really kind awesome female In my life more so than you never I guess if you were older mean girls Uh, not necessarily. Maybe I'm just uh, I just don't see it or I'm oblivious to it. Um, she's the mean girl. All right See I am kind of a ball buster the ball buster Yeah, and Kate is not a ball buster at all

But she the thing that is strange is sometimes pretty women have A difficult time because they're beautiful and but you can't complain about that So you can't say to somebody like being beautiful is really really difficult. That would be insane to say something like that So sometimes that can be isolating, but now that I look at you. I realize you're not that attractive I guess I kind of miss the mark on that one. Yeah, you miss the mark completely We do a thing at the end. Um called unhelpful advice. We have people from We have we have emails Yerba mate George

So people call, um, they email us about um problems that they have and we give them advice I love that. All right. We'll do one. Go ahead unhelpful advice with barbie kalayla and teeth A few months ago Second city second city bro, chicago second city. Really? Did you tour with them? I was not on greenco But I had to watch your videos to train. Ah, that's crazy Because I had to watch like Amy polar and uh, see growing Yeah, they used to play his videos to learn the scenes or from him. Oh really? Well, would you remember even one of the scenes? I remember I did a lot of this go

I still did um, what's picked uh, the picture one what you're doing. Yeah, that's a they still do that Pictionary they still do. Yeah. I saw colbert do that and tina fans. Yeah, they did it. It's crazy I think my director was for a show was actually thinking to cast you leblanc anthony. Yeah, totally anthony leblanc Yeah, he was great. He was so weird. He used to he used to eat fast food all the time And we would be like, why do you eat so much fast food? And he's he had all these crazy reasons for things because he was very heady and he would say Well, you know fast food has a lot of bacteria in it So when I eat it it makes my immune system very strong because I'm ingesting that fast food and I was like

Science science dude, you're gonna die All right a few months ago. I asked a very good friend of mine. Who's the girl to take my virginity? What co are you on green? Bisco, I actually did this. Oh weird. Is that bad very well. It's business companies. Yeah, so they're not terrible It's the money one. It's the money one. That's right, but they're not as good. Go ahead I asked a friend of mine who's a girl to take my virginity We're both i'm a guy. We're both 18. I've known her since middle school We always come to each other when we have a problem. Wow. He said take my virginity. Okay, sir

I just want to make sure she always came to me about her boy problems and I came to her about my girl Uh problems. We were close one day. I was determined you say uh in the email. Yeah Weird one day I was horny and stupid horn and the stupid horn dog that I am I decided to text her respectfully asking her if she would take my virginity. Whoa, what a horn dog It's not even like you want to fuck. It's like will you take my virginity away from me by queen She declined nicely and told me I should do it with someone I love But if I recall bobby one said I should get over it and uh, so I would soon so I wouldn't put sex on a pedestal And I agree get it over with yeah, we've just Scandinavia

I'm in love motherfucker I'm in love with her or uh He's in love with her now. Yeah, I'm not sorry. I'm not in love with her or anyone I just trust her deeply now. She's left for college. We are not spoken in months Should I reach out to her and apologize or should I just get my pussy? Get your pussy, dude. What kind of email is that? His name is bin and he is a I believe a bin B. I. N B. I. N. Like a Vietnamese type of bin There's a Vietnamese type of it. You know the ages likes that I say Vietnamese

Vietnamese he has trouble with yet with that word too. He does Vietnamese too Vietnamese Vietnamese and it's the other one. I have a tough time with anonymity and how what about what about um Um, anemone anemone. Oh, you got it. He's anemone anemone. I got it. I like the inimitable Oh, yeah, that one I have trouble with yeah tough. It's great. I'm in a bowl You've ever aligned in a movie or whatever and you can't say the word. It's hard the tongue twister Yeah, it's having me. I hate it. I also hate saying edited it. Yeah, I can't do that. Did you finish your movie? Yeah, I edited it Oh, yeah, edited it. Yeah, some of that's somebody else's joke, but um That's a common thing I do. I steal material and I repurpose it

Uh and make it worse. So I think my advice to him would be Um, yeah, you can reach out and apologize Um, but it's definitely not gonna happen with her But I would disagree with you. I had sex the first time with a girl that I loved And but I was so nervous and I couldn't totally keep an erection And so I sort of uh, but she was so cool about it. She was so nice about it and then we did in the morning and it ruled Um but it but

It was a weird one because also the condom kind of came off and then I thought for sure that I had AIDS Even though she had never really had sex Like that they tried to make that such a scary pandemic. I had the same feeling terrible I call I called the hotline and the person was like it's okay Can I tell you where I when I thought I got AIDS where in San Diego? There's these um, um adult bookstore. It's called f street Oh, yeah, so what I used to do I used to shit. I had a waiting job and at night I like one in the morning because it's 24 hours I go to f street street and you when you walk back there, you know, the floors are going one of the booths

Yeah, I love that. Yes. So the floors are really sticky, right? If you walk, you're right, right and you sit down And they had these buttons like just forward and backwards and you can just scroll through fucking Different pornoes at 50 and there's some gay ones, right? And I remember going tickle. It's always weird because you're like you get you get you get one that's not that good Like a girl like a heterosexual one. Yeah heterosexual one You got a regular porn and then and then you're like that's good But I think there's something better and then you go and it's like two guys just straight up fucking you're like

I'll go back to the other Yeah, because it wasn't but then you you just pressing it. There's like six of those in a row. Yeah Yeah, so six gay ones. You're like, come on. Come on. Come on. Yeah, because it's also weird Like if you're not gay, you see it. You're just like, yeah It's just weird. You're like, this isn't it's very strange unholy But I stuck my finger in the button and it was in the puddle of cum Yeah, and you lick your finger. No, I didn't lick my finger, but I directly have his asshole He had bought himself a couple of drinks in spain

Come back. Yeah, but I remember sticking my finger in there and going did I just get AIDS? It's scary. Yeah, I was uh, I was a cum dumpster for virgins in high school I Collected people's virginities. Hey, that's a showstopper I thought you were a dog face pony head High school So you took how many guys because I wasn't I think eight. What a giving slut. I know Yeah, yeah, you should open that if you ever do it to tonight show you should open with that at the panel

I was a cum dumpster. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good open. That's really really wonderful though because I bet you were really sweet to them Well, I was really sweet to them and on top of that you got a good sampling of what dicks are like I did And um, I think it's because I was rejected a lot when I was younger and then when I feel about You got you did the choke choke and the AIDS finger I was just a cum cum cum dumpster for virgins. That's a that's that's one of the words that you have trouble with I was just a dumb cumster I don't say it often but when I do

a dumb cumster When you say come dumpster, okay? Okay. Yeah, when you say it when you say it, right? I want to get specific Okay, you mean you you let them come in your mouth or you let them come in your vagina receptacle I just received virgin cum and and they with a con with no condom. They just come inside you That's a good point. Yeah. Yeah, so I did a lot of raw dog when I was younger We were talking about the AIDS and how we were afraid of AIDS and that there's a difference between that and mistaken my finger in a Fucking pool of cum. You know Kate. I Kate said sex with the question She's an attractive woman and I think it's great that she she got going well quite a bit

And uh, but wait, she would never describe herself as a come-down She's like I saw a lot of what's out there and you're the best and I'll be like, okay. So a lot and she's like, yeah But you know I feel like I'm like you we're like not exactly handsome, but we're real funny Yeah, I think that you're more handsome than I am. No, I think you're a handsome fellow Okay, I'm gonna accept it. Yeah. I mean she does look what you scored over here You ever see that movie she's out of my league this guy's living it Jay barisch off girls. I love that. You know what a club I was just at that you were I think Nebraska you're playing that funny

But oh, I love that Rue Colleen Quinn Colleen the best she officiated our wedding And that was Kate's decision Kate got along with her so much and loved her energy and everything so much Did you go with him? Have you met her? Oh my god a meter? She's a fucking the best and she officiated her what she married He gave me I was just there for the first time and I we had breakfast Yeah And I I was eating breakfast with her and I looked across from the table and I said to her I go I don't know why I've never played this one before I why did I miss out on you? It's the worst. It's the best funny bar Yeah, yeah, she's so great and the crowd was amazing. Nick from that stakes. Oh, yeah

Nick from um hilarities. You know him? I think so. Yeah Okay. Oh, no. Yes. I do. He gave you a baseball bat that I had my name. Yeah. Yeah. Nick's a great guy. No He did not So hey TJ, you know, I've I've wanted you on this. I've wanted you on this podcast for years I wanted to come on this. No, I'll just and when I when I found out that you were doing it I was so excited and you killed it and I just so glad and you're part of our family and Is this the end of it? Yeah, if you ever yeah, because I have to go to an AA meeting, but um, is that true? Yeah, my friend Megan. I just got into the AA thing really likes it. Yeah, I love it. But um, it's you know, it's group therapy

It's immediate friends. Yeah, I know what it is not I go to it. Okay God, but you know, but anyway I go to an ad meeting. I go to ad meetings. What's an ad? It's alcohol designated They don't it's not anonymous. Yeah, they doesn't know who you are and they tell all of their friends. That's okay What a great fucking uh, but my point is is that I love you and I've always loved you and uh, let's just be friends for life. Okay Let's see

Clapper teach we're all rolling because we're in the house keeping. Hello everyone. That is Kalaila. Hi, babe. 180. Yeah, what do you need? I'll do it right now To the token, but I don't want to say I don't know okay. Will you rub my tomtoms later? That wasn't a definitive. Yes, I won't count your sober days if you don't rub my tomtoms later You promise yuck. So he's giving he's giving a maybe babe. Give me your yuck. So finger. I probably just winked at me He's not doing it Trader let's count his sobriety day since November 28 Jason You're supposed to look at your calendar when you count it. He's Jason's like closing his eyes just calculating it

Anyways, while they're calculating that um, let's see who gets it first figure it out We'd like to thank our sponsors quip ship station Brooklyn and better help quip if you want to brush better get your first refill free Go to get quip comm slash belly right now Ship station if you do online sales or ship anything online like we do make it easy with ship station You're supposed to look at your calendar when you count it. He's Jason's like closing his eyes just calculating it anyways while they're calculating that um, Do make it easy with ship station right now tiger belly listeners and try ship station free for 60 days when you use the offer code belly Brooklyn and get 10% off your first order and free shipping on all new sheet when used at promo code tiger only at brooklinon.com That's the code a tiger. What about better help George better help wants you to start living a happier life today

Get 10% off your first Month at better help comm slash belly and join over 500,000 people taking charge of their mental health with the help of an Experienced professional. Where can we get Bobby's ticker? Where can we see Bobby Lee lie? San Jose Feb 28th through March 1st Denver co March 12th through 14th Houston ticks March 27th through 29th and go to bobbylee live.com and grab them before they're sold out uh, kalala any shout outs or shout ins or Thoughts people haven't got kalala's thoughts or an MMA minute from kalala in a while Oh, did you guys watch to quarry anderson against yon blah blah watch quarry anderson go to sleep

Oh, that's me. I like quarry anderson, but did you see yon and john jones like senet john? Yeah, I enjoyed that. Did you see a dotson fight? I did not was it good? Yeah Like do you watch any of those fight nights? Uh only the main I used to watch the whole card like back in the day But now it's like the top two fights probably the main card. Yeah, I feel like you're not on board with me anymore We used to be an MMA team and now every time I'm like you watching you're like, no I'm out like having like fucking in front coffee with my fru fru friends It's uh, he's chained. He's called cheesecake cocktail parties

You fucking loser. You think you're a socialite. They're called cheesecake cocktail parties. I will say you guys What's the cheese? I'm really sad about you by the way I'm really sad that I did not get to bond with you at all in hawaii because me gilbert and gabby had quite possibly The best day of our lives. Yeah, we went to beaches. We drove around. We ate everything Honestly, if you guys get a tour guide, I mean this person has given so much to hawaii You should work for the fucking border for us. She's like, we should go here. Let me hit here There's just local spa that no one knows about it. It's like, all right. Do you live here? I might as well, right? Basically it's for some reason if I if I'm in an island and there's a certain, um

Um percent humidity, you know, it's like my brain switches on and I'm happy And I just want to live life again And then I come back here to the fucking chaperones of california And my nose is bleeding because it's dry and then it decreases My iq my eczema flares up when I come back here. It's the worst Yeah, and I just want to be a hermit and then I just sit at home sad about my fucking acid reflux Yeah, I mean kalala really knows where all the beaches are like this one time we went to a beach And she's like, oh the beach is right here and then we walked for 40 minutes

And then we walked back because there was no fucking beach. Um, but yeah There was absolutely a whole like 30 mile coastline. It's just that he wants this topic sentence you used I don't think he he wants his idea of a beaches. There are people there my idea of a fun beaches There is nobody there and you get to have the beach to yourself It was just funny because like and I was trying to tell him like oh you go down this Is this way there's no like path to go down so we had to go through like basically like brush and stuff No, I enjoyed it. That was really fun being isolated Um, I also just I'm in love with your sister

Oh, yeah, I think bobby and I want to officially like adopt her into I'm glad she got to hang out because I feel like you guys haven't actually got to like be enjoy this presence Other than like I think she was like, oh wow. I know kalala better now. Does she like me? Yeah She said she understands you more. Oh, but understand. Okay. She she understands me, but she understands why she hates you now She's like this bitch made me walk for 40 minutes on coral a fucking coral It wasn't a sandy beach. I know it was it was actually a cool spot. I don't want to say where it is I'm sure people go there all the time. You fucking tagged it in your photo. You dip shit. I didn't put the name of it I just said general beach

General beach cheesecake. No, Gilbert's one of those tiger types cheesecake cocktail parties, baby all day whatever that means Yeah, he's not true. That's why we don't have MMA minutes. Dominic Reyes, Jr. What did you who did you have in that fight? John Jones? I you know what? I really You had a pretty I I did have John Jones at the end of it all But you know, I I listened to this thing that Ariel Helwani had said about it really pisses him off when people say like You got to do more to unhorse a champion No, I don't know that mindset of like thinking that's like, wait, you're right

But that's that's been ingrained in our heads for so long and I used to think that too That you have to do more. It's not pride because he's a champion But it's like no like rules are rules scoring is scoring and you score per round and I I do think that John Jones barely eked it out, but I was so impressed by Reyes But Bobby put we put money on Reyes. I put money on Reyes, too. Yeah, I was like he's gonna have it I was like, oh god. Oh, he's not why are you giving up in the last two rounds? He was exhausted He was exhausted, but he did he did a lot of damage. I was actually that was an awesome fight. That was great. Well Well, we'll be doing more MMA minute. We'll have another five-party vlog. We should do those again

Wait, we're doing vlogs again or just for fights. Maybe whoa. Did I just put that out there? Do people want that hit up George Kimmel? What's hitting up be good to do people want to know your life, dude. Hey, do you guys get reflux? From you get reflux Wait, how long does it last? It can last months month. Yeah, he's like Get privacy. Uh This is Jason a physical medical doctor here. Try previsit. Uh, take it for a few days

Your acid will be clear for months. Okay. I have a question then you become relying on it and never have a normal stomach again Okay, that's what I'm afraid of. I also don't think I have conventional reflux because I don't feel the heartburn I just feel like I'm I have liquid like cold minty liquid coming up to my throat and I cannot sleep at night Um, and it started on my plane ride back from Hawaii and I thought that I had like an esophageal Veresies that I was bleeding in my um throat because I'm an insanely panicky person like that

and um, I It has not gone away and I've taken everything Okay, well cold minty liquid doesn't sound normal at all and you should definitely ask a doctor about this and not Jason I have another question for you. Jason. I have another question for you. Okay. So when I vomited on the plane, right? I vomited on the plane and I saw what looked like um Blood in my vomit after I vomited bile. Do you think that that was blood?

Or do you think it was a piece of seaweed from my miso soup earlier? I think it's best to assume it's blood and then uh, go see a doctor And ask them about it. Stop asking me about this stuff. Wait, but hold on because the likelihood of it being A piece of seaweed. Was there iron? Was there tea? No, I see that's I didn't taste anything bloody I'm very sensitive to that taste of like that iron, but um, it Just give me a statistic like what are your percent that it could have been um seaweed I think you're looking at probably I don't know. That's like 50 50. Oh, shit some blood could have gotten in there

So what's your what's what's my prognosis dog? Ultimately, you're gonna want to just ask a doctor about this I thought you were my doctor. I don't know. What is this the fucking This improv podcast. I was gonna say I was playing scenarios I'm gonna say it was seaweed and thank you for your time. I will take some previsit Yeah, take some previsit. It does wonders. Okay. Well, I will keep you updated next week. We'll have a he's like I don't want your updates. He's like we'll have a gird watch 2020 on helpful medical advice. Yeah, let us know what you think in the comments What should we do for a contest you guys think

I think that you should look back at older tiger belly photos and look for pictures of me bob me and bobby doing um little weird acrobatic positions and I think that you should um We're only for this week, right? Yeah, I think that you should recreate them and I think that you should send them to gilbert and george And they be the judge and you get something for free. For instance, the the one of me and bobby and san jose from four years ago Um, where he's surfing on my back In a hotel room. I like that one. That's like that. So find that and then recreate it as an art No of them doing it. Oh them doing it. Yeah, I see. Okay. Cool. Take a picture of themselves. Do not hurt yourself though

But if you do don't don't do it Consult jason consult jason. All right. So guys, uh, do that and then also just tag tiger belly On instagram and then we will look through that list and choose a winner Yeah, well, uh, also guys make sure you check out tj's dates go to his website tj miller does not Have a website.com Uh, it's not what it's called. That's what it's called. It's a really great website. It's actually a really good website. It's beautiful Is it the black background? Yeah, I've seen it before. It's great. Um, make sure you check out his dates on there specifically dallas fourth worse, texas, uh, virginia beach funny bone

And since and natty go support him, uh, because we love him also, uh, you can send your questions to advice on helpful at gmail.com We're looking for interesting unusual non-typical problems. We need your help as much as you want ours That's advice and helpful at gmail.com final words kalayla Goodbye final words george See ya dr. Jason Hey prime members you can listen to tiger barely ad free on amazon music Download the amazon music app today or you can listen ad free with wondery plus in apple podcast Before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey