TigerBelly - Ep 252: Theo Von Is Good & Plenty

Episode Date: July 1, 2020

The Slept King goes Mullet vs Mullet. The Rat King wants that boxed titty. Princess Koloko takes a day at the spider fights. Welcome to our first garage episode. We talk butt worms, funeral portraits, Pol Pot's kettle, and your 10 Alone items. And we give you the best MMA minute in TigerBelly history. It's a high brow, low brow extravaganza.  To submit your singing videos, upload here: http://bit.ly/tigerbellytalent If you want to see what the TigerBelly Singing Competition, you can go to http://Patreon.com/TigerBelly. We also have vlogs and other bonus content up there. If you're curious you can sign up for free and you won't be charged until the beginning of the month. Please support our sponsors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly ad-free on Amazon music download the app today I'm your first guest on what? In our new on our fucking new space, bro What is this? Yeah, oh you trapped now Oh Man are your ankles the tops are so hard. I wish they made a soft for nipple on the beverage. You know, I'm talking about But yeah, think about it they could make a look how hard that is yeah

But if I saw a woman with that kind of titty though with that shape, I would not suck it with you I have that shade that long. No, I don't be never long hitter. It's a long You did you got him out. Yeah, I won't want him what you do with him. Yeah, you do. Heck yeah, I'll take one I'll take one. I put one of them in my sack my left sack I don't want to press at my house that or someone else's you need headphones or no, huh? Yeah, I'll take them But yeah, I'll take one of them, you know, if it's okay with Bobby I'm not gonna have somebody's wife's breast implant with Yeah, but I bet I bet you can't I see I bet if you held on to it long enough he could catch the vibe of you Could you put instead of silicone could you put somebody else's breasts in your breasts?

You could put your own fat into your breath. No, but could I go like if Dolly Parton died and shit and go Hey, can you donate when you die and what put your breast into my breast? Yeah, I don't know if they can inject someone else's Like fat or tissue into you. I'm not saying inject dog. I'm saying just surgically fucking implant So I'll have the scars the Franken scars. I don't give a fuck dude. I'll have Dolly Parton's tits I'll have a guitar. I might be able to sing a tune. Haha. You're getting greedy. I Am yeah, yeah, or I'll just take the brush that man. I'm not the fucking out of the musical talent You know, yeah, do you think if John may or jerks off on your back? You're gonna be

Yeah You've changed The fucking quarantine I've changed. Oh, you had changed before that. Yeah, just remind me. Yeah Yeah, you've become fucking distant to me man. Well, it's because you freaking built your studio It's 10 feet, bro, I can't even see you You should see you were at the lockers, dude You were at one point at the lockers like you got to bring them in a little because I couldn't see it Yeah, you were in between that space. Yeah, you were in that little ball. Yes, really? Yes. We brought you forward, dude

So, um, let's start and then um, don't talk from now on I know you already talked well This is more dangerous than AIDS to COVID. Why would whatever we let talk about it when I bring you up or huh? Write that down more dangerous than a more dangerous. Yeah, here we go five four three two one All right, sorry go on start over my bed after all that. I was on my podcast Do it again You You Welcome to another episode

I've been doing that with me pop up butter and she's fucking a fucking traumatic responses from it I I only don't like I I like it when she does it not when you say I know Don't need all your money to giraffes I don't talk. Yeah, fuck. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, so bro. I'm fucking excited because I'm You're about to piss me off bro, I can't give my butt. I've got a bup towel dude. Dude, dude Dude, I'm so excited because um, what's the deal we we we've moved over to the garage And so that we could have guests so we're gonna have distance Let me introduce everyone in the room by the way by the buy, you know, we've got white white

George Kimmel in the house and I haven't had white white here working with us for a while Praise God to see you man praise praise the Lord brawl PTA. Oh, right? All right, yeah, we got fucking flat flat Yep, yeah, white white. We got flat flat. It's good to see you too, man Great to see you captain. It's good to see you on the fucking battlefield my friend. Yes, sir war zone war zone We're zone baby 2020 all-day every day dog and then we've got my beautiful um, Kalyla my princess. Yep my left-hand woman mm-hmm and then um, you know, we have a guest our first guest in since

quarantine I'm gonna fuck you can snore all you want, bro But like whenever I think about guy this guy right here a song pops in my head. I want to sing it right now, right? Okay, carry on my wayward son There'll be peace when you are done Lay your weary head to rest Don't you cry no? That's what I think of man I

Think of that. I think of a guy who um, you know, not a lot of people call me during the quarantine You know, I've had maybe three people one of them I don't even want to talk about But you know me, but this guy's called me in quarantine check to see how I've been doings and You know, it's really good to connect with uh, you know him and I have a very um, oh my god Yeah, when I have dude, I haven't seen you in a while. Why did I come though? Do I was here was Bro, it's like, you know

I haven't seen anybody really I think aside from Santino You know, you're the first comedian I've seen in flesh. Wow. Really? Yeah. Oh, no, no, no Yeah, that's it. Yeah, I haven't seen the Cummings or nothing. Oh, yeah, you have it. Yeah, so, um, how about a round of applause for my buddy? The the How about a round of applause for my buddy? The I'll go just feel feel Vaughn feel Vaughn

Cause Yeah, so bro good to see you dude. You too man. Thanks for having me man. It's good to be here Yeah, and uh, it's good to see you guys, you know, and it's good to know that You guys are alive and that everybody's doing good, you know, yeah, and I like the way you got this set up over here the whites and uh You know in the non-whites Yeah, I get it. You know what race I am pinoy baby Every day every day man from the dark from the dark side of the island though. I do I know dude Only sunlight on the door year there man. What the island he's from. It's an eclipse the northern pinoy, baby

Yeah, it's like that one fucking vampire movie. Remember that one 30 days a night or whatever bro No, not 20 days. It was like 30 days of night. You've never seen Dracula enough fucking Dracula man with the diesel Vin Diesel's lonely in it A movie you talked about there was a movie called 30 days a night. Whatever Chronicles of Riddick. No, not chronicles of Riddick baby 30 days of night. Yeah, and it was basically dude. It was in Alaska, bro You remember it. Oh, I know you're talking about. Yeah. Yeah, and that one dude. What's his name the white dude gold rush No, gold not gold rush, bro. It's not rush trucker. No Gold boy josh harnett was in it josh harnett was in it. That's my boy, dude josh harnett

And in fucking 30 days a night, man. Oh fuck, bro. You know what happens what because you know, there's only sunlight Certain times at certain times, you know, I mean like, you know, I mean like in this was it winter time The sunlight don't come out no more man. Solstice. They say I think solstice Yes, solstice dude. And so then all of a sudden, you know, you know, because vampire except for blade. What's it? Wesley? night snipes he could he could walk around during the day, man Because here's what a day walker is what they call them. Right in 30 days of night, bro Now regular vampires, you know

Even the immigrant ones Whoa, I'm making a stretch. Are you talking about amistad? Because this movie is like merging into different moves No, I know what I'm saying is is that the regular ones, dude Now they can walk around During the day because it's not anyway because it's always fucking night, right? So it makes it even more scary because you know when you have vampires in your area Right, if you don't know this

We could hang out. You know what I mean? Yeah during the days Because they don't hang out during the day don't like sunlight. They're like Andrew Santino Not like the lost boys. No, it's not like the lost boys. But then like, you know, Anyway, I don't know why we even got into that fucking thing, bro But yeah, but but yeah, what I'm saying what he's saying is ladies and gentlemen theobahn. That's what he's Yeah, theobahn gave him another round of applause, man. Dude, I feel like I'm at the weirdest barbershop Ever yeah, so dude you just got this like is anybody gonna come

This shit is one of the shit has two stars on I feel like that's something we should Hash out right the mullet versus mullet deal Hmm. Well, there's nothing, you know, I'll be honest with there's no hash out to be happened You know, it's like, you know a friend of mine Ooh, right showing it. Oh, he's flexing it. You know a friend of mine, dude. Oh, you have that native. This is more native Yeah, my morning

Mine is definitely a little bit more British one guy with a drum in front of me, you know Yeah, I gotta drive. Yeah, somebody throws something somebody throws a freaking pineapple over your shoulder Or something somebody throws a yeah more native somebody throws a spear. You know, somebody cars you up and makes a fucking chubby soup You know That's your stop. But anyway, dude I got this Because I was so inspired by your look, bro. Oh, thanks man. I mean your sexuality. You didn't even ask me about it You just got it. No, because I don't think I need to ask. It's like, you know

But what if back in the 80s, dude when like people got parachute pants? Mm-hmm, right my buddy Ramon. Mm-hmm got parachute pants. Oh, yeah, yeah Eddie was is he and he was like and he was like pop lock in and shit, right? I didn't call him ago. Hey Can I buy those two and do the same moves? No, I just I've made my mom go to Nordstrom's Yeah, I got the ones with the most pockets. That's one way to do it man You know, I think though if I would have said like hey, I want to You know put on a little put on a couple pounds, you know and maybe chop

Chop a couple inches out of each one of my Legs, you know, what if I want to do that, you know, what if I want to You know What if I want to kind of make myself look like I had just at the very end of a sneeze, you know Then But I didn't call you first, you know, that's how I'm feeling like I just that's the only thing I thought let me think about that, you know Well, you know tushé Yeah, tushé to you. Well, right, right? I'm hard and tushé. Okay and good day, sir

Okay, all right, but what I want to reiterate back to you, dude is is I could have I could have done this then bleached my skin, right and then taken some brain cells out of my brain Right, right like, you know, the philosophical ideas of my life Right, and then I could have added a couple of inches to my legs. Right got a truck Right and then peed on your lawn like you just peed on mine earlier. Yeah, I had to pee. That's why what happened You peed on Really or did you pee on a plant? So a little got on the concrete, but not that much

So mostly plant So as long as it was, you know absorbent, it's fine. Yeah, that's that concrete looks pretty absorbent. Yeah, I think yeah So what you're saying to me is I should have called you Yeah, I said, hey, buddy. Thethi. Um, next time I see you Yeah I we look alike then right but yours is different than mine. Yours is much more Like of the it's more mowgli. I feel like, you know, I'm saying his is just more um

You know more like oh like missing person style Like an 80s kind of uh synth band Yeah, something like that or this guy's oh, have you seen this guy? He's like, no, I haven't seen him man never seen him, you know, and they just keep showing the picture around town, you know Did Mowgli disappear? Mowgli. Yeah. No, I'm just saying Mowgli was raised by a bear Wolves Educate me. Yeah And then Mowgli, I thought he was the lead singer of missing persons for a second. You're talking about

Stop stop stop. Yeah, you're talking about jungle right? I think you're talking about Mowgli missing person. I thought missing persons Was the 80s band you were talking about and Mowgli was the lead singer of of missing person Oh, no, uh, sorry, man. Yeah. Uh, that was my bad though. It's both of our bad, dude. I can't even believe we get into conversations because That's what our conversations are like on the phone. Oh, it's unbelievable. Yeah, we talk about we're talking about I'm like the phone cut out Yeah, the phone cut out and you're like Oh, okay, neither one of us is getting anywhere Yeah, we don't when we have conversations when we have a meal and we see we're talking to the commissar We don't really know what we're talking about. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's limited

It's very limited. Well, Bobby's a hit and run conversational stuff. I find a lot of times he'll get in He'll he'll show up say a couple things couple this that right and then he's going he's off to the next He does that I think with just about including me I tap him on he has like a limit to how much he's going to get time investment and then he's out In fact, you know, I go to um zoom AA meetings And dude, I've seen you in one. Yeah, I saw you dude. You were making me laugh. Oh my god Wow, why? bro

bro Yeah, I've I've been to in my lifetime. I've probably been to 100,000 AA meetings. I've laughed maybe twice Like truly laughed This dude because in zoom ones, right? All I did was I just switched to his camera even when other people are talking Right, what a lurker. I did. I was lurking on you, bro Other people were like, you know, you know, other people are sharing. Yeah, my wife, you know, she has covid, right?

I know I was sad, you know, my dog crazy when people get yeah or whatever, right? But I have just Theo on the thing and just watching him listening He was making me laugh so hard, bro You'd be doing like this with your hands. Well, yeah, I get fired up. Some of the people shared I know you were like into it, but it was making he wasn't purposely making me laugh It's just the way he listens is humorous. Yeah, it's hard to listen. It's hard to listen And for a long time, I feel like in a row, you know, I know dude some of those eight meetings on zoom Do you guys take breaks?

No, man, isn't that what they tell? Isn't that why like classes are like 50 minutes long because I don't think your brain's supposed to Work for three hour stretches. Yeah, this is one that was on a Monday night where it's a men's one And well, dude, don't act like she didn't just say something. Let's honor with the I love you so much. You just listened right over. You just didn't even You're like, okay. I'm gonna just be quiet for a second. Sorry, but I'm trying to earn one of those freaking boxed tits y'all got in the Inside, right? I apologize. You have a boxed tip. You are Honestly, I apologize. You're right. That is something that I'm trying to work on in therapy

And you know, I do listen to everything she says, right, but I'm trying to be more attentive To the things that she says and her feelings and stuff and she has you know, and we both she's beautiful points I think she makes beautiful. She does make beautiful points And she's also a beautiful person in her heart. Yes. All right guys enough and no, no, no, no Let's keep going man. No, I'm not gonna keep going if she were alive today Hey, I'm not gonna keep going. She'd be amazed at all these people. What I'm gonna say is you know, baby Baby, I love you. Oh, yeah, baby. I care You're my little boy boy princess from far away

Wait, do you know do you know this about koreans? Is this the true thing where they take a funeral photo? Um, like a funeral portrait before they die Like you were saying you were talking as if I was passed away and deceased, right? Would you guys be into that? Bobby would Bobby's took some pictures when his dad No, no, no, no, like you take like you know that you're let's say you're in your 80s and you're coming to the end of your life Yeah, and so you go into a studio and you take a funeral portrait with your family and all your Godchildren, you know what I would like holding you up like you're laying in their arms like across You're not dying yet, but it's your last final regal portrait of your life

No, I would do one of those 3d mugs or statues. Yeah, they do at the mall now So you go into it, you know, they have that now at malls It costs thousands of dollars, but I would like to be a mug like a coffee mug With my family you could get dermi too. They had a guy of us when I was growing up who had been who'd had a family member Taxidermied fully taxidermied. That's what I want. Just mounted on someone's wall, but I get to choose my pose Yeah, that's very good This guy had been uh, they had their uncle it was he was doing like Yeah, yeah, yeah, what he was doing like like like I it was like a yoga pose

Like it looked like he was doing a like, yeah Like I know like a prayer or like he was gonna do like he was doing part of patty cake, you know Yeah, but he and they caught him like right like that But I remember they had him they had a they had a human man taxidermy I would probably do a pose where it's like I was in a UFC fight. Okay, and somebody gut punched me And so I'm like, you know me like one leg on the ground. Yeah, and I'm flying back right and like this Yeah, that'd be cool in action Yeah, because I want people to know that I was like, you know, it wouldn't be true

It'd be lying right, but I was that you were in action, but I was in action You know what I mean when I died if you were terminally ill would you want a funeral before or after you die? Oh I think this is really this is a really amazing thing that you're saying and I'm glad we're listening to you Um, all right. You already got one. You trying to get two titties? I would say You trying to get what? You trying to get two? No, I'm not you creep I'm happy with one man. Yeah, okay. I just want something the cat can play with in the living room Yeah, um

No, but what if we start getting so like into ourselves as humans that we start having our funerals before we die That's what she was asking. Yeah, I could see that because some people do that now. Wow, really? Yeah I think that that movie with uh, Nicholas Cage the weatherman He does that right with his father or something like that where they do a live funeral when the person is still living So that you get to hear what everyone is what you know Your whole family really truly thinks of you from their heart But the problem is that you do the fucking funeral before and then what if you don't die right away? Yeah, and then six months later. You're out of starbucks and some dude that was at your funeral sees you

And they're like, you're not dead yet. Yeah, some guy that banged your sister after your funeral. You're like, hey, what are you doing? Yeah, the kind of guy that tries to bang at somebody's funeral. Yes, sicko. Also. I don't want to also sicko boy Yes, sicko man. I also don't want my funeral before because what if no one shows up? Oh, no, no because if I died Right, stevie's gonna freaking show up dude. She's gonna go. I know but I want like if I'm in town. I'm gonna go dude People are gonna go if you're in town. All right. All right. That's a good question. I don't know what my schedule is I know I understand that but I'm gonna ask you right right now Yeah, what I want you the honest fucking answer because we're pros, right?

Yeah, okay. I want honest answers for me. Okay, so what would you cancel? Right Mm-hmm to go to my funeral. Oh, I definitely cancel my own wedding if I had to freaking get married. Okay. That's big But what about this? That's would you would you cancel? Let's say you sold out, but I cancel my wedding for probably almost anything else. Yeah, that's right. That's why I fucking brush my wedding But let's say you sold out like a 20,000 seat venue, but it lands on the same day as my funeral. Would you cancel that? Hmm be honest. I couldn't man, and I don't think you'd want me to that's why I wouldn't

I think you'd want me to be there. I'd want you to I'd want you to what if I got a live stream of you in your casket to open up Wow, I'll make you a deal. Okay. I'm the closing Oh, you really pre-record a set. No, I want to just do the live stream Of my casket at the end when he's getting a standing ovation. Just boom. Yeah, you put it on the monitor So that I could you know when I'm flying up to heaven You know, I'm flying and I can see it and I'm getting a standing. Oh, that'd be fucking cool That'd be cool. Yeah, I could do that man. I'll do that for you. Would you cancel? No, I have one. I have one. Yeah, go ahead. Uh, poirier could be rematch his retirement fight for the championship

You're sitting front row. You know what you're cornering him at this point Bobby dies wouldn't you do? Just probably wish bobby was there with me, you know But like in a loving way man, I would and I'd bring that tit with me for good luck And I put it at the bottom of the ice bucket of poirier's ice bucket. Yeah Let's do a softball one. Let's do a softball one. Um, okay That's who you met. Let's see you met a girl. Are we get somebody at least gonna wash my hair? We're a popular fucking barbershop my friend. Yeah, I know you didn't make an appointment. You didn't make an appointment

I'm just Let's cut to the trim So you went to vegas and you saw the fight now Well, I mean so poirier, I I did you see the fight. Oh my god crazy. We saw the fight crazy, right? I know a lot of listeners aren't into the UFC and shit. You should be I think they are it's growing There was a hundred thousand new people watched uh the fights the other night heard Like brand new for the first time which is pretty it's a that's a lot of people for every fight by the way was entertained to watch But the poy and if for some reason

Now because there's no audience You can hear and feel Every slap every punch every elbow. It's so brutal. Oh it's like fucking in prison I I much prefer this setup with no audience Like I'm really just zoned in and I feel like the fighters almost seem looser And just willing to really like slug it out like they aren't there aren't any other extra elements that they have to worry about And I feel like the fights have been better. Yeah, they're right. We were talking about they don't seem as nervous They don't you know, imagine like oh, I know my crew right? I kind of know their crew. Yeah, you know, there's Dana. What's up?

He's like 20 feet away. What way right? And then you're like, you know the cameraman you're used to It's the pressure is up if you and I it's a good point Yeah, if you and I were doing this podcast right now and there was a fucking 30,000 people around us He would change the way we would do it even that's a good point. We wouldn't get a laugh. We'd just be like oh Fuck right, right? Yeah, and if the crowd all did something and maybe you weren't like aware of it Especially if you're in a fight if they all make like a oh and you don't know what's going on

It might have you like backpedaling like am I not seeing something? That's a good point. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, and also like they're able to hear their corner so well and they're able to hear the color commentary So like I know that poirier heard my bissping. I saw that too. Yeah. Yeah, and he was like listen to bissping Yeah, and it's funny because bissping I I think favor poirier a little bit because at one time he's like get your hands up Yeah Yeah, hello slub kingdom. We have big news Oh tiger belly is excited to present the tiger belly singing competition Brought to you by the tiger belly patreon your home for the official tiger belly singing competition show

That doesn't mean you have to be on the patreon to enter all sleepers can enter the competition If you want to participate record your audition Name the file with your email address and upload it to drop box Let me let me repeat that. This is how you are able to participate you record your audition Yep, you name the file with your email address. Yep You then upload it to drop box. Yeah, uh-huh the link in the description the link is in the description The winner gets to sing the outro song for the tiger belly podcast with more possible prizes Gil we would like to thank our patreon members for making this possible for more on that can go to patreon.com

Slash tiger bow once again if you want to participate record your audition and very important name the file with your email address So we can contact you and upload it to drop box at bit.ly slash tiger belly talent link in the description but I think um The fights are better It's uh, I just the audience just drives me crazy me too. Yeah, and I think um It's just it's just funner to watch. We're like even when you saw that I don't know if you saw the fight before the brendan allen And yeah versus docus. He's from Louisiana. He's from he's from the same

Brendan allen is yeah He was really really all in allen baby. And but that docus kid too. That was his ufc UFC debut he fought hard. Yeah, he has a glory mcdonald vibe. Yeah He fought hard man. I think both those guys will have you know continued have good success It was You know, it's interesting because even dustin sat after the fight he goes he likes it better without the audience there Oh, he did say that. Yeah, which I thought was interesting because you would think like from our from comedy It's like yeah, you want people to be in there?

But I guess it's probably like you're saying like it's almost like Podcasting it's like it's more comfortable sometimes when it's just you or when it's just a small group Because you can kind of zone in on a little bit more on what you're doing. You're not doing it for someone You're doing it more for yourself, you know Yeah, and that's exactly it like when I look at those fighters. There's no audience I feel like they're fighting because they love it. There's no No, they're not performing for anybody. They it's in their bones They're out there to fight and it's really inspiring to see those guys beat the shit out of each other for 25 minutes

With no one around. Yeah, but they would be bummed. They would be bummed though If they fought no audience But then somebody told them afterwards Oh, we forgot to turn the cameras on And they're like bleeding right only seven people watched it guys Yeah, that would be a fallback, right? Yeah And they're like you have to do it again win a year. Yeah. Yeah. It's like man. I'm not doing that again for you here I have one of my eyebrows in my pocket

Right, right. Now what that's crazy was poye's um Is it poye? Poye, yeah, they got a either one. Yeah, that's that's a poye. Yeah Yeah, yeah was poye his eye was he like because I've never talked to because we've had bisming on our podcast And but we've never talked to I've never talked to a fighter directly after a match right or fight. Was he coherent? Yeah, it was funny man. He showed up About an hour and a half. He had to go to the hospital. He said and um So I just went up there and met up with his wife and some of his friends who were sitting there watching the fight about five people six people maybe and then

Uh, he had to go to the hospital one thing that he said that was really funny was he said at the hospital. He's in one Uh, like stall or whatever they're called in uh, dan hooker Um, who's also an amazing. He seemed like an amazing dude is in the other stall And this is a curtain between them and dustin said he goes and I told him he goes Hey, man, I just heard we got the fight of the night bonus. Yeah, and uh, and hooker goes. Oh, that's great, man Still feels just the same I would have laughed at that. Oh, I would have laughed at that. Yeah, me too, man That's one of the beautiful things I love about humor is that

Just sometimes some jokes can only be it can only happen in one space in one time And there's no it can never happen again, man. Yeah, that's one of my favorite things about about humor Dustin's really funny, man I think a lot of people will get to see a lot of his personality, but he's really really funny But it was cool man. He came back and he's just dressed like like he's just fucking, you know I went to a business meeting Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah or something man. They always do that. They wear suit afterwards, right? Yeah. Yeah, like I'm a professional Yeah, and I guess they are man. It was fun. We got to sit and watch the fight again

so we sat and watched the fight on his computer and just um, uh Yeah, it was just it was just interesting then to be able to watch him like kind of go through the fight and Yeah, I don't know. He just loves fighting. He he just loves it. You can tell Oh, what I found interesting in the fight was between the fourth and fifth round his corner man or his coach goes Um, you having fun out there? I'm having a blast Right. That's not what I would say I go, oh Yeah, yeah, I can't feel nothing. You know what I mean? Or is it, you know, there's blood in my skull

I can feel blood in my skull You know or something like that. What would you say? I don't think say I would having a blast out there All right, does it look like a blast? I think you have to do that in case they hear you across the cage and to just tell yourself What are you gonna? Oh And I think that's where they're able to do that kind of that kind of sport because I'm like you man I'm just fascinated by the fact that those guys can do that because I don't have that in me You know, I just have that thing that's more Just fear, you know, you know be able to just

Go past those moments of like of fear and see what's on the other side of them in anything It's pretty wild. But I could understand that. That's why I like it. I could understand um going through a scary situation And coming out the other side, right? Yeah, and that kind of like and especially if you win But even someone like Dan Hooker He knows Like if I went in there and I half asked it, I know I didn't train that good Right in the third round. I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore

But if you're like a Dan Hooker, you could tell he put everything on the fucking line Yeah, and so he's sitting there next to poye and also fight of the night and all that you know when you lay in bed Even though you lost, you know that it's for the history books You know, I mean, no one's gonna watch that and go Everyone said on twitter and stuff. Wow that Dan Hooker is a beast. That was a close fight. What a warrior Yeah, right and he he can take that with them in his life and that probably motivates him for the next fight I think it's an addiction in that one. That's that's I don't care about rankings. Like when I look at a fighter I always care about and Dustin poye is a perfect example of that. When has he ever had a boring fight?

Yeah, ever. Yeah, like we always watch his fights. I don't care how he's ranked where he falls in that Where he falls there. I will always watch him forever. Yeah Yeah, there's something. Yeah, it's something it's something a It's something that's just amazing to see some of these guys do How they manage it and how they then afterwards sometimes go back to like the respectable You know, they still respect each other and stuff I think there is also a level like you're saying Bobby of like earning a respect win or lose Yeah, feels like a win-win like I thought that was a win-win for them and for us

I feel bad for the like the ones that aren't in UFC the amateur fighters Oh, yeah, they have to holiday in yeah, yeah Right, but then the next day they're like delivering domino's pizza. Oh, yeah, definitely. Yeah with yeah with both their arms are broken Balancing it on their shoulder up to the door I feel bad for those guys like even in like The premier league in England foot the soccer, right the fourth tier guys Right because there's what 700 teams in England But they you know have their matches. They still have to go to practice, but then they also have to go to their accounting job

Yeah in the lower tiers in the lower tiers. Okay. Yeah, so I just feel bad, you know, I just feel bad for that But that's what yeah, that's how you know, they they just love to do it. Yeah, and that's meritocracy too You got to have that you got to have I think people that earn their way into the to the big space, you know Yeah, how do you feel about comics? And I've been I've been struggling with this for many many years and I think I've changed my point of view on it Dude, we sound like smart people. Do you notice that all of a sudden? Intellectual like in the past 10 minutes, I don't even know what happened What if it all have to be silly Billy? No, I know I just feel like we're just just like all of a sudden

I don't know we're in a library now, baby. Yeah, I feel like we're in a library We should bring it we should bring it back down. We should take it down the notch back to low, bro Yeah, we need somebody. Yes. Yeah, I'll talk about my dick later. I got little bumpies on my dick I want to talk about you have bumpies on your dick. No, I'm just kidding. I don't have any bumpies I was just trying to make something up to go low my dick has like a little like a I don't want to say like a it almost has like a like a little belly button on the end of it. I feel we hang on Hang on. That's called for skin. Yeah, I have that too. I have a belly button, too Wait, hang on. There's a belly button underneath it. No, no, no, like on the very tip. Yeah

It's almost like a little lookout kind of like a little bitty piece of skin It's no bigger than like two pieces of little salt. Oh, yeah, that's for skin. I have a dark ring of hate What? Yeah, yeah, if you look at my staff, all right, I would let the staff but the like, you know The shaft, staff shaft, I have a wizard. So I call my staff. You know what I mean? It has a glow. That root The root, right? The root, right? I have a dark ring of hate around it. Oh, wow. It might be psilocybin Oh, wow. It might be psilocybin. No, what's what's what's I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. Psilocybin is the active ingredient. It's that mushroom. Hey, what do you mean? You don't know what it is? It was a computer in front of you. Dude, what is it? 1987? All right, look it up. I'm sorry, man. I'm joking.

It's shroom skills. It's that green. It's a purple circle around a mushroom that makes you feel exotic. Yeah. Yeah. But it's got it's you know, I don't know how it happened because you know when I was a baby where I was a young man, right? Because I see I would say very different. I was a baby young man when I was a baby young man, you know, I mean at eight, eight or nine or whatever. Eight or 30. Right. I would probably analyze my penis maybe 10 times a year. I love looking at my dick when I was younger. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like really analyze. Oh, yeah. I would stretch the, you know, hold it. What? I'd go into somebody's bathroom and lay on my side by the scale and just set it right on that scale. Oh, wow. If they're one of them little scales. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, I used to put glue or, you know,

you know, on your penis. Make mold. Elmer's glue on my dick. Oh, wow. Try to make a mold. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. And show it to my mom. You guys ever pull a worm out your butt before? Oh, what? What happened? Cut. That wasn't part of the line, baby. But I respect what you're talking about. And I respect all women and I think that. But you guys didn't have worms when you were younger? No. Yeah. People did have them. I didn't get them. I got lice. I got worm. Oh, I had lice too. Wait, wait. So in the Philippines, you just rando get rando? No, no, no, no, no. I was a real dirty kid. My, my, my dad didn't let us wear like even a t-shirt until we were like 11. We were just in our underwear. You're just like wild little mogulies. Yes. And so I never wore slippers and that's how

you get worms. And I would, yeah, I got worms and I'd pull them out my butt. I felt so good. I remember feeling wow. How big are we talking? One of them was real long. I felt something slimy and then I pulled it out and I swear like my eyes rolled in the back of my head. It felt so good. I had a worm on my butt. You did? Yeah. My friend Alan tried to fuck me. Alan? Yeah, camp. Yeah. A Jewish guy or not? No, no, no, you wasn't Jewish. I, whoa, dude. No, Alan is a, you know, I got, I got three friends named Alan. All of them are Jewish. I know Jewish name. I just didn't know. I can't, I don't want to say his last name. If you just said Randall, I wouldn't have said I was Jewish guy. I told you I had gay experiences when I was

a kid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody. So I just tried to do a callback from like 50 episodes ago. Well, I like, I try to do a callback. A lot of people got it. It didn't land the way I wanted it to land. I'll be honest. I got it though. If I was thinking about Alan, the Alan joke. Yeah. Right. The worm in my asshole Alan joke. Yeah. For about 30 seconds. And in my head, I was like, so I throw it out. I threw it out. You did. Obviously it's documented. Yeah. I threw it out. It's here. And then it had an uncomfortable land. Right. Yeah. You mean really no humor? Yeah. Then you guys started questioning me. Yeah. Who was, how old was Alan? Whatever, right? Well, Alan, I know my point is, is that Alan, I fucked the joke.

Wait, this is going to answer your question. Is it Alan with an A-L-A-N or an A-L-L-E-N? Because that might answer your question. I don't know. What is it? There is no Alan. There is no. There is no father. There's no Alan. Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, my God. So now we talked about the dick. Can we go higher up? I throw a little frickin. I'd slip a little dang sunflower seed up there for it. You feed the worm? To bait it? I mean, if I was young and I, you know, cared about animals and stuff, yeah, I bet I would, you know, get you a little, you know, a little cinnamon stick or something. Just, you know, give it a little, one of those good and plenty. Have you ever had one of them? What's a good and plenty? What's a good and

plenty? It's a candy. Small shaped candy. You probably wouldn't even feel it into your, into your butt, you know? Yeah. But a good and plenty. I've never heard of it. The candy. So let me just ask you some questions about it. This one. Purple one. All right. I can't see. I've never had one. Oh, so it's not chocolate based? No, I wouldn't do that. Okay. So good and plenty chocolate. You think I'm a damn school shooter? Oh man. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So that is chocolate. It's safe, man. It's booty. So it's, it's fruity. It's fruity. Oh, it's like a licorice. It's kind of licorice. It's a licorice. And the shape is from what I saw from the thing. The shapes. Tube shaped? It's conducive yet to a butt. Oh, it looks like a thinner pill. Yes.

I know what a good and plenty is. I've done it before. Yeah. So if I had a, yeah, but pulling a worm out of your butt seems just damn. God. Yeah. So what would you do? It should be like a national sport or something in some of those kind of foreign countries, you know, real. And one of our national sports is spider fighting. You guys do that in Louisiana where you put two spiders on a stick and you fight it out and then the other spider eventually like kills the other spider and then you bet money. That's what we did as kids. They're called kaka. Oh, that's so cool. So let me ask you, Sam, we didn't do anything like that. I know. So you have a stick stick and then, but there's only a specific type of spider. You have to get a kaka. You can't just get a

random black widow and I know, but the stick, the better on how many babies a dog was going to have, people be, oh, wow. The dog start welping and giving birth and people out there throwing, they're still born's count. Uh, I don't remember. And I'm glad I don't even know. I think people would, if it was still born, they just would shake it and pretend like it was making a sound like, oh, because nobody was showing a kid a still born animal. Jesus. But let's go back to the stick. If somebody did that, I'd fucking, I'd put a worm back in my butt. I would man. But baby, is the stick like a regular stick you would get from a tree or professional? Yeah. And you get, you get a matchbox, right? And then you, you compartmentalize the matchbox into six different

rooms and that's where you house your spiders with a little drop of milk and then you raise your spiders and you take it to your friend and you're like, do, are we, are we fighting today? And then you get a stick and then your friends gather around and then people bet on the spiders. Yeah. And then that's just a game we played. I would, I would make like little hats on it. You know what I mean? Just to get, you know, to, so people knew it was mine. Oh, it was Bobby's spider. I would do it like one of those, like, you know, those hat with the little fucking propeller. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Little propeller hat, right. And you even traveled with, you would spin it and just take off and yeah. Yeah. You're like the early drone. Yeah. I would name it. What would you

name it? Simone. Simon, something like that. Simon Simone with the propeller hat. You know what I mean? I would a little like Buddy Holly, Buddy Holly glasses, but he only died though in a plane crash. Richie Valens. Oh, heartbreaking. Yeah. You can go see the plane near Iowa. It's in a cornfield over there in Northern Iowa, right? South of Minneapolis. Dude, I saw La Bamba. Yeah, but you can go see the plane. You can go see where it had, where the, but don't need to see it. I saw La Bamba. Yeah. If you want the edited version, go see that if you want to go. Yeah. If you want to go pillage around a little bit, see if you can find still, you know, probably a seat, a buckle or something. My favorite line of La Bamba is this, I had a dream too, Richie. That was Willow

was our dad's name. Yeah. That was a good one. God, that movie's good, dude. It was so good. Oh, and why? It's like, you know, it's like, I know that he's Hispanic and that her white family wasn't supportive of it, but he's got a talent. Yeah. You know, I met a girl and Donna was her name. Classic, bro. Yeah. And he did another one. What was it called? There's plenty. But what's the main one that he did? Oh, La Bamba. La Bamba. That's the one. That's the main one. La Bamba? La Bamba, dude. All right. It goes, something like that. Something, something, you know. Yeah, man. So now we did lowbrow. We talked about our dicks, the rings, your belly button, your dick. Let's go high belly button. Let's go highbrow now. Back off the CNN version. Hold on. Yes. Highbrow. Okay.

So we, we switched it. Have you watched the show alone? Oh, it's the best show I've ever seen. I can't wait till Thursdays when the new episodes come out on History Channel. I watched the whole series on Netflix. It's amazing. We just started first episode on Netflix. Yeah. It's so good. It's really good. It's so good. Does it get better? It is so good, man. Because we love it so far. Yeah. It's only, you know what it is? Can we tell the audience? Yeah, I don't know. You know what it is? No. Okay. Imagine naked and afraid. Love it. You love naked and afraid. Yeah. I'm going to imagine whatever you're saying and let me see if you get it. Imagine naked and afraid, right? Except you're wearing Arctic gear, clothes, right? Whatever, whatever style that you want, right? You get

just let me finish. I am. You're allowed to have 10 items of your choice. Okay. You know, a thimble. You know what I mean? Whatever you need. You know what I mean? Doxycycline. Doxycycline. Can you bring antibiotics on there? That has to be one of them. That would be so smart. Just like a broad spectrum. Yeah. It's a great idea. Smart. Very smart. Thank you. So you get 10 items, right? Then you get helicoptered in to the North Pole. Some people call it Antarctica. Yeah. Some people call it where Santa lives. That's three things. Antarctica, right? North Pole, where Santa lives. And some people call it Santa. Or things. Santa as well. And then you get 10 contestants. They get dropped off in different areas of Antarctica. And basically the helicopter

flies away. And then you go, bye. It's not Antarctica. It's the Arctic. Arctic. Five. That's five things, right? And then they have to just survive. Is there an end goal? Less men standing. So people tap out. There's no time limit. Yeah. Like one of the guys tapped that after four days because he broke his leg. He broke his leg. But I was really rooting for him too because I thought that he was the best hunter of the 10. Yeah. But he didn't hunt shit, baby. He just said he was the best. No, no, no. He was like, I'm the best hunter and then he broke his leg. His profession, my profession, he was a hunting guide. And those guys are patient because they'll wait like, they'll stay five days, two weeks out just for one deer. They have that mental

resolve. We weren't able to see his ability. Skill and action. Right. You didn't get to see as much of his skill. And it's so good. But in the first episode, what we did see is one dude saw a squirrel 50 miles away on a branch, 50 miles, 50 in what shot it and shot it right through the fucking 10 one shot, one kill, one shot, one kill. So he brought a gun. No, he had a gun, dude. It was a bazooka. Oh, yeah, it makes more. He was playing wars with a fucking bazooka and he couldn't eat the fucking squirrel because he had blown this guy alone. It had blown the fuck pieces, bro. So, right. So important question. You guys are all one person. What 10 items are you guys bringing? Okay, this is a good idea. Theo, you go first. The doxy was such a good idea.

Let's do honest ones. Yeah. Do we get 10 as a group? 10 as a group. 10 as a group. Oh, 10 as a group. That's better because we don't want some birdies. But speak to your skill, though. Okay. How about this? How about this? We were a group, us three, Theo, me and Kalaila, right. And we get to pick nine things because we get three apiece as a group. And then you get to pick one. Thank you. You get to pick one. So you're a part of it too. And before you guys say your things, present your skill set in general. Okay, here we go. I have preserved fat in my body. So I don't really need, I could just not move and get nutrients from all the fucking fat in my body. I've stored a lot. Number two. So like a parasite or something. What is that? But you're

a parasite to yourself. Yeah, I'm a parasite to myself. Wait, what are you bringing? This is a skill set. My skill set. First, he's probably a skill set. You're not going to rely on me as much because we're bringing tools, right? No, but he asked what our skill set is. What is your skill set? Like, he's like, I was a hunter. I got it. I got it. Serenity is your skill set almost really. Yeah. Number two, right? I can mimic other animals. Okay. Right? Yeah. And they can sometimes, you know, I've done it. You haven't seen it, but not being real. We haven't seen it. You haven't seen it because you don't see me in nature, right? True. But I've done this and I've had things land on my fucking arms. Fucking impressive. Yeah, I did see. Yeah. Yeah. Not an

animal, but like an acorn fall. Yeah. You know what I mean? Where somebody spit on his arm. Yeah. Get off this trail, gook. Spit right on my arm. Caught it. Caught it. I also have, um, I can keep up. I can uplift people with my words. Yep. That's true. Right. Positive attributions. Yeah. Right. And for, um, I think I would go, honestly, this is a true one. I would go out of my way. I think, and I'm like that in real life, especially not you, but to her, I would go out of my way to make it seem, to make, take care of Kalaila. Amen. Right. So that'd be good for you. So caring. Yeah. You'd be like, I care for everybody. Like a nerve so much. Yeah. Also, I'm not, also, I'm not, come on. There's a lot of things you have, but I'm not also greedy

with like, I'm not one of those. It's like, I hunted this fucking muskrat. Right. So I get half and you guys share the rest. But I would equally, you know what I mean? Your Filipinos, you would eat that eyeball. I think people get weird when they're faced with survival. Yes. And that is like the mental, you would have to have trained yourself in really like dire situations in the past to know these things about yourself. Cause I don't think we know ourselves and so we're there. Oh, I don't know. It's a good point. Yeah. Who would we turn into when the, when the going, what are your attributes Theo? I would say if we had a, had a game night or something, I would think that I would be able to like think up fun games for us. I think I would

probably be the chef, like regional chef. And I think that I would probably also be willing to sacrifice my body. In what way? In what ways? I don't know. Like maybe this is what I see you doing since you're a very principled man. I see you getting the attention of like an aggressive male moose during mating season and getting him real close so that I get a good shot. Yeah. So that's a sacrifice. I was willing to risk myself. You would risk your body for my, for heat. Yeah. I think would you, oh, I would lay right in between y'all and just close my eyes and let you guys be comfortable with each other. You would be between them. I mean, I would lay, I would lay penis down and let y'all lay. I would, and I would not even,

and I would keep my ears closed and I was close. Y'all could do whatever y'all wanted and just, and I would just be real quiet. What's your attributes? My attributes is I'm very good with food first aid. Okay. That's huge. Very good. Yeah. I'm also pretty good with identifying what's poisonous and not poisonous and what's edible. Because I would eat rocks. Yeah. I would eat rocks. Yeah. Well, you can use gravel to help you digest food. And if we are by a close water source, I am very good with just water in general, fishing, things like that. She's a water person. Oh yeah. And you're a swimmer. We could put you in there. Hey, we're coming. It's too cold though. If I had, that's the one thing I would bring with me is a dry suit, a dry suit, because I would

attempt to. So first item, dry suit. Okay. Yeah. Or that or you could just fish. That's for her. She's getting food for you. Yeah. Oh, you're right. It has to be a good thing. It fucking works. So I would bring a net. One. Wow. You're, we're going to need you to step away from the camp for a little bit. What I'm saying is that you just said you have positive affirmations. What I'm saying is that she gets a fucking wet. She wants to dress up a little bit. We're going to be out there for a long time. We don't even know if that's going to be enough for you. And so all of a sudden, you bring a wet suit, you go on to the cold. No, a dry suit. A dry suit. You don't get wet at all. Dry suit, Bobby. Not a wet suit. It's a dry suit. You're completely insulated and warm.

It's the opposite. With a hood and everything. Oh, it's like one of those old school like scuba diving. It's like boy in the middle of the 19 hundreds of metallic gold things. It's what the scientists, it's what the scientists divers wear when they, when they go after a leprosy. Yeah. Dry suit. Dry suit. Dry suit. There's no cold. Okay. So I'm sorry. My bad, baby. Bring that. I think that we would live really well. If I had a dry suit and if I, if I had a good, if I had a nice spear gun, I could feed us every day. Yeah. But I would probably get lonesome. You guys have each other and then I feel like I would get lonesome and I would probably have to leave and go do my own camp at some point. No, that's negative. Do you think that in this

survival, when your face is survival, that you, how many times in a month are you jerking off? Never. Yeah, I wouldn't jerk off all at all. I would save every, unless I, unless it, you know, things got really dire, then I would jerk off for someone else, but I'm not jerking off for myself. Food source? I wouldn't say, I wouldn't call it food. I would say vitamins. Would we get so desperate for calories that I would, you would eat each other's come? He said vitamins. He said vitamins. He said good and plenty. Does come and I'm not eating any regional semen, man. But does come have protein? Yes. Some people say like nine calories exactly, right? What is it?

Bro, I would rather just suck my thumb and hope for the best. What about this? What if I use my come as a claim, as a claim, as a demigloss, demigloss. Like I make a salmon. Oh my God. And I put a little, I missed the old place before you guys started doing it in this cutthroat garage. Yeah. All right. No, come, come out. We didn't know that comes out. Seem and call it seem. Y'all see, but what if I was on my knees, 25 calories per teaspoon have come. Oh my God. Theo, I'm on my knees. I haven't eaten. Can we say semen? Jesus. What do you guys raise in a damn. We'll have to come in our mouth again. I'm on my knees. I'm begging for 25 of your skeet. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot of calories. You're not giving it to me. She's not going to blow

you, dude. We're going to drink off the other tree. We're going to drink off the other tree. And then we're going to all run when we're about to run. And she's going to open. We're going to go. Oh, no, no, no, put it in a, in a cup. No, put it on a leaf back. Yeah. Oh, that's right. I'm not putting it in a cup like some kind of center, dude. Yo, I put it on the back of a leaf and then you guys can do with it as you will. But I would close my eyes while you guys did that or go be by myself. So your item is one, is it dry suit? A dry suit and a speargun. Speargun is number two. And in a fire starter. Seeming. I cannot. I'm very, very sensitive to the cold. Okay. And I don't do well with cold. So I have

to have a fire starter, a reliable one. Yeah. I would do sleeping bag. I would probably do one of those lanterns. And I would do a decent axe, probably a dole axe. An axe is definitely nonchild. So that's like, if somebody doesn't get a kettle, if you don't get a kettle, I'll be really disappointed. Kettle number one then. Okay, we gotta boil some water. I had no option. Kettle number one. Number two. Can you bring a condo? A condo? A condo. A condo. A condo. A condominium. Like a downtown L.A. arts. Like, you know how they have those portable houses? Yeah. Oh, like a double one. It's not a house,

dude. That's for storage. Okay. Or a shed. A shed. Like, can you, if I get an item, I can bring a fucking double wide trailer like Will Smith has on a set. Yeah. Will Smith trailer. I'll call him. Yo, dude, I'm about to do a long. Can I borrow your trailer? He's not going to answer, dude. And you can't bring that. Why? It's an item. Huh? It's a full, no, it's a bunch of items put together. You have to get one. All right, fine. My bad, dude. All right. So I'll bring the bed from the trailer. So mattress. A mattress. This is a team effort right here. He already has a sleeping bag. Yeah. One. And I'll also hold my breath while you're asleep on my back. Or I'll bring a tent.

Oh, that's good. That's good. I'm good with that. A tent is good. A tent is good. A tent is good. I'll bring a tent. So I have the, Will, just let me finish. I'm done. Kettle tent. I had a kettle. What's a kettle? For water holding stuff. Make it soup. How about a, not a kettle, but how about like a pot? Something that we can use to boil water. I don't want a kettle. I want a pot. Oh my gosh. Are they the same thing? Yes. Yes. Okay. But I want to call it pot. Pot. A tent. And the third thing is, um, this is the pole pot calling the kettle right here. Can I bring, um, because we have to, like GPS, can I bring my iPad?

No. No. Cause you have to drive. You're going to hit Sam Tripoli's tent. You can't do that, dude. All right. That's not fair. It's insane. I'll bring a compass. Oh, um, I don't think it's necessary. Sounded good. Yeah. Cause you're not really traveling places. You're staying in one spot. Yeah. How about, um, I bring, how about you, you're a fish net already? No, I had a spear gun and a dry gun. I'll have a fish net. Yeah. Because I saw it in the only, you know, when Bobby to be fishing at stockings on accident, and he'll open up the package. He's like, at least there's two of them. So, um, that's it. We would die. No, I think that we would do okay. I think we would make it.

What do you guys think? George, how many days would you give us honestly out there? And the weather at first is like 25 degrees or maybe 40. Right. No snow yet. No snow yet. But then by probably towards, you know, every week I would say it drops 20 degrees or 10 degrees. What's the longest someone's done on the show? Because we've only seen one episode. I don't want to tell him that because I don't want to give away how long some of it is. What? That's generous. That's generous. I can last two days. I'll say, I'll say, uh, I'll say 14 days. I'm basically, I'm basically have a naked and afraid-ish guy. Wow. Yeah. It's not like naked and afraid because you have the things you need to survive.

Like if you're just a little bit, here's the, I don't get him. You guys hunt. Let's be fucking honest. I can, I can get. No, you're never going to kill shit. I'm going to kill shit. No, you're not going to kill nothing. Wait, but I have experience of killing stuff. You're supposed to be uplifting over there. Cause of affirmation. Oh my goodness. You're going to kill everything. You're supposed to be uplifting our group and you're not even out there in a garage. I get anger. I get emotional. No. Yeah. But that's what, how would, that's how it'd be down day one. We're killing shit. Right. So you're right. I can't bring

that energy into the situation. Right. You have to leave that out. So I have to be like four days in. We haven't caught anything. Yeah. And I have to be more positive. It's going to happen one day guys. Yep. I'm, I'm real confident in myself with a fish guys. So if you tell me that you can subsist on fish that I catch and that you guys keep me warm, cause I'm very bad with a cold, we can, we can, we can do it. Well, I'll keep Bobby warm. I'll sleep on Bobby's like back and he'll, you'll sleep in front of Bobby. You sleep on my back. Well, I mean, it's like, I feel like that's a fair way to do it. You know, that's the appropriate way to do it. Yeah. You know, I'm not sleeping next to your

woman, even if we're indoors or outdoors. Right. He's a principled man. I'll be trying my best. Well, then I'll be in the middle. Let's get naked. We get completely naked. Just hear me. It's gay. Why would we be naked in the Arctic? Yeah. Because we're in the sleeping bag. Yeah. Right. Imagine this. Us three naked in a sleeping bag. I'm in the middle. Kalei lives in front of me. Theo's in back of me. We're jam packed in a fucking. Kalei. Just hear me out, dude. I'm trying to hear you out and it's hurting. I know, but just hear me out. We're jam packed into a fucking sleeping bag. Right. Imagine that. You're like sardines. You're getting warm from our bodies. Right. Okay. And then the fucking

back sleeping bag is insulating the heat. Right. Right. And then all of a sudden, I would probably even ignore his erections. I wouldn't get it right. I don't think anyone gets erect. Yeah. This is an erection time. This is survival time. I don't get erect when our frickin love when my life is on the line. I can't get erect in your broken glass even. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't get it. So you're saying two and a half days. You're saying this ain't a hampton in. Dude, you even know what we're getting into. I feel like you just, you don't really know what we're getting into. I know because I have only seen one episode. I think if I see the series, which I'm going to do tonight, yeah, I'm going to burn through it all.

Right. So fast. In my head, I'm going to be like, Oh yeah, two and a half days. George had it right. Yeah. I believe George thinks that, well, you just, you don't even want to go camping. I mean, are we at a movie theater? I'm going to have one. What flavor kisses it? These are almonds. Good. I don't like the regular man. They put something bad in the chocolate a couple of years ago. They changed the recipe. Like they did it with Coke. No, they just did something to it. I think try to cut corners, save money. My sister says the meth that's out right now is really something. Wow. Man, it's probably pure as fuck. She's saying the, the, the arrestees that she's been getting on meth are

just a whole nother level. God, I want that dude. We got to get Bobby. Maybe that's the 10th thing we're bringing to the woods, man. You can't pick anymore. It's meth. I mean, that would make sense, right? Because you, it is like, what do you call it? It pleads your hunger. It takes away your hunger. Yeah. You wouldn't want to eat for a month. No sleep. We don't need to sleep. Yeah. Right. No, but you, you'll, you'll run yourself to the ground. No, we won't. We'll build a gazebo. Probably. Yeah. Good. We'll build a city first thing. Cause I'll build a freaking GameStop, bro. If I'm one for him. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I'll build a damn freaking water burger out there. I'll be able to build whatever, but, but with math, we could probably last 14 days.

I think so. But it's going to end badly though. It'll be bad. Yeah. Real bad. It's going to end with sex. It's going to end with someone is going to not going to be going to be alive at the end. Someone's going to, I'm going to look like Rick Ingram. Yeah. I mean, just like sick. Like sick Ingram. You're going to look like the same beautiful. Thank you. Thank you so much. And what about me? You're probably going to look like, um, you know, the fat Dylan, the, the door guy at the comedy store. Look like him. Look, somebody says Jimmy Schubert's son. Really? Yeah. But I, that could, I, yeah, somebody did say it. So, um, I really want to go serious. One of my favorite books is where the crowd ads sing.

It's so good. I read it. You read it? Yeah. I've been trying to get him to read it. It's unbelievable. It's the best. It's the best book. And I, I love the way her life in the marsh and all of that, how she just kind of learned it in her own way when it was better than any other encyclopedia out there. I want to test it out. Do you really fucking read the book? Yes, I did. Because I got the audio book. Yeah. Should I listen to it? I mean, look, at this point, yeah, might as well, you know, you got the audio book to you've already taken all the fricking brain work out of it. Now you're asking, should I listen to it? Yeah, buddy. Yeah. Don't strain yourself, but get out, get out there. No, actually, I really loved it. I didn't, I didn't

know how much I was going to love it, but yeah, it just takes you to like a, she was just amazing. She just takes you to a place. It's just unbelievable. And then that girl's, the struggles, the dad with the alcoholism. Um, man, it's good. Really good book. Plus, the author is a zoologist, right? That's why. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's right. She had all those things with all the things, all the different animals and stuff like that. Nature animals, nature, uh, you know, flying little things that are in nature, all the herons, insects, heron, eagle, nightingale, sparrow, you know, um, McCaw, everything, sandbirds, everything they had in there. So yeah, that's good, man. Should we wait for that alarm to stop? No, no, no, man.

This is one of our first tests. If we can't handle this, we're fucked up. We are screwed. No, I'm sorry, Bobby. Was that being mean to you, man? I'm sorry. I just been a long day today. So, what I wanted to say, there you go, is feel that peace come into us. Yeah. What I wanted to say, I felt that, man, is, that's what's real. Sorry, but did you feel it? It was interesting. Sandbirds. It kind of hit us, man. It was like peace saying, hey, hey, I'm here. Yeah. What I wanted to say is, is that I initially, no, I know how to read. I know that, man. I should have said that. I just, stop, stop. I know how to read. I've read pamphlets. Yeah. I've read

directions, like when I get, it's pamphlet, but yeah. Okay. I've read pamphlets, pamphlets. When I get, you know, when I order from Goldbelly, I get my frozen pizzas. Oh, I think you took me to that shit old one time on your birthday, didn't you? No, it's app. My bad. Go on. Yeah. Yeah. And I get a pizza. I know how to cook it because I know how to read. And for me, it's like, I don't have a good imagination. So when I read stuff, right, I don't know what house, I don't have to pronounce certain words when I read. And so I have a, maybe a mental deficiency or whatever. MD. Yeah. So when I read, when I listen to audiobooks, I am able to, you know, get the correct pronunciations of certain words. And I, I'm going to be able to imagine

it. But a good, when you read a good book, you don't need a good imagination. They paint it out for you really well, especially this book, the details. But normally, you know, I, I need, you know, even though you've suggested so many good things to me, you know, in fact, last night, we saw a fucking documentary called athlete A. It's good. It's about Larry Nasser from USA Gymnastics and how he, he basically finger banged all those little girls. I shouldn't say it like that. Yeah. That's what he did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like this girl. Did you see a documentary? You know, the, the, the Olympic gymnastics association had a doctor named Larry Nasser and he was number one. You find out in the document, he didn't even get paid. No,

he's a fucking singlet chaser, dude. You know how difficult, you know, the coaches, they are so kind of mean, you know, they're easy. Well, yeah, like a Marta, the Russian baby, the Russian. Yeah. Yeah. The Corolles, the Corolles. They're like, they were Nadia Komenichi's coaches. So they were just really celebrated, tough, right. Tough. They'll stretch out. Yeah. And then it's so you have all this negativity and stress, right? And emotional and physical abuse. And then they had this guy, this doctor who would give these kids on the side candy. And he was nice to them. It's a huge, you know, red flag. Yeah. Right. And then like, you know, do leg massage and then all of a sudden just jam.

You know, yeah. And how he tried to defend it too. He was like, Oh yeah, this is just, you know, coccyx manipulation. Right. Is that what he said? Yeah. He would do things like he would talk about like the, the, the pubic synthesis, like things in a really medical, he would use a lot of medical jargon to defend what he was doing to these girls. And these poor girls, you know what I mean? They killed their children, their children, their children. But then they go out there and they compete and some of them become, you know, Olympic gold gymnast. Right. Legends, legends, the legends of our time. Right. But you, it goes to show you that maybe, you know, you know, there was a thinking and I might have to cut this out, but there was a thinking that

we had a discussion, not the molestation, but the strict training in my head. I was like, does the strict training, right? Equate to Olympic gold. But Kalala was like, you can still be nice. Right. And still have love and still create champions. And I'm tending now to believe that. Well, I, my theory is that while discipline, hard work, very regimented old school, Soviet practices might work, you just don't have a longevity there because there's only so much emotional abuse and physical abuse and so much of your body that you can run down. So it's like, I always say these girls in the nineties, most athletes, including myself, we peak when we're 18, we're done. Our bodies are already broken. We've had every single injury there is to have.

Well, now they're being a little bit more, you know, forgiving, they're being a lot more loving and supportive. And no, these, you have Dara Torres, who was a swimmer in her 35, still competing in the Olympics. And that was unheard of before. Yeah. Imagine if comedy was like that, it would take the fun out of it. You know what I mean? If I fucking had a bad joke, I get in a Polish person, hit me with a ruler. That was a bad joke. Right. You get good fast. I bet though. Right. Yeah. You get good, but we all do that to ourselves. I think that Polish person just inside of you. That's what it is. That's what it is to ourselves. Yeah. We've been talking. I just want to, honestly, I want to get to like real, real started. That's what I want to do. We just

give them a haircut. We're almost done. We're almost done. But when do you, do you, how bad do you miss stand up right now? Last week was the first time that I started to kind of miss it for a few minutes. Yeah. That's the first time that I kind of started to think, Oh, well, maybe I'd like to try out a joke or two. You know, I feel like it's gotten so, you know, I missed because I, I missed because I know there's people that probably want to laugh and it'd be fun to go places and perform for them. You know, like go to like, I thought about trying to go to some smaller cities and do some shows. But the desire to like get on stage and talk about stuff new or it seems like really risky to right now, you know, like I'm a straight white male, you know, we're semi white,

you know, I'm Polish Nicaraguan. But if you look at me, you think, Oh, this guy's retarded, you know, semi, you know, semi SR. 20%. So, you know, it just, you know, it's been a little dice like, man, are we even going to be able to talk anymore? You know, but then just recently, I haven't thinking, well, maybe it's just a real challenge. Now you really gotta, you really are going to have to, you know, walk kind of a fine line. Yeah. So I don't know, I'm waiting almost to see how, how, like I, in my feelings, respond to some of that, you know, because it's like in jokes that I told before the thing, can I even tell this now? Now, can I share my truth even? You know, and I think people still will respond almost started to think that maybe live comedy

shows, if they lock up people's phones will be more real than ever, because it'd be the only place you can actually hear somebody really be real, because people just shut you down online. If you try to even be really authentic and not just the status quo. Yeah. Yeah, we can't get to a place where the reason why I podcast and the reason why I do stand up is because these are two art forms. Even podcasting is an art form, right? Is it or no? I mean, there is, you know, we come up with things, you know, and, but these are two mediums, let's say, not even art forms, where we can, I love it because I, you know, on mad TV, back in the day when I was on that show, people would tell you what to do, right? You have to say these lines, right? You would improvise,

but they usually cut it together and just do whatever they wanted the fuck to do, right? This is truly mine. I make, and that's what I meant, right? Yes, yo. Sorry. Yes, I fucking know that. Whoa, buddy. I know, my bad, but what I'm saying. You want to sleep outside tonight? No, but what I'm saying. No, I'm joking, dude. I'm just giving you a hard time. You know, even in this podcast, I've met a lot, you know, I sit, I threw out the condo thing, right? And then you guys were like, I have to say tent, right? Right. We've got a little hard on you. Yeah. Yeah. I've hit a lot of things. You know what I mean? I started talking about my, the, the, the, the dark ring of hater on my penis, right? That didn't bode well. Yeah. I had another joke that didn't

work. What was the joke that didn't work? The Allen, the Allen, the Allen and the butt worm. That failed miserably. The butt. Really? I didn't like it, right? In retrospect. But, you know, so I make mistakes, but this is why I like it because I could just be myself and, and converse and say whatever I want to say and express myself, right? Yeah. Stand up is the same way. And it feels like, you know, society now is seeping in to even these mediums, right? And I feel like there's consequences now and we have to be, we have to edit. Yeah. But we can't, we can't really, we can't be like that. Right. It's, it's scary. It's scary. That's what they want us to think, but we can't be like that. We can't. And I'll speak from a woman's perspective. Like I'm all about, you know, like

I was a victim of sexual assault. So I'm all about getting the bad people out. But at the same time, it's like, we're doing a lot of counterintuitive things. I think there's just women are and it's like, I, I'm not, I hate, I hate the mob. I hate the online mob. I hate the council culture. And there's just zero nuance there. We even women don't give each other breathing room to be real with each other and be authentic. Because the moment I say, well, wait a second, let's discuss this. Well, what about, or offer a differing opinion other than, you know, let's burn them at the stake. I'm viewed as an apologist. Right. So that's where I feel as though it's, we're not even being kind to each other in our own alleged safe space. We're not even allowed to have that discourse.

Because then I'm just somebody I'm labeled as someone who doesn't understand it or right. Go read these links. Right. And I, I'm not reading this. Probably what you think. Yeah. Yeah. So in that sense, it is frustrating because I, if that's not, we're never going to get to a place of like, you know, clear water and yeah. And some people don't want to. Some people I find really just want to control. They don't want to have everybody be heard. They want to control you. You know, some people, it's not about like, hear my side and understand me. It's about you need to be this way. This is the only way that you can be as a human being. And it's not even an idea of their own. It's like nobody wants to think inside of themselves, you know. But then also I feel like

that's just a world. If you focus on that world and that's the world that we are in. And if we don't focus on it, then we're not, you know, and we can be in our, we can be in our own world. And we have to try to do that. Sometimes I feel like, you know, that's a real test to try and still say what we want to say and be wrong if we're wrong. Yeah. Isn't that a thing now where you're not given any chance for a redemption arc ever in your life where it's like, if you're wrong, you're going to stay wrong and we're going to punish you forever. We're going to strip your livelihood away from you. You know, and this is the label we're going to, you know, staple to your forehead for the rest of your life. And I just don't think that's real life. I don't think that's,

that's, that's the society I want to like raise children in. Yeah, I agree. So human beings are complex creatures. Yes. Right. We're not just one thing. Right. We're many, many different things. You know, um, yeah, we're good and bad. We're wrong and right. Right. Yeah. There are, there are sides of me that people aren't even aware of that watch my comedy or, you know, there's things that I believe and there are things that, you know, that I want to keep private or whatever. People, there are also, I'm different around comics via, let's say, AA people. Like when I'm with, you know, people from alcoholics anonymous or I'm doing recovery work or whatever, or I'm with my therapist, I am a certain way. The humor isn't really, you know, I don't really try to get a laugh,

you know, or, you know, and I'm not thinking of comedy. I'm being more real. Whereas, you know, I fuck around with my comedy friends. And so there are different masks that I wear, right? So it's like, it's a complex issue. And, but nowadays it feels like, you know, you're this and that's what you are and you're going to forever be this. And that's fucked up, man. Yeah. Because that's not the truth. Yeah. Yeah. I think that if I look at my dad's life and I zoomed out, this is my therapist always says, you got to zoom out. You got to stop being so fucking involved in like, you know, your small little circles. But if you were to look at someone like my dad, who I love dearly, I met him, Richard. No, that's my stepdad, Roger. Oh,

your dad passed away, right? Roger is beautiful, though. I love Roger. We did the pilot bro. Yeah. I remember that too. Remember when I was the waiter? Yeah, that was a fucking funny day, dude. And then when we saw drunk T.J. Miller. Oh, yeah. Did you guys have him on? Yeah. He was great on her. He's great. T.J. Miller is great, man. He loves talking about T.J. Miller. I think there's a lot of comedians who are still like it doing exactly what you're saying, you know, like recognizing that like Josh Wolf, you know, is outspoken about that kind of stuff. I feel like you know, just wanting to recognize that people are humans, you know, like we just had Diplo on the podcast and we were talking about that just cancel culture and he was just saying how it's

it just doesn't leave anybody room to be, you know, human, which is what we are, you know. And so what does that mean? But it only it's only real if we really, really buy into it, you know. Yeah. But what's scary about comedy now as well is if you have an all white lineup at a comedy club, there's suspect there because of the fact that there are, I know so many people of color that are super funny, right? But you can't also create a lineup and tick a box. Like we need the blind Nigerian. Yeah. I mean, we need, you know, I mean, the albino dwarf. Yeah, we need a menthol. We need a fricking, you know, somebody from Arabia. We need, why did you look at me? Because, well, here's why, man. That's merit. You know, you're saying about no, if there's no meritocracy,

like, and I don't even understand it in comedy because my favorite comedians are probably Maria Bampford, Chris Rock and Jerry Clower. He's white. And then the other guy who burned his head up with the drugs, Richard Pryor. Richard Pryor. Yeah. Dude. So two of my favorite comedians are black. One of my favorite comedians is a woman. Yeah. Like it's always been talent based because here's the thing. If you, if you, if, because first of all, those people worked really hard a lot of times to get to that position. I got to work for like 15 years before, you know, I really started to have any real career. I felt like in stand up. Bro, I want to say, I remember you when you were coming up, dude, right at the place in Westwood. Yeah. Right. And I would see you, right, come up with

your voice and fail and chisel at it to come up with your point of view and to really authentically be you. Because in the beginning of stand up, you're not authentically yourself. You're pretending to be a comic because that's something that you saw growing up. Right. So you mimic what you see, but then you'll see real comedians chisel away at that and become authentically themselves. And I saw you do that. I saw you work super hard. Right. And it's like, what Adam is getting is comics that weren't, you know, that don't get spots that aren't regulars. And now they're going, you know, a lot of girls, a lot of minorities going, you know, what about me? You know, and it's like what I wanted to tell them is, is that, is that I'm a 48 year old chunky Korean dude.

You know, who's kind of cute? You test. Well, I test one kind of cute, right? Yeah. But it's the reason why I get spots is not because of that. Those facts is because there's a lot of elements that go into that. Right. Is is that I worked a lot, a lot in Hollywood. You know, I've, you know, I've done a lot of stand up. I've done a variety of things. I have a popular podcasts. You know, I have, you know, a bunch of things, you know, I have a following. I'm also good on stage. Yeah, you have to. Well, yeah. Well, I mean, first of all, it's like, yeah, I'm a white guy from the South named one other white guy from the South. That's even at the comedy store. Right. You want to talk about like they're not being anybody like me a lot of times. Like I feel like diverse, man,

there's, you know, it's, it's so hard to get into this place and to get a career when you feel like you're everybody's enemy in the, you know, in the media wants to make you seem like you're the worst person in the world. Yeah. Yeah. But it has to be, it has to be based on merit because here's why, because say if you're a younger comic and I get it, you want to be on the, on the, on the good stages and you want to get spots. But if somebody just puts you on a big lineup and they do it and they take off the people who are selling the tickets that people are paying, then there's not going to even going to be anybody at the business. There's going to be no one. So you're going to be on the stage. There's not going to be anybody there to see it. And then

the business is going to go out of business. So then there's not even going to be a place for you to perform once you work hard enough to get there. So it's like, I know it's, it's, it does, it does, it seems long, short-sighted, but you just have to, you have to believe that your talent will make it happen. Yeah. Imagine being a talent creator, Bill Burr, right? Bill Burr, Sakura, all these guys call in, right? Theo, all these guys, right? And then you have like eight white guys, right? Then you, you know, Chappelle wants to go, you know, and then you're like, okay, well, I can't put Tom on because I already have Bill, right? But I got to put Olocke, Olocke on. He's Filipino? Whatever. Right? Even though- No, I would say he is from Sweden. I would-

Whoever. And so, Sakura, all these guys I can't put on because I had to fill some sort of quota, right? Yeah. And then all of a sudden, you know what I mean? People stop coming to the clubs, you know? And so it should be, again, merit-based, you know? How long have we done, Gilbert? I just want to say we're at, it's 7.15 right now, just in case. Is it really? Yeah. Yeah, I got to get. Oh, wow. I got to go. You got to go. All right. Let's do it. I would love to come back sometime though if you could. We're going to do it all helpful advice real quick and then can you go after that, five minutes? No, you got to go now. If I can I go now? Yeah, you can go now. I don't want to. No, but you have to go now. I love you. I love you too. And I wanted to say sorry if I

was rude to you, Gilbert, at all. I don't think I was. I don't know. I might have been in my head for like a second, but I think I was just kind of angry about something else. But I love you guys. Tell David, because David's, you're gonna have dinner with David? Yes. So tell David, because he invites me all the time. Yeah, you don't know. I'm not really quite ready to go out yet, but it's gonna be soon. Okay. And I love you guys, man. I love you too. I'll be honored to be in the woods stuck with any of you guys. You too, Gilbert. All right. Give him a round of applause. Theo Vaughn, all right. Drive safely. We love you. Go out that door. Go out the front door and get the fuck out of here. Okay. Make sure there's no cat following you though. Yeah.

You guys make sure you check out Theo's podcast this past weekend. Make sure you check out King and the Sting. Hatgate begins right now. Make sure you follow us on TigerBelly on Instagram, on Twitter, at that TigerBelly, PaulClaudeClamDK. Bobby Lee at Bobby Lee Live. Have a good night. I love you so much, dude. I want to do a birthday wish to my boy Bradley Newman. Bradley, happy birthday. I remember when you were a little tiny thing and you grew up and put hair on your eyes, face, look great. So happy birthday, man. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to TigerBelly ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go,

tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com slash survey.