TigerBelly - Ep. 255: The Bare Minimum with George Kimmel

Episode Date: July 22, 2020

Bobo is atmospheric. Koloko loves Togo. PD in the hot seat. We talk Toy Story 3, Mochi fights, calling guests, and Bob's 5 tips for life. Please support our sponsors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly ad-free on Amazon music download the app today Yeah Are you ready for the countdown sir look at George this is his first look at George She's nervous. He talked. I don't know if I'm nervous or excited or I just don't say anything until I bring your name up Okay, we prep for three days for this Five four three song Jeremiah was a bullfrog He was a good friend of mine. Is that the song? I Have you ever heard of that song that sounds like the most American song I've ever heard so I wouldn't know yeah, there was a song

Jeremiah was a bullfrog. He was a good friend of mine or something like that, but number Here we go There we go I know this song All right, I think I say it wrong. I say it wrong. I know I know What'd you do before Jeremiah was a bullfrog He made it sound like a kid like PBS like kids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Jeremiah was a bullfrog

He was a good friend of mine, but what's the song about an actual bullfrog? No, maybe that was like a term for like Remember was a bulldog ugly fat people a bulldog or bullfrog. I never understood a single word But I helped him drink his wine Yeah, maybe he had a pet bullfrog Mm-hmm. That was an alcoholic. Oh Yeah, it's a pretty dark song speaking of dark Speaking of dark and and light. Oh good of both things. Yeah, yeah Kalyla and I had an experience the other night. That was both dark and light

So she says to me You know about Togo I Go fuck you. That's my when I don't understand something. That's my he said sandwiches. Yeah Yeah, fuck you sandwiches kind of a thing He said no, it's a new movie by the Disney franchises It's called Togo and I go hmm. She's like it's out. You want to watch it? So obviously I looked it up And it got 91% on raw tomatoes and when somebody gets when a movie gets that high of a rating I genuinely will watch it

so we turn it on and At the end of the movie I Cried harder Then I've ever cried in my whole entire life. I went into Convulsion crying Like Like right I would turn to Kalyla and then Juliana they were all

Cry inconsolable. Wow. It's just about a stupid fucking sled dog. It's not just about a stupid fucking sled dog It's about Togo. Oh No, I know I actually know It's not okay. So in 1925 Alaska and Noam Alaska there was an outbreak of diphtheria and a lot of young kids Were dying in the middle of an oncoming where there was an oncoming huge like once of a decade Snowstorm there was an outbreak of diphtheria and little kids were dying and there was no way to transport The serum from wherever it was at to this small town

There was no way to get up by train or not by plane because of the weather or call now It was up to a dog sled team to travel 640 miles led by by the way the Green Goblin aka Lighthouse Okay, yeah, so the Green Goblin Lighthouse man, right? You know what I'm talking about Willie DeFee Defoe will William DeParker Yeah, yeah, exactly. I remember him best in Boondock Saints. Oh, I remember him best in Last temptation of Christ

I've never played Jesus. Yeah, very good But anyway, so Togo is the lead sled dog And we don't want to we want people to watch it. So we don't want to do any spoilers But it's a tear-jerker and now it inspired me I'm pitching a sequel Togo part two. I called Togo part two the hunt For well Togo gets reincarnated, but this time He's in Yulin, China

Just hear me out man Just hear me out. He's a fast dog man up to the third act Just hear me out man. All right, you're gonna cry. You're a Disney. You're a Disney exact. Just hear me out, okay? Togo the hunt, right? Oh, yeah, Willie DeFoe love him. Love him, right? He's gonna play an albino Chinaman great. So he's and that's what we call him in the movie Chinaman, okay, right? Oh, yeah, just hear me out name, right? But instead of being the guy that rides the sled, you know, I mean that the sled, okay? and He's

He's chasing Togo great a lot of chase. What's wrong? Togo so fast. Yeah, right at the end. It gets real tragic Okay. Yeah, cuz a family gets fed But no But no, yes Togo to the hunt What do you think? boo boo all right your partner your partner says boo and she's my righted partner you're right in the pitch room and she just said boo Well, I guess we're not gonna sell this thing as a as a white person. Yeah as a super pretend woke white person

Wow coming from an Asian person I would say that you're really picking the low-hanging fruit with a dog and I knew you were gonna say that I Knew you're gonna say that and I'm tired of this. I'm I'm not I'm not changing Because that joke was stereotypical. Yeah, that point of view, right was absurd very Paul Mooney-esque But I've been listening to a lot of Paul Mooney as of late, right? It's a joke that he would have made, okay? You want to cut that part out cut it out? I raise the volume up Hope you're really loud. All right, Togo the hunt. Mm-hmm. All right, so any who keeps saying What? Keep saying Togo the hunt. Togo the hunt. We're gonna make this movie. You know how like what's your line?

What's your line with jokes like for me? Everything is funny until animals Like everything. Yeah. Yeah, like you could you could say anything about any human being until animals, then I'm like, no Yeah, you know what reminds me I don't I don't tell this story about the pitch You know what that reminds me did I tell you that I pitched a show about animals? No, I pitched a show. This is what my pitch was So we went into I think ABC or something and I said This is my pitch I go It's me and I don't have a father. I was raised by my grandfather my grandfather and I run sort of like this

run-down hotel Right But here's the hook It's in space. I've told you this before right and the executive said bye And we just got up and left. I think I think that executive needs to buy himself an imagination That is such a dope Concept what year was this? Probably 15 years ago. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think I could you think I could repeat repetition. Yeah

There's I saw I saw a script you familiar with the script this palette Bobby wrote with somebody about Paulie shore What? We were cleaning up and we found a pilot written by Bobby and some other guy and it was about you playing yourself Working for Paulie shore a 25-page half-hour sitcom. Really? Yeah, and I wrote it. Oh, I know I wrote it with Dave Pierre Yeah, yeah, I wrote it with Dave Pierre and I yeah, I used to write. Did you pitch that? No? Oh? Because you when you're young Dave Pierre first of all He no longer is in comedy, but you know I've ever talked about Dave Pierre No, I don't remember. Okay. I have to talk about Dave Pierre

Take a when can I talk? I want to have an introduced. I will Oh, this is hard over here. Okay, yeah, it's okay George He wore his alligator boots for this episode. Just cut him a break. Wow entitlement Outfit I I'm gonna talk. I had a plan to get to you. All right Just breathe through it George fine. I'll talk about Chad You know, I mean, that's what happens with Chad. Hey girls. What? Hey girls. Yeah. Yeah, it just gets like all riled up and I Gotta talk

Too many ethnic people are talking. I'm not gonna say a single bad thing about Someone who's getting married. All right. We're gonna get to there in a second foreshadow. What was I even saying? He interrupted me Dave Pierre to talk about Dave Pierre Davey Pierre Is he from Matt TV? No, no, so Dave no is way before that. So Dave Pierre was this kid that we used to hang out with He was a comic and he was about 510 511 he weighed 76 pounds And he was like a skeleton And he now is a teacher. He doesn't do comedy more, but he he would wear a cut-off like

You know a shirt with a tie, okay, yeah, I had burped And you know, you could see a skinny arms on stage, right and all his jokes were about being skinny But he booked like like a hundred commercials in one year because he's so weird-looking and then one day He just calls me and he says, um, I want to become a teacher That's awesome. That's a yeah, and no, he no longer exists to me Anyway, we have a very beautiful guest here. You know my ex was a teacher. I know I love Steve You don't know him. I just stop saying I love I love the story and stop trying like stop threatening to follow all my I love I love I want to follow all of them. If you do that, I'll follow all of yours. I don't care

Oh, that's just weird. I would never why would I do that? They're all married I know I got married Sarah got married. They're all had the all of kids now Jasmine got married. I know one of them He's awesome. Oh, Vegas. Oh Yeah, he has like six kids But we have a very profound guest. I don't know speaking of marriages begin a marriage. We have a very profound guest, you know, I met him many many years ago Don't remember the day because it wasn't really that impactful the first day but over time He seeped into my

He's that one kid that just won't stop You know at school He just wants to be a part of it. They're like no nerd, you know, geez. No, let's be real Did you say that did you say like beat it nerd to do nerds? No, because I guess to hang out with them Oh, okay, but I would still say beat it nerd, but I would hang out with them Be it nerd. Why are you following us? Yeah? So um and Then so he was working at maker. Anyway, he wanted to be everyone knows the story

He became a part of Tiger Belly helped us out give it up No, he didn't more than help he reinvent made it happen. Come on. He made he's the best. Yeah, I have a brother because of this Yeah, oh, he's the greatest guy. Wow. Let me get there I don't know. You're not on a good. He's not starting off on it. Oh, let's start over. This guy is like do it as if he was you Joey Santiago. Oh, Joey Santiago. All right. All right. You're best to find that. All right. All right. Let's start over so You know, I got called from maker studios to come in right just to talk about some ideas of doing some intermediate and I the first thing I said on my mouth is is George Kimmel there? Wow. Yeah, and they said, uh, yeah, but he's busy Yeah, I go, you know, I mean the only reason why I would want to go there is because I want to make I want to work with the great

George Kimmel and they go, uh, well, just come in. He might see him. He might he's busy So I'm at maker. I'm with the owners of the company, right? And I see George Kimmel walk by the window and I my dick got hard It's enough. I'm just being honest, right and three squirts came out of my dick, right? But it wasn't gay. It was more like I want to work with him. Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what my dick. I want to work with this guy, right? Yeah, so I just I beg I got in my hands and knees and I begged Lisa the owner I go Lisa, please just he just walked by George comes in, right and I came

I just walked right up to because I wanted to smell them Yeah, because you know when you idolize somebody for so long you want to know everything about them what their skin touches like Yeah, what they smell like right and um, he goes, hey, hey, how are you doing? Hey, how you doing? The moment he addressed you he goes, hello you little one you call me little one. I was yeah, and I go Hey, yeah, yeah, I love your little silly sketches you do on the mad TV And I go yeah, yeah, can I work with we've got to work with each other and So then he decided he left me when it well he got fired. I don't know what happened, but you left me

We don't know the story Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean people say he got fired, but in my mind he did it he left he went I haven't had enough of this Disney. Yeah, I will not work for corporate Disney I'm gonna hit up coli-law right on Instagram asked the intern for gonna ask my cousin Bryce to hit up He came in there's such a service because I go, you know, who could we get to produce? You know, I called the apatow. Maybe he's yeah, you know, I mean I called Uh, you know, Chris Nolan's fucking, you know, brother and mayor or assistant Christopher know the director Okay, and Chris Christopher owns like I might want to produce it. Yeah, I know, but I'm just holding out. Yeah

Yeah, I'm holding out for the George sir. He was knighted. Yeah, people don't know that sir George Kim Well, he's the fifth. Yeah, the fourth the fourth his nickname is I'm horse cock Well, they call him horse cock Magoo, you know and Because there's a statue in Savannah, Georgia. Oh of just a gigantic horse car You know what? In fact, I'm gonna show you guys a picture of the statue that was erected erected on behalf of George Kimmel Do you want to see it, babe? So, um, I would love to so George Kimmel is um, yeah, I'd love to see it So George Kimmel is um, hey, that's a statue that was there. That's it. That was that's the story That's it. We'll put it on

And and he's getting married No, that's okay. No. Oh, yeah, well, you know, if there's so much to say There's so much to say and I will continue to say. Okay. He came here and he Um, everything that we do, you know is inspired by him artistically the direction of the show Right, even our mouth even what we say even what yeah, we're all puppeteered by by I used to get raw denim jeans Mm-hmm. I just said it. I want to be like George Kimmel. I went to gap Yeah, you know me and I would go to Agra Agra combi and pinch

Right, and I would be like, did you ever see this man come in here with the glasses and oh, you mean George Kimmel? How does he tell what does he talk like? Oh, hi. I'm George Kimmel. I know that guy and I go, um, can I find what he bought Right, so I you know, he inspires me, you know and in terms of cologne. I used to get fancy cologne Did you get fierce from ab ab abber combi and pinch? No, I didn't get abber combi and pinch, but I didn't get fierce. Is that a cologne there? No, I I smell what he smells like which is dracar noir. Yeah, I get dracar and cool water Very David off. Yeah, very late 90s. Yeah, I do an axe. Yeah

And I went out into the desert and I hacked a fucking snake to make boots number curve Did he wear curved too? Yeah, curve. Yeah, curve. Do you guys never wear curve in high school? Yeah, so George is um, Oh, let me continue. May may I move on with it? So then I said, um, You know, I'm thinking about doing expanding, you know, but I don't you know and George is automatically in fact You know what? I just lied. I didn't think of expanding. He came up with it He goes, you know your friend Anderson, you know, yeah, wait, you know your friend Anderson, you know, yeah I go, yeah, and he goes, you should do a podcast with him and I go What a brilliant idea. What do we call bad friends?

Wow And so, um In our highness The king, you know, the true king. Yeah Dr. Sir, Dr. George Kimmel Right is now There's there's gonna be a queen Wow. Yeah, and he is gonna get married. Wow

So we are dedicating this entire podcast to the one and only George Kimmel the fourth. Yeah Thanks so much Can I just say I love everyone in this room? Oh my god. Oh, he's being sincere. Take it Bobby Take it Bobby You made us look at your dick before this. No, I didn't. I mean your balls. I didn't You asked for it. I did. Can I see a little bit? Yeah. Was that sincere what you just said? I love everyone in this room. Yeah Was that sincere what you said? I love everyone in this room. Yeah. Oh, that's not gonna get me It's not gonna get you and not at all. But you know what? I get it. I get it

And I appreciate it. You guys have given me so much. It's like, yeah, but I don't know what okay your family man. Oh my god, you guys Receiving it and with that with that I am gonna put on my right right my bride my bride tribe Hat thing George, will you please put on your sash? Put on your sash, please. So, uh, george has um Been a part of the company since the beginning

He produces a lot of things. Um, he fucked up my brothers, but that's another friend That's a different that's a side story. That's a side story. Yeah. Yeah. Don't talk about it. They're cool now. They're cool Yeah, they're cool. No, but uh, yeah, but you know what george was the one who brokered the deal between ilani and steve Yeah, mm-hmm. Really? I didn't know that's right. Yeah. I was at a uh, monchi show for years. Oh, yes Yeah, that's right. So george has done a lot from my family. He's done a lot for the company. Um He is somebody that I have to learn to treat better You know, um, I have to learn to do that. I think I might need therapy, but Oh, I'll be completely and utterly honest with you. Um, I do do I'm fond of you

But are you the ellen of podcasting? I think so. I I'm no, but I could at least admit it Um, I do I am fond of you and I and I really appreciate the work that you do for the company um That being said, um, I'm warming up to you still In how long it's been five five years. I know five years with this podcast. I know I know, I know, I know, but I hear this so a decade. It's a what eight years. But let me say in this last year though, right? Have I not called you and texted you more? Yes, it's dropped off recently. So I feel I feel like we're going a little bit of valley right now

But in the last year, there's been more connection between you and I. Yes in terms of communicating communicating. Yeah, you're also different this year What do you mean? We talked about this. You're different. How am I different? You seem more approachable You seem oh, I feel more approachable more like he's willing to be friends And he's also willing not to put a shield up right away with us specifically. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, you know, I I'll tell you what, you know, I you know that has a lot to do with the pandy Right, it has to do a lot of with um realizing that we're all in the same boat And also I'm you know, I got sober. I went to therapy this year. My dad died There were so many things that happened this year that made me

far more appreciative of the people around me and um But you know, I at the end of the day, I have to say congratulations to you I can't look you in the eye right now, but um, I do love I just let me finish. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. All right. I do love you I do love you Wow, maybe look at the camera. So he'll yeah, he'll watch it later. Yeah, I because you have to edit this I do love you

And um, I have fun feelings for you you do irritate me But that's how how How could I irritate anybody? I know I'm I know Now, okay, you're right. It's it's not it has nothing to do with you right It I don't know what it is, but um, it just takes me a while like for instance You know, there was this I'll just give you an example. It has to do with warzone. Excuse me But um, there was this kid

I don't know that was kind of like a cute turd off Oh, that'd be great power down I would love robots to you go shut down like you go anime style. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's really cute, baby But um, there was this kid I play with a married couple jacob right and claire And I forget their last name pop lock or something right But jacob every day he would text me not text me through instagram direct message Ion

Or I'm here and for months. I would ignore it every day And then one day I just decided I'll play him with him and his wife And now they're one of my favorite people to play with it just takes me a while to get people and You know, it's just taking you a while, but I I will always work with you I would always like when Joey Santiago reached out and said I'm thinking about maybe doing a podcast

The first name I say is maybe George can help you. He's a great producer. You know when the wanes brothers When the wanes brothers called me and they said, um, you know, yo Say yo No, I just you know what because I'm doing a new thing now Where I don't want to do that. Okay, like urban balby is never going to come out again Oh, he's retired. He's retired. Go desert bob. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and and I always I always I already I went there a little bit. You got a little I had a little

It's a short circuit. Yeah, but you know with this whole new Society change and you know and with cancel culture and what we can and cannot do I'm still learning it Right, so it's like sometimes I'll sleep slip slip it back into urban balby and then I'll catch myself That's okay. Yeah, you know, I mean, I I think that the reason that bobby doesn't connect um deeply or as enthusiastically with people who are very reliable and balanced and good is because People like him and I what's familiar to us is chaos chaotic Broken people that's what we're attracted to because that's just what we know what are familiar with like

Throughout our lives, right? And with our parents or our cousins like so much dysfunction So I think what it is is it's hard to connect with someone so earnestly good and I think that's who you are you are so you've taught us so much about just being a fucking good reliable human being What are you? What are you?

Keep talking am I is that do you think that that might be it? That's exactly what why your lips are no matter how well I haven't said this before no matter how annoyed I am Well, whenever I don't get a response for three days about a simple question or anything else there's nobody else I would want to work with because I think Nobody's more entertaining. I think I'm drawn to the chaos even though I am the opposite of it And my response to anything is just a I don't like being told what to do. So my response is to be as do-it-things as perfect as possible And I see other responses are to rebel

push buttons And anything else like those are like that's what I wish I would do, you know, I wish I could do Just push buttons rebel push buttons do what exactly Not in your nature If it's not in your nature, then it's not in your nature like and I also think that that's not necessarily a good trait to have If no, it's it's in my fundamental. I mean, it's in everybody's fundamental nature But I mean like to push buttons like you're such a perfect person to work with creative types Because you are

Not someone who gets in the way of their creativity and with my creativity. I mean like absolute human dysfunction Like you kind of just let them Fly and there are times where I'm like George like maybe you should wrangle us more Like maybe you should give us, you know crack the whip and tame us a little bit more because you know Like we've gotten ourselves into into into trouble But I think that that's what we love about you is that you don't get in the way and you don't try to like micromanage You just let us maybe I take advantage of you Maybe maybe I take a little advantage of you. Maybe I don't look at the there are a lot of things that you get me

You know like today I go I call I woke up and I go there's no caffeine in the fucking building So immediately I called George and I go he did Can you just get me some fucking I said that's how I talk really yeah, I always do that. Yeah, man Can you just get me some fucking red bull man? He goes oh, it's already in the fridge downstairs in the Yeah, deliver it this morning, Bobby. I know I know that's what he says and I go

Oh, man, what a good wanted it to be cold for you Yeah, I know I know that's why I'm giving you the fucking compliment, man I'm giving the fucking compliment, man Yeah, that's what you're reliable in that way. You know, there's a lot of things that you do for me But sometimes when you're too reliable you you are forgotten Oh, I know that that's yeah, but I don't ever want to I don't want to have to tell my uh Say what I do or like That's what I like about you guys is I don't ever have to like say this is what I've done. This is what I've done

This is what I've done because I trust you guys so I don't have to I prefer to just be able to be behind the scenes and do everything And it takes so much energy to have to like Also praise myself But let's get to the insults because I'm scared if this episode doesn't do well It will hurt my self-esteem. It will. Yeah, this will No, I'm trying to make it so that it's not

It's Give me that's why worse tiger belly. That's why that's why I'm asking That's why I'm asking the love part. Maybe this guy's getting married. Like I want you to give no, we're gonna get there We will get there we're gonna get there. I just want to now digest what you just said, right? And then I had a specific Feeling that came over me and the old Bobby stepped in Right, and I'm just like nah, fuck that Okay. Yeah, go ahead. No, fuck that all fuck all that

Right, it's like you two are very you're very lucky as well Oh, I know you get to work with the best comics Right on planet earth Right, and you know You slid in right Because of your proactive nature Slid in at the right time. That's my favorite word that you say what nature nature, right nature. No, I love it

Yeah, you slid in right and you're very conniving and opportunistic That's a just let me this that's what I'm just saying the old bobby came in This is not really the new the new improved. We're a team. So if I'm opportunistic, it's opportunistic for the team. Boom. That's why Yeah, okay, the baby. There's there's strategy and then there must manipulation. He's all strategy and manipulation No, I think he's all If I was manipulating you this would be We would be a lot bigger of a podcast you would have been on rogan by now You would have been on or see manipulating, you know, I'm gonna go on rogan

I'm tired I will go on rogan if joe rogan calls me and goes Dude, are you available wednesday? Okay, which is what he does with everyone else He has asked you you were on the list for a while. No, he has he has to call me. I don't know who to call To do it, right? Oh, I do No, but he has to call me If he calls me, I'll do it. He has my number 100 it's called me before

All right, so that's it. Do not call them because I don't want you know, you know, and I don't want you I don't know because I don't want, you know, me me go. Oh, can I do it? That's and this is what the difficulty I work with is because you refuse to call And you you refuse to go on any show that you're not asked onto and you refuse to ask a lot of guests Because you want them to ask you and I don't know where oh really because I'm gonna I'm gonna show you my instagram I too embarrassing. I'll show I'll show you face. He's not three. I'm gonna show you right now You fucking talk tartar. He did louis capaldi. Okay. So I did louis capaldi and then look at this one. All right louis capaldi ronda rousey. I'm gonna read zack braff

I love him. Hi Long shot. Can you do my podcast monday? You you already negged yourself. Nothing long shot. Yeah, I just say nothing okay I'll show you another one You should have been like hi zack not just ronda rousey Mm-hmm. Obviously. We know each other. Did you say hi ronda? Hi ronda. Oh, you did say hi ronda bobby lee here Can you do my podcast monday? It would make my heart melt

No response. That's a good one. All right. Yeah, my point is that you seem to think that I don't ask I asked louis capaldo too You know and he did not respond. So my point is is that what else do you want me to do for and I will ask Okay, and I don't like being rejected. I don't like being I don't like it when people don't and you know what? I do that to a lot of people as well No, but I think that's what george is saying. He's like he's always been like let me reach out to them So you don't get rejected and you're like no don't do it

No, because I also don't want to make when you know when people ask me to do podcasts and a producer reaches out Where it goes to my agent or my manager. It doesn't feel You know personal personal You know if You know, I've always wanted to do dak shepherd show Right, but I'm not going to ask him to do it It's his show. He should ask me if he doesn't want me and when they don't ask me. I think they don't want me on Right, so that's you know, it's it's I'm not you know, I'm playing it fair

But I also don't want to get hurt You know, I'm a sensitive guy So, you know if Joe Rogan called me and go, you know mark marin, you know how I did wtf He called me five times in a row to do it marked it And we scheduled it. I went over to his house and I did it That's my point friend. I want to get to the love part. Let's go to the love. Yeah, we have we have george here He's getting married. It's a really weird time to get married

Um, so I want to know coming from the king himself. What you think are what advice can you give to a newly married man? Five five five tips on love hot tapes What Did you think she was going to be the king? I thought you were asking him No, I'm asking you what tips can you give our bachelor Soon to be groom on love and life and the pandy Okay, always get the hot towel afterwards. So I won always get the hot towel afterwards. How do you keep the towel hot? Good quick. Well, you go to the you get whatever a dish rag or something

A dish or whatever use or not clean whatever. Yeah, you put a little lukewarm water on it Yes, and while you know, you're beautiful princess and laying on the bed Tatiana Tatiana either Hand it to her I've thrown it before hang on different ways Yeah, yeah, like here clean yourself up lady or whatever you might want to say. Yeah, right I wouldn't say it that way or or go madame a british accent. Say would you like a hot towel? Would you like a hot towel? There we go, right? That feels right because you have come in your eyes. Yeah Yeah, maybe do it that way. They say come in. Yeah in you have sperm in your eyes. I think it's sperm

Yeah, you have sperm in your eye. Yeah, let's keep try ski. You have ski in your eye. Oh, I think it is ski It's your eyes. It's done. Can you leave? Oh, I have to sleep Something like that because that's number one. That's number one. Hang on one second. I have more Regarding number two the hot towel hot towel follow up Um, okay, never mind keep all the receipts keep all the restaurant receipts For tax purposes. No, so that you know because you're paying for all the meals, right? Oh, I started doing I started telling her How much she cost me every right? That's what but you do it subtly. That's healthy

You get the receipt of every restaurant. This is how much you cost me Just know how much you're worth and then when she cheats if she ever cheats on you if she ever cheats on you Then you just take half of each receipt and and bill her Okay, okay I I mean, I just feel really dejected because I've never in the seven years we've been together I have never seen a single Hot dish rag thrown at her or not even like a t-shirt thrown at me. Yeah, nothing

Be honest with you. He just like rolls over then farts. No, no, baby. Be honest with me. Do I get a lot of cum that comes out? Skeet this user word skeet, please. Well to be fair. Nothing needs to really be wiped down after because you you do produce Like micro millimeters. That's what I'm micro micro dosing. It's good. Yeah. It's like a little, you know So, yeah, I guess in that sense. No one really needs a hot towel. Yeah, they need like one Like a quarter of a clinic Or a A q-tip. Okay. Number three Number three. All right

number three Learned to sleep With your eyes open. Oh That's a very ninja training so that you know, when you guys cause some movie nights You know, you probably suggest let's watch godfather or whatever and then she's like, let's watch the new Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling singing in the rain musical, right? You can what have the watch it, but you could be asleep I would just draw eyes on top of my lids

Do that too. Okay. All right. Okay, but hang on one second before you get on to number four and five bobby um, do you george? Are you somebody that likes to um, um Um, lay down together snuggle and watch a movie. Are you that type? Oh, yeah Our most. Oh, yeah. Did I just pick the quality one because I feel like I always thought most people were like that to like watch and cuddle together But he he Yeah, we did it last night. Yeah, but you were like this. How did it go? Not feeling it? No, I felt you could just feel like he you describe. Oh, okay. Describe what you felt. I call it atmospheric That's what you call it. Yeah, he will he will say, okay, let's do that, but he will create such an unpleasant atmosphere

You're like you're like the aliens in unrivaled arrival. They can like correct your own atmosphere. She kept saying you're creating atmospherics You're doing atmospherics because he will he'll be like, yeah, let's watch a movie Then he'll have he'll plaster on like a fake smile And then he'll do this like get in here. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I've seen him do it to you Yeah, and then the whole time you can just him breathing like this And and so he he wants to he really wants to Give in to what you want, but then punish you at the same time. So that's number four That triggered me that triggered me so much because usually we're good at cuddling. Yeah when we're at home

But over over the New Year's we were out camping And we were in the back of my truck trying to watch Toy Story and instead of watching it normally like sitting it in between you And you just like have pillows behind you On an iPad. She was like no I'm gonna watch it over here and you have to watch it behind me and I was just stuck Staring at the back of her head. Good woman. Good woman. What were you thinking the whole time? I was like, there's no way to make this comfortable. She's not thinking about me at all. This is New Year's And then so then I just pretended to sleep like to take a nap

And then I was just it like she was I like went to the fireplace And it was chatting with my cousin's wife and I was just like it's New Year's Get up and forget about it because it's not worth it for just Toy Story And I was so mad the whole like Interesting it took me but did you create atmospherics George? Did you I had great atmospherics, you know? And then she ruined them by turning over and were you breathing fire to the back of her neck like he does to me No, I was trying not to I just roll. I was like, I'm tired. I'm roll. I rolled over and then just Don't ruin New Year's and it took me like three weeks to tell her like how mad I was after that

So you're somebody that holds it in he's very he's kind of similar I guess I hold it in Yeah, it's not good to hold it in. Yeah a lot a lot of guys hold it. Oh, it was a lot better than ruining New Year's Oh, I was no I waited until I dissipated if I had if I had done it then and told her how mad I was She would have been like You're just supposed to watch it with me. I feel like it sounds ridiculous three weeks after when you're trying to explain your rage And you're like, you know three weeks ago when you're watching Toy Story if you look at my I'm never watching Toy Story again That franchise is ruined for me But the reason why I don't say it is because I just let it pass because I don't I don't want to react

In the moment because whatever I'm feeling in the moment isn't necessarily real, right? I have to kind of be step away from the incident and go and just kind of go It's not that big of a deal. But if I react in the moment, right? Then it will cause a fight Right something. That's that's that I could have avoided Right, so I mean a lot of it has to do with that But you holding it in does it become a fight later on then? No, it never does, you know, it just becomes Usually it becomes an incident where I'm like, yeah, it wasn't that big of a deal

And it's never that that big of a deal. It never really is but I think that sometimes like sometimes it is Like what's the biggest deal like you've ever the mochi we could talk about the mochi sometimes it is Yeah The mochi was a big deal. Was it? Yeah, he he he wanted to break up with me over mochi. I didn't want to break up with you during well That's what you said. No, I know No, no you straight up said I contemplated leaving. No, no, I bring But there is a for that one incident. Yeah, I went

And That's crazy I got yelled at and that was crazy So like then I go I go into a thing. It's like You know, is it worth it? I had bought mochi to give away to friends. Thank you, right? You got some. Nope. Okay. Yes, you did I did. I just he said what he was asking, but it's oh you didn't george. I was trying to help you out I'm sorry. Yeah, well, but you got this fancy. Okay. Let me tell the story

Let me tell the story. I've heard about this mochi. You can tell you're Sasha gray got it. There's only one verse There's only one fucking body got Sasha gray got it. Esther to vinsky got it. Yeah, I got Gilbert got it. Everyone got it except you anyways continue. So, um so You know, um, obviously people know So Kalila's best friend that she grew up with jessica who? You know jessica. Yes, man. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

You know when you die and they look at your heart, there's gonna be a black spot on the tip of your heart That's jessica and korean characters. Yeah, okay so All right, so, um jessica's brother's wife Is an an extremely good baker and she's created she created a baking company amazing and she makes mochi products asian Dessert rice blossom doc doc doc. Yeah, and um, i'm telling you there because we get shit from japan

It's up there. It's legitimately ask anyone that we've given this right amazing Enjoy those. Yeah ask anyone but george who's had it. It's fucking amazing right about yourself So one morning I wake up and uh, I go. Hmm. I hung go Right. I open a refrigerator. Yep, and I see five boxes Of that mochi nice So i'm like, hmm. I'm gonna eat one now because there's five boxes in there and I

pulled one out And it was there was a couple of other boxes that this one was holding up So the other boxes kind of slid down a little bit and and as I pulled this one um out the box the mochi slid and on these mochi balls There's really these little decorations Right very pretty and all the it's very delicate and the decorations got all fucked up, right? And then i'm holding it got uh Decorations fucked up. Oh, well i'm gonna eat one anyway, and then she comes around and she screams at me

You fucked it up. You fucking asshole All those are supposed to be gifts Right. You fucked up my mochi And it was just on and on about that. It was it was at the heels of him fucking up my sister's birthday cake So, um, I had ordered um, you and pastry fucking up my fuck. I said that's another one So you know how like he gets really mad at rudy for fucking up his um, I brought it delivery Oh, well, he fucks up my delivery. So for my sister's birthday. I ordered from juniors. I didn't didn't juniors in brooklyn

Okay, and so I didn't know not did not know that I don't know what it was I'm going to show in fact, we're gonna put a video up of what the cheesecake looked like when bobby Handled it so he he also handled the mochi in a very similar fashion to where like I was just like You know, it's a very delicate treat and it's so pretty the way it's boxed And it just looked like ball on top of balls by the time he had clawed into it So I freaked out and he I got it was honestly all my fault

Genuinely, genuinely my fault And I apologize as soon I made me like five minutes after screaming I was like, oh my fucking god. And then I made you. What did I do? I cooked you spam and then eggs and then rice and then made you fresh juices And I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm just saying in that moment though. There was a moment where I was just like I did not know that they were for gifts. No one told me anything, you know I'm getting yelled at for no reason at all You know, the other one the cheesecake is we can argue we can go to court for that one

Because I had my own point of view about that It's one of those things that I feel as though like if you don't snap your fingers in front of his face and then say Hey, commit this to memory Do not drink This or do do not like for instance like yesterday he I told him I've told them this over the years. Don't put bottled drinks inside the freezer because they will

Explode you did that for seven years. I've been telling him this right He puts this fucking high-pressured bottle of beet juice inside the freezer yesterday Because I like the way it tastes when it's frozen and the whole thing just explodes into like I had no idea And then he goes on he just puts it all in a bowl with a broken glass and he's like, I'm still gonna have it And I freaked out and I was like, no, you're gonna ingest like glass particles And then you're gonna like freaking injury your esophagus like you don't do that like who Like who I'm not a scientist. I'm not a biologist. I don't know these things What I thought I thought how could beet juice beat glass?

beat glass How can beet juice beat glass? And I realized beet juice in ice form can beat glass Now, you know for me I learned through experience. So two two two am Bobby Bobby don't do it. Don't do it. And then he's just there with a bowl of beet juice like this And I did bite into it and there was a piece of glass. Oh, and then he swallowed it. Yeah And I'm fine. He didn't admit to that until early this morning. He was like you guys I have something to admit I did have some of that beet juice and yes, there was glass. I did swallow glass okay

so um and I I feel responsible for For um having yelled at you for the mochi and I still feel horrible and I'm so sorry george Do not yell at your spouse or mochi rule number five. Do not yell. Do not yell. That's it. Yeah, not over mochi Yeah, that's not an important part of life. So when's the day dude? Wait, hold on. That's five. Yeah, we just let's make it five Let's make it five. Let's round it up. I can't think of anything else now. What was what's the date for for friday? This friday. Wow, and you're gonna do it at the court. Well The court actually called while we were in a car together And they said we're not gonna do it in this beautiful like a historic courthouse in the orange in orange county

It's now at Honda center In the parking lot And I was trying to convince her like hey, this is It's memorable. Yeah, you know, it's a good story And she was like I am not getting married in a parking lot through glass at a ticket counter. Oh Oh So we're just gonna do it on the beach

We're gonna pick up the papers and do it on the beach. That's better. Okay. And you also Down the line that that the other option of through the glass at the ticket counter far more memorable story. Oh, I would It doesn't work. It's not gonna work. I've learned a few things when you hear it three times. Just just wait Because we don't know how long it's gonna be. Wait. What do you think marriage? The process of getting married in tails babe. Do you think that you're officially married when you walk down the aisle? Because you know, there's paperwork. Yeah, I know there are and I'll fill it out Okay, I want to know what you think how it goes. Okay, let's you and I are getting married and you plan it I have nothing to do with it. Yeah

Who do you call? I would first well, I mean the truth be told I would first call Aside from you. I would call my manager Abby. Yeah, what's up? She's like, what's up? I'd be like I'm getting married Congratulations, sweetie And I'd be like, how do you do it? That's actually right. That's what I would actually do And so if she goes well, you're gonna have to figure it on your own

So then what I would do is then I would probably google it. It's smart. What do I do? Right. Now, what would you put into that type box? You know What's the first step In the marriage process? Okay. Something like that. You have to put Los Angeles, California. Los Angeles, California So I would probably I could get it by the city the way you're doing it where we can go to the a government Office or someplace. Yeah, it'll stand in line, right with your and get and get a marriage certificate. Oh, wow, okay

Right. Yeah, and then um, they'll probably make me fill out a bunch of paperwork You know and all that stuff she'd probably have to come with me They fill it out as well And then we set a date I guess when that happens That okay, so february 19th you guys come back and that's where we'll do the This actual ceremony If you do it that way or

Celebration is but that's not the way I want to do it. What I want to do it is I'm going to call I want to get How do you get the priest? That's for a real ceremony. Yeah, how do you get a real ceremony? You just find one that you like it doesn't have Do you call? Oh, I would call get a friend to be a ordained. Oh, no I would call that guy from new mexico that we know. Oh pastor gill pastor gill. Yeah, I would call pass I have a number I call pastor gill and go I want to get married. Yeah. Can you be the guy? Yeah, and he'd be like what guy

The priest guy pastor that pastor do that. Are you licensed? Yeah, you'd say I'm licensed. So then I'd go Okay, so um, I want to do it April 16th It's a tuesday Why a tuesday because that's when all the comics are on the road. So it's around their schedule, right? It's important to you that All your comics show up. I've already talked about it before but yes, okay? Okay, and this is also your wedding week and we should talk about you

Not this fake wedding We might have who's going to yours um, her parents and sister then my cousin uh and then cousin brice cousins, uh cousin doug's wife And then uh, andres and his wife. What are you guys wait? Hang on. What are you gonna wear that? Um, I've got a tux coming that hasn't arrived. It was supposed to arrive last week. And then um, is she gonna be in like is tatiana gonna be in a full um garb? That was my one

That was my one rule if we're doing courthouse She was ready to be casual. I was like nope honey. We're gonna go all out if we're gonna do a courthouse Wow, I'm doing three piece tux. You're doing a real dress Now, do you did you guys think that george would be the first of us to get married? Uh, yeah, anyway, congratulations much Oh boy, what a what a new phase in your life Yep, I'm enjoying it an helpful advisor. That's dope. I'm helpful advice with barbie kalayla and george tea kibble

Getting right into it. My partner of almost 10 years cheated on me with a married man. Oh, oh, shit It started pre covid earlier this year and I recently found out she's not asking for forgiveness But despite coming clean to me with her infidelity She's selfishly asking me to keep the situation between us and publicly make it look like we broke up because we fell out of love Oh, yep For would you guys like the context or just go to the question? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like context for context We both fell in love with each other in college and despite having a kid at an early age We were both optimistic and having a good future for our family after graduation

I initially took on getting a job alone while she stayed at home to take care of our daughter She is a loving mother a person with good morals and probably the best partner. I've ever had After a few years, she told me that she was uh, she told me that being a stay-at-home mom is no longer working out for her She told me she doesn't want the college degree She acquired to be wasted and proposed the idea of working abroad with her sister Despite telling her that I opposed the idea of her being separated from our child I still gave her a blessing to work overseas because I don't want her to feel like she's a caged bird We had constant communication oftentimes are happy despite our distance

I'm completely aware of the possibility of seeing other men But my trust in her was unbreakable because I knew her as a strong woman with deep moral virtues Fast forward to now. She's still working abroad for a year and a half only flew back home for a month in between that time I noticed changes in the way she talked to me together with other factors I finally had the courage to ask her if she was seeing another man, which brings my story to a full circle We already had plans for marriage this year But I'm convinced that we should end our relationship and just focus on being parents to our daughter The chances of us being friends are slim to none. I'm sickened to the core to my core beyond belief

Questions being a victim. Should I let her go knowing her actions that lead to her facing huge consequences? In second question, should I seek visual uh, should I seek justice and give her the consequences myself? Oh man, George that's scenario Well, can I may I weigh in you? Yes Number one, okay It's done Yeah, it's done. It's done number two for me

This is the perfect scenario to reinvent yourself because Revenge i'm a revenge guy. Oh, we know you know i'm a revenge guy, right? If that happened if she did that to me If I found out that she cheated I'll be like, that's cool. She's and if she says can you not tell anyone about I will say anything No, but but I would do everything I can. I already know you. I would expect punishment in broad daylight No, I would not be okay with that. I'd be like, I would not. No, I would not punish you but but I would improve myself

Right to the point where it's gonna hurt you That's that would be my goal is to make her feel guilty For doing that to me. So I would get buff, right? I'd become an action star. She turns on cnn You're talking about don lemon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like I'm I become a yoga guru, right? I I I become a health nut. You know what I mean? That that would just reinforce um, that would reinforce the need to break up because if it took

If it if it took the lack of love for you to get better Then that you're not someone that I wanted. All right. She always has a fucking comeback. It's like Cindy. She's good. She's so good I can't all right anyways, no, but what I was gonna say is fuck Um, I think that's the natural urge to like be like, no, I'm gonna fucking get her back in this way or I'm gonna You know, I'm gonna serve justice But you are no one's teacher in this life

We just are not we don't have that much power The power that's gonna teach her is gonna be circumstance after this relationship is long over And you're not gonna be the one that's gonna hold that lesson over her head. I would graciously bow out I would be kind to her I would raise that child together and I think that that is the best revenge To see exactly what a decent Amazing human being that you are and for her to date the next fucking dickhead and be like god damn it Fucking Derek was was was a gem like compared to this dickhead like I think that

There are many times in my life where I wanted to do just that because I was young and I wanted to like seek revenge in fact I I cringe at the fact that like there was I even posted remember in my space There were like blogs like little bull you had your own bulletin board and you would write your own like blogs and stuff I wrote one called dear whore Like it was so horrible, but it was basically a letter to All the women that my ex had cheated on me with who knew that we were in a relationship together And also a letter to him They were all like because I was young I was 22 in heart

Oh dear whore dear whore because I thought I first I thought dear whore, but I thought of actual dear Like a like a like a deer with a reindeer a big fucking loose pussy. Yeah. Yeah, so dear your whore Yeah, yeah, yeah Anyways Sorry my bad the whole time thinking of deer. Yeah, I'm like dear whore what? And I I I still to this day really really really deeply dislike him but it's just not he he is a

Kind of a bastard like I'm not gonna be the one that'll change his bastardly ways like it ain't me I'm just happy to be out of it. I'm a good dude Not you, baby. You are a good dude. Let you know I'm letting you know you're a good dude. I'm a good dude. You're a good dude. Okay. You know what I love about you Atmospheric you know what I absolutely love about you You are the first person in my entire life of dating that has never During a big fight

Has never belittled me Put me down or called me names or has ever been verbally abusive to me Even in you're being such a fucking bitch You've never even said that like outside of this you say it on the podcast jokingly and that's why I take it well on here Is because I know that you never say that outside of here And even the nicest guy I dated before you and they're all nice in their heated moments They've had a slip of the tongue or said some things where I'm like, oh That's shit. You know, that's shit like hit deep

You don't you don't do that. You don't play dirty and I love you so much for that Is she a good woman? No, okay. Anyways moving on George my answer I think uh Thanks for listening. You're never gonna let him let the man speak. It's his wedding. Thanks for listening Just tell her you're never gonna Uh, you'll choose if you tell uh tell the world whatever you tell her just tell the world if you want to tell the world So let uh let the lady uh

Just sitting like the not knowing if uh, okay exposed or not Oh, you're going for like that. I see what you're going for. You're going for okay Yeah, you're going for the incognito suffering. Didn't hear you yet. It's the revenge But you can choose to have yeah, yeah, you can choose to do it if you want or uh, take flowers advice everyone That was a good one. That's a good one Hey pal, what a guest What a guest while the numbers are going to be high on this one. Oh, but you sabotage this I told you it was going to be a good one and I did not get

Did you hang on George? Did you did you have um talking points for purpose? I purposely did the podcast this way Okay Right So that it wouldn't do the numbers No, come on. No, no. I purposely kind of held back a little bit. I think there was still some interesting moments in the Yeah, you had some good stuff. You had some great stuff. Bobby. I had uh, I think Not very much not very much. I'm uh, so should we title this podcast bare minimum with george kimmel bare minimum Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Bare minimum with george kimmel, you know

So after 255 more episodes, I'll get another chance guys for the uh, for the big time. I'm, uh, waiting for you can come back on when you have a cut kid Well, thanks for listening to another episode of tiger belly. I love you guys so much. Um, we have a patreon check that out. We uh, We do vlogs Yeah, um, we are Clevelyn and I are going to go to the desert. So if we die in the desert, god bless you But think of us we will but we're going to the desert tomorrow Um, just to take a little vacay and um, I really appreciate you guys. I love you guys so much And one day, I'll maybe go on the road one day and meet meet y'all

um, but um I thank you for being with us during this pandemic and I appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening. Good night And thank you guys everybody. Okay. Good night has said like, you know, I can't wait. I well, they should interview george He should be in the seat. I'm sorry. I disappointed you but to everybody who I like said no, that's a bad idea too Um, I was right. So, uh Shoot, man I'm gonna come back in here and record one all by myself just to for redemption. What did you want to say? I wanted to be more interesting. I hear sit here. What did you just imagine do it?

You imagine yourself if you're on the You have you have to listen in this hot seat and you always imagine yourself doing a lot better than you don't think that I've oh, I fought over toy story. You know, that's not like this I know, but you don't think that I'm gonna go down is my history. We're gonna clip. Oh the toy story Fuck I fucking crushed it. I still remember I crossed you guys arguing over ica dishes and dogs and like and like an argument like outside of like Parps barbecue or something from before like just the audio only ones where you were yelling at each other across the street I was like, I kind of I can find something in here in my

40 years of history. That's as good as that. It's okay, man. No, nothing your voice is cracking But thank you for being here. Um, my assessment of your performance today on the podcast is a um a seven Wow out of 100 So much it's a very good joke. All right. Thanks for listening guys. All right. Bye. Bye What's up everyone? Let's laugh came the patreon is better than ever with more diverse rewards and ever expanding community of people like you

You can check it out by signing up at patreon.com slash tiger bell. We've got vlogs We got a random audio clip some things for you guys to download And that's really exciting. That's coming up that we're prepping is the tiger belly singing competition Check our instagram and our social media. We'll be posting some more details about that ASAP Uh guys get your questions tiger belly by emailing us at adviceunhelpful at gmail.com We're looking for interesting unusual non-typical problems. We need your help as much as you want ours That's adviceunhelpful at gmail.com

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