TigerBelly - Ep 277: Andrew Schulz & The Dirtbags

Episode Date: December 22, 2020

Bobby is Mr. Responsibility. Andrew removes Scooter Braun. Khalyla is Bird Box. We talk the Tom Cruise rant, the CPK dwarf, and the Asian Urkel.  More content: www.patreon.com/tigerbellyPlease support our sponsors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. I came. No, I don't. Just for you. Super creepy. In fact, I don't usually even wear a mask. The whole, we usually take it off right before the show. Okay. I haven't seen my parents in so long and it's my mom's 60th birthday tomorrow.

Okay. And so like, I'm already so on edge because my dad's super old. Got you. And I feel like we're at the stretch of the final stretch of it. I think they get vaccinated in January. Amazing. I would kill myself if I'm the bringer of that. I have had it already.

I know. I'm the safest person you could be around. But slick. When did you get it? I got it literally, I don't know, three weeks ago, literally in the middle of filming. So you still have immunity then? Yeah, I have immunity. My friend today.

I literally got tested yesterday at Rogan. Good. You couldn't be around someone more safe than me. I should be afraid of you. I'm afraid of you right now. Because you could get me sick with something. I'm so clean. Yeah.

It's unbelievable. But you're slick. Talk to me about it. Can I call you slick? I love you, babe. I literally love you. You look like a CPAP machine. You have a hard time hearing.

You can put your headphones on. Yeah, yeah. You can put your headphones on. No, no, no, I like talking without them. But is it weird talking through that? I've never done this before. Oh, okay. I don't think he can breathe actually.

Yeah. You look like you're struggling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But a church. A church. It doesn't sound weird with that.

It sounds horrible. It sounds horrible. It sounds so bad. Can we take it off? It's fine. You said you got COVID. You for sure had COVID, right? I had it.

They literally shut down the production of the show. For you? So slick, check it out. Slick. Stefano. Does that his name? Chrissy T. Chrissy T, right?

Love him, right? Chrissy T. Chrissy T brings this fucking Mongolian or whatever, right? To bad friends. He's not Mongolian. He's Italian. Oh, yeah. I don't know why he said that.

Italian. But yeah. But there's Mongolian fuck, right? Yeah. He comes, I don't know him. He's a comic, right? Yeah. But then he gets the red all fucking sicked up with the fucking coat.

No. Yeah. That's how. So Chrissy. Chrissy gave. No. Chrissy brought a dude. A Mongolian.

A Mongolian. An Italian dude, right? Not Yanis. No. That's not Mongolian. That's Greek. I just was making sure. You thought Yanis was a Mongolian?

Yeah. I don't think. None of them are Mongolian, by the way. Yeah. No, this guy was brown. Got you. So he brings this brown fuck. I love him.

Very talented guy, right? Yeah. God bless him and take care. This is hilarious. I feel like I'm at a hockey game. This is hysterical. Yeah. So.

Is it being like darker? I honestly, I don't know what you look like right now. I can't see you. It feels personal, right? Definitely. I feel like you're the man. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you're the Mandalorian. Am I baby Yoda? Am I baby Yoda? I'm baby Yoda, right? So check it out, bro.

You know how I know you haven't seen this special yet? What? Because you're in it. Twice. Twice? Twice? Yeah. How?

I knew you didn't watch it. You were supposed to send it to me. I did send it to you. I made Netflix give you a free, like the screener. First of all, I went on my fucking Google. Right? My email, right? I knew you didn't see it at the time.

What? Are you looking for his name in the email? Or are you looking for? I put Andrew Schultz in my Gmail. It never came up. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm in there, dude.

Yeah, you are. Oh, you see it. Oh, you do. You motherfucker. Look at that. You fucker. So what was the thing? What was the thing?

No, I was just saying, we were doing a thing about like, just about like China, like starting a virus. You know, China. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Throw in the Korean. Well, the joke is like, is like, I love, like, I love Chinese people. No. It was like, oh yeah, they love making viruses almost as much as they love squatting to smoke

a cigarette. And then there's you squat and smoke a cigarette. And then I think I said, yeah, I love like Chinese people, you know, Jet Li, and that's you. We said like Squirtle, but I don't know, I just threw you in there because I love you. Yeah. And so back to the Mongolia. Yeah.

Tell me about the Mongolia. The Mongolian brings. This call is dangerous. I remember the last time I was here, I had these fucking calls. You like, you like it? What a life you guys live. Yeah. And the vid, he guy gave this, the red, the red fucking, the vid.

And so now we're a little paranoid of New Yorkers. You should be. Yeah. Yeah. My podcast co-host Akash, another brown. Yeah. I love him. Indian.

Yeah. He did the podcast with Chris and Yanis, gave it to Yanis. Give it to Colin Quinn. Wow. Half the comedy scene got it from doing mine. Yeah. And it shut down the Netflix. It shut down the Netflix special.

Literally we were about to film and then the next day I found out that I have Corona and we can't do it. You know what? I'm glad I came like Amanda Lorian. No, you're, you're, I'm the safest. I'm immune. I'm Mario with the star. I don't like your story.

Yeah. You have a see through one. I can't even see your eyes. Yeah. I honestly can't even see my hand in front of me. What's going on? What is the point of it? It's like bird box.

Oh yeah. Bird box. Isn't that bird box? Yeah. I hated that movie. Bird box. Terrible movie box. I just, I just remember her being blind on a canoe.

That was amazing. That's all I remember the movie. She's in a canoe. And machine gun Kelly was in it. That's the only thing I remember. Go and explain machine gun. Okay. I'm sure he's a nice guy.

Is he a nice guy? I don't want to. I don't know anything about him. He is? Yeah. I mean he's just, I don't get it. He continues to be in the industry forever.

But his body type, His body type means he's a big dick. Isn't that right? When you watch a porn and you see machine gun Kelly's body, the dick is big, pink and delicious. Is that also concave chest? Okay. Right from no chest.

Big dicks. Oh my God. Big dick. I didn't know that. You have a big dick. I have a big dick. I don't have concave chest. I know.

But if there was ever a time to show it. In a safe space. Yeah. But do you, have you guys care the least about him? The white guy? He's got a fucking bingo visor. This is crazy. So, where's your white privilege?

But you never look in the mirror and say to yourself, God, Andrew Schultz, I have a fucking big dick. No. I don't think I said that. Is average then you think? I think I have a nice dick, but I'm never looking at it like, oh my God, that's the biggest dick I've ever seen.

I mean, you watch porn, you see guys with way bigger dicks than you. Yeah, but that's pro shit. But that's the thing. I don't watch porn and go, yeah, that's what my dick looks like. But then if I'm like peeing at a urinal, maybe I'll think it's, you know.

Yeah. I'm good. Yeah. Take a step back. Yeah. But does a girl ever go, like, are they a gasp when they see their penis? A gasp?

Yeah. I've never had a gasp. A gasp and a gasp. Yeah. That's the wrong word. You put two words together. It's okay. Yeah.

Wait a minute. I actually understood what he was saying. Thank you. Did we both get it wrong? I think it's a gasp. Oh, I thought it was gasp with a P at the end. Yeah, but I combined it in the both. I said a gasp.

Guys, I went to public school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was gasp. I went to Blair High School. It's literally, the score of Blair High School is a 0.5 out of 10. What do you mean? My high school was the reject school of Los Angeles.

Blair? A gasp. You're right. There's even an H in it. I don't know what I'm showing you clearly. Because when a girl sees my penis for the first time, I get this sound. Oh.

Yeah. Or, oh. Oh, wow. Like, that's it. Wow. Yeah. Not like a baby. I've heard comics talk about girls making baby sounds.

Oh, no. It's more like a question. I actually think it's bigger than a food. Thank you. Well, that's the thing. Key to life is low expectations. He's like, low? Yes.

No, he's very smart. If you have a smaller size dick, you say it's the smallest thing in the world. And then when girls imagine it, almost not there, then they see it. They're like, wait a minute. That's not the smallest thing.

I know what you're up to. You smart fuck. This is what you do. This is your shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the smartest guy in the room and you act like the dumbest guy in the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know what you do. I know you. Before, though, but I used to do this as a comedian. I was like, meet a girl. Like, this is before I was on TV. And I know that I had a 15-minute set that destroyed. Yeah. But I would meet a girl and I go,

I'm all right. I'm average. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you bring them in the room, right? And then you destroy, right? And then, you know what I mean? Yeah, baby.

That's how I do it. And then you started doing it with your dick. You started doing the same thing with your dick as you did with the comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. I always lobe all things, dude. You know, in fact, when I go into any job,

I always think the worst is going to happen. So you prepare yourself for disaster. Yes. Yes. It doesn't happen. It's a success. It's a success. Yeah, because if I go in there with,

I've done this before where I've like, I was in that movie, The Dictator. Yes. And I would go, I'm going to kill it. This is my time to shine. And then there was like a couple of scenes where I was like, not working. Yeah.

And like people are like, you know how they, they mumble at Video Village? Ah. So you do its take and then all the producers and directors, they get in a huddle and they go, No, that wasn't it. That was terrible. You know what I mean?

That was terrible. And they look it back at it and they, we hire that guy and whatever they say, I hate that. Right? So I go in like a Tom Cruise blow up, or do you ever like really go for it? Dude, what do you think of his blow up?

I respected it. He did it for you. Literally like, nobody has a blow up and only positive shit hat like, But let me just save the turtle. But I'm like, right? Like who gets angry and doesn't curse and just as positive things.

If he dropped like an n-bomb in the middle of it, I'd be like, Oh, okay. This guy really. He just was the best guy. Yeah. Like we're going to save people's lives in their college education. I have a theory that I think that was a PR move.

Yes. But, but that's just because I think that, you know, his stocks have dropped since the whole David Miss Kavage thing. And he keeps doing these big action movies, but he's really kind of out of the Oscar contender kind of category. So I think, I think that was his attempt

to kind of. Galvanized support in the industry and they make him look like a good guy. Like he can. Because it worked on me. Exactly. Because you really care about Corona. I'm immune.

So I'm like, you fucking pussy. But he, he, he used his power and that's when you know he has power because if I would have done it, this is what, this is what it would happen. This is what it would happen, right? Hey guys, I'm going to tell you right now and then somebody would go, fuck you.

And it's the fucking gopher. Right. Or the guy holding the boom. Fuck you. Sit down. Chinaman. Yeah. Right.

And I'd be like, oh, I'm sorry. Right. Whereas they let Tom go. And I'm going to say this, that last fucking Mission Impossible movie he did. Bomb? Dude, one of the best action movies I've ever fucking. He's a beast.

He's a beast. He's a weirdo. But he's a beast though. Yeah. That's the thing. Like if he was funny, he'd probably be one of us. Mmm.

Like he's weird enough to be one of us. He's just not funny. No, but you know, I have to admit, he was entropic thunder. He thought he was really acting. No, but he was funny. I don't think he was trying to be funny. I thought he was. He was like, seriously, be this.

We need you to be that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he is a weirdo. But you know what, dude? It just shows us his power. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You could probably do that on your new Netflix show. Damn right, I could. Yeah. Is it a show or a special? I mean, it's an hour special that we broke up in four episodes. So it's like 15 minutes each. Right. And it's what you were doing on.

Instagram. Instagram. Literally, yeah. And then they put it on Netflix. Yeah. We just filmed like longer versions of it. Yeah. I love how the last time you were here, we were talking so much shit about Netflix.

Bro, I had to do it. But now I know how it works. That's how it works. Yeah. How do you get laid by like telling the girls she's amazing? Or being like, I got another girl. Yeah. Wait, what's that book that people used to guide you through?

Neutralize the fucking, how do dorks get laid? So one of the things is. Is it nagging? No. What you do is if you see four girls, this is what I read. I met the guy once. Yeah. You see four girls at a bar.

I hate it already, but go ahead. You see the one that you don't like. Yeah. That you do like. You don't pay attention to her. You don't pay attention or you do condescending remarks. I didn't nag that. Yeah, you do.

You see something like, you call that hair? Like what are we in the 80s? And then you start like you're going to be hitting on the ugly one. That one is going to like you. I somehow don't think that would work. Yeah, it does. It works. But it's some loser shit because you like got like lower girl self-esteem so that she'll

like you. Exactly. It sucks. I hate the idea of it. But and initially when I was. Yeah, it is what it is. It works. It works.

It works. Now that when I was talking crazy shit, it wasn't like, oh, this is how I'm going to do it. It was literally just because it was like, well, I got nothing to lose. If they don't fuck with me, let's fuck you. If you don't fuck with me, let's fuck you. That's the way I go. So whereas a lot of people I think in my situation are just like, well, I'll just keep on being

nice and hopefully I'll bump into them at like moon tower. I'll win them over at the at the bar later than if you don't fuck with me, let's fuck you. And we kept making, you know, dope shit. And you know who got involved and I got to give him all the credit. Justin Bieber told Scooter Braun about the me and these like pieces and he was a fan. And Scooter was like, yo, this is fire. Like why?

What's going on with this? And he made one phone call and a deal was done. Wow. Wow. And you know what's funny? What? He saw the special three days ago before it came out and he goes, I love you. You're hilarious.

I got to take my name off the special. I go, why? He goes, you're making fun of all my friends. This is how I make a living. Kamala Harris has been in my house. Destroy all these people. I love you. And look, you got this, but I can't have my name the first producer.

And then you just murder everybody that I know and I do business with. And I was like, man, that's cool. Did you really take the name off? He got a special. Thanks. You know what I mean? It's funny because when I was watching that shit on Instagram, I wanted to hate it. Okay.

Yeah. I love it. That's my energy. Yeah. I wanted to hate it. You know what I mean? I would. In fact, a couple of times I'd see you post it and I'd be like, I just scroll, but I wouldn't

just scroll. I would go out. I would. I would just scroll and just like, like a pretty turning a page. Turn page. Right. Fuck that guy. Right.

And then one day I was just like bored. I was, you know, I was like, fuck, I'll watch one. And I thought to myself, this dude right here, this is going to get picked up for something. Hmm. You know, you hit me actually. I think you texted me. Yeah. Yeah.

It was, um, it was good. Thank you. What you were doing was good. Thank you. And congratulations. Thank you, man. It's very difficult for me to say. I appreciate that.

You know, I love you, man. So that means a lot. But you know how I feel about you. I do this mutual. You know that. Yeah. You're slick. What the fuck?

I got to turn this off. Thank you so much. Thanks, really. Oh, man. Thank you. Thanks to bless. And djan Mar zien. And you can see my eyes for that.

Yeah. It ruled. All the way in the back of the room. Who is that? Jean Mark. Duple, just good, plop. Oh, I think I trashed one of them in the, uh, I. Now I called them Anthony boring.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. As he did that stupid video with the black. I take responsibility. One of them did that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I trashed him. What a fucking gork. So what so how would do that? Why would you do that video? How stupid are you to do that video? What an idiot? Would you which one was it? Mark or Jay fucking idiot? I take responsibility for all the other guys I'll take responsibility for them

You loser You don't like can't you explain to white people explain to your white friends that that's not what you want. Yeah, Mark Huh mark. It's Mark So tell please tell white because they're doing this like performative like I'm not racist shit Right, just tell it because they don't have any like they grew up with no like minorities at all Yeah, they think that in order to like let you guys know that they're not racist They have to like go above and beyond right. Yeah. You just explain to them. They're like you don't respect them for that Yeah

Yeah, I don't we don't we don't mingle with those types. We don't make those the kind of types of weird No, but they're working together, but I'm saying we're LA dirtbags. We don't yeah, I can't work with them I don't wanna put it was in that video. Come on man. I gotta work with them You literally don't get invited to anything like you really are we are trash. Oh, I don't even go to Asia That's what I don't go to Asian events. I know you have a thing with that. What do you mean? I don't know. I noticed that you have a thing with that No, I you you're like, you know what you're like what you're like This is this is you're not gonna like this thing, but I like I could take anything go. No, but you don't like it

Like now that now that it's like cool to be Asian. Oh, you're like, you know, I I paid the dues Like I paved this shit, you know, you're like Urkel, you know, I mean like well, don't know But yeah, like Urkel was a black nerd way before chance to rapper. Oh, yeah, he was a black nerd when you could not be a black He paved the fucking stones in the street. Like that's who he was. Yeah, you're out here being cool Asian dude Yeah, and then all of a sudden being cool and Asian is fire and you're like, oh, no, no, no We're not gonna act like I didn't just do this. Yeah, but is it but is my point of view the I think the reason why I Refute it and I push it away is because it's a defense mechanism. It's like, you know I'm happy that Asians are killing it, but you're like, where was mine? No, but they don't invite me to their party

There's a very they also don't invite me to the party. That's not fair. That's not that's fucked up there's a really clear distinction between his brand of like renegade Asian and what's still like considered There's a acceptable Asian acceptable Asian and even though we're all of us collectively we're like, oh, we should do away with a Model minority myth. Yeah, they still don't like dirtbags They gotta get out of that because that's that whole that's you know, it is that's like that's legacy shit That's some shit this gets passed down for your parents like all these Asians that are in entertainment their parents They want them to do that. Let's be honest. Yeah, like being an actor

That's not what your parents are like hoping you would be when you grow up. So they're renegades as well But because you're too rent you're too much of a renegade. They're like, oh, no, but that's a little too far He should sit in the back of his Prius. They don't want that shit. No, no, that's understandable Look, I'm okay with that. Like you should be shunned by the community Like Chinese people just stop shitting on the street and here you are In asian shitting in a Prius. Yeah, not on purpose by accident. What happened? You don't even drink I got no excuse. I know I just have this I I just because I smoke cigarettes and I drink a lot of coffee andrew, right?

I have this certain urgent I have a certain urge to take a shit every once in a while Uncontrollably traffic or like what's the reason park outside of my dermatologist because he would rather shit inside the car than outside and occur Oh my god, bro. I'm la cienega. You can't shit outside of la cienega. It's a business street in la Yeah, so you sit in your Prius. I shit in the Prius now in a bag in a bag. No, yeah seat. Yeah I didn't think you should have a fucking seat. Yeah, yeah But he has shut in the seat before I have I've done that too. Yeah So many stories, but here's the thing, okay that

You never had a sudden sudden urge to take a shit and you had no controller. I've shed my pants before well There we go. I don't want to shit in my own pants. I was I'm not being an adult shit in my pants. I did three times a day at least. Oh you do. I like to shit Yeah, I should have to push or does it come out like slide out? No, it comes out Yeah, I'm good to go three meals three shits. That's how I do it. Do you take long shits or short one? Long 30 minutes But you're so you're conditioned to shit at a certain time. Is that what it is? No You force it. Nope

What it just happens organically. Oh, you sometimes I'll do three shits before 3 p.m. Are you being real? Just where to go in my life. Is it where does it go in my life? Are you taking anything for that? MCT oil Kind of it. No, nothing. It just happens. I get a good work out in we're taking shits. Yeah Yeah, I mean, I shit in my hand the other day for what reason would you do that? Why for what reason? I don't know about this one. I know I didn't tell you it was so and then it was the bathroom was a disaster Why did you do in your hand though? Oh god?

All right, uh, yeah, you're gonna tell us I'm going to but I had to there's got to be an angle Okay, can I find my angle? Yeah, okay. Fuck you man. You white piece of shit. Yeah white piece of shit You only have one I You see what is happening here. Yeah. He cares if you get corona from him He doesn't care if you get He's welcoming the corona. He could easily put another one of those little what is it? Garbord box. Is that what that is? Yeah, this is unbelievable. Okay, so you grab the piece of shit like a fucking no

Like a red-ass I cut the party. You just I cut the fart Okay Ah, you know how you cut the fart. Yeah, and so what so what I like last night. I was really gassy. No remember one fart I had and you were like what the fuck is that? Yeah, right? I apologize. Look at me. I can't tell I'm looking. Okay. Good. Look at me. I apologize. It's disgusting disgusting. You cut the fart in front of her I always do at night. So what I do is yeah, I don't want her to know that I'm farting Okay, right, so I'll I'll do a cup and then right no and I'll take my pinky and my thumb Yeah, and I'll spread the cheeks open a little bit like this. So it comes out. So it comes out with no knowing. Yeah, yeah

I've done that. Yeah, and it's my it's my style of doing it. Yeah, it's great. It's great. Thank you so much, Andrew Honestly, I completely understand, right? So I so the other night it's respectful It's like you actually care about her. You don't want to be worn up. Yeah bingo, right? So I I spread it open and I cut the fart Yeah, and then when I looked at my hand in the bed there was a pile of shit Oh, you didn't feel it at first. You just saw it. Yeah. Oh, wow So it's right, but then I felt I felt like, you know, my my hand went clung. Yeah, you know, like a cartoony clung Right. I looked at it

Are you okay? What's the angle? There is no angle. I'm just I'm telling a straight story I couldn't find an angle. I have an angle. I have an angle. I just shit in my I couldn't find an angle I'm just embarrassed. All right So what it was and then so I had to do like a um, I think I was a waiter, right? I was a waiter for years Oh, right. So I had to do a What's the angle? There is no angle There is no angle. I shit in my hand is the angle. All right. I apologize, babe

Okay, right. So like I had to do a waiter thing. Yeah, you know, I mean like I was in Perry, you know, I mean, yeah, and I had like, you know, I mean a coffee Yeah, you know, I mean I had to do a thing and I threw it in the fucking toilet. Oh, yeah And then I washed my hands, but I looked on the ground. There was a trail. So I had to clean it up. It was a fucking dissent What is wrong with you? Yes, yeah, I have a lot of things wrong and I and let me say something. Yeah, that was something that I was gonna die with Yeah, because I came in the room and I was like, why does it smell like shit in here? Okay. No

Yeah, I was gonna die with that story, right? I wasn't gonna fucking say it, right? Yeah, but I cut the shit There's a rogue poo right now in the living room. Is that you too? That wasn't me. No, I was a dog There's a rogue poo. There's a rogue poo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's a rogue poo up there And I looked at it too and I it wasn't me. I still don't understand why it's sun visor What is the sun I don't understand the sun thing I just think that um If it were really up to me, I'd have ear muffs on I'd cover every single orifice just really because if my mom were to find out That I would take this and she wouldn't see me tomorrow or all weekend. She's really scared of it

Yeah, because my dad is my my my stepdad is just a really uh any tiny cold turns into pneumonia for him. Oh, shit Yeah, um, yeah, if she found out at all that I was even doing this Kalala also has physical things that you know, we worry about as well, right? Right? Yeah Yeah, but it's not I I worry that if you get it that it's gonna exasperate the problem But I'm an athlete sounds good. No, but is it the right theoretically? I'm okay Oh, no, what do you mean theoretically theoretically? I'm okay. I'm young healthy. There's nothing wrong would be besides an arrhythmia Yeah, that's what I meant. Yeah, what's an arrhythmia? It's basically when your electrical conductivity in your heart goes a little bit So you're only you're only supposed to have um in your in when your heart pumps

It needs to be it needs to have an electrical there's an electrical circuit that runs through it There only needs to be one and I have multiple so My heart doesn't beat like this. It can sometimes do this Oh, like there are other pathways. So what I needed to get done was they went up my femoral area here and they put little Wires up and they burned heart tissue and they burned all the abnormal pathways extra pathways that I have Yeah, whoa

Yes, but it's actually it's it's it's an outpatient surgery. You're out of there in like six hours What but andrew we were we were in a hotel. This is the first episode she had we were in a hotel On an island, which one in the Philippines. Okay, right and we were in a hotel and It's late at night and she looks at me. She goes. I'm thinking I'm having a heart attack So we had to carry her to a fucking taxi drive to some like mom and pop You know, I mean hospital. They had no equipment there So then we had to transport her to a bigger hospital in the big city, you know, I mean It was a whole lower deal. She's been in the hot that she was in the hospital for a week and a half

Were you terrified? We're terrified. Yeah, it's weird because you know, I was a I was an athlete my whole life Your athlete Yeah, and I swam division one college and so it's weird for me to not trust the one thing that has served me my whole life Was I mean does that In any way help you you know how like people with like very slow heartbeats They actually make good cyclists because when you increase your heartbeat They're already at a much slower rate. No because if your heart is

How does that make sense? Yes. No, I know what you mean, but I explain it really dumb You know, I like I like I think it is true what I was saying, right? Yeah Yeah, if your heart is actually able to do one full beat and eject Oxygenated oxygenated blood out to the rest of your body. Yeah, but if your heart is sort of doing this Oh, it's barely even getting it out Then you're not really pumping out the necessary blood to the rest of your body And that's what happens a lot with arrhythmias. So I don't know what kovat does to that

But you're like it could do something. Yeah, so I don't want I don't want to fuck with it So when you roll up with the backstreet boys to my fucking house Dude, they got SUVs. There's a fucking yeah. Yeah. Yeah deep, bro, right? Did I not I look outside the door and there's a fucking like, you know, a fucking choir. Yeah Yeah, we ordered burgers. Yeah, we're not very comfy and no matter who's like, right standing in front of my house And I'm like, holy fuck. I don't know what to do. So, um, yeah, you came down terrified, dude Bro, he was terrified dude. Yeah, he came down. He talked through the fucking door. Yeah, he didn't open the door at all There was no. Hey, hello. How are you? Yeah, and um, I knew who's terrified because he came up to the door real close

Or no, so the glass real close and then I went up to the glass and I started like kind of like humping it Yeah, oh, we'll have I humped a little you humped a little but like we'll have some gay fun, right? But like usually Bobby's gonna out game me in the fun, right? So like I'm thinking he's gonna pull his dick out Like my friends are gonna laugh. He like did one or two hums and he was like, okay. So guys, there's some rules Oh, but but I had to get to like I had to get I had to get there I mean, I had to be mr. Responsibility. Yeah, I mean, yeah, because I literally have sushi coming, bro Yeah, and I asked if you guys wanted sushi Yeah, I know bro. Listen. Okay. It's just that the initial when you rolled up, right the initial panic

And I have to listen. Also, you knew I was coming because I said I'm gonna order food and you're like don't order any white shit So you knew I was ordering food and I said And I didn't I tell you I go Andy I call you Andy. Yeah, I go little Andy from New York, right? It's hongo, right? Yeah, and so he's gonna order food because he's not responsible, right? I was like and on top of that. I was like, you know what? Let me set up the netflix to crash landing on you my favorite k-drama my korean drama. I was it was asian stuff Yeah, I was like, okay. Let him eat downstairs

We're gonna hold it and they were yeah, but then you rolled up with like fucking crew with a fucking a brown guy Yeah, I mean a black guy. Yeah, I mean and then you a hippie from fucking Barstow, what the what? Who the fuck is that guy? That's my boy mark. He co-created the show with me. Oh No, he wrote it. He's a comic. Oh, he is. Oh, it's great. Is he mad at me not at all Like don't I want I don't want your posse to be mad at me. They're furious, bro They're eating sushi in a car. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we're uh, so you're in town for a long now I leave well, I'm staying here and then my girl, uh, her family's up in santa barbara

We'll be there for a few days and then we're going to uh, hawaii, man We're gonna go to hawaii for like a week. Oh, wow. What island? Uh, the island of lanai Oh, we've never been there, right? Yeah, I've been there. Yeah. Oh, you've been there. Yeah. Yeah I was just you like a couple weeks ago filming the show. Yeah I wasn't there. I was doing a television show, but It's what the hawaii one magnum pi. Yeah, I know the show bro. I'm not making fun of it. I like to show So I was shooting there, but um, you know, um, you're gonna go with you. You have a new girl from santa barbara Is it I have a fiance?

Yeah, we got engaged bro. I I saw the ring dude. I did good, huh? You did did I did good? Have I met her? Have I met her? Yes, you met her at montreal So you're dating her your fiance that's your fiance. Yeah, I liked her a lot. She was sweet She thought you were the best, you know, she loves you. I really liked her. Yeah, and they have a dog named wasabi. Yes Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because I thought you were like a fuck machine like some of the west coast people we have here Right, but you're not like that. I never got that vibe from you at all. I mean, I think in my single days I I you know, I probably dated just like anybody else, but uh

My goal was not to be that like I always wanted to find a girl that I really enjoyed being with and you know Exactly then you get it and you're like, oh, this is 10 times better than anything else. Yeah, and um Yeah, I just got really fucking lucky with her man not to be like corny about it But yeah, she's and they are far better um dog parents than we are. Oh really? How many they they they they teach their dog. They discipline wasabi. They move all the He has one it's all her by the way. She's amazing with wasabi I literally just go to the studio all day and I come back and I just walk wasabi at like midnight Yeah, and that is my contribution. So if the dog is well trained, it's it's all her for sure

How did you feel when when you were in new york when um, some of these comics were going down? Uh, dude, it was wild because your whole scene just got shut the fuck It was crazy. It was like one after another unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah, and it at first I was like, is this some revenge of the nerds shit like Because that's what I thought right? It was like, oh the cool guys had their run Yeah, and then all of a sudden like it almost did it seem like it was like a targeted hit That's what it felt like, you know, some of the people that were brought down were close friends of mine Yeah, and people that I knew I've known for 15 20 years. Did you know that they were up to these shenanigans?

You know, I'm I'm staying um, you know, I've said my piece on those on that on those issues, right? Why are you being PC around him? He's the perfect guy to talk about. I know what's the deal bro? Let's talk man. I think this is the perfect time to actually do it and say say how you really feel Well, what I told those guys and what I publicly said on podcasts is I I I don't know what I don't know right You know when you when you with guys and you know, obviously these two gentlemen that were brought down Who are we talking about? We're talking about deli and callan Like it's like the people know

I know I know we don't know These two gentlemen, I don't want you to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable. No, no uncomfortable I'm willing to talk about it. It's um, is I know them in one way Right, okay. Like I'm there like, you know, silly, you know Friend, yes, they're silly like, you know, Asian guy friend and we giggle and we we go out to diners and we you know Hey, we want to see toky the dum-dum, which is my penis, right? So I go you want to see toky and you know We're eating pancakes or whatever, right? And they go. Yeah, can you do a little song and dance?

Yeah, I'll bring them out, right? And I'll do a little like, you know, I mean like the nutcracker You know, I mean, I'll just totally drop the ball earlier, bro. What you could have had that. I know I got the red. I know I would have smeared my you had a black food to terrify They don't understand gay fun I know I know I will next time. Thank you. Yeah, I'll fuck them I'll fuck him for I'll make up for how fuck But like so we you know, I know these guys, um with the worst conversation to bring that joke up

I'll fuck him next time, you know, and also with you know, both of those guys they've been very, um Encouraging and helpful to my own personal life and career, you know, I mean so You know, I have this specific, you know relationship with these guys I don't know what they do, you know, I mean behind closed doors I see them at the clubs and then sometimes we'll go out to eat, you know So it's like it's a it's a weird thing. I don't like that how people there are certain people who think it's like Your or other people's responsibility to to know the ins and outs of someone's like private life. Like that's an insane

Um idea or an insane thing to even like yeah assume or to like require out of your body You know, you are not responsible for other people's behavior. You're not, you know, you You Shit in your hand You're not responsible for your behavior I'm responsible for that No, but yeah, I think that's unfair like to put that and I think that that's why I felt part of it was like a lashing out Because what I saw a lot was this there'd be an accusation against like chris or callan, right? Yeah, and then

The the nerds or like these comics that weren't getting up at the store. They weren't like getting up And even new york, I heard like I saw the new york comics tweeting about it like well Fuck you didn't even know these people. Yeah, and what they were the way that they were tweeted is Yeah, the la Kingpins are going down No, there's two people who've been accused of this But it seems like you've had a lot of like animosity towards this one group of people and you're looking forward to their demise And I thought that was kind of corny, you know because

Yeah, because you actually won don't care about the girls You just care about seeing these people that like made you feel inferior go down. That's the most selfish part of it all Like if you actually really cared about the girls, yeah, I understand you're you're you're I understand your anger. Yeah, you know, but if you just want to see someone you don't like go down You're a bitch dude. Yeah I also that's I agree But I also when people this is something that I left out when all this shit was going down Yeah in my public statements was um

You know Because there's this narrative that these two guys are like, you know Predators and you know mean bad people right and you know the narrative that I have right and this is sincere is is that um, and I you know But I've seen them as giving loving people. Yeah, because that's who they were to you to me You're allowed to feel that way to me. It's like your grandparents around you are sweet and I'm like a black guy They're probably not as sweet. Yeah, that's just like Like you still love your grandparents how they treat you

What's his name? Richard Kuklinski. He used to hang cats upside down and he was a mafia hitman and he killed like 30 people But he loved his children to death. Yeah. Yeah, it's joe peshy in a casino Yes, you stabbing someone in the neck with a pen and then the next scene he's making pancakes for his kid Every morning, right? So yeah, it's it's totally reasonable to have that Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I called both of them. I was just like, yo, what is it? Just tell me what it is. Yeah So I've talked to them and they adamantly deny so if they deny it and I don't have any proof to the contrary. Yeah, I can't Go, oh, this is real. You have to give me proof in order to say it's real

Yeah, especially if you're gonna put like the big like pedophiles a big word That's a big word. Like we don't play around with that word. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? So it's like Pedophile and rape those are big words huge. Don't put those on people because that's just sticks You call someone a pedophile even jokingly. Yeah, you're not gonna let that person babysit your kids Yeah, even if it's a joke, you know what I mean? So I called him. I was like, yo, what's the deal with this? Like what's going on? And they were both like, no, this is not true. This is bullshit. Blah blah blah. That's totally fine And okay, as long as you're not both of those words if you're shitty with women

Hey, there's a lot of dudes that are shitty with women. Yeah, it's I'm not saying it's okay But we all know there's a lot of dudes that are shitty with women and there's a lot of women that are down to fuck shitty dudes Let's keep it real There's a lot of girls that hanging out at the comedy store really just trying to suck dicks. Yeah, that's a true thing that happens You've seen them there. I'm sure I I was with the woman once and I and and right and she she lived at my house So I rolled up at the comedy store. Uh-huh, right and there's what I'm not gonna say her name Yeah, and she's just standing there in the parking lot just a just just a regular white woman. Yeah She's beautiful. A beautiful a beautiful white woman. Okay. What is that shape you're making? Yeah, I don't understand

That's the whole lot of nine curves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She was wobbly. You know what I mean? Okay She's yeah. No. No. No. She's normal. So now it's this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I fucked it up What's the shape of her body? I'll be real. I'll be real. Okay. If you want to be real her shape was like this Okay I don't know. I don't know. You're wild. You're wild. You're wild. Okay. So I get I get out of my car Total peace. Yeah, and she comes out to me and this you know that this is like, you know, I mean I should have like, you know, I mean like alerts in my head, right? Yeah, but she just went

You know, I mean, you're cute, which is like already like Come on. What the fuck and she's like, I'm a fan of your comedy. You know, I mean, yeah Now I'm half hard. You're hard. Yeah. Half. Yep. Right. Not full. Right. Yep. She goes I live Here a different city. Okay. I drove here. You mentioned the city before. Yeah. Yeah earlier. What are you really? I'm from Bakersfield Barstow. No, she's from Bakersfield. No, she's from Bakersfield. Yeah. Barstow has a great Del Taco. Do not knock Barstow. Yeah, yeah Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry That specific Del Taco is amazing. Andrew, if you're gonna do anything in Barstow

If you happen to drive from here to Vegas and you stop in Barstow and do not get a Del Taco I will be so disappointed in you. Can I tell you something? Yeah, I know what fucking Del Taco you're talking about Barstow is on the way to Vegas Yes, and there is one town. Yes, and there's a fucking Del Taco that is right off of that Highway that you take to Vegas And you ate that and I've never eaten there But there's a uh, there's a gas station that's next to that Del Taco There's a few things there. They have they also have a taco bell. There's a panda express

There's a chevron. There's it's a big it's a small Maybe I'm not thinking about the El Taco, but if we let Barstow, I'm thinking we let go the fucking Del Taco No, no, no, it's just so weird to be like, oh like to say a fast food place Which is like the entire brand is making the food the same in every place Yeah, to be like this one not in Barstow. I think the Barstow one if I'm not I don't think I'm wrong on this might be the original one. Ah, okay. Yeah, okay. Okay fair enough But anyway, go back to the story. So there's this She's from Bart, but Bakersfield, right and she goes I drove here. I don't want to drive home

Oh, yeah, yeah, I spend the night at your house. Oh, yeah, yeah, right? Okay, and I was single at the time Okay, and she was a beautiful woman. So I go Okay All right, so we sit there and we watched MTV. Let's go Set the mood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fucking Aziz. Yeah. Yeah, dude. That's how I know Aziz was a nerd When he put on Seinfeld And then Dork, right? Let's set the mood

Is that what the girl said? Yes These pretzels are making me thirsty Dork, come on, buddy. We're on mission impossible. So she so she um, you know, she We're watching MTV and then she pulls out a titty You know what I mean? God, just like, you know, it's a sign singular one titty What was the shirt like? It's like a loose t-shirt and she pulled it up top. Oh, that's savage And it was like, you know, I remember the nipple. Yeah pinkish. Yeah, right

And with you know, I never sucked a titty before I made out with a girl before okay, right? It's like kind of eating like the dessert before the meal completely reasonable, right? Yeah, but I went for the dessert you have to because the titties out. She opened she opened it up She stretched the collar of the t-shirt. You know, it was like a loose like, you know, also there's a responsible woman right here I'm sorry. You don't do that. This is I understand everything right now Like not like I hadn't before like the level of responsibility that while you're talking about this girl that you May have had sex with she's going not what a slut for fucking you the first night. She's going who stretches the collar Like that girl is trash like you're stretching your shirt

That's like the next level. I'm also offended by you saying I may have had sex with her. I don't know. I'm not telling you I did well now you're telling me, but I'm not gonna put that on you. Okay, but I'm telling you that I did Okay, because I'm a closer. That's what you oh, all right. Were you laying up? So a titty was out right and went for the titty got him sucked it right and then so she started living at my house No, yeah for like a week. Oh, yeah, yeah, you wouldn't leave. Okay, you mean and we were just the on the kitchen table all kinds of stuff Right. Yeah, it was a great and then um About the seventh day in we were at a restaurant. Okay, and I had a comic call me and go Yo, dude that girl you're hanging out with. Oh, don't bring her to the club

Oh, and I go why? He goes because I'm bringing my girlfriend Oh Right and I'm like, why does that matter? Why would that matter? Why would that matter? Right? Yeah, bro? We're all fucking that girl. So she was getting rinsed. Yeah Interesting. Yeah, just so then we're at dinner and I get off the phone with my friend. Oh, yeah, right and I turn to her Oh, god, I go, um Are you getting right? Are you being rinsed by other comics? Yeah, right and she goes. Yeah, you're fanny rince, right? And I go, um

Oh, can you tell me who right? She goes, you have a pen and a piece of paper? No Yeah Right. She started like, you know what I mean? It was like the Dead Sea Scrolls. It was just like, you know what I mean? She had to Unraveled? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was like, you know, I mean the list open micers I mean, you know what I mean? New York comics midwest comics. You know what I mean? Open micers. Yeah, it was like crazy. That's the most insulting. Yeah I know and I looked at her and I go, we can't do this. Yeah. And you know what the most insulting thing is? What?

So a couple years later. Oh god And he mentions her name Because do you know so-and-so? I go, yeah And I go, did he goes, did you? And I go, yeah And then two days later, he comes back up to me and he goes, yeah Yeah, I'm seeing her. I asked her, she never did it with you She didn't, she admitted to the Dead Sea Scrolls Right. A thousand names, right? But she fucking left, but she, she denied

She fucking denied it. Wow. That's disrespect. You should be able to meet to her Like a reverse, like- That's like Asian discrimination. It is. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think it was an Asian thing? Yeah, I do. Interesting. Because, you know, I've said this before, you know, I've had like, um, many women, you know Um, and this, you know I think this bodes well for me. I mean, I have, you know, I mean a certain, um, a talent, I guess, you know And so I've had a lot of women who have looked at me like in bed Locked eyes with me and say

I just never thought I would ever Look up with the Asian dude. Look up with not only an Asian guy, but like a guy like you. Yeah, you know what I mean? And then, but instead of like being, I love it. That's the best compliment ever. Right. It's the best compliment. It, you know, I feel good about it Yeah, I mean it is insulting, I guess It's not because it complements the thing that you identify with. What do you mean? The charm, the humor. Yeah, you're a great care. It's like, you don't care about like your fucking height or whatever like that. You care about the personality Like that's what you, you know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's some douchebag guy who's like, yeah I'm 6'4", and his whole identity is he's 6'4". He's a fucking loser. He had no control over that. Yeah. You went to build this personality

Right. People fall in love with and they end up fucking A person they never thought they would. That's the biggest compliment in the world Yeah, it's a survival in my, because when I was a kid, I used to look at my parents Even back then when I was 5 or 6, and I would look, and I'd look, my dad's what, 4'9". Okay My dad's, my mom's, you know what I mean? Even smaller. Right. And I used to go I'm fucked. Yeah You know what I mean? So you had to figure out differently. I had no chance. Yeah You know what I mean? At all. So like growing up, I had to, you know what I mean? Figure it out. Yeah

You know, and then here's another thing for those of you listening, right? Um, you have to swing Yeah, you're right. You have to swing a lot Right. That's interesting. I learned how to swing and I learned that from a dwarf Oh Can I ever tell you that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I learned, I've told you this, right? I learned who? I can't say his name. Comic? No. I almost fucked a little person that worked at cpk. I just got hard I love watching little person porn. You almost fucked a little person work at cpk

Yeah, he was like a he was a friend of of my my best friend We were like 20. All I'm imagining is him trying to get the pizzas out of the oven Like operating a boom mic or or like putting the like if there's a counter here putting the pepperoni as a kid Okay, wait, so how this happened for the same reason you're talking about it's just he had So much confidence. Yeah. Yeah, and if I were to have just said yes I knew for a fact that he it could have possibly been the best sex of my life Really? Yeah, I knew he was gonna try the extra heart a hundred percent. Yeah, he's going above and beyond That's so because he has to follow my labia. Yeah

He was gonna just ingest it or he might have climbed inside it like a cave Yeah, with a fucking flashlight that'd be great But um, so I used to work at a coffee shop with a dwarf And he used to fucking get mad pussy. Really? Yeah. He was also like a punk rock dwarf Oh, that's his yeah tattoos to the wrist, but it's like one or two Yeah, yeah, yeah, you had one tattoo of skull throughout his whole body Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's really funny. I don't know why I laughed at it. That was really nice But um, I and one day I just we were having conversation. Yeah, and I go come you get so much pussy

Because Bobby That's how we sounded and I'm not I'm not being you know, I mean, yeah insulting. Yeah, Bobby I don't see you try I swing every day man Did he really have a voice like that? Yeah, because the dwarf I was gonna fuck didn't had a really hot voice It wasn't like it was deep do it in person. He was also a black guy Oh, he was he was a black dwarf. Oh, that's a level of confidence that we've never seen I could find him. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because yeah, I think it's only recently that like being like

self Being like insecure has become popular or allowed in black culture. Yeah, like being like the awkward insecure black guy Is like a very new thing. Yeah, like in black in black culture. It's like no, you better be the man Or it's not happening at all So imagine you're a dwarf how much more you got to overcompensate. Oh god, I gotta meet this guy Yeah, I was also thinking if flavor Flav was a dwarf if flavor Flav was a dwarf Yeah, you'd have a hunchback because of all the heavy medallions He just wore like a wrist watch

Maybe we'll just do that But yeah, so you almost fucked a black dwarf, huh? Yeah, and it would have not been a big deal to me because honestly when I first met you Because I look at proportions a lot and I always try to like diagnose if someone has like p.r. Robin syndrome or eller danlos I was looking at what are those things. What are those? Just like, you know, things that people are born with like inherited Um, you know, so for instance like Michael Phelps when I look at him I'm like, oh, I think he might have like Marfan syndrome really long limbs Abraham Lincoln had it I have this kind of head that goes straight there. Like I wonder what that is and when I met him

And I looked at how t-rex short his arms were I thought possibly that he could have some like growth restrictive type of issue Or syndromes, so because I really do think that you have like cute arms So you saw his arms And like what you were just like Like why were you into it? What would I was like? Well, if he is kind if he is a dwarf Maybe I'll broach that subject down the line. Did you imagine him like like clapping cymbals?

What was the turn on? Give me the examples of things you were thinking about his tinder profile was a picture of him doing this His arms in the air. Oh, wow. Yes Yeah, that's why I was like, wow those things are short and that's because I have I See this I am I have extremely long long limbs. Yeah. Yeah, and I'm six feet across even though I'm only five eight My sister has six five wingspan and she's only six. She's not only but she's six feet tall Oh, wow, so we're a straight up like knuckle draggers basically

But so when I met him I was like, how does this bode for our children our genetics my genetic it evens out it evens out Oh, this is brilliant. Yeah It's it's lego. You're literally just putting together the pieces that are supposed to match What if we have short legs long arms though? That's kind of lit Then they can swing. That's like Wreck-It Ralph You guys will have a Wreck-It Ralph. Yeah, but you know also why I want a kid is seeing Gilbert Godfrey's kids Okay, because Gilbert Godfrey to me looks like he's like a mutant. Yeah, he's not a really he doesn't seem like healthy Yeah, just visually. He's a very funny man. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a huge fan, right? But he's kind of like

Peculiar peculiar. Yeah, he's right. You're your guy. Peculiar guy and he's kind of the way he walks and carries himself He also kind of seems like Unhygienic, I guess. Okay Okay, to me to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but his kids are so like huge. Yeah. Yeah, and so it's like you can break the curse Yeah, that's what you do. You break your fucking curse. Yeah, even even midgets aren't always midgets when they have kids There's like a 50-50, right? Yeah, I think it's like yeah, it is 50-50. I think it's amazing So you've been thriving during the pandemic. Yeah, man. It's been cool. I've had a great pandemic I know it sounds fucked up. But yeah, I have

Yeah, I have to admit. Um, I have as well And and I and I feel you know, I know a lot of people are struggling and I feel sad about it. I really do. Yeah, but um But you know, I don't know why I didn't do anything. It's just like things are coming in Right that are pretty cool, you know, and um, I sold a show to a network, you know Yeah, and you know, I booked a movie and there's other things, you know, I mean going on and it's like, um I'm with jane mark 2 plus on something. Is that their name? Yeah. Yeah, and Anthony Tony Tony but my point though is is that

You know, there is a feeling of of guilt, but you know, I've had I've had a A pretty decent pandemic. Good. I don't know if guilt does anything for anybody else I don't think it does that's the three like you're a good person for feeling it Yeah, but at the same time like you feeling guilty doesn't like get somebody a job. They lost Yeah, so it's like you might as well enjoy I do enjoy it. Good. Yeah, I am enjoying it and also, you know, I have to say that you know, I um I've been in the business for a long time probably Triple the amount that you've been in. Yeah, I like you've been in comedy

13 no, no 10. What I'm 37 13 13 years So probably double the amount of time you've been yeah in the in the business and it's like, you know, I've I've hung in I've waited in line, you know, I put in the work. Yeah, and I feel like, you know, you know, I I deserve it. It's a career not a job. You have a career. Yeah. Yeah There's certain guys that can pull off career and a lot of guys can't most guys can't most guys have like a little flash You know, I think both of you guys are cockroaches. Yeah, we're not going anywhere. We're gonna survive I'm with you on this 100 percent. It took a meteor for for For us to realize how resilient and only the cockroaches survived it, right?

Yeah, it took a pandemic for you to kind of both to come into your own 100 percent. I was this is okay Take this with a grain of salt Obviously, I don't want a pandemic. Obviously, I don't want any of these things to happen I don't want anybody's life to be affected negatively all these things. Yeah, but when I knew that this was the world What we're gonna live in I got excited because

I thrive in something like this. Oh, this is for me Ideal scenario because now Everybody's got to compete with me at my game Ah, you know what I'm saying when the lights are on and you're at the fucking late show and you got the crowd and all All cheering and all that kind of shit. You can make shit look decent Right, but then when they took away the crowd the lights and then Colbert is in this fucking living room And now you got to compete with me. Yeah, it's you'll never win. Yeah, even the stakes It's funny that you say that because I had to you know, you know, and I'm and I'm blessed

That I have the opportunity to do it But I had to you know, there was a time when Hollywood didn't want to fuck with me Of course, and we've talked about this before and I had to start podcasting and things to like generate, you know Income for myself. Yeah, and it's funny that you know, I did that way before the pandemic, right? And I built this, you know, this audience, you know, and this, you know Profile out there and um now when the pandemic happened. I'm still doing my thing. Yeah, right and I think that's the The blessing. Yeah, it hasn't stopped you. Yeah, it it caught up, you know, and then now I'm getting probably even bigger now No, yeah. Yeah, I imagine like more people have time to listen to podcasts. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's it's it's it's booming and um

But also what I found um Interesting is is that you know Hollywood wants to fuck with it too, you know, dude, you got to chase heat It's like it's no different than like uh politicians like that's why I don't pay politicians any mind like they're useless to me You know what I mean? Because like they want power. We control power Whatever we want they have to do in order to be in power Right, so I'll never try to convince a politician to do anything if I want something I'll try to appeal to the people. I'll be like, yo, is this something that y'all want as well? Okay, cool. Now this is what we want and then all of a sudden politicians go

Well, I guess weed should be legal Right the same people that are like weed should is illegal. This is a horrible drug The second the people are like, no, no, we kind of want weed all of a sudden boom weed is legal, right? So they're just there's a useless puns. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like we can affect culture way more and then the same thing With like execs and that kind of stuff and it's where it's just like anybody who doesn't fuck with me Is gonna learn they do You think you don't

But it's not up to you. Yeah, it's up to me. Yeah, I'm gonna make shit so hot out here That your job is gonna be at stake if you don't fuck with me because you don't want to be the guy who passed on me Yeah, I wish that makes sense. I wish, you know, I and I get you That's what when I first met you. That's what I got from you. Did you have a really good childhood? I think yeah, the childhood unbelievable Unbelievable my parents are incredible. Yeah, my parents are absolutely. You're very actualized And you really have a lot of the things that neither he or I have what does actualize mean Act like you you you can get there and you can rally for yourself and you have that belief in your own power

Yeah, we're we're spineless little um, um, kind of scared of our own, um Strength either you say gooks. I don't believe we're finally I don't believe that you guys don't believe in your power. We have a lot of shame because we got beat so much as children Yeah, it's like every you know, we never really were Rewarded for even anything. Yeah, but ah, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes Yeah, but because how can you become so successful? What is it or do you not recognize your own success? Well, it's like unless there's I I have a perfectionist a perfectionist kind of head

I won't even try if I don't know the result is absolute perfection because It's not like there's any reward to be had because I just was never rewarded unless it was exactly what my parents and then that's crippling Right because then you don't try to do certain things. Yeah, because you might end up failing Yeah, so you eventually you just become paralyzed with all these like an abundance of ideas. You'll never ever even pull the trigger on No, that is interesting. We are better about it now, but we're but that's why I've tasted success Yeah, and I look at a guy like you though and I go um because we really are fond of you. I love it. Thank you I love it. I love you. I mean, I love you. I know I know but As soon as I met you I was I was fond of you and you know, and I think you know

Rogue and all these people fucking with you too, right? It's it's like it's a you know, you're able to now do bicoastal shit, right? Yeah, but there's something about you guys have embraced me more than the New York scene has embraced me Wow 100% West Coast embraced me way before in New York. That's so strange. Why is that? um I kind of like carved my own path in New York like I didn't like do like the traditional like uh, I wasn't like hitting the mics with a lot of people and I wasn't like For lack of a better term like really kind of like hanging around maybe the seller and like um, I don't want to say kiss and ass of the og's but like

Uh, I just didn't feel like that was the best use of my time Like I thought the best use of my time was like getting on stage as much as I possibly could and being as funny as I possibly could You know and like that's what my main focus was and I wasn't like trying to like cozy up to anybody to like open for them and maybe that was interpreted as like not You know paying the respects or something like that, but that's never what it was. It was just like I know what the f*** I want to do I know how to get I can get better at comedy by working on comedy not by telling this comic how amazing his set was Does that make sense? Yeah, but I but you know for me, um

My opinion about somebody is you know, I look at the work Okay, so it's like, you know, when I I remember When I first met you, I don't know if I said this is the last time but I didn't know who the f*** you were Right. Yeah, I had heard your name because I knew that you were on the list because we're doing that show together But it couldn't put a name to the face. So you were leaning against this like poll Right and you go. Hey, I'm Andrew. Yeah, and what I wanted to say. I didn't say it. I don't give a f*** Right. That's what I wanted to say. Yeah, but I go like, oh nice to meet you, Andrew Oh, whatever this f***ing white guy, right?

Right, but as soon as you know, me he I saw him perform, right? Yeah, there it's the same Um feeling that I had when I saw patrice for the first time. Oh, that's the big compliment where I went Oh F*** That's real Right. He could be the biggest piece of s***. You know, I mean, hopefully I could be his friend He's a piece of s***. I can't be his friend, right? But then he turned out to be a really nice guy as well, right?

But it's like I just look at the work, right? I don't know about the history or how you got there You know, I look at what I see on stage and I go. Oh s***. That's high level s***, right? Yeah And so um, that's how I you know, that's how we that's how I know you right right from from the work And that's the best. Yeah. Yeah, you know and and now you know, I mean You're also a great podcaster and we we have a good relationship, but um, you know, I really do You know, you're a young kid. I want to f***ing hurt you sometimes I really do when I look at the videos, you know, I mean, I want to go Ah, I don't want to get but I have to f*** with it. Thank you. I'm f*** with it

But so when's the Netflix? When is it? It's out. It's out. Yeah, it's out now. It's uh, you guys go check it out, man It's uh, Schultz saves America. That's what it is. Yeah. And then what else do you have going on? Nothing Are you doing a lot of stand-up or no? No, I haven't done any actually. Either of I Yeah, and and weirdly enough, I haven't desired it Yeah, I think like my creative juices were fueled by this project that just took so much f***ing time Yeah, it was okay and then Weirdly enough like doing pods like and hanging around Not my own pod, but like doing other people's pods, especially if there's like people in the room

I start to miss stand-up a little bit Because it almost feels like you're like, you know, you I'm hearing you tell a funny story Like even when you were telling me that story earlier in this podcast, I'm like, yeah, that'd be a good bit, man There's like a lot of it because it sounds the story sounds like you're bragging about banging this hot chick, but it really I'm like, oh f*** man. I missed me on stage. Yeah, yeah You know, but at the same time, I'm like, I'm not gonna perform in like 20 degree weather on a roof Yeah, you know it for me. It's not I don't yeah, like that's not how I want to do it People are like calling me dude. There's a great f***ing beat show and I go show me a photo, right? Yeah, and they're outside

People are f***ing 500 feet away from the stage. Yeah, six feet apart, right? I need to hear a laughter. I want you close. I was so comfortable Yeah, yeah, you know, I'm the type of comic that like Energy bro, not energy. I oh dad, but also I like to like I like to grab people behind the head I don't know what I meant by like you feed off their energy. Yes, you got to connect to them. Yeah. Yeah Like you play have you played the Denver comedy works? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know how close they are. Yeah, yeah, right I just like going. What's up, bro? Yeah. Yeah, I'm here. You know what I mean? And like you know what I mean farting on somebody. Yeah, or like you know me doing what I do

You know me, but it's like I can't do these vast You know, like I'm doing it like a mad max f***ing bullshit. Yeah, I mean it feels spoken word Yeah, you know, yeah, it feels like a little spoken word like you can go up there and you can like do your misdirection bits and stuff Yeah, or like a joke like a story that has a big like twist at the end or something it will work But the connectivity is definitely different and I thrive off that like I want when I'm with you I want to feel your energy. Yeah, I want when I'm silent and you guys like waiting for the line I want to feel that you also do a lot of improv too. I see you know, I've seen bits You know, I mean, so how do you really riff and all that stuff when they're like 14 feet away? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

What are you wearing? No, really? You know, like yeah, it is but it will come back That's what I'm not tripping about like it's gonna come back and then we'll be back out there But like yeah and shout out to everybody who's doing the shows like yeah in New York like The seller just closed then they started to do like these dinner shows But the whole time New York comedy club was like shout to Emilio. They were fucking hustling dude Like they started putting shows on fucking roofs, man

And in the summer it was fire Like it was literally like peep you could see across the river and like people are on this like lit roof And they were doing like they were finding outdoor areas. They just fucking hustled man. Yeah, it was so impressive to see Yeah, and um, obviously now it's cold, you know, and everything's shut down in New York again. It's annoying, but I don't know. I just I hope we can get back to it, man That's driving me crazy. I know I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's so rude. What happened. You got a call? I don't know how you don't know how to turn your own I silent Okay, silent mode an hour after

Well, you should have said it the first time I have I did it kept looking at you, but my eyes is are not That's your fault. That's your bad. I have laser eyes. I know. I know. I'm so sorry. I just turned it off another thing from the duplex Oh So we're doing it tuesday Oh my god, I should text. Yeah, let's do it But he does with you know, he does this we have my 19 year old niece from the philippines lives with us He doesn't give a shit about anything, but puppy's an anime love it But he wants her to respect him

So he goes to her room every night anytime he gets let's see a text from the duplex brothers He'll google them get the picture out get their credits But do you know that i'm working with this? Oh, no, I don't do that. Yeah, I don't do that And she's like tita bobby. I don't care Or like one night what like when she first moved in I was like on youtube showing her some film parts I was in and she's just like she does not give a fuck Really? Yeah. Yeah, look. I'm doing a scene with ben kingsley. She's like, I don't know. I don't give a fuck What is what would make her give a fuck if I was doing hunter hunter like a voice on like an anime on anime show

Anime just massive. Yeah. Yeah. She would die. She would die trying to think who's like the new philippino Like obviously when we were growing up as mani The new philippino rock star. Yeah, who's the new rock star from the philippine philippine. No, but Joe But he's phil wait philippino-american or like benoy puno like from the philippine doesn't matter either one like what who is the new rock star Well, you don't have like brutal mars is their big one. You know, I mean, but he's half He's half. Um, I'm trying to think in sports

It doesn't have to be sports. Just anything like but who is the new guy splash brothers? Oh, I want you to okay, dude Not curry not curry and tomsen you have to watch anyone listening. Okay, so, um, the philippino has a diving team Right, right? Yeah, and if you go shit on my country, I'm so sorry. It's at the funniest video you've ever seen your life But it is the greatest video So and on your own time, I want you to google youtube right philippino splash brothers And it's too. They're on the national diving team and they're competing and it's the funniest dives They're the worst divers you've ever seen

Purposefully. No, they're trying their best. Maybe it's I think it was just like Terrible, I think it was too bad dives. It was the worst dives One guy. Okay. One guy was supposed to dive head first. Yeah He dives feet first, but he's still doing that fucking. You know what I mean head first fucking We have an unhelpful advice. So yeah at the end of our show we do an unhelpful advice, you know Unhelpful advice with bobby colina and andrew Um, a 20 year old 28 year old man who has always suffered from premature ejaculation It started when I was 15 and instead of trying to receive help or trying to learn about it

I continued to be embarrassed kept it to myself and got really good at the post a coital apology Recently after reading great sex by michael casselman I began practicing better masturbation techniques and better breathing, but it still happens Especially the first few times I'm with the lady and the comfort level isn't there. We're talking like five to 12 seconds Whoa, I like to think I have good foundational relationship with women due to a great upbringing with my mom and sister But I find myself nervous to talk with women because I figure that the best case scenarios lead me to an embarrassing future moment While naked and vulnerable. So sometimes I get nervous to pursue The question is what do you recommend? I say to the lady when the inevitable occurs?

Do I make a joke afterwards find a way to bring it up beforehand? And have you ever gone through this and have tips on how to improve stamina? Okay, I don't know what it is What is it pretty much too quickly five to 12 seconds. So he nuts right away. Yeah, all right. So you it's basically if you look at my dick This fyi. Okay, you'll see a purple heart Really has it been through some wars? Wow Wow, okay. There's shrapnel in it. Oh boy. Oh, yeah. Oh boy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah It's been through some wars, right because I beat it to fucking pieces That's how you prepare it. Yeah. Yeah, right. So it's like, you know, I mean, it's either do it that way

You just you just watch a lot of porn. Let's what about what about just jerk off before you have sex? Yeah, that's what I would do. That's what I meant to say. Yeah, just black off Yeah, I have personal experience. Yeah, so I was in a really long-term relationship with someone who was Yeah, pre-jacker he wow Within he was a to pump chump Really loved him a lot But what he was really really really good at was foreplay Because he has to be he has to it's like you if you

You gotta just get her there first. So you have no guilt or no shame about nutting in two seconds Now here's a question. Did he did you ever try to go on top to start so he's not really in control? That's another thing I don't think it mattered for him. It was just like the also I One of the guys that I hooked up with in the Philippines This guy like knotted on my kneecap He touched my legs and he knotted before there was any type of real foreplayer entry. Oh, wow That's a compliment that was like your legs and then They're so long. Yeah. Yeah

So now is there a part of you you're obviously unsatisfied, but is there a part that's like super complimented by that? No, because I feel as though at that point like a breeze could get him there. Ah, so it's it's it's a dysfunction. It's not Yeah, and then what he said afterwards just really put me off. What was it? I remember saying like, oh, like, are you hungry? There's this really delicious place next door And I was trying to be nice because the guy I mean, I thought that he would be ashamed about it Yeah, but clearly he wasn't and oh, that's dead. He's like I eat to live. I don't live to eat I was like, I gotta get out of here Speaking of eating it's it's it it reminds me of when I eat with you in jewels

What happens so you guys eat really quickly we do because we were and I eat so I eat slowly because I grew up in a country club You know that I grew up in a country club. So I'll do the thing, right? Once, you know, I'll slowly, you know slice into whatever I'm eating, right? I'll look at it, right? Yeah, I'll savor savering savering. I love savering You know, I'll do the saver. We're not allowed to chew. They're not allowed to chew, right? I chew 42 times every time, right? And so and they're already done. They're out. They're out. You're right So what I want to do is Like this man, right? I want to you know

When I'm almost done eating then you can start Yeah, that's basically the same logic. Yeah, that's the same logic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think and also fuck uglier girls too Oh, I don't think that maybe he's like maybe up. Yes Like I mean, just try it. Yeah. Yeah, right? Like just try it. Maybe that's possible It's possible that you're sleeping with such attractive women like these unbelievably beautiful women That like you can't control yourself and then maybe if you slept with a girl that you were less attracted to for whatever reason Like maybe that would help you if I was the guy I'd for sure be him I I it doesn't it takes me nothing to come it takes me nothing a breeze can get me there

Really? I I come in my sleep while I'm dreaming. Well, that must feel good Bobby Yeah, but it's nothing I don't know what she's thinking of what she's dreaming But I'd be him. I'd exact. I know it. Maybe my dad was a you know Premature ejaculate. Oh, you have it in you got your dad's gonna be in a I feel it. Maybe your dad's coming That's really sad. I came on. I came on an elevator button once. Oh, yeah. Oh god. Here we go I came on an elevator. I never told this you were jerking off. No, okay Okay, so I was at a club. Yeah, any many many years ago even club in bed. No at a comedy club

Oh, I was performing. Okay, and I made up with a girl In the elevator. Okay, right Coming down. Okay. She was leaving and as the elevator closed I jerked off onto the fucking buttons of the I mean, I love that I love that. I felt bad for whoever was gonna press. I want to know what club it is it was in um Tampa improv or Tampa improv not side-splitters or whatever. No Okay, how do you know about side-splitters? Well, I do comedy

Professional comedian guy. Yeah, uh, but that's a tough room. That's a do you like Tampa improv? I I like the Tampa improv Yeah, yeah, it's a tough room for me. Really. Yeah. Oh, because it's the ceilings are just huge Are there clubs that you don't like Yes Yes, that you have you been to a club and you said I'm not gonna be I'm not gonna come I'm not gonna come back here Yes. Yeah me too. Yes. Yeah, uh, Toledo Funny bone. Yay. Toledo funny bone. I don't need I did a sunday night in Toledo funny bone And I was like, I don't need to be here anymore. Yeah, and uh, also

There's a you know, those those comedy clubs. They're in the mall Rick Bronson. Oh, yeah, the one in Edmonton. No, that one was good. I love that one. That one the one in minnesota That's it. Talk to me. I want to tell you right now. I played it one time I called rick. I go never again. Never again. Yeah, the sound is so horrible. Oh, so you can't find a place It's like 15 floors up on a fuck also true. Yes. Yeah Terrible terrible, but Edmonton Edmonton is a real destroyer and they love it. They love people are starving Yeah, they've seen sunlight and like Yeah, yeah, they're dying for comedy out there great fucking place and the radio is in the fucking mall everything's in the mall

Yeah, yeah, the hotel's in the mall. Wait, do they have a hotel? Do they have a like a I'm trying to think if that was the one that has a hotel. It's a hotel, right? Don't they have dolphins in the one Edmonton? Yeah, the otters and stuff like unbelievable. They have a pirate ship Yeah, yeah, they have a pirate ship. Oh, no anyway, um Shitting on Andrew. Yes So anytime you're in la, um come do our podcast. I would love to and can you guys come to new york when this is Oh, dude. I'm gonna do it. Trust me. There's gonna be a time. Look at me right now

There will be a time where I'm gonna have to call you and go. I need help. Yes. I'm promoting something Let's go. I'm being real. Please. Let me do it. Please. Oh my god. There'll be a war If you betray me. Oh, no, I'm not gonna betray you. Yeah, I'm gonna rely on you. Yeah, opi. I love opi. Yeah Justifano. Yeah, all you guys. Yeah, but just come you know that it's whatever you want when I know I get it. I get it. You check in with schultz and you're good to go. I know. I know. I know. I know But um, I love you. I love you so much for coming. Thank you for having me. Give him a round of applause That was a great one. No, thank you guys, man Okay

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