TigerBelly - Ep 285: Jade Catta-Preta and the Car Crash Fantasy

Episode Date: February 24, 2021

Bobby refuses to answer Kyle. Khalyla studies pee splatter pattern forensics. Jade finds her 90 Day Fiance. We talk delusional confidence, Buzzfeed viral posts, and the Ms. Universe of Dick. We are starting an email update of all the happenings in Papaya land. If you want an email notifying you when our next merch run with the exclusive TigerBelly playing cards and new t-shirt designs, you can sign up at: https://www.podcap.io/bellyPlease support our sponsors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. Oh, I see what this is. That's a decent proposal. Did you see this? What happened? The team up? Oh. You know how they get together on the team up? Guys, I brought you gifts.

We haven't even started yet, so don't even do that yet. How many episodes have we done? 285. I'm not saying that again. Let me say something. Okay. We're doing the pandemic. You know, we're welcome, by the way, to you.

You look great in a Hawaiian shirt. And I have to say something about your style, George. When I first met you, it was like, no good, no bueno. I looked at you and I go, does he, because when I met you at Maker, I literally thought, is he maintenance? The way he was dressed, you know what I mean? I was like, he does the wiring. Like he doesn't, he's not a part of Maker.

He's like, do you understand what I'm saying? They call like, you know, the electrical guy, right? So he's just, they're like, what is this place? Yeah. Right? And you're just doing, but then when they go, does any producers want to work with Bobby? This fool raised his hand.

I was like, nah, nah, nah, nope. But here we are. Congratulations. We got you. Okay. And then we have you. No, Gilbert, I love you. God bless.

Essential worker. And peace. You're essential. And then Kalayla, I love you. Non-essential worker. You're very essential. And congratulations to you. Thank you.

Appreciate you. But to me, it's a very special podcast because, you know, there's a couple of birds I know. You know, chirpers. I think Ari Shafir is one. He's like a pelican-y bird, you know what I mean? That's actually a pretty good. Yeah.

Like a pelican-y face, you know what I mean? And I know people are going to go, well, because he's Jewish and look at the note. No, that's not what I'm saying. Okay. Yeah. He just looks like a fucking bird. All right.

And then you have hummingbirds and the little ones, you know what I mean? You know, the ones that like have the little, the beak. Yeah. And they, you know, the flower and the nectar. I've seen the National Geographics where they go, you know, with their beaks, right? And you don't even understand how they're staying afloat for

that long. So much energy being, you know, me used, you know, right there. A human fucking baby hummingbird. Baby hummingbird. Yeah. She used to open for me. And the reason why I liked her because she, we've said, I've said this before, but she's stylistically as a standup very

close to my style. What's so funny? I love it. I'm uncomfortable with compliments. You're very close to my style. Was that a compliment? I don't think it was. Yeah, I look up to you.

I don't think it was a compliment, but she does, you know, you know, I love double-handed Mike Holdings. She does that. You know what I mean? Well, you do it like this. I mean, and then you, you know, you know what you're doing. You know, I don't like the ones that are just standing there. Wow.

So what about today? Huh? Today? Wow. Awful. Is that how you imagine? Yeah. Yeah.

The political infrastructure. You know what I mean? Everybody thinks I'm the mechanic here. Yeah. I work. Yeah. Yeah. But you, you know, they get gritty.

I hold it at the ball. Yeah. I noticed that. I hold it at the very bottom. I know you do baby. You know, but hey. I haven't said your name yet. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. So, um, here's another thing that we, we kind of went, I don't say viral, but it was the first and the last time I was ever on Buzzfeed. Do you remember that? Yeah. Yeah. And it was because, um, you were on stage and I stole your phone

and I posted some things. Yeah. The, the one set that I almost got perfect to submit for 30 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. And then so, and then let me just say what she was doing currently. I was so proud of her. And everyone in the comedy community was proud of her when she

was the host of talk soup. They call the soup. The soup. The soup and, um, Same thing. The last time she was here, she corrected you about talk soup. Maybe 65 times. It's so funny because, um, if the Rolling Stones just changed their

name to the stones, I'm still going to call them the Rolling Stones. I wouldn't call the soup Rolling Stones. All right. So anyway, let's just say her fucking name now because I guess, you know what I mean? It's going awry. I got a chirp.

All right. So we've got Jade, Katta, Prada. Yeah. What's up? Hey, it's my birthday. Happy birthday, Jade. How old? Um, how old?

Fun. No, be real, be real, be real, be real. I'm 37. I'm 37. Oh my God. It's crazy, man. But I've been really busy. You know, I got a closeup mirror.

So like, just like I grow a full mustache daily. Yeah. I think so. You, um, and also you've been posting, um, some Photographies of, um, with you and this fucking, like I would suck His dick, I think. Yeah. He's so cute.

He's so sweet. And he woke me up this morning with donuts. He wakes me up with tea every morning. Wow. You motherfucker. You know, I have to admit though. At first, like I really loved how hot he was, but then now it's Making me feel so like he'll be like, Oh, I feel fat.

I'm like, you have 11 and a half abs still. Yeah. Yeah. And so. Yeah. Oh yeah. He's a babe. By the way, have you guys noticed that Instagram sucks?

Like that picture's got 400 likes. What the fuck? I mean, just for his abs alone, I get a thousand. I know. I mean, I liked it. I double tapped, of course. Yeah, dude. Cheryl's looking fly.

Like back to the future style. Yeah. He's cool. So the way you met him was you talked about him on the soup. Yeah. I made fun of him. He was on a reality show, which we don't like to talk about, but he was on reality show.

A couple actually. And I made fun of him because he said something really do. She has his intro like, Hey, I'm Cameron from Texas. You know, kind of a. Oh yeah. Yeah. And justine brought it. Justine wrote on my show.

She was one of my best friends and she's a comic. Justine is a cupcake. Marino. Cupcake lady. Yes. Yeah. That's how I know the cupcake girl. Yeah.

She had her show funny dance show and cupcake. She wrote on the show and she brought this thing in like this video and before the pitch and was like, Oh my God, you're going to want to fuck this guy. I know it. And I was like, yeah, I want to fuck this guy. Um, so I made fun of him and then, you know, cut to now. Did he make so because I can imagine this is what I would do. Right.

Let's see. There was a younger. I wasn't seeing you. Yeah. Right. I wasn't seeing you. I have to do it. It just makes me feel better.

Yeah. Better about it. All right. Let me do it. In a world. Yeah. Well, let's suppose I never met the greatest woman I've ever met in my whole life. All right.

And I'm watching the tube. Right. And there was some other person, not you, but another young lady doing the soup and they were making fun of me. Right. It would be, I'd be like, Oh, you know what I mean? I should kill myself because no, no, no, but that's what I would think. This guy saw you making fun of him and went, I'm going to tap that.

No, he was, he, you know what, he reached out to me and he said something. He was something like, cause I made fun of him, like shaving his armpits or something. He had like a lot of armpit hair. And he was like, Hey, I shaved. I'm more aerodynamic. And I was like, okay. See, that's the best thing to say. That's funny.

Yeah. You know, he knows the word aerodynamic. Cause I would have, I would have said, Oh no, I come from a hairy family. I'm half Armenian. I don't stop making fun of me. I make so much fun. You have no idea. I make so much fun of him on a daily.

I don't even know. You have to when they're hot. Yeah. I have to. Yeah. You have to. So then, so you, he reached out to you. What was he living in Texas?

He lives in Texas still. Yeah. Still. He flew here. He flew here. And I told you, I met him for the first time at the airport, 90 day fiance style, like was in the car waiting to meet him during COVID to all my friends were like, he's coming from Texas, which is like the bed bug of the world right now.

And so he came and yeah, we just would do a little trips back and forth and then it's been like, I bet you money though that you're at the airport and you know that you're picking him up. It must make you feel like, you know, that's a great feeling. By the way, meeting at the airport for the first time, I've only done it once. I was like, I was freaking out. I was hyperventilating, sweating, you know, but like cold at the same time, shivery. Is this a rude thing to ask?

Do you like, if I was a woman. Yeah. So, and I was in the same in a world in a world where I was a woman and I was the greatest woman in the whole world, right? Okay, I'm going to the airport to meet this guy, this hot guy with the abs, right? I would wash my coochies. Oh, we do. Oh, dude.

No, if I'm going to serve it, I've tasted it. Yeah. Why? Yeah. You got to know what it tastes like. Yeah. Brillipads. How do you taste it?

You just dip a finger in it. Oh, yeah. You can dip. You got to dip. Yeah, you can dip. I forget you can dip. Yeah, you can dip. Yeah.

Sorry, George. But I've dated guys. We can't dip. We have to like rub. Smelly Dicks are no good. It's no good, man. A smelly dick really ruins everything. It really does.

When I say something about my dick, that's, you're not going to like. Okay. It's a new thing that I found out. I'm sure I found out about it before you understood. I'm on the edge of my seat. No. This is like meeting my boyfriend at the airport. As I get older now, you know, the skin around the head of my dick, right, goes over it like

it's uncircumcised. Are you getting loose skin now from jacking it off too much? It could be. I don't know. I never went to a doctor about it. Are you? I'm too embarrassed. Maybe you don't know.

I think your skin just gets loose and old as you get older. What happens is when in the morning or like, you know how four in the morning you pee, I forget to check that the skin is around the head and I pee sitting down. So when I pee, it pees through the skin that's over the. It's a wild hose. It goes all the way over. So it does like one of those like eight spray, you know what I mean? Right.

But I don't wash it. Believe it or not, I already know this about you. Yes. I've been looking at the pee splatter pattern lately and I'm like, what do you mean forensics? What the fuck is that? She's like ducks. You know, I hate a dirty toilet seat and your shit is just shit. I mean pee.

No, I know. But your pee is just all over the place. You don't wipe. You don't have a little piece of paper that you wipe the dip. So what happens is I go to sleep, right? And you know, without cleaning it. And I guess my urine is very pungent. Oh my God, Jesus.

Right. And so it kind of pickles. It pickles. It ferments. It ferments. Like kimchi. Yeah. The stem of my dick.

Right. And so like I'll wake up and I'm like going around, you know, do my business of the day, which is either play Warzone, right? Or drink coffee or whatever. Right. Busy body. Busy schedule. Busy body, which I want to say is something that Steve Harvey said the other day that

really fucking fucked me up, but remind me to say it. But so then I'll be playing Warzone and I'll just scratch my dick. And what the Lees do, because I know my brother does this as well, right? Please don't even add your brother into it. Well, he doesn't do this. My brother absolutely doesn't. One brother. I am.

I can't begin to describe how downtrodden I feel right now. I'm just fucking honest, man. I know. But I, like, I just feel like I should just sew my vagina. Yeah. You're going to. The fact that you haven't caught everything is like a fucking metal with a metal thread. Why do you take it so personally?

Because that's nasty. She's got to touch it. She's got to put it. Yeah. I have to do things. I have to do more things with it. Do you see how they team up? It's just a pickled dick.

It's a pickled dick. And you know, what else when you're sitting down, aren't you dipping that tip in the water? Aren't you getting a little dip? I know. Like a team. Yeah. How do you just tip?

All right. My first of all, can I just justify and defend myself? I feel like that's like if she was on her period and was like, I just got a little blood everywhere. And that's, that's life. Sometimes you get a little blood everywhere. I'm going to start free bleeding. Oh my God. Freebleed.

I tried. You're, you're, you're, this is, this, you're, you're at your bleat time. Day one. Oh, I'm going to wait till day two to freebleed, baby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to say that.

Can I just defend myself? No, the chunkos too. Yeah. Pieces. I never really understood what those were. Yeah. Pieces. Dude.

Like, I just learned, I just learned about that. I didn't know it was junkie. Get some of the BAB pieces. How about this, baby? Take the baby pieces. Stick it on the sun. Let it dry it out a little bit. Yeah.

And I'll eat it like beef jerky. Oh my God. I want to be here for this. No, like Carpaccio. Like Carpaccio is funnier. Carpaccio is funnier. Yeah. And I haven't done stand-up in a while.

Anyway, I'm jealous. I should have came out with Carpaccio. Yeah. It's pretty good. Anyway. So I'm not saying that it happens every day. I'm just saying in the pandemic, it's probably happened twice. Right?

So I'm more like aware of it. So in the mornings, I'll look down and I'll untuck it. Nice. So there we go. Would you like a full untuck? Like, are you going to go somewhere to get like lipo sectioned skin? Like, how do you? You're right.

You're right. Like a dick tuck? Yeah. Yeah. You know what? That's funny. I've never researched it, but I'm willing to do it. There's two things I want to do.

That's not the first thing though. What's the other? The other thing is more real. Cosmetic? No. It's more of a brain thing. What do you mean? What would you get?

I think I read about somehow that they can somehow because so I don't get a stroke. Uh-huh. Right. And clear the like vessels in my brain. Yeah. With like technology. What? That's if you have a stroke, they can break up the clot in there.

No, I want to pre-break. You just want to just... I think you should do the dick tuck first. Yeah. Get that off the list. No, no, no. I did tuck first. And then brain thing.

Then prevent brain aneurysm when you have a nice dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But can I just say this? I know I don't want to get too rude about it, but rank my dick. What? One through 10. That's the bravest thing you've ever said.

She's way too young. So 10. No, no. She's very honest. Not a chance. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, but let me just say... Your veg? A nine. That's what I was going to say. Oh, here we go. Now, my feelings are going to hit. What are also... What are the categories?

Yeah. What are the categories? Let's put them down. Is there a size category? Is there softness? Is there how it fits in my mouth? Texture. I would say color.

Yeah. This is like a fucking mis-universe. How many criterias are there? Can I just throw in one more criteria? Yeah. Right? Because I test well on TV shows. So you do a camera test.

So in terms of cuteness and likability, it has to be. Okay. How likable is my day? Yeah. Just in terms of... Can I see the cartoon? Cuteness and likability has to do with performance, though. So is performance part of it?

Oh, yeah. And performance. Of course it is. And also longevity. Because sometimes you just want to go short. I'm out of time. I can't do a super long... Me either.

I'm like, did you sneak and masturbate before this? It's too long. I can last long. That is torture for me to have to sit there and fucking wait. Yeah. So, okay. What's the first criteria? Okay.

Let's go with shape. That's... You know what? Shape. I'm going to go with shape. I'm going to go 10 out of 10 because he's very symmetrical. I love that. Mushroom head.

Skinny body. Right. The shaft, the ratio from head to shaft is very perfect. Shape-wise looks great. P.S. Epstein came out that he had an egg-shaped penis. Yuck. Yuck. Duh.

Even. Even. Just squish it. Oh. So good. 10. You're going pretty good so far, but... Okay.

What's the next criteria? You go with color? Let's go with color. Okay. Because sometimes I like a purple dick. I love... He has a tricolor, so I'm going to give him a 15 out of 10. He's like a chameleon.

Yeah. Neapolitan ice cream, baby. High five. Taste the rainbow. Will this podcast get flagged? Let me ask you this. When we talk about stuff like this, does it get flagged? No.

No. Let's keep going then. Go ahead. Okay. So you're really killing it. You're at a 25 out of whatever number we come up with. Okay. Next one is...

Oh, smell, right? Oh, smell. Yeah. Because we got to get a low one right here. Yeah. In terms of... Like, yeah. No, here.

Your actual dick smells okay. It's just that once in a while I'll get a waft of an asshole, but I think that's coming from the back. But it also could be like, puke or balls. That has nothing to do with... You know, if I'm... Let me just say something, okay? If I'm eating at the bestia downtown, right?

Uh-huh. And I get a whiff of skid row, right? Yeah. Oh, just... That's a good... Yeah. How does... How do I rate bestia in a lower level because of the fact that...

Well, I would go this restaurant sometimes I get a bit of a shit stink smell. Look, if I'm bestia, I got to know who my neighbors are because then I have to worry about, like, anything adjacent to my restaurant affects my restaurant, right? Yeah. So I'm just going to make sure that the very least is surroundings are taken care of. Uh-huh. How can... All right, fine.

All right, fine. But I get self-conscious sometimes, like, if I just took a poop, like, you can't go down on me. I'm... I will do it. I'm super the same way. Me too. I am so anal about that.

About your butt being clean. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. A final category? Final category. Hmm. What's a texture?

Do you like an Ed Harris or a more younger... What's an Ed Harris? Ed Harris? Why that actor? Like, do you like a penis or, like, wrinkled or weathered? Oh. Or, like, smooth. Say Steve McQueen.

Okay. So he doesn't have... He doesn't have, like, a veiny dick, if that's what you're asking. It's actually a very averagely smooth. So I guess, like, an LA6. Wow. LA6. That means in Chicago or Michigan or any of the other towns, you're in, like, eight.

Pretty good. And then as for performance, I would say how it fits into my canal is actually kind of a perfect fit. I mean, it's just like... That's all you need. I mean, it's killing it. It's killing it. You're killing it.

So the pickled stuff. The pickled stuff. What's it a blue moon? Yeah, what's it a blue moon? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I know. I know.

We all have crusty days. Yeah. Okay. I feel pretty good today. There we go. That feels really good. So anyway, so... So that's a six.

So let's go back to... So you test. Yeah, I'll test it. You test your own thing. Yeah. Do you put soap in? No, no, no. That's bad.

That's bad. Why not? It messes with your pH. Okay. So if you put anything... If you put soap or anything that is scented or anything like that, it actually messes with your smell more. So you want to have, like, the most...

Without soap, your vagina smells amazing. I agree. You want to have soap cleans. I mean, you got to go in there and clean it out. Clean. Yeah. You got to scoop water. You got to go in and scoop.

You got to go in and scoop. Just scoop what out? There's, like, liquid... Yeah, you have discharge. Discharge. Discharge. But you... I do soap my asshole.

Yeah, me too. Deep. Yeah. Almost... I clean sometimes too hard that I feel like I have to poop right after. And I'm like, that's not good because I just took a shower, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Discharge means... Seems like, you know, like a prisoner or a leaving jail. Our vagina has to stay lubricated. You can read a lot from discharge. It's like a map, honestly. Like, my gynecologist will, like, take it out and be like, okay, let's examine this. Like, she'll touch... For texture.

You can really read about, like, your stomach and how you're doing through your discharge. Wow. Wow. Yeah. It's like tea leaves almost. Yeah. Discharge. How about the future?

Does it, like, give you, like... Yeah. You'll be alone forever. By the thickness of this discharge. You're done. Maybe... They'll be cool if they gave you, like, lottery numbers and stuff. I just went to the guy the other day and she had an extra lady in the room.

You ever heard of that? A trainee. I'm like, isn't there, like, a flashlight you can practice on? I'm the test vagina? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that during auditions. It's like, I don't get the real casting director. I get, like, the assistant in a fucking storage closet.

Yeah. That's me. I make my life very simple. The guy who does my pap smear is a small Asian man. I keep it very, very similar to long hair. I like a girl. You don't like a ponytail. You don't like a girl?

Well, no. A whole experience doesn't. You know, it feels familiar. Is there a guy out there named Patsmere? Patsmere? It seemed like there would be a guy out there named Pamsmere. Pamsmere. All right.

Anyway, so you get a Papsmere. Is that what they're... You were there the last time I got a Papsmere, but you were sitting outside, remember? Dr. Kawa? Yeah. Is it Kawa? Kawashiri. Kawashiri.

He's the cutest little Asian man. Yeah. Is he not? He's wonderful. He's a wonderful... I love that. Yeah. I like that set.

Like, I like that peace of mind. Like, my body's in check. Not to get racial, but... That's just gonna... We're all like, eyes open. Yeah, I know. It's already. Which means you're about to get racial.

No, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna go there. Because in my mind now, it's like, what are the chances of comedy coming from what I'm about to say? Yeah. And it was like, 2080. You know what I mean?

Not a good rate. So it just wasn't worth it. Yeah, it's good for ground beef, but not good for... Yeah. Have you ever done that on stage where you're like, I want to say this fucked up thing, but the chances of it working. And then sometimes you throw it out there and it eats so bad and you're like, I don't know how to get out of this.

Oh, no. I think I told this on here. It was like a white couple came in really late once in the very front row and I was like, talking about breaking stereotypes and everyone was like, we're like, yeah. And then next night, empty, black couple walks in and I'm like, here we go. Here we go. And then I said it and it just ate shit. And you're like, never, never repeat an improv.

And I'm like, fuck. Yeah. I have to stop myself. I don't know what that, but something brought that up. I was opening for Carlos Mucilla once and there was, I was, you know, I back in the day because I would pull, I can't even say his name, but I would go through the line when people are coming in because I just, it was cool. You know what I mean?

Like there's an audience. So I would like talk to people in the line, like a fucking idiot. I do that. You do? Yeah. I used to do that. Yeah. Yeah.

And there was this one guy who was making a really funny face. Right. He was going. Oh no. I don't know. I already know. I think I know what is going. Yeah.

Right. And I thought he was making a funny face to me and I just started crying, laughing. That's a funny thing. And I did it back. Right. And he was just, that's his face. Oh. He was missing part of his job.

He was, he had some sort of like deformity. Oh my. Right. And I just remember going, I don't know how to get out. How do you get out of that? How did you get out? And then you had to hold that face. No.

No. This is how it, no. This is how it is. Me too. Me too. You too? Yeah. What is that?

I got it. What was this? I was laughing in, while I was like, you know what I mean? Going through like, oh, the realization. So I went, and I walked away. It's the one. Get him. No.

Get him. Like, like my laugh was drifting into nothing. What if he was fucking with you too? It's not. Oh yeah. There is one time when I forget where it must have, it might have been Seattle where you did something very similar, but it was with a couple, but they were little people. And I, I couldn't have sprinted out of there fast.

What did I do? What did I do? I was like, you're on your own bitch. Bye. What did I do? What did I do? They were huge fans of you. And I think that you were, I forget really what you said, but it was along the lines of

basically telling them that they could almost pass for little people, but they actually were little people. But I think because they were sort of close in height with you, but it was so uncomfortable. So you weren't sure if they were, they weren't, but you were making fun of their like, what do you call it? They were making fun of their proportions. You're like, yeah, you're kind of just like me. And I was like, Bobby, they really are.

And I, I didn't even look at you. I just turned away and I left. She drifted. Yeah. I couldn't help you in that moment. What's cringey is I remember when early in the nineties, when I used to, so I just, this is so embarrassing. So I just stand up, you know, at like an open mic and there was a dwarf there, right?

Little person. A little person. Sorry, my bad. My bad guys. Learning. And I remember going, singing the song, follow the yellow epic route and the audience just a drop to the laughter and the guy laughed. Yeah.

Right. And I go, you store it and go, this, I'm going to use this again. It's a good one. Right. And then years later when society changed three decades later, like 15 years later, 15 years later. Same situation. I saw a guy and I was bombing to so I go, I'm going through the catalog, right?

That one. That kill. Follow the yellow epic route, right, and it just, I'm silence. I think in the back, somebody goes, not cool dude. Not cool dude. The guy with the mess up face. Yeah. Remember me?

I'm still smiling. I'm pissed. I, I did this on the road with you where in Miami and some girl really hated me. So she turned her chair around during my set. She was so mad. She didn't want to watch my set. So the time I'm making fun of her. So then we're at the comedy store like a month later and this guy has his chair turned around

and I'm like, what's up, dude? Cause you know, I had all the anger from the lady before. And then as I get down, I see him and his eyes are like kind of sewn shut and he's clearly blind and like doesn't have eyeballs. And I was just really, you know, so, and then everybody has to warn each other. Like I'm doing the front row is like, it's a blind. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I think what I, I also hate that when openers say they warned me about somebody. Yeah. I mean, there's a, there's a family of albinos out there, man. That happened. Oh yeah. Yeah. People will say that like an opener.

I'm like, that's kind of rare. Wow. And I go, how did it work? I did a joke. It didn't work well. Which is kind of cool. Cause you get to test the waters with your openers. Yeah.

You can always tell like, or there's like a bachelorette party. Yeah. That's another one. That's an annoying bachelorette party here. Oh my God. Yeah. I hate when people that I know come to my shows, I'm like, why are you trying to do this to me, let me work like, you know me a certain way.

Oh, it's not how I am. You know, it's the worst. It's hard. My family, every time my family comes, I bomb for the whole hour. Yeah. Or high school friends. Those are the worst. And they've seen me bomb and they're like, we knew she was never really.

Yeah. Yeah. And then I had, I was in Dallas and you know, I did the strip tease at the end of my set. And this girl Bridget, who used to be a waitress at the La Jolla comedy store back when I was a doorman back in the day. Now she is involved in some weird church and she's like a pastor and her husband's a pastor and they aimed to the thing and they were laughing super hard at my jokes. But once I got naked, right?

And it was one of those shows where a sack fell out. Just one of those shows. You know, you know how just randomly I know, I always tell you it's that one rainbow underwear. I was going to say. Yeah. Yeah. It's a rainbow one. The garden has gotten really loose.

Yeah. Yeah. So I followed up in my in my head because you can't you can't purposely pull out a sack or you'll get in trouble. Yeah. The magic. I saw you pull the sack out. And so I did the dance and then, um, she was so upset after the show, she sat me down

and she goes, can we pray that you never do that again? Her sack falls out. I love when people ask to pray over you, but what's the thing? I mean, then you did it the next night or you did it like an hour later. The next show. Next show. Yeah. But I still go through the motions because I'm trying to appease them.

But that's your sound like what dear, dear heavenly father always starts there, which I don't even know who that is. Please bless this. Yeah. Satan it. Yeah. But you know, it was it was like more like make Bobby realize that he doesn't have to resort to, you know, I hate that.

I hate that. That makes me so upset. Diabolical deeds or I don't know what it might be, but because it's all supposed to be fun. Yeah. You know what I mean? People get so offended about like one nudity at all. Like if you see any kind of nudity, it's like immediately it's something, you know what

I mean? It's like just let people be naked and be. And there's some clubs like Virginia Beach, who they just said he did great numbers. It was the funny bone there. Great numbers. Everyone loved it. We can't have ever back. And it's like, why?

It's just because it's just not for us. Do you feel like relieved that you don't have to do stand up every night in a weird way? I know it's complicated. It's not like a one word answer, but I have to admit, like there is part of me. I would have never stopped if this didn't happen, right? But it was like a sickness kind of a little bit. There's a lot of healthy things that happened during the pandemic that I thought was a good thing.

There's a lot of like missing comics. Like I never thought I would miss Mark Marin. I miss my comic friends. So I miss Tony. So I never thought. Yeah. I miss Tony. Yeah.

You miss certain people that you would never thought you would miss. And I also miss people that I thought were my frenemies. You know, like, you know, like people, I can't say them here because I want to start a war. You know. But you know. I know. You know. But like I had to pretend to, you know, be nice to when deep down inside, I want to destroy

their face, you know. But then it's like you, you go, what was that all about? And does that matter? And I just miss them as human beings. Yeah, I miss that. And there's something about this is what I miss the most. Doing a set and then having all my friends go, let's go to Green Blats and it's like 1.30 in the morning and you're just sitting there and then all of a sudden like Dom, I

rara. Yeah. Like one time Dom I rara. I was with Eric Griffin, Delia and some other guys. Never heard of them. And Dom I rara and Daniel Tosh stop by. Yeah. So then they pull up chairs and I was with a kid.

No, I was with a kid that MC'd for me from a club in Houston. He was just there. He'd never been to LA before. Oh, and this is his night. And this is not to hang out with me. I said, yeah, yeah. I could have told him. So he's just, I remember sneaking him into clubs and stuff and he just couldn't believe

it. Yeah. And she's sitting there and then all of a sudden all these people are there at the diner and we're just talking shop and telling stories and I can see this kid like, oh, this is unfucking believable. You know what I mean? What a fucking, you know, like a life altering because I've had those when you were a young guy where you're in a situation you're like, what the fuck situation am I in here?

This is amazing. Oh my God. This is fucking amazing. Yeah. I still feel like those things sometimes. Yeah, me too. Whoa, whoa. You know?

So it's like, you know, I miss all that stuff and I will get back to it. But you know, I'm not, I'm, I'm one of those kind of guys and that needs an audience. Yeah, me too. I'm having a hard time. Yeah. You know, cause I realized during the pandemic that what gets me off about comedy is being in the moment and being like, I never know what's going to happen. Like kind of coming.

I've never been a disciplined writer. If that's the part of me that like hasn't gotten the TV gigs with stand up, hasn't gotten like a special hasn't, you know, because I can never sit down like, you know, Seinfeld like writes every single day, like 15. I'm the same way. We're performers though. Yeah. Like if somebody wrote for me, I'd be crashing, but I have to work that muscle and it's like,

it's like torture. That's, that's my lack, my, my confidence comes from, I know that I can perform. I know the energy that I bring in. I'm not afraid up there. Right. I like to scream and I'm not, you know, I go for it, right? It's just, and I, the jokes that I do have are pretty good, right? They're solid.

They're solid good jokes and they, they work every time, but this is material that I am masked from over 20 years of doing stand up, right? I should have so much more to say up there, right? And because I'm not that big of a writer, even in a right, like right now I sold a show to ABC and my friend, and my friend, Peter's writing it, right? And he's like, I love Peter. I fell in love with Peter because of you guys in San Diego. Yes.

Yeah. He's a good kid. So Peter's writing it with this other guy and they're like, come on, let's write. And I, I just don't know how we tried writing it for like two seconds and we're like, fuck this. We can't do this. Yeah. Yeah.

I've never been a structural girl. And I'm like, I see it already. I can't see it from scratch for some reason. Yeah. Yeah. Like what I'm good at is I can, I can go, it'd be funnier if this happened, right? Punch up. This character should be doing this and I can do that, right?

And also on set, I'm good at improvising and coming up with stuff, right? But in terms of sitting up and making this make believe, I just don't know how story structure works. Same me either. Yeah. And people do it so fast. She wrote a great show. Really?

Yeah. Let's do it. It's not always a great show, but every everyone's super excited about it. That's exciting. Helen, don't jinx it. It may, you know, this is, you know how this works, but the fact that you did it, like just getting through it. I'm throwing it out in the universe.

Fucking. Yeah. Thank you, babe. Thank you for throwing it in the universe. No, I'm not. It's hard to even write a tweet. I'm telling you right now. You know what I mean?

It's like, like this show. Yeah. I'm not. I'm telling you right now. And I'm going to, I need to put this on, on, on, on this podcast. I have begged you not to talk about this. I know. I just need to say it once.

I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why I need to. Okay. Go ahead. The reason why I need to is because I want, you know, to look back and go, I told you. Yeah. I've been so, so I've, I've written my whole life, but I've never actually thought that I could maybe like transition into writing like in this format.

And I've always just been really down about myself because I'm like, I'm a fucking idea machine. I've written them out, Bobby and I talk about this stuff all day. And finally, over the pandemic, I was like, Oh, you know, what else do I have going? It's so exciting. Like I'm, it's honestly, like I look up to people, like people that just turn stuff out. I'm like, how do you do it?

Like honestly. And, but I like taking other people's material and fucking with it. So like that's kind of like what I like about it. So like sitting there and writing is like, I do it every day now, but it's fucking torture. I'm like, how many more vagina jokes can I attempt? I know, but that's what I like about you. You know, my vagina jokes. That's just your vagina.

It's just the way you talk about your body and the way you feel about yourself up there. And you're, there's, there's a sense of, I want to say this, but rebellion almost. Well, that's what it is. Cause I feel like I really live by the rules. I think it's to my detriment. Yeah. Like if I get a job, I'm so like, Oh my God, I can't post anything about weed. I can't.

And that's who I am. I've never really fully been publicly who I am. And that's why it's good for me to do like podcasts, you know, I'm finally doing my own fucking podcast. What's it called? Jaded. Oh yeah. Jaded.

And have you put some in the can yet? No, we haven't put any. Well, I put some in the can by myself, but we're going to do like full production. We decided to go film as well. We're doing it at the comedy store with Brian Moses. So we'll see. Yeah, it'll be good. Yeah.

The ones that I did by myself, I was like, okay, I want to buy it pretty quick. And then some I'm like, Oh, six minutes, I thought I was talking about my grandma for longer than that. Are you going to have guests? I'm going to eventually have guests. So the whole concept is like just like a pessimist looking for self-confidence, you know? Yeah. And so I'll have guests that are like delusionally confident.

That's like, that's the thing I want. Like that thing, that thing Hinchcliffe has and like that thing that like Delia had before it. It's little Lena Dunham and girls. Yeah. It's just that like delusional confidence. And I think overall, like that really gets you there. Yeah.

Like I honestly think it's like, I was talking to Bob, I was like, I have never really found that thing within me where like, if I'm done with a project, like I still feel super good about myself. And I'm like, but I still look at this life. I got this hot boyfriend, like I'm healthy, you know, my family's well and like, I don't have that. I have so much of my worth is attached to my career and it's such a bummer. Like that's the life goal for me to have.

You know, when I see you two together, I'll be honest with you. I think it to me in my head, I say to myself, in terms of because I've seen all the guys you've dated. Right. Yeah. And I'm very good friends with some of them, you know, but this fits for me. Oh, thanks. Don't you think?

So do you think that there's a future with this guy? Yeah. He's the first guy I've ever dated who's like kind and sweet and attentive to me and like. Yeah. Is he going to move from here from Texas? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He is. Yeah. We'll see. Yeah. Yeah. There's actually a house like down the street. That's like a releasing. What if I was in your.

I saw it. Yeah. It looks cool. That house looks cool. I just want to see inside of it. Like I want to see units. So you've been to this house before, right? Yeah.

I was in the other studio. Yeah. And the last time I was here, I announced the soup. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. And now I'm on here. Well, let me preface this by with this.

Okay. Always played by the rules. I went to like church camp once because I all the hot guys went and I was like, I'm in on this. Everybody drank the night before and a couple of people got really sick and I was scared till the next day when we had confessionals. I told everybody that everybody got in trouble and I was like, I thought that was the whole point.

Yeah. Play by the rules. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Then podcasts. I started a podcast with red band at the very beginning. It was doing really well.

And then I got Manhattan love story and they were like, maybe not. And I was like, okay, you're right. I shouldn't talk about weed. Like ABC owns me. Yeah. And then now with the soup, it ended and they were like, maybe don't mention it. But I think that for my own authenticity, I need to say it's in December, it was done. It's done December.

Right. And they called you. They called me. And when they called you, were you surprised? Yeah. Well, not surprised because we hadn't heard and I knew how difficult it was with the COVID and I don't know what's really going on with the network itself, you know, like so many change, I know a lot of people got fired, so I was like, oh, shit.

You can feel it when there's like a shift of your, your whole universe. Yeah. I kind of felt like as soon as they called me midday, like a bunch of them on the phone, I was like, either like I booked something or yeah, it's done. If you guys aren't in the end, you know, that you get this phone call, like, hey, hey, we got Mark on the phone. We got Jen. Yeah.

I had one last week. I had one of those where all of a sudden, all of a sudden that everybody needs to get on zoom right now, but that's good. I don't know. I don't know. So when they, everyone got on, so there's like 19 boxes, right of just, yeah, and I'm looking at every box to see what their reaction is and some of them are like, you know what I mean?

Some of them are, you know what I mean? So you don't know. Yeah. And the mid, the news was Luke warm kind of, but it's like so, but they're the worst calls to get. Worst call. Yeah. It was the worst cause you know, I put, it meant a lot to me to have a vehicle to finally

get to be free and like basically I wasn't, you know what I mean? It was so noted and it like, there was so much weight on it for me to be a certain way. And they like, I mean, I had to do like teleprompter classes when I had already been doing this for, you know, like they just wanted to like know that they could rely on it and it made me kind of a robot on it, you know, and like I was watching episodes the other day, I was like, I'm not really like my free self on it. And it's such a bummer that I didn't get to make it myself, you know, fight because you don't really, I can only imagine if I was on a show like that, right?

And if, if I was new on the show, right? You can't really fight for your own voice when you, they don't know what the numbers are. Oh, I'm trying to make him happy. Yeah. Second season, you know, I'm, I play the game and I'm going to do everything they tell me to do. And it was an awesome experience.

I mean, I learned so much, you know, but also I learned like, yeah, like maybe like go with your gut a little more. Yeah. But yeah, it's a bummer. It's done and it's, it's time for the next, the next chapter. But I was telling you earlier, Jade, I honestly, I just, I have to say that I'm not really that worried about it. Yeah.

Oh, thanks. That makes me feel good. Because it's like you look at like someone like Sarah Silverman, okay. And she just will always work. She will always, you know, have an audience. She has her voice and, you know, she's just a, it's just a nice lady, you know? No, she's the best. She's the best.

And I feel that same about you. It's like, I just, they feel like it's, you know, you're always going to work. You're not one of those like, because I know those, I've seen, I've met them. I've seen them. I've seen people like are around for like three years and you just know in your gut that they're just going to be gone. Is that weird? You're like, you're kind of on this path and people are like, huh?

And then they like kind of just like, you just pass them by, like they just drop out like flies, you know? Yeah. No, I'm ready. I'm ready for the next. Because of the, they can't handle the pain and suffering. Oh, it's so much pain. And it feels so good.

I know. But if there's, and it's like, I'm not saying that, you know, people in show business have it like harder than anybody else. I'm not saying that. And we chose it too, which is like, we're doing this. We chose to be in this insane thing and it's like, I was, I was with my therapist yesterday and I was like complaining about something and she's like, stop it because you chose to be here.

No one's forcing you to do this business. You're the, you're the one. You know what I mean? Why are you smiling? Well, it's because that's exactly what I've been saying to him for years, but I love that he's in therapy now. So she is basically just validating all the things I've said, like no one has a gun to your head.

Yeah. No one has a fucking gun. 100% your choice. So you either you take the good with the bad so hard to keep moving. Yeah. It's funny because I want to imagine like that she's on an earpiece to your therapist. Tell him that's our couple sessions. Honestly, when our couple sessions are my favorite because is that the same therapist?

Yeah. It's the same therapist. Don't you feel like he's biased because I feel like she knows all his tricks. All right. So it makes me feel confident that he, you know what I mean that he's up, she's, you know, she's caught on to all his bullshit, but I, every single time I'm always like, this is my face. I'll session.

I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just the whole time just feeling fucking like victorious. And it's because he hears her coming from me have been his partner for so long. Sometimes it just sounds like a nag, but he really hears her and he absorbs her and she's able to put it so much more eloquently and so much more like efficiently than me. And you're crushing Bob.

Like, look, your garage is a studio. You have a, you have a neon. That's, that's a sign. I got so defensive last week on our couples and she noted that yesterday. She's like, I've never seen you like that. I fucking felt like I was being teamed up again, you know, teamed up on. Is that the right word? I barely even talked last week.

I understand that. I just felt like I was up against a wall and I had to fight my way through this thing. Yeah. And it's like, I saw myself when I was doing it too. It's like, what are you doing? You know, this is insane. But and I know you're right. I, I'm doing well.

But you know, I had to get off Twitter. I think I have to get off social media because the algorithms change and it feels like I feel, you know what I feel like the unpopular person I've always felt like is, and is why I do this. You know what I mean? It's like an ongoing thing. Yeah. So I'll never get back on.

I mean, never get back on it. Boy, because it just, it just, it, it, um, I just don't like it. Just take the necessary breaks when you feel on edge. Just dip out. That's what I do. Take three weeks. Sometimes it's a week. Sometimes it's three months.

But whatever it is, don't like set these like hard, hard and fast rules for yourself. If you're not feeling good that day, delete it for a fucking day. Yeah. Come back and you feel better. Yeah. Cause I do, I feel this like sense of like, if I don't do it every day, I'm going to get behind, you know, or whatever. Like, and I've never really developed a fan base.

Like I don't really have like a hardcore, and I think the podcast will help to be like talking to people and connecting like, but yeah, but you have people that like are with you. But that should feel so good. You've been programmed to, to like, you know, be in this, um, headspace of always needing to self promote. And I think that that in itself is a fucking toxic game because I'm not even doing shows. You know what I mean?

And also, what am I promoting? My life? Yeah. There's no fun to be had. Like if it starts to feel like this obligatory, like daily thing, you have to push out content, I'm like, what kind of fucking world is this man? It's true. It's like, yeah, there's no authenticity to that.

It's like, that's, you know, I'll forever post once every two months and I'm fine with that. Yeah. And I, yeah. And I, you know, it's like, and you see, it's so funny because you see other people, obviously, and you're like, they got it. They got it all fucking figured out. They're like really comfortable in their own skin.

And then you talk to them. And of course it's like hemorrhoids. You find out everybody has. Yeah. You talk about it. Like, do you know that he doesn't have hemorrhoids? It's weird. Cause I feel like you'd push for a long time.

Yeah. You never have a hemorrhoid. Oh, it's so rough. It's like a little, um, um, a berry. It's like a little berry. It's like a little. No. Berry free, baby.

Berry free. Yeah, yeah. You might have internal ones. I had an internal one once. It was rough. I had to get shots and then I found out the shots were just like olive oil. Yeah. 400 bucks.

Super lubricated. And then you have to fucking juice and then it comes out and drips out of your butt. It's horrible. It's horrible. I just, I see your ass over a pan cooking with it. Yeah. I've never had a hemorrhoid. I had one on a tear because, you know, I poop hard.

Yeah. But there's back to Twitter. Um, there are certain guys, when I did that sketch with Vince like for six months ago, I did a sketch with Vince Vaughn. Yeah. And he goes, um, I go, you want to do a sketch? No, I go, sketch. No.

I know. And I go, let me follow you on Twitter. He goes, I don't have Twitter. And then I realized that he doesn't have one. Zach Raffer and Anakas doesn't have like a social media. You know what I mean? They're, they're way bigger stars and whatnot, but they never had it. Didn't know they had it.

No. Really? I thought I probably their reps. Yeah. Like maybe their comp. And then like, I remember the other day, remember I posted that thing that cause Sasha Baron Cohen direct message me and he said, I think he did everyone. I know he did to everyone.

And then he also, but he direct message me and he goes, can you post this ban Donald Trump from YouTube? You know what I mean? And I thought, oh, he's asking me directly. Do I posted it? Right? And then like a week later, he sends me another message. Hey, I'm Kyle.

I'm Sasha's assistant. Can you post another thing for me? And I go, I was so angry. You know what I mean? Kyle? Yeah. Yeah. So I realized that it's like not even him.

Yeah. You know what I mean? But it's mostly not like when I got the message from Cam, somebody else was running my social media and told me about it. And that was a dream when they paid for social media. Oh baby. Wait, wait. So somebody handles your account.

They used to. When the show was on. In the very beginning. Wow. Wow. Wow. And they scrubbed. My entire social media was so scrubbed.

Like I was looking for like old funny commercials the other day just to put, like to have them, you know, in a hard drive and like everything has been scrubbed. Like if it wasn't super professional or like in the past couple of years, it's like, it's fine. Ew. Yeah. It's weird. I mean, it's, it kind of made me feel like calmer because I was like, you know, I probably

said a couple of like really inappropriate things, but I love you for you. I know I really lost myself. I really did. I really did. I lost myself last year in it. I really did. Cause I thought I was like investing in something that ultimately would allow me to like have freedom.

Yeah. But in doing that, I, I did kind of lose myself and it's funny because they hired you for being exactly. For being me. Yeah. Yeah. I remember like the audition. I did my hair slicked, like really slick, like very ducky.

And can I say that? The D word. So okay. And, um, and they were like, we love everything, but like, you're not ever doing that hair. You know, and it started with little things, you know. Yeah. And you don't notice. You're like, whatever.

I'll change my hair. Yeah. You know, and then you slowly kind of, yeah, this business is fucked. Yeah. But I love it. I don't let anyone touch my shit. Anyway, um, I always think of that. We have an unhelpful advice.

I just want to say though, just before we do go into the unhelpful, it was a pleasure seeing you. Oh, I miss you guys. It was a fun, it was a present for me. Oh, do the present. Can you give it to me, George? Okay. Wait, this is for all of you guys.

What is it? I made some crock charms for you guys. Oh, yeah. Crock charms. Okay. So I have a little egg for, for George because he used to give me chicken eggs. I think it's an egg shape. Yeah.

There. Well, let me let's figure out who's what. Oh yeah. You see if you can guess. Yeah. So that's fun. The egg one's yours. Grab yours out.

Grab yours. Yeah. Cause we know the egg one. By the way, I super, they're hot glued. So I don't know how long they'll last. But I like, I honestly, I thought charms crocs were gross and then I put them on. And I was like, why hasn't anybody told me all terrain, hiking, where I'm going to give birth.

Yeah. You need to. Crocs. So you made these. I just put the backs on them. You know, I just got the charms online and put the little black backs on them. I'm crafty. That's something people don't know about me.

I want to say that they're mostly for Lila donuts for me. Yeah. This is riveting. I know. I'm sorry. I've been really excited to give you guys Bobby. This is his favorite thing. Knickknacks.

I love knickknacks too. I love little cartoon things. That one's Gilbert's because his head's so big. It's also floaty. Yeah. Thank you so much. It's a head floaty. I love that.

Thank you. Yeah. Kaleila's are kind of more obvious, but he's just taking what he likes. Yeah. You can take the rest or whatever you guys. Oh yes. Yeah. The mermaid's hers.

We can have all of them. Yeah. They're all Uber. Huh? I know. I've been dying to get out. We took a boat trip and we went diving for scallops and he was cracking the scallops when we were eating them fresh.

I love that. I had no idea they tasted this sweet. In the water, fresh scallops. I had never had it. I never seen anyone spear fish. What's on her whole body. Hey guys. Hey y'all.

Uh-huh. We got some big papayas for y'all. What's up? Hey Johnny, tell them about the big papaya. I will, Gilbert. Let me tell you something about the big papayas, man. We wouldn't have a show without them, man, because we love our fans and we love the papayas out there.

You know, they have interesting names and they're from all over the world and I'm going to say some of them right now. I don't know if I can, because they're foreigners, man, so I'm going to see if I can pronounce them correctly. Okay. So, here we go. We've got a Jordan. Oh, love it.

Judy Tan. Judy Tan. Damn it. I read it wrong. Cactus K's here. Cactus K's. Judy Tan. Is that what it is?

Uh-huh. We got Judy Tan. We got Raiko. Raiko Saladavar. Rico Saladavar. Is that how you say it? Oh, cactus K. Rico Saladavar.

Saladavar. Wow, man. Um, we got, let me see, Kylie Snuff. Kyle Snuffer. Kyle Snuffer. Congratulations. We got Bon BH, Bon, Bon, Bon, Bon, Johnson. I know Johnson.

No. I know Johnson. He's our president. Yeah. Johnson's our president. Yeah. Yeah. Rachel Wilkins.

I know her. She's my cousin. We got Melvin Flores. Flores. Flores. Rebecca Torres. Oh, I know her. Yeah.

I know that. Oh, we got somebody from, uh, the Middle East. Who is this? Hafiz. From Singapore. Not the Middle East. That is the Middle East. I swear to God, it's the Middle East, man.

Southeast Asia. We had three wars with them. Desert Storm in Singapore. Hafiz from Singapore. Hafiz from Singapore. Oh, Hafiz from Singapore. My bad. We got Jane, Jane, Che, Che, Che, Cortez.

Hi, man. Che, Cortez. I was close. Yeah. Aaron Wasterström. Aaron Wasterström. Wasterström. Oh, yeah.

Aaron Wasterström. Wasterström. He's just take the strong, strong out. Just Wasterström. Waster is easier. And we got Nile Red. Red. I know Red well.

Anyway. Hee! Hee! Hee! Those are the big papayas from... Shut the fuck up, man. Who told you to fucking talk, young man? Who the fuck told you to talk, young man?

Sorry, cowboy. I'm... Anyway. Those are big papayas for the month of February. February. Is that where we're at now? Yeah. February.

Rest in peace, Rush Limbo. Yep. It probes done. Enjoy the rest of the show. All hopeful advice with Jade Kanapretta. Mmm. I'm two and a half years into nursing school with only one semester left, but I'm really unhappy. Sometimes when I'm driving to the hospital, I consider crashing my car.

Oh, my gosh. Baby girl, I hear you. Yeah, I think about going off a bridge sometimes. Yeah. Not to kill myself, but to have a reason not to go to work. Oh, God, I know this person. I know that feeling. It's me.

Did I write this? I can't deal with the pressure of having people's lives in my hands. The possibility of making a mistake that could hurt someone. That's how comedy feels. The majority of nurses I work with are also bullies. Everyone is under intense pressure with very little reward, so I understand. But should I stick it out and hope it gets better? Or should I leave before it's too late?

My name is E. Wait. Wait. One month left? Yeah. One semester. So probably like three months? One year.

Stick it out. You'll have the degree. You think out now? Out now. Before getting so close to it. You're so close. I mean, look. Have it.

Get it. Then you can do whatever you want. My mother had to get on her fucking hands and knees to beg me to go to my nursing graduation because I had already checked out. I was like, this is, I'm not going to use this. I'm not going to just, I already been hired. I already got a job and I was like, piece of fuck out. It's just that I know what you're feeling.

I know that dread. I know that feeling of wanting to crash the fucking car. There was one time where I saw my cat, Ming and Tolstoy snuggled up behind me before one of my final clinical rotations and I thought, I'm going to blow up my entire life and I'm just not going to show up today. And I didn't show up. Wow. And I think you're doing great.

I remember you sending me, when we first started dating, you sending me, you were in the white. Scrubs. Scrubs, right? Yeah. And you sent me a photo that you were doing, you did this. That was a photo. And my scrubs. And your scrubs.

You did this, right? Based on your face. Right? Death? Death? No, because she was smiling. But based in this. Exactly.

That's exactly what it was. Exactly how I loved it. Yeah, yeah. And I thought, she's out. I'm out. And he was so nice about it. He was like, what else do you like to do? But that's so close.

I mean, look, I fit. But you're, you know, Jade, you are right. Because at the end of the day, I did finish and I did get my degree and I will always have that as a backup plan. I think you're never going to do it. You're never going to do it. But you know what? There's something about it that gives you this like, I don't know, fallback.

Yeah. But you know, you've been in nursing school long enough to know that there are many administrative jobs where you don't have to care for people. Yeah. You can still make a living. You could be a fucking nurse injector and do Botox and fillers in LA and never have to work bedside. There's so many avenues.

I've seen doctors exist. Yeah. And you can just be a case manager on the phone. There's so many things. You could work your way up administrative. Okay. So maybe a break is worth figuring, like taking a few weeks off and kind of trying to figure out if there's other things that really like, you know, float your boat.

Yeah. And then when you take that oath at the very end, when you graduate and you say, you know, you take that oath, you might only half ass mean it because you don't actually want to care for people. It seems you have to take an oath. Yeah. You have to do the oath. You have to.

We're like, I promise not to kill people. Yeah. It's do no harm. You know. Wow. God, there's so many more serious jobs than what we chose. How did we? You know what I mean?

Like, yeah. Well, we chose it because it was just something that we love to do. I think we chose it because it's for us. It's how we serve. But it's not just that. Just going when I did those the first very first time I ever did stand up was at a coffee shop called Thomas Payne Coffee Shop in San Diego. Yeah.

We met that bald guy. Remember? Yeah. What was his name? Jonathan. Yeah. Remember, he came to the San Diego show. He had like a little cap.

He was like, I gave Bobby his first opportunity. Oh, I don't remember. It was like a rock place, like a band place. Yeah. Anyway. I just wanted to get that really important. Really important. But I remember like going up there was bombing, but I remember the adrenaline rush of it.

And I just remember going, whatever that is, that feeling, I think that that is what's fun and invigorating. And I that's what I'm going to be doing and CE, if you're not feeling that like you're maybe not you're not going to be able to provide for the people in the correct way. Yeah. And I think that even for me, it was like, I hate it now. Can I really do this for the next 50 years of my life? And look, it's a very, very honorable job.

My entire family are nurses. I love them to death. They too want to fucking kill themselves some days, you know, and it's just, I was, thank God I had seen their, their sort of path into nursing. And I had that as reference to be like, you know what, that is just not for me. I might have been good at it. It's just not for my joy. If I wanted to be, I want to see if I could be a nurse.

Now, let me ask you some questions. Okay. I'm being real. My penis is a six out of 10. No. Do I have to lift anything? A lot, a lot, especially when you're first doing like your first clinical routine. Did you say lift?

Like pick up like hard, like big boxes. No, it's not. You have to turn people. So, okay. So most hospitals have a lift team. You know, they have a lift team. So, when people aren't no longer, so you don't get, you know, so people who aren't able to make their bedridden and stuff, like, so they don't get bed sourced, you have to

constantly be moving them or else they'll get cleaning the wrinkles and stuff. And if I'm moving somebody, right? And let's say some guys laying on his back, right? And I'm moving them, right? And I had to move them this like up. Yeah. Could I get like some sort of moisture on my, it's a whole lot of that one time so much one time.

I had to, the most disgusting smell I ever smelled, even fucking worse than C. diff. C. diff isn't just a hospital acquired sort of infection and you pull out really smelly stuff. But even worse than that is I had to clean out the, someone's penis tip. I'm just gonna, the in between of someone's fat rolls. And that had just like, she was just so unaware that they had what was in there already. And it was not a good day for me. Right.

But you do it, you do your job, you fucking smile on your face, you can't, you have to be so professional. But you go home and you're like, the smell just stays deep in your nasal passages and in your psyche. You're like, I can't get that out. Isn't that how Ralphie Mae used to sneak drugs on planes? Did he? Yeah.

I think he told me, yeah, like he would like travel with it in the foul. Yeah. I, all I know about Ralphie Mae is I shared a hotel with them once and they gave us one hotel room and we, it was like a twin bed, right? And he goes, not that twin bed, like a full bed, a full bed. Yeah. And he goes, Hey man, we can sleep on this together. Already when I saw the bed, I was like, I don't know.

And when he laid down, he was like a melting candle. It's like the terminator just melts. But here's the thing about the roles and stuff like that. As a nurse though, if I was doing it, I would think, you know, I'm helping another human being. That's exactly what I thought. And this is service. Of course.

And I think that if you have that in your mind, in your heart, then you can do it. And I think that you can find joy in it. It's not about goodwill. Okay. For me, it wasn't about, do I want to help people or do I not? Of course I do. I feel good in those moments when, when you're, when you're aiding somebody, it always feels good.

There's an intrinsic reward there. It's just, there's so much more to it than just that. It is oftentimes a very thankless job. Oh yeah. It's, you need to be very, your, your mental health really takes a hit many, many times. I'm not somebody who can go home and wash the day off of me. I'm somebody who carries things with me and it just emotionally, I could not do it long term.

Is it because of the death? And on top of that, I could barely put gloves on each time and I was having a meltdown because my hands were so fucking sweaty. I was like, I, the most of the responsibility, the responsibility it was weighing is weighing on her. It sounds like, Could let me ask you some, okay, so I'm, I'm thinking about being a nurse. Okay.

So all right. So, um, if I work overtime, right? Do I get extra money? Yes. Of course. All right. So if I, could I ask, Do you know what a nurse shift is?

How long they are and how long you're going to be? How many hours? No, it's 12. It's three days. Of 12 hours a day. Uh-huh. And you know, Can I go, can I say to my supervisor, I want to pull a five day.

You can. Yeah. You can take extra days and you can make more money. You can, but do you know what that even feels like? What one 12 hour a day feels like if you were a bedside nurse, say for instance, that, that's what you choose. Yeah. You get maybe a total the whole day, 45 minutes break.

You are on your feet. You're moving around. And now during COVID, you could probably had, instead of like for, for patients, you probably have like six or seven. That is seriously the most exhausting job. Can you imagine you walk out for a second? You come back and they're dead. Why?

Like, but just think about the amount, the amount of like, like the amount of pressure on your show. You know what I mean? It's like we eat shit. Like, okay. They don't, they can get their money back. You know what I mean? This person is dead.

Yeah. And you see someone like coding and then it's your patient. And then you have this fucking. What is coding? It's when they, when they're basically, yeah, I'm like, are they like, it's their heart stops. And then now you, you call the crash cart. They call code blue and now everyone has to come in and do compressions and do them.

Okay. If it's my, I'm a nurse, right? Yeah. Right. I go, oh my, are you see coding? Right. I think he's coding. Right.

I call everybody coding, code red, whatever you know, because you hit a button and it hit a button. Right, everyone runs, runs in, can I then just back up? You can because oftentimes there's a, that's what I would do. But if you're that person who's a nurse, you better not fucking back up. Can you imagine if Bobby Lee walked in as your nurse, I'd be like, I would flip my own wrist. Fuck you.

Fuck you. I'm the best. Just pull the vent out. Yeah. No. No. Do you guys, you guys make me so mad right now. I'd be the best.

If you brush your hair. So people are rushing in. Yeah. Right. I'm not disappearing. Yeah. It was, it's that meme when like, uh, Homer Simpson.

Oh, it's in the bush. Yeah, it was in the bush. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So, all right. So coding, right? People are rushing in, right? What, so my instinct would be to, my first instinct, you know what I would do? The first thing I would do? I would tap the screen. To make sure it's not broken.

Just to make sure everything's working correctly. Kalala, can you act as a doctor? Because what if you tap it, right? And he goes, boop. Boop. Yeah. It's the machine. It was a machine that was like.

Yeah. Everyone go back. I'd be like, what's your password? That's the first thing I would do. What's your password? What's your password? What's your password? What's your password?

Lady Bird, what? Lady Bird, what? Lady Bird. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So the machine, I would take the machine.

I go, okay, it's working. Everything's working. So the second thing I would do is I would probably look around to see what everyone else was doing. It happened so quickly. Oh, no, you're doing it. I can look around quickly. Already is a fucking lawsuit.

They're dead. Yeah, they're dead. No, no. This is how it works. Yeah. This is how it's going to go. This is real time right here, baby. This is real time right here, right?

Look around. He's dead. What? I know. Okay. Jose is doing that, right? Emmanuel is doing that, right? What?

Sabrina is doing that. You know what? You know what? Vladimir. Vladimir is doing that, right? Yeah. Yeah. Diverse.

Of all, when you hear the machine, right, you don't stop to think that maybe you should look at your patient? No, just tap, tap, tap. You already know what the situation is. Bob, do you know that when you give, correct me if I'm wrong, but when you give CPR, sometimes it breaks their chest cavity. Think about it. What?

Yeah, it breaks their chest cavity. An 85 year old woman who is coding, a frail 85 year old woman, you are gonna cause some shit. If you are going, that's why it's like DNR, you know, some people choose to not be resuscitated and that's a choice you have to make. What about the needle? Can I use the needle they used in Pulp Fiction? No, that's allergies.

Oh. Like the, oh, the adrenaline. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do they have those? They can. Yeah.

Do you know that? I put a red marker. My dad. He had like a little missing flap in between his nose and it's, so he chokes a lot. Like we were at the movie theater and he started choking. And so we all had to learn how to like, you know, and it's great. When it happens, you have like, I lifted him. Like you have like crazy strength.

Like, you know, you just never know in the moment how you're going to watch me do I'm like on my mom too. Cause he was choking. It's so scary. It's like scarred me. Yeah. It's scarred me. It's scarred me because it's my mom.

Are you doing? Are you doing? Yeah. I'm like, that's so funny. I make my mom, every time she eats rice now, I make her add soup to it. No dry. No popcorn even. Popcorn.

No grapes. Off the fucking menu. Off. It's so crazy. Yeah. And it happens. It used to happen all the time. So he'd get like.

We both are like, what is that? Sorry. He just broke his own glute. Oh no, you're glooping. I remember the first time we were on the road, he's like, we got to stop at CVS. It was like one in the morning. We got to stop at CVS. And I go, why?

Well, one, you had to buy every single toilet treat because you didn't pack any of your toilet treats. You're like, get whatever you want, sweetheart. David Tell. You're like, get whatever you want. Get whatever you want. Oh, I do that. I'm like, combine perfume at CVS, I guess.

I used to buy the Essie. Every time he would take me down those late nights, I'd be like, oop, got six new colors. Colors is a good one. Yeah. No. And I remember I was like, why does he get the glue? And it was in Schomburg. So who's the manager?

She's really great. Fuck, I forgot her name. Stephanie. Stephanie. She's like, don't ask me. It's just some weird stuff he does. And I was like, what does he do? I also get massagers.

I used to get massagers. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For my dick. What?

Yeah. I used to. At CVS. Yeah. I would always go like, it was so weird. Like I go, you have massagers. You're in the arthritis. You know what I mean?

For my dick. Yeah. Yeah. The arthritis section, right? And I would look through it and I get the one with the like the ball, right? That's in the head. And I used to, I don't want to talk about it. It's too late, Bob.

And we're all into the story. Yeah. Yeah. We got to come. And it was because women could use those vibrators, but it works for men as well. Anyway, welcome. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much for coming.

How does the story end? Anyway, that's it. Thank you for so much for coming. Thanks for listening to another episode of the Tiger Valley. Give Jay Catterford a round of applause, please. Yay. Wait, I have shows. I have shows.

I'm going to be in Houston on the 26th through the 28th. One of my favorite clubs. If the world is not over then. So yeah, you know, get vaccinated, wear four masks and come see me. And check out Jaded at the comedy store starting next week. Yeah. And please come back. Yeah.

I love you guys. Thanks for having me. Bye. Hello, Slep Kingdom. Hope you guys enjoyed that. I believe it was Jade's third time. Yeah, I think third time twice in this house once in the old one. We are starting an email update of all things happening in Papaya land in the Slep Kingdom.

If you want to email notifying when our next merch run with the exclusive Tiger Valley playing cards and then your shirt designs, you can be the first to know by signing up at www.podcap.io. Link below in the description. George. Hey, get your question on Tiger Valley by emailing us at adviceunhelpful at gmail.com. We're doing video questions as well for the brave. They don't all have to be, as you can see today, but we'll probably be prioritizing. That's what they do to get the video question selected, Gilbert.

All you guys have to do is just send them to adviceunhelpful at gmail.com. And in the subject, just put video submission to boost your chances to win a million dollars. No, I'm just kidding. If you guys have not seen yet the suit competition video and want to catch up on all the scene competition and see the future videos. Exciting conclusion coming soon. Conclusion is coming soon. Those are going to be in the pipeline.

Or at least Steve Parte wants to come out. Soon, actually, yeah. Come out Saturday. Nice. There you go. They didn't know. So I have to go to wear George. Patreon.com slash Tiger Belly.

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