TigerBelly - Ep 286: Bert Kreischer Fights 5 Gracies

Episode Date: March 3, 2021

Bert can't stop talking about Japan. Khalyla was shrimp and crackers poor. We talk fly boy cannibals, Ken Jeong's Japanese parents, ruining your career on Rogan, and the Mencia interview.If you want an email notifying you when our next merch run with the exclusive TigerBelly playing cards and new t-shirt designs, you can sign up at https://www.podcap.io/bellyPlease support our sponsors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. He body slammed them too, I forgot that story. He body slammed them, yeah? And I picked up a fight with him at a Korean bar. Who hasn't body slammed mommy? Well, that's a great topic, write that down. Write it down. Because I feel like if I was smaller, I'd be body slammed a lot.

Welcome to another episode of Tiger Belly. Don't talk, don't talk, don't talk, don't talk. I want to introduce you, I want to do a good introduction. My name is Bobby Lee. Listen, I've got a little bit of cosmetic surgery. And I look like a bloated white American. But it's great to be here in the most safe environment I've ever been. This is fucking my co-host, my beautiful girlfriend.

I'm so happy you're now a bloated white man. Have you ever dated a bloated white guy? I've dated bloaties on my whole life. Oh, you're dating a bloatie. Maybe bloats your thing. Can we, when you order dinner to just put more salt on everything, and you're like, I'm a little fluffy. Yeah, I like him high sodium, high blood pressure.

Thank you for having me to co-host. Well, thank you for doing this. I don't know how to lead, so this is why you're here. Oh, I only know how to lead. And that's why I am a, by the way, I only know how to talk. I'm a great host that's a better guest. Like I can talk, I've done podcasts with people that have not spoken at all.

I remember one time I had this guy, Justin Renon, and they were like, hey man, you had an MMA fighter who's a legend, who's doing work in the Congo, and he didn't speak once. And I went, for real? And then I listened to it and I was like, oh, he really didn't speak. He like, he didn't, like, I didn't let him finish a sentence.

He has so much to say. And I cut him off everywhere. But there are those types. It's like, look, you're coming into a podcast dojo, a podcast dojo. Yeah. Don't come in there unless you know how to interject. And if it all fails, know how to interrupt

because you are not going to get a fucking word in. Like that's just the rules of the game. The same could be said. The exact opposite for Carlos Mincia. He should have spoke less. If he had talked half as much, I think it would have been better for him. It was amazing.

What's your review? Fucking podcast. It was an amazing. Okay. Okay, I have a bunch of notes about that. Because, because we did a podcast where Bobby and I shared our similarities with working with guys that, um, Ari Shafir hit me up and was like, amen,

the podcast you guys did. Remember when you guys didn't have ice? Right. And I had to use blueberries and my, we were shamed for years about that. Um, we finally have an ice maker, by the way. I do. In my new house, I have three.

I am so obsessed with fucking ice. Are you anemic? No, I, I got to a point. Todd Glass was the one that turned me on to this. Everyone's going like, please go back to the car. Please. We will. We'll get there guys.

This is, this is, I'm hosting. We're long leading you. Um, I, uh, I got to a place where two people said this to me. Todd Glass said, why wouldn't you do things just a little bit nicer? Why wouldn't you take a little extra step to make it a little bit nicer for yourself? And I remember him saying that and I thought,

I really like a nice ice cold glass of water. I do. I really do. Like a nice cold glass of water. But there's certain ice I like and I don't like every ice. Like, I don't know. This is. Can I guess?

Please. It's got to crumble a little bit. It's got to crumble in your teeth when you want to chew it a little bit. It can't be fully glassed out. Yes. And what, what I'm used to in white America and I speak from my place of privilege was this horseshoe half moon cube that

every white kid grew up on. This every fucking GE made this one type of ice and I hated it. I hated it my whole life. I would say to myself, I rather not drink water because I don't like that ice. Yeah. And then Todd Glass was like, you can just get really nice ice.

And I was like, wow. And then Tom Zagura said this to me. Him and his wife had just bought their new house, right? Like a new house. They had, first time they had any money, right? And he was like, you know, we were sitting in bed and my iPhone plugged into the wall 30 feet away from us and I had to go over and get it.

And my wife said, we have money. We can have, we can afford more than one iPhone. And there's such a big difference. And I'm sure you guys can attest to this is that once you have a little, I'm saying sometimes you can make money and then you just buy a nicer, like a nicer car, but you don't do little things. You're still pouring like having two chargers in your house. I don't have a car.

Okay. Well, that's true. I'm afraid of that life. I'm afraid of losing touch. So I will put a weight belt on and I will clean the leaves from the bottom of my pool. I'm my own pool girl. Like I'm so afraid of not being able to be thrown back into the

wild in case I go dirt poor again and not being able to take care of myself. Describe dirt poor to me. But by the way, I'm going to say this. By not having a car, you are subtracting so much negative energy in your life. The majority of negative energy in this world comes by getting in a car.

The second you get in a car, you invite craziness all over you. Bill Burr said one time, it's like, he goes, flying safe as fuck, driving on the 405, you're in formation with a bunch of lunatics. That's true. Yeah. So the poorest you've ever been having to steal blocks of cheese from Albertsons.

Okay. You can stop right now. Eating shrimp crackers for straight three weeks because that's just, I was not even on. I was not even on a college stipend. Only my sister was. And so yeah, shrimp crackers for three weeks poor. Ramen every day.

Ramen I could. Um, blocks of cheese, government cheese stolen from Albertsons in Las Vegas. So wait, let's do it. Let's do a little bit of deep time since I'm the host today. Yeah. Wait, cause I know a little bit about you, but then I will share something and someone goes, oh, you don't know her at all.

Yeah. So you're Filipino, correct? Yeah. I grew up very rich. Okay. But she stole cheese. Hold on. Let's have a super red bull and start digging into this.

Because first of all, I am, I never knew anything about the Filipino people at all. I knew two things. I knew two facts. Every Filipino I ever met had the most American name. It doesn't work with you, but every Filipino has the most American name. Yeah.

Most Spanish last name, most American first name. Yes. And, uh, and that's it. Oh, and they can dance. That's it. But I, I'm only assuming all the Jabberwockies are Filipino. It's a mix. Yeah.

I'm assuming all of them are because Joe Coy knows them. Yeah. That's it. That's it. Yeah. Because Joe Coy knows them. I go, they're all Filipino. So I mean, that's a safe, very safe assumption.

Anytime he's with someone I don't know in a video, I assume that's an unmasked Jabberwockie. Okay. So you grew up in the Philippines very rich. Yes. White dad. Yeah. He was another who came from a lot of money, not just new, he

was an old money guy. Like he was the guy who could, you know, try to have 10 different things in his life. He came from a very rich, like hotelier family. I don't know what that part is. Like, um, they owned like a hotel in Geneva. I'm a fucking idiot. Like a semolina, hotelier.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm a beerier. Yes. Exactly that. So my dad, um, he had cargo ships. We transported beer.

Um, it was, we had a very, very charmed upbringing. We had a maids quarter that's so fucked up to say. In the Philippines or in America? In the Philippines. In the Philippines. Dad military? No. No.

Just, just like old school dole pineapple rich. He was like a linguist for the government. Um, he spoke eight languages. He was like a modern day James Bond, like a rich James Bond. Tall. Fit six, four. Uh, blonde hair. Uh, brown, very tan skin, tan skin white jawline.

I bet. Really good job. They all had good job. Very prominent nose. That's how I got the B keys. Really? Yeah. So, um, he went to the Philippines and, um, and this is what year I'm guessing.

Let me guess. I'm going to guess he went to, he went to the Philippines in 1961. No. Uh, late 70s. Early 80s. Oh wow. Okay. And so.

Is your dad still alive? My dad, no, my dad was born in 1924. He's another thing. He was really, really, really old guy. Okay. I'm trying to figure this out. Yeah. Really old guy.

1924. He, I think he might, I don't know, but I have to look at his discharge papers. So he didn't go to the Philippines as military, but he was at one point associated with the government in a different capacity. He was a linguist. He worked for like the, you know, I think it was at OSS at that time. Mormon? Not Mormon.

Uh, atheist. Oh, interesting. Yeah. He was a very, uh, interesting man, very progressive, like for that time. Yeah. My mom was his third marriage. He was, you know, he lived it up. So we grew up very, very rich.

He lost all his money. Invest. He was a gambler. He invested. He took all his money. Any white man that moves to the Philippines is a gambler. He's a gambler. I consider moving.

Anyone moving out of Florida is a gambler, but keep so he, he, he lost all his money. Yeah. He did. He did some Enron shit. He got a tip off in like Mexico in the eighties transferred all of his money. And it, he made a lot of money. And then the Mexican Peso crashed soon after. So it was like this mat, like this inflation, and then he lost all of his money.

So then he had to come back to America and try to figure out a life for us. And then when we came here, we ended up in a one bedroom, a cockroach infested apartment. And my only joy was a KFC down the street in LA. And I still thought America was the greatest. Having had that life in the Philippines with an international school, so much privilege, but then coming here and living in a one bedroom apartment, I thought I was living the fucking dream. And you were in LA? It was, yeah, Pasadena.

Pasadena? Yeah. Interesting. And your mom's Filipino, right? Yeah. Still alive? Still very young muscle woman. Really?

Yeah. Oh, okay. So, so then, so your sisters, you said? I have, yeah, two sisters. Two sisters? Are they hot too? Yes. I just wanted to say, I think my sister is, I hate to say this because she's not Native

American, but she looks like a real life, like six foot Pocahontas. Oh, like that. Wouldn't you say go? Yeah, she's very athletic. See, I wish I had dated more women of color when I was young. What was the reason why? I just think they're less than me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's how we mostly, you know what? I'm kidding. Funny you say that, like most, most older men that go for Filipino women, that's the reason they date them is they think they're less than. Oh, that's interesting. It's interesting. They fetishize the power and even power dynamics. I don't consider Cuban or Puerto Rican.

Like it's funny, people always go, I don't see color. That's really racist to say now. It's like, I don't see color. Cause you shouldn't see color. You should see everyone struggle is different. Ooh, I want to, will you write down Japanese people? Yeah. Right, but I used to joke with Jesus,

is I don't see Mexican. Like I don't, I just don't see Mexican in that. I'll say things to Jesus that are semi offensive about Mexicans to Jesus Trejo and he'll be like, you know in Mexican and I'm like, oh, fuck, I don't see color, but I see, you know, anyway, anyway, my point is I never, I'd only really dated, I dated Cuban chicks growing up, Puerto Rican chicks

growing up, but I didn't consider that. That was all we, that was all you grew up around in Tampa. Yeah. Puerto Rican white. I hooked up with a black chick once in after college in New York and, but I never really dated, never really dated any Asian chicks, Native American. I'm really regret.

If my wife dies young, maybe I'll go for like. I will not, Leanne, Leanne, stay strong. They'll lie forever. It'll be a surprise, but I'll be caught off guard. People will be like, oh my God, he's so strong. Look at him. He's bouncing back. Live your life, Bert.

You go, King. And so he didn't get Native American. Jesus Christ. It's like his, it's like his dicks in the UN. He's going through everyone. Indian chicks, Indian chicks. Oh, Indian. Or I find so attractive.

Like, and I never, I never really knew any Indian people growing up in Florida was very, not very diverse at all. I know that's crazy to say to anyone listening today, you go seriously, like we had one Asian kid that I knew at all, Samuel Ho and his sister, Ronda Ho.

There's only Asian people, any Asian at all. I mean, at all. I knew one Jewish kid in high school. I knew a bunch growing up though, but one Jewish kid was in my high school. And then everyone was like Cuban, Puerto Rican, white. One black kid in my high school, Kari Brown, well too,

Andre Kerwin if he's listening, he was a year younger. Shout out. But I was the opposite. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't hang out with whites until I was in college. Really? So the high school that I went to, Blair High School was 50% Latino

and 50% black. Like my sister and I were like one of 10 Asian kids and maybe they were at most like eight white kids. Really? So I felt like I was the first Rachel Dolezal. Like I know I came here Asian, but I was fully Mexican in high school. You sound Mexican a little bit.

I speak Spanish. But oh, yeah, okay. Maybe that's why. That's how Mexican I became. Oh my God. I'm obsessed. If I told my wife I was about to have this conversation, she would say, stop right where you are.

Do not bring this up for the hundredth time. I'm obsessed with this premise. It's a premise. So I'm working it on, trying to figure it out. So you know who Hilaria Baldwin is? Yeah, of course. Okay, so I'm obsessed with the, I can't vocalize it enough.

I haven't figured out the proper verbiage to get you to understand the idea I'm trying to say. Let's process it together. Okay. So, my wife has grew up with a very, very strong Southern accent. But when she, now she has a Southern accent. You hear it.

But when she's home, everyone's like, you lost your accent. But clearly anyone out here hears it. But in her family's accent is so strong that they don't hear it. What's interesting to me is we can all agree that there is such a thing as losing an accent. Like people lose their accents all the time.

However, the loss of an accent is simply, can also be viewed as the acquiring of another accent. And if you, so if I, if I speak like this and then all of a sudden I go to LA and I talk like this, all my friends at home go, you don't sound like, like you used to, they go, you lost an accent. But in essence, I listened to what other people sounded like,

thought I sounded weird and I started changing my accent to assimilate to that group. I think that's what Madonna did, is she sounded like Madonna, goes to Europe and then, but we're so, and this is where I lose people. In America, we're so egocentric that we think, we believe we don't have accents. Like people will go, I remember I did joke about it.

I went up stage on Scotland and I said, I wouldn't even be joking. I was like, I'm from the greatest American, greatest country in the world. They're like, boo, and I go, oh yeah, prove that. Let me prove it to you. How come I don't speak with an accent? And they lost their fucking minds.

They're like, you sound different to us. Well, that's exactly the conversation I had with this young kid on our Patreon. I was like, yeah, you know, like he's from Boston, he obviously has a very like, obvious Boston accent. And I was like, oh, what do you think about the California accent? And he was like, California's don't have an accent.

And Bobby's like, yeah, they don't. And I'm like, well, look, I'm from a different country. That's my point, that's the thing I'm trying to get to. And it's like, the idea that you would assume someone does not have an accent is, is, is, and this is where I get too passionate about it, is then, is self-centric, is ego-centric in that America, it's a problem with our country,

is that we believe we don't have an accent. I don't speak with an accent. When there are people in England who are going, yeah, I don't think I have an accent either. But that's because I'm around it. But it's so, and so when it comes to Hilaria Baldwin, and this is a bit I will never figure out, but when it comes to Hilaria Baldwin,

I said to Segura, I go, does your mom have an accent when she goes home? And he was like, no, she sounds like she's talking in the 1970s because she hasn't been there forever. So she, her, but I go, isn't it possible if you do speak Spanish to pick up a tablet of a Spanish accent? Now, Hilaria Baldwin is a fucking bad example

because she also went on a cooking show and was like, what do you call these? And they're like a cucumber. That's, el pepino, that's like, pepino. You mean the cucumber? Cucumber. She rolls it extra. She was like, peel it and pull it in.

Cuckoo. Yeah, I, she's a bad example, but I've been obsessed with this. And then our best friend is from Vietnam. Chinese from Vietnam, born in Vietnam, took this, immigrated to America. Mom does not speak English. Dad does not speak English.

She speaks, obviously, I guess Mandarin and Vietnamese, but she has, and I get into this, anytime we get drunk, I bring this up. She does not speak like, she speaks broken English. She calls it chinglish. She calls it, nah, I didn't call it that. She calls it chinglish.

And so I go, I call it two behind her back, but I, but she, she's our best friend. And I, every time I get drunk, I go, I go, do you think you have an accent? And she goes, no. And then her whole family doesn't believe she has an accent, but if you heard her, you'd go, oh, she, so it's like,

it's like all of a sudden the accent, and this is like, what I do when I get high is I get obsessed with this. Well, here's the thing. I am a perfect example to see both sides, cause I'm what you call a 1.5er. I came here when I was 15 years old. So I came here with a very thick accent,

hard consonants, the whole shebang. I couldn't say 20. I used to say 20. And it used to really, it used to be a- Is that a Filipino accent? Yeah. It used to be a massive insecurity of mine because I would also-

I think that's so sexy. 20? Oh my God. I couldn't say it. Oregon, Oregon. Oh, I love it. I love it, but see, I don't think I have an accent. So I hear that and I go,

ooh, I want to hear that story. Wow, the Filipino accent. I always have like the wrong emphasis on the wrong part of the word on the wrong syllable. So like, I remember one time I was trying to sign up for a swim meet, and I was like, oh, where do I register? And it was registered and they were like,

what are you saying? Like, I don't know where I'm supposed to register. And he's like, you mean you want to swallow it? Spit it back up and take it in one more time? Yeah. And so I then became really, really conscious and very insecure because people would always kind of put me in a different box when they heard me speak.

And I then found the need to like over accentuate my valley girl accent. So I started to kind of obsess and acquire this fake accent from television because now, well, first I was fully Mexican by the way. So I had like a Filipino Mexican hybrid accent at this point, very confused teenager. And then the white swim team that I would swim for

were all white kids. And they would just, they couldn't not mention my accent every time I spoke. So by that time, senior year ruled around. I was like talking like this. And like, oh my God, guys, hey, I'm Koala. And it was so sad because I was just really insecure. But then one day I woke up and said, you know what?

The hard consonants are coming back. This is who I am. And fuck it, mountain, mountain, mountain, refrigerator, 20 Oregon. I think that's, so I wonder, I wonder now, cause my, this is yesterday I'm walking with my daughters and I realized they still sound like themselves. They have not, they've not,

so like there was a thing called vocal fried, you know what that is? So like some women, I'm gonna say it the way I think it's supposed to be understood. Okay, and we'll correct. By the way, get ready to edit me out of this. Try your best, Beth, go ahead. Okay, and this is what I read, quote unquote,

unintelligent women, who feel like their words don't matter. It's women, I don't know if it's, I don't know where they picked it up. I think Kim Kardashian was the first person to do it, but it's a way to kind of like emphasize what you're saying is to then slow it down and go, yeah. So, and it's almost like a way to kind of, I don't know, but my daughters don't have vocal fry.

And I'm like, oh, they still talk like regular people. Thank God. Do you think a lot of people in LA have vocal fry? No, but I know that some of our friends do, and I hear it and I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. Like that's not who you are. But so then you want to say, if that's not who you are, as your friend, I want to call you out and be like,

hey, you're doing something that is not really intelligent. It's like, it's what young ladies are going to run NPR for the first time do so that they sound like they belong on NPR. And it's not, I don't enjoy it. And then I was like, what the fuck do I do? Cause that's, see, here's my problem. And this is, I am hyper self-aware

and hyper self-correcting. So if I get into a situation where like the Karens of the world, right? Anytime anyone just claims fucking loses their shit on a Karen, I don't get angry at that person. I see how could I have been that person? Like I try to like internalize everything to try to make myself a better person.

Like, are you trying to empathize with the Karens? I empathize with everybody. That's my biggest problem is I empathize with everybody. Even people who don't deserve that empathy, maybe. Yeah, that's, yes. Almost, I don't mean this like jokingly, but I think that's the base of forgiveness is to find like, why is it that we can have a mass murderer,

not a mass murderer, but a man who's murdered somebody, go to jail, come out, and then we as society say, he has redeemed himself. Well, maybe we can't do that to say, like a Drew Brees who says something insensitive. It's a bad example, but you know, I mean, so I'm very much on the line of like trying to forgive. I'm the same exact way, by the way, that's my natural,

like my baseline is always to consider that they had a very different upbringing, to consider all different things in their life, just because it's really hard to, for me, unless someone really had like a fucking like brain injury at birth, for me to believe that some people are just inherently bad, that was a baby.

Yeah. At some, everyone was a baby, innocent little baby. I saw one baby once that I was like, that's a bad baby. That's a bad baby, this is a real child, this is a real child. Maybe, I don't know, I'm not gonna say his name, he's 16 years old right now, this is a bad child. Was he bad from birth to now?

So this kid. He's a model now. No, no, no, I'm curious, I would love to know where this kid is, just to stay the fuck away from him, because as a kid, by the making light of it, this very serious, he was born in Russia, and he was kept in like without human contact

for like the first fucking three or two years of his life. I mean, really bad, really, it's really bad developmentally to do to a child. And it gave him, I mean, he got adopted by a single mother, and this woman was a goddamn fucking saint, because we would go to mommy and me classes together, and this kid would all but make her bleed every class.

I mean, just fucking bite her, punch her, like he just, he just didn't have to. He was feral. He was a, and I remember going like, I remember grabbing my kid by the ponytail, going get the fuck away from this child. I would love to see if that kid ride at his boat. I would love to see.

Imagine if he was a humanitarian now. It's not gonna happen. I'm gonna roll the dice on that. Some of those, wait, what was I gonna say? Oh, okay, so you talk about, so I, I can forgive everyone, but here's where I get lost. There's a difference between forgiveness and then going, I don't want that person in my life.

Yeah. Meaning like, I can forgive people. There are people I just don't want in my life because I don't like what they, I don't think they're ever gonna change. I've forgiven them, but I don't think they're ever gonna change. Well, forgiveness is for you. People don't see that.

They always see as like, I have to forgive this person. Like you, you are not, you have to unburden yourself. Don't unburden them. The choice to forgive is because you want the peace. Yeah. You know, and then you also have the choice to just set a boundary and never speak to them again. That's the peace.

That was the interesting, go ahead. I just want to say, I think there's such a great forgiveness, empathy with these two words, the Japanese people and mancia. So, okay, so, so. Have you forgiven the Japanese people first? By the way, I have nothing against Japanese people. I will say, I will say, I read one book

and I came, my takeaway from the book was fucking horrific. There was no, my takeaway was so one-sided. I'm watching, and so, and here's where my brain goes, right? So I read one thing about Japan in this book and it doesn't paint Japan in the best light. But can you tell us what book? It's called Fly Boys. And I've talked about it ad nauseam.

To the point, if I bring up Fly Boys, my wife's like, fucking not all Japanese people, eight people, Bert. It was one fucking island. Just one, Bert. It was like seven dudes, right? But that's the way the book writes it. And it was written by an old white man. It's kind of broad strokes Japanese people.

By the way, this guy probably lost some friends in World War II. So maybe he doesn't have a kind eye to the island. But what's fascinating, so here's where my brain goes. So I go, I don't know. I didn't know enough about Asian people in general at all. So when I, I used to have a joke, not even, this didn't even really mean a joke.

I wrote it with Dr. Ken. I didn't know that Japanese people couldn't understand Chinese people at all. I thought it was a little bit like Italian. Asia was just Asia, just one color. Yeah, when you're a 48 year old white guy that grew up in Tampa, Florida, that is your takeaway. You didn't know that there's, that Vietnamese

is different than Hmong, is different than Thai. It's all different languages. And I think that, I remember I was sitting with Dr. Ken and I saw these two Asian people trying to get in and I go, yo Ken, I think your parents are trying to get in. And I didn't even know what I said. And he was like, my parents? And he goes, those are my parents.

I said, oh, I said, well, do you want to go help them? And he goes, I don't know them. And I said, well, what are they saying? And he goes, I don't know. I said, what do you mean? He goes, I don't know what they're saying because I don't speak fucking Japanese. And I was like, what?

He was like, I'm Korean. And I was like, no, I know, but what are they kind of saying? He was like, I don't kind of fucking know because I'm not kind of Japanese Bert. And I was like, shut the fuck up. Went on stage, told it, murdered right away. And half the white people in the audience are like, shut the fuck up.

So, so, so I didn't know a lot about Asia in the beginning of this fucking fly book. Boy's book is fascinating. I didn't understand, I didn't understand what the absolute isolation of being on your own island with your own people does to a country. And that's Japan. It is just, I mean, we're talking back

in what 1400s, 1300s, it's just Japanese people all the way up into the fucking 1940s. It's just Japanese people like that. I mean, that's like so, it's coming from America where it's a melting pot of Irish, my mom's Irish, my dad's German, our friends are Italian. Like the idea that growing up, you don't see that. It was just fucking.

Did they mention that because the, is that why Japan, Japan has a very, very like contentious history with the rest of Asia, obviously, because they not only like rape and pillage and destroyed Filipinos, but they did this very long like history with Korea as well, right? Where they try to like wipe Korea off their identity. Is the book trying to explain why the sense

of being Japanese is so strong that they felt like, does that like explain why they colonize so many other Asian countries? Well, in all honesty, they take it back a little bit and point the finger back at white people. Because what happened is, this is really fascinating. It's really fascinating. By the way, I'm a comedian and everything I'm trying to do

is always trying to get to a bottom of a joke. So if you're offended by what I'm saying, realize I'm trying to write a joke from my next special. Like that's, any information I take in is to try to find comedy in it. And ultimately, I don't give a fuck about learning something if I can't make a fucking joke about it. Like I don't watch shit to fucking bring it up at table.

Only reason I talk about it is so that I hopefully make someone laugh, but or fascinating shit. So fucking Japan comes in, takes over Korea, right? Takes over Korea. It's like, basically, this is ours. And America, Great Britain, everyone was like, ooh, we don't let Asian people do that. If Russia was to take it, that's different.

But you need to give it back. And they're like, what? And they're like, wait, we can't go conquer people the way you've been doing for millennia? And they're like, no, no, no, no, white people can, you can't. And so it's, I mean, it's fucking fascinating that that was the just the general mindset of the League of Nations, I think at the time,

or maybe the UN, is that, oh no, you have no right to conquer anything because you're not white. And so, but Japan's thought process at the time was like, fuck that. By the way, I'm not gonna sit here and try to defend what stuff Japan has done. I'm watching this new thing on Netflix

called the Samurais, or Aegis Samurais. I haven't seen it. It's fucking fascinating. Yeah. It's fascinating because the mentality that, and they talk about this in Flyboys a little bit, is that bootcamp for the average Japanese soldier was just actual torture.

It was beat the fuck out of them, beat the fuck out of them. That the mentality that Japanese soldiers had was, how could they have any respect for someone who didn't die for their country and just gave up and raise their hands? So they would be brutal to American soldiers. They were like, you should have been a man and died. I mean, there were dudes that,

captains who were like, all right, everyone in the ocean, I'm actually gonna die. And then everyone would be like, I wanna die too. Like that mentality is insane. Yeah, go down with the ship mentality. Americans are like, I'm off first. Like, fuck you, suck my dick. Have fun standing in my jizz, motherfucker.

Like that's American mentality. But one of the things in this age at Samurai is, this guy, I'm not gonna even attempt his name, takes over in like the 1300s, 1400s, starts taking over. One of the guys doesn't like it. So as a protest, he kills himself and I'm like, He carry carried himself. He's just in there and then pulled his guts out.

And you're like, okay, culturally, there is some differences. A lot, lots of differences. I would have just quit. That's like the same thing with the, a lot of Asian cultures have the idea of like martyrdom. We always have a martyr. Like for the Philippines, it was Jose Rizal.

You know, it's the same idea that like, you are gonna go down with the ship. Like you are gonna do everything. You're gonna put your life on the line. You're gonna, and if you don't succeed, you carry carry, right? You fucking take out your own guts. But that's the whole idea with like the Kamikaze planes.

Oh, so do you wanna know? Tell me everything I need to know. What about Japan, what about everything about Japan? I'm fucking, I'm so fascinated right now. And by the way, I'm trying to learn as much as I can. I'm like, I just, it's like the second you start learning something, then all the doors are opening. No, no, no, no.

Just fly boys. James Bradley, Graham. James Bradley. By the way, I apologize, James, if I painted you in something light. You should speak to my stepdad. He is, he was my high school history teacher. I'm obsessed with history.

And then here's the thing is that you start, you start cracking the nuts of history and then all of a sudden you're like, wait, hold on, like just little things. I didn't realize that in Brazil, they speak Portuguese. I thought it was a, I thought it was Horace Gracie. He called him Horace. It's a hoist.

Hoist, oh hoist. Horace Gracie, everyone. Horace. You have to imagine. Horace, there's not a Horace in there. There's no Horace, the Horace, the Brazilian people don't have Horace. Wait, am I saying it wrong?

Oh, Royce Gracie. Hoist Gracie. There's no Horace, but the Horace are ancient. Wait, no, it's Royce. Wait, hold on, Royce. Wait, hold on. Now you got fucked up. The R's are H's.

Say it that way, try that. Are you sure? It's spelled Royce, but it's hoist. Hoist and Horian. Horian, yes. Yes, Horian. Henner. Hen, yeah.

Hyphen. I don't know that. No, hyphen. Hypherian. What are the fucking Gracie brothers? Pull up the Gracie brothers. I fought five of them at once. Really?

I swear to God, I fought five of them at once. They choked me out. Henner is who I fought, Henner. Oh, then you know, Horian. Horian's their dad. Here's all the names on the side. OK. All right, Bill, that guy married into the family

and lost his name. Oh, Hodger Gracie is amazing. He was, I've seen him. Henner, OK. What was I saying originally? Cron. Cron Gracie. Cron's dad is Henner.

No, Hixon. Hixon, Hixon Gracie. I love Hixon. Hixon with a bald head, right? I walked in one time. You fought them? I fought, let me see, who's under Horian? Whereas, who is the fucking?

Bill Gracie is my favorite. Are you being serious? It's just all fucking R's and Bill Gracie. Daniel, George, by the way, they all kick my ass and I'm making fun of their names. Like, right now, they're like, Easy Burt. I fought Henner, Henzo, Hason, and Half. Is it Half or Alph?

Half, Half. By the way, that's confusing. I fought whoever Horian's sons are. I went in to do a TV show and then I fought. They gave me a knife, then I go ahead and stab one of them. See if you can. And then I went to stab. Were you really going like genuinely trying to stab?

At first, I was like, hey, hey. And then I dropped the knife and they started coming at me and I was like, fuck it, I'm stabbing a Brazilian. Here we go. And they took it out of my hand so quickly and choked me out so quickly that I was like, oh, that's why I go like, I go. I never challenge anyone physically because I go.

And I'm a big enough guy where you'd think that guys my size do that. No, fuck no. They can fuck you up. Wait, what were we talking about? This reminder as well. Kamikaze, Kamikaze. But you went down to Brazil and Portuguese and how you didn't

know it was Portuguese. I didn't understand. As soon as I heard that and then I was like, whoa. And then I was like, wait, how did South America become what it is today? And then I was on the Simone Boulevard kick of, he was the great, like all the, there's just so much that I never really gave a fuck about.

Look, I was in college for seven, six and a half years. I never fucking studied. I never studied, never listened. I never cared. I never found it interesting at all, all of school. And now I'm fucking over halfway done my life. And I'm like, oh, there's a lot I could have learned. Maybe I would have been a different person.

I think I have this theory that certain subjects should be taught at a later point in someone's life. Yeah, that's a good point. Why is school done the way it is? Let's fix school real quick. I think that they're trying to change it up, right? To where it's like they're trying to cater to different type of intelligent, like different types of intelligences

because I think that what we grew up in was like, traditional classroom learning, this is how it's gonna be. And the ones that fail are just the ones that fail. And it's like, that's not true. If that's this setup, it just does not curtail to that person's type of intelligence or needs, right? I'll give you an example. I did a, this is, probably Georgia was in first,

second or third grade, like before then. It was before third grade. And I chaperoned a trip to some, it was like a, what's it called, an arbitorium? Or arboretum? Arboretum. Arboretum, yeah. With plants?

Yeah, in trees. Arboretum, yeah. And so I chaperoned a trip. And now I only have girls, so I only know how to deal with girls. I don't technically like boys, personally. Like little boys punching the balls. And if it's not your kid, you don't know how to handle it.

So you're like, hey, man, I can fucking light you up right now, but I can't because you're not my kid. So, hey buddy, we don't punch in the dick. So like, so I, so they go, hey, you chaperoned the boys. I go, I want to chaperone the girls. And they're like, no, the girls are gonna be dealt with a mom. You can't take them to the bathroom and stuff.

And I was like, fuck. So I get stuck with these boys. I've never dealt with a boy. I don't have a boy. I don't fuck with boys. And now I'm sitting with these boys. We're eating lunch under a tree. And this one boy says, I bet I could hit that bird

with a stick. And the bird's pretty far away. And I'm like, I guarantee you can't. And he's like, I bet I could. And I was like, try. And so he grabs his stick. And from like 20 yards, he brains it. Just, oh my God.

And feathers are fucking everywhere. And I'm like, holy shit. He's like, I told you. And I was like, and now the moms are losing their shit. They're like, what the fuck? Girls are crying. What the fuck are you doing? And in my head, this is where my brain's going.

I was like, you're chastising talent. You're chastising an arm. A natural hunter. Yeah. 400 years ago, he'd be our leader. I'd be telling, I'd be trying to sell my daughter to him for a cow. I'd be like, this fucking kid is our leader.

He killed a bird. And I didn't know how to parent that moment other than literally as he was on timeout, just going over going, you killed a bro. Like, and he was like, I know. I was like, don't listen to the moms. Like you did what you're supposed to do. Like granted, you killed an innocent animal

for no reason at all at noon under a tree. Well, there was something. If I was his mom, I would make him retrieve the bird, pluck all the feathers, and cook it himself. Follow through, follow through. If you're going to be a hunter, let's be the best hunter in the world. Yeah.

And you're going to honor and pray over its dead body and say, I'm sorry, but thank you for this food. And then eat it. And that's your fucking noontime snack, little boy. Yeah. I want to see that kid. By the way, I know his dad still. And I can track the kid.

The kid's like fucking 6'2 now. 16 years old, 6'2. Is he a bird assassin still? I don't know. But I'm telling you, if I can get my daughter near him. You know what's crazy? I started becoming fans of, so there's boys that come up in your, I said they're like Jake Paul,

a boy. Like I don't, obviously he could beat me up and everything. But like, he could also be my child, right? I mean, what's he like? He's like 18 years old, right? Logan Paul, 18, he's got to be 18, 20 years old. Probably 35. We just see him as that.

Jake Paul's 24. Yeah, he's a good boy. Logan 25. Yeah. He's a bad boy. Whoa, talk about Irish twins. Anyway, it's when apparently breastfeeding isn't a contraceptive, huh, Ma?

Anyway, so I consider them young boys. And there are boys of that age that I end up following, because they're interesting. And you just do. And then as a dad, I see them. I don't see them as like a guy I want to hang out on. Nothing against either of the Paul brothers, but like I probably will never hang out with them.

And if they watch me drink, I think it would make them sad. They'd be like, what the fuck? And I'd be like, amen, I'm doing different things than you are. You stay in your lane, I'll stay in mine. And so they'd probably be like, bro, you're fucking really drinking. I'm like, and I shit blood every now and then. Go back to boxing.

So, but I follow them. And then I started following, I say boys, for lack of a better word, but like young men on that are like interesting celebrities, because I wanted my daughters to be around guys like them. But my daughters will never meet them. But I could, I like, like where I was like. My mind is blown.

That's who I'm. Wow, dude. I would chain because my niece lives with me. She's a 19 year old. I would fucking ball gag that bitch and chain her to a fucking tree if she said, I'm going to go to a Jake Paul party. Oh, oh, I see.

That's where I, that's where I lost it is that like, I couldn't, I like those guys for Burke Reiser. I like those guys. I like what they do. I really do. And I know there's people not going to like this, but I think they're very innovative. I think they're, they're smart thinkers.

They're great businessmen. The way they do business, I'm fascinated. As a standup comedian, Burke Reiser, if I run into one of those guys, I'm going to hang out with them. I'm going to talk to them. I'm going to pick their brains. I'm fascinated.

If they invite me to go to a party, I'm going to the fucking party. But are you bringing your daughter? No, as a father, I can't, I got to put them in arms distance. And then I started seeking out young men that are online, like Kylenny. Do you know who Kylenny is?

Who is he? Like Kylenny, Nathan Florence, John John Florence. But I think I know Kylenny. Yeah, you should. He's like one of the greatest water men that's ever lived. And by the way, I know so much about this kid. Just simply because he just is like, he's just like a pure kid.

He's like a pure, like. See, that's what I like. Yeah, and like, so type in Kylenny. I think I do know him. He's a big wave surfer. Yes, of course. Of course I know him. He's, first of all, he's a good looking kid, right?

Great shape. The other day, did the biggest waves of the year. Him and John John Florence, I think, go out, surfing comes back and he has one beer at the docks. Just one beer. That's the kid you want your kid around, right? That's like. He's a kid I'm going to raise.

If I have a son. Yeah, well, it turns out sometimes you don't. Sometimes like his parents are good. But it's like he's a good looking kid. And he just, it's like, when you see their lifestyle, like all these kids in Hawaii, I'm like fascinated with them because they just seem like. This is so silly.

They went out like big wave surfing. He's like, hey, his son doesn't set up for two more hours. I'm going to take my paddle board out and go try to paddle board the same waves. I haven't been paddling boarding lately. And then you're like, more of that. And so I end up following these. They're all vloggers.

They're like vloggers that you can like. And so I end up following them because I would want my daughters. It sounds so weird, but like I want my daughters to be around those types of people. Oh my God, Annie Letterman's on one of our episodes. She said something along those lines.

She's like, I think dads secretly seek out a perfect potential mate for their daughter. Oh, I? And Esther was like, oh, that's so disgusting. You shouldn't say that dads don't do that. And Annie's like, I think that's like, I absolutely think that's what they do. Oh yeah.

There are boys that have come by my house and because I am who I am, they, it's a disconnect. Like I'm who I am all the time. There's a blunt in my bag right now. I am who I am. I can't change who I am. If you send me on an airplane,

I'm going to get there two hours early. I'm going to start drinking by myself, make some friends, do some shots, get on the plane. I'm going to try to black out. And if I get cut off by the waitress by the tenant, I may eat half Xanax. Now that's who I am.

And I have been known to threaten a flight attendant with the possibility of, listen, I can bite the Xanax in half and we can have a shit show on our hands or you can just slow roll me beers. I've done that, but that's who I am. I can't deny who I am. The other part of who I am is the guy who wants to be better

for real, like really does, really does and wants his daughters to see that side of him. And then maybe you seek out young men that you go, God, my, my daughter's met guys like that. Like, look, my daughter ended up dating Jake Paul. I'd sell so many fucking tickets. I'd be. Lovely boxing.

Yeah, first of all, we got to wait a couple of years. I think everyone understands the age limit. Yeah, right? I think we're all on par with the hell. Are we? Are we? It doesn't seem like it guys, but the way I was in the hardcore swear to God, swear to God, I'm not saying any names.

I was a limousine with a bunch of parents and someone's older son who's like 19 and someone's younger daughter who is 16 and I was watching one mom play matchmaker and I was the voice of reason going that can't happen. That kid's going to get arrested for rape and this kid doesn't know this is called grooming and the mom and the moms were like, oh, we all dated older boys when we were younger. And I was like, and it was rape, apparently.

By the way, can I just say, I never was on board with fucking just like, I remember there was a 24 year old boy that was dating one of the girls that we were in when we were juniors. And I was like, this seems like cheating. 24. 20 fucking four. And I remember being like, this is not fair, because I wanted to date her.

And I was like, fuck this guy. He's just coming in cherry picking whoever he wants. He's got a car. He's got a job. He's out of college. I mean, what the fuck? We should five if you could go and look, I don't agree with cancer culture at all at all.

I want to cancel this motherfucker. I'm still, I still hold a grudge. I still know his name and I still hold a grudge because I remember, I remember fucking, by the way, I can't get too specific because the people may hear it and go, whoa, he's talking about us. That's my problem is I overshare so. Oh, I am used to that when I first started dating Bobby

within maybe our second month in the relationship, I got knocked out and I decided to terminate the pregnancy and. What if she was like, we kept it. It's in the basement. No one knows about it. I'm right here. Oh, one eyed monster.

And he, that day that I was in the clinic to get the shmoshmoshions, he was on a podcast saying, that I was getting a shmoshmoshions. They just started dating. And I just started dating. He was like, yeah, she's over there right now. I paid for it. So it's fine that she's doing it alone.

And I was like, oh, this motherfucker. So we were only in our second month of dating. So I was like, oh, this is over. I was like, it's really nice knowing you. Thank you for the semen contribution, but I don't ever want to see you again. And so what, how did he get you back? And he was like, I'm going to relapse.

I'm walking into a bar right now. I've been sober for 15 years. I'm going to relapse. And I was like, you need to fucking, put your big girl panties on and call a friend because I do not want to be with you. And I put my foot down. And then the next day we had, he apologized for two hours.

He was like, I just have made a career of saying everything as a coping mechanism, as a defense mechanism so that people don't come for me. It's like, I'm going to say all the bad things in my life and all the things that worry me so that no one else can say them before me. So I feel like I own my, my, I own my insults. I own the bad things.

No one can pull that over my head. So I was like, and then there comes the empathy where I'm like, you know what? You were raised by wolves, I think. You were raised differently and I understood and we got over it. That is, I overshadowed. One dead baby later, we got over it.

The love resumed. There you go. That's all it takes, you know? But the oversharing thing is, is something that I've actually, without knowing, learned to do as well. And I now go to therapy having regrets about oversharing because I just followed the Bobby Lee formula.

And I'm like, fuck, why did I say that? Cause stuff that I said five years ago on this podcast, I'm like, I should have held close to my... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We all do. Yeah. We all do. Because we're just in a room with friends

and there's a danger of that. And then I say something about something and you guys laugh and I go on a rant and I go, well, that works, you know? And it's like, and then you, you go, there's people, there are people coming through podcasts, you know, looking for times you fucked up or slipped up or laughed at something inappropriate,

which I've done the entire time of my career, is been drinking or getting high. And then someone says a horrible word that's supposed to give you outrage, but it just comes out at the wrong time and you start laughing and then you look like you're condoning hate speech and you're like, no, I just fucking, you caught me off guard.

That's how laugh works. And I think, and I think that, I think the vast majority of the people who support us understand that and go, no, I get it. The problem is, is when we start eating our own and you see, you know, there was a big shift of people that are into podcasting, finding out they could get views

and start their own podcast level, start lighting up current podcasters. Cause they were like, that's how I start a career. And you're like, come on, man, just do, like here's the thing is if you're cool, I'll do your podcast. And then if you, and then that's how we did it. Like we didn't go after each other.

By the way, I'm fucking, I've overshared and said things about friends of mine on podcasts that I didn't mean to and then piled on them when I shouldn't have. And I'm like, fuck, that didn't come out the way I thought it would. And there's no taking it back cause you already said it and it's already out there.

And it's not your podcast where you can go, oh, like I texted Tom the other day, I go, did we talk about Michael Che? Cause he got in trouble. And I was like, did I talk shit about him? Cause I like Michael Che a lot. And he's like, no. And I was like, can you guys have someone check that audio?

That's how little I pay attention to what I'm saying on a podcast. Now listen, if I do good morning America, I'm pretty dialed in, you know? Like if I do the tonight show, it's scripted. That's why it's scripted. The fun thing about these things is that they're loose to free. We're talking shit.

We're having fun. We're not married to any of our fucking politics. I totally stopped talking about politics because I fall sudden it's like all my politics are coming out kind of sideways. I was like, and I got, I went on a fucking NPR show. And the guy's like PR show. I should not.

The other thing I learned is do not do shows that you don't know the people very well. Oh, because you get put on one of these shows and they start coming through your history. And they're like, so let me ask you a story about, you told a story about Tracy Morgan. And I was like, I don't want to tell that again. I wish I had never told him the first place.

Can we just move on, please? And then they're like, tell us about. And this guy fucking, man, he got me. He got me good, but it was like, you know, and here's where I, here's where I've internalized it. Is he put me on the spot? It was uncomfortable. I'm sure you can find it.

Just find it. It's out there. And I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't know what I was saying at all. And then all of a sudden he's like, we get done the interview. And he's like, he's like, you talk a lot, man. He's like, you talk non-stop.

You're on like three podcasts. And he's like, and people listen to you. And he's like, so be thoughtful with your words sometimes. I remember Rogan saying that. And I was like, oh, he's talking to Brian Redband, not me. Like, Rogan would say, you guys know people listen to this, right? And Redband's like, buttholes, farts, Olive Garden.

And here I am talking shit also. Going, he must be talking to Brian, not me. And he's like, no, you're talking to both of us. And so, yeah, so I don't know. There's look, there's. There's an upside and a downside. The upside is that you will never run out of content and a podcast and people that love you for it.

The downside is that you've likely exposed and thrown everyone in your life under the bus. I've done it to my daughters. I've done it to my wife. I've done it to Tom. I've done it to Bill. I've done it to everyone I care about. Do you feel like genuine remorse when they're like,

hey dude, why'd you say that? Genuine, like in remorse that, you know when people do an apology and they're like, I just want to take this time to reflect. I actually don't do the apology, but all the shit they say they do, I actually do really aggressively to myself where I go, what the fuck, man?

Like, what is wrong with you? Rick Glassman suggested something to me because I always have this. Rick Glassman is a really intelligent dude. He's very bright. He's a friend of mine. I love him. We talk about stocks all day

and whatever stock advice he gives me, I'm on it. So, because I have this thing where it's like, fuck, what did I say? What did I say? I don't always have like a recollection of what I said, but I know that I felt some way and some guilt about what I said. So he was like, why don't you just start

like an amendments page for your podcast where it's like everything that maybe if your views have changed in the last five years because we're all evolving. Like, I don't believe what I said five years ago. I'm a different person. And so just put them on there. So if anyone ever tries to comb through

and trying to cancel it, you'd be like, nope, nope, look at my amendments page. My feelings have since changed or this was, I already said that was a lie and that was like an untruthful thing that I said. So I was like, oh, I really like that idea because it's like, we're just spewing all day. It's also filling content.

Like the truth is when you did radio, when you, any of my radio friends, they've said horrible things and because they're filling four hours of content every morning. And so they say like crazy wild shit. And the thing was, is that it was radio. They're back the next day.

We're off for a full week. And then we come back next week and no one remembers what they said last week. I mean, and I have been primarily on my own podcast, 50% drunk on Rogan's podcast. I've done podcasts where I woke up the next day and I was like, I don't remember how we ended that podcast. Oh man.

I did one podcast with Rogan where I woke up the next day and I went, I think I ruined my career. By the way, so you wanna talk about when people go, I'm gonna take this time to reflect. My reflection is in bed in the morning, sweating. You ever get the kind of anxiety where you said something, you don't know what you said and you sit up in bed

and you're like, what the fuck did I say yesterday? Like, Jesus Christ. All the time. And I do that sober. So I can imagine it's even harder when you've like blacked out three hours of your life, you know, on a microphone. That's so, that's my worst nightmare.

It's one of the reasons why I think that I really drink or I really do any of that. Cause like my head just takes me to all the wrong places all the time. And it's so much shame. I have a good, I hang my hat on the fact that I have a good heart. I'll give you a perfect example.

Okay. I want. We're not a society that looks at heart, are we? We're not, we're cancel culture. No, we're not, cancel culture isn't. It's, I mean, it's real, but it's not, it's, it's only as real as you can let it be. I mean, you know, I don't,

I don't really have any views on it. Cause I kind of- So what do you think about the cancellation of Carlos Mancea? Well, it's interesting is that I saw that video and I don't dislike Carlos. I don't, I met him one time. I've only met him once and it was after a bunch of stuff.

You know, I think that it didn't seem to me personally. That there was a bunch of reflection done. I mean, like in watching it, it just seemed, and like I said, I should preface this, I only saw it like 10 times. No, I'm kidding. I only saw it once. I only watched it once.

And it just seemed like it, like he seemed to be saying two things at the same time at times where it was like, I never did that, but I've already apologized to them for doing that. And I was at times and I was like, I was like, and that's where, and I think that's where I land with Bobby is that when you're someone

who over shares, you tell everyone everything about everything you've done, you put your dirt on the table and then you're accountable for that dirt. Look, I'll tell the tall tale all day long to make you laugh, right? I'm gonna like- But that's the thing with tall tales.

That's Bobby's problem. I'm like, look, sweetie, you can over share, but the problem with him is that he is an exaggerator and he embellishes everything. But he'll take what would should have been just a regular like benign story of like being a young guy, but then he will just put all the fucking nasty bells and whistles on there.

So now it's a cancelable story. And I'm like, you cannot be doing that. Yeah, yeah, that's, well, you can do that. But I think that's also, this is way over sharing, but I think that is the people that he was around at the time, that is what they were celebrating. Was the horrible bells and whistles. I don't, I try to, I try not to surround myself

with people that are like, and then I put my dick in her mouth while she was sleeping. Like that, none of my friends really thought that was good. By the way, let me rephrase this. I actually used one of my jokes right then. I just used my, so ignore whatever the fuck I say. That was a joke I used to have. It's in one of my specials.

Check it out, or is it special? Is that, but I, it's so outrageous. I wouldn't think you'd really think I did that. I was saying I was trying to get a blowjob for my wife. I tried the ascended approach, you know, where you slide it in her mouth while she's sleeping. She's like, oh, I'm like, you're snorkeling. You're snorkeling in the keys, you're dreaming.

You have the fish bouncing off your chin. Look, I don't know, don't even fucking listen to me. There's no reason to fucking listen to me. I'm fucking skating on thin ice as it is, people. I'm just trying to get to fucking 50, okay? Leanne is a fucking saint, by the way. Yeah, she is. When I am just at my wit's end with Bobby,

I look to her for guidance. I go on any podcast Leanne is on and I listen to it. Like it's fucking, it's my Bible. Cause I'm like, I don't know how to do this. This woman has it down to a sign. When I saw the men see a thing, and they just go back to this, it didn't seem like his stories were adding up.

And it just seemed like that you're, I was just watching it going like, so did you, did you or not? Like I do think there's times, like there was one documentary he did where he was like, that's right, I steal your material and I do it better. I tried to double down on it and that was a mistake. Yeah.

And I was like, I was like, don't do that. Don't do that. Like, and that's, and cause I, that wasn't the, no one in our, I was particularly frustrated that episode because I think it was a great, you guys did a great job. I think I did.

I was so, I beat myself up after that because I was like, wait a second. Like I, I've met the man outside of here. You know, I've met his family and I see how he is. And he is a sweet, sweet guy. So I think that coming into it, my expectation was that he was just going to be like, you know what? Like it's been 14 years.

Like if I did it, fuck, what a mistake. Like I think I really thought that there's a way out of this. There is a redemption story here. Here's what we, here's what we wanted. I'll tell you what, as a comic what I wanted to hear. And by the way, there is a redemption story out of this because I don't, I don't,

I'd never have disliked Carlos. I've met him one time. That's it. I disliked his practice of business. I personally didn't trust it to be in the room with it. If he, I think, I think it's hard to do. I mean, even in saying, here's what I think you should do. I think it's hard to do because he would have had to say,

you know, let's talk about that Ari joke, for example. And he goes, yeah, I saw him do it. I saw him do it, but I, if he had said, and I'm not saying this is the right thing, I'm saying this is what I didn't hear was I saw him do that. But I had already had the thought a week before and I had, but I hadn't done it. And I didn't do it his way.

I did it my way. And you guys are gonna understand a lot of people. Like, like if he tried to talk about the actual, a couple of bits that made sense. One thing he's done very well is, and I don't think he did this on purpose, was talk about how unkind he was to younger comics and how he wanted to bury people and how he wanted to,

but like, I think some of the stuff that Joe has brought up, and Joe doesn't talk about this at all, not to me personally, I want to be very clear. I haven't, I have not talked to Joe about Carlos Mencia. If someone's gonna pull up a clip of me and Joe, there's podcasts. 15 times you talked to him about it.

Fucking fifth, but I'm saying like personally, we don't text back and forth about Mencia. I didn't text him a clip of, did you see him on Tiger Bell? Like that just didn't happen. But I think if the actual offenses that people were bringing up, if he went down the line and said, let's talk about that, that people said I would do their closer

before they went on to bury them. I think that was one of the things. But see, you know how we were talking about empathy, right? And really kind of putting yourself in someone's shoes. What if 20 years from now, we look back, we find out that we were wrong about him, that he really did not do it, that we had somehow our perception of whatever happened

was wrong and people piled on and that he stuck to his guns because that was his truth. Well, you know, that's an interesting take. And I think adversely, I would say I have not judged him, I've tried not to judge him and I don't really have any experience with him stealing from me. Once you steal from me, then I can really contextualize it.

And I've been stolen from four or five times. And my thing right now is to try to let go of those grudges because I hold grudges. I don't trust people, I don't trust dudes. Like that's why I get hesitant sometimes to go to the store. Because sometimes the wolves are out there and you're like, you know, even with Joe being there,

like being so prevalent there, you know, look, a premise is a premise, people, you know, it takes a very, very strong willed comic to watch someone do something so close to being good and not go, I know the take on that. And then them do it for themselves. I consider that stealing. I don't know.

Because there were bits and pieces where I did understand what he was saying. But, you know, when we were done with all of that, I just felt really sad. It was a tough interview to watch because I wanted more, I mean, I think, you know, and look, like I said, I only watched it once, but like I thought you guys did a really good job

of kind of holding him to what you've believed the truth to be. Yeah, but I also had this, like in my head, I'm like, this is gonna be a hard reset. All those premises that he stole 14 years ago are no longer being told on stage anyways. So here, here's our fucking hard reset. The guy is sorry, let's move on,

but it just kind of didn't turn out that way. You know what, you know what, Bob, or what is not really, it's hard to understand for a lot of people, especially a lot of podcast fans now, is just how much no one liked each other back then. Yeah, so that's why. I don't know if that's a hard thing for them to understand. I think they know that because like,

it's all the stories that I hear about back then, it just seemed like the wild, wild West. There are no rules. Everyone was just beating the shit out of each other, trying to just, you know, bump each other as, like, Bobby would say like, who was it, like Eddie Griffin would stay on for three fucking hours. So long.

I remember hearing stories of like, people getting double spots, which doesn't happen now. But also the shift in podcasting changed it so that I could benefit from Bobby in a way that I couldn't before. Like I could benefit from, and Joe could benefit from me in a way that it would never have. Joe Rogan could never have benefited

from befriending me or being nice to me. He was just that guy cause that's who he was. But then once podcasting started up and then you go, I come on and I tell a story and all the fans are like, that's great story. Have him on again and Joe has me on again. I tell another good story and then I'm wild and I get drunk and I'm on travel channel.

I'm telling these crazy stories about jumping off buildings and cliffs and then all of a sudden Joe's like, oh, this is a good guest. This is a good guy. My fans like it. So there was a benefit. I remember the first person I realized that with was Ari and Joey Diaz and going like,

oh shit man, I started a podcast. I get Joey Diaz on the first episode. I got fucking 50,000 downloads on my first episode. Are you fucking kidding me? Trust me when I'll say, I will not ever step on a Joey Diaz premise before I go up on stage for him or after him because this sounds selfish, but my friendship, there's a benefit to my friendship with him

and my respect of him, which wasn't there before. There was no benefit to befriend Bobby or fucking Dr. Ken or Steve. Look at the way the Kims of comedy fought, right? And it's because ultimately there wasn't, ultimately there's two truths in that. They weren't allowing four fucking famous Asian people at one time.

Right? Thank you, Bert. We just keep fighting for the same fucking spot. Yeah. Oh, I'm telling you when I say it was clear to me, I think Sarah Silverman just said it is white guys are like, what about me? What about me?

How come everything's being taken away from me? And Sarah Silverman wrote, how about just be great? Yeah. Just be great. And then it's undeniable. But imagine if that was the case for Asian people, right? Just being great wasn't enough for it. Wasn't enough.

There's four great comics up on that poster that I'm looking at and it is very clear, Hollywood had room for one. Yeah. That's it. That's it. Yeah. And you're talking about, you're talking about,

and by the way, I think everyone got their chance at the plate in all fairness, but like all those guys at that time in live, I'm pointing to the Kims of comedy poster for those of you that don't know, but at that time there was only room for one. So there wasn't like, in a real weird way, there was no benefit as if now,

you know, when Bobby texts me, he's like, hey, can you co-host my podcast? I mean, look, I actually, I'm pretty fascinated and I'm trying to get you. I asked for you. It was a personal. I was like, please have Bert on because I don't really want to talk a lot.

Okay. Your fans right now are like, we wish you'd pick somebody else. But let's be, let's put, if we're going to be over Sharon put cards on the table, I want to get you, Annie and Esther on my podcast. I know you guys started the podcast. I think it's fucking fascinating.

I want to get you guys on my podcast. I know that you guys are safe. That's another thing I want to talk about is that this setup is the way I'm comfortable being treated. I don't, I don't like when you go somewhere and they're like, oh dude, I probably already had it. Just sit down, you're fine. And I'm like, no, cool, great.

I hope we went, I went one place and they're like, oh, I don't know where I don't even believe in COVID. And I was like, great to be talking with everybody. Well, that's the thing, like with Annie Esther and I, we get tested before each podcast, day of, not even the day before it's like, nope, I need to see it a couple hours before. We still keep our distance.

That's the only way I can operate until this is over because I am somebody, I'm paranoid. And I have to, I can't lie to myself. I know how I feel the five days after I leave a potentially sus situation where I'm like, oh, because I have really bad allergies. I'm like, this is it. This is fucking it.

Every night I just sit there like just, oh, this is it, I have it. I brought, I took a picture of all this. This is how, and I thought of this. I don't really think before I podcast, like I don't let go, what should I talk about today? But there's little commonalities that we have that I went, that I was thinking of today.

And one of the things that I was like, I don't, I try not to dislike people based on what the, on their practices. Yeah, sort of like, like people who just straight up don't wear masks and go into a Kmart. Yeah. I, part of me goes, all right, man, I got it. I understand you are like, please understand

that I'm not going to want to interact with you. Like I've had guys on the road and the fans of mine, legit fans be like, oh, you're one of those mask people in like Kansas city and you're like, yeah, I respect you and I respect that you don't believe in COVID. But respect that I do. And even if you don't respect me when I mock me, I'm going to let you do it.

I'm going to walk away. I feel the exact same way. I really don't get on people. I don't yell it. I just don't. I'm in my, I'm taking care of myself. This is how I operate. Leave me alone.

If you want to make fun of me, have fun. I'm cool. Look, I got thick skin. Go online. They're calling me fat. They're calling me whatever you want to call me. Totally cool with it. I'm totally cool with it.

I got thick skin. I'm here for jokes. I'm a job as a comedian. And if I'm going to be the butt of the joke, hey, I'm in on it too. I got it. Let me tell you something. Oh, I have big plans as soon as this fucking quarantine's

over, but I, but I'm too much of a rule follower to go. Like I go, no. Hey, Jaywalk. I don't even Jaywalk. That's how people know this about me. I am the biggest rule follower. I'm a rule follower. This is my wife will say this.

I'm a rule follower, except when they apply to me. Like I, like for some reason, like certain rules, I just go, yeah, but that's like, um, perfect example. I do not believe in being late places, but depending on what that is, I'm cool with being late. Like, so like, I don't like being late, but if we're talking about, it's like I'd never be late to the comedy store

ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. I will always be there 30 minutes ahead of time before my spot. However, if it's my show at the comedy store and I'm the only person on the lineup, I may be late because I go, well, I know the rules are they can't start without me. And so like where people are panicked,

like we should get there early. I go, I remember telling my daughter that, and then she was in like second grade and we were running late to school. And she said, dad, they can't start without me. I went, no, that just applies to me, not you. Like they're definitely starting without you, Isla. Like you're, they don't even think about you.

Like they've already started, you're fucking late. So I, I, I have weird rules like that, you know, like I don't like when people talk shit about people on podcasts, but I've done it. So like, whatever, I'm a hypocrite. I'm all the shit I don't like in people, but at least I know it. We have an unhelpful advice this week.

Unhelpful advice with Calyla and Burke Greiser. Oh my God, I almost said Bobby. I am a 20 year old female living at home since the pandemic with my parents and younger brother who was a decade younger than me. Wait, I'm confused already. She is a 23 year old female. Oh, she is, she doesn't have a 20 year old.

No, she, I am a 23 year old female living at home since the pandemic with my parents and younger brother who was a decade younger than me. She's 12. Yes. Unlike me, great math, unlike me who grew up, shy and obedient to my parents. My brother is a complete brat.

My old ass parents don't give a fuck because well, they're old now and look at me to help raising him essentially because it's like a lost cause. I tried being his friend. I tried being the older sister, but nothing works. He's still a piece of shit. It's costing me to have poor anger management

and rage that makes me want to hit him. Though I never want to do that to him the way my parents hit me growing up. I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to hate him and even resent my parents for having this accident baby. Yet these feelings make me feel really guilty. The bottom line is how do I go about treating my younger brother?

Should I attempt to build a better relationship even though it's hard? Or should I preserve my own mental health and hold on until the pandemic ends and escape this nest completely? Which will make me, which will be better when he's older? You already know Burgess that he hates boys. Oh no, by the way, I'm having the same problem

with my daughter except it's not my brother. So like, yeah, I resent her. I want to hit her. I can't wait till this pandemic so ever I can get the fuck out. I look at my wife sometimes who is so fucking good of a person, so good. Man, she sees everything with love.

I wish I could be that person. I get bitter and angry about certain things. Like, what was it? I'll give you a perfect example. It happened today or it happened yesterday. I was like, oh, last night the girls took the bikes out but then they just left them all over the backyard. And I was like, hey guys, we're gonna put the bikes away.

And they're like, what? And I said, Georgia, we're putting the bikes away. And she's like, what do you want? And I was like, no, you hear me. You don't want to do it. And then I got really angry. And then she was like, I didn't take them out. And I was like, that's not what I said.

I didn't say, hey, did you take them out? Can you help me? I said, we're gonna put the bikes away. She was like, I love. And then I'm like, why are you doing this? Like, why are you? And then my wife's like, and then they go outside. And I go, I don't like that disrespectful shit.

She's a kid, who gives a fuck? And I was like, no, but she should be, she goes, did you do that shit to your dad? And I was like, yeah. And I was like, wait, how can you be so in the moment kind of positive? Like, don't you want to throw her in the pool or something? She was like, you need to calm the fuck down.

And I was like, and then I start spinning out of control. And I'm like, no one tells me to calm the fuck down. And I'm like, and I go, but it's so funny that like, I know what that girl's going through. Is there is a weird selfishness where we forget what it would be like to be her little brother. And sometimes the rules are different for us

when we're growing up. Like, I told my daughter the other day, I go, we were talking about tattoos. And I said, you can never get a tattoo. And she was like, well, that's not a rule. And I went, no, it's definitely a rule. And then I went, and then I said, I don't have a tattoo. She goes, I don't care.

She goes, do you know why I don't have a tattoo? And she goes, well, why do you have a tattoo, dad? And I go, because my dad said I couldn't get a tattoo. And that's why I don't have one. And that's why you're not getting one. Our dad, my dad said, we can't get one. Like, what the fuck world am I living in? Like, I don't give a shit if she has a tattoo.

I do reverse psychology with Jules, with a teenager we have here. I'm like, she get a tattoo every day, get a tattoo. Bobby's like, hey, do cocaine, do cocaine, do all this. She couldn't be a more angelic child. Like, we just keep forcing her into these, what we think. And she's like, oh, that's so like uncool and like your age stuff.

Oh, what's the? She comes up with a face tattoo right now. Hi, hello. Hello, I did it. I got really high on cocaine and I got a face tattoo. Bobby's going to be so happy. You guys love me more now? Guys, I'm pregnant.

So what do we tell this girl to do? I think those feelings are super normal. I think everyone in the pandemic, in the same household, wants to murder each other. Just hang in there. And when you do get the time and the money, yeah, get out of there, get your own place, have that independence.

What you're saying is so, I didn't mean to cut you off, I'm sorry, but what you're saying is so real. She's forgetting she's in a pandemic a little bit and that if, my wife says it to me all over and over again, you're dealing with, you're in a pandemic, you can't go out and work. You can't, like other than what I did a little bit, but like, she's like, you can't go out to the store,

you can't go out to dinner. You can't go to Pat's to have a cocktail. You can't do that. And don't forget that you can't do any of that shit and then she can't do any of this shit. And you're the reason she can't do any of this shit because you're saying, if I can't do this shit, you're not doing this shit.

And then all of a sudden, that's all real tension in a household that is because we're in a very unique time. And to forget we're in a unique time is almost to blame yourself for something you're not guilty of. Those feelings are very real, they're very valid, but don't blame yourself for having them. It's a pandemic.

If you guys were out of the house, if you were out of the house, you'd come in, you'd see your brother, you'd smile and go, hey, what are the fucking old fucks up to today? And they'd be like, ugh, they're fucking, they hit me. And you'd be like, ah, sit down, but they're not hitting him because you're all in the same house.

They can't just start beating him up now. It's fucking awkward. Yeah. Beat the shit out of him in front of everyone. I would just walk around with like nunchucks and like fucking like, you know what, what do you call those things? Brass knuckles.

Brass knuckles. And just like, look like I'm training for a fucking, I look like I'm training for a kumite so that the younger 12 year old is like, what the fuck is she up to? So he just gets in line. Here's what you do. While he's sleeping, cut his hair, just a little bit.

A little bit so you know you fucking won. And then the next morning go, hey man, your hair looks good. And they'd be like, ugh. And then you always have that knowledge that you won. Just a little lock in a hair. And then leave it places and be like, put it in his food. And they'll be like, who's hair in my food?

Go, you sure it's not your hair? I hope I helped you, friend. Yeah, I hope I helped you. Thank you so much for doing this, Bert. Hey, thank you for having me. I really liked you. This was a blast. And we're going to go spear fish.

We're going to live out the Hawaii dream. I'm a 100% into all of that. Anything to promote? Anything? I don't have anything to promote. Oh no, I'm sorry. I have a TV show. TBS, go big show every Thursday night, 9 p.m. 8 central, the finale's coming up.

It's a two hour, I think it's an hour finale. I don't know, whatever. But it's a good show. It's a big family, friendly, fun things. Snoop dogs on it, Cody Rhodes, Jennifer Nettles, Rosario Dawson, and myself, I'm hosting. And then I think that's it.

Oh, my podcast, Two Bears, One Cave, my podcast, Bill Burt, and my podcast, Burt Cast. Burt Crasher, everyone. Thank you. You guys, I have a new podcast with some really good friends of mine called Blood Bath. It's with Annie Letterman and Esther Povitsky. They are completely unhinged.

I, myself, I'm a little bit unhinged. Our episodes go sideways very often. I can't tell if we are obsessed with each other or if we absolutely hate each other. I would really love your support. Go to youtube.com slash bloodbathgirls, smash all the buttons, subscribe, leave us a review on iTunes.

Hopefully it's five stars. If there's a six star, and that's an option, give us that, just give us the world. Annie is really broke. I want to have my own independence. Esther is emotionally falling apart. And also it's a really good show. It's, honestly, I hate to toot my own horn,

but it is a fun show and it's only gonna get funner. Yes, and if you love George's laugh, it's also there. It's true, it's like the volume was raised. No, I am turning it down. Bryce did the audio on that one and I told him afterwards, no more. Turn it way down. I need it.

It's a comfort of mine. It feels like home. Do not do that. You always ruin every promo by adding me to it. This is a great show. Bloodbath, go watch Bloodbath. And Annie and Esther. All right, perfect.

Bye guys. Bloodbath. Yes, produced by Andres. Kidding. He'll be on it soon. Oh, actually, you know what, baby? If someone is gonna have something going on in a couple of months.

George, what's in your- I'm on it soon, wonderful. Four weeks. Something life altering is gonna happen in George's life, guys. And he may have to, oh, George, what is it? I just wanted to give a quick taste of the playing cards we have here.

Ooh. There's a few of the face cards. So we have like, guys, is this artist who made this? It's actually on the side of the pack. It is, where's his name? Custom designed by Jay Ross. This guy is a dope artist. He made this really sick deck.

So much of Tiger Belly personality is in these. If you look at the face cards, there's different variations of the Slep King. Every different one? The Slep Queen. All the aces have like little knots, some Tiger Belly things. Also, even the jokers, those are personally my favorite cards,

are the jokers. Yeah, I'm not showing that thing. This is us in a box of cards right here. The Slep King, the Slep Queen, their trusty pen face, sidekick, and I don't know why you call, I just insulted myself. But guys, these cards are dope.

Check them out. George, if you want to buy these, where can you find out when they are released? Just go to podcap.io slash belly and you can sign up for newsletter that we're doing. Updates on the Tiger Belly Slept Kingdom and we'll give you the first notes on when merch comes out and everything else,

or just head over to sleptkingdom.com and keep refreshing. And George, where can we send our questions into Tiger Belly? Oh, just send them to adviceunhelpful at gmail.com. We're looking for video questions as well, if you're brave, so. Just send them to advice. Yeah, send them to adviceunhelpful.com

and if you're doing a video, put in the subject line, video. And guess what? You have first preference. So if you send a video, we'll probably look at those first before any other emails. We love you guys so much. Thank you for listening to this guest podcast of Bert Kreischer.

I thought it was one of the best episodes of the year. Really fun stuff. Make sure you follow George at George underscore Kimmel, Bobby at Bobby Lee Live, Clally, Clam, DK, myself, at Gilbets, and follow Tiger Belly on Instagram and Twitter. We love you guys so much. Goodnight. Good night.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Barely Ad-Free on Amazon Music. Follow the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen Ad-Free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcast. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com.