TigerBelly - Ep 289: Tom Segura & The Hook Up

Episode Date: March 24, 2021

Bobby makes love to Michael Phelps. Tom shows off his advanced podcasting techniques. Khalyla chooses Bert Kreischer, Gilbert, and Jamar Neighbors. We talk Catholics, closets, running from comedy, and the Austin exodus. We also play the first-ever edition of the 'Podcast Co-host, Life Companion, Lover' game. Please support our sponsors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly ad free on Amazon music download the app today So keep it on it create the phone you don't know you want a fancy coffee. You don't even know that No, but you you came in here like I didn't come in here like anything. Oh you came here with your fucking sports car Vroom vroom vroom vroom Latino music Seeing how fast it goes and then you look at me and you go. What's your beverage situation? Which I've never been asked before and then I'm like, what do you mean? He's like I need fancy fancy not just water fancy water

So if we had like Fiji, he would have just not probably not drank it And then he's like he want he wants fancy coffee. So I go, here's my options I Woke up in a really fucked up move. I don't know what it was when you say woke up because it's Yeah, we're well put your earphones on you don't have to you don't have to you can do whatever you want. I'll do this for now Yeah, yeah Yeah, no, it's when you say I woke up. Just yeah, give me give me a fucking General overview of when you woke up. I will because it's unique to 40 Jesus

Christ, that's really That's early for me Considering that the hour sprung forward, right? So right technically it's one for all right. Can I defend myself and you and you? What time did you wake up? No, that's not true. I woke up at noon, babe. Yeah, you were laying next to me Yeah, I'm on my phone. She's up. No, I looked over and you were doing your fuck. You were doing your sleepy sleep I don't see her Because we have a fancy guest you to see fans. I wake up regular people time. Yeah. Yeah, yeah

Oh, and then how do I know it's been I mean cuz you guys been together years now. How about like Do you just fully accept? The other way that's so you do you accept I resign. Yeah resigned. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, it's funny even with my behaviors and my laxadaisical way about me still Tom I do think he's still can build the kingdom crazy Crazy you think what I think it's biological because There isn't besides maybe your dad your mom and your brother are laxadaisical. Um, they're night dwellers. Okay. Yeah

I was can I defend myself? I love I love what you're doing right now. And that's that that what I'm doing right now What you're doing right now is you're being a professional podcaster. Oh, and you're and you're switching it. Okay. Yeah, like as if this is yours Oh, yeah, yeah, which is fine. Which is fine, right? I allow it. I'll allow it, right? But it's very professional very it's very diabolical. It's it's advanced. It's advanced podcasting. It's advanced podcast Someone's a veteran go ahead. I get it. I get it. But also for me. I can also identify it. Okay I know I identify what you're doing because I too am a veteran. You're like, I've seen this training. Yay I got you. So, um, but I'm gonna allow it to happen. So I will because I like you so much. Thanks

So what can I defend myself? So, um, Monday morning, um, I had to do some a job at I had to wake up at six in the morning All right, I had to do a real stressful job for about four hours, right only fans. No, it wasn't only friends I was um, have you heard of the band the band the band the game Crash Bandicoot? Oh, of course, right. So they're launching a mobile, you know version of the game and they and I launched it with King The developers that did Candy Crush. Yeah, they're doing all right. They're killing it. Yeah. Yeah, you ever you've heard of Candy Crush So I had to all week it long rehearsed last week rehearsals It's a whole very technical thing. It was stressing me out. Be honest, right? I was yeah, it's stressing me the fuck out

I was stressed out. I was making him look like What did you have to do for these right here are you cards? Wait, are these lines you had to read? It's when I had to say certain things because it's everything's like on zoom and like okay, right help launch the game though Yes, my point my point. I don't want to get into that But I'm gonna send you a video of what Bobby looks like when he wakes up and we can watch it later Okay, okay, so well, why would you tape me when I'm waking up that that that? No, no, no You were walking out of the room Tom's asking how generally it goes down and I think this video is if I wake up and your video Tapping me. I don't think oh, I have a collection. What do you do? Don't do it. Sores everything, but hey

All right, what are you sleeping? It's pussy. By the way, it's pussy you pulled it out on the driveway You did again. That was his car. I never did okay Oh, it's so funny. I feel like is that advanced podcasting? I work for you to try to cancel some Very advanced. Oh, there's a few Yeah, yeah Did I pull it out? No, I was you know, I'll say this while he was pulling up. I was scratching my junk

Okay, that makes sense that on my own property that translates on my own property It does and by the way, the only reason I brought up it wasn't like a diabolical thing It was just I was just kind of thinking about the 4 p.m. Call time and how unique it is What do you mean? So what time do you start your podcast? Well, we record we start both at 10 a.m Usually the big ones and then sometimes 11 sometimes I have a guess right at noon I remember when we had you guys and I spoke to one of you that was like, I don't know about getting at one. I was like, what are you talking about?

They're like, I don't know man. One. Can you do three? And I was like, what did we do it though? What time did we do it? You did you did show up? You look like you were fucking on heroin, but yeah, I mean But you know, I want to defend myself again. Um Do do I show up to things like do let me just let me don't point Let me just finish. All right. Number one. I'm just trying to justify my my my my lifestyle Okay, so do I show up to things? I do. There's never a no show. There you go If not, honestly, if there's a no if I'm if I'm shooting a show, right? Like when I'm doing the Magnum in Hawaii, sometimes they go, all right 5 30 in the morning call time

And you're there. I'm there. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't slept You're like this is like krisher with the drinking people are like, man You drink and the drinking and then it's like if you need him there at 6 a.m. He's fucking there. Yeah, right there He's early. Right. So now if now if my lifestyle interferes with my duties, yes, right, then I'll address it Then I'll address it. Okay. So let's start with the podcast in the right way. All right. Um, do the countdown five four three two Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. I'm in a bad mood. You are. Oh, I don't say anything yet. Um, I'm in a bad I woke up bro dance techniques. I know I woke up, right? And what opened my eyes? It was just like I was inundated with like a lot of

Texas and you have to do this you have to do that and then like why isn't this happening this and that, right? And I just didn't sleep that well, you know, because I saw the fourth Woody Allen thing rub me the wrong way I think he did it. Oh I think he did it. You know me And that little fucking the little what's it the Moses the his Korean son He's Korean son. What a betrayer That's why Koreans betraying people all the time in things the two Koreans in the family. Yeah, the two Koreans are betrayers So I saw that last time I don't think I should have seen it because you know, I'm a big

I was a huge Woody Allen fan and we talked about it before on the show But um and now I can no longer be one. It's just I'm mad. I'm over it And so anyways, I saw that woke up and all that and then you and I got a religious fight Hmm, you know, I mean we talked about Catholicism. We got a fight because even though I don't have any facts backing up my data What was your main argument for? Wait, wait, wait. We're gonna wait for Tom. So anyway, let's introduce the our guest. Um I've said this before, um, you know, I've never had a stranger be so generous before and And I feel like because he was so generous

the first time I ever met him, and because he was just so wholesome and just a good guy, you know, that he can get away with talking to me in a certain way now and treating me in a certain way now and looking down on me in a certain way now. And I'm like, you know, and I regret our first meeting because now he has his power over me,

but, you know, I still, you know what? I acknowledge his skills as a podcaster. He does numbers for us. You know what I mean? He does great numbers for us. I love his wife, you know what I mean? I briefly met his children. I did a wave, and I think I did one of these

to one of the kids, you know, and they kind of looked at me like, oh my God, it's a Chinese guy or whatever they're thinking, you know what I mean? But, so let's introduce him, Tom Segura, everybody. You may talk. Thank you, it's good to be back in the,

well, not back, but into the new spot. This is fucking impressive, man. This is impressive. You guys really did it. Yeah, we've been here for over a year. You haven't been here. That's weird. No, it's a whole invitation kind of thing

that has to happen. I get it, I get it. I got it, and it's impressive. Yeah, congratulations. Thank you so much. This is your second time? I thought, I've done it before at the old place, and twice.

Twice, you actually, he didn't do it in the old studio, the old new studio. Yeah. We have three, this is our third studio. Okay, there you go. Wait, he did it in the little room? He missed it. Oh, he didn't show up.

No, no, we just, he didn't get a chance to do it because of COVID, like we had, it was only four hours. We moved here before I could. My bad, my bad, all right. But this spot is nice, man. This is, you guys are killing it. We were gonna need, live, live toward you. We were looking at houses toward you.

Oh, really? But we just settled on this. It's just closer to, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like the clubs and whatnot. It's great, it's great. Thank you. It won't open for many years, that's great.

Well, have you done stand-up yet? Yeah, I've been going on the road. Oh, what's that been like? Amazing, it's awesome. I did Palm Beach a couple of weeks ago. I'm doing Phoenix this weekend, Omaha next weekend. Were you doing Phoenix Live this weekend? Yeah.

Is it full capacity? No. Oh. Half cap. Half cap. Yeah, and they have like, you know, a bunch of COVID regulations like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But what I'm saying about that though is, I haven't said anything about it yet, but what I'm about to say about that, sorry, is that, you know, for me to do the road, I would, my assent of, although I love performing and I love seeing my fans, is to make as much money as I possibly can. And with half the room.

Yeah. Where's the assent of there? I mean, to me, I'm not doing it for money. Like so. Oh, all right, my bad. No, I'm saying like, I'm doing it because I know I have a tour that's supposed to start,

supposed to start in September. So I just want to get a bunch of reps because if that tour happens, it'll be a full capacity, you know, big venues. So I just want to make sure I'm not like rusty going into that, you know. You guys should be doing that. Yeah.

The money's still, by the way, it's still like, it's not, it's not full cap money, but it's like, you're still getting a pretty good check. Yeah. So are you doing new jokes on those dates? Yeah. It's a new tour.

So I'm just working on new material. Let me ask you this. In a half capacity room, and you're doing new jokes, do you bomb sometimes or no? There's stuff that like clear, like the joke doesn't work. Yeah.

So I mean, it doesn't like fully bomb. But I mean, it's like, you go, all right, these, these need work. And then you realize what's getting tighter and better. And then new stuff has come up, you know, like stuff that I wasn't even planning on doing. So it's definitely worth it, man. I would do it if I were you.

Oh, maybe I should. And by the way, I mean, Phoenix, come on, man. It's an hour flight. It's so easy. Yeah, my parents, my mom lives there. Oh, Jesus Christ. Let me think about it. Yeah.

Does Tempe open? They are open because they, yes, they are open. I'll do half room Tempe maybe. There you go. Yeah. And call it New Joke Weekend. Yeah. Mine says it on the ticket, working out new material.

Oh, really? Yeah. Are you bringing strong openers? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just tell my openers, if I hear anything I've heard before, you're fired.

Dude, they're so pumped. The audiences are so jacked, you know, to be out. People haven't gone out in so long. They're like, they're really fired up. Oh my God. I think I'm missing out then. Because my whole thing was like, I'm going to wait until the country completely opens back up.

But now it's like, I have a date in September that had to move because I'm like, if we open up in August or whatever, like fully open, and I go in to do an hour in September with nothing in front of a full room. Yeah. Oh my God, the panic. You don't want that.

You don't want that. Oh, the panic. Can you, oh. Just fucking call your agent right now. No, I'll do it later. I don't think about it. Who the fuck are pressuring me into something? Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So are you religious? No, but I was raised by two pretty devout Catholics. Oh, thank God. We can have this discussion. Now we can have this discussion, okay? So Mike. I always raise Catholics.

Yeah, I mean, I have a South American mother, so that's kind of like to the 10th power Catholic, you know? Like we get in the car, if it's a drive that's longer than 10 minutes, we're praying the rosary in the car, you know? Right, every time you pass a church, you do sign of a cross. Yeah, yeah, it's, go ahead.

What was you, what were you gonna, what was the big fight about earlier? You say a single disparaging fucking word. Good, good. No, it's just because I'm not a Catholic, because I wasn't raised Christians, right? I had just certain ideas about, you know, religions. Yeah.

I mean, and so for me, I always thought that there was a complete and utter gap or difference between, you know, modern day, born-again Christianity and Catholicism. There is. There is, but that wasn't what you said earlier. He said that Catholicism wasn't a branch of Christianity and I was like, no, it absolutely is.

It's the foundation of Christianity. Everybody started to split with Protestantism, with Martin Luther. Of course, I understand it. I understand the fact that they... But he was screaming about it. I was screaming about it and I just, please don't rewrite history.

Like the Catholics did. All right, like the Catholics did, okay? So what I'm just saying is, because I always found that born-again Christians, right, just, because I've met them, obviously. Can we admit that? Just born again? I've lived with them before, you know what I mean?

Whereas, you know, one time I was living with this red-headed guy, which gave me a weird clue. But anyway, he, I don't know if I told you this, but I left a Hustler magazine out, just out in the living room. And he is a born-again Christian. And I came home one day and he was crying. He was crying and he had the hustle in his hand

and he was crying. And he goes, how dare you? And I go, what, bro? You can look at it, right? And he goes, no, I masturbated to this and I sinned. And I would've done it if this wasn't out in the living room. Yeah, this is the same fucker that used to fucking take my sunny delight.

And he bought sunny delight and he would put a measuring line so that I wouldn't drink it. Santino? No, it was, it was, it sounds like a Santino, right? And so what I would do is I would fill it with water every time I drank it in the light, right? So eventually it was just water, right? You know, so, you were giving him half the sugar.

Right, so he, you know what I mean, like moved out because I left a hustler magazine out. That prompted him to move out. Right, so he was a born-again, he was like devout. Like he did, you know what I mean, the harvest. Was he a video overdose? Was he like an addict? Or usually these people get into that.

I got arrested, you know? No, but then I lived with a Catholic guy, right? And we would watch porn together. You know what I mean, like side-by-side laptops, you know what I mean, we just jerk off together. I mean, he didn't care. There's usually like a real like generational difference between like our parents Catholicism

and like their, their us, like the children of them, you know what I mean? Like for the most part, that's a whole different climate, culture, environment, everything. I mean, that's, that was normal. I'm talking people who are now in their 70s and stuff. They would get married virgins, you know, like follow,

like buy the book, but it's a different type of like wholesome environment. Like the real foundation of family and the church was like their, the place where they went for everything. So they, that's where they got their advice. That's where they got their friends, you know, that was their universe. And I think as time went on, their children meaning us,

it's just, I mean, the world developed differently. And we were, we were brought up in a world where you question things, right? Like they didn't question what the priest, the priest was in charge. He's like the patriarch of entire communities. And like now, you know, we're raised in a world where you're like, the fuck is this shit?

Yeah. And it's, and it's encouraged to question things and be like, that sounds like bullshit. And it's just such a different thing to compare. Yeah, but what I'm saying is, is that generationally Catholics, right, the younger generation, whether they're changing or whether they have different kind of outlooks and views and when I get that right,

but I don't see like devout, born-again Christians, their generation changing. They're a lot more devout. Oh, I see that. Yeah, I see what you're saying. There's no open room for growth or a different outlook. Yeah. It's still a lot of Catholicism in the Philippines.

Like to the point where, you know, it's still like, homosexuality is still not a thing. Women's like, all like reproductive rights are still not a thing. Like it's still very old school back there. It's a very fear based. Yeah, totally. Like think, it works to more in underdeveloped,

less educated places. When you think about, you know, like my mom's from Peru, definitely like underdeveloped in many ways. And like when you're from like that type of place and they go, God is watching and be in fear of what he may do, that is effective to keep people in line, keep people hopeful, keep them thinking that like, you know, the poor will inherit the earth and like,

and follow these rules, all that shit, you know, that doesn't play in. Can I make another point? Yeah. Because it just came into my mind, right? So in Catholicism, in the Philippines, for instance, right? Do Catholics kill gays there? Or do they think that gays should deserve to be dead?

Yes, some. Some. So do they hunt them down? It's like a mortal sin. They hunt them down. Well, no, like they're not safe sometimes. Right. Because born again, Christians went into Nigeria

and some of these African countries and taught that like, and they make laws. That's different. They make laws saying that if you're gay, that you're going to, we're going to kill you. If you look at when my mom tells stories about how she had gay friends growing up, they were always beat up.

First of all, you know what I mean? It turns out I did a test on bad friends. And in this, I fill out a little questionnaire. It turns out I'm 44. How was it? 41%? I'm 41% bisexual. Oh, wow.

Do you think that if you have sex with a guy that you're gay, just for doing that? No. Okay. Do you think? No, you're not. No, but do you think? Huh?

Have you ever had sex with a guy? No. You've never sucked a guy off? Mm-mm. Never fondled a guy. Have you ever been a bottom? Never. No.

Never desire? No. Curiosity. How about this? No, but we talked to a doctor. We talked to this guy, this doctor who he was like, that's his specialty is like men's fluid sexuality. And he was like, yeah, no, like he sees,

he said his primary practice is seeing basically straight guys who have engaged in gay, you know, activity. And they're like, oh my gay. And he's like, no, like he has a whole obviously like series of criteria and questions to like, you know, but you have, right? Yeah, but in every time I've done it is through drunkenness. Yeah.

You know, I have to be really drunk to do it. And desperation. And I was a kid. Drunk gay. I never did it before under the age over. Have you done it since you guys been together? No. No.

I don't know. No, I'm telling you no, no. The last gay experience I had was probably 16. Okay. Okay. Do you ever think about it? No, I never think about it. Do you ever think about it?

I don't think about dick. Do you think about it while you're making love? No, I don't think about, oh, but I have to do it. Oh, Tom Hardy, I don't think that. Tom Segura. Tom Segura, yeah, sometimes. But I never think of like another guy I've ever, no guys, now when you're at the beach.

Oh my God, I'm not. When you're at the beach and there's good looking people walking around. Do you check out guys? He does. No. No. Oh my God, you guys are so crazy.

You do. I don't check out guys. What I do is this. That's all you do. Look at him, baby. He's so cute. Look at his baby. I don't do that.

I don't do that. That's ridiculous. Can I say this? Well, first of all, would it be weird if I was at the beach and I looked at hot chicks and look at that ass to you? I would either way. You know, I'm just saying, I just find that to be.

Yeah, guys who do that too much, I feel are gay. Disrespectful. Oh, like over the top. One time I met a guy who's famous and I can't tell you who, but I'll tell you often. Can I guess? No. Okay.

I'm really good at this game. Can we guess that he's a movie star? He's not a movie star, but don't keep asking. No, no, no. Is he comedian? Stop. No, no, no, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. What we're asking, right?

We're not gonna, after you answer this one question, this, it's not like, it's not a floodgate situation. We're gonna ask one thing. I just need to know what he does for a living. And that's all. I don't want to know anything else. So is he a comedian? He's in the entertainment business.

Is he a comedian? He's on camera. Okay. Podcaster. No. That's what he says. So I'm meeting this guy. Someone we know.

I'm meeting this dude who's a well-known person. And as I'm, before I meet him, like, he's down the hall, right? And I'm talking to somebody. He's like, oh, you're gonna, he's like, oh, you know, someone's here. I'm like, oh, cool. And he goes, he's a, pretends that he's not gay.

Like, makes a joke about it. And I was like, okay, like, I don't care. But he's like, it's pretty funny. I know what he's saying. He just says that. And I go, and I go, okay. I meet the guy. And as I meet him, I'm like, hey, what's up?

And he goes, oh, what'd you do last night? And I was like, oh, you know, got in here, we had dinner. And he goes, oh, yeah, I was with this girl last night. And I go, oh, cool. Like, first of all, I just met him. You know, it's not like your buddy and you're like, you hook up last.

I just met him. He's like, yeah, I was with this girl last night. And I was like, oh, cool. He was like, I mean, I ate her pussy. And he goes, I could, I could eat that shit all night. And I was like, oh. And I was like, who the fuck talks like, like, nobody goes, I eat that shit all night.

And I was like, yeah, it was a good. He was like, he's like, yeah, man, I just love it. You know, I just love doing that. And I was like, mm-hmm. And so we talked for a moment. And then I stopped talking to him and I talked to my friend. I was like, that dude is definitely, yeah. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, it was hilarious. That overt kind of like always wanting to talk about chicks all the time. But I used to do that. Especially, really? Yeah, because when I was, so when I was. How old were you though? Young.

But no, no, no, no, no, but when I was 23 was the first time I made love to a woman, right? Like, ate her pussy. That wasn't a prostitute. Okay. Okay. This is when I did stand. What?

Go ahead. What's, is that funny to you? Because you know what? It's so funny that you make that face because, you know, I see photos of you. Sometimes you'll post it or Christine, your wife will post it. Christine, yeah.

Christina, and I'll see a young Tom Seguro photo. And you know, oddly enough, you're a very handsome guy. You're a football player, right? And God bless you that you were born with those genetics. All right? But let me say something right now. Some of us, some of us weren't born with those gifts. All right?

Okay, okay. I got fucked genetically, all right? My parents both look like mythological creatures. All right? And I was gonna be born like this. My brother's fucked as well, all right? No, your brother's really cute. Very small, but cute.

Big lips, big butt. Just back me up for once, okay? He is cute. He is very cute. So anyway, I never had sex with anybody until I was 23. So then one night, I was at a club, I was doing stand up, right? And a girl just goes, yeah, I'll fuck you.

You know, me basically. Yeah. I couldn't believe it. Yeah. So then after that, I would be at work, you know, oh man. I would like brag about it. Yeah, but oh man, I had so much pussy last night. That's true.

I was, bro, I ate a bug hole, man. It was crazy. And like people are like, this is before like, you know, what did they work, what did they call it? Correct, yeah. The context you gave it makes it add up. You know what I mean? There's a difference between the story I was telling

and the fact that you were basically a late bloomer. You were so excited that you finally got to have this experience you're talking about all the time. That doesn't register the same way this guy. This guy's a grown ass man. You know what happens to guys like that? The most abusive relationship I've ever been in was with a closeted gay guy.

Really? Oh my God, not only did he beat me, like he punched me in the face, but he cheated on me so many times. And he was like a fucking just a monster. But soon after that, people would tell me like, dudes would be like, oh, like, you know that, you know, I've been with a dude.

Can I ask you a question about that? Like, and I don't mean, I'm not trying to like, purve out on you. But when you're dating a guy who's gay, right, closeted gay, is it no, can he get aroused by being with a woman normal? Yeah, so what I found a little sus was that it always had to be face down.

Okay. And it always, he did this thing where he was like, he would be like, get, like, in other words, put you in that, like, you. Yes, he would, it was always his preferred. And on top of that, like, it was never like, even flat prison style. Like he would, if I was flat on my face,

like my body was flat, he would straddle me like a horse. Oh. Like he would like, fuck like this. Like as if I was just, it was weird. And that was the regular, that was the routine. That was just the routine. Wow. He would do it face to face eventually, right?

Sometimes? Only for like, what he had to do. I imagine when his face, when he did face to face, he'd be like. Okay. That was better. I found it. Face down to five, but with face to face.

I don't want to look at your busted ass face. I found it interesting that, you know, at 22, I was really a buff athlete. I have androgynous features. I do have kind of like, kind of like a boyish kind of physique. So I think he was really into that. I'm definitely confused at this part, but yeah. Okay.

She has a swimmer's body. Yeah, the swimmer's body, big back. Okay. Yeah. All right. At 22, especially, I was just, you know. Jacked. Jacked.

Okay. Not saying that when I'm making love to him, I'm not like going, oh, it's Michael Phelps. I'm not doing that. By the way, I'm not doing that. All right. Let's be clear. FYI.

Let's be clear. Let's be clear. You're kind of like, this is a back of a warrior. But I do hang on her shoulders, like, you know, those barrel monkeys. Yeah. Can she pick you up? Throw you around.

Oh my God. I could pick them up. You could stand up, brush her teeth. I'm still there. You know what I mean? I hold them on my hip like a bee. Can I do chores around that? It's like koala, yeah.

How much do you weigh, Bobby? Oh no. Man, 175. Wow. It's, I'm getting dyah. You didn't dyah? I'm getting the dyah, yeah. The betas?

I could feel it. I got a change. Not today. Not today. Not today. Another day. But it's eventually, I could feel it coming. It's like, you know, when I was like,

when I would be on a drug binge and I just knew that inevitably I could see the future, right, and go, this is the line and I'm getting there. And so I'm getting there with food. What is your big indulgence? Oh my God. Take out. It's because the pen never fucked me up.

Is there like a lane of it? You know what I mean? Lately it's been just barbecue. Barbecue. Barbecue. Hot dogs. Hot dogs. Hot dogs.

You're probably like me. I can't do it. Winging it. I need structure. I told her, I go, get me a nutritionist. Oh no, that's not what you said. I said, can I get you a nutritionist? What's the difference?

What's the difference if fucking you said, and I said yes. Because you've got to want to do it. Yeah, I want to do it. I said, get me a fucking nutritionist. What's the difference? I said yes to it. No, I don't think you're ready. He's not ready.

He's not ready. The day he asks me to call the nutritionist is when I'll believe him. Okay. That's a good point. That's a good point. Okay, I'll say this right now. I can't keep offering you solutions.

You've got to offer me solutions. I'm going to give you a solution right now, okay? Yeah. And don't get abusive. Go ahead. I'm not going to. Okay. I'm saying it out loud, and this is on fact,

because the podcast, it's a fact, that I'm saying it out loud to the people. Okay. All right. Next Monday, call me a nutritionist. Okay, Monday. Got it. Copy.

I need a week. I'm going to go crazy this week, though. That's cool. Go on your bender. I'm going to go hog wild this week. He's been on a two-year bender. No, I'm going to go extra. You know what I mean?

Okay, well, then you'll die before Monday. Yeah, I may. I may. But if I can make it to Monday. Okay, right. Who do you replace Bobby with? Like, out of the gate. Like, it's like Sunday night.

You're like, you reach over and you're like, hey, tomorrow the nutrition. And he's just like, so like, how do you? Oh, God. And I want to also say this, whatever you say, I'm not going to be offended. You know, if I'm dead. If I'm going for numbers or do I want company?

Like, that's a piece. Oh, that's such a good, okay. Let's play both. Okay. Let's play both. So who's your numbers co-host? My numbers is, it's, I love Bert. Yeah.

Bert's easy. We have the same, you know, hobbies. Great dynamic, great chemistry together. Yep. Yeah, so Bert. You have same hobbies? Hobbies, like we love the water a lot. Also, he talks so much.

So I'd have to talk so little and I love that. I do a podcast with him. I know. And so. It's an easy ride where you're just like, hey, all right, I'll just sit here for a while. Okay, so there's your numbers guy. That's my numbers guy.

And also my, yeah. In terms of. Company. Company. Yeah. Oh God, probably one of these two fuckers. Really? Yeah.

Well, that's sexual. Sexual. Oh, Rick Glass. Oh, we're talking about sexual or podcasting. I was, I mean, we can add sex. Sure. Okay. No, what I'm, what I want to know is who you would do

podcast with. Well, that's what we did. We did, we already did that. So then who, who's going to replace. These are companions. Yeah. Now replace me sexually as a lover. Does it have to be, I would run,

I'm running away from this community and industry as a post. I wouldn't fuck with a comedian. To make up a guy, what he had. But if I had to choose a comedian, if I had to, a gun, a gun wouldn't necessarily even need to be in my head, but it would absolutely be Jamar neighbors.

Okay. Interesting. I love him. I find him so attractive. Jamar neighbors. You would have him right. That would be my guy. Different.

Yeah. No, I see a lot of similarities. Let's go through them. Why? No, cause I'm going to be honest with Jamar neighbors is a shock to me. Is it? It's just he's muscular.

So muscular. Like he's way more muscular than I am. And he doesn't have to try. It's just there. Oh yeah. That's great. He's just fucking jacked. He's jacked.

He's also much younger. He's weird like you. Yeah. He is weird like it, but he's, but his body. Yeah. He, you know what? It's funny when me and Jamar get neighbors get in a room.

We don't know what to say to each other. Yeah. We're just kind of like, cause we, I feel like we see each other's, you know what I mean? Like a mirror. Like it's a mirror. And also we also know our defense mechanism. Does Jamar even know, does he know this at all?

No. No, he doesn't. He is so going to J his D. So hard to this. Yeah. Yeah. Jamar neighbors. Ask me now.

Okay. All right. So, you know, later today, Klai is walking down the stairs. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, she falls down on my neck's broken. And then you throw her in the pool. And then you need,

you need a podcast host, co-host, a companion and a lover. Okay. Podcast host, it has to be a woman, right? Yes. Okay. So a podcast host. Co-host, you gotta be regularly working with her.

It's gotta be a week, like someone you can do weekly show with. I will probably do it with Sarah. That would be my choice. Sarah. His ex. My ex, Sarah. She's lovely.

Also very kind. She's crazy. And I also know her weirdness. Okay. Nice. And she's an easy. Yeah. I would, I would, my dad's self would.

She's married. She, she, you know, Sarah was a lesbian before I met her. She dated me. And then she married a woman. Okay. So I kind of, I was like her experimental.

She's like, no, I think this is disgusting. What if like, she just finds out, she's definitely straight, but you just set her off on site. That could be, that could be, that could be. All right. So Sarah is your co-host. Now you need a companion.

Someone to hang out with. To hang out with. Whitney. Whitney is a good hang for you. Yeah. Because I like Whitney because I don't want, I can't say this out loud, but I know her, I know her game.

I know what you mean. You understand what I'm saying? Yes, I do. I know her game. And so I know where she's coming from. I also know some of the sabotage and her diabolical ways. Yeah.

You know what I mean? And her shadow play. Look, you don't get to where Whitney got without being calculated, savvy, sophisticated. I know what you're saying. And then who's your lover now? No comedian. Thank God.

But if it had gone to your head, I had to, I chose to come on. That's a fair, that's a fair point. That's so hard, babe. You have to. Oh God. I'll choose one. Probably an open mic-er.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I would need an open mic-er. And also someone who's kind of impressed, you know? Like you can be like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need that.

I need that, right? Right? Yeah, and she's like. Wow. I wanted to come into this podcast and go, oh, wow. You'd be like, you could do this too one day. Keep at it.

Keep at it, man. You know me, you know me. Oh wait, I wanna ask you something because you said something and I was trying to explain this to a single woman the other day. So she was talking to me about like dating and then she goes like,

oh, you know, something about setting me up with, setting her up with a male, a suitor, you know, a man. And I was like, I immediately go, well, I wouldn't set you up with any comedians. And she goes, why? And I couldn't explain. I was like, well, because, and I got stuck. I was like, cause they're fucking, you don't want it.

And she was like, what? What kind of explanation? I was like, I don't know. I just know that if I care about you, I wouldn't set you up with a comedian. I agree. But I don't know. I know why.

Why? I know why, because you're not gonna be the first love. Wait. Oh, interesting. Okay, our first love is the stage, right? And a lot of people can't, no, don't look at me that way. I didn't know I was watching you.

Right. I've gotten to the point of my life where I have, I can put three loves in the top space. You know what I mean? So I put you with my brother and my mom and stand up in the same kind of space. This is the love of your life. The loves of my life, right?

For a lot of comics, stand up will always be first, right? So that's number one. I thought about, by the way, if I were single right now, how like getting a woman to adjust to my normal life, I think that like 90% would be like, what the fuck? Imagine dating a girl. Who would you, who would be, who would you replace if something God forbid

happened to Christina and you had to? Who would you replace as your co-host and then your lover? Yeah, let's play the same game. But how does she die though? That's important too. Same as me. She just tripped down, you know,

a banana peel on the stairwell. And off a cliff. No, she, the Grand Canyon, Grand Canyon, she fell in the Grand Canyon. And then somebody accidentally kicked a rock and it hit her on the head when she was at the bottom of the hill. Oh, thought it through. Thought it through.

All right, so what do I need a co-host? I'm trying to think of the, cause I would want, I would want a podcast. You know what I mean? Like someone who's podcasting already. On numbers too. Oh, you gotta get numbers, yeah. Numbers.

Oh, I have to change mine then. No, but you're the numbers. Oh, that's right. Oh, Tom, you are also the numbers. You're the numbers. Okay. Who have I, I haven't even, we don't even have enough women on.

It's difficult. It could be anyone in your, your mom maybe, anyone in your life. She's shit. She's such a good podcaster. She's so funny. She'd be great. She actually could, could actually play.

It's funny you say that, because when I've had her on, like she plays the role perfectly of, here's the subject matter or the clip, cause we do a lot of clips and reacting in a usually upset way, which is kind of like the vibe, you know? Yeah.

So she would be awesome at that. As a companion. I can mean there's a few that I get along with. Just throw out there, baby. I'm trying to, I'm trying to think. I don't, I don't want to edit this podcast. Let's go. Come on. Oh man.

Who was a good? I mean, I don't have any. Oh Jesus. What? You think you're going to get in trouble if you just throw in a fucking, throw in a fucking name? No, I'm honestly trying to think of someone.

Give him choices like three, two, three. I'll give you two choices. Okay. Okay. Nikki Glaser. She's, she's great. She was, she was like an, first of all, she's a professional broadcaster.

Yeah. I would definitely co-host, hang with her anytime. Oh, that's, that's, that's, that's, I wanted a suggestion. Okay. Give me your second suggestion. Whitney. No. Sarah Tiana.

Sarah Tiana's fantastic. And I don't mean Whitney, no, disparagingly. I mean, like, I don't think that we would like, she's in charge of her show. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like she runs that show. So if she were on my show, I'd be like,

I got a good one. I'm a monkey. I've never hung out with her. Oh, okay. She's on SNL now, but. Huh? She's on SNL now, but. I'm not saying I wouldn't.

Okay. I'm saying I haven't. Wait, who did you say, who else did you say? Sarah Tiana. Yeah. Sarah, I've known her a long time. I could see that together. Yeah.

Now Sarah and I could, could also, could be my companion, like hang out all the time. Tom, could you ever date a woman that let's say, you know, your wife was in the picture. Yeah, yeah. She'd hang out by the bus. Yeah. She got back over by the bus.

You ever date a woman that says this, listen, I know you go on the road on the weekends, but you know, I don't want you performing Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights because that's, those are our nights. No, no, of course not. Of course not. That's what I'm saying.

If you were, if I were single now, that the person is whoever I'm dating is stepping into this universe. And like, it's not the other way. Cause I've had girls say that. No. Oh yeah. I've had girls go, you know,

you perform so much at nights. I get Monday and Tuesdays. No. And I'm like, all right. That's what, and then you're at the fucking Lemley watching some bullshit movies, holding hands when all your buddies are having fun.

Oh, there's no more. No, no. And also like, let's be real here. Like I'm hooking you the fuck up with this lifestyle. All right, thank you. Let's fucking cut the shit. Yeah. What do you work at?

Fucking Michael's Arts and Crafts. What are you telling me? What I'm doing fucking Tuesday night? Yeah. Get out of here. Is that how you felt? Like you were hooking me up? Don't pause that long.

Can I say something? Yeah. Because I know that he was gonna come in with that mindset. I already had a plan in place. You did? Oh yeah. Of course you did.

I said I was not gonna go to the comedy store for months and that he would have to drive to Long Beach to see me and I was not gonna enter his world at all. And did you go to the store? Cause I don't, I don't. I go, I literally never, I'm never there. And also in the beginning I went maybe. Tom.

Six months later. I hooked her up baby. Yeah. Yeah. Baby. I hooked her up. He did. He did.

I, I ride his coattails hard. Now I do. Now I can say that. But in the beginning. Listen, listen, okay. I could date a girl, right? And you know, I, you know, you can access me. Is that the right word?

Yeah, you're accessible. Yeah, I'm accessible, right? Yeah. But the thing is, is you have to have the talent and the know-how and the drive to do it, right? And Kalei loves the perfect example. She, you know what I mean? She has the ability.

Like, you know, we. I just busted his balls a little. No, you also developed into like a legit podcast talent. You know what I mean? Yeah. And you're actually, you, you probably started this feeling like, what do I do? Or kind of, but like now you're, you're right.

Like you're in, you're, you're part of, yeah. I've even dated comedians that wouldn't be able to do what you do. Definitely. You understand what I'm saying? So what I'm saying is, is that. Dude, there are high level comedians who suck at this. This is a different skill set.

Highly different skill set. High, high, high level comics. And that's why Annie and Esther, they're the ones that came to you, both zoomed you, right? Or whatever that was and said, can you please do a podcast with us? Right?

I mean, you don't get that. They're too credible. Yes. Female comedians. So it's like, you definitely took this ball and you ran with it. I did. So you did hook me up.

Yeah, I did. And I don't feel that to be gross. Wait, you have to fuck this. To go. That's the trade off. Now, why you said, if you weren't with Bobby, if God forbid a fucking safe was dropped on his neck when he was sleeping.

If God, and you're like, I would run from this comedy world. But why, why would you run from the comedy world? I think it just feels like, besides like the few good apples that I've met, and I'm just going to be fully transparent here. I don't find there's a whole lot of people with integrity in this business.

And I find them to be really slimy and snaky. And once they have like, it's almost like, everyone sort of got the poison in them. And they don't, there's a lack of awareness that they all have the poison in them. And they all kind of like fight each other and they're jealous of each other. It's just a world that like I'm barely tolerating

because the love of my life isn't it. But I try to keep as far away as possible. Like I don't. Like I said something last night that made you go. I don't like to listen to his like Hollywood. I said something last night that really triggered her and goes, why do you even, right? Do you ever?

I just don't give a shit about like celebrity. I don't give a shit about that. I don't care about these people. Do you ever, because now, because you're not, you might experience this more. I just experienced it recently where you go a long period of time only associating with like comics and people in our world.

And then like for whatever circumstances, either you travel or you're introduced to, you befriend people that are not. And you kind of go like, oh, I forgot that I'm in this like niche world all the time. And I think this is the universe. Then you step out of it and you're like, oh, it's refreshing.

Like it's refreshing to hang out with like people who don't give a fuck about ticket sales or jokes or anything like that. And then I kind of feel like, I'm like, oh, I want more of this. Like in other words, I want to, like I love having my comic friends, like hanging out with comedians is the most fun thing.

You know, it's like the best part of the store is yeah, performing, but it really is standing in the parking lot and shooting the shit with people. That is like, that's the part where I go home and how was the store? I'm like, oh yeah, good set. You know what happened? Bobby said that like I talk about the parking lot, you know?

But- It's not just the parking lot. My memories of stand up will always be, going to Green Blats with Delia, Eric Griffin, a lot of times we love food. And Santino or whatever. And then like sitting in Green Blats and all of a sudden like, I'm on one time,

there was this kid that opened for me in Houston, right? And he was just very new at comedy. And he goes, I'm going to come to LA, you know, in two months, I'll hit you up. You know, he didn't think that I would answer him, but I did. He came to the store and then we went to Green Blats and he's this kid, never been to LA before in his life.

And I'm sitting there with, you know, Eric Griffin, a bunch of people. And then all of a sudden like, Daniel Tash walked up to the table and we started ripping him apart. You start ripping us apart. And then Jamie Masada came and then there was all the Dom Marrera

and all these people came in and out, right? And it really made this kid like, wow, this is cool. And there was just something magical about it. And we're all, those moments, right, are what I'm going to always remember. I'm not going to remember the catty-ness of like, you know, I've been in the hallway of the comedy store in a comic walking in and just going,

all right, Bob, you're going to have to say hi. You know what I mean? I hate this person. You know what I mean? There's all that political bullshit that I do. You know what I mean? I wish I was better at that. I wish I could just be upfront, but you can't in this business.

It's tricky for you because I feel like you don't have friends outside of the business. That's exactly what I'm talking about. I know. It's like, I want it back to go real quick. I want him to kind of have these like genuine relationships with people because before I met him, like the reason I have no interest in this

is because my feel so fulfilled outside of this. Yes. Like I've had the same best friend since I was 14 years old. Like I have such a big community of just regular people that have, that do regular things and it's very fulfilling for me. I don't need this for anything.

Yeah, I want to show you this thread. Okay. Go ahead. I've been feeling this, this exactly what you're saying. So there was a kid that I grew up with. He lived, you know, walking distance from my house and he was one of my best buddies, just a lot of childhood memories.

And him and I, he's the same guy that like when, you know, his parents were at work, we would try to look for the porn that his dad had in this, you know what I mean? White guy? White guy, yeah, yeah. And he was the first guy, his brother had HIV and he died when I knew him as a kid.

So I knew about, you know what I mean, those issues and whatnot and he was, it destroyed my friend. And then as soon as I started doing show business, I just completely cut ties with him. Never talked to him. Cause you know, you're just in the rigman role of things, right?

Don't make that face. And on December 24th, I said, Merry Christmas. It's Bobby Lee. I found his number. And he responded, hey man, you too. I really enjoyed seeing you at the comedy store, dog, great show, whatever.

You're just, you know, small talk, but I am making an, I'm going to make an effort. I'm going to ask a very controversial question and you have to be honest with me and George. We may have to cut this out, but did you or did you not have sexual relations with? Cause that would mean you're flirting and trying to rekindle something.

All right, you put the note. Got it. Okay, stop, don't smile. Is this his advanced technique? Is this who Dick you sucked, right? Okay, stop for a second, stop for a second. Stop for a second, okay? George, all right.

So check. Is he doing this? Is he the one doing this? I don't know. I don't like to smile. I don't know what he's doing. So check it out. All right, let's be, I'm going to now for the,

and this is all cut out. All right, I'm going to be completely forthright and honest with the room. With Thomas. With everyone. I have nothing to hide. All right. And if I'm gay, I'm gay.

I'm not. All right, but I don't give a fuck. All right, so here's the thing. All right. I think, so now I don't give a fuck about this guy. He was right there right? Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to be able to do any of this,

but, you understand? Okay. Now we're going to take a long break. I one day give Bobby his punch and him out. scoring things. Yeah, the first thing that was out, right? So gets the first team hit,

first, we're gonna take a head. Now we're gonna take the head. Right? This is the one with Downs? No, he doesn't have Downs. No, this is, that happened when I was a kid. Okay, okay.

All right? And then one time we went on a school camping trip, right? And a nice happened to be in the same tent, right? And we kissed each other's penis for like three seconds. Oh, that's nothing. You all right? That's it. That's it.

You want to cut this stuff out of this? Yeah, because wife and kids, he doesn't have, No, we're just going to bleep. We'll just do a little bleep, but don't. No, no, no, no, we're cutting it out. Is this the part where like we go, and we're back? No, so what I'm saying is I'm trying with this guy.

Welcome back. Go ahead. I'm trying with this guy, but it's like, that's all the experiences I had, right? And the reason why, you know, people put a microscope on it, right? Is because of the fact that I believe that a lot of human beings have those kinds of experiences,

but they hide it and they don't talk about it. I think you're totally. And they're ashamed by it. And then so when I talk about it, it feels like it's like this gigantic elephant in the room, when it's just a common thing, I think. It is so common. I mean, I-

So I'm not going to feel weird about it. I think you're brave and vulnerable to actually be open about it and talk about it. I'm serious. I don't think a lot of people- You know why I do that? Because years ago, I was on YouTube and I was watching the Richard Pryor roast.

Yeah. Okay. And Richard was roasting all these people, right? And then he basically goes, also I had, I sucked a gay guy off, you know what I mean? Six months ago, I said it out, he said it out loud and he goes, and I just want to throw that out there so that, because I know Paul's trying to get a,

Paul Moon is going to use it against me one day, right? So that's what happened, right? So he just threw it out there. And when I was watching that, that was a comic. That was a young comic. And I was going, oh my God, that's just so honest. He took the power out of it too. The power out of it's also so honest

and there's something to be shameful about it, right? He's just being honest. There was a kid in my high school on the football team who was like a big jacked, like fucking, you know, a five star athlete. And he would, when like you'd have sleepovers, a bunch of guys kept saying that they would wake up in the middle of the night with his hand down their pants,

like fondling them. And he slept at my house like 50 times and never touched me. And I always was a little pissed about that. They're like, you're not even going to try to like, touch my thigh and like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But are you being real? I swear to God. And then my cousin was visiting one time,

staying at my house in the morning. He goes, do you know what you're fucking friended? He goes, I woke up, he had his hand in my pants. And I was like, I mean, seriously, dude, like this is like. Maybe he didn't do it to you because he thought you were gay. He thought I was gay? That he would take it the wrong way. I don't know.

What? I wonder, you just weren't his type. I was a little hurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But by the way, the friends outside of comedy, I think what's super appealing is that you know they don't want something from you. You know what I mean?

Like everybody in comedy kind of, kind of. I mean, obviously you associate with your peers and you guys can just have dinner, but a lot of the, like that world feels like it's for something, you know? Like even if you have something, someone will be like, it's me for coffee. Oh great, let's have coffee.

But at coffee, it's about this project or this thing that you, so it's like, it's fun to associate with people outside of comedy who like the last thing on their mind is something related to our business. Yeah, and also it's like, my friends treat me like shit. Yeah. I like that.

I like that they don't. I got such a rush from talking to a couple, like people recently who gave me shit. Like, and that was, and I was like, I was like ear to ear smiling. And they were like, I don't know, I was just like, you're giving me shit. You're giving me shit about something.

My best friend, she just knows, or a bunch of my girlfriends, they just know who I am. They know me for the stupid bitch that I am. And they, you know, they hold my feet to the fire. They don't just take anything from me. Yeah. That feels good. That feels really good.

Yeah. But I want it. You want it? I think you can have it. I'm gonna have it. And I swear to God, there's already two guys that I grew up with, that as soon as this pandemic is done, right,

there's gonna be some visits. There's gonna be some what? Visits. I'm gonna visit them or they're gonna visit me and I'm gonna reach out. One of them I used to be in a band with, we were talking about doing a reunion of our band. I'm gonna do that maybe.

And I'm gonna, I'm gonna do it. Tom, do you play an instrument? I just started taking piano lessons over the weekend. Why piano? And I had my second lesson today. Wow. Wow, how's that going? Do you have piano fingers?

I have a hand that doesn't even work. Oh, that's correct. Yes. So, no. Why do you want to learn that? I don't know. I just like, my son was taking lessons. And I kept walking by and I've never taken lessons before.

So I stopped one day and I was like, hey, I want to take a lesson. And she was like, okay. And I thought, and then I was like, all right. And she's gonna be like, you know, C major, it's gonna be, I was like, I guess I'll deal with it. But right away she was like, what kind of song? So I started sending her music

and then we're just working on the music that she sent. Oh, wow. It's fun. It's like, it's good to have another creative focus that has nothing to do with writing or like what we're used to. That's what I hate about you. What's that?

Always trying to grow and be better. No, it's like he births kind of in the same, in a way, the same, you know what I mean? Where it's like, when I look at this piece of shit, you know what I mean? You're a great guy, but it's like, you know, there's always like, you know, I'm doing this, you know what I mean, to grow or I'm doing this

because I want to get out of this rut or whatever. And it's like, you know, it's just a reminder that I'm not doing those things. And I don't know, I just feel like. You're up against something really big though, which is the built ADHD. And it really is hard to like put your focus somewhere, like a hundred percent.

It's hard for me too, by the way. I don't want to give you the impression that I easily focus because I'm, I mean, I'm not saying I have whatever you have, but I'm saying it is a struggle, like, you know, that resistance to like, I'm constantly fighting against. I can only do one thing at a time. Like for instance, I had two things to do this weekend.

You know, that Monday morning thing, but I had another urgent deadline to throw in this audition for a movie, right? Damn, these fucking auditions. Right. Have you been doing them? I did a few. And I was like, fuck you. Yeah.

I know it's like, I sent one in today and they're like, you forgot your headshot and your slate. Dude, I auditioned for a major franchise thing. And you can tell the flex of a, like a worldwide phenomenon hit by the instructions in the audition. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's what I have.

Like they're like, make sure you do this. If you don't do this, we'll just tell you to resend it. Like it says it in their instructions. Yeah. And it's like, slate this way, don't do that. Don't write something on the screen. Like just do this. Make sure the cuts are like this.

Make sure you tight. I'm like, this is like, and you go, no one auditions like sends you instructions like this. And then they go, yeah, but they're, they're very important. So that's why they, or sometimes they'll go sign this before we even send it to you. And you're like, oh, you did some confidentiality.

Like I'm going to fucking tweet this fucking thing. You know what I mean? Also, what today they were like, we need a headshot, right? We need your slate, which means slating is this. Before the audition, you have to go, hi, I'm Bobby Lee. I'm five four here on my profiles. You have to do your profiles, right?

The director of the movie is one of my best friends. Oh yeah. You still have to. You still have to. I have to slate. Hi, you know me for 25 years. Yeah, I want to say that. You've known me for 25 years, right?

But I'm going to do this because you're killing it in life, right? And I'm going to allow you to have the power to do this. And then, you know what I mean? Three years down the road is going to happen. I didn't get the part, right? Right. And he's going to say something like,

oh, you did good on that. This is fine. I'll do it, right? But it's just like doing it. It's a to do. Yeah. But I'm going to do it because that's the game. And I'm grateful.

I'm grateful to be here. And I'm going to try. There you go. Yeah. What's a good attitude? What movie was it for you? I don't want to say. Just say it and we'll bleep it.

Really? Yeah. It's just for a f***ing project. It's just. It's just for a f***ing project. It's the biggest, yeah. I can say, you know what I mean? What?

For that, I would f***ing. Should I suck f***ing dick? Yeah, I would have, too. Oh, really? Yeah. You did throw it in, though, right? That I'll suck his dick? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You did put in the audition. You have to. I did everything they asked to do. You have to try. You have to try. Of course. You have to try. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Do you think I'm going to get in trouble for even saying all that stuff? What stuff? What part? About, you know what I mean, this audition and stuff? No. No.

You're not going to get in trouble for that. No. By the way, this is amazing, I know it's one of my favorite things, I don't even know how you get it, because I try to look online. Where do you get it? Look along. Directly. Amazonal Senate? You're giving me a few before I f***ing leave, man.

Do you have any more? I've got one, but I'm just kidding. Get him another one. All right, make sure he gets another one. These are amazing. Yeah. You don't have to do that, man. Come on.

Come on, man. Those are incredible. But how amazing is it that, like, you know, I have to say this, and I kind of give, I said this last night, about Mark Maron. And I want to give him props, because he was one of the, for me, at least, he was a trailblazer when it comes to podcasting. Yeah. The way he got into podcasting, too, was, you know, just out of, you know, I mean, sheer desperation, you know. Is that how he got into it? Yeah, he was, you know, because I knew his wife, Mishna, and he got into divorce.

He went to the garage, he had suicidal thoughts, and then it clicked in his head, like, I could turn this into a podcast studio, you know what I mean? And then he kind of started doing it. And here's a guy who, the last movie he did a long, long time ago, when I saw him and was almost famous, he played a road manager or whatever. But he didn't work much after that, right? Right. And he's now in a situation where it's like, I don't know what else to do. He does the podcast, there's a following, and all of a sudden he's in everything.

He is in everything. Right. And so in my mind, I was like, well, that happened to us. Oh, right. You know, the ones after him, right? And it is happening. I mean, because I know the kind of shit that Theo's doing, the kind of people he's working with. I know the opportunities that I'm getting, the opportunities that you're getting, right?

And I think that we have to, you know, thank Joe, I think, and the guys like Mark for even doing this for. Do you think or no? Yeah, no, I mean, they essentially showed us a blueprint, right? It's a blueprint, yeah. I mean, and also they were, you know, Joe, for me, was like constantly encouraging me. Like not even currently, like he was like, you have to do this. This is 2009. And I was like, what are you even talking about, man?

Yeah, I did one of these with him on his couch in his office. And I was like, what is this? I used to go there. Remember he used to do it in the ice house? Yeah, I did. I used to drive over there to the ice house and. But I'm saying on the couch ones, we're talking. Wow.

I did the first five. Wow. Like of his show, I did one of the first five episodes and then I walked out and I was, you know, I was talking to Red Van. I was like, what are you guys doing? I just thought it was like when a rich guy has some like new shit he's trying to do. And you're like, that's good, you know, like, like his deprivation tank. And you're like, OK, you know, like that kind of thing where I was like, what?

And then I remember him saying like, people are listening. And I was like, how do you even know? Because we didn't have that right, right, right, right. He was like, he had a message board on his website. That's incredible. That's what Joe used to have. Like a message board on his website. And he was like, look at this.

And you could see all these people having conversations about what we spoke about. I was like, OK. And that went on for a year. He would, every time he's like, why don't you start a pie? Why don't you start a pie? I mean, you know, constantly. And then, yeah, I remember like the different like kind of iterations of his show evolving in different studios and all that stuff.

And, you know, it grew into a mammoth. But but you're right in that I wouldn't there's no way I would have started one when I did without him doing it. Yeah, I feel the same way. It's so funny because when we started ours, I remember calling CAA because I know that they had started a podcast division. And I remember going, hey, I'm starting one with my girlfriend. And they're like, yeah, we'll only do the big ones.

Yeah. So can you help us? No, just do it on your own. It's fine. Right. And then just us remember that. And then you and I just kind of go. I guess get no help.

I mean, and from people that rep me, you know what I'm still with. But you know, and we they so don't get it, though. Like we start. But now it's on my manager. Everyone's like, they're calling like, can we, you know, we we're trying to get you advertised. We have a fucking machine over there. They're trying to get us advertisements when we already did it.

I remember one time an agent being like, this is like not even that long ago. And like, you know, we have podcasts that are clearly, you know, people are watching and listening, generating revenue that's obvious. And they're like, they call me and they're like, how can we help? And I was like, with what? With the podcast. And I was like, I don't know what you mean. And they're like, yeah, how could we help like, you know, expand this?

And I was like, I don't know, what do you think you could do? Yeah, they're like, well, I'm just saying, like, if there's something you need, and I was like, I don't like, I mean, I'm open to your new idea. But are you calling me for me to give you an idea? All right. Like, that's what this sounds like. And then they're like the way they fish, because they're not privy to, so they're like, so like, what is it like, how many downloads for this?

And then they don't know CPM. Yeah, they're trying to calculate things. And they're like, yeah, so, okay, like, well, if you need help, we're right here. I'm like, oh, okay, I'll call you if I need help. Yeah, because they want to, because they don't get any of it. Yeah. That, you know, they don't get, if you help to me, right? And you, you know, I mean, you know, had anything to do with production

or getting me certain guests or this and that, right? But they weren't willing to do anything. Yeah. Right. If they did, I would even give them something, right? Well, I always tell them that because I had another call with a guy who, whatever, it just went on and on. And I was like, look, man, here's, here's, because I feel like we're talking in circles

kind of thing. I was like, if you bring me something that is worthwhile and we pursue, we can work something out, bring something to, to this, you know, because so far it was just conversations about like a bunch of what ifs. I'm like, okay, here are things that would be beneficial. Go make those things happen. And then, you know what? Well, me then, I'd be even willing to go with a deal with my agents and go get me

guests that no one can get. Yeah. Yeah. That, that you wrap. Have you, we tried that. Have you, did you ever hire a talent booker? No, a talent booker. No.

I hired one. Yes. Get it work. Well, it was horrible timing because we hired her in the whole, this whole agency right before the lockdown. So we were doing it. I was the same one. Yeah.

We were doing it. We did it. We did the same thing. Yeah. It didn't work. Yeah. So like, I mean, we both, we agree that like we could revisit this later. But the funny thing is like, you go into it with like a wish list, right?

Like, yeah. Like, if I'm gonna pay you to bring me guests, like, don't, don't call me with, hey, do you want to have Bobby? I'm like, I know, I know. No, but like, I don't mean, I'm saying like, don't bring me people whose number I have. You know what I mean? No, it's because Oliver Hudson, Oliver Hudson, who I had a podcast. Yeah.

His agent, his publicist keeps contacting me. Yeah. And I get, can you do please Oliver's podcast? And I call him directly. I go, well, you're a fucking guy. Stop fucking asking. Just call me. Yeah.

He goes, I didn't even know they were reaching out to you. Right. That's how snakey it is. Yes, they're sneaky. I mean, the flip side too is like when I had something to promote and the publicist starts like sending me podcasts. I'm like, hey, bro, I go, I can, I can call the five biggest comedy podcasts.

And like, you can stop sending me these. Yeah. Because he was sending me like, like new, like, you know what I mean? Like small. I was like, man, don't you want me to just go to Tiger Balli and Rogan? And he's like, oh yeah, if you can. That happened. I'm like, yeah, I can just do that on my head.

Wow. But the talent thing, the funny thing is I gave the wish list like an expanse of like these people reach out, you know, and like, we got answers on like this person's touring or this person's this, this person's interested. This person will be in LA at this time. And then they start going like, how about this person? And you're like, who the fuck is this? And they're like, this is like an author of what field is this person in?

Why would I want them on? And they're like, I don't know. So they start, they go like, would you consider other things? Which I'm not saying I'm completely opposed to, but you're like, no, no, no. Stick to the list. Like if it's not on the wish list, it better be close to the wish list. Otherwise. Yeah.

I want to know what's on your wish list. I'll show you the wish list. Please. Yeah, sure. I'll show you. Because if I asked for like Aiden Quinn and you get me like Kevin Bacon, I'd be like, all right. Sure.

Well, no, basically what I'm saying, if you gave, if I asked for like Arnold Schwarzenegger and you give me Sylvester Stallone, right? I'm not going to be like, you're not doing your job. But you're asking for Arnold Schwarzenegger and they're giving you like some guy that owns a gym down the street. Yeah. That's a problem. That's a problem.

Yeah, I agree. Yeah. Tom, is your arm doing better? Yeah. I mean, you know. Oh, that's right. You almost died. The nerves are good.

So the nerve. You almost died. Yeah. The nerve is bruised. It's not damaged. So it'll come back. But like, you know, I can grip. Yeah.

But they're called your extenders. Yeah. And I can't extend this handle. Mm. I don't know. Do you, do you, does it still, because I know nerve pain and nerve issues is probably one of the most annoying shit to deal with. It's numb.

Mm. So like, this is all numb. Yeah. Right here. I don't have like shooting nerve pain or anything. Oh, thank God. But like, it's annoying because you just go like, you want to go grab something and I can't. Like, I literally can't.

You know, I, I, one of my weird anxiety things, things that I, I can throw me into a full panic because, because I used to have breast implants and they were double D's and I took them out. You had double D. Double D. You were nice. You hated them. I mean. Wait, you had them when you were together?

Um, yeah. Yeah. When she, I met her and she didn't have them. And then he begged me not to get them. He's like, I like little Kiwi titties. Like, please don't get them. And I was like. And then she got them anyway because she didn't really know me that well.

Really? Like it was early on? Yeah. I was like, well, you know, I don't know how, how long this guy is going to stick around. Like I'm going to need these titties to parlay, you know, some kind of success in my life. Right. And then I took them out because I just hated them. I hated the way I felt in them.

But it caused a lot of like nerve damage in like the center of my chest. So I don't have sensation here. So when I touch that area and I don't feel anything, it, it likes, I spiral into a panic because I'm like, put that skin and how come I can't like, I don't like not having sensation. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's, it is a, it's a weird, it is a weird sensation. The, the hand thing, because the knee, like, you know, I'm, I can walk and go upstairs and downstairs now because I tore this tendon, you know, completely.

That one, that as crazy as it is, it's like, easy fix. You're cyborg and that's good. You just know, like, I know it's not stable yet because it takes, it's going to take like a full year to get the quads back to where they were. But the hand thing, like the arm, you know, I have a huge, I have titanium plates in my arm. So, so like that part, I'm not even, that's fine. Like I can, you know, I can pick things up. I can move like, but I can't, like the nerve makes it so that I can't

extend my hand. Yeah. Can't do it. I have a question. I have a question. Yeah. I don't even know what happened. For real?

Yeah. I knew, I saw it, you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, I didn't see this. Oh my. Bobby, you've never seen this. You've never seen this, Bobby? Let's look at his arm.

Oh my fucking God, dude. He's never, oh my fucking God. You've never seen this. Oh my God, Bobby. Oh my fucking God. He knew you broke something, but he didn't see the video. No, I saw Annie Letterman's one where she was playing basketball, and she did a thing, and I didn't know why that was the thing.

Yeah. No, I've never seen that. Let me say something right now. Yeah. I swear to God, I'm my mother's life. Yeah. I've never seen that. I believe you.

Yeah. I believe you. Why did you do that? There's a freak accident, man. Oh my. Oh my God. It really doesn't. It was, yeah, it's rough.

Oh my God. Can you watch that of yourself? I've seen it so many times now, you know, like, yeah, that's why my nerves are fucked. You're actually dealing with a pain really well. Yeah, well, I'm the one that said call 911 because they're all looking at me in there. You're right.

I was like, call 911. But you lost weight from it. Almost 30 pounds now. Yeah, so that's a good thing. That's good. Because you look completely different from there. Yeah. Yeah.

And I had just beat Bert. That's what nobody talks about. I just beat him and that was after we competed. So we competed, we were doing Fat Guy dunk contest, which is like. Was Bert there? Yeah, Bert's the one who took my arm and puts it down. Oh my God.

So we competed and we're going, you know, we lower the rim to like seven feet, and then we go seven and a half, and then eight, and then eight and a half. And then on nine, he couldn't do it. I did it. So they're like, it's over, you win. Yeah.

And so I was like, great. And somebody there was like, you know, Tom, you got hops, man. Like you should try to go. I swear to God though, you should try. I think you can do a little bit higher. And they crank it up three inches. Oh my God.

Because it's a crank thing. It goes to nine foot three. That black dude Roy is a basketball coach. And he pulled me aside. I told the story on that thing, but he goes, I'm going to need you to dig deep on this one. And I could, I told this because it's true. When he said it, you know, he like,

I get like a flashback to like coaches. Like when I played sports, you know. So I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, like, I was like, I am going to dig deep right now. And like, and I feel the adrenaline, like your throat kind of dries out. So you're like, I'm going to give this everything I can have. And as I, when I, what happens,

like what you're seeing there is when I push off my left leg, I tear my patella tendon in half. Like it rips off the bone. And so it's, it's a, it's like, it's a freak accident to have. Yeah, it's just the perfect. And then my body, not consciously, instinctively. Oh, right there. So that, right when I go in the air,

like when I'm leaving, right, when I'm pushing off, right there, my tendon's already torn. Oh my God. It's torn. And then instinctively my arm, I'm not thinking about it. My arm goes behind. Is that an Asian guy? Because I don't know, I don't know if I'm one

or 20 inches off the ground. You know, it's happening so fast. You're like, so your arm goes behind your back and then I land on it and it just splits in half. Oh, you're blank. Yeah. Oh my God. But that's 245 pounds too.

Oh shit. Oh my God. Yeah. Oh my God. So that happened. So that's why my fucking hand doesn't work. That's why I haven't seen you in a while. Yeah.

Well, well, Tom's been everywhere since that accident. He hasn't been home, no, but I was in the hospital and in rehab for three weeks. So I spent, I spent December in a hospital and then in a rehab facility. I remembered thinking before this video came out. Oh, you got COVID from the hospital? From the hospital, yeah.

Oh shit. Well, while you were there, you got COVID? I got COVID in the hospital, yeah. Oh Lord. Oh, imagine that. I mean. You have all that and then the Cove. Yeah.

My God. And I thought I had oxy withdrawals because I was taking so much oxy at first. Yeah. They were just pumping. Of course, yeah. And they're like, are you on the pump? And I'm like, yeah.

No, they were bringing me the pills and they were giving me Dilaudid. Dilaudid. Straight in the IV and then straight in my arm. But you didn't have, they didn't let you pump it on your own. No, no. But they were coming on a pretty regular rotation.

You'll get those. Dilaudid's heart. The Dilaudid, yes. The oxys I was like, okay, I guess I feel a little better. Like it was never enough. You know, when they were like, how's your pain now? I'm like, yeah, still everything still hurts. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. And they were like, how about now? I'm like, 100%. But then Dilaudid. You could feel it. Dilaudid felt like what heroin must feel like because you'd feel a warm rush through your chest.

And then you just feel like... And then they're like, how about now? I'm like, I feel pretty good now. Good night, Moon. Yeah, yeah. And I would ask for it. Like, I get some more Dilaudid and they're like... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah. I remember when you first tweeted that you had broken like multiple downs. Yeah. I was trying to sort out what had happened. The first thing was like, oh, it's got to be a car accident. Everyone stopped the car. And second, I was like, oh, it must have been an e-scooter

because a lot of my friends would like these new scooters are just fucking... I know a couple of people that ate shit on them. Like hard too. Like multiple fractures. I know somebody went to the hospital. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But here's a question I wanted to ask you.

Is this normal that when something happens to someone that like my... It's like a fun guessing game for me. Like I have to know and I look through 80,000 comments. Everyone's like, oh, like for instance, when someone dies, condolences, condolences, condolences. That's... I go through everything. What happened?

Like how come no one's saying this? I do the same thing. I do the same thing. I do the same thing, especially on a death when they're like... Especially when the person is not of an age where you expect them to die. Like Eric Myers. Like Eric Myers.

And you go and you see like Eric Myers passed away and you're like, what happened? I still don't know what happened. What I got was he was in Texas early morning by a truck stop and he got run over by a truck. That's what somebody told me. What? Yeah.

Is that for real? That's what we were told. That's what I was told. Seriously? Yeah, somebody... I called somebody because I love Eric and I haven't talked about him. I've not talked about him since he died.

He died three weeks ago. Yeah. I just can't... I cannot talk about it. Let me tell you about this kid. Eric Myers was a kid that always destroyed on stage. Yeah, he did. Right.

Crazy energy. Crazy energy. I remember he opened for me in DC once and I remember telling the club owner I go, why did you give me this beast? Yeah. Right? He was that good.

Yeah. And then he would slip into these drug binges to the point where one time I was at the comedy store shooting the documentary, you know, Mike Binder's. He had me there during the day. And I remember somebody goes, Eric Myers was outside just during the day.

I go outside. Eric Myers is wearing yellow pajamas, like the kind that you would get with minions on it from Target. Yeah. No shoes, right? The yellow pajamas were ripped where his knees, right? You could see blood and it was bleeding

into the fucking yellow pajamas. His feet were all scarred up. No shoes, right? He had on his face a lesion, a bloody scar lesion from the top of his forehead coming down on his face, right? He was trembling. He was all dirt.

He was a homeless guy. He goes, hey, man, I knew you were going to be here. He goes, I don't want to eat that. I don't want to do it. Right? And so I, you know, obviously I went, which just goes against every fucking, you know, thing that was ever taught about, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Enabling, you know, and whatnot. I went and got like 200 bucks. I go here to get yourself, go to the best Western, take a fucking shower, right? And if you need anything else, I gave him the money. I didn't see him for another year. He got sober after that.

He got sober after that, right? And then next thing you know, you think everything's fine. And then three weeks ago. And he was engaged. Yeah, engaged. He's doing the road. He was just coming from a gig he did in Oklahoma. And then he's dead.

And it's like, no one can tell me what really happened. I remember, yeah. I remember meeting him years ago in Florida doing a show. Doing a show and he was kind of like the talk of that community. You know what I mean? When you go to a place and they're like, this dude rips here. I can't remember if he was on my show or not. I just remember them talking about him and meeting him there.

And I definitely saw him do a set. So he must have been on my show. Yeah. But he fucking destroyed. But I heard even back then that he had like real struggles with, you know, addiction. But I was trying to deduce what happened. And I kept seeing that there was like these fundraisers

that all in the fundraising thing it said, for his family and cancer society stuff. I think his father had passed away. His father had just passed away. Like a week prior is what. But you already got hit by a truck? Really? That he was.

I would. I will say that Bobby is a highly unreliable source. No, no, no. I can make it up. Why would I make that up? No, I'll tell you who I call. I'll tell you who I call. Rageous way.

I call the Johnny Sanchez. OK. Now Johnny Sanchez, you know, he's my friend and he's done this podcast. And he also is a big laugh factory guy. And I'm not a big laugh factory guy. And he knew Eric, right? And he also, Johnny is one of those like guys

that knows everybody. He's like a gossip guy. He knows all the tidbits. You know what I mean? Info out there. So I go, what happened? He goes, he goes, this is what I heard. I heard that he was he had a gig in Oklahoma.

He had another gig in Texas, but he came down early. And I go, was he on drugs? He goes, I don't know. He goes, I don't know. I go, all I know is that he was hit by a truck by a truck stop in Arlington or somewhere. This is insane. Right.

And I'm like, oh, that's crazy. It was like 5 30 in the morning. Right. So it's like, I don't know how he died. But you could have died from basketball. And that would have been the saddest. That would have been the saddest fucking headline. I did something like that.

I've been told is insane since then. So I when I went to the hospital, obviously the paramedic came and took me from there. They're like, your leg doesn't work. Your arms fucking in half. So we're taking you to the hospital near that court. And when we pulled up to that hospital, I was like, fuck this. Like I knew it was a shitty hospital.

So they do X-rays, they wrap my arm poorly, put this brace on my leg. And they're like, you need like two major surgeries. And I was like, not here. And they're like, you want to go home? And I was like, fuck. Yes. Can I guess what hospital?

No, because I can't say. I know, but we'll bleep it. Was it in the valley? Okay, because there's one there where I'm like, nobody go there. Everyone dies. Wait, there's one really good one in the valley. Was it was it in like, you know, more inner city?

No, no. Okay. But why are we playing this game? And it's fun though. I got picked up. I got picked up. I can't walk, move anything. I mean, everything's fresh broken.

My God. And I get in my friend's car. And what we should have done is gone right to the emergency room of another hospital. Yeah. I went home. Oh, no. Why?

I went home completely broken. I got help to get to a couch. And then I was like, all right, like just in the morning, I guess we'll figure this out. And so in the morning, like Bert and my friend Lindsey, we, they get me into a van and I go to a doctor. Right. And there's a doctor through a console,

like through a, like a doctor friend was like, you need to go see this dude. This dude's the shit. He's a sports trauma guy. So I get in his office and he goes, wow, what the fuck are you doing here, man? Wow, wow, wow. I was like, what do you mean?

He was like, go to the hospital. Wow, wow, wow. I was like, all right, I was at a hospital last night. He goes, you left? And I was like, why was that that hospital? Yeah. And he was like, oh, yeah, I would have left there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, but you shouldn't be here. You should be at a hospital room. How did you spend the night in your house in all that pain? Were you just in like a fever dream? Like, yeah, I was like, I wasn't even like falling asleep. You know, it was just like kind of, I probably slept, I don't know, an hour or two. I'm just, I'm so curious to know what Christina was like.

What was she saying? She was, I think she was kind of overwhelmed because like the Christchers came and like sets up up in this room and, you know, fucking Bert. Even like, he knew how fucked up I was. Yeah. Next to the nightstand, he put up a jar of vitamin C and calcium for your bones.

And then snacks. He put all types of snacks, like to read. I was like, the fuck is all this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a case you could hungry. Like Cheetos and shit. I was like, I'm not eating this shit, man. I'm like, wow.

And then, yeah, so then it was a whole, you know, thing after that, but yeah, it was wild. Well, I'm glad you're alive. Yeah, me too, man. Oh, that's, this is what prompted it. That doctor, when I, when I wheeled into his office, he was like, what are you doing here? You know, he was like, all right, let me tell you

what's going to happen. He goes, he's like, this and shit. He points to my arm. He's like, that, he's going to put some plates in there and your arm's going to, he goes, this is a fucking problem. Right. And I go, okay. He goes like, you got to reattach a tendon to your patella

and your knee's not going to work for, it's going to be a long thing. And I go, okay. And he goes, but look at the upside could have been worse. And I go, how so? And he goes, you know how you fell back? And I go, yeah, he goes, you could have landed on your head. And then you'd slur for the rest of your life.

And he just stared at me and I was like, okay. Oh my gosh. Cause he was right. You know, like if I had landed on my head instead of my arm, you know, you could have had brain damage. Yeah, you know, I knew this kid in high school and he was a star baseball player and he had some weird freak accident with a skateboard.

It wasn't like he was bombing a hill or anything. It was just like he was trying to do like a basic Ollie and he just fell wrong and he landed on the back of his head here. And to this day he is not just, he's a quadriplegic. Like he is unable to care for himself. Like when I hear shit like that, I get so freaked out by freak accidents like that.

Yeah. I mean, if you had, if you landed on your head and you had a slur, right? How long would we have to wait to make fun of you? Well, people would have right away. No, I wouldn't have. I would have waited at least six months. Six months?

And they had you on and I just mocked you. Oh no, I'm fucking Thai or something. Like, so, whatever. No, I, yeah, people would have made, I mean, you know, we're comics. We would have been fun. Yeah, I don't think I, I don't, I don't think I would. I'd feel so devastated.

It would be, it would be devastating. The people close to me would be fucked up. Cause you guys would all be like, that could be, you'd be like, oh, that could be us, you know, like people who, and I'm sitting here being like, how's everybody doing tonight? Oh my God. And then I have to convince you after shows like,

no, that was, it was really good. Oh yeah. Right. And I just get like, I get a bunch of like, pity, pity left. And then all your jokes would have to be kind of revolved around the slur. Oh, yeah.

Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it would be like an hour of like, yeah, I just, everybody's actually different. That's a good one. Well, it would just be like a new, like Madonna is just a new look.

A new look. Yeah. Yeah. The slur guy though. Oh my God. I'd get, I'd get invited to like those, like speech and pediment seminars. Like you guys can be successful.

Like I'm on Netflix. I know. Yeah. And then we would have to like come over a lot. You think we'd have to come over a lot, especially in the beginning. I'm sure he'd hate it. He'd be like, please like,

I'd have to come and like, you know, and get like a speech therapy machine. Do they have those? Yeah. Speech therapy. I don't know. Like a speech spelling machine? I don't know something, you know what I mean?

I would get it on eBay or whatever. Yeah. And bring it over. Maybe this will help. You know what I mean? You put it on your face. I don't know how it works. I mean, I knew a guy who was,

I knew a hot guy who was struck by lightning and he needed to, he was very, still very highly fuckable, but he did have a weird lightning voice. A weird lightning, do it, do it, do it, do it. I can't say his name, but this is really his name. Yep. But I remember my friend and I were like,

oh my God, that's got that guy so hot. And we went over, I was like, hey, you know, like, my name's so-and-so. And he's like, my name is. But he's still hot. Really? He's still hot? Black guy.

My name is. No, half Asian guy. And my friend still made out with him. He didn't care. All right. Yeah. Wait, do you, you just saw him like sitting around somewhere? No, he was at a party.

We were younger. It was like a friend's like house party. And so you're like, do you knew he was already hit by lightning? No, we didn't. Oh, so you're just like, this guy's hot. Let's go talk to him and then later on we find him. Kyla, like he's talking to you.

He had to put a machine to his throat. Yeah, like it's kind of like to magnify the voice a little bit. Oh, I see. But you know, yeah, he was just. Yeah, but when you're in bed, you know. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Yeah, it really doesn't matter.

He's gonna make fun of me. You know what he puts the mic to? I'm going to come. Oh, yeah. Feels good. But imagine that. Imagine if you had sex with him. And then he doesn't pull out and you're like,

do you come inside me? He's like, hold on. Sorry about that. Dude, you got to fucking tell me. I didn't want to stop. Right. He couldn't stop because. Yeah, he's like, I don't want to.

Yeah, he don't want to go grab the machine. Production. Right. Stop having sex. Where do you want me to come? That's not fun. No thrill there. Or he would just say, I'm going to do it.

And she says, no, you're right. I don't care. I'll forget it. Cut that part out. Cut that part out. Cut that part out. Don't you fucking cut that part out. Cut that part out.

No. It was a joke that didn't land. No. I'm blushing. You cannot cut that out. I'm blushing because the joke didn't work. That thing. I'm going to fucking fight you.

Understand what I was even trying to say. That has to stay in. I didn't even understand what I was trying to say. So cut that out. If you cut that out, we have a fucking problem. In the fucking note. Anyway, what unhelpful advice? I'm sorry.

You know what? I wish I would have known more. I would have gotten you gifts or whatever. I just didn't know much. It's totally OK. That was a car accident. But go ahead. Unhelpful advice with time.

It's that cool. So embarrassing. Al, this week's unhelpful advice is brought to you by. The big papayas over at Patreon. Really? Yeah. We've got Kyle Snuffer. Oh.

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We know all of them. We love them. We love you. OK. Shout out to our big papayas. Thank you for your love and support. Thank you. Back to the show.

Hi, Tiger Belly. I'm 28 years old and I'm living in Vancouver, BC. I've been trying to live and work in the US for almost 10 years and still have not found a way to make it happen. I work in the film industry in Vancouver. And I've been working very hard to try and open a door to the US through my work. I feel that in order for me to make it to where I want to in the film industry, major studio management, living and working in Los Angeles is a necessity.

Since after all this time, that still doesn't seem to be an option for me. I fear I will never move forward to where I want to be in my career. This has made me wonder with immigration laws, how difficult the government makes it these days to live and work in the US. It begs the question, does the American dream still exist? Wow, that's a loaded piece. You guys always have thoughtful emails like this. That is way beyond like, I can't answer that.

That guy's way smarter than all of us. Does it still exist? Could you guys do what you're doing now? And you just love you. No. But you can do it in more places. I would have been murdered in the Philippines. If I had this podcast or did this at all over there.

I think that shit as I talk about like the Catholic church and the government. Oh, yeah, I would have been out. I would have been dead. But in the day and age of the Internet, though, I think you can do different things in different countries that you weren't able to do before. You know, I think that in terms of like, if I grew up in Korea, you know, they don't really have stand-up comedy. My friend Dan, Dan Cho is in Korea trying to start a stand-up movement. Right. So he's like, he's an American.

He's there setting up mics and people are now doing it. But it's so new there. And you can obviously, you can't make a living, obviously. So it's like, there's still advantages of living in America, I think. There's definite huge advantages of living. But I do think it's kind of interesting. The funny thing about Vancouver is like, you know, when you moved to LA, like when we moved here, you know, you're like, this is the home of entertainment and especially productions.

And then like, we just outsource all our productions. To Vancouver, yeah. You go to Vancouver, Toronto, Albuquerque, Atlanta, like Hawaii. Yeah, Hawaii. Yeah, it's like, LA is not the spot. I mean, it's like, it's like the heartbeat, it's like the center of the stuff. But then it all goes out. Like we send all the work elsewhere.

Also, when they're doing a show like in Atlanta, right, they have to hire a certain amount of people, right? Like the smaller parts to locals. You have to, yeah. They have to do it, right? So the first three leads or whatever four leads, but then they start hiring locals. So if you're an up and coming actor, right, you would want to be in those markets, right? Because you can get, you know, a mass, a reel, right?

Of real parts. And then you come to LA and go, this is what I've done, right? So I think it's, you know, you don't really have, what does he want to be again? And so like a studio management, but I feel like everything's online. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Give me a darker one.

Give me a darker one. A darker one. Like I'm dying or something. I don't know. I don't have that, but I do have a girl. I'll just get to her. Her question is, she, or he just moved here to the States, having a hard time finding a job from the Philippines.

Basically wants any advice for someone new to this country. Basically. Well, that's so little. Like what's her skill set? Right now, right as a barista at a mom and pop shop, but it doesn't, like was an engineer back. How old is he? Okay.

He's an engineer back home. Back home. You could just take the equivalent of the engineering exam or whatever it is. Maybe it might require a couple more classes or do like a refresher course. And if that's what you want to do, then do that. How old is he? 26. It's intimidating though.

Immigrant first time here. I think it's intimidating. I can only imagine moving from another country, but I think coming from most parts of the country to Los Angeles or New York, you know, the two big, big cities we have, I mean, I remember landing here. How old were you? 22. I was 22 years old and I was like, you know, there's a thing where like you want to understand

the like the layout of the city. So like I knew like what Hollywood was. And then I was, I was like, I guess I should live there. And at first my friend, my friend was from LA and he was like, come out to Sherman Oaks. And I was like, I don't, what? What is that? And then you get on the freeway and then you're like, am I outside of LA now? Like, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Like geographically, you spend a few years like learning how to navigate this city because it's so spread out. Like in a way, New York is almost more comforting because everything is more compact and condensed and you go, are these the places? But here you're talking about our county is over 500 square miles. And you know, to find like, I remember, you know, just finding, figuring out like a, like a neighborhood or two and a couple spots, you're like, all right, cool.

I got it. I got LA. I figured it out. But you just figured out like a neighborhood because it can feel like so much. I mean, I can't imagine coming here from another country and trying to like. Even from San Diego, when I was raised in San Diego and I used to take these improv classes, Gary Austin's improv classes in Burbank, I had never been to LA, right? And they were at night.

So I remember driving the four or five up from San Diego. And as soon as I hit like, what's that museum up there on the four or five? The Getty. The Getty Museum. Right. And I remember one time I was listening to Frank Black's song Los Angeles on my shitty radio and I was like at a cassette or whatever and I'm going and I just remember this overwhelming film feeling of just like dread almost because the whole thing felt so large, the city.

I don't know. Right. And then getting on the one on one. Right. And you're just like, oh, the freeways make you crazy. Yeah. And then to really like, when you really go like, what the fuck is when you start flying in and out of LAX and you there's certain times on the approach where you look out and

you're like, what the fuck expands, I will say for this guy because, you know, I came here when I was 15, the first couple of years living in America and landing in Los Angeles was a fucking blur. It's probably a little for Hellsy, 26, 27. 26. Yeah. I mean, you're a little, you're a little more mature and kind of developed. I remember like, I remember just trying to like figure out where to go and like that strip,

the popular strip of Melrose, I'd be like, oh, that's just where you go. I thought, yeah, I mean, like if someone came to town, I'd be like, let me show you something. Also there was a show, there was always a show based on Melrose. Yeah. Yeah. So people are familiar with it. This is where the show was shot. Yeah.

And then like the next day they're like, what do you want to do today? You're like, let's go back to Melrose. Yeah. Yeah. Or like when friends have never been to LA and I'm like, oh, where are you staying? And they're staying all the way in the west side. I'm like, oh, I can't see you. Oh, yeah.

I don't see you. Yeah. Like you chose the wrong area. You didn't consult with me earlier, I, you know, especially pre-COVID, that's an hour and a half drive to you. I'm not going to see you. I'm sorry. Yeah.

That shows you how much I wanted to be with you for me to drive from, what was I living Hollywood to fucking Long Beach every day? Every fucking day. That is a hundred percent true because people say that things are like important to them, but it's all about how they act, you know, and like, this is why I don't fucking buy anyone's ever excuse for like, if the, if you like someone, you know what I mean? When they're like, I like her, but, you know, she lives in Long Beach, she's like, then you don't like her that much.

Yeah. Like you don't like her that much. You're right. I didn't like this friend that much. They're like, uh, you know, and like, dude, if you're crazy. If you're into someone, you don't care if they're in fucking Bangladesh, like you're gonna, you're gonna make it happen. You know, I was sitting traffic for three hours at sometimes.

Yeah, dude. Three hours. When I started dating Christina, I lived in the Valley and she lives in Pasadena. Wow. That's still pretty a nice gap. Yeah. I mean, that was, you know, and also I don't know what it is, but the 210 to Pasadena on like rush hour is the worst.

It's a nightmare. Yeah. And also it feels like, you know, you like, you learn an area. Yeah. Pasadena felt like just a whole new. It's a different city. It's a different city. Pasadena is.

It is another city. But I'm saying like, it felt like a whole other world to learn how the fuck do I get around here? We go there just for breakfast burrito. We do. Really? Dude, lucky boy. Lucky boy.

Lucky boy. I know that the best fucking breakfast burrito that I've had in the South Bay's, uh, Koreans make it. Where? It's called Fanny's. Fanny's in Korea Town? No, it's Avenue C, Radondo Beach. Yeah.

You know, your friend, Alex, the other day when I wanted him to do me a favor was to get me breakfast burritos from Lucky Boy, because they don't like the boys to shit. Lucky boys to shit. I was going to pay a guy a hundred bucks to go get you a burrito to get me a fucking breakfast from Lucky Boy. Yeah. You should have just asked Jules. She'll gladly do it for a hundred bucks.

Drive there and back. Yeah. Pasadena is my family's in Pasadena. So I like going there. I would have done it anyway. This is the longest podcast I've ever done because I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why it went long because, um, number one, um, usually when I'm doing podcasts with people, I'm so mindful of the time because just get run out of things to say.

I want to do it right. But honestly, um, God, I don't want to get emotional. Honestly, um, I like you, man. You know, it's not just a like, honestly, I, um, I have a deep love for you and I don't know why. I do know why, but I think you're a great guy and I'm so glad that you didn't die from the basketball. Thanks, man.

And I, um, you know, I, I think this voyage would be not as fun without you. Thanks, man. I'm a big fan of yours too. I do. I love you. I think you're fantastic. If we grew up together, I would have probably sucked your dick. That's the nicest thing I've ever said to you.

Now I'm a big fan of yours, man. I really am. I feel like I, I always feel like I'm better friends with you than we are. Like, I feel like I know you more than we are. This isn't, this is as far right now as you're going to get with me, which is sad to say, you know what I mean? But a lot of people don't get as far as we, that what we, what we have. With you.

Yeah, but I am, as when the pandemic is over, I'm going to get further with you and your wife. I'm going to get further with Bert. We're moving next month. Out of state. Yeah. The fish. Where?

About a house in Austin. Congratulations. But I'll come back. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's, you know what? It's, it's so funny. What's so funny? What's funny about it is, I think it's going to backfire on you.

Really? Yeah. How so? I don't want to get into it now because I want to end. Okay. And this is a completely different discussion. All right. You know?

Well, I've spent quite a bit, so I'm really looking forward to that. Great. Backfiring. Thanks. Yeah, I think that, you know, it's a, it's a mistake. Okay. Yeah. Well, you know, we're, we're leaving in about a month.

Yeah. And I'll, I have to add onto that, right? Now that was a mistake that I think it's, you're going to miss a wave. A wave? Yeah. I think you think that the waves are big there, but the waves are popping off here in about a year from now. Yeah.

I don't think so. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. I don't. And by the way, I trust my judgment a lot more than you. Really? Yeah.

Didn't break my arm and my nerve playing basketball. That's nice. Never would never happen. Never would never happen for me. I'm not going to be a thud like that. Okay. So I don't know about, I don't know about judgment. Okay.

All right. This is judgment related injury. Yeah. That could have been avoided. Yeah. By not playing. Or not taking it to the next level. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. And that's not me. I'm not going to be like, oh, I'm going to try to make that. Right. And no basketball coach is going to go, yeah, you got it. I'm going to be like, fuck, I'm not doing it. Okay.

Right. So that was you. That was bad on you. Number two, I don't trust your judgment. Right. In fact, I want to say this, right? Yeah. I want to say that I think you're following, you know, a cult.

What? Yeah. I think it's a cult. Okay. And I think it's a cult of personality. I think that you're, you know, you see, you know what I mean, our leader going out there and establishing his presence out there, you think, I'm going to go there. I'm going to go to Waco or whatever they did.

Waco. Or I'm going to, or I'm going to wear the, you know, wear the Nikes and they have the orders. Heaven's gate. Heaven's gate and drink the thing. And then I'm going to die and take that comment to the fucking space show, whatever it might be. That's what you're doing.

Yeah. And I think that it's shameful. And I think you're smarter than that. Shame. And that you threw the money down, right? And that's the laughs on you. The laughs on me. Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks for listening. Hey, Prime members. You can listen to Tiger Barely ad free on Amazon music, download the Amazon music app today, or you can listen ad free with Wondry plus in Apple podcast before you go. Tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com slash survey.