TigerBelly - Ep 295: Mark Normand Thinks You're Cute

Episode Date: May 5, 2021

Bobby opens a skate shop. Mark can't take a compliment. Khalyla wrestles her mother. We talk alien invasions, cheetah print panties, and the 11.5 pumps.  Mark Normand Thinks You're Cute. www.patreon.com/tigerbellyPlease support our sponsors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad free on Wondery Plus Then I went to Miami Nice fun fun fun now Salt Lake and now here and then Tacoma Tacoma, what's the club called there Tacoma comedy club? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I used to play on the Bellevue one with parlor. Oh, yeah. That was nice. That was too nice Yeah, almost too nice, right? Yeah, you play that one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they closed down But yeah, they did and then that guy Reuben who do you remember Reuben? Ah He was like this brown kind of flamboyant, right?

Yeah, but he was like he was like no, I like pussy It was just like you don't You don't absolutely don't like it. It's okay. I love that You know, he had like one of those like outwardly. He's just Filipino. Yeah, that's literally that's my man He's just me. He's just Filipino. You're not gay? No, I love pussy So he was like one of those guys and then we've had some bad times there though in Bellevue. Oh, we sure have. Oh, yeah We were watching this movie there. Oh I bring this up again, but we're watching this movie there and some

So, you know when we watch scary movie like when you watch a scary movie, right? In a theater you ever watch a scary movie in a theater. Sure. Do you ever scream? Mm-hmm You're a man because you're a man. Well, I don't know. It's just yeah, I don't let it out. Yeah, I do I'm a vocal kind of a guy. How do you keep it in? Yeah, like how do you express fear or being like? I don't I try not to express anything When you fuck are you quiet? Oh, yeah Hey, will you close your mouth? Well, I this voice is not conducive. Yeah, getting a vagina wit Like if you were had if you had to say something, what would you say?

Take it or You like it bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My girl likes a real real insult. Oh, she likes insults Yeah, but then if I do it in the kitchen, she hates it. Oh, right. Right. It's weird. It's weird Yeah, so anyway, we're in the theater and I scream we're watching this movie hereditary. Do you see? Oh, no, it's too scared. What I saw mid somer or Same same guy. Yeah. Yeah, so I couldn't watch the other one. Oh Wow, well, you should see it's very good. It's too heavy. That's stuff bugs me I don't want to be scared. What do you watch three amigos?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I screamed and then the lady and the couple in front of us goes Can you keep it down? You know, I mean if you're gonna scream like that watch it at home What she's watching at home? Watch it at home. And I'm like, this is part of it. Yeah, and we we almost got in a fistfight after We waited until they knew that we were sitting in back of them And the the movie ended and the credits rolled down and everyone would leave left the theater except us four Right. So her and I just sat there and we stared stared at the back of their heads and as soon as the lights came out Oh my god, he turned around and like we went fuck. What? Yeah, but then we went he drew first blood Which is a mistake art of war

What he did or you did they did They cussed us out. We're angry gooks. Well, they just don't don't make a gook angry. Yeah, you know that old saying sure They'll proverb that you get from the torture cookie. I know Shane Gillis Yeah, yeah, yeah, so um, let's start then And Five three two Hello Hello

Hello Um, hello. Welcome to another episode of tiger belly I'm your slept king. I'm the host. I'm the king. I'm not the king. Am I the king? You are. Yeah, and this is the queen and this is the court gesture. Yes. Yeah. Is that how you say it? Gesture? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yeah, gesture is an act. Oh, okay. Well, then I'm you corrected me again, and I'm wrong. I'm the immigrant. I'm the refugee. All right. You should be better English.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Okay. Right here we have the, you know, every kingdom has one was the hatchet man. The guy that does the executioner, the executioner, right? Who killed Ned Stark. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Thank you so much for that reference. Yeah. We've got his cousin East Coast, Ron Jeremy. We got East Coast, Ron Jeremy. This guy's got a bigger dick and more come, which is weird. No felonies. Yeah, no felonies. A lot, a lot of come and felonies. Well, he's a standup. He's a play on words, and I enjoy it. So we've got, you know, white guys, let me talk about white guys, white comics.

Boo. Yeah. So it's so hard. Like when I started doing standup in the 90s, and it was as an Asian guy in LA or, you know, what originally San Diego, it was very difficult. I felt like, because I was the only one that looked like me. People, it just, it didn't feel like I could be a part of it. Right. I also knew that I wasn't the right color yet. Yet. You're a Sammy Sosa yourself. Yeah. I wasn't the right color yet. You know what I mean? And because I had an agent tell me when I first moved to LA, I can't wrap you because you're never going to work. He literally said that I could say his name. I'm not going to because he's still in the business, but I want to call him out. But I'm not going to. But he was with ICM.

But then it's like now, you know, kinds of cancer culture, things have changed, you know what I mean? You know, immigrants are being put in the front kind of, right? I'm getting more work now, which is cool. But so I find you're not an immigrant, by the way. You're just Korean American. You didn't come here on a vessel. I just want to be with you. Okay. You want to be an immigrant with me? I'm just saying, you know, okay, you don't have to call that out. That's okay. You're right. You can be an immigrant if you want. All right. So as us immigrants, you know what I mean? Me too. Struggled so hard to get here. Anyway, so when a white guy, you know, to create a name

as a white comic, male especially, is so fucking difficult. Like I would like maybe 30 years ago, I would love to I would love to have been a Jewish guy or a white guy in comedy, but it's just so hard. So when a white guy makes a name for himself, right in this climate, they're extra good. They know they really are. I'm not I'm not blowing steam up this guy's ass, right? I'm just stating a fact around Jeremy from East Coast. Okay. Lots of come. So what I'm saying is is that when I see, you know, a white dude make a name for himself in this climate, they're just they're just something extra about them. And it's a little if they're resilient, right? And they they cross, you know, I mean, certain borders and whatnot, and people identify

with it. And it's very difficult. And this is one of them. This guy, I never, you know, because he lives in New York, we never crossed paths. I think I said hi to him once, but he may be ignored me. But but it's fine. It sounds like him. It sounds like him. But we've never really crossed paths. But I've been a fan from afar. You know, he's a very funny stand up, and he's doing very well for himself. And he's done all the late night shows, you know, podcasts, done all of them. He's he's great. And his name is Mark Norman. Give him a run. Finally, somebody talking about how hard the white man's got it. Yeah. Thank you. Well, that was very nice and weird. And I can't take a compliment. But I appreciate why why can't you take a compliment? Well, I don't trust Asians.

But no, I do know it's weird. Thank you. It means a lot. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. But you have to admit, though, that it is you. But you know you know that the culture is changing. Sure. Of course. And so I'm not really supposed to say it. But I know you're not supposed to say it. So I'm just going to tell you it. Well, we talk about it at the meetings. Right. The white meetings that you have. Yeah. Yeah. Who's at those white meetings? The rallies, you know, it's other other comments there. Yeah, it's me, Owen Benjamin. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever run into Owen? No, I don't know. I don't really know him. But you have to admit, though, you're doing well. It's going well finally. Like I'm selling tickets. Well, you know, the game has changed. I've done 13 late

nights and all this shit. Nobody cares. Right. You three podcasts and people are like, Hey, who's this guy? That's that's how it goes now. And this this opt. What is this? This garage? CK screen here just in case. Yeah, this is optics. It's garage. Got it. Got it. Um, yeah, the late night show. I mean, I even back in the day when I did it, I did the tonight show a long time ago in 2000 or whatever. The Leno Leno. Yeah. No one, one person at a coffee shop said, would you on? She goes, weren't you on Jay Leno doing stand up? I go, yeah. She goes, okay. I mean, like nothing. So was like, that's all I got. Yeah. It's like that Hedberg joke where he'd say more people saw me at the store. Yeah, nobody sees it. But you know what it does do,

though, it I think it validates you as a stand up. I guess so. It's for you. It's like a resume thing. Right. But it's also in the club atmosphere too. You have to admit that like, maybe you don't have to admit you don't have to do whatever you want to do. But when I'm it's America. Yeah. And you guys are still in charge. You know, you know, when I before I did the tonight show, I was just to stand up doing the clubs. But then it kind of elevated me, you know, me within the club, right? I would I got better spots. Really? Yeah. And people looked at me in a different way, I guess, in terms of comedy, you know, my peers, you know, and it also helps with your self esteem. Don't you think? Yeah, it helps. And you get to throw a suit on and it's

a big deal. Yeah, lights and adults there, you know, yeah, you get paid and you got to work out the set and it's on TV and you get to tell your mom. So that part's nice. Yeah. But it doesn't move the needle. It doesn't. No, it doesn't. But do you get nervous before? Oh, I get nervous for everything. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, everything makes me nervous. But that's good. You want to get a little jolt going, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Always. And Nicole Smith, you know, you just one level zoned out. That's not healthy. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I do love the feeling of being super nervous. Yeah, right. You're alive. Right. But then also, can I even do, you know, hopefully, hopefully, I don't mess up, you know, me, my jokes or whatnot. And then afterwards.

Yeah, what a feeling. It'll be real. It comes off of you that weight. Yeah, great. It's great. You earned something. You did something. I don't know what that feels like. It's always any type of nerves always equals absolute distress for me. There's no coming off. Even if you accomplished the thing, even if it's accomplished, even when I was a competitive swimmer, and even if I won the race and broke my record, I was always reeling in some kind of just like ball of like, it was just pure distress. I can't come down from anything. Really? Always like amped up and feeling like nauseated. Oh, weird. No sense of victory. I wish I could feel that. Yeah. Yeah, that's a bummer. But maybe you were conditioned to feel that way. Can't celebrate. Yeah. Yeah, I think because

my mom would rip off the metal from my neck and be like, you can't celebrate. Yeah, because she was a swimmer in the Philippines. She was on the national team at whatnot. And her mom was like, literally, a Filipino Hitler. Let's just say that. With the mustache. With the mustache. Oh, yeah. And she, you know, she would win these things and she would still be abusive. Yeah, yeah. There was no winning with her. There was no winning. It was just that was whatever accomplishments I had were what she considered just baseline you had to do. But do you think that made you better? It made me sadder. There's nothing about that experience that made me that catapulted me into

anything but like a broken person. I hear you. You don't look at those metals and go, hey, that was pretty good. Yeah. Damn. Nothing. Nothing. I have them. Oh my God. One of them is gold plated. You want one? Yeah. Hell yeah. I want the Southeast Asian Games. I want two gold metals. I'll give them to you. No, don't give them to me. Mark, sell them. Take them. Take them, Mark. No offense. But he don't look like no athlete to me. No, I'm not. I was a skateboard kid. You were. Oh, big time. That was my whole life. Wait, wait, wait. You're a skater? I was. I mean, I'm old now, but yeah, but still back because, you know, I grew up at this second. All right. Please don't. Please don't. All right. I'm a poser. Please don't. Please even open up a

skate shop but can't skate. I opened up a skate shop, right? Come on, man. Come on, man. Look at my body. Well, that's now you're 61. Whoever said Asian, don't raise him. That's true. I'm joking. You look great even though you're coming out of your shirt at the bottom. I love it. I love. Please keep it coming. Yeah, yeah. I love being ripped on. But my point is that I, but I'm a huge fan. Like I, you know, I knew, I know, and Reynolds. I know. Yeah. You know, I knew Jim Greco. I, you know, I, you know, I just know a bunch of guys and I grew up in San Diego. So, oh yeah. You know, I worked at a coffee. I know Willie Santos as well. And I know, um, anyway, I know a bunch, but, um, I used, I grew, I worked at a coffee shop and right next

to it was a warehouse, which is the Tom Yaddo warehouse where zero skateboards and, and, um, toy machine, you know, yeah, yeah. So it's like all those skaters and stuff would come by the coffee shop. Yeah. You know what I mean? So that's how I, so I was kind of immersed and also Trans World Skateboarding Magazine did an article about me. I went, you know, I knew that all those guys, what? It's trans. You got on a skate magazine? Oh yeah. What did you do? It was incredible. That's cool. Yeah. And I would have killed to be in there. Yeah. But I, he loves skating. Will you street or vert? Street all the way. I had a mini ramp. We built one in my backyard. Yeah. Street all day. We made videos. We, we did it up. All right. Can you, let me ask you,

can you, obviously you can allie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kick flip. Oh yeah. Yeah. Some kid hit me up. He was like 22. He goes, Hey, I like your comedy. I heard you used to skate. Can I, you know, film you doing some bullshit? I'm like, yeah, I'm rusty. And we went out and I did a kick flip. I got a shove 50, 50 shove it out. I did a board slide and I was sore for a week, but I'm so glad I got that one up there. Guilty. Yeah. Hard flip. You ever pull one of those off? Maybe once or twice, but that was a tough move. That's a tough one. Yeah. Yeah. And plus the board is vertical. So the, the genital nicking was way higher. Oh, that's true. That's true. I can't believe like people hard flip onto like a rail. I know the kids now. They're bananas.

It's bananas. The Niger kid. Oh my God. Yeah. The mixed guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Killer. Or what's his name? O'Neal. What's his name? Is it Sean? There's this kid from Australia. That's really good. Is that Japanese guy? From my island, from Cebu. Oh, that marriage, that girl. Yeah. What's her name? She's amazing. Yeah. She's amazing. But these kids are now like insane, like nine-year-old kids can do flip tricks onto a rail. Yeah. And then flip out. Yeah. It's insane. The best trick contest at the X Games now is unheard of 10 years ago. All these things, not even, the combinations are crazy. Yeah. I think you and I are going to really get along because we're kind of, you have the same kind of sense of humor. Oh yeah. Filty and weird. Yeah. Probably. Well, you know, I took a,

what? Oh, here's Mark. Oh, this is me fucking around. You got to back it up a little. This is on a cold day in New York City. There we go. Oh, there we are. Got it. I mean, almost. It's not all true. Look, he, I'm not a brother. He still, he walks like an old man to. Gotta get to that. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was a fan. A fan popped in. That's amazing. It was so fun and cool, but yeah, it, there we go. Yeah, you can get rusty. I am. It's amazing though. Well, yeah, it was good to be back for just a, just a day. Yeah. I love. Pull up, pull up Marjelyn Didal. Marjelyn. Yeah. Who? What? This is a girl, this is a girl from my island in the Philippines. She's from Cebu. All right. Bobby and I watch her

all day long. Well, I follow her. I love her. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Is she girl good or good good? She's good good. I think she's good, but I, I don't have, I don't hate, so. I think she, she, you know, I hate to say this and maybe you can scream at me right now. Yeah. All right. Scream at me right now. And I like that point. You're joking. I, I, I get it, but. Yeah, immediate. You're a comedian. I know, but there is, like, I catch myself going like, because when I see someone like, do you watch MMA at all? Yeah, I love MMA. Right. So when you watch like someone like Yoana Yanchecek, Amanda Nunez, or even Rose Namiunas, right? Yeah. They, I always say they fight like guys. Right, right. You know, and it's, it's, it's a strange thing.

Like everything they do is like clean jab, you know what I mean? And movement. And sometimes you'll see, you know, a female and I'm going to get a fucking lint for this. But sometimes you'll see a female, you know, MMA fighter and she, you know, that's how she punches. Yeah. Of course. They punch like a girl does in a bar. Right. Okay. So here we go. This is where I'm going to get broken. Okay. Here, here, this is my, here we go. Let's see. Filipino, eh? Yes. My island. From your island. Oh, baby. Yeah. Sure. Okay. Does she do anything? All right. All right. Wait, that's some street stuff. There we go. There we go. She's for sure a street. It's not a good sign when the skate park looks better than the neighborhood. Okay. That was good. That's a good point. Oh, 360 flip. Maybe switch. Who knows?

Hey, not too shabby. Not too shabby. Lip slide. Yeah. Damn. Oh, yeah. Half cam out. Okay. Solid. But she's a teenager. Wow. You know what I mean? Oh, is that right? Yeah, yeah. Okay. She's not like a 30-year-old woman. She's very good anyway. Very good. Very good. I had to shout her out. But don't say what you're going to say about the, the, the, you know, on a, you know, J.J. Jack and, um, you're right. It was wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I've seen many dudes fight like this. And those are called hammer fists, by the way, and totally acceptable in MMA and they work. Yeah. Oh yeah. Tomorrow did. That's how you win. Tomorrow's mom did it. And you know what? I stand corrected and I apologize. Thank you. Okay. And you know, I'm going to say this right now and I

want to say this out loud. I think that most women are better than me. Is that the lesson? And I'm going to, I just admitted that as a man show. I can see that. They can defeat me in every sport, right? They're probably brighter than I am, but they probably survive longer in a survival situation like in a loan or, you know, if they were on a deserted island, right? I'm weak, right? And they're better than I am. All right. I can't fuck good. I don't fuck good. And she knows it. I want to, you know what? I'll admit, I'll admit to this. I don't, I fuck sloppy. Don't do that with your mom. But sloppy can be good. Thank you so much. And that's why I like you. Yeah. He just fucks weird. I fuck weird. Fuck weird. Weird can be good. How do I fuck?

So maximum 11 and a half pumps, maximum. Wow. But that half, that half is extra. It's like super long because I only I only want to do 10. Right. So I don't, you know, at 10, I'm like, I'm out. He's out. And I go, I got to go that extra one. Yeah. But the question is between you two, who has more body hair? He depends where what part of the body. Come again. That's a good part of the body. Yeah. Nipples. Yeah. Oh, that's a that's a great question. It might be my pussy has more hair. I have to admit that because I have hair in the inside as well. Oh, yeah. So that's my hair. My hair distribution, as Annie Letterman calls it, is very chemo patient. A little patchy. Yeah. It's scarce in the front. I call it Chernobyl. Yeah. Yeah. Very Chernobyl-y.

Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. Okay. The hair. Are you hairy? No. Yeah. I can use a little. Yeah. I got no chest. Yeah. I got the weird nip hairs that get out, you know, get in the way, shoot out. Yeah. You look like you fuck good. No. No, I fuck like my comedy. It's stiff. It's quick. Yeah. Not pretty. Not much of an ending. No closer. Yeah. I'm working on it. But it's, it's fun though, still, huh? Sex? Yeah. Yeah, sure. You know, I still get to, I'm still, you know, and as a 50 year old man, almost 50, I still, when I'm doing it in my mind, I'm always, I'm like a teenager. Yeah. I think to myself, I can't believe I'm doing this. I feel the same way. Right? And when they wake up. But no. But I feel the same way. But the whole time I'm thinking she's not into this, she doesn't like me.

They say men worry about their performance and women worry about their appearance. Yeah. Yes, that's correct. Yeah. You know, it's interesting because, you know, I just have to say this, you know, how do I say this? Sing it, sister. I think, you know, if I was gay. Yeah. Which I'm not. Jeremy. I would find you to be cute. Oh, thanks. All right. You're cute too. I just, I just want to let that sink in. Yeah. I mean, come on, I think that's. But just let the silence speak for itself. There was a character on Thundercats that you look like. I love Thundercats. Yeah. The little one. I think you're nervous under, because it was intimate what we're doing. It was intimate. And then you had to talk over it. I had to get out of it.

I want you to look at me right now. I don't know. Don't get out of it. All right. All right. I'm going to try to slide back in. Say, tell me that I'm cute again, right? Oh, God. Look at my eyes. You don't talk for 30 seconds. Hold on. I can't find your eyes. And you count the. All right. Very funny. Very funny. But no, you're cute. Thank you. Your feet aren't even hitting the ground. You're talking. You're talking, right? So you're cute again. And don't say anything. But lock eyes. Lock eyes. Ready? Say you're cute. Say it. All right. You're right there. So here's what my point though is. You're cute. Thank you. My point is, is that because I've seen your stand up and stuff and there is,

you know, you're cute, you know, you can skate, you know, you're from New Orleans, you know, you, but you have this low self-esteem. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. And where does that come from? I assume it's parental upbringing, something like that. Bed wetter, braces, early hair, black neighborhood, a lot of loads of big gumbo of bad news. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that probably did it. You think so? I guess. I don't know. It's so weird how culturally braces are such a thing that like you get made fun of over here. Yeah. Like where I come from braces are so expensive. So it denotes, it shows that someone has status. Right. They have money. So it's, so if someone, let's say the orthodontist says, oh, it's been three years, take your braces off,

people wear them till they're 60 years old to show money and status. Oh, that makes sense. But it's kind of like in the Renaissance, a fatty was hot. Yes. Yes. Same thing as they had enough money to get fat. Yeah. That's another thing, fat babies back home. There you go. If your babies are fat, you, you know, you're kind of like, oh, they probably live in a big house. Yeah. Which also makes sense. Yeah. When I used to go to, I used to go to the Balboa Museum, but when I was San Diego as a kid, you know, when I was a young man, because I had no friends, and what I would do is this is a before standup. I would go to the museum and I would look at paintings and you would see fat women. Yeah. You know what I mean? And just like this, right?

And I would have an erection. You know what I mean? Really? Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, that's exactly why I found you attractive. There you go. Man, wait till you see, do you keep Buddha statues around? Drink off to him. Sumo wrestlers. Oh, yes. Oh my God. Akebono. Oh my God. Akeboner. I don't know any of these words. Remember, what was that fat wrestler in the WWF, the Fat Asian? Yokozuna. Yokozuna, yeah. Yeah, he was hot. I can't believe you remember that. Oh yeah. Do you remember the tongue of the kid? No. Yes, I did. Or Jimmy's the super flat snooker? Yeah. Remember that? Okay. But let me just tell you about my body. Can I defend myself a little bit? No, you don't have to because I gave you a compliment. But what about when he's on top of you?

He's never. He's my bottom. He's my stompy. Oh, I don't do the work. He thrusts from the bottom. Yeah, yeah. No, I do this even. You know what I mean? I do this and I just close my eyes sometimes. I fall asleep. But yeah, I'm good at the bottom though, man. I'm good at the bottom, man. Yeah. Sometimes I'll go. Yeah. Sometimes I'll go, you know what? I wasn't born the year of the rabbit, but I want to be, you know what I mean? I'm the year of the boar, but I go, no, I want to be year of the rabbit. And I go like a fucking machine up there, like a sewing machine, like my penis. I'm going to make a Nike. Yeah. I'm going to make a Nike shoe. And then you go fucking Jordan, man. I fucking go up there and sew the fuck out of the push. Yeah. Hair Max. Hair Max.

You're good at the play on words, my friend. And that's what I enjoy about you. When my gal's on top, I can tell she's getting tired. I lift her up and I start doing the hair. You know, just to show her. Like I noticed it. I'm with you. But then you get like four of those and it's very tiring. You know, when I enjoy the kind of humor that we're talking about right now. Yeah. I enjoy it, but you think that it's a. I did watch a lot of Sumo. I went up. I really did. It's a great sport now. You really honestly, because when you met me, I was salivating. I was foaming at the mouth. I know, but when you met me, I wasn't this fucking fat, but you're a tubby. You're a tubby. Not a lot of definition. Let me say something. Mark Norman. All right.

All right. I was on the wrestling team in high school. Get out of here. You were wrestling with your sex. Well, no, I was on the team. Fucker. Can we pull that up? I don't have it on there. Is it online? Bobby Lee picture, because there's a picture of him with his varsity pick, like in the wrestling stand. Oh, you should have fought Ben Askren. I think I beat him. Oh, yeah. Do you see that fight? Yeah, that was wild. Wow. Look how hot you were. That's me. And that's my brother. My brother and I were both wrestlers. Oh my God. Look at the definition of my arms, bro. Pretty good. Yeah. Pretty solid. I mean, I was 16. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyone else hard? I mean, this could have gone. My life could have

gone a complete. Oh, yeah. What happened? Stand up. Hmm. You mean you find comedy and you go, oh, I don't have to do that here here. Yeah. And it's also like I think guys work on their body. I know some they say, oh, it's about my health. Right. And they say it's about, you know, I just want to stay fit. Right. Yeah. It's all about getting women. You think I think deep down inside, I think they want to look good for the opposite sex. Oh, when you get naked. Yeah. That's why people work out as a, you know, I think, you know, and they get nice cars because of that. Right. It's all that's the basis. I know a couple of juice heads that really are just love sucking their own dick and have no desire to look good for women. They're just they like. Yeah. I've seen

that. Oh, maybe. Yeah. Maybe you're right. Yeah. Selfies and shit. Yeah. But for me, it's like, you know, when you're five, four, right, and you're Korean. Go on. Right. And you're, you're living in America and you're, you know, you're, you're trudging, you know, along in your life. And you grew up in San Diego. Right. It's white, very white, very blonde. You know, you know what I'm saying. Yeah. So it's like in my early 20s, you know, you kind of, you I still have all the sexual organs that you have, Mark. Sure. Sure. I mean, it's so funny. You almost forgot his name. I know, because I was getting emotional. Because I knew I know his fucking name. Yeah. All right. But it's like, you know, keep going, Billy. You're doing great. You know, in my head, I'm like, I either

have to get to get women. I have to do extra. All right. Right. So I have to either work out and be this like, and do karate. Mm hmm. You know what I mean? And be like the sensei. Yeah. Or when I found comedy, like, Oh, this is my route, the ticket. This is the ticket. And I don't know about you, Mark. But when you when did you start stand up? Oh, six. In oh, I was 22, 23. Yeah, I was 23 when I started as well. Yeah. And you it changes everything, right? Everything. Like everything. Yes. Yeah. Your whole nightlife is different. You skip weddings. Nothing else matters. You got to get good, get up. Yes. You'll lose money just to do the funny bone and dick fuck town. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Love it so much. You love it so much. You get addicted to it. Yep. And no one

understands it. No one understands it. And it's also what about Korean parents? I can't even imagine. Oh, you didn't talk to me. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. And when I did when I did the tonight show, I told them to watch it. And they said, What? Well, my dad goes, How much did you pay them? Oh, my dad thought that Tom Cruise went on there to promote Mission Impossible. Yeah. And then handed, you know what I mean? Jay Leno, a grand. Right. To be on there. You know what I mean? Yeah. They just didn't know how it works. Sure. So when I explained to them, no, they asked me. You know what I mean? And they I remember them coming to me. I didn't have an agent or anything to get it. You know, and they started seeing me. I was a doorman at the comedy store. And they saw me at

open mics and stuff. And they go, We think we can do it. And they put together a set. And I did it. My point is the day after I did it, my parents were just being Korean. They were devastated for not supporting me. What about your parents? They're more they're not against it, but they just didn't care. It's sadder. It's sadder. Yeah, it's more like I'm going to go to New York and be a stand up and they're like, I just don't die. You know, all right, what I'm fine with. But I'm sure when they watch you on TV now, now it's a different, different tune. Yeah, what is it? What's the tune? You know, they're telling friends and they're they're bragging and they're putting me on their social media. Kind of weird. Like I grew up with a scary dad and he started taking antidepressants

and now he's like nice dad. So he's like, How you doing? I'm like, Oh, because I know how scary he used to be. Yeah. Because my dad, you know, what brand of scary, like physical scary, like lose your temper, throw a plate against the wall. Yeah, my dad was same. I mean, my dad, you want to meet my dad? Uh oh. Is he in a box? Yeah, here's my dad right here. Oh, at least he's, you know, can't get hurt. Right next to me. You know, and sometimes when I go to my A meetings, I put my iPad anyway, let's move on. Anyway, so my point is my dad was fucking crazy, temper violent. And did you have trauma from it? Probably. I mean, it was terrifying. And he used to cut you down in weird ways, like make you feel stupid and little, you know. And so I was, I didn't really talk a lot

around them. That's where it comes from. Your self esteem. Oh, God. What are we doing here? I mean, that's where it comes from. You think? Oh, yeah. You can't grow up being belittled and also fearing. I mean, he was a nice guy. I don't want to make it sound like this is like a Dr. Phil thing. I'm just saying he was, he could, and it would, boy, it would sting. Yeah, but yeah, I know, but those, but it's like a time bomb. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So, so the whole time around it, regardless if he is nice or not, right, it's still there. Yeah, right, that you could still hear it. Yeah. You know what I mean? And my dad was the same thing. My dad would go months and six months with being completely kind. Well, you'd work. You know, we'd hardly see him. Sure. And he would

drink and that, and then, and then it's fine. And then six months later, you know what I mean? My mom's missing teeth. You know what I mean? He gets real. I mean. Oh, really? Oh, Jesus. Yeah, man. She's joking. Whoa, dude. Oh, God. Wait, your mom was a Bethhead? Holy shit. Yeah, she's a little Beth. And is she around? Yeah, she's around. Oh, thank God, she outlived that monster. Yeah, but you know, he, but he was also, he did mad TV. I mean, I don't know if you know that, but yeah. Yeah, so you just, this is what I did when I was 23. And I held on a lot to like my mom just beat me up my whole life. I needed to reclaim my power. So I, I offered to duel her in a wrestling match because she had been, she had been, she's still

so physically superior by the way. She has like 16 packs. She's ripped. She's ripped. She's like, she does, she did competitions her whole life. So she was like a fitness person. Like Sarah Conner. Sarah Conner. Like literally. Sarah Conner. Holy shit. Big and buff. Even to this day, she's 60 and has bigger muscles than all of us in this room. Like she's a beast. When I was 23, I was like, let's wrestle. And I needed to, and we did, we locked in and we separated. And then she charged me and all I had to do was move and her head went through a window. What? And she cut herself. And that was it. There was no more, like I was no longer traumatized. I was like, I have you. You guys have all this and you're scared of COVID.

We're all vaccinated. All right. All right. I don't want to push it. Your mom is like in, like if you watch, you know, an apocalyptic movie or like, you know, a zombie apocalypse movie. And you know, people are trying to survive. Your mom would totally be like the leader, I think. Well, she's the muscle. She's all brawn, but she's not strategic. That's why her head went through the window. She didn't even calculate that part. Like I basically told her, I was like, you might still be physically stronger, but I am, I'm a smart adult now. I could just move to the side and hurt yourself. Yeah. You know what you are in those kind of movies? I'll tell you what you are. You're Paul Reiser and aliens, I think. Oh yeah. Totally. You know what I mean? Like,

you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but you fuck everyone over. I hope not. But no, you're not that guy. You're not that guy. Who knows? Who knows? We'll see what happens when they show up. Yeah. I think you and I would die immediately. Probably. Do you think or no? We'd have a good time on the way out, but yeah. Yeah. But I think you and I, let me ask you something. Let's suppose there was an alien invasion, right? They slaughtered half the people. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Like illegal alien? No, no, no, no. Like actual aliens. Oh, gotcha. Right. Yeah, actual aliens. And but then half the people they want to experiment on. Oh, that's us. So they capture half of us. So you and I are in an alien spacecraft in some sort of prison. Yeah,

anal probe is coming. Right. Do you think you and I would be used humor as a defense mechanism, or do you think we would just be scared? I think we'd be scared. I think humor is too far gone at that point. You don't think that when they put the probe in your ass, you know what I mean? Hey, best alien joke, each of you right now. No, like, okay, the probe in my ass, right? I looked at Mark and go, that's all you got? You think we make jokes like that? Maybe. I don't know. I mean, it's aliens with a with a thing up her ass. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. That seems unlikely. But who knows? I've never been in a situation that dire. Have you ever had a life or death? I have, yeah. Have you? I don't think so. I mean, I've been in car wrecks and stuff like that. Yeah,

car wrecks is what I'm saying. I fell off a motorcycle once. That's life. That's scary. I mean, it wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad. I'm making it sound weird. Yeah, yeah. I was crushed in a car, right? Did you walk away and go to Del Taco? Yeah, I walked away, went to Del Taco. What a badass. Yeah. And then when I came back, the ambulance goes, Hey, sir, stand back. And I go, Why? There's a dead body in that car. And I go, Oh, that's my car. And I had a taco in my head. Like, that's my car. And they go, You crawled out of there. Yeah. Am I in trouble? Like, I'm a survivor, man. Damn. One time on accident, Ralphie Mae sat on me. That's it. Joe. Has he really did it really? No, no, no, no. You knew Ralphie, though?

I met him a little bit, but not he was always way up there. Yeah. Yeah. He was a big guy. Who was your crew in New York? Well, you know, it's a bunch of a bunch of comics, Sam Merrill, Joe List. We got a whole, I don't know if you know him. We're a little, I want to ask you some New York guys I know. And I want to see if you're friends with them or not. Chris D, Tim Dillon, Yannis. Are you friends with Chris D? Andrew Schultz. I know all these guys. Yeah. You're friends with Chris D? Yeah, yeah. He comes next week, right? Doing his pod tomorrow. Okay, good. Great guy? Great guy. Sweet guy, handsome guy, funny guy. Yeah, naturally funny. Yannis we just had. Oh, yeah, he's a mess. Great guy, though. Great guy. Hard of gold. We did the five hour with Whitney

last night. Oh, Yannis was on it? Yeah. Oh, I wish I was there. It was why. What about now, this cocksucker, Andrew Schultz? Who's killing it harder than Schultz? Killing it. Killing it. That's why I call him a cocksucker. Yeah, you got to. He's young. He has a perspective of life, you know, and his ideas about the business are so far beyond his years, I think. Yeah, completely. He's kind of a savant in that algorithm, internet, you know, what's next kind of shit. I don't have any of that. I'm just working on the next bit. Which that doesn't do anything for you. One TikTok and you're off to the races. I pay a guy to do my TikTok. That's how out to lunch I am. Yeah, yeah. Isn't it tiring to do all these? No, I'm being real. When Club

House came out, I almost killed myself. I was like, I can't do another one. It's too much. It's too much. And it's like, you know, I just miss the days of just kind of promoting and then going to a show doing it. And then that's it. I'm leaving. Yeah, we're not, you know, I'm not a TikToker. I'm not, you know, I mean, an Instagram guy. I don't want to be forced. And in many ways, they make you do it because they're especially when your career is not going well, it's like your agents will call you and go, you got to create a YouTube channel and create some content. I know. And then you're like, oh, fuck, you know what I mean? Yeah. And then you do it. But people are doing it for you. You're very popular on TikTok. Oh, really? Yeah,

there's so many just viral videos. That's Steve Byrne. But yeah, that's kind of flattering when someone else does that. I've had people like mimic my act or lip-sync it and you're like, oh cool. Somebody's watching and somebody gives the shit enough to do that. Yeah, yeah. Is like, do you want to do acting or anything like that? I can't act. It's not good. I just don't care. I had to do a, I've done a million, I've done a million auditions. I've never gotten one. And I had to do one where my dad died next to me on the couch and they threw me out of the room. That bad. Oh, really? Like, get out of here. What are you doing? I was like, oh, dad, what are you, crazy? What are you, dying on us?

Louise, Louise. You're like, all right, you're wasting our time. I was like, I drove here from Santa Monica. It took three hours. Yeah. It's, it's weird because they kind of like your people call you. Yes. This is a great opportunity. Yes. They'll say stuff like that and it can elevate your career and it'll translate into, you know what I mean? Yeah. Get numbers and all that kind of stuff. And then you start thinking, maybe I will get it. Maybe I could change my career. But Mark, what I'm saying to you is that all those experiences that you have, everyone goes to that. Yeah, but you get stuff. No, but I want to say this though and you can be, you know what I mean, you can back me up here is I've been in LA since 1999, 98, right? And yes, I have gotten a lot of

stuff, right? But I've been told no a million times and I've had PTSD in those rooms. Really? Yeah. When you sign up, right? You're in a hallway with a bunch of folding chairs and you sit there. And people who look like you. They all look like you. They're wearing Hawaiian shirts or whatever it might be, right? Yeah. And then you're just kind of like, they call your name and you rehearsed it for two days. Yep. Right? And as you stand up, it all, yeah, it all just, it's gone. So good. Right? Because, you know what I mean? And then you start panicking. Yes. And then you start unfolding your sides on the walk into the room. Yeah. Because it all slipped away. And there's some juke hunt behind the desk going. She's eating, she's eating noodles.

Noodles. All right. All right. The 38th hundredth guy she saw that day. Right. And then it's like all the stuff that you memorized that you knew instantly and out is so gone that now you're reading it off the page. Yeah. Yeah. And then they're like, you know, thank you. Yeah. It's over like that. It's over like that. You walk and then there's a feeling when you leave and you get in your car that's so demoralizing. Man, did you nail that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm saying to you. I just got a shitty feeling because I know that feeling. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know. And I, because I'm telling you, when you were talking about your thing is all the things that I've, I've lived through. Wow. At the end of the day, though, I have to say to you that you will get

one. That's what my agent said. Damn it. Yeah. Yeah. And, and when you do get one and you show up and you do it and it comes out okay, you get better and better and better. And then one day, you're going to be in a situation where you're going to be around with all these people that you never thought you'd be working with. It gets pretty bad for him. One time he came home and he was like, he had a bloody nose. Like he was bloodied up and cut up after an addition. And I was like, what happened? He's like, I beat myself up. That's how badly he felt. Like he beat himself up with a water bottle and over again because he felt just so humiliated. Did you get it? That was a Bob Odin cookie. You know what? He did get it. Oh yeah. I did get it. All right. Yeah. One time

yeah, she dragged me into thing. I beat myself up. And then the call was this because here's the deal Mark is okay. As an actor, right? You have a group of guys, right? And, and like any actor in LA, white guy, your type, whatever, right? But as a producer, I go, all right, but this guy is green. I'm talking about you. But he has a huge audience, right? That helps know who he is, right? And it's going to help me with the movie. So all you have to do is deliver something that's either mediocre to good, right? Right in that kind of ballpark. And then you have a shot. Yes. You know, so it's like, when I beat myself up, they were like, he didn't know his lines. He read it off the page. And one of the producers says, yeah, but, you know, he's a funny guy. He's like, intrinsically funny.

And we know who he is and what he is. I think that we can work with it when he's on set, right? And you will go through the same thing because I've been here about your name for a couple of years now, right? But not just in, oh, you hear about this funny guy. No, like, he's, you know, yeah, here we go. Here's a compliment here. Can I just shut up, man? Oh, God. You're gonna take it, man. Hold on. Let me put my yelling. Am I too crazy? Am I being too crazy? Yeah. I'm sorry. You're fine. Just I'm gonna, I'm gonna, no, no, no, no. With those back in. All right. I just want to say this pro that, um, you know, I have, I mean, a pool of people. All right. But how about I just get to that level and then do the audition instead of, uh, shut your white mouth. White

people always have to talk over the ethnics, right? So let me just finish what I'm saying. All right. And then you react, react accordingly. All right. Look at me. Say I'm cute again. Cute. Look at me. Very cute. Yeah. Okay. There's an old AA saying it. I mean, alcohol is anonymous. They always say, fake it till you make it. Fake it till you make it. Yeah. I've heard it. Right. So it's like you, you show up like, you know, I'm, I was just in Oklahoma. Quit bragging. And I did this, this, um, FX show where I played a doctor and I was scared of it. When I did the rehearsal, asked Sterling, the showrunner, he was a little scared because when I did the rehearsal,

I was stuttering through every line because the cast and the kids were there and the, all the cameras are set up and you know, there's a hundred people in the room. Yeah. You know, I'm stuttering through the thing. And what I did was I started breathing and I, and I announced to everyone, I go, I know that, that don't be nervous. I know I stuttered and I know I am nervous, right? But when we shoot, I'm going to kill it. You just have to fake it. You got to fake it. And it feels like everyone else is nailing it. Everyone else is confident except you, but they're fucked up too. They're nervous. Thank you. That's exactly the thing. So are you going to still audition or no? I'll wait till I get big. And then I,

I, Neil Brennan called me that day. He's like, I got something for you. And then I've had Schumer give me a thing. So it's like, can I just do that? I'll put some parts, but I'll, you know, I don't have to do the bullshit because don't you feel like you're just a stack on a pile of tapes or whatever it is. And no, you don't think when I get an audition, I had one yesterday. Gilbert came up, I put myself on tape. And, and it was the second time for this one thing, because it's like the first time I did it, they called and said, it's wrong. Wow. But that, they care. They cared enough to call back. Do it again. It's wrong. We'll give you some notes, right? It's absolutely wrong. And it wasn't good. Right? It was a black guy. Yeah.

Wrong roll. But then Gilbert came over last night. You know what? Normally I would be like, for me, five years ago, I would have been like, you know, it's not for me. There's no way I'm going to get it. Yeah. But I did it because I'm going to try. There you go. I have to try. Right. And I think I have a chance. Here, here. And I go into everyone like that. I have to try. It's good. You know what I mean? I know part all you want. Sorry. Right. And it's like, um, you're on a roll. Keep going, baby. This is good. This is your Oscar. No, no, no. I'm trying to help you. Fuck her. You know what I mean? Hey, fuckface, I'm trying to help you. I'm listening. It's all good stuff. I just had a, we had meatloaf.

Would you eat meatloaf? We go into the Noho diner over here. Is it good? Yeah. Yeah. Pretty good. You know it, Georgie. Yeah. Big gay scene. I love what you called it, Georgie. So, um, you live in New York and I talked to you outside and you were like, I was like, would you ever move here? I mean, I gotta tell you, I never thought about it, but then like seeing Whitney's Palace and then this is, this is my dream. Yeah. This is unbelievable. And it's in your, you can do it. Come on. This has got to be a couple of mil. No, you can do it. What? Do it, Mark. Do it. You can do it. And you know, that's also a self-esteem thing. Yeah. Like owning this,

I can't even imagine. This is bananas. Before this, we were in a two-bedroom hovel. Hovel. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. We lived in like, for years, for six, or for six years together. Yeah. It was like, we had six animals in a hovel. Gosh, yeah. Third floor of an apartment building. Jesus. Right. And it was, that's when we started the podcast, we'd have to bring people up and it was like embarrassing in many ways. Yeah. It was embarrassing because, you know, I would bring up comics and people that I started with. There are huge stars now. Yeah. Even mansions. And I used to bring up at the shitty elevator and go, I still live here. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't made it yet. Yeah. Oh, shit. And it's like, I, then all of a sudden,

I'm like, you know, no, I can do this, right? And you are going to be able to do that too. Well, this is turning a weird self-esteem. But I'll tell you, I appreciate it. The podcast is not all, you know, these other guys, these other pussies, you know what I mean? They do it, right? They're all about cackle, cackle, cackle, yuck, yuck, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Papa sometimes, you know, that's me, you know, sometimes I want to, you know, let's connect, man. Let's connect, baby. I'm in. Yeah. I'm a therapy guy. Yeah. Are you in therapy? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. For years, changed my life. Yeah, me too. I love therapy. And you're in AA. Yeah. That's a lot of help you're getting. Yeah, I'm getting a lot of help. And you're still twisted.

I'm fucked up. Yeah. Yeah, well, you see me loaded. I can't wait. Yeah. So at the end, by the way, you know, because I don't know you that well, and at all, actually. Yeah. This is our first conversation. Yeah. And we, and I was, you know, I was telling the guys, you know, hope I, you know, but I immediately, as soon as we started talking, thought, I would love to have this guy back. You know, this guy is great. I'd love to come back. Well, you're a real comic. I feel like comic to comic. You can feel it. You can feel it. In the words of Seinfeld, every comic has 10,000 things in common before they even met. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we do. We have a lot in common. Ended the skateboarding and all other stuff. And it's like, they're just something. There's a something. Yeah.

I mean, are we going to fuck? What? I don't want to fuck you. All right. I will. Okay. I would. Yeah. Consent. If we were on an island, though, and let's just throw out that scenario. Sure. Right. Fuck the alien one. Thank you. You and I are an island. How long would it take for us to fuck? I would be in that mouth so fast. Oh, I'm the one that's a suck. Yeah. Oh, come on. With that little crust. Yeah. Yeah. I imagine like 30 years on this island. And one day I just go, can you give me a blowjob for once? No. My mouth is all dried and cracked. I'm tired. I'm tired. It's been like 90,000 times. You know what I mean? Can I please? And you would not let you wouldn't blow me one time? I'd probably blow you, bitch. Okay. Circum-sized? No. Yes, ma'am. Well,

how do you not know if you... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, is that... Circum-sized. No, because I'm beginning to think because I'm getting old that the skin is now growing back over it a little bit. So I have to... I told you that. Yeah. I have to now physically untuck it sometimes. Yeah, I just think that's just hardened. It's calloused over the years. Oh. From all that bottom pumping. Oh, right. Bottom pumping. Callous. Bottom pumping. Callous. You guys go in the butt stuff? I don't like the way you... That's not into butt stuff. Yeah. I've offered the butt stuff many times. He's not into butt stuff. Are you a butt stuff? No. Yeah, I'm not butt stuff either. Yeah, you're a butt stuff. I guess I am. Yeah. No, you like it or you won't...

You don't like doing it? I don't like it because it doesn't have natural lubrication. Yeah. I have definitely... Which is weird. Every single guy I've dated, I've fingered every guy's asshole. Really? It's a power move. It's not. A lot of dudes like it. It's back in the day when they used to rape and pillage. You know what I mean? And guys used to... Let's say I was... Right? I'm in Genghis's clan. Yeah. And we're going into a village, right? And he's like, oh, we have to... You know what I mean? Burn it down. And I'm gonna be like, yeah. And we will fuck them. I'm like, yeah. And I would go to the manliest dude, right? And fuck him in the ass. Nice. Yeah. Just to show my power. That's a power move. That's what you do in jail. Exactly. It's like, this is what...

Is that how you establish pecking order in jail? Oh, yeah. Pegging order. Pegging order. Yeah. I always do wonder that. I feel like you would thrive in jail. Yeah. Why? He just is really strategic. He's not a physical man, but he's a cunning, cunning man. Interesting. I do mind games. Yeah. You would fuck with the contraband. You would do some... You'd have the cigarettes. Yeah. You'd be that guy. Yeah. They would open my body up if I died, and they would see 90,000 balloons. Harrow and balloons. Harrow and balloons. Yeah. Yeah. I would try. 99. Harrow and balloons. 99. Harrow and balloons. All right. So at the end of our show, we do a thing called Unhelpful Advice. And people email us questions. We try to give them advice. Oh, great. Yeah.

I could do five hours with you, but I'm not gonna do what Whitney did. Thank you. All right. We're ending it. Already? Yeah. No, we're doing this a closing bit. Oh, okay. Yeah. Before that, we asked... I actually have a Patreon question from Fatty Nguyen. Mark has stated to be an atheist, but as a native of New Orleans, a hotbed of spirits and Creole religions, does Mark believe in ghosts? And does he have any good ghost stories? I don't. And I look down upon anyone who does believe in ghosts. I think it's silly. Uh-oh. No, here's... I have a question for you. I think it's amazing. It's too convenient. Oh, there's a ghost in here. It's like, well, wouldn't there be millions of ghosts from all the people

that died? And this ghost has just happened to be moving shit around subtly. I don't know. Well, this spiritual energy, I think that's real. There's all this energy and stuff from dead people and other people who live before us. I'm with you on that. But the caspery kind of... Oh, did you ever see the movie They Live? No. Oh, with the glasses? Yeah. Yeah, it's been a while. So it's Roddy Roddy, Roddy Piper was in a movie called They Live. He puts on a pair of glasses, and then you can see all the stuff. You're just not wearing the glasses, my friend. I don't buy it. It's too perfect. And here's the deal, bro. My grandmother was in this bedroom, and you can feel her. Shut up. All the time. It doesn't make sense. Yeah. But you don't believe

in God at all. Nah, I wish I did. I don't either. So let me... It's hard because he's very much a believer. Oh, well, that's good. No, it's not. They say believers are happier, healthier. It's true. I agree. But here's... And I know my belief, right, is tied in to the fear of dying. Of course. Right? Because without it, I would just be completely and utterly petrified. Yeah. All right? So I have to believe in something so I could just move on with life. And conveniently, if there is something you believed, you're in. You're right about that. Have you seen the documentary Hands on a Hard Body? No. It's basically this contest in Texas where they get like, what, 20 people? They start with like 50 people. It's a radio show. Come on down. You know what I mean?

Phil's car lot. Yeah. And we're doing a contest to get this brand new truck. And so they get 20 contestants. They have to put their hand somewhere on the truck. And whoever, you know what I mean? Oh, I've heard of that. If they're hand off of it, they get disqualified, eliminated. But the types that they have on the, the types of people that they have on there, like you could basically, Bobby and I were betting on who we think would last the longest. And I always put my money on the religious freak just because that belief in something bigger really keeps them there longer. And that woman never, she was speaking in tongues and she was there for like three days. Yeah. Hand on this truck. Yeah. For me, it's like, I have this. Yeah. That's a good point. I just have

this fear of dying. That makes sense. Do you have a fear of dying? Of course. That's why I want to do so much before I go. It feels like it makes your life longer. You're doing stuff. You're not wasting it. We're only here for one blip. That's why these people get so complaining and annoying and sad. I'm like, this is it. This is the, this is the only shot we got. And you're just going to bitch and moan on yelp. Come on, hug your kids. Go outside. Get a hobby. Retard. Yeah. So what you're saying is, is that that thought processes and what you, what you believe is why you become as successful as you have. I mean, yeah, I think just go for it. Go for everything. Be a comic. That's very, that's a good, you know what, buddy? Let me say this to you. Thumbs up to you, man. Hit me. Hey,

you as well. You. Come on. I, you know, I, I, I think that's a good message for our listeners to hear. Yeah, go for it. No matter what it is, take a shot and you could fail, but at least you went. Yeah. Even if you're working in a cubicle. Or enough, Mark. Sorry. Enough of it. All right, white man, take it over. To do the thing. Hey guys, we got some big papayas over here. This week's unhelpful advice is brought to you by the big papayas over at Patreon. These are, you know, I love all our listeners, but you know, in every army, you have generals and sergeants and stuff, and these are the generals and sergeants. Okay. We've got Colonel Judy Tan. Yeah, we got Sergeant Dominic Rodriguez. Oh yeah. Served three duties in Baltimore.

We've got Adam Levois. Is that his name? Is it Levois? Levois. Levois, Levois. Yeah. We got Chief Kyle Snuffer. Oh yeah. From the Snuffer clan. We got Rachel Wilkins. She's a sniper and infantry woman. Yep. We've got Bon Johnson explosives. We've got Melvin Flores, medic. Supply Sergeant. And Supply Sergeant. We've got Rebecca Torres. She shines. Pilot. The pilot. Jet pilot. She shines the pilot. She's the pilot. And the planes. And she's great at it. Havie is from Singapore. Enemy number one. Uh-oh. He's on the other side. I don't know why he's on this list. And we got Rico Salvador. Salvador. Salvador. Salvador. Salvador. Rico Salvador. Is he there? You know what he does? In training camp, you know that net that you have to climb? Yeah. Early in the morning, he wakes up

and he puts up the net. Oh, he's the net guy. Yeah, yeah. So that people can climb it and stuff, right? But you know, he's bad because he doesn't take it down. Yeah. And then it rains and it fucks up the net. Anyway, we got Aaron Wasser. Hold on. What happened to the Strom? Isn't it Aaron Wasser Strom? It's always been Aaron Wasser. No, it's always been Aaron Wasser Strom. Maybe he changed his name. Maybe he got remarried. You know what I mean? Maybe Strom was his like, you know, yeah, the wife's name. Yeah. And then he got remarried or he got a divorce and now it's just Wasser again. What does he do? Aaron Wasser Strom. Yeah. He clipboards. That's a very important job. Yeah. You know, like every in the morning, you know, you got a confused look on your face.

I don't understand. Yeah, yeah. So basically, it's like, you know, when you wake, when you, when you have new cadets and they're at the base camp or whatever, and you read off their names, what is that in? Are you okay? A clipboard, right? Yeah. Aaron Wasser Moons does that. Okay. Finally, we have Nile Red. We have Nile Red. Wow. And Nile Red. Are you okay? No. Get us some water. Nile Red. What does he do? Nile Red. He's a harbor pilot. He died. No, harbor pilot. He tells a harbor pilot. He tells where the other boats to go. Like the reef is shallow here. He still doesn't. He's a ghost. He still doesn't. He's a ghost. Okay. He's a ghost of Nile Red. Nile Red died in World War One. Yeah. Okay. And then now he's a ghost. Glad to have you back,

Nile Red. Right. And he now does the thing that you just said. Yep. Anyway, thank you. And hopeful advice with Mark Norman. Hey, Tiger Ballet. Huge fan. Just found out about your podcast this year a little late, but listen to every single episode. My question is, what are your thoughts on guys wearing earrings? And this listener sent this in because he's wearing them, but he's feeling a little self-conscious. A black guy is different. Is that a black guy? Uh-oh. It's Filipino. Brown guy? Oh, a brown. Could be. He could mix, actually. His eyebrows are from Groucho. He's a couple of caterpillars, eh? Yeah. Wait, those are earrings? They look photoshopped on there. They're studs or whatever you call them. He wants to know, can he still pull this off? Is

this cool? Do women look down on this? Do guys think it's stupid? I think it's, it just doesn't matter. If you're unsure and you already don't have the confidence walking into it, it will never work for you. Good point. You gotta own it, baby. You know, my left ear, did you know my left ear appears? Anything, you're so confident. I remember the first time I had sex with you, you were wearing cheetah-printed panties, not even men's underwear. Yeah, yeah, women. And he was like dancing in a corner like this, in a dark corner, and he was doing the air guitar. Hilarious. You would call that confident? I would call that a cry for help. Before I met my current girlfriend, I remember them telling me that story, and I did that to a girl just to see what would happen. Did they work?

Oh, yeah. I air guitar right with my pews. They laugh. Wait, I stretch my pews out, and I do tunes on the, I stretch it out, and I do tunes on the fucking, I place their way to heaven on the fucking thing. That's so hard to do. So hard to do. It's so intricate, but my point is, is that I've always been like that, you know? Yeah. So it's like, this young guy, it's like, you just have to, you know, anything that, it's like a peacock. Right. Yeah, I always peacock it. Only males. Right. It's like, express yourself. Pea hen. Right. And I think that, you know, the loudest, you know, the peacock is the one that gets the most pussy. Not always. What do you mean? Stomped. We've said time and time again. Like, I always think the loudest person in the room always has

the least to say. I agree. Not saying. Listen, bro, bro, you have to, this is a 50 50 podcast, bro. All right. You can agree with her and I'm fine with it. I'm not saying you're the loud guy. I'm just saying, I'm saying, express yourself, bro. See how low you are. You're not loud at all. Yeah. That's all right. So, um, okay. Yeah, I don't think peacocking is the way to go. I'm just saying, love what you're doing and do you do you don't ask people that you can't seek outward validation because that's just a turn off makes the pussy all right. Good to know lady. Yeah. Keep it real. You have any other questions? Yeah, sure. I'm 30, but now I've always had a difficult time connecting with people and felt like an outsider. Over the last four years, I must have

talked over 100 women on dating apps meeting dozens. And the only one I did feel a strong connection with that really understood me, didn't like me. And she ended up toying with me and kind of broke my heart. Do I, do I seem doomed to always feel like an outsider? I feel like as time goes on, it feels harder and harder to connect or relate as I sink deeper into lonely behavior. We got an incel here possible shooter. That's the start interest, but I've been there. We've all been there. It's a phase. Although 30 is a little late for that, bro. I don't know what to say to that because it's like, in many ways, I understand it because that's kind of like some of my internal dialogue as a young man. I think that you say him, right? Yeah. But I think

that when, let me ask you this, when you started doing standup, that side kind of dissipated. That's what I was going to say to this guy, some advice. Get a thing. Start playing the guitar. Go deep into fantasy football, whatever it is. And then a woman will be into that thing because you're passionate about it. Yeah. Because it's not going to be passionate about you. No offense. This guy's a boy. But you got to get a thing. Get something you love because you're putting it all on her and it's unfair to her. And then when you see her, it's coming out of your eyes. You're so desperate. So you got to fall in love with something else first. Also worth noting, he says he's been on like hundreds of, like it's just like watching porn all day, every day for

years. Your dick just won't get hard for the most HD. Can I tell you a story? You got to scale it down a little bit so that you can differentiate one from the other because it all starts to just feel the same. It's burnout. Can I tell you a story? Treating like I've never told before. I know a guy named John Kingsley and this guy is redheaded. He weighs about 250, right? He's got freckles from the forehead all the way down to his toes. There's not a region where there isn't freckles, right? He's mopey and I knew him back in the day when I was in my 20s and he goes, I want to kill myself. I go, go ahead. You know what I mean? Whatever. You know what I mean? But then he found wood carving. Oh, there you go. Get a thing. So he went to start wood carving

and he became really good, right? He could take like a piece of wood and, you know, make a mermaid or whatever it might be, right? And one day he was out in the woods and he found a piece of wood and he was deep in and he sees a lady in there out there who's hot as fuck, right? Who's also picking up wood. Oh, come on. And then she goes, she walks up to him and she goes, is this, you know what I mean? Do you think this will hold up in the, I don't know much about that, right? He's like, yeah, but you know, I think whatever you're trying to make this piece of wood that I found and they started talking and they got married. Wow. Find your wood. Do something. Yeah. I made up that story. Oh my God. Just lying live. Is he thinking of Ben Kingsley? That was great,

man. Pretty good. Pretty good. Would you believe it though? Yeah, it was pretty good. Yeah, you're Kaiser Sosa. I'm like, I don't know anything about wood carving. You know, a couple of years ago when we first started this podcast, Bobby fought me on this for a whole hour saying that more people knew and found Kaiser Sosa more relevant than Elon Musk. No, no, no. That was never the argument. That wasn't the argument. That was the argument. The argument was more famous. Kaiser Sosa or Elon Musk at that time. I said Elon Musk. He's like Kaiser Sosa. This is what? Three years ago. Seven years ago. Go ahead. It's because you didn't know who Elon Musk was. Yes. At the time. At the time, you didn't know who he was. Let me ask you something, dude. Do you

want a job here? To be fair, to be fair, I also said something ignorant like he invented Tesla coils or something like that. So I just. It's close. There are other producers I can get. Look at the guy behind you. You stay, George. It's a 50-50. You're staying. Don't let this man threaten you. Yeah. It means nothing. You have a guy shadowing you right here, man. The same Hawaiian shirt. He doesn't know Mark. I brought him in here, bro. Yeah. And he's not gay. Anything you want to promote, Mark? Oh, hey. Thanks for having me. Don't be like that. No, no. I got two pods of my own. Times are tight. The pandemic. I started another one. We might be drunk and I have one called Tuesdays with Stories and watch my special on

YouTube. We're almost up to 7 million views. It's called out to lunch. Is that a play on Tuesdays with Maury? Yeah. Nicely done. I don't know what that is. Maury who? Povitch? Who's more famous? Maury or Elon Musk? You know who Kaiser Suzy is, though. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Great movie. You say Suzy. You don't know Kaiser Suzy? Just rands now. Mark, so you do your podcasts in New York. So whatever New York I could hit you up and do yours? Hit me up. We don't have a guess, but we'll make it. Hit me up. Don't get. Just hit me up. We'll get a coffee. No, you don't have guests on your podcast? No, which is why it's doing so poorly. But we probably should. So if you come in, we'll make a little baby seat. Okay. No, I'm not asking you to make a seat. Come by. Right? But it was

like a way for me to maybe try to get in your world. I would love you to get in my world. And then you kind of cut it off. I don't want to get coffee with you. We're not gay. You know what I mean? What do we have coffee for? Sit down at Yum Yum Donuts and have coffee? That sounds pretty good. Who's that, your uncle? But yeah. Yeah, good point. But you don't drink. Yeah, I don't drink. So I want coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nothing else to do. What clubs do you play the seller? All of them, yeah. Yeah, all of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to do it. But I'm on the road like a madman. So come out and say hello. Do you know what's your favorite clubs? Oh, there's one in Wuhan now.

I don't know. You know, I like Denver. I like San Francisco. I like Phoenix. Comedy works downtown. One of my favorites. Unbelievable. They're right there. Yeah. I love Madison is amazing. Oh, comedy. What was that? State. State. Beautiful. One of my favorites. Did two albums there of all time. I love that room. That room is just something magic in that magic in that room. What else? Denver, Phoenix, San Francisco. Can't stand up live or I like the improv. Tempe. Yeah. One of my favorites. Great room. Yeah. We're on the wall in a lot of these places, by the way. Thank you. That's got to be nice. It's great. Yeah. Your clothes, though, so I didn't recognize. Do you ever play Schaumburg? Yeah, that's a big room. But I've

done it. But it's a good one. It's a good one. But I like the Zanies. I like that gritty downtown pool. I know you do, baby. I know you do. I enjoy it. Okay. Well, you can sell out 18 shows because it's so little. Yeah. You feel cool. Give Mark a round of applause. He was amazing. Oh, come on. Thank you for having me. Big fan. It's an honor. Praise Allah. Hey, guys. You guys asked when you delivered Mark Norman in the house. Finally, somebody with a wider voice than me on the pod. I love it. Whoa. Andres, what happened? Say my name. Oh, God. George Kimmel. Thank you. Oh, I like the way you were so commandful. Someone's a grumpy dad. Someone's not sleeping. No, I need respected authority now that I'm a dad. How crazy is that?

You got fired in two shows in a span of two weeks. Is that crazy? Yep. I'll get fired next week of the week after that. Keep coming back. Bloodbath fires you. Man, so many firings. George, I want to just give a shout out to our sponsors. Can you tell us a little bit about Com? All right. Drift off to Dreamland easier with Com Sleep Stories. Com is offering a special limited time promotion of 40% off a Com Premium subscription at com.com slash belly. Last longer. Go to getromand.com slash belly and get $10 off your first order of swipes plus free two day shipping. Just keep swiping your piece. Also, guys, if you want to send any questions like today, you can send those to adviceunhelpful.gmail.com. And if you're wondering,

hey, how did that one person ask Mark that super cool ghost question? You can do that patreon.com slash tiger belly. What other content do we have there, George? Oh, we got vlogs. We've got the singing competition. We've got the old podcasts. We were doing an extra half an hour a week if you haven't checked those out. Archives. Those are all classic. We got the what else? Well, the top top secret vlogs that are out now. We got ahead. Did a few special episodes that are coming out. Is it in a month now? Yeah, but yeah, we got some special episodes, but we got some behind the scenes of those up on the patreon as well. That's what's up, guys. Make sure you follow tiger belly on Instagram at tiger belly.

Everything Bobby, Leah, Bobby live, everything George at George underscore Kimmel, everything Kalala Klamdikey and myself at Gilbets. George, anything you want to shout out, you should. You should shout out something right now. What? What should I shout out? Anything. No, I got nothing to shout out. Nothing at all. Nothing to shout something out. I want you to because I haven't heard you shout anything out in a while and every time I've asked on the race. I feel like I have to shout out my wife. Is that what you're asking for? Shout out your wife. Oh, without any prodding, shout out to my wife. Thanks for the child. Oh, thanks for giving the birth. You played your part too. Good job.

Guys, you want to listen to some MMA stuff? Check out We Out Here MMA with me and some friends that you guys may know. Was there a special guest on that lately? Oh, guys. Oh, yeah. Five weeks ago. Now, once this comes out, guys. Oh, true. Well, guys, We Out Here MMA, we had the Slup King on my MMA podcast. We'll check that out on the YouTube. All right, guys, we love you so much. Send George all. Send him love. The guy's been fired twice. If you listen to this now, he's been fired twice and he's had a stressful time trying to sleep. So send him your love and also make sure you DM him for sticker bags. Bye. Bye. No. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Barely Ad Free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today.

Or you can listen Ad Free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com slash survey.