TigerBelly - Ep 297: Anthony Jeselnik Brings the Funeral Vibes

Episode Date: May 19, 2021

Bobby pitches himself as a friend. Anthony is a meal friend. We talk Korean dogs, epilogues, comics pushing comics, and our tributes to Carl LaBove and Jeff Scott.Anthony Jeselnik is a stand-up comedian who can currently be heard on the All Things Comedy podcast THE JESELNIK AND ROSENTHAL VANITY PROJECT. His new Netflix special FIRE IN THE MATERNITY WARD is on Netflix. Anthony has written for and appeared on several roasts for Comedy Central, most notably THE ROAST OF DONALD TRUMP and THE ROAST OF CHARLIE SHEEN.Please support our sponsors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. I don't know, like fatigue becomes like a big reason to like complain and whine for a thing. Oh yeah, I mean, Bobby's super healthy. So like normally, you know, wouldn't it impact him above this? I'm just a little bit, you know. What's the different age demographics?

I hope so. I hope so. I hope so. I hope so. I hope so. I hope so. I hope so. Okay, good.

So, wow, wow. I love them. Nice feet. Look at this, he's got nice, long feet. Skinny legs. He's got the whole thing. All right, begin. Five, four.

Oh, wait, wait. Stop. Stop. Don't look at, why you keep looking at me? We'll, we'll. All right, so here's the deal. What? Let's, I like it.

So don't say anything until I say your name. Okay, go ahead. Thank you for telling me. You're welcome. ["Wake Up"] Five, four, three, two, one. Oh, God. What a day, huh?

What did I woke up? I woke up and just nothing happened. I woke up at two. It was at the weight of the world was on me. And it was one of those things where last night I got, I didn't really eat last night. So I got, I woke up really hungry. So I have the, I got my little juice here.

Really good from Nature Well. Nice. And I always get the, what's the banana one? What's it called? I don't know. Okay, it's delicious. It's got peanut butter in it. With oatmeal.

With oatmeal, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got, did a very exciting podcast today. I'll tell you this right now. Because, but before we'd even get into that, I want to talk to, what's your name? George. Good to see you, your father, how's that been? Great.

Good. You look good, your hair's different? I feel like your hair is different. Side parted. It's more like fatherly. Side parted. Yeah. You have a different energy about you.

Congratulations. We've got my, you know, I keep saying that you have a flat face and you don't. Because my face is way flatter than yours. Do you think so? I think so. Kalaila, be honest, is his face flatter than mine? Yours is just wider.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your face is wider. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a 2D king. My face is Delaware, you're Texas. Jesus Christ. You chose the smallest state and the largest state.

But the flatness, I'm, you know what I mean, I'm the guy. Okay, thank you. Okay. My beautiful girlfriend, Kalaila. Thank you. And you're a beauty and you're the love of my life. It's unfortunate. It's unfortunate.

I appreciate you. This next comic that I want to introduce that's inside my house. I've been wanting him on my podcast for years. I would have to say that he's got sort of a James, a dark James Dean kind of a vibe. You know what I mean? And he's always put together like,

I would have to say that like, you know, in terms of comics that dress pretty good. I think Kevin Christie is there. You know what I mean? I know you have feelings about how Nick Youssef is dressed, but I like how Nick Youssef's dressed. But he's like very like, you know, very chic, I think, you know, I'm hit and miss, but I buy the expensive stuff.

That's what I mean. I wear the Gucci glasses, you know what I mean? I got these Japanese pants, you know what I mean? And, but this next guy's dress, he dresses good. He always wears leather jackets and I always want to go, I already get that leather jacket. But then it wouldn't look good on me, but he's thin. He's lean.

He's thin, he's lean. And here's another thing. You know, I've seen him on the television and I have to admit, and I don't admit this about any other comic. Maybe there's a two or three of them. Like when Burr performs, I'll watch. I watch him because I always want to get, because his stand-up is like, he's so good

and his joke writing is so good. It's like precision. It's precision joke. Is that, am I saying that right, precision? Precision joke writing. There's always a switch, right? There's always a button, right? And I always want to guess where the button is

and I'm usually wrong. You know what I mean? Which is great. That's the mark of a good writer. And I've always been kind of intimidated by him because he's a man of few words. You know what I mean? It's almost as if like, it's one of those things like,

how's it going? I'm good. Your hands shake. Yeah, I get like the thing Michael J. Fox has. What is Michael J. Fox have? Parkinson's. I start having Parkinson's and I go, see you later.

You know what I mean? But he agreed to do it. I was going to push him, because he came here at four. I was going to push him to six o'clock because Leslie Jones called me. She goes, I want to do four. That's so true. So I go, I don't know.

Maybe, how long are you going to do? I want to do three hours, baby. You know what I mean? Whatever I got. I don't think that's the case. We got him. Anthony Gieselnek, everybody. Thank you.

I'll just admit this up top. From the second you said, don't say anything until I say your name. I just got angry and angry. I could tell. As you went on and on. I could tell. Thank you for doing this, man.

No, thank you for having me. I appreciate the invite. We've been friends a long time. And I don't do a lot of podcasts. I'm happy to be here doing this one. Thank you. So for me, remember, I ran into you at the comedy store. And I said, you didn't die.

And then you looked at me and you said, did you think that I was going to die? How did you do during the pandemic? Was it depressing for you? I lost my shit real quick, but in almost a good way, where I think that by the time it was over, I was okay. But I was supposed to be shooting a TV show like two weeks before.

Like it was scheduled to shoot. We had it all booked. We had it written. I had been fitted for new suits and everything. And then it got shut down that for the first month, I'm like, are we coming back? Do I have to keep working out? Am I maintaining this?

I couldn't just lose it. So that made me even crazier. And then once the show was canceled, like flat out. Wait, you got a show that you haven't even shot yet and it was canceled already. I had shot the first season, a show called Good Talk on Comedy Central. We're about to shoot the second season.

And so I was like, well, I've got employees relying on me. And the big thing was like the fitted suit. I'd been working out five days a week, not drinking, not smoking, eating really well. And so I couldn't just let myself go the way people did. And that was so stressful. And then after like a month, I just started, the show got canceled.

I started hitting the bottle. It was like time didn't mean anything. So I would just like, the only way I would leave my house was like to walk to Walgreens and get a bottle of vodka. And then like a couple of weeks after that, friends were like, we're concerned about you. And I said, okay, like I have friends who will say,

everyone thinks I should go to rehab, but fuck that. I'm like, if all my friends told me to go to rehab, I would go to rehab immediately. So as soon as I had like, we're concerned, I said, okay, knock that off, got myself a dog. And then I was on like dog duty for the rest of it. And then- Well, that's how you know you're not alcoholic. Because that's the thing.

It's like when you can drink excessively, normal human beings do that. It's just that when people confront them, right? Alcoholics will keep drinking. I mean, you didn't. Yeah, I was never like a secret drinker. It was like, I'm very open about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it.

But once I got the dog, then it was like, okay, it's not fun to be hungover and dealing with a puppy. So I, it was very easy to kind of clean up. And then the past couple of months, I've been like working out again. You know, I got the vaccine. So I started doing standup. And standup was my social life.

You know, I don't have a lot of friends, but I would see people every night doing shows. And that was taken away from me. So I was, I was just, I feel like I'm in a great place now. And people who were good in the beginning, who were like working out a lot and doing yoga and stuff, now they're kind of losing it.

Correct. I feel that I feel like I'm in a good place. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting what you said, because I think we're, I mean, it's gonna be strange to say, but that we're very alike in many ways, in the sense that like I too don't have, my social life is always comedy clubs.

Like I'm not one of those guys, like you'll hear like two comics will literally go to, like to hell for a vacation together. It's like, that's fucking weird. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I see them at this club, maybe every once in a while, they'll be like, Sebastian will go,

hey, you know, Lana's on it down. You want to go to swingers? And I'll go to swingers with them, but like. Wait, wait, wait. That was your impression of Sebastian? Man of stucco. Just, just let's, just let's stop. Yes.

Okay. I just wanted to confirm. It was terrible, but I'm not a man of voices. I gave it a go. I committed to it. Anywho, you and I are very like in that way, yeah. Yeah. So I don't go out like, you know, I don't have plans.

Have you been invited to a wedding? Have you been invited to a wedding? Like I have a good friends who've gotten married that I find out way after the wedding. You just don't want me at your wedding. And I'm thrilled not to have to go to a wedding. Yeah. I don't take it as an insult.

It's like, thank you so much for not making me do this. It doesn't, because there are weddings that I knew if I was invited to, I wouldn't even gone. But then if they don't invite me, I get hurt by it. Really? Yeah, yeah. But I just want the gesture, you know, I want somebody just to reach out.

You've never been to a single comedy wedding. No, I mean, I got invited to Natasha, Ligero and Moshe Cash's wedding, but I had to get, it was like during Oddball. So like a bunch of comics had to go. We were like, let's do the gig. And then we'll go afterwards to the party. And then we realized that we'd be the biggest assholes ever.

If we just rolled in like all wasted at like at midnight. Yeah, yeah. Talking about all the money we made. How was the wedding? You know, we didn't do that. We said that hurts me right there. I was not invited to their wedding. I'm not the vibe you want at a wedding.

What's the vibe? A funeral. Like I'm not, I'm not, I'm not dancing. I'm the guy in the corner talking trash. Yeah, because, but I, what, but I don't see you as a, like when I see you on stage, I go, that's, you know what I mean? That is, I guess, a part of him, but I don't really see you like that.

So do you feel like that during the day as well? Because your shit is so dark. Yeah, I'm not as dark as I am on stage, obviously, but I also have like just a low tolerance for social bullshit. You know what I mean? Like I don't want to make small talk with somebody's uncle. Like I'm just not good at that. That I'd rather just be standing in the corner and by myself

than, than, you know, mingling with your family. I know you're not very as dark as you come across on stage because I just listened to your last podcast and you were talking about the Noid for about the 30 minutes. 30, 45? Yeah. I mean, it's the Noid. You can't just, you can't squeeze that into five minutes.

I didn't grow up here, so it was brand new. What's a Noid? What's a Noid? I was fascinated, I'm fascinated by the Noid now. A Noid is what I am listening to you talk right now. A Noid. The Noid. You don't remember the Domino's Pizza mascot, the Noid?

No, I'll show you. Okay, what is it? I'll show it to me on the screen. It was like an animated claymation. They made a video game out of it. It's daredevil. He tried to ruin pizzas. Oh yeah.

And he was always getting foiled. He was like the, on my podcast, I described it as like the Wiley Coyote and the Domino's Pizza Delivery guy was the Road Runner. And he's sort of like a burglar, right? And was there a video game? There was a video game, yeah. I did not, I knew that it existed.

I'd never played it. And then people were like, when after the podcast, people were telling me explaining what the game was that sounded crazy. You Pogo Sticked everywhere. You Pogo Sticked everywhere. And you threw, I think you threw bombs maybe.

And you had to get in a pizza eating contest with a Noid that was a different color. Oh, so that's the game. Oh, it looks terrible. So what, they got rid of the Noid? They got, no, they got rid of it. I mean, it's been 30 years maybe, but they got rid of it because it was around

for a couple of years. There was a guy whose last name was Noid. And he had mental problems. And he thought, but with this ad campaign, he thought they were making fun of him. So he went into a Domino's Pizza, took two hostages, and his demands were stopped using the Noid as a mascot. And I want like a large pizza with everything on it.

They gave him the pizza, he gave up, and they stopped using the Noid after that. And they said it had nothing to do with the hostage situation, but it was part of the story. It had to, it had to. And now they brought him back. Did the guy die? Is that why they brought him back? I mean, I hope he's dead,

but I don't know if that had anything to do with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that your joy tank is a little higher because the Noid has returned? Yeah. You like the Noid. I like, I mean, I'm dark, but it's an absurd darkness that I really enjoy absurdity.

So when I, I was right about to film my podcast and I saw the Noid was back. And I was like, let me just talk about this as if it's a huge deal. And it ended up becoming a running thing throughout the attack. Yeah, yeah. Well, congratulations.

On the Noid? Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. I'm wondering what would come back for me that would be very exciting. Were you excited when the McRib came back? No, I never had it before.

I'll never have it. But it's like those carnation breakfast bars. That one, you would flip back. So there's a carnation breakfast bar that I grew up with and they stopped making it. And people that grew up in my generations, which was the 50s, they're obsessed with it. And if that came back,

that would literally be one meal a day. Like I would replace that bar with like, you know, Jersey mikes or whatever, whatever I eat. You know what I mean? I'd be so fucking excited. Please bring a back carnation. You like Korean movies as well. Love Korean movies.

But you like Koreans. I like, I like, my parents met and were married in Korea. Really? Yeah. On a military base. My dad was ROTC out of Notre Dame and went to Georgetown Law and then went to Korea as an attorney for the military.

And my mom's father was a general. And she was like 19 when they met. And it was one of those things where they dated for a couple of years. And then he was getting shipped out or something where it was like, get married now or you'll never see each other again. And so they got married in Korea.

My dog is from Korea. Was a meat factory rescue. Really? Yeah, they have those. They actually have people volunteer to take them on the plane and escort them, right? Yeah, and I didn't know. I wasn't like, I want a dog from Korea.

I just, I, Whitney Cummings helped me out, like put me up with a rescue organization and they gave me pictures. And I said, this dog is beautiful. And then like, he'll be here in a month. He's in Korea. I didn't know that was even a thing. It's funny because I own a meat factory

and a dog is missing. So. Shut up. So you're obsessed with your dog? Obsessed with my dog. Was he, did you grow up with dogs? Or is this your first go at it? There was a dog in the house when I was a kid,

but it was like my parents took care of it for the most part. The dog liked me. I was the oldest of five kids, but I was the favorite. I think I just like, the first night we got it, I like slept next to the crate. So we always, she always loved me. And then when I went to college, she had to be put down.

So I hadn't had a dog since. And I've always wondered when we're going on the road, I thought I couldn't handle it. But with this now, I thought, I'm going to be in town for years before I can go back on the road again that I really wanted a dog. And the more I found out about these Korean dogs,

they're like insanely loyal. They pick one person and that's, like they're nice to people, but they pick one person as like theirs. Is it a Korean village dog? Korean village dog that I thought, they said it was a Jindo. I love Jindo.

And this is just a, I got the DNA test. It's a village dog mixed with Akita. So they were like, it's 30 pounds, six months old. It's probably not going to grow much more. It's now 65 pounds. Oh wow. Because they did not anticipate the Akita. Akita to overtake genetically.

Yeah, but he's like, when I walk him, people stop me to ask me about this dog. They just, they love it. So how do you get, so you, there's an organization that says ship a puppy on a ship or a plane. A plane. On a plane.

The plane, did you meet it at LAX or no? No, what usually happens is they bring it on the plane. Like in some, usually you felt the paperwork and it comes like to you, you pick it up. But since I was going through another organization, they were going to pick it up and then they bring it in and they let it decompress and I come visit and see if I want to meet the dog.

But the day the dog arrived was the first day that the Black Lives Matter protest started and the city was under curfew. So they're like, you've got to just come get this dog and take it. You don't get to find out anything about it. It's just your dog now. Oh wow.

And where I live was huge. Like every day it was protests. So I'm like comforting this dog, trying to keep it from just like, it's chance just all day long. You can hear them. Wow. It was like, it was my dog right away

and we bonded immediately. There was no, are there going to be problems? Like does it bark too much? I was like, whatever it is, I'm going to deal with it. So I kind of didn't do the normal rescue dog situation. I just kind of, I just took it all and it could, there could have been problems, but I avoided all of them.

Yeah, but did you follow with it instantly? Yes. I mean, I was like, I was so lonely that just, I wanted something like to hold on the couch while I read it was on my computer. And when I didn't realize about these village dogs, gendos, Akitas, they are not cuddly dogs. Like they want their own space.

They'll let you pet them, but like he'll get into bed with me and I'll reach over and kind of pet him and he growls at me. He'll never bite me, but he's like, leave me alone right now. I don't get like the cuddliness, but I'm not a cuddly person.

So like all the dogs issues remind me of me. You know, so I'm like, okay, it makes me love the dog more. And I feel like if someone else had the dog, they wouldn't treat it right. Are you really task oriented too? Because like usually Akitas, gendos, Shiba Inus, they're very, very,

they're not as cuddly with the right task oriented. They like training. And like if I'm doing work around the house, it totally leaves me alone and chills out and will watch me, but the dog does not consider reading or writing to be working. So if I'm like sitting there reading a book, it's like, let's play,

but if I start doing dishes or sweep the floor, then it's like, you can do whatever you want. So I've trained it as much as I'm going to, I think and now it's just, you know, bonding. So let's talk about reading books. You read books? Big reader. Wait, so I, because I don't think I've ever read a book.

Correct. This is why you're afraid of him. Is that what you think that is? Yeah, because we see you, we're so silly and stupid and you seem very like elevated and put together. Yeah, yeah. And we're coming apart at the seams. Yeah, yeah. So that's really just, you call it what it is.

Like we're afraid of him because- I'm not afraid of anybody. Whoa. You're so much brighter than that. Let's put this on. We're dummies. I'm not dumb. We're dummies.

We're dumb, but let me just say something, okay? I ain't afraid of you, Jack. I like you. There's a partition between us doing that. Oh. But I'm just fascinated because I've, okay, listen. You know, I grew up in, next to that bookstore and I used to go there.

Right. So I, and you know, that's where I met Hunter Hasthomson. Are you carried books around you never read? So I met Henry and then also Alan Gingsberg would hang out there and I was a kid and I knew these guys, right? And then the Dennis, the bookstore owner would give me books.

You gotta read this. So like the invisible man or whatever it might be. And I would read the prologue. Is that the prologue, the beginning? Is the prologue the beginning or the end? You have two choices, epilogue or prologue? Epilogue? Epilogue's the end.

I would think that epilogue is last. Not every book has a prologue. Okay, but this specific one did? Are you talking about like the- The contents? Yeah, like the table of contents? Like the about the author section? Yeah, yeah.

The forward. Whatever that might be. That's forward, yeah, that's a forward. It's a forward? Yeah. You've read the first page. I read the first couple of pages, thank you. The dedication page?

Or just the publisher. It'll say like, you know what I mean? Published by Whittinghouse or whatever. You know what I mean? It'll say some date. I'll read that part. That's really all you need. Yeah, and then I'll get into it, right?

And is it because- Let me just ask this. What is the question? I should be holding a gavel. I'm judging you so hard. I know, I can feel it, I can feel it, right? Is it because I don't have- Cause I know how to read obviously, right?

Is it because either I'm- I don't think it's obvious, Bobby. I don't believe you. I believe you. I have an imagination, right? I have an imagination. And I just feel like that I could do it. Is it because I'm ADD?

Yeah, it's exactly. You have adult ADD. Thank you. You also have a learning disability. Which is what? I mean, I know you've been diagnosed with adult ADD. I just think that you mix up words a lot. You do have dyslexia.

I think you have dyslexia. There we go, that's why. But again, I'm not a doctor. It's just my observations. I have dyslexia. What a revelation. I heard something once. It was like, if you read a book, a good book,

you do the work for the first hundred pages and the book takes over. And I believe that's true. I'll give up a book after a hundred pages if I'm not into it. But you really have to kind of be like, this might not be that fun. I don't know who these people are.

It's like, if you watch Game of Thrones, for the first half of the season, you have no idea what the fuck is going on. But if you stick with it, eventually you get it. Maybe you go back and watch those first six episodes again. Did you watch Game of Thrones? I did. Okay, good.

Did you like it? Loved it. And then just like everybody else, the ending made me, I was like, this sucks so hard that it ruined the entire series for me. Yeah, but you know, just let me just add this though. It's the pressure. I mean, when you have a cultural show like that,

that's a phenomenon, right? And the globe is watching it, right? I can't imagine being in the writer's room, whatever, and just trying to figure out, because you have so many different voices as well. I'm sure HBO, maybe they don't give notes probably because the show is so big and that they respect the showrunners,

but you would have to think that there's just like months of people just together on a board, trying to figure this out and people arguing about certain things, right? Because it's not like there's one guy like, you know, Aaron Sorkin that's going, you know, my word, this is it, this is the final, this is it, right? I'm sure there's voices in there.

So I think it was inevitable that it was gonna be bad. I mean, it was inevitable that it would be kind of a letdown considering everything that had been going on. I mean, endings are extremely tough to pull off, but this was, I mean, it was almost a slap in the face. They just kind of like, let's just get this over with. Oh, right. That I think upset people.

Yeah, here's another thing. The problem is, it's like, I'm not comparing it to the show Lost, but the show Lost had, every season they would bring up these new things, right? Like the polar bear or some wind or whatever it might be, the fucking, and there was just, you just knew as a viewer,

oh, they're not gonna be able to explain half of the shit. Well, when the whole thing is like, there's gonna be a twist, we're gonna explain it in the end. And when people figure it out, when everyone's like, it's purgatory. They're in purgatory, right? And they're like, no, no.

And at the end, like they're all sitting in their church together. You're like, this is fucking purgatory. Like what you guys, you guys lied to us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you, if you mess up a twist like that, it's really, it really ruins everything. Yeah, it does.

But the voyage, but how about this? What about, is an analogy where, you know what I mean? Like they say, you know, it's about the journey, not the end. I like to say, when it comes to the Game of Thrones, I'll remember the red wedding. I'll remember, you know, the mountain versus the viper.

I'll remember those things that I loved about it, but I would not go back and watch. Battle of the bastards. Oh, I just rewatched Hardhome. You remember Hardhome? No. Hardhome was when Jon Snow was up there with the Wildlings, right?

And he's in some fishing village or whatever. And they have all the dragon glass and stuff, right? The giants there, right? And they're trying to get all the Wildlings under these little boats, right? That was great. And all of a sudden on the cliffs, right, they show the guys and then they're falling

what a fucking episode. I remember I was at a party, like a friend's house was like 10 people and everyone's getting ready to leave. And they're like, actually, we heard tonight's episode of Game of Thrones supposed to be awesome. Do you want to watch it? And we got stoned and for the next like hour and a half,

we were just like completely zoned in blown away. That was maybe one of the best experiences of the show. Yeah, even with you and your family, we would on Sundays get together. And when we went on a family vacation to Hawaii, we all crammed into one room and we were screaming. Remember that? Oh, yeah, yeah.

And now we're going out on the balcony of the hotel and just like, you know what I mean? Pondering. Pondering about it. And analyze with my cigarette, you know how I do it. I look out in the sky and I just, I'll just sometimes I'll go, wow, you know what I mean? To myself, you know what I mean?

What a great show, man. And there's not another show like that right now where it's a cultural, where everybody watches it. Yeah, that was, I mean, that was the big part of the community that you had to watch it. Even though everything's on demand and streaming now, you had to watch it right away because there were articles published immediately.

You wanted to read and see things. You had to talk about it. But yeah, that's missing. Also Twitter too. Twitter was crazy. You couldn't turn on Twitter, you know what I mean? There's just no way. But what I just, wow, what a fucking.

I miss it. And also, are you also understood why? What's the John Snow's real name? He's a Targaryen. No, no, the actor. Oh, oh. To get the actors on a fucking Targaryen. It's not Kid Harrington.

Kid Harrington. Kid Harrington. When he, you know, we got really depressed when the show was over. You could understand why as an actor. I would never want to, would you ever want to be on a show like that? A show like that, yes, but I understand,

like I understand how tough it would be. Like I've talked to people who have acted. Like I had friends who were in that movie, the King Kong one, the new one, Skull Island. And then like we were just fucking stuck in Vietnam for like a year and a half. And the movie's two hours long. So like why do we have to be there that long

that that would drive me crazy? You know, wearing a backpack and pretending to be a military guy would drive me nuts. Well, I have two lines in them. I leave for Hungary next week for six weeks. I have two lines. And I go, how many days are you shooting? Maybe one or two.

I go, I gotta be there for six weeks? Yeah. And then the whole time I know me, I'm going to be thinking about those two lines. I'll just be laying in bed, just saying the lines over and over again. And then when it's actually go time, it's going to be completely gone.

I don't act that much. Like if someone asks me, like here's an offer, come do this part, I'm always there. It's fun. It's fun to kind of like do something different, but I hate auditioning, but I got a part on Marin when I'm playing myself. And my call time was like six in the morning,

but they wouldn't get me to set until like five o'clock at night. I hate when they do that. And by that point, I was so pissed that it comes through my performance. The director would be like, Anthony, you're supposed to be flirting with this girl right now.

And I'm like, uh-huh. And they're like, you look like you want to kill her. And I was like, yeah, I've been in my trailer too long. But that's part of acting is getting past all of that. Yeah. That I just, I can't do it. As a standup, you're so used to the immediacy. That like, if the show is at eight o'clock,

maybe you start at eight, 15, but you know when that's going to be over, that you don't have to stop. Well, not for you the other night with Leslie. No, I just left. What happened? I mean, I don't want to, there's no- We're not stirring, we're not stirring.

Listen, we're not stirring it with this. We're not that kind of podcast friend. Listen, it's got nothing to do with the person. It's like, I don't let anyone, you see me at the store, if somebody walks in to be a special guest, it's like, you can go after me or I'm going to leave. Like I've always been that way.

Yeah. It's not like I'm a big time thing, but I don't like getting bumped. And the problem was, I'm out of practice. And this was my first night back after over a year. Usually- Well, you hadn't gone up at all. At all.

Usually they would have been like, hey, they're coming in. I'd be like, okay, listen, this is important to me. I'm going to go first and then they can do whatever. But they're like, they're going to do five to 10. And when they went way past that, I realized this is, I should have said something earlier. And now I'm just going to go. I'm just going to take off.

I'm not going to confront anybody, but I'm not going to be a part of the show anymore and left. Well, I think that, I mean, the problem with, I hate to bring this name up, but in the 90s, Carlos Mencia is because he bumped so much every night. He would do three or four hours. And he would bump at like 9.45

and then get off the stage at 11.30. And he did it to punish other comedians. Like he thought this is my time now. It wasn't like he had to work on something. Right. You know, if Chris Rock is working on his Oscar speech, like, yeah, come on and do as much as you want. That's fine.

But he would also ask, you know, he'd be like, Hey, is it cool if I did? Of course it's cool. It's an honor. But some people just want to do it to the big 10 people. You know, Mencia was like that. Dan Cook was like that. Like I used to do shows at the improv where it's my show.

You know, I'm headlining the show. There's three comics and then me. And comics would come in just to mess with people that I would stand by those double doors. And if someone tried to come in and do anytime at all, I would stop them right there. No one ever did it. But I was like, that was the fear

because you wouldn't get embarrassed. Like they come in and do half an hour of the crowds excited. But then you come on to headline and you get 10 minutes at the end. And I was never going to let that happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I call it out because it's like, like Dane did it to me at one of the Scholar Stones shows.

It was Dane went up for 45. And then Eliza Schlesinger, right, was supposed to do 15 minutes. But she was so mad that Dane did 45 that she did 45. Right. And they had to turn over the room. So when Eliza got off stage, I had three minutes. Did you go up?

I did. Oh my God. I did go up. But the way, the reason why I went up, I didn't do any jokes. Would you? I just said, I just explained to the crowd what happened and how disrespectful it was. Oh.

You know what I mean? Because I get eight, I like you get, I find it, it infuriates me beyond belief. And I can understand when Chappelle, there's certain guys I understand. Chappelle, obviously, right? Even Bill Burr, I love him. He's respectful for the time.

Yes. I completely allow it, right? But then there are people with, I'm not gonna say any names, but people that, there's a problem with Stand Up is, the best comics don't necessarily make it in terms of name recognition.

Of course. It's a lottery, right? You could be a mid-level to a beginning comic and then land a movie or a TV show or whatnot and then become a name. Yeah, you're famous for not for comedy, but people want to see you on stage. Right.

They love you so much. Right. So then, but they, when they do it, it just kind of irks me. Yeah, I just call that shit out because, I don't know, is that bad for me to do it? Should I just hold it in? No, I think, I see a therapist

and I've learned now what's going to make me mad. You know what I mean? It's because you don't want to have conflict, but if, by avoiding conflict, I'm gonna be thinking about this for three months and talking about therapist, then we're gonna have conflict. Right.

Because I know what I'm gonna be like after this. So yeah, I'll call shit out. I'm happy to say no, and I figured out ways to do it. Ways to say no that isn't insanely rude, but I take care of myself first. So if I was, let's suppose I was a bigger name, hopefully God willing, I will be.

And I bumped you, right, at the comedy store, right? And I said I was gonna do 15 minutes, but I did 40, right? With the kind of relationship you wanna have, and I have right now, would you say something to me afterwards? I would be gone by the time you got off stage and the next time we saw each other. I mean, it would be a conversation.

But I also, I just understand why people do these things. Sometimes you are running time. So it's like Bobby's about to do a special tomorrow. He wanted to come in. But like I have a friend, like Nick Kroll. Nick Kroll's a good friend of mine. I love Nick. And he would be, we'd be on the same lineup

where he was like special drop-in. And they just kept putting him right in front of me. So I was getting bumped by Nick every week. And I was like, Nick, you gotta stop. Put in for, if you wanna put your spot in and you're right before me, that's fine. Or you can go after me. But every time I'm like, I'm ready to go on.

Like, you know, Nick's here, he's going up next. I was like, this can't, I can't deal with this. I can't have it. But at the store, Chris Rock will come in and they'll be like, Anthony's on next, you can go before him. And I'm like, I'm gonna watch Anthony. And I'm like, so when someone like Chris Rock says that, then I feel like no one can really bump me, you know?

That I truly do not allow myself to be bumped. And I forget, and with the situation a week or so ago, I just forgot that. Like I forgot what it was like. And they would said five to 10. And I was like, okay. And then when I realized that wasn't what was happening, and that it was almost personal,

then I got upset and said, I'm just, I'm taking off. But you two are friends as it is or no? No, but not enemies. Like the people, like there's a beef. There's no beef. We've been in the same room three times ever. In your life. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do people give you bad intros? The bad intros I get are like, this is me taking things personally. Like I take comedy very seriously where someone will just be like, you've seen him on David Letterman and I haven't been on Letterman.

So I walk on stage. So I walk on stage pissed off. Or they try to make a joke. Like don't ever make a joke during my intro. I remember Doug Benson once was opening for me at like a big theater show in LA. And he asked to open for, he was like, can I do this?

And I used to open for him. So I was like, it'll be an honor. And he goes, this was back in 2013. I had to show the Jocelyn, the offensive. And he goes, you know, this guy's got a TV show with his name in the title. Here's Anthony Offensive. And then I'm like, so I've got to like walk on stage

to like no applause. And I was like, you just fucked this whole timing. Like I didn't like that. And I mean, I let him, I wasn't mad, but I'm like, that's a bad intro. But people don't usually give me too much guff. Cause I make fun of everyone I follow. If I go on after you at the store,

I'm going to spend my first minute. I know you've done it. To whoever, to Rogan, to you. There's no one who's too big for me to do. Cause it's just like how I do business. So I don't take that personally, but do it after that. Like I wouldn't mess with someone before their set.

Right. No, I totally get it. Yeah, yeah. The guy used to MC a lot when I first started doing comedy in LA because it was the best way to get spots. Nobody wanted to be the MC. Nobody wanted to go first. So I'm like, I'll do those. And they had to stop letting me do it

because I would make fun of everyone after their set. And they hated it. All they did. Oh yeah. Comics are sensitive, Bobby. Because I remember like, cause I remember you just, one day it was almost as if with you, it's like, because I've always been at the store since 1997

as a doorman and whatnot. So I've just been this guy, this little guy hanging out there, right? And then all of a sudden, right? You know, you would hear about Anthony, right? And then once you saw Anthony perform, it was such a clear cut of what he was. You know what I mean?

What the style was. And I've always wanted to ask you this. Do you have the, when you're writing, just let me just say this, because you're really good at switches. Do you have the punchline first and then you do the setup around it? How do you do it?

There is no formula. Like Dan Mence once said, I don't know if you know Dan Mence is one of the greatest joke writers ever. He was always saying, if you think you found a formula, you just found a formula to write bad jokes. So sometimes I do come up with a punchline first and I work backwards.

Usually it's like, here's the situation. What are the different ways it can go that kind of makes sense, you know, that makes sense and still is a twist. But I write, if I write 100 jokes, five of those make it into my act. Like it really is a numbers game for me. To just, you know, hit on a subject over and over again.

But there is no like, it's gotta be like this. Yeah, because I have seen you go up and then like you have a list of new jokes, right? And then some of them don't work. And it's like, for me, my fear, as I have to admit, is, you know, I'm probably even worse. I think I'm one out of every 50. In terms of, it's the shit that I write, right?

Wait, you've only written 50 jokes in your entire life. I mean, I mean. That's good, that hurts. But 40, but yeah, so I'm like, so I have to like eat it a lot. You know what I mean? If I can get something new, right? I'm just, I don't know why, I'm just not one of,

like I've seen comics go up there and they're 50, 50. In terms of new shit, right? And I'm asking you this because I want you to help me, right? Because I'm now, I'm not gonna go up on stage until I have a completely different, I'm writing new jokes. I'm not doing anything in the past anymore. Finally.

So would you, I heard, but when you try new stuff and it doesn't work, how do you, you just know that that's the part of the process? It doesn't hurt you. It doesn't hurt me because I'm holding a piece of paper. They know I'm trying out new jokes, you know? And there was like, like Milton Burl was a great comic.

His jokes all fucking sucked, but he was great at reacting to the jokes not doing well. And that's part of it, that like me crossing off a joke that didn't work and like laughing at how bad it was. So when I'm trying out jokes a lot of times, when it's halfway out of my mouth before the crowd even hears the end,

I know this is not going to work. And there's some that are just too silly for me, but I wouldn't try it anyway because I wrote it. They enjoy that process. So it's different that if I don't have the paper anymore, like if I go up to the store and I'm like, I'm trying out new jokes, I got 30 new jokes, I'll walk out and think, I got 15 new jokes.

And then I put the paper down and I tell the jokes just as if it's just my act. And I've got three new jokes. That piece of paper gives you a lot of grace and it just makes the act, it kind of makes the act three dimensional, if you will. But do you do that on the road? If I have something brand new,

like I'll get like 40, 45 minutes and then I go to clubs and I'm trying to build that into an hour. So if I have new jokes I've written that week, I might throw them down. And people love to hear jokes for the first time. So they enjoy that aspect of it. And again, I'm not doing a five minute joke.

It's like this is a 30 second thing. It either works or it doesn't. Right. And so they like it, even if it's bad, like they enjoy that they got to hear it. Yeah. But like the joke that you do about like, going to the abortion center, right?

And then I think there's a joke, I forget how it goes, but basically there was a bunch of kids there and they were all ghosts. You hear me? That joke? Yeah. Which is such a great, right?

And whenever you bring up that bit, right? Cause there's a bunch of jokes in that bit, right? I get excited because I wanna see what the audience is gonna react, right? And especially doing that ghost thing, right? Is that sometimes you'll see like out of town or you know what I mean? And it's almost as if like,

you'll get a groan more than a laugh, right? Do you still revel in that? Oh yeah. I mean, I want both. If it's just one big groan, that's not enough. If it's 50, 50, I'm in heaven. Cause not everyone, people just have like a visceral reaction.

Silence is the killer. You know, I'd rather a boo than a silence. Yeah. But I enjoy, I mean, that abortion bit that a lot of that, I had a couple of jokes and this is like based on kind of a true story that I fictionalized, but I would be driving to the store and I would think of a new thing to add.

You know, almost every time I was driving cause I was excited about that story. So I would just be filtering in these jokes until it got to the point where I couldn't make it any bigger. Had to be just like that. But I enjoy, I enjoy surprising people. You know, I really had a lot of fun my first few years in comedy

when people did not know what they were getting. And they were like, what is happening? And now they know it's going to be short dark jokes. They kind of, the jokes almost play better because they know my persona. I can say things that other people cannot say. Yeah. Cause they're like, they're ready for it.

And sometimes the twist is that you think it's going to be dark and it's light and absurd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it goes the other way. Yeah. Wow. So that's what I'm going to do, I think. It's fun to go up there with nothing.

Like I don't, after a special, I don't bring back some of the jokes and then go into the new stuff. I've got all new jokes because the humiliation is so motivating. If you go up with any old stuff, you're going to fall back on it. If you have no plan B, you have to eat it with that.

And that makes you go home and work on the jokes. That makes you write all the stuff. That's here. Okay. So that's my plan, buddy. So check it out. All right. Babe, listen to me.

This is my new plan. Don't do this. When you do this. I get excited when you do that. I know, but when you do this though, it's like you're, want me to do this? Yeah, do this.

Yeah. So this is my new plan, guys. Because like I've been kind of going to store, just watching and hanging out a little bit, you know what I mean? And it's like, and I see guys that I like, I'm sorry, but they're guys that I know that I'm better than,

that there's comfortably going up there, right? And I'm having this fear. I haven't gone up at all. I have a fear of it. I told you this the other day, I'm scared of it because I want to do new shit, but like, you know, I've always been a kind of comic and I have to admit this,

that just never really wrote and just did relied on the same material, right? And I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go and be a man and just eat it. You've got to, I mean, the humiliation is, there's no better motivator. There's no better motivator. Have you seen, you've seen the movie Comedian, right?

The Jerry Seinfeld documentary. Like that was the most inspiring thing I've ever seen in my life. I consider the day that movie was released in theaters and I saw it that day, to be the day I started doing standup, even though my first time on stage was three or four months before,

because that really, like watching him do that, I was like, okay, if he can do this, I can do this. Just in terms of like being that big and embarrassing yourself with having no material, watching it build, but I love that journey from having nothing. Like I keep trying to talk about my doc and I'm trying to find that balance

between just like telling someone about your dog at a party and being on stage and having actual jokes, that it is, it's very tough to do, but I just have to keep on trying it and failing and thinking of new ways in. But if I just thought about it and wrote it down, it wouldn't work. You really need that,

and I keep using the word humiliation, but it is humiliating, it is painful. And it has to be. You know what, you just inspired me. You know, I was also thinking, what are the chances of you and I becoming better friends? You know, percentage wise. Listen, this is as good as it's gonna get.

No, no, no. Let me try to pitch myself. Let me pitch myself, okay? To you. I have a feeling, right? My better friend, what do you mean? No, here's, check it out. Like you'll actually text somebody back or?

No, here's number one, right? I would love, and you know, when Ellie opens up a little bit more, that I would love to call Anthony and go, hey man, you wanna go to Choson. Choson, yeah. Which is one of my favorite Korean restaurants, right? Would you do that?

Yes. I'm a big meal friend. I love to have dinner with people, but it's like dinner's over and now what? Now I'm going home. Like now. Me too. I'm not gonna fucking do anything after that.

Yeah, we don't need to make a night of this. No, we're not gonna. I love a plan with like an end date. You know what I mean? You wanna see a movie? Let's see a movie. We can talk about the movie for a minute and then gone. Well, here's one.

But I'm not like an all night person. No, no, me either. I would never do that. I'd probably never go to your house, okay? No, just let me ask you something, all right? But how about this? If I called in at the store and you're like, you're up at 9.30, I'm up at 9.15 or vice versa, right?

And then I go, huh, I'm gonna text Anthony. Hey, you wanna get Korean food? This is even, you know what I mean? Throwing this out there, it makes me feel. At seven, right? I'm gonna do that. And you wouldn't feel uncomfortable about that. I'm very comfortable saying no.

I know you are. But no, I would do that. I'm not a big meal before the show. I'm a big meal after the show guy, you know what I mean? When you can like relax. Before I'm like looking at my set list, thinking about stuff. But if we were back to back on a show,

I would grab food with you. Okay, how about this then? I'm gonna propose another idea. Give us all the scenarios you want. I am, I am. So what about this scenario, right? A new Korean movie is coming out, right? And they're playing it at the Ark life, right?

Got great reviews, right? And it says it's much like, you know, it's old boy part two, but it's not, you know what I mean? Would you go see it with me? Yes. Not only that, I would suggest we don't go to Ark life. I mean, Ark life has been closed. Closed.

But I once went to, I saw Train to Busan in Koreatown at a Korean theater where they play American movies with Korean subtitles or Korean dub, but then they have Korean movies with English subtitles. And I love that because you get to see, like Korean, like the food in Korean movie theaters is different than an American movie theater.

What do they have? They have like flavored popcorn that they wouldn't have like beef jerky is a big thing. Like they don't have the, they have some of the normal candy, but they just have different things that I just, I think that's fascinating. Yeah, yeah.

But I would be like, let's go, let's go see it there. Let's go do that. Oh yeah, I'll do that first. I'm a big, I'm always down to go see a movie. I'm always down to go have dinner. But if it's like, let's go out drinking all night, like no thank you. No, and I'm in AA, so I wouldn't do that.

And also on top of it, I'm just testing out the waters here, pal, because I'm gonna try to do this, okay? Because you know- He too is in therapy and it turns out he's a difficult, he avoids intimate relationships with people at all costs. I don't avoid, I just like to be alone. I enjoy my alone time that I value it,

that I'm happy to have a social interaction and hang out, but then it's like, I wanna go home and read. I wanna go home and spend time with my dog that I don't wanna be with someone all night long. And I have friends who are like, well, now what are we doing? Like we did this, now what's next? Nothing is next. And not only that,

but it's gonna make me wanna say no next time you wanna hang out, bigger thing. If you make it easy, then it's like, okay, it's just boundaries. It'll be meat and potatoes with you and I. How about this, I want the proposal, one last thing to you, okay? If Kalyla and I, just hear me out,

if Kalyla and I get married, okay? We've been together eight years, not an engagement in sight, so don't worry, it can be a long time from now. Yeah, I wasn't worried about that. You know that pisses me off, guys. You have no idea what I'm working on, all right? So let's just throw that out there, okay?

And number two, go fuck yourselves, all right? Nobody wearing a tank top has an engagement ring in their pot. Come on, man. So on a Saturday, right? Because I wanna have an extravaganza for my wedding. That sounds like a nightmare. Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna have so many people there. I'm gonna have rock people. Can I not show? I'm gonna have old friends from high school. I'm gonna have comedians, actors, all kinds of people, right? And I would love to invite Anthony to elect, right? Because he's never been invited to a wedding.

Right before the pandemic, I actually did go, Megan Gailey, one of my openers got married to her husband, CJ, and I went to that. I went out to Palm Springs and went solo. Who's Megan Gailey? The girl who hates you. Oh, that's right. Because you told her to not show up.

You opened for her in San Antonio? No, she opened for me. Yeah, yes, yeah. In Chicago. In Chicago. And you gave her a hard time about the show. That's who Megan Gailey is. I wish I hadn't brought up her name.

No, no, no, no, no, no. And you're in the wrong for that. All right, fine, but let me defend myself. Okay. All right? I'm sure she's a nice woman and your friends with her. Lever to death, like a sister. And I've heard the story.

What's the story? What's the story? What it sounds to me, and I'll be as polite as I can be, you were having a tough time that weekend, just being on the road, I don't know if you were lonely or like what, weren't enjoying the shows and kind of took it out on the green room. No, that's not what it was.

No, that's not what it was. This is a very vague, I don't know the details. She told me the story. And it's not like something she talks about a lot. It was just, I think we were in the same old place and she brought it up. But you gave her a hard time. Okay, all I did, all right.

Sorry, I can't defend you with this. I'm not defending myself. I wanna apologize to Megan Gailey. Can I do that? All right, I'm just gonna tell you my point of view though real quick, okay? We already talked about that too. And your point of view really is not a good one either.

But go ahead, we can try, we can try. Remix it. Okay. Remix. So just to throw it out there, okay. Before you even start, Megan Gailey, consummate professional. I cannot imagine a world in which she was in the wrong here,

but go ahead. It's a tough one, man, you gotta get out of there. Yeah, all right, so number one, I was having a great time. I was having a great time, great numbers at the club. It's a huge club, right? And also, I wasn't lonely because Jade Caterpreda was my feature, all right? So she's a friend of mine.

So one night, Megan Gailey, dressed in a ballroom gown as an emcee, and I just, look at his look. I'm waiting for the part that you think she's at fault for. Exactly. Right, right. He didn't like the way she was dressed, your emcee. Yeah, you know what?

Let's back up for a second. I'm in the wrong. We've already told you. I'm in the wrong, I'm in the wrong, I'm in the wrong. And what I shouldn't have done is what I did, and I feel bad about it. And I just felt it was a weird energy, her going up with a ballroom gown.

Yeah, but Bobby, no one makes a fuss out of what you wear, and sometimes you wear construction gear too. I'm the headliner. I think the big one. It's my show. You might not be having a bad time, but you've been on the road a long time.

You just start to get, like, the gravity becomes heavier, and you're just not yourself. You know, it's like, you're starting to be a jerk, and you're like, why am I being a jerk right now? And you're like, oh, I haven't eaten all day. You know, it's like one of those things. I haven't been sleeping for it. I've been traveling too much.

That's what it is. I'm in a bad mood now. Probably didn't have sugar-free Red Bull. Yeah. All right, here's what I want. Here's what I want. And I want to take it on people around me. Here's what I want.

And see if you can pull this off, George, okay? And I am going to, can you invite her to do our podcast? Okay. Good fucking luck. Oh, you don't think I can? I think you can invite her. Okay. I want to apologize to her, right?

I'm going to buy her gifts. Here, this is why it's already not going to work. Why? Why don't, without you turning it into a show, apologize to someone genuinely and in private? Oh, man. That's the thing with comics now is they're like, let's talk it out on the air.

And it's like, no. If we've got a problem, we can talk it out as people. Okay, can you find me her email? Well, you can just find her on Instagram. That's an easy one. DM or saying, look. I'll direct message her on Instagram, all right? Because we're not following each other,

so it's going to go to her other group groupings. And she's not going to read it because I did that with a bunch of guys. Right? They don't read it. Uh-huh. That's correct. Right. So it's like, should I just give it a go on Instagram?

Just give it a go. Also, you have friends that know her. Santino knows her. They're friends. Anthony knows her. Yeah. I think she had a negative experience with you. And it was a small one.

But so it's not like the end of the world. Like there have been people that I'm like, that guy was a fucking dick. He's like, no, he's normally cool. And then you get to know them. And you're like, oh, I just had, I met them on a bad day. I don't know what was going on in their life. Maybe I was in a bad mood.

Yeah, you're right. So it's like, you can give people second chances. You hear a reputation and you meet them and you're like, oh, you're different than that. You know, that's my, that's my, you know what? That's my lifelong goal. And I'm not going to do it on air. Right?

That's, I'm not going to do it on air. And, and I am in the wrong. I just really feel that. And I feel bad about it. And I, um, you know, here's another thing is I have little fires everywhere. Uh-huh. Me too.

I have little fires everywhere. And I think that, I think that's next year I'm going to put those fires out. But they're like, I've gotten in fights with MCs before, you know, I'm in a club and the MC does something that I don't like. I had an MC once, Megan was my feature and the MC tweeted, like ever been in a green room and had no one talk to you.

Not fun. And like, I found out after the weekend that I was like, I would have fired her that second. And I'll never see this girl again. So who gives a shit? Yeah. But sometimes you like, I'll never see them again. Who cares?

We had a bad interaction, but then they keep going. And you're like, okay, now we're in the same, we're in the same universe and I should fix this. You know, I've thought about it differently. Yeah. I've seen you as a different person. Yeah. But I'm, I'm totally all for having a bad experience and writing

someone off forever. I will cut the cord. Yeah. Yeah. I think in Megan Gailey's case, um, that I, I was in the wrong and I know it. I was in a mood. I'll tell you what was going on in my life.

All right. You weren't doing well. I wasn't doing well in my career. Um, I was desperate. All I had was the road. And that was the only thing that was making me money. I didn't have any real. No podcasts.

No podcasts at the time. I had nothing going on. You know, and now I was living in the apartment too. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And this was before I met you. Oh, it's before I met her even.

So I was in a real, then I was in a real bad state. Desperate, you know, and I, um. Since I met you, my life has completely changed 180 and, you know, things are great. Are you talking to me or her? Just in general. Okay. Megan or Anthony.

Oh, so yeah, I'm talking to Megan right now. Right. And so, um, I'm just talking to myself. I'm just, I'm thinking out loud right now. What we've been doing talking about Megan Gailey is more than Megan Gailey has thought about this in her entire life. That's true. That's true.

And I think about this like she would be, I'm sure she would accept your apology and be like, okay, if you want to talk, but like she, this is not something that she like falls asleep thinking about. She ran into an asshole. You ever hear that, hear that phrase? If you, if you wake up one day, you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole.

You run into assholes all day. You're the asshole. Right. Guess which one is the asshole? I'm the asshole. But, um, you're right. I was an asshole. All right.

If you're okay to be not, you could, you're allowed to slip up and be an asshole. Like I've just been under a lot of pressure on the road and like when I snap at somebody backstage, I'm like, that's not normally not what I'm like. And if I can apologize, sure. If I never see them again, that's okay too. Give yourself permission to slip up every now and again.

But yeah, you can make it right. Make it right. No, but if, but, but to be honest with you, if I was in the wrong, I should, I have to make amends because, you know, I'll be honest. Another honest thing is that I've only heard great things about her on stage and off a stage that she's a sweet girl. And she's friends with so many people that I know.

And, um, I've been trying for years to get people on my side. This was, this is the last stop. Yeah. This is the last stop. And I just realized that, um, I'm 100% in the wrong. You know what I mean? And my ego got in the way and I was an asshole. I was in a bad place in my career and I was acting out and I

was treating people like shit because I was like feeling shit about myself and I would never do that today ever. Right. I'm just so different. You really got it together now. I feel it. Thank you. And, um, no, honestly, I feel like, I feel now like I did when

I started, like in the beginning of when I, in 2000, when I was getting shit and I was, you know, getting the tonight show, all these things. And then I spent 15 years with nothing. And then I feel now reinvented again. And I think that that's what's great about stand up is that we can, there's always a shot of staying in it. You can focus on stand up.

It's like these other TV things, they'll come, they'll go, whatever, but you can, you have stand up, you can control. You're, you're the master of your own destiny, I believe is the phrase with stand up that you can just keep on controlling that. That is, it's better than, I couldn't imagine being an actor and having to wait for that phone to ring. You know, that would be brutal. We're an actor trying to write their own shit, like get out of

my face. Stand up. Stand up. Stand up. You can, you can be proactive. That's the reason I chose it. Yeah. It also, we can, even if it gets to a point where, let's suppose,

because you and I, I'm, you're obvious doing theaters and stuff, but like, you know, it's, we still play the same clubs, you know what I mean? And there are a rooms, you know what I mean? Thank you very much. But they are a rooms and it's like, there is, there's a life in outside of a rooms. Oh yeah.

There's so many gigs, so many different towns that we can do it at, that it's almost impossible to get far. If you're good, right, and you can do 45 minutes and you're original and entertaining, right, that you could survive endless, endless, endlessly. I mean, I think even if you can be good and still fail, you've got to be able to sell tickets. This is show business.

Right. That, that even like the funniest person in the lineup isn't always the one that like, I used to open for people sometimes when I was a feature act where I would like blow them off the stage. And afterwards I'm like, everyone's going to come out and want to meet me and take a picture with me. No one give a fuck.

They wanted to go talk to the headliner. They bought the ticket to go see. It can be bad if you sell tickets. It's okay. Yeah. And have we talked about Carla Boe? You did you know Carla Boe? I know that name.

I, I, it doesn't ring a bell right now. Carla Boe died a couple of weeks ago. And I just have to say that because I haven't talked about, have we talked about him? Yeah. So, you know, when you Sam Kinnison, Sam, when can Sam Kinnison died? What?

Yes. I'm going to say that. Yeah. Kinnison and LaBeau on the same day. No, no, no. LaBeau. Okay. Yeah.

I saw that's how I saw the picture. Yeah. I'm sure I met him. So Carla Boe was Sam Kinnison's best friend. Right. Carla Boe was when Sam Kinnison blew up with, was obviously Sam's opening act. Right.

So Carla Boe is just one of the funniest physical comics I've ever seen, you know, even at that age, at, in the 60s, right? He was still like very energetic and physical and voices and stuff. He's just fun to watch. And he never made it. And he, um, he held Sam's body when Sam died.

Okay. I've heard the story. Yeah. After the accident. Yeah. Holding on to him. You know, Carl raised his daughter and then in later in life, in his 20s, Carl re, um, found out that Sam was the father.

Wow. Right. Wow. Yeah. So, um, so imagine that life. So he, he lost his best friend, raising his daughter, never really, I tried to get him a showcase at when I was with Gersh at one point, I brought Gersh agents to see Carl because

he couldn't get any reps and they wouldn't sign them. So, you know, I, I, I love that guy. And then, um, then he found out that his best friend had, was the one that, you know, knocked up his wife, knocked out his wife. And, um, then there was that whole legal matter of like, you know, do I pay child support, whatever it might be. And then he gets cancer and he just died two weeks ago.

And it's just, um, you know, anyone, you know, go on YouTube, look him up. He has a very good standup and it's just heartbreaking because he was one of those guys where when I was a young guy and he was living in Los Feliz and I had nothing going on in my career and he was, he'd got, come over and let me make you a meal. Like this guy.

And then I would show up and him and his, at the time, girlfriend would make me a pasta dish and we'd just sit there in a candle on his porch. It just, just because he was, he thought I was funny. You know what I mean? And he's just, as a young guy, you need, you know what I mean? Some, that kind of, um, relationship. Like a mentor.

A mentor. Right. And you realize, oh, because, you know, how dark the story is, you know, my times, you know, especially back in the day, it was so cutthroat and awful. Um, anyway, rest in peace, Carla. You know what that reminds me? Last night, I've been in the comedy store twice since it

opened back up. I did the main room that first night, which was great. I was like, just so grateful to be back. And then last night I was in the OR and I'm like dreading it because of Jeff Scott passing that I love Jeff Scott. And, uh, was, I mean, it hadn't been during the pandemic when like everything was awful. Like it would have been way, it would have hit me harder,

but I'm like, am I going to be able to get through 15 minutes on stage because I would look, he would, I would hear his laugh. He would play the piano after some of my jokes, you know, kind of thing. Like he would, he would mess with me and we, we would talk backstage. I was going to be able to get through 15. Am I going to start to tear up?

I'm going to have to be like, guys, I'm sorry. I can't do this. And I get in there and there is a neon sign now that says Jeff Scott behind the piano. No, there is. Yeah. It's up there. And like, I, uh, a lot, it's like Eliza, uh, Masjibani,

and then me and Eliza at the end of her set is like, see that sign over there. That's, that's, uh, that's Jeff Scott. He was the piano player. He passed away recently. We all love the music family. The audience is like, okay, I went on stage and I must have made 25 Jeff Scott jokes.

Like I couldn't help myself, but like try like just to make fun of it. And I'm sure he would have laughed at all of them. It went from like, am I going to, am I going to get too emotional? Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah.

I hope no one's recording this because I just like, I couldn't help it. Yeah. He, um, that was another devastating one because, you know, he's was there when I started. He was just, he was like part, he was like a part of the furniture. He was always there and loved his job.

Like was never in a bad mood. Yeah. He was never like, stay out of Jeff's way tonight. Like he was always just psyched and loved everybody and everything. And it was always great to talk to. He was, he was more the store than I would even say some of the siblings of, of Mitzi.

You know what I mean? Like he was always there. He, it was almost as if like the building, you know what I mean? Put them out. That's how he was born. Like he was always supposed to be there. So this is the kind of magical guy, you know, and, um, I

don't even know how he died. Heart attack, I think. Yeah. And then there was a. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. The death that really affected me in comedy was Brody Stevens. I think it changed me as a person because like it just made me want to be more kind because I was always like, no way that I give you a hard time a lot. Like I'm always joking around with you. Yeah.

Like I did that with Brody and I tried to do it with respect because I knew that he was very sensitive. Yeah. And he's made me wish that I had been even nicer to him. And I employed Brody a lot. Like, and I was, I always take time to talk to him and let him just like that stream of consciousness thought he would give.

I would stand there and take it, but it just made me want to be a kinder person in general. And coming from someone who's like very roasty and always has the insult ready. Yeah. Uh, it's made me, I think it's made me a nicer person. He would. A kinder person.

That was the most devastating. I mean, you remember the day? I mean, it was, I mean, it, because you know, he's done our podcast, you know, he's, I love him. I'm the one that brought him to the comedy store back in the day. Um, you know, that one. A lot of people know this, but Brody is very much an animal

whisperer. Like I remember when he came over the house, we had a foster dog that had just been like really aggressive and really didn't take to men a lot. And Brody just came into house, picked up the dog, the dog fell asleep on his lap. And that was the first time we ever saw that dog like actually like snuggle up next to someone.

And I wanted to cry. It's like he just had so much comfort on his lap. I was like, Oh, he's a different magical being that, you know, I would believe it. I got an eight, one eight tattoo after, after Brody's passing. Did you really? Yeah. Where?

It's like a very small on like the back of my arm. Uh, it's like he, cause he was around when I became an, when I started doing this. So like he was the guy who was like from open, I would see him in open mics and then just kept on seeing him throughout that he was always a part of comedy for me and just watched his ups and downs that, uh, I can't, I, it was hard to imagine like Los Angeles comedy without him.

Yeah. It's fucking devastating, man. Especially like, like that. Someone gets hit by a truck. I can make a joke. Heart attack. You had a good life, but, uh, you go out by your own hand and it's, it, it truly crushes me.

And I, you know, there's many thoughts that, you know, it could have been prevented maybe even, you know what I mean? I, I mean, I, there's, I understand thinking that way, but I also think he lived very long for how fucking crazy he was. You know? Yeah. That's fucking true. I mean, that whole Starbucks event, remember?

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So at the end, Anthony, at the end of our podcast, we do a thing called unhelpful advice and people email us like, um, you know, problems and questions and stuff and do your best to answer. You don't have to.

If you don't want to. You think I can't handle this? Uh, before, before we think this is a curve ball on a podcast. You could do it. Viewer email. Like, oh shit. Uh, before we get to that, we do have two, uh, patron questions

for Anthony. Uh, the first one is from Emmanuel Leon. Any good Patrice O'Neill stories? You know, I only really met Patrice the one time when we did the roast together. We didn't really talk beforehand. Uh, you know, we saw each other on stage. He kind of helped me out.

Like I told a joke that like totally bombed, but he laughs so hard that they left it in the thing and I made fun of him because I didn't realize what was happening. Like Mike Tyson was heckling so much that I was like, kept ready to be like, when do I tell Mike Tyson, shut the fuck up. Patrice like gave me like a joke. He was like, I told this joke and he goes, there's too many

white people to get that joke. Yeah. And I said, just just being ready for like a heckle. I go, you know what no one ever says is too few black people. And Patrice was like, what? I just fucking helped you. And then after the roast, Patrice was still like in that like zone, like in that, like just like it's just over.

And we got back to the hotel at the same time and just talked like walked through the lobby into the elevator and he was not complaining, but he was just, he didn't like the roast. He didn't like that. Like why does it have to be so mean and all this stuff that we just talked for like a few minutes and then he got out of the elevator and he was like, I was a couple of floors above him and I was like, you know, I can get out.

I don't know this guy. I know he's a legend. I can sit and talk to him all night, but I'm also tired. I've had a few many drinks. Like I'm just going to go to bed. The elevator doors closed and then he was gone a few months later that I wished I'd gotten to know him more, but obviously always respected him, but yeah, it didn't.

When I was in New York, he had already like been banned from all the clubs that I was in. You know, he would get in trouble like doing crowd work with people and be too mean. So I didn't, I don't really have, I wish I had a good Patrice O'Neill story, but I do not. Cool. And then this is from Douglas Huerta.

What kind of comic is Bobby Lee to you? Please. I think that Bobby Lee, I would describe him as someone who has trouble enjoying how good he is. And that I will see you like destroy and then come off stage and I'm like great set Bobby. I'm a fucking hack. And I'm like, I wish you could get out of your own way

and could just enjoy how good you were. You don't have to have a brand new joke every time. You don't have to have to come up with something off the top of your head every time. Like you are an incredible entertainer and people love you. If you loved yourself one tenth as much as people love you, you would be so, so happy. I'm trying, you know what?

Average comic. That's what I like. I'm comfortable there. You know, I'm trying. You know what? I want to hear that. And I want to be able to not defend it. We know those things were like, someone comes up to you

after the show and they're like, you do a headliner set. And you do five that weekend. It might not be the best show. And after someone's like, thank you. That was so great. And you're like, oh, this wasn't wasn't that good. You should have been there last night. Shut the fuck up.

Cause they're like, it might be the only time they ever see you and they loved it. Like some of the shows I thought were the worst. Someone's like, that's the best experience in my life was watching that show that I've learned just to say, thank you. It'd be like, oh, that woman couldn't shut up or the wait staff messed this up or they did the check drop. Like just say thank you because people truly do love it.

And you don't have to get in their way of their enjoyment. Yeah. You know what? Yeah. And also just not taking, not by crying, no, but also just not taking things so personally as well. I want to do that. I think the pandemic just thinking about my life and I'm,

I'm in therapy as well and dealing with all these things and, you know, dealing with the trauma that I grew up with all that stuff. And people don't want to hear it. But my point is, is that I think in, in, um, this episode, I'm glad this happened because there's a lot of things that have brought up or I'm like, I need, I want to be able, I want to improve that. I want to, you know what I mean? Put out these little fires.

I want to make amends to certain people. And I just want to like, um, I think I'm not, I'm not saying that Anthony changed me. I just, just, but you did. I molded you. You molded me. But I think this is, this was a really good, um, experience for me because it's like, I really want to do these things.

And, um, also you got me over the fear of going up. You know what I mean? And, um, I want to put pressure on myself and I want to work a little harder because a lot of me and my things is I'm lazy. That's good. Unhelpful advice. I'm hopeful advice. I need to play game over.

Go ahead. I think you're in a good position. I truly do. And that, like the people who think they have this shit figured out at 17 do not have the happiest of lives. The people, it's like, there were people who got jobs right out of college who had like a career and I was so jealous because I like. because I struggled for years

before I even got into stand-up, that now these people still have those same jobs. And I had like 10 years of misery in order to get to this, where I live an enviable life. That if you have your shit figured out at 17, like you are wrong. So to feel like a wolf in sheep's clothing,

or to feel like an imposter, like that is a good thing, because then you use your 20s to figure out what you wanna do and you have unlimited options. But I think I would be afraid if I thought I had things figured out or I had a great social life.

Like you have work to do, but you're at 17. So you have plenty of time to do that work. And you're not going to romanticize your years in high school. You're gonna like look for, you're gonna turn your life into something great because you know what it was.

Like you don't wanna have the best years of your life live as a teenager. You want it to be later on. And like if the best years of your lives are in your 50s, that's a very successful life. You know, even if your 30s and 40s are miserable. Like, so just kind of embrace that. You get to be different.

You get to be not like everyone else. And that's a gift. Also like 17, I was very introspective in that way. Like when I graduated from high school, all I took was philosophy classes in junior high. And I would, you know what I mean, read Sartre and Kierkegaard and all this stuff. And just, that's when I would journal as well.

And I was very introspective. And I was very, you know, analyzing myself within and also on the outside. I was very sensitive to the outside world. And I was, you know, it was also at a time when people, like my friends would go to like Club Med or you know what I mean, Spring Break. And these white dudes would have, you know,

six packs and they'd be on the beach with hot chicks. And you know, doing tequila shop. Meanwhile, I'm like, you know, working at coffee shops, kind of dumpy, you know, and like no pussy at all ever. You know what I mean, nothing zero, right? I had no like, you know, and, but I'm so happy all that stuff happened

because I got that shit later in life, you know what I mean? And I went through a bunch of dark shit rehab, you know what I mean? And, you know, being, going to meetings in my 20s and no money. And if I didn't have those experiences, at 23, I walked by the comedy store and it said, open mic night on Sundays.

This is 1995. I just walked by and with all, I always thought about doing it and I looked at that sign and I went, you know what, I'm gonna do it. And I just signed up and I went up, but without all that pain and suffering and all that stuff, I don't think I would have done it.

No, now you wouldn't have the six back abs. You know, you have to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you get, can I get six packs? You definitely can. Yeah. Is it too late now though?

Yeah, just like with your standup, you're getting in the way of yourself. You wouldn't want to do the work to get a six back ab. I wouldn't want to do the work. Because it's twofold. It's not even just the working out. It's diet. You gotta eat well.

Yes. Yeah. You know, don't, don't push me there, babe. I haven't said anything. I love you, Rotan. No, no, no, no, no. I'll fucking get a six pack. I, I like you Rotan.

I like you Rotan. I like you Rotan. I'll be able to do it. Six pack abs to me. It's like, you ever see someone with like a very like, like dainty, like a special beard where it's like, it's just like fine line. All I see, even if it looks good,

I'm like, I can just picture you in the mirror having to do that every day. Like a six pack ab. I just think of what you have to do to get that. That's exactly my point. That's your whole life. Like I am so unattracted to gym rats. Because the amount of effort,

the amount of vanity someone would have to have to like perfect a whole manicured look is just too much for me to handle. Exactly, exactly. It's like your priorities. It's exhausting. Yes. Yeah.

Is there such thing as like a three pack? I mean, is there, that's how it goes. Is it six packs or nothing? No, no, no, you just want some, a suggestion of a line and in the top of your ab, a little bit of a valley and that's it. You want to have a strong core.

You do. It doesn't, it can be flabby on top of it. As long as your core is, like I have a bad back. So I do a lot of core exercises to keep my back in place. But I do not have a six pack by any means. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's how you feel, not how you look.

How do you feel about me? I told you, even if I really love this, you're my type. I like the round thing. Babe, babe. I just, when I think about you though, I just think of gunky arteries. And that's what's very troubling.

If you hadn't said arteries, I would be laughing for the next three days. I think about you, I think gunky. I think gunky. God damn. That hurts, that hurts. I just think, I imagine, and I like fantasize about just taking something

to scrape his arteries and to just free up that freeway. Like a knife. Like a knife, a dream about it. My arteries are clogged. Oh, very much so. Oh, okay, anyway. That's our show.

Is there anything else? That's it. All right, so do you want to plug your show, your podcast? Yeah, I've got to, we're both on All Things Comedy now. All Things Comedy Brothers. I've got a podcast I do weekly with my best friend. It's called the Jessel, Nick and Rosenthal Vanity Project, JRVP.

We don't have guests. We just, we just, we've been best friends for the last like 25 years. We met in college. He's a NFL analyst. And so he like has a broadcasting background and I just kind of go off. We talk about crazy stories of the week

and whatever my latest comedy beef is, but it's very fun, very absurd. And it's hard to describe, but people who like it really like it. And I think if fans of this podcast, I think would like that podcast. Bobby, do you understand? That's the cover of the podcast.

Do you know what that's a reference to? It's a reference to a hip hop album. No, I don't. None of you guys get it? I feel like I'm close. What do you think it is? What is it? Ghostface Killa Bulletproof Wallets.

Wow. I'm the Ray Kwan and my friend Greg is Ghostface. You know, that photo of you though, God, you're handsome there. Thank you. Hey, bro, I'm handsome here too. I know, but while there, your friend is okay too. He's all right.

Yeah, yeah. All right, give Anthony Jesalek a round of applause. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Anytime. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Barely ad-free on Amazon Music, download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen ad-free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts.

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