TigerBelly - Ep 298: Best Stand Up In The Country, Sarah Tiana

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

Bobby loves Manny. Sarah offends Brooks & Dunn. Khalyla has second-hand embarrassment. We talk Mormon pumps, waiting 4 Seasons with Maniscalco, naming your baby after an SNL sketch, and giving Suge Knight the white girl wave.Please support our sponsors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus Okay, turn that off. Okay. What is that? Yeah, oh Well, you don't play it. No No, those aren't allowed in my house. God finally you don't let your boy. You don't let your husband play video games No He has the ass he said oh we should get He thought he was gonna get like a place it whatever they are. Yeah

So he would have something to do yeah while he was like feeding the baby And I'm like like you're you're not gonna have any time What you can't use two hands to play a game and hold the baby like that's your that's his plan though. That's my plan Yeah, yeah, but I mean like I don't think they're bad. I don't think they're bad Yeah, but what about joy you don't want to give your husband joy. Oh, yeah He has plenty of joy. I know I know but it's to play golf whenever he wants. Oh, he does. Yes. Yeah Like I'm constantly like kicking him out and being like he's like I just told them I couldn't play because I have responsibilities I'm like you can go like try to get out. So baby. Would you rather me play golf than play video? Yeah, a thousand percent

Move your body. You fucking sedentary man He just it just doesn't move all day. I love it. I've never seen anybody talk to you like this. This is great The only one a lot of oh well, I don't know then some muzzle on me after 8 p.m. Yeah Wow, so I should play tennis or something. I mean anything that will where you can get some sunshine Yeah, I like the Sun though vitamin D is good. Hmm combat COVID. We'll talk about anything Okay, but we've been what you've been on our short list for I don't know why it's Really talked about her. I know a lot. I talk about you a lot you guys too I had a chiropractor that we talked I talked about you every time because he was like such a big fan of this podcast

Is he a Chinese? Oh, he's Korean. Yeah. Yeah Why are only the Chinese? Chinese chiropractors. Yeah, not a lot of those they have to be full dog. They have to be real doctors Chinese Chinese guys are The Koreans are a lot I Smell a fart. That's him. Oh, it's not you you and always playing it on the dog No, your asshole always smells are really nice. Thank you very clean product. Oh wait, cut this out

But then keep it in I Can now tell the difference between like the dog the man and the baby. Yeah, I live I've all boys in my house Oh, really? Yeah, have you ever seen your own asshole? Yes, I've never seen my own asshole. Yes, you have and not with my own eyes TV you have Yeah, but you know it adds 10 pounds that you know the camera so yeah So I don't have that big of an asshole. If you were to draw it from memory. What colors? What what color crayons would you choose? Well, I'd have to use pink just because I think that that's what the inside was like wishful thinking. Yeah No, that you think it's not oh you think that like the shit stained the tube

No, I just think that there's a lot of friction in it's a heavy. It's a you know, I Guarantee you I have a pink asshole inside. I guarantee you you don't You said you've never seen it. I'm sure I just making assumptions. It's like prove it. Hey, yeah, but don't okay This on the next step, but what I'm saying though is let me just defend my own asshole Okay, is is that Obviously, I've seen the out in the entryway the cave opening how it's like when you see okay I'll give you an example when you see the bat cave, right Bruce Wayne's bat cave from afar It looks like a regular cave. So when you go inside it something different happens amazing. Yeah, and yeah

So that's what my assholes like. It's full of rich fancy thing. No, there's like a butler Yeah, there's a little white man a fucking butler outfit in there anyway. Let's not even talk about this right now Okay, but keep it in I want to say if it's prolapse. It's pink. All right. Also not a good thing I don't have a prolapse. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, although I've always dreamed of having one aspirations because I Just feel like I've always wanted a tail Hmm, you know, I mean a rattler like a rest marsupial

Rattler like a little yeah. Yeah. Anyway, do the countdown. Here's the rules. Just keep all that in But keep all that in open with that, but don't say anything until I bring your name up, okay You're right. It does smell pretty bad. Oh, no, that's cuz he's chewing on a bull dick No, his asshole. I know the difference between a bull dick because they've eaten so many All right, and the asshole. Okay, so anyway, don't interrupt me You do it in a different language this time. We've done it five years six years Do it in do it in Russian. Do you have Russian? Yeah, Vladimir's okay and go hello

Welcome to another episode of Tiger Belly and I'm your slept king I'm the king of this kingdom and I'm the I'm the only king. I'm only the king of this kingdom You know, it's a small kingdom and you know, I have I have dreams when I go to bed You know, do you have fantasies about ruling the world? Not particularly. Yeah. Yeah, I have this fantasy that I'm like the ruler of the world and what I would do and it's magical guys There'd be like buildings made out of Vicodin Nice, you know, I mean just large building where you could lick the walls, right? And it's like The drinking age is 16

Yeah, but that's like the Philippines beats that. Okay. Let's move on. He's like Willy Wonka. Yeah, I am welcome to Tiger Belly I'm your the guy and I Have some people in the room that I'd like to introduce. We've got George Jorge George is a father Our guest is a mother, but George is a father and my therapist told me that I have to be nicer to you Have you seen me being icing for you? Okay

Fuck you you white piece of shit. I'm sorry. I'm that's I'm reverting back to my old son edit that out We got Gilbert beautiful man. Thank you. You know when I touched you earlier you you did a thing Oh, I got giggly. No, no, you were like, don't touch me kind of thing giggly. Okay. That's giggly. Yeah, all right we've got my beautiful girlfriend of Almost nine years eight eight years Is it close to nine or closer to eight? It's closer to eight. It's closer to eight Kaleila

I started to say my last name and we have a guest today that um I You know I've known her forever This next guest I've known her longer than I've known like Mike, you know the people that I kind of hang You know, she's like she goes way back and she is Probably one of those Reliable comedians that I've used in my past. You're I mean in terms of when I need help in terms of the writings

Because in the writings, right? I get flustered You know, I mean and there were times where I would have I would need quick jokes, right? Because I was doing some sort of panel show mostly Chelsea lately And I would call this next guest and she would meet me at like either a coffee bean, right? The one over there by the can laugh factory, right? And we would do sessions and you were so helpful I mean you because in that time of my career I was so desperate and nothing going on and she was just one of those people That I could always rely on and you know, not only is she a writer

She's one of the best stand-ups in the country. I believe and she's open for me before as well and she You know recently was the head writer for the David Spade show Lights out on the Netflix, but then the pandemic hit that went awry she was also a producer on the David Spade show, right and She's written on a lot of things. She's a great stand-up podcaster. She's everything. I've known her the longest I can't I think she's the one of the longest people I've known in the whole world Sarah Tiana

You've been on a short list to do this and I don't know why you haven't have we asked you before you asked me once I think and I um There was something going on with my family or I was doing something then I and I couldn't make it and I was so bummed because I've been I mean, I I love both of you. I love this podcast. I love everything you're doing I can't believe you're actually doing a podcast And they've committed to something for so I know I'm like, I have to go see this in person. Yeah, I know it's real and it's not just an Instagram story I know it's it's you know, it's like, you know, I there's two things that I've committed to in my life three things

Right. I've committed to Kaleila. I committed to this podcast I committed to stand up, but everything else I've never committed to you can like acting When you're filming now, I'm just kidding No, you're so good I thought you would laugh at that That was a good job. Yeah You're so you're just like a naturally talented person. Well, you know, I think I'm just like a weird funny guy I guess I'm a weird leaf. Mm-hmm. It's a weird guy

From since you've known him the longest yeah Have you seen an evolution or has he generally been the same? Oh Oh, yeah, I definitely have seen an evolution of Bobby. I mean when I've I've met you 19 years ago Yeah, I was thinking about it on the way here Yeah When I had first started doing stand-up and you remembered me from mad TV because I had been like a little I had like a little role on mad TV when I first started and he remembered me and The first week I have to say I think I did hit on you. Maybe did I hit on you? You never acted on. Oh, yeah

Yeah, maybe I was a be a little flirty in the beginning I would say that you're flirty and hitting on doesn't translate to women like we don't know that you're doing that's so rude What I would I would have been into it. No, but I think you're really he's polite and he's not a creep, right? So sometimes you're yeah, there's always is but because I here's what it's because What it is what no for me though is what it's I I don't like being rejected No, but the way you do it to like I remember the first text message. He sent me after our first coffee date. Yeah, yeah It was really sweet. You said I really enjoy Hanging out with you. That's it. It wasn't like a yeah, and it was simple. I was like, this is so nice

Does he like me? Yeah, most guys are like, hey, let me see your note. You know what I mean? So it's like when you're nude or yeah, also when I'm also when I make love You mean I'm very Christian about it. I'm very Christian. Yeah, I mean, I'm like put the sheet on the body No, I only into dark and the dark I cut a hole through the little sheet, right? And I go close your eyes, right? Then I close my eyes and I put my hands on the mattress like this I'll do three like very like Mormon pumps. What do I call them Mormon? Yeah, I do like three quick Mormon pumps and I go, um, I did it

You know, I mean, I relieved myself inside you Right, and then I go to sleep. You know, I'm very Christian about it. That's creepy And hey, that really turned creepy. The biggest thing I've ever heard in my life. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, I feel like That's not the Bobby I Mean I thanked you in my first album Like you were on like the cover like on the back of the cover I think like three people like my parents and Bobby. Oh, that's because you made me the comedian Then I like you would what are they doing anything?

Yes, you did you would make people put me up when I couldn't get stage time anywhere Yeah, you did a show you would bring me along and you would make them put me up in order for you to go up And at the time you were on mad TV. I mean, it was like a big deal. Yeah, I was like This is the cool. Like I can't believe I know Bobby Lee, you know And yeah, the comedy store was like a whole different story though. So that was that's harder. Yeah That's a harder killer. Yeah, but you always gave me always you always gave me very blunt and good advice And I always appreciated that and I think that because though Um number one at that time, would you say that it was a far more difficult for women?

Yeah, it's just at the store. There was like some sexism going on, right? Was it? Yes Yeah, it was just a tad. Yeah, all of it. It was harder and I just feel like you know, you need a champion, right? Yeah, you know because I view women as like I view I guess a minority maybe Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, because in a way we are like we are a very small group that you know, um, that also I would I think like back when I started to like there wasn't really a space for you as a woman to be like to have like a Lane like and now I feel like certain like women have different lanes like some women are sexual some women are not Not sexual some are you know sporty like me, you know, like whatever it is and or a lesbian

You know, like they can talk about being married or you know I felt like there weren't a lot of lanes like it kind of felt like we were all kind of a broad stroke of each other Yeah, and I feel like you fit in no more with the guys though Yeah, I think in a weird way well Also, I remember when I started like all the women I knew in stand-up who no longer do it So we're just like don't go to the comedy store. It's so hard They they hate women there and I was like, I wish you wouldn't told me that because now that's the only place I want to go up

Like that's the competitor in me. And so I would actually Chelsea gave me the best advice She was like just go be funny and leave. Oh just a handler. Yeah. Yeah, eventually. You'll be funny enough They'll ask you to stay and that's exactly what happened. I wasn't trying to like be like hang out and be everybody's friend I just went and I was funny and I would leave and then I ended up dating a comic there And I think that also helped because was it that that was Aaron Cater. Oh, yeah, that's right Aaron That's right. Yeah, so and at the time then the acts of the evil started and they were doing well Yeah, 9-11 had happened and everybody knew what an Arab was and so like It was like all of a sudden it became kind of cool like five years later anyway, right, right?

You know, I betrayed him back then because I did the same thing I did for you Whereas I got him on a show called K-Loco and yeah, he hadn't done a TV spot yet I'm like, I'm making an immense. I mean, yeah, you don't know about it because I don't really talk about it But I'm making amends right now. Yeah, me and on my podcast. Okay. I'm sorry, Aaron So what happened was he goes I need a TV tape. I go, you know what? They asked me to do K-Loco, which is was on Telemundo and I said I called them I said I won't do it because I'd already done it three times. If unless you put my friend on So the it was being shot at the ice house

And Joey Diaz was the host or whatever and so we're all in the green room and I already gone up and Joey brings up Aaron Cater and Aaron walks up. You see it on the monitor. He he doesn't say anything What do you mean Aaron doesn't yeah, oh, you could see that like he's a deer in headlights Oh, wow. Yeah, it like and then he opened his mouth and nothing came out for like maybe 30 seconds. Oh my god I've never known him to not say anything ever It was shocking yeah, right to vocalist sometime and I remember a comic in the back of me I don't know who it was said out loud. Oh no, right, right, which is like and then everyone could hear And now I'm sweating. Oh, right and I'm feeling so bad and I'm going come on man. Come on

You know, I mean and then as soon as he opens about you could just tell that he completely lost control of the room and So what happens at the you know, you should you have three comics go on then all the comments go up on stage Waves good night and then they start another show, right? So that you know, they shoot like six of them or eight of them night So after his set he got off and then the host brought two comics back on stage and not him Oh, just say good night, and then he wanted to go home, but I had left him there. I drove him there Oh Be better that teaches you. Yeah. That's like hardcore parenting. Yeah, so yeah kill you kill or or you left behind Isos is not close

Far away 20 miles from it. Right. So I guess he had to wait to the end of the night and then Joey Diaz drove him home Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I feel so bad But then here's can I just say the redemption of it was a year later I was just clicking on the television and I saw premium blend right. Mm-hmm I saw him on that and he killed killed and in my head. I'm like maybe that was good for him It was you think it was I did I do think yeah I think that would be good for anybody because when you care about comedy and you fail like that You're like this is never happening again. Oh, right do everything in your power to make sure what have you failed miserably before?

Yeah, like in a high-pressure situation very high-pressure situation. Yeah, like what happened? so it was Nashville so at the time I was working at the Four Seasons and Because that's where I waited table wait in Beverly Hills. Yeah, but you ever working with Sebastian Oh, yeah, we would have lunch together like he would leave and go to the comedy store on his breaks I worked at the pool, but he worked in the lab. Oh, it's the passion worked at the Four Seasons, too. Yeah, it's a waiter We worked there together. Yeah, he was able to leave earlier than I Just like in life he he did much better, but I Met this country music singer there and at the time their band was huge. They're called big and rich

They're a huge and big and yeah, so stable horse ride a cowboy who just came out and John Rich comes in and he here's my accent and he's like where are you from? I was like oh, I'm from Georgia and he said are you an actress? I said I'm a comedian and he goes I love comedy I said I know you ordered a Chardonnay and then I just He's like, do you ever write like he just we just kept talking for like the whole lunch, you know And then he said do you ever write jokes about country music artists and I was like, oh, yeah, that's like my thing And so you have to you have to yeah, yeah, they are yeah And so he's like send me some jokes, you know, and so I sent him a joke every day for a year

Oh, I didn't want him to forget about me because I love country music email you email them I'll email him every day for a year. Yeah, that was when hotmail existed, you know so Hotmail account and and so for his 33rd birthday he brought he flew me out to Nashville He put me up so that I could tell all these jokes that I had written to all of his friends He rented out this huge bar on Broadway, which I think he was part owner of there were probably like two three hundred people there and

He has me go up and tell all these jokes So basically I was roasting this before the roasts were on TV like I didn't really even know I was roasting I just went up there to tell jokes and I was like, I see kicks Brooks from Brooks and done I go, oh my gosh kicks huge fan But I can never remember which one is Brooks, which one is done which one actually has the mustache Which one doesn't which one actually tames the white tigers and which one doesn't do magic at all. I always forget I'm like silence Yeah, cuz I also didn't have a lot of like confidence

Nervous, you know, I'm like 27. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like and I go you didn't like that joke and he goes no Oh, well, maybe I didn't tell it right. I'll tell it again And this time you have to be defiant right you have to be defiant I was like and then I and I added a tag to it. I was like, it's just easy to remember y'all are lovers because you can't Be together for 20 years and not at least make out on the Red Dirt Road Yeah, and I mean the band started playing cricket noises like it didn't matter what I said Oh, Ryan McKnight went up after me cuz him and John wrote that song one. You're like a dream come right night Was there? Yes, so he was

Oh, yeah, and I like and he's he makes a comment about how he has to clean up the mess. I love Meanwhile one person is dying laughing and it's Tanya Tucker She's like the only you know Yeah, like woman admitted into like the bad boys club of Nashville, right? Yeah, and so she comes out to me at the bar, you know smoking a cigarette and she's like I thought you're hilarious and then she like made out with me and like kissed me No reason you're amazing. It's hilarious. You know fuck all these dumb ass, you know. Yeah, so great Well, when you were at the bar, did you were you just in your own head? Oh, yeah

I was like awful. I thought I it was just like a mess. I was like, he's never gonna talk to me again You know and he thought it was the most hilarious thing. He's like, I'd have you go right back up there and do it again I was like, I'm never performing again for the rest of my life. Oh, wow, but yeah I was like, I'm never gonna let that happen to me again. And then I you know state He just he's like he won celebrity print is like he's a very big business man He just loved my work ethics So he would bring me to Nashville every year after that and I always performed at his house because he has like a 250-seat bar in his house with the big stage and all this stuff and a

Pool that shaped like a guitar like it's insane. And so I would come out there and perform. I would do like, you know These dirty joke nights that him and Mel Tillis would host and like I performed there for seven years before Zany's ever booked me Wow, and then I saw kicks Brooks again, and I told him that joke seven years later. He thought it was hilarious And now he's one of my very good friends. Oh Yeah, I like, you know, yeah Vegas and watch him perform. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, so it's kind of crazy how it comes full circle Like you that's the thing about you though is that you were you I remember you being tenacious Right, and you just won't wouldn't quit. No

You really you like you worked so hard. There's a couple of people like that where I can just think of it's somebody There's another girl out there that you know who Helen Hong is. I love Helen. Yeah, yeah I hire her for stuff on our Netflix show. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's her work ethic It's like, you know when I did my sitcom they're like, oh Helen Hong is your sister in the show She showed up and you know she was somebody that wasn't really ever on my radar But that was the day when I went I just memorized, you know, her, you know, her face her name I put her in my

World in terms of like who I respect like I got Margaret show like she is somebody that I just went into to myself This chick has because I remember when she was starting Mm-hmm, and it just you were just kind of like, you know, I mean and then she just wouldn't quit Mm-hmm, and I just I love fucking that shit man. Yeah, you're one of them. You're just wouldn't quit Well, that's the secret to coming not quitting. Is that it? It really is honestly like if you just hang around long enough and keep doing it Yeah, be good There was this guy named Joey Marmo who I started with this Jewish guy and you remember him probably know and I did open mics with them and then he

One day just went fuck this. I'm going back to North Carolina. I go. Why I'm gonna Work at my dad's insurance, you know, I mean so he went out I don't know where I think it was North Carolina and then he started a family at eight kids I don't know what he and then literally two years ago. I see him at the open mic What? Yeah, and I go Joey Yeah, I came back And I go because I came back and I go why You guys see you guys all killing it. You know what I mean? And I'm you know, and I'm like I wanted to tell him I go

It's too late. Mm-hmm. You know, is it too late that do you think it's too late? I Because I'll tell you why I I'll tell you why I think that I have been successful. Okay, it's because I was there when You were starting I was there when Sebastian Moscow. Everyone was starting I grew up grew up with people and now I'm the jobs that I'm getting is all because of my history, right? It's it's because of all the things that I've done It's because of all the work that I continue to do and I think that that has a lot to do with it You know, it's like, you know, who you know is you know, when they say that it kind of is true

It's all about that. Yeah, you guys have never even so much as taken like a six-month break and said, you know what like I just need a moment to recalibrate figure out if this is really what I want to do Or have you always just pushed and pushed and pushed? Yeah, until quarantine until we weren't I never stopped Yeah, I mean I had to stop when I was super pregnant because I would run out of breath. I couldn't breathe I was yeah, I can't like 70 pounds. I couldn't breathe and the baby was huge And like that was the only reason I had to take a break. Yeah, and then quarantine made me take a longer one But in the 19 years I've known you you've always been around. Yeah. Yeah, I mean and that's kind of it But like that's also like I just knew I like once I started I was like, man

I really enjoy writing jokes for other people. I started realizing that about I Don't know 10 years in, you know, and I was just like I enjoy performing myself But I it's much more rewarding for me to write a joke in someone else's voice and like see them perform that and then that Be good. I don't know. I just really enjoyed that and so that's how I got into the roasts, too It was because I I would let Jeff perform at my Jeff Ross I would let him perform at this room that I ran and Finally, I saw him at a birthday party once and I was like, what's the next roast you're doing and he said He told me that like it was like Quentin Tarantino was like some charity thing

And I said, what's your email and he gave me his email and I just sent him jokes every day until he just could ignore me anymore Wow, and then he's like, okay come over and I and he's like it's not it's this isn't like a paid gig And I was like, you know, I have to pay me just remember me for a gig Just think about me when someone it needs somebody for a gig. That's all it is When the roast battles first started on those Tuesday nights. Remember the first time you saw Sarah go up Yeah, yeah, and you came home and you were like, holy Did you you did I did the beginning, right? Yeah, the beginning. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you came home and you were like holy Holy shit, yeah, yeah, you got to go Tuesdays at midnight. That was the wildest thing I'd ever seen

I did not want to do those. Yeah, Brian Moses like kept pushing me and I was like and I was the first person that would Just I would judge them to start I was always a judge and and everyone and the judges kept thinking they were roasting them too and I'd be like And that joke would have been so good If you had just taken the middle and or if you had taken the end and made it more of a beginning or put some head on that Jeff you had said it like this it would have worked So I became more of just like I've become like, oh man, it just it's all math to me. So I'm just like, oh, it's like a word problem I'm just constantly

Rearranging words and trying to figure out how they work best together and then they kept pushing me and pushing me into like do I'm like nobody wants to see me right like I'm too nice like nobody wants to see that And then like it just worked out Yeah, I hate to wear and then they started using me for when they were pitching the show So like they'd have me and Ralphie roast each other for You know Russell Simmons would come like at the time they wanted HBO to buy it So then he would come in and I would just like roast the shit And my thing was I was always like super prepared. I would do tons and tons of research

But my thing with roasting was like I'm not trying to hurt your feelings like I'm trying to impress you I want to write a joke that you want to use Right, yeah, like I'm not I'm not you know, it's not I'm not gonna say anything that is malicious That you wouldn't you know, I want to say something that's clever and interesting that you would want to use in your act And so that's kind of what helped me be good at that like for roast battle. Anyway, yeah I mean, I mean, that's also the reason why you know, obviously I needed you in every situation that I had I would call you because of the fact that like, you know, I mean you're great on stage But I also knew that you're just a great writer as well

You know, I mean you just had that that head and that brain to do it. Did you go up against Tiffany? Yeah Yeah, that was Tiffany and annihilated like oh my yeah, yeah, I said I remember saying because it didn't feel like she wrote anything Yeah, Tiffany, did you weave your joke? Yeah, because a lot of these people like, you know, um, they have personalities think that they can just show up, right? Right, and you was exactly like that. He'd be like, I'm just going off the dome Sarah. Yeah. All right. Good luck But it's like the precision of your jokes, right? Yeah, would oh the precision would always win Yeah, I mean just the way, you know, I mean just the setup and the harsh switch or whatever it was, you know It was like it's just something that I I never tried out of fear because I just I

Maybe I just don't know how to write that way or I can be mean talent though But I can be mean, you know, but she you see it as a mathematical equation Yeah, that's how her brain reads it and that's how her brain is able to put it on paper Yeah, I really think that that's a talent I think it's also easier for me because I don't have a lot of like demons or anything So like you also have to be able to be roasted. That's the other part I'm not just roasting people and not getting it in return. I'm also getting it in return So it's like it's not like I I've never, you know been to AA, you know

I mean like I don't have like a past that like people could really dig into. Yeah, right I knew that, you know, they were just gonna make whore jokes about me Prepared for that because that's not who I am at all. You know, I'd be like, oh Whenever they would I would have tons of comebacks for those jokes that I knew were coming and I would You know try and annihilate them based on their laziness Like if you knew I remember like I remember roasting big poppy who what when he retired from the Red Sox Yeah, David Ortiz, you know big pop Yeah, I know I have a story about that. You know what he did one time

No, he went up to big poppy thinking that big poppy was Manny Ramirez. Oh, no, no, I don't know So wait, didn't Manny play for the Dodd. Yeah late Manny. Oh late Manny biggie poppy Biggie poppy did that show game on which that was right. Oh, so I kept calling him Manny Oh, right and then he just won. He just kind of because all day long it called because I didn't know Me and you're like, babe this guy Manny he's like a really famous baseball player. You love baseball come over here and when I got on set I was like That's not man. I was like, that's David Ortiz. And eventually he goes, hey, I'm not Manny Grab me and I was like, oh

Fuck my bad. I don't know But that's so funny because David Ortiz notoriously called his teammates the wrong names forever Like Dustin Padrella like who played second base for that like he called him pee we like for like six Yeah, and then he heard the umpire like calling him David and he's like what or doesn't what I call you Dustin He's like, that's my name. It's like, oh, I thought it was pee we You know, I don't feel bad. No, it was your thing about David Ortiz. Well, they did I was the only woman on the roast. It was like Gronk was there who I noted that show. Yeah as well, you know, and And they literally just called me a whore for like and I was like you guys

You guys have are giving me a lot of credit. That was the first thing I said I was like my list of sexual partners is a lot like Dustin Padrella. It is embarrassingly short. Yeah Yeah, like let me go. Wow. You know what I mean, but I should do research Yeah, that's that's what I think that's the because I did tell you about the I told you about the commercial I did right now, which I did a commercial a long time ago, and I was doing it with these two old men Right, and I thought these two old men were because they didn't have any lines really and I go They're extras Yeah, in my head. I'm like, they're have to be extra

I'm the one gonna actually make you make you rageful Recoil it's gonna make you so, you know and also I'm I just gotten a sag and also I was getting like that year. I got like 12 national commercials Jesus in my head I'm like, I'm the king of you know me and commercials I can be me Right, so um, I would go a Go get me a Diet Coke little man to little man. You do like all right. Let me go to the Get me pretzels

Right. Oh my god, and at the end is so embarrassing and at the end then at the end of the shoot They start having dialogue so good. They shut the first part right they shot me and then so they had some dialogue I'm like, oh, they aren't extras and then at the end somebody came up to me and goes What was like working with two legends? I go well those two old men Yeah, I go. Who are they? He goes Gordie how and Stan Makeda who are hockey legends, right? Mm-hmm. I mean these guys are like, you know, I mean the Babe Ruth I know and then they had already gone because I wanted to apologize. Oh Yeah, I did I wanted to how would you apologize to a hockey player? No, just say I

Sorry, I made you kick me a duck hook. I thought you were so sorry. You know something But they had already gone in their limos away And then you know and also when you make a mistake like that you just spent the whole next week just laying in bed and Just like you're just blushing you should just be so grateful that they didn't beat the shit out whole job is You're right, right? Yeah. Yeah, I just make mistakes like that all the time and it's like I should just do research Or look at the call sheet and go. You I mean Gordie and just Google. Yeah, I do that for you now

She does it now. Oh, that's nice. I'm not I get secondhand embarrassment. Uh-huh I mean the worst thing was honestly when big poppy was on set. Yeah. Yeah, as soon as I saw his face I was like has he been calling him Manny in the whole the time. Yeah, my heart sang Yeah, well that yeah for that. I remember when I went up to him. I was like, hey big poppy nice to meet you And I pretend like I didn't know you at all. Yeah Yeah, I do remember that but it's like yeah with that show especially like I had to then kind of show up and go Who are these athletes because it's like, you know, you were always you're an athlete. You love sports Hmm. I only like specific ones like I know about MMA. I know about soccer and that's pretty much it

Okay, like you don't have to know about everything like that's That's fine. I don't think athletes get offended, you know, you should know their name if you're working. Oh, no No, because me and Gronk, you know, I mean he texts me. I mean, we're wrong before you met Gronk. What? Definitely doesn't remember people's names, but no, well, he told you do you think it's a CT? I mean gotta be. No, he looked at me once just out of nowhere and he goes. I never read a book He said out of nowhere, but he's written to He's written to yeah ghost writers, right?

I mean for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I think he's just a special kind of genius Maybe one that doesn't you know read on paper as a genius, but not only that you can also feel his heart Yeah, yeah, and you just know as soon as you meet him you go. Oh, he's a good guy He really he's just a nice kind of a good guy. His team were really nice people, you know, I also liked Venus oh, that's right. Yeah, Venus Williams was also on it and You never watched tennis either. Well, I know who the Williams are You know, I mean, I know who let me see if I can name you guys should go back and forth and name tennis players You know, we'd name five five. I'll leave one. You name one five NFL players. No, no

Oh, tennis is harder. Let's let's whoever runs out loses. So here we go. I'm going to start beyond Bork Beyond Bork this old you're going old school. I know any tennis player, right? Okay. Yeah back joke of it There we John McEnroe. I just want you to go the old hat. That's all I know I'll give you clues by one giving redhead. I don't know. Don't do that German redhead. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. I can't even like now I have to think it's like serena. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, you can't see the wheel. We just said the will you know You said Venus. Oh, you said, oh, it's so you say Serena that I'm gonna say Billy Jean King. Oh Billy King one's one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I said you said just say all the guys that don't go bitch

Played against me. Yeah. Yeah, I mean Spain Spain Spain That was the one I was gonna say just now Roger Spaniard just the number one Spaniard Looks like Andres kind of I don't know always wins the French open on Rafael Rafael dos Santos Never yeah, let me do football. Let me try football. Oh, yeah, let me try five Current or in just I I have to go the whole thing. I already know who you're gonna say first No, no, no, you're gonna say junior sale because he's from San Diego

You say I rock hold Sandy. I got this Fuck Refrigerator Perry good one. Do you know how I know that because I used to play Tecmo ball It was like a digital. Yeah, and I was because I don't know anybody in Tecmo ball But Richard refrigerator Perry was this gigantic brown Like all the players were this but he was like this big. Yeah, I go who the fuck is this one? And then I looked it up. So Richard refrigerator. Jerry Rice. Yes Great, he drinks a lot of Tyrone Owens

Tyrone Tyrone Owens They're probably Tyrone Denver Bronco Terrell Terrell Terrell or Owens. I never rock or use a girl Terrell whatever whatever it's like Tyrone in the streets. It's called Tyrell. It's there's no I Y. It's T Terrell Terrell Terrell Terrell like Darrell, but with a T. All right. He played for the Denver Broncos. He's running back No Dallas right a four you have one more

You know quarterbacks you got to know quarter back. No, I don't hold on any modern quarterback. I'm curious. Yeah Yeah, you need me run. I'm carrying it. Oh, you fuck yourself. Can you never talk to me like that again? Could you name a model here a first name Patrick Patrick Payton? You know what? Those are two first names. Okay, I've quartered Peyton first manning. Yeah. Hey manning. What his brother? Roger Manning. Hey, love it I like it. I like it. No, you don't you play for New York. How about this? Can you name me 10 soccer players? Oh? Oh, five soccer players in the history of soccer. Yeah, okay. Sure. Okay. Bye Beckham. Okay

Uh, hold on. I've seen them in my head. I'm not very good. Okay. Describe them too. Uh Let's see. Hold on. Hold on. I get Megan Rapinoe Oh, they're not soccer players. Yeah, she is she plays. Yeah, Abby Weinbach. Yeah. Oh, you're gonna go there? You're gonna go. All right. Well, Abby Weinbach, uh, Hope Solo. Yeah, that's so not fucking fair for the girl from No, no, no, you can't even because she's from here. She's going to women's. Yeah. Go ahead. Four. Go ahead. She just had a baby. Oh, yeah, I'm just trying to think. Yeah, she just had, um, twins, right? Or, um, man, I can't think I'm trying to think of, uh, Messi Cristiano Ronaldo. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He was one of my number. I waited when I worked at the Beverly Hills Hotel

He like lived there when he was rehabbing his ankle. And so I like worked with him every day No, I waited on him every day. Was he nice? Oh, so nice Handsome? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He has like the most perfect skin Oh my god. He has beautiful skin. So many girls. So many girls like just would Like swim slowly over to his side of the pool because he was always in a cabana like a private cabana and he He was wow. How long was they there for? Oh over a month. Any other soccer players hang out there? I wouldn't have known them. Oh Yeah, it was always really interesting like, um

I remember my favorite, not favorite, but one of the craziest customers I had forever was Shug Knight And I remember like, I went, he always liked the barbecue chicken pizza, no onions and, uh, he would disappear for hours at a time and I'd be like, I need Mr. Knight to sign his check, you know Like I can't leave until he signs his check Because I knew it was going to be at least a hundred bucks. Yeah. Yeah. And so, oh wait and wait and wait and then Uh, I remember one night I was in West Westwood Like and I had like I had been shopping. I had like a gap bag, you know Like all like clothes and he gets out of an escalade with like seven dudes

and I stop and I go Mr. Knight and I like Like a total white girl way Mr. White like like a presidential like no, no, no just like eager like like when you see somebody that you know from far away and you're like Hey, I've never done that before. Well, that's what I do. Yeah And I'm very cheery. I don't know if you've noticed but tell me he recognized you He had he just like and I was like right and I just like All right. All right. Yeah. This is not the right situation

I saw him at the comedy store a couple times and he did remember me there. Oh, he did. Yeah He'd be like you want to come out with us and I'm like, no, thanks I'm not going to be tonight's stuff Yeah, I'm good. Hey, because did you wait on famous people in tip? I don't want to name names, but I was usually only like the British people that did that Ah, they don't know culturally. Yeah, that's just not a custom there. So like you knew There were lots of like there were tons of celebrities There was one guy that I remember coming one time and he had a silver

One of those silver hardback suitcase like briefcases and he had a handcuffed to him And he was drinking like double gray goose on the rocks with extra money He was attractive But he was hanging out the jacuzzi and every time you walked past him, he would give you 50 bucks So I walked past him a lot and and then I ended up like just like trying to figure out like what was going on with him and his wife had left him for another guy and was trying to take all his money And so he took all the money out of the bank and put it in that briefcase

And he was like me me and my room later tonight and where I'm going to Paris And you'll never have to worry about anything for the rest of your life And I always think like man if I had done that what would have happened like where would my life be? Right, right. Would I be doing this podcast? Does he handsome? Yeah, he was handsome. Yeah, he wasn't he wasn't incredibly handsome But he was like handsome enough. Did you consider it? Yeah, of course. Yeah, I think there's a little part of you that goes And then you go no, no, no like this can't be a good situation to get into Yeah, you could either be royalty or dead right exactly. Yeah, it's 50 50 50 50. Yeah

Yeah, like the $50 bills he was handing out. He's crazy enough to handcuff the briefcase to him all day. Yeah He's crazy enough to but it clearly somebody was going to be looking for that money because that wasn't technically Legally all his yeah, how long did you work there? The four seasons I worked there for like two or three years and then Took a break and then went to the Beverly Hills Hotel You were there as well for five years. Oh my god years or something Yeah, for a long time and like it was great because I got tons of free hotel nights at the hotel Around the world. So I would be new comic on the road You know, I was the mc at like the funny farm in Atlanta, you know, and they're like, we can't put you up and I'm like, don't worry

I got hotel night You know, the headliner would be at the Marriott and I'd be at the four Four seasons So people thought I was like some rich kid, you know and like but everyone was always really nice Now can we talk about um your baby? Yeah, sure Caged I never that's your baby's name cage cage Great name like Nicholas cage. Oh, it's a yeah. I know what well. I'm just saying like some people say, you know They call him like gauge. Is it based on Nicholas cage?

It's from we were watching the baby naming sketch on snl to come try and come up with a name And it's it's nicolas cage and julia sweeney And so the old the head writer it lights out was like have you ever seen the baby naming sketch because he used to write on snl And I was like no and I watched it. I thought it was so funny And then I came home that night and I showed my boyfriend and he's like cage is a cool name And we wanted a c name or a b name That the he would have the same initials as my boyfriend. Oh, wow So

Yeah, I was like, well, I don't know anybody named cage and that sounds sporty, but like not too much pressure It's like kind of cool and tough and you know now he has a scar already because he had to get stitches so I know I mean I When I look at the baby that baby because I see videos and stuff Is literally one of the happiest babies I've ever fucking seen But it's like me, you know, I'm a pretty happy. Yeah, you are he's very cheery. He's very happy right now He's very into giving kisses and hugs It's like so sweet. Yeah

He just like he then goes like this. He goes Like he like lifts his little chin up. It's pretty cute show. Is it strangers and then, you know Four split second earlier, george had thought he were married to wil sasa Oh, oh, yeah, silver face. Yeah. Yeah. Nope. I'll take that I think he does in real life in real life. He doesn't look like he does not look like that in real life I think he looks like the guy from the americans, but with a shaved head a little. Yeah, I find him to be very cute Yeah, thank you. I really do. I like his face. Yeah, he's got he's got one of those like, um, You know, I always refer to it as if I was in a concentration camp

Who'd help you? Yeah, like one of the like if I was in the you know, one of the japanese one of those interming interim camps and one or two white people would I assume Would sneak up to the fence and like put like sandwiches. You know, I mean, he's like your your your husband's like one You guys are married now, right? No, we're not married. You're gonna get married. I don't know Yeah, we're on this. I feel like yeah, I was like, you know, most of it It's because he's a patriots fan and I feel like he's one enough

I'm like, I'm not gonna give you a ring as well Uh No, I mean we've talked about but we just decided to have a baby first because I'm old You know and all right, it was just kind of like this is a little bit more pressing and so we Decided to do that. So is it because you know, I'm I don't know why But I have like a clock ticking and I want a baby now. Oh, it's clock sticking though. My yeah Yeah, my clock's ticking and um, let me ask you something as a friend Is it worth it?

Are you being serious because you did that thing where you You you you did your actor thing with me where you're pretending to be serious, but I don't think you okay I'll do it. I'll ask again Okay, I'll fucking ask again Oh, yeah, it's not a podcast anymore. This is real. Okay. Yeah, we'll turn we'll turn off the cameras Okay Hi um

Sarah I've known you for 19 years and um, I honestly like we don't really hang out that much But we see each other often. I know a lot. I think somewhat a lot about you I should I should know more but I do know enough to know that um, I trust you And I really do and I think that in terms of the the business that we're in is filled with a lot of A lot of scoundrels people that I don't really trust um, and there are people like you and there are people um that I know that um I trust implicitly will sass would be one of them. He just has one of those things

You know, I mean that you could Eric stone streets another guy, you know, I mean the I love Eric and um I've I want a baby And I'm asking as a friend. Um, is it worth it? Yes Okay, it is worth it. I thought it'd be funny to say no, but I When I realized how serious you were back on real quick. I would say, uh Also for you the clock is ticking because like the older your sperm gets the higher the chance of autism

So you have to be careful about that but My cum is very young I'm old, but my cum is very. I love that Yeah, because I I have a little um microscope microscope at home upstairs. I mean, this is where I live my bad And every time I come I look right And they're just you know, they're into it Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I would just say

I uh, I think the more pressing thing is just like you get they're exhausting And so I think the older you get the harder it becomes So exhausting it just sounds like you're talking me out of it No, no, no, what I was gonna say is that you don't think I'll be a good. I was No, I think you'd be a great father. Be honest with me. Are you doing acting? Are you acting? Are you are you seratiana? No, this is why I think you'd be a great father because you're fun. There we go Um, you are spontaneous, which you have to be with children. Exactly. Um, you're reliable And uh, you are you genuinely care, but you are reliable

Yes First the rebuttal after this I want to hear your rebuttal you genuinely care about people and things and you remember things about people and I think I think you would teach a kid but also not be so But not be like a parent that's like such a hover like you would let them be a kid I'm gonna hover a helicopter. Yeah, daddy. And I'm glad she said that because I'm gonna look at you now Okay, I'm glad she said that because um, remember what she said it was exhausting Mm-hmm. I don't know but can I just say something remember how much you love your sleep you treasure your sleep I love sleeping Can I say something remember how you almost had you our dog was choking two weeks ago

And after I said not to feed it. He has no teeth Don't feed it that hot dog and you fed it the hot dog and then the dogs are choking Do you remember that can it can I ask you something? Do you remember that I'm a human being? And do you also remember that I have frailties and I make mistakes as human beings do Mm-hmm. Okay. And can I say something else? All right, you know, I'm tired of being judged as a human Let me I know doesn't seem clear right But I feel like I'm my back is against the wall. It's gonna get and I'm gonna I'm gonna make it clear. Okay So it's like, you know

Yeah, based on, you know, if you look at my behavior and who I am as a human as a regular guy in society, right? Maybe, you know, I mean, there's I need a lot of improvements, right? And maybe I do have a lot of character defects and frailties and things But if you look at me as a comedian, right, it I'm bumped up. I think a little Right. So in terms of in comedy, you know, I have to admit I've helped a lot of comics. I have I'm generous I'm very generous very very generous. You love that about you. Okay. I'm generous. Um, I really fundamentally Root for the fucking you know, I mean the underdog, which is a good trait. I think and um I think at the end of the day, I'm a good person. You are a good person. Yeah, you know, so, um

What do you think? Yeah, I I think all of those things I agree. Yeah. Yeah. I also I want to state a few facts I'm like curious as to what's holding you back. Yeah. Yeah Yeah Did you or did you not almost set this whole house on fire four times in the last six months? Yes human Did you or did human did you or did you not cost at the very least two choking incidents with our animals?

Do you or do you not yes seatbelt? Yes, no, I don't but yes I will go we're driving yesterday you go put the seatbelt. I put it on I will tell you that having a child makes you think about your own Mortality way more. I think before I had a baby. I wasn't really afraid of anything I'd be like I my You know, if I was like, oh if I had to choose how to die I would do it in a plane crash because I know I'd pass out and then I'd probably be in first class. I'd probably be drinking My family would get money from the airline like everybody wins, you know, but like now I'm like terrified

Driving I'm like if I get hit by a car and I can't go home and see my son like I've never been I've never had to think so much about someone else and that's what a child forces you to do it That's the most stop being selfish. That's the most compelling argument. I've ever heard Oh, it's actually you now. I want a baby today because anything I will do anything for this man to care more about his safety That that's how I know that's the thing is I know and this is the truth, okay? This is the truth. Okay. I know when I look at the baby when it comes out of the choo choo Right, and it's slimy and it's whatever it does. You know me You know, right and I'm holding it, right?

And it and it looks at me right and I look at it. I know that like Five or six things will forever change within me. Number one I'll have an instant connection. Right because I just love the little things Mm-hmm. You're right. Number two I know that I just have no motivation You know, I mean, I I know that a kid would motivate me You know, I mean, I believe that as well because you can see it in my sobriety If I okay, let me say something when I'm

Relapsed or I'm drinking I don't stay out that that that out there that long Right after three or four months of using drugs and this and that even if I have everything like I relapsed in this house Right. I didn't really lose everything. I mean you threatened to leave I did didn't work. It didn't work, right? And then you went to the therapy. It turns out I'm obsessed. Yeah, right? So, you know, I didn't really lose anything But what I could see is like my gut says, you know, I mean if you go down this path, right? It's it's not going to be good Right. So you might as just nipping in the butt right now, right? I just have that internal thing about me, right?

I think that's I think a kid would do that for me. I would start doing yoga again I would do use the peloton and I you know, I mean, you know, I will say though that it doesn't happen right away I thought it would happen when you first get you're like, oh my god I you know I talk about it on stage like how it makes me think like the bachelor is Like why it works. I'm like when you're trapped in a house with a man like all day. You're like, I think I love him I don't know. I think I do. He's here for the right reasons, you know I feel like I want to spend the rest of my life It's only been a couple weeks, but it took a couple and that it could be because I was on so much medication

because I had to have a c-section because my baby was abnormally large and So you're kind of drugged, you know, like it takes a while and then like when they start looking you in the eye Once they can actually see because it takes like A month to two months before they can actually like recognize you They really just know your smell and your sounds at the beginning And once you start seeing them like bond with you and like Look you and like need you and they start making noises or laughing at you or smiling when they see you and like Just wanting you to hold them like when when somebody else holds them and then they cry and then you hold them and they stop

Yeah, it's like all these little things add up and so all you just fucking sold it for me You just fucking sell because he just had a baby. Well, how long a month ago a month ago. Is he recognizing? Yeah, right and then would you get those feelings? Yeah, it's it's hard and and the nights can be very hard and long But you know, thank goodness there are two of you and you can switch off you can also hire a night nurse We're gonna hire we have a girl hire tons of people We have we have a girl I'm like people can help you with lots of stuff and and your family will want to help and like

There's so many people that that always want to help and hold everybody wants to hold a baby I'm gonna get a night nurse. Yeah, that really helps too because Obviously sleep is like people go. Oh, you must and I sleep You know eight nine hours a night, but it's still not enough You know when people say like, oh, you just you don't get enough sleep. They mean 20 hours Yeah, because all he's like now he's walking He's just exhausting and all he wants to do all day is like play with the ball or play outside and like And I'm just constantly watching him to make sure he doesn't go close to the dog

The dog doesn't you know, don't put that in your mouth and so that it becomes tedious But then like I was like, I'm never having another one. This is it. Just the one I don't want to I don't want to play like want to play zone. I don't want to have to play man to man, you know and um, and now I'm like I can have another one. I think Really that's something but I can't convince He was the one that wanted it and now he's like, no It's too exhausting. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. He's always gonna fall off of something. You know, he's always like

It's like he's like a circuit spare like constantly where you're like, don't step on that. Don't jump on that. What are you doing? Don't dive Oh, he started standing and then he was like, I'm gonna do it on chairs All right. Wow. Yeah, the floor is fine. You know, wow, there's little things. It's it's not easy But it's very rewarding like all the goods like completely outweigh the bad and people would tell me that And until you have I mean until you have one you just won't a big part of me was like You know, I was always very maternal anyway. I was like a mother to everyone at the comedy store. Basically Yeah, I took care of so many broke comics there, you know, but like I think a big part of me was just like as a woman Like I feel like I'm able to do this incredible magic trick with my body and I feel like I'd be doing myself a disservice

Yeah to not try to do my magic Yeah, but also but I also want you to focus on your career as well And I want you to go on the road I want you to make money and all that stuff as well You know, but I don't want to be on the road like I don't make money on the road I make money in the rider's room and I get attention and I get health insurance. Yeah dental. Yeah And when I do the road like I'll do it with tosh like that's who I go out with, you know Because our kids are exactly one year apart. They were born on the same day

What's he like on the road? He's incredible. He's just like you. He's incredibly generous. I love Daniel. I love it We hang out now our babies hang out all the time. Oh, wow. It's so crazy. Yeah. Yeah It's just so weird like the way the world is, you know, I mean and I got every single thing that I mean his son had shouldn't have said his name. Sorry. You'll have to cut that out. Yeah, but I He he gave me all the hand me downs from his son, you know, like everything my son had is from You know, like fancy stuff like is his son older than one year one year older. Exactly one year. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah And so it's great like now he has someone, you know that That he can hang out with and play with and chase around and he's another one

Daniel tosh That when he made it sometimes people when people make it I kind of go Yeah, fly god, you know, I mean and then they get bigger and then you have to drive by their billboards and you're like boy And he's one of those guys where I went it. There's no I just Sebastian the same way where it's just like You deserve it. Mm-hmm. You're uber talented. Mm-hmm. Nice guy. Mm-hmm. No weird feelings at all. No, it's the weird ones I mean that I just kind of go Like who? No, I'm just gonna

I have named them. I have named them Yeah, I like it today though. Okay. I'm not gonna do today, but I like to start fires I heard because Lila told me about the house. Yeah, I like to start yeah I But yeah, I mean I think that there are a lot of people that I Haven't enjoyed performing with but you know Daniel and yourself are like by far my favorites. Like it was fun. We're working with you because um number one I remember we went to San Antonio ones, right? And we walked around remember we walked around and then

The river walk the river walk. Yeah, you were and I were at the river walk and then you would sell your um The cat. Oh, yeah, that's why I said I wish I would have known you had a little puppy Yeah, yeah, I brought some bow ties. My mom still makes the cat bandanas and dog bow ties Oh, really cat bandana calm if anyone Do you sell on the road still or no? Oh, yeah Oh, wow when I would go on the road and I would make ones for that city's uh sports teams Oh, wow So we would we would look at my schedule. My mom would make them for like

Minnesota teams or you know, all the is she proud of you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I make fun of them and I act like they're not that but they're very proud Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're they they I have to tell them not to sit in the front row Oh, right, right, right because they get very and my dad will stand next to me Uh after the show and like shake every he'd be like, I'm Sarah's dad Yeah, they're very very supportive very happy all the time, you know So at the end of our thing, you know, first of all, you were a delight. Oh, thank you. Thanks for having me And it's just so easy

That's you know, a lot of times it's not that easy Right. We've had ones where it was like That was hard You have to do a lot of work. Yeah Or just you just don't get anything back But I could talk to you forever and we're gonna have you back on but um at the end of our podcast We do a thing called unhelpful advice And people have emails for us and you can help them or not. Okay, so go ahead

Unhelpful advice. Go ahead. You can take hold on. Hold on. Let Jules take uh, the puppy puppy. Oh, this is a bad idea to bring him in here. This is the night nurse She looks very competent and helpful. Yeah, she's in high school She almost he almost broke One of my poppies other dogs paw today. No, she didn't You're projecting you're projecting. She's so helpful. She's my she's the greatest She's my little helper in the house. I'll go ahead and get it But I'm just saying let me just say this to cut this out is if I had done that I would have gotten a real big trouble

So much more if I had done that it's mayhem. Yeah, she doesn't That's another reason you need a kid so you can blame stuff on the kid like the kid did it There we go. That's a good add that in the baby is the one that Yeah, yeah that threw the dog over that's not my shit Baby baby relapse. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, yes, the baby's drinking. Why can't I? My eight year my eight year the unhelpful advice again Unhelpful advice with sarah tiana

Impressive my eight second city chicago. All right, man. My father died last year And this living trust he explicitly left everything to me and name my three siblings as getting zero Before he died he verbally reminded me specifically to make sure one sister received zero He wasn't wealthy about 60,000 was left for me I feel guilty for not giving some to my sister But I loved my father and she abandoned him for the last year of his life Please alleviate me of my guilt or not Okay, let me get this straight because okay, so his dad dies. Yep

Left him 60 grand all the money. Is it him or her? It is a To him. We'll call him james james. So james got 60 grand. He has other siblings. Yes one Uh three three they got nothing nothing And and he's not going to give them anything He would like to uh, the dad also made it very specific for one sister to really not get anything. Okay I mean, I have an answer. Well, I just have a suspicion not an answer My suspicion is that He wants to stick it and blame like you do

You want to stick it you want to stick the blame onto the fact that the dad wanted them to have zero and pretend Like he's respecting the wishes because he himself wants to keep the 60 grand So he wants that's not it. I think I think that's it. He that's that's that's that's that's because really all he could do is He owns the money now. He's the inheritor. He could just give it if he really wanted to if he felt so much guilty He could that's yeah, but then you're not respecting the wishes of Listen the wishes of your listen I Told you my cousin many years ago

Called me and he goes Um, you know, I have kids like yeah, he goes you're doing really well. Congratulations. I go. Thank you and he goes um I can't literally feed my kids So I go All right. Well, see you later. I mean, I don't know what I mean And he goes can I have 10 grand? So I went, you know, I gotta give this guy 10 grand. You know what I mean? Only one time. That's it but I'm gonna give it to him and

My brother told my dad. I was giving one of my cousins 10 grand. My dad called me when we this is my dad by the way Oh, amazing Yes He's in here. He's a he's a pig me This is his condo. Yeah. Yeah It's a very small apartment. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, my dad is so my dad called me and he goes you can't Give him anything and I go why? Because here's dad my uncle fuck me

over So many here, you know, I mean you can't so I had to call this cousin back and go I can't give it to you and my cousin, right? You know, he threatened to kill everyone in my family He was that desperate because I told him that I would do it, right? But I abided by my father's You mean wishes. Yeah, but why do the kids have to pay for that? Like okay, your dad had beef with somebody that's not him the person that you're giving money to maybe a hundred years from now Our grandkids are gonna pay for the environmental mess that we've were leaving them. You know, I mean people just pay

I would uh If I felt guilty about having the money and I felt like it depends on how if he thinks his Brothers and sisters are deserving. Yeah, because if they're not then don't give them anything You know, but if they are and you feel guilty about it, maybe you don't have to give them money Maybe you can just buy them something they need with the money that you have. Yeah, but if the sister had the best way to do Yeah, that's not technically giving them money. You're just buying them a gift But he's saying the sister abandoned the dad that last year doesn't get anything So that one gets nothing she gets nothing zero. What do you think?

Maybe And let's see if you're lying. Hey James. Yeah, first of all if you're fucking look at me I would this is what if that woman had kids. I'd give the kids stuff. Yeah. Yes. That's what yeah, not her Can I finish mine? Yeah Hey James James If you're lying listen if you're lying then go fuck yourself

But if you're telling the truth and your dad really did say that and your sister did Abandon your dad the last year of his life, right? Then you can't give her any money. That's all I'm gonna say Yeah, there you go. That makes sense. Give us another one. Hey guys We're taking a really quick break to share one of our favorite sponsors on this podcast better help No better help. Hmm better help. Honestly, George and everyone in the room um This is one endorsement or ad that I do that I Really I almost get teary eyed

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H-e-l-p dot com slash belly enjoy the rest of the show So nearly a decade ago I fell in love with someone a few months prior to moving across country The love was mutual but neither of us wanted a long distance relationship at the time There was a lot of ups and downs but one thing remained We still loved each other and we still do now, but we're both in serious relationships It's been on my mind like crazy lately, and I don't know what to make of it To be with him would be a total life restart and it would I would risk so much

But I often wonder about the potential reward. What do you think bridges of Madison county? That's the answer Bridges of Madison county. You see that movie remember that last scene? What's it? Clint Clint Clint Eastie Yeah, yeah, he's in the car the last he sees her in the rearview mirror, right? And that's he's in love with her right, but she's married right and he drives away That's it I think also sometimes the idea of someone is way more. That's what I'm saying Yeah, that yeah, but it that's true

I think people think like if I was with this person it would solve all the problems because you're projecting all the bad things from Your own relationship and thinking they won't be the same in that other relationship But remember you are the common denominator like you might be bringing you might be the cause of those problems and bring them With you, so I would say Don't do it. Do you have a love though? Outside of your the one the one they got away. No, there's not one guy. No, me neither No, me either. I wait what I always let me either that doesn't pursue no me either Me either now it's angry

Me either. I agree. I also think like I read this article where I don't know if it was on vice where they're like Careful with how the pandemic has affected your thought processes about your relationship because people are really looking forward to that hot girl summer and getting back out there and living a life and You know breaking it off with the person they've stuck it out with through the pandemic And I also think it's like you have so much time to like Ponder you've had a lot of time to ponder like I was starting digging through photos having feelings again For people I hadn't seen in like 10 years, but that's not real

This nightmare is real This is the reals. Yeah, the foundation is deep and solid. Yeah, I think your imagination can really carry. Yeah, and it's very it's yeah, it's uh I always think of when I think about like exes in that way in a very like lustful way Forgetting how horrible the actual real part of the relationship was. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna show you something. Okay Okay, so this is oh wait, hold on. I'm not really lost for any x so this is my this is my screensaver for my phone, okay, this is

This is a drawing of kalilah. There's another drawing of kalilah, right? But this is kalilah as a kid Right, and I always look at this. Okay, and I know that these Kalilahs on here, right? When I look at it Especially when I'm because I've traveled some, you know, I mean I always look at it and I go It's just like a knowing right that this is There's a connection there. It's even unexplainable almost, right?

But I know That we were meant to be with each other I know and I'm not I don't want I have to be honest with you. I should be more appreciative of that It's very rare honestly I should be more appreciative in this day and age It is pretty rare for people who are right for each for your person and you to find each other because There are so many options out there

I think that's the other part that kills relationships is that You know, there are seven billion people on the planet and we have access to every one of them like You know back in the day people would be married for like 60 years and you're like, yeah There were like three choices in town. You know, you took the lesser of two evils or whatever But like now I feel like we have so many options. We are inundated with so many You know choices And it's like the the cheesecake factory menu. I never know what I'm gonna eat there because there's way too many pages They even have a tie option, right? But in and out you always know what you want because it's yeah

Yeah, animal style. Yeah, and so I think when you do find true love in the world that we're in now It is something that you really have to hold on to and make work And I I don't think that like marriages and relationships should be work I think they should be like a garden that needs to be tended like you're just kind of like Every day you kind of do a little bit. You don't have to you know replant. Yeah, you know, you shouldn't have to If we change the soil I always have an 18th century view of a relationship as well How I'll explain myself

You know back in the day we've done 18th century roleplay. Yeah, that was great Here we hear a yay. So here I've been a shoemaker And he's been the aristocrat. I want you to churn butter though next time be the lady that churns butter. So um, let me So back in the day, you know, a guy would look be with a woman not just necessarily for breeding purposes There's a lot of things like can she you know, I mean, can she tend the you know, I mean the fields You mean she hold the fort down. Yeah, she can can she you know mean plow she can she do other things? There's other considerations Survival, you know, I mean as well and for me, it's like when I look at my beautiful

You know, maybe Filipino butterfly. Wow, right? You know, I there's a lot of things that I consider, right? mainly it's like We work well together as well on this podcast. We've created things together um, and um She hates this word and I'm not going to use it. I'm gonna the only is we're God you hate this word the please don't say roommates. No, no, we're not room. Okay. We're fine and say the word. Yeah. Yeah You're my lover

I love you But there is also a trust there and a friendship Friendship is of course the friendship is the word. Yeah. Yeah, and I love that word. I don't mind that. Okay And so I just can you know, for me, it's like before when I was in my 20s like I don't want to stick my pee pee in that hole. You know what I mean your 20s or four. Yeah, and just All that whatever. Oh, sorry my bad. Yeah a little too far But yeah, but then as you get older, I mean you just consider more There's more consider anyway. Yeah, I think I think that's important. You have to grow as a human being

I think it takes sometimes makes maybe takes a little longer for men to grow because men don't have a sense of urgency Like women are planners and we're like by this age. I'm gonna be like that, you know um, but I I think I don't know. I I realized like I used to have all these dealbreakers and stuff that I would like Do it like a checklist, you know, even like now like my voicemail says you reach Sarah Tion and Matthew Stafford And because he is my favorite football player and when guys would go Do you have a roommate? I'd be like nice to meet you because like if you don't know who Matthew Stafford is

There's no reason for us to talk. It was like really it was like this like Rams, baby. Yeah, it was just like this immediate thing, right? It was like So if I if I left a message, you know, I'd probably lean Wayne Rooney If they didn't know who Wayne Rooney was Yeah, but I realized that like but when I met my boyfriend, I was he literally checked off every day He had all of them. He had a roommate. His car was a mess. His which meant, you know, that means your room's mess Which means your life's a mess, you know, like all these things And then I realized that like the things I thought I wanted were not what I wanted and what I realized was like

I just want someone that I can respect and brag about and look up to and he has all those things He's someone I'm proud of constantly that I'm impressed by Yeah, uh, and like I can always brag about him and I think as a woman that is like really essential For us, you know, yeah, you know, like especially in this day and age because like You know, especially when you're kind of in charge and like a strong woman finding a man That's comfortable with that. Yeah and allows you to be that Makes you respect them even more. I am that. Yeah You are somebody I am. Oh real quick. I want to mention. I forgot to mention this real quick. I'm sorry. I won't forget

Cliali and I and saw a documentary that her name called you didn't finish it. You fell asleep called crib camp I watched a fifth Yeah, trip camp and a Brock and um Um, Michelle Obama produced it and it got it got also nominated for an Academy Award. It was about um A camp in the early 70s Um that started in the 60s when they actually started in the 50s of yeah, that's the documentary of people with disabilities would go to this this camp and it was like they um It was a bunch of hippies ran it

Oh, right. So it was the first time in their lives where they weren't being judged, right? They could not feel so self-conscious. They they they yeah, they were not sidelined. They could smoke make out They would make out fuck Just be teenagers be teenagers, right? And it really was and you know, I have to admit um in my not recently but early on in my comedy career I would make fun of Crips No, I would make fun of disabled people. You know, I mean not in a harsh way, but you know

Anything goes in comedy or whatever in my mind and it's like, you know, I I'm no longer gonna do that You know that that documentary really just kind of made me, you know, I mean respect Because they're just anyway. It was a really good documentary. That's good. I love that highly. I highly suggest it Um, anything you want to plug wasn't funny watching them have sex in wheelchairs. Was that they didn't have that footage, but I would have jerked off I was like show it. Show it. You know what I mean? Sure. Sure. Um a wheelie Papa chub and a wheelie at the same time fun Do you want to want to plug anything? No, just cat bandana.com. Oh cat bandana. Don't you have a you have a pond?

Not anymore. We stopped doing what we were doing. Yeah, we're thinking it was called um This week in the 90s and we would talk about things that happened that week in the 90s Who are you doing with my boyfriend? Yeah over the pandemic and then I started working on the after party The netflix show was spade and then it would just became like too much Are you still working with spade? Yeah, I still work with him, but we're on hiatus right now. So I don't I have to say about him. Um You know, I hung out with him last week went to dinner. Uh, and then he loves going to dinner Yeah, I know in a couple weeks before that I went to his house. We watched the fights

Um, he you know, if you were gonna have a boss Right. Yeah one of The nicest guys that you could have as a boss one of the best Be honest you if you were my boss, I would say the same thing But yeah, he is uh, because you're also very nice and generous and You know, I when I got that job I had just found out I was pregnant and I was like I had like 26 weeks on the road coming up And I was like, what am I gonna do? Like I can't

Fly this much and I had had a miscarriage the year before so I was really worried about something flying so much and that happening and like all this stuff And uh, so I told them I was like listen nobody knows this yet But like I have to tell you like I'm pregnant, you know, so like I can only work for you for nine months, you know And uh, they're like, oh, that's fine. Like who cares, you know and spade was like do you care if we talk about it ever? And I'm like sure and then that became like the whole arc of the you know, not the whole arc Yeah, we used it all the time. Yeah. Yeah the point where now people don't recognize me because I'm not Pregnant like we we moved to Encino we and my neighbor saw my lights out jack and she was like, oh my god We love that we watched it every day. And I was like, oh, thanks. And

She was like there was this pregnant girl on the show that was so funny And I'm like standing there with the baby and I'm like, yeah, that's me and she's like, no, no, no She was like blonde and she had like she was like and I'm like, no, no, no, that's Yeah, yeah, yeah But just like always let me like take time for appointments and you know, like just like very Generous caring like kind. Yeah, this is I don't know what I don't know what happened to him, but he's You know, he's just unusually nice. He's also the only Person I think you know, like one of those guys that's like so willing to make fun of himself

And he's so generous with laughter like he wants you to kill all the time. So he's very giving To like, yeah, that's what yeah, he wants you to kill. He's not nervous or afraid that like you're gonna look better than You know, like he's just he has a lot of confidence, but he also loves making fun of himself Which is so rare in late night, too Yeah, do you also worked with the cable guy, right? Oh, I worked with him a long time ago. I worked on his website, but I didn't tour with him. Oh, you didn't tour with him? No, no, no, I've always wanted to meet him. Is he nice so nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I went to his house in Nebraska That's right. I remember you flying out there. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, yeah I like riding his four-wheelers and stuff and his wife was like super pregnant at the time, but she was like shooting birds in the lake And I was like, I think they were like eating her fish or something and she was all What's his real name? Larry? Dan. Larry Dan. No, Dan Whitney is his name. Oh, Dan Whitney. I didn't know that. Yeah Well, I have to say, um You know, I'm I'm leaving town, but um, when you picked up yesterday and you said you would do this um It just made me so happy because um, you know, um, we just wanted a strong one

You know, we were gonna do a solo, but we're like Let's try to find something as soon as your name came up. We're like, hey, get her get her and we got you and you have a Shiseido tonight. No, no, I'm off tonight. Yeah So I want everyone in the room To give saratiana a round of applause, please Thank you. Thank you so much Thanks for having me. We went pretty long, huh? So

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