TigerBelly - Ep 314: Shane Gillis, of Rice & Men

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

Bobby hates SNL. Shane is a jolly friar. Khalyla advocates for popping and pulling. We talk Shane's new special, athletes foot vs head lice, the Batmobile Jeep, what it feels like to lose SNL, and Christian sex. Please support our sponsors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly add free on Amazon music download the app today Shane what do you not want to talk about? Oh, I don't care Asians No, no, no, I'm looking around I've had this nightmare No, I don't care. I'll talk about it. Yeah, don't say anything right now until I bring your name up I'll be angry about things he said then Yeah, I know what you've said

Oh, he's ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. Go ahead I Don't know if that song was written for Disney or Or it was a song that was pre-existing and then Disney Walt Disney was like I like that song But whatever whoever wrote that song is a magical songwriter What a magical song that is I think of fucking well, what's that light bulb that flies around? The light bulb shining star. No, the thing in the thing with a firefly. No, but what's this tinker tinker bell? Yeah, yeah, I don't know what it what is it. She's a firefly. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know

It's a fairy. It reminds me of the flyer the light bulb. I'm just a light bulb. Yeah, it reminds me of a life Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because back in those days. I don't know what year that was but I'm sure that was used for illumination Those little creatures fairies. Yeah. Yeah, like you know, you you they have on fire I don't know if they have bomb fires and like and like little torches and stuff But you know if you want a little bit more illumination, right? You have a campfire. You just get one of those little tinkers, right? Yeah, is that a is tinker bell the name or is that the What they're called tinker bell is the her name is her specific name. So what are they fairies? Species is fairy my bad She's not a

She's not what we have a guest. I have to bring the guest up I just want to say something about fireflies. They like illuminate to like attract the mate and then they kill the mate So I don't know why you would even throw that out there because I'm illuminating it. Oh, so you're gonna kill me Hey, baby, don't stay thought that freaks me out Anyway, let's don't Google that. Okay, you don't have to Google that. Um, it's a fairy She's a fairy and it's her and her name is tinker bell. Yeah, and she's not a light bulb Okay, that's a that I learn everything New every day now listen the reason why I sing that song is because I think it's a magical song and I have a magical guest

If you have something on your nose, can I take it out? What is it? Oh, it's not a booger. It's skin healing piece of skin Fuck Okay, was it a bugger or what was it make a wish? So Don't talk I said, oh, okay This is the way we all we go. All right, all right, we open slow. Yeah, it's a slow burn. Let's podcast. Okay, my best Yeah, this this move this podcast is like let it let there be blood. Oh, yeah, there will be oh is that what that's all It's there will be blood. I don't know anything right now, huh? No, I'm learning everything. It's not let there be blood

Is there will be blood? What's the difference? It's almost the same. It's thank you light light bulb fairy. Thank you Will you just introduce I will I will I will so So, um, I don't know when it was a year ago or two year whatever right, um There was some sort of uproar right some rumblings and um I'm like, what the fuck is the rumblings about, you know, I mean so you google things you aren't because I have the internet And then, you know, I saw a video

of the rumbling which is some kid got cast on snl, you know, which by the way You know how I feel about that show. Yeah, I fucking hate it I'll just say it now. I hate it The reason why is because I was on mad tv for so long And we were always compared to them and it's like in the industry if they got off that show, right?

The industry just we don't mean just sucked all their dicks and in our man and gave them everything And then we had to wait back in line. So I have this like weird, you know, I mean, but anyway He said something on a podcast and I was trying to figure out what was the wrong thing was I couldn't even figure it I had I had to call people. I had I had to call no, I called people like what was it though? No, and they're and they're like, I don't know. I'm like either It was the hanging ducks. Yeah. Was it the hanging? I don't even know but um

Anyway, um, he's but then I started googling and stand up. Do you think our gauge is off because we say some really horrible things? Yeah Like is no No, so we will no Nope No way. I'll tell you why Because I live in this country And I

Before I'm anything I'm an American It doesn't look feel like it or look like it But that's what I am. I was born in San Diego sharps hospital 1971 I bleed red white and blue That's the color. Yep Almost forgot. Right. I almost forgot. Anyway, let's give him a round of applause. He's a great stand up. Shane Gillis everybody Before we start I want to um, I have a couple of questions

I just have a couple Type them out too. I typed them up because I don't want to forget them So the first question is a two-part question Right and the second, um, two-part question. Yeah, and the second thing I want to ask you is a request if you don't mind Sure. Okay. Um, so just let me finish the questions before you answer the two, right? Why do we have a Chinatown? And why do they live in one place? Okay, I have a question. Why?

I would say If I had to put my finger You're funny Is I haven't thought about it since Oh, you haven't. That's been out of my mind. Yeah, and I think I was right the first I think you were. Yeah. Yeah I think I was correct. Yeah, you were the second thing is just a request Say the word noodle in an asian accent Neuter

That's all I want. That's all I wanted Amazing. Wow. So thanks for being on the pod bro. We've wanted you for a while and you're in town. So this is great How do you how do you like LA? I like it. It's great. You were telling me in the driveway that you liked it Yeah, it's nice. What you also said was it's better than new york I think it's nicer to live here than new york for sure Wow, you rarely without a doubt you rarely hear that new yorks rarely hear that from the new york the new york comics No, most comics most comics are like I love new york LA sucks. Well, a lot of them. They started in new york I like started in philly and then moved to new york

Like three years ago. So i'm still like new to new york kind of yeah, but philly is What an hour away from new york two hours. Yeah, but it's it's like uh, it's still You can park All right, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's not like new york's 10 like it's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy and I was just in philly um, maybe three weeks ago And I stayed one night there and I have to say this the town It I feel like the movie seven

Was based on that Yeah, there's a gray dreariness sometimes about that place. Do you see that or no, is that in philadelphia? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty ugly It's an ugly city. Yeah. Yeah, I like it. Yeah. No, it's a great town because I went to a steak house where I had a buzz It's like something rose or something where I had to buzz a door And the little thing like back in remember lord the we always do lord of the rings Uh-huh references, but remember in lord of the rings when the hobbits go to that first town and then they had to Open a little thing and then there's a bottom one for hobbits

So they did that little joke. Yeah, was there a bottom one for you? You think there's one a third door that's even smaller? If I was in lord of the rings, there's like not you went to no, there was just one babe. I'm not a dwarf Can you say that? Well, you have dwarf like proportions How tall are you? I'm five three pushing It's not great though. It's certainly it's not great. Yeah. How tall are you? I'm six three. Oh, yeah, that's pretty good

That's all right. What do you mean? I think look wise. We're not I think my height's not doing me that I'm fine. Yeah. Yeah, you think you and I Aren't the like the best specimens of our no ethnicity. I think maybe in six three makes no difference As far as yeah, yeah, like if like if I feel like if an alien race came down, right? Let me see all the you know your prime specimens of every ethnicity Right. Sure. They would put on they would probably put through Oh, here's Steven young and then here for you Tom Hardy, but you and I would be in the backs and we're a barn

Like you're you guys aren't cut. No, we're not gonna. Yeah. Yeah. Why why? Yeah, I don't think you and I take care of ourselves I don't think we're doing good. But what if the alien race is like no, we think that this is hot It could be because they they they're like super intelligent. So they're not like working out or moving Right So they might have soft bodies themselves or maybe in there where they come from like bulbousy things Sure, right is like hot Right that guy has a very big white head Right, please say noodle or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but um, you don't think you're hot

No, yeah No, you've never thought you were hot. No, that is one thing I do hate about la what that everybody's like cool here Oh, what and I thought people in New York were pretty corny. Oh, right cool. Yeah La people are very cool. Yeah, kind of fucking annoys me But you know what I think is cool your vibe. Thanks man. Yeah. Well, I was being sarcastic I don't understand why people don't get this Because it's what this look right here right is um, yeah, who's your z? It's like, you know that culture of you know, I mean like they when they go go close shopping they go to like

Sam's what's a good? Oh, at least at Sam's clubs a big five big five, right? Like for your fashion, you probably go big five get the big basketball big sports. Yeah. Do you have big coach energy? Yeah, yeah, thanks That's not a compliment Coach. Yeah. Yeah, I'll take coach, but you have but out of all the whites. Yes all of them No, no, no, but through the history of whites whites white isms. There was always a guy like you And I think that back in the day. I don't want to be offensive. But what kind of white? Well, he's not a baker You know, I know what he was. You know what he was one of those jolly

Monks with the brown robes A fryer a fryer. He's got fryer feet. He's got a fryer vibe. Thank you so much. You have a fryer vibe I'll take that. What am I? Like of all the Asians in the history of Asia What would I have been like 300 years ago? I don't know. I feel like you you guys have like two jobs. You're either In the fields In the fields or a samurai

More of a field You're saying that I would be out there with the hat. Yes, right something would come up in the village You'd be like, oh, fuck. We got to get out of here It's scary among the yeah Right. No. Well, can I just can I give myself something? Sure Maybe but um, what if I also right? What if I also was working on the fields? But I also like You know, I don't know how they work it but like um, like in the barn. I did they have barns back then in Asia

I would think so. Yeah, I would hide like Guns and machine guns for the army or the rebellion. Oh, we're doing like vietnamese. Maybe no. Yeah, maybe vietnamese Yeah, I think I would be like doing something On the side. I think you would do something like that to get your whole village napalm I think you'd think you were slick Oh, you'd have a weapons cache. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I think that you know, while we're talking about vietnam, right? This is what I was hoping it was exactly what Shane Gila wanted to talk about when he promotes his special

Yeah, let's chat vietnam Let's talk more atrocities. No, no, I think Bro, because I love vietnam war movies. I think that you and I right? Let's suppose like two sides are fighting each other, right? I'm obviously the via kong, right? And you're an american soldier you and I get lost Right, and then it becomes like that movie enemy mind where you and I are lost in a cave, right? And maybe that's a good movie where you and I Bond of course. Yeah. Yeah

You and I are hungry in the first hour, right, but I know the terrain. Sure. Come here. I you know How would you say? Oh, come here. I you know me. Are we all pretending that that's not funny? Are we still pretending that that's not funny? I know it's funny. I'm tired of being told Right and you're like, where are we going? You know, I mean, maybe you say a word they call me something that like I'm offended by and I kind of correct it and I call you something, right? So but you come you have to come up with some sort of nickname for me. What would you call me? Just I don't get in trouble, but Go the other direction then like, you know, I mean

Um Jackson, well, you can call me jackson. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That feels good Jackson Jackasson right and I go And then I'll call you Yeah, I'll just call you Chong because yeah. Yeah, go the other direction, right? I go chong, you go Jackson, right? And I know what all the rice is, right? And then we sneak out of the cake, right? And then we become maybe lovers in the cake. I don't know.

You know what I mean? If you were in a Hollywood movie, right? Shane, you know, I heard you on Tiger Belly. And we wrote the script, we greenlit this movie, but there's a three-hour fuck montage with Bobby Lee. You and I have sex for three straight hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we could trim it, we could trim it in editing.

In different corners of the patty, one in the barn. Yeah. In the patty. There we go. I'm all for it. Yeah. Like I'm upside down on a banana tree, right? And you're like mouth, you know what I mean?

You're on the ground. You could do the rickshaw. You could hold my legs. Right, right, right, right, right. You could do all types of stuff. All types of stuff. Would you do it? Yes.

Me too. Yes. I'm glad we got that out of the way. Yeah. Yeah, I mean. Because I was in the way. Yeah. Yeah, that was on everybody's minds.

Yeah. So when that shit happened to you back in the day, when was that? A couple years ago? Two years ago. And usually, how did it feel? It felt bad. I'll be honest, not great.

Was it devastating though? I think it was just more surreal than, like it took me a while to be like, damn, that was devastating, because it was. But like while it was happening, I was like, this is crazy. Cause I wasn't, I was doing, like, I was new. I was brand new in comedy.

Wow. You know? I moved to New York that year. Jesus. Oh my God. So you, also getting that show, you have to jump over a bunch of hoops. I didn't.

I literally did one audition. Oh shit. In front of Lauren? Yeah. Was Seth there? Myers would probably not know. Who else was in the room? Paul and Joe's probably not.

Yeah, I think the writers, Che, and then some of the other producers and stuff. And you got it. Yep. And then how long did you have it before they took it away? Not long. I mean, I auditioned like two weeks

before they told me I was going to be on the show. And then they told me I was going to be on the show. The next day they announced it that day is, I mean, five hours in is when I started getting like, oh, this isn't going to happen. You know, it was pretty quick. I mean, honestly dude, it's like, I don't want to be completely sincere with it.

Because I'm not emotional, but it hurts me. Yes. It hurts me. It's like, because even when I got mad back in the day, I know how exciting that is. Yeah, it was cool. Yeah, and I know how like magic,

like you just, everything's otherworldly almost, and you're like floating on air. And then I can't imagine somebody just, you know, you're floating on a cloud and some guy going, it's happening, right, and then you, and you fall to the ground. I'm like, I can't imagine that. I'm sorry that that happened.

No, I appreciate it. Yeah. Yeah, there was like a few days where I was like, New York's incredible. I was like, I was like, walking around the city. I was like, wow, my city. And then like five hours later, I was like, I hate this place.

Wow. Yeah. Did you move back after? No, I stayed in New York. You stayed? Yeah. And then how long did it take you to kind of like, start feeling normal again?

Uh, probably, like this year, it probably took a year. My God. Without noticing, you know? Right. I couldn't tell. You know how it is. Yeah.

Like when you're like depressed or whatever, you don't really know you're depressed. Yeah. Until you're not. And then like, oh shit, I was fucking whacked out. So true. Yeah. So true.

So fucking true. Because you're just sort of like surviving day today and you're sort of in a slump. But it's not until you feel like the drastic opposite of that that you're like, oh my God, I was a zombie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My God, I can't imagine it. It makes you nicer though.

It does. When you get fucking canceled like that, Yeah, yeah. You're like very nice to everybody. Everybody, I was like, hey, it's really, I'm so excited to meet you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

If I would have got SNL, I would have been like, shut the fuck up. I know. Don't fucking talk to me. Wait, George, do you remember how we reacted to it at that time? Did we pile on or did we offer grace? Because I want to be genuine about it.

I don't want to be like, Shane, we're fine with it. But maybe we did say some shit about it. I don't remember what it was. I know that he looked up something that I said on H3. Yeah. And what did I say? You basically were just saying what you had just said now about it's a comic.

You didn't know what you found offensive about it. You could understand why people would be upset. But you were saying it's a podcast. You perform on podcasts. Yeah, I just defined it to be sacred, you know? Comedy to be sacred. I just feel like once we start on canceling jokes and bits, it's the end of our civilization as we know it.

And I just, you know, and also what he said was, I mean, Tony Hingecliffe literally said, you know what I mean, one more time for the chink. In a mic, throughout a room. Yeah, I saw that. I was like, oh shit, dude. Is that when your depression lifted? Shane was like, woo, I'm good.

I knew that was just going to bring more pressure to me. But it was like, yeah, when his thing happened again, everyone was like, Shane, Gillis, and Tony Hingecliffe. Oh, I got you. Right, right, right. Yeah, but I, yeah. Tony did level up though, huh? Tony got a little wild.

That was real wild. He was having fun. Yeah, but again, that's another thing. I've said this before. It's like, you know, I've said things like at the store, at the gay comic brought me up. The kind of things that have come out of my mouth. Like, one more time for the whatever, whatever.

I'll do it in the room, but not here. And they give it right back to you. And they give it right back. It's like, you know, if I say something derogatory toward, you know what I mean, a black guy or whatever, then he'll yell back and say something even worse about me. But it's all in love and fun. And the audience is laughing.

And yeah, I mean, I just, maybe it's because I'm almost 50 now, almost 50 now, you know what I mean? And I've seen it all. I know what's important, what I feel like, and what's not important. Yeah, it's not, yeah. So anyway. Did you lose any Asian friends?

No, I don't have any Asian friends. Never had any. No, no. Everybody, no one cared. Yeah, the comic. Literally no one cared. In real life, no one cared. It's so strange.

Yeah. I'm sure, don't get me wrong. I'm sure there were a lot of people that did, that did bother them, of course. And again, I also understood why they fired me. It's not like when I found out, I was like, what? How dare they? I was like, yeah, yeah, makes sense.

Makes sense. Here's a video of me using a slur. It makes sense. Yeah. But in many ways, though, and you don't have to answer this if you want to, but it kind of did something different for your career. Definitely.

In the sense that I feel like when people say your name, it's like a legit comedy entity, you know what I mean? Not just, you know, somebody that's going to be here one day, gone the next day, but somebody that's like legit like, like when I think of your name, I think of Andrew Schultz, Chris DiStefano, guys that are probably, I don't know if they're

friends with those guys. Mark Normand, you know what I mean? Those types of guys, you know what I mean? And that's the vibe that you've done for yourself. I don't know, you know, and if you didn't have the talent and you were just, that's one thing, but you legitimately have the talent, I'm being real. I know.

Yeah. You know how I feel about compliments. You hate it. Because I've been seeing him all week, and I give him compliments. He has been watching you. He gives me compliments every time. When I see him, I give him company, he hates it. But I'm just, I'm not.

It's very sweet. The first thing he said to me came up with was like very nice. I don't care if you died, I wouldn't care. Of course, no. No, he's being honest, I understand. I'm being legitimately honest with you. It's like, I would be sad if you died, of course. But I don't know what you're like as a person,

but I'm just saying in terms of how I perceive who you are, how I know how other comics perceive you, and how we talk about you. And it's in a good lens. It's like you're legitimate. And I don't think that if two, three years ago, if you got on SNL, that you would get the same kind of street credibility even.

It's almost as if you went through something. What are you looking at me like? Am I seeing the wrong thing? No, wait, what? Because he does this thing where he has his pen in his hand, and he's going to write down something like, wow, we're going to have to. And at that part, you know what I mean?

I think it's not been further from the paper. Don't fucking do that. He's all you've seen in his paper is race trader. George is married to an Asian now, so he's young. Oh, nice. Yeah. Anyway, that's enough compliments from me. But it's like, I honestly think that you're

going to have a really good career. Does it feel like it? Yeah, I hope so. I hope. Guy hates compliments. Yeah, what do you want? Yeah, yes. Also, I met your girlfriend, right?

And I'm like, oh, yeah. He's like, I'm like me. You're batting way beyond. Yeah, well. So you think? You have to be funny. I know. It's a good indicator.

Yeah. I'm not saying that you're ugly. I'm just saying, do you? Yes, I've been in this city for a week. I am ugly. It's confirmed. Dude, I walk outside. It's like, Jesus Christ.

Isn't, you know what? I feel like a 10 everywhere else. Soon as I land in LA, I'm like, just. I'm off a fucking bridge. It's because everybody here dresses like a fucking teenager. It's very weird. Everybody's trying to be fucking 20. Yeah.

When you look at my dress, do you think it's a kid? This is good. No, this is your homeless guy. Yeah, and that's what I'm going for. Yeah. Yeah. Although I dress like a fifth grader. No, you dress like the assistant coach

of some sort of weird sporting event. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like a slide. That's football, right? Yeah. Yeah. You know how I know that?

You told me. Yeah. Oh, I was going to ask if you knew. Yeah, yeah. What is that sporting event? This is Notre Dame. Notre Dame football. What do you know about Notre Dame?

I know that. Let me see what the mascot is. Yeah, what do you think? The Notre Dame mascot. Is it kind of like a bearded little man? I mean, yeah. No, I'm being real. Yeah.

Is it a bearded little man? It absolutely is. I think it's a bearded little man. What is he? Yeah. I don't know what he is. I know he's wearing some sort of hat. Is he wearing some sort of like a squat?

I don't know what it is. Yeah, you're exactly right. Yeah. No, you guys are fucking with me. I'm not. You actually are being right. I can't believe how much you know without knowing what it is.

I don't know what it is. You described it perfectly. Well, I have eyes. Number one, I have eyes. And I'm a thinking kind of entity. All right. What do you think Notre Dame's nickname is? What do you think they are?

Can you give me three options? And then I'll let me guess the right one. Yeah, you can. There's no. Yeah, you can. Shamrocks? Uh-huh. That's one.

Yep, that's an option. The jackalsons. The jackalsons? No. The jackalsons? The jackalsons. What's a jackalstone? The jackalsons.

The Irishman or the Fighting Irish? The Fighting Irish. Yeah. Yeah. Did you go to Notre Dame? No. I did that. I mean, what I see do is like you as like,

why would you wear that then? My grandpa and uncle and my cousin went. And my grandpa and cousin played. Like I see. Yeah. Your grandpa and your cousin? Played for Notre Dame. Played for the Notre Dame, the football program.

Yes. Were they good? I don't know. I think my uncle started, or my grandpa started. Your grandpa started. Then he cracked his skull. Yeah, all right. This is a funny story.

So every story I've ever heard about my grandpa was like he was fighting people. He was always attacking people. Yeah, yeah. I never heard a story about him other than him fighting people. And then he had a heart, his heart, he had a heart attack, obviously. He was like six, five, 250 pounds.

Huge guy. And he had a heart attack. And when he came out of surgery, he tried to attack the nurses and doctors. And his heart exploded again on the table. So that's how he died. Wait, wait, wait. But every story I heard about was him attacking people.

And I never put together that he clearly had CTE. Until I found a newspaper article that was from him playing football in, like, 1928, that he was held out of a game because of a head injury. And if you were held out for a head injury in the 20s, you were fucked up. Yeah. Yeah.

So he played offensive line for Notre Dame in the 20s. And what's crazy about that is, obviously, they didn't know what CTE is with that. They just figured that out. They just figured that out, right? And it's like, that's a huge thing. Can you say how one of my buddies never met him? Was he really your buddy?

No, but I went to his restaurant. Buddies. He has a restaurant in San Diego called Junior Say Out. He's a fucking legend. Legend, dude. But didn't he, like, how did he go out? He could shot himself in the chest. But not the head because he wanted to give it to him

for studies, right? Yeah. Oh, god. How? It was thoughtful. How do you just? It was thoughtful. It was pretty fun.

How do you turn a gun like this? And you press with your thumbs? I think you can. Oh, like this? Yeah. Oh, I see. Like that. Oh, my god, how difficult is that?

Elliot Smith, you know who that is? No. He's a singer-songwriter. Oh, OK. Yeah, I do know. And he took a knife. This is how I, and he stabbed himself in the heart. Is that true, though?

Because that's what we all were told, right? Yeah, I told, I've heard that. But maybe we were like, oh, he was, like, tripping on acid. And he stabbed himself in the chest five times. But, like, that's the late 90s. Like, you know, we didn't have Google to reference. Yeah. I don't know how he died.

But he's dead for sure. I know he's dead. Yeah. It wasn't like a skateboarding accident. Stabbing yourself in the heart's not. But that's your guy's thing, you guys. What do you mean? What do you mean?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that's Japanese. No, no, that's Japanese. I'm just being a jerk. I know. I'm just being a jerk here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great.

Do Koreans have any type of, like, self-sacrifice? I like it. He's not afraid. Yeah. Koreans? What? Do Koreans have a form of, like, self-sacrifice? Like, a...

No, that's not in our thing. You know, I know that the yaku... Well, Samurai used to do it, right? Yeah. And then the yakuus are really good at chopping fingers and stuff. Yeah, they're all in it, though? Yeah, I think they do. I don't know if they do it themselves,

but it's either some sort of initiation or something. But it's like, yeah, they'll put their finger on the edge. I can't even... I have carpal tunnel, so I can't even do it. But, like, if I did that and then they would... Why do you have nail polish on? Just bad nail. What's the... why?

What's the matter? I was just curious. I don't know. I just... I don't like that. You have a bad nail? Yeah, I have a bad nail. And I don't like the nail. That's funny.

Yeah, yeah. What do you mean? You know why it's bad? I think I have a bad nail. What do you mean? Why do I have to explain it? It's funny. Shane, I want your thoughts on this.

Sure. That's cool. I don't like it. I know. That is my answer. He's had a ton of athlete's foot on his left foot for years, right? You should pee on it in the shower.

No, he doesn't want to heal it, because he finds it to be, like, a very... he... it's a hobby for him. So he likes to scratch it. And then that... I had athlete's foot for, like, a year, and it does feel really good, especially at night. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so good.

You know what I'm talking about. I know exactly how good it is. And I understand, because I loved having lice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I love having lice. Wait, what? I loved having lice. I loved, like, popping the little things in my fingers.

It was a fun thing as a kid, OK? Would gladly. Somebody please give me lice. So, but he ended up for real. That's fucking crazy. Like, that's one of the craziest things. I've never heard anybody say it. Imagine you're laying next to your wife, and you hear, pop.

Well, no, because they have to... They use this fine tooth at home. Oh, my God, here we go. You guys, it's so great. It's underrated. I promise. Oh, my God. Popping those.

Get on board. You have to use the fine tooth at home. This is a cope. This is text, like, guys, this is actually cool as hell. No, it's the worst thing ever. The worst thing ever. Look at that. Oh, my God.

Try it out. Oh, my God. I highly recommend. Oh, my God. Yeah. And when someone is just, like, doing this to your hair, and it's just great, look. My head.

Nustals are itchy. My head is itchy right now, for some reason. It's underrated. I think you guys are missing out. Here's what I wanted to tell you. That he would scratch his athlete's foot so much that it got under that particular female that you see. And then, and then.

To fumble. One more, one more transference. He then touched me, and then I got Jock-itch. Surprise. What do you want? Bobby. Is that? Is that?

I don't know. Now, is that better or worse than Lice? That's better. Thank you. Lice is funny and crazy. Lice is crazy. Lice is great. Now, that's fucking retching.

And the reason why it's crazy is because you don't hear it a lot anymore. It's like somebody dying from smallpox. You don't hear it, right? It's like an older thing, right? So it's like, you know, we don't even know what Lice is like on our heads, because we have water and shampoo, right?

When did you get Lice? Which is in the Philippines. No, when I was younger. In the Philippines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. So there wasn't as much of a stigma. I welcome you back into my life, Lice.

Everybody in the Philippines was like, that's fine. It became something we did as a family. It's a sort of like, calling each other's hair. I'm really not doing service in the Philippines. No, no, we may not know what it's like. Maybe it is cool. No, I mean, think about it, dude. Can't be.

Yeah, you know, but I'm saying. I had bed bugs. You had bed bugs? I had bed bugs. Where? Like, two years ago in New York. Oh, my god. It's the worst.

You had to burn everything. I think about it every night. You had to burn everything? Yeah, I got rid of everything I own. Did they fuck you up? Yeah, not really, but like, mentally. Oh, wow. It like, fucks you up.

No, I'm not saying it was like, I was, but like, I still look for bed bugs now. Like, it fucks you up. Well, how do you know you have them? If they're not biting on you. My one roommate, yeah, you can get like little bites on your arm or a bag or something. Yeah, on the bed, actually.

And then you look for them and you'll fucking see them on your bed. What freaks me out is scabies. And it's the worst. Yeah, but what do they do? Did they eat your blood? I mean, how do they survive? Yeah, they just suck your blood a little.

And that's their whole deal. Yeah. Is their whole deal is. That's all they do. You could live with them. I mean, theoretically, you could. Yeah, I think so. But they get on everything.

So like, you can't. No, I've heard when you have bed bugs, you have to burn your clothes. Yes. Every single thing that you have. That's a nightmare. Yeah. And then the guy brings in a dog that smells for them.

Oh, sorry. They bring in like a beagle. Oh. Yeah, my roommate said he was like, yeah, we're going to have to get a beagle in here. I was like, you're the dumbest guy I've ever been. You think of fucking dogs coming in to find our bed bugs? Yeah, yeah.

And sure enough, a guy came over the beagle. My sister's jails, where she used to work at, they had, like, I think the worst bed bug case in the whole city. And they had to fumigate, is that the right word? Yeah. But it took days for them to do that. They had to shut the jails down.

Yeah, but it's like, what I'm saying is if we got bed bugs in our house, we'd have to burn like my vintage t-shirts, everything? Like furniture, fucking everything, dude. But why can't I just look at the shirt and go, there's no bed bugs on this? Eggs. Yeah.

The eggs, bro. It's all disgusting. Right, and so I can't wash out the eggs? You probably could, yeah. What are you guys' thoughts on worms? You've had worms. I'm not a fan of worms. I have never had worms.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, god. Well, but it's crabs. You've had worms? Of course I've had worms. We what? Where at what? I bet she loved it, too.

And you know how good it feels to pull a worm out your butt? You guys are making out. You are lying, dude. I swear to god. He grew up in the Philippines, bro. Yeah, understand our culture. Understand their culture, dude. Yeah.

All right. I'll give you that. You know what? You're being. If I were back home, I would have had a different response. But yes, I respect your worm. Yeah. Thank you.

It felt so good. My cat had worms, and I was not excited. What kind? The little one that little? Like a little white one. Yeah, a little rice pellet? Yeah, I didn't like that. How many cats do you have?

I had one cat. Cat? No, my parents gave it to my cousin because I left it when I moved to the city. Don't you love cats, though? I do love cats. We have three ourselves. Yeah, cats rule.

And then how do you know there's a little mac and a little rice? You see its asshole. You see it hanging everywhere. They leave them everywhere. Oh, really? They leave a little trail of little rice kernels, like rice morsels. All of our cats have had them.

It's very common. Oh, they have? Yeah. Yeah, I don't look at my cat's assholes just because I like the face part. I mean, why would you look at a fucking cat's asshole? Any port in the storm. Yeah, all right.

And then dogs, can dogs get them? Yes, dogs get tons of worms. But have you heard of this models, supermodels, going to Mexico or something and getting a tapeworm? And then it eats away? What does it eat away at the food? Well, it basically forces malnutrition. But the thing with tapeworm is that, again,

we were told that in the late 90s. You're like, yeah, you can just cross over to Mexico and go on a tapeworm. That's what I heard. Just throw up. Yeah, just please throw up. Because tapeworms can be like 80 feet long, and they just wrap around.

And they don't allow you to properly absorb your nutrients. But you get this this tended belly where you look like you're very skinny everywhere, but your shit is like pregnant. Because I swear I had an Abercrombie ex-co-worker that had tapeworm, because I would look at her body and I'd be like, I think you crossed the border and got yourself a tapeworm.

So you pulled worms out of your ass? Oh, yeah. Oh, my god. It was delightful. I wouldn't imagine it feels good. It feels so good. Yeah, I would imagine it felt good. And also, it's like, you know, it's like this.

I mean, imagine. She's pop, pop pulling out of her ass. It's like, what a disgusting animal you are. Don't talk about my culture. No, I'm not talking about your culture. I'm just saying you specifically. It's like, you have fucking worms coming out of your asshole. You have to.

You're popping the fucking. You have to imagine the climate there, right? It's humid. It's tropical. I'm barefoot most of the day. Like I'm living like a fucking baby Tarzan. What's dengue? Denge.

What's dengue? Denge. Denge favorite. What is that? Denge is from a mosquito. Yeah. And it. You pee a lot, right?

Is that that one? No. Wait, wait, wait. That's malaria when you have Pepsi colored urine. Sure. Because it shuts down your kidney. Wait, wait. Pepsi cola colored?

Yeah, because it's blood. Does it smell like Pepsi and stuff? You can try. OK. So dengue favorite. Denge. You're like the least Asian person I know. He doesn't even know how to cook rice.

Have you heard of it? Is it dengue to you or dengue? I think it's dengue. Thank you. Yeah. Denge, I'm sorry. You know, dude, I thought you were going to back me up there, man.

Look, guys. What the fuck are we doing here? Talking worms. But let me ask you something. Back, I just want to talk about, because I forgot to ask you, the guy that you did it with, that you got canceled when you got canceled. Are you still doing a podcast with him?

Yeah. Right. Yeah, Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Yeah, did he get in trouble? He was not doing comedy at the time. But yes, he did get in trouble. He was at a school. He was studying.

He was at a university. What did they do? They thought about kicking him out of the school. He had to meet with the dean. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, universities are pretty liberal. I don't know if you've. Yeah, yeah.

You know what? I just don't understand the climate. I just hope that it changes, man, because it's like, that whole thing is just so fucking upsetting. You're hoping for climate change. No, I'm thinking about the climate. Is that climate? That's not what I'm.

You know what I mean? We could use a little. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, but the cold, I mean. Sure. No, I'm just trying to explain. Well, I'm trying to help you.

I'm trying to help you into what you're saying. No, no, no, I don't think I don't think it's happening. All right, give it to you. Right. Let me give it. Can I get it? Give it a go. I think that God, help me.

I need you to help me. I had nothing to say. You gotta help me. I really need you to help me. I think you want the culture to change. No, I think the culture. I think culture should change, right? But I just think that, like, it just went the other way

so extremely, right? That's all I wanted to say. Have you done a late night talk show as a standup yet? No. Right. I remember back in the day is once I did the Tonight Show, it kind of like validates you in a weird way, like psychologically, even to myself,

it's like I could show up and go, I did that. You know what I mean? Do you think the TV has that kind of? Those days are gone. Yeah, those days are gone. Who the fuck is watching that? Now doing this or doing Rogan or doing a major podcast is that type of.

Also, his special is about to hit. It's going to hit a million. Oh, my God. It's on YouTube. Yeah, it's just YouTube. It's free. Yeah. And by doing it that way, because who else did that YouTube?

Norman List. Norman List. He also did it. Samuro. Yeah. Oh, the New Yorker. Let me ask you, why do it like that? Because, number one, I didn't really have a choice.

Let's put that out. OK, good. That's the first thing. Yeah, number one, Netflix and HBO. But we're not going to put me out right now. I knew in order for me to get to, if I wanted to get back into maybe doing a Netflix special or an HBO special, I was going to have to put out something

by myself to be like, look, I can do this. You know what I mean? And to put it out for free, for me, it's more important for me to get as many eyes on it as possible. Just ticket sales and kind of for everybody to see me do stand up and be like, all right, maybe he's good at this versus people just reading an article

or a headline and being like, racist, fuck, fuck him. All right. Right wing edgelord, something like that. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I saw some clips of your stand up, and I told you, I go, when I saw the bit, I was just like, especially the Fox News bit about your dad. I literally, legitimately from beginning to end, right?

It's just a real, it's a funny bit, great angle. And it's like somebody that, it's like watching what Bill Burr would have done or whatever, right? It's like that level of bit. And I was just like, wow, this guy's really good. And it's like, now when you're on the road because of your YouTube thing, were you selling out before?

I was just starting to sell well. Yeah. But sometimes, no. Like some markets. Like what markets? I think I'm in, actually, I'm in Lafayette, Louisiana this weekend. Oh, you are?

I think ticket sales are a little low. When is this era? This week? All right, so Lafayette, Louisiana. Sure. Lafayette, Louisiana. Please. Whoa, dude.

Fucking burp. That's the promo you get. This is a great promo. I got it. No, I have massive acid reflux. Lately you have. I have it, I get chunks of like things that I ate like yesterday come up.

Oh. Like just now I got cilantro. What did you eat? I had a burrito yesterday. Did you guys fucking disgust? Tapeworm, lice, acid reflux. So gross, dude. And they fuzz.

I'm sorry, you're not. You're very fuzz. Look, you obviously, I don't think you liked it. I was kidding. I don't pop lights on my head. Go ahead. I'm probably, you're right, a lot more disgusting than him.

Like he does not like, he is Christian sex. Like I, I go for it. Yeah. Do you have Christian sex? Yeah, obviously. Look at, kind of like a YouTube special. I really don't have other options. I know.

But do you like experiment in, I mean, I don't want to get too. He doesn't. You know what he said to me yesterday? I was like, hey, did you like it when we had anal? And he didn't even remember it. Do you know how heartbroken I was that I put myself out there in that way?

Like anal? It's fine. It's neutral. It's fine, right? It's fine. But you, that's not your go-to. It's like, no, like if there was a menu, right? And you got to choose one thing as your entree.

Sure. Anal sex wouldn't be. But you didn't even remember it. It didn't even clock in your, like it didn't, it wasn't stored in your memory bag. My appetizer would be making out, right? Yeah. Yeah, nice make out.

Right? That's nice, right? Nice make out's great. My entree would be what? Missionary. Missionary stuff. Yeah, about two minutes. Two minutes, yeah, yeah.

And our dessert would be in the eyes. That's pretty good. Mass, you know, just, you know what I mean? Coming on the face. Sweetie, you don't even have that in you. Well, it's tough to get up there. Cause you're down, you know. Yeah, I know.

You're a missionary. Thank you. And you're staying in it as long as you can. Thank you, thank you. You don't have time to crawl up there. Crawl up there, right? So I, you know, I hit this minute. Yeah, the bellies.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then for a dessert, you say, did you come? And then she goes, and she goes, no, and you go that. You gotta work on that. You should come next time. I mean, do you, will you like experiment and go, let's 69 it or?

Yeah, every once in a while tossing the goods. Is there anything where I'm laying? Yeah, yeah. It's pretty easy. Yeah. Cause I'm more of a bottomy guy. Are you bottomy or? Well, no, I don't think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a toppy? I'll get up there. Yeah, you'll get up there and ride a little. No, he doesn't at all. Well, I'm also have little legs. Oh, what does that even mean? I just have little legs.

So I can't do certain things that he can do. No, that's what are you talking about? Because, okay, so. Like, come behind, you can't take a knee. Right. No, he needs a little bit of height so that he can even. Yeah, so I need to put like pillows, which is embarrassing.

I think you and me are in the two ends of the spectrum. Yes. Cause I need to somehow lower. You're too high. Ah, right, right, right. It might be even be harder for you. Yeah, definitely. Because.

No, all he can. Well, what you can do. It's just give her height. Don't point it. Yeah, yeah. All he can do. You could have the girl right on the edge of the bed. Right.

Yeah, that's nice. You could be standing. Yes. But not if it's an Asian style bed because we like the low beds. That's true. So then what would you do? Maybe could you do be on your knees on the floor?

Oh, it's where me being big hurts. I got bad knees. Oh, you do? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. But what am I lacking that's not experimental? He just is so such a good boy. You're just a good boy is what I'll have to say about that.

Yeah, but isn't that kind of nice? It is. It's very sweet and it's very harmless. We've been together a long time, though. Long time, yeah. Well, I'll be honest with you. So you guys would say you guys have loved each other long time?

It's fearless, it's fearless. I just love, I love, you know what I love about you, the fearlessness, right? Shut the fuck up. Shut up. Oh, the compliment. The compliment. Shut up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what, you gotta learn to accept more compliments because you remind me of me and I don't like it when you do it. Okay. And when I look at you, right, when people come up with me, I'm the same way. And it's like I deflect or I'll walk away

or I'll go, what the fuck you're talking about? Is it, will you beat as a kid? No, not like particularly. I know. Was it traumatic growing up? No, I had a nice, things were good. What's your comic dark story? Or do you have one?

I don't really have one. No, just a nice Christian. Nice Christian. Good Catholic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, nothing traumatic or tragic happened here. I think the key word is Catholic. There's always got to be something, something there.

Because I grew up Catholic. Let me tell you, that shit is not an easy ride. The guilt, the shame, all of that shit. You never got diddled in the Catholic? You never got diddled? Never got diddled. Oh, you're not a real Catholic. Are you Catholic?

I am Catholic. But I have not been diddled. Shit, I got diddled as fuck. That's too big. Did you get straight A's? I did not. But I did well. I didn't graduate school, yeah.

Were you the funny one in high school or no? I was pretty funny, but I think I was more of a, I thought it was funny and I think people thought I was a bully. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But see, that's the thing, I was only mean to my friends. I wasn't a bully to the kids who were like, that it would be bullying.

You know, like a kid without friends, I'm not going to pick on him. Like a guy who thought he was cool or tried to be cool. Yeah, I would probably. Yeah. And I also think that you have the size, like I think that if you and I were the same way in high school, they would think that you were more of a bully

because of your size and to me, it's like, oh, he's just aggressive, right? I think size is a lot to do with it. I think so too. Because I'm pretty bully. Yeah, he's a bully. Sure. I saw you pull up to the store.

And what did I do? Like just throwing your keys at a bar guy. You threw your keys at a bar guy. He was talking through it at him. And then walked right up to me. He was like, yeah, good special. He started fucking with people. I was like, oh my god.

Yeah, I do that. I think I'm a bully. I liked it. And you pulled up in your car. Everybody else was pulling up in cool, nice cars. Right. And what was mine? Yours was with the Prius.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wasn't sure. Yeah, banged up Prius. I was like, that's good. Three doors. I liked that. Yeah, yeah. I did like that.

All the other comics are like, look at my cool sports car. I know. Here comes a Prius. You're like, fucking park it. I was like, damn, this guy's nuts. Yeah, like we were there when Jeff Ross pulled up. Jeff Ross pulled up in a Batmobile. Literally?

Yeah, he had some sort of a machine that looked like a Batmobile. There was like, it was black, low to the ground. It was like, I'm over a Jeep. Like a combination between a Jeep, like a Wrangler Jeep that you would do in the desert, and a Batmobile. I'm not kidding you.

Well, those two are nothing alike. I know, okay, let me just picture a Batmobile, right? But not the new one from the 1960s show. Yeah. Okay. And then, but imagine like, you know, now kind of make it look like a Jeep. It's so hard to do in my brain.

I'm not even, I'm not picturing a single thing. Yeah. But anyway, pulled up in something I would never see. I've never seen anything like it before in my life. And then I see guys like, like, I don't want to name names, but like guys like Steve Byrne,

they come in Mercedes or Andrew Santino with his fucking, you know, BMW, you know, nice. And I like just. I like it too. A Prius. I like what you're doing. Banged up. Yeah.

Dirty inside. Yeah, well, can you imagine bombing and then getting back in a fucking Lambert movie? You imagine not having 10, like bombing for 10 minutes and being like, oh, fuck. And I like dressing like a homeless person. Yeah. And like throwing keys at white people.

Yeah. Yeah, you know what I mean? So you should understand the Jim Schwartz. I do. Sox. It's the same vibe, dude. It's the same. You know what I'm just saying.

Everybody's wearing like ripped jeans and being cool by being a, you're a comedian. What's that old, is it a book about the two guys, Lenny and. Mysemen. Mysemen. That's you guys. That's us.

Rice and men. There he is. All right, my man. No. I'll stop. No, keep it going. You need five more, so sorry. Rice and men.

That's the title of this episode. That's your fault. Rice and men. But you're the Lenny. I think I'm a big, I do put off Lenny vibes. Right, Lenny vibes. Certainly. Or Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdorm.

What's that called? Thunderdorm. Thunderdorm. What is it called? Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdorm. No, what's it called? Thunderdome. Oh, it's a Thunderdome.

I see what you're doing. I know where you're going. Master Blaster. There we go. Yeah. But when I said Thunderdorm, it threw you off? It took me a second, because I was surprised that anybody could even say that.

I mean, how could you ever do that wrong? I know. That threw me off quite a bit. Because there's certain things I just don't know what they're called. Like, even if, you know me, I have problems with, like, I commit to a word, even though I don't know how to pronounce it.

Yeah. Whereas most people would be like, I want to choose a different word, because I could pronounce it right. I'll just go for it, right? So Thunderdome, that dorm, Thunderdorm. But Thunderdorm seems more... Sounds like a porn.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Shane Gillis and Bobby Lee and Thunderdorm. Two students, fuck. Two adult men breaking into a dorm and have sex with each other. I think you and I would, is the perfect odd couple. It would be a good odd couple.

Do you think so? Yeah, obviously. Yeah. In fact, I'm trying to think of something that you and I could do, right? That like, fruck the Vietnam movie, right? Yeah, fruck it. Fruck the D.

Vietnam would be... Yeah, but I'm not Vietnamese, you know? Yeah, and I'm not exactly built like a troop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe if like a chef got lost. Yes. You're a chef priority. Oh, you're from the salt mines of Korea, huh?

A chef priority. Maybe one of the fat cooks gets lost. Yeah. And then you're from the salt mines of Korea. So what you're saying to me is the salt mines are filled with mentally disabled, Korean people? Yeah, isn't that where they go off to, a lot of them, they put them to work in the salt mines.

In North Korea. And then you're a chef, right? But you're looking for a certain type of salt, not just, you know, table salt, you're looking for it. What about this? I get kidnapped by Charlie, all right? They think I have Down syndrome.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They send me to the salt mine. We link up and escape the salt mine. Yeah, that's really good. And then they go to kill, you hide me in your village. And my guys come to rescue me and are like, let's go, we're gonna blow up this fucking village.

It's got, it's like an avatar situation. No, these people are good people. And I try to save them, but in the end they kill you guys with fire. But, and I go like this at the end, I'm like, I'm gonna go home. You do look like you have Down syndrome. I do.

You do have it? I have it. I do. Yeah, but just a little bit. Is that rude? He said it. It's not rude at all, it's fine. I say it to you all the time.

Yeah, but I have a little. I actually get called Asian a lot. Really? Yeah, especially in pictures where I'm like smiling, I got a, and I have shitty facial hair. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no offense to. Yeah, I have a.

You do have the Asian width. Yeah, my face. Portions, very Asian. Yeah, you do have it. Small nose, all that. Yeah. Surface area. But you do, you are a handsome guy though, a little bit.

All right. See, there we go. Bro, you totally switch. As soon as the compliment happens. He doesn't like it. Like Down syndrome he was fine with. Oh yeah, I do have it. I look like I have it, right?

No, but look at me, right? You're talented, right? A very good looking. A very good looking. No, look at me, right? Very talented. Listen, your girlfriend is very pretty. Thank you.

Right? What? No, I can't give her a compliment either. You can do anything you want, you're sure? Yes, no, it's our show. This is not my podcast. This is our podcast. Oh, come on, come on.

Okay. Carry on. So what I'm saying is that I want you to look in the mirror, Shane, okay, now I'm being real, all right? And I think this is gonna be helpful. I want you to look in the mirror and just look in there and go, and say this to yourself. I'm worth it?

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Enjoy the rest of the show. The All Form Love Seat Did you ever get COVID? Yeah. How was it? Nothing. Oh dang. To hoax.

Yeah. To fucking hoax. No, I got it, yeah. Did you get really sick? No, I just lost my smell and taste for like five days. Wow. Yeah. Did you guys get fucked up by it or something?

No. We never got it. Oh, nice. Yeah. That's good. Because we're mindful. We care about other people. Sure.

But we didn't get it. I believe you. Why did you get it? Because my niece, I went home for Christmas. Oh, that was when everyone had it, yeah. Yeah. And I had been doing the road for months before that. You never got it?

Never got it. I was on planes. I was in full rooms, all that. And then came home for Christmas and my fucking niece had it. Oh my god. You have to study people like you who are just so like resistant to the COVID. Yeah, I know.

Because I was, yeah. I was like, I was like, I was like, no, because I was, yeah, of course, when I got it, I was like, ooh, I'm fucked. Yeah, but in planes, I feel like I'm not going to get it because everyone's, they're pretty staunch. They're pretty, you got to wear the mask the whole time. Yeah.

And I don't feel in danger on a plane. I don't. Do you? No. Not really. Especially when there's the specter of plummeting to your death at any point. That's kind of weighing on my mind more than like,

I hope I don't get a cold. But at a club, like the comedy store. I used to specter correctly there, right? Yeah, it was really good. Thanks. The comedy club, because there's so many comics on the mic, that's the scary part. Right, like in New York, I'm sure there's 1,000 guys

on one mic. I don't see anyone spraying it down. We were using the phone thing. The phone thing? The seller was doing different mics. Everybody had their own mic. Yeah, although Martin Lawrence the other night. So I brought up Martin Lawrence.

And I got Martin Lawrence, and then like, three dudes walked on stage I've never seen before. And they just like, they weren't wearing hazmat suits. But they should have been, because they were just washing everything down. You're right? And people were like, what the fuck? And he goes up there.

But it's like, I think they should do that between every comic. It's your problem. Who's problem? You. No, well, what? So at the end of our part. So I was like, let's say to the store.

What's your fucking problem? I'm going to just sit here and let's say to the store. I felt like you were drifting off. No. Because you do that, you go and you just kind of go into the clouds. No, I'm here for this. No, but you weren't even looking at me, though.

What were you looking at over here? Because I was looking at her, looking at you. Me? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So Shane, at the end of our podcast, we do a thing called Unhelpful Advice. Yeah.

So we get an email. Right? Do people know that he's on the podcast? Or he's just random emails? There's some random. But there are people that emailed, because I put a little thing out on Twitter. Oh, so many people on comments are like,

when are you going to get him on? When are you going to get him on? Right? Yeah. That's another reason why I think you're hot shit. And I think you're great. This is funny. I'm fucked up.

Honestly, you're great. Thanks. Every time you compliment, your legs get tighter. I think you're great. I want to be your friend. And I really like you. All right. And I, please.

OK? Yeah, let's hang out. No, no, no. Listen, calm down for a second. You know what I mean? You're wonderful. Go ahead. On hopeful advice with Bobby Kalala and Shane Gillis.

The first question is not a question. It was actually a common request on our Twitter and our social media. People are saying you have an amazing, surprisingly Donald Trump impression. And they wanted to see if you could teach Bobby how to do the Donald Trump impression. He's tried it a couple of times.

Can I hear yours? I don't have one. Yeah, you can try it. No, you won't first all that mimic you. You try. No, you go first. Well, just give me a sentence that he would say, and then maybe I'll try.

Let's go. The greatest country in the world is America. The greatest country in the world is America. Yeah, that was terrible. It was terrible. That was terrible. It was like Marlon Brandt. The America is the Great.

Well, I mean, see one, do the same line, and maybe I can mimic it. So you got to do the easiest way to do Trump is like to speech Trump when he's doing a rally. OK, OK. Because it's just in the back of your throat. The greatest country. The greatest country.

OK. A little bit. The greatest country. Don't do this. Do this. The greatest country. Don't move at all. Only move your hand.

Don't move my body. Don't move your shoulders, just your hands. The greatest country. Sit like that if you're sitting. Don't, first of all, don't. OK, so sit like this. Don't. Yeah?

The greatest country. The best country. The best country. Wow, what a country. Wow, what a country. A lot of Asians. A lot of Asians. Maybe too many Asians.

Maybe too many Asians. That's pretty good. That was good. Yeah, thank you. Wow. You blew a gasket. I almost died. Do you do other impressions?

No. Yeah, you must do other impressions. That was so good. I was so good. I was taking over that. I watched a lot of Trump. Yeah. I liked it.

Yeah, yeah. Like that bit that you do about the Fox, is that true of your Fox News Dad? Yeah, of course, I'm exaggerating a little. Yes, no, I mean, yeah, this was a rough year for you. My dad was watching the news. A lot. Yeah, he was fired up.

That's really funny. He was fired up. I mean, yeah, that's how every dad is getting crushed by fucking Fox News. They're getting fucking crushed. I know. I love it. Every day.

But I mean, there is the other side of that, which there are the CNN dads and those guys that are like, can you believe what's going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ew, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Another question, you know?

Another question. Yeah, we got a question. Hey, guys, I'm a 28-year-old male who just can't seem to find a woman no matter what. I was burned at an early age, found in my ex-in-bed with some random dude when I was 18, and I have since been alone. I've tried everything I can think of, gone out to bars,

tried the apps, gave up, and hoped that the universe would somehow make us bump into each other like some cheesy rom-com. I'm completely out of ideas. What do I do? He's calling you. That was his fancy alert. Yeah, right?

His fancy phone. It is, his fancy alert. Is it? Yeah. Lamar Jackson, who do you have? No, I have ESPN, I don't know why, on my notifications. Oh, it's because we watched UFC on it. Yeah, I watched the UFC on it.

And go, ta-na-na, ta-na-na. OK, go ahead. You really are 50. You really are. Yeah, why? That's just an old man thing to have, like, notifications on apps going off. Like, you're their target demo.

I actually don't know how to turn it off. I don't know how to turn it off, do you? Yeah, I can turn it on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of them. Yeah. Like, I don't like any of them. Yeah, no one likes them.

Yeah, yeah. It's just guys are too old to figure them out. Sorry. So what do you think? How does this guy get a woman like you, Shane? Oh. Well, say it again, he's 28. He can't get any women.

He caught his girl. His first ex, I believe, was at 18, cheated on him, and ever since he's been alone. Is he just cussing bitches out at the bar? Like, what's he doing? He's probably angry. He's probably an incel possibly energy. You have a 10 years after you get cheated on.

And then, I mean, if you were dating anyone when you were 18, they cheated on you. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they all did. We all did. Yeah. My suggestion is to go the other way. Which way?

Just say, forget it. I'm not going to do it. Meet one. Yeah, that will work, actually. I think that will work. It's like, you know what, this is a true story. I rarely tell true stories on this podcast. But this one is kind of true, OK?

I'm being real. So back in the day, when I was a kid, I used to go to A meetings, all right? And there was this English guy named Barry. I don't think that I'm giving anything away. And Barry was, I'm not kidding you, Hobbits would call him a little person. He was that little.

And he was stocky. He was from England. He had these rosy cheeks. And he was little. And he, hey, what's up? You know what I mean? He was just jolly. And he was a virgin until he was like in his 50s, right?

He was just an alcoholic. And one day I go, do you not want to meet women? He goes, well, it's just not in my path. I've tried and it's not. So I'm just focusing on spirituality and focusing on. And so be it, it's God's will or whatever. He was a spiritual guy. And then years later, I came back.

I was living in L.A. and went back to an A meeting there. And Barry was married with this really hot chick. She was a little older, but she was very pretty. And I just thought, I think that worked for him. Just focusing on his thing. And then when the time came, the love of his life came around the corner at that age. So let it go, I think.

Don't you think? Yeah. I mean, if you're pushing it, that's tough. You're going on like Tinder dates, like this is my girlfriend. It's like, oh, this will be trouble. I don't know. It's tough for me to give advice on dating.

Because the only advice I can be like, all right, get very good at stand up. I mean, honestly, if you and I were not doing this as a business, you think I would have been able to land somebody like this? I'm surprised you were anyway. I know. It's pretty good.

I hate when she goes. She always goes, well, I would have dated you in high school. No, you wouldn't have. You wouldn't even have known who I was. I dated a guy with actual Down syndrome, OK? He's Panamanian. So take that back. Well, she's popping her eyes.

Down syndrome from Panama. I did. So I don't even know what you're saying. I've dated fuggly motherfuckers my whole life. OK, babe, that doesn't make me feel that good. That's the bar, you know what I mean? It's just like, oh. The bar is low.

I'm going to be real with you. The bar is very low. It has always been low. And I don't know what that says about me. Jackpot. But it's like, I don't know how I feel about that. But anyway, I believe that, you know, that guy, you're going to find that one thing that's nothing

to do with being with a woman. If being with a woman is your sole purpose in life and your goal, right? I don't think it's going to work out. Fucking focus on, you know what I mean? Other shit. Don't you think? And then if you're good at whatever you do, they will come.

They will come. Don't you think? Yeah. For sure. I think so, too. Like this guy, you have a beautiful wife, but you should be with nobody. I'm being real.

You should be with nobody. But you became a huge podcast producer, right? And people respect you. And all of a sudden, you know what I mean? It's law of attraction. You've somehow got somebody, you know what I mean? Which is a miracle. It's a straight up miracle, my friend.

Love and light to you, George. Love and light. Yeah. I mean, your cousin Bryce is way better looking than you. You have a hot cousin? I wouldn't think so. No, but compared to him, have you seen his real face? Oh, yeah, he's fucked up.

Yeah, he's fucked up. He's fucked up. It's so much worse than I thought it was going to be. It looks handsome from here. Compared to that, that's a fucking face. Bryce is a horse face, dude. That's a long fucking face. That's kind of true.

That's kind of true. Yeah, Bryce is a horse face. Get Bryce out of here. So this weekend, you're going to be in Lafayette Comedy Club. Louisiana? Yeah. What club is that? I don't know.

I think it's Lafayette. I think it's new. Yeah. What clubs do you like? Let me guess. The Madison one, Comedy. I haven't done that yet. I haven't done Comedy on the state.

So good. I've heard it's great. Have you done Denver? Have not done Comedy Works. Just started. Yeah. Look, I started headlining, and then I got canceled, and then COVID.

It was all the last two years. Right. So like, I'm just getting into the better rooms for sure. Good. I mean, if you want to list, I think Tempe would have you. Have you played that? I'm doing, what, the Tempe improv? Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know if I've done that. Oh, there you go. Those are your gates? Zoom in. I'll tell you what's good. Start from the top. OK.

So go, go down. He's playing Phoenix. What is it? Oh, well, first of all, you know, you're playing Rick Bronson's room. I love Rick. Yeah. He's a great guy.

Have you played his Minnesota? I've done that room, yeah, the Minnesota, the Mall of America. Yeah. Have you done his Edmonton room? No, I haven't. Yeah. I just had to go. Rick Bronson's my boy, I love that guy, he's a friend.

Milwaukee Improv. That's going to be great. Go down. You know who owns that one is my friend Tony at a Schoenberg secret group. What's that? I don't know what that is. Oh, that's a show me and Ari are doing.

Oh, you are? And then American Comedy Company is my room. I love that room. Yeah, I've heard that was awesome. Awesome. Yeah. Ari's in town now. Oh, is he?

Yeah, he comes over Wednesday. We're doing yoga together. We're doing yoga together. Nice. Yeah, yeah. Shane, anytime you're in town, please come back and visit us. Yeah. I honestly, I just cool that you're here, man.

And I've always wanted to meet you. And I'd like to be friends with you if you want. We have each other's number. And also, you're going to be doing my room tomorrow, right? Yes. Yeah, can't wait. In Brighton. Yeah, that'll be awesome.

It's already sold out. Yeah. And do you get along with all the comics that are on that lineup? Do you know who they are? I do. OK, good. Yeah, there's not a lot of comics I don't get along with.

I know. I know. Yeah. You like Rosebud? Yeah, I like Rosebud a lot. Yeah, she's a good friend. I give Shane a round of applause. Oh, thanks, guys.

Thank you. Special, working on her stuff. Yeah, Gillian Keeves on YouTube. That's the sketch show me and my friends made. And then, yeah, my special is just Shane Gillis live in Austin. It's on YouTube. Check it out. Hey, guys, that was our show with Shane Gilles.

We've been wanting him on for a long time. But, yeah, we had him booked right before COVID. Then COVID messed that up. But what didn't mess us up is our amazing sponsors. I want to give a shout out to them. Four Hams, guys, you want to check that out? Go to fourhams.com slash belly. Once again, that's fourhams.com slash belly.

Don't start losing your hair like Andres. He needs to get into it. Also, guys, BetterHelp, this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. And Tiger Belly listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash belly. And Liquid IV. Get 25% off anything you order when you get better hydration today using your promo code belly at liquidiv.com.

And get 20% off for plus free shipping at manscape.com slash Tiger Belly. Make sure your balls are fresh this fall with Manscaped. Guys, if you like that sofa door just sitting on, All Form is offering 20% off all orders for our listeners at allform.com slash belly. And if you want to ask us any questions for unhelpful advice or if you have any requests from our guests

you want to ask them, like Shane teaching Bob with the Trump impression, where can they do that, George? Adviceunhelpful at gmail.com. And first priority for video submissions. Video submissions. Please market it. It is a video submission so that we know and will give it first priority.

Guys, you can follow George at george underscore Kimba-Clawley-Clamity-K, Bobby, Bobby the Live, Gilbert at Gilbets, and also follow us on Tiger Belly at Tiger Belly. We have not asked for ratings in a while. Oh yeah, guys. On Apple podcast app. We want to rank up a little more. So give us some ratings and we'll read the fun ones

on the show. Yeah, so leave those comments on there if you want those read at the end of the show and also give us five stars. And yeah, get us a. And Bobby will be reading them himself. He'll read every rating. Every comment.

Get us a top 10 in the world in comedy, guys. That's the goal. All right, also one final request. Make sure you guys have Elon Musk or SpaceX reach out to us. We are trying to make Inspiration 5 happen. Oh my god, so desperate, Gilbert. No, we're making it happen, George. Also, if you want any comedy to do with dentist,

contact George. Got jokes there. Good jokes. All right, guys. We love you. Peace. Hey, Prime members. You can listen to Tiger barely ad free on Amazon music.

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