TigerBelly - Ep 316: Howie Mandel & The Magical Phone Call

Episode Date: September 29, 2021

Bobby gets double goosebumps. Howie likes Khalyla more than Ashton Kutcher. Khalyla is our resident germofile. We talk opening for Diana Ross, why Howie almost said 'no deal' to Deal or No Deal, the origin of the glove trick, and the Shin Lim incident. Please support our sponsors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly add free on Amazon music download the app today We're not rolling We're rolling Tell me when I could start talking What you can start talking are you gonna do it without with your mask on not on here what I'm doing is I wear it this way because We just had yum kippur So I'm still celebrating. Yeah. This is a COVID and Judaism at the same time. Yeah. Yeah, are you wearing socks or just Free-flowing. No, this is not

You really called when you're not wearing socks. It's free-flowing. What is it? What's your feet have to do with your nuts? Oh, is that a lady? This is my girlfriend Kalilah. I know who saved your life Yeah, yeah, she said I came in fully bathed freshly bathed for you It took a bit. Wait, usually you wouldn't know you don't bathe. I bathe but not right before the pod Not for you just for how we you just bathe is your hair still wet. Yep Just for you. That's a me. That is nobody's ever No, no, it means a lot to me that somebody would actually take a bath for me Yeah, I also didn't tell her to do it. She did it on her own gut instinct

Mm-hmm, which is great. What a great girlfriend just to have the gut instinct to bathe No, because I'm fucking you man Don't feel too special. Oh, no, no, that doesn't don't feel bad. Yeah. Yeah So I was saying that every time we've had a meeting or a get-together Yeah, you call me 30 times ago. I can't find my way. I can't find my way and when people ask me about you I love you and they go is there anything I go. He's never he can never find Fucking way to anything anything, but you're always wait and you always call me. I'm ten minutes away Where do you turn it? I go? How is that possible? This is the actually the first time I've been to your this is your house, isn't it?

Yeah, I hope so because the people are gonna be pissed No, because not because you're doing this but your girlfriend was upstairs using their back. Yeah. Yeah, so so Good Before I finish the story, okay That's your thing You're right have a just set up. Oh my god. I heard you on Bobby. It sounded like there was some great stories that you started Yeah, I will finish how we know I don't want to okay, so I just want to defend myself that as well May I defend myself? Yeah, I don't think you have to do it. Yeah, so I love you

I remember one time right we had a meeting on a we were pitching a show. Mm-hmm, and You guys didn't put me on the fucking list Right, so I'm at the gate. No, that was Netflix and you were on the list That was Netflix. That's why is that why you had to come to the gate and go come on in I have to say that every time I go to Netflix. There's a cluster fuck at the gate There is yeah, and you were on the list. We didn't put you on the list. Yeah, so what are you saying here at your house? I wasn't on the list Your feet look great you told me had a problem with your feet my left foot is bad

I know you like it. What no, I made him cut his toenails the other day. They were for me for you Yeah, you bathed and you had a howie if I opened up one of the toes don't open up But if I opened up one of the toes right between the cracks Yeah, you would be disgusted how you have a question for you How have you been able to stay friends with them all this time knowing like how unhygienic he is? You're fucking them. I Just have met meetings and stuff. I think that's a question for you. I'm a germophile not a germaphobe Oh, wow. I I yeah, I don't fuck Bobby. I

Go to meetings with him. I'm here. I'm like ten feet from him at this thing I mean even if we were gay and lovers that we would that would have even do that What make love I? would imagine Would I would I mean would you and or would you fuck? I don't know who's the what you're in the receiver? Why do we have to figure that out? Why can't we fuck each other? How does that? How can you do that at the same time? Well, we can 69. I mean, we're not fucking but we're like doing stuff together

Wow, yeah, he thought about it No, I know but what my point is that because I'm so filthy and you're like is he filthy? he's He's strangely never smells which really kind of irks me because he doesn't well, maybe you have COVID I I got tested today for you. Yeah for COVID or just And what what is that? What are you doing? I got tested for you. They stick one of those swabs I know, but I don't know what it is to a guest. How do you want your guests to refer to your right?

Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I'm not gonna call you call it. So you relate to my you guys have names for each private For each of your private parts. What do you call your sweetie? Well, toky the dum-dums my dad. Yeah, everyone knows toky the dum-dum Everyone everyone knows that right toky the dum-dum. Yeah, and did you name it? No, toky. What do you mean? He was born with the name. Yeah. Yeah. Oh really? Yeah, when I didn't get a name until I met my first You named it you were alone and you had a friend when I was a baby I go toky dum-dum and then it was just like any goes. Yeah It has its own birth certificate. Yeah. Yeah sharp tops, but all 1971 San Diego wait, it wasn't born on the same day as you know

No, I mean if we're like basically like Siamese twins all joined at the right So I came out first I came out first and then toky was like, what about me and he came out last That's your nuts. Don't you? Don't nuts drop like you don't you're not born with Dropping yeah, so if they don't drop thank you for explaining my nuts to me. That's why you love is a nurse If they don't if they don't drop it's cryptoric it is them. It's what you have to pry it out Cryptorica you have to pry it out. Yeah, cuz sometimes nuts don't drop and then have you as you don't practice a nurse anymore Do you know I don't but were you ever in the prying room? I've seen like

I've seen young I've seen babies or like, but how do you know when it's too late? Have you ever had a man? Show up to say can you pry this for me? I Am it first you don't succeed pry pry again. Is that a medical term? I think so. Do you do with your hands? Are you tweezers? No, it's an actual surgery you have to do you can't just yank it out You said pry pry is not a surgery prying can be a surgery. It just can't be by my nursing hands It's got to be in medical but the connotation that you're saying is that that person's nuts are none of your business correct

So the only way you can get at them is to pry? You know how when you ask yeah, yeah, yeah, see what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, so let's start the podcast um Oh, we're not started. That's not how we know what I do is I do the closing Oh, do you have a certain we have a certain opening right and then what did you buy from Louis Vuitton? It was my birthday. So he gave me a gift today a box for Louis Vuitton, but whatever he got me a beanie. Oh, wow Yeah, yeah, so thank you so much. I feel bad. I didn't yeah. Yeah, I had to get for you to know you showing up is the gift I know that's my yeah, I know because I've been wanting on you on this fucking podcast for years He's been on your own list. No absolutely

And can I just say that I have been on the list for years now? I've been on the list. No one has ever called No one has ever asked he's been wanting me so badly. Yeah that they've never called in fact This was my request. Can I be on your podcast? It was I know was it is that the truth? Richest riches that's not fair start the podcast. We'll talk about it a second. Okay, that's not fair And how do you keep saying I've been here for a fucking half hour. You keep saying start the pot. Let's start to start to start Five three two Welcome to another episode of Tiger Belly, baby. I got my beautiful girl Franka Lila here We got white pieces shit George right there. We got richie richie richie richie

We got you I didn't say gook. Oh, I didn't say gook. I was trying to mad and let me just say this right now All right, I am one. Yeah, but don't say it. Okay. You're right. Thank you That's it You can oh we didn't start no we can't wait till this starts I have to introduce you first right because you're next I wish I could have used this when I was like a single guy No, no, no, no, we didn't start to sex yet. We didn't we didn't start how we how we just what are you doing? What is all this goo all over my face? We always start how it's almost time to start

Yeah, almost when I when you could talk I have I had to fucking introduce you first man No wonder why I've never been on this podcast. There's no beginning to this. Yeah. Is there any content anyway? Okay, just give me a second. Okay, I will I've got this next guest our next guest our next guest. Are there many guests on each podcast? I'm not the opening guest Our first guest, right? You know because when I was doing a tonight show You want to be the lead guest? I'm not the lead guest. Oh, you like the third Bobby Lee's garage You're a comic the comic is always the third guest on a fucking tonight in your garage. Yes We already had I thought it was important your girlfriend took a bath already on already and we had the guy a juggler

And now it's you a juggler on a podcast I Great content. Okay. So, um This next guy, um coming to our show Is somebody that I've been wanting on the show for a very long time, but didn't ask anybody Yeah, you'd never asked anybody, but I thought you start getting you would just know telepathically To show up. Yeah, just to show up. Um, secondly Um, I've been a huge fan when I was a kid

Um, I watched HBO's young comedian special or something, but he was a kid you turned 50 this week I know what up. No, yeah 40 years ago 40 years ago Yeah, a long time ago. I used to be a fan, but no, I'm a still fan now, but just let me fucking finish the intro, man All right, so I love that. I've been here for how long now 20 am I exaggerating was on age 20 minutes I don't know how much you edit this but I've been here for 20 fucking minutes and he's not finished the intro So he was I saw him on the young comedian. Well, we're out of time

Thank you and it really influenced me comedically because I influenced you. Yeah, you did don't say that I because I think that you're amazing and I think what you do is funnier than anything I've ever done I'm gonna fucking finish this intro no matter what you fucking do, okay? And then once the intro is over, we're doing the goodbyes. St. Assel St. Assel St. Assel St. Assel he watched every episode of St. Assel Obviously, you know, um You know, obviously he did Bobby's world, but he also did um, he also did um, you know, Bobby's world wasn't you

I know you did it though, right your Bobby, but it wasn't your world. I know, but that's that's what the fuck the thing was called Yeah, no, I'm right. Yeah, all right. Thank you. I don't want to interrupt. Don't that's what the fucking thing was called Don't stop your fucking intro. We only got a week and then he was the host of deal or no deal Right, and now he is one of the prestigious judges. Uh, america's got talent one of the what prestigious prestigious is is that plural? Yeah, both of them, right? He did both of it So, um, he's also um, somebody that um, whenever he has a you have writers on this podcast. No, I'm improvising dude I'm adding information

Um, he's what are you looking at? I'm just counting the fucking things you've done, man Um, what do we have? I'm sorry. You got it. I got it. So Whenever he this guy even in my down times in my career Right, whenever this dude has he's producing a project He always invites me to do it because um, I don't know why I'll tell you why I'm not done yet Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Does the guest and no, you know, when I say your fucking name, howie Is when you fucking talk, I know you have this my name you said it. Damn it. That's true. Howie mendel give him I love that a podcast that just introduces people

It's a one hour each week of introductions by bobby. You really I I want to thank you because the reason like there were times Okay, there were There was there was time They can if we both talk at the same time, we'll finish this faster and then your producer can edit. No, we're not editing this No, you should I won't it's not good Whatever, um, you know, there was like big lulls in my career where like no one was calling and then those time those little tiny windows How we would call with a project either to do a pilot or I have a show. I want you to do it and it really kind of uplifted Me in those dull times in my career. I'm killing it now

You know what I mean, and I don't need this But in those times and him and I also And joe koi were trying to get the show off the ground For years and he's the obviously the the producer of that and we've been pitching and stuff But anyway, howie mendell has always been somebody that's really just have helped me. I met him when I did mad tv years ago He did a sketch with me at my Place that I used to live above the comedy store and ever since then he's just been a pal And somebody that I looked up to and somebody that's helped me so much and I love him so much

Let's get a real good round of applause for howie mendell everybody clap your hands. That's your second that's your second intro Wow, yeah, yeah, the words were beautiful. The original Wow, yeah, yeah, the words were beautiful. The applause But six people in somebody's garage doesn't You know, it's fun to be in front of an audience and to hear the roar of a crowd Yeah, yeah, six people and she didn't applaud at all No, I know the bath was enough the bath once you've given a bath. There's no more And cova test for you right she had the cova test for me

Can I just say that the reason all kidding aside the reason I always call you when I'm trying to sell something And oh from the first time and I became aware of you on mad tv. I didn't know you before mad tv I think that you're one of the I don't laugh harder at any other comedian than I laugh at you and I think you're amazing No, is that true? I tell I tell rich all the time. I think you're amazing. I think you're funny I think you're really hard on yourself really. I know really hard on yourself crazy hard on yourself to a detriment Thank god that she's here to tell you you're an idiot for thinking that the negativity is is there But maybe that's what makes you so great is because you're so hard on yourself

and I don't know that people know this but you're also one of the Best human beings that I have ever met like it's as crazy as you are. No, I'm not gonna fuck you We tried to I don't know if people listened to this podcast before it actually started But we we talked about that is any part of this going to be heard all of it from beginning to end But the beginning wasn't at the beginning continue with the compliment Hmm continue with the compliment I I forgot what

So um, but you but that reminds me though is I remember you telling me once because you know, I I look at Kalila and I go Um, I think she's helped me so much. I mean, I wouldn't be where I'm at today without her help You know and um, I think your wife too has been very instrumental in your I think I'm alive because of my wife And I think I'm here because of my wife. We've talked. We've talked about it. Yeah, intimately about our mental health issues Yeah, which I don't think anybody is without and uh, my wife was there at a pry my nuts down But I'm from Canada. It's very cold. Sometimes they go up Yeah, and they hide and she brought me down here and yeah ride my nuts

You told me once though too is um That at first when deal or no deal was presented to you you didn't really initially jump on it jump on it I said fuck you to the person I know I know I was at 2005. I told you this my career in my mind was over You know, I had I had done uh, sane elsewhere And I had done bobby's world in the 90s and I did a lot of tv and I did a lot of movies in the 80s And by about 2004 I was getting jobs at comedy clubs, which were Maybe 25 full when I got there. So there was no people in the audience

So I've the audience has waned in my in my height. I was playing like 10,000 seats and 84 or 83 and doing the tonight show But now I had like 60 people in the audience And I was reading for parts for five lines and under so I'd be outside a casting office And then I get this call from my manager who says, you know, NBC wants you to do a game show and I went fuck you And if you remember Nobody remembers, but if you remember 2004 or 2005 At that time not one comedian ever

Since groucho marks had done a game show groucho marks Did you bet your life which leno is actually doing right now? But but no comedian had done that and in fact, you know being the game show host was the punchline You know, it was kind of a joke. It's just the guy in a suit who reads trivia question I didn't want to be a game. So I said fuck you, you know, my career is over and I'd like to leave and were you going to go to Canada? No, I'm I I deal in uh, I've done okay, but I like real estate as much as I like show business So I was doing real. I said listen as for money and business. I can do okay I just don't need to be constantly humiliated embarrassed kicked in the nuts mentally every fucking day

This is a really hard business even when you're doing well Yeah, even when you're doing well because the the better you do The harder the rejection feels because you feel like you got that self worthiness and how can he say no You know, even up to like two months ago I've you know, as you talked about I produce shows. I've even said to a network, you know And you know what I'll host this one and they have said to me. Well, we don't want you You know, which is funny, but it's also it's a kicking in that. Yeah. So what I'm saying is I couldn't I wasn't I didn't have the Success along with the kick of the nuts. So I just said listen, I'll make money. I'll do it

I don't need to do this to myself every day and if I do a game show that's going to be the nail in the coffin of my career Wow, you know game show host That's the last thing I want to do or I'd be embarrassed in front of any the Comedy community or anybody in show business the last thing he did he did say in elsewhere He did movies. He created shows and now he's saying what is the capital? Of arizona for six points. Yeah, you know, that wasn't something I thought was and you know in the cards for me And and so I said no, then they called back a half hour later. They go I just want you to understand that they're going to do this game show

It's not an afternoon game show. They're going to do it in prime time Five nights and no network has ever Devoted five hours in one week of prime time television to a game which Already exists in most of the world and it's kicking ass. Ah, so I said I really don't want to do it He calls me back a half hour later and he said Well, you just talk to the guy like I'll talk to the guy but I don't even want to you know Part of the humiliation is me driving and and trying to find the place kind of like today

And if I get there nobody's going to be bathed for me This is a whole new era. I can't thank you enough. You don't know how much I love you now Don't feel too special. I do bathe three times a day Well, you're you're so much. I like you so much better than ashton kutcher I think wow. Wow. Do you know about his bathing habits? Yeah, and while I try not to be judgmental about it, I have very very deep Visceral feelings about not bathing every day, but he says he doesn't bathe. He only washes the nuts the vitals He says right, but I love that his nuts are as vitals

You what you think your hands wash your hands your hands are filthy you think my hands are filthy look how How shiny and clean my nuts are I don't care about my this is my vital. I don't care about my fingers. Yeah. Yeah Anyway, what was I saying a deal of junior? Yeah, so I said I don't want to come to a meeting But I'm at jerry's deli here in the valley If you and I'm having soup if he wants to come here. Yeah matzo ball Uh, you're just saying that because I'm a jew. Is that was it? I love the matzo ball. No, no, no You said it because I'm a jew. Yes

Yes You guys eat it. Did I come in here and say did you finish your rice? You guys love it. I love rice. You love matzo. Let's move on. No, I like rice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love both. Let's go So you went to jerry's to juice it. Let me get your yeah, you were at jerry's deli You're eating your big matzo ball soup the big ball cancelled And he comes in anyway, uh, he comes in and he goes let me just show you the game and I thought I was being pranked It's this guy rob smith from endemol and he brought in he had a cartoon

He had a cartoon he had a an art card like a piece of paper And he had drawn 26 squares. He didn't go to kinko. He didn't spend it looked like a special needs after school project Yeah, and and and he he puts these 26 down. He goes, I'm gonna show you something Pick a card and don't show me what it is and I pick a card and I don't show him what it is But it's he's got the each card had the amount of money on it like a million and what yeah He goes now. Do you think you got the million? I go well I got the soup and why do I think he goes watch this Open up six other cards and whatever's in those cards is not in york and I didn't really understand

I go is there any trivia? Is there any skill? No, right? So I went home and I told my wife. This is the worst fucking game An hour an hour and and they kept saying to me you are perfect for this. We can't do this without you howie We see you as the perfect person for this game, which bothered me more because there's no fucking game Maybe it's because I had no fucking career. So a guy with no career doing no game. Yeah, perfect So so um, I went home and my wife said to me what did I said? It's this game they open up cases and that and she goes do it and and She just said let out do it. Yeah. Well, she said I don't want you in the house anymore But yeah, I guess she said just do it. Please you just gotta I was going down a really dark wormhole

I was just sitting there horribly and she goes. I don't care what it is Just do some you just need to do it and and so she talked me into doing it Which I thought was Horrible idea, but I listened to her like you listen to her. Yeah, they seem to be a little smarter than we are Yeah, yeah, and and the thing is that I so I went there and I was devastated You know because they were practicing it and it didn't make any sense to me and then I said Oh, and this is right. So I call him back on Friday and I said, okay, I'll do it And they went great. We told you you're the perfect person for this

You're the guy that can do this and I said, when do we tape and he goes Monday and I go Monday Monday But what about the models do you need 26 months? We got them. We got you. I said you've already cast all the models I go, what about a set built how fucking far down the list was I how many people said no no before you come to fry That's negative. You're doing negative thinking What what made you mr. Positive all of a sudden negative thinking. All right. This is what happened, right? You were their number one. You hadn't agreed with it. So they had backups, right? They had, you know, I don't know their name Jim Schmaggin again

I just made up a guy. Yeah, I know but it rhymes with gaffigan. Yeah Or so whoever, right? Yeah, and then it's like they're like, oh, we're gonna have to go with Jim because how he hasn't called But then when Friday you called, right? They were like, call they called Jim later We got how well Okay, that's a nice positive story, but it's bullshit because honestly No, I was wait. I was way down the rung. That's what I thought. You're right negative thinking But you know as I did the show and met people who were offered it. I was right Ellen was offered it a bunch of people were off. Yeah, yeah

So I like your positive thinking and it doesn't make me feel better because it's bullshit. It's bullshit Yeah, but I think that you got to think positive I would just stop for the other second. Okay. I just did game on remember a couple years ago I did a game show with wait wait one more second. Can we open the podcast one more time? Do do do do do do do do welcome to another episode of tiger belly with me me We got white piece of shit over there. George white piece of shit. He's the worst white there is No, but he bought me this Louis Vuitton beanie. Thank you so much for this birthday gift Can I say that's the here? That's the best thing you've ever done for me

No, you've done so many good things, but that was a really good one. How long have you guys worked together? 10 years and that fucking hat is the best That's true. That's true. I haven't thought of it that way. I did and so did everybody listening So you show up and you do it and then no, I called it. I called uh, my I called them back I was terrified that I said okay. My wife made me say okay Yeah, so I called them a couple hours later and I said can I I don't know what to do and I've never done a game show You were vulnerable and scared I live vulnerable and scared, but yes, I was even more

Heightened vulnerability and fear because we were about to start and so I said can I hear some comment from my friends To write maybe we can write maybe if nothing else if this game is a piece of shit I'll be maybe I'll be funny right like and I don't know what to do and you're asking me to do five hours So let's write they said okay And two of my friends came over and we wrote jokes about cases and things and models and shit like that And then I walked out that first day that monday I walked out and they said welcome to deal or no deal and the crowd is roaring and there's 12 cameras around and all these Lay and I introduced the very first

Uh contestant never forget. I did 500 shows Karen van Wow, Karen van. Karen van was the very first contestant and uh, I matter I said tell me about yourself Karen and Karen explained to me that she was a single mother And these were her three children sitting in the audience right there and she's never owned a home She doesn't have health insurance. She's not from here. So I'm sorry in Iowa like in middle America And then I realized oh my god. This person is is real This is real and this is gonna for her that's Karen van right there Wow, Karen and this picture makes so much sense to me. Keep this picture up because I want to tell you

This is how she decided to dress for our episode, right? Yeah, so and that was Karen van. That's the very first show I've been doing the show for 10 minutes And then I realized she's a real person and I and I also realized she's never been on television before So there was like a glaze over her as far as all the cameras and all the lights and all the people So she really wasn't listening You know so I the first offer was something like $10,000 and I thought she's done nothing And in two minutes, I just offered a $10,000 and with no thought she goes no deal and here's a woman Here's a woman that just said

Yeah, she has three children. She doesn't have insurance. She doesn't have it and she's turning I would have said 10,000. I've done nothing. I have an answer. I buy and I'll take the $10,000, right? But she didn't even think about You don't know why did you just do that babe? I have had babe. Don't ever do that. You've had what let her finish your sentence I have um Allergies really bad allergies bullshit. I swear to god. What are you allergic to now? You're fully bathed. I'm in the room Jews is it juice? Damn, that's a wow

What are you allergic to what could you have coughed about in here? We're in a garage. There's no grass. There's no animals These are fake, right? Yeah, plants are all fake. So it's not greenery. That's not a real dog Everything's here, but everything five times. I've been holding it in I've been holding I want to sneeze so bad right now, but I can't I had hold and been holding that in for 20 All right, and then you he turned she turned her head too, right? And I went it was like a slo mo she went But also really bad form I coughed into my hand, but you know what howie Right, so whatever you have look at your hand. Look at look at what are you gonna do spray spray?

What do you spring? This is a bottle of Bobby snot that she keeps by his side. That's just his is mucous. Yeah. I like to wash my hands Anyway, the point that I was making here is She said no deal and then I thought first and foremost and this is what I love about you Yeah, you're a human being that's right first And and as crazy as you are you're a nice human being and what happened to me there I'm now I'm tuning my own horn. I'm very nice. You know, no, no, but but the thing was I by the way This is a real person and I don't care about she was making some dumb decisions

so that that Changed my cadence and I didn't want to do jokes anymore because I felt that that was distracting her Right from making good decisions and it also informed my cadence of how I did that show I talked to her like I talked to my five-year-old and I said, okay the offer Listen to me is $60,000 Wow, wow, $60,000 more than you've made in three years Or do you open up another four cases? Karen, listen to me $60,000

Deal or no deal, you know, and that I was talking to her but that became my my cadence and it was just about making her Understand how important this was. That's amazing. The cool it wasn't amazing because it didn't work And she ended up leaving. No, but she ended up leaving that woman. Look at her right there Ended up leaving with $5,000. Now. That's great $5,000 is almost double what I'm getting today for this podcast But here's the thing look at how she's dressed. So we did the show For five years on NBC then we did it in syndication And then it's it was rebooted on CNBC, but they did these things where they did follow-ups

To find out what the people who won the money got four people won the million some people want like what how did it change your life? What did you do now? And obviously if you're going to do that you go back to the very first American deal or no deal contestant we went back to Karen van and we said, you know $5,000 a lot to leave with What did you do? What did you do? Look at this picture and tell me this doesn't make sense. She had her tits done All right, Karen for those that are just listening and not watching she's wearing like who wears a like a What do you call those a poncho? She's wearing a poncho

Because she was self-conscious about her breasts, right? So you see that it's important. That's a poncho, isn't it? It's kind of poncho-esque. Yeah, it's poncho-esque. Yeah, yeah, yeah But but dealer no deal changed your So here's what happened. So I did that show No, no, so I did the show and I did none of the jokes and I just played that game with that cadence And I taped five episodes And I went home so miserable so depressed because I said for the first time I've done five hours of television and I did fucking nothing Nothing because you know as a comedian when you're doing something you're not getting laughs

Well, it wasn't funny. Yeah, I wasn't doing line lines like that were given to me from a script I was it was the first time I was just howie and I was just doing nothing. I just you're real Right, but that's not you know I went into this business to be a comedian to be an actor to be to do something entertaining And I did nothing. I didn't do anything witty. I didn't do anything funny And when it was going to air I got on a plane with my whole family and I made my white We flew to someplace in the Caribbean where there wasn't tv and I was in tortola

And I got a call on the morning after it aired the first time rob smith called me and he goes You're not going to believe this it went through the roof And I went what he goes the ratings are unprecedented I go for what he goes our show And I just sat there. I didn't know what to say like thank you or anything. I just hung up the phone I thought something's wrong the next day it aired The next day it aired and rob called me and said it's even bigger on the second night And it was bigger on the third night and that at the end of the week

100 million people had watched it on just in goosebumps on the network fucking goosebumps 100 million people I got on a plane. I came back. I landed in Miami within 30 seconds of landing the first person that Made eye contact with me went deal or no deal and then every other person was doing it. Oh my goosebumps. It was bombs, man That could be a rash No, I just yeah, she's coughing You're breaking out. Yeah. Yeah, honestly. This is giving goosebumps, bro So and and out of everything I've ever done Everything from sane elsewhere to movies to Bobby's world to agt to whatever I do

The biggest success I've ever had in my career was deal or no deal which gave me the groundwork for everything else That's how I started my production company. So I started calling you I renegotiated and rather than more money I said put me on the lot. I was on universal for seven years And and and I started producing shows and getting shows on the air But that was the one time the one time when when I went no fucking way three times And who nobody is more surprised and thrilled than I am now when you were in the Miami airport And your and people are coming up to me. Was your wife like astounded? Yeah, she knew she saw the show and she kept telling me but I thought it was because she loved me

It was great. She goes you got to see it. It's great. You're not inside. I go. What is so great? I didn't do anything. Tell me one funny thing. Yeah, she goes. No, no, no, it wasn't funny. It was great I go, but what did I do and she goes? She goes it it it the idea of that humanity and people like either gambling or taking it too far or changing their life forever That's great. I go, but me talk about me. Why is that? Why is that? It's embarrassing. Anybody could have been there. They go. No, you handle it. How that's not true, too But that's how I know but only you could have done that. Well, thank you It would have been a completely different show if somebody else did it somebody else did do it before me. They you know that

No, they did in a different country. No here that the show went They did six episodes at abc with a british host And then uh, whoever took over abc. It wasn't their show. So they never aired it So then we took the they took the abc show and recast it and did it with the same executive producer scott st john at nbc but Right before I was doing it. They gave me the tapes that they watched at abc and I said, I don't want to do this I don't I don't get it. That's incredible. You know and they did it very differently

But what we did at nbc seemed to take off and do well and I love I love the show now You know what and and When that show took off Yeah, that was when they called jeff foxworthy and said you should do smarter than a fifth grader And that's when they called bob saggett and said you should do one versus a hundred and that's when they called louis anderson And said you should do family feud and that's why steve harvey has a career every time they're going to do a game show now Yeah, the first calls are always comics. That's amazing. Yeah, so I think the world owes me a big Everything they oh, they do owe you and I'm going to tell you something that you did for me too

Which is sprung up something in my mind I I one time I was at the comedy store in the parking lot and you we were talking about montreal And I told you that I was never invited like when I was young So when I was talking about just for laughs the comedy festival just for laughs the comedy festival When I was a new person, you know, I auditioned for new faces a bunch of times. I never got it I got bitter and then later in my life They would offer me stuff and I would say no out of anger and spite And I told you that and you got angry with me. I did. Yeah. Yeah, and you go you should never

Um, it's something like you should never base your decisions on resentment and anger, right? Because it's that's not the who who are you hitting? Big deal that you're not coming. They'll put somebody else there for you You have you're cutting off your own knots to be in front of for those that don't know jfl And I'm not saying this because I'm one of the partners in it, but July montreal And all over there you can get tickets. No, but but But for those that don't know jfl launched and gave careers to so many of the people that you watch today people like davis chappelle kevin hart

tim tool guy what tim tim alan and Tim tool guy. He told me to call him He said don't use the word alan everybody does that. Yeah, how are you're special? Yeah, and no, but what I'm saying is and anybody who is anybody in comedy had been on any show is there in montreal If you ever have a chance go through or watch whatever you can on tv about it The point is that every executive from every network and studio is there and they're cultivating these people and people walk out of there

With sitcoms they walk out of there with movies. They walk out of there with album deals and because you got dissed and probably wrongly dissed They probably made a bad decision in not putting you in new faces, but we live in a sea of bad decisions And hopefully we're around and still treading water so we can grab on to those one or two good decisions that make an entire career Yeah, so I said to you you gotta, you know, you're not showing Anybody and nobody's going can you believe you said no to they don't they move on they got to move on But you are negating your opportunity to stand in front of nbc cbs fox At universal warner brothers and everything because you're pissed at some guy who has shitty taste So you gotta show up

You really that's it when you said that It changed me because I eventually when they did offer me. Let me finish. They offered you after that And I said yes, and you said yes Yeah, you went on and did one of the funniest shows I ever saw and I said see and you go that was terrible That was really I hated that. Well, no, but because yes, that's not fair. That's not fair. Yeah, because you said you were being heckled I know because the one show that you shut up to because I saw you Okay, I'm on stage thousands of people, right? I saw you in the balcony seats, right?

And I see your little head, you know, I mean shining, you know, I mean, yeah Like a you know, like a Buddha's and like a little head after Right, so I look at a little head with glasses and I sit there. Oh, fuck and then some guy in another ball game next Oh Like I'm telling my jokes every between every joke not funny next And now I'm arguing with this guy and that was fucking brilliant. He's not filling in the argument That's what even made it better. Listen. I love what you do and I love what you have planned

Some asshole. There was an asshole again You were you were you're leaning into the asshole and letting the asshole bother you Then when as she says the important things of what's up front. Yes, and your show was up front Yes, you know and the thing was the way you dealt with him. It was it made it even better more electric I was in besides coming backstage and see you I walk around most people don't if I'm wearing a baseball hat Don't recognize me and I'm listening to the buzzers are leaving the room and nobody first of all, I should say This was I think it was the dirty show. Yeah, is it dirty? Were you there? No, no, it was a dirty show You were hosting the dirty show. Yes, and and that's it right there. That's it. You were hosting. What a great lineup though

Well, here's the thing. Oh, so with all those I'm not gonna knock anybody, but they were all good Yeah, everybody walking out of the show the buzz in the room was how good you were there was five other comics All right, you were introducing them, but fine. You leaned into the negative. Whatever But what are you doing? What are you doing? What do you thank you though? But you leaned into the negative, but you know what but can I just say something right now? Yeah, when's the last time your hair was like that? You like it like that? No I'll never do that again. Yeah, but can I say what my sick mind said though? But the reason why I was there in my sick mind. I never said this to you was

Well, how is a partner? Of course, they're gonna invite me now That you did that. No. Yeah, but that's what I said thought of my isn't it funny to hear when you see somebody this talented And when you see somebody that nobody I don't I didn't express anything I think you know, I just I'm just being honest with you. I'm a fucking thought man No, I know, but I'm a lot older than you and I'm trying to change that mindset. I'm at the point now where I'm Almost dead So that's no, no, it's true. What? Well, how much how long is the what's the oldest comic? Who is the oldest comic?

Louie, what? Who Louie Louie How is Louie Louie Anderson? I'm talking about dead people who? Oh, who got who got at the end? What's the longest? He didn't make it to 100 and asner and asner was kind of a comic. No, he's not he was on a comedy show He's not extended comment, but here's the thing. I'm I'll be 66. That's great. Well. Yeah Yeah, but but how many years do I have left another 20? So that's it. So I have 20 I've been doing it

Yeah, 40. So I have a half as much time left. Yeah, then I already had and here's what my my point being is You realize at this point It's just you got so shocked by my age. He does not look like 66. His producer just dropped everything Who's that do that? I can tell them. He's looking at me. No one coughs or drops anything All right. Okay, but what I'm saying is that you gotta at a certain point in life You got to go fuck everybody else and believe in yourself. Oh god again more wisdom because it doesn't matter because even if you're great It doesn't matter. You know people in our business always say, how do you want to be remembered? You won't I know right you won't you're right. You won't no matter how big I was just reading about this guy the other day

Do you know Rory Calhoun? Don't know him. Don't know that name, right? Yeah. Yeah Yeah, he has two stars on the walk of fame in his day. Wow. He was the number one western star You know when westerns were our marvel. Yeah of today, you know, whoever was marvel whoever was that Rory Calhoun was that the point? I'm not knocking Rory Calhoun. Yeah, but I'm saying two generations Which is really just almost 40 years the longest I've been in the business. Yeah. No matter what you do Nobody's gonna remember. So in yet like 100 years imagine 100 years from now walk of fame, right? Some kid is gonna walk by and go who the fuck was Robert Downey jr. Well, I have a star on the walk of fame Oh, you do? Yeah, it was just that this is a long-winded way of telling you

Nice I want to look I wanted to see your star. Where is it at the cross streets? Well mine's on sepulveda But it's still a star And I drew it myself. Oh, you did. Oh, yeah. What is there? But where is mine? I don't know. Yeah, we have find out Where how is it find out where my star? You know, you know, I thought if I had a star I would walk by at once a month. I thought so you thought so I did that the first month All right, and a lot of well, I was standing there and a lot of people the most the biggest reaction I got was could you move we're trying to in here? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Is it say where it is? No

Yeah, does it say I have one? Maybe I'm just fooling myself. No, by the way, George Carlin was 71 when he passed away So that's a happy note. So five years. I got five years. Five years. Thank you. Wow Jerry stiller, how old was he? This podcast is taking a turn 92 boom boom. Yeah, I'm 66 do the math. It's a lot. That's over 20 years. Yeah. Yeah, I but but okay But I've been around for 45. So it's less than half. All I'm saying is that my Things have changed perspective. You know, I used to think that if I got on the tonight show, that was the end all and be all Yeah, and I did the tonight show a bunch of times, but it wasn't it's never what you think it is

The end all and be all was the one thing I said no to was the one thing that in my psyche Was the biggest fucking mistake somebody could make the point is you don't know You don't know, you know that bad baby, you know, she is. Yeah, okay. She became famous. She was A patient on dr. Phil. Yeah, who's goes check me outside Is cash me outside cash me outside. Yeah, nobody went on that show if not if most people would think I'm going on to be humiliated By my mother. Yeah, that launched her fucking rap career. Wow Who would think that so you don't know you have you make this plan, but you control so little in your world Then do you believe that sometimes you found her? Yes. So I believe but I believe

Everything if I look back sometimes I believe everything kind of happens in the right time In place and I believe that it feels almost like it's planned Not by me by the universe, you know, and I've told you this before my theory in life If is yes, you just say yes as much as you can You just say yes because and this sounds kind of stupid, but no First of all, there's a million more reasons to say no if you think about it But you shouldn't be thinking about it because you could think of this could happen this happened last time This is going to be bad

But no is no which are the first two letters of the word nothing Nothing comes from no. Wow. It does but if you say yes Worst case scenario you fail and you've gained some Knowledge on what you shouldn't do the next time you try something similar. Yeah, so just say yes to every you don't know What comes out of any moment in your life? And if you're going to shut a door opportunity is there for everyone But so many people don't step through that door. They just don't they have this fear and and their fear is How other people view them and that's what they get their sense of themselves based on what you think other people think

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But you don't have to do it alone download and subscribe to modern finance wherever you listen to podcasts That's modern finance wherever you listen to podcasts Don't be the last person on the next train out listen to modern finance and get ahead of the future of finance Enjoy the rest of the show You know My heart was broken so many times even as a comedian, you know Being the silly comic that I am that put the rubber glove on my head. Yeah I was the punchline of everybody's joke

Um, you know, I was on letterman's top 10 20 times a year We're going. Oh, yeah, and then number 10. We're going to make them sit through a howie mandel concert You know and and the thing is you don't know I showed up that night on a dare the night that I got into comedy I didn't I never pursued comedy. I didn't think of comedy. I didn't want to do comedy Somebody said I dare you to get we were at a comedy club yuck yuck since toronto. I played it in 1977 April 19 1977. Wow. I got up on stage I mean, I got I went to the show Because I don't I didn't go to discos. I wasn't a drinker. I wasn't a gambler. I don't know how to play sports

And so somebody said they opened a comedy club. I didn't know what a comedy club was I went Mark Brezlin, who was the host and the owner said does anybody want to Anybody from the audience at midnight we're going to give amateurs Uh, three minutes. Do you want to do it and somebody at the table went you should go up and I went? Yeah, okay Sign me up. No thought. Wait. Wait, wait, wait I but Most humans would never do that right, but you know, I also have mental health issues

No, but I do I have anxiety. I say yes to everything just out of I mean, it's a good practice Yeah, but I do things without thinking of the ramifications of that of those things. Yeah, and I don't think as much as maybe There's no happy medium with me Yeah, so so So I said yes, and then in my mind the joke was going to be somebody said ladies and gentlemen howie mandel And I'm going to walk out. Isn't that fucking hilarious because I'm just a carpet salesman who sells life And who the fuck is howie mandel and that's going to be a joke. But I didn't think it through I didn't think how to get out of the joke. Yeah

So marcos ladies and gentlemen howie mandel and there's a nice polite smattering of applause and I walk out I've never been on stage before the light hits me, you know the spotlight. I'm blinded by the light I don't and I look down. Yeah, first of all, I can smell the microphone the microphone smells like bad breath and beer Yeah, you know, I've never been that close to a microphone before and I look down and there's people are looking up the strange people That are sitting in front looking up like You know, wow do something funny boy. Yeah. Yeah, what are you doing here? I got a panic. I started panicking Really panicking and and like I've never panicked before

And I didn't and I started going. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, wow Oh, yeah. Yeah, and that was just fear. Okay. Okay. And I was just trying to come up with some And then and then people started laughing like you were giggling and I said go what what what? Okay. All right. All right You want uh, you want to hear something? Did you hear that And I have I have OCD and my hands were in my pocket I carry rubber gloves with me because if I had to go to a public restroom, I didn't want to touch anything That's what yeah, so I put my hand in my pocket. I felt my rubber glove and I go I brought this

I didn't know and they kind of giggled and that and then for no reason but pure fear I put it on my head and and I put it past my nose and I started breathing the fingers are going up I hear them I hear them roaring at me and then and then I blew it up with my note until it popped and it blew up on my head And I went good night. I knew it out. I knew I dropped a mic moment So I went good night and I walked off the stage and mark brezlin Was right there in the hallway and he goes can you come back tomorrow and I go why Wow, and he goes he goes. I go. What'll I do tomorrow? He goes do the same thing and I go you're calling it a thing

What is it? What did I do? Yeah? Yeah, and then I started showing up at the club and going okay? Okay, and I had no act no act no And then I came out here and binder Mike binder. I love Mike. I love Mike binder Yeah prolific. He was a great comic but a prolific writer and actor academy award nominated was a minority report. Yes Yeah, and he uh said if you come out to la give me a call and I came out to la I was a binder was in Toronto. He invited you out. He was from Detroit right him and Dave cullier drove up to Dave cullier drove up to yuck yucks to do sets Oh, it's real close to destroy and they saw you I started talking to them and they saw me do a set

Right, and then they said you're really funny if you ever come down to la give me a call Wow, that's how that happened. Yeah, so I came down to la and I called Mike binder and he got me on at the comedy store I went to the comedy store and I did this bullshit nothing Yeah, and there was a guy in the audience his name is george foster and he had a comedy game show called make me laugh And he came up to me and I thought this was so stupid. It's so la he goes you want to do television? And I went yep. Yeah, that's what I've been pursuing and I thought this was a joke And he said come to my office tomorrow the first time I ever was on a lot. It was kt la They were doing a show called make me laugh. Yeah, he'd had me try to make his uh secretary laugh

And I just kept going. Okay. Okay. What? He said that's so funny and he had me in the next day and I didn't understand television I taped five shows in one day right the strip comedy shows and then I went home and I had a great story to tell about my Uh trip to la with no idea. Listen. I was happy. I was making a living. I was engaged to be married. I was uh Uh, and if I could go twice a week to a comedy club and just do this. I'm telling you this was the outlet That's all I needed. I wasn't seeking fame. I wasn't seeking a fortune. Well not through comedy But I wasn't I didn't care about pursuing it But it was fun to do and a great little like somebody wants to get a poker game once a week. This was my thing and uh

When I came back people started seeing the make me laugh shows and I got a call to do mike douglas and merv griffin And I went back and I did the merv griffin show. Wow And it was so much fun. Just to say I did the merv griffin show Yeah, and then I did the merv griffin show and I flew back to toronto in toronto. I get a call. This is the height of Kisses success gene Simmons of kiss Phones me they got my number and he said just saw you merv griffin. I go he goes. You're so funny. I go my god fucking gene Saw me on merv griffin. Yeah, he goes. Would you like to be my girlfriend's opening act and I go. Yes. I don't know what that means

What does it mean? I don't even know what an opening act means. I don't know who his girlfriend I said, who's your girlfriend? He goes. She's right here. She's lying beside me. It's diana ross. Oh, wow He lived with diana ross Wow, and he hired. I wait wait gene Simmons lived with diana ross. Yes. What a combo. Yeah. Yeah, yeah It's kind of hot. Yeah, well she left because he stole all the makeup. So he Where's my lip gloss Anyway, so you opened for diana ross wear Caesar's fucking palace in vegas. Yeah every night the audience hated me the worst fucking

Experience of my life but also the greatest because they would go the lights would go down Right the lights. I'll tell you this story. I've told this I've never heard it. Okay. Let me just ask you this though because I have a couple of questions So um because I know like at that time it's you you still need an act, right? So did you have a I know so you you just did the the the glove thing and you're in that character you did You watch my young comedian special. I love that one. Okay. So on my young comedian special. It was me Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah, I remember Richard Lewis. Wow, harry anderson and it was hosted by the smothers brothers If you watch that special

You you watch that and then tell me if I have any material But it's fun. I have a black head and you put the black head on your right as a kid As a kid when I'm watching that, you know, I don't you're right. I had the intellect of a seven. No, that's not what I'm saying That's exactly that's not what I'm saying. No, that's the fuck up. You're fucking for a second. Wait, you're you're 16 years younger than me. Yeah, so I So how old were you when you saw that because that is 1980 how old are you nine? I was nine years old. Okay. Okay. I'm just trying to get all right. I was nine years old when I saw it

Okay, but still it's like I would still stay up late to watch the tonight show to watch stand-ups I always had a fast I couldn't believe that anybody would walk up on stage And try to be funny. I just thought that was the scariest idea. They were braver than astronauts in my mind, right? That was insane. So when I saw you and I would never laugh at them if I saw the tonight show I would see like, you know, I remember watching in high school before that Blake Clark who's a very funny guy But it's like I just you know, he wore suit and he was all right. You know, I mean, you know, that's what they wanted for that When I came out here. I wanted to do the tonight show when I finally came out. I would audition Ad nauseam over and over again for Jim McCauley. Yeah, and he would go not only are you not getting the tonight show

Yeah, you will never be on the tonight show. This is not your silliness your craziness Is not what Johnny likes. We want that Suit and tie monologues. Yeah, which is great. I can't do that. I don't do that. Yeah, so you never did Johnny No, so what happened was I wanted to do Johnny could never do Johnny and I thought didn't break your heart though Broke my fucking heart and here's what broke my heart At that time that was the litmus test for being able to call yourself a comedian I get it because if you would go up to somebody who's not in this business and they didn't know you and they said What did you do for a living?

You'd say I'm a comedian and they would go well Have you ever been on Johnny if you didn't if you weren't then that's not a legitimate comedian Wow, that's that's how it felt So every comic in the early 80s and the late 70s if you didn't and also the tonight show got legitimacy because They were launching comedians into the stratosphere from, you know, robin williams and billy crystal and anybody who went out The first one that I'm aware of at that time when I was doing it was freddy prince june freddy prince Not june beast freddy prince went on the tonight show not my job man was his thing He did the whole porto rican guy and that's how he got chico in the man. Wow, you know and and you know freddy

I didn't know him. I saw him. He was at the comedy store at the same time and I knew burski Oh, well Alan Burski Alan Burski. Oh, that was his gun No, yeah, didn't you see the movie? No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, so He shot him at three people. So Alan Burski. Mm-hmm had a gun and that's the gun that freddy prince killed himself. Yeah Where did he live together? Yeah Well, Alan Burski and freddy prince lived together. Yeah Alan Burski was the youngest guy at the time to do the tonight show He did the tonight show two three times and he used to buy his his act

You know from the other comics then the next youngest the youngest was byron allen came on Yeah, and out of that even out of that he got which was huge at the time real people Right remember that people. Yeah. Yeah. So if you did that show, not only did you get the legitimacy of being a A stand-up and at that time any tonight show was watched by about 20 30 million people was a normal rating Wow, everybody just tuned into johnny. I mean imagine dude if I did the tonight show back then One time and that would be 10 times bigger than I am now. Absolutely. Yeah one time. Well, look at how crazy is that? louis anderson roseanne bar was seen on that every got the show. Yeah, yeah So, uh, but but the point was he said you'll never do the show because of he said that to your face to my face

Oh, but he was being honest. He said because I was calling him every week. You got to see I got a new bit This could be a bit and I could stretch it. I was desperate At that time. Joan rivers started co-hosting remember when joe rivers It was co-hosting the tonight show before she got her show on fox and that caused but when she chose To do the fox and it caused a rift between them between johnny and her. Yeah, but the thing was that when she co-hosted The ratings were up from johnny because she was a little edgy and she used to talk about very funny How fat elizabeth taylor was nobody nobody talked about that So jone who lived in new york would come into the comedy store on the weeks that she was hosting gonna

guest host the tonight show and would do sets You know, she would do her monologue and try it out in front of the audience at the comedy store Wow, so I knew this so I called mitzi and I said mitzi Put me on she's coming in thursday put me on on the spot right before her spot and mitzi was always nice to me And mitzi put me on the spot right before jone rivers So what happened was I thought I I've been told that i'm never gonna do this again So I might as well try to get on with jone rivers jone rivers has never seen me that morning. I wake up

I have 104 fever. I I felt so fucking sick I go the one time that I got a spot right in june I can't even move and i'm just trying i'm drinking a lot of fluids and things like that And then finally at seven or eight o'clock at night. I go, you know what? I'm just gonna try it and I lived here in the valley I got into my car. I was so fucking dizzy. I thought I was gonna die I was going through laurel canyon and I couldn't you know, I couldn't even see that Everything when lights were coming at me cars coming the other end. I was getting like a blister headache I had a high fever sweat was pouring down. My shirt was soaked. I got to the comedy store

I said, I don't know how i'm gonna do this, but whatever they I I see Joan rivers walk into the place and she's sitting at mitzi's booth And then they go ladies and gentlemen howie mandel and I remember like I didn't think I thought I was gonna fall over on the way To the stage and I went to the stage and I wasn't really that in room The original original. Wow. Yeah, so so I go on stage and you know this no matter how sick you feel You're adrenaline. Well, yeah takes over. Oh, yeah, I didn't feel sick at all And I went on and I had one of the best sets

Silly stuff glove on the head one of the best sets I ever had Yeah, and I killed wow and then I'm walking off at that time at that because I know now We have to bring on the guy, but was there a host at that time? It was yeah, or did you bring up Joan? at that time I can't remember if I brought her up or the piano player. Oh, right Brought her up, but I did cross her in that. You know, you get I love it. Yeah So you get you get off the stage and you walk to the back of the room and that's the same path You walk through the entire audience. Yeah, yeah

Joan passed me on the way up as I was coming down and Joan went you're a very funny man And and I was just I just melted and and then she went on stage So I said, well, the least I can do is just wait till she gets off and maybe I'll make eye contact. So I'm I love I love all these little things because it's like these are little things that I think of too Like, you know, like one time I heard Tarantino was in the audience So I was just like, I'm just gonna sit by like lean against the wall with the bathroom Because maybe he'll go to the bathroom. You know what I mean? But I would do that. That's not really That's my but I do stuff like that. You know in in our mind once he sees you leaning against the wall

You are starring in his next And he'll be on your twisted mind, you don't know. Yeah, no, but he'll be on the tonight show going I saw Bobby Lee. I'm telling you I there was this man leaning against the wall in the dark and that's where That was a seed of the idea. Thank you for the Academy Award. Thank you, Bobby I owe that's all to you from that lean. So anyway that I so I'm waiting for her to finish She kills, you know at that time when the audience saw people who were on tv It was it meant so much more than today, you know, right and and they were screaming and it was electric And then I started I was waiting but as I was waiting the adrenaline was

Flowing out of me and I was starting to feel sick again. So now I went to the just on the outside You know the stairs that go down to sunset boulevard I went through the curtain and I'm just going to wait on the stairs and I'm leaning against the wall now I can't lean against the wall anymore. I slide down the wall and I'm sitting on I'm just leaning against the wall and people are coming out and they're going. What's wrong. I'm just sweating I'm just sitting against the wall and what's what and then she finishes her set And I guess she's talking to every fucking comic in the room and she's talking to mitzi It's like an hour an hour and a half and I now I'm sicker than I was in the morning

I don't think I can get back in the car And she finally comes out of the curtain the curtain parts and she comes out of the curtain and she's at the top of the stairs And I'm lying on the stairs Virtually lying on the stairs and she looks down at me and she goes You were so Funny and I heard her but I went what? No, you're a very Funny man. Have you ever been on the tonight show and I said

That's my birthday this week. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What was it your birthday? I don't think That's so good. You know, have you ever done the tonight show? It's my birthday this week Is the best so she gave me a number. I'll never forget. I called this guy billy samath. Yeah Do you know who billy samath? No, did you see the documentary about jone rivers? No. Oh, yeah. Yes. We did It's amazing beautiful sad. Yeah poignant wonderful billy is the guy that ended up quitting being her manager and became a barista Yeah, I know him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah He also managed to share and dolly parton. Anyway, I I uh

I called him in the morning and he said jone loved you. Can you do the tonight show this thursday? I figure I was never gonna do it. So I go there and I was like a fucking kid in a candy store I mean, I saw doc sevrenson and I saw ed mcman and I saw the studio and the band even though it was her I heard And that was that on every night in my parents. I said, this is the fucking dream I've died and gone to heaven. Wow. This is great. I did a shot with her And it went great and I thought if I never do anything else, I could kill killed and and I said if I never do it again It doesn't matter. I could say to everybody in the street when they go. Have you been on the tonight show? That doesn't matter

That was thursday Friday morning. I get a call from Jim McCauley, you know, he was the booker that said i'll never do it And he said johnny was watching last night He thinks you're hysterical and wants me to book you for next week. Wow. I went. Are you fucking? Wait, wait, wait. Goosebumps second goosebumps. Not a rash second. I can vouch you vouch real goosebumps Did I mean this bro? I mean, I'm sorry, but these things that you're saying to me right now, right is what I live for You ever since I started stand up, right? You're 95

Just you know, I remember one time I was at the comedy store I was a doorman and Don Marrera came he wasn't performing was performing a corporate But he came and told stories like till three in the morning in the fucking um the showroom It's with the employees and comics and stuff. Yeah, and it's just this is what I I Love this shit, man. Me too. Yeah, me too. So especially when it happens to you. Yeah Exactly, exactly. So I you know the next week I was going to do the tonight show and I with with johnny. Wow And I was so amazed um, you know, if you if you pull it up, I'll talk about this moment because it's great Yeah, pull it up. So uh first tonight show appearance, but three howie mandel 3d glasses on tonight show

Okay, I'll you have it. Oh, there it is. There it is. Okay, so that's the oh Okay, this is like at the beginning. I'm carrying the thing in my lap is my handbag. It's in the shape of a hand Handbag. Yeah, Jim Macaulay was so nervous, you know, because what I learned is these bookers Almost have more at stake than you do because even if you do great If you do great johnny goes up to him and goes, oh my god great book and jim. Yeah, you did great If you die, he goes up to him and goes, why the fuck would you book him? So they were always trying to second-guess the host the bookers didn't book what they liked They book what they think johnny was like. Yes

And not only in an only johnny not necessarily the audience because I kept saying well, listen to the audience the audience Even if johnny doesn't like me can't I be on because the audience laughs So he said listen and then he started micromanaging. I don't know if you ever he he started saying What's the set gonna be and I had to go over each question in every word and which is really hard It's so hard for me Especially what and also for you because they're not jokes. Yeah There are things that you talk about like even my glove if somebody hadn't seen me I remember I got thrown off a dick Clark show because he goes

We needed a big closing joke from you and I go well, I'm gonna close with pulling glove on your head He goes I haven't seen you yet, son. What is the closing? I said, I'll put a rubber. I put a rubber surgical glove on my head and I pop it off and the audience loves it and he says why He goes why that's no, we would need a joke at the end. Yeah, we need a joke. I go that's it. I swear to you It's a joke. I swear to you. He goes. I don't get the fucking joke You're gonna put a rubber glove on your head and then it's gonna pop off and why will they laugh and I said I don't know But I do it. Yeah, you just know. Yeah, you just know

So they canceled me from that. Wow. But but anyway, so he was going after like whatever questions I asked whatever things and we're gonna, you know, this is set up. It was all gonna be panel Yeah, it's all gonna be set up. So then I said, you know what? I'm here I'm never gonna be here again I didn't like the way the way he was designing what I was doing. Yeah, didn't feel Solid to me didn't feel like it felt like somebody fucking with my own heart. Yeah, you know what? I mean, I know how I want to do it and I know how I deliver and I know what order

It makes sense to me and and you're fucking it up. Yeah So I'm gonna do one thing Just for me and if this one thing for me Doesn't work I go down in flames and I got to do it. I still get to say I did the tonight show. So after I had done all my Prepared stuff. Yeah, I said Johnny you want to see something and he goes. Yeah I go, do you like 3d movies and I could see out of that. He was at the end of the cow Jimmy Collie's going what I don't know what this is

So I pulled out those stupid cardboard 3d glasses and I said put these on this is amazing And he's going. Okay. Okay. What is it and this I reached into my handbag Yeah, and I pull out a little stuffed animal. Yeah, and I take it as hard as I can and I whip it in his face Oh my god Wait, wait. Yeah, that's wait. Wait, wait, wait You're not scared. It might hurt him or totally Nobody it's so brave Or it's stupid. It's kind of there is a thin line. It is kind of stupid though. I would have done it

If I thought about it, I wouldn't have done it I made the decision and then I don't go back on my decisions and I said yes to myself Okay, and I didn't say no. So what happened? So from the moment that hit his face Yeah Well for the moment I reached it in the bag and grabbed whatever it was I was throwing to the time I throw it in my mind I think you can play it's on tape. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it it it seemed like two hours I know it would just be like this bunny or whatever, but I had this job And I would just say after it hit him and he reacted he actually

Kicked the fucked up the punchline because he did the punchline. He goes, this is amazing It was my punchline. Doesn't it look like it's coming right at you? Oh, right? You know it was it was just a joke, but he fell off his seat laughed so hard and that was the first set I ended up doing 22 tonight shows with johnny. I did them with I did them with gary shanling and I did them more with the other guest hosts But I did 22 with him from that moment that you're watching right now So that could have gone down the toilet right now after that jim right? Did he yell at you afterwards or no? No, he thought it was amazing. I'll tell you I ended up losing my time on the so after 22 episodes

Put up the picture of howie mandel on the tonight show Uh with uh tiger saber-tooth tiger. Is there a picture? Yeah, yeah There's got to be a picture Do you see it? Yeah, there it is first top left there click on that actual So Okay, I'll tell you about this. Okay. So this is the last time I did it with johnny Wait, wait. What I see is a carrot. Yeah on top of a saber-tooth tiger giant saber-tooth. Yeah, but it's like a fake one

Obviously the carrot or the tiger both okay Yeah, okay, so this is this is it's not it doesn't start off funny But um, I became the preferred guest like any comic anytime somebody was out. They would call me He trusted me. I could do whatever I want and this day Sammy davis jr. Was supposed to be the lead guest on that day. He got diagnosed with cancer At at two o'clock in there at two o'clock in the afternoon

So jim called me and said you got to do us the biggest favorite. This is an hour before He says you got to come down and fill in. We don't have a lead guest We just lost sammy you got to come on and I said to be honest with you I'm at layered studios down in by the mj. I'm there. I'm doing a movie and I'm off in now I'm just getting wrapped But I have nothing I can't do it and he goes, please. I beg you. I beg you I said, you know, you're begging me and you guys have been good to me. I've been there like 30 times already

I'll do it. But on one condition the condition is I don't have time to go over material I'm gonna Just rack my brain right now and whatever I come up with you got to accept and he goes, I love you Howie, I love you. You got to do that. Okay. So I walk into the I'm on at the studio and I walk into the prop department Yeah, and in the prop department, there's this giant saber-tooth tiger And I said, uh, how much would it cost for me to take that saber-tooth tiger just for an hour put it on a dolly

And deliver it to burbank studios Oh, and he goes, I'll do that for $500. I go, you got it. We're gonna do that and I need it going now You got to put that on a thing and then I just turned to my right and there's a giant carrot And I said, can you tie that carrot on top of the saber-tooth tiger? And he goes For an extra hundred dollars. I go, that's that's worth it. Yeah, so I for $600 He ties this carrot onto the saber-tooth tiger onto that dolly. Yeah I swear to god, it was just random. It's kind of like you think, you know, it was just random

I had no idea and I deliver that to burbank Jim calls me and says, what are you going to do with it? And I said, I don't know, please jim You know, yeah, so what happens is I had been on 30 times and I hear him introducing me and they go ladies and gentlemen Howie Mandel and uh The curtain opens and the audience is applauding and I come out and I'm pulling that saber-tooth tiger On the dolly and I can hear the audience is applauding. I get to that where his desk is is a riser Yeah, you know, it's like there's the main floor where the band is and this is this whole thing

The desk and the couches are on a riser. I get to the riser and the dolly stops at the riser So now I turn around and I'm trying to lift the head of the saber-tooth tiger get that the front The front tires onto the onto the riser at this time. It's an eternity. There's no more applause. They're just waiting So so then I say to doc doc can you give me a hand doc puts down his trumpet And he walks over and he's behind me. I said, what do you want? I said like push with push and then I called Ed McMahon I said lift it's an eternity probably three minutes, but three minutes of television on the tonight show Death, not only that At that time the way they have their cameras set the cameras were all when I finally got it up on not there

But at the beginning onto the riser all the cameras were blocked So you can hear on the headsets of the cameraman from the the fuck is that? It's chaos that's chaos and they're shooting down the cameras are good. What what? My phone said something it said it's having trouble hearing me. What is my iPhone have to hear? You're with me all day. I'll tell you later everything that I said yeah, anyway, so And they're going crazy and everything it took an eternity. I'm sweating Ed is sweating Doc severance in his sweating and then I finally got it in and I probably spent four minutes of what was going to be a six minute

Segment and it's blocked and I finally sit down and I'm sweating there And you could tell just by look at the body language of Johnny. Does he look thrilled? No No, he's it's just been an eternity of nothing and then he he's tapping his Pencil and he goes and then I just sat down. I didn't say anything and he's tapping his pencil and he goes Okay Okay, he goes What? What is this and I go, please Johnny, I don't want to talk about this

He goes Really I said I'll talk about anything else. It's just nice something that's really personal to me and I don't want to talk And then he asked me I could see he was mad and he gave me like a look He asked me like one or two questions and I I realized like I'm in trouble Yeah, so I answered those questions. He said we'll be back right after this now. I was supposed to do two segments Oh, no, he didn't say a word to me the next I can't remember who it was Connie Stevens or whatever ladies and gentlemen Connie Stevens They they took that away and they moved me down the couch and I got a call from jim saying he never wants you on the show again

Oh, and that was my last time on the show Wow Is that a happy ending good run though? 22 22. It's a great run. It's a good way to end too. It's a good way to end kind of poetic Actually, it's the the only way you know, I got thrown off of the Letterman show too 15 years Wow, but he had me back eventually when he was on CBS at the Ed Sullivan, but when he was on NBC late night Yeah, I always liked that. That's why I love you your kind of comedy

I went to New York and I was on Letterman Yeah, and I sat down and I said it's great being here in New York I have so many friends here. Can I say hi to one of my friends? Yeah, and he said yeah, so I left I Went to say hi really that's funny never came back. You know out of the I've been 50 years old I've never been on any of those shows Which one? I did J. Leno one time. Yeah, it's the only talk show I've ever done. Have you pursued it?

I'm not gonna call pursue. What they call the difference is no Nobody calls you in life Whatever is in your mind. Yeah, just do it just the Nike has the best philosophy Just do it if you want to do that, then you should have your Agents Call and say you have if that's something you want to do. I don't think it has the same weight It doesn't it doesn't so it doesn't really matter. I think I think talk shows are kind of very 80s now Yeah, even when you watch them. They don't mean anything unless you want to do so

I think I when I did J. Leno, right? I he called me over the couch. I had a great couch segment And then I remember the next day waking up and no one called No one's ever mentioned it ever Well, you just did I know I just did but no in terms of like no like what johnny, you know johnny You like you it changes your life to me. We don't have that anymore. Yeah, it was nothing It was like nothing so I'm it doesn't matter

But if it's a personal need, it's not a no, it's not a need I mean you do movies and you do tv you could have a publicist call and say I don't want to I'm fine I'm this is fine. No, but you're saying you're fine I don't need to do it Okay, highway. Listen. I do the opening again. Are we doing the opening again? Howie there's just so many things I wanted to talk to you about but it's like it's It's hard to talk to you because your girlfriend just won't shut the fuck up But like I wanted to talk about america got talent all this stuff, but

Um, we don't have to come you don't have to come back. Yeah, I can tell how busy you are You got to go got to cut this. No, it's not that it says that we only do an hour. No, I know That's what the fucking podcast is. I know But I said I don't come here. I said I would only show up if we did 90 minutes. You lie But um, uh, no, do we have another segment man? No, it's okay. Yeah. Yeah We do a thing at the end called unhelpful advice. Okay, the people email us Problems. All right, and we answer them. Okay. Okay Am I doing that? No, he's got it. Do you want me to leave the room? Is that what?

No, no, no, you're gonna help. Do you want to skip this and ask about america's got talent? No, let's do like no, I'll answer whatever the problem is. Listen to me Wait, how he was really depressed when he came back from doing your podcast because he said shin lim didn't know who he was Oh, that's what I want. Yes, he did He didn't know who I was. He couldn't hear me. He was backstage at the show shinlin didn't know who I was man. He does Should we call him? He came up to me at agt. You know, he was just at agt. He googled me afterwards What? Yeah, so this is what happened. Just tell me. I'm not dumb. Do you want me to call shinlim?

No, I don't know I want to know Don't make it weird man. Do you have his number here? Oh my god. That's called shinlim I'm sweating now. We're have jason. It's your most favorite guy on earth. But what am I gonna do before we do this? Listen rich and how he honestly look at me right now Before we do this. What is the point of calling him? To say hi to tell him that you're upset that he didn't know who you were Yeah, but if you're saying to me right now that he did know, why do we need to call him? I believe you

But you you'll really you're you'll hear him say it I know but what because you were really bummed when you came home. You're telling me that you felt bad I didn't think you felt bad. No, it's not bummed. Okay. It's just that you tell her what the context was. I like magical asian Did you tell her? I'm a big magical asian. Did you tell her what the context was? The amount of times that he's forced me to watch just eight hours of shinlims. So good though Is um, so do you guys role play when you're fooling around? Does he pretend he's shinlim? We don't do magic. We do like colonial role play. We do a lot of ghost stuff

Like he just passes away. I'm gonna haunt your vagina Yeah, we like that What do you mean ghost stuff? Yeah paranormal um role play. Yeah, if like I'm I died like I was like, you know, let's say we're she lives in a new house and this is my wife's phony 1896 I gotta take this. Hello I'm at bobby lee's garage Do you want me to put I'll put you on speaker I said no, this is my wife Tara. Hi Tara

Hi, how you doing? Good. I love you I love you too. Thank you. I'm leaving howie for you. I just was calling to tell him that I'm here. Uh, how do you pronounce your name? Kaleila. Kaleila. Kaleila. Kaleila. He's a beautiful Girlfriend here and they do a paranormal role play I'm a ghost. She's in a new house. I'm haunting the house and then we make love Can we do like Casper? Like Casper? Yeah, but more aggressive. But do you have a Uh, no, are you really doing haunted love or are you doing like Hasidic Jews where you just take a sheet and you put holes in? No, no, no, no, we don't do that. We maybe we don't do we don't wear outfits. Can I hunt you tonight, honey?

That's how she says yes, please do me. I'll go always. That's her begging So let's not call here's what here's the deal. Okay If you could help me get shinlim on this podcast, I think that would be good We'll ask him now. Yeah, I can ask. All right. Fuck it. All right. Let's do it get him But if he doesn't pick up we're stopping and we're gonna go to unhelpful advice. When did we do my podcast? How long ago? Like three weeks ago a month ago a month ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay Because I'm gonna tell shin we're still doing it. I'll tell him it's the same podcast I'm still here with Bobby Lee. We've been waiting for you to call back

Back Hmm here he is hi shin howie mandel again. Are you busy? He's busy. He's busy He's walking or you're walking to the mirage If it's a mirage, you'll never get there. See what I did there I'm still with I'm still with Bobby Lee. You remember last time I called You know what he told me he's I'm doing his podcast right now His girlfriend just told me that he was very depressed that you didn't know who he was. Do you know who Bobby Lee is?

Yeah, yeah, he knows your name. Yeah, he didn't he's too young to watch Yeah, yeah, I get it the other stuff, but he's a he's your biggest fan I love that magical asians tell him that he says he loves magical asians. Is that okay for me to say? That's what he no, but I said that he's he said it. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, yeah here that's he just you would tell him so shin I like magical asians Oh, thank you. Thank you very much Bobby So shin I know you've heard of my name But the thing is is if you ever in Los Angeles, please do my podcast because I have a huge audience and they would love you

Okay, okay Thank you so much for letting me know that. Okay. Thank you. Okay. Okay. Thank you. No, but do is do his podcast I'm telling you it's huge. You look it up the tiger belly. Yeah. What what are you saying? Oh, yeah His best. He knows this his best friend works for us too sometimes your best friend works jason jason You know jason Yeah, jason nilkin look how familiar he is with his best friend. So how do you feel better? Okay? Anyway, I love you, buddy. Bye shin Oh, you just

He's crossing the street you just killed shin lamp Now you just fucking killed I'm gonna tell you right now He was walking to the mirage now you heard the screech and the now everyone in the room Do you believe now? Do you believe my what I'm saying? I do. Thank you so much. He doesn't know I am He's heard of my name. That's like saying hey, do you know chad norris? Yeah, I've heard of him I'm the name. I don't know what he does, but I've heard of those. I don't nobody. I'm just making it up, right? So you're saying that you are the chad norris of shin lim universe

No, no, what I'm there's chad norris. He's an author author, right? Oh signs and wonder yeah Yeah, he he wrote vice versa, right, which is the same book as the first one except backwards You know, Robert E. Lee the general One of my favorite generals Robert E. Lee Robert E. Lee, right? Yeah, so he you know, he's heard of Robert Lee, right? So in his head, it's like oh, I've heard a minute. That's not you. It doesn't matter. He's heard of the name Right, but he doesn't know who I am. Nobody is mixing you up with Robert E. Lee Nobody I know he's young, but they don't do you're from the isn't that from the civil war. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I'm not american and I know that yeah

But um, he doesn't know I am and it's like and that's what I'm saying Oh, no, look at the comforting that's going on. I'm saying you heard him. Oh, he's like, what? Oh, yeah Why are you feeding into his insecurity? Well, it's just because the obsession runs so deep And I don't think it's an insecurity as much as it's just a A sadness. Yeah, and an acceptance. It's an acceptance with that sadness. So I'm okay with that It's like we're all speaking our truth Yeah, yeah

It's it's it's like this One time I always hear people say that I don't know what that means. This is my truth I'm a big fan of this band called the pixies. I know the pixie. Okay. So when I first met Joey Santiago the guitarist, right? See and I didn't know the guitarist name is Joey Santiago, but I know the pixie. Yeah, so when I first met Joey though, I was like It'll be really heartbreaking For some reason if he just didn't know who I was and I don't want him to treat me just like this fan, right? Which would have been okay anyway, but it's like when I go what's up on Bobby? He's like, I'm a huge fan. I'm a huge fan. You know what I mean? And we were able to be friends

We exchanged numbers. We're good friends now. You know, we talked to each other. That's what I wanted out of shin But it's like, you know, it's not like that and that's fine. I wanted an Asian brotherhood I wanted a magical Asian brother Instead. Yeah, your neurosis got him hit by a car and killed He didn't die. Well, I don't know. Yeah Yeah, I want to maybe it was and I have some America got talent question. Why can't we solve other people's problems? Yeah, let's do that. Yeah I hope I'm hopeful about with Bobby Kalila and Howie Mandel

I'm a 22 year old male listener currently studying. You realize that's the same person The announcer of this segment is the same person reading you changed your voice. Oh No, I just thought that was amazing make it seem like it's more I used to when I had the carpet business when I started the carpet business. No, I used to answer the phone warehouse Oh, let me Is that my wife again? Was acting And you know, okay, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hello

Hello. Hey, is this Bobby? Yeah Hey, uh, my Jason texted me your number. Okay. Who is this? Oh, this is shin Okay, okay Shit Now this is great. I was just complaining about how I mean, but now that I have your number Right. I'm so excited. Right. I just want to let you know, okay that I'm sorry for being weird But I just I I honestly I watch your videos 10,000 times a day

Right. I watch your moves. I'm a huge fan. I think you're just magical and I think you're asian and everything I Yeah, yeah, and I really love you. So I you know one day, you know me It's just a dream of mine to have you on my podcast if you're ever in LA. Okay Wow, okay fly out. Thank you so much, man. All right. Thank you for calling. I have your this is your number This is my cell. Yeah. Okay. Good. I'm gonna save it. This is magical. Thank you. Oh, no, of course. Thank you. Thank you Bye shin Okay, yeah, wow

I want to get in touch with that jew I want a magical a magical jew. All right. So now that will get i'm sweating now. Wow, you got yeah Who cares? We're not gonna do that. Fuck that now. Yeah. Fuck the fuck up now. No, no, what are we not doing? We're not doing that. Your mouth got so wet. Yeah, you like started foaming. You're foaming at the mouth. I think I have a gay fantasy Honestly, I have to admit. I think I have a gay fantasy because my body got physically sexual. We all saw it And I I will tell you this if you fuck. I'm don't mess his hair I know I would never touch his hair, but I think I have problems. So I'm just gonna sweat that Okay, everything's fine. Wow. So now I want to know how that isn't how to drop the mic end of the show

Yeah, thank you Let's just end it. I think that was perfect. All right. So, um, howie, thank you for being one of my best for my favorite people in the whole world And thank you for taking your time with the temi chi coming here and I'm just I get flustered, but um, dude I love your podcast with your daughter Yeah, howie mandel does stuff wherever podcasts are available and As of next week at two other places. Wow Yeah And we just uh, I'm not tooting my horn. Yeah, we are number 30 in Croatia

Wow, that's amazing. That's amazing. Yes. I am too. So that's it howie mandel does stuff It's amazing. I've done the podcast. Yeah, I had a blast doing it. Yeah, I like your son. He's very thick Yeah, yeah, yeah You said that It's not it's not a derogatory thing. I just think he's thick Yeah, well, this is because on my office and my podcast is a glory hole. Yeah. Yeah He hasn't seen my whole son. Yeah Oh, that's okay. That's true. That's true. But also your daughter's super sweet and cute and fun and um,

It's just I just honestly dude. I like your studio. I like everything here. Anyway, thank you. Let's go Hey Prime members, you can listen to tiger barely ad free on amazon music download the amazon music app today Or you can listen ad free with wondery plus in apple podcast Before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey