TigerBelly - Ep 352: Bert Kreischer & Who Is Bobby Lee?

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

Bobby lives east of the Shire. Bert was Gandolph. Khalyla crosses eyes and locks eyes. We talk hating Santa Claus, a free facial in Hungary, making caviar in the apocalypse, and a London comedy scene comeuppance.  TigerBelly Live Tickets legaci.shop/tigerbellySee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly add free on Amazon music download the app today Though the compliment I get really the most is the cabin Can I tell you as it as of late? I I I? Because they we did it in the pandemic. Yeah, and it aired in the pandemic We never had a chance of doing a second season. Oh, yeah, because it was it was in pandemic They weren't making anything it would be so expensive to make that show I would reach out I was thinking about reaching out to Netflix and doing a second season You have to doing with the same cast members like doing with you guys again

Yeah, and then doing it like I wanted to do it on a boat. Oh, that'd be great It's that cabin like we all get a luxury yacht go down. Yeah, I don't think LeVar likes me that much, so oh LeVar what's his name? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no keep guessing black. Oh my god No, no, wait, wait Ian no not Ian no, no, no, no, no, no, no, what's the name? No, his name is um Dave Dimitris. Well Dimitris Johnson the MMA fighter. Hey, babe. Come on in. Hey, we're guessing black people's name Odell what the fuck Darnell Darnell Rawlings. It's Donnell. It's Donnell Rollins. I Forgot his name. I call them LeVar bird

I'm like LeVar Burton. Yeah Because I love Star Trek next generation. Yeah, that's the same guy. It's I think it's the same guy Yeah, with the data. Yeah, I think that's the same guy ready rainbow. Yeah rainbow rainbow And he also did up the Kuntekintes No, yeah, he was Kuntekintes. He was Am I saying it the wrong way? Yeah, fabulously. At least I'm not saying Jody With Kuntekinte a real guy. Yeah in real life. Oh, yeah, he was like the most like he was like he's like the most famous slave The most influencer slave. He was he was a big influencer

Dude, if he had Instagram back then he would have like a million followers, you think You know, that was like a big game changer for white people. How did it hit the Asian community? What roots? It not at all At all They don't know what you mean ginger. I love ginger root It was a big deal for I remember my family sitting around watching it roots. Yeah Really cuz no, I wasn't a big deal because no one There was no one talked about racism and no one talked about black

Why am I a white guy talking about roots? I'm out You get internet you bag of cunts. I'm out. No, what about roots? It was let me just say it was a weekly television event. Yes, because back then they didn't have blue range like that Yeah, and it was streaming see how many downloads it got not down So every week you would go it's Thursday Roots is on no, I don't think everyone was like I can't wait to see them hobble this slave I think that's the big thing is they ran away. Yeah, they cut off half his foot. No. Oh, yeah

That was and by the way, it shined a light on slavery I think most people don't even know if we learned much about slavery before then it was like, oh, yeah And then they were slaves But you know what we're all good now and then when roots came out it shined a very honest light on what? What slavery was and I think most white people didn't think about it and it was a really big deal. It was like The biggest I watched it again. I watched it again recently. Yeah, and my takeaway was like slavery was like 150 years ago. Yeah, oh, that's that's not Yeah, and then you go. I remember being like holy sh I remember why we I watched it when the girls

I think we watched it with the girls When they were like 10 and 7 roots. Yeah, that's what I watched it though. Oh, yeah, it's good Did you and your family went watch Alma Stud as well? No, but I read memos of a geisha. I know you're not Japanese I did read it. You read it. I read it. Why? Did you masturbate to it? No, no, no, I was going through a Because white dudes love concave buns. No, no, you don't like concave as I've never been into Asian chicks I know that sounds oh shit. Now we're going down a path. I've never been but I never I Don't know the right way to say this try to I've only fucked around with white chicks my whole life

Oh, well only been with six people women. I'm saying people a curiosity for outside of white I never met I just wasn't like I lived a pretty white life. Like I went to an all-boys Catholic high school There was I dated some Cuban chicks mostly and then a couple rednecks and then I was out Never dated a black chick. I hooked up with a black chick once. Have you seen a Asian woman's vagina live? Not alive live like like why would it be dead? No, but he Magazine I've seen on a hustler, but I'm just saying in real life. Oh, I don't know. I haven't you've never seen it Wow Very tight

There's a loose of vaginas that Asian women have why wouldn't they? They queen in everything. Oh, yeah, it's fully functional. Yeah, yeah, yeah Asian women have cuter queef. So it goes like this That's a lie And it does a little giggle When an Asian woman, you know, I'm Asian and my cleaves do not sound like that. You're half though You're half white. So yeah, are you half white? Yeah, and you're Filipino. Yeah, I didn't realize Filipino was Asian for a long time I just thought of Spanish. Oh, because there's so every name This was the back when I used to do jokes like this every time you met like a Filipino person in audience

They always had the whitest names. Yeah, except for you. Yeah. Yeah, but they really do. It's like Reginald. Yeah Joe Coy And and so and so but but the am I correct in saying Philip the language sounds kind of Spanish Yeah, so my dialect, I don't speak Tagalog. I speak Bessiah and a lot of our words are in fact still Spanish like All of our months of the year the days of the week the numbers like plates spoons fork. It's all still Spanish. Yeah Is it okay? This is a weird question. First off, I love Joe Coy before I start this. Okay Do you ever as a person as a comment as everything? Do you ever as a Filipino person? Do you ever just go watch Joe and you're like, I get it

You're Filipino like I never thought about it, I see it a lot and now I feel like I know more about Filipino people because of Joe, right? Yes, but and I think it's more on my radar than it ever was But it's I wonder if I had a friend who was white and constantly talked about being white I'd be if I'd be like we get it. You're white. He so he He has something that He's Defend him real quick

He's our friend Well, when you are When you are a mixed kid, you're often mistaken for everything, but what you are including me, right? So I've been called, you know Portuguese Cuban like whatever it is and never Filipino and never white So it's almost Stanley Tucci Stanley Tucci Italian people call you Stanley So I think that's where it comes from the need to be like, you know what like this is what I am before you start Guessing because the guessing game is awkward for me. Oh It's like, you know that you know, why people do that we're trying we're trying to connect

Really, we really are like it's we do I don't do it anymore, but uh, but we're trying to connect idea I take it back. I did it last night last night a Greek woman and I and I spoke sort of speaking Spanish to her She goes I don't speak Spanish And I went you don't speak Spanish your accent's so thick though. She goes it's Greek and I went no He was like, oh, yeah, and I was like, yeah, this is I'm just gonna get drunk and fucking never mind I'm gonna defend Joe Corey real quick, too. I'm not attacking Because in the 90s one because I met Joe Um, the first year I did stand up in 1995. Yeah, we met at an open mic. He had hair

He had like we don't call his hair look like he had like curly hair It glasses. Yeah, he looked like a nerd, but you could tell that he was something, you know And um, we met and it's like at that time there were no Asians doing it We were the only ones. Yeah, and so we were almost like forced to do talk about To make us seem different because there was another comedian named Mark Fernandez that we know, right? Who refused? Yeah, hold on. That's that's your boy. Hold on. Yeah, hold on. Yeah Don't easy he does looks so much better without hair

He looks yeah, I know is this just a picture is a picture. It's a picture. Yeah If you grew that out, it'd be curly really. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I met him also another I'd like to finish my point though. Let me finish my finish my point That let me say that again. Let me finish my point So we were forced to do it. Yeah, because it's like Mark Fernandez Refused to he was a Filipino guy and we're like, how come you don't do accents and time goes I'm above that I don't want to do it, right and Mark didn't have the kind of career really at all And we did because I think we played into that whole thing

But now when I still do it, I still do it. I'm not as much as Joe, but I still go any Asians here and I feel My heart drop. Yeah, I'd love to go guilty. I hear what you're saying. Yeah, like I Also like to add one more thing to defend Joe Shit I'm such a colonizer. Yeah big colonizer energy So what Joe Koi does is I am proud I am Filipino I'm one half Filipino, but fuck it I take ownership of this identity and it's a great thing to be Filipino which a lot of Filipinos don't often feel

So I think that he does a good job in a lot of white comics and make fun of them and they push them Why does he have to do that? They bring up? Entei millions of millions of Filipino people so it's like I should call him. Yeah, yeah, call him on the phone Yeah He's not gonna pick up he won't pick up I guarantee you he won't pick up but let's try to face time Yeah, he's not gonna pick up. That's what his hair. What oh He almost looks younger without hair. Yeah, he does he just turned 53. Oh my god He did. Yeah, I just saw it. I saw it on on

Chelsea's thing Chelsea was doing a big thing Some younger like everyone in her family dates Filipino people. That's what I heard. Yeah I don't yeah And so she was and Betty she was like happy birthday He's not gonna pick up a wonderful pickup from me. I'm gonna pick up. Oh If you if you face for time and he picks up for you It's gonna break my heart and then I'm gonna go. He's FaceTiming. Oh, there he is Hi

Hi, so I'm with Bert Hi, Chelsea Chelsea handler. Hi Hey, hi, Joe. Are they on a yacht? Hi, Bobby. Are you guys on a yacht or a spaceship? What the fuck is that? We're in a spaceship test. It's uh, you know Oh really you guys gay now Are you guys are you gay now? I've always been kind of gay. Exactly So, um, Bert's been ripping on you. No, hold on. That's not what happens though. Fuck him FaceTiming. I'm FaceTiming him right now

Yeah, yeah, Joe's been no ripping on you. Joe Turn the phone around. Yeah. Yeah. He's a fucking liar. You can't trust Koreans. They fuck everyone Yeah, yeah, he's been kind of ripping on you. So it's As long as Bert's wearing fucking flip-flops, I can't take anything he says to you Tell her tell her I'm not just wearing flip-flops. I'm wearing my flip-flops. He's wearing his brand of flip-flops, which is sad I'll send you one pair. Chelsea goes barefoot. I love you, Joe. I just want to let you know that Bert's not saying good things All right, that's a lie. I love you Oh well

Bert, I noticed your pedicure you're into pedicures. Uh, yeah, we have always I've been into him for a long time Mostly it was fun. It's just fun to do with my daughters It's fun and I really like I have mine done too. I saw your nails done. I could see I got my nails done and my feet done Yeah, oh, so you got your let's start let's start the introduction though, because we I don't like we haven't even introduced I don't know any oh, no, this is cool. I'm just for everybody. No, yeah, I love it Oh He's in town and ready to go

Bobby Lee, you know what my um, you know how my penis used to smell what it like Remember because my penis. I know what the fucking problem was What a beastie Sorry, no, my penis used to smell because I for some reason the skin around the actual stem of it Has grown and so it covers it like it's not circumcised And it it collects like a smell, you know, I mean when it's tucked in the head's tucked in So what I've been doing lately every hour and I now it's I just kind of Re-untuck it

Oh, so you god gave you back your foreskin. Yeah a little no I have to redo it constantly, but my penis smells fine now Anyway, what we got kalilah in the room. We got gilbert gibble gilbert. We've got george george george We've got this cute guy right here. What's his name again? Pedro pete pete pete pete pete And we've got one of my favorite people in the whole world Um, he is one of the best stand-ups in the world. Um, when I was in budapest, hungry There was a fan remember I I was do you remember I called you? Yeah, I do So I was in a um, you know, like I it was like a facial place

And you know in budapest and some guy was talking to me because I was getting my facial And he goes so you do Go on my day. I go. Yeah, he goes. I never heard of you And I go, oh, that's fine. Do you know bro krasher? And I go. Yeah, he's a good friend of mine. He goes. No, you don't know him You don't know him, right? I go. I know him and I and I fucking FaceTimed him And I fucking he picked up and it and I got the fucking facial for free Yeah, so I showed it to fuck the guy

Right, and then they we talked they talked a little bit and then he was starstruck I'm imagining me on the other side of the world liking somebody and then some guys sitting you're saying I fucking know him It was like the best Hollywood shit, right? And you fucking gave me a free facial, bro. So give him a round Bert krasher. Yeah, yeah, right. Sure. So um, you're making fun of my um gaming. No, no, no No, yeah, you were I'm sure there's a big swath of America that goes I farm for real Well, did you do you know the premise of stardew valley now like well, no, I know I know the premises I know what premise I know is that uh, bobby He bobby's trying to stay sober and so he just disappears and into a farm

For 12 hours and farms on a video game. Yeah, which on paper sounds absolutely crazy Yeah, but I know the feeling like so my addiction isn't oddly enough with alcohol and drugs It is with food and it's with video games like video games I'm not allowed to play because I get so into them Everything washes away and and the last game I was allowed to play. I bought a switch. I bought two switches Oh, nice. Um, stardew's on switch stardew valley's on switch I can't do it. Okay, because I I disappear. Okay. So my wife I had tiger. I was really into tiger woods golf Really? Yeah, yeah, so fucking I mean like you have no idea how in the tiger woods golf I was yeah

And my wife came home from work and I was playing tiger woods golf and both girls were in the house There were babies and I wasn't paying attention to them and they were and my wife's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, huh? And she took the plug away And and then got a ride a psps took the plug away from that So you're never allowed to play video games and I I was so into tony hawks skater I love I was so into it. I would see rails and I go. Oh, I'd love to fucking hit that rail. Yeah, yeah, yeah I don't even skateboard really and I was like I could kick flip that rail side down it fucking pop off doing ali Yeah, oh man. I oh look at that light thing. I could run all those lights all the way across

I started looking at things in real life. Yeah fantasizing about them in this make believe life that I was living yeah, and and It's such a great way to shoot because what all you want to do is shut your brain off Because I don't want my brain to talk to me and so video games. Oh, I did it today. I told you I woke up with a searing panic attack and blood pressure 160 over 100 and I'm that's not good and uh, what's mine, babe You've gone a little bit better. You're under 120 now, but your diastolic is still a little high But have I ever gone to 160? Yes, you have you've been up to the 180s. Yeah Okay, so in 160s like that's that's not good. Yeah. Yeah, and so normally my blood pressure is 127 over 75

which is fine, but uh And I've been working out hard, but I had two days of hard partying and today I was like I need something and I got into my phone and I got on tiktok And I just started scrolling to shut my brain off Just to shut my go into this search and find something usually it's like surfing or disc golf And I just start scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and then I calm down and I'm like, okay Bert, why don't you try fucking meditation? I can't do it. Yes, you can. Nope. I'll tell you what you do Uh, you ready ready? I'm asian. I know I do the calm app

I do the calm app and I close my eyes and I wait for for someone to smack me And then I'm going someone's walking in the room right now. Someone's walking in the room Yeah, someone's gonna slap me in the face. Someone's gonna throw water on me like I don't have that But you're already going it's going against what fucking meditation is Those thoughts of someone's gonna smack me someone's gonna pee you do it pee on it pee on your face You think people are gonna pee on your face? No, I don't think so. Okay. That's what I think. Okay Because I've always your fear because I've always your fear. Oh, all right. Yeah, always pissed off. Yeah

Yeah, but why don't you do this one of the most valuable things my therapist ever said was you don't need to close your eyes to meditate Because I had that same fear. I had a very distrust of my surrounding Yeah, so she was like just sit in place and have a focus a very soft focus on something and start there You don't have to have because sometimes that throws me into a panic panic attack When my eyes are closed and all of a sudden I'm like awake to the world and it's overstimulated But what you do what you do what you do what you do is this okay? You close your eyes, right? You don't have to close your eyes. He's part of his eyes closed Is my with my eyes closed I start I feel very vulnerable, right?

So you cannot you can do soft focus on something a fix. Can you go to a fucking room and lock the door? No Well, you don't have any locks at your fucking house. No I've tried my but I tried meditating in my bedroom on my recliner, right? Get my recliner and our dog Mona just starts barking and then I start going fuck Mona Shut the fuck up and then I get up go ahead That's that thought of Mona shut the fuck up is also. Okay. It's part of the meditative process of learning to have 10,000 thoughts but not engaging not grabbing on to the thought just being like that's a passing thought That's a passing. I think of it this way you pop the it's like a bubble. Yes a thought is a bubble, right?

So if I'm sitting there like this Ah, I wonder if my dick smells right now. Mm-hmm. I have those thoughts too, right, right? Right on top. Should I un-talk, right? Yeah, but I go no and I pop it Bloop the bubble and it drifts away, right? And I just I focus on my breathing Right and and as as I keep doing it It becomes the thoughts become less and less Right and I do it for like 30 minutes and by 30 minutes. I can get to a point where it's pretty much silent And he has a dd. He's a better meditate. He meditates way longer than me. Mine are like max 10 minutes

I can I can do the calm up for 10 minutes. Yeah, I need a guided meditation I need someone to to like because I if I just sit there with my thing. I go. What are you doing? Yeah, you're doing get up go work out. How about a spa? Do you I go to the spa every night? You want to go to the spa with me? No, I drink I know That's my I like Yeah, I do a sauna and I do a polar plunge every day I do 60 minutes in the sauna throughout a week and 11 minutes

I try to do over 11 minutes in the polar plunge every week and get that in your house I got in my house and then I got a gym and I got a treadmill so normally what I do like if I'm if I'm like Peter knows I'm firing a little hot today and so uh It's like really hot and so I'll probably go home and get on my treadmill and maybe open a box of wine and and try to Have a like a little glass of wine and walk on the treadmill and then break a sweat Go in the sauna polar plunge jump in the pool and then go to bed

Why do you drink the wine though? It stops Stops my crazy thoughts. I think I know but that's the problem, right? Well, no, I don't need to drink the wine, but like I like I like to I know you don't want but oh, here's my problem. Here's here's my concern. Okay, all right I love you, dude, and I feel like I feel like I you know, I mean I'm at a point with you that I just tell you how I feel about it Okay, right, and I'm not I'm not a medical person. So I can't diagnose you with anything

Okay, I cannot diagnose anyone in the right Right, and I only have my assumptions and the things that I can go on right what I what go ahead Is this solicited or unsolicited advice though? Oh, that's definitely unsolicited You know what you're definitely on solicited. You're right. You know what? I'm not going to give my advice No, I have a feeling your advice is you're looking at me and you think I'm fat. I think that's what I feel that's where it's going No, I do look at your body But I don't you know what the thing is is that when they go what describe Burke Reiser? I wouldn't go fat I don't say fat either. I would say he's stocky. I'm not stock. Yeah, you're stock. You're stomp. You're stomp

I'm six one. It's hard to be stomp. No, you're stomp Like you're like a big red tree if you chop it down. That's what you are. I'm jolly Jolly is a good one. I you have no idea how many fucking Santa Claus scripts I've gotten. Yeah, you have no idea I have a million I had a I was like every every time I get a call that I came in Movie they really really want you and I'd be like don't say Santa Claus and they're like keep your mind open It's it's a different type of Santa Claus. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like, I don't fucking want to play Santa Claus

I always get elf And it really bothers me Don't don't say elf elf. Yeah, but it's different. They're doing an asian angle Right, did it hurt you that you were never called for like the hobbit or any of the lord of the ring stuff? Oh god, this is the rudest question I've ever said you've been called elf So it's like wait elves are cool. But were you first of all there are an age? There are no asians in the middle or yeah, they those moves those movies are made before inclusion Well, no be inclusion can be a little distraction

Yeah, like sometimes like I remember watching grease On tv Yeah, and the one they did the musical on tv and it was like half and half white and black Yeah, and I remember just going like no one's going to talk about how progressive this high school is 1950 but they kept the racist asian line on there. Yeah, there's a there's a racist asian line in greece What is it and I can't see white people don't even they don't even cue on to it Me too. How many times how many times are you fucking seeing grease bro? Wait, wait, wait, let me see if I can how many times have you seen it though?

Uh a million. All right, right. So there's one line in there. That's a little uncomfortable for me Hold on. Let me see if I can figure it out. Yeah, just the line in the movie. It's a situation. Yeah, it's a situation But it involves asians uh I'm trying to think can I tell you this? Yes, I'm in the slumber party Okay. Oh, oh, uh, it's is it oh fuck. I want to watch grease now to see Yeah, yeah, wait, is it it's gotta be the the a fondu

No, that's not it. That's not it. That's not fun. You didn't she didn't go. Oh, hey fondu you That's not what happened. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was um, so there's a girl that shows photos of her boyfriend or something Right Why didn't you do this? Why didn't she don't I keep no, no, no And she said something about like this is him in korea and somebody goes. Oh, you're dating a korean No, he's in the military silly Or something like that. Oh, you're dating a career. Oh That well, I guess, you know, but it's but it's yeah, I guess that is kind of pretty fucked up

I that would never register with me as a white guy. I go. I go. Well, yeah, it's 1950 Well, the line should be oh cool. You're dating a korean. That's amazing. I've never met it. Where did you? I've never I've never met a gook before. Yeah, but even that would have been nicer. You're mean I've never met one of those ching chongs before it could be very it would be very distracting If in lord of the rings they had all these white hobbits and then bobby Like it would be you'd be like Yeah, cool. Yeah, he lives on the east of the shire They look different there. You know, I auditioned I didn't audition I did uh, I did a uh

Read for Who's the guy that did that movie? Peter Jackson Peter Jackson. So I dressed they we went down there to his Big thing in where his studio is down there in New Zealand and they dressed me up as Gandalf Like legit Gandalf and uh, and I did I did like an audition for him for a Gandalf for Gandalf. I put it on What the heck that how long ago was that a long time ago? Yeah, well, that's how Elijah Wood got the movie Oh, yeah, he filmed it himself. So he filmed it himself and gave it to him And so they've dressed me up as Gandalf and I told Peter Jackson

I said, I'm gonna give a real for you. It's not real. There's so you're not Gandalf What if Bert was I looked like you're dwarf. You're a dwarf in the in that world, dude I looked so much like fucking Gandalf if Bert was Gandalf. Oh my god. Here. Can you pull up type in Bert Gandalf? I'm sure you'll I look I mean I look just like it's online. I'm sure yeah What's your beef with Santa and not Gandalf? Yeah, it's a good question. Good question. I don't hate Santa. It's just like I feel once you do Santa then you're done Oh, yeah, like yeah, like yeah, you do Santa and then they're like, oh good and then if you do it well, yeah, that's me This is my audition also

I forgot to mention this The map comes to key. Yeah, it's very small. Here it is. Don't lose it. I'm mad looking a little bit Don't lose it Keep it safe Put this key. I'm gonna add a little bit on this. Just go. Let me get mine. If I just do the words. I'm doing in McKellen Okay, here we go I'm gonna use the word and then okay, just go with it. Just go also

with this map Comes the key Very curious. Keep the small key. Keep it with you in all times I suggest a nice piece of leather wrapped around the neck with a keyhole right through the top I thought it was pretty good Yeah, I imagine don't lose it and the map don't lose that either If you lose the key but have the map it's no good and if you have the key, but you don't have the map then where are we? Very good

Wow Yeah, that's great. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. I can't believe you didn't get that. I know. Yeah, I know There's uh, I I I you didn't attempt to do an english accent or nothing. That wasn't an english accent Hello That's not an english accent. I'm not good at you're just a deeper voice all my accents end up asian Like I always start them noble like a pirate and then hello. I am gondolf. Oh, no. No. Hello. Hello. I'm gondolf Hello, I'm gondolf. Yeah, there we go. Hello. I'm gondolf That's good. Yeah, but I was doing my own version again. All right. He's like a nondescript

You know, why does he have to have a british accent? He can do anything Thank you. By the way, they do that for everything. Have you ever noticed like german movies all the germans have british accents? Like when they do nazis, they're all british accents. I just watched a movie. I'm watching cat. It's called the great It's about kathlyn the great. Yeah, they'll have british accents. Yeah, but I think americans are so stupid That if we hear a british accent, we go. Oh, yeah, that's german No, really would sound if they spoke english. I mean, that's what they did with the show chernobyl Yeah, I think yeah everything was but I think if germans had an english accent back in the day when they were doing the fucking holocaust thing It wouldn't be as scary like go into go into the shower

And you're like, oh, all right, I'll go take a shower If germans had an english accent, it wouldn't be Hello, hello on the train, please Just one by one single file. Yeah, get a cue. Get a little cue. Yeah, I'm gonna put a tattoo on your arm Right a little tattoo Yeah, yeah, it doesn't sound that bad the holocaust doesn't sound as bad it with an english accent But you were in the dictator. Yeah, I never saw such a banger Yeah, that you're talking about

The interview the interview. Yeah. Yeah. I was not in that Can you believe that that ruined all the people who worked at sony? Really crazy. That's yeah that movie. Oh, yeah, I mean they're the fucking leaked all their emails Because of that. Oh, that's right. And they all lost their jobs because they were just regular people like Have you ever looked at your in your texts and just to see Like how good or bad you are Like to type in type in the n-word in your in your search text. What anyone's ever typed in Line up right now, sir. If anyone's ever sent you curious. Hold on. Wait. So in my email, no, no, no, right here right here

Right here scroll down on all my messages. Yeah. All right. So this is interesting. Let's start slow. Let's go with cunt Okay, all right. So Wow, hold on. Oh I'm gonna go cunt k-u-n-t. No, no Yeah, I know see you cunt Who do you just say who you've had all right? So I'm gonna so I'm gonna tell you the three I'm gonna say three came up with cunt Ari Shafir was number one

Number two you. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and number three josh price My top are you my second is um tiger belly crew delusional cunts Okay, what about you vert? I think that one came up Tom segura But I can't I can't I can't read it. I can't read it. I can't read it easy either like you show it to you and you'll go What the fuck? Yeah. Yeah, or that's what you want to try the n-word now. Yep. Let's go. All right Oh

Nothing Oh, wow Not for me though. I have one from a friend of mine who Is I would have never thought I would come for but it comes out after she says fucking christian something. Yeah. Yeah. I have four I have four. Tell me with who I Just bleep them right or not bleep the names. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this is interesting. I feel so how many do you have a lot

It's all from the it's all from the same person. How many well, I have a lot of black friends, too Oh, yeah, so that's typed in there, but I can't I can't really say this one. I'll tell you can you bleep this out? Yeah Wow It's a it's a tweet he must have sent and so it's it's so all the ones I have are Times people have said it and people are going. Hey, did you see dot dot dot no one's using it? Yeah Yeah, no one's using it but they're they're talking about did you see dot dot dot and uh, and so yeah It's I I did that I did that for I did that my email one time. I'm a good person, but I don't know, you know, like yeah

So I think you are I typed it in my email my search to see if I've ever it's ever been emailed to me Uh, or I've ever emailed it and it came up and it was in my book. I wrote it in my book and I was like, oh fuck But it's it's on it was it was it was going up in florida that word. I'm also 49 so like going up in florida that word I had a joke that had that word in it and and and uh And I wrote it in my book about going to school at Tallahassee. I was the first time I actually like Heard like people saying it and I went I was like caught us off guard but um Yeah, I try to terrible world word world and word word. Yeah, I hate it

But okay, you go wait. What are you gonna ask me? Can we do something positive? Like can we let's go to something? Let's do I mean let's start something positive. Okay. Okay. One positive word What's a positive word? Uh, let's love that's to rainbow Rainbow is a good one. I'm never gonna have that Let's see rainbow. Oh, I have a lot of rainbows Rainbow as well more from rainbow roll So she I have I have it's all food to rainbow. It's all it's all mine's all food too. I have rainbow beet Hilarium salad

Mine are from my best friend gardo and then ester Hey bobby madden and I are trying to start an anti rainbow movement It's not positive. I swear to god happy pride month for I know but that's literally what somebody fucking texted me Say hey bobby madden and I are trying to start an anti rainbow movement. Did you reply? No Like the actual rainbow. They're trying to I don't know anything about look first is this guys I've never responded to this guy No Oh, yeah, yeah, wait

They're actually trying to stop rainbows or the rainbow movement. I have no idea man. Yeah, I have no idea Do you have any rainbows a couple? Yeah. Yeah. Give me something one more. Let's do one more positive one more Um, how about uh Love love is too much. It's in everything. It's in everything. But who's your top anal sex anal anal sex is good anal sex Just put anal anal mine's shanguilas shanguilas I have one two three four five six I have oh, I'll tell you who mines with so anal. I got number one hit was pete and carlos herrera Uh-huh. Number two is sosie bacon. Yeah

And number three is joules talking about expressing our dog's anal glands I had one guy can't say his name, but he says i'll get the chinese anal cobit test too. Okay What are you the most arraigned? I have no idea what that means I think you have anal issues Uh, is that so you saying to somebody or someone to say it to you someone said it to me. Yeah. Yeah Uh, I think she used to do anal. She has anal herpes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, but anal make one whole Oh, this has got to be bad What is it? Confucius saying

Are you real? Oh Seat geek. Mm-hmm. Seat geek. Mm-hmm seat geek. Oh you guys seat geek is my jam I'll tell you why per krisher, right? He's doing shows. I might do some fully loaded, right? That's what you get your tickets. Seek it when I bought juliana Her Harry Styles tickets. I went to seat geek when I buy my dodger game tickets I go to seat geek when I watch bobby lee at the improv. I go to seat geek. Yeah Yeah, whether it's concerts baseball basketball football festivals or anything else

Seat geek puts tickets from all over the web in one place to make buying simple Seat geek rates every ticket from zero to ten to make sure you're getting a good deal Green means good red means bad. See that's pretty easy to follow. Don't you think I love it You can get $20 off your first purchase with the promo code belly at seat geek.com or on the seat geek app That's promo code belly for 20 hours off your first seat geek order seat geek get your seat in a seat download The app today seat geek sakara When you nourish your body you can transform your life With sakara's delicious plant rich meal delivery program and functional wellness essentials

You can be in the driver's seat of your own health and experience true transformation We have sakara at home, dude, and I get like really good pure nutrients inside my body and their salads are so good You guys sakara is a wellness company anchored in food as medicine on a mission to nourish your body through the power of plants Also, they're like They're nutritionally designed chef crafted breakfasts lunches and dinners are made with powerful plant rich ingredients Helping boost your energy support your digestion curb your sugar cravings and get your skin glowing. I love the glowing skin Plus it's all delivered right to your door. Oh, I love their protein powders. Have you had their protein powder? Of course, I do. That's what I live on plant protein powders. They also have teas you guys

They have the metabolites. They have the metabolism super powder And they have their newest functional snack bobby the supersede and nut blend you guys These are organic ready-to-eat meals that are so delicious chef crafted and you can get breakfast lunch or dinner Absolutely guys and right now sakara is offering our listeners 20 off their first order when they go to sakara.com slash belly or enter code belly A check out that sakara s a k a r a dot com slash belly to get 20% off your first order sakara.com slash belly you want to look like bobby at 50 with his smooth glowing skin Then start with sakara Let me let me we talked about earlier

I don't know if the camera if your cameras are on but so in terms of comments right when people do negative comments Yeah, because I'm trying not to read that shit right because it spins my whole day or it just Move it just switches my day around. It's amazing. It's amazing that someone I mean, I almost want to send them money. That's how good they are like nailing my insecurities. Yeah, it's so amazing What are your insecurities? I'll tell you that somebody can can comment on that's going to hurt your feelings. I'll tell you number one is Um, uh, I'll tell you things that don't hurt people say that I fucked dogs. That doesn't hurt me like there's certain things

Me too doesn't hurt me. It doesn't hurt that I smell like shit. I fucked dogs. Uh, yeah, yeah Like Tom and I used to have jokes that I was like the most racist comment in America So that that kind of is not on the raiders radar because I know that whoever's typing it is a fan and they're trying to make a joke Yeah, uh, I what really fucking Bothers me is when someone and it happens so much Is they whittle me down to a guy that has one bit and just is an alcoholic who takes a shirt off because I because I clearly I'm working on my Fourth special clearly I'm more than that. Yeah, and I know it's not true

But man it like I remember I can tell you different times I read that specific comment Or like you mean the fucking hack that just takes a shirt off and gets drunk on stage and I go I go, yeah, I can see how you see that. Yeah, but but it's not accurate But like that one fucks me up. Um, I have the same exact exact same thing because people go like God bless Bob Saget. Yeah, but he would always whenever I would run into him. He goes Hey, it's the naked guy The guy or he would say then the guy that needs to get laughs by getting naked Yeah, right and used to hurt my oh, it's the hardest I've ever laughed

Do you remember me sending you that nest cam video? No. Oh, yeah from your house hardest. I've ever laughed Yeah, when you get naked, I get I laughed the hardest I've ever laughed My girls and I are getting ready to go to school Leanne everyone's in the living room Leanne is Leanne is Was really good friends with timpani haddish's grandmother. Yeah, so they used to work at laurie's together So Leanne knew tiffani haddish is new of tiffani way before anyone like because she worked with miss Uh, what I forgot her grandma's name. So, um, so I said, hey, we're doing goddamn comedy jam

I said, you got to see tiffani tiffani really kills it and she goes really and I saw we play tiffani and the girls are sitting there and and The girls it's very moving tiffani murdered. She murdered it murdered it. And so we have tears in our eyes It's that moving and then I go, all right, let's go to school and then bobby leaves next and I go Oh, wait, bobby's up. Hold on. We should watch bobby bobby's very funny and You start getting naked and I can't stop laughing. I'm crying and I go And leanne's like girls girls and they're like is he naked mom and they're little girls at the time And I'm like and I'm like and I can't stop laughing

I was the hardest laugh and I scream I went to the nest camp and I grabbed me laughing and sent it to you Yeah, because I was like, yeah, but that's everyone could do that like there's a way to whittle down anyone's act Yeah, and and and regurgitate it to them. That's gonna hurt their feelings. Yeah, I mean by the way We could do it to the best comics. I won't because that's not my that's not what I do. Yeah, I'll tell you this I I saw I saw I'm gonna try to speak in code so that no one can find what I'm talking about But I saw a woman who was oh, uh, who you could say We got windy Cummings. No No, no, no, I love this game

She posted a picture of herself in a bikini and she maybe she doesn't have what society deems as the perfect body and so So I I read the comments and I was like I was like I'm curious. That's really putting yourself out there I sell them Lee actually put myself out there I I I I think I'm like I don't take put put pictures of my daughters on my feed if they end up in a story That's fine. But I don't do that because we had some some legit issues with Just horrific Horrific human beings. And so and so I don't do that with my girls too much

Uh at all really So and but I I stay out of my comments because I just don't need it. I don't need it I mean, I'm having a great day I I look at my comments the way I look at a scale the fuck. Why am I gonna look at that and ruin my day? Yeah, like I I'm I'm in a good mood. I feel good about myself I if I get on twitter I go to verified and because anyone who's verified is a real person They're not gonna say anything shitty and if they do maybe I need to hear it, right? So um So I go into this this woman's comments and I start reading them and they're all very very positive

And then I read the negative ones and that the negative ones Said so much about the person leaving it that I it was so clear to me. Yeah that I saw that and I went Oh, oh, that's a ninth grade boy who just isn't happy with himself. Yeah, and then and then the ones that were great were You see like the ones that really affected people were There's an overweight widow and she said, you know, my husband's past But I wish I had been brave enough He had asked me for a long time to wear a bikini

He said he loved what I looked like and I didn't and I wish I had your bravery To to show my body because he's no longer with us and I'll never now I'll never get the opportunity to wear a bikini. It was like Like so it's like the comment sections and then there's obviously a bunch of yes queen and go girl and fire fire fire fire And those ones at there's so many of them at a certain point there. It's almost like it's almost like, uh, white noise You're like you're like you're commenting more to let everyone know you're a good person Like but the heartfelt ones, but the negative ones were so shitty That I was like I was like fuck. I used to not care at all when we Tom and I started fat shaming. I was like

Oblivious And and I would read comments that were making fun of me that were so Fucking hilarious. Yeah, like when our fans used to fuck with us That was I'm saying I I would I ended up reading the comments and crying laughing. I remember at one point someone said a phrase Bert Christ Brent crystals or whatever they'd fucked my name up Brent crystals says at least once a day and I read up to that point and I swear to god

I said ma'am. Can I get some mayonnaise? And his line was ma'am. Can I get some mayonnaise? I swear to god And I I started laughing so Wow, wow, wow. Yeah, and so but I stay out of the comments. Leanne will read everything. Leanne reads everything Yeah, she don't but she's a fucking cunt. She's like She's doesn't give a fuck. Look I I wanted to ask you earlier when Leanne ripped the cord from your video games and said you this is done Were you done? Yeah, I never I've never played a video. I mean, I got I got a switch this summer

Over the summer. I got a switch, but I haven't really played it I started playing tiger woods But I couldn't really figure it out because video games have changed so much you need to have an internet connection I played it all wrong with you. What do you mean? I should have done a leanne way early on. What about another one? Yeah, that is Leanne's Leanne's a Leanne's a bad bitch. She is she uh I I

Fucking woman, but I think if we had kids Then it's an issue. Yeah, you mean, I mean I I mean no offense I'm just saying if I'm playing video games and there's kids running around and you're doing everything I think that you have every right to pull the cord. Got it. Okay, right? But we don't have no kids, right? Yeah, I mean, but okay, so I'll flip it back to you and give you a flip it back dog. What's up? Uncelested go ahead So what about like what about? This is gonna sound crazy, but what about starting a garden like a real thing I've always asked you that because you love farming

You keep laughing. Okay. All right. So hey, hey pal Hey pal Check it out Bert pal Hey pal. Yeah, pal. All right, so Let me tell you something. I love I know you're Bobby Lee Let me say something to you

Stop fucking doing this. All right. Okay. All right. What I'm saying is it's just not a farming simulation Right. You build things you you go you fight monsters. You know, you think oh, there's oh, there's so many other things there Girl you keep giving gifts to you on right now I'm giving gifts to maroo because I want her to be my wife. So wait. So wait. Hold on. So there's it's an rpg It's an rpg. What's what's looking at him? What's an rpg? He knows what rpg means. What's RPG role playing game? Yeah, but so okay, so you make clothes. This is the game. It sounds like okay So you're in bed with callila and then all of a sudden your alarm goes off You're like fuck sun's up. I gotta go start my game and you you put on your overalls and you put on your virtual goggles

And and you just start milking cows And just so you know that's the game. Oh, this is so less interesting than I thought it would be No, look at that Oh, I thought I thought you actually could like see yourself pulling corn up you do You do this right here. Let me say something right here all that stuff that this guy has he you have to build You put the ground down because when you first start off right gilbert It's hard. It's just you have nothing. It's just trees. Just wait. Yeah. Yeah wait, so um

This seems so like What so you just walk around and like get on a horse and then walk into this field and No, you know, it's not just that bro bro. You have to plow you have to put fertilizer down You have to plant crops. You know what I mean? But maybe if you tried doing that in this in the real world, you didn't I don't have Listen, I live in No, but maybe get a piece of land and then wake up every morning and go out and farm. Maybe you like farming

People like people like farming. He doesn't like sunshine. I don't like sunshine. Okay. You know what I mean? I get my sunshine from here. Maybe like a Do you have a you have a tanning game you do? I mean this sounds I know that I know that I sound like the guy I sound like the guy that I was when the internet came out and I was like, okay So you're telling me one day I'll get my groceries on the internet and then my buddy's like, yeah, that's how that'll work And I'll be like, okay, okay, and I'll just I'm not going to movies anymore. I'll just go watch it on my tv Okay, why didn't you play golf when you were playing tiger woods? You played tiger woods, right?

I tell you what's crazy. Can I tell you what's crazy? Yeah is um I played pebble beach Okay, and and On the third hole I stopped and I went I've played this course before See and my dad goes what I go dad. Oh my god. I've played this course hundreds of times. Yeah, I know where to lay up I know where to hit. Yeah, this is

I gave you the edge Yeah, because I played it so much on tiger woods that on on on the back nine on I think maybe 14 I drove the green because I knew you could drive the green over the trees And I told the caddy who's only played the in real life His name is slick or something. I told him I said, uh, I think this green is drivable and he said it's not I said with a little bit of tailwind is drivable use kind of go over those trees He goes no you can't go over those trees. You won't make it and I said I think I can And I and it was an obnoxious thing because if you go to drive a green

You have to wait until that party is off the green So you're actually kind of holding people up So everyone teed off and he said he said I think it's whole I think it's uh I think it's I can tell you exactly what it is. I think it's whole 15 and so And so I fucking waited I waited and I drove the fucking green and he goes I've never seen anyone drive the green here and I said I drive the green here all the time

That's my shot. This is where I make up strokes. Yeah I will say this about his knowledge about farming and mahogany trees and sturgeon fish His knowledge of everything is pretty impressive post-apocalyptic that had really come to good use Yeah, if we are an apocalypse and yeah That is insane that bobby would be the most useful man in apocalypse because all he's been doing is farming virtually Yeah He knows how to extract caviar or like everything from the game you make caviar in the game at a sturgeon Yeah, you yeah, I guess do a sturgeon row and I make caviar out of it in these barrels

Okay I know what to see wine. Yeah, you know, heavy cooler. Yeah, if you really made caviar So cool one day one day they they argue it's it's argued that the best part of caviar is not virtually making it. It's actually That's true. It's like well, we I gotta I gotta Oculus Brian Simpson came to my house I was like, man, he knew me so much better than I knew myself. He goes uh he's like, hey, uh I gotta broke my oculus. You should try it out. And so I tried it out And I was blown away and then Peter who's like a little bit of a like a nerd like he knows stuff like you guys do

he uh He was like, you know, they have VR sex And I went that that'll fuck me up forever. I do it I've done it. Yeah. Yeah the VR porn. I know it's the best Can you do it while you're having sex with an actual person? That would be fucking awesome No, I've never done that and the person's just But what's the problem with VR but the VR porn is you know what I mean? So you're laying there so the feet because you get the feet stick out and it's always a white dude

Right, so it throws me off a little bit. Wait. Yeah, so what are legs are pretty white, sweetheart And no, but it's long and it doesn't have the kind of same So when I'm on the VR the feet come out and it's like, uh You know Ari she fears legs and so I had to get used to that first I got I guess those are my legs, right and a girl comes in and she's like You're laying there again, right? And then they come up and they'll come up and they'll go off screen and pretend you're they're kissing you Oh, you like that. I do like that. But I when I look with my VR. It's just black space

So it throws me off. Yeah, so then I can't turn You know, I mean if I turn like it's like it throws me out. So I just go like this And then I start getting a wreck, right and it's like it's weird. It feels Like the real thing, but in certain spots, it's black So you it just throws you off a little bit. I was attracted to one Asian chick Really attracted to her. I just because I was sitting here going. I've always found Asian chicks hop I never like knew any that I was like that I courted one really fucking hot. She didn't like it No, you know, I were actually still friends. I've been bad with that like sometimes I

Like here's been my problem is I've never been good at a first kiss But I've had two occasions this and another girl who were Two of the most beautiful women I've ever seen without a doubt and They told both of them told me at one point. The problem is Guys something in fact of All guys just want to do is have sex or or or hook up with me. No one wants to be my friend and They share that with me in this and once they share that with me

I go well I can't try to kiss them now because I'm betraying the fact they just shared something with me and So I don't know if they're doing it to let me know don't kiss me But I know I've never I never kissed them. I remember I was in bed with one girl and we were talking We were giggling just fucking around, you know talking. Oh shit. It's my daughter. Hang on. Answer. Answer. Hang on What's up? Yeah, what are you at? I'm at uh, I'm at Bobby Lee's house

who that It's a friend you're on a podcast. What do you need? Oh, I was gonna I was just asking where mom lies. Oh, she's in the podcast studio. She's doing a podcast with lacy Oh, okay. Bye. Bye. Um, so that hurt. Who that that hurt? Who that then the worst no just substance that hurt So bad That's worse than any comment It's not even who's that who that who that no, she wasn't doing an age So those but one of the girls was asian and uh, beautiful. I think she was Filipino

Did you kiss good? Oh, I know either I'm not good right be honest. You have your own very specific style that I respect. But that's not a good thing. That's not a good thing. Okay, so if I just say this yeah, I think you kiss exactly like how I imagine Esther Pavitsky kisses You just go for it and it's aggressive and it's full of tongue right out the gate. Oh, wait. That's me. That's me too That's me. I like a lot of time. I like to be in there. Yeah. Yeah, even on the first kiss. You don't start slow You just no. Oh, no, no, no. I don't do bottom lip work. Oh, I like you do No, I do slow and sensual. You're like, let's go for it. Yeah, I like the mouths closed and have it like a machine Yeah, that's right. So the tongues go and turn it on

He just opens and then yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like I uh, I I offer out my lip because it's really great I have a great bottom lip I learned how to eat pussy by watching cat house like I had never known I I had done this thing that I had in in eighth no ninth grade No, it must have been 10th grade 10th grade We were at Andre Corwin's house and they had a playboy and that they said the thing to do was to uh To put your lips around or suck it in and then and then go take your tongue and just go And so I that's what I did and it did not work for I mean, I don't think it worked for anybody

I am very uh, my policy is do not suck on the labia. Please. Yeah, why does not feel good for me I don't know if some women like it But that is that is way too much. It's like overstimulating. Yeah, I think you want to go light Light touches light touch. I remember licking light licking leon would go. You're you're She's like, I'm not critiquing you. It's just you makes me feel like I got to take a piss. Yes. It's too much It's too much. How about this? How about new rule? You shut the fuck up Why it's my pleasure. I know I'm just just listen to what I'm saying. What I'm just hear me out, right? You're best. All right, right. I'm down there, right? I have the outfit on. What's the outfit? It's just not it's not

No, no, it's not that it's just I have my own outfit on samurai. It's not a literal outfit. It's what I imagine I'm wearing Like a cape You know what I mean and and like a sea helmet from the future. Yeah, but you're not a big pussy eating guy I am I just don't think that my style you don't like it. No, it's okay. Here's the thing with you Because I don't seem like you're really in it. You do it. You look you phone it in See that hurts my feelings because I'm doing a hundred percent my best. I don't think so Yeah, I am I am I'm doing my best. I'm here to tell you that's not your hundred percent

Well, how do you know what my limits are? You know why why you never look up and check to see where I'm at I don't look lock eyes. That's creepy. No, but you like did she like it? Did she not like no, I'm doing a job I'm not gonna look if I'm working in a factory, right? And I'm let's say I'm working at a factory. I'm not gonna look at the boss and go How am I doing? You see how lian was like, you know, I'm doing the job. Can I tell you? My favorite part is to look up as a matter of fact so much that the porn that I started Watching the most was pov of looking up

Because that's my favorite part lian looks the hottest. Thank you from that angle Also, you know what that says to me is that you care how it feels for me. Oh, we would yeah, I I Enjoy I enjoy going down on lian more than having sex with her. He thinks it's just a form of artistic expression Yeah, no, no, no, no, I don't know. Here's what the deal. I would never have a company with you Why because you're like for me. It's like I'm looking at the floor at people that are working that are working for me Okay, they better be doing their job Guess what they're locking eyes with me. We have a company together. I know but we don't have a lot of employees

And these two they'd never look at me Right, they're doing. They're doing their fucking jobs, right? And when I'm down there working right with your vagina, right? I'm not gonna lock eyes because I'm focused on one fucking thing. I have a question. Go ahead. Why do you like it so much when I look up at you? Oh, you got me there You got because I'm not a good employee. You like it when you cross your eyes, babe cross your eyes. Oh Like she's special needs I like it when you cross your eyes. Yeah. Thank god. They're naturally that way. Yeah

Yeah, I like it when it's like this but I try so hard don't I and I ask questions I can't come. I can't come that way. I can't come that way. What I've never come through a blow job Oh, you might be gay then I I'm not that's my favorite way How long does it take though? I that's the fun of it. You don't know. Let me tell you something lianna's top notch at that and I don't know if it's because most of her family can't read

She is a home run hitter to the point when the first one I got from her Okay, I'll marry her. Oh, wow. I can have that for a while. How long does it take takes a while and I like that No, like what 30 minutes. So I look. I don't know what lianna does. No, I don't know not 30 minutes Yeah, I don't know what she does. So two things happen. Number one. I blow jobs are my favorite That's my favorite and so But it does take a while Because what the fun of it is that it builds it builds it builds lianna does this thing I don't know how I can't explain it really but it's kind of like you ever seen a mom clean up her kids

ice cream cone on a hot summer day Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and so so and but She lianna in a weird way kind of reads my body And then just It's almost like she's just flicking me like to get me over the edge and then and then all of a sudden by that time You're holding on to the fucking side of the bed going like And I'm not a talker during sex. Yeah, and it I'm that's the best but then what happened is Dr. Drew's wife

Told lianna. You don't need to give him a full blow job every time Just give him one to start him off and that set that Awakens everything for me and then the sex is better. So like sometimes she goes go down there for like three minutes two minutes and That'll wake everything up. But uh, but it's crazy. She sighs I don't sigh. Yeah. Yeah when she's down there instead of gagging she just goes Yeah, she goes well, that's only because he's like, can you be brandon and I have to be like No

Crush your eyes brandon. You like those only one fucking thing we did We did one fucking role play as brandon coach coach was wrong Man for you to bring that up every fucking time All right. All right. I like brandon. He's a good dude. All right, and he's he's over 18 All right, so it's not weird. All right That's so fun or unhelpful advice Can you be brandon? Oh, you want it? Yeah. Yeah. I'll open eyes with burt graischer

Hey guys, uh, my name is jung. I'm 25. I currently reside in portland I'm had I've had trouble adapting and talking to people and creating relationships due to my trauma as a kid Like yourself. I was also physically abused by my father But in my mind right now, I knew I deserved it because I was very ungrateful and didn't realize how blessed we are Though through my trauma I'm now not able to look at people in the eye Especially girls and with the pressure of being the oldest son in the family It's getting to me because I'm getting older and my current outlook. I don't think I can meet their expectations

I just want my family to be happy and proud of me But right now I'm having a hard time with my current outlook meeting those expectations In short, I'm scared to be alone in the future with nobody and I just want to know How can I meet my family's expectations of being successful and creating relationships? I'm confused. Does he want Oh, is he or does he want to make his family happy? I think both but also I think he's nervous that he literally cannot look at women in the eye And I he I was that way he won't have a wife. I was that way

Women and cops used to fucking I looked at women like police officers Whoa, like I couldn't like whenever I got pulled over when I was like 19 I would I wouldn't lock eyes with them and with women was the same thing Yeah, I was just so scared of both, you know, and then one day I realized that oh, I'm never going to get them I'm never going to get cops to like me and I'm never going to get women So why worry about it? And then once I had that adjustment in my mind It was fine. I could look at cops in the eyes and look at women in the eyes You know, it's just it's like you got to get sick and tired of being sick and tired

Of that feeling also, it's like All that shit is motivated like for me And people are going to say I'm wrong But the whole reason why I did stand up in the first place is so that women would like me Right and for me it's sad But it's like the first woman that I didn't have to pay for That had sex with me was when I did stand up. I was 23 years old and we have told the story million times and um

So use it as a motivation factor motivating factor. That's actually a pretty insightful thing because uh I'll take it one further and this is what rogan would say Go and take a class in something That like jujitsu that has you deal with conflict. So I have really bad anxiety. By the way, I wanted to compliment you guys I was having horrible anxiety all day today and I haven't thought about it once. I've been here It's been so fun. I yeah, it's been fun as shit

the um, but Doing stand up or taking a class or doing something like so I have social anxiety and I know this doesn't seem like it would be real but like uh Going doing something new getting in a line getting a table Like when everyone goes and says oh, we'll go grab the food you grab a table that fucks me up really bad Getting in a line fucks me up. You know that I just will not stand on the line. I cannot stand on the line

It makes me crazy. Um going into a class like going into, um Like a spin class and I love spin classes. It gives me so much anxiety especially like And it has from my childhood because my mom would like I remember what I wanted the Luke Skywalker Uh doll Whatever thing and my mom went into a toy store and my mom didn't really know what it was She's like, do you have like the Luke Skywalker thing and this some kid was like, I don't think so And I remember my mom turning me and she goes so what do you want to do now?

And I remember melting down and being like do not involve me in this equation I'm fucking six like just you talk to the guy get us the fuck out of here. Yeah, and so I can't I have a hard time so I used to Challenge myself by going to spin classes or a yoga class Dude yoga class is the fucking ultimate worst for me because especially in la because you got to show up You got to sign up. You got to go and then the second the doors open everyone races for a spot to put their mat And it's like fucking mayhem mat to mat to mat and I am I am melting the fuck down so but taking a class

I like I went to do jujitsu and uh Because I was like because rogan was I he was like, man if you get to jujitsu That confrontation will do you good daily confrontation will do you good and I went and I had the hardest time I couldn't even I didn't even know what to say because I was like I was so overwhelmed by everything And eddie bravo was so nice, but I just was like I love eddie. I was like He was like come back tomorrow, and I was like it's never gonna happen. I just left. Yeah, I just left and I was like that I was Sweating and shaking at the end and I know that sounds crazy

But stand-up was like that for me when I started to go up to a club and say like hey, man. How do I oh? But then you then you do it and your confidence level builds and you become very confident and go Oh, I'll go. I remember the last one. I had to do that was like that. Oh my god whoo London comedy store So I I'm flying back from somewhere from like Amsterdam or something. Yeah, and they're like hey Uh my manager's like we got you a spot at the stop this company store in London And I was like okay, and I had a camera crew with me

We were filming a documentary and so I was kind of is different in London. It will it's and I don't know one knows me Yeah, and so I go over and I walk up. I'm like, hey, you know, I'm comfortable enough to be like I think I have a spot and the guy looks down and he goes Not here above and I'm like There's a black dude too big black dude. He goes not here, bro. Another place another day and I was like I was like, no, I think I do and he goes no not tonight No, everyone on the list and like there's a comic stand in there and he goes, who are you? I saw a comic from the states. He goes, that's all you guys do come over here and try to take out spots

No, no spots for you like total cunts. Everyone was being total fucking cunts. Yeah, so I'm like I'm like I'm pretty certain that my management has set this up and I was like, but I just want to give up I'm like, I'm out. I'm so embarrassed right now. Yeah, I get embarrassed very easily. Yeah So and I know that people go that's oh, you could whittle this down right now and go That's why you drink that's whatever the fucking thing is. I'm stone sober and I'm like, oh my god So then finally the DJ comes out and he goes, oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, you can do 10 and I was like, okay So they're like in the green room and then I get in the green room and by the way, let's not forget

I'm a really good stand-up. Okay. Like but I'm terrified. I'm terrified I can't imagine if I sucked and I had no ability how I'd feel I go in and They're the comics in the back are fucking with me. They're like, they're like, uh, all right, mate You want to work here number one thing? Mind the light mind the light and and and keep it clean keep it keen best thing in the thing and I said I go I was thinking I was joking. I go. What's the light and they were like, don't know what the fucking light Don't know what the and I'm like, I'm like, I'm joking. I'm joking. Yeah, and so then I'm like Everyone gets great intros and my intro's like, all right. We got another one of these from over across the pond

Put your hands together this bloke from America but All right, come on get to go and so I go on stage And if there's one thing I can do good is stand up and I fucking lit that room on fucking fire I did seven minutes because fuck them, right? Yeah. Yeah, you want I am fuck them supposed to do 10 I did seven. Yeah got the light as soon as I saw a light on my mom. I'm fucking not gonna run the light at all I get off and

The comics are sitting in the green room Jaws on the ground and one goes so you've done this before and I was like, yeah, yeah I was like, yeah, so wait you guys this is how you just treat people And by the way, I like I don't I don't remember any of those dudes names But I remember being like I remember being like I will never work at this club again Yeah, like and like I just was so like it but by the way, we'd be like that at the store I'm sure I mean, I wouldn't I wouldn't if somebody has a Whenever somebody has an English accent. I'm like, oh, they got to be big. Yeah

Like Jimmy Carr or something. By the way, all the British comics. I know are fucking awesome. They're so good They're all fucking really talented. Yeah, and they're amazing on podcasts. Yeah, they're amazing all of them Yeah, and but man that one experience You and I are similar because what would you do in this situation? So one day I was at the Seattle parlor live and I was They had already done a couple of just sold every show out and I went to the club I try to get in because I'm headlining and the doorman goes. Hey, man. He pushes me back and he goes. We're sold out And I I left I did. I would you do the same I got I'll tell you this

So last time I was in I was in England. I was Great Britain or whatever it's called and we were in uh, Manchester, yeah, and so sold out two shows at a theater and I tell everyone we're going Me and Mark Norman. I said we're going to a bar around the corner I'll meet you there. So fucking six thousand people all flooded this bar And it ended the line is around the fucking corner right and I walk up and they see me and they're like, yeah I was like, what's ever it's packed in there. So I go to the front and I was like, hey, man

I think we're gonna try to come in and have a drink and it's uh He's like not today, bro. Get at it beat it And I was like, no, I think I'm he goes. I told you to leave and I went all right I said, well, if I leave it's gonna just, you know, I think everyone's gonna leave the bar also and he goes Okay, okay get walking and I went to the line. I said, all right, we're gonna go find another bar Someone tell the people inside someone goes we're leaving and a fucking I love the story everyone Everyone maybe and I'm not even joking. Maybe 1200 people start to move with me and the guy goes, why wait? What the fuck are you doing? You everyone stay here?

And I said, hey, man, you're not gonna let me in and they're like, you're not letting the machine in and he goes Who the fuck's the machine? I go, I'm the reason everyone's here. He goes, what what? He goes, we're waiting some for some fat comedian and I went. Oh, that's me and I took my shirt off and he goes Oh, that is you. Okay. Come on in and then we went and you should have laughed. No, we went You leave. No, the guy was doing his job. We went in and we parted our dick while you leave We had a room full of men shirtless in a I mean Fucking stayed until four in the morning did a bunch of promo reads. Oh, and that guy came up and apologized profusely But yeah, I'm the same way if someone says no to me that happened that happened recently

Were you in San Francisco with us and the guy? I was whatever what happened. I got nervous. I he asked for I'm so fucking comfortable right now and I'm not being comfortable all day Um, I got nervous If we went and so we went we got a we got a table upstairs this bar And then they said they couldn't accommodate us that it was they were mistaken But that they could service at their bar. They have a boutique whiskey bar next door So we go over this is like heat of covid We all boosted up and there's like I need to see your

Driver's license and your booster shot. It's a fucking meathead dude And uh, and I was like, okay, and I'm a little hammered, right? Yeah, we just got done I think I just smoked and I pull out I have three driver's license One's expired one's an ID and one's a driver's license. Yeah as soon as I pull out three and he goes no No, no, bro. No, bro. No, and I pull out and I pull him give him the expired one And he goes it's expired back of the line and I went okay So I go to the back of the line more with like 20 people

I go to the back of the line And he starts letting people in and I get up to him again and I'm so fucked up I give him the expired one again And he goes not you tonight and I went okay, I go well tell everyone we're leaving and he goes no They're staying you're going and I went we're all leaving And I and I just go all right guys and then everyone starts leaving He goes no, where the fuck are you guys going and I said They're here with me and so we start to leave we start to walk away and the manager of the bar

Is like a huge fan. He goes, where the fuck are you going? I said, we're not allowed in and he goes who the fuck said that I go the bouncer and he goes God damn it. So he goes up and he goes He goes they're going in he goes not him and he goes no, he's definitely going in He's the reason they're all here and they're all here and he was and the guy's like the guy's like He he's got an expired license and I'm so drunk. I'm trying to explain much. Remember I kept going This is all my fault like I'm trying

I go he's doing his job. I'm fucking up. I go. I guess keep giving him the wrong driver's license Yeah, and then and and then I think they made him apologize to me And and he had to come in and this was not this was not the type of guy that apologizes to people Yeah Whoa, I've had two of those I've had two of those two dudes who have probably never said sorry in their life ever two dudes And it was fucking insane to watch it and I was like

Like how did he come up? Probably no eye contact. No eye contact. Hey. Hey Listen Yeah, my man So and I just went hey man, you don't have to do this I get it like I don't like I don't want you to feel like my job isn't I fucked up I kept pulling out the wrong id He was being a dick. He was being a real dick of the fucking genuine dick I've had a couple people be real dicks where you go

Well, then all of a sudden they realize who they're being a dick too And it's almost like getting caught on camera because then they go Oh, fuck I've been dicks to a lot of people and I did it to one that counts that they can get me fired Yeah, but I've always I'm always like I'm always like hey man No, no one ever has to apologize to me. So I fuck up so much I fuck up so much like whenever anyone's too drunk and they're like I was acting like an asshole last night I go I do that all the time like you you're the this is your safe space me You can you can say you can do you can really fuck up as my friend

The only person that fucked up the most that it was a hard person to forgive was already That was a that was a hard one. That was a really hard one, but I got past it Leigh-Anne didn't I don't think she should no Leigh-Anne hates him. So do my daughters. They hate him. Yeah I mean what he did was crazy. Yeah, but but I we're not gonna talk about it We'll talk about more. Yeah, but I I that was like a real that was a real moment of like going Because I have this thing me and you both have this thing and I and I and we've talked about it before on a podcast about Uh, sometimes we get taken advantage of by other people and and it's why I identify very clearly with you a lot is that I go I go you're you're you're mistaking my kindness for weakness

And it really fucking makes my skin crawl and I've talked to Rogan about this ad nauseam about Uh, don't mistake just because I'm nice and I'm giggling and I don't I try to take things too seriously That I'm a weak human being and you can have your way with me Yeah, and the the problem with Ari is already knew that's how already knew that's something I was already feeling And so I had to have a moment where I was like do I cannot can I forgive him? Did he apologize to your wife? Uh, no, I don't think no. Yeah, but I don't I don't think because he didn't want to or anything I think because she won't speak to him every time you come here You say that I can come to your house meet your family. I've never been invited. Yeah

Yeah, but you can no, but you don't invite me. You got to fucking invite me I know where this conversation was go. Yeah, okay. No, you just it just dawned on me. It's like You know, I mean, I don't know your family. Yeah. No. Yeah, who's that is ridiculous No, I I'm gonna fight for myself. She said I can't know who dad who dad it bothers me, right? So what I'm saying to you Bert is I remember the last time you're like you should come up We had all these plans to do a triathlon all these things. They never come into fruition Let's let's make it happen. No, no. So you have to invite me over so that who's that doesn't happen I'm I'm home all of july. Yeah. Okay. I'm not famous enough for people to even know

I mean what the fuck no one comes to my house. No one comes to my house Like no, I'm I'm never there. I live on did Ari come to your house before he did what he did. Yes Yeah, then then that doesn't make any sense. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Yeah, yeah They I mean they loved Ari because Ari stopped saying that they love because they know him. That's uh, that's all I want It's for them to know my fucking name God, it's ridiculous. Okay. Okay. We're gonna do this. It's helping some education. I'll get Educate them man I mean, it's it's driving me crazy this thing. All right, we're gonna have it. It was worse than any comment

What a go ahead try a flan dead. No, no, but we talk about it We talk about it every time he comes in we make plans and I bet you money the next time you come here It'll be a year from now and I've still not been met your family And they're gonna double down on the who's that Who that who that who that who that? It's not funny man. It hurts my feelings. I I will make sure that happens. It's not gonna happen. Is it it's gonna happen It'll definitely is it because I don't drink. I don't know. No. No. No. No one else drinks in my family I'm the only one we can't I can't come over and do a pool thing. Yeah. No, we'll do how about fourth of july

We'll have a big fourth of july party. You will and you can come will you have one girls? Yeah, I will. Yeah I'm home fourth of july, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm I'm telling you right now We're gonna have a we're gonna have a brennan shop situation If you don't invite me don't edit that out Don't edit that's the worst thing I could say to somebody, right? That is the worst thing I could say You could have a shop. All right. All right, so be fucking careful, dude. My daughter's love, right? Kidding me right now, dude

You're fucking kidding me right now, dude Oh god He just shows up with really expensive cars What are your kids like, uh Isla is fucking weird as shit. That's the who that is the one that's in all my acts All right, what does she like help him out? What does she like because I'm gonna bring gifts And I'm gonna I'm gonna get the best thing that they like Uh

Isla Isla was really an anime. Oh, oh, yeah, I like okay. So what an expert because of jewels for true So what kind of you find out what animation are my my niece who lives with us that her whole life is anime Yeah, but yeah, but there's so much anime out there. So you you gotta give me a two or three things that she likes That I can get either a rug Oh, she'll she she was a closeted anime fan because she was afraid it wasn't cool And she's obsessed, uh, she would go to the big anime conventions down at the Staples Center And just buy anime art like she and she's a real big artist Yeah, so tell me what she like and what's your other daughter's name Georgia. Georgia. What is she like? Um, uh,

just Not being around me lately No, no, she's she's just getting old and she's like she You know, I think they got robbed for their youth because of covet So at the times when Georgia should have had her first kiss and and boyfriend and all that she was stuck in the house with me and And so I think that right now they're getting to live that and so she I mean

She they went to a big party last night and And I think we're at the place now. We're like, you know, we go. Did you guys get wasted? And you did your party and she was like, no, I did not really but she had some people did she's uh She's she's a really smart person. She's a great writer. I'll get her bong She'd like that Bobby Like a high-end bong if you get her a high-end bong waterbong. Yeah, she go. Oh Oh, cool. She's just she's at a place where it's like her dad's not cool. So like Yeah, and like you're the coolest dad you could ever have. Uh, no, not really

Well, did she has friends that have cooler dads? Uh, she She does. Yeah, I mean She's that but her dad So it's like if you're funny professionally then It's a different Someone open the garage door This thing's happening again

Are you gonna stop it the fuck is it gonna fuck it all up? Let's just don't don't stop it. What is it? It's our water thing. Okay. Just sit that back down Think about this is this podcast is going too long anyway. Yeah, we're at hour 30. Yeah. Yeah, so we only do an hour Why because that that's what we do you really know how to push it Yeah, you know how to push it and we're not pushing it right now and that's god saying we're done Yo, low key. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's god saying we believe in god. I do I do too That's another thing Here's the deal. All right. Okay, let's wrap it up by saying this keep that on right

I'll keep it on no more. Who's that we're gonna resolve that right? Okay. Yeah, okay. Where's the july? It's fourth of july. All right. Is there anything you want me to do? In life to be a better friend Um, can we start texting more often? Yeah, I would love that. Yeah Yeah, because that's like my my my my Love language I don't have I'm not good with texting people So I feel I get embarrassed so I don't text them. I just I kind of keep on to myself

I'm gonna get annoying give you annoying. I texted you the other day. No, you didn't yeah, I did I swear to god you didn't know I texted you the n word Oh, yeah George if you turn it off will it fuck up my water like it did last time We don't know. What is it? Is it a hot water heater? Yeah, it's got it's god saying we're done. So give her soft water Anything to promote anything to promote burnt. Oh Yeah, the tour I asked you to come do with me

Fully loaded I wish I did it I you were like you were one of my first names I know I should have done it. Yeah, you and you end on L were my first names. So who's doing it? Uh, David tell Shane Gillis mark norman nicky glazer taylor tomlinson fortune fiemster Uh, salvo conno big joker sin. How much time do people do? Uh, we're gonna make it pretty light. So everyone just murders for like what 15 minutes 15 minutes Is it too late to do a little bit?

Well, I don't know Tell me a date you can do and and I'll if you have a fallout. I want to do it. Okay. All right I wasn't feel when I got the offer. I wasn't feeling good about my act Yeah, right, but now I'm feeling pretty good about it. Yeah, we sold out. Uh, we've sold out. I think three markets already So, um, honestly, if you have a fallout, please let me be on the We sold out. I think south bend and Dayton Rochester and louis villa close And laurenceville and so we still have tickets available in greenville south carolina bristol tennessee and brandon

mississippi and i'm doing red rocks again september 13th and wilko's there the next night and i'll be watching wilko on the floor. No, I love wilko. Do you really? I do. No, you're lying. Yeah. Yankee foxtrot hotel. Yankee hotel foxtrot hotel foxtrot really my favorite albums By the way, I keep adding people to the show that like wilko so that we can all go see wilko Do that one. I would do it in a heartbeat. Really? I love wilko so fucking much. You don't have to get me to fly me out We just don't pay me fly me out. Okay. I'm being real. Okay. Give me a hotel room Shit, we're gonna. I'm gonna. Don't pay. No. No. No. We're getting cabins on the river in evergreen

It's me shane gillis mark norman nicky glazer. I just texted nicky. Nicky was like, I love wilko I'd love to go so she's gonna be on the show and if you're in I swear to god Honestly, are you being serious right? I swear to god. No for the july then you don't have to invite me to your party Fuck the who's that? I don't need to know your daughter. It's so much fun If you get if you let me do that show. Yeah, it will make my life Okay. All right. I'll text you. Yeah. Yeah I'll text me. Give him a round of applause everybody Hey prime members, you can listen to tiger barely ad free on amazon music

Download the amazon music app today or you can listen ad free with wondry plus in apple podcast Before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com slash survey