TigerBelly - Ep 356: Chris Distefano is Team Khalyla

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

Bobby walks out. Chris carries a Hyenas grudge. Khalyla gets her shirt. We talk bull dick bonding, WWII history, and Tucker Carlson's big dick.   See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. Music I disagree with you. Okay, because I think that you're a guy who actually, believe it or not, is a leader. Even though you don't believe it. I'm a follower for sure. No, you're not a follower. I'm not a follower.

Why? Because you lead. I don't lead. Because you lead. I lead by example, by other people. You were in the TV show Lost. You're a leader. Okay, that's racism.

Yes, I was, but I played both parts. The man and the woman. That's what it is. We're not starting. We're just talking. Because he's like ranting and raving. I'm ranting and raving. He's...

No, we haven't started. Come on in. Come on in. Come on over. You're the cool host. You walk in whatever you want to. This is your fucking podcast too. Fuck.

Kalilah. Come in and out like that. Kalilah. Kalilah. He was telling me I was a leader. I think Bobby is a leader. I think no matter what he says about himself, herself, theyself, that he is a natural born leader.

And all right. You ready for this? The Daniel Day, Kim joke, whatever. I just made that was a joke. Fine. I played both parts. I played both parts. Right.

But you ready for this? You ready for this? What? I, for the very first time in my life, whenever it was, I don't remember the exact date, let's say 10 years ago, went with my girlfriend at the time and booked a hotel of hotels.com or hotel tonight

because I saw you in a commercial for it. Wow. Booking.com. Yeah. Yeah. Booking.com. Yeah. Yeah.

So that doesn't make me a leader. Of course it does. No, I just booked a commercial. For the day. Easy work. Don't say my Nummy. You know that. You know that.

I didn't get that. $500. I got $500. $500. Yeah. Anyway. But like if I was in a, like a Native American tribe with you. Got it.

You know what I mean? We would be like Algonquin. Algonquin. You and I would be Algonquin. Right. I would be picking berries and you would be hunting meat. Yeah. Yeah.

So that doesn't, that doesn't make me a fucking leader. No, I don't see that. I'm making moccasins. No, but the thing is, is I have a look. See, here's, here's, here's why I'd rather always be you. You have a look. Don't you have a look that says I'd get killed. I'd get killed in battle.

I'm not a man. I'll get thrown off a cliff. They'll sacrifice me. I'm like a little, I'm a little Asian panda boy. Things like that. Yeah. You have that look where people are, they don't believe in him.

I have a look. Tall. German. Broad shoulders. Fix things. Women. None of that is true. None of that is true.

Yeah. Tall. Yes. But not really that tall. Shirt off. Body melts. Hits going this way. Women.

Not really good in bed with them. Don't know how to fix anything. Don't know how to cook anything. Don't really know how to lead. Just appear like I do. So I'd rather. I look like a panda. Yes.

Right. So me, I'm panda, but not I'm human. Yes. I have the same kind of things. Right. Are you saying the expectations for you are high. So you feel the pressure of that. Yes.

And I'm a let down. What I am is a let down. Wait, do your nipples really go this way? They do. They go. Mine too. Oh, look at that. I just, look at us.

And you look like a Native American. You look like, you look like a Pocahont. If Pocahont is not only fans, that's you. All right. But so my expectations are low, right? Yes. I just do anything just remotely. You know what I mean?

It's out of the box. They're like, oh, yeah, what a surprise. But I can't even do that. But like if I fucking could get a little minnow in the river. Let's say we're on a tribe. Yeah. I wouldn't even be able to fucking get the minnow. I don't even know what a minnow is.

They're not good eats. That's what I'm saying. And I'd come back with it like this little thing going, I got the meal for the whole tribe. And they would fucking blow bow and arrow me, bro. Yeah. But I feel like you wouldn't get killed by a bow and arrow. You would be a guy.

You'd survive. How would I die? Honestly, you'd survive every type of battle. You'd survive. You'd survive at all. You'd be the guy. You'd be the guy that you died of. You died of like a slight cold that turned into a fever.

That's right. You go on a two, three week illness. No, but I would be like last of the Mohicans, but in reverse. He would adopt me and check this out. When I was in high school, I told you this, right? When I was in middle school, I mean, I was at a party and this white dude goes, suck my dick and I suck his dick. Right.

I didn't even question it because I just want to be a part of the cool group. Right. Yeah. And so if I was a tribe, right, the white man, right, I would be there like, like I would do anything I could just suck. I would just do whatever it took to survive. To survive. Right.

So I'm willing to do anything to survive, betray your own people. Probably betray my own people. Yeah. Well, but, but that's what people do. So, so I was in Boston. Right. You know, I was on a tour. I love history and Paul Revere, you know, we've all heard of Paul Revere.

Never heard of him. What is it? Two of by land. Stand up. Huh? No, what is it? Who is Paul Revere? No.

Okay. So Paul Revere, colonial America. I know who he is. He did. He rode the horsey. Yes. Yeah. He rode the horsey.

Two of by land. One of by sea. If the British were coming by land, it was healed up. Two lanterns by sea. One lantern. The whole thing. Well, anyway, what a lot of people don't know about that story is at some point in the night, he gets captured by the British soldiers.

The British army captures him. Okay. Paul Revere. But he's still got more work to do. And it's lost in history. How did he, because 30 to 45 minutes later, he is released by the British for some reason, unbeknownst to the British, unbeknownst to the colonies. It just is another thing in history.

How do you think he did it? He got down his knees. He sucked their dicks and he did it for freedom. So I would say you are a patriot and you love this country and I respect you for loving this country because most times the country doesn't love you back. Oh, wow. Well, you're saying that. That's not right.

Oh, you're saying that the country doesn't love Asians back. If I was president of the United States, I would make a law that said we have to love Asians even though they're tough people to trust. We're sneaky. Sneaky. Yeah. Pro Harbor. Sneak attack.

Uncalled. Have I argued about Pro Harbor yet? You've always gone again with the white side of things. But this time I'm going to go with the Japanese side. You are. Let's go. Okay. All right.

So do you think it should have gone this way? Okay. I'm Emperor Hereto. Yeah. He's calling Roosevelt. That was the president, right? Or Eisenhower. In World War II?

During Pro Harbor. During Pro Harbor? No, the president would have been Truman. Harry Truman. Oh, no, sorry. It would have been FDR. Yeah, that's what I said. I said Roosevelt.

Because Truman. So that's what I said first, right? Yeah. But right. So Emperor Hereto, do you think the night before Pro Harbor should have called Truman and went, Hello? Hi, it's me. It's me.

How's the family, by the way? Pretty cool. Oh, that's fine. That's a rest. Right? By the way, we are talking tomorrow morning. Or you think they should have done it the way they did it. Because in a war, sneak attack is the best strategy.

Right. 100%. Right. And they did get you. Yeah. That's the thing. I think what happened was, I think what happened was is after Pro Harbor, when they tried to knock out the entire United States Navy, and they didn't because all our aircraft carriers

in the middle of the sea, I think they went back to their little Japanese huts. And there were some buildings. I think there were. There were some buildings. I think that they were probably like Emperor Hereto. They didn't hear her. Hereto. And they went, they did Julia Roberts, pretty woman voice.

They said, Big mistake. Huge. I think that's what happened. You think they regretted that decision right away. Because what happened was, is that happened, then that pissed the United States off. And then that, what, unfortunately, with the United States, when they get mad at countries like that, you know, they put it. I don't even view it that way.

I don't view they pissed off the United States. I believe they pissed off white people. Here's the thing. Because when white people get pissed off, you guys take it to the next level. We do. Well, you're not. Yeah. You guys take it to the next level.

Like serial killing. You can't just kill. You got to eat them too. Yeah. Yeah. Well, listen, I'd argue that's keto. That's what I'd argue. No car.

That's keto. Yeah. Here's the thing. You ready for this? Yeah. Ready for this? What am I about to say? And I know my grandfather would be rolling over in his urn.

Yeah. Well, he's been cremated. So he'd be just, I think the Japanese had to attack Pearl Harbor. Why? I'm not even mad at the Asians for doing that. I think they had no choice. Because what happened was, is by the way, let's just talk, you're Korean anyway, right? I'm specifically Korean.

I think it's totally okay. 10% Japanese. 10% Japanese. That's what 23Me says, but I don't know if I agree. Even though I'm all about stopping, even though I'm all about stopping Asian hate, I think we can, I think we can shit on 1930s Japanese people. I think we can shit on them all day, rape of Nanking, killing babies, Chinese babies with bayonets.

No good. Yeah. Those are no good. Yeah. The Americans treated the Japanese like second-class citizens in World War I treaty. Japan, they didn't give them nothing. We said, no, you know, just bring me more wine. Get out of here.

Little Japanese boys and girls. That's what the Americans were. We said, no, get out of here. Yeah. We said, put some shoes and socks on when you come into this meeting, stop sitting on the fucking floor. That's what they said to the country of Japan in World War I and Treaty of, besides messed up.

Right. No, but it's messed up. Yeah, I know. But then. Don't smile when you say it though. Okay. Because when you smile, when you say it, it just adds a different context. There's a smirk.

There's a smirk. Yeah. They got angry. They said, you know, were you showing up to these meetings or in a fucking bathrobe or in suits here? So they got. Probably never happened, but go ahead. They got mad.

So they got mad. Did they just walk around with their samurai swords? And I get that. They're 20 years. These guys showed up to the fucking big meeting with all the world leaders on a bicycle. You can't do that. So. So.

So. So. So. I love it. Yeah, I love it. So then 25 years between World War I and World War II, Japan getting angry, angry, angry. They start taking over more of Asia. They're taking over China.

They want to take Vietnam. They want to take all these countries and they're winning. They're doing well. So who's giving them the oil to supply their Japanese war machine? The United States. We're giving them the oil. But then after Japan starts to take over a little bit too much, they got too close. They got too close to the Philippines and United States wants the Philippines.

We want Thailand. That's where our lady boys are. We like that. We need that. Yeah. So we're not going to give that up. The presidents are not going to give. Philippines was Epstein's Island before Epstein's Island.

So we were fucking. What's Epstein's Island? Epstein. Well, we have 7000 islands. Oh, Jeffrey. Epstein Island. I get it. I get it.

I get it now. We had our little island. Beautiful island. No, the big, that's the truth. I don't like what went on there, but that's a beautiful island. Beautiful island. And beautiful lady boys there and beautiful kids that they would have sex with. I don't even know about that.

But the island, the topography. No, this is history. This is the 1940s. Okay. So then what happened was we got too close to the Philippines. So the United States says, FDR says, no more oil for Japan. And then what happened? Now the war, now we're stuck.

Now the Japanese war machine stuck in China. It's like, what the fuck? What are we going to do? And now, unfortunately, we have to attack the United States and they had, they made a plan to say, we will attack Pearl Harbor. They're big aircraft carriers. The United States big aircraft carriers will be out in the middle of the ocean. But the Japanese interpreter, unfortunately, he was dyslexic.

This is true. Are you sure? Flip the dates. Are you sure? Are you sure? No, it's a scheduling error. A scheduling error. Wait, wait.

That's true. No, that's true. The interpreter was dyslexic. The interpreter was dyslexic. We thought December 7th, 1941 meant all the things, all the aircraft carriers would be in the water, but it was really, like, it was really, it was really like July 12th. It was 12, 7, 7, 12. I got, I okay.

He fucked up. I never did that. Thank you so much for coming. He got beheaded. That guy got beheaded when he got back to Japan. Oh. No, no, you don't understand how bad they fucked. Japan knew immediately that they fucked up because now you just woke up the sleeping giant.

We were neutral. We were not going to fight in the war. Right. And then, you know, things got hairy from there. But the Japanese did put up a good fight. But then we had to nuke them, but that wasn't really, it was a whole thing. That was Harry Truman, though. I will say Polio FDR would not have nuked Japan, but then he died because he has fucking

polio. Right. And then we put Harry S. Truman in there, and that guy just wanted to prove a point. Do you think that was, you think the nuclear bomb was overboard or you think that was a? I think, I think, I think it was our way to show just like how China threw COVID at everyone. I think we had to show, I think we had to show what happened was the truth of the nuke is there. Basically it's like, if I was fucking in a porn, right, I was in a Japanese porn and

I'm like, all right. And then Shaquille O'Neal came in with his big dick. Yes. Right. That's what I feel like. Oh. Yeah. The nuclear bomb.

It's the same thing. Thank you. Marketing has been the United States key. Why we are, we're number one for a while is because we're good marketers. From the Revolutionary War was all declaration of dependence. This is all a lie. It was marketing. We're just marketing to the people by our lies, by our lies.

It's all lies. We're nuclear bomb. We told the people, oh, we have to invade mainland Japan, go to Tokyo. You know, these Japanese guys, they're fighting in holes. They're running around. They're like, they're jumping off. They'll kill all of us. They'll kill another million of your sons.

Do you want that? The American people say, we don't want that. Okay. Here's the other option. We dropped the nukes on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to random places. They say, okay, we want that because then our soldiers won't die. But the truth is Japan was going to surrender. They were going to surrender.

Russia. That's the thing. Russia came into the war and that's what scared the Japanese. The only thing that scares Japanese people are Russians and dogs. You guys don't like dogs, right? I love dogs. I thought you got scared of dogs. I have four dogs upstairs.

No. So, Russians were, that's the Japanese, that was the government of Japan's Godzilla. Godzilla. Russia. I know what Godzilla is without the accent. So, Russia was coming in from one way and they said, Japan was like, no, no, no, we don't want to fight the fucker Russians. Those guys are fucking crazier than us.

They're like Japanese people, but bigger and wider. So they're like, fuck those guys. So the United States were saying, here's a nice timing for the United States to come in and say, well, we have this thing. We took our little Jew boy, Albert Einstein, and we took it from Germany. We took a little baby Einstein from Germany and we said, make a nuke. Make a nuke. Or we'll tell everyone you were fucking little boys on Epstein's Island and that you're,

that's what we're going to do. Just like we have that shit now. We said, listen to the little Einstein, you little fucker. You make the nuke for us. And then Einstein and Robert Oppenheimer, they make the nuke. Now we got a nice fucking weapon. And so we say, we got to drop it. Who's the best place to drop it on?

Japanese. Right. Drop it on them. So we dropped two. First one, unnecessary. Second one, I can't explain to you how unnecessary it was beyond unnecessary. But what did it do? Showed Russia, do not fuck with us.

Don't fuck with us. So that's really why we did it. So it's fucked up. And I still believe to this day that someday Japan, there's no way Japan just forgot about that. No, but it's funny because I did see a documentary. I think it was called, um, it's on HBO. It's about Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

And in the beginning of the fucking documentary, they had just modern day Japan and people walking up to like young, the youth and going, do you know what happened? What was the date during Nagasaki Hiroshima? It was 1945. Do you remember happened this day at 1945? And they're like, I don't know. They didn't know. No, I know.

I think they've completely forgotten or whatever. Well, they don't know their history. It's all, it's all history, you know, as I say, it's written by the winners, but you got to read it from the losers. You got to read books. I like to watch documentaries from what's the Nazis point of view? What's the Japanese point of view? What's the British point of view?

Then you start to come. Then the story starts to meet. I love the Nazis point of view. What is the Nazis point of view? Well, the Nazis point of view, my dear, is that number one, fun fact, most Germans, like overwhelming majority, 80% plus, some say, did not know about the Holocaust. The Nazi army did not want anything to do with the Holocaust. They did not want to put Jewish people in ovens.

That was a small faction of Germans. Horrible, yes. Can't deny it. Bad Holocaust. We got Republicans and then we have insurrectionists, which is like a smaller group. Exactly. Exactly. So, right, exactly.

So, you know, like the SS would have been the ones, that's the small group of people. They hated Jews. They were truly racist. Yeah. So they hated Jews, want to put them in ovens, blah, blah, blah, blah. Did they really though? Yeah. I mean, did they really hate them or are they just being influenced by one guy?

Yeah. Like anything else. Well, there's influence. Well, I think that there was, first of all, the Jews are very good, very cunning, ran a lot of the businesses in Germany. They were doing better than most Germans. They just figured it out quicker. But you got to put yourself in the, put yourself in the little German shoes.

Put yourself in the little German shoes of young Hassan Pfeffer, young Hans Heidenberger in Germany in the 1920s. They got destroyed in World War I. They had no country, completely destroyed. So that treaty that I was telling you about where we told the Japanese, because we won World War I, United States, where we told the Japanese, even though Japanese was on our side, we said, Japan, get out of here. We gave Germany, not only did we give Germany nothing, we gave Germany nothing.

We also said, you owe us, you ready for this, one billion dollars in 1919 money. So what is Germany supposed to do? Hate the Jews. That's what they have to do. They have to now rally around a group, say, I hate this group for X, Y, and Z. Make the military get, get, get, get themselves out of debt through war. That's the only way. And then they start to rebuild their country.

I'm like, we're going to take over everyone. When everyone else in the 1930s, after they won World War I, was just sitting there drinking the lemonade. It's a Japanese, you know, China having fun with the bayonets, Japanese inventing, you know, harirang and whatever, hibachi stuff. The Americans making hot dogs, getting fat, Canadians blowing moose, you know, Mexicans running the cartels. We're all having fun.

What are the Nazis doing? They're cutting down building machines, Luftwaffe, building the air force, saying we're going to fucking kill everybody now because you fucked us. And that's what they tried to do. You know they were this close. Don't. That's how big their dicks were? That.

That's what I think we like to do. They do think Hitler was Hitler because he had micro penis, but that's a rumor. Do we really? Do you know what that checks out? Germany. But they said that's the reason why they did it. That's the reason why they said we have to try to take over everyone because we have no money.

The regular German citizen sitting there in 1925 had no money. They had like three dollars. They would make like three to five dollars a year with inflation. So what are they going to do? They have to fight. Is there any moments in your life where you can just be quiet? No. No, I'm just saying.

What I realized about you, Chris, you know, it's like you have to keep talking, talking. You're like Howie Mandel in that way. Howie Mandel has to constantly be doing. I'm excited to deal with him. I love him. He's one of the greatest guys, but he's constantly moving. Like if you go to a studio, he's like, you got to see this and look at this one we're doing.

That's what he did for us. Like that whole hologram thing that he's doing. Look at this hologram. You stand there and it's just, you can't just just, you know, we haven't even started the podcast. We haven't introed the show yet. We haven't introed the show or anything and you're giving us a fucking history lesson, man.

I like it. I like it too. I love it. I love it. I learned a lot. I learned so much. I'm a high school history teacher. So I like it.

You think you've ever hooked up with any of the students? My mom. She was a high school student when they, how are you guys doing? Let me start the fucking podcast. You fucked up his history flow. I loved it. It was great. Yeah, but there was a time though.

I was like, I love this, but shut up. No, I was like, I just kind of want to move on. That's what happens with history. So you want to move on, but the reason I love it is because it's cyclical. You're seeing what all those stuff happen now. It's so crazy. This Abe Japanese Prime Minister bandit shot looks very, feels very similar to how World War I started.

Wow. Franz got shot and then you're, now all these countries are already starting to get, everyone's starting to get fucking nervous now. Before we move on, I don't want to jump off the history wagon just yet. What are your thoughts? Are you like in the know in regards to the new Philippine president, Bong Bong Marcos? His name is Bong Bong Marcos. Yeah.

Bong, yeah. No, I don't, I actually don't know anything about him other than he probably has small hands. Oh, okay. How do you spell Bong Bong? Bong Bong. B-O-G, B-O-N-G, B-O-N-G. Oh, one word.

Bong Bong. Is Bong fine? I mean, can you call him Bong or do you have to go Bong Bong or you'll get mad. What's up Bong? Bong Bong. Bong Bong. Bong Bong, are you my bad? You have to double it up all the time in the Philippines.

It's in the Philippines. Conservative, liberal. What's his politics? He's a Marcos. He's a, ML the Marcos' son. Oh, okay. So yeah. Is that a woman on the left?

Are they both CGI Bong Bongs? Oh, Bong Bongs two people. No. Oh, you're Bong and Bong. What the fuck is, what am I looking at? Is the leader of Philippine strands? Who is that? That's Bong Bong.

That's a man. Is that a woman on the left? You don't know. Yeah, I don't know what is going on here. It's a coin flip. To me, they're all women. That's him right here. That's Bong Bong.

So then who's the person on the left? I believe it's a woman. That is, no. I think that's Sara Duterte, which is the daughter of. And she's a guy? She's a VP. VP, yeah. Yeah.

When they just all breed with each other, they just all look the same, I think. Yeah. That's what's going on. Yeah, I mean. Yeah. Yeah. If he looks, the Filipino president looks like he could be okay, but I guess there's a darkness behind him, right?

Yeah, I can see. Yeah. But who's worse? Bong Bong or Duterte? We don't know yet. We're about to find out. Yeah, they used to kill. Duterte is the one who used to kill citizens in the street, right?

Yeah. Like shoot them in the... We're swimming in the ocean. But what were they doing? That's the question. That's the question. And that's the question that we all have to ask. But why?

Yeah. They're swimming? I said gay. Anyway, go ahead. Five. Four. Three. Welcome to another episode of...

We're just starting now. It's a 25 minute. We're just fucking starting. Oh, is all of that unusable? No. Oh, no. It's a hit. It's a hit.

Anyway, we're opening with that. Right? But now we're going to do the intro because I can't do it. I have to do it. I have to do the intro. Okay. I don't know why I do. I just have to.

It's like an itch. Yeah. It's like a compulsion. It's a compulsion to do it. That's fine. Yeah. Yeah. I would love to dive into history with you.

There's many things I have to ask. We can ask them all. I will ask them all. But why? I mean, how do you know? Do you do it with the history class? I love history. I went to history at school.

I was a history minor in college. I love history. I'm fascinated with it. You know, I think I like history. Yeah. I've been trying to think about this. I think about this a lot. I really get deep into thought when I'm on the toilet bowl or masturbating.

That's when I was masturbating the other night. I was like, why do I like history so much? And I think it's because it's the only place that I love that never changes. It's a constant. It can't change. I could change my story about how I interpret the facts, but the facts don't change. It is there. It is always going to be the same, and it calms my anxiety to just know that the way

I remember it is I can check up on that and it's always going to be that way because that's what happened. It's history. Yeah, you like that. But here's why I don't like history, too. It seems as if we never learn from our history. It keeps repeating itself, right? I mean, if you watch Chernobyl, the TV show, and then you watch the documentary on Three

Mile Island, right? It's just the same kind of vibe. Even the stuff that's going on in our government and what's going on in our, what's going on with the, it just, it just reminds me of the past and I feel like human beings don't evolve. We don't change. And human nature is greed. Human nature is power.

And I don't think that's ever going to change. I mean, Socrates said it 2,000 years ago, people will be people. Always. People will be people. People will be people. Depesh mode said that, too. Depesh mode said that. People.

People. So why should it? Yep, you and I. Something like that. Yeah. What do you think about? David Gauhan, what's up? Martin Gore.

No. Martin Gore. But who's the lead character. Is that Alson? David. What? David Gauhan. But what do you think about when you masturbate, Bobby?

Pussy. Not you. Your history. History gets you out of it. Very, very, very rarely thinks about how to sex with a woman. I'm sorry, I'm simple minded. So it's just history. So history.

Not necessarily history. I would say when I masturbate, it's usually blank. It's just blank. Oh, it's a blank slate. Yeah, I don't really think about it. You're like an artist. Yes, right. You're like Rembrandt. I would say you're ready for this the Network the channel that I have mastered the the background noise that I've masturbated to the most in my life by far as ESPN 100%

Huh, what's showing whose voice? Um Scott van Pelt. No, not Scott van Pelt. Well old oldie, but goodie RIP's Stuart Scott I would I like that his voice soothing RIP Never really the theme once a while jerk off a little bit the females tennis something that jerk off to the WNBA because it Makes me think about my dad No, I'm saying cuz that yeah, no one won't wait well It won't wait I uh yeah, yeah, I because my dad This is what he used to do if I would have a bad basketball game Yeah, or a bad practice

He would make it a point to take me to either a WNBA New York Liberty game or a Duh or a women's high school game and be like look at look at these girls. They're fucking better than you look They can do it. He would he would say you're low these girls. That's a girl and she's better than you How does that make you think you sit there on my dick in between my legs and sit on my nuts? Really he was like that No, he wasn't he was like he would do that a couple of times funny But he was very adamant about you need to like you're not proud enough. Yeah, he would hit me with a broom We're not you know, we would have all types of

Drills basketball drills that we do shooting drills dribbling drills. He would always hit me with a broom Oh, he throws something, you know baseball He's my baseball coach if I was sitting there like you know Like just would like looking into fucking space at butterflies whatever playing short stuff He throw a ball at me as hard as he could then one time he hit me in the chest. Oh First time I got you ever cry at home. Oh, yeah room alone. I remember one time. I got hit by pitch I was maybe in fifth grade. I got hit by a pitch and I fell collapse at home plate crying Yeah, hip I my dad walks out. My dad slowly walks out

I hear the slam of you know, the you know, you keep score fucking slam the book down Cuz like look at my gay son crying at home plate. So then he's like good up get the fuck up Walking slowly like you're fucking embarrassing me get up. Oh man get up. It's just your back There's two ways to deal with that right right one is to get up get up right or would you like the alternative which is like? Oh, okay, there's a middle. There is there's only two there's well What's the middle would give me the middle response? Don't coddle and don't abuse like say it. I'm Yeah, I'm crying. How old are you right? I'm his age five. How old are you? 11 right to the ball hits me the chest. I'm no

But I know you're okay, right? I'm not you say you're on the ground. I was on the ground I was being a little bitch. Okay, doesn't matter. It hurts. I've had baseballs hit me in the chest. Oh, it doesn't hurt It doesn't crack your sternum. Maybe and I'm sorry that happened to you my friend. So I'm crying. Yeah, so give me the middle way You're okay son, you're okay I Don't interfere because I'm not a helicopter parent and I don't get in the way. This is your telling us on yes I'm like, you're okay son. Get up. You'll be okay. And if he says he's not and then I'll be and then if he comes back To the dugout. I'd be like, hey, you okay, buddy? Get back out there. I know you can do this

I'm not gonna coddle him and be like, oh my baby, but I'm like get back out there. You got this not me man What would you do ice cream? Oh My god ice cream immediately. Yeah, what flavor do I find it 31 If I didn't get a hit my dad would buy an ice cream cone for me Yeah, I could buy it like if I say I was it went off through by an ice cream cone. It's like, oh, you want it didn't fucking Really, I swear to God throw it across right for it. What are the most humiliating things that ever happened to me was after a race I thought I had done good in I was a swimmer. I Walked towards my mom and I thought for sure that she would be happy with my time. Yeah instead in front of everybody

She I'm eight years old. Yeah, she grabs me by my gut Yeah, like this. Yeah, and she rings it in front of everyone and I couldn't like a lie and a pain Just because she wasn't happy with I should have been better to her My I was never good enough. Wow, and I just like I remember collapsing to the ground Humiliated terrible. Yeah. Do you chubby as a youngster too? No, I barely had a champion swimmer, dude I'm a champion swimmer. There was no fat there I was the best in my country and it still wasn't good enough So she would just like abuse me in front of everybody and but no one ever interfered and everyone just sort of just like

Let me stand there in pain with no interference at all. You know what my dad used to do what? When I was losing a wrestling match, I would be like on my back and I would look in the stands and I could just see him leave He wouldn't say anything. Yeah, right. He wouldn't go Or nothing he would just kind of look on the ground and just walk out. You think he waited for that moment Make eye contact with you Maybe but what sucked about it is that he was my right home Oh

Right, so I would wait until everyone you know after everyone the coach would drive me home Sure, right, but that was and I would just sit in the back and go. Yeah, I fucked up But but if he was like yelling at me while I was losing like you pussy Why you pussy? You know me? I think that'd be traumatic. Could you ever imagine your daughters? Like let's say same thing happens to them. They hit my softball. Yeah, what would you do if my daughter got hit? It hit by a softball. Yeah, get up you dyke No, yeah, no, I wouldn't know be real your daughter gets hit. She's crying Yeah, I can't because especially a little girl. I'd probably carry I would I would be like you don't have to play I

Would go too soft probably I would not I But I would have her mother would be the one who would be more like get up You know be a woman all that stuff where I would be like it's okay, baby. I'm sorry. I push you too hard Like I would I think because my dad pushed me so hard athletically. I am now too soft on see I feel I'm that's why I'm soft Because my dad was so hard. Yeah, my mom was so hard right everything. I do is soft, right? Yeah, I think they fucked me up in that way the fuck you up. Yeah. Yeah, I would caudal You know I mean don't do your homework whatever you want like I remember I want you know back in the day There was Sega and like a video game Sega. Yeah, you nothing. I

Got nothing. Yeah, I mean and that's why now I have access to these things so I buy it all Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's okay. It is yeah because you just you know Whatever the shape to you are as a person you have to just be okay with who you are you have to be friendly with your present Yeah, you know, I honestly like the makeup of my parents and the way I was Raised brought me to this place moment right now. Yes, and the moment right now in my life is perfect You feel perfect It's it's the way it's supposed to be and and and I'm gonna tell you this I You know, I never dreamed I would be here

Right, you know me and it was all these little survival skills I did as a kid like being sarcastic and funny and outlandish and I would act out and You know my parents and everyone thought God this kid's never gonna have a future but those things became assets Oh, yeah, so when I'm in front of a crowd I'm there's no fear when it comes to certain things like that. I could just go out and just yeah do it Cuz I got and you have an example because you did all that and you capitalized like I like you know Well, you and I came up well the first time I met you opi and Anthony those opi days of the comic shows You're fucking trashing each other. Oh, it's just you know, you don't like those times. I do you miss those times. Oh my now

Now we got a guy who's gonna you know Just take the joke dickhead I know I know how you get better. I know here's the thing, okay? I'll tell you why those days were great Because there was no system this cancel culture so you can make shit up and say crazy things and just go say whatever you wanted to Say right and then opi would kind of go Yeah, like I would go even between breaks. Yeah, you know, I mean I would go to them It's like am I being too crazy now that keep going. Yeah, you have to say crazier things. Yeah, right? So you would suck a bull dick. That's for the first time ever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was my 9-11

but the first time I But the first time I did it though Was traumatic because you understand I was from sketch comedy and stand up and from the West Coast and I was there and it was I'm Greg Geraldo Patrice Norton a bunch of them right and and open Anthony. Yeah, and as I walked in they just Tore me destroyed you to pieces where I had to walk out. Yeah, I left. No, I That it's one of the was that the bull did Wow

That's a good look all right, who are those four people are dead two of those people are dead I have that. No, they can Lee and Carl Ruiz. No. Yeah, they're both dead. How Vic died in the beginning of COVID From COVID and Carl died of a heart attack like two years ago. Oh shit. Yeah, and asleep. No I don't know if Vic had COVID. I think he died in the beginning of COVID. Okay. Yeah, but everything goes in three So I'm one of these other guys are gonna die. Oh, no, so which one is it gonna be? I have the full fucking no you you took that like a champ. Oh my yeah Yeah, I bit into the I would tell people oh, I saw Bobby eat a bull dick and I never put on my mouth But then there's a picture of me putting it in my mouth

But I like you're you're giving a pleasure You're like the tip of the fucking dick my life literally I have zero recollection of me doing that I blocked it out. I blocked out me licking on a fucking bull dick. Yeah, that was the first day we ever met Yep, and immediately this and this had never this had never happened for open he goes Opie goes Let's go have breakfast. Yeah, which he had never done before so I'm like, oh, I'm in the club and Chris was there and you were young. How long ago how long ago was that must have been 2016? So so so I was 32 31. Oh, so that's not that far five six years ago. Yeah, yeah five six years I remember this day. Oh, you do very clearly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because I just had my daughter. Oh

Yes, you did. Yeah, you did. Yeah. How was Opie good? Oh, he's good. I texted him the other days in the Hamptons I love that guy. Let his hair grow out real long. You should have Opie on the pod Oh, when does he come here? He doesn't come here. That's that's the problem that I would have ever do it in New York No, man, never done. We never done it there. You know what's interesting about me being here today I was thinking about this on the way up is the last time because you guys just publicly announced your breakup Yeah, the last time I was here was when history hyenas had just broken up Right. Yeah, it's a breakup thing and it's interesting because I know it's interesting because I just was like, oh, wow, like how like poetic

Now because remember when I came in remember when I came in remember. Yeah. Well, what what did you put on? team yonah, team yonah Oh, wow. Yes Yo, it's the same shirt It's the same shirt Chris the Stefano So first thing he has won the whites have beat the Asians once again just psych world war two This is my favorite day of any podcast I've ever done

That is so funny. Thank you for that because I did I not wear the team yonah shirt? I didn't No, you didn't you work did not I didn't only bobby didn't only bobby. Thank you for that. He's gonna need a second to recover I need thoughts on why uh team kalayla Um, really the only thought of truthfully it's doing because I know you guys broke up that sad I sucked the only reason I did is because he put on the team yonah I just thought it'd be funny to put on team kalayla team because you know I just thought it'd be but you would be team kalayla. No, no, no, no in real life. You know my team, right? Oh 100%

Yeah, no, 100 you guys a bull dick together. Come on. That's like a like so that's a brotherhood No, that's what it is. Yeah, but this see like something like this doing this just shitting on having fun I love how comics heal where like some other podcasts might be like That's offensive. I'm gonna shoot you I have no idea what you're talking about, but I like it. We're doing comedy here. You do comedy. This is the show I know we're doing the show Coming in hot today. I think we don't edit shit today Wow

Put that down Yeah, you know what but you know what I what I want to tell people though is because I've talked to a lot of like Podcasts going well, I'm getting a lot of hate And I'm getting a lot of this and that and it's like what they don't understand is is that it's still money in your pocket The worst thing that someone can say about you online, right? Is them thinking about you. Yeah, and once they're thinking about you in one way or another It's money in your fucking pocket. Yeah. Thank god You'd rather from a troll online than than being in person with patrice o'neill or somebody like thank god

He's dead. Thank god, you know, thank god. Jim nor and Keith Roberts and those old school guys You don't want them to fucking because they nicked apollo. Yeah, nicked apollo will hurt you with his words Some twitter troll asshole. He's done comedy once in his life. What they're saying is bullshit. Nick will hurt you Yeah, yeah with great jokes. Colin Quinn. They will come out and they will get you to where you know, you can't the pain never goes away You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm twitter idiot. It's like just block him I'm these things to me where I've like talked about in therapy. Yes. You're like, oh, that was personal. Yes I mean, that's you know, I they talk about your acting how bad actor you are. I mean, they don't give a fuck Shit on you. I'm just a shit on you. Yeah. Yeah, these guys you get wonder by that, but it's beautiful. That's why I do comedy

Yeah, I do but but you know kind of I want to say something controversial I have more of an affinity And a love for I think east coast Okay, in terms of the because like with norton and stuff like one time when we're in montreal, I think yeah He was like, let's go have coffee and you know with his girlfriend and stuff. We had coffee and and um We hung out and I hang out with andrew shaltz and I don't hang out with they don't invite me out The la comics, right? Like burr christ you had a fourth of july party

Wouldn't we roll that we did roll the tapes back for that and it turns out you specifically said burr Do not invite me to your fourth of july party. Just put me on your tour But he didn't put me on his tour That's the problem. I see. I see. Yeah. I keep calling my agent. They go. No, never call Right. So that's that you know, once the deal he broke the deal once that deal is over You have to invite me to your fourth of july party. I feel very much like an outsider in comedy, too I think I think even you know, you might talk to burr christ or he might feel like an outsider I think it's just part of our makeup. We always feel like we're not that gay that gay comic evan

evan williams. Yeah Yeah, the gay comic evan williams. He's yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You said he was gay, right? Emilio savone owner of new york comedy Yeah, yeah camera because I didn't think it was but you know what I mean if that's what you say But my point is no, no, I didn't think he was gay either. But once it was re-bottled twice. I was like I was like, wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Yeah. I mean, do you make a phone call? You made a phone call to call somebody and go. Are you sure he's not gay? But my point is is that he's with george tachai right now So, um the other day I was hanging out with evan williams. Yes, um the gay comic from new york and he um

Cute guy though. Very cute and we were like mini chris proud if he was gay like a mini mini gay And we were having lunch And I didn't know he was a comic And he goes, oh by the way, I'm a comic and I go. Oh Cool. He's like, but I moved here from new york And I go, well, who do you know and he went to the first name Was you stop that's why I called you because they call me because he wanted to like show that he knew top guys Oh, that's right. That would say nice things about him, right? Right. He didn't say

He didn't say, you know, any of those other guys mark normal or anybody He went to you first. That's why I called you Well, thank you. So I don't think that you're an outsider in that way Well, I appreciate him saying that and you saying that but I still Feel like though like all those guys have barbecues in new york and do things in new york too Or lists. I'm never on any of them Yeah, but is it because I'm not either beings because they just know that you're not going to show up That's true too. I am flaky. Yeah, I'm flaky too. I think that won't show up if we change our behavior

Maybe they'll we'll start you're right. We are the one it it all all your happiness sadness and all comes from within I think I'm the one I'm dictating my own future. I'm Subconsciously saying I don't want to be in your list. I don't want to be on your team So I'm do things to make it that way subconsciously. That's what probably is that you're right, right? But don't you think you see leader? You're a leader Then you see you I you can make people think differently and then radically change You fucking already know this but I didn't you have to pull it out of me Yeah, what leaders do and I know this about you because it's like you and I you don't really

We don't call each other. No, you're right And we only see each other in this space And I don't even think we'd ever do anything together Which is sad to me, but I have called you and texted you before Yeah, but if it's something if my life is blowing up When I found out headline you'll call headlines Right, right. You know, I mean Bobby's dying. You'll call right Oh, no, when but in a random day like if it's raining you're you safe

Yeah, but I don't know the la weather system But when you when you announced the breakup, what did I say? I called you. Did you? Yes. I don't think you did on the phone We did yes, Bobby. Oh my god Yes, look on the phone. Let me just look. I want to look at our text exchanges. All right. Yeah, all right called you and I said How are you? No, I think I do I could prove it with chris So, um, let me just read some of this. Okay, we also never introed chris. We will in a second. We will in a second What it is Christie baby

Evan Williams favorite comic, you know, no, you know what? We you and I have a really good text exchange actually. Yeah, go ahead read it. I can't read this stuff. You can't I mean Out of I don't know why just out of nowhere. You sent me this Oh, that's Joey Kamasta. It is. Yeah, but why would you send me that? Just I wanted you to know what was up Yeah, you could send that if you could post it if you want to send that put that on the pod Yeah, and then you love that then you sent me this yep That's that was me laying down. Um without I believe I had a fever that night. Yeah. Yeah, so you're right

I haven't sent you any photos. No, I send you photos. I check. Yeah, so that's me That's you. Yeah, it's me because and I'm the bad guy because remember what I said to you You know a few days ago. I said, how are you coping? I said, I would assume that these things personally have been going on for a long time But that's right out. But now publicly since you've made a statement It's going to get difficult and I want you to know let you know I'm here and you said I want to talk about that You said, do you know Evan Williams? So you very quickly brush it off. Well, that's because I because The reason why is because I called you

Not because of my personal life. Yeah, because I wanted you to see what you thought of this guy But while he has you on the phone, he wants to know what how your heart when I'm calling for one thing I need to get that over with okay, all right And how about this in an effort to you when because you had call I we were playing phone tag But when you called me back I went because I knew how important it was that you I thought maybe you're calling about this that maybe just need Someone to talk to I was trying showing my daughter how to ride a bike We had just taken the training wheels off and I let go of the of the seat hand to pick every call and she fell

Is that a real true story real true story if she was fine. She fell through Patrick grass She's like, why'd you let me go? I was like, Bobby's on the phone Oh, well, okay. Well, then she's fine. But she got up off that bike Yeah, and guess what she put herself back on that bike and and continue to rides go there you go You know what? I don't like when you just brought that up. You know what? I don't like what when comics kids don't know who their friends are Oh, yeah, you were upset that burt christier's burt christier's doesn't daughter doesn't know who I am Well, you don't even go to the july 4th barbecues. I mean how that's true. That's what I'm saying That's why I wanted to go anyway, you know what I mean, but your kid knows

Because if I had a kid they would know your name even though you have fucked up last name It's hard to say my kid knows who you are. She thinks you're Mulan The whole cast or just her So if she if she saw me she's like there's Mulan Mulan live action Pocahontas Oh, oh god. Yeah. Oh, so everything. Yeah. Momoa. What's that? What? No, Moana. Moana. Moana. Yeah Yeah, what's this right here? Uh, a toy story. Yeah. No. Yeah, Buzz Lightyear. What are you then? Uh, me? Yeah, well, she she said she said that I I remind her of in Pocahontas John Smith. She's like, oh, you look like John Smith

Why John Smith and she thinks her mother's more Pocahontas. Yeah Yeah, you know what I also like about you is is that if I didn't know who you are and I just looked at a photo of you Yeah, it would it's it would just be I would have on already a storyline And this is the kind of guy this guy is there is no way that I would think that this is the kind of personality And the way you talk and your point of view that there's no way I would be able to base that on a photo How about me if you saw a photo of me? You didn't know who the fuck I was. What would you gather if um, but let me show you the photo though Okay, if I didn't know anything about you, but I don't know anything about you I would say this guy right here

Uh is going through some type of identity crisis. I would say hold on Go ahead Works at city bank Really that with the beanie and everything or no not the beanie if you took the beanie off How about that, how about that, how about that, how about that Okay, okay, there it is. Okay. There it is. I'm gonna do a different face though. Yep. All right. Okay. So just like this right here Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Okay Okay, so that's Margaret Cho

I see all right. That's Margaret Cho. That's Margaret Cho. Uh, who is it? I'm a big fan Uh, okay that right there. Yeah, this is I would say that's this is a guy He's was one of those asian guys that um, actually he did storm the capital. This is the type There was one asian guy. You know what I mean? Like like asian guys who like you have like a new york accent and yeah Right, you're one of those guys where you you're not you're very very conservative. Wow Yeah, but with the beanie on with the beanie on no, yeah No, this guy actually this fully right here. You you look like like you look like a trans woman from portland That's a good idea. Wow. Yeah, okay. Fully trans. Yeah

Trans people are I love them. Oh, I love them. I got him in my family. Yeah, you do. Oh, yeah I love him. He's so funny tt gerry. Yeah tt gerry. Yeah tt gerry and she's great and she's smart tt gerry See it's it's very beneficial to have someone yeah in your life Who you know went through prison and then rehabilitated themself and it has a criminal mindset But it's not a criminal what happened was is last week. I wasn't home last week. I had to fix my air conditioners I got central ac in my house and the big units are in the attic and one of the guys one of the mix I think he was mexican or guatemalan Was working up there fell through the ceiling. Oh, fully fell through the ceiling like what kind of who steps through beams

And an unfinished attic and falls through the ceiling It's like you should know that but whatever guy falls through the ceiling that could turn out to be a big problem for me false whatever He's all of a sudden he's on the floor the foreman who speaks english who doesn't do the work calls me He goes one of my guys just fell through your ceiling his neck hurts. Oh, so I call I wasn't home. I call the house tt gerry picks up the phone. I'm like tt You know this workers up there. He's like, oh my god. We heard a loud bang. What happened up there I was like one of the workers fell through the ceiling and she was like what an asshole

And I was like, yeah, and I was like well, he's saying his neck hurts now Can you get him a Ice or something like that and she goes no poppy. They're gonna try to sue you and I was like Oh, is that what it is? She was like, of course She was that she was like, let me go handle this and then she what I got a call back from the foreman Everything's fine. They're gonna paint the ceiling sand the ceiling and you know, it'll just be the price of the job I found out like an hour later tt gerry went up there and was like, you know in spanish to him Like oh your neck hurts and he's like see see my my neck hurts. I'm gonna continue the job and he was like

Oh, he's like, okay. He goes where can I see your papers? Let me see your papers that let me see them. So you have papers, right from this country And he was like, I have no papers and he was and then jerry pointed to the attic finish Yeah, and he finished that's yeah, he I want him jerry. Do you think tt would do our show? I think if tt we've never bought tt to california. Why not? No, we're gonna bring her we're gonna bring her because now she is fully off parole So she will come now. She's as free as any of us. Oh nice. Yeah. Yeah, we would love to have tt He's great. She's my daughter. My baby daughter's godmother. I'm tt's biggest fan. I think she's the best

I'm obsessed with tt any clip I see with tt. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen her and my father had been bonding over tucker Carlson my dad Yeah, wait, wait, wait tt legs tucker. No, so what happened was is is my dad watches fox news big fox news guys Whatever he's 75 year old white. Yeah, that's what you want him to watch. Yeah. Yeah, so so so you They were had on fox news the other night and tt gerry a transgender Puerto Rican ex-emain and my italian father up from Florida tampitoni up from florida new york more conservative have become best friends You would never think that they

They're like the new odd couple best friends. They do everything together They drop my kids off at school when I can't be there the Teacher of the the principal of the camp must think that they're just like a gay couple They might they're like sex trafficking children. They have no idea what's going on. They're like this gay transgender guy and this You know, my daddy looks like retarded. He's got a lazy eye. He's got a bionic fucking leg You know, like he looks like special needs guy. Yeah, and so everybody's like a guido or whatever. Yeah, you love fox news Yeah, t lost fox news tampitoni But gerry doesn't want gerry doesn't watch the news. She says she gets she finds out her news from like the talk

Wendy Williams show that's that's how she catches up on stuff. Yeah, she loves that Yeah, so so they were watching fox news and then she had never seen tucker Carlson Wow, and she said to my father she goes, you know for a white guy I think tucker Carlson probably got a big dick and And my father was like, you know, I never thought about that I've never thought about that either until now. He didn't like dismiss him. He was like, I never thought about that I think that made titi feel safe and then they started talking about she started talking about how fucking handsome He is and if if he was ever in prison that would be the kind of guy she hooks up with

And they were and now they watched they watched tucker Carlson every night together tt gerry jerks off to his look and my father jerks off to his politics Wow Wow, yeah, so there's something for everyone in that show. That's what it is. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Watch the news long enough though. Whatever cnn fox is whatever it is You watch it long enough They brainwash you to think that these people would never get along in our america And our america is the truth is that transgender Personatic conservative Italian guy our best friends. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's never thought of it that way

That's true. If I if I watch this show I don't watch it enough But maybe I could find something that will get me to be hooked on it Just think about his big white dick. Yeah, but the dick's not a thing for me. Yeah. Yeah, because I'm not gay I will say though. I did a show on fox news a couple weeks ago. Brian kill me show Yeah, I appear they um fox does have many asian people that work there Oh, yeah, what does that have anything to do with anything behind the scenes you mean? Yeah, they were they were there Yeah, they're just hard workers. They're good in tech. They're good with tech That doesn't necessarily mean that they're they believe in the politics. You think they believe in the politics

I don't know Really honestly I think you ready for this. Yeah, you ready for this. Yeah, I think Most at least chinese in new york. That's all I could speak. That's all I'm an expert on. Okay, chinese new york, chinese Yeah, I'm around them all the time. They're conservative. You're not wrong. They are conservative And they they would vote for donald trump and they will they will vote for whatever republican candidate gets in Whether it be desantis or whomever. That's who they will vote for not also. You're not not just chinese indian older koreans Yep, uh, filipinos a lot of indians. They're conservative. Um, vietnamese

Conservative conservative, but what I love about them is they keep it to themselves exactly. Oh, that's why they're off the you know I mean, yeah, they're smart. What do we say in the show sneaky, right? So they wouldn't go to the they wouldn't go and as to the fucking january 6th They wouldn't a fuck I didn't see to be honest with it. I didn't see one asian dude Where did you january 6th during the insurrection? No, I no I didn't see one. Yeah, I didn't see any black guy either Were you looking out like for asians? That's all I look out when there's anything even a marathon I go the first thing I say is is there an asian guy almost never that's that's a good point What sport do asians or gymnastics? Yeah, okay, they do good at that. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I say, you know

You know what if cigarette smoking was a sport asians would? Nobody smokes more asians than cigarettes I know We would win we would win in style you would win it right right if it was just based on just smoking Yeah, maybe we wouldn't but in terms of style. Yeah, we would win the art of smoking a cigarette Yeah, with your asshole hovering the centimeter off the floor. Yeah affected by asians us right, joe I saw a Korean dude smoke it between these two fingers With his ass off the floor like a hoverboard. Yeah a hoverboard and he was doing yeah

Yeah, like he was there was a wind protection I don't think I've ever been an asian in history that have to get his knees or hips replaced right because they got the flexibility from That's how they smoke cigarettes down like that. If smoking cigarettes was an olympic sport, right? We would win during the creative parts. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, listen I would say it would be between asians and Puerto Rican women those two right smoking newports Yeah, but imagine synchronized that we could have different ones synchronized asian smoking cigarettes. Oh my god Be perfect. I'll be they were just Yeah, sometimes it would disappear. Yes, right and they would turn around and be in their mouth

That's like really gymnastics. Oh, we would kill it russians would do but you know rush is Chinese I think china's russian china probably neck and neck on who's the best uh gym that jim. All right Oh, yeah, because but in china They say that if you want like the real sport stuff about china that they you know They make those kids like they fucking lock them inside the gym. Yeah, it's like pretty bad. Yeah Yeah, but they wouldn't but they wouldn't Chinese enters a precision Remember that fucking the olympics that fucking 12 year old or a 16 year old Chinese girl diver she got tens on everything. Oh my god. Oh my that girl was a fucking machine. She was a machine machine

And then you guys did a thing on the splash brothers the Filipino divers the Filipino diving teams the funniest video Here's another like here's another travesty that happened to the Filipino divers. Thank god we have um Um, what's his name? Manny Pacquiao and we have the best um billiards guy in the world like Thank god for that because There's another scandal that most people don't know about is that we Sent out a little a little league team for the world like little league world series. Yeah, and um, we tried to pass 21 year olds office like 12 year old boys. We can do that. That's crafty. That's funny. That's funny But you got caught you got caught. Yeah, well, maybe she had their moustaches

I mean, I think that's whether or not Can you get the photo? I want to see the photo of that fucking Filipino I find that fucking the Filipino. I've said this before I think on your podcast or Trash Tuesday or tiger belly or one of one of the pods I've said it on that, you know, I used to be a physical therapist and the Filipino physical therapist if you're going to get a massage therapeutic massage from anybody in the world, of course everyone knows it's asian, but even more than that you want to go sub Filipino The the best massages because Filipino

I think out of the asian community have the smallest hands and they can get their hands That's is that a fact? All right, all right, so how old are they supposed to be 12 12 zoom in this is the only picture The guy to the far the guy to the far left is not 12. Yeah, these guys look like that looks like your uncle the one that went to Present you pass for young not not 12 though. That's like that guy to the left that guy number 11 looks like mani packio Like that might just be him in a little league What's the scandal on this is that um just this Philippines is banned they won 1992 the league world series everyone they did win it and then they got caught. Yeah, and everyone was older

They're older than 12. Yeah, wow. Yeah, there was I'm pretty sure there was like an 18 year old Yeah, yeah, it's interesting. But you know what? Yeah, they were good. They were good They were good. I want to take the chairman. I want to take it away. I would blame more of the committee how stupid, you know Exactly check these kids balls. Yeah Check their balls, right? Seriously. Yeah, or if there's hair. What do you do? When did you get hair on your dick? I got okay? So I remember the very first time I masturbated and felt a sensation and a little goo came out

I was 11 because I ran to my aunt Colleen To watch you tell my uncle and I said, oh my god. Oh my god Out of my penis. Yeah. She was like, oh my god. Yeah, and there was a big problem because I didn't know But so that was first but I remember my first pube ever. I was 13 years old. Wow. I was 13 years old You didn't get a pube until 13 late bloomer 13 years old. I didn't want to wash it a pube My first pube was at 16 and when I saw it I plucked it and I saved it and then my mom cleaned the room and she vacuumed it You guys weren't eating enough. I sort of got she vacuumed my one pube that I had saved

I saved it for six months. I thought it was a miracle. Why did it? I go? It was like a baby I go. This is this is this is like a Turning point turning point. We you guys didn't eat enough chicken hormones. I think like we butted really young When did you get your first hair? I think like nine or 10. That's when you got your period too No, no, no, I got it at 13 But I the pubes where you know the little the fuzz was coming in. Well, I had fuzz Fuzz is not hair. I made a real black hair like a hair. I still have pubes by the way. I don't shave them I don't have pube. I have a full bush. Oh gosh. I wish I could get jazz's permission to show you how little hair

I actually grow on my pussy. I've seen it. It's I don't know what's wrong with me. I love it. You have a permission. I love it Wait, wait, you have a big bush right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you caught up. You eventually got like Yeah, well, and I think that's why I don't shave my pubes because it took me so long to grow them that I have them I that's what it is. That's your thinker. What it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it and uh, and and and you know They're there. The thing is I up above like the pubic bone is nice, but then on my balls It's just strands of hair that come out. Can I say I and this is something that I've said on stage before But I this is a real thing. I have never seen my own butthole Let me take a picture here. I'll take a picture. No, no, no, no right now. I don't want to do it right now live

You know what I mean? But have you ever seen your own butthole? Yes. Um, have I ever seen my own butthole? No, actually. Yeah, I've never seen it. Well, I'll never see one of my own eyes It's impossible to say. You'll never see your butthole with your own eyes You guys don't wax yourselves. I have to wax myself and have my asshole face the mirror Because you do self waxing on your asshole during the pandemic. Yeah Wait, wait, so how do you let me ask you something? Yeah when you're waxing your own butthole How do you do it? I have to put my knees behind my it's a whole thing Right, so you do it

But can you but you look at a mirror and do it but you don't do it with your own eyes I do I look at both and down. Oh, so you've seen with your own eyes your own butthole Of course, I've also taken lots of pictures of my own asshole. Yeah If it was if I was the fantastic four guy, I would be able to do it. You'd be able to do it. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I look like who's the other one. Who's the other one? Um, who's the rock guy? What's that guy called the thing the thing that's what my cock looks like because I have HPV All right, you have one of everything I got a skin tag removed from my ass cheek the other day Yeah, which was crazy. I have the skin tag on my ass cheek for like 10 years. How big it was

Oh, I don't have a picture. Wait, did you do it with a string or did you go to a dermatologist? Oh, look at look at my neck. I got like 50 skin tags off. Do you get the removed? Yeah Yeah, but have one on your ass cheek is interesting and then I went right like right this close to my ass hole And he was like this one's in such a tricky spot because if I remove that, you know, it's can get infection Whatever. No, it's not a hemorrhoid. It's outside my ass, but I just left it there. My dad. My dad. I want my dad. I won Not on his um, not in his asshole, but in between his Sack and the thigh. There was one skin tag and I used to go to spa with him. Yeah, and every once I would see it You have to go

Okay, dude. Yes, you have a heart out, right? I do. Yeah, what time five things like five fifteen. What time is it now? Almost five. Okay. All right. By the way, this is some positions for you guys how to do it Oh, to see your own butthole. Oh, wow. Wow. Look at that. It looks like yeah, but to see the first one The first one is that's sentino But you're still not seeing it with your own eyes. You're seeing it through a mirror, right? Yeah, I would love this I'll never see it with my own Yeah, that that I don't think there's the flexibility does the most flexible human in the world could they even could they eat their On asshole proportionist, maybe. Yeah, that's true. Yeah circus a leg. I yeah

Yeah, but my dad had one between his sack and his thigh and I used to see it at a fucking spa You seem like a guy by the way who I bet your asshole never stinks It stinks. No No, I think it smells like an ass dick. He's not a great wiper, but I'll tell you this much about him. He has Absolutely zero b.o. Yeah, even if he didn't shower for two weeks. No b.o. But I told you I think I've said this before Maybe on this show that Koreans in general do not have b.o. They cannot get b.o It's an actually enzyme. Yeah the fish that they have where they incapable of smelling like b.o That I've never I have never bought I didn't even know what the purpose of deodorant is. I've never bought it

Right. I've never you can't you I don't know what brands they are. I don't know what brands They are I don't know how to use it because I've just never used no Korean people gen Is that real no no google korean? It's true. It is real that you cannot make a body odor or very few he doesn't have either He doesn't have like, you know a natural crotch scent Like so he doesn't have that does not like salt and vinegar potato chips or something No, you just it's unscented like you would That's what I told you I didn't give a scented butthole

Yeah, you have a scented one. You know what I mean? Well, Germans, we typically don't have a smell either. We are the ubermench Oh No, the ubermench No, I'm kidding. Let's do the intro now Five four welcome to another episode of tiger belly. We have a great guest. He's from new york city I met him on opium thing years ago. One of the best stand-ups. One of the best podcasters chris distafano. What's up, everybody? All right, so any tour you want to plug anything? Yep. When's this one come out?

You're this week this week. Whoa First one post break. Look at that first one post break up Go to chrisd comedy.com for tiki wiki's burlington vermont july 27 july 28 29th montreal And then uh august um in in uh august. We have uh the brea improv. Who california? Will you come to one of the shows i was 17 to the 20th the brea? I would love to and then september 8 to the 10th cobs comedy club, san francisco Then a biggie september 30th big one chicago theater and then philadelphia in october We're gonna add a second show to the film more

Awesome christie. Oh, and I got a special especially weshy on netflix. Fuck. Yeah, man. Well, especially weshy. It's on how's it going good It went. Yeah, it went. Well, it's I mean, you know, you know how it is It's all up there on the algorithm for the first couple of weeks and then right right, you know But they said it got you know a few million views, which is good. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Yeah, that's awesome Netflix stock tank as soon as we announce I had a special It's the way it worked out the day they announced it was crashing is the day they also announced I had a special There is right there weshy Anyway, you want to do an unhelpful because they have to go with a hingo. All right. What are we gonna do?

We do an end segment, but it's it's five and we have another guest comment. So let's just fucking end. Can we do a quick? Yeah, yeah, let's do a quick just do a spine size one. All right. Here we go Unhelpful advice with chris chris e d. Thank you for your services So my boyfriend of four years wants me to get a corporate job I recently graduated from college and decided to start my own web development business instead of the traditional corporate way I'm 23 and I'm a broke ass, but I know if I keep working hard. I will thrive. I just know it My boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that an eight to five will bring me financial freedom and less anxiety I just don't think I'm meant to work in the corporate environment, but I am starting to question my choice

Also, I'm just super stubborn. I really want to prove his ass wrong. What should I do find a different boyfriend? Yep, I would say he sounds he seems annoying. He seems insecure. He seems threatened. Yeah, find a different I would have that have that much power over your decision. Oh, so you're 23. You're supposed to be broke Yeah, you're supposed to be confused and how am I gonna eat? Yeah The pain and the hunger and all that stuff is what drives you. Yes Imagine being 23 and being like nope. I think you should be working in eight. Oh my god What a fucking boner killer. You're so fucking boring too. Boring boner killer. Get rid of him. Get rid of him Yeah, I know but you get a corporate job. Get the job. Yes

Get health benefits. Also, see if you can get some of that pain. Bitcoin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I don't know what that is that good. That's good. All right. Anyway, give him a round of applause. All right I wish we wouldn't have done that. We should have done it before Yeah, that's second. I'm fucking boring Hey prime members, you can listen to tiger barely ad free on amazon music Download the amazon music app today or you can listen ad free with wendry plus in apple podcast Before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wendry.com slash survey