TigerBelly - Ep 360: Tia Carrere, Life Coach to Bobby Lee

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

Bobby will wear a g-string but won't do an accent. Tia chooses Wayne over the Bay. Khalyla invites the enemy. We talk Celebrity Apprentice, acting with Brando, and a new generation of cum. Please support our sponsors.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. Five, four, three, two, welcome to the Tiger Valley podcast. We've got George in the house. We've got Gilbert and his flat, flat, flat, flat face. Can't see. He's a Filipino with a flat, flat, flat, flat face. And fucked up legs. He's got good legs.

I got great abs. And fucked up areolas. OK, I can't defend the areolas. Yeah, those fucking girls looking. We got Kalyla, my ex-girlfriend. Love how he advertises that. I sit at the talk until I say your name. Congresswoman.

Congresswoman. Please, Congresswoman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I apologize. So, you know, we have a living, to me, honestly, though, to me, she's a living legend. Yes. Not just to you, to me.

Yeah, to Kalyla, too, as well. She, you know, was in iconic movies, you know, Wayne's World. I think she was in True Lies, a bunch of shit. Jury duty, jury duty. Did you do some homework? Do you even know who's in your audience? I didn't know you were in your whole studio here. Where's my bio?

To me, she's done a bunch of TV, produced shit. But to me, like, you know, for me, you know how we had Margaret Ancho? To me, it's like, you know, she's a pioneer, a trailblazer. Because when I came into town, it was really hard. And I've told many, many stories how difficult it was. And without the people before me, I don't know if I'd be able to survive, you know?

And we did a movie together called Hard Breakers or something. Or something. Or something. No one saw it. But yeah, I just really, and she, you know, when I did work with her, she was, I just remember recalling, she was like super cool and kind. And it was just a pleasure.

And she has a new movie coming out, the Joe Coy movie called Easter Sunday, which I was offered a part. And I didn't do because I had to do another movie. I was in another movie in Hungary. Big mistake. Huge. All right. No, I know. I know. I fucked up.

I fucked it up. I fucked it up. I'm gay. I'm leaving now. I'm leaving. No, sit down. Sit down. All right, so give her a round of applause. Tia Carrera, everybody.

Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for doing it. Thank you. Sibilance. All right, sounds good. So have you, do you do podcasts a lot or no? This is the biggest and most glamorous podcast I've ever done. Wow.

What have you done? None. No, sitting in my living room during, you know, COVID, just talking on my, on my Instacrack or whatever, just talking to people because I was lonely and stuck at home. Yeah. When Joe called you, did you have to just think about it? Because I got a hold of you through Joe Coy. Yeah.

No, when he said, Bobby Lee, I'm like, I'm in. Oh. I'm in. I'm in. I love Bobby Lee. He's awesome. Whatever he does, it's going to be cool. You know, I have, thank you for, you know, just existing.

In the 90s, was it hard to, I mean, what was it like the climate? I came here in 84. Wow. Because I'm that old. You came here. You were born in Hawaii already. I was born and raised in Honolulu, Hawaii, and I was discovered in a grocery store in Waikiki and a producer's mother and father came up to me and said, darling, you're gorgeous.

My son's looking for the female lead in his film, Aloha Summer, and you'd be perfect. And I was still in high school. Wow. But I had just come from a modeling shoot and I had like the Haku headband of flowers on and full, you know, pancake makeup and a bikini. So it's kind of like, you know, on my cousin Vinnie. Oh yeah, you blend, you know, wandering around the grocery store. So, you know, pays to advertise your assets.

Did you, I mean, that was senior in high school? Yeah, I was a senior in high school. That must have been just, how did that feel? It was crazy because I'd never acted. My sister, my younger sister always said, I want to be an actress. I'm like, that's a stupid job. I want to sing. I want to, you know, because I love to sing.

I was saying since I was like 11 years old and entered talent contests and performed. So that, you know, it was used to being in front of people, thank goodness. But yeah, the acting thing was something that I never watched any classic movies. I never did any theater, never, you know, knew the classic plays. So it's kind of funny that I just fell into it like this, but. Were you nervous? I caught up. I wasn't smart enough to be nervous.

I guess. You're young. You're like, oh, cool. Yeah, cool. So I just went in and they said, you're a shy local Hawaiian girl that falls in love with a Caucasian Casanova and I'm like, okay, I can make pretend, you know, so just make pretend. Wow.

And then when did you come to LA? Right after that. So in October of 84, the Olympics were on TV, I remember, you know, during 84. So that's right. That was really early. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

It was, there was nobody on TV that looked like me. I think there was one character like, you know, spear carrier number three. I mean, great actress, you know, but like, she never had any lines and maybe she had a line here every fifth episode. So you know, there was nobody that was leading a show, no meaningful guest stars. If they had one, you know, here's your tea, sir, you know, in the episode, that would be it. Oh my God.

I came here and I had short hair from modeling and an agent said, you should get a long hair wig. Let me see. Oh yeah. My hair. Wow. Gorgeous. Yeah.

It's, yeah, that's, that's me, right for the pickin. Now, when you came here, you got an agent right away? Well, because I had the female lead in a movie. So sent a, you know, headshots and resumes and I'm the female lead in this movie, this upcoming movie. So they're like, oh, well, we better jump on that train. She's going places already. Yeah.

You didn't even have to get her, you know, her sag card. The, the casting director is a woman that did, um, uh, what's that? Karate. Yes. Karate kid. That is your Karate. Celebrity, Pictionary. That was Karate.

That was Karate kid. That was Karate kid. Karate kid. Yeah. She did Karate kid. I did that. Was that the crane? The crane.

Yeah. Yeah. What a great movie that went as a kid. I saw that movie. It was inspiring. And also like Pat Merida was like, oh, somebody that you, did you know? Him? No.

I never got to meet him. Me either. It was just beyond my grasp. You know, it's one of those people that I should have worked with Pat Merida. I should have worked with, you know, Magnum, the original Magnum, but yeah, just came up a little too late. I know. But he was like, something I wish I just met one time.

Yeah. I met Georgia Kai. I love him. I love him. Celebrity apprentice with him. How did you, how did you do? How did you do? I made it halfway and then I threw myself on my sword because I could not deal.

Like, they were so mean to, you know, Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl Ladd. No, no. What's up? I can't even remember the, the first one that came up, I think she was a model and then George and, you know, I just, I just was like, I got to go home with this. Yeah. Oh, wow. I mean, we didn't have much of an interaction anyway.

But was he nice? But George was awesome. Yeah. He was nice enough. You know, he didn't seem like the insane, you know, that that's like insane. He was writing riots on the Capitol that he currently is, different times. He wasn't the terrorist against the American democracy like he currently is. I love it.

But really, how do I feel about it? I love it already. I love it. Yeah. So, um, when you... That's it. I've lost all my Republican followers. It's all right.

No, I feel the same way. Um, when did Wainsworld happen? Uh, so let's see. I moved here in 84 and I guess Wainsworld was like 90? Was it something like that? Yeah. Something like that? Yeah.

I didn't know, you know, I had never seen the skit on SNL. And actually nobody knew what it was. Uh, so I had Baywatch, Baywatch that wanted me to be a marine biologist, girlfriend to Hasselhoff. What? Yeah. And, uh, I read Wainsworld, it was like 18 to 23 Asian, you know, rocks like, you know, I don't know, Benatar, whatever, I forget what the breakdown was.

Wait, they had Asian in the breakdown. Yeah. That's a thing like, thank God, because otherwise, you know, Cameron Diaz would have been in the part of Cassandra. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, with somebody, you know, at the time.

Um, so thank goodness, uh, I don't know if it was Mike Myers or he and Bonnie and Terry Turner that came up with this character, but, um, protected that space and said she has to be like this ass kicking martial arts, you know, has an accent but gets on stage and just rocks like, you know, some big rock star. See that's, here's what I want to tell people is if you just write the parts, we need people, I think it's so much better. I mean, we're, we're both, you know, I'm like, we're, we're working and stuff like that and it's great, but it's like that you just got to get people and that's why when

you see kids now, you know what I mean? That are like Alan and all, you know, all these sunny, you know, and all these guys that are like making decisions and they're, who's that? Well, sunny. Well, sunny Lee has that new beef, um, show, the A24 show with, uh, Steven Young and Ally Wong and David Cho and Andrew Santino's in it. And then, um, Alan Yang is like a huge producer now for, yeah, you know, Alan. And then, um, even my friend, Jean, who, my best friend, Jean Hong is the now the executive

producer of Magnum PI, but you know, if back in the eighties and nineties, there was nobody, there was nobody making those decisions. Now we have these kids and they're all young. They're all kids themselves. You know what I mean? It's fucking amazing. But it's like, you know, they wrote that part and they have to specifically say it's for an Asian lady and that was benefited you and you deserve that part.

Are you somebody that when they say, do a thicker Asian accent, did, do you feel uncomfortable about that? Um, I like, if I, I try to do Russian and English, uh, you know, Eastern European, but they never buy me for that. You know, I'm, I'm just like, I'm like the guy in the back of the, you know, the alleyway going with a, with a, open my trench coat. Hey, you want a corkscrew? No.

What about it? What about a flashlight here? You don't need a pack of matches. I'm just selling whatever they want to buy and it's making pretend and it's playing. And, um, I know some people are offended by, um, utilizing a stronger accent, but I mean, we see Anthony Kerrigan who plays like a Eastern European, you know, guy on Barry body and he certainly didn't speak like that. Um, the, so for me to do like the stronger, you know, wow, on, you know, AJ and the queen,

um, I, I thought she was a really powerful character, um, strong, smart, you know, sexy, you know, lords over her little protege. So it's, it depends on how you, uh, it's all in good fun. It's not, um, making fun of, I guess. I think it's kind of circling back now because we talked about this when John Cho was on the show. And he was like, I think you're right. Like it depends who the character is.

If it's an empty character with nothing but an accent and the accent in the forefront of who they are, then obviously that's super, that's a problem. But if the character is a whole person and well thought out, I should have done that Jamie Foxx movie. No, they only wanted you for the accent. They said accent only, please. No, I should have done that. No, because it's coming out now and I should have done it.

Oh, is it the vampire? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that looks good. It looks good, right? Anyway, I wanted you to do an accent. Yeah. I mean, I talked to the director and I just basically because I just, I don't know if

this guy needs to have an accent. He's in America. It's just, I just feel like he does and that was just where the M pass was. And I was like, ah, then I'll pass. You know what I mean? And it's like, in looking back, I could have made that part fun, you know, I could have made that part. Because there are people in America that have Filipino accents, Korean accents, Korean

accents. So I fucked up. I should have been East or Sunday. Bobby Lee, when he's down, yeah, and I should have fucking done that. You know what I mean? Vampire movie. We all do the best. We can.

Yeah. But at the time, the reason why you said that you were standing up for something. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have any of those like super big regrets where you're like, shit, I should have done that one. I should have held on to that piece of property in West Hollywood. Yeah.

I should have regret because now it's like 10 times the value. Oh, so you bought property and then you sold it? Yeah. Wow. So those are the kinds of business decisions that I wish should have what I could have. But in a career, it's for me, it's I never anticipated the heights to which I would reach. I've been so fortunate and it's been fun along the way. So I just think of it as like one, one experience leads to the next and, you know, maybe it

bobs in weaves and maybe you went a little further left and zigged a little further than you wanted to. But whatever, you know, there's always going to be another job. You can approach that differently and we learn from each experience. Oh, God. I was talking to you two years ago, a year ago. Oh, fuck. No.

You're right. He's a bag. What? He's supposed to zig and zag. He's a bagging one way too far. It's fine. It's fine. Too far.

I'm going to zig the other way, man. I mean, you never had low self be true, you know, it's it's whatever felt right for you. If you had walked into a job where you didn't feel right about it, where it's in your stuck in your gut, you wouldn't have done a good job. You would have made yourself look bad. That's true. Because it wasn't you. Okay.

Self acceptance. Self acceptance. You're right, I'm a suffocating assessor. But you so you haven't had lows in this business to your career life coach to Bobby. That's going to be my next job. Yeah. You haven't had any lows? Oh, yeah, certainly.

I mean, I spent 30 years in therapy. You know, it's I'm a huge proponent for for analysis for figuring out why you are the way you are. I don't think normal people get into show business, first of all, we are definitely damaged people. There is something missing in our childhood that makes us go, Hey, judge me on a daily basis. Hey, I'll be the product so you can like punch holes through me and like watch me bleed and like enjoy the carnage, you know, because it is it is build up our icons and our heroes

and tear them down and enjoy every step along the way. Like that Don Henley song, you know, Dirty Laundry, yeah, they they enjoy building up heroes and then and saying, Oh, well, you know what, I know they're rich and famous and whatever, but at least we are happy in our, you know, lives and and they're a trained wreck. Maybe I don't know. I don't know. It's it's it's blood sport. It's not his blood.

It is blood sport. We I don't know why do we get into the business? Why? There's a reason why we're lacking something in our childhood. Yeah. Last night I was in the main room at the comedy store. It was packed and I was doing good and I was just, you know, there was an old like an older guy in the audience and I kind of took my hand.

I was like feeling his face. Oh, and I was very intimate. Yeah, you're very handsome. You know what I mean? And people are laughing this and that and I had a brief moment of what are you doing? Like what? I mean, not just at that moment in general in your life. Yeah.

Like what are you doing in general in your life and with my life? Why do I need to do this? Yeah. I mean, I've been doing this for years. Why? What is it? You know what I mean? You thought about it?

Yeah. But why? What about that moment of caressing someone's face made you think? Because he looked very uncomfortable. Oh. Yeah. He was just like, don't touch me. Right.

And I would, you know, and I kept going back to him and doing that. Oh my. Yeah. And I'm like, what are you doing in your life? Why would I need this? You know what I mean? I'm going up tonight at the improv. You know what I mean?

I just need to do it. But it's like, there's just something. I don't know. You're right. There's something wrong with you. There's something wrong with you. Yeah. There's something missing.

I think. You're missing that intimate connection with someone to make someone laugh, to touch them. It's very intimate. And if you can't actually touch someone intimately in real life, you, you get it out on stage because it's a safe form because you, you control that touch, that intimate moment. And then it's done. And then people can laugh and it's behind you, but he's never really touched you.

She's never really touched you. What the fuck is going on? You're going real right now. We're on the, what the fuck is going on around this town, man? You're right, but wrong. We're now on the Jay Shetty podcast. Yeah. Let me tell you something.

You basically summarized a breakup, a reason for a break. Because we were together for 10 years. Yeah. And you're still here. I think you nailed it. Yes. I do love him a lot, but the intimacy, he, he's very, it's like, he's like a cat. He wants to be the one to control the touching, but if you come to him with any type of like

warmth or searching for connection, he runs away. So it's like, he has to be in control of touching that man's face. If that man were to touch him back, he would have, that most would have ended quickly. Gags over. Yeah. Game's over. You're right. There's something about that.

I can't receive it. I don't like it. Well, you never, you were beat relentlessly as a child. So physical touch is also not, how he was shown love as a, as a child. Have you had a conversation with him about that? He died. But I mean, sorry. He never got to.

I do trauma therapy every week. Oh, good. Yeah. So, yeah. Since he died, I've been every week, I've been going to therapy, but, um, so maybe you need to go through this and then, you know, nothing is forever. Life just continues. You never know.

I like it. I like why I, I like who I am and where I am. I like it. I know. Yeah. I like the control. Yeah. Right.

And I like, that's the part of my life that I like, you know, and you know what? It's okay. I'll die alone. I'll be alone. Okay. I think it's okay. It's, I don't need it. It's okay until it's not.

What? Right. I don't like massages. He does not. You know what I mean? Like, fuck it. I don't, you know what I mean? And when he's, like, when he's ill, let's say he, when he got COVID, he doesn't like

to be, care, or maybe he's like, shut me in this room. Yeah. I like to be left alone too. Yeah. Thank you. Right. If you, are you married right now? No, no.

But I was with Simon, we were married for like eight years and broke up for like three years and then got back together again. So we've been, you know, together basically for 21 years. So you're together with him now? Uh-huh. Oh wow. What was those three years like when you guys broke up? Madness.

I was kidding. No. Oh, someone. Oh. Congresswoman. Oh, Congresswoman. No, I mean, I think, I think that's why I say nothing is written, so nothing is forever. Because if somebody does work on themselves and those issues that you're talking about

and obviously he is, you know, it always could come back together again. It could, you know, if both parties are in the same place, three years from now. Right. Did you see anybody else in those three years? What do you think? Yeah. What are you talking? There you asked that.

So you did. You're turning red. I know. You're red like you. You embarrassed? Was it fun? How dare you ask me a question? Those three, I know those three years fun.

I have fun no matter where I am, what I'm doing, I'm a fun loving person. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Next question. Are you Filipino? Yeah.

Filipino, Spanish, Chinese. Born and raised in Hawaii. Wow. Is your mom Filipino? My dad's from Philippines. My mom's from Hawaii, but they're both Filipino, Spanish, and on my dad's side got some Chinese. So your dad did live in the Philippine group? Yeah.

He moved to Hawaii when he was like 18, I think, 17, 18. Yeah. What island was he from? From Occidental, Mindoro. That's what it's like. Oh, wow. What is that? That sounds like a fucking medication.

Vesayas. Babe. I'm Vesayan. I'm from Cebu. Oh, Cebuano. Yeah. Cebuano, yeah. He's been there.

I love it. I want to go to Cebu. I've always wanted to go there. We're going back in September. You are? And you're broken up. Yeah. But here's the deal.

It's like... It's business. We have a... Yeah. Fuck you. Don't fuck you to your career. Fuck you. Don't fuck your number.

All right, thank you. I'll take a fucking and I'll raise you to the 10 to 3. That's an exponential. You know what? You're sassy. Yep. Yeah, so we have... 40 years in this business, bitch.

40 years in this business. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll learn you a few things. I know you do. Sorry. I get nervous. I get nervous. Don't know what the fuck to say.

Yes, madam, yes, madam. Madam, madam, madam, madam. But no, we... Bow down. We're shooting a show in the Philippines. We have a project that we're going to do a pilot. It's business. Like she said, it's business.

It's business. But you know, if we ever get this picked up, she'd be a great judge. I think she would. Yeah, for our thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's great. I'm very judgmental that way. Yeah.

Yeah. When... How did you get... I wonder, did you... You probably didn't have to audition, right? I auditioned for the mom role. I wanted to play the mom. But you know, because she's...

Lydia's petite, he wanted her to be a tiny tyrant. I mean, it says that in the, you know, the breakdown. So physically, I'm not it. And I did play his mom and his aunt in the animated show that we did. Unfortunately, I didn't get picked up. So he knew I could do the voice. But physically, I'm, you know, the wrong type that he was looking for. So I did audition for that.

And then they said, oh, well, there's another part of the aunt. And I said, oh, great. Yeah, that'd be fun. So I got offered that one. Oh, that's awesome. Was it fun working on that thing? Oh, it was a blast. I mean, we couldn't post any of our videos and things that we were doing.

But some people were still, you know, Joe, I mean, was still putting that out there. And so you had a snippet of like us dancing around and singing with our stupid plastic face masks on. Oh, because that was deep in the pandemic. Wow. That was my first time out of the house in a year and a half. And I was terrified. But I had just gotten my booster shot and then I got on the plane.

And then we were in strict lockdown for two weeks. Could not step over the threshold of the door. You know, the food would be delivered, let them walk away, open the door and bring it in like a little, you know. Yeah, because when you did that, I was in Budapest doing a movie because that's the reason why I couldn't do that one. And what's the name of that movie? It's called Borderlands.

It's not out yet. Borderline. Borderlands. Borderlands. It's based on a video game. But, you know, it was Kate Blanchett's and that's why. Oh my God. Kate Blanchett.

Okay. You win. But it's not about winning. It's just like. It's always about winning. You just won. Yeah, yeah. Well, it was like a hard decision because it was like, because Joe, you know,

I knew him when he was a kid. Like I knew him. We were both open micers together in the 90s. He had his hair. He had hair. I met him when he was working behind the front desk of a motel in Vegas. That's when I knew him too. And he had his glasses and his hair.

Yeah. He said, I said, oh, checking in late. Tia Carrera and me and my mom were checking in at this Alexia place. He reminded me of the name. And he said, oh, you're Tia Carrera. I know you. You're a Filipino actress. I want to be a comic, but my mom wants me to be a nurse.

Yeah. So it's like, it's true. You know, the all the stories. You remember that? I did not. No. But then he reminded me because he was opening for Love It's at the Laugh Factory. Yeah.

And I said, oh my God, you're hilarious because he came off of your Filipino. You're so good. And he goes, we met before it. And I said, wait. And he said the motel. I was, oh my God. All of a sudden I just remembered clearly. But he just had to say that, you know, behind the front desk of the motel.

I was like, I remember clearly I spent, I don't know, 20 minutes at the front desk saying, Hey, you know, you got to do it. If you love it and you can't imagine your life without trying this thing, you know, you're going to regret it the rest of your life. You know, so funny, huh? Yeah. Even back then though, you could see something like he so dynamic on stage, great impression, like impressions, great singing and like an entertainer,

even as an open miker. Wow. Right. Like it wasn't like nothing was there. Like in terms of like joke structure or a set. Right. But he would just bust into Michael Jackson or do whatever he and you could just kind of go, Oh, this guy is so confident.

And it's also like, you know, we're both Asian kids in the nineties when no one else was around. And it was just an odd, not odd, but it was like, I honestly think that I don't believe, I mean, I kind of believe in God, but I believe that destiny kind of made us meet, you know, me in La Jolla that one night where we could become friends, you know, me because without him doing it, I don't know what my motivation because it was such a white and black dominated thing. It's like it confirmed what you felt in yourself that you could do it and here's

somebody else doing it. So let's be. Yeah. Arms and arms. It was really kind of, and you know, thank God for the Mexicans too. Because back then. Yeah. Well, the Mexicans too.

I mean, they really rallied behind. And both. Yeah. The Mexicans rallied behind me, you know what I mean? But without the Mexicans and guys like Joe Coy, I don't know if I'd still be doing it, you know what I mean? Because it was just like, I needed a clan. You need a tribe, right?

Who are you hanging out with back in the eighties? I, you know, I have, I have sisters. My family's always been very important. Yeah. And they're, you know, the grounding factor in my life because I feel like I'm part of the circus troop that like, you know, you're part of a show and you become this intimate dysfunctional family and then it ends and then you move on to the next troop of people and you become, you know, tight the sleeves.

And then that, so this, that constantly messes with your head because you're embedding with different troops all along the way. And then you're like, I got PTSD, I don't even know which way is up. I don't know who my real friends are. So I have my family. Don't you hate that? It's like summer camp, right? Yeah.

Like I, I remember, I was in a so-called animal practice, you know what I mean? And me and Justin Kirk, this lead, we're hanging out all the time and we would smoke cigarettes and it's like brothers. It looked, yeah, it looked like we were going to be friends for life. I haven't seen them since. So what do you think about the human condition though where you can be so close in that setting and then kind of just walk away from each other and then without contact anymore? Like what does that say about like us?

Well, that's the flawed upbringing part, you know? You think so? It's, it's satisfying for a period of time and then you can walk away from it. So you're in control of it. It's finite. You never get to that next deeper level where people can call you out on your shit. You're still being polite and you're still like, oh, hi, all the good stuff without the heavy, deep, dark uglies, right?

Wow. I never. You can be something for that period of time. Yeah, because the people that I were on when I was on Matt TV, right, because I was on that show for so long with so many people, obviously you get to know people and you see those ugly parts. You become more enmeshed and more emotionally like, you know, tomorrow we're going to go to Jordan invited us to the nope premiere because I was on Matt TV with Jordan and we

were on it for so long together that like there's still there is a brotherly thing there. But like, you know, animal practice only lasted 13 episodes. Yeah. And you're there and you just never get to that point of that connection. I think you're right about that. That's very interesting. I want to like I want to ponder about that to your trauma of therapy and you know, like when I when I do hear his stories about projects, he's done.

It's like anything that he was a part of for three, four months is like remains a fantasy bubble. Like everything was perfect. The people were great. They never really. Yeah. And then when you explain Matt TV, because you were on it for, you know, so freaking long, you only tell me horror stories, horror stories, horror, horror.

Yeah. It was terrible. Like my worst experiences in life is in that time period, but I would never change it for the world because it was fucking great. I was young and I didn't know the rules. That's why I farted on people and I got in trouble. I was fired. Of course.

Yeah. I farted. I farted in Crystal Flanagan's mouth and she cried and she was it was her first day of work and she's a regular and she wanted to quit the show because I farted in her mouth and while she was eating yogurt, while she was eating yogurt and then another actor attacked me and I went home and I was like, what's so bad about that? You know what I mean? But it's supposed to be funny and that was funny, right?

Do you ever wonder why then they kept Koreans out of showbiz for so long? It was you. You were the precedents. You said a precedence. You were like, yeah, you fucked it up for a lot of people, Bobby. Yeah. Oh my God. But because I feel like the rules changed a little bit.

You don't think Vick Lesuchi was like, hey, we cannot have Koreans in any other projects? Yeah. Because I pooed in the executive producer's office. Yeah. What? Keep in mind, he was on drugs as well. I was on drugs too. Okay.

Yeah. I took a poo in the middle of his office. A poo in Amber Heard. Brother in arms. Yeah, but I would behave in that way and in retrospect I go, what the fuck was I doing? But you know, at the time, I was young and I was wild. But imagine like just Vick Lesuchi right thinking, like, we gave this Asian boy a chance and look what he did all over my office.

Not all over. Yeah. It was like three pellets. Concentrated. It was a concentrated poo. And it was funny at the time. Because there was other actors. Did he laugh?

No. He goes cleaning that up right now. Yeah. But I apologize because later he became my showrunner, I had a pilot for Comedy Central and he became my showrunner. Oh wow. Yeah. So you know, it wasn't a debt.

It wasn't, I didn't destroy it. So you healed. He was healing. Yeah. But it's really interesting. So how do you think Easter Sunday is going to do? I hope it's huge than a big fat Greek wedding. It's going to be.

I keep saying big fat Greek wedding for Filipino people. I think it's going to be. I mean, like how long, I mean, we never know. You never know. Nobody knew what Wayne's World was when it came out. You know. I know. I know how Easter Sunday is going to do.

I already know too. I did too. So you have 150 million Filipino people worldwide who just have never seen anything. That's why I went to church and did a novena today. I lit the candle. Yeah. A dollar, a candle now. I think it's going to do great because when I was, when we watched Black Phone and we

saw at the University City Walk, there was posters of. I saw. I saw. I think you sent a picture of. I told you on the phone. I told you on the phone. I'm not texting. Yeah.

But yeah, I've been getting pictures of posters all over billboards. Oh my God. Yeah. It's amazing. There is a part of me that kind of at first when I see it, I recoiled a little bit. You clench. You clench a little bit. I go, oh, he's killing it.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Do you get jealous? No, I get mad at myself. Like why didn't I do better to get that or whatever? But I'm not really jealous. Like, I could come up with a different spin on it or whatever. Yeah, but it's.

It's not of your control. No. No Hollywood rivals to the ranks. It's gosh, I mean, I don't, you know, I always see the same people in the auditions or, you know, whatever. It's like they get one, I'll get one, you know, everybody gets a job and I'm going to continue to work till I'm, you know, a hundred years old. So there's going to be more jobs in my future.

I'm going to be like Betty White, except I'll be Betty Brown. Yeah. Yes. Why I should be more like you. Yeah, you should. No, come on. I aspire to do this. Of course, I go like, oh man, why did they get that job?

I wish I could have gone to do that. But you know, I did this, okay, you know, so just do your, as opposed to just a litany of woes, I would be like, do the count your blessings list also at the same time. God damn it, man. I start wars with people. I know. Attitude of gratitude, Bobby. Come on.

Yeah, I have so many people that hate me because I start wars and, you know what I mean? He does. Yeah. I have so many enemies and it's like, what do you mean? You're so adorable. Thank you. I feel great. He didn't have real life enemies.

He just has enemies in his mind. He thinks that. But they outwardly come out and then it becomes a thing. Not really. I wouldn't say. But you're a beloved. That guy blocked me from fucking Instagram. Not Ken.

Not Ken. Yeah. Kevin Shaded. I mean, as he should, though, I mean the amount of time he talked about it. He blocked me on all social media. Yeah. Why would you say? What did you say?

No, you don't want to talk about it. I do. You're gonna cut it out anyway. No, I won't. Okay. He pushed me. He pushed me at the improv. He physically pushed you.

He physically pushed me at the improv. I have a question. Why did you forgive Ari Shafir for not just pushing you, but beating your ass, but not Kevin Shaefer pushing you? Because Ari Shafir, to make it up to me, Ari Shafir beat me up three times. Another comic. Beat you up. Oh, yeah.

He punched me and kicked me in the face like 30 times. I almost died. Yeah. That's the first time. Yeah. But I had blood all over my, I was bruised up. Why? What did you do?

What did you say? I didn't do anything. Let's just say that. Oh. Number one. Okay. Let's just say this. I didn't do, he thought I did something that I didn't fucking do, right?

And we, he admits it. Oh. Yeah. He admits it. My point is. So you didn't screw his girlfriend? No. Okay.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Adjacent though. Adjacent though. Where his girlfriend got screwed, but with that. By a friend of mine. Yeah. But he thought that I had set them up. You were complicit.

Oh. But I didn't do it. All right. Ari, Ari, I didn't do it. Right? The heart wants what the heart wants, Ari. Yeah. So I hated him for a year.

I didn't talk to him. We would avoid each other or whatever. And I thought I would die to the grave. Right? But. He apologized. No. No.

He offered me a TV show. Oh, so that's the way to your heart is offer you a TV show and then you're all good. That's isolation. Yeah. Okay. He basically said. Everybody's got their price. I'm basically a whore in that way.

So basically he said. But you won't do an accent. You're a fucking idiot. You can beat the shit out of me, almost kill me, give me a TV show. We're all good. But I won't do that fucking accent. Fuck you, Tia Carrera. Again, that's my second fuck you.

I'm going to set a new record here. Yeah. Pushing buttons all day long. The reason why it made sense because the TV show was for Comedy Central and it was it's a storytelling TV show where you tell a story. So he goes. Let's tell the story. No.

No. Let's tell us the story about what we did. It happened. Oh. So hit that girl that was involved did it with us. Oh. Yeah. So we told the story on stage on television.

Well, I think at that time it was on online and then it turned into a TV show. But I thought, I think this is the best way because it's therapeutic. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, do three lines in a movie, I don't think that would have been it. But it's like, he's like, I'm sorry, you might as well heal and make money. He did apologize because I'm sorry. You know, let's do this as an opportunity to heal.

And I thought, you know what, this is the best way to do it. What a trippy idea. Cool idea. Yeah. It's a pretty cool idea. Yeah. Yeah. So if Kevin Jay, you know what I mean, could do something in that way, you know what

I mean? He hasn't apologized. I think that's my thing. You know what I mean? I'd argue and say that Ari hasn't necessarily either, but the TV show is the olive branch, I suppose. Yeah. But you know what?

I think we should have Kevin Jay on. I think we should too. I think we should have him both on the couch next to me and then I can hedge shrink them. Yes. Use your moderate. Armchair analysis. Yes. I'd love to hear that moderation.

Yeah. Do you have kids? I have one, she's going to be 17. Wow. High school? Yep. Yep. Wow.

She lives in LA? Yep. Yep. Yeah. She has two more years, junior and senior and then. Wow. Is she a good kid? Yeah.

She's good. She's really smart and really communicates very well. It's like, oh boy. Okay. You just spoke the truth on me. I was like, I'll be fine. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. She's a good kid. And does she want to be in showbiz? No. No. I mean, I made sure that I made it look as unappealing as possible. I mean, it's not, I don't want my eight-year-old coming to me saying, does my butt look big in this outfit?

You know, it's like, I didn't want to have that self-awareness. We were up in Topanga. She was like, barely bathed, ran around barefoot, naked, just like, wow. You know, just had a real free childhood. Yeah. I didn't want to have that sort of self-aware kind of Hollywood precociousness. What does she want to do? Um, she's interested in psychiatry and psychology, and we have these deep conversations like watching

Hannibal. We're breaking down like the psychology of the two characters, you know, it's hilarious. She's like, wait a minute, you see what's going to happen here? He's going to try and do this because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's based on the fact that I'm like, okay, that would make a cute podcast, Mom and Daughter. Mom and Daughter head shrinking. Yeah.

But just analyzing like, um, um, criminals on TV. Oh yeah. Yeah. We love watching those crime things. That is something that I just today realized about you is that you have, I never thought that you, I mean, you, you seem like very healthy to me because I do a lot of work and I still, I've still, I'm not, you know, I feel like I'm still caring a lot of stuff, um, within me.

So it's constant work. It's, you're never a, you know, a fit of complete, you're never perfect. So you had a chaotic upbringing as a kid then. Um, you, yeah. You don't have to talk about it if it's uncomfortable, but no, no, no, no, no. It's just my family moved away when I was like 14, they moved to another country. And so I lived with my grandmother. So I had a lot of time by myself.

Um, they moved to Samoa. Oh, okay. Yeah. Where my, um, father had a job and then, uh, they're like, oh, we're going to, I said, no, don't go. It's a bad idea. I know this is a bad thing. But they're like, oh, you know, we're going to come back in two years.

And then my dad never did come back. So my mother and my sisters came back. It was kind of like, you know, for this bill of goods and, and I learned to be very solitary and very, very, you know, there's some abandonment there. Yeah. The neglect, you know, and it broke that family. I think with family, you learn how to, um, communicate with each other. You learn how to work through things through, you learn how to be open and be sad and have

somebody else hold it for you with the exception of trauma or, you know, stuff like that. And so I didn't learn how to communicate like this until I went to therapy. So that's why, um, I really, uh, am a big proponent for it. If you don't know how to communicate because it makes, it's, my life is so much happier now that I can be real and not, you know, just go, oh yeah. Wow. This is really nice. I love your outfit.

You look so great. Right. Oh, the weather boy. It's so hot today. Huh. And just talk about nonsense. I struggle with that. I struggle with just like the pleasantries or like small superficialities and it's not

fulfilling. Yeah. When you, um, moved to LA and, um, did your father sort of figure out that, holy shit, like my daughter's on the big screen and did he ever come back around? And was there any acknowledgement of the fact that like, Hey, like I never came back for you? Uh, yeah, it's, it's a dance that we've danced, you know, of our whole lives. So it's, it's, it's definitely going to be something that he, I mean, he regrets, you

know, the effect that his leaving has had on all of us, you know, so he's, he's, you know, set cloth and ashes and, you know, self-flagellation for his whole life, I'm sure. But is he still alive? Yeah. Yeah. He lives in, he lives, he's still with, um, you know, his, you know, secretary that he left my mom for. Oh, wow.

Yeah. They're still married. So, you know, there was something real there. I can't deny he was with her for 40 years, um, and he was with my mom for maybe 17 years. So. He's in Samoa still? They moved to Guam. So.

Oh. So just further and further away. Oh yeah, I've been to Guam. Further and further away so that you can't get them to, you know, pay child support. Parable food. Parable food. Where? Guam.

Really? Yeah. But you were only, you only stayed in a hotel for two nights. You cannot judge. Oh, were you? We did comedy there? Yeah. In Guam?

Wow. The best shows I've done. Lots of Filipinos down there too. Yeah. It was like the best shows I've ever done. They just were ready. Yeah, I mean, they're just ready. It's also sounding that they, it's like America.

It's America. They speak English and, you know, a lot of military down there too. A lot of military. Is Samoa like that? I don't know. Is that a US? Yeah. American Samoa is a territory of the US.

A lot of military people in American Samoa. I spent my time in Western Samoa, which is a sovereign nation. It's like Hawaii 50 years ago, I like to say. No. It's so beautiful. My half sister is there right now. We got to go there. Yeah.

Western Samoa is beautiful. It's where Robert Louis Stevenson, who wrote Treasure Island and all that stuff, he chose Samoa as his final resting place up in Valima. It's just a gorgeous place. It's a huge overgrowth of jungle like you expect, you know, this dinosaur come walking out, you know, it's so deep with jungle. It's beautiful. That's Godzilla.

New York. All right, you call yourself an Asian? No. That's a fucking Godzilla. I have Jurassic on the brain, you know, Ambulans releasing our movie after all. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, Ambulan is. So I claim this as a Tyrannosaurus.

Did Spielberg ever, he probably never stopped by, did he? No, no. Well, we were up there locked down. You couldn't, our families couldn't come up and visit us. Yeah. I think we were really so connected because we were the first hug for each other on Easter Sunday.

After two years of being locked up, with our little pods at home, these were the first people that we were hanging out with without our masks and we were our own little bubble. So it was very, very special. It's fucking crazy what we went through. Yeah, nobody could go over the border. Now that we're all back, I feel like it's back.

Generally, no? Yeah, I feel like it's been back. Yeah, it's back. But we, I just forget that two years, that was... Gone. Three years of our lives. Crazy. I know.

I was like, how long ago was that that I saw you? Like two years ago? No, it was like five years ago. What? Oh yeah. The lost years of COVID. It does feel like that. My sense of time has really been warped

where it does not... Yeah, I don't remember... I only remember bits and pieces of it, mostly in this room recording. No, that's long COVID. That's long COVID. Yeah. I'm losing time also.

We just got COVID, what was it? We were like the last people standing. Did you get it? I got it in May, finally. Yeah. Glad to get it out of the way. Yeah, did you get sick? Okay, so within...

Like I felt it in the morning, I was like, got tested. Oh, I did the test at home, it said negative. I'm like, no, uh-uh. So I went to urgent care and they said, yeah, you're positive. And we all got tested, yes, positive. And by that night, I was feeling... You know, your chest is heavy,

that feeling of Godzilla on your chest. And I thought, you know what? I'm gonna get that Pax Lovid because they had just come out with it like a month and a half before. I'm like, I'm not gonna play. They say, oh, give you a stomach ache, it makes your mouth taste like metal.

Metallic. I don't care. I will take the stuff. What is it? Because this does not feel like it's an antiviral. What did we take? You got the infusion, you got the antibodies. But the antibodies don't really work well

against the new variants. Oh, it doesn't. Yeah, if you ever got it again, I would do Pax Lovid. This stuff was from 4 p.m. one day, feeling like Godzilla's on my chest till like eight o'clock the next morning. And I was like, cleaning my house.

You know, I felt that much better. So, you know, I don't care. Metallic tastes, stomach ache, whatever. Take death off the table. And I'm fine to take your Pax Lovid, you know? Yeah, I heard it's gonna get bad in fall and winter. Yeah, well, you've already committed to living, which I think you have.

And whether it gets bad or good, I don't think you're gonna go back to the way it was. You don't think so? I don't think so, especially you. Why? You know, you are really just raring these days. You're really going for it and kissing people in the mouth. Massaging men's faces.

And massaging men's faces. That's true. So, you're definitely gonna get it again in fall. Yeah. So, Pax Lovid, my gift to you. Pax Lovid. Yeah, it is interesting. I kind of forgot that we're in a pandemic.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I've just been, I don't, just doing crazy things. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Maybe I should change. Because, you know, I still live- Don't put yourself in danger.

Put myself. Don't put yourself in danger. You know what? I got it. Comedy is danger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Here we go.

Life is danger. I'll take you one further. Try to beat that to you. Yeah. Did you know John Lovid's or, not John Lovid's, Bob Saget or Louis Anderson? No, not really. I mean, I met them in passing,

but not really. Worked with Chris Farley. Oh, you did? Oh, that's right. Back in the day, he was on, yeah, Wayne's World. He was so sweet. We couldn't look me in the eye. He was just so shy.

Oh. Yeah, sweetie. I heard he was a super nice guy. Yeah, very nice, very sweet, very shy. What about Dana Carvey? Do you ever see him? Love him. I went to see him and Dennis Miller

perform at some casinos somewhere. I'm like, hey, Dana. I've talked to him a few times on the phone. I went to go visit Mike in New York a few years ago now. But I mean, it's like, life goes, you go in your separate ways and he's got kids. I'm here. My daughter's in high school.

Everybody's got their own little lives that go on. And you remember them fondly from that time, but it's never going to be that magic moment of 1990. Yeah, but it's amazing. I mean, you get to live the rest of your life knowing that. Like, because Wayne's World was an iconic movie. Yeah. It was a phenomenon.

It was a phenomenon. But the character of Cassandra was just so big. She was a gift. She was a gift to me. It was that, you know, the stages in an actor's career, a performer's career, who's Bobby Lee? Get me Bobby Lee. Get me a younger Bobby Lee.

Who's Bobby Lee? Have you ever heard that? Yeah. The stages of a performer's career. So that was the who's to your career, get me to your career moment. It was like, all right, this is the one that changes your life, you know?

Who's Bobby Lee? That's how it starts, and that's how it ends. And you have to be OK with it. Because it ends that way. Who's Bobby Lee? Yeah. Because there are going to be younger generations that don't know who we are.

Yeah. Do you feel that now? Yeah, yeah. Especially for the kids that are younger than 30, they don't know Wayne's World, True Lies, Rising Sun. Lilo and Stitch, I could still get a rise out of people for being in Lilo and Stitch, that cartoon. But it's sort of like, I remember I was walking down

the street with Pauly Shore. We were in front of the comedy store. And we did jury duty. And we had this deep conversation, in sharp contrast to his public persona. He goes, you know, this is so weird. We have to remember this. Imagine 10, 20, 30 years from now,

we're walking down the street together, and we still have the same faces. We still look the same. But we're not at the height of our career like we are right now, like he was the weasel. And I was Cassandra. I thought that was very prescient. I thought that was very deep thinking of him,

that you have to be OK being a normal guy walking down the street, and not having people fall over themselves to give you free stuff, or taking pictures, or this sun doesn't shine on you anymore, the way it did back then. And you have to be able to go into a regular normal life, and do normal things, and be OK. Wow, that's true.

I feel like that in itself is a gift of being able to have lived this life fully exposed to the world, everyone saying, Cassandra, you're Cassandra, to having the gift of transcending, and then living this other kind of life that's a little bit more quiet, and grounded, and you get to watch your child grow up. That's why I went to Topanga.

Because I was in West Hollywood for 20 years. And, well, 10, no, yes, was it 20 years? Yeah, 20 years. And then I just unplugged. I'm like, I'm not going to be here. I'm not going to compare this to what it was then. And I want to have her protected on top of a mountain in the middle of nowhere, above the cloud line.

It was really a conscious moment. Malibu all the way out there. Yeah, so going towards Malibu on the PCH, you go to Topanga Canyon up, and up, and up, and up. So in the morning, it's above the cloud line, because it's so you can walk amongst the clouds. Yeah, it's beautiful up there. You get internet out there?

I didn't, initially. That's not a dumb question. That's not a fucking dumb question, dude. He's thinking of moving the podcast there. No, what I'm saying is, when we were looking for houses, even over their Laurel Canyon area, right, they didn't get internet. That's why we couldn't buy some of them.

And you get the tower. You get the little repeater tower. A little extender thing. Is that what you have? Yeah, I did up there, because there was only one spot on a windowsill, I could get any sort of service. So this is, there's gotta be something else. So that Samsung had this $250 little thing

you put on your desk, and it just shot out Wi-Fi through your house. Wow, see, that's what I'm saying, dude. So you get really high-speed internet out there. Up there, it was amazing. It was the best internet I had anywhere, because Verizon was rolling out their fiber optic system there in Topanga, random.

One place in Texas, and Topanga, California. I don't know why, but I missed that internet up there. Wow, oh, you're on the there anymore? No, no. I'm over in the West Lake Village area. Now more suburban, closer to school. It was a hell of a far drive anywhere. Wow.

And when you have a kid, you gotta go to athletics, you gotta go to school, you gotta after school, and all these play dates and stuff. It's a lot of schlepping. I mean, I should have been able to become a father. You can still. You think so? Of course, how old are you?

What? I've offered you. Yeah, yeah. Freezer ever, eggs. Freezer eggs. Yeah. How old am I? I'm 50 now.

You're just 50. How old are you? 55. And for men, it's different, because you can have kids, you know, until you're 70, because every, what, 30, 60, 90 days, you have new stuff. Women are born with what we have, and that's it. We have our set of eggs, and our shelf life.

Yeah, our shelf life is finite. But this new generation of calm. Yeah. It's weak. New generation. It's weak. Yeah, it's weak. He started dipping again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This new generation, I could see, I could feel it. It's little too. It's like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, it should be like an army. That's not true. You have like a constant resurgence.

Okay, first of all, I'm gonna just say this, and I don't want Congresswoman. I just want, I don't want. Congresswoman. I know, we're not talking about your gizm. I'm just saying my gizm, though. I analyze my gizm, you know what I mean? Every other night, I look it under the palm of my hand.

You do? Yeah. And I look at it, and I go, it's not the same. Really? It's not like the O.T. Maybe you're dehydrated. I think so. You know, he's better.

Yeah, that's it. Drink more water. Drink more water. Drink more water. I drink two of these bottles a day. Oh, wow. Yeah, really, drink more water? Yeah.

And then you get gizms? Yeah, cause you've always been, we've talked about this in extensively. You don't, you're not a, you don't have propulsion. You don't have a lot of... That's the thing, I'm not a shooter. Jet fuel. No, you're a dribbler.

I'm a dribbler. Oh, prostate. You're 50. Yeah. Did you get it checked out? No, I should. Of course. Yeah, cause I know guys like Kirk Foxx and older guys

might age. Kirk, I know Kirk, right? Yeah, I love him. He shoots. Oh God, you stood there and watched him? No, but he's... No, no, no, no. But he's told me, he goes, no, I get like two inch,

two feet. He can say anything and you'd believe him. I believe him, right? But I go, mine is just like, it's just like, like my penis is crying. Weeping, weeping. Weeping. Not a full cry.

And I was going, it's okay little buddy. You know what I mean? I'd go and get that checked out. You go to doctor. You think so? Wait, you guys work together on something. Heartbreakers. Yeah, but he had his scene and I had my scenes.

We didn't work together, but I saw him like... We did see each other on set or something. Yeah, on set. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like in your negligee, getting ready to do your seduction scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah, seduction scene. No, no, and a G-string or something.

Yeah. But you won't do an accent. No. I won't let you keep saying that. Okay, come on. The third one. I'm waking up. Fuck you.

There you go. And here's, I think John Cho fucked me up because John's like, well, I don't do them. Right? And I was like... But he talks like John Cho. Yeah. Yeah, John Cho has an accent.

That's an accent. That's an accent. Oh, that's right. That's an accent. It's a John Cho accent. Yeah, so you know what? I've done them. Like I was on curbing the as through the as I did one.

I did one on the dictator. What? Easy for you to say. Yeah. Well, you were on it. Yeah, I was on curb. Did you like it? Yeah, I loved it.

It was terrifying. Terrifying, yeah. Because it's all improv. Yeah. And all these guys know each other. So I'm like with, you know, Ted Danson and Larry David and you know, Richard Lewis, the whole room full Jeff Garland. And I'm like, how do I get a word in edge wise

without stepping on their thing? I'm like, I'm just going to stand here and be quiet. You're so quick. You are very you're very quick. Thanks, not quick enough. I mean, there's a room of like six top notch improvers that have a relationship and they've already got their thing going on.

You're like, oh, yeah, let's take a wedge in here. Well, even as a comedian, you know, when I did it, I was just like, holy fuck, that's Larry David. Holy fuck. You know what I mean? What? Because the scenes were just him and I, you know what I mean? And yeah, it's like that was fun with just him and I.

That was great. Yeah, that was great. But still, there is a thing like because I rarely like things. And so when I'm on something that I actually watch, I just I think that elevates it in a weird way freaks you out. You're like, oh, my God, I got to do a good job because I love this show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're so excited that you're there and stuff.

But yeah, that must I would have been intimidated as well. I'm with all those guys in that room full of people. Oh, my God. And they're on every episode. And so they had like however many years it was together at that point. I'm like, oh, OK, this scene is going to be hard for me, but at least in the other stuff because I played Chacha, who was sitting outside of the bathroom, like, you went to the bathroom again.

And he comes and he's like, Chacha, don't don't pay attention to when I go to the bathroom. He comes out and I'm like, wow, that was quick. He's like, don't say that's how quick it was that I went to the bathroom. So it was a whole gag and. Oh, right, right, right, talking. Yeah, yeah, time. So yeah, that was fun.

Yeah, that was fun. It's a you probably didn't audition for it. And I don't remember. I think I auditioned for another part. Oh, I see for like a someone that gives him a colonoscopy. But I didn't get that. Yeah, but I got this job. Yeah, because it was Richard Lewis's girlfriend on it.

What you need your colonoscopy. You set it up, set it up. Yeah, OK, I need that and your prostate. The prostate. We're here to help you. I thank you. Have you done blood work recently? Yes, I did. I got it. I got the fucking blood work.

But the audition, I remember it was an index card. So when you go in the lobby, they just give you an index card and give you what the scenario topic. Yeah, the topic. And then you just walk in with the I remember walking with the index card. Yeah, here I go. I don't know the fuck this is. And then it's it's Larry and Jeff Garland and Larry Charles was there

and they're just sitting in the room. I love Larry Charles. I love him so fucking much. Anyway, such a nice guy. What a nice guy. But I just remember. But once you I walked in, I was like, you know what, I got it. You know what I mean? I'm Bobby Lee.

You are. I can do all they told me was like, don't let him go into the bathroom. Just keep talking so he has to walk away from you. And when he comes out of the bathroom, just keep talking. Don't let him walk away from you. Yeah, that's all I had. I was like, OK, purple diarrhea. Here we go. Let's just talk about nothing.

So when does it come out Easter? Easter Sunday comes out August. When does it come out? It's going to be a hit. Number one, here's what I got from you. I don't take anything for granted. I don't. Yeah, yeah. You look beautiful, by the way.

Thank you. You look great. We were really excited for this. So excited for this episode. I thought you were disappointed because you didn't get Joe. You just got me. No, we've had Joe how many times? Too many. Too many times. Really? We've had Joe too many times, right?

And if when I landed you, I was like, oh, and I never thought he was going to happen because I was like, please, Joe, you should have just got in touch with me directly. I didn't have your number at the time. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I have your number now. If you ever want me to come in and do my chair analysis.

Number one, you're, can I say something to you? You're very good. You're very fast. And you're quick, right? And you're very talented. And thank you so much for doing it. Thank you. This is a fun discussion.

I'm glad you were open to all these different zigs and zag. Oh, we zigzag and we zag zig. Yo, yo, yo, cut in. I know you take out all the heavy, you know. No, we're not. We're not cutting any analysis. There's not one thing we're cutting out. Is there something that you want to cut out?

No, I'm fine. Yeah, yeah. I own it. Yeah, yeah. We talked about my jizz all the time anyway. But at the end of our show, what we do is a thing called Unhelpful Advice. And people email us problems, and we either help them or not.

That's like, love line. I did that back in the day with Karola. Who else was it? It was Karola and who? Dr. Drew. I love both those guys. In this little studio down in Culver City or something like that.

All right, so Unhelpful Advice. Unhelpful Advice with Tia Guerre. Hey, Tiger Balli. I got by, I go by the producer named Chalk Vila. I've been doing music for over 10 years, and I still haven't seen any significant progress in where I want to be. I'm 31 years old now.

I'm still living in my parents' basement hoping that one day I might be able to make something out of myself. I'm pretty confident in my ability to make some pretty damn good beats, but I still can't seem to open any doors that I want to see open my way. I don't want to disappoint my parents, even though I know they love me deeply

and they are supporting my dream. After all these years, do I continue to, after all these years, do I still continue to struggle, or should I throw in the towel and get schooling of a good paying job to reassure my loving parents that I'll be able to support myself in the future? Thanks, Chalk Vila. He's feeling a little guilty.

His parents believe in him, though. It's a tough one. Yeah, it is. It's a tough one because I'm always one to support someone's dream and to follow your heart. But at the same time, it's like you got to make a living. Yeah. Even actors or waiters in a restaurant

getting tips so that they go pay for their acting classes for when that job comes around. Yeah. If it's your passion, yeah. Does he have a job? I think he has to have a job, at least. If your daughter stayed at your house and she was 31 and she was like a DJ.

I changed the locks. Boom. No, eventually you would say something? Of course. She wouldn't be 31 living in. No, she wouldn't know. I would. That's the point of getting them up to speed to.

Unless there's some serious illness or some incapacity. What if she's like, Mom, I have a dream. You had your dream. You followed your dream. I support my dream. You know what my dream pop when I was 17? No. No, no, no.

I mean, you, I'd be like, honey, I love that you're passionate about this. Let's get you some gigs on the weekend. Let's see if I know anybody that needs something for a party or whatever. But you have to be able to earn your keep. If you weren't living in my house, you'd have to pay for an apartment.

You have to pay for your car. I have to pay for your insurance. These are the things you need to pay for. So how are you going to do that while you're supporting your own dream? So let me ask you. If your daughter was, let's say she wasn't living at home and she was in her 30s and she asked for money,

would you give her money? I don't think that's helpful. I don't think that's helpful. Yeah. So you wouldn't. I would try not to. You would, though. If it's, I mean, I've helped people out.

I've helped so many people out over the course of time. And it's always like, during this one period of time where I'll get kicked out if I don't have help here or whatever. OK, let's look at why you're in this situation and see if I can help you with the structure so that you don't get into the situation again. But yeah, it's. My thing is I'll help one time.

I'll help. But you don't even have to if it's not something that you feel is warranted. If they've gotten themselves dug so deep because they were overspending, they were not taking care of business or whatever, there's nothing wrong with you saying, I really feel badly for you.

I wish you weren't in this situation, but I wish you luck with it. Wow. That's gangster shit right there. Yeah, and it's hard to say no, especially when you have the resources. But yeah, you know, it's I had to learn that my family in the Philippines,

it's like every other day, even just today, it's always, you know, asking for X amount for this thing. Now this thing, someone's, you know, eyes fell off their head like it's always going to be something. And there's only one of you and there's like so many more of them. Both of us, both of us.

There is that guilt of, you know, saying no, but I've had to be firm and it's something that I've only recently learned maybe like two years ago where saying no didn't feel like I had to like feel, you know, I felt guilty. So why am I so lucky? And yeah, but I mean, there's only one of you. If you helped out every single person that asked you,

you would then be in financial difficulty, you know? Yeah, I just would freak the fuck out if somebody's eyes fell out of their head. But it's always that, that's always the pain, right? I mean, imagine though, but visually imagine it though, right? You have the, you know what I mean? Whatever the nerves and stuff attach out of the retina.

So it'd just be like, that would be the scariest thing. Yeah. You should help them. Like a John Carpenter. You should help them. But that's not so far away from the truth. That is the truth. My friend was, my cousin is in prison over there

and he needed an eye operation because he was going blind. Out of the head. And so they were like, basically, they're not gonna. I know I'm obsessed with it. I know. Just say it right. He was going blind. He was going blind.

That's fine. But then I'm like, well, you know, would he do to get himself like locked up? And truly it was a pretty atrocious thing he did. So I'm like, you know, my family's just all a bunch of lovely criminals. What do we tell this guy though? What do we tell this fucking guy?

I would, I need more information. Does he have a job? And if he doesn't, he should have a job. Yeah. Let's say he does have a job still, but it seems like he's just very guilty that his parents are so gung-ho about him, but he's just not, it's 10 years, 10 years in.

10 years in. Of the fashion. Listen, and this is a brutal thing I'm gonna say. And I see that with comics all the time, right? I know dudes that I started with that are still doing it. And they just nothing happened, and what I do is something so brutal, but I just cut them out. And I just basically go, I'm like, I'm not mean,

but I like, I just, I'll say stuff like, you know, maybe it's time to move on. It's hard, but like, you know, 10 years is pretty much the time, if you spent 10 years grinding away at an art, right, and you don't see any opening and you don't see anything happening, it might be time to move on. It's hard to say, but it's like.

Or pivot within the industry. Yeah, for me, yeah, every year. Yeah. He could do sound for a studio and make money. Be an engineer, right. And use the back of the clock. He could have the studio like it from 2 a.m. to 4 a.m. to do his music.

There you go. That's making lemonade out of lemons. I mean, you're making a living. So you're not living your parents' basement. Yeah. You're making a living in an adjacent business. So you're listening to the best and the brightest and the newest coming up

while you continue to foster your art, your passion, whatever, and then it'll fall off eventually. If you just like, you know what? These guys are so much better than me. I'm just gonna let them do it. And I'm gonna become the best engineer that I possibly can, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like for me, what I do every year, what I did was this. I started in 95. And I remember the first year was like, you know what? This is the first, I did, I killed in front of 200 people. So that was like a big landmark. The year after that was like, I opened for Pauli in Vegas, right?

The year after that is, oh, I did my first TV spot. You know what I mean? I was still living poor, but like I could see- Forward momentum. Happening slowly, right? And then by year, let's say I said 95 in 2005 years, I did Leno. So I was just-

Wow. I was like, okay, now, you know what I mean? But I did struggle, but it was like every year, you could see movement, you know what I mean? So it's like, and if this guy could see movement, maybe not quit, right? But if it's like stagnant for 10 years, you know what I mean? Then I don't know, maybe move on.

But if he's paying his own bills, fine and good, let it be your mistress on the side. Yeah. If that's what fills your heart with joy, continue to be the best DJ ever and put it on SoundCloud, do a video, put it on YouTube, whatever, working in an adjacent business, but you gotta pay your own bills.

Yeah, like my friend worked with Mark Ruffalo in Echo Park Silver like bartending, right? And then Mark got, what's that movie I love with Laura Linney? You can count on me. You can count on me. And then all the reviews were he's the next Brando. You know what I mean? And he'd never worked at a bar since then.

But like, so he was working hard at a bar. Brando. It's the Asian way of saying it. What did I say? Brando. Brando. You said Brando. Brando.

Brando. You look, you're doing an accent now, congratulations. His name is not Marlon Brando. Brando. Brando. Brando. We'll have to Google that. We'll have to bring him on.

Yeah, yeah, I think it's Brando. You hurt my heart, Marlon, Brando, man. All right. He's a legend. Brando. Yeah. I got to improv with him. Did you really?

In what scenario? This movie up in Montreal, and it was so crazy. That was terrifying. Wait, wait, wait. You worked with Marlon Brando. Brando. You worked with Marlon Brando. Yes, I did.

I did. Just one scene. It was Karada movie, but I got to have that moment. What was he like? He was, I mean, he was very, very big. It was at the end of his life already. He was very, very big, and he had clearly had problems, but he was having fun, just sort of like,

I was supposed to be some insurance adjuster that was there to give him a check for some car that had gotten stolen or something, and then it turned out to be a scam. So I'm like, I can't give you this to you unless you give me the proper documentation and blah, blah, blah, and he's like, what island are you from? Blah, blah, blah.

All right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He said, well, I'm from Hawaii, but that's really beside the point. We're here to talk about your insurance adjusting. I'm from Hawaii, you know, I have a Tahitian child. I was like, what on this whole tangent? He was just there just having fun flirting.

I'm like, oh, I'm trying to keep this scene on track, but it was cool. Oh, so it was improv. Yeah, completely improv. Wow. It wasn't supposed to be. Yeah, yeah. It was a script, but it turned into something

completely different. Oh, that's what he did with the island of Dr. Moran. That's my favorite story you tell about the dolphin. Yeah, yeah. Wait, what? So he told, he called New Line, one of the executives, because I want to stop production, and I want to rewrite the script.

The entire? They're in, they're shooting, they're midway in the movie. And of course, if you're an executive, you're like, you know what I mean? I'm going to listen to Marlon Brando. And he's like, my suggestion is, through the whole movie, I'm wearing a mask.

Oh, that's right. I remember. Right. And they're like, he's like, OK, and at the end of the movie, I pull off the mask, and I'm a dolphin. And then he's like, yeah, yeah, he's like, no, no, no, no. No, but like, he literally wanted to stop production and to change it.

He went into that movie just like, I'm not doing the dialogue. I'll show up when I want to show up. And I'm going to do whatever I want to do. And make it, yeah. Imagine having that kind of power. It's like pure artistry. I love it. Yeah.

Is he the biggest guy you've worked with? Who's the biggest guy you've worked with? Is this him? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Jeez, how you pulled that up like that.

And that's you? I got to be careful what I post on there. Yeah, that's me. That's amazing. That's Marlon fucking Brando. Legend. Marlon fucking Brando. Was he the biggest guy you've worked with?

Literally, yeah. Yeah. That right there would be a life changer for me. That was trippy. Yeah, that's cool. This is a great photo. It's a great fucking photo. That's me on set going, where do I go with this scene?

Yeah. People come up to my face like, talking about Tahiti. I'm supposed to be giving him an insurance check. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Who's going to call cut? Oh, so they cut the cameras rolling? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Was it on film or digital? It was on film. Wow. Roll out. Sorry, we have roll out. We have to reload. Wow.

Imagine just rolling on film. He's talking about Tahiti right now. All this money being wasted. All right, Tia, we're going to promote your movie. And we will. It's not my movie. I'm just happy to be part of it. It's your movie.

It's your fucking movie. It's your movie. We're calling it your movie. We're calling it a movie. Easter Sunday. Yeah. Tia Carrera in Easter Sunday. Right.

We would love to have you any time you want to promote anything, come back. Great. You have my number. And when we get Kevin Shay on here, maybe she can hot. You can be a man. Yeah, that'll be an ugly episode. But maybe you can model it.

I don't want to get caught in the crossfire. That's all. There's going to be no violence. No violence involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was a pleasure. And whatever you ever need from me, I'm there for you. Thank you.

I'm being real. Thank you. If you ever need anything, if you have a charity and you want me and Joe Coy to do it, a charity show, we'll kill it. Oh, 100%. Holy cow. Anything you want.

OK? Give her a round of applause. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You're so cool. You're welcome. You're welcome.

You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Barely

Adfree on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen ad-free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcast. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com-slash-survey.