TigerBelly - Ep 383: Trevor Wallace & the Cellar Clown

Episode Date: January 25, 2023

Trevor Wallace is an American comedian, writer, and actor. He makes his 2nd appearance on TigerBelly.Bobby is the ant god. Trevor is great at Limbido. Khalyla likes the hotlines. We talk the Abe Lincoln face club, John Oates' bush, intoxicating smells, cockroach coffee, and banana splits. Check out our sponsor Zocdoc. Go to www.zocdoc.com/belly and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly ad-free on Amazon music download the app today I Am so jealous of you You get the best girls on your show No, but that's the thing. We're not a porn podcast. We had a Bella danger. Yeah, she's uh, that's why I'm crossing my leg She's hot, but Then other DMs happen the people are like we want to be on your show We want to be a show and then we go like a week and we like don't do any porn stars

And then it does you know low numbers. What can't what can't we get the porn stars? You can do we got um anal princess Stella Barry. Yeah, but we know so no anal. No. Oh geez. We had also Kira for many years. She's like my sister I won't see her asshole Yeah, I want to see some good category these days. Just put the word step in front of sister and you're good Yeah, well, can we get Lumiere? I know her. I know because you went on a date with her I don't go to date with her. I didn't go on a date with her. I didn't go on a date What did you guys do together place to know you went to dinner? Everyone's been on a date with her. Oh, yeah. Yeah, was it a date?

Are we just like sitting at a restaurant together? Yeah. Yeah, that's what it was Sharon it's picking my mind about comedy. What's that that once that comes up you're out So what a callback is yeah, yeah, what's your writing process and I looked at her. I was like, oh, I'm out. Oh, no Oh, no, what is your writing process? none There is no that's why you're out But um, you know the other night when I um, she's hot. Oh, yeah, she's very hot. She's very nice, too You lied to me there tonight. What do you mean?

What did I lie to you about? Well, the other night we're at the improv you see you have to go So you want to perform me and then just look here me out right You want before me? I have to go. I have to go that's so dramatic. I know but you did. Did you not say that did I snap? Oh, you didn't do this. Okay. That's what your podcast partner does probably this Michael Yeah, yeah, but you Michael right good kid But so you go I want to go before you and I have to go because I have to go so I go. Oh, yes, I go

So you went up killed it you killed it, right? Thanks, man, and then I go up, right and I'm so furious during my whole show. I know I why because in my periphery. I could see you standing was that a full word Peripheral there it is You know you're being rude right now. I'm so yeah Rude right now. I feel that I'm trying to get this out. Yeah, and then we can move on with it Right, so am I peripheral right? I see you Against the wall while your arms crossed I was watching. We're not watching I was watching. I watch your whole set Right, but then why'd you lie? See they have to go. I

Hate what cops do that. I hate what comics do that I didn't know because we were on the schedule at set like you were already booked after me. I was yeah It was me then you I did the first show so usually that you know, I'm not gonna tell you how comedy works What is your writing process? But but I was on the seven o'clock. So there's like I was just there for three hours. I'm eating spinach dip by myself It's lonely. It's weird. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of people smoke a weed up there. I'm getting uncomfortable. Yeah, what is that up with that, too? I don't know. Do people in Weed Park? I've little green room. There's no they're not none of them are on the show

None of them were comics, right? And they're just but there's something about a green room where you're like I need to do drugs. Yeah, hollywood. Who's up there? Just like people friends and I don't want and don't cancel me Don't cancel me and I'm just telling keep the camera on Bobby. Cancel right? I'll get her out of Bobby. Just Bobby. I'm saying truth isms. All right, okay This is not, you know me a slam to any race ethnicity or background or gender. All right, what happened after all right, so People really respect the green rooms. They're comic clubs and now you every once in a while I see a guy just sniffing on me out a key. What on what? But for the most part at the store at the improv you don't really see people just are just sitting there on their phone

There's nothing wild. It's always the people who are outside of it. They're doing the most I don't know that's in interesting that you say that and I agree with you, Trev Yeah, can I call you Trev? Of course. All right, but like people will look at me and they'll be like a friend of a friend will be like Thanks for asking for it was very nice. But can I do drugs in here? I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. What do you mean? Try We try they will like what like a friend of a friend was like literally doing cocaine and I was like I don't want to be the why am I the gatekeeper here Because if you're on the lineup in the green room, yeah, and they're not it's your green room. That is true Okay, so you can do whatever you want there for your comfort, right?

Yeah, but a guy doing coke in the corner is a lot of comfort, you know, I'm saying like he should not be there I don't want to tell a coked-out guy. No, you know My meth don't yeah, if it's mad The boy or baby the pull my baby that they boil babies. Oh boy. Oh boy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah one time in Riverside They will be a lot of things happen. A couple of boiler baby. Yeah, Riverside is What is that? Why is the IE just out here like that? Oh great shows so much fun That's every time he has a show in the IE he almost I What is IE in line Empire? I love it there. It's great. They have great math

That's where it comes from right. I believe so. It's always inland Right, right because in San Diego Vista, you know me back in the day was the place and that was come more inland. Oh That's right. Yes, sir That's what is that? There's a lack of water so they just get steamy and hot in the area and you're like, I just need to do drugs No, they're just not a lot of things around so like, you know, I mean like they're in a trailer to have a meth lab in there Yeah, right a lot of like Ralph's like Planet Fitness is You know David's bridal places Yeah, what is that? Yeah, what is David's bridal because I always drive by I don't know what it is

It's basically it's affordable wedding dresses. Oh, don't get married then How do you feel about like a Thursday wedding? Friday I'm in I gotta take a connecting flight. You're better fucking with everybody. What was the last wedding you went to? I went to one on a Friday in Austin, Texas comic. Uh, no, just a friend comics wedding What's comics when they have you in last comics wedding? I went to a Door guy Alex comedy store Why years ago years ago, okay, so you never to been to a real comedians

No, he's a great funny Alex, I'm sorry my bad. Yeah, what do you who's comics weddings? Have you been to so he can understand what you mean by that? I don't want to bring it because if I say it then people are gonna give me shit about it Sebastian very good one Oh, where was that one? I feel like he just floated down the aisle There were angels really when you then trumpets did he do a speech at all? No, I'd love that but you house there was like 50 went girls little girls of white dresses with with with with with Angel wings. Yeah, and behind them there were trumps

Right and I was walking I go I don't think I don't think I was cuz I was wearing like I'm gonna different I was like a Hawaiian shirt a beanie. You know I mean. Oh, yeah, raw denim the Joe's Crab Shack fit Yeah, yeah, and everyone was dressed so nice. Yeah, I just didn't feel good there. What does that seem to put a suit on? I Don't like your tone. I'm generally curious He has a beautiful suit, but he always wears like a vintage shirt underneath or he tries to You know mix it up with his my style. Yeah. Yeah, I like that I'll do it like a nice suit. You know, I mean like a nice jacket nice jacket nice pants nice pants like a Tom Ford kind of thing Oh, hello. Hey, yeah, how are we doing? Good? I saw in your car. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, your nose is out of control

Your nose dude, it's like I can't deal with it because even when I was performing and I saw him up there Yeah, we know literally eight minutes in you've just been standing I know but I was like on stage and My sighting that was the tip of your nose right here off the side. My side angle is not good. It's not Not good, but noses like yours are all the rage with wait who with who with Jews really? It's all the rage for the Jews Oh, yeah, I get like tagged in tiktoks and like men or like girls who like guys with bigger noses up Like I've never met a girl who've been like your nostrils. Yeah, it's not your nostrils It's because when you go down on us and especially from behind the tip of your nose touches the ass and it really tickles it

What I have a built-in vibrator You do you have a built-in second appendage that tickles ever so slightly the tip of our assholes and it feels so good I've been with a guy whose nose was massive and I can tell you confidently that I think about him to this day solely because of the the ass to nose touching I Like how big was his nose like like a Nigel Thornberry type of guy or what I mean like it was the first thing you saw in a room Also, he was a really big guy, so it matched his whole look, but it was Adrian Brody nose. Oh, yeah But his is an Adrian Brody. It's not but it can touch an asshole No, yeah, they can touch their fucking back of her spine

No, you're like a Lincoln Memorial. No, like an ape like you're part of a Lincoln's like face club or whatever you're a man You just have one of those like I live in the woods No, I don't have that at all. It's your face not your body. Okay. Okay. Your body's no no your body's like No, not in a manly Auschwitz Well A lot of you have sorry sorry my bad my bad. Are you Jewish? Come on. Okay. Yeah, my bad. Yeah Oh, right good. Yeah, I love them My parents are the Jews the Jews in general. Okay. I love them. Good. They got great noses

Beautiful ones, so I don't know if you saw the article he pulled up But it said there's a correlation of better dick and bigger nose I'd rather I'd rather have better ingredients. I'd rather have no dick and not your nose This is also interesting. Well, they said he you can have your nose and I'd rather have not the fucking no, Bobby We've seen your penis. It's essentially the same five reasons why men with big noses make the best husbands Also, the pic the guy in the picture has the tiniest. No, he also is a man bun So I think I just picked the wrong guy in general Trevor. Does any of this apply to you? Man with big noses have more muscle. I mean, we'll ask the audience here, dude. Oh, that's pretty good

I Know Bobby number two thought to be wise and powerful. I could see that Bradley Cooper They have better luck with money nobody I mean Come on. I mean, maybe I mean is it the nose or the people That's a real question with the money part with the money part Uh, we're going with the oh number five. They have a crazy libido. I have a libido. What is it? You like fucking oh Yeah, I'm down. I thought

I thought Libido was a I thought Libido was a game where they put the stick and yet to go underneath it. What's that? But I could do that too with my nose I could eat. Oh, yeah. Yeah, just go right under it, right? Yeah, but you wouldn't be good at that game. What eating ass or no, let me know let me know that's got to be the title is Limbita, yeah, because you would you your whole body would get through but your nose would tip it I feel like you'd be really good at libido. I'll be great at libido. I feel like you can get real low I get so low. I think you can get under a Ford F1. I don't have to do a band. I could just walk across Yeah, that's all I am anyway, how are you? Oh, you're gonna go reverse now. No, you're gonna attack me. No, probably Yeah, yeah, I would never the other night in prop you you were so funny in

Watching you go up. It's one of my favorites because you're before you go on you're quiet You're gonna sit in there and then you hit the stage and it just pops and everybody like not one person in the room Is not watching like everybody's locked in on you except for me I was looking at the that's something else, but no you weren't I Could see you up there. I was up there. You're up there. No, I was doing this with my hand Yeah, you weren't my precious my precious, but no you did great. No, you listen bud. Can I call you bud? Please? I? I honestly think that You're moving up in the world. Thank you

And I you know when I look at you and I and I'm with you. I feel like we've known each other forever In the business and I feel like you're a part of the crew I know I was excited to get the call to come back round two. Yeah, not everyone comes back to this really Yeah, I was gonna say some people somebody must have canceled today. Did somebody cancel today? Oh agent wrote it today No, no one canceled. No, I got the tax. I'm like fuck. Yeah, dude. When'd you get when do we when do you get taxed? About 20 minutes ago. No, what no, when was he both? I heard your name in the list. Yeah. Yeah, do you guys say it or or you guys are like get a man? Oh, yeah Oh, let's go. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, I you know I have to prove it

Yeah, yeah, right. I mean, I can't have like, you know, Kevin Shea walk in here, you know Yeah, I mean with his attitude Danger would do our show or do you think that I think she she definitely would she was like so shy and Just kind of like very just like like the fact that she does porn like I forgot Like she's like, yeah, I'm going back to law school and I was like, huh? Yeah, I've seen this category before Yeah, I mean when you talk to them, they sometimes they go, you know, sometimes we do scenes for three hours They fuck for three hours. And that's you guys don't Who's they Asians or Koreans or big? I don't know big nose fucks. Yeah, big nose big nose

No, I say when you wait when you when you just said you guys don't what did you mean? No, come back to when you said we were in the green No, I want to get back to this. So I said no, listen, just listen for a second. Okay. All right. All right We talked about you mean three-hour sex Mm-hmm, and then you said you guys don't but then his fingers sort of only points It's a John I you me and Gilbert, but he missed miss George. So when you said you guys don't can we come to a commercial break? Hello No, I'm saying

In specifically like like you people we're not dating. You know, I know I know that Specifically you people no no no no no no no no no I'm saying is it Asians in general's jungle Asians is it He's an indelination There's no Asians, you know that's come out. Yeah. Yeah, there's all kinds of Asians. I'm saying How do I refer Bobby and Kalilah? Yeah, there we go. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah, yeah I gotta say names man. So that's what you're saying Bobby and Kalilah. You guys didn't three hours for three I mean, oh my god one time in Sacramento. Oh, that's a place. We fuck long. Oh, yeah We were so depressed hotel room. Yeah, that's exactly it. There was only mattress stores and whatever. Yeah

That's the comic book and then we were just like I think one night. We were just like, oh, let's just say We fucks for three hours sober. Yeah. Yeah. Oh Oh, well, that's good three hours. Yeah, I love that club in Sacramento the punchline. Do you like it? It's so fun. Great audience, right? I like car got broken into there at a Chick-fil-A Which is the holiest place in the world. I had a rental car doing one nighters up the coast Did sack sack punch and then some get it punched in the car It was a rental or rental. Yeah. Oh, wow at a Chick-fil-A broad daylight. Whoa, that's pretty bold I when I get a rental now, I don't lock the cars at all

I don't leave anything in the car, but I don't lock it so it they don't break it or psychology Oh, so they don't have to kind of break the windows. They put the signs on the car. It's like, please don't break in There's nothing of value here. Yeah, or just open and check it out. There's nothing in there Wait, that's smart. Oh, yeah, everywhere in San Francisco doesn't I think I'd taunt them But try me pussy and then put that on the front I Zock doc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient reviewed Take your insurance are available when you need them and treat almost every condition under the Sun

Oh, you know when I go to restaurants, I don't want to know how good the restaurant is right? Why don't we do that with our bodies? Oh, yeah, why don't we do that with doctors? Okay, you had a thing, right? Yeah, so last week I went to see an orthopedic surgeon Because my shoulders are in bad condition and I found a guy through Zock doc and he was incredible He had amazing bedside manners He took out the model of the shoulder and he was like this is what's messed up in your shoulder I had a really good experience millions of people use doc doc's free app to find and book a doctor in the neighbor in their neighborhood Who is patient reviewed and fits their needs and schedule just right?

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Because I got one What what? Thief, okay, right? So I go Like one of those. Oh, you got a good evil right right and then they stay in my dungeon. Oh I like that. I think if I didn't like somebody I would take stickers and put them on the car But there's an iPad in this bitch just so people break into it or something. Yeah, you know what I would do them in the dungeon Well, I like the way you went past the dungeon part because you didn't want to hear about the dungeon I mean we're in a garage right now

Yeah, what do you see see take them back? Yeah Consentually and no that comes it. I feel like if you try to rob I feel like if I you try to rob me, okay, right then and I capture you, right? That was them we're sensing yeah them consenting. Yeah, that's them consenting into my life Cuz you put a little asterisk next to the gold brick like warning by breaking in your consent. That's what I have to do That's very good. So like yeah, they have thank you little small asterisk, right? I got you if you break into my car, you're gonna get past your pass out, right? And you're gonna end up in a garage slash, you know, I mean sweatshop

Give it slash playroom Yeah, playrooms slash jolly time. All right, you got to have jolly time down there So what are you gonna do with said burglar right here? What what am I doing mocking my nose? No, no, I'm not doing. No I'm sorry. I thought that was a theme of this. That was a Toucan Sam note. What are you doing? What? Just you know what I mean? What is this clown? Yes clown nose Yeah, I mean to the note. I knew but the noise but the noise that sounded it, right? Yeah

That's like yeah, what do you mean? I'm lost Yeah, I feel like you were calling out He called you out for the nose joke and you switched it to a clown. No, no, no, it was very quick It was always there was an asterisk and we didn't see the asterisk. It was I the burglar in this No, dude, if I would do you I would do this Yeah, oh that's yeah, that's you but this is clown. No. Yeah, this is clown. All right. This is you dude All right, it's that for jolly time. It's for jolly time I believe him that he it was I would never do anything nefarious or against the law of course except for

You know capturing I think that's is that against the law. What would you like make him do like play checkers with you? Yes, yes, yes. You like chess. Yeah, we know what's the one even more sad. What's the one with the block jerk you off? Legos just maja him. Just playing Yeah, I don't know the rules. I don't explain to him. I don't want to do that. But um, no, where you throw it you know, Jenga Jenga Jenga Jenga I do Jenga and then if you fuck some a block yourself a gun on his head, but there's nothing in it Yeah, but you trickle just as bang when you shoot it cuz I'm a clown, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's so good You want to join me? Kind of yeah Yeah, yeah, anyway, um

So you your your car got broken into in Sacramento. Yeah, I had a Chick-fil-A. Yeah But I feel like that that's you're that you're on God's turf right there. You're testing yourself are there. Well, it's a sketchy area Yes, oh my god, you know every time I play there. I love the club I love the punch lines and shout out to Molly shout out to Jeff wills and everyone that's associated with the punch lines, but that in Grammy speech I'm kidding I shouldn't open now. I feel like you're you know, I'm Open wrong a Sacramento is where you made love to a grandmother. Yeah

At the Capitol Dad at the Capitol building by buy it. Yeah, what happened there a grandmother? Yeah, do tell her not she's alive So that's a good thing. Yeah, I mean was she like a how old she has a vagina a live vagina That's all my criteria. I really respect you for that. Yeah, she had um, I Thought they were freckles, but they're really liver spots on her breast. Oh, nice. Yeah. Yeah, so, you know, man I'm beautiful freckles. She has this liver spots As long as they're not lesions because those are like a tall tall sign not to do it Oh, no, it was this re how long was this 15 years ago? Oh

Okay, and she's still with us. I have no idea She's probably passed on. Yeah, I mean, thank you for so much. I didn't have sex with her You know me what I said under Just a tit titty slash beef jerky. It was like sucking a bag of wine. Just a fraud Minivan It was in like a SUV. Oh nice and then her grandkids toys were in the backseat Because I remember having to adjust it Anyway, um, and then I didn't and then I called her at two in the morning that night. I was just morning for her. Yeah

Yeah, yeah that night. Oh my god, it's so sweet. They come over you're a man. Yeah, I'm sleeping. Oh All right My bad How did this come about after a show or something? She came up to me. She's a young man Yeah, we're fan. Oh Oh, cool. Shake my hand Which is like how old white people sagging out of her sleeve Yeah, so, you know how old white people love to shake hands. They do they don't they mm-hmm

It's a whole thing. Right. What did did white people in Venice shaking hands? Because I think Asians bow bow. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, right, but do you think white people went? Hello, sir I think so. Yeah. Yeah, wait who who came up with mouth kissing like like French kissing I mean me and my brother Mouth kissing like well, what's like this is in the name France, I don't think French people came up with that French be doing shit Doing shit. What do you mean? What do you mean? Would you do it like doing what doing what French kissing riding mopeds?

All right, all right, you know there's an espresso at people Oh, that's an idea that French people are like more like sexual because when I was younger I was eight years old I remember one of my aunties telling me she's like, you know what you do. I learned this from the French She's like if you want to go attract a man You take the you you scrape your pussy a little bit get a little bit of the white smug And then you put it on your wrists and right here behind your ears And she's like I learned it from the French and you're like, I don't know long division yet You're eight years old. Yeah, my aunties were real horny horny ladies. Oh, well, it's like pheromones, right?

That's a real thing. Yeah, why is it white? Oh because we get you know, okay? It's just discharge. I know oh the distance of the juice charge Well the discharge if it doesn't go anywhere it kind of like gets a little thick on the side What you've never looked at a pussy or my pussy. It's like espresso foam Yeah, cappuccino. Yeah, like I've seen a pussy in your life I have I've never had a foam mine. What? No, no, it's not like Kujo Yeah, but if we if you feel the sides out a little bit There is a little bit of buildup there and that's what you want to use this

Right, so you do that and then um, I just feel like um, if I which if you smell the neck And you had your pussy juice the smell I'd collapse Yeah, I don't know I think just like I would definitely go I would go back for like another like a sniff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it's a new set from lalaba No, I will say day six and this is TMI you might want to cut this out But day six of like my cycle like after my period is done Maybe two three days after when my estrogen is going up the smell of my pussy is intoxicating Like I want to just smell it all day. It is so like it turns me on so I can't I can imagine why I do that with farts

I love smelling my own. Do you like smelling your own farts? Yeah, I think you're one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah But I imagine that's what men are into it's that scent that you know, I even find intoxicating. Yeah Yeah, I do that would come but I do in the ears, but that smells like chlorine. I know I just put it in my eyes And I cry come tears Give yourself red pink eye. I know it hurts, but I'm just saying it seems to work. Anyway, so this old lady You know, I mean we have to go. Is that how she got you should know Fucking I don't think it was I think it was dust. Oh, yeah a powder. Yeah, yeah

Yeah, so um, so she she goes shake my hand. So I shook her hand it in the hand was a note Right Wow, and then the paper was from the Dead Sea Scrolls. It was that old. Yeah Had Morris code on it was written with fuck fuck fuck written with goat blood with white goat blood good But here from the olden days. Yeah. Yeah, and she goes. Here's my number. I think you're hot. There's just three digits Yeah, it's true when you were young my phone number of growing up was eight five five three three. That's it Eight five five three three in LA or in the Philippines. Oh, yeah, the Philippines. There's no nothing now They have like 12 numbers numbers. Yeah eight five five three three. That's it five five three three That sounds like a commercial number cuz I come on down to keys on Van Nuys eight five three three three three five

Wow, but because you had to memorize your phone number when you were a kid, right? Why? Because if you were if you had to call your parents you had to find a phone and be like, I need a loss I need to call my eyes. Yeah, that is true. Yeah, my parents never did that eight five five through five numbers I never knew my phone number never. I think they wanted me to get captured Yeah, I can see that How about your parents your parents give you a number my own cell phone? No your own like memorize the home number Yeah, of course, really. Yeah

And I knew my address That's good. Oh my parents may be say the whitish it answering the phone though, and let's go. All right, so I'm gonna call you Okay. Yeah, all right. Let me see if I got this To the loo no, I would go go. No, okay. Hello Oh Walls residents. This is Trevor speaking. May I ask who's calling? Wow Love that. I had to do the same thing. Yeah, when people wouldn't tell me who's calling the big is your mom there a big bitch

I said may ask who's calling. Let me put you through. Yeah, I can't put you through I don't know this is Glenn. Yeah. Yeah Wow Everybody did that. My dad was really strict about that stuff So if you were a boy calling me and you said hi, it's Kalilah there. He'd be like try again click Oh, good evening. Mr. Girl with the pheromones on her neck Yeah, but you don't say good evening and you have to be really polite may I please speak to Kalilah? Yes Wow, I remember I answered hello one day my dad was like what the fuck was that?

Hello, we practiced this. Yeah, we rehearsed this you know I remember we got an answer machine one of the ant one of the fucking message was my dad going hello Oh, hello, yeah, yeah Wondering who's on the other side of it. I don't know why but his his himself saying hello like three times Did you ever have the voicemail where you'd like fake answer you big hello, and you wait like three seconds big fucking psych? I'm at Taco Bell. I'm not here right now. Yeah, I feel like that's still I had one of those. Oh, yeah, you still have one of those dumb ones like that. Yeah, I Did make you change I did make you change those were good growing up. Did you have the sex lines?

Yes, oh my god the party lines. I would jerk off to them. Yeah, me too. I would have sex line What are those lines so back in the day? There was no internet, right? So in the 80s. They had this thing where you would you're old Pretty well, Bobby. I love you at the party line where you could hit a number and it would go to the next person No, I didn't do the party one mine was purely sexual. Yeah mine was too, but they were but you were yours recordings They're not recording minds were just Recordings and it would charge your phone bill every month. I would get a beating for it. What wait? What are the messages? They if you call it was worth it. Yeah, hi. This is Sabrina. You know what I'm doing right now Did you ever what did you know what she was doing?

Well, no, but because it's a recording. I didn't ask I mean, I think one time I go. No Hello, what was the point where you jerk off to her voice in the night? No, because eventually she goes I'm playing with my pussy right. Oh, she would tell you right in the recording, right? And you would jerk off and and in the month, you know, I mean, what what what is my dad? You know me and I go sex line and then I get beat and I said, I'll never do it again But I would do it again. Of course. It's like being a horny works. You get about eight hours. Yeah, your black guy goes down a little bit And you're like

Yeah, so yours were pre-recorded the ones you would call weren't no And then if you didn't like the person's voice or you weren't vibing you could hit the number hit a number and then it would People that work for the company or just random other people call right random other people. Wow That was the party line for me at the first group chat. Yeah 2000 2001 like other people like chat roulette like it's a random person in the world or people who are hired Oh, it's like no chat roulette. So because I didn't I didn't have a computer in high school So I didn't have aim. I didn't have like instant messenger. Nothing aim was great So I never had the joy of that

So I would just go to the party lines and I would just like masturbate furiously if I found somebody Like late at night to chat with and we would just like have a sex talk sex talk. That's it. Yeah What if it's just like the 90 year old man? I don't care. I just his voice. I yeah, that post-comer grab is probably wild so Trav, um You were seeing you broke up with your girlfriend the one that we were last time you were on, right? Oh, yeah, she broke up with me. Why? Life like well, how did that conversation go though? Oh Yeah, I cried cried hard at a park at night

I had a part dude. I did a spot at the lab factory. It was a great set I had so much fun and she's like you meet me here and we were already on rocky terms and she was living up she was living out at a friend's house for like the last month because we lived together at the time and The spot was running late and I was like, I'll be there at nine and then I I'm like leaving the lab factory I get a text at like nine o'clock sharp. She's like I'm here and I'm like fuck. I get there right as I get there So like this isn't working X Y and Z Wow, there's people walking by balling my eyes out. Oh No

Is that how people are supposed to break up like in person face-to-face? No I you don't think so. I think so. I think so. I don't like confrontation. So I just do it through text Okay, but that was a real Situationship right a situation ship. Can you break up like over text? I don't think there's a writer wrong My friend got broken up with over FaceTime. That feels pretty pretty 2022 version. Yeah, I mean, that's pretty good face What's the worst like a voice memo? Oh like keep just blocker. I've done that before Yeah, but that's just a hookup. No

Yeah, that's serious. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was a situation ship. Yeah, but so and then when you cried, how long did you cry? Wow, I was my first like first love. I got my shit shattered. It's crying on the floor Was it your fault though? I Think though. Yeah, I'd say so Right because you're in you know, here's the deal dude. All right our lifestyles Mm-hmm. You have to get adjusted to it and some people can't I will say she she gave so much She gave me so many chances and I was like very like patient with me through the whole process of like touring and doing all this stuff So we're still in good terms today. Like yeah, we have joint custody of a cat. Oh, that's great. Yeah, yeah, but yeah, it's it's you know

I've you know, I've been on some days. I go you perform every night And once they add once they want to say that you know, it's like oh, it's not gonna work Right already. It's not gonna. I had to really adjust because hit I went a little too far that when we first started dating and I just really wanted to spend time with him And he wouldn't go to bed till 6 7 a.m. So I would stay up with him till 6 7 a.m. So that we would hang out and we would like Gallivant around Koreatown at like 4 a.m. And that's when we like really connected But I knew that I was like this is costly to my mental health. I'm sure but I was so

Desperate to make sure we had time together. We were working like in the mornings at that point or like So when we first met I was Still in nursing school, right? Yep. Yeah. Oh, yeah I was well, but I think like it is also like insane to be like you're doing two shows on a Monday Like take a net off and you're like now. I'm good like it's just like it It's a weird thing to throw on to somebody because other everyone else they've always dated is like They just get off work at five and they're just like ready to just make pancakes. Yeah. I mean in many ways Stand up in our business feels like a relationship as well. No, of course. Yeah. Yeah, because you're investing time in it

It's so important. Mm-hmm. And I don't know if it's an addiction I don't know what it is, but it's like we I just I if I think it is if I'm not doing it I'm feeling I'm let being left out. I feel like I'm not competing. I feel like I'm you know, I mean I like have to be doing something the nights were like we when we were dating and like if she's like, oh, let's take a Let's do a date night Thursday. I'd be like great, but you go better like 10 I just sit in there at 10 knowing people are doing spots and I'm just itching. I'm trying to like fall asleep and bed I'm like, I gotta get up. I gotta edit. I gotta do something like I don't like being still I'm always trying to do something. Mm-hmm. That's what I love about stand-up

It's like the daytime I focus on videos and then a nighttime I'm doing stand-up So I'm always kind of doing something for both but like for me to take a day off. It's I don't I'm just sitting there But this is dumb. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's probably what we struggled with too because if it didn't involve work Travel was not an option for him. Yeah, so it was just like I will do this with you We can go there, but only if I have like dates there that you know, so we would have to Yeah, we're going to Hawaii, but I'm working in Hawaii like on a show or whatever Out there a lot of that yeah, but I but we know we did we went to Hawaii without without That was one of the best ones. That was the one the best ones

We've been to to loom without that and then the Philippines without that That's eventually I put my foot down and I was like look we can't keep doing. Yeah, you do and it is fun But like day three. I'm itching. I'm in to loom being like give me a fucking mic and a goddamn camcorder I know I know what is the hype on to loom every hot girl America's been there Um, it's the Mexican Riviera is gorgeous the beaches are gorgeous, but To loom has gotten so expensive. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they know it They go to the Instagram tag on you just hit to loom that bitches But we had a good time

I mean, but there's no difference between to loom and some of the islands we went on the Philippines There's some spots in Hawaii Riverside is still Hawaii. I love Hawaii. Yeah, yeah, that's like my place where I go when I just like ended tour like just Relax for a little bit out there so much to do out there. Yeah gorgeous, but yeah, so um, but this is a serious a thing But what is serious a thing? What did you say? That's what I the reason why I said that is because that attitude What what you just did you understood me the first time? No, I didn't I thought you said is serious a thing

We've been talking about radio a lot today serious XM So you say you asked me so is serious FM. I think I don't know do you think that I would say that Like 20% yeah, no, not even 20, but give me real What's the evidence for the 25 that he could say that um, you know It's more the fact that you used to call a pre-recorded phone line Where they're playing girls gone wilds commercials on audio. Yeah. Yeah. Yes is serious a thing is Serious a thing. I'm having a fever dream right now. Is it serious your thing? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's going good Why what's wrong what this is great, I don't know what do you mean you feel paranoid? No

No, I I just I feel like you've been very funny today. Oh We've been riffing in a good way, you know, yeah, it's weird, you know, man Yeah, I just I'm loving it. It's the nose talk all some of the nose is getting to me I understand that and I backed away from your nose. I'm just so glad you're here because if it's not your nose It's my yeah, you're number one here. She's oh, yeah, beautiful ethnic nose as well Yeah, I want to get a nose job. I think that's no you can't you can't why because you're gonna look like somebody Say something else that we don't want to see Jennifer. I want to Jennifer Grace. Fucked up her life. Fucked up. Yeah Yeah, a beautiful prominent. Yeah, like a witch

Like a witch like a witch. She had such a cute nose But she was great in that one movie. Can I see it dirty dirty dirty dancing dirty dirty. Yeah, that's a phone number Yeah, but she's still beautiful even with a nose job. Yeah, I think front on I'm a 10 from the side Oh, no, let's 6.7 to me Truth talk. Yeah, right. You're a 10 in my eyes. Thank you, and I'll tell you why Number one right your kip Kip your hip hip. Yeah. Am I not saying you said kip. I know here's let's stop for a second Am I having a stroke? I

Think because I feel like everything I'm saying you guys I said it's your hip and then you guys said kip and then I was like Oh my god, I'm losing my mom. I think you're just speaking pigeon honestly It's crazy. Do you understand why I thought you said serious XM five minutes ago? How is serious right right, but Gilbert am I not making sense right now, and I'm not no you are I could I could decipher But you're just saying the wrong words But I understand you. Okay. All right, so here's the deal you're talking like an SAT question All right, so here here's the deal guys All right, I'm going through something right now, and I'm not privy or aware that I'm going through it

So every time I say something right that doesn't make any sense or the word isn't clear Well, let's do a Hand signal and tell me without even saying a word mine's just gonna be this all right do that Fucking lose. Okay. Do that do that. Yeah, I have to defend you. I think you were trying to say kip Yeah, it's slang for sleep in English terms. Yeah so I'm I'm sleep. Are you sleeping? No You're complimenting me this is great. Let's go back, please ten out of ten

You know um you can tell by the lineups and we're you know because we perform, you know Probably in the best lineups in the LA has to offer. Would you agree or disagree? Yeah, fortunately. Yeah, we have all the big ones perform what we perform and you're always on the lineups, right and There's always a feeling of like oh, this is gonna be a great show cuz Trevor's on it. You think 100% Oh, wow, that's so cool 100% because you're so visible online like ticktocks and And social media and stuff but like every like the couple of dates that I no offense that I've brought to the improv I've said oh my god introduced me or whatever. Yeah, you know, I mean, so I know that um You're gonna be a very big thing. I think

That's so nice. I really do believe it. He's a big thing. No, but like right now is just even It's like I mean, I gotta I mean I'll fucking jerk you you guys are real quick. I I was so excited to come back I don't want it. Well, I'm gonna give it to you because it doesn't feel real cut to a commercial break You guys are great. Okay, go ahead, but there's thank you. Just thanks for having me back and I appreciate being on lineups with you is Wild that's a follow tough follow the energy. It's not even the energy we're on stage. It's just like it's a Experience people are like fucking unzip in their flies and shit. What happened the other night You would something you said something and it got no care response and you're like, okay, puke time You should pull down the pubes. Yeah, it's a goat

Consensually What? Consensually it was well, I mean, it's like what you can if you expose your pubes to like somebody on the boss, which I do Quite often. Yeah. Yeah. Common. Is that great. Is that could I get a ticket for that? Wait, just puke just yeah. Wow. That's a good point. Is there like a puke ticket? Yeah, I think so daily for what if I look at my pubes and that would be a thing Yeah, well, don't yell at it someone. Oh, but can you slide it down and do a wink? I don't think you go to jail for that. I think they'd be like, sir, pull your pants up

I told you this there was a guy on the bus when I first came to America that was like jerking off Like he was across like that's most buses in America. Yeah He was jerking himself off with a book Which I think was the Bible that he was like sliding it this way And then I could just see like the head of his penis right here. He got a fucking cock on that boy That's a massive Bible is pretty long. That's the biggest book I've ever seen anything I would take a leather-backed book and then flip it backwards Backwards yeah, cuz you got the both the flaps are leather. Oh, that's right

A vintage fleshlight right there. Yeah, or or your hand. Yeah, the bus But yeah, he was trying to be discreet. Oh, that's so funny and I could officer to bookmark Yeah, you weren't scared. I was terrified. Yeah, that's scary. That's so scary. How are we at this age? 15 14 14 yeah, I would be so scared if I was a little girl and I saw that oh my god And another time you remember the book or you said it was a Bible is the Bible But then I was on the 188 bus back home It was nine o'clock after eight o'clock after swim practice and

The bus was empty and this guy comes on the bus sits right next to me pulls his pants out and just starts big ass Cock to the biggest cock and he like kind of I was Love taking the bus. They love it. Yeah, what is that about you should have everybody packing? I would Pay two tickets. I Yeah, yeah, you know a little toll thing you gotta lift up just guys cock Don't do that other dudes What like you've never like every girl that I've met has had a story similar to mine where a guy has like no one's ever Show me the vagina or other dudes even never why don't women do the two guys?

Oh, we're just not like heathens. You could know you could fuck. I do it. You could focus on our you can put a lot of Titty hey you and the beanie run around Fuck me up. Did I try? well Maybe in a place where they don't know who you are cuz you could do that Come on up let's switch tone here And I want to talk to you about The movie that you did with Esther. Yes, the movie you're in that too. Have you seen it? No, but I've heard eight people

That have seen it really and they say it's amazing. I'm excited Really, that's like my first first movie role was was this we nervous very so nervous because I'm like in my head I know how I film and everything and I look at the director I'm like so we're gonna break down like paragraph by paragraph He's like now we're gonna do all seven page at once then break it down master. You know why did I do? Yeah, and I was like, yeah, but guys like wouldn't it make sense to go chunk by chunk and then do the big one Yeah, I like that better in my director though, right, right, and that's why I had to be like Oh, I thought we were doing good good

Wait was this a situation where you only had memorized one chunk cuz you thought you're gonna do the next jungle next I hadn't memorized shit nothing I like Here's here's the interesting part about my lines It was all Nick Goosen directed and he works with Nick Schwartz and a lot and he did the sketch years ago About Nick where he's just talking about like weed where everything he says like yo weed is all weed So he was like I want you to do this role, but put your own spin on so all the words that I was saying was about weed or being like Smoke weed all day. Everything was just about weed. Yeah, and I forgot which weed reference was what?

Normally another acting responding to people so you can understand where you're supposed to go with that I think I don't know what your creative processes or writing process But for me, I didn't know like like I didn't have any cues I was just supposed to interject. So I knew my lines, but I was like, where do I say this in there? Yeah, then you shoot it like 50 times and then I was like, well, no, I got it But I've never been on a shoot like his really why early? What was the difference shoots so much so many pages like so many takes Oh, I mean he wants to perfect the way he wants it Yeah, and you know when you're doing that that process is kind of like, you know, you get what he's doing

But I guess it worked because I mean apparently the movie is great, you know and he He has all the things he wants on it and it was role you played in it I played a guy worked at a vape show. I played a pretty I played a pharmacist. Oh nice. I play Esther's boss Okay. Yeah, and We like mean were you hot? No, I was like, no, I'm like You know, you know the moob role was very straight. I played like a fatherly figure. Oh, you know I don't know if you should be able to do that because you know Do you like girls? I mean it was it wasn't a funny, you know, like everyone else got to be funny

Right, and I was just more like straight. So it was difficult for me. You're just you. Well, not even you know That was no because I'm like, yeah, I'm like not that's not who I yeah normal you but I but I understand what it is Like just be normal, but I don't know, you know, I mean, I've never been normal in my life Mm-hmm, you know, I mean I've like when I was 14 I was at this woman girl's funeral this girl down the street killed killed herself and during the Wake we're at a church and the mom was crying and I pulled my penis out In front of my friends to make them laugh Right, I'm not to the mom. No, no, no, no, no, no. I hear your mind

He said the mom was crying and I pulled my penis out. No, there was a lot of people there. That's why she was crying No, but like I did that just to make my friends laugh and my friends one of them laugh But the other friends like what's wrong with you? And I go I remember going I don't know That's the opening of a movie right there. I feel like right. I don't know what's wrong with me Like why do I do that? Like why in every social situation? Do I not know how to do things and? React and be normal Are you like you're normal to you what you I'm not but what is that not good?

No, that is because what think about it Not everyone's gonna love what you do, but you pulled your dick out one guy was like nice You look at what is wrong with you? So the guy that you impressed by that you added some humor to his life You did help out. Oh, I killed it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean that would crush. Yeah. Yeah success and a failure Yeah, I think I think you did was normal to you at that time, but it's not if you look back No one would do that wait if there's anybody know that would do that be you 14, right? But I've definitely like seen your dick at like a waffle house before like yeah, yeah, that's not normal Waffle house. Well, maybe in waffle house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's fine. I mean like what are when does a nudist?

Realize that they're a nudist cuz I really think you're a nudist I think your father was and I think you are my father was he just walk around naked. He would beat us with naked The toilet paper coming out is but yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like a Korean kite. Yeah, yeah My dad used to be naked and he did that in front of our friends hard. What no, okay? It was shameful penis. Oh, you know me it was like, you know, like was he in the middle of something? Like look busy or he's about to shower. No, I got his he looked like he had a pussy Because his bush was so big that it just was like, you know how like in nom? No, I know

Vietnam, right? Why did the fucking Vietnamese when you couldn't see them because they were in the bush That's what my dad's dick was doing. Wow. Yeah, I mean just sitting there's a misconception about Asians Asians have to me from what I've noticed in my 38 years of experience have the Thickest bushes down there denser. Why do you think it is? Because the pubes aren't curly as curly We it sticks out. No, it's curly. It's not as curly though. Mine's fully sticks out. Look at my armpit Is your arms are straight? Yeah, my arms are straight. Oh shit What? Your armpits curly, right? No, it's straight. Yeah. Oh shit, baby. I'm wrong. It's curly, dude

Yeah, it is. I think you have a thick bush. I have a very thick bush. Yeah, the Asians of Yours is curly. It's thick, right? Is it grown now? Yeah, can I see some bush? Yeah, sorry. I'll show you right now Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, it's a big bush. Yeah, but that's a big bush Okay, what do you consider it? It's wavy. It's wavy. It's beach wave. I would say it's like a part. It's a perm No, like haul the notes their hair. Okay. You know what I mean? Is it haul? Is it haul the one with the dark hair with the curly hair or oats? Uh, is it Daryl? Is this name? Daryl Oats? John Hall? Yeah, I think John Hall Daryl. Oh, yeah, that's the guy guy

That's what that is. That's what that is. I wish I looked like that. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good look. Well, also, I think that it is not that they have Asians have more hair is because the hair is very black So when you have like blonde hair, maybe it's not as like visible. Right. Yeah. Anyway, my dad would be naked Right and my brother like one time, you know, my brother had a friend over And my dad went into his room completely naked Oh, yeah, and took a keyboard and smashed it across my dad brother's head in his body And David Oliver the kid. Yeah, right. Who's like this nice Jewish kid up the street. Yeah, never seen number one

Anyone naked nonetheless like that my dad. Yeah, Korean dude, right? And as he turned around my brother's crying Right, David's PTSD, right? But as my dad turns around, he gives them a chuckle because there's a string of toilet paper coming out of his asshole And it made them laugh Right, so that's that on purpose. I don't know. He has my mom later told me when she he died His butt your daddy whole Yeah, the butthole mom Yeah, the butthole

So wet I go what Airways were so wet every day. Everything is moist where he don't know what to do. He goes to the doctor They say it's too wet. We don't know what to do. So daddy He took toilet paper stick up the air all day long. That's what you do now I do do how do you say that? How do you wipe like a musket? You just jam it in there? My buttholes wet too. Is it but that's like very like wholesome. It's like passed down from generation to generation And when I leave this podcast today, I want you to walk in front of me

And I hope there's a little bit of charm and just sticking out of those sweats. No, I I put powder now. You powder it Yeah, baby powder. I don't care. I'd rather have I'd rather have cancer bot than a toilet paper roll. No, do not say that Why also you're making cake batter if your ass is moist and you're putting powder You think it stays powder. No, it becomes cake batter. Oh, that's what that is flower I thought that was the fucking but what do you use? Have you ever know? Oh, that what do you know what gold bond is? I love gold back in the day. Yeah, me and my friends at jew camp We were not like that kind a lot of meaning. What do you mean? Not the german one

But we were too you're too young for the german one. Correct. Did you feel guilty killing insects insects? Yeah, I think so Yeah, did you ever I saved the bugs live today? I felt like that was pretty I don't know but my mom always does a show like take a spider and put it outside Yeah, I don't kill them either. I hate cockroaches, but I will not kill a cockroach really odd fucking you never put salt on snails I did that and I feel fucked up about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah one time I cut my cat's whiskers as a child too And I think that's not good. No, it's terrible. That's how they feel. That's how they feel not exactly hair It's an extension of their nerves. Yeah, I felt really bad about that later on Yeah, my dad was like why the fuck would you and then he showed me his dick was a whole thing?

And then um the micro flying glass. Oh and like burn shit you burn ants Yes, I used to play god. I used to do that with dog ticks. They're really juicy gray ones and their blood would explode With oh, yeah, that's the only insect I would kill is the ticks. Okay You said you were you'd play god Did you elaborate like you just see a bunch of ants and you're like not today motherfuckers No, I would grab the right and I wear my a white robe. Okay, you know what I mean? And I I go to the fucking store and get a beard Get them, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, and I go to an ant mound

right I am here And the ants would be squirreling some are still carrying shit right? Oh, yeah, dude. I mean we got a bread My wrath is upon you. Right start burning them. Yeah, and they're like What? No, you know what I mean? We've worshiped you. That's in my head. You know what I mean? Yeah Not enough and I And I would just fucking burn everyone in a line. You're gonna regret this. Why you see a close-up picture of an ant

Why they got a bunch of are they like cute animals? No, they're gonna come for you one day. They're gonna seek revenge And this is the face you're gonna see I feel like this is like 30 inches carrying Bobby Lee down Sunset Boulevard Yeah, wait, is there a face fucked up the black one right now. Can I go to the bathroom real quick? How does yeah, go to the grill? That's really quick. Here we go. No, he'll do it when he comes back pee first Your panic your panic of topics goes from Butthole Pete is to And in my mind like Sundays are next

Like Sundays. Yeah, like you like Sundays. I might do that I'll do Sunday. Give me another one. Sundays. Let's do another arbitrary one. I'm gonna try to bring up Yeah, doctor once told me a small pee hole and that's why it takes me a while to pee But he said you can also do a surgery and you can pee quicker But it's like 10 grand. That's insane. I dilate your pee hole. Do they like make it bigger? I I don't I don't I've never looked at my pee hole and had an opinion about it I didn't either until I think my dad told me like you pee for a long time I didn't know what to do with the information. I still don't yeah

But like it's always a topic of conversation like anytime I was like or with a girl She'd be like you're still paying like what am I supposed to do here? Yeah, I pee for a long time, but that doesn't necessarily mean the pee hole is so much cock has got to go through for you That was a compliment. Thank you so much But maybe you're right. Maybe I have a very small pee hole We can compare No, I don't want to see it. Okay. Yeah, your pee hole looks normal to me. Thank you. That's what I thought too Let's see the face. Okay. This is a face of an aunt

Close up. Oh What the fuck that's real. There's no way that's real. No way that's real. That's zoomed up completely all the way Dude, that's an aunt's face. That's not real That is the scare. Oh, so I saw on a billboard on La Cienega. That's fake You're killing them. I'm coming for you. No, can I just say some of the aunt people or the aunts? Let me see That's like smiling This is a public apology to them. Yeah, I'm doing a apology. Let me see aunts. Okay back when I grew up in the 70s We didn't have this technology to see your faces

Right. Yeah, you're just like a moving little dot to me But I feel like if you're a kid, you'd want to hurt him even more. So I do you're right. They look evil They're terrifying. They're terrifying Are you sure? Yeah, that's it. That's the only photo they have. What are they? What are the sources here? Yeah, CNN. Give me another one. Give me another face. I feel like that was an angle that that was docked up Give me another fucking face. There we go again. It's the same photo. Yeah, not a different photo. Fuck Yeah, let's go Okay. Oh, well that one's pretty bad

Yeah, that one's crazy. You're right. They are incredible. I mean, that's the face as the actual face pulled off Wow Look at them Yeah, they don't fuck around with it. The blue one's so goofy looking. Look at the blue one. Little cross-eyed like me. Yeah It's like seeing a buff guy who's like five three, you know Yeah, you know, like sure it's terrifying. But what are you gonna do? Yeah That's incredible Anyway, okay. So what I wanted to tell you since we're talking about insects is that

um If your coffee is made up from pre-ground beans, there's a pretty good chance you're drinking ground up cockroaches and the reason that they know this is because um entomologists who work with cockroaches who develop allergies to cockroaches are also also develop an allergic reaction to pre-ground coffee So I know you used to ground when you were when you hated Um customers at the coffee shop used to work at as a barista. Then you say you used to ground up cockroaches You

Would do that, but you are not the only one apparently I'm not the only one baby If you didn't like somebody if they had an attitude you'd find a cockroach and you'd throw it in there And then serve it to them that one like four Do we and they they had no idea no because it's the same color But then it turns out Yeah, I mean if you're all drinking ground cockroaches if it's pre-ground coffee beans, there's a good chance We're drinking cockroaches. How many bugs are in a fig newton?

Is there a lot bugs and fig newtons millions really? Oh, yeah Millions of bugs and fig newtons. What percentage of fig newton the nougat? What that sounded fucking racist The way I said it That was a hard tea dude. I was kidding. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. God damn nougat Well Didn't have to do that Anyway, when when did you work at a coffee shop a long time ago? If people were being annoying to you

Would you give him decaf to fuck with him? No cockroach. Like decaf's not enough But decaf's funny because like here's some ceo who needs his whole life Yeah, I'm trying to get you know get off coke because he's having an affair with his wife And then you're you know, he needs that energy. That's his fix. Then you're like here's decaf. That's like a slow Because he's sitting there. I don't feel anything and also not that he's not only not feeling anything He's like is something wrong with me. I might oh wow because I feel really fatigued today. I'm coming down with something That's true. When I waited tables at a breakfast place. I would make sure my thumb was inside the omelet I'm not kidding you. I would stick my thumb in the omelet and I would ever drop it off

There was always to be the indentation in the omelet. Yeah. Yeah, because I hate it so much What probably felt a little good on the thumb though. It did but my cold ship in the morning already my fingers are man You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, someone bought out the panic in and it's not there anymore Don't say that. I swear to god. I was the place who works out. Yeah, don't say that Yeah, it would got bought out by but the place is also the tj max bought it the panic in I don't think what What was it a panic in The panic in was a chain of coffee shops. Do you have the stat?

Uh, people just say there's at least one dead wasp and a fig and then a lot of fig Newton probably have like three figs Worth depending eating bees a wasp a wasp. They do kind of have that gritty taste. Yeah. Yeah You know it's seeds, but it doesn't taste like it all the time. Yeah, are there in just can you google? Just real quick insects in foods. Oh, what the fuck the fuck Yeah, so my asshole for the figs to survive they need these bugs. Yeah bugs die in the figs and they get incorporated into the fruit Oh, there's no system of cleaning out the bugs before they do that. That's how lazy. They don't take that extra step Fuck no. Yeah. I mean, it's who cares. I mean we eat like crickets and stuff Last time you had a fig Newton

Said crap Guys is better than fig newt money. Yeah. Yeah, I've had them before though. Of course. Yeah, I probably have had In my lifetime. I probably had 14,000 fig newtons That's really he do What time I'm 51. Yeah, do the math. I've had 14,000 fig newtons. Would you say every year you've been divided by 51? What is that per every year? I probably have a thousand fig newtons You know that's I mean, I feel like you eat a six a day. It is three a day. Would you go to snack?

I feel used to like the twix yogurts Those are so good. Those are so good. Oh my oh you want to know about snacks, maybe? Yeah. Yeah, okay so what I do is I like the What what are those the the thins from the? Ritz crackers, but they have the thins Oh, wait, wait, what why buy them for you? Oh, no, okay. They are the crisps They are crisp and thins, right? Crisp and thin dude go to fucking Vaughn's today or Ralph's Go to the fucking chip aisle get

Crisp and thin it's the risk Oh, I have seen these the crisps not the totes of chips and get the sour cream and onion Yeah, get the crisp chips on the sour cream and onion You know, it's unreal. You'll never stop the cheez-its the extra baked cheez-its. Those are fucking unreal. Are they good? Trader Joe's mini cheez-its Oh, those are so those are the those are fucking amazing. I'll fuck one up now You know, and I don't care how many bugs are in there. I'll you know I don't care. Yeah Great goldfish

There was the panic in see if the panic is good. Yeah, because it's gonna break my heart Because it's been there for 40 years that thing It's like this old crickety house. It's right across from the the La Jolla comedy store Okay, it's not a chain or it is. There was like six of them in San Diego. That's okay, right? Did you ever go to the La Jolla comedy store? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you never went there It's been years, but I haven't like done like a headline thing there. I've been there. What? Oh permanently closed Look new cafe heads. Oh, no

It got bought out by Dunkin Donuts No, look no No, it didn't Dude, you got him scared. You got me scared. Why don't you like make a set somewhere and like open one Record a podcast out of there or something? Well, they're expensive Coffee shops. Yeah. Yeah, but not this day and age. You can I also don't know how to do it I don't know who to call the colombia. Yeah, but then they're gonna think no for the beans. Wait, colombia. We need beans

Wait, wait, mr. Coffee cockroach guy is not going to spearhead a new coffee venture. Who me? Yeah But it's let's say you one and I you and I us three Kalyla, trevor and bobby. We go. All right. We got some money. Let's start a coffee shop Do you call south of america? I don't think you know how numbers work. You just call on a map call south america. Call south america. Hello No, no, I'm not dumb. Wait, who I'm not dumb. I would go to south america and go to the coffee guy. Yeah The bean guy. Yeah, there's definitely people but you would research you would go Where does like starbucks get their roasts, right? Yeah, I don't think they get there's from like good places though starbucks

No, we would do we would go organic. Of course, right fair trade fair trade. There you go We do fair trade we go all over the country world and see what the best beans are And they would cultivate it. We would roast them, right? So how much does that cost? I don't know. It seems like a couple hundred thousand dollars To do that can't be cheap, right? Then we got to have fucking buns I heard opening a restaurant's like the lowest return of your money, right? What we could do is we could take in in hawaii Um, my friends have a coffee shop there. It's called ali e coffee. It's pretty good. The best coffee. They have it on tap They have cocktails. Yeah, my friend, um, lin runs the place ester lin serve my wedding

If we you can get that an open one here And then we put out the money for that that would work because what they have there is so unique and so delicious That would work. But you know what you and I would do to it. What's that? We'd build a stage Oh, yeah, it's a great spot little open mic. Not even open mic. I would probably do a 150 seat. Oh, it'd be fun. Like during the day. It's like that one in uh, Lestats San Diego. Yeah, Dustin you surround it That was it was a coffee shop up front, but there's a stage in the back held like 100 and it was insane

Just so you guys know so a starbucks franchise fees about three hundred and fifteen thousand dollars And you okay, uh, so you guys if you did your own probably like a hundred fifty Oh, 150k. What is that? What's the 700,000 to qualify liquid assets liquid assets? So you got to have like 700k see in the bank. We're okay Between the three of us you guys are good, especially trevor. I don't have it like that. No, we don't get it We we split it three ways. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, well you got nervous. You got nervous. It's all on you 20 20 60. Yep. Yep, exactly I would do 50 percent 25 25. What would you call it coffee shop right now? What would you call it?

I kind of like bobs bakery No No, I don't like it partner to shut you down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um Or like a one-name thing I think bobs is very strong bobs. Anything is strong bobs can be strong good search engine my optimization I think it's sort of stroke We bobs Bob's hot shop lees beans chuckle knuckle. I'm trying to think of anything bobs beans bobs beans a little sexual

Yeah, I don't want beans or any coffee references in it. Oh, I mean you like bobby's bobby something about a pun in a coffee shop I won't go there. Oh, so can I ask you to say also this right? It's got to be 24 hours Yes has to be there's no probably shop in 24 hours. Yeah, but that feels grimy though Yeah, like the same guy that's jerking off with no homeless. No, where do you think he's going? No, no You know, you know, it covers right covers right because I think there's a toms in korea town that opens really really late And it has that vibe it's sketchy. No, no, we would out security guard That's even sketchier, but every okay, so but not but not in the suit So a homeless man walks up and he goes, please. I see some warm water. It's 14 degrees outside

We'll have a trough outside Like for horses And then you know, we have those those we have those cones You know those cone cups like marathon runners drink out of So a cone cup a trough like horses, right the trough is crazy. What do I what no they don't get in overnight oats or just water Water okay, right, right. Yeah, it's got to live Okay, this is your concept too. Well Right and we have I'll do the social media side. We have a security guard there. He's not in a security guard outfit though

Okay, he's dressed like um John wick. Yeah, so he is so he's scary Okay, then he becomes like sort of like the the lucky boy the old rude guy at lucky boy where everyone knows who he is Oh, that's a john wick security guard with bobsby. Yeah, like a purple turtleneck a black suit Glasses, right? Yeah, and we put fake guns in They're plastic, but so they're bulging through the jacket. Yeah, right and then inside will be like a hotel That would be in the john wick movies. Mm-hmm. That I went high. So you wanted john wick themed coffee shop. Yeah Matrix too. What do you do with the home?

Leo like a neo. All right, the home. I go the homeless guy goes. I have seven dollars. I just want a latte. Is that okay? Then we you know what I'll take on gower. Check it out on gower and sunset, right at 10 o'clock that starbucks closes at 10 But they close their doors at six Interesting, you know why they have a little window Right, so we have a window for homeless take out with that. Mm, right and then we have you can come in if you're regular Or we can have this how about this? Mm-hmm. No, how about this? What what why'd you laugh at that the word regular is uh, not a great opinion on that or trough? Oh people with home Yeah, yeah, what do you call the home full homeless home full?

Yeah, so yeah, so we'll go. Yeah, home fools right can come in homeless stay outside. Okay Where's a happy middle ground? They can wait in like the lobby like I have a studio apartment like get the fuck outside That's still a home though. That's still a home. Let's be real. Well, there's this Um, you're renting in this place in Hawaii. There's like a manapua place. It's like they have really really good Food there, but between three to five p.m. They close their doors just to feed the homeless So they're very like, yeah, so I was like, oh, that's actually really cool I'm sure a lot of people still roll up thinking and you know what I mean? Oh, I can get free food here even if they're not homeless, but those are their

I'll be pissed if they served me at like four p.m. I just thought I was homeless. Yeah, so you can't do like they did in the 50s Where was it a black and white drinking fountain? Yeah, no, you can't do that with homeless people I don't think you can why can't you though? Let's try it This coffee shop is getting kind of all right here a little bit. It's not all right. It's all left We're getting for free You get coffee for free. He's good. He's switching it up. No, not switching it up The water is purified water in the trough. Is that horse water?

Is it bread or is good? Can we do cups? It's fiji. Oh, there we go. It's not even from the faucet. I pour fresh fiji water in there Or do we like put tap water in a fiji bottle them pour it out? That's what we do. Yeah Yeah, but it doesn't matter. They think it's fiji and then you're gonna offer feeding bags next No, no, it's not feeding bags. Maybe I mean, what's a feeding bag? Just freeze big nukes on the side. Right. So here's the deal The thing you just envision this envision this. I got it. I got it and this is gonna be cool with everybody

All right, listen to me. All right. I just had a fucking an awakening. Let's go. All right. I love it All right, you're going to the john wick coffee shop slash neo slash constanty. That's a feeding bag Yeah, yeah, that's perfect You know, and we'll put all kinds of stuff in there muffins You know what I mean? We'll put fucking, you know, what else we put? What's that candy rock? Can't the what sizzles your mouth pop rocks pop rocks. Uh-huh pop rocks. Yeah, but foaming out the mouth. Yeah Pop rocks are fun. Of course. Yeah. Anyway, um, so we have two line Doors, right? We have we'll put an h

Right. And what is that h there for? Uh-huh? We don't know Hey Or homeless just says house question mark And they just know right so because there's no doorman than that one, right and you can come in But how do you get free to bring a lease? What you got to bring a lease? How do you prove it by the close? Yeah, but let's be real bob you make a lot of money and smells We both look homeless 90 percent of the time exactly

So I I have no shame of going to my own coffee shop and going I know this looks homeless, but this is like look at google this right these are golden good You don't have a house google this It looks homeless 650 golden goose Right, and they'll google it. We'll have you know me free wi-fi for the guy and they're like no He'll go all right, and you'll get me. Yeah, but a homeless man's gonna walk up with any guana and be like this is Versace Let me in you're like it feels wrong and um, we're not doing it. We're not doing the coffee shop. No, we're not doing it

Yeah, you're right. I can't do it. I'm so sorry I have empathy for them. I'm sure trying to help Yeah, I'm not being mean. You're just brainstorming. So how often do you guys record the podcast here? Why? I'm just curious One between one and three times a week. Yeah, so what about those other four times as other four days? What if we turn this into an open coffee shop for the homeless bobby? The garage door opens up It opens up what happens they hang out. Okay, they hang out and what happens

Nothing, but what do I get out of it that you're so I know I feel great I'll feel great and I'll know that I leave there's gonna be a lot of semen and a lot of corners and crevices But you did something good that day or I could do this as like me. You're right Yeah, I could do it as like my I could try my jokes on on them Yeah, an unbiased crowd. Yeah, right that is true. Yeah. Yeah all your recording gear would be stolen for sure Yeah, it could work out. I will say have you ever performed at like a you like sundays? I love them I like the caramel better than the chocolate. I'd say oh not the day but the food What are we talking?

Food or the day the day after saturday? Yeah, it could be better. Yeah, me too Something has real stepdad energy. You feel like you got to see your family. Yeah, you know But what is different? You know, there's days the best. I'm talking about the ice cream Um, well, let me ask you something. I'm talking about the ice cream. Let me ask you something. All right I'm being real right number one. Why do they call it sundays? Number two, what defines a sundae? Is it the sauce? I'd say so

I think the way it's plated or presented to you. It's like a traditional sundae comes in like a There's got to be a sauce a sauce though and nuts. Yeah. Oh nuts. I think is a bit about a banana split The first guy who invented that should be on a watch list. That's some fruit. No split a banana down the middle Put some ice cream on it. Yeah, okay. Have you had one? Why don't you take a seat right here? I'm chris hansen It's one of the greatest. Is it good a banana split is one of the greatest. It does sound good on in on on earth It's fucking amazing. I've never had it. Oh, you should have it. I just see it It's a little and when you share I you know when i'm sharing a banana split with somebody else I have to already anyway when I split a

Of a banana split with somebody I always claim my half of the banana Do you go one side or down the middle? Does that make sense? No, they split it down And they split a banana in half and they're on each side. You're right. Okay You're right And the thing is is that you have to claim the banana because there are some selfish fox Will eat one and a half banana and it fucking infuriates me. That's a lot of It's just so you're eating half of mine. Yeah, so in the beginning you have to claim it

Go this is my banana, and this is your banana. Is there a cherry in it, too? There are cherries Thank you for my friend peanuts two right three depends. I air because there's three That's what it is three see three. Can we post maze one of these these look delicious wait There's pineapple in a pineapple seems like if you want to warm a fruit choice your fruit choice No, but that's the actual ice cream. Oh, you're not putting a fucking whole peanut pineapple in it. Wait, I think it oh No, that's the flavor. It's a flavor. So what's your perfect one right there Bobby if you would make that? So I you you got to have um well the standard is vanilla chocolate and strawberry, right? I don't know who what fool put a pineapple in there. I've never had seen that before

What a fool that was paid off. Yeah. Yeah, is that from fucking Hawaii or something? I don't know anyway Um traditional one for us. There we go. I'm doing on it. It's kind of busty. No, that's good. That's a classic That's a classic. That's a classic crush nuts Right, but no nuts. You know, I take it back. It looks really good. It's so I might go get one after this Are you being real? I'm serious. Do you want to go get one? But you know what? But where did you can only go to 31 flavors? Well, if you could if you go to fucking um This fancy one salt and straw. Oh, yeah, but they don't have banana splits They don't have an ass with their patty melts like the sandwich. Yeah, I think it's a very specific. It's like a panini with a burger

Yeah, but onions, but yeah, have you had castells panty patty melts? I had a smash burger the other day I don't know the fuck someone all of that, but it's great delicious. I don't know what the difference They just beat the shit out of me. That's a patty melts so good regular bread rye bread. Sometimes what I hate them That's great. Have you ever seen me? Yes? Where so many a kiss out? I've seen you I get a hamburger not a patty melt. Oh, sweetie. I think you're lying. No, I think you're lying And you're only doing it for the fucking program. I refuse to eat that. I Saw you scarf it down and I like the smash burgers. They're so good. The faces look like Filipino faces Smashed out gonna come for us. I'm so sorry. Have you been to what is that place in Silver Lake burgers never die?

No, I've heard of it though, but good smash burgers. Oh, yeah, somebody where'd you go? Oh, where did I have it to get the smashy? Oh, I don't mean it was somebody on post mates. Just had it I figure what's called. What do you mean? We ordered after recording the other just random. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, they're like smash burgers and the fucking high love of it. What? Hi, hello. Hi. Oh, hi. Oh, they do it there. I do like hi low though. Hi. Lo is usually a collab thing. Yeah, hi. Oh, I Don't think I can say that, you know shit, you know sugarfish. I do they own they they opened a hamburger place called hi Ho. Oh shit. It's a hi-ho or a he-ho. It's hi-ho. Hi-ho. Yeah, but you want to go with me? We get a banana. So you want to go you really want to go to hi-ho tonight? Sure after this. I'm down. I'll go

You dropped me back here though. Yeah. All right We'll go. Yeah, it looks fantastic. Look at that. Oh, that's a smash burger. Yeah, but it's it's their version Have you been there John? Oh wait, I think I went to one of these in Maria del Rey Oh There's also for the win that's a that one in a war now I oh really for that American beauty the window that was in Venice. I that was that was really good I don't want to drive forever. I just know where this is You guys gonna Google Shakespeare on the patty or whatever. What's that?

The Paddy's the name of the coffee shop. Let's be on. All right. Check Shakespeare in the Paddy's here in the Paddy Yeah, but my point. Yeah, yeah classic one right here. What's it called? Burgers never say die. Oh, yeah, that looks I want to have one. Oh, oh my that burger looks like it's on a car accident That's insane. That's in Silver Lake Redgill. Yeah, we're not gonna go over there. Yeah, that's really yeah That's a good. What is it? It's just crisp on the sides and shit. Yeah, do you go to Monty's I've been there once I didn't know his plant base. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's okay if I fucked with plants heavier I think I would have been like yeah, but I think about it. Yeah. Yeah, what can't Phoenix eat sir? Oh, yeah, because he's vegan. He's vegan. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, never seen him there though

Is that what the only reason you go there? Yeah, I want I just waiting just have your head shots next to your burger I swear to God, you know what I would do next to walking in Phoenix. So I wouldn't say a word really would you wait for him? He said I'll be right He would never do that. You know, he said at the booth, right? Because I'm afraid I'm gonna stare at his lip thing The hottest part about I know but I just I think my my It's like awesome powers with the mole. Yeah, my focus would be on the lip thing Mm-hmm, so I would just eat concentrate on the burger

Who's the most famous person that's ever recognized you and what did you have to say after that? It's gonna be like, oh Bobby Lee and you're like, what's your name? We recognized me. Well, like I'm saying like like you're working on a set and somebody was like, oh, hey, Bobby Lee love yourself Were you surprised by that like who that they knew why the one story about Jamie Lee Curtis was the only one really really Well, she wrote a letter and saying can you meet me downstairs? I don't know you but I want to have lunch with you we didn't move you together and That was the only one but I don't know who you met for Sacramento

No No, no because if Jamie was single I Probably go all the way. Oh, she's a nice lady ages like fine wine. Yeah, like I would probably have sex with Judy Dench I don't know who that is, but the name Judy has a taste to it. Oh and from judge Judy has an ass I'll say that Judy Judy has an that's Judy. That's an M, bro. Oh Bro, it's M man Yeah, I see your heads up. Yeah. Yeah Helen Marin's real Helen. Would you do Helen? I don't know who these people are I don't know like movies are. Yeah. Yeah. God. She's a hottie. What was her name? Helen Mary on Helen Marin

She's beautiful. Oh, yeah, you know, you know what, you know, Jessica Tandy to get all Jessica Tandy is my favorite one I would marry her right now Fonda good. Go Jessica Tandy first. Oh, I know the names Jane Fonda Jessica Tandy. Yeah, Jessica Rabbit Yeah, she's beautiful Jessica Tanda right there. Yeah, Jane Fonda. She's what in her 80s Jane Fonda and she is just stunning Yeah, she how old what's what's your limit? She look at 85. That's 85. That's crazy Wow. Yeah, that's with that's 19 pounds of makeup on the face. No, no, no, but still the fact that her face is still even up It's crazy. Oh, that's true. I mean still a face. That's cool. Yeah, that's a good look. Yeah What's your limit you think of age? Yeah, just really cool. I typed in 85 year old woman. Yeah, that's who this is

Jane Fonda's like group competition. Oh, so yeah Yeah, that's what she's above. Yeah above and beyond that is not. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean, it's like That one in the right there, right? No, the one up Yeah, that one that you're pointing the thing on. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, yes, you you would oh, oh, yes That looks like it's in my family tree. He likes his I know I know but I would have to figure it out What part would you have to figure out? We're at a park? No, I'd have to figure out what I have to be on. Oh

You couldn't do it sober. No, I didn't say that just curious but like jacked up on Viagra. Probably right, right? I'd have to look at some porn. Mm-hmm, right. Mm-hmm, and then I would have to say something not rude, but like Don't look at me or something That's good to her. Yeah get naked, but don't look I I won't look to seductive though. We're both old. We I know we do the I like sleep masks sleep mask. Yeah. Yeah, so both not look run into each other. What? That's part of the game. Yeah, well, she probably has cataracts Right and then I think on top it would feel normal

I think was you were in if you grab the ass shakes a spread them like this I think so, right and you it's never like feeling the outside texture of the skin Mm-hmm and feeling the wrinkles if you just grabbed it like dough just for the muscles Yeah, yeah, and you just you know me. You just had a grip of it, right? And you just go real fast I think you'll be able to do it. Oh, yeah, I have faith in you. Thank you Oh, look, could you do any of these 80? Yeah, yeah, over a year. Oh, here we go. Yes, Robert Redford still really Morgan Freeman, I just want Morgan Freeman. That's not some other parts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Oh, really? Of course, George. What's that? George? Oh, that's

I literally thought I literally thought that was a CGI like alien AI It's as photo better the new character in for adult Whitney's house, you know, yeah, yeah, what's this one? He's dead. Yeah, he died Yes, Alan Alda all the way, sweetie. I was a mash He would to judge it, you know, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah, they got comes and yells good morrow. Yeah Well, who's that James Earl Jones? He's still alive. Lion King, man. That voice Kalila. Oh, oh, that was good. Oh, pretty good Yeah, but I would have oh Michael and these guys what I would have sex with Helen Mirren before and Jane Fonda

This is dangerous one. This is Clint Eastwood. Oh, yeah, yeah Oriental Yeah, yeah, yeah Ed Asner, but you guys dinner with Ed Asner And I shared a oh, yeah dinner with him. Oh, you know what? He didn't want to share his beef stroganoff with you only me I know because remember he offered it to me and Bobby tried to put his fork in Go back to Ed Asner. He died, but we had dinner with him one night that guy

You ever see the movie up? Yeah. Yeah, he's the old man in it. Oh the voice So why didn't he want to show you stroganoff with you? He was just very grouchy Hmm, I'm not sharing this with you and then she goes can I have some you're like sure? And I was like you fucking old piece of shit. I'll fucking kill you now, and obviously Kalila Edelweid. I love Christopher Plummer He's the best. Yeah, yeah, look at his eyes. Oh Chinese You heard it here first Christopher Plummer's Chinese dude. It's like he had so much work done. He looks Chinese now I think that's how it works for everybody. Oh, yeah, and then when women get like Botox done

They all look like Benedict Cumberpatch when they get the fillers. Yeah. Yeah. It's like they look like modern houses Yeah, I don't like it features. Yeah. Yeah, like I'm into that. Would you ever get Botox on your face? Sure Yeah, I do anything. I'd fucking give her to this nose. I get a bigger cock. I don't really care. All right, me too I get you know. Yeah. Yeah, when do you think I need it though? When or why are you scrubbing your rubbing your one hour? No, don't put it near me Bobby. It smells good pheromones do it put on your neck Um No, because here's what happens when I'm wearing these kind of pants the sack

Gets glued to the thigh and when I separate it, you know how it spreads like a batwing. Mm-hmm. I don't like that. I Need to peel it Okay, I'm not in it. Oh, yeah Because you know as you get older your sex become you know the skin becomes Um loose. Yeah, because when my dad was when I had to take care of my dad at the end of his life My dad was really old. He was in his late 70s almost 80 And one thing I had to be careful about is for him not to when I would reposition him Like sat up that I wouldn't let him sit on his own nuts

But occasionally he'd be like I'm sitting on my balls and I'm like, oh, sorry Papa and then I'd move him but it does get loose and You will sit on them one day. Are you dad? Is your dad still with us? My dad is still here. Yeah. Is your mom and dad still together? Yeah Wow, what a wholesome life you live literally. Are you being real? They are still together They're very much in love but like also like you hear him talk for like five minutes. I'm like, I don't think they like each other They do they love each other, but it's like it's just it's just marriage at that age It's been married for like 36 years, you know, like my mom will sneeze a lot of my dad's like what the fuck was that?

No warning Warning Like my mom will like drop a plate on accident and my dad will literally just like just vent about it Yeah, but he has a garden in the back. He doesn't go to therapy, but he has a garden I don't want to bring this back up. But what side of the family do you get the? Big cock from yeah, oh my mom's so your mom has a nose. No, no, no What do they both mom side is Jewish dad side is Christian. Yeah, so probably moms mom side, okay Yeah, I'd say mom side has the yeah, you have a brothers and sisters. I forget. I'm an older sister

How old is she? She's 32. Oh cool. Awesome. And so you just probably grew up in this nice wholesome home Yeah, just normal suburb. You know the you know their comics are like this. This is great. I think that's why I like you We know we have different life experiences. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think you know Like when you were talking about the keyboard story in the toilet paper hanging out I Would have loved to be the friend, you know, because then I can laugh about it and then go home and be like I was a while Where's my honey? No Cheerios? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, but did you experience anything traumatic growing up? No, I was I was always kind of like the the kid was like I would hang out with the cool kids

But I wasn't the cool kid in the cool kid group So the cool kids would pick on me, but if then if other groups would like talk shit They would that's our friend, but I was always a young kid. I was like the runt in the group, you know, yeah But nothing really traumatic Were you in high school when you lost a virginity? Yes, 17. Wow. Yep Standard all-american Normal life. Yeah, I I think my parents did a great job raising me. I think they you know, I think they They prepared me for life

They're they would you know, they'd hit me if they needed to one day my dad hit me with a with a spatula and it broke And I thought that was funny and I laughed and he's like don't fucking laugh and he hit me even harder I mean for Christmas you went over there Where oh holidays. Yeah. Yeah, but you know, so let me Last last series of questions and we'll go okay. No, yeah, I don't really very curious. All right They they set up the table. There's a turkey, right? Yeah, is there a prayer? Now we'll go around say we're thankful for Yeah

if you don't Come to Rogers house for Thanksgiving. No, that's what I'm saying I want to see if I'm comparing the two ends because in my house. We didn't have any of that. Yeah, I mean Happy Thanksgiving. What I don't know what you think Cutting the turkey with this car Turkey was it? What do you get? Oh nice. Was it good? It's the same thing. We had the night before Right, and you're like eating it and I'm like, you know, man It's like would you say like what you were thankful for or did you do anything? No, there was no

They don't know what it is. Do you want to hold a traditional Thanksgiving right now? No, I would let me next Thanksgiving. I'd like to come over baby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I want to witness it But there's no concept of it. Okay. There's no story. We don't even know it was your first actual like Thanksgiving Oh in my 20s. Yeah, you know, I went to my friend's house. We like why are you guys saying? Let's just look I literally thought it was like I literally thought it was like from the fucking movies like I go Oh, people actually do this. Yeah, but I had the same experience because we didn't have Thanksgiving in the Philippines either Did your friend right here have the Thanksgiving? Oh my god. So it's a dual um cystic pimple. I popped the first head already The second head is not there

Do I have to defend my pimples? No, I'm sorry. I had facial features all up. I attacked. Yeah, see if you weren't here It'd be me. Yeah. Thank you for being here. He lashes out on the ones he loves. Yeah, I just I I long and I wish Maybe I could experience some of that stuff Yeah, that would have been nice growing up. Yeah, I had to learn everything from the movies Interesting. Yeah, but you've kind of become a little bit of a Grinch Like because you didn't grow up with it every time when we were together I'd be like, hey, I'm putting up a tree or I'm doing this or I'm preparing for Christmas You just didn't want a part taken. I was the same way. Yeah, I didn't really mind it

I hate the hall does everything slows down. Yeah, like email a manager and they're like, I'm on out of office Or fucking month. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Help me. Yeah Same here. I hate it slows down. Yeah, they slows down. That's why I love about I think the reason why I live in LA is because During Christmas and Thanksgiving these holidays, right? Korea tone. They don't give a fuck. Oh, so going off. We'll open. We don't give a fuck. You know, I mean tsunami will open Well, Chinese food goes off during Christmas because Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right, but I'm saying like that like that's what we do on Christmas Which is why they love it right Asians don't give a fuck. So I go to the spa go to a Korean restaurant

It's great. It's like nothing happened, but I I don't know anything about it. And also it's like, um, I Sighted with the natives Yeah, I mean during that whole thing Thanksgiving's a lot. Yeah fucking hate Thanksgiving. Like why are we doing like what is it? Aren't we? What are you celebrating? It's just eating at that point. Yeah, but what's the whole purpose of Thanksgiving? Honestly, it's just a marker in time for when I can get a tree the next day. Okay It does feel like it's one step closer to Christmas. That's really what it is because Christmas is Filipino Super Bowl

Like that's our thing. So that's all I care about. Yeah, like my family's so like wholesome that like it's not even like funny for Thanksgiving Usually it's like chaotic and your aunt who's been doing like ketamine for like four years in town You know, you'll see what barbers up to you know, she comes down the chimney Yeah, yeah, it's just like just like wholesome. Just like oh, how's life good good good? Okay. Yeah What are you thankful for being healthy? Yeah. Yeah. Well, somebody jerk me off. You know, like let's get to the real shit here Yeah So you have one you want to promote anything? Just stiff socks my podcast and the best. Oh wait, aren't you?

Didn't you host a roast? Oh, I hosted the Burke-Kreischer roast that Whitney. Oh, yeah, Whitney just texted me She said that you did that I hosted it. Yeah, it was really cool. What's that? I saw a clip of it. Oh, really? Yeah, she sent it. Yeah, it I mean it was wild. It was like literally I She asked me to do I didn't know it's gonna be as big of a deal as it is It was like 30 cameras, you know, whitties so good at show running. I mean, she is just locked in She's like telling jokes that she's yelling at people. She's firing an assistant. She's throwing a Kava salad at some dude Hey, yes, like she like she's watching her in production is crazy

But yeah, it was nothing. No, thank you. I Don't want it down. You turn it down. Oh Yeah, yeah, I Don't roast. Have you ever done a roast? I've never done it. I don't know how you started pretty strong with my nose Yeah, but that's I mean, I can't go on a rose. Go look at his new nose. Oh, it's gonna be jokes and crush Really, I think you would do well because I think those guys would really get a roasting that that don't have to be Kind of like maniacal and like mean like I think you I think Shane Gillis is really good at that Shane just goes you just look dumb and everyone's like, yeah, you do look dumb

Yeah, I have to be so like I think because I look like I got like Jimmy Carr, right? Right, and his the structures are how mean are so genius. I go. Oh, I'm that's not like what I do Mm-hmm, but I don't know. I've never been I've never done it You've never been a part of one. I've that been asked a million times I've never didn't even like the Comedy Central in the beginning. They would ask I go. I just not my thing Yeah, but maybe it was a year. Yeah Because I look at like I got like put someone like Natasha Legerro who I'm way meaner than Mm-hmm her. Mm-hmm, right and she does it like how mean is Nikki Glaser? I'm so mean

So maybe I should try Yeah, I mean it is a different muscle. Yeah There's fat fuck with this diabetes stomach. I was the whole burnt criss-a-roast Yeah, yeah, is that what I mean is so good, but I got to host it So I had the first dib of jokes, you know because I did my opening like Tim in a monologue So anything that was said after that it was like, oh Trevor already did that joke Nice, but it was awesome. Let me try something like burp crash. You should change your name to fat well

You paint your toenails you're fat Look at you, you know now that I think about it. Yeah. Yeah, it's good. You didn't do pretend It's a dude when you're making love to your wife to have the kids See that doesn't come out right? Yeah, I mean, that's what I'm saying. I don't have the skill I don't think I'd be good at it because I would say that and people are like, whoa, that's weird and I'm like, oh I'm sorry. Yeah, it's weird. I think you'd be a good guy in the audience Like if somebody like says let me it didn't land you can go look at this idiot and then run away and that would crush

Oh, yeah, you're not you're not he's not on the dais. He's planted in the audience Yeah, but people don't always that he pops up. He pops up. He's got a trench coat on Yeah, yeah, and then he runs away with toilet paper hanging off that. Could you pee on somebody? Is that fun? Sexually or no, I like at a roast Don't think I don't know Maybe if they didn't notice like maybe how funny would have been if I went and peed on Bert though I don't know. I just come up with a trench grind just pee on him. That's funny Like a quick the active ping takes a while at least for me small pee hole

Yeah, if you just flash I think even you flash and it was like a photo of like Bert on your like thong like that And that's why no, that's what I'm saying a question about your pee on him About my what your pee hole? Does it just like kind of not Jut out very far then because or is it that's just a skinny stream Right as a drill none of this is making me feel like I'm packing here. Okay. I I already know what it looks like Yeah, look at your body What does that mean? It's like somebody's hitchhiking. No, it's like a little noodle who don't are thick noodles

I know that's what I'm saying, but it's long. You know I mean thick No, I think the people is fine. I think it's just like there's more pressure that can You know, it's it's everything's trying to get out at once. Oh, it is more pressure. You're right. So it does kind of Yeah, as a hurt No, I just think sometimes I push really hard to pee because I've been waiting for a while and I'm and I feel like it's like It's bottlenecking. It's a lot of people getting off one exit Yeah, don't you hit when you masturbate and then you pee and it squirts in every direction gets in your eye. Yeah, yeah Good night

well Yeah, we have one thing we don't have a helpful advice question, but we do have a Question from me. I'm just curious from you guys the standard comedians recently the Paris fashion week had like a comedy Or like they had like a fashion show, but they were different having a bunch of comedians Do the like basically model the clothing. I was curious Leo Santino. Yeah, Schultz. They were modeling that was it Super kid super collab with Louis Vuitton and I was wondering how did they choose the comedian? Why good-looking? Let me say something. Okay. Okay. I'm just curious. Let me say something about this shit. Okay

Kid super super super kid super right Tyra. That's time. She's the host. Okay. Who else is on it? Do they do time or do they just Jeff Ross went all the time and they roasted the fashion industry, but they said they chose the best comics from America to come over Okay, okay Oh, Andrew Santino was also wearing Louis Vuitton Uh, and then he also got boom, but it's roasting bob. It's what you wouldn't want to you wouldn't want to do this Oh, wow. Yo, look at him. So comfortable. It looks like yourselves use vacuums right here. Look Yeah

I feel like he should be in this for sure. Yeah, and that's it and then I think stavos is here, too But they just have us is that yeah. Oh, yeah, they went for listen. Oh, wow. Who's that? Is that not? Who is it? I don't know who that is other stavos Yeah Oh, and Andrew Schultz. Yeah, so it's not about it wasn't about like the way you look You know, it's about what they prefer comedy wise And who they deem to be fashionable and cool and I have to say out of everyone that's on there, right?

I have way more fashion than them. I would have to agree Be honest ask anyone at the comedy scene who has not right now But even right now you are the fashion guy who has the best I do right and they would never ask me Do you know why they're elite and they don't like Asians? And I'm gonna call them Oh, what Paris fashion week Paris fashion week Louie right racists. Yeah, this is a part of your stop stop Asian hate man You're hating on us, right? There you could you know what even if you ask Ronnie Chang jimmy oh yang, you know, I mean I'd be mad

You know, how about the next one all Asians me alley? That's what I'm gonna go for Right aquafina, you know, I mean Yeah, but my point is is that you don't have one right and it's fucking I wanted to go to Paris How come my Andrew gets to go to Paris he's not bigger than I am Also on a private plane. I know they're privatized. Yes. This is I can host one for you Bobby if you want You can model for me later. This is such bullshit And and Andrew called me today. He's like, yeah, I had a good time buddy And I'm like and he's you know, he's up for a movie and nothing's happening in my career

So much is happening dude. You had me on twice That's You but here here's what you got to do Photoshop your face onto that and then just mentally you were there You should do that and pose and say it had so much fun in Paris. Oh, that's funny. That you should will you do that? Yeah, we'll do that. Yeah, and tell me Louis Vuitton and all that stuff. I'll tag him. Yeah. Yeah No, don't tag him bigger power move or spell it wrong has so much fun at the lewis vitton Whatever

Okay. Yeah, because it just infuriated me, you know, they're basically saying these guys are funnier than us That's what they're saying. They they just knew that your budget was too high So they don't want to blow it on one load. So like what are we gonna call bob before it's half a mil To get him anywhere. I would have literally blown them and gone for free. Don't sit out loud Don't sit out loud. Oh Yeah, $10, but did but did they did material like is he doing like a tight? I don't know. Let's move on Anyway, one more time for fucking trevor wallace Thanks for having me back

Always a blast Hey Prime members, you can listen to tiger barely ad free on amazon music download the amazon music app today Or you can listen ad free with wondery plus in apple podcast Before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey