TigerBelly - Ep 386: Jim Jefferies Comes Back a Star!

Episode Date: February 15, 2023

Jim goes for the record after the snip. Bobby is a musket in the bedroom. We talk Evian pee, butt grapes, and singing opera before stand-up. TigerBelly is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit www.betterhelp.com/belly today to get 10% off your first month. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly add free on Amazon music download the app today Well, I have to say I have a little controversial say the things and you don't have to say you don't know one can comment Yeah, I don't find her that funny to me that personally. I'm throwing that out there man. No personally. I don't know Yes, as I said, there's an audience for you. Can't you can ever in comedy discount someone and go there shit If they've got legions of fans, there's people who enjoy it exactly like when you see Kara top You're like it's not my cup of tea, but I understand why people like it. Yeah. Yeah And he's valid and he's a nice guy and just keep going. I have no, you know, that's so I've never met carrot top He seems nice. Yeah, you have to be nice to look when you look like him. Yeah

I've never heard a story about carrot top where comics many men go and fuck that guy She's like hey, it's props. Yeah. Yeah. I'm you can say fuck those props. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck prok comedy. Yeah, yeah But um, yeah, he's a valid guy. He seems like a sad guy. Oh Probably not you think maybe just many more one day where he was a bit down. We're all sad guys I know give us the moment one time I saw the only time I ever saw the guy was I was at the Melrose improv and he was gonna do a guest spot But he stayed in his car Right, right and I think in my mind. I was like, oh, he must think that they're gonna shit on yeah or something

You know, it was I had that feeling, you know, that's a sad boy. Yeah, but maybe he studies pro I knew a prop comic in Britain And he had you know, he had this suitcase he had to travel around nothing like carrot top these big elaborate Pops these little tiny Elvis wigs and shit Anyway, nice guy this comic, but anyway, he he got out of a cab and the cab drove off with these props in it Oh, wow. Yeah, that was his whole life Yeah, I can only and then he got on stage and he's just like, ah, fuck it. I'll give it a go Oh

No, no, he just did a bit of crowd work and tried his best Imagine a puppet like a ventriloquist losing his puppet. I think there's there's something in that, you know, yeah There's there's uh, I knew a ventriloquist Mark Felgate in britain who he never had a puppet He didn't want a puppet, but he could do throw the voice And he did jokes where these lips not moving and then oh, that's cool So you didn't have did you do this with his hands? No, no, he didn't do anything with his hands Whoa, he would talk to you like you were on drugs and then he'd say something and then his lips wouldn't move and then The thing and try to spin you out. Oh

Oh, that's trickery. Yeah, that's cool. Well, let's start go ahead do the countdown Welcome to another episode of tiger belly. I'm your captain Bobby Lee and I am so very grateful today and I feel great Um, we have a special guest but I'm not gonna bring up again, but we have um, we had George, right? Russ Russ is back here. I've seen you know why man. Your cheeks are getting like a Chimp monkey You know what I mean? Which is when you were you're young I was like that guy's handsome, but now your cheeks are Getting in the way, but I love it. You know what I mean? Um

My ex-girlfriend Kalilah. Uh, you know, I mean we're still I didn't know about the breakup. Oh, this is are you being real? Yeah. No, I didn't know. I don't follow every minute of you I just oh, this is great. Yeah six months ago. We six a year a year ago. Whatever it was. COVID Yeah, COVID it's a fucking Wuhan It's the Wuhan's fault and then we got Gilbert. What's up, and then I want to introduce the guy we have so I um When I first met this guy this guy right in front of me, um Number one. I just want to say One of the nicest guys you'll ever meet

I was like I'm being real yours. I don't know about anyone else, but every every Um situation I've ever been with you in you know, I mean socially. Yeah, I've always went you know what? I like that guy a lot really nice guy number two I met him back in the day before I think you were this global thing You know, I mean when you lived with Eddie ift. Yeah in Venice, right and then um Um, yeah, I mean just every encounter I've ever had with you have been positive I think you're one of the best comics in the on the planet. Oh, thank you And um, I can't believe this is the first time you've ever done my podcast. It's first time I've been invited. I think

Maybe not. I don't fucking have it. This is the first time you invited him I don't do the book. I don't do the book. I let him I don't do many podcasts. Yeah. Yeah, this is great So he's um one of the best comics. I think you're a good actor too. Jim Jefferies. Give him a round of Oh, thank you. Yeah, you're from Australia. I am from Australia Nice Bobby. Where all the actors are from. Yeah. Yeah, but you know what's so cool about you too is um Bono Will you know bono? I said you know what's so cool about you?

I saw you on my a red-eye flight back from hoi with your family and um I think like the walk back to baggage was about a mile and a half long Yeah, and I thought to myself. I actually thought about you in this moment Why? Because like when you see somebody like oh, that's Jim Jefferies and then you see him and it's like, oh, he's a real dad Hi. Yeah, you know I take care of him and everything. Yes. Oh, he's a real freaking dad, but it's unfathomable That's the thing. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, I honestly to you everybody meets me

They always go can you um can I do a video of you calling my friend a cunt, right? That doesn't matter who it is. Can you call my friend a cunt? I used to go. I don't really want to do that I don't know your friend now. I've just given up to it. I'm like, what's their name? All right, george. You're a cunt mate. Oh, thanks brilliant, right? But people do that when I'm with my kids Wow, they'll go they'll go. Hey, can you tell my friend that he's a cunt and I'm like daddy's got some work to do Wow, do they do they know what the word? I mean, are they Old enough to know my ten. Oh, yeah, one of them's ten and one of them's one So, yeah, all right. They're both old enough to know words, but one knows more than the other. Yeah

The ten-year-old he's remarkable really. He's uh, I've never heard I saw I heard him swear once on a roller coaster Which was it? Was it six flags? Yeah, but what twisted what that twisted one x2 No, no the one where it's two roller coasters and they sort of go into each other and he said fuck as they went down the hill Ah, and I said it and like I know he knew that he couldn't be disciplined in that moment Wow, because I was probably saying fuck as well, right But uh, so around the house if he said it you would know and I sort of swear in front of him I thought he would swear, but he just doesn't do it. Yeah His mother's heard him swear. His mother said him swear a couple of times, but he's never sworn in front of me

I think that's how it goes if your parents are heavy with a profanity at home The kids become the opposite and if you never hear it like I never heard it really it was always like a bad thing Never allowed Catholicism and then I couldn't wait to say it. Well, I'm a fucked up guy That's why I was so afraid to have kids because I know how I was as a kid Like lighting things on fire shooting kittens with BB guns beat your grandma. I beat my grandma with a fucking stick Did she beat you? No, she was paralyzed from the neck down. So there's no way Jesus you you beat a quadruplegic Well, she's like a family. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not like a random person. Is this some Asian thing?

Yeah, it's an Asian thing. You're allowed to do this. It's a Korean hello. You know what type of stick was it? It was one of those willow sticks Like from the movie willow No, no, no, isn't a willow of a plant of some sort or a tree. Yeah, it's like a bamboo shoot or something Yeah, yeah, but it's thinner and spikier. Oh, it leaves cool marks. And yeah, does it make a noise like a whip? Yeah, but she didn't because she was paralyzed from the neck down She just smiled through it and I was a kid So me and my brother would just whip her with it until the day came where my dad caught me

And he loved me. Oh, but she thought it was a bit of fun. It was her party trick Yeah, well, she was just like I think she was kind of like not there. Could she talk? No I would then how do you know she was enjoying it the face I can read faces jim. Yeah, not well She kept on whipping it all I think she liked the attention. Yeah. Oh my grandkids repeating and I don't feel it So I guess I'm okay with it But is it elderly abuse if you're like four or five years old? Oh, no, no, I thought he was doing this in these 20s No, that'll be I was like, yeah, six seven eight years old. Yeah, that'd be weird

But um, yeah, a little weird at eight But I was afraid that if I had kids that they were gonna come out like me But I think you're right. Maybe I'll I'll like give birth to like really like good kids And when do you want to do this? Probably never, right? Yeah, how old are you 51? Yeah, don't worry about it. You Don't do it. Don't do it. Steve Martin did it Steve Martin's got Steve Martin money And he's got a thousand people who probably take care of the kid. He's got a really young wife

Well, I guess he has to be young to have the kids. So, um, but no, like I said to my wife, I said I said when we get married, I said if you're not pregnant by the time of 45, I'm not doing it because after that I'm not doing it. Oh, wow. And now I've had the vasectomy Also, it's tied up. I've I well it's snipped or whatever. Does come come out or no comes to see this is funny because my father I'm curious. This isn't my new special coming out for the 14th Um, but my my father I sold him. I said I'm getting a vasectomy and he said, oh, don't do it And I said why and he said because most women not all women they like to see the come That's what he said. Yeah, and I said dad when you have vasectomy you still ejaculate it just doesn't work anymore

And he went oh get one then Really? Well, what happens is so they snip it I got I paid to get knocked out most people just do it with laughing gas these days And the guy gives you a certificate like you're a child At the end of it like you've been like I don't I don't imagine they do that when women get their tubes tied I don't think they'd be that patronizing But for men, they're just like this. No, I got a certificate Right. So so the guy cuts it and then you got to do you got to have 30 wanks

I thought it was 50. Well, my guy only asked for 30. What's a way you got to clear out? You got to come 30 times. Oh, that's how australians call jerking off wank. Yeah having a wank Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So you got to do 30 loads and then you got to send him your 31st load to make sure that vasectomy Work because you've cleared out of the balls of any active semen. Interesting. So they it's if it did Let me just say though. Listen to me. Okay If you did have sperm at the 31st time, yeah, that means that sperm is resilient No, it could be a botched vasectomy as well I know but still if it's botched this he still had to find a way through to jump it

He said to me he goes like this and as I was leaving, right? He's got like a born identity kind of vibe As I was leaving he went. Oh, by the way, the record's 19 days Wow And I was like I can do that That's like give me a hotel room and a headset. Yeah, I can I can get that done quick Yeah, what mean 19 days? Well, this is the problem the first seven days. You don't want to touch it Because there's still a stitch there and stuff. You don't want to be pulling against the stitch Oh, so that takes away a lot of your wank days. Oh, I see the wank

So if he seven days so that gave him 12 days to get rid of 30 wanks Uh, yes. Yes. Wow. I see what did the math. Yeah. Yeah So if you met how do you mean how many wanks would you need to do then about three three a day Wow And I haven't wanked three a day since I was oh, I've done that plenty of times in hotel rooms, of course We need to get nothing to do. Well, wait as an adult. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, when I'm with your memory when I'm on the No, I use porn. I'm not like a fucking animal They're reminiscing. Yeah

Looking up I know but do you let me kind of have some questions. Do you um Well, how long is the break between sessions? I don't take long You know what you've never had sex like twice in an hour. No, what's your refractory period? None 24 hours I'm like one of those muskets. Oh, it takes a long time to load. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not I don't have a modern pistol So it's like it takes me a long time. I got a lot of bullets, but I only got one magazine But um, so you can so you what half an hour an hour you can half an hour can come

That's insane. Yeah. Wow. And so can you but you can't do that repeatedly I did after well after I had the vasectomy. I did look at my calm a lot to see if it was a different viscosity Like if it was if it was the color changed and had it No, it looks the same But then there's that theory about and my wife won't do this for me But there's a theory about when guys with vasectomies if you shoot it in the eye, it doesn't sting Because the sperm the sperm's not swimming towards the egg

Because that's meant to be why it hurts. That's the theory. That's the stinging part. This may not be beneficial Right But I've heard this right so so I said to my wife. I said, well, you should put a bit in your eye Yeah, and then there's the argument. I could just put it in my own eye But I I don't have any previous experience to work off. You see wait, you've never come to your own eye Oh, I have. Yeah, so have I I don't know. We were coming on just to talk about cum, but I'm I'm a distance guy

All right, right stupid distance. Yeah. Yeah several times. I've come in my mouth by accident You're always you're laying on your back and you come and then you Boom swish And there's a few things that happen in that moment and the biggest thing that I've noticed is laughter You you got a laugh The cum hits the back of your throat. There's no use going like this. You just go You can't be angry at yourself. No, you can't. Yeah, that'd be weird. You're not a distance guy I know I was trying not to say it. Yeah, because he was bragging. I don't think people want distance

I've never met a woman after they've had sex with me and they've gone back to their friends like six feet. I saw it I think you're wrong Jim. Oh really? Yeah If it hits us in the bottom of our chin, we it's talked about. Oh, well, then I'm because I do viseen drops Because I after I leave a hotel room. Sometimes the bed heads got covered and my head's been there I haven't I don't get up on my knees. I'm not a young So you you girls right if I shut it in your eye There's something really exciting about it like the projection the propulsion. Yeah, I never thought of it that way But I appreciate yours because yours was like weepy, right? It's just weak. It's crying

It's like but I've seen women I've seen women who squirt and then I've seen women where it just sort of goes Like floods out. What do you prefer? um, well In the short term the large squirt In the long term, yeah, if you're gonna stay in my house Right keep it in an area Right Yeah, but we're in a hotel squared away. Oh, that's true. Yeah, yeah me and the wife have a only anal in hotel policy

Really only in hotels. Why because that makes a mess. Yeah, because it's like, uh, we have to sleep here afterwards Uh, yeah, you've never you've never squirted in front of me. Yeah, I'm not a squirter. Yeah I think that destroyed our relationship maybe easy come out. I'll take easy camera over squirter any day really You come easy. Yeah, why because squirter they can't fake it the squirters either. They can't They can't just go Well, let's you have a squirt gun. It's gotta be a way to do it Could by urinating and saying and saying you're coming at the same Wait, wait, is is the wait? I always thought that the squirt was pee

Yeah, it's all pee, but it seems like it's very, uh, it's not yellow pee. It's very clear water pee Oh, it's clear water pee. I always think it is. I don't know if there's a separate section Yeah, yeah, but it seems to be very diluted pee. Yeah, it's pee but mixed with heavy on water. Maybe. Yeah, maybe. Okay, good Yeah, yeah, can you drink it? You can try you can drink your own piss. Yeah, I know you can but is it healthy for you? They reckon it is if you drink it right away. There's a lot of people who are into martial arts and shit Right, Manuel. Um, I mean marquez before he knocked out pacquiao said he drank his piss Liotta machita drinks his piss right when you do it from the tap You go straight into a glass and you take it back. You don't like do the fountain

Oh, really? Yeah, they reckon it's sterile coming out man. So yeah, yeah, I'll never try that. No, I'm not gonna try it Yeah, yeah, yeah, I I'm still getting over it my own shit Once I master that, I'll think about it. Yeah So is your schedule the same having a family? No, no, it's it's it's my life's like your life But I go to bed early and I have to I have to take a child to the bus in the morning. Wow The school you should go to bed at two in the morning. The school run kills me Yeah, school run kills me every morning because I'm still on comedian hours I still sort of go to bed around sort of 11 midnight above a thing

Yeah, but I but you need to get up at sort of 6 30 to get everyone ready for school Why do you have to though? Because I have to go to school. It's like a thing I know but can't your wife do it? She's got a baby I at least I can do is take the 10 year old to the school run if she's taking care of a baby That's how you do it. That's right. My bad. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have kids. Yeah. Yeah, you broke up with him You did good there That's some solid work. He's not a keeper

How do you what how the fuck you know if I wasn't given the circumstances to do it I just wasn't gonna roll that dice. Why because you could have rolled sevens Is that the right one or four? Yeah, you want a seven you want a seven? Yeah, begin with but then after you Rainer four, you don't want a seven. Okay. Yeah, you were leaving big clues like You know sleeping until 6 p.m. Like, you know small things like leaving the dog shit But can I can I ask you a serious question? Uh-huh if I have to be somewhere at 7 in the morning. Am I there? Yeah, but I have to wake you up That's not the question

That's not the question you fight me for waking you up. That's not the question either. Am I there though? I yeah, there you go That's an acting job You have to like acting jobs don't fuck around with likeness. Do they you show up? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's what it is Talk on your door. That's it. Or well, no, there are times where I've had to go to an A meeting early Yeah, I had I had that when I was doing my sitcom there was a there was a ad guy called Pete and Pete was a jersey bloke and every time because it was my show, right? So I never shopped late late. I might be three minutes late five minutes late or something that but I was always on time

At least I thought I was perfectly on time. He's like nice to meet you. Yeah. There you go. Jim. There's your coffee. All right We'll see you and sit, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, then I got a job on another tv show It's just a guest toast and uh, and I was five minutes late and was Pete was there and he goes It's not your fucking show now Show up on time. Yeah, they freaked the fuck out. I was like, oh, right. This is a completely different environment Tiger belly is sponsored by better help You guys better help is the best thing in town man in the planet earth I mean, you know, I mean in every country has a town. Absolutely, you know, and um during the pandemic and um just in life

You know, there's a lot of stressors out there and you get bogged down and you get in your head Yeah, and if you're a traumatic, you know, baby, you know, I was a traumatic baby and um I had to do online therapy to feel free and light Because you know that stuff can turn into diseases and stuff. So it's like, you know, when you're at your best You can do great things, but sometimes life gets you bogged down and you may Feel overwhelmed or like you're not showing up in the way that you want to working with the therapist can also help You get closer to the best version of you. Yeah, because when you feel empowered

You're more prepared to take on everything that life throws at you. Go ahead And if you're thinking of giving therapy a try better help is a great option It's convenient flexible affordable and entirely online Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist anytime for no additional charge If you want to live a more empowered life therapy can get you there visit better help dot com slash belly today to get 10% off your first month That's better help hlp.com slash belly Remember that day I was on splitting up together and I was I had a 6 a.m. Call to him. It's 10 p.m

And I'm in the house and a pa was in the living room Yeah, and he was like, dude, you were supposed to be there four hours ago and they made me come in here and get you And I I went as is I went in the car. I was that was a fucking terrible day But yeah, it was a fucking terrible day. There's nothing worse than sleeping in Yeah, especially because they had to do all of Jenna Fisher's coverage First now Right, so it's a whole headache. You know, man, and when I showed up everyone was pissed. I could feel it I'm never gonna what happened in that show that show was all right cancelled. Yeah, they all get fucking

I know it's a fucking pain the neck. I can't get sad second. Have you gotten a second season before I got a second season The third season on the Jim Jeffery show, but I can't that's like when when the Jim Jeffery show was cancelled Was because comedy central cancelled fucking everything. Yeah, except for the daily show and South Park. Yeah, and they cancelled everything So there was no executives left But the one that hurt the most was I had an NBC Multicam sitcom where the sets were built and everything was called Jefferies and I had Anthony little paglia paying my dad And I had like all these cool things and we were six days out from filming

And fucking covered All right, and then and then I was told like this. I don't worry as soon as we get out We'll do this right and then the guy who's sort of championed me at NBC. He was the head of comedy He gets fired for racial insensitivity because the gabriel union got upset with something that happened on agp Oh, right. I remember right. So I was watching the news like this Oh, that's a shame. He lost his job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe the new person well Yeah, no, that was the end of it because what happens is, you know, the the new person's job It he wants to create his own voice

That's true. It was a sheet He or she right they want to you know mean make their mark So any previous projects isn't their thing and so it's a whole fucking thing that much that must have sucked man Oh, yeah, that one was but you've been there. How many shows you had cancelled now? No, I mean like this is the business. Yeah, I've been on three legitimate shows that were cancelled Yeah, that I was on but um, I've had many pilots not get picked up Yeah, and this weekend I didn't tell you something bad happened. So friday. I have a deal at NBC Okay, and friday, I don't want for me

Ask him like this me Yeah, and friday my peter my writing partner called me and franti goes they made announcements And we're not in the announcements and already I wanted to tell him go we're done, right? But I go I'll make some calls made some calls. He goes and my agent goes over the weekend I'll let you know today early in the morning. Yeah, he never called Right. So I just it's done. Yeah, it's sad. So that that that project Is what no news is bad bad news. Yeah, it's bad news, but You know, it's all right. I'm because I'm so you get so used to this is bad

When you first got cancelled broke your heart, right? Oh, yeah Yeah, that show the the sitcom really because I put my heart and soul in that one. That one really hurt I just did a game show. I think that's me future You think that's your future. I think that's my future. I'm like I'm like they go for fucking ever and once you get five One just go to another one Yeah, what show is it? It's called the one percent club and it's like it's it's it's all across They're gonna have an american version as well And it's a show where you start with a hundred contestants and they're the whole audience

And you stand in the middle and they're all sort of seated around you And then you ask a question that 90 of the population could get and so you lose 10 people who get it wrong 80 and then it gets down to the question that one percent of the population could get Whoa, but they're all like you questions. Well, like give me an example of a 90 percent question Oh, a night. Oh a 90 percent question is what photo is incorrect, you know It'll be like a picture of the Eiffel Tower next to the Sydney opera house and the other one And they ever can't how do you not know that anyway, but then like a like a 80 percent question would be Logically which month would sell the least amount of toilet paper February or August?

Wait, let's think about it. Think about it. All right. So so what would sell the least amount august or february? I would see I say the least amount is august. Why? Because you're a moron February's got the least amount of days. It's don't over complicate these things You're like this. You're like, yeah, because I normally drink a lot in august. That makes me fast. That's what I was thinking So I'd be shitting myself after the holidays Yeah, and like February February i'm working out so my diet's pretty good. These are my firm shits not much wiping Is that where you're gonna do on the show fucking shame people when they get it wrong? That's what I have to do

Oh You're doing your job. Well, it's like it has an audience where you're going Even then when I called you a moron, I felt harsh everyone But so what happens is the beginning you're just like, oh you got that wrong Like that and then as they gets further and further you start complimenting the people who get it right All right, right and it starts off with like a whole lot of really good looking people And they drop off quick I drop off quick for the IQ questions. They just haven't had to develop it. It's not their fault

And then and then it's always something like bookish nerd at the end is just like blinking at y'all It's a great show So you've shot a season or a pilot season's already done and it's in england. This I did the Australian australian version That's fucking amazing. Yeah. Yeah, but it's like also you're banging out like two episodes a day Sure, it just seems like it. I reckon it's the wave of the future game shows I it reinvented how he mendelskirre Reinvented didn't it invent no I like how he's I like how he once I did how he's podcast

Yeah, and he said do you think you could call anyone a cunt and I said, oh, yeah pretty much. It's me thing And he's like, can you ring up my wife and call her a cunt? And then like when someone puts it in front of you like that. Yeah Oh god, can I yeah, and so I rang up and he goes He rings his wife up and he goes Jim Jeffries once you guys are someone here wants to speak to you I don't say who I am. I said, hey, how you doing your cunt and she goes. Oh, I love you Wow, I was like, oh good. Yeah, I could have gone too. Is pussy. Yeah. What do you mean? What do you mean cunt is pussy? What do you think a cunt is? Yeah, I mean because I've seen uh

Uh guys call women cunts. Is that what this is the thing is the problem with America is the word cunt is wrapped up in calling a woman A cunt where in the rest of the world the word cunt I'd be more likely to call you a cunt than to call you a cunt I I've I've called very few women in my life a cunt. I've called all my mates. I call cunts and call me a pussy Is what you're saying cunt. No, no, no, no, no, no, it's just like you could be you know, I want a term of infection But you go, oh my mate over. He's a good cunt, right? Oh, I would argue the word cunt is Actually softer than the word bitch I think so too. Yeah, I think well, please tell me what more well because I could go I could go that girl over there

I go, oh my wife. She's a bloody cunt. She is fucking hell. She's a cunt if I said that, right? Yeah But if I went my wife, she's a bitch. She is fucking hell. She's a bitch Yeah, it's something you're right nasty and maybe you're right maybe but I would argue that it Sounds softer from you because I understand how it's how it is in Australia But if I were to hear George Kimmel say it it's the accent when I hear Americans say it I just go what are you doing? Yeah, I meant to say that. Let me try it. Let me try it. So this is my pal here He's a fucking cunt. I know you too much Oh, what do you mean? What do you mean? What? Yeah, you're with my friend George. He's a cunt. Softer. He's a good cunt. Oh, yeah

What a cunt. This is my friend George. He's a good cunt. Yeah. Yeah, he's a bit and then you start using words Oh, that's a bit cunty You know what George's doing is a little cunty. Yeah Okay, that's okay. That's feels yeah, you go get this fucking cunting box upstairs. You know what I mean? Yeah, you start doing that. Can you use it sexually like let me eat your cunt. Oh, I don't Yeah, why not? I just use it in every other part of my life. I know but you want it. I don't want to bring work on it All right Would you if a guy was you met a guy on raya? Yeah, right like that guy that you match with that's my friend

I didn't match with him. I know but the one that liked you right this piece of shit All right. He's a he's she's a lot of data. She wants now Oh, yeah, let's get to that. Let's ask that. Let's ask that for a second. Okay, Jim. Thanks, Jim. All right All right, let's ask that so I only just found out about the breakup I understand that but let okay, so you're married, right? Yeah, I am right. You get a divorce met my wife and raya Did you really? Yeah. All right A month later. Yeah, you guys break up and she's six months. Okay six months later a year a year a year

You find out that I liked your wife knowing that that was your wife. How do you how would you feel about it? I wouldn't be happy only because I wouldn't want you near my kids. It's it's the constant nudity Bobby I don't do that anymore. I don't do that anymore. Is that my brand? As a bloke I'd be like she's back at Bobby Lee. All right I don't like that. Yeah, I don't like that. You're one of the guys I would encourage Why because you don't think I'll be as good or what I've heard your distance is terrible and they Yeah, my distance is bad. Yeah. Yeah. So if this guy was eating you out and he was like, let me eat your cunt How would you feel about it? I Not good. Okay. Not great. So in sexual, you know, I don't want to put myself, but if I did it would it be more acceptable?

Yes, the accent. So yeah, see. Yeah, how would you say it? I'm gonna eat your cunt Wow, so bad, dude. I want him to eat my cunt. That was so good, dude. My cunt's gone out. I can't say the word. That's why I never use it. It just I have to think about it. It's so natural with him You know what I mean? Yeah, that's amazing. Well, I used to say it more than most British people did on stage But now it's like in Australia. I remember in the comedy clubs in like the early 2000s No one really said it. We and now it's like the whole the gates opened in Australia every comic say in it Yeah, and it's pretty island. They were always saying it the Irish comics are always throwing it out there Are you super famous in Australia?

Like I know you're famous, but like are you like you're comfortable when I sell more tickets in Australia, right? But when you go into a restaurant, is it weird or no? I've never been you know, what is that level of fame? You know what I mean? Like I think I think people stop and ask for a photo or something like that Yeah, but it's not like I've never had like that where people are holding up cameras as you walk in I was like, I'll tell you I'll tell you a funny story, right? So I fucking I okay. This is the name dropy But whatever I was do you know David Williams from little Britain? You ever watched a little Britain? No, no, okay This story is not as good then Yeah, but let's just imagine. He's a super famous guy

But I was I was at Russell Crowe's house, right and Russell Crowe is and we're at me That's David Williams from the British guy talent. I love him. Yeah, I love David Williams Yeah, well, he's he's one of the funniest cats you'll ever meet. Yeah. Yeah, like just funny on funny, right? Yeah, but so so he was at Russell's as well. And so the three of us were going out to dinner, right? Yeah, Russell lives in this apartment on this pier that has all these like sort of fancy restaurants and sort of Sydney Harbour And and Russell's like, yeah, there's a Chinese restaurant down the end of the Yeah, and he goes we'll all just go there and have a how long ago was this because I have to know what cross Russell Crowe I'm looking at. Is it the fatter one? This is this is last year. Oh, so the thicker one

He's my mate. Yeah, but he's no Yes, the one of the greatest actors of all time. Yes, the thicker one. Why can't I just say that he's thick? What I call him because I want to know It's not gladiator. Rather than fat shaming. Why don't we just say that? I'm not fat shaming. I'm saying he's like the 54 year old Russell Yes, that one. Okay. All right. So it's not gladiator 2022 Russell. Yeah All right. So the one that was in um I forgot a Superman Superman. Yeah, any manastelian

Yeah, all right. So now I have a visual the one in Thor. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he goes Chinese food Okay, and then what so he goes either I just needed to know what Russell Crom looking at right My bad. So there was uh, there was like, okay, so so he goes Oh, I go to this restaurant all the time. He goes it's my only restaurant. I eat there every day And we're walking through the car park underneath the the apartments. He goes we can just go in through the back door Right, right. So me David and Russell walk in through the back door and is that it's that bit of the kitchen? That's not really the nice bit that they show you

It's with those rubber mats on the floor and someone just doing dishes. Yeah that open kitchen bit the horrible bit Yeah, and we walk through and there's like There's like a guy just cleaning pots and three sort of famous people walking Yeah, and and Russell just storms through boom. Boom. Boom. And then me and David walk through like this. So sorry. Yeah Thank you so much Sorry, and then we walk through the next bit of the kitchen And then we walk past the maitre d and he's just staring and it's hello. Thank you for having us Wrong fucking restaurant. We were two doors up

Really? Yeah, yeah Russell fucked up. Yeah Russell goes there every week or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So oh shit. Sorry Um, so this happens what's happening? You got a you got a you got a coffee grinder. No, it's a heater We put a water heater in our pot. It's salt water Maybe from now when we just turn it off, you know when we have guests over no We could but that's your salt water Yeah, but I don't go in the pool. No, no, no, that's for to soften your water. It's a water And I'm sorry. It's not your salt. It's a water softener, but I add if I didn't have it Would I be like oh, this is hard water? Yeah, it also leaves um calcifications on your

Oh, I don't want that. I don't want that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah calcification and it's uh Your hair is nicer when you wash it with this. Yeah with a softener Okay, okay, okay Even like some hotels have it and you're like, why is my hair so nice? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I know what I want to say, right? I apologize For Mexico What what happened in Mexico, man? You did me and Andrew's podcast. Oh, yeah, that was horrible I know that's were you there, right? I couldn't hear anything. I apologize. Oh, I didn't care. I know you didn't

Look, no one wrote to me. I assume no one finished it It was a fucking shit fight and it wasn't your fault. I know we couldn't hear each other I never had speakers like that. We couldn't hear each other talk and the the audience was and was outdoors And it was just Fucking hard work that man. Oh, I'm surprised you remember it because wouldn't you hide out of your mind? I know, but that's how fucked up. Is that your what's your sobriety? What's your sobriety now? Uh, uh, january 25th. So that was before so you you don't do edibles or anything. Nothing. I'm an AA Right. Yeah, I I well, I called me new special high and dry because that's my new term instead of california sober

Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, but I haven't had a drink in 700 days. Wow, but I I get high about three times a week That's fine. Yeah. I'm all right with it. Yeah, some people can do that and uh, and uh, but I yeah Once I got that into me. I stopped drinking. I went to AA a couple of times. I think we were even a couple of the same Me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We did some ones. I remember that. Yeah Yeah, but do you do edibles or do you do flower? I don't smoke it. No. Oh, so you just eat it. I just eat it And how convenient like I'm you're right. But it's the thing is I also have hemorrhoids. So I've got like I've got I've got like these weed. I've got weed gummies and then I got fiber gummies just jars of fiber And I've got like a 10 year old son. He's like, what kind of a gummy on there adult food?

Yeah, Jim, do they bother you so much and would you get a hemorrhoid duck to me? Why can't you just get them removed? I've had a surgery. I know that's super painful. That one was that was seven years ago That was the work because it's a varicose vein. Yeah, people always think it's just that's what I know. I'm not a doctor I don't I've heard no Say it isn't so Yeah, I could be ken You know what I mean? So, um, I'm not a you know me guy But um, what exactly is what's going on there? So it's you've got veins going down your colon

We like we know when you see like a person who has varicose veins in the back of their legs and it's all popped out I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like that. Well, my colon has that going down it, right? But so so you see it Sometimes it pops out of the yeah pops out. You got to push it back up a vein No, you're half your anus. Yeah, hemorrhoid will put you push it back up And you just move on with your day. That's all you can do is embarrassing Sometimes you're really itchy and sometimes they hurt a lot if you're jamming your butthole inside your butthole Is it embarrassing? Well, only if you do it in front of people

Yeah, but in the car you're like, hi. No, no, no, it's after shit. It's not like I like sneeze and then go Oh, you know, it's after a shit. Yeah, it happens. You just push it back up and you move on. Yeah, yeah Um, but I at this very moment right now as you're looking at me I have one with a rubber band around it because I'm not getting the surgery again So I've got a very large one and there's a rubber band around it There's a rubber band around your asshole. No, they go up inside I have a hemorrhoid that was the size of a golf ball and they get this thing and they put it over the top They get this rubber band and it tightens it off like that. Yeah, it loses its blood flow and it falls off strangles it

It strangles. Oh your choke screen because if you do the hemorrhoid dectomy, it's extremely painful The problem is you have stitches all the way up the colon. Yeah, and then you have to shit pass stitches And that's not fun. Oh, man. Shit pass stitches. Yeah, that's a good band name How great write that down as a band name The shit past stitches. Yeah, but my point is is that don't I just in my mind, right? To get a rubber band inside your butthole and to get the strangulation thing. I feel like that's painful No, there's that doesn't hurt at all That's embarrassing because you have to chat to a bloke and I have I have a guy and he starts off

He puts his finger up your ass and then it prolapses out a bit and you go. Yeah, that's been happening And then he goes oh, yeah, and I said to me you guys. Yeah, that was a big one and I go I go, I go was it really big? He goes they don't get bigger Is that what he said? Yeah, he said they don't get bigger. He goes, but you're not alone. I've seen plenty this size Oh, oh, okay. Okay. It hurts. Obviously when you have a hemorrhoid like that. Yeah, of course It's discomfort. What does it feel like itchy burning? But it's more like yeah, and the problem with the rubber band one then it's it pushes against your prostate So for like a week, you feel like you have to shit the whole time. But I'm at the arse end of it right now

Oh, you are and then can another one arise? I think I have another three up there. This is just the biggest one We're getting rid of People if you do like a routine colonoscopy will have internal hemorrhoids. Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna go out And then and then they go that's what I call them piles. You ever heard the term pile? No, that's when you got loads of them a pile of them Oh, really? Yeah, I have piles. You have a pile of fucking. Yeah, it's just like a bag of grapes hanging on Wow Will I get them eventually you probably have internal hemorrhoids but you're 51. You should get a colonoscopy a routine for colon cancer Yeah

Although they're cute. Let's suppose you have some like like they're like pomegranates. Yeah Yeah, they're bigger than pomegranates, but yeah Yeah, yours are but I'm saying that they're not like They don't look like ball sack. Well, they can look like externally. They can pop and then just drip blood Yeah, they can they bleed bleeding on part of the most women when they're pregnant get one or two Yeah, women after pregnancy from all that pushing during labor Hmm, but you sound I feel like you have some nice supple poos that aren't do you drink metamucil at your age? I drink how old are you Jim? I'm 46 in like a week. Happy birthday by the way. Yeah, yeah, Valentine. Yeah. Yeah

Um, I'm only five years older Yeah, but I still drink metamucil. It's just yeah. Yeah. What is that? No fiber fiber? Yeah, I I find that um my body inside my body feels fine. You know what I mean? I just my knees How do you know? Well, I've had this body for 51 years, but I've never felt the inside of my body unless I've been sick I can't think where my heart's feeling. I know I understand that but that's what I'm feeling if there was an ache there Then I'd be like, oh, there's a problem, but nothing feels achy You do complain about always like dripping moist stuff out of your butt. Oh, you get mucus. Yeah, you get the mucus blood

Yeah, yeah, you get the mucus ass Is that not true you get mucus ass. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not a doctor Yeah, but I would call it mucus ass. I would say mucus is a sign of inflammation. I would call it mucus. Maybe it's mucus Mucus ass. Okay. It's slimy, right? Well, my dad had it. Well, then your dad had mucus ass, oh Yeah, because one time he was beating my brother I but he my brother woke him up from a nap and he was playing keyboards my brother And he had a friend over my dad walked in completely naked took the keyboard smashed it over my brother's head Yeah, and then when he turned around

He provided a good laugh because he had toilet paper stick out of his asshole And that's when we knew there was something going on and so I always I think he probably had a hemorrhoid then He probably had one that was bleeding. You think no, he had no my mom the mucus wouldn't you wouldn't keep the toilet paper up there for the mucus. You wouldn't no You don't keep it up your nose when you got a bit of snot there Oh, that's a good point. Okay. Can I say this though? I think you're wrong because I smelled it. What does it smell like? You smelled it your mucus or your ass my asshole the juice the asshole juice Uh, it would smell like shit. It's been around shit, man

The mucus would be yes, you're right scientifically. Yes, you're right Yeah, I think you're right. So your parents were beaters They used to hit you. Yeah. Yeah, my parents were hitters. They're violent. Yeah, and um My parents were like my my mother used to go my father not so much She was all right, but my mom used to go hell for leather, man. She used to beat the shit out of you Yeah, and that um trauma that it did cause you trauma. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Do you do emdr and stuff to get through it or no? No, I've been to therapy about it and stuff like that

The resentment you hold towards it and such stuff But then you just got to realize that people were doing their best man. She loved me. She's just doing her best Yeah, I just don't that argument, you know, they did the best they can right is I could have done better could have done it without the hitting but Yeah, but how hard is it not to hit your I mean there's I feel that's the bit when I had a child That's when I went into therapy. Yeah, because until then I just thought that's what parents do And then when I looked at my son when he was about five or six and that's when I was beaten relentlessly And I was like I could never fucking backhand this kid. Yeah. Yeah

I wouldn't what joy would I feel it's not like I'm struggling every time I see my son I want to punch him in the foot. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's not even a struggle for me. Yeah, that's the bit I didn't get that's what I'm at I was exactly kind of essentially what I was asking you how the resistance if you have to resist it There's something really wrong. My brother rocked that my mother was in hospital This is towards the end of her life But my mother was in hospital and she'd broken something and it healed up and she was going through physical therapy and all that type of stuff And she had the therapist come in like a like a actual therapist therapist come in and talk to her

And she she'd obviously given them all this like oh, I wish I could walk better But my the boys aren't very nice to me and they don't give me much encouragement and all this type of stuff, right? And so my brother who's a cop, but he actually was in his uniform He walks in there to visit her like this and this therapist caught him and he said And mum was in bed all fucking hugged up like this and she goes and he goes Hey, look I was talking to your mum and she was such a great mum to you boys and uh, she um Look, she's she's trying really hard at physical therapy, but she's feeling like she's not getting enough encouragement from you guys

So if you could say things like way to go mum and you're doing great mum I think would go a long way. She's sitting all smug in her Yeah, and my father my brother goes at this. Let me stop you right there He goes I lock up people every fucking day For for doing less than this what this woman did to me. Wow. We should be putting to fucking Yeah, yeah, like social services a lot of stuff, right? Yeah, so I don't know what bullshit this woman's been telling you Yeah, and then the guys like this. Okay. Well, I feel like you have some unresolved things and I'll just leave you to it Okay, and my mother said as he was leaving she went oh for fuck's sake Danny. It was the 70s. We all beat our kids

Wow That was the 70s like because I remember my mom hitting me in supermarkets Yeah, open hand slap in a supermarket. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and you're like you can't do that now Yeah, and then I would I would go to school with a bloody lip same. I but also even like threatening I remember being threatened out loud in front of other people like wait till we get home and everyone cheering for my mother Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you wait. Oh, yeah, go get her when you got home and they would all celebrate each other's beating When you got yeah, when you got when you got hit. I remember distinctly being hit Hitting the cereal all boxes coming down. Yeah, and other parents like this. Oh, so you must have done something wrong

You're in trouble. Yeah. Yeah, but um What's changed though? Well, and also my question to you is is that Because I believe that I wouldn't change anything of my past because everything that happened led up to this moment And I love my life now, right? So it's like did all those events need to happen for me to become a comedian did it? I mean I question these things. I mean, do you think that that but how how Good would your life be if you didn't get naked every day in front of people? I don't do that anymore, man. Then what jokes you got?

Uh, I got I got switches and stuff on my head now, man You know, I used to love walking into a comedy club and I just walk in the back of the room. Oh, Bobby's naked Yeah, and you're doing the manjina One time I remember my brother was out visiting me in Vegas And that's when they used to do that that playboy comedy right the palm Yeah, and I was just in Vegas just I wasn't digging or anything I was just with my brother in Vegas And they used to pull that curtain because it was sometimes just a cabaret bar in the corner

Yeah, they pulled that curtain they they caught the playboy lenses one girl and a bunny outfit, you know, yeah Anyway, so so they you were I go I go oh they go I go who's on tonight your marquee was out the front I go, I know this guy I know this guy will come and watch him and you just had your dick out and was sitting on the lap of some fat person in the front row And uh, and then my brother's like this is your friend is that I go I know him Yeah, yeah, I know but I didn't even see you. I walked in. I went all right Let's go do whatever we do. Yeah, but the worst one I had was this I was at Carolines and one night it was raining

The terrible I was eating it with my jokes. And so I get naked. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. It was raining Caroline's is a basement club. How does the rain play into this? It was a stormy night It was stormy and people didn't come. Oh, okay. That's what I'm right, right? It wasn't it didn't affect the mood of the audience It was just like, you know, if they said you sold out, but only half the room was there And it was a dreadful night Sure, and I closed with this thing where I got naked, right? It ate it worse than the jokes Like there were it seemed desperate. I think you should still keep going. I'm being serious here

I I always liked that you got naked. It was something bold about it And also I know if I start doing that I get cancelled right away. I get cancelled right away But your grandfather didn't as he's been nude for years. Oh, you think I'm grandfather today You can show your dick to anyone that's I'm thinking about it. Wow, you know, I've been I that's what but let me finish the story. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah So I'm eating it, right? I thought that was the story. No No, no, it gets worse

So I gather up my clothes, right? And I'm walking toward the back and I see somebody leaning against the wall in front of the green room It was chris rock Right, and he and he's naked Not naked and he looks at me and he goes, what are you doing, man? Oh, and I I remember going I don't know and I walked in the green Chris Rockaway says everything twice. What are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah, that's how we said it. It was it was I remember that distinctly that night. It was a horrible night. Anyway, what are you gonna say?

Um, it never comes off sexual when when I When you get naked. Oh, yeah, when I'm naked, it's very sexual Awkwardly so. Yeah. Yeah. Hemorrhoids hanging out my asshole Yeah, what do you mean by that? No, it's like when I see you if I'm a wreck naked around like George or Gilbert It's always such like a silly childlike I just don't I feel like being 51 and behaving in that way look right for 51. Thanks buddy. Appreciate it I just feel like it's just not my thing anymore. It feels weird for me Like I don't do it on stage. It's like I it's just you know, I just feel like I have I've grown past that

That's like me not wearing leather jackets anymore It's the same thing you think exactly the same it's the same thing You don't wear leather jackets. I still wear them every now and again. Yeah, sometimes I've got a whole wardrobe of leather jackets And then sometimes I'll put one on just to go out and I'm like, fuck you look like Jim Jeffries right now Like that's annoying Like it's just it was one of those branded things. I'll tell you my favorite leather jacket story, right? So So, uh, dr. Drew He was here last week. Yeah, he had a charity. He's always got he's always hitting you up for something

And he had a he had a charity and he's like, oh if you could donate something and blah, blah, blah And all the things like a pair of Elton John shoes Right, or I think, you know, they were all stuff and I'm like, I don't know if anyone wants anything You know, so there was a leather jacket that I wore in one of my specials So I gave the leather jacket and I signed the inside of it And I gave a dvd of me wearing the jacket and like, you know, great. Yeah, whatever for the auction Okay, and it was a silent auction and I watched it over the course of weeks and I love that jacket And I thought what a selfless thing of me giving this

And I was watching it It was going to go for less than what I paid for it. So I bought the jacket back Really? Yeah, fuck it. I love that. Wow. It fits me perfectly. Yeah, how much was it? I think I paid like I think the jacket was About a thousand bucks and I think I bought it back for 400 or something And you the money goes to the thing. Yeah, the money went to the charity. I thought I'd get me jacket back Yeah, never watched the dvd Yeah, speaking of dr. Drew, you know your question earlier about like would I have become the person I I am today?

If it wasn't for the fact that I got beat But he always says this thing two words and it's assets and liabilities So it's like there is even at the worst beating you ever receive. There's an asset about that have happened to you Like there's always a silver lining like even when I think about my mom being the most monstrous person There is an asset to how I adapt it in life. Yeah, you're right But there's a liability as well, which is you're a fucking traumatized adult and you know, you get into addictions or whatever Whatever, I feel like the the cards that I was handled. I played them the best way you could maybe Do you feel that or no? Yeah, I think I think I played my hand pretty good

Yeah, because a lot of times with people with our history, they go a different way Yeah, there's a fine line between me and a homeless person I feel that I do. I really do. I really do. I really think and if I didn't do this job I don't know what other job would fucking do It was the only but I tell you this my two brothers are both very successful in their fields Well, one of us a cop where he's high up in the police force. Oh, he's a sergeant He's like an inspector or something. Oh, wow. Wow And then what was your other brother doing? My other brother developed shopping centers around the world. Wow

So, but you guys were all resilient as kids because you guys got you all got beat Well, there was a lot of we all have very good work ethics because our parents were upset. My parents were more Obsessed with you having a job then getting good grades at school. I had a job at 11. What was it? It was a paper round, but but then then at 12 I was working at the news agency fucking emptying garbage and lifting things up and down A lift with like But and I'm like Fucking 12 who wants and also remember like a boss just ordering me around Yeah, I couldn't tell a 12 year old to do anything

I couldn't just go pick up that stuff go get him off like what the fuck was all that about Yeah, and so I did that and then I worked at McDonald's at 14 Wow, and I worked there for uh, a couple of years and then I worked as at a butchers from 16 Wow, and uh, I was I was remember like being 16 and cutting up fucking pigs in half on a bandsaw You know when there's big, right? Yeah Like this guy this doesn't feel like I haven't I haven't done any training Wow No safety

Yeah, just a band saw you know you always had that workout that well my parents made you but that's why now I think about retirement You know I think about like because I could bury a lot of people during covid were like I gotta get back out there I gotta do this and I loved my job. I love doing stand up and I really enjoy doing game shows and I I'd enjoy acting if I got more work, you know what I mean, but but um I can fucking sit on my ass and do nothing and be very happy like that the covid I loved it Me too me me and the wife Like we were you know dating at the beginning of covid and by the end of covid we she was pregnant and we were married and we just

Enjoyed each other's company so much on that sofa that it was just like I guess this is what we're gonna do now We did we did yeah It was it was the opening up of the world that ruined you Yeah, yeah, maybe oh my god. Oh my god, maybe because we were so cocooned and locked in during covid Like that movie, but the problem all people are yeah, yeah Not like the movie cocoon was that what you were yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nothing like that Isn't and there was aliens and a swimming pool. Oh, that was a good movie though. It was a good movie. Yeah Was Ron Howard did it?

Uh, probably I think Ron Howard directed it. Yeah, great movie. Who else was isn't that that guy from steve guttenberg? Jessica tanny. She was in it. Yeah the guy with the moustache. Remember you look like one of the muppets Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's his name? Okay, look up the cast of cocoon. Okay. Okay, so just show me that guy in cocoon Right, I'm gonna I'm gonna do so. Yeah. Hey that bobblehead there with the with the little round head My dad has that sitting in front of his tv That's fucking madness. I've never seen another one Okay Wilford brimley wilford brimley that guy there, right?

Go close. He was one of the old blokes now now get the shot of him in cocoon get a photo of him in cocoon Because I think he's younger than us What? Yeah, he was just one of those blokes. Wait, wait in cocoon in cocoon. He was younger than you and I okay So what's his birthday? He was born in 1934. What year's cocoon? And he was one of the old blokes Can you just google what how old was what's what's the name during cocoon or no? Oh

cocoon was 1985 1985 so what's that 85 minus 34 he was Yeah, he was 50 when they filmed it Geez before he was younger than he was younger than you and I always thought and he was one of the geriatrics in cocoon That needed to swim in the water to get the alien blood to make him feel young again. Wow. How how would you even think of that? You think about that shit when you're watching a fucking movie. No, it's just I someone told me he was oh like No, that was the thing is I don't think he's dead. He's I think he said 2020 he passed Okay, so he passed in 2020 when he died

That's right when he died because you're like shouldn't he be dead because jessica tandy driving miss daisy He'd be dead for fucking ever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like like that must have felt bad when he was 50 And he's on set with the 80s. I know and he's just walking around like fucking ill. I look terrible Yeah, but white, but don't you think that's a white thing? I feel like if you're white you have that special gift, but I'm I'm four years away from cocooning Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but uh, but you you're right. Maybe yeah, but there are some whites You have to admit that don't look as good when they're 15 Yes, but also I can't there's some Asians. Yeah, you can. Oh, can I? Yeah, I didn't know I was around. There are some asians

That's three of them here. Yeah Three. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. I see three whites versus three Asians. Let's go my my my wife my wife's Indian Great. So I feel like do I get to play the Indian card? Do I ever get to sell it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have a mixed race child I love it. You're a part of the crew. Yeah in a fucking civil war. You're right. My kid came out white as fuck, man I talk about this on the special Yeah, she really wanted a brown baby something horrible Yeah, and he came out. I saw the baby crowning And I was like, it's not gonna be happy about this. Yeah

They're both boys. Oh, they're both boys. Yeah. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. So so I got I got two little boys But yeah, like the the the baby I had with the Indian girl is whiter than the one I had with the blonde Canadian Oh, wow So I don't know. I've got some strong ass white jeans. Yeah, you're very white. Yeah, I'm very white. I like it I'm very white. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're a good white white white. Okay. Go ahead I have an argument about Asians Oh my god, here we go. Staying young forever. Yeah, I watch a show called bling empire. Yeah, who doesn't Yeah, I there are a lot of people there that look way older than they actually are

And I think when Asians get too much work done, it almost does the opposite. Oh, yeah, they're not good with work Yeah, they get in the higher cheekbones and stuff at all. It looks insane It's insane. But there's also the idea that like when some of them like they they fall off the cliff very quickly the Asians They go straight to Confucius like That is right that's a good band. No, no, I think Straight to Confucius I think several comics have said this statement. I'm not the first guy. No, I used to do a joke about it Yeah, right. We shrivel up overnight, you know, my mom looked like, you know, Lucy Liu from 80 years or whatever

And then one day she woke up as you know, I mean, whatever the name oh Yoda And do you have like a black don't crack slogan? Do you have one for Asians? Asians don't raise them, I think Asians don't raise them You're right. We do shrivel up overnight. I wonder what that would be Someone should do a fucking scientific study about that. Australians age badly Not me. Not me because I yeah, the sun's the sun's harsh. There's no ozone layer over Australia. Yeah Skin cancer is the number one cancer in Australia number one cancer in Australia And I have to say this too about Australians. Those are the white women. I get a lot of DMs from Australians. We have

Asians we have a lot of Asians. No, the whites. No, no, we have a lot of Asians in Australia Oh, so you're conditioned to like us. Yes, like so similar to how there's Mexicans and Latinos and stuff in LA. Yeah, Sydney's got that amount of Asian population We're in Asia. Asia's just above us indonesia. Yeah, I know I've seen a map. Yeah. No, no, but I mean Yeah, I mean so when you talk about people coming over the border boat people whatever There's boats coming down to really harsh bits of Australia and if they land in the wrong spot, they're fucked because it's just desert Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the northern part. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, you've like when I was in Melbourne, I would say

Way more diverse than LA even Well, do you know that Melbourne has the Is the second highest Greek population of any city on earth next to Athens And that's including other Greek cities That's insane. Yeah, we have Greeks everywhere in Melbourne. Probably great Greek restaurants. Very good great great great great food The food in Australia is great. A lot of Lebanese. I went to a lot of great Lebanese restaurants there. Yeah, a lot of Lebanese, yep I want to do a tour there. We'll do it. Yeah, I can hook you up with a guy. Really? Yeah, maybe Andrew and I will do it Sure. Yeah. Yeah, but like it depends how big you want to go

Like I can get you into comedy clubs and do the tour of the clubs right away, but if you want to do like I reckon you could do, you know, if we do what we could do when we do theaters here. So maybe How's your podcast go down there? Really what right then your algorithms then you're fucking crushing it. Yeah There's a lovely theater in Sydney that I always do the end more how big how many seats that one's just 1200 seats Oh, we could do that for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and it's and it's a real old school out deco-y type of Let me ask you about Australia because when I went to King's Cross, yeah in Sydney in Sydney I had sex with somebody. Yeah, I paid money for yeah

Yeah, they're they're legal legalized prostitution in Australia. It is. Yeah. Yeah. So is there brothels? Yeah, everywhere. It's legalized everywhere. I know, but there's an actual like a Here's my idea and you walk in and you don't need to show your ID. Why would you have to show your idea? You're buying a drink there No, I mean you can I could be 12 and walk in there. No, you're not 12 Oh, I know. Okay. So you're right. You're right. You're raisin enough All right. So yeah, I'm raisin enough, right? So I walk in there and is it what is it like they make a shower Okay, I've never been but I'll tell you what I've heard. That's what I want to hear. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I've been Yeah, yeah, so so you'll be put in a room

and what kind of room I'm a rotating one. What do you mean a rectangle? No The environment is no, I know I don't care about the symmetry of it. Okay. There's a I want to know the obvios These are candles. No, no, you'll go into like a little room just with a couch and that'll be the meeting area, right? And then the girls will come in one at a time and say hi. I'm blah blah blah. Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you Hello, hello, and then the madam will come in and go that's all of our girls for this evening Because there'll be anywhere from two to 20. Oh, yeah. Okay. They're good up to 40 50 and some of the bigger But yeah, oh, wow, right, but normally eight

Okay, okay He's a lot because I don't make a decision. There's another five that are having sex right now You know, I mean they're in the rooms because you're not the only clientele. They're not but can I can I say this? Can I wait for the five? Yeah, you want to do that lineup? You want the full lineup? I want the full lineup. Okay. Yeah. Yeah I don't look on James. They will say the Michael Jordan's of the fucking processor in the room or they will say this Oh, such and such is about to finish in 10 minutes or blah blah blah And then there's other ones where you go in

And then they'll just go after a room Then there's other ones you go in that are like a bar and all the women are in like evening Get like those ones are normally lingerie. They'll walk in and lingerie But then there'll be all the girls will be like evening gowns and there'll be a pool table. There'll be a couple of video games ping pong No, okay That'd be cool. Yeah. Yeah, I would be at everyone in there. Of course. Yeah. Anyways Not everyone. Australia's got a lot of Asians

But it's important to me the ambiance. So so you get you go in And uh, then it's just like a like almost like a strip club more But not like a strip but like the girls will come up and say, hey, you having a fun time What are you up to blah blah blah blah blah? And you know, you can chat you can spend like an hour in there before you select the girl because you can sort of see Which one you have a bit of a vibe with or right or whatever. Okay. Is it expensive? No No, not for you. What American how many American dollars you think it's been a long time, but you're still 300 or 400 dollars No, you're about 400 500 american. All right. All right. All right. Yeah, I have a question

The two strip clubs that I went to in melbourne. Um, you couldn't Give real money. You had to like get like tokens or like fake money Okay, the reason for that is the queen is on our money and we will not put the queen against the woman's cunt No, no, that's Trust this guy The queen's being taken off our five dollar note. We're because like we have to get rid of the queen We still have her on the coins. Yeah, we have her on the five. Yeah, and she's being taken off the five And we were meant to put charles on and they went now. Fuck it because charles isn't going to be there that long

What are we going to change notes again? And so I think they're putting on um an Aboriginal lady now good It's a random one or no a historical one. Yeah. Yeah a famous one. Yeah But not all strip clubs are like that then it's just the two that I went to um, mate I'm not a big strip club guy. I don't know but I'll tell you I I used to do a story about the taking my friend with musculoskeletal Disruptive to a brothel and that was the daily planet in Melbourne and that was like a storefront that had the big daily planet like globe Rotating it. Why I could feel like Clark Kent. Yeah. Yeah, but that's great

But we we went in there we went in there and I told a whole I did a whole sitcom based on this right we took him in there friend of mine's brother and and uh And we got him a blowjob and sadly he's passed away now and everything and then so after that I have And so this was the first time he was ever going to have sex and musculoskeletal is a terrible thing your whole body wastes away, you know all your muscles waste away and uh And then afterwards I told the story a billion times on stage and then I and his parents never liked me And they still don't know because they refused to watch my comedy because it's smart. Thank god anyway, so yeah, so uh, so so then it like it uh years later

he's still alive and I come back and I'm like, uh I'm like, I'm like, uh, I'm like, mate. Thank you so much for that story. I go. I've made a lot of money off that story That's that's the best thing that ever happened to me. That's Yeah, and he said to me he goes, yeah, you should uh, you should probably take me again then, you know Bloody you've made enough money. I said, you know what? You're right. Let's go. Yeah So we call up the special disabled taxi. We get him back into the thing We drive off to the brothel. We're gonna do it again and I'm like, I'm a good person This this will be like the second time he's ever, you know, he got his blowjob like that, right? Yeah

We walk in and they all treat him like norm from cheers Wow They were like, Dave, it turns out he does this sob story to everyone. He's there about once a fucking week Oh, wow What a piece of shit. I've got a mug with his name on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Jim Jeffries is what we do is we do an unhelpful advice and they ask us a question and we can answer or whatever Sure. Is it or is it rapid fire? This one is actually uh, it's going deep with Jim Jeffries Ask a question

People have sent us some like facts about you that maybe other people don't know. Uh, just wanted to maybe talk about it a bit Uh, you actually went to school for opera singing and didn't I is that true? I did. Yeah I studied musical theater straight out of university and then I I couldn't I was like I was on a full scholarship So I had to sing and dance and stuff in the audition they auditioned like 3000 people and gave 30 spots, right? And it was full government funded like if you were it was like being in fame Right, it's the same place that Hugh Jackman went and studied and became a triple threat And so so I'm like I'm at this university called whopper the west Australian academy of performing arts

Right and I'm at whopper and and it's like I'm not passing tap man Oh, right. I am not passing tap. I can't fucking do this shit I'm like in my home with tap shoes on in my underwear I can only bet hungover is all fucked trying to figure out me And I'm fucking partying every night and I'm just I'm about to be knocked out of the unit because it's like the fucking It's like the hunger games man. You get cold Right, it's like squid games that they cull people and by the end of about 10 people graduate out of the 30 Yeah, and I was about to get culled and so I

But I was passing singing very well And so I swapped over to the opera course for my final year And so I did so I was in the Australian opera for two productions And I sang in the I think I'm the only person to ever sell out the the cine opera house as a comedian And perform there as an opera singer, but I don't I Oh, well, I don't know where that stat would be, but I assume I'm pretty sure you're right I must be there. Yeah, you gotta be there's no statue or anything There should be there should be a plot. I know exactly something

Well, I didn't know you could sing. I can't anymore. I've had I'm not gonna ask you I've had nodule surgery twice Right. Oh shit. Yeah, so if you think went, hey, we want you in a musical If I if I trained up from music I can still sing in tune. That's good. So that's half your battle I I could I could Rex Harrison a performance. All right, okay You know, I think you could do it, right? I could I could do a musical But I don't have my voice would hold up for eight shows a week. Not in a movie. I'm a movie. Yeah Yeah, yeah, no one's calling for that though. How do you know there's no there's no new la la land where they go

Yes, here that Jim Jeffries could sing but I heard he failed tap But yeah, it was it was a very bizarre thing and then what happened to me was I my parents really liked it because there was something highfalutin about and I came from very working class family And so my mother it was a very Braggable thing that I was doing opera scene Right. Oh gross. Anyway, so so I I There was a guy called Gary who was a comedian who was off the telly in Australia And I just started doing comedy and he said, hey, do you want to come on the road with me?

I'm doing all these gold mining towns. Yeah, and I quit university that day because of this opportunity We will never come again. Yeah. Yeah, and I quit to do stand-up comedy. I didn't tell my parents for eight months I said I was still at university kept on just saying I was still there and I was living in Perth doing stand-up comedy Wow And then I said to my parents I'm moving England And I said I saved up somebody I'm moving to England and that was I was gone. Was it disappointing to them? um, my mother was disappointed but um

Fucking hell man, you know, I made a lot of money doing stand-up comedy and over the years I've paid for a lot of things. Yeah, you know every time she was disappointed. I told her to look at the Mercedes and her big Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm sure they were proud. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah my dad my dad always dug it my mom my mom I couldn't have her sit in the audience because she was she was on oxygen at the end And she's 300 pounds and she would sit there just and I'd done so many jokes about her. Everyone knew who she was Yeah, it's you always like the grandiose like my son's performing. Excuse me. Excuse me everyone She would push past people. Yeah, but there's something about my mother

I've never told this on a podcast and my my wife does this to me almost about once a week. She'll do this to me I said to my mom. I said it's gonna be fine. I'm gonna go off and do comedy and maybe I'll do some acting I kept on saying I'll be an actor as well, which there was no intention of being an actor So I just say there was some type of more artistic thing in her mind And so I'd packed my bag and I was leaving England and this was September 12th after the towers it fell well because I remember and Uh, I was going through security and they weren't letting people through security there My my mother was on the on the other end and as I left and my my real name is Jeffrey Nugent

It's Jeffrey James Nugent and I changed it to Jim Jefferies I changed it Jeffrey James for a week and then I changed it to Jim Jefferies Because the first time I got introduced on the stage is Jeffrey Nugent because it's Jeffrey with a G Someone said please will the stage Godfrey Nugget And I went I went this is very snappy for the showbiz. Well, right? And I still have this thought that maybe I'll go into musical theater And if I told dirty jokes, I'll have a different name for that and a different name for the opera singing And we'll see which career works out first. But so anyway

I'm going through security. There's people everywhere. And then I just hear Jeffrey And I turn around with my bag and my mother with tears in her eyes went come back a star She said that out loud. I yelled it. Oh my god, yelled it across the airport. And what was your face like like? Yeah, yeah, right now. I didn't tell anyone that years in years I've never told on a podcast But I told it to my wife once and now when my why I leave the house every now and again if my wife's like the other end of The house tradition come back a star I

Can I call you Jeffrey then? Why that's your name. I got one brother who's still done. All right, I'll call you and my dad still does it Did your wife call you Jeffrey? No, no, no, Jim still. Yeah, Jim. Yeah. Wow And my kids have my stage name is their last name because I thought I got too confusing I know I don't cause me Jeffrey Nugent anymore. Wow, okay Your kids last names is Jeffrey's. Yeah, amazing. Yeah, you got legally changed I never got myself legally changed because I like having two names. It gets you out of trouble every now and again Yeah, it's like it's like when you want to make a complaint and you don't want people to know who you are

You know, Jeffrey Nugent. I'm very upset. Yeah, so they don't tweet that you're an asshole And then when you want a privilege or whatever you say the other name or whatever, you know, it gets you a different situation Wow, I did not know there's so many things. I did not know about you today Did you ever consider having a second name or a different name stage name stage name? Never. I know that Mitzi Shore used to Um, change people's names for them Right, so there was this guy named Jackie Graham

He showcased and she after the show she went your new name is janky banana and you have to wear a yellow suit Yeah, so every he had to change his name. He wore a yellow suit Another guy, um, Carlos Mencia was another one. He went up as Ned Holman. She goes your new name is Carlos Mencia Wow, but she kept doing that. I knew that about her. So I in conversations They said it's after three minutes. You're fucked. Your name will be changed. So I kept the thing and shit Fuck Bobby Lee is a great name. Thank you. Yeah, it's a great, but she would she would have your new name is tamayo I would have thought that Bobby Lee wasn't your real name I would have thought that you might have had an asian name or or lee was your middle name and then there's bruce lee, of course

There is him, of course, yeah Yeah, no, I'd never changed it. You know, I didn't know what else Bobby Lee would be his like parody character blobby Yeah, Bruce lee over eight at christmas You'd say to his kids. I'm blobby lee What do you want you want to promote anything I got a special come out 14th of february called high and dry netflix my fifth netflix special amazing high and dry netflix check it out

This comes out next week. Yeah So everyone listening right now fucking check out jim's fucking special I recorded it in Toronto I originally I wanted to call it hawaii Netflix wouldn't let me they go you have no jokes about hawaii. Okay. Yeah, but I like hawaii And whenever I see the word hawaii, I cheer up a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, and I'm like, they go, but you're recording in Toronto I go, that's what makes it funny Jim Jeffries hawaii live from Toronto. What island do you like good? I just I go to Maui and I got a Honolulu. I've been to all the other ones, but now when I go back

I just go to those two. Yeah, I fucking I my blood pressure goes down. I feel calmer. Yeah, go in I'm always happy there. I'm never miserable and the the kids are always happy there as well Yeah, they're always like it's just such a good holiday and you know what it feels like you're overseas, but you still got the same fucking cash That's the shit. It's the best. Where's my passport? Who gives a fuck? Yeah, yeah, it's the same rules. You know what the laws are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's the same shit. Yeah. Yeah And it's like you go after like Thailand or something like that and then like be careful and be careful with the water and do Do that and it's like beautiful and the results are lovely and it's cheap as chips and it's really nice, but Hawaii I gotta why like 50% of me holidays what restaurants do you go to because we have some we like where do we like

No, you only go to the boiling crab. No I like merrimans. No, you don't eat it. I don't trust your food choices. Why why it's a Kick in the lady. That's the thing is with people is like when you date someone that you don't trust them with food I got a mate. I don't trust him with food. Yeah, if he says oh this restaurant Yeah, I'm that guy. I'm that fucking guy. I have no I'm complex All of the food the great suggestions you give other people are places. I've suggested to you Fuck you, but if you come I just don't know what you're acting like right now. I can't Hey, I think you said that one quite well

But okay, so so my wife's my wife's a vegan And so but she has really good taste in restaurants and she always orders like we don't go to vegan restaurants We do occasionally you got a hope I don't go to vegan. She has friends. She goes to vegan. Right. Right. We go to restaurant If it's her birthday or something we'll go out to a vegan restaurant or whatever But she knows that the michelin starry restaurants and all that are better than when they're not vegan or or a good steakhouse we'll still have something she wants to eat there and and Uh, but my wife it's always the same. She always orders the the mushroom pasta with

Yeah, but I tell you what she knows food man. She knows food. Hope she says a restaurant I trust and she's not one of these vegans who Um, doesn't miss meat where I could never put meat in my body. She misses meat every day She's like a non-smoker watching you smoke a cigarette. Ah, she just does it because she thinks she shouldn't I don't think we should okay. Have you ever eaten at adela's? What See what is adela's check it out. It's an it's an oahu. It's one of your hippie joints. It's not a hippie It's a hole in the wall. You're a tiny Japanese woman. No adela's is where it's at

What about that Asian place you took me through that was great the the the reinvented I think the food's slightly better here You know later than hawaii. I think it's slightly better the restaurant. The locals are like poke and the poke I know I like poke. I like all the people. Let's be honest. What poke is poke Just the shittest sushi chef ever. He just fucked it up completely. Right. He was cutting big chunks of me And he's just like I'm doing this with a little hatchet Yeah, right and then just you got the rice, right? That was his crowning glory

Yeah, and then he threw that and put some wasabi put some ginger put it put it all in a bowl Yeah, it's delightful. But yeah Yeah, any time a food can be done by teenagers on a on a fucking on a line. Yeah, it's not a high concept food Yeah, you're right. You can't go the poke is really good. Yeah. Yeah the guy who scooped the fish next to the girl who's scooped the rice Yeah, do you go to Asanibo? I do. I love that place. Yeah. Good sushi. Yeah, it's good sushi. I give Jim A round of applause. That was amazing. Oh, that's what we're doing. That's all we do, man. All right. Yeah. Yeah, you killed it I don't think Korean food's the best food man barbecue the kimchi number one. Yeah. Yeah

What do you mean the barbecue You gotta take them out. You gotta take them out. Yeah Yeah, I gotta take you to the top one in Korea like like then you gotta Japan the food's outstanding Yeah, but listen Jim Jim Jim. You want to get on the mic? Get on the mic. Get on the mic. We're not mic'ing yet. I'm back Just real quick. I get this point. All right. All right. Is that we know Korean dudes, right? Yeah That say that that LA has the best Korean food on planet earth. Yeah, even more so than Korea than Korea Well, Australia claims that for Thai food And I'll do you believe them? No, no the Thai food in Australia is that snack?

But the Thai food in Thailand is also outstanding But the argument is it's exactly the same recipe, but we have better produce in Australia. Ah You guys have better coffee for sure. We're the best coffee in the world. Yeah, that's bullshit. It's so true Not even close. How do you know I have Italian friends who say the coffee in Italy Shit in comparison to the coffee in Australia. It's the coffee culture. Yep. All right, but Colombians feel that way I swear. Do you Bobby know better coffee than Australian coffee? I don't think I'd know the difference. You would know you do It's just like they open up Starbucks across Australia. They went about three lift. Wow. Oh, they were Australia went. No, no, no We've got our coffee. Wow

Proud Mary. I did not know that But anyway, we got to take you to a Korean restaurant in Korea in Korea town. I mean Korea town. Yeah And I would have to say mind it not a Korean barbecue spot But just like the real like stews and other things. I like Indonesia's food as well. I do too. Yeah So you're saying what do you think the best Asian food is then? um I'm gonna say Thai Yeah, I think Thailand's Thailand's got your beat Thailand anything on the menu. I'm obsessed with yeah Thailand

I'm just like it's so good and like even like the room service pad Thai. You're like, this is the best fucking pad Yeah, it's room. So I'm not even in a special restaurant. They're like, oh, you got to go this one. I'm like, I'm happy in my room They give you a little pot of sugar and a little pot of nuts and a little pot of chili so you can do the Yeah, yeah, bloody good, man. Really good. So you're saying Thai food is Thai food. Number one. Okay. Number two Uh, I think Japanese food in Japan's got more Michelin star restaurants anyway We're talking street food, but you get a ramen at like one of those places in Japan Yeah, where it's like we're only do 50 pots a day and there's people lined up and it's just be like $12 or whatever Yeah, fucking the best ramen you've ever eaten. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay buy that

I buy it you convinced me. What's three? We're not in three Indonesia man, nasi goreng We don't need a mantle. Can we get fourth? Sure. Yeah, beat vietnam You beat far. Yeah, you beat far dude. We beat far dude. Yeah. Yeah. You beat us. Were you beat Filipino food? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you Filipino? Yeah, I'll tell you a story when we get up Next time guys, we'll finish it. All right

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