TigerBelly - Episode 1: Too Much Foreskin and Fungusfoot

Episode Date: September 17, 2015

Bobby wants in-the-flesh proof of the world's largest penis. Up close. We talk homicidal tendencies: machete vs. ice pick vs. butterknife. Bobby has a serious man crush and wants to give him a special kind of "hello." Meth is the best.   Music by Bobby Lee Recorded September 1, 2015   Instagram: @tigerbelly Twitter: @thetigerbelly    See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. Hello, my name is Bobby Lee and you're listening to Tiger Belly. This is our first episode and this is my co-host. My name's Kalyla. Hi. And she is my co-host and also my lover. And we also have an engineer. He doesn't want to use his real name.

So I'm just going to make up something right now. You're going to be... Foreskin. Brown skin. Foreskin. Yeah. Foreskin G. Why?

I don't know. I have foreskin. He's the only Filipino who's not circumcised. You're not circumcised at all? I'm not. What does that actually mean, though? Circumcision is removal of the foreskin. Yeah, but I don't know what it really means.

I never really... Well, circumcision, I mean, for a lot of people, it was... In the Philippines, people get... We call it tuli. Yeah. Tuli is... If you don't get tuli, you're basically humiliated, made to feel humiliated. Let me ask you this.

I sometimes watch porn and some guys have the penis where they have the turtle head that sticks out of their face. Yeah, it's like a sweater. What's that? It's a sweater. What is that called? That's foreskin. I don't want it. You don't have it.

I know, but I don't ever want that. It's not going to grow, Bobby. I know, but when you let me know if it starts doing that, because I will get an operation. Oh, speaking of which, speaking of a lot of foreskin, there's this guy in Mexico who has a 19.5 inch penis. And so he's approached the Guinness World Records or because he's like really poor and he's like unemployed. He's 52. And so he's like receiving like government aid because basically like he's rendered useless because his dick is just so big, right?

But so he has a 19.5 inch penis, but then the circumference of his head alone is 10 inches. It's like a beer can. Okay. So Khalilah said that to me a couple of days ago, but this man, and I looked up online and there's no photos of his penis online. There is. There's an x-ray image. I don't want to see an x-ray.

Okay. That could be anything. No, it can't. Yeah, because that could be like Wolverine's x-ray in the first X-Men movie. You could obviously see it's like a human. Yeah. It could be anybody though. I don't know if it's this guy.

Why would this guy come out with a story? He's like a sad man who can't even have sex. I don't feel bad for him because let me tell you this. Mine is virtually a clit, right? And it's like, you know what I mean? It's not fair. Right, right. So it's like he's crying that he has the greatest thing on earth.

No, because it's soft at 19.5. Well, that's his problem. Like imagine if it was actually to like, if blood were to actually like flow into it, how much bigger it would get. It doesn't flow? I'm not sure. I don't think so. But I would assume he would probably pass out if he had an erection because all that shunting

of that blood in one area of your body would cause like some type of like low blood pressure elsewhere. He'd probably pass out. So let's say if he was a dwarf and he had that big of a penis, you'd probably die. Like all the blood from his body would probably go into this penis and then he would die from starvation. No. Blood.

I mean, if that's how you like to, you know, think of things. What? I'm not a doctor. Why would? Yeah. I'm not a doctor. Neither am I. We would have to ask, you know, that guy's doctor.

So okay, cool. So he's going to get a reduction? Um, no. So that's what I was saying, like the foreskin. So the doctor, there's a doctor who was like, oh, most of it is just foreskin. Let's just lop it off. Yeah. It's disgusting.

It's really sad. Anyways, um, I want to let you guys know that this is actually our fourth attempt at the first episode. Yeah. I kind of want to start over already. Can we just, I literally want to start over already. Can we just, I'm going to keep going. I'm going to keep going.

Yeah. But I just like, I just don't like the way it began with with a 19 point. Yeah. I just don't, you can't open up like a brand new podcast with it, that a Mexican man's penis. Okay. I'll tell you why this is our fourth attempt at our first, I like the first one, the very first one.

Yeah. No, we were talking shit about everybody. That's what I like. That's what I want this podcast to be. It was you for a whole hour interrogating me about my ex-boyfriend. Yes. And that's what people want to hear. And then we re-recorded it and we were like, we're not going to bring up the ex-boyfriends

and then you did the exact same thing. I might do it again right now. Can you not? I'm not going to, but I want to. I would desire to. I'm letting, the only reason you can't is remember that one of those guys really wants me dead. Okay.

So it's my, my blood in your hands. Okay. Well, I'm not going to do it. If you say his name. Uh-huh. Can I call him what I've been calling him? Whatever you've been calling him. The Australian Bane.

Can I just say that? That's what he looks like. He looks like Bane without the mask. His body is like huge and bulbous and he crushed the dark knight's back, you know, with his knee. Yeah. He looks ferocious. Yeah.

And then the other guy, I'm going to name his name, but he's a soccer player, a very handsome professional soccer player. And yet you have to understand Gilbert Brown skin, foreskin, foreskin, I apologize because I don't want to use your real name, but it's out there now. So Gilbert Brown skin, foreskin, um, that this I'm intimidated because I'm, if you just, if people know me, they've seen my body and my body is absolutely disgusting. It's, there's, you don't even know where my shoulder and my stomach began. They just blend together like you can't name parts of my body is that part of his body

or his neck. Is that a torso or a kneecap? Exactly. Yeah. I just have this, I'm just a yellow mass of flesh and I feel bad and then, and then like I look at your boyfriends and they're all like athletes and athletic and they probably have big penises like the Mexican guy and I just feel very threatened by it. That's all.

That's why I bring it up. I'm threatened. I've been with you for two years now. I don't know why. So you, you won. You've been winning. Well, okay. Do you know what I mean?

I never, I was never even exclusive with those guys. I know. It was just for fun. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So you got that out of your way. The good looking guys.

I got it. And this is real. And you know what? This is real life. And I've told you this before. I'd like to think, I like to think that I have an avant garde taste in men. I'm very experimental. I've been through phases.

So in high school, I dated cholos, you know what I mean? And I went through, I took a white boy to prom and then I just kept dating white boys through college. And then my last, my guy after that was black. And then I went for the Spanish and then I moved over to, you know, the Lebanese. And then now I'm, you know, trying out the Koreans. Little Korean people. Little, little Korean people.

It's good. I don't think that's a bad thing. I like to taste the rainbow. Okay. That's good. That's a good thing. That's a good thing. I'm an equal opportunity employer.

So the other night, something happened. I didn't tell you about it, but I'm going to tell you now. And I feel really bad about it. And I want to know if it's the right way to handle the situation. So I get off stage, I'm at the comedy store. It's Saturday night. I think it was Sunday. And I, I had a pretty good set and this, this Russian lady comes up to me and she goes,

Oh my God. I don't know how to do an Russian accent. Oh my God. Oh my God. I said, Oh my God, Oh my God, no, she just basically said, I think you're hilarious. I go, thank you. And she goes, I want you to write for me. I go, write what?

She goes, I have a YouTube channel. I go, Oh, Oh, and she goes, I go, how many followers do you have? I have 2,200 followers, right? Which is in the scheme of things, not that much, right? No, not enough to approach a comedian who is doing a set at the comedy store and ask them to write. Right. So then I said to her, I go, I'm sorry, but that's just not what I do.

I don't, first of all, I have my own YouTube channel. How many followers do I have? I don't know. I think you're definitely in the hundreds of thousands. Yeah. And I don't even write for that. You don't even write for yourself. I don't even write for myself, let alone, and it's like, so I was trying to explain

that to her and I felt like she was being offended. Like why won't you write for me? You know, is there like a, is there a language barrier? Like she didn't speak English that well. No, she's, no, she just had an accent and it was just like one of those things where I felt like she walked away offended and I felt really bad about it. Like, I can't explain to you that I, like, I don't, I don't want to explain to her. It's like, listen, lady, I make good money doing stand up on the road.

You know what I mean? I've been on TV shows before. I've been money off of that in a couple of movies. I don't write for YouTube channels, but you can't say it that way, right? You kind of have to go, listen, I just, that's not something that I do. And she was actually like visibly, you know, resentful at me. But here's your thing. You always personalize everything because I generally think you're a good guy.

Like if someone asks for a photo with you, you never say no. No, I don't. And when someone asks you, like basically a stranger could come up to you and be like, dude, like, I'm hungry, can I have 80 bucks and you give it? Like you don't even know that fucking person. Yeah, I've done it. Yeah. I think you're extra polite to people that, that you're actually.

But why was she mad? She was mad at the end. But why do you even care? Do you know what I mean? Like most people would say no and then never even remember that incident. Yeah. It's been haunting me for two days. I was like, what's the right way to do it?

You know, maybe it's just in her culture to just give you stink eye, do you know what I mean? You think it's a cultural Russian thing? Yeah. Maybe it's that whole like, you know, you know, Putin influence, you know, they just give you that rageful eye brown skin. Do you see Eastern promises? No.

It was a movie with vehicle murders, mortis and the guy that did. Oh, he's great. He's great. He's a great actor. Yeah. But it's about the Russian mob. He doesn't have foreskin. And there's a scene in it.

He doesn't. No, I don't think so. There's a scene in it where he just fucks somebody up with a knife in a spa. Yeah. So when I'm in a spa, because I go to spas a lot, right? And I see a Russian guy and I always leave. Do you think that they're just feel like they're going to stab me get in a knife fight with you?

Not just like a little knife and just stab me on the side or whatever with an ice pick. Yeah. I just I just really nervous about Russian people in general. I guess what I think that I feel there's no laws or something like I just get scared. But that's just like the Philippines. Like, you know, over here, everybody, if you want to kill somebody, you know, you, you buy a gun, you shoot him up, that it seems to be the American trend, right? But in the Philippines, I'm going to use my cousin as an example.

Let's not use my, my, my murderous uncle as an example, because we already did that before. But in the Philippines, I'm not even kidding you. It's not uncommon for people to get into a disagreement, pick up an ice pick and just start getting into a knife fight. Yeah. So that's why I don't want to ever want to go there. And you're like, let's go every year and it's like, I don't want to get ice picked. But then you know what was funny about this, though, is that they both got arrested, but

they were both had to be taken to the hospital, but in the provincial hospital, they were taken to the, they put both of their beds together. So they woke up next to each other with like stab wounds. Okay. We can't talk about your uncle. We've talked about my uncle. We could bring it up again. Cause that was, you know, her uncle, her uncle, tell, tell, tell, um, brown skin, foreskin

about it. Okay. I can't do both of that. I got it. It's gotta, let's condense. We got to condense his name. I can't fucking do it. Okay.

For skin. Cause he's brown. Okay. You look very brown to me. Thank you. You're welcome. Um, so basically, um, Calila's uncle sawed his other brother in half with, right? He didn't saw him in half.

Hacked him. Hacked him. Killed him with a machete. He, he sliced them in half with a machete, but he didn't use it. What's the difference? You know, there's one thing if you use a machete and there's another if you use a saw. All right. Okay.

He, um, so my bad. So imagine a fucking saw. Yeah. He murdered his own brother because his brother kicked him out of a house. No, Bobby. God, you make him sound so awful. He's my favorite uncle. Just have a little bit of decency.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? All right. So what did he do that? What do you do real quick? So, you know, the uncle that got killed. Yeah. Okay.

So the, the murderous uncle. What's his name? Are we allowed to say it? Yeah. Shout out to my uncle. Carlo. Yeah. I know.

Carlo. Yeah. So I went to and went because when we were in the Philippines, Kaleila was in the hospital and her uncle, Carlo was there, right? And I'm scared because I know about that. He killed somebody. So I was really scared. Like I was shaking, visibly shaking and he walks out to me.

I'm like, oh my God. Here he goes. And you know what he says to me? Take good care of Kaleila. I go, excuse me. What's the worst? Yeah. No, that's what he said.

That's what he sounded like. I go, excuse me. I go, I think he just said, take good care of Kaleila. And when he said that, I imagined him slicing me in half with machete. You know what he said? And I got so scared. You know what he said in Bessiah afterwards after he met you? What did he say?

He said, in Bessiah, he said, you know, let him know that I know I've been in prison for 15 years, but I'm still not afraid to scalp a man. Did he really say that? I swear to God he said that. You swear to God he said that? Yeah. You know, I'm fucking bullshit. But I mean, I think that's just being down for your family.

You know what I mean? That is fucking bullshit. Can I just tell his story? Let me just say this real quick though, okay? Now when I see him, I'm going to be more scared because I love my scalp. No, because I've had my scalp for like, you know, for a very long time. You're attached to the scalp. And I enjoy it.

Yeah. I put like shampoo on it. Yeah. And I wash it out. You know what I mean? I sometimes massage it. I love it. You know, I'm cool with my scalp.

I want it forever. Yeah. I want my scalp forever. Right. In fact, I wanted to say this. I want every one of my body parts with me till the end of time, till I die. My toes. Even the fungus on your feet?

Let's not talk about that. By the way, my left foot has athlete's foot. Okay. So don't even don't look at it. I mean, brown skin. It's bad. It's bad. I have bad athlete's skills.

As a matter of fact, we might have to take a break halfway through this just for him to scratch it. Yeah. Scratch it. Yeah. Talked about my foot in a Santa Monica newspaper. You know who Ed Asner is? He's the old man from up.

Yeah. He's the old man. He's done a lot more things than that. Yeah. He's a legend. A legend. He's also a fucking craziest. Fuck.

We had dinner with him once. I love him. He was like a he was like a mean grandpa. Yeah. But he still talks about my foot. He hated you. But he loved me. Yeah.

He she loved it. He hates me. He he went on a Tom Green show and Bobby was wearing on sandals and then Ed Asner was like, why the fuck would you show up to any like professional setting looking like that? And Bobby's like, oh, I have to air out my foot because I have fungus. And then he visibly scooted away from me. Yeah. In fact, if you ever want to see that, apparently it's the most awkward thing because there

was a weird energy that day and him and I were just very combative. And here's another thing that fuck. I love Ed Asner, but I'm going to say this is I did a fucking pilot with him. Three years before that, I did a pilot with him and Tom Arnold about us three working at a hardware store. I'm not lying. Where I played with him and I, there was storylines where Ed and Asner and I would go out and do cocaine at night.

You know what I mean? I mean, it was like a edgy three camera sitcom. Sounds like an awesome show. Yeah. But they never picked it up. But it was a multi-cam show with yeah. Well with me, Tom Arnold and Ed Asner, as for his dad, and we ran a hardware store. I swear to God.

So then I go, Hey man, it's good to see you again. And he goes, Who are you? And I go, I did a pilot with you. He goes, I don't remember you. I was the third fucking lead. Oh my God. How do you know? Anyway, so talk about.

I'll tell you why his memory is still solid. Why? He remembered your athlete's foot. He did. And he wrote that article a year after he met your athlete's foot. Yeah. So he may not remember everything about you, but he remembers the pertinent details. Oh yeah.

So anyway, talk about your uncle. Why did he kill? Well, let's just fucking backtrack five topics ago now. It's okay. Go ahead. Tell everyone. So my Carlo, my murderous uncle, he had, he has five children. When all of this went down, all of his kids at this point were under the age of 12.

And the one of the younger ones has cerebral palsy or like to a degree. And she also is, well, she has cerebral palsy. So they live in the squatter area in the Philippines as is, right? And the squatter area is like a really, really poor area to begin with. So basically one day, my other uncle who got killed went into his home and he was like, I sold this home because it was under their mother's name, but he got somehow like did some side shit to where he was able to sell the home and profit from it. And he was like, you and your family are on your own.

And my uncle was like, basically understood that as you're killing me. Like you've, you're, you're murdering me because you have no regard for what happens to my children, myself, my wife. I am an electrician. I make fucking like an equivalent of like $2 a day. You're leaving me out in the middle of a rainstorm. And so my uncle took that as you're not my brother anymore and you don't have any love for me.

You don't care what happens to my family. And he went crazy and he took a machete and he killed my under, you know, he, he stabbed my uncle from the back in broad daylight and he like severed his spinal cord and everything. So I'm not saying, yeah, I'm just, yeah, I'm just, I know I fucking sound crazy, but I love him. That's fine. And I love my other uncle too, but it's guess what, and guess what, I want to tell you this and this is the truth, right?

Jeffrey Dahmer's father loved Jeffrey. In fact, he visited Jeffrey all the time in prison. Okay. And Jeffrey Dahmer's father says, I love my son, I fucking believe him, right? But it's crazy. Do you know why he's the uncle I love the most out of all my uncles when I was swimming in the Philippines. And that's basically all my sister and I did, we would swim twice a day, train twice a day.

He was the only guy who ever showed like an earnest interest in me and my sister's life. Yeah. Like he, he was, he almost was like a second father. He's my sister's godfather. And so my mom, we really entrusted this man to, you know, to be like a good man. Like he, my mom, my mom would leave my sister and I with him all the time and he was just a really nice person. My other uncles were a little bit more like aloof, you know, didn't really, we didn't

really like bond that way, but my uncle wouldn't have money often times, but he would, he would, he would. Same thing happened. No, we were good. Where did we stop, it just stopped, right? Can you see what the last thing he said was like, go. So, you know, this guy or my uncle, you know, I just remember him as somebody who I had great memories with, like there, he was just a kind and generous man my whole life.

And that's the only perception that I had of him. And that's the only perception I will continue to have of him. Because when that whole thing in the Philippines happened, I wasn't present for it. I was already in the United States, do you understand what I'm saying? And even from prison, he would write us letters and he was just, I don't know, I feel conflicted about it because I just, you know, obviously murdered, he murdered his own brother. My cousin, my cousin, Jennifer, I told you that my cousin, Jennifer, I have on my mom's side of the family.

That's where all the crazies are. And she's great. She was great, but she, she was in Bulgaria and she was dating this Bulgarian guy. And it was her husband, actually, they were married and they were at a Chinese restaurant in Bulgaria and the waitress didn't bring like some sort of sauce that my cousin asked for. So she tackled her to the ground and she stuck her heel into the woman's eye, high heel into the woman's eye where it gouged her eye out.

Other than this Bulgarian guy had to smuggle her out of the country because she was going to get arrested for attempted murder or whatever. So and I still love Jennifer. So I get it. Yeah. Yeah. So you have family members that do crazy things, but you have a different relationship with them.

I mean, obviously, I mean, Richard Konklitsky, Richard Konklitsky, the Iceman who worked for the mob. He was a murderer. Iceman. Yeah. The Iceman, right? Iceman. Iceman Chronicles or something like that.

And I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm sure there's one of his kids love him still. No, but that's how he was talking on the documentary. He, you know, he's a cold-blooded killer. Like he doesn't, he's a psychopath, right? And one of the hallmark traits of a psychopath is they don't show remorse. And he says he doesn't feel remorse, you know, towards any of the crimes that he committed. But the only moment, yeah, that he gets emotional is when he talks about his daughter.

Yeah. Or his kids, yeah. Or his kids. And his family. And it's crazy to think that this is the same guy who would cut, what do you do, tie two cats' tails together? And throw them over a clothesline. They call it Harry Carey.

So what is the Harry Carey? Like I can't even like fathom that. I can't even, because I automatically think about our own cats. Yeah, they used to, back in the back, back in the days to tie two cats' tails together and then throw them over a clothesline and they would rip each other apart. Oh my God. That's awful. Yeah, but this is that guy, what's his name, Kliklinski?

Yeah. Richard Kliklinski. Yeah, he was just, you know. He was moody. He was moody. Yeah, yeah. He had his bad days. Yeah.

Yeah. But you know, your uncle, fine, I mean, if I go to the Philippines, I'll just, I'll get over it. You just have to win him over, Bobby. I don't fucking believe that I even have to do that. I think you should just buy him like a couple packs of dried mango, a sacco of rice. I'm going to do that. Yeah, and just say, hey, Cho Carlo, like, you know.

Hey, Carlo. Yeah. Comusta. Maybe I'll get him a really nice, like, gold-plated machete. You know what I'm saying? With his name engraved in it. Yeah. You know, and with his brother's name, like, R.I.P.

R.I.P. On it. Or maybe, like, little lines like they do in prison of how many, like, how many times he's killed somebody with that. I should be more sensitive about this topic because my mom was really devastated when this happened, because basically she lost two brothers. And also a month after that whole thing went down, my mom's mother, their, their mother died, I think, from heartache.

So I should be more sensitive. I shouldn't laugh out loud like I just did three seconds ago. You know, I, I, I encountered a lot of violence in my lifetime. My father was an alcoholic, and he was very a rageful alcoholic, and he was extremely violent. He used to beat the shit out of me and my brother all the time, chases down the hallways when he got drunk and stuff. And at a family, family gathering once, he took a butter knife because his sister, my

aunt, was drunk, and she said that, how come you didn't marry somebody prettier than my mom? And my mom was right there. So my dad took a butter knife, jumped across the table, and stabbed her in the neck. She didn't die, but she was got a little wound. And you know, and I still love my dad, but it's still like behavior that's still not right and shocking. I saw my dad do a lot of shit like that.

You know. Okay. So I have a question then, because, you know, is it an Asian thing? No, but my question is, obviously in this day and age, if something like that were to happen, I would, let's say for instance, you were in an abusive relationship and you were a friend of mine. You'd be like, yo, you need, no, like that, absolutely leave that guy and get a divorce. But back in the day, people just worked through near homicides.

Like when I talked to your mom now, it was just like, yeah, I lost a couple teeth. You know what I mean? Like I, I feared for my life. Yeah. My mom's missing teeth because my dad used to punch it out now. In nowadays, if that happened, the woman would leave. But well, you would make him leave. I would hope she would leave.

Yeah, she would hope. Yeah. And his parents now, the mom takes care of his dad 24 hours a day. You know, he's had a stroke. So he's, um, he's bound to a wheelchair and she would never leave his side. And it's, I can't even say that's like Stockholm syndrome because she's like, no, like he's done some fucked up shit, but then you just work through near homicides. Yeah.

But it's so, I would never. Because I was trying to trace back how I became a comedian and it was, I think because of, he was so violent and I didn't know how to survive that, that I just kind of turned everything into like a fantasy joke. So I, you know, I would act out in school and I would just be just, I used comedy and humor as a defense mechanism, you know? And so, because I was wondering like nobody in my family does comedy. Why would I, what would drive me to do this awful career like comedy, which is a fucking

difficult thing to do, it's just like to move up in the comedy club system is so emotionally and spiritually grueling, you know? And it's like, but it's, I think it's my dad that did it, you know? Yeah. I think it's definitely like a coping mechanism. Like that's the only, how do you cope as a child? Like, what do you do? Like you got into drugs, well, your other coping mechanism was getting into drugs at the age

of 11. Yeah. I did that too. I mean, not even just like alcohol or weed, brown skin. You're talking about meth. He was a meth head by the time he was 11. Yeah. I did meth at 11.

Yeah. Like, where do you even score meth in Poway? You can. When you're in freaking middle school. There was a lady named Lucy who had kids, I remember going into her meth lab and she had her babies walking around this meth lab where they could explode at any time. And I remember being 12, 13 years old, you know, with like money I stole out of my parents safe and copying meth.

And I was like, that's why in middle school and high school, I was just like, I got all F's. I never, I would got kicked out of school all the time. It was just a weird, I was just a weird kid, like very rebellious. Why of all drugs did you choose meth? Meth is the best. Should we let our meowing cat in? Yeah, get her in.

You get her in. You're closest to the door. Okay. She's going to meow the whole time if we don't get her. Come here memes. Yeah. But um, back to that though, it's like the drug, it's like even before that though, there was always something wrong with my brother and I, and I think it's genetics too.

Because what my grandmother on my dad's mom, right, was paralyzed for the neck down because she would have a stroke also, and she never left the house. They had this little house in Korea for like 15 years. She never even saw the daylight really. She didn't want to. She just sat in a room. How old is she when she's had a stroke? 65, 66.

Yeah. So when my brother and I, I was maybe nine, my brother was six or whatever. My dad found us taking sticks and whacking against her body. The lady with a stroke? Yeah. My grandmother. Oh my God. Well, at first, she would just find welts all over her body and she's like, I don't know

why she has a word. He didn't say welts, but I don't know why he has a scub all over her body. You know what I mean? And then three days later, apparently, my brother was on either side of her just taking sticks and just whacking her because she was paralyzed. She didn't feel it. She just smiled when we did it. I guess she liked the attention, but like, and who does that at the age of nine?

That's like serial killer behavior. Jesus, Bobby. Yeah. My brother and I used to do that. We did a lot of stuff like that. You know? Well, I remember my aunt died when I was 10, maybe. Did you beat her to death?

No, we didn't beat her to death, but I remember like my brother farted at the funeral and him and I had to be escorted out because we were laughing so hard in the funeral. Like we had no, you know, and then my cousin, Andy and I were not allowed to go back to the church because they found Andy and I taking gasoline and we were spreading it in the kitchen of the church to catch it on fire. So we got kicked out. You guys were arson? We were all kinds of things, but I don't, is that genetic or am I just evil or was I

just confused? No, they, like there is a study that shows like there is a link, like there is such a thing as like a murderous gene, but it's also a lot of your upbringing. So it's like, you could be predisposed to aggressive behavior, you could be predisposed to addiction, but like your, your upbringing can either heighten it or it can dampen it. And in your case, because your parents, you know, you visibly saw your mom get beat and your dad was abusive, it heightened all your predispositions to aggression. So it's like, there is a genetic variable to it, but you know, obviously it's, do you

nurture, do you nurture that trait or do you provide, you know, a, a life for a child that's positive abuse free, then yeah, you're, if you do that, you're less likely to look for Lucy and find meth. Yeah. Lucy. Yeah. It was Lucy. Yeah.

In fact, tonight I was at the comedy store and I was talking to Steve Byrne, who was a comedian. We're talking and then all of a sudden Ali Wong walked up, Ali Wong is also a comedian and she's pregnant and she's visibly pregnant now. She's six months and so Steve was like, congratulations and, you know, I, you know, I lit up a cigarette for some reason and then she kind of backed away. That's fine. And then, then they asked me, go, when are you going to have kids?

And I'm like, I don't know because I'm afraid that I'm going to produce a nightmare like I was. Like demon spawns. Yeah. I am too. And as you and me put together, we're just full of demon seeds, I think. Yeah. Because demon and my egg is demon.

Yeah. Well, you will that, with that combination, maybe, maybe she'll produce an angel. Maybe an angel. My fear is that because I don't, you know, I've been sober for 13 years and it because of my stints in 12 step programs is the reason why I'm as nice or as, you know, grounded as I am because without that, I'm a maniac. But because of this, I can sit here and, you know, and pay mortgage and pay my taxes and all the things, but.

But if we did have children, it would be a great opportunity for you to break the cycle of your family of having like just an abusive, like a long line of like abusers in your family. Because I think that we would provide that child. Yeah. But if you talk to my mom, you don't beat my ass. Yeah. But my mom, right, is like the day you're born, you always cry. You don't stop crying.

Like you're a crack baby. I don't know. Baby. Because no, like, you know, baby's born like addicted. So it's like two moms on like heroin or my mom, my mom in 1971, I don't know what people did in the 70s. There was no crack then. Your mom is still married to the guy who knocked her entire front row of teeth out.

One tooth. She said more. Okay. But I just see one tooth. And then she has one. Yeah, she has one tooth left. But anyway, I mean, this podcast is turning pretty serious and real. Let's make it happier.

Why? No, we don't have to. We just talk about what we talk about. Are we ever happy? Yeah. You know what I mean? But you know what? The key is this is that, you know, if we do have kids, I'm just going to have to deal

with it and just live in the moment and just do what I can. You know, but like, I just have this weird fear that it's going to come back at me. I have concerns. Yeah. I have concerns. I'm going to look on the scalp and it's going to, I'm going to see a six and another six and another six. I go, oh my God.

It's Damien. Who's Damien? You never saw Omen? Oh, that, that kid. What? Oh, no, I'm thinking about another movie, the Guillermo del Toro one. What's, I've never seen Omen. The Omen is a, you've never seen the Omen?

No, I've never seen the Omen. Oh, you have to see the Omen. The original one. Okay. It's so, it's really scary. And it's basically this, I don't know its name, but a millionaire, you know what I mean? Has a kid, but the kid is Satan, Damien, it was a Satan son. And the kid, it has six, six, six on his head and it's a really creepy movie.

And I'm afraid that I'm going to spawn. Can we pause real quick? So, that kid Damien with a six, six, six on his head, six, six, six, not four, sixes, three, six. Sweetie, it concerns me that you haven't seen the Omen. This is my problem with you, Bobby. You're so like righteous every time I haven't seen, I mean, if I haven't seen every single like.

We watched, she's never seen Taxi Driver. So then we, I know, we watched it and then she knows, you know, she said, this movie is racist. Super racist. And then did you not agree? In retrospect, yes, it's racist, but it's also, you have to, at the time, 1971 or whatever the movie was made, it was, you know, it was a cultural phenomenon and it was very real. But it was very real.

I loved it. I loved the music. Man, I can't get it out of my head now. Yeah. And then she just hasn't seen a lot of things. Look, I haven't seen made for TV movies. I haven't seen a lot of like the movies or like shows that were only ran in America because I didn't come here until I was 15.

So I wasn't, I didn't know a lot of, you know, American pop culture. That's true. I'm so sorry. Because I mean, imagine like now if, if we raise the child in the Philippines, the world is flat because of the internet, right? So it's like, yeah, they have access to basically everything as long as you have the internet. But when I was growing up, I would, the only American thing that we would have would be like, you know, we had this thing called song hits and you, and the side of the road, like

in, in, in Cebu, they would sell these little notebooks of song lyrics, right? Cause people would just, you know, they would have the song lyrics and then the, the chords to play it. Cause everyone plays guitar back home cause like huge guitar factories and everything. So basically I'm the only one that doesn't play the guitar in the Philippines. But that's what you would do when you're free time. You would just buy song hits, the little notebook, and you would memorize lyrics. So I may not know a lot of movies and all these shows that you make reference to, but

I know every single lyric of every American fucking song that's ever been made. Okay. So I mean, I make up for it in some areas is all I'm saying. So cut me some slack if I didn't see Taxi Driver until like two weeks ago. Sing me. It's pretty shameful. Smells like Teen Spirit. No.

I can't, I can't sing. Oh my God. That's so funny. That's funny. I was actually just thinking when I was thinking of song hits, I was thinking of Nirvana. But I was thinking of All Apologies when I was telling you that story because there's this, there's this line in All Apologies that I thought that maybe the Filipinos got it wrong in their little song hits notebook cause it says Aqua Seafoam Shame.

And I was like, awesome Filipino made that shit up. Like that's not, that's actually not what the lyrics are. So I cross-referenced two days ago and to see if they made, you know, they made it up and that's what the lyrics are, Aqua Seafoam Shame. Really? Yeah. Can I tell you another thing? Yeah.

In the late 60s when my mom was coming to America, the Beatles were big and she thought that Let It Be was Meta G, which means Meta G, which means anchovy. Right. And I told my mom, I go, there's no fucking way that John Lennon would write a song about anchovies number one and also would use Korean language to do it. But you know what Asians do? In the Philippines, it's very much okay to take a song and then change up the lyrics to make it either Korean or like Filipino.

And then they'll re-release it that way. Like you know, Radiohead creep. That's illegal. No, it's illegal, right? But they would play this shit on the radio. So in this, for instance, that song creep by Radiohead, you know, that line, he goes, you know, so fucking special. That one.

Yeah. In the Philippines, they changed it to show bounding special, which means like a special show about which is like a pork bun. Really? Yeah. And it's just what you do and people think it's that's their form of comedy and people love it. Yeah.

So it's like that Maroon 5 song, you know, that she will be loved. That phrase, they changed it to see we long be loved, which means like it's like a weepy vagina or like a little like sad vagina. Oh, it's it's I don't know why Filipinos do that, but they just do. So I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised that your mom, you know, she thought that Phantom Menace was a good movie. But it was it was the second movie I ever watched in the American theaters.

It's one of the worst movies I've ever made. Because of the anticipation behind it, but and it just delivered. I wasn't the only one because I remember people cheering after the movie in retro. You know what? You did too, Bobby. The only reason you don't you admitted to me, yes. The few days ago that you actually thought it was pretty good until you watched it again like 10 years later.

So you're at fault too. Oh, let me see. Okay. Hold on. All right. Maybe you're right. Maybe you're wrong. Okay.

So it was good when you first saw it when you first see it, you're like, whoa, exactly because we were raised with the first three and it's a part of our it's a part of you in your heart. And so when you use the same sound effects and the opening music and it kind of resembles the first three, you were tricked on believing that it was good. But then when you just once the smoke, the cloud, what do you call it, the smoke clears and you get to see it again. It's really bad.

Well, he was telling me, well, first, Brown Skin, have you seen the interview of the kid that plays Anakin Skywalker? Have you seen this interview now? He's a dick. He's an unhappy guy who, who just like does not, which is weird because he was like, I don't want to answer any questions like involving, you know, he's in his twenties or something like that, but he doesn't want to answer questions yet. He's in a convention.

Yeah. He's at like a sci-fi convention. He doesn't want to answer questions about Star Wars at all. It's on YouTube. You have to watch it. Yeah. That's my past dude. And it's like, I don't even think about it.

It's like, motherfucker, you had a convention. Yeah. You're Anakin. Yeah. It's one of the worst performances I've ever seen. Yeah. I didn't notice that when I watched him and I was younger. He looks into the camera at one point.

But he's a baby. It doesn't matter. Look at Taley Joe, fucking genius, that kid cries on cue. He's very real. You know, what are you looking at me like that for? Nothing. I was thinking of Haley Joe Lausman. Oh, how about he looks, she thinks that Haley Joe Lausman looks horrible now.

I just think, I don't think, God, that's so awful. But it's right. It's true. I just think that he looks, I was wrong though, because the other day I was like, I think that he's like uncastable. Like you can't possibly cast him in anything now. And he has a show on Netflix where I think he plays like a teacher and it's like a pretty big show.

Yeah. And he's the lead. So I'm like, okay, I put my foot in my mouth. I know nothing. He's super talented. And you're never going to take that away from him. That's true. All right.

In Hollywood, it shouldn't be about looks. I know it is. It should be about the talent. No, but I know, but he's just so recognizably Haley Joe Lausman, but in a weird body now. Go ahead, because he's fat. You can look. Yeah, it's like, it's okay to not be attractive. Maybe he loves bread.

I'm like, who cares? Yeah, he's into carbs. I mean, I can't, you know, I don't hate him for that. I think it's cool when like, like there's Dakota Fanning. She hasn't been in anything in a while, right? But she's, she's a pretty girl. I know, but when she comes back, like it's going to be a big thing when she gets older and people are going to.

But she's already done adult roles because she did that one where she played like Joan, that Joan Jett movie. Yeah. Like Josh Brolin, right? Remember, he was in Goonies. Do you remember that? He was in Goonies. And then you didn't see him for a very long time and now he's in no country for old men.

You're like, oh, this guy's killing it. That was 10 years ago. Yeah. Or whatever. I'm just saying that he disappeared for a long time. He's been in other things since. Yeah. I know.

He played Bush. He was in W. That was the best role that he ever played. You thought so? After I watched. That's far so bad right now. Far. After I watched.

Just move on. Just move on. After I watched W. Yeah. I actually started to not hate George Bush as much because Josh Brolin did such a good job of humanizing him and just making him, making, if that was in fact, like, uh, accurate, it made him sort of this like lovable, you know, fucking, you know, country fucking dude. Like it made him, I understood, understood his lunacy. He was, he wasn't a very smart guy, but he, you know, he would, he had good intentions

that this didn't follow. He didn't run the show. It was Cheney and Rumsfeld and they ran the show and he just was, uh, you know, he was overpowered by these two gigantic like powerhouse. Yeah. But most of that movie follows his life prior to his, I just want to say this too is that my friend Charlie tonight had dinner, um, Finn and he, we talked about Bush and we talked about how we kind of miss him and he was a funny president.

He was fun to make fun of. No, no, no. He was literally legitimately hilarious. Like when he, when the shoe is thrown at him, right? And he eyes the shoe, the second shoe, he dodges it, right? And he smirks and that that's a funny thing. When he goes to other countries, he starts dancing. It's really funny.

And he does. He knows he's funny. You know, he's just, he just wasn't the best president, but you know, I, I miss him, you know, in many ways. I mean, you miss seeing moments like that, but you don't miss him going into another country for weapons of mass destruction that weren't. I don't miss that part. No, no.

Like that's real. That's really real life. And also I don't miss, you know, his supporters really. They can't be worse than like the, like the Tea Party though. They can't be worse than like the Sarah Palin supporters and they cannot be worse than Donald Trump supporters. No, they just can't be worse than that fan of his. So yeah, relatively speaking, George Bush is actually to me the lesser of two evils

at this point. I like Trump. No. Why? Just something up. I like his hair. You're just saying that to antagonize me. No, I'm not.

I really like him. You're a fucking idiot, Bobby. Why? You don't mean that. I do. Name one thing you like about him other than his fucking hair or his hair plugs. I love that he just says whatever is on his mind and he doesn't, you know, he's not a politician. He doesn't edit himself like a politician.

You know, he says how he feels and that in many ways is a good quality really. Oh, you're going to get so much shit. You're going to, we're going to lose all our Mexican fans over that one comment retract. Bobby retract. I'm kidding. Say sorry to the Mexicans. I'm sorry Mexicans. How are you?

Thank you so much. So we retract that comment. Yes, I was fucking whatever if I fucking see a Donald Trump sticker on our fridge, yeah, you and I might be over. Okay. Whatever, whoever becomes president has no power. Okay. Lobbyists and big corporations are in this country and there's nothing capitalism runs

this country. And there's really nothing we can do about it. We're all pawns and we're all, you know, sheep and we just follow whatever and we and they fool us by putting out these movies and contraptions where we get distracted, you know, like destiny or, you know, but you can city or whatever. But being an eternal optimist and us just complaining about it doesn't make for any, it doesn't make anything better. So the least you can do is hope that, you know, you elect someone into office that has

a little bit of integrity and who isn't a fucking racist, Bobby? We'll get Clinton back in there. Yeah. What are our options? Our options are. I don't want to talk politics. Can we switch fucking topics? We're at 50 minutes.

They're suites. That's what Brownstone, Brownskin just Brownskin. So I think that every episode should have like an MMA minute, but let's do an MMA minute. Okay. Tell me why you are enamored and obsessed with Yawana Yajajic. Okay. Yeah. Yawana Yajajic is my favorite fighter I've ever seen in any fighting sports.

Is that right? Yeah. Is that clear? Bobby watches all her fights against Carla Sparza, Jessica Panay, all her like old like Muay Thai fights every night before he goes to bed. He doesn't watch any other fucking UFC fight. Muay Thai fight? You watch your Muay Thai fights?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. I'm obsessed with her. Obsessed every night, but he doesn't watch Dimitri's job. He doesn't care about anybody else, but Yawana.

Yeah. I, she is what, she's my, the one I follow. She's the one that is showing me the light. He doesn't even care about Ronda Rousey. Nah, fuck it. Oh, wow. I've met her. She's a nice lady, right?

I told Joe Rogan two weeks ago, I said, is there any way that you can, I can meet her? And he goes, what dude? I go, yeah, because I'm fucking obsessed with her. Right? He's like, why? I go, she's a fucking beast. She's a clinical beast. And here's what I like.

That girl Paige Vansant, you know, she's a pretty girl. She's I in the ring. She's I. Okay. But the thing is, is that fighting should not, you know what? The good-looking people, you have your other things that you can do. You can model, become an actress, sing a song or whatever you need to do. Fucking misogynistic thing to say.

I don't give a fuck. If you're good, I think to think so. No, Bobby thinks likes her. You know why? Bobby likes her because he says when she cuts weight, she looks like a meth head. Yeah. She looks like a meth head, but she's also very funny. I think she's very funny.

And I just think that she's very talented. I think that her strikes are like a man's strike. She reminds me of GSB a little bit. She's just very like, you know, she's very technically good skilled. And I'm sorry, I'm going to say this. When I see Rhonda or anybody else fight, they're great and they have talent. They still look like women fighting. Because they are women fighting.

But there's a beauty in that. I know, but Yohana does not look like that. So you'll only support fighters that box like dudes. I think Rhonda. No, I think Rhonda Rousey is extremely talented and she is a gifted person. I'm not saying that. I think what I'm saying is, is that when, when a fight lasts for 20 seconds, it's fine and dandy, but when you have somebody like Yohana who picks them apart round by round

methodically and ripping into their faces is so fun to watch. Like Carla Esparza, when she won the title, it was just like, yeah, the first 40 minute or two, you know, Carla's trying to take her down. That's great. Okay. But once Yohana established her striking, it was obvious who was the talented person in the ring. There's just something about her personality that I think you're really drawn to.

And it's the fact that she lives in like a small town in Poland. Yeah. Like a thick accent. I love everything about her. She pulls these like, you know, funny little antics of like giving her opponent's cookies during weigh-ins or like she gave Penny a bracelet, a necklace and Penny didn't take it. Right.

And which probably only made infuriated and more and like that's why Penny got what she got. She got her face split open. My point is, is that she's a very funny girl. She's odd looking. She's a little odd looking, but she is devastatingly brutal in the ring or in the octagon. Her striking is great and she's only getting better. And I don't think that anybody can give her any trouble other than Claudia Gadelia, who

trains with Nova Anya, who trains with Josie Aldo. I'm nervous about that fight. But if she can get through that fight, I feel like that she's going to hold on to the belt for a very long time. I feel like nobody, those two, you know how there's a huge gap between, let's say like Ronda Rousey, Misha Tate and like the rest of the pack. I think there is such a huge gap between Claudia Gadelia and Joana Jajak and then the rest of the girls.

Yeah. I mean, not to say that Carla Esparza isn't good, but you know, it's like, if you watch that whole season of the ultimate fighter with Jessica Pinae and you know, Carla Esparza and all those girls in, in that setting, they all looked great. But then when you put them next to Joana, it's just a different freaking level. And it's so obvious. Yeah. In fact, I didn't even know about who she was when she got, well, Calala got UFC fight

pass. I couldn't sleep one night. I was on it and it had this, who are the champions? I looked down and the very last person was Joana and I thought, I'd never had heard of her. So I clicked on her, read her bio, whatever. And then I saw related videos. I went into that.

And when I saw, I saw the first two fights against Claudia, one of them and the other one forgot her name. She's Brazilian Lima, I think is her name is Lima. I thought, wow, this girl's pretty good. But then when I saw the asparza penny fights, literally you could hear me say in the room and I woke Calala up, I would, every 10 seconds, I would go, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. You know, I had never done that in a fight. I woke up, I was like, are you watching Joana?

That's what she said. I go, yeah, she makes me go, oh my God, that was devastating. Oh my God. I take that back. There is one other girl who I feel when she gets a little bit older or when she gets to be Joana's age is going to be a force to be reckoned with. Her name is Rose Namayunas. She's on Pat Berry's, or she's not because Rose was 22 when she was on the show.

So Rose has to be like 24 now and Joana's what, 27, 26, oh shit. So they're maybe they're almost the same age. She was just look so much younger, but Rose has just a really good overall foundation of everything. And she's very, very agile. So I think that when she, you know, I think that she's one of the other promising straw weights, I guess, compared to the rest of the pack and random Marcos, maybe she's good to you.

I just it's exciting to see women fighting in the UFC, but you shouldn't knock girls for being pretty and fighting, Bobby. I think Rhonda Rousey is a total babe Rose Namayunas is it's like seeing a pretty person doing standup comedy, they're there, right, but it's also kind of like in deep down inside myself. I'm like, come on, man, this is unfair to say that, but Delia, listen, Delia is one of my best friends and he's really not that good looking. You know, he looks like an ostrich.

If you look at his features on his face, I've memorized his face. I've known him for a decade, right? His face is kind of weird. He's got weird bags. His nose is a little weird. You know, he's just tall. He's got wavy Rick Springfield hair and that's cool. Women love him.

Dane at one point was the guy, but if you look at Dane's face, he's got pot marks. He's not really that good looking, right? There's certain guys that are like Anthony Jezal next, very handsome, Jezal looks very handsome. Yeah. Okay. I'll give you Jezal in that. Who else is really handsome?

Yeah, but they're not Tony Thornburg handsome, you know, which I've seen, do you know who Tony Thornburg is brown skin? Tony Thornburg is a Japanese Swedish model and Bobby has a, it's not, it's beyond a mancrush. It's basically like he would definitely like give him a good hand job. No, no, that's, that's, that's actually the opposite of what I would do. And that's actually offensive that you would even say something like that. That's it. Look at him.

All right. What I would do with him, I wouldn't be alone with a room with him. I feel like if we had kids, we might produce a Tony Thornburg. That'd be great. But I'd be so proud. But if I saw Tony Thornburg, I would shake his hand for a very long time, for a very long time, and I would pull away very slowly, so I can get some of the skin. Would you give him the finger tickle on the inside of the palm?

Yeah. And if he said, Hey, I have HIV, like a weird disease and the only way that I could live is if you suck my penis, I would do it not out of, listen, I would do it to save his life. But if you would do it to. Listen to me, Brown skin, let me look at me right here, Brown skin. I'm not gay, dude. But if you had cancer and the only way that you could get cured, right, is for me to suck

your penis, you would have to die. I think I. You would die. All right. Tony Thornburg would live. Yeah. That makes sense. You would have to perpetuate the good seeds.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You would have to save like his, his breed, like his genetics, like you have to preserve it. Like he's a perfect specimen. We have a connection to him. My friend in the in Hawaii, her name's Nicole and she's a model and artist and she's done shoots with him.

That's the reason why I even found out who he was. And then I showed his picture to Bobby and Bobby got all like googly eyed brown skin. If I had cancer and I said, the doctor says the only way that I would live is if you suck my penis, would you? Yeah. You would live. Yeah. But why would it have to be just him?

Just I want to look at just. Yeah. I don't know why. Let's just suppose it's the scenario. You know what? Yeah. You would? Yeah.

You know what? I'd like to save a person. Exactly. You know what? You would die. Yeah. You would die, dude. Tony Thornburg lives.

Yeah. Tony Thornburg lives. Why does Browns can have to die? How do you know his genes aren't superior? It doesn't matter. Actually, no, your genes aren't superior in Bobby's eyes because you're Filipino and therefore you're a dirty, jungle Asian. Yeah.

I didn't say that. He says that every episode of all the podcasts we've ever done, he calls me a jungle Asian. And the fact that you have browner skin than me makes you a dirtier, jungler, junglier Asian. Listen, in the next episode, I want to get into jungle Asians and I want to get into other Asians. Why do you always have to rip into my people? I want to get into that the next episode. The next episode will be dedicated to ripping my people.

I've been in, I've gotten so much trouble for saying it and I don't mean it in a mean way. I don't mean it in a racist racial kind of a way. I mean it as a factual way that, that you're Asian people that live in the jungle. How is that bad? But the Philippines is not all jungle dumb dumb. It's pretty much jungle. I've been there.

Cebu is a metropolis. No, I know, but it's a metropolis built in a jungle. No, we don't have, we have mountains. You don't have, there's no jungle there then. Actually the jungles are in Mindanao. It's in the south. That's where we have the rubber trees and that's how we have, you know, thicker, denser jungles.

Yeah, like Cambodia has, you know, cities. So you put us all under one jungle umbrella. Yes. And we'll get into the next episode. The next episode. You know, you've gotten shit from Vietnamese people from, from other, but you know who's never given him shit for calling them jungle Asians, Filipinos. I think that we're just, I don't think that we get off, I don't know, do we just take,

you know, that type of offensive stuff? I said that that about the Vietnamese ones on camera and I had to apologize for a year. I got in so much trouble, Joe Rogan. I was on one of Joe Rogan's videos and I said that I got in trouble twice though for saying jungle Asian. I said jungle Asian in the second thing I talked about a family member that I got in really in trouble for. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

We won't, we won't bring that up. We can't get into that. But um. But that's another reason why we couldn't air the first episode. Yeah. He, he, he told some, we're not going to say this, we're going to say the story for maybe like the 50th episode or maybe like an anniversary episode, but he almost opened on our first episode telling a story that would, we would have never been able to follow.

It was such a huge bomb of a story. Like the, the, it was, it's explosive. It's mind blowing what story he was about to drop. And I know this about him, but no one in his entire, in this entire world knows it about him. Not even his family. What was it again? Steve.

Oh yeah. Yeah. That's it. Anyway, that was good. That was a good podcast. Thanks Brown Skin. We'll see you guys next time. Hey Prime members.

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