TigerBelly - Episode 12: Bobby in the Middle

Episode Date: November 4, 2015

Mama Tess phones in unexpectedly. Bobby has universal guilt as mayor of TigerBelly town. Khalyla is having a strategic love affair to become CFO. We talk a bit of Star Wars, roid rage, and how the Lee x Choe duo have no pull.   Recorded November 02, 2015 Music by Bobby Lee Instagram: @tigerbelly Twitter: @thetigerbellySee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. Welcome to Taga Belly. Welcome to Taga Belly. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. No, that's not Gin.

Hello. Welcome to Taga Belly. My name is Bubba Lee. He's awful. Going to много and giggle. Gonna boo. Let's start. I want to open the airs.

Shut the fuck up. Welcome to Taga Belly. I can't do it. and this is Gilbo Baggins and we're hot, we're ready to go. This is our, this is a podcast. And I'm really excited about it. This is a podcast. In case you were confused, this is a podcast.

It is a podcast and it was Kaila's birthday Sunday and I thought it was a good day. You woke up depressed, almost suicidal. Suicidal. Cause she's 31 now and she's no longer. And cannot confirm that number for you guys. Well, I will confirm it and I will, it's 31. I will and cannot confirm.

I can, 31. Unless you have my birth certificate in your hands, sir. And what do we do Sunday? We, we ate? Well, no, for my birthday, birthday, actually no, for Halloween night, since we're grandparents and we're basically the most boring people on earth. We all decided to go to dinner.

You, me, Dave Cho. Oh, that's right. Your brother, my sister, Renzo. And I was a dissed. We weren't dissed. Shut the fuck up. Let me talk. Okay.

So I love, I'm Korean, I like eating Korean food and I'm a regular at a lot of these Korean restaurants. One of them being Baek Jong and the other one right across the alleyway is called Quarters. And we, me and David Cho, I don't know if you know David Cho but he's an artist and he's Korean and he's kind of famous, would you not say? He's the Facebook guy.

He's like amongst Koreans, he is. Amongst Koreans, he should be. Actually that's not true. Dave's huge. And I, and I, and about the most important thing. I bought a little bubble. The most important, what's good about Dave is usually people will recognize him

from being on the show with Anthony Bourdain. And he's also on vice or whatever. No, but that's a big thing. If we go to restaurants, I always think that, okay, we're going with Dave. Like every restaurant should at least know he has ties to Bourdain. Dave Chang and he has connections to the food world.

Anyway, and it's Kalaida's birthday. So we put our name up on the Beijing, you know what I mean? To get a seat and fucking they didn't see us. It took an hour and they said, no, we had to wait. And so then I go. We were waiting for one more person, right? So Dave was like, hey, can you just seat the six of us? And they're like, well, where's the seventh person?

And they were like, oh, they're parking. They were like, no, we need to see all seven. Rude. That's very interesting. So by the time our seventh person came along, they were like, it's going to be another 30 minute wait. Yeah. And also on top of that, put me on a rage.

Okay. Cause number one, it's Kalaida's birthday, dinner. Number two, you know, we're always there. We're always there. We hold no weight there. The rude, no weight. I chip well, I eat there a lot. Okay.

So then I go, you know what? Let's go across the little hallway thing. And we'll go to quarters. Got treated even worse. And this little fucking bitch, Korean bitch. I'm going to call her that. And she's dressed it as a squirrel. What's her name?

We don't know if she's just a host. Oh, yeah, bitch. Hostess. And I go, hi, it's my girlfriend's birthday. And I'd like to have a table for seven, please. She goes on, you have to wait an hour. And I go, what? And now, and for meanwhile, there's tables open, right?

Yeah. And we go, Dave, Dave, go ahead. You asked. Dave, why didn't you ask? So he didn't do it. He did. He got rejected. He got rejected.

Then I got rejected. And I wanted to basically say is I'm sorry, but I eat here a lot, right? But also on top of it, I know I'm a loser, but I don't hold any weight. I'm sorry. No, I said that. We came to the conclusion.

She says, what's your name? I go, Bobby Lee. I spelled it out for her. And then I had a couple of people take photos with me. You know what I mean? That did nothing to this bitch. It didn't sway her. Sway her at all.

Wow. You know what I mean? And I just wanted to ask Korean restaurant people and hostesses, okay, I hold no weight. That's what it is. It's not even just you. With the ears of man TV, David's artwork, our combination of maybe a little bit of heat

didn't get us in. Even parks too, right? You hold weight in Mexican restaurants. All the Mexicans. Oh, you walk in. I would, El Cholo, we'll get sat right away. You know what I mean? El Cholo.

I love it. But anyway, those chimichangas are the best in the country. I don't give a fuck what you said. Shout out. Shout out. But anyway, so we had to go across the street to another place called what? I forget.

I forgot. It was delicious. Parks, right? Delicious. No, not parks. It's Park's the only Korean place you know, Gilbert. Also, and parks also, they're respectful.

Even though they weren't. Parks is great. They won't put me and David's headshot on the wall, which enrages me. Oh, even Dave? No. I thought it was just you. No, Dave too, fuckface.

Oh. So. The day they put his up and not mine, is the I go fucking crazy. I'm going to do a Chosung We Virginia Tech in that fucking place. It's sad because they have like three of Ken Watanabe. Yeah, that's fine.

He's a huge star. But then they have stars of people that a fat Asian guy would like fucking an Afro. And I'm like, who the fuck is that? Yeah, I looked at the pictures. I don't know who half those people are. Nobody. Anyways, the moral of the story here, guys,

is that Dave Cho times Bobby Lee equals no heat, no pull in Koreatown. Honestly, but it's not, they're not. I think that's sort of cool. I'm a loser. I'm a fucking loser. No, I think that's sort of nice for the establishment to not, you know, favor other,

because there are people waiting there too. Like, why should they favor us? Really? So I'm going to ask, because I'll tell you why. Okay. Do I tip well in restaurants? It's a very well. You and Dave tip the place we went to on Saturday,

one kid, $100. Yeah, exactly. Right. So what I'm saying is that even if we weren't who we were, which I'm a loser, I get it, Koreatown, all right. But even as good customers, we don't get no fucking heat. So what's the thing? Because I'm telling you some of those fucking-

Maybe we're not good customers. Maybe you asked for too many refills of Diet Coke. Did you ever think about that? How many refills? I always get a second glass. Seven. No, baby, I don't. And don't ever fucking lie like that again.

I'm sorry. All right, you fucking deceiver. I'm sorry. Don't do that, all right? I'm actually, I feel enraged by whatever is happening here in Koreatown. But we're not special people. We're not special, and I just realized that.

So next time, any of you guys, if I'm depressed, and next time you guys go, well, you've done well in your life, it doesn't, no, I haven't done well enough. Because until the day, right, I don't have to wait an hour. I said a fucking Korean restaurant, okay? I don't even know what my point is.

Is that your measure of success then? Yes. How quickly you get sat in the restaurant? Yes. Because you know if Brad Pitt walked in there, he's getting seated. Yeah, I know. Through the back door, too.

If Dr. Ken sat there, he would get seated. If, yeah, Sandra Oh from Grey's Anatomy, she walked, oh, I swear to God. I would say you're more well known to her to like- No, no, Sandra Oh walks in there. I bet you money, okay? Sai, they'll close it down. They'll close it down.

For six days. For six days. You know what I mean? To prepare for his arrival. Just to prepare for his arrival. That's confusing. I can't believe you and Dave- Me, an hour, hour and a half wait.

Maybe because we look, honestly, we look homeless. Dave looks homeless. You look homeless. I know I look homeless. I smell homeless. I am pretty much homeless, but I have a home, okay? Hmm, and you tip well for a homeless guy. Yeah, so number one, I look homeless, okay?

Sure. If it was the first time I was there, right? Then I would go, oh yeah, I look homeless. They probably think I have no money. Yeah. But I've been there, what, 50 times? Over that. Over that, and I tip well, all right?

So all those fucking gooks know that I'm not homeless? Probably because we're yelling gooks at them. Oh yeah, I do say that. Hey, gook, give me some more Diet Coke. We basically can never eat there anymore. Yeah, it's out. Because as soon as, if anything, if any of what we're saying gets back to them-

Oh, I want it. I want it. So if, no, no, this isn't what. They're gonna fucking shit in our food now, Bobby. I don't give a fuck. If you go to Baek Jong, or what's that place called? Quarters. Quarters, right?

The full name is Kang Hodong Baek Jong, I think. Kang Hodong Baek Jong, okay? And if you work there, just come on, man. Make me feel- Love. Love, a little bit, okay? And now I feel like a piece of shit for even saying it. But I was putting up against the wall.

It was embarrassing because it's your birthday and we couldn't pull through for you. And so then we went to the other place and guess what? What happened the next day? We had a severe diarrhea. Oh, all you can eat? No, not all you can eat. Not all you can eat, huh?

No. Not the bubbly. So anyway, we had diarrhea and, you know. So basically Bobby and Dave got rejected by two restaurants and at which point Dave made the executive decision to take us all to another one across the street that gave us full blown green apple splatters. Yeah, but it was very delicious.

Very good. Worth the pain, worth the fire. And also, can I just say this FYI? Can I say FYI? If you don't know what FYI means, it means for your information. What was that derived from? What do you mean?

Never heard of it. Where did they come from? I don't know. New term. These kids are saying it. And look at this, what am I doing, baby? What am I doing? Put your motherfucking hands down.

I'm raising the roof. He's raising the roof. Wow, shut the fuck up. You're 54 years old. That's fucking rude. You tell him he has seven diet cokes and he's 54. And diabetic. So I want to say this, what was my point?

Oh yeah, it could have been the snowy place. We went to Snow LA after we ate that hot, spicy beef stew. So good. Or the Calvijim. So we'll have to do that. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go to Snow LA all day by myself. Yeah.

This is like a diarrhea. And then I'm gonna go to the other place by myself. You know what I mean? I can guarantee you it wasn't Snow LA. Okay, anyway. Because what came out, my butt was something that felt like hot fire kimchi. Yeah.

So, yeah. When I have a serious shit, you know what I call it? You know what I call it? Look at me right now. I can't. No, look at me right now. You know what I call it? I call it Gilbert's mom.

Hey. She listens to this. Hey, she listens to this podcast. Did you know that she really did? You want to know what she said about you? She goes, you know what? I'm glad I listened to the podcast. Because after hearing Bobby.

No, no, listen. You look at me, motherfucker. The table's up there. All right, I feel so bad. She goes, after hearing his source, how he opens up on the podcast, I can see a lot of pain, but there's wisdom there. And you need to listen to him sometimes.

What's your last name? Galongo. Mrs. Galongo? Galon. Mrs. Galon. I was just making a joke. I don't know you. You'd like to know her.

I was just making fun of her. Next time I see you, I'm going to give you a hug. A full chest one, too. And I don't know you. And I was just making a joke and I apologize. She feel better? She might not hug you, though. She should be like, they really do it three times.

Like, yeah, man, that's a real thing that people do in the industry. Really? She said, don't do it three times. Oh, when you had a threesome with, that's not a threesome, it's more like a gang bang, no? And then she said, no, that was a fivesome. And she sometimes gags when Kalala talks about eating her poop.

Oh, come on, guys. Poop pill. Where's your sense of adventure? But anyway, that's enough. I got off my chest. I feel much better about it. And I know it sounds like I'm acting like a, you know what? Spoiled and elitist?

Spoiled, bratty. I don't think so. I understand the respect after a while. I thought that it was only going to be Bobby that would get upset because he clearly wanted it to be special for my birthday, but even Dave was upset. And then he started ripping on me. Well, you don't have no pool here?

Yeah. So Dave, where's your fucking pool? Yeah, where's your pool? You're worth $200 million. You can't pull out 200 bucks and go here. Can that's a table? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay, guys.

I had a good birthday. And I'm glad you guys were a part of it. And, you know, I'm not going to confirm that I'm 31, but I'm somewhere along those numbers. Happy 31st birthday, baby. But anyway. We watched the Steve Jobs documentary yesterday. Last night.

I don't know that one. Well, it's called Steve Jobs documentary. Is that real? Do I have to fact check that? Because people are going to fucking be like, that's not what it's called, Bobby Lee. It's the same. Alex Gibney directed it.

Who directed the Scientology documentary. And I'll be honest with you, he's a fucking prick. Not Alex Gibney. Steve Jobs. Yeah, Steve Jobs. Or at least how he was depicted in a documentary. Like, it actually opened up by a scene of people. Like, during, upon his death, like, people all over the world

lighting all these candles and tweeting, I sad. Literally, literally crying. Like, grown adults at an altar or a shrine of Steve Jobs, somewhere in Bangkok, somewhere in Shanghai. And I'll be honest with you. Would you say Michael Jackson-esque? Yes, absolutely. Michael Jackson-esque.

And I'll be honest with you, I, before watching this documentary, I probably, I was somebody who really, really lived by Steve Jobs quotes. Like, I would always search for them. And I was like, whoa, that's a great, that's such a great philosophy. That's, you know, like, in terms of like success

and all these things, I really thought he was some type of messiah in my eyes. As it turns out, he was a total fucking dick. Yeah. Total dick. But I'm glad he was alive. Yeah, absolutely. And he, all his products, I've enjoyed.

I'm addicted to them. I addicted to them. And I, if he was alive, I would probably blow them. Which? How serious are you from a scale of one to 10? Probably a seven. So here's my plan. Oh shit, okay, wow, the truth came out.

No, seriously, yeah, I would, I would say. If Steve Jobs said, like, if he was alive, right? What if he said, I'll give you the next, I'll give you the next iPhone before anyone else gets it. No, no, no, what about this? Back in 1985, right, when Apple first was like starting, he says, I'm gonna give you a half a million dollars with the stocks for free.

Will you blow me? Would you do it? Would I do it? Yeah, be real. Would I know the future? Gilbert's mom, listen to this answer. Go ahead. This is a young, young Steve Jobs is also very handsome.

Oh, for knowing the future? Without knowing the future. Without knowing the future, would you do it? No. Yeah. Oh yeah, he's shaking his head, yes. Look. 100% I would.

My question to you is, like, actually I retract because that question literally evaporated from my mind as soon as you looked at me. Why? So keep going. I don't know, I had a question and then you turned around really slowly and gave me judgy eyes.

I didn't give you judgy eyes, it was love eyes. The question itself, like, just left, left me. Now let's do what I want to say this. I want to apologize to Eric Griffin. What happened? Well, Eric Griffin is, he's a half black ugly guy. He was on the workaholics and now he's doing a pilot for a Jim Carrey produced show

on Showtime that he booked as a series regular. Damn. I was playing Destiny with him earlier today and he said, I'm really mad at you. And I go, why? And he goes, because you and I were supposed to do a podcast. Ooh. And he goes, you and I went and met with Al Madrigal

and we went to all things comedy and we were gonna do this thing. And then all of a sudden you backed out, which I didn't, which I just got really busy. And then I just didn't want to really do a podcast in general until Kalaila wanted to do her own. And then I did a couple with her and I just thought to myself,

the chemistry is good with my girlfriend. This would be perfect. And it just organically happened this way. So Eric, if you're listening, which is not, I apologize. I already apologized I'm doing today. How is that gonna, how is this particular podcast gonna stop you from doing a podcast with him? You're still doing Eric.

I don't want to. Because I feel like no, you should do one podcast. Because I feel like if DVD, ASA, we're all friends with Dave, right? We're all like collectively a family. I feel as though if that came back to life that we would all do each other's podcast. Like that's-

That's different than guest starring. That I'll do other people's podcasts, but to promote and to try to get that podcast off the ground would take a deal of energy and stress. And I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna put all my eggs on this basket. I feel like it's- It's a good basket.

It's a good basket. I honestly, when I first met you, Gilbert, I fucking didn't like you. Yeah, I could feel that. Could you really? Yeah, because I came into my house. Like you were like, put your foot up on my fucking shit. First of all, didn't do that.

Yes, you did. Anyway, and then when she's like, hey, he's gonna do it. I'm like, I don't know about that guy. You know what I mean? And then you did a couple- All we asked of him on his first day was- She asked me many times.

I didn't even- Can you just make sure that my computer, which we're using as a shitty fucking computer, can you just make sure it doesn't crash mid-recording? So we needed a third person to just over-see. You just flash him, you're not seeing it. This is the third time this week, and I'm still- Let's keep moving, guys.

What topic do we- You didn't even finish about Steve Jobs, but you just jumped into the air- Have you guys seen the movie? Which one? The action creature. The action creature. He was a-

It's not out yet. It's been out for two weeks. Wait, the Michael Fassbender one? Wow, I didn't even hear what that was. It sounds like they followed the documentary. They shit on him, the whole movie. He's a bad father in the movie. Well, yeah, because he didn't even claim,

or he refused to believe that his first daughter was his daughter for a long time, and he would kick her $500 every month. That's it, $500 when he was already making millions, or something to that effect. And then not only that, but when he went back to Apple sometime in, I think, like, 98 or something like that, he got rid of all their philanthropic programs.

He's just not a Bill Gates kind of dude, you know? That guy, though, he's wonderful. You know, and so like- I mean, he's cool. Yeah, well, Jesus, kill him. Anyways, is that the last- I just wanted to say this. Go ahead.

But I'm gonna say this, okay? This is that his products have enriched our lives, but it's also made us slaves, and it's the new religion, and I worship it. And I'm sad. That's what the documentary said, although it connected us, it made a new, like, worldwide interconnectedness,

and it made the world flat, essentially. It made us also isolated with one another, because we're just now attached to our gadgets, you know? But- I go on the freeway, and I'm playing, like, fucking Clash of Clans, or I'm driving 90 miles per hour, I'm doing Candy Crush, you know what I mean?

That was my question. What? My question is, do you get a pardon for all your dickhead attitudes, all your dickhead schemes, all your dickhead everything if you are a genius like Steve Jobs? Yep, yep. So you basically are no longer,

you don't have to abide by the rules of manners and society and, like, good morals if you create, if you create all that you create. Like Rembrandt, remember the painter? He could just walk up Bonjour and just shit in your mouth, and that's fine. Because he was great. He's so great.

Who else can do that today? That's Daniel Day-Lewis. Daniel Day-Lewis can come here, fuck Ming, my cat, right? And then me, and then you. And then fuck you right in the eyes, and then fuck him in the butthole. Why don't I have to get that one? And go, hey.

And then I would say, sign my poster if there will be blood. Can we get your Daniel Day-Lewis impression one more time? Hey. One more time for the audience? Hey. Okay, that was horrible. Dead on, fucking dead on. But anyway.

Who else, who else? Oh God, Paul McCartney. Would you kind of say David Cho? Wait, what do you mean? I don't get what you're saying. What are you asking, Gilbert? Doesn't David Cho under that thing? He can do whatever he wants.

Because he's a great artist. Yeah, but he's a great artist, but he's not at that level of, like, I hate to say this because he's my friend, you know what I mean? I mean, he's very talented. He's not Daniel Day-Lewis. But he's not Daniel Day-Lewis. He's not universally known in that same level.

But you know what? Everyone always has something to say about Dave and call him what you will, but dude's a fucking sweetheart. I love Dave. I love him too. I really do. He's like my brother and I just,

I have nothing bad to say about him. I really don't. He changed my brother's life. My brother had nothing and he gave my brother, he put him in his band. My brother gets laid now. My brother gets paid through David and my brother has something to live for.

That's awesome. And my brother has self-esteem from it. And all I say is thank you because that's what Dave did now. But besides all the things that he does for other people, that's besides the point. He's a tyrant. If you just sat down and just talked to a dude,

he really is a darling. He is a darling, yeah. Yeah, he loves his brothers, he loves his parents. He's a regular dude and we used to fuck the same girl, Patty. Don't say Patty's name on air. Okay. Stop with the names already. Why?

Because we're gonna, I think we're just gonna keep digging ourselves into this deeper hole. There is no hole. There is no hole. There's no Alice. I'll say everything I wanna say about any of my exes, okay? But I don't think,

my problem with you talking about your exes is that, or women you've slept with is that you talk about, you talk down about women and I don't like that. No, I uplift him. You don't talk about them in a way that makes any woman feel good, including myself. Like you can't talk about, he goes on other podcasts and he talks about,

the chick that he was sleeping with before me, how her pussy looks like an IED or like an IED went off in it and that's- Well, that's the truth. But Bobby, like you- Mash potatoes or whatever. Respect, man. I respect it.

I respect women, man. Yeah, I respect her. Respect. You call the women's vagina an IED? That is not an IED and the IED had already exploded on back then. Oh, post, okay. Yeah, post, yeah, yeah.

All right. And to me, I always tell him that's not okay. That's not okay. It's not okay. It's not okay to have a vagina like that either though. It's okay. That's just, that's her anatomy. She can't help it.

Anatomy, Grey's anatomy. I love it. She can't help it. I know. I never said her name. You can't say you've never- I've never said her name. I've never said her name, Dick.

You can't say- And let me say this, okay? Nope. My dick, I always listen. My dick is gray, number one. It looks like a sick alien, all right? And I've always said this before. I've said this on radio.

It looks like E.T. when he was in the river and when he was sick. Oh wow. Right? We'll say. You have a very smooth shaft though. Thank you so much. But my point is, is that my genitals are a mess.

And if a girl said how Bobby's genitals are a mess on radio, I'd be listening going, yep. Yeah, but just because you'd be okay with it doesn't mean that every woman you've been with is gonna be okay with it. If you're gonna be in showbiz- They're normal, you're not. If you're gonna be in fucking showbiz, Kalyla.

Some women, some women- Shut the fuck up for a second, okay? It's showbiz. Shut the fuck up for a second. I really mean what I'm gonna say, okay? If you're in comedy, all right, and you're fucking it, you wanna join the club, right? I get to talk about it.

Your vagina. And it looks like a fucking mess. She's gonna punch you. Who is? Your girl. I love your vagina. It's perfect. And I love you.

You're an angel. Wow. That just means, should anything happen between us that our secrets are going to be exposed on the next radio show? And that doesn't make me feel good. Yeah, but the secrets that I'm gonna expose are generally from my end being bad, right?

Like, you know what I mean? The honest truth is that you're itchy in your vagina. Why? Because of the fact that my foot fungus has got to it. Oh God. We're going to the foot doctor tomorrow. We're going to the foot doctor tomorrow because she's itchy all over.

Oh my God, the phone is ringing. It's my mom. Answer it. Should we? Yeah, yeah, let's put it on. We'll put it close to the mic. Let me ask her some questions. Put it close to the mic, though.

This wasn't planned, was it? No, ma. Hey darling, do you remember the card, the vanilla, that you told me you can throw that away? No, I don't, ma. What? Do you remember the one I think, would you give it to you? It's like-

Do you remember, I said, hey, oh look. I said, oh, you can throw that away. I don't think there's money in there. Oh yeah, is there money in it? It's 5912. Okay, give it, give it, give it. It's a gift card that I threw away and apparently there's still money in it.

Give it back to me, Kay. Ma, ma, Bobby wants to ask you questions now. I wanna ask you some questions. I was ready to straight it, you know? Ma, Bobby wants to ask you some questions, Kay. Yeah. Hang on. Come on.

Hey ma, is Roger mad at me? Roger? Yeah. Roger is sleeping already. Oh, he is? So he's not mad anymore, he's sleeping. Yeah, it's like when we arrive, like 30 minutes, he sleeps right away.

He does, doesn't he? He gets sleepy. He just fucked. Oh yeah, he gets tired so easily. Yeah, yeah, well, when do you go to bed? Me? Yeah. It depends, sometimes around three o'clock

because if I go early, it's just a waste of time because I'm just tossing around. Are you anxious, ma? No. What do you do to three in the morning? What do you do? What? What do you do at three in the morning?

Play my games. Oh. Candy Crush. My candy crush is really hard. Mom, do you think I'm handsome? What? Do you think I'm handsome? Do you think you're handsome?

No, do you think I'm handsome? In your way. What the fuck does that mean? If you think, no, I mean, you ask me if you're handsome. Yeah, do you think I'm ugly? No, you're not ugly. What am I? You're in the middle.

You're average. That's it, that's fucking it, that's it. No, that's it. I would not speak. No, you're not like, I'm not saying you're in the middle. You're below average. No, of course, I will not tell you that you're a Brad Pitt. You're not Brad Pitt, babe.

I'm not Brad Pitt, no. But you're not ugly. Thank you. Thank you. He's not ugly. What about Gilbert, ma? Oh, I don't remember the face of Gilbert. He's unrecognizable.

Unmemorable. You showed it to me. Oh, the dancing one? The dancing one? In the video where he was dancing, like Kalala was telling me that he was advertising in an insurance. Yeah. And he's a good dancer, though.

No, no, no, no. I don't remember, but he's OK. OK, thank you, mom. Sige, ma, I love you. Sige, ma. So Bobby is below average, and I'm OK. No, she says you're handsome in your own way. That's what she said first.

No, she said, no, fuck it. In your own way. Fuck it, she said middle. Call her out. Yeah, she said middle. She said middle. Hi, Nako. So on the last episode, we took the liberty

to rehash old love affairs. And I said that, you know, Bobby, when he was younger, was a different kind of guy. He was actually really sweet. He isn't what he is now. He's an animal now. He's an animal with women. He's an animal with me.

And he's full of confidence, but he wasn't always like that. And I said that you would be kind enough to read a few old diary passages for us. I just don't know what to read here, you know what I mean? About the first time he was truly in love with a girl. We got to hear that one. OK, but no, but it's not. OK, let me find it.

Wait. You're saying he's probably sweet with you, right? You guys are along. He's sweet. He wrote me like this week. All right, here it is. I mean, I have something here. OK, this is not this week.

The date is February 14, 1996. Is that a long time ago? That's very long. How old were you then? 1996. Yeah, probably four. Four years old. Five years old.

You were born in the 90s? No, I was born in 89. Oh, OK, so. I don't know how to do math. Anna is my new obsession. My feelings for Anna is a form of adolescent puppy love or teenage lust. The amazing discovery I've made about myself

is that I'll be attracted to anyone who looks good. And I feel comfortable around Anna. She is a happy person. And then it just goes on to February 27. I've seen a new low. I'm so sick and tired of my comedy material. It's driving me crazy. I am a new man starting tonight.

Laughs can be addictive. And yet the type of laughs I'm getting are obvious. I mean, my comedy needs to be subtle, clever. And Anna isn't helping me at all. I can't get my mind off of her. And yet I know our relationship cannot grow beyond friends. Amber is somebody I want to go out with because I don't think about her too much.

It's been my experience that I get obsessed over women that I cannot have. It's not that these women are better than me. It's just that I can't have them. That's what I'm attracted to, that I can't have part. Amber likes me. I don't like Amber. That's why I'm going to chase after her.

Ha, confused. Me too. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. What am I going to do with my life? That's that. That's one journal entry. It goes on and on and on. Oh, you got March 6, 1996.

Can I ask, when do you write these at night or just any time during the day? I don't know, dude. I was a fucking 24 plus years ago. Gilbert, what the fuck? This was 20 years ago. Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit?

I just feel like you lit a candle. Was it 1149, near noon? March 6, 1996. I think I made the mistake of my life. I spent the last several days with Anna, and I felt like an anxious ball of confusion. And so with a little advice from my friends, I decided to be upfront with her.

I don't think I got my point across. I mean, I told Anna how I felt, but she didn't respond the way I wanted her to respond. What, what, what I have done, what have I done? I should have just, I should have just something, the relationship developed. And yet I know from past experiences that honesty is crucial.

Fuck, I said. So basically what it was was, I was in an unrequited love with this girl named Anna Bieldenus, right? I waited tables at a restaurant, and I was obsessed with her. Okay, I was obsessed with her. And the one day I said, this is how I feel, and she didn't feel the same way. And the, but what was worse is that a year after that,

I still hung out with her every day. Whipping boy. That was, I followed her around. You know what I mean? And I, yeah. I still think that's really cute. I think every guy is going to go through that unrequited love phase at some point in their lives.

And I think every girl will too. I'm just hoping they get, they snap out of it by the time, the best time they can. I hung out with a girl named Ashley Brown when I was 19. Oh, the names, Bobby. Jesus Christ. And Ashley Brown, I hung out with every day for like six months, right?

So one night, she was a cute white girl, and one night we were watching a movie at her house, and I put my hand, I go, you, this is the night. This is fucking six months. If you can't close the deal in one or two dates, it's over, right? But back then I would go out every day for six months, right? And as soon as I put my hand on her knee,

she goes, what are you doing? And I put it off, and then that was it. Oh, wow. You were not persistent then. Now he does like- I had no money. Now he does like- I was ugly.

Kamikaze hands. And now I have fungi on my hands. I give a fuck. I don't fuck what I transferred. Yeah, I mean, but yeah, I was like you, you know? Just- I don't think you should ever lose that about yourself though, Gilbert.

The fact that you are such a giving sweet, generous little soul. Women don't respond to it with Gilbert and look at me right now. But you just said the last time that they do. I said to be aloof and you were like, no, don't be aloof. We like to contradict ourselves on this show. I don't give a fuck.

I'm being real right now, dude. Who cares? Look at me right now, dude, okay? No, look at me right now, seriously, all right? You can't be too nice. We've already gone through this. You can't. That's it, I'm not gonna-

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I read you. And I used to be like you, all right? But then Jennifer Fields, my first girlfriend, changed all of that. And I did 69 with her in her apartment in Oceanside. Wow. It was the first time I ever did it.

And I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to adjust my body. So like- Was she taller than you? She was way taller, right? So I was licking her belly button. It was really weird. Oh, God.

You thought the belly button was the vagina? No, no, no, I knew what it was. I mean, come on. I'm not a fucking retardant. I'm like, I don't know what this is. So like she did it and I was like on the bottom. She was on top of me and her belly button. So I just didn't know what to do.

So I just started licking her belly button around. Like it was a donut and she's like, what are you doing? And I go, oh no, I know where to go. So I just kind of did the kiss down to her vagina. Was she just not aware of her dimensions as a human body? She was at the time 23, this is my age. Who cares? Know your dimensions by the time you're 14.

Can you or can you not properly 69? I'm gonna take the blame on that because of the fact that I had never done it before. I saw you, saw how small you were when I first met you. I was like, there's just no way for 69. I'm gonna squat right on his face. And I did. I was like, I'm just gonna just ride the shit out of his face.

Yeah, she's very direct, yeah. You know what I mean? I'm not gonna fucking try and like maneuver and crouch and to get a 69 plus 69 is like for 14 year olds. Who does that anymore? I like it still. Ew, no, it's like, it's so dated. Yeah, but you're not even focused on the sensation

because you're too busy delivering as well. That's why I like it. You know what I mean? Like I'm working, but it feels good. You know, you get both work ethic and that sensation. It's sensations. So anyway, I have something that I need to share with you guys that's a little private

and I feel a shame about it, which is I realized I have American guilt and I'm an American citizen and- It should be universal guilt. I have universal guilt. And I could spend my money building an orphanage in Africa. Instead. You understand? I know what an orphanage is.

Do you know what an orphanage and do you know what Africa is? I'm not sure what the second one is. Okay. And I could be doing a lot of things, helping hobos. You know. Transmium. Whatever. Why do you feel so guilty? Because last week, my accountant,

I have an accountant called me into his office in Marina Del Rey and I went in there and he, I went into his office and he had this, you know, he has a like a binder with my transactions on it and he goes, you spent $1,000 on SimCity build it. No. On the iPad game? You know that big game I play?

Yeah. It spends $1,000. How honest are we trying to be? Clio, give us the real number. Sweetie. Sweetie. Sweetie. This is something that I don't want people to know and I said a thousand.

Okay. Can I just say, I just want to point out- You just don't. Okay. All right. Go ahead. All I'm saying is you were about to make a confession, which I thought was, wow, how honest and earnest and you know, pretty big of you to admit to something you're ashamed of, right? But then you lied about a piece of information

in that confession, which makes you- Because I- You should have double guilt now. Okay. Can I just say this? Double universal guilt. I just want to say FYI for your information is that when you're playing a game like SimCity Build It, which is an iPad game, you visit other people's cities.

Okay. Now my city is called Tiger Belly. It is based on this podcast. Okay. So when people visit my city, you want to have a pier. You want to have, you know, landmarks. You want to have a nice beach. You want to have buildings. You need a Tokyo town. You need a little French quarter. And I did all those things.

Soccer stadium. I have a soccer stadium. I have the Sydney Opera House in it. I have a bunch of shit. Okay. I spent a lot of money on it. A thousand more. I have guilt for you. And that's not even my money, but I cry every day.

Every time I see you at Clash of Clans on your iPad, I cry. Well, I no longer play Clash of Clans. And the leader of my clan now is some, that little Asian guy from San Francisco. What's his name? He goes by Pikachu. Pikachu. Pikachu is now the leader of my Clash of Clans.

I don't even get on it. If I'm ever afraid to see even what my fucking clan looks like, it's probably destroyed. Damn. And I let it go. And I learned from my mistake. Anyway, I feel American guilt. I could have built a orphanage in Africa.

Whatever. I feel bad. And you know what? From now on, so I've been playing some city since last Thursday and I haven't bought anything. I just watch it. Is that hard? It's very difficult to do. Because I'm like, God, I can, you know what I mean?

Upgrade this building faster if I could just- You have to show him your city. It's beautiful. I don't know where this is. It's beautiful. The only thing I don't like about his city that I'm like truly against is the fact that he has buildings on the beach. And it's-

Well, it's one of those games where population counts because the more people that you have in your city, the more taxes you can have. And if you build stuff that's on the beach, it elevates your population. Understand, lady? Yeah, but it's like cheap fucking Miami gross Florida. Well, you know what?

I do what the people want. And my people want- You're like mayor- My people want a roller coaster. You're like mayor Ed Lee from San Francisco. You're bastardizing the town. Okay, first of all, I hate it when you call me Ed Lee. We role-played the other day during sexualities.

And do you know who mayor Ed Lee is? The mayor of San Francisco. Yes, but he's the guy who's all about like pushing. He's like that new wave of techies coming into San Francisco and basically kicking out the artists, the teachers, the creative types out of San Francisco because like rent is so high now. But mayor Ed Lee is part of this whole movement

of just bringing in all these kids, you know, in that work for Dropbox that work. It's like a Silicon Valley now, basically. And unfortunately for me, he looks exactly like me, but like 20 years from now. Asian guy? He's Asian. He's got a mustache.

Leave it to an Asian guy too. He's chunky kinda. And she's been calling me Ed Lee, especially in sex. And she was like- So he said he- She goes, so anyway, so you're gonna be able to get me a job at one of these tech companies?

I was like, hey, can I be an intern at Dropbox? And when she did that as an improviser, you have to agree. Yes, I agree. So then you're like, yeah, so I'm Ed Lee. And yes, I'm gonna give you a tech job. But your soul's like crushed. I'm crushed because I'm like, I don't wanna pay this part.

I'm just one of his IT hoes. Yeah. Or that IT hoes, he's the little tech hoes. And then she's like, well, I guess you can have sex with me then, right? And I'm like, as Ed Lee going, yeah, I am. Midway through pumping, I'm like, are you gonna get me that promotion?

And he has to keep promising me things until I'm CFO. Meanwhile, I'm trying to shift the thing like, I'm a vampire now. She keeps calling me Ed Lee. Not right now, Eddie. Yeah. I'm trying to change the scenario, you know what I mean? You're trying to, yeah, segue it.

Yeah. Yo, bitch, you're in the wrong alleyway. And she's just like, no, Ed, I'm not. Hey, you're Ed Lee, why are you talking like that? Oh wow, you're so persistent. So she's like shifting it back to like me as Ed Lee. So I had to be Ed Lee the whole time while we were making love at it and liking it.

You were so angry. How does the scenario end? The storyline. Oh, I become CFO. I mean, she comes over with the brawl. And she always starts it. I never start these scenarios. I say things like, why are you trying to get rid

of the flower district on this street and this street? Why are you kicking out all the teachers? Is it for me? Is it for girls like me from Wisconsin who are 24 and are trying to be in this idea incubator so we can make San Francisco super rich and elitist? And now I have to listen to this and stay hard. That's very difficult to do.

This is one sentence. Holy shit. I'm like, yeah, I guess. He's like, fuck the flower district. Seriously, I'm a vampire. Come on, come on, come on, please. Yeah. But did you know that they calculated this?

Somebody calculated, San Francisco is so expensive to live now that you could essentially live in Las Vegas, pay rent for a two bedroom apartment, fly from Las Vegas to San Francisco every day and still pay less than living in San Francisco. Geez. Yeah, I know. Someone actually calculated that and it's real.

That's how expensive it is. The techie is ruined. Ruined it. That town. Ruined it. So if you're not making six figures, you can't live in San Francisco. It's just, it's not.

There's a place that we watched this documentary and it's like, there's a place that has like a $56 burger and it's like, for what, bro? No one's buying that shit. Yeah, they do. I love ours. We fucking bought it. I sell those in my city and my city.

We bought a fucking $24 oyster. It was not oyster, it's scallop. Just one fucking scallop the other day. Yeah, we did, yeah. 24. But that's why we were... This is why comedy is shifting too in San Francisco. So Bobby used to say that San Francisco

was always his favorite place to perform because people or the creative types were always so open. They would go to the comedy clubs. They were already happy with their lives. They're full of soul. He would crush. And it would be pandemonium. It would be one of his favorite places to play.

And what's it like now, Bobby? They're just, the audiences are tighter. Stiff. They're stiffer. And it reminds me of playing like, I'll just give you an example. Playing Irvine is way funner in terms of just, in terms of what the reaction is.

There are times in San Francisco where it's really tough. It's like playing a little rock. Just tight white people. Used to see, you know what I mean? Like Mexican vampires and black dudes with Mohawks and leather jackets and Asians that look like me. Now they have, they're all shirt tuckers. Really?

Or khaki pants, yeah. This is why, a friend of mine, I don't know how true this is, but he's lived in San Francisco all his life. And he told me that this is the reason why there's more transient violence from like the homeless population now is because when the artists, the teachers, the musicians,

the creative types lived in San Francisco, the homeless population never fucked with them because these people were street savvy and they knew how to not be fucked with. But now these 24 year old little, you know, I almost like, how do I say? Like they haven't been exposed quite yet to like the city life.

So they're coming in from all different parts of the country. Like just super stiff and super proper. These homeless people are now like, we can take advantage of these motherfucking nerds. And so there's more robberies now. So there's more theft. There's overall more violence because these people aren't street savvy

and they're not the cool people that once took over San Francisco. Not to say that they're all out of the city, but they are driven slowly being driven out in droves out of that city. And it's a pity because everything that makes San Francisco so great is decades upon decades of people like that

who had an agenda, who had soul, who had, you know, just this overall like creative spirit about them. And now it's almost gone. And he can feel it as a comedian. I do feel it. I dread it. I dread it. And let me just say something about the nerds.

Okay. Hey, nerd, listen, listen, nerd. Okay. Just cause you wear skinny jeans and you wear those fucking Sherlock Holmes shoes with no socks and you grew out of beard, doesn't mean that you're like cool. It means you're a fucking nerd still.

And these are kids who, who because these are the kids who like, I'm not saying all of them. This is sort of unfair to say, right? But usually, you know, when, when you, when you do everything right and you go to college and you graduate when you're 22, I'm sorry to say you probably don't have that much of a personality.

Hard times sort of give you a coat of character, living life a little bit tougher, seeing things give you, gives you a little bit, not a little bit, a lot more character. I feel like these kids never had that, that, that curve, that sort of learning curve to really learn about life. So they've done everything right. Now they're moving into the city with a lot of money

and you know, there's, there's, it's lacking. It's like bland. It's bland. They're bland. It's like a suburb now. I don't know how better way to like explain it. I'm just at a loss for words. Like I'm just, my head's not turned on today, but you get what I mean, right?

Yeah. But the nerds have taken over comedy. They have. I have to, I have to now, I have to kiss their ass. Oh, that's. Yeah. Like nerd, alt comics or nerd comics? Yeah, alt comics in general to get on, you know,

to get on that show, what's that, at midnight? Yeah. You have to talk to nerds to get on that. It's a nerd show. Yeah. I have been on it twice and they won't have me back on there. Really? Yeah.

I try to do it. Hey, Chris, man, do you hear about Ryan Adams? Did just a Taylor Swift album? That's not nerd. I don't know whatever. I tried. That's why I failed. I don't know what the fuck are you talking about, Bobby.

Why the fuck are you talking about Taylor Swift on this show? I mean, I don't know what to say. Nerds are anti-Taylor Swift. No, but you know, Ryan Adams doing a Taylor Swift cover, maybe that's what a sixth grader would say. Well, that's why I'm not a nerd. I don't know what to say, you know what I mean? But I try to get on that show.

I did it. I thought I did a couple of good shows, but who were you with on that show? Well, it was Ben, what's his name? Doug Benson? Ben Z? Doug Benson. Doug Benson.

And the other one was Auri Shaffir one time. And the other one was, I forgot. I don't think that's a nerd show. I feel like they get everybody on that show. Well, Chris Hardwick, he's like a nerd. Yeah, but I can't get. He's a nerdist. There are guys that have been on that show 60 times, right?

Like Esther Pavinsky. Pavinsky. Whatever her name is, has been on it way more than I have, right? And I try to get on it. And it's like, we're failed, but you do it every fucking night. We're failed. Yeah.

So I just stop asking. It's not the end of the world. It's just one show. I know, but it made me sad that I want to be a nerd. You can't be a part of that. You don't want to be a nerd. I have nerd qualities. Oh, no, you know what?

You are super nerdy. I have nerd qualities. No, you're nerdy. Straight up. Oh, fuck. Deep in your bones, baby. These are funny. And I mean that in the greatest way.

And I love that about you. Look at me right in the eyes right now. And tell me how I'm nerdy, aside from video games. OK, you're a toy collector, right? Do you feel like I'm going to say this right now? You keep your thought. I love it. I love it.

If you laugh like that fucking again, I swear to God, you and I are going to have a fucking problem. OK, Gilbert, OK? If you have a smirk, I get to do tie kicks to your legs. Other leg then, OK? No, your leg. I will kick it. The same one, Kalilah?

Yeah, because it really hurts my feelings when you laugh like that. I'm sorry. OK? Go ahead, Kalilah, tell me how I'm a nerd. You are, OK, let's start from the beginning. You own every single toy from 1940 to present. And it's littered all over our home.

OK. And they're still in their boxes. Good enough. I'm a collector. You're a collector. I like collecting toys. Right? And you know the history of it.

OK, I'm a collector. OK. That's what collectors know. Right. You're a movie aficionado. That's it. Stop, stop, stop. OK.

Ah! Ah! What was that for? He laughed. Oh, yeah, you're not allowed to laugh. I'm being real, fuck. Oh, you got it. I'm not fucking around right now.

I'm being real. Oh, no, no, he's hurt. Look at his face. He's like scared. Don't be scared. Just don't laugh. Everything's fine. Go ahead, baby.

Get me so hard. You are way too enthusiastic about anything next gen or Star Trek. Like, if I were to even make one mistake about where Picard was on this episode, you would basically break up with me over it. You should know if he was on Ten Forward. You should know if he was on the holodag.

You should know things like that. And if you don't know, don't mention it. OK, I have a question for you. Go ahead. Who was Luke Skywalker's? What was the name of Luke Skywalker's aunt? OK, there's Uncle Owen. This is Uncle.

Aunt Marjorie? No, I was so close, but not really. Baru. Aunt Baru. I got you at something. Oh, my god. Let's stop, stop. Number one, that proves I'm not a nerd.

Is that correct? That makes you believe she's a nerd. You just went against me. She's a nerd. You're a nerd. I really thought you would know this. No, because I'll tell you why I know Uncle Owen and not that fucking lady.

Aunt Baru. Because Uncle Owen, Uncle Owen, who's Uncle Owen's brother? I'm going to ask him that. Yeah, OK. I don't know. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Because when Obi-Wan Kenobi separated the twins, he brought Luke to Tatooine and gave it to his brother, Owen.

That's how Uncle Owen knows all the stuff about him. When he brings up like that, you know what I mean? You know, well, you know. I don't know. Well, you know. Well, you know now. Yeah, you know now. You know now that it's Aunt Baru.

Aunt Baru. I'm not as retarded as I thought. So is those two things. Let me ask you then a question. I'm going to stop saying the word retarded. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Me too.

OK, I'll ask you a star. I don't know anything about Star Trek. She hasn't seen the second or third movie. Of? Of any of the Star Wars. Oh, Star Wars. We're on Star Wars. You never saw Empire Strikes Back.

I've seen Empire Strikes Back. OK, there we go. Now I can ask her some questions, OK? But not in a really long time. All right, who did Billy Dee Williams play? I'm sorry. I don't know already. Yuri said Billy.

Who did Billy? How about this? The only black guy in the show. What did he play? Oh, come on. Let's just keep going, guys. I hate this shit. Who did Billy Dee Williams play?

I don't know. Oh, he played Lando. You think he exactly? Oh, Lando Creason? Yeah. Oh, OK. Yeah. That's it.

That's fine. Let's keep going. OK. All right. I think I know some of these. It's just OK. No, ask him now. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're just retaliating because you didn't know who Aunt Baru was. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And now it's revenge, OK? Because I'm sorry. I thought you were well versed in the new hope. Revenge of the nerves. I'm just saying this, OK?

So I'm going to just ask you some questions. You raise your hand if you know the answer, OK? OK, got it. It's a jungle Asian contest. OK, on Tatooine, in the new hope, in the first episode, the creatures wearing the brown robes with the golden eyes, what are they called? Wait, hang on one second.

The ones who say, God, can you give me a clue about the sound that they make? Uttini. Uttini. What are they? Oh my god. They're called what? I'm looking at.

I don't know what they're called. I keep thinking dregs, but that's from Destiny. Yeah. What are they? Jawas. Jawas. They're called Jawas, OK? All right, so what are the other, I want this,

the other creatures on Tatooine that are very dangerous, that Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker, when he gets stranded and he sees Obi-Wan in the valley. Yeah, what are they called? The, like, ah, fuck, I don't remember. Ewoks? They're not Ewoks.

Shut the fuck up. Jesus Christ, Gilbert. Shut the fuck up. When they're going through the valley, and then Obi-Wan Kenobi says, you have to be careful, because of these people, and then he eventually does encounter one of those people, and he gets captured. And she only knows this, because I

made her watch The New Hope like two months ago. When? When did we watch The New Hope? On my iPad, we saw it. No, we didn't, Bobby. In the first beginning, we did. Hell, no, we didn't. I've watched that entire movie all the way till the end.

But you never saw Empire Strikes Back or the third one. I have seen Empire Strikes Back, because my memory doesn't serve me right right now, because it's been a long time. One more question. Sand people. Oh, fuck. That just sounds like a racist or a racial state.

Yeah, it's not a racial. The emperor, you know the emperor? OK. What was his name before he was the emperor, OK? And what was his job? I'm so lost right now. OK, the emperor is the guy that trained Darth Vader's boss. Remember, in the return of the Jedi,

he is wearing the black robe. Yeah, Senator Palpatine. That's it, that's it. Oh, yeah. That's it. He's a senator and his name is Senator Palpatine. Oh, shit. Yeah, OK.

Let me ask you this, just collide with us. No, could we just one last one last one? No, I refuse. I refuse. I'm blocking off all. I'm deflecting your question. OK, that's it. That's fine.

Because you already made me feel stupid. You fucking challenged me with Ag and Peru. Because you make me feel stupid for not knowing any type of movie. So I was like, you know what, I'm going to ask you one question. I already apologized for Kaiser Soze. Oh, can I tell you guys a cool story? It's not that cool.

Go ahead. I got a text from a guy who apparently was a Tinder match from two years ago. But now he listens to our podcast. And the cool part is that. The reason it's relevant is because he works for Tesla. And he listened to the Elon Musk versus Kaiser Soze. And he didn't even know who Kaiser Soze was.

And he works for Tesla. It's Paul from Ohio. I remember him being a real. I never met him in person. Well, Paul. Don't say anything. He's nice. I'm not going to say anything.

I'm sure he's very nice. I want to educate Paul. Well, Paul, OK. There was a movie called Usual Suspects, all right? And at the time, it was a cult hit. It was what they call the sleeper hit, right? It was Brian Singer's first movie, OK, which later he did the X-Men movies.

And he did that shitty Superman one returns. And it was just a cult hit. It's like saying, I don't know what the Sasha redemption is. That's fine. It's absolutely fine. And as a nerd, what's his name? Paul? Paul?

I know you're a nerd. You're into Telsas. He's into Telsas, he said. Telsas, OK. But seriously, be real. Go ahead, baby. No, that was the end of my story. And he was like, hey, but he was like,

you probably don't remember me, but I totally did remember who he was. We never went out on a date, though. Why? What do you mean? Why didn't you go on a date with him? Because I only had Tinder for about a week. And that's when I matched with him and maybe a few other people

that I only talked to via text. And you were the first and only person. And I stopped there. I stopped to search, baby. And you know why? I'm a game changer. Boom. And I closed deals.

OK, what's his name? Paul. OK, Paul? Paul. I think he's from Ohio. He's crazy. Is that like, my memory is fucking weird, right? Remember is amazing.

Like, I don't, I haven't, I probably exchanged like five sentences with this guy in total, right? But the fact that he, the fact that I remember that he's from Ohio, I think he likes soccer a little bit, I think. And I think he's really family-oriented. That's something that I remember about this person who I've never met and I've spoken, you know, five words to. Can I say something to you guys?

Yes. I know that you guys make fun of me for knowing so much about the Next Generation Star Trek. Ew, gross that you just literally tweeted your own horn right there. But I just want to say this, is that it's something that I love, I love, I love it. And as my partner, I feel like you

should get involved with stuff that I love. With Star Wars? Yeah. Star Trek. Oh, Star Trek, Next Gen, yeah. So not next episode, but in about a week, next week's episode, all right? I'm going to do a quiz on you guys.

I'm going to ask you questions about the Next Gen. And I want you guys to just do some homework. OK, here. Can we have a contest between me and Gilbert? And then you're going to ask me to do an agenda. What agenda? I want to get involved in stuff that you like. So ask me to study more.

You have been pretty good about it. You know I love MMA, and you're slowly starting to rediscover it in your own way, even though you only watch the women's strawweight division. But you know, I'll take it. I'm obsessed with Juana Yongchecek, and everyone knows that. So is there anything else that I can study?

I will study it, and I'll be studious. I think that what I would like for you to get to know more about is just nutrition and human anatomy in general. Because she thinks I'm dying. I'm going to say this, too. OK, the other day, what did you say about my nails, baby? Oh, so I looked at his fingernails,

and I said, oh, you have clubbing. Clubbing is actually, it looks like it's like a curved fingernail. Look at his fingernails, Gilbert. So you do the nail test. When you do this, when you hold your fingers like this, your nail should be touching all the way through. In his case, because it's usually

linked to either a long or heart disease, his periphery is probably poorly oxygenated. And over time, his nail bed starts to curve upwards. So anyway, the other day. And it's actually people with emphysema, people with COPD, and things like that have clubbing. And I told him, look, you're clubbing. And for the whole day, he freaked out,

and it was just like googling. I googled photos of clubbing, and I started my fingers for like nine hours. Of course, he went on like a two-hour denial rant, and he was like, this is just Korean fingers. Yeah, but that's what happened was she then she told her friend, Jessica. Who's also a smoker.

Who's also a smoker. Said that her fingers are clubbing, and she goes, fuck you, I'm Korean. And then if you look at all the Koreans' fingers, our fingers are like that. So I guess my ethnicity has clubbed fingers. I think that you sound exactly like somebody who's in denial, my friend.

But it's OK. You know what? Everybody who doesn't want to change a certain part of their lifestyle is always going to be in denial, and that's OK. It's your life. I'm going to just say this, and I love you so deeply that I hear everything you say, and I don't want to die.

And you know what? I'm also going to say this 100%. I probably have clubbed fingers, and I probably have bad circulation to my fingertips, which make them clubbed, or whatever. And I probably have lung disease, or heart disease, or whatever you know what I mean, or I'm going to get it. So that I'll accept, and I'm saying you're right.

But what I am saying is that I have almost 14 years of sobriety, and I used to drink 24 hours a day, do drugs 24 hours a day. And the last thing I have is cigarettes and coffee. And it's very difficult to let the last two vices go. And so what I'm saying is that I just want you to, because of the stress level of performing, I get really nervous still when I do shows.

Like if I'm in any show, and I got to go to San Diego, my hometown, next weekend to do shows, I'm nervous about it. Actually, this Thursday. This Thursday. Right? And I'm going to smoke because I get anxiety. I want to do a good job.

And it's stressful. OK? So what I'm saying to you is that I 100% agree with you. I'm going to do everything I can to stop. Right? We're going to see, are you going to make, am I going to go to the doctor's tomorrow? That's only for your foot.

Oh, I have to see a doctor for my foot. Let's start with my foot. Work your way up. And work my way up to my fingers. OK? But I'm 44. I feel OK. But you're probably right.

And I want to lose weight anyway. So there we go. And you know what? I'm not going to, you know what? I'm going to listen to you, and I 100% agree with you. I'm open. But I'm just letting you know how difficult it is. OK?

But you're also OK. I understand that. And I accept that. And I think that I get it. I get it. I do. It's like, look, that's you've, out of the 10 things you were addicted to, now we're down to one or two.

And that's great. That's great. Because I mean, I still can't let go of certain addictions, right? But you also have to understand that coming from a medical background like myself, we're literally taught in school to continually like educate people and having had a father who smoked

for 40 years and having him getting cancer at the end and emphysema. And just seeing in general or being around certain patients that eventually died from some type of respiratory disease, I look at you and I see somebody who fills every single criteria for a young death. And I don't want that.

And so you also have to understand it from my perspective because I'm now, I'm equipped with all this knowledge to assess risk on an individual, right? Like I said. And it brings, and I'm fearful. And I know I say it out of fear. I don't say it out to nag you or to make to disrupt your joy in any way.

I know I'm just really afraid. I know you are. And I love you for it. And OK, I heard everything you said. OK, now I want to look at Gilbert. OK, and I'm being real. If I give you 40 bucks, I'm super hungry. Can you go to talk about?

Can you go to Taco Bell? Can I get a Taco Bell tonight? After what I just said, unless they have. I didn't ask them to go to the smoke store. OK. What can you eat then? Pizza, how to store them? It's your life.

We do have a fridge full of healthy food right now. Read the, you want to do the what? The question thing? What is it called? Unhelpful advice. Unhelpful. You want to go on that? Are you sure you want me to?

I 100% want to. Because we have a ritual. So let's do unhelpful advice. Go ahead, do the sound. Unhelpful advice with Bobby and Coloco. We just bought an air horn. We have a big budget now. OK, I'm going to go have a cigarette.

What are you doing? OK, you don't want to. No, no, I just, you know what I mean? If it's just for her, you know what I mean? I don't want to. Who wants to listen to just me, though? Just fucking for once, for one Tiger Valley episode. Can I just go have a?

I'm really stressed out because of my fingers. I'm worried about my own. You're worried about your club fingers. You have to have a smoke. Yes, my own mortality. OK. OK, so when your face is a man with your own mortality, it stresses you out.

I need a fucking cigarette, OK? All right. Hi, Tiger Valley. This question is mailing for Kalyla. I'm a 24-year-old Chinese guy dating a 25-year-old Filipino girl. She's great, except for the fact that she's extremely moody. It got to the point where I had to sit her down

and address the issue as a very serious matter. My question is, are mood swings really common when you're on birth control? And are they that really unpredictable? Do you have no control over them, or is it just worse than some girls and others? Kalyla? I have a question for you first.

Oh, god. That's not my email. I swear to god. No, all I'm saying is, what do you think? You're a 26-year-old guy. Do you think that women exaggerate their symptoms? You think that we, that it's all in our head. What do you think?

What is your perception of either women who have PMS or women who go through hormonal mood swings? I just accept it for what it is. I mean, I don't think anything crazy about it. I mean, it's also case by case, right? Every girl or woman reacts differently to that. Right. So, dude, first, what's his name?

Oh, well, his name is H.Y. All right, H.Y. You said that your girlfriend was Filipino. So if your girlfriend, more specifically, if your girlfriend is from Cebu, it might be that she's just fucking batshit crazy, to be honest. And she's probably genetically programmed to be a savage, because I'm a savage.

And I don't know a single Sabuana who isn't a ball buster. Fernand Magellan was killed on that island, and that should tell you something. And Gilbert and I, we're not psychologists, and we're not gynecologists. You could be. No, I couldn't be. Kalala, you could be.

I absolutely could not be. I probably have the brain capacity to absorb the information, but I don't at this point in my life have the diligence to go through med school. At one point, I really, really, truly did. But look, like, ah. Except you basically had a four-point GPA, and you were in Spain the whole time.

That's true. And everyone in your class hated you for that. I partied all throughout the nursing school, and they'd say, it's a pity, but I got it done. So I'm going to answer your question strictly from a woman's point of view, who has been on several different types of birth control pills. And you can chime in, Gilbert, if you have anything to say.

You hit me with the knowledge, girl. All right, so for a woman, finding the right pill can be really tricky. It's often, and I'm telling, I'm across the board. Any woman will tell you this. It's a trial and error process. She could be on the wrong formulation of pill for her body.

Let's say, for instance, if I, for example, let's take the pill, Levora. Levora is something that I took in the past. It could have zero effect on my mood, while it could possibly wreak havoc on your girlfriend's mood. It's just different formulations do different things for different people, right?

And usually, it takes the body a few weeks to even, or even months to get used to the new intake of hormones. Like, a pill has estradiol, estrogen, basically, and progesterone, two different types of hormones. Like, imagine taking, when you've never taken it before, and all of a sudden, adding that into your body chemistry. How many, how long would you take, I guess, on average, for, just in general, how long would it take for the hormones

to adjust, like, a month? It depends. Some women have zero adjustment period. Some women, it takes months. So it's basically, like, for me, like, usually, the things you'll feel at first is, like, nausea, weight gain, spotting, like, which is all normal in the beginning. What a chocolate panties.

Yeah. But in my experience, like, I could tell fairly early, when a pill wasn't right for me. And it usually was based on how I felt emotionally. Like, for instance, I remember, like, one pill made me feel, like, void rage. Like, I felt, like, I felt, like, Ricardo Arona on, like, super anabolic steroids.

If you don't watch MMA, look up Ricardo Arona. He's not abusive, though. He doesn't have road rage. I don't even know why I said that. He's tan as fuck, like you. Very handsome. Very, very, very super-roydy body, though. Perfect body.

Basically, he looks like me, whatever, continue. So anyways, like, I remember, like, I would cry incessantly for no reason, and I would fall into these, like, deep slumps of depression. But after sticking it out for three months, because I'm, like, look, I'm going to give my body three months to get used to this, right? It just would not go away.

So eventually, I got, you know, I asked to get switched to a different, like, tricycline, another formulation of pill. And then I took that for five years, and I had zero problems. I'm surprised you let it go for three months. What do you mean? After a month, I would be like, oh, I feel like shit.

I'm going to switch. I mean, it is, you know, it's your own threshold. And I'm not a pussy. So sometimes I like stick it out longer than I probably should. But another thing also is that you mentioned, did he mention she had ADHD? I think I read the full email. Yeah.

Yeah, she has ADHD. Right. So another thing to consider is that she has ADHD. And from my experience with my friends who have ADHD, they have awful mood swings. Awful. And they often have difficulty with regulating their mood. So if they're in a funk or if they're sad,

they usually have a very difficult time shaking that off. I think there's even a term called, like, ADHD swings or something like that. So it could be, and this is obviously just me talking from my experience with depression, birth control pills, and all of those things, it could be that the birth control pills or the wrong formulation that she's on, that could just be,

that could be exacerbating her already existent mood swings from her ADHD. So my final piece of advice is, look, dude, just be open with her. Let her know you're trying your best to understand it and that you even went as far as to ask unqualified podcasters on a segment called Unhelpful Advice. If she's a fucking, if she's just a complete fucking monster

who doesn't want to seek help or isn't taking steps to better her situation, I think you're too young to carry that on your shoulders. I mean, this guy's only 24. You're 24, you shouldn't be miserable. Unless, unless, the sex is just way too good and your penis wants to live a life of a martyr. That's all I have to say about that.

What do you think, Bilbo? I think you're a real doctor. I'm not. I shouldn't even be giving people advice. I'm a moron. Disclaimer, this is her theories. Don't go try and diagnose the world with covalent diagnosis.

Yeah, go see someone. Hey, Bobby's not here. You know what we should talk about? What should we talk about? Favorite topic we always narrative about on the phone. MMA. You want to jump in on this MMA minute, sweetie? Well, yeah, talk about the fight this weekend.

I actually, you know, you might have some insight because guess who's fighting? Who? A Vitor Belfort. You've known him because you used to watch Pride, right? Yeah, I love Vitor. You do? Yeah, I do.

I think he's handsome. He's a little old. Uh-huh. You know, I know he used to play. He fought Sakuraba once. Yes, he did. Sakuraba won. And I also want to say this is that for my birthday,

my beautiful Kalayla bought me a Sakuraba t-shirt. I did. She ordered it from London and that's really nice. So Vitor, who is he fighting? He's fighting Dan Henderson. He's gonna die. No, I'm kidding. Dan Henderson's old, too.

He's old. He's old. Yeah, I don't know why. Dan Henderson's older, though, than Vitor. Vitor is still ranked number four. Yeah, this fight seems so old. This is Vitor not after our team. This is a rubber match.

This is a rubber. This is the third time they're fighting. Nothing's at stake. You know what I mean? It's probably the last one, huh? I would say that. Yeah, but this is in Sao Paulo, Brazil and Vitor has a huge draw amongst Brazilians.

He's actually the highest paid in sponsorship next to Ronda Rousey. Can you believe that? I cannot believe that. And this is a guy who's been basically roided out of his mind his whole life. But you know, he's been in the game for so long and I respect him.

I don't respect him that much. I respect, like I respect Jose Aldo. And let me tell you something right now. Okay. Listen up, Connor. Connor, you better win. What? Wait, wait.

I thought you were rooting for Jose? I am, because you better win because if you don't, you look like a fool. It's foolish. When a man talks that much and he can't pull through, that's very foolish, my Irish friend. I mean, when he gets everyone in the UFC paid 10 times more than they would normally without him.

And another thing, okay? Fuck you, Jose Mourinho. Okay, you deserve this. What place are they? Chelsea is the number 16. They're 15th or 16th in the Premier League. Arsenal's at the top of the table, baby. Arsenal's at the top of the table

and he's been ripping on Arsenal Manger for years, okay? And you deserve it. And it's because it's karma. That's what it is. What's the background behind that? The guy you just said, the first one. Jose Mourinho. I don't even want to even talk to you about it

if you don't even know the background. Okay. He's a Chelsea coach. That's all you really need to know. Oh, you're sure? But he's a really pompous guy, like he. You remind me of the comedian that opened for me once. I was playing New Jersey at a casino

in a comedian before me said a joke saying that you know the reason why there are no soccer dads or soccer moms? Because soccer sucks. And after the show, I went, excuse me, hi. Can you not say that? And he goes, why? Because I love it.

And he goes, no. I go, can you please not do it? He goes, no. I go, oh, and that's it. He kept doing it. And he's a big guy, so I didn't do nothing. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was a huge. Gilbert watches soccer, but he likes Man City. I like the national teams. I like when the World Cup comes around. Bandwagon, I know. But I'm a huge Arsenal fan and I'm just happy for their success. Anyway, let's talk about Vitor and Henderson.

They're old people. There's a rubber match. It's the third time they're fighting. They deserve it. Belfort actually KOed him with a leg kick. Their last fight, right? Gilbert, you should fucking know this. Can we talk about Vansan though?

We're not there yet. We're actually going through an MMA sequence because there are fights this weekend. I'm sorry. It's okay. Actually, do we not do it? Do the next fight though. No, I need to talk about Vitor Belfort.

Okay, go. Do a TRT, go. No, cares about the, okay. But everyone, it's basically well known in the UFC and amongst other fighters that Vitor Belfort is juiced more than the regular fighter. He's juiced, juiced. He's been caught with TRT.

He's been caught with elevated, you know, but the scandal is that he was allowed to fight John Jones even after they knew he had elevated testosterone. The UFC knew. The UFC knew this. And God, there's just so much discrepancies in that organization.

Yeah, they just freed John Jones. John Jones is back in. Then I say they were going to reinstate him. You did, yeah. They actually reinstated him much sooner than I thought. But you know what? I get it from a business standpoint. John Jones is a draw.

He is a mythical character. This is where they have it wrong, right? I do realize that it's not the UFC who made the Nick Diaz decision. And I know it's like the commission in Nevada State Commission. But listen to this. You have a guy like Vitor Belfort

who's a multiple time offender. He's been, it's well known that this guy has basically juiced his whole career, right? But we keep putting him in a main card, a comane, five title shots in basically his whole career. We've, the UFC has always just opened their arms to him because he's a big draw. In the meantime, Nick Diaz.

There's only two guys I truly believe who've never juiced in the UFC. The Diaz brothers. The Diaz brothers and BJ Penn. And Nick Diaz basically gets, you know, five years for smoking weed. That to me is absolute horseshit. Bullshit.

But anyways, that's. You shouldn't do drugs. Don't. But you know what? Those old school guys like Vitor and like, I hate to say it, maybe even it's like Sakuraba blesses, you know, he's our hero. But those guys, they in that era,

I mean, they all did it, you know? And now it's just that, but the thing is that they don't test Vitor as often as they do someone Ronda Rousey, which is weird. It's like Ronda Rousey has been tested seven times in the last year. Because Vitor might get popped and they're fucked on the car.

Yeah. They don't want to catch Vitor. He's a guy who is a draw. So they want to keep him, you know, scandal free. So it's like, well, you know, let's not test them as often just in case we catch him. Cause they, they probably would. Don't get them, yeah.

So anyways, my money, what's, who's your, who do you think Vitor, Dan Henderson? I like Vitor Henderson all the way with the H bomb. Me too. H bomb all the way. Why though? I think that if Vitor throws a flurry like he did against Wideman,

like he could finish Henderson, but he's been, Henderson's been KO, he's an older guy. He's been KOed. His chin is not as good as it used to be, you know? He's the lucky guy though. He just swings. But he's a brawler, man. He's fun to watch, you know?

And this is Vitor not on TRT. What do you mean? As far as we're concerned. Oh yeah, true. As far as we know. He looks tiny. He does. I haven't seen him yet.

He looks tiny. Next fight is Glover Tashara versus Patrick Cummins. Light heavyweight still is a co-main. What do you think? I don't know them. Okay. I'm definitely putting my money on this fight because Cummins is a plus 350 underdog.

I'll say this, Bobby Cummins is a wrestler. Tashara is a striker. What do you want? A striker, a wrestler. I don't know them. It doesn't matter. That doesn't mean anything to me. Oh, you don't choose on that?

Well, I'm putting money on this. Cummins is a very high level wrestler and we know Glover has been dominated by a guy like Phil Davis, who was a wrestler in the past. So the reason Cummins is a big underdog is probably because he can get KO'd like he did by OSB and Glover got some heavy motherfucking paws on him, you know? Yeah, but I feel like, yeah, Glover,

I think that's a downhill. He's getting old comments, man. He's so confident. Is he related to Danny Glover? I think so. Is he black? No, he's a white guy. Sweetie, his first name is Glover.

His last name is Tashara. Oh, no, he's definitely white. Sorry, my bad. I want to fight that fan. I really do. Would you take him in an amateur fight? If they give me one year to train, because I know that he does Muay Thai and all that stuff,

I would do it. Why would you want to fight him? I think you would do well in MMA. I've always wanted to challenge myself against him. Oh yeah, you want to wrestle this guy? This guy will give you no space to breathe. Now that I know you're a true, what a high school wrestler, pass.

Yeah, very, very strong. I have a really good balance and I think I could win. Against that fan? Yeah, but I don't think I would do it. He wouldn't do it either. You would beat him in an MMA match because you would just wrestle him. He wouldn't know what to do.

If I can take him down. You just whisper things in his ear like, oh, hashtag that fan? Yeah, hashtag yourself. What are you talking about, Bobby? You want to tell our people to subscribe and rate, baby? Yeah, hey guys, it's really helpful if you subscribe and rate us,

because the thing is that we love doing this podcast and we will do it forever. And I just love the chemistry and the love and I just enjoy doing it and I love you guys so much. And please do it. You can also follow us on Twitter at theTigerbelly on Instagram for our latest updates and just stupid videos of us abusing Gilbert at Tigerbelly.

Where can I see Bobby Shows? Oh, funny, you asked. He's gonna be in San Diego this weekend from Thursday through Saturday at the American Comedy Company. Yeah, with Crazy. Who's with Crazy? The manager there is fucking Crazy Justin.

Oh, don't say that. I mean, he's great, I mean. Bobby will, I'm about to go to the show, I'm gonna talk shit about the manager. No, he's crazy. Bobby will also be at Yuck Yuck's in Vancouver November 13th and 14th, only those two nights. At Brea Improv in Brea, California, November 22nd.

And you will see Gilbert performing on Saturday's second show. And at the Comedy Club in Webster, New York, December 10th through 12th, and I think the weekend after that, you do Fort Lauderdale. So if you guys wanna go get tickets or look at his tour dates, it's on bobbyleelive.com.

Thank you, sweetie. Thanks for listening, everybody. Good night. Thank you. Hey, Prime members. You can listen to Tiger Barely Ad-Free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen to Ad-Free with Wondry Plus

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