TigerBelly - Episode 127: Tom Segura Shares his Limo

Episode Date: January 31, 2018

Tom is first class. Bobo is economy. We talk next lovers, first dates, fuck eyes, and the shining path. Watch Tom’s special “Disgraceful” on Netflix now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly add free on Amazon music download the app today All right because we usually have a guy Gilbert, but he was busy. Oh, we do it on Monday nights Oh, right. I mean, but George is our producer. So he's gonna take over his part. What's your name again? I like you Annabelle Annabelle Annabelle. Sorry Annabelle. I'll never forget again. That's Bryce. Yeah, you know how to meet him You do the touchdown, right? Oh also don't talk until I introduce you Oh, don't ever fucking do that again. God damn it, dude Five four three two one Welcome to

Tiger Belly God, I am your um I'm me. I'm your leader. That's right. I've designated myself as your leader and I am I'm pure magic. I have problems. I have a lot of character defects and I'm going through a little depression But still follow. Okay. We have a great podcast scheduled for you. We've got my girlfriend Kalilah, is that you? Yeah, Kalilah. We got Georgetown University right there, man. Georgia Portia with this ugly orange beard. I love it, dude. It's very no come on man It's a wildling

You look like a wildling. I've been trying for it. Yeah. Thank you. It's a good look. Thank you for you And your skin is pure and your skin is white and I enjoy it We've got a cameraman the woman Annabelle old friend Good to see you old friend We got uh Cuz the cousin of George Bryce. Yeah. Yeah, he gives my girl from fuck eyes. I See Bryce, I see you man. I know I see you and you're giving her fuck eyes. All right And we have a very special guest. I mean is this this guest is okay. We've had pretty good guests on the show

Okay, we've had We had Jordan Pio Academy Award winning now or he's nominated Yeah, we got we had Stone Street on but this one's a really good one guys. We hooked up a good one He has a Netflix special out. What's it called disgraceful? I said not to talk. Sorry Until I introduced your name and that was a test. All right It's called disgraceful. Yeah, and Tom Segura everybody clap your hands Tom Segura Thank you. Thanks for having me buddy. Thank you. Oh my god. Why did you want to do this? Y'all know what it is cuz I just wanted to hang out with you Bobby. Oh you are

One of the nicest guys I've ever fucking met ever You remind me of Eric Griffin in the sense that like there's no showbiz Weirdness Eric's an asshole. Yeah, but I know but he's he would have been an asshole if he was a coal miner. Oh, I mean, I love Eric I Eric Griffin would have been an asshole wherever he is. That's who he is right? So that's what I'm saying Yeah, that his asshole-ness is just who he is. Yeah, okay. He's a nice guy. That's just who he is Tom Segura

Okay, and before we get into anything. I want to just tell the people how I met him Um, well, I truly met you and this is how I truly find I know when I actually Actually met you the very first time. Okay. Well, what say that first time the very first time I met you would have been like around 2004 or five something like that. Yeah on the streets of Melrose and it was after I show at the improv and And I saw you you're at a car like a really tall woman She blonde. Yeah, that was Sarah. That was I was dating Sarah. It's like six feet tall. Yeah And then I saw you and I was like, oh shit Bobby leaks I knew you from TV and I

Said something to you and then I like kind of like jokingly soft-pitched you a sketch Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what about yeah, and then you improvised with me and then you jumped on my back Like you I gave you a piggyback ride you I literally jumped on your back jumped on my back. Oh fuck And I was like, I'm probably gonna be on the show this week Yeah, yeah, and that's when I first met you and that okay So I hadn't seen you between the story that I have. Yeah, and that will there was really no I mean a couple times We like I would say hi. Yeah, but I didn't really know you know you and then I would say something you'd be like that's racist, dude Right, yeah, so I get booked on the odd ball comedy festival

Yeah, and I find out that it's summer of 2016 This beautiful summer of 2016. I remember it like it was yes couple years a couple years ago. Yes, and I can't I couldn't believe they asked me to do it, but um so we go I go to the airport and It's Sebastian Manas Calcos was at the airport. Tom was there. I think Dan cook was there and You know, we were supposed to get our own tickets So my manager Abby juju. She's Jewish. She wants to save money

So she always gives me coach always honey. It's not a big test. There's no difference, right? Yeah. Yeah, so These guys get first class. Yeah, so I'm I'm talking to them in the you know, you know, okay Yeah, we're giggling their first class and they all leave and I'm like now I blush and I'm going Oh my god, I gotta walk by them, right? And you know me. Let me say something walking by I don't know how Christ felt when he was like Holding the thing and yeah throwing rocks, but it felt you know similar Yeah, I would assume the only thing I regretted in that moment Yeah, was that I wasn't already better friends with you because then I would have enjoyed it

You know, you just feel sorry for him at that point No, like I because with a comic you already like they let you know what kind of person they are So there's some comics who would have given off the vibe of like don't make this a thing And you kind of like if you can pick up on people's, you know, body language and stuff You're like, all right, you'd be like but he was playing into like he was talking about it. Like I'm so embarrassed and I was like You should be yeah, you know your piece of shit go back there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's what it was Yeah, they were like booing me. Did you boo? I think they were And then we told the flight attendant to bring you stuff. Yeah, go give him this pillow. Yeah

Well, no, you came back and threw a pillow on me He took a first-class pillow and he goes hey use that, you know what I mean? And it was just So embarrassing But then that's when I knew that he was playful But here's when I knew that I really liked him and that he was a good guy is this that Apparently we were supposed to arrange our own rides From the airport. We're in Austin. Yeah to the hotel, right? And everyone got off the plane first class, you know when your friends are in first class

And you're in coach you would think that they would wait for you to deplane There's an alley on the flight too. Yeah, yeah, right No one did straight into their limos. They went right into their limos that they their people set up I don't have a limo another. I don't know how I'm gonna. I don't even know where I'm staying All right, so I'm like walkie. I don't see anybody And I walk outside and I see tom standing there with his limo driver And he says I just assumed that You don't have a ride

And I go correct correct I'll give you a ride to the hotel Who fuck I don't know. I'm about to cry. Who the fuck does that? I I mean No, let me get Who does that? I mean not only

We're not war buddies We weren't nom together You know, I wish I was you know But um, I don't know him that much. I don't know him And he does that that's fucking dope, bro Like I I would probably hurt somebody for you. Thanks buddy. You're welcome. I'm a wonderful guy Do you know what I thought I remembered though? Tell me if I'm wrong about this Yeah, I did make the assumption you didn't have the car and I waited. Yeah, didn't you come down and go like

Oh, like where's my car? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's like Is my guy here? I was like, did you book a guy? Yeah, he's like no. Yeah. Yeah. I was like that you don't have a guy Oh, I I mean a normal community would have fired his fucking people for no, dude They just you know, it's no they they they hung me out to dry Then we had a good talk on the way that we did And then we took uh, we took another car. Well, we went to the shows often was a fun show That was fun show. Yeah, and then we went out to dinner afterwards. Yeah, we did that my agent bought us

Yes, like I was like, I'm your only client. There's like six comics there. Yeah, and I was like, do you think you're gonna sign all these guys? From behind them Yeah, Allie was there. I remember Allie was at the dinner. Who else Sepp wasn't there Jermaine Fowler Jermaine Fowler He's great. He's great. He's doing great on that doughnut show. Yep. Um, yeah, I think it was us. Yeah, it was us It was fun man. That was a really fun time. Yeah, it was fun and um You know It was good to see Dane too and Sebastian and those guys, but you knew who I really bonded also with was Jeff Ross Yeah, he's a sweet guy too. Oh my god. I know him. I mean, I met him on that too

You know, he did. I didn't really I'd said hello before. Yeah. Yeah. That's the longest conversations I'd had was on that thing. Yeah, I think it would have been real if it had that was like people don't know With that tour, you know, they canceled a bunch of dates it bombed Yeah, but if they had had like a superstar headlining it and it had been a success We would have all been traveling together probably for every show and I think that would have been like super fun Yeah, that would have been really fun. Yeah, it didn't seem bounding. It felt like the end of something Yeah, I'm never in the beginning of something Like mad tv. I was not in the beginning. I was at the great run and

Yeah, the last bad years But how many years were you on eight years of the bad years fucking end of a run eight years Well, the show was on for 14 years So you're on for half of it. Yeah, but the end What eight out of 14 is like more than half. Yeah. Yeah Well, how'd you guys meet? How did you guys? I know you've done this story before but so I have context like how did you meet? We met when tinder First emerged. No

Yeah, you guys met on tinder. Yeah, he was my first and only date out of tinder. What? Yeah And I just want to fucking run Wait, what? Well, you know, I was on tinder to fucking run. Oh, I thought you meant you wanted a fucking run from me Yeah, so I thought you meant too. Yeah This is Hit it and split. What's the terminology? So when you saw her when you when you saw her you swipe I don't even know which way you swipe. Right. You swipe, right?

But that's like that. How was the how does the DMing go like you guys are well, I have a trick to it Well, he had been You know going on several dates at this point. I had just gotten the app. I think I met him like my first week Yeah, what I do is this I act like I don't know how to use it. Oh really? Yeah, that's your like game Yeah, I'll go Hi Right, and they'll go. What's up? And I'll go hi again And then they're like what and I'll be like did you say hi twice?

Yeah, that's to make it confusing a little bit and cute and they go is this working Like I just it doesn't work. I don't like your face right now Well, I that wouldn't work for you. Yeah. Yeah, I just do it in a she's so turned on Yeah, I do it like I don't you know, I do that with life in general I think people's game is one of the most fascinating aspects. I know of you know, I mean like the psychology so But then like after a little bit of that you're intrigued. Do you right away give phone number? Are you like hey like no, she was absolutely suspect of me. She was yeah, you know who he was

Yeah, but I because I knew he was I knew that he was probably going going to pull like the whole You know meet me at the comedy store in his place of power So I refuse that for several months She didn't come to the same store for months. You kept saying meet me at the like come to the store Yeah To show them so I can show but I also live I gotta tell you this is so funny as far as like Insecurities and stuff. I haven't been single in a long time if I were single I would definitely not invite somebody to see me do stand-up. Why because I don't know that my I just feel like

Yeah, but you're not going to get swipes. Do you think I mean, let me say something. Yeah Tom Segura postman if you were like working for the postal service. Yeah Good job, right would be a great job a great job. I'm not making fun of postman, right? And but with your face. Yeah Right on tinder. Yeah postman postman. I gotta get a lot of swipes. I think you would I'm really good looking I know listen, but but I'm saying what I'm no just listen to what I'm saying What I'm saying is is that did you ever throw out like a real pig line?

We ever like, you know, they're like, hi and you're like, why don't you come over here and fucking eat my dick? Yeah, yeah, you did do that. No No, I the only thing that works for me is the retarded thing. Yeah acting read No, just not not full blown retarded, but like just acting like I don't know what's going on And he does that too like on first dates and stuff. Yeah, really? Yeah, he was like sort of a bumbling fool Yeah, how do you get coffee? Yeah, like how do you all am I in the right place? And then they think it's cute. Yeah But he does this thing where I do another thing insist I found the Most what I thought was like a quiet coffee shop further away from my house

He insisted on going to the clothing shops hoping that someone would recognize him hilarious take a picture And then he would he would kind of like wield that type of power, you know, yeah Because I wouldn't go to hollywood. I wouldn't because I was living in long beach, right? I drove all the way to long beach and he was like, please someone recognize me and finally it worked It did work. Yeah, a couple people did. Yeah, one guy was a cake shop. Oh, you you so when it when that happened You obviously feel great, right? You're like, yes this right and then are you kind of impressed? Are you like um, I mean because you don't know it's his game yet. I mean, I'm like, yeah, it's cute. That's nice But I know it's his game

Like I do know I think I anticipated everything that he would try and pull Which is why I tried to I dated him in long beach for several months She was also seeing a couple of other guys. Wait, hold on Yes Well, you weren't seeing it. I mean in the beginning you were there was like at your birthday party I was seeing somebody in a different country. Yeah, that that was the only one I know but at your birthday party. There was that other guy that younger kid, right? That's just a kid who had a crush on you. I understand that but still I know but still there was

He keeps giving fuckers Fucking rapes. How did you meet your wife? I know she's doing stand doing stand up. Yeah, we met we met uh When we were, you know, basically open micers Oh, well, we we were friends because she had a boyfriend asian You said that with why would you say like that? Just to no, I'll just tell the story. No, but you pulled both hands toward me like and I also I did it like disappointed I was like Yeah, and lived fucking lived with it. Oh, but I mean that has a kind of yeah, what kind of asian was he?

um, chinese Oh, they are good husbands. They're good husbands. Yeah, so they were together for five years I was friends whether we would do shows like like part of the crew, you know, like would you give her fuck eyes for five years? No, no, we were totally I was always thought she was attracted, but you're like she's you know, she's taken and then I got the The call like one of my one of my spies was like, yeah, they broke up and I was like I'm gonna swing in there See what's how long after they broke up. Did you it was like a few months? Yeah, I mean that's a long relationship. Was there flirtation in there though before a little bit?

I mean, no, I don't feel like no, there was never like anything like it was like a respectful thing You know, like I was always I treated her like With respect and just like another comic really really. Yeah, I really did but just so but you don't say you're like she's cute Yeah, of course. I thought she was cute, but I mean I was like If somebody's like that person lives with somebody, you're not like Yeah Oh, like I didn't even consider it man. Wow And then so it just hit it off right away. Yeah, we had a couple

Uh, you know some funny I tried to I tried to do an LA thing when I asked her out the first time I called her and I was like I was at work. I remember working in post-production and I was making small talk I was like, so like do you want to uh, you know like get together? Maybe Saturday and she was like sure I was like you want to go on a hike because I was like a very LA thing Yeah, and she goes no And then I just go all right All right, I just hung up. I was like all right later like I didn't You had an all-up thing. You didn't have a follow-up. No record. I was like, I was like, you don't want to go on a hike

Dinner didn't like come to mind. No, I'm kind of slow Right, I was like you were shocked. Were you embarrassed because yeah, I saw you through your hike shit Well, I didn't even realize she saw through my hike shit. I just was like she doesn't want to do something You know, so then so then when I called her the next time To go out. I love that you called her. Yeah, I called really sweet and this is like I called her the next time and she's and I'm like are my hike thing Like failed and she's like, hey, I know this bar you can still smoke at do you want to go there? And I was like, okay

This is why she doesn't want to go on a hike. Yeah, yeah, yeah So then yeah, then we just went on you know dates and it just continued but that's amazing But you guys are four years, but let me you know, what can I just say something about her? Yeah She's strong dude. She's hilarious. Oh, yeah. Oh my she's amazing beast. Yeah, she's great. Yeah, she's great It's so if you rarely see Two comics that are super good. She's I always know a guy that's really good and his girlfriend open miker Yeah, sure, right. I never see two beasts. I know it's incredible Well, the thing I'm so happy about now that her special

Girl came out on Netflix and everything. Yeah, she's selling tickets. So I'm like go out there and bring the money So I have like this real pimp kind of Yeah, yeah, I said go get paid right fucking now. Yeah, bring me that check Is she so she's going out on the road now? She has some dates coming up. Yeah, but what the baby? Uh, which one you have two, right? No, no, we have one at home and we're pregnant. She's pregnant. Yeah Yeah, no, so she's only she's not doing she's not gonna do a lot of dates. Okay, but she's actually has a few Well, Allie did it Well, but Allie's fucking nuts with that. She's nuts. Allie's doing it like up until like seven and a half months

Yeah, like and also like multiple multiple city weekends and you know, I think just some people do See, I imagine that when I get pregnant, I'm gonna be in a moomoo for six years. Yeah, I'm not gonna change I'm gonna have three pairs of underwear. I'm just gonna live in a giant moomoo and I'm not gonna move much I'm gonna stay mostly horizontal And I'm yeah, I'm gonna hug a tree Yeah, but what Allie does is I I can't even fathom doing that without a baby in my belly I mean, she does it with like like all systems go. It's incredible. Yeah. She powers through it. I mean, yeah I don't get it either. I'm not pregnant and I look at her schedule. I'm like, god damn

Yeah, I know. Yeah, I always keep saying before even when I see Allie go, are you all right? She could do good. She's like, yeah, I'm fine. I feel great It's like what the fuck that's personality though because I have like my older sister when she was pregnant She was pregnant. It's white as two kids. She was like Running they had to tell her to stop lifting weights Yeah, they're like, oh, wow. I went back a little bit and she was like feel great. Oh good If you're working out, can the Baby skull get crushed? No, no, come on. Be real a certain exercise. Yeah, you can continue

And if you're like a fitness freak like my sister is to begin with then they just like keep doing what they're doing You know, you recently lost a ton of weight, right? They're like 50 pounds. Yeah. Oh my god. I know you look so good How'd you do it? Uh cutting sugar basically I did like a keto diet and um, you know exercise, but it's basically You know, I worked out before as crazy people. I'd be like, why don't you try working out? I'm like, bitch I'll work out. I just eat everything. So yeah If you do that, I mean part of it's genetics too. Like, you know, there's some people that like eat garbage and stay thin I hate those people. They're the worst. But but like

Yeah, I just I just was like eating like a total fucking asshole all the time That's the thing is like you can eat like a pig sometimes, but you gotta like space it out That's what I've learned basically is like I was somebody who like breakfast lunch and dinner All the time would just be like, I'll just eat whatever. I won't even have any regard for Nutritional value anything. I'd be like, yeah, I go to the donut shop at like two in the morning I go I'm gonna tell Tom what happened on your hike when you had a lemon love cake I had your only meal and I went and I had it. What do you call it? He he became hypoglycemic

And we had to drive the car into the hill. No, yeah to the hike at nighttime. It was a night hike I couldn't move and he was I was gonna die This is something that had had happened before or no, no, I've been hypoglycemic Yeah, the He just eats a ton of sugar and then that's all he and it's really he crashes. I might die soon Maybe. Yeah, maybe no worries. Um, no, we've been to the hospital. They've told me Um, they they they put take blood out and they analyze the blood and line diabetic Yeah, do you do anything to address it at all? No? Yeah

Yeah, I move my fingers a lot Yeah, you know, I mean I do I do this a lot and I play video games. Do you watch what you eat at all or not? Do you watch what you eat at all? No, no, I had jersey mics. Is that good? That's like diet food Wait, I want to go back to your dating. So You got a few times and he's like, oh like maybe people will take a picture of me here and you're like, what abs? But you still are into them Um, I I couldn't really tell that if I was into him because I think our first date was only like 45 minutes or an hour long

We just had coffee And I knew that he had just woken up because it was 2 p.m. But his eyes were just full of crust I know Jesus. That's what you did for your date. Yeah, I that's early for me But you know, it's great though. I guess is that he's totally not putting on any pre-testers There's no front on him So there's no sir when I when we finally got into it pretty seriously There was no deviation from the original person that I had right his car was still a mess He lived like, you know, when I first came to his house finally

This place didn't have furniture. It was just a big giant pile of shoes Like you have to climb over to get to the room and that's not even an exaggeration. Yeah, I'm hoarder Yeah, and then I'm the man for like not Like how long were you always like I don't care or does that something? I was bro. Listen to me right now, man. I'm listening. I'm telling you right now, man I was born like I don't give a fuck really right. I didn't know how to pay taxes But for dates. I'm saying for dating for anything. You're always you I mean, listen to me man You think that like being the way I look

I was killing it in the 90s I wasn't Because Imagine this look at this body. Yeah, you didn't have this body, right? Okay. You didn't have, you know Why do you gotta make it like that? I don't do anything. I mean, that's what I'm thinking, but don't I know, but you don't have what you know me what I have I think that you're wrong because I don't care what you think is not what I thought I know, but you're not gonna believe this, but I sincerely from the get go found you to find you attractive. All right

I mean, I also grew up around a lot of Korean fun. Yeah, she's like in high school. I would have dated dude No, you wouldn't have dated fucking you would have never even seen me. I'm out in the woods I'm in the woods to relaunch can't order in crystal math. You did it ugly Oh, yeah, I fucked up a ton of ugly guys because I wasn't that cute either when I first came from the Philippines I had a fucking I wouldn't want you bitch back then. Yeah, I mean or tooth to gum ratio. It was I was a mess Who else could I could have the best part of that statement? She's like, of course, I would have dated you. I dated other ugly guys So that's what I'm saying

So, but wait a minute. No, but do you feel like now though? But like do you feel like now do you feel the wave of like Asian sensation like Asian? Right, don't you think don't you see it? Well, I have to admit and I and you know, I see Oh, also just fans Don't take a photo Of like an Asian magazine with 15 Asian stars. Yeah and go. How come you're not in it? There was one with you know BD Wong Joe Coy a bunch of people were like, you know, like doing a vanity fair pose Yeah, and these are the leading Asians in Hollywood. Why not? Why not say?

Why aren't you in it because they want you to be in it? I know but the thing is is that it makes me feel like shit. Oh because you know because then I read and I go Yeah, why I'm and that room of the other day. I'm like, how come I'm not in this? But isn't that kind of nice that those fans like you so much that they're like you should be in or the 100 most influential that was right, there was 100 most influential Asians in Hollywood the top 100. I can't even make the top 100. You're not even the top 100 Right. That's depressing. It's depressing. Right. That's exactly why I'm depressed. Joe Coy's in it, right? No, he wasn't in the top. What?

But you know It wasn't the top 100. What I found interesting about that Korean magazine with all the Koreans in the front was that it was all Koreans, but then Joe Coy who's a Filipino Oh, that's right. Okay. He isn't Okay, yeah, totally. You know, it's my theory. You know what you grew up in the Philippines. Yeah What hell were you when you came over 15? Oh my god, and then straight to Long Beach Uh Pasadena in the hood. You know how game do you know that Pasadena was it has a hood? No, you know, listen, did you know that Pasadena, right is gangland? I didn't know that until a few years ago somebody

But you believe that yes that they have a they definitely have a game tonight You're going to the ice house, right? Right when you drive there think colors. No, here's the thing Only thing I've known about Pasadena. Yeah is the ice house. So for years. I've been like this is obviously The best neighborhood plastic film But then if you actually talk to people from Pasadena, they're like, yeah, but don't go to I forget what Summit mountain outside or something. I don't know what it is. Yeah, it's on summit and mountain and that's I've been on colorado street and they have great sushi joints and a diesel Oh, the villa boys

Yeah, you know the mashed potato you really you want to test these fools? Don't call them fools all gang bangers are watching this shit is bobby leaves the one talking shit Not Tom. No, Tom told me that like fuck Pasadena. We're what you said. No No, you said they're not fucking real gang members are weak. You said I don't you said I'm Korean You said I'm half Peruvian. I'll fuck a fucking gang member in the bow Are you now most Asians as you know are really good at the martial art, which is your favorite like of those? Okay, now we're getting to one Now we're getting the nitty gritty of it all

Um, just to help note you asked the question. I may answer you throw the stars. What is it? Um, I'm Korean so delicious is it not taekwondo Exactly. Yeah, I took taekwondo when I was a kid. Yeah master Hong Kong Kim was really a fat Peruvian fucking taekwondo kid No, he was uh, no you yes. I was no actually. I was pretty skinny little kid at that age I was and then I could ask you a question. Yeah You like the Andre Agassi look up at the head. Here's the thing Then the thinner it gets. Yeah, it's good look No, if it's when you're thinner and you get let it go longer. Yeah, it just looks thinner

So like if you have hair you go like, oh, it's just parting and falling like you got it If if you don't go short, you're really you're not doing yourself anymore. Right. I mean you can't let the wind pick it up Well, you do a polly doesn't just get the the the thing What does he do? He what's that the implants? I can't do it. I just can't he's gonna get beard implants. I'm gonna get beard implants Oh, really? Stop stop. Why would you I'm serious. Why would you laugh like that? Tell me what you're so I understand What are you planning on doing getting beard implants, which is like a hair transplant here? Don't grow here Are you serious?

Yeah, that's good. I looked it up. How much is it is where to go is it a lot 6,500 That's not bad at all and would be Like everywhere. You know, can I just say this? Yeah Yeah Just don't tell people that I'm getting it done. I know I'm seeing it on this podcast. I understand that but comics don't listen to this So when I have a full on beard I want to show up and have people go. Oh, yeah, he naturally could do that. You hear anywhere else Not much. What no like maybe two in his leg

Yeah, they take the hair from the back of your neck And they they put it into your face and then you shave it apparently And then just let it grow wild. I want to look but you got to make sure it goes everywhere, right? Yeah, I'm not gonna do blotchy like I'm in fucking Chernobyl I'm not gonna do the Chernobyl thing. I'm gonna that's pretty wild dude. I've never heard of that What if people get it done? I looked it up on the internet. Is it popular among Asians? Yeah, because we can't do like I can do this So what I'm gonna try to do is grow this out these tips down here. So it does a full man too

You can really perpetuate that look. Yeah So When is uh, when is it when you set up how soon are you gonna do this? Well, I figured this um, because I manifest things in my life. Yep And so this is what I think I think that I think the show that I'm on is gonna stay on a while. That's my feeling about it. What's it called splitting up together um It's gonna stay on and then um, I'm gonna re you know

I think that it's gonna go on for five six years And I'll just kind of retire afterwards and I'll disappear for a while And when I come back, I'm gonna look like Korean Gimli Lord of the Rings, you know, you guys have a lot of Korean food growing up at home Yeah, why because my wife orders it like every other day from where? From fucking Mexican restaurants. Where do you think from one restaurant? Fuckface. I don't know the name of it fucking bulgogi I don't know what it's called. That's a meat. That's that there's no please go. I don't know the fucking name of it, man All right. Oh, she just goes on uh

Yes, and she goes whatever live in korea town. So then you're cultured actually. Yeah, I know you are I know it's but but now I mean where we live now. There's just a couple places and I don't know man She's fucking obsessed with Korean food. We should we should all go. Yeah, we should go to parks I think that bobby and I We we know the absolute best ones. Yeah, and we go to um, some of them stay open 24 hours a day So if you're ever just like for a hand, I do a late light always to get kalbi jam Yeah, we go to late and late night all the time. That's how high quality. Yeah, it is and we're not talking about tofu house Yeah, we're talking about higher grade. There's a there was a spot we used to go to on 6th street

Yeah, where like the fucking mama of the house would like make me eat garlic cloves Oh, she would. Yeah, wait. Is it on the 7 11? area at 6th street? Um It might be the same one we like we know with the older ladies. Yeah, yeah, yeah run it. It's I forget If I drove Tom's not good with names. Yeah, there's something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, whatever, you know Could you recommend a mexican place? Uh, no Is it is previa mexican?

Oh my god Yes, yes It's wait wait in south america. That's the deepest, right? That's the tip. No Where's Peru? Yeah Chilea, yeah, yeah, chilea is the tip underneath. Yeah peruse north of that. Yeah, but is it in the middle? Yeah, west coast middle. Okay. What are you guys known for like food wise? No, just in terms of like and everything what gangs ms-13. What is it? Oh the shining path was the name of the terror Really? Yeah, the shining path. I mean, that's a peruvian terrorist group. Yeah, that's an amazing name. Yeah

Mm-hmm. That's my nickname now the shining path. Yeah, that's great. My old guzman. That was the guy that ran it Really? Yeah, he was a harvard We have to be to run a gang. Yeah, what was their agenda? I don't know. Take fucking poor people make them wealthier or something who gives a shit Robo, which they were yeah, they were horrible. They were they were yeah They were just there. I mean I lived one summer where they were like setting off bombs every day And you would they would set off a bomb like in downtown Lima and out in the burbs Windows would shatter because they would set off

Such huge up there. Well, I'd spend summers there. Both your parents are peruvian. Just my mom Dad's white as fuck. Oh, so that's your cracker like So where'd you grow up too many places like we moved a lot What do you consider home like of all the places? Probably like south florida because that's where they live now But I mean, I lived in the midwest a lot, you know, Cincinnati, Minneapolis, Milwaukee South florida. Yeah. Wow. You went to high school there. Mm-hmm Wow, I don't I thought you were a midwestern guy You know, but I mean, but you know, I only went to high school there. So all my other stuff was midwest. Yeah

Yeah Now you're playing the store a lot as of late, right? Yeah, you like it. I love it Good, but the place is amazing though. Like when I was trying to get in there 10 years ago, I thought it was a fucking wasteland, you know, and shit box and I was one of the worst comedy clubs imaginable and then I went there once But they're once and I didn't get past Um, and mitzi was like in the back of the room and like the worst was that when you're on that onstage in the or And I'm doing I'm doing my set. I look back and she's talking to this guy and I can see her going like

Yeah, yeah, and I'm like you're kind of like doing your thing and looking and I see her like Yeah, and I'm like she's not even watching this shit. We know what she did that to george lopez. Oh really? Yeah, george lopez halfway during a set. She's talking to and he stops and he goes, hey, bitch I fucking drove all the way over to fucking showcase for you, bitch And he left the stage. Whoa, right and then you know what she did to louis ck. No No, he he's a minute in and all of a sudden you hear Right um, he doesn't have it And every turns around he has an HBO special

I don't care. He doesn't have it And that was kind of toward the end where we were like So this is like what year is she doing this? This is uh, not 12 years ago. Maybe 14 years ago. Yeah So she was yeah, so youtube did audition for her So I did do that. I had that night. It was the same night. Steve burn got passed because we were one after the other Oh, yeah, yeah, so but she she only responds to at that. She only responds to like He's a short black guy. Yeah, he's Korean see that a good set. I remember that. Yeah, I remember because we went one after the other and then

When I had a comedy central half hour I go Uh back and Tommy's running it. Oh my god, and I go, uh I asked like what should I do there like we'll come on a monday and I go really I go, all right And I have the I have a dvd Of the half hour to be like because I don't know what the process And I go hey, he goes. Oh, I know who you are and I go. Oh, I go So what do I need to do? He goes just come here like every monday and hang out and I'm like all the time

and he's like He's like, yeah, and I go all right and he goes since you're more established. I'll give you more time So I go, okay So everyone's doing three minutes and he goes you can do nine minutes and I was like, all right So I do nine or ten minutes or whatever and I get off and I was like I was expecting it to be like Either a yes or a no. Yeah, and he goes it's good Just keep coming and I was like no He's like, yeah, I go do you think I'm gonna just like

Like to like just keep doing this. Yeah, you already saw it So he did that to maryland rice cub. Oh really met maryland rice cub at the store I walk her to tommy. Yeah, and I go. This is my friend maryland Can you you show she got a showcase? He's like she's got to just show up on sundays And I go and I pulled tommy aside. I go She was on eight seasons of 24 Yeah, she was on mr. Show the larry sander show. This is not. Yeah, you know, she's been doing stand-up for a very long time She's hilarious. Don't

Act like this is a homeless person. Yeah, right. You had to educate him in that way. It's so embarrassing I heard that he and I never asked him directly about it But someone told me that he um, he was doing he did that or said something like that like keep coming here To hand up about Hannibal. Yeah, Hannibal was in town Yeah, and something like one of the guys who he actually listened to was like dude like he's super established Yeah, you should and he was like, oh, okay. Yeah, but that he was like, oh, just come here all the time But you know what what adam has his own things too. I love him. Yeah, it's a tough job It's a very tough job. It's one of the most impossible jobs to do

I've never been married to la spots though. So it really feels like Almost like it doesn't affect me. You know what I mean? Because I never you're fucking lucky. I grew up in that culture, dude I never really if I don't get spots. I feel like I'm not gonna make it Really? Yeah, when I'll get I'll even call in every night and and adam will just go Just everyone called in. Yeah, you lost out on wednesday and thursday You have his full scale and I will have a full scale meltdown I'm like, it's over all everyone. You know what I mean?

instead of looking at it like just logically and And and what objectively and go, you know, dude, it's like Ronald white needs a spot too You can have every night. Yeah, but I take it personally because when you go like on a monday How how many nights do you give available? You give you go all week? Mm-hmm And uh this week I have every night You know spots every night. Yeah. Wow good for you, man, but sometimes when it's busy I'll lose out on a couple. Yeah, but dude when Tommy was here. Yeah

I would do Friday saturday two shows Yeah, he really looked at me in a In a star way. Yeah, you know, I I think adam looks at me like I am a working comic who happened To do a lot, but I'm I'm not in the realm of Certain people which is fine. It makes me want to work harder Mm-hmm. Yeah, I guess but like with anybody that has that job. They're gonna have their

Preferences. Yeah, I says and the other thing is The most important thing like you said is that it's not a fucking easy gig man You got like a thousand dudes hitting you up. There's no you don't win like they never do like everyone's happy No, so they imagine you have you have what 14 spots at night and you have 400 people call in and they're all like what's up with spots and they're all pretty good Yeah, and he had to call Everyone over the age of 55. Yeah and say

Don't even call in. Are you serious? I mean he he he he did that to A bunch of people dama era was excluded. Yeah, of course. Argus Hamilton was excluded And um, who else? It was another one. I think y'all come smirin off Mm-hmm, but other than louis anderson. Those are ones that obviously yeah stand out. Yeah, but Everyone else the kippa daddas the you know the jeff altman's Charles Fleischer, they were just they just don't even they're done that Fleischer dude. We're crazy dude He took one time Charles Fleischer if you guys don't know who Charles Fleischer is He was the voice of Roger Rabbit, right in um

some movie called Roger Rabbit And he's fantastic as that. Yeah. Yeah. He was also had a little cameo in zodiac The david fincher one He is um He's extremely eccentric and also he seems Almost autistic. Oh, he's going he like out of nowhere. He'll break into like a character. You mean Yeah, you know, go schism and he'll like do a dance, you know, and then you're like, whoa

Oh Should we leave? You mean how depressing is that though that you get the call to be like don't do don't call here anymore Like just we've had enough of you That's I mean You know one day it might happen to me that to anyone to anyone to you. Yeah to anyone and that day But you know what dude, let me say something though He'll never they'll never never do to sag it. I saw sag it last night

You know at bob saggett rolled up there They parked his car and he gets to walk around do whatever he wants, right? Yeah, I want to get there You want to that but that yeah, you know what? I don't think that I listen. I think that we are The you know tom Arnold even yeah gets to park there and go up their celebrities, right? I think we'll get there To be nice. No, I think we are Do you think about no be real? Yes. Thank god Because if you weren't on my side there, I don't know what I was gonna do. Let's go back. So date number five You're like something reminded me when you were like, oh, um, you're talking about was it charles flesher?

Yeah, his name how he would just like break into character. Yeah, bobby would do something very similar But intentionally he would try to seem more eccentric than he actually was like he would be driving We'd be in the middle of a conversation and then he would just like Like just like do these like silent like monologues and like but like mouthing. Yeah, I purposely do that He would do like little ticks. Yeah, I because he wanted to seem like an artiste like he was something like savant Savant artiste now. Did you already at the time because I feel like you see it out You saw it at that time too. Um, I looked at him like, okay, I guess I can live with that I mean, I'll tell you why no because when I thought he maybe had some type of

Um, no, I'll tell you why why did you do that? Because when I was I when I was 22 I worked at a coffee shop called the panican And I liked a band called drive like j. Who? All right. Say they're a math rock band. I love them. What's math rock math rock is just punk rock, but it's like Repetitive right and just kind of math. I don't know. Yeah. So anyway, um rick far was the lead singer and He was he came in he had one shoe missing Always no, he just walked in the coffee. He had a shoe missing. I go. That's so cool. Yeah Yeah, and you know, he had money. He was from del mar. Yeah, right. So this guy has money, but he has he purposely no shoe

Right, and then he would he was by himself and he had one of those hobo gloves It's summer. He doesn't need to wear on fingers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and you look at his fingers and they were dirty Uh-huh, and then he had a cappuccino like that. He had a hell of like this I hate this guy All right, you held it like this. I'm with her by the way. No, no, you're with me. Fuck this guy. I can't even No, I mean that guy you're describing. No, fuck you. He's the best. Okay. He's very talented So he's holding it like this super turned on right and then And then right he

Would do twitches Oh my god, just listen and drink and they kind of talk to himself, right and I would I would be I was you know You're fascinated by him. Oh, yeah, I'm doing the coffee, but I'm looking at him you know, I mean because I've all you know have all those albums and um, I memorized You wanted to be his understudy with what? Yeah, and in fact, here's another thing that they do, right Drive back jihu, right, you know when they were on stage. See my legs They would he would play the guitar, but he would cross his legs like this Uh-huh. So, you know, I would go home and pretend I'm in a band and would cross

But I love that because it's like your fandom is what drove you to do that I love yeah, I here's the thing is is that You know, I if I get more if I get bigger than I am I think I'm gonna like become more weird But it's contrived. It doesn't matter. I'm gonna have like dirt on my face for no reason. You know, I mean it's it's forced You're not that weird. Yeah, but people think He wants to give the perception. I do say that man. I'm cool. Everybody here likes you Weird and cool too, man. I mean, but you are cool. You're Birkenstock's guy and just admit just admit it. Yeah You love Birkenstock. I like that one pair because that's camo on it. Okay. My point is is that um

I mean, but here's the thing though. It's when people when I'm being myself people still go He's a centric. Yeah, like when I was you might have an eccentric guy Yeah, for sure. I like even at the show somebody said yeah, some of the executives said that you were a centric I go why because You know, we know how a table reads go like everyone's there the single camera show. Yeah, okay So the president of like the studio and yeah, right. They're all there. Everyone's there the cast everybody

And what I do is do we have this room and I waited for everyone to sit down And I was the last guy to sit down and I would be there the first I'll be the first guy there And I would just wait I would just wait in the back And wait for people to sit down And then I would sit when we started and people thought that that was Being artsy and weird. I think that you're for sure neurotic, but I don't know if you need to add the twitches You know what I mean just for the effect or the dirt. No, don't do the And or the

Yeah, you start showing up like that the table reads are going to be like anyway, we can write this guy Oh, no when I was on mad tv because I don't know if you guys see where's the glue Is there glue around? Oh, I know what you do. What you would you would pour it dry and peel your hands Yeah, but I would do it at table rates And in front of the network What would they say I would have three bottles of Elmer's glue And I would just drip them on my hands and do this and just let it dry and do my read like that Yeah, and they were just like this guy's crazy. Yeah, but you loved it. Yeah

It kind of feels like I don't know it feels like a compliment, right? Yeah, there's something in our heads. It's like like my wife's always like you to me Should be like when I laugh at fuck. She's like you have mental problems. I think you're a psycho and I go I think it's funny. Yeah, I think I enjoy it. Yeah when she says it and when sometimes other people say it They're like you're really fucked up and I'm like Yeah Yeah, yeah, I think it is gross that I force myself to do certain things But especially to impress a girl. No, I do it in even in public. I'll I'll do gibberish

To pretend I don't know how to speak the language. So date number six. Yeah, you guys You guys go out you're no penetration yet nothing And then how long till you like how long do you make him sweat it out? Um, he didn't really sweat it out. I mean a couple weeks. Yeah. Yeah, I think a couple weeks, right? Yeah, you're adults, but I for sure thought in my head that I was gonna I do remember this you think it was gonna be like just a hookup and done though. No, I didn't you did like him I remember this. Hmm. I remember when I saw her naked for the first time. Yeah, just hear me out. I want to hear you out And I I looked at her body

And I looked up into the sky And I verbally said Thank you god. Yeah That's so nice. That's the biggest compliment I could give you baby. Now you thought that like you're getting played, right? You're like, this is a fucking spy like she's gonna kill me or something. No, you know because let me be able to believe it or not Yeah You know, I I've been with some attractive women. Yes. Yes. Well, then there you go. He saw you with a six foot blonde. That's right Yeah, yeah, come on

but What what's special about kalayla is is that she you know with with with white chicks and stuff you have to The the korean stuff you kind of have to hide it kind of ease them into it Or even if they're they can't get like if you could bring them to a korean restaurant. Yeah, what is that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're like, oh, it's this. No, I'm not gonna eat it at guys like gross This bitch, right? It will eat the eyeballs. I don't fucking fish I fucking if she'll take this chopstick pop up and eat the fucking eyeballs. Yeah. Yeah first before even eating everything

I love it. Yeah, she's very asian. Yeah, like easy. I don't know. I could take her to like a province Right and we could be in the jungle and we're fine. Have you guys gone? We've been to the Philippines. Oh, you have. Yeah Yeah, and she uh, but his idea of a vacation is like an all-inclusive five-star hotel and that's not mine I like the province. I like, you know Just you want to be like a real experience. Yeah, like I want to be where my family is I don't want to stay in a hotel when my family is like, let me tell you guys something right now Fucking rice paddy somewhere. Let me tell you something right now. Okay. What's that, bro?

When you think of vacation Do you think of relaxation? Mm-hmm, or do you think of adventure? Personally, yes, I'm a relaxation person. Mm-hmm. So am I yeah when I think of vacation. I think of not moving That's how I am. The best the best vacation that I can think of is a place called coma. Yeah Being in a full-blown two-week coma. Yeah, if I was in a coma for two weeks and I woke up I'd be like that was beautiful. Yeah, I'm with you dude. I'm going back next year. Yeah, I love it, right? She's laura croft. That's not true. Yeah, she's let's go to the tomb What tomb in the jungle? Oh so we can die?

Why don't you just go somewhere that has your relaxation? And then you go. Yeah, but no shit I have to go on I have to bring the pack pack and I have to wake up at five in the morning And I have to be in the ocean with the sharks for her to be happy. I took him shark diving Without it without a cage just opened in the ocean in the Philippines. He loved it. No in Hawaii Oof and he did it Are you happy you did it like afterwards we like this is awesome or were you like this fucking sucks? I'm happy I'm still alive with all my limbs friend. Yeah. Yeah, okay. That's what I'm happy. That shit's not fun

That's just really fun when you're done. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, you know, it was exhilarating, right? That was great. I love eating All I'm saying is like look if you stay in a hotel all day, I'm running into the same people I was trying to get away from Which is like the fucking, you know, I don't like the feeling. I like in at the Grand Waalea hotel in Maui The papaya the papaya. I'm sauna. You know, I just did Maui last month. Would you could stay? Come on four seasons Right by the Grand Waalea. Yeah. Yeah, it was amazing though. It's a beautiful place. Fucking beautiful, right? And did you go to the steam room? Are you a spa guy? I went three times

nine days No, did did Christina make you Do any adventures? Of course not But we are aligned with vacation approach. So in other words, like we're both like let's not move But I mean, that's also but you knew this about me. That's the thing. It's like, yeah I know you're right. My Tinder pictures were all in the ocean. I am a diver. I scuba dive. I free dive I was a swimmer for 15 years. You know what you got, bro? I know I got yeah

I I you didn't deviate from your original self. I didn't deviate either. I've always been a water cleaning Dude with the eyes. Jesus I know You know what I do but can I just say something? I want to say this baby That um, there's a lot of things I would have never done without you and I'm glad I did those things It's good. It's beautiful. That's beautiful. Yeah. Um, what else would we do like dolphin swimming? We haven't done dolphins. We're not one time you made me swim out there and I got stung by a thousand jellyfish

In the future. Oh, that's right. Do you think they'll date other koreans or like, what do you think will happen next? Yeah, what's your next boyfriend if we break up? Oh, well, let me think about this. Um I've basically dated every single race really but I haven't done a new yorker indian guy And I've been eyeballing them lately really Yeah Like off the boat indian. No a new you an indian raised in new york. Oh, I got you not an LA in his parents Let's say are indian, but he's raised in new york

But not I'm not saying aziz, but like, you know, just another flavor kind of right the east coast. Yeah, indian Go for it. I've never done that. I mean, I'm not you know Just I'm just throwing it out there. Yeah I mean, I think ask me dude. Ask me No, you're back to white chicks. I know you're done with asian. No, be real. Ask me. Okay. Bobby. What's next? Nothing You're done I really believe that

Oh, well, then I'm fucking done too, bro. You asked me the question. I I truly believe that without her is I can't there's nothing Yeah, there's no there's no east coast indian Bitch, this would be the most amazing time for you to leave him like right now Okay, yeah You mean you're like I thought you were giving me an opening with that question No, no opening bitch

No, I honestly believe if she something happened to her Yeah, or you know, she laughed. I honestly it would take me a decade I think because we're fully attached at the hip. I'll tell you No, it's not even that it's just that I just I took to get to know somebody again and to know they're horrible all the little things We're not a super like Lovey-dovey kind of like showy Kind of couple. Yeah, um, and I really like that

I think previously I dated guys that were just really like mushy and sweet and they were nice people But fucking just like every text. Good morning. Sweet. I just fucking my vagina just turned to dust every morning, you know Like when we we have sex she just rolls over I there's no there's no I mean, it's not like a fucking robot. No, but she just rolls over and just like dead eyes. No, I look at you No, I look at you. I look I look deeply into his eyes. That was disgusting. No, that's not. Yeah, and um, I love it Yeah, you do love it. Yeah, I don't have to get a tower or nothing Yeah, I mean twice. Do you do like play dead? Like do you do that kind of thing? We do that. We always play. Yeah, we play

Do you guys do the play dead thing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's one of our favorites actually or what you know what I do sometimes I'll like look at my hand. Yeah, because that's where all the jizz is when I came when I jerked off Yeah, I have to pull out. Yeah, I pull out a jizz in my hand And I just look at my hand like this and just to see if it's gonna fall and then when it does I I changed my hand so it dripped, you know, I mean, yeah, I play that little game Because it smells like chlorine. You guys do like star crossed lovers like you're um, she's an uh an ices princess And you're like a u.s soldier. We roleplay Yeah, yeah, yeah, we roleplay where we have these characters. She's uh, Trish and I'm Bobby and uh, like I'm at a bar

And she's like just this piece of shit alcoholic That hangs out like a total scumbag. Yeah, and then I'm this guy who she's like trying to hook up with I don't give a fuck about her. Yeah, I say her name wrong. Yeah Yes, I'll be like Tammy and she's like it's Trish. I'm like Oh my goodness, fuck. And then as soon as I finish like as soon as the last bit is done Yeah, I go get out like that and I like I'll throw a pillow on her face. I'm like and she's like I love her. Just shut the fuck up That's how we roleplay. That's the past. Yeah, she changed. She does shit like we do dorm room stuff like No, no, no, we we won't we'll have be having sex and then the sketch will start

Yeah, so we're doing it and then she'll go um, hey, hey, um teacher. Why you know, I mean, we don't do teacher We do dorm room and you're my No, no, no, we don't do camp counselor stuff. He's my dad's um business partner and he visits me in my dorm That's my favorite. That's great. Yeah. I think another one or we do incest stuff like my uncle and thanksgiving. All right That's pretty cute. We don't do incest is so cute. Yeah, we don't do incest You know what you should do for the dorm room or be like or bestiality. Let's come on I'm not a dog. We should lean in the room. Be like, oh, hey, man. Uh, I don't want to set up my internet here Like you've been in this dorm for a while and you'll be like, yeah, you're saying that yeah

Yeah, I'll help set you up and then you fucking get on her computer. Yeah. Yeah. She's like, oh, I feel like I owe you now Be like, well, you kind of fucking do owe me. Yeah But holy maybe you can try east coast indians No, maybe east coast indian. Why don't you do a new york? Why don't you do one? Well, what I want What the fuck do you want? Um blind death Blind and death wait wait, that means I can still talk, right? Yeah, but apparently like yeah. Yeah, you got to do it with like a weird X. Yeah, I got the Oh my oh my I'm hard now. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You guys are gonna do it tonight. Yeah, and then when I once I go in

What are you gonna say? Is that your take Like that just like that Are you turned on? Yeah, I could feel it Fantastic This is a scene. Oh my god. I love it. I love it. I have a deaf nephew You do so I feel like it's actually kind of how we sound and I love him

If you ever act that that's the role you should play. Oh fuck. Yeah. Fantastic. Do we have a You know how this is how we end the podcast. Okay, let's do it Unhelpful. Yeah, I'm gonna tell them what it is first We do this thing called We do this thing called unhelpful advice Mm-hmm, and what it is is that somebody has an email Question and we answer it. Okay. You can be Positive. It can be not positive. It doesn't matter. I like it. Let's do it. Okay

Unhelpful advice with Bobby Kalila and Tom Segura I like it I'm in my late 20s and have never had a girlfriend Meeting women seems like an impossible task to me I tried online dating but I felt like I never stood out to any girls I was attracted to despite being slightly above average looking in real life. I have no idea what to do I was very depressed a very depressed isolated teenager. So I kind of missed out on normal relationship stuff Now I'm getting near 30 and kind of feel unfuckable with my crappy job and lack of social prowess

I've had sex only had sex once it was in with an escort I felt bad about it and never did it again And how do I get a girlfriend? Thanks max. That's fucking heavy max Last week's was even heavier than that one. Yeah, we had a 14 year old Gay kid from Saudi Arabia who was in love, but he might get decapitated if it ever got out. Yeah, he didn't know what to do Oh, I hope you yeah. No, we helped him take a swing for it No, no With this kid, um

So max is always wet but it's about 30 almost 30 max. I mean max I feel like you're my type of guy and I'm not I'm I'm not being I'm not I really do truly believe that I believe that we're of the same make makeup My whole life. I always thought I'm never gonna get laid girls. Don't like me I'd go to you know, I'd ask a girl out. They'd say no I mean, it was just like I would try to get girls drunk. I would do everything in the book I couldn't get anything going Okay, and then me and my friends in my early 20s

We came up with a thing and a philosophy or idea called the launching pad And the launching pad is this Is you go out and you fuck no matter how You either escort I knew she'll you felt bad about it But that's I think the right path to just fuck a shit ton of hookers Fuck hookers, you know, I mean just you know, fuck girls that are way below, you know, I'm like, yeah, yeah, and just Just get in the routine of fucking

Because I think what it is is that When you don't have a lot of just listen to me. Listen, I think I have a I have the right idea When you don't when you sit there and go, I'm not getting a pussy. I can't get any pussy It's basically you're now This group this idea of a woman and sex and all that stuff is so large that it's just overwhelming But if you have it and you realize that it's just sex, it doesn't mean, you know, I mean You know, you fuck a girl and you're like, well, that was weird Essentially, you're basically saying you've got to figure out a way to get some confidence. Yeah, really what you're saying

So it's like Do it slow instead of shooting for the stars. Yeah, that woman's not attractive enough for me Just if a woman shows any interest if you're getting any reciprocation whatsoever, just take it for a ride, man Yeah, like Ella and Iverson says it's just practice. Let's talk about practice right now. Yeah Let me talk about practice. Well, you wear a condom because you don't want to impregnate practice. Yeah. No, you're right Yeah, you get a baby from a practice and also dude, you're probably and and everywhere like a lot of guys are guilty of this You know, you're probably just trying Way too hard. You're putting too much thought into it. I know it sounds like I know you but you just seem to take like just

Look, man, you need to fucking be yourself and whatever comes your way Like Bobby said take a swing at it. You know, be don't be a fucking Dare like pig about it. But just be like be decent and just You need to build you need to get some like rotations in there. Yeah. Yeah, I knew a guy named Barry and Barry And Barry was a guy when I was a kid, you know, I went to rehabs and Barry was this I didn't know that. Yeah. I went to three rehabs, but Barry was this guy Who he was um, irish and he looked like a hobbit

He was just this round 60 year old man with like orangey white hair and he was always red gleaming face like santa and he was just So happy all the time And I got to know Barry and at the age at that age. He was a virgin Um, because I just you know, I'm not gay. I just you know, they just don't like me. Yeah, but he goes But check it out. He goes I have complete he completely let it go. He's accepted if this is God's will Then so be it, but that's not the will for max. I know. No, I'm not done. I'm not done. I know I'm not done

Yeah, I'm not done And then I moved to LA and I went back to San Diego And Barry was married with a beautiful like 50 year old chick Mm-hmm, and I'm like and he's like Hey, it happened And I'm like how he goes. I don't know. I just did Yeah, what my point though is is that there's no time frame on it Yeah, you you got to exude that. I don't give a fuck

Like the more you exude that desperation like when you go out with girls don't clean out your eyes like the way Bobby did Yeah, just leave the crust all up in there You know like leave your car looking like a fucking, you know hoarder's car put a pile of shoes in your living room max Yeah, just be your absolute self. There's somebody there who's just as you know If you think you're awful or somebody there who's equally as awful who's going to find you attractive Yeah, yeah, I just don't think I feel bad. I mean I wish max. I was your friend So I could just see your dated your day-to-day Interactions with people and maybe I can even give you hints

I also have a perfect example of um, we have a friend who's Insanely good-looking an insanely good-looking guy, but he has the max syndrome. He just cannot open cannot close He's good. Yeah. It's a good job. He's like professional soccer Wolverine. Yeah, not using his claws And he's always like girls don't I can't connect. He just yeah, he just No, he just doesn't know how to do I've seen him in parties. Yeah doesn't know what to do But he's such a good like just wholesome dude that it almost I think that girls don't get that feeling of wanting to like sexualize them And oh, right. Yeah. He's a good boy. Yeah. He's a good boy, you know, because there's something still dangerous about you Tom me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There is a danger about you that I think every guy needs

You look like I think you know, you know steve burn, right? Yeah is a nice guy. Yeah But there's still something his wife knows that there's a little danger in him, right? So there's still that little thing of like, you know A mystery. Yeah, it's a mystery. Right. You need that. You can't be a sucker. Yeah, you know, you have to be And I you know, I love Colila, but if she leaves and you know, I was lying. I may be able to find somebody else You will for sure you're gonna leave No, I'm just saying you would find somebody else tomorrow. You're not a long You're not a long griever Like when things happen to you you you're hard. He grieves. He grieves really hard but very short. Yeah

Yeah, that's good quality. Yeah, actually because you're processing it, but you're not dwelling on it But you know, it would be a step down like you're not gonna Well, I mean, I've said this before on this podcast getting older asses kind of make its way down I've said this on this podcast. Yeah, this is that this this podcast Is a direct result of this relationship. Sure I would Eric Griffin and I have been trying to do a podcast for years. We just never got around doing it And then when I met Colila, she's like, let's just do one But they're the pioneers him and his wife are the pioneers of like couple podcasting

You guys are like, you know, why fuck you and your humility dude. I don't know if we were I'm saying I don't know if we were At least for us. It was like, okay, you know what that's a good example to go by And also I want to say champ that um, will you uh do our podcast? Yeah Not you I'm asking her Yeah, but I also want to say that this is you're a part. What is your relationship with all things company? No, just I mean, we're a collective, you know, you're you're part of the board. I heard though Yeah, but that's just I mean the board that doesn't really means that like if they're making Decisions they might who's in the board who's on the board. Yeah, Ari

Um, yeah, bill al bill burr you arisha fear berkreicher al magical al magical. Maybe somebody else. That's the board. Yeah, that's amazing He has a paranoia that somehow he's gonna get kicked off Of all things comedy because of the board. You were telling this to arry. Yeah, why why would they kick you off? I don't know. I just don't trust boards There's something suspicious about it. I've seen movies where there's a board. It seems corporate But here's my question. Let's say there like tomorrow when you get the call and I go Hey, dude, I couldn't say it. I remember we're kicking you off Um, what happens like why this is what let's let's do that phone call now. Okay. Go ahead. Hello. Hey, bobby

It's tom. Oh, what's up, dude? You're great on the podcast last night. Dude. Thank you. I had a great time Okay. Um, hey, I wanted to tell you something. I couldn't say this when we were doing the podcast Yeah, but I was talking to the other guys on the board and You guys got you got to go. We're gonna we're gonna take you off. Why? I don't know. We just kind of we're thinking it over Like uh, we kind of like other people. All right. Well, can I just throw this out there? Yeah, sure to you. Um I know what our numbers are. Yeah

And I this is what I would say you want me real. Yeah, let's be real I know what our numbers are. Okay, and I know the numbers on all the other podcasts that you Have yeah, and we kill it We kill them. Okay. All right. Yeah, we do We fucking do. All right. All right. She's in the room. No, no, we fucking do and also number number number two I gotta turn it. Oh, yeah, number two. Let me say this. Okay Let me do that. All right. Yeah, Bert you Rogan not Rogan. Al, Bill, you guys are my friends. Yeah I know it's not here's the thing

It's It's not personal Uh, it's here's the here's why uh-huh. We just thought it would be fun to upset you Oh All right. All right. All right. Well, I'm upset and I'm glad you're having fun. Yeah, um That's cool. We'll go on on our merry way. Yeah, by the way. Yeah, we don't want you back

Okay, all right. All right. I feel like you'd be so good at firing. Yeah. Yeah, I'm actually but you know I could I be good at in a pretend capacity. Okay, but not if you really thought someone's livelihood was on But now we hang up, right? This is what happens. All right. Now. Hey, so Bobby. No one last thing. Yeah Eat a pile of shit. All right All right, then we hang up the phone, right? Yeah, and it's a year of it's going to be weirdness between me and you guys Yeah, for sure. Nobody. What are you even talking about? I know in this scenario Oh, wait, I know But these are your real paranoias because I think I feel like a lot of his paranoias are so not based on any

Type or even like a bit of reality. Yeah, it's always some absurd shit that would never happen But he believes it so strongly. I know I'm delusional and I want to go to your beard Uh, transplant. Yeah day or can I at least be there when you come out of it? It but you can't make fun of me. I feel like he could be a good beard mentor. You can make fun of me How about this? We'll tape it Yeah, we'll tape it just to see if we can air it But if it's really funny, we'll do it But you can come but you can't tell anybody until I said I give you the green light

Okay, what if it grows all sorts of fucked up? You know how like you can put let's piece on your eyelashes and it accidentally if you If you put it anywhere else in your body Yeah, it grows there too. So people put it on their eyebrows, but their eyebrow goes the other direction What if it grows like outward like, you know how his beard goes down What if it grows like your pubes? Okay? I'm going to say this and this is science. Beep beep beep beep science alert Science alert. This is what it is Is you long ago My penis went straight. Yeah

Okay And through years of leaning it to my left crumpled, right? It now it looks like an Eiffel tower Yeah, okay, I mean the crumpled into a mound whatever. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah that one Tower of Pisa. Yeah, he's Eiffel tower So you lean to the left, right? Okay. Do you have like Disease or something? No, no, no because I years of pulling that way. It's leaned it. You're always pulling it that way Yeah, I always lean it to the left. Okay. And now how much of a lean? It's not like, you know, like you're fully erect. It's completely unnoticeable. It's noticeable. It's noticeable. Yeah. Yeah

I'm I'm to the left. I'm like, yeah, there we go. All right So my point is is that if my beard went a weird way, I would just try not to go the other way It's my point. Okay through your time. I hooked up with a guy who was so Straight downward like curved down. It really freaked me out. I mean, I'm like that's just an anatomy It was a straight up hook. I'm like, I don't know how it's going to enter me from midway. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, very weird, right? I mean, that's just odd Mm-hmm a Dominican guy very big too. Yeah, just like hooked downward. I didn't know what to do with it I got to go home. Do you guys talk about it at all or no?

Um, I think that he probably saw that I just it's gotta be something that runs into all the time people are like Are there penises where the head is so small that it doesn't even look like a head? Um, like you mean like just to a point. Yeah, I don't know like a like Would you like if I pulled out my dick on my dick was like that. What would you do? Like it looked like an arrow. I've been with someone with a micro peen. I know this isn't aligned I swear to god. I and I blew him to completion Yeah, he was and he was like one of those gums with a little liquid in it I promise that we couldn't have sex because he had a micro peen. So I just blew him and I really liked him

I honestly was genuinely in love with him give you a uh a big like warning like in other words Was there a lot? No, just day of he's just like there it is. Yeah, but I think that he Ah, you guys I'm telling you that I could jerk him off like this Wow one finger this is not an exaggeration What's mine my three fingers? No, you're actually average size. Thank you. Thank you. That's a fact. Thank you That's out there is Dominican the biggest then Yeah, but I mean does it even count if you can't measure it with a ruler? Yeah, I know like how you got to use them like a soft measure right like a measuring. Uh, yeah, like when you the tailor uses

Yeah What's your dick you're pretty good. No, it's totally average Totally. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and totally a grower like it's pathetic if it's It's really oh I know I know like especially like, you know, I go to the gym and work out. Yeah, whenever I work out it retracts Yeah, you know, yeah, like after a workout. Yeah, I have to like pull it out and it's terrible. That's terrible It's so sad, but I mean like when it's when it's performance time it gets to just normal Just totally right. There's nothing. Well, that's the yeah, that's all that's really

So you need I was like, but you know, I never get jealous of like, you know, you know You always fantasize like I wish I had but I'd rather have would you rather have a shitty looking card that it works Or a really nice looking car, but it doesn't work. Oh, yeah, of course. What would you like? No, I definitely want something that works, of course Really? Yeah, I would just hang outside my driver with a nice car. What if like this? What if this was your dick right here? Oh my god, this short sm7 I don't think we'd be dating. I hate big dicks. I hate like super big dicks I think they're awful. Okay. Let's say it's a little bit smaller. Yeah

Like the the stem of it. Yeah Um, it doesn't because it's like I've never been a guy To that's not why women date me. But you never had those fans. I mean everyone has the no Not even a teenager. No, I have to win them over through enchanting them. Yeah With my, you know, wizardry, you know, I was bad at like all that stuff is that um, I hated putting forth a big effort So right my whole thing when I was dating would be like, you know, I would Put forth some effort. Yeah, and if I like it wasn't reciprocated. I was like, there's no way I'm going to put more energy

Right stop it. Yeah. Yeah. That's just not happening. Yeah, that's a good philosophy Yeah, it's a really good philosophy because I would have some of my friends would try so hard and they would have more success But they're fucking themselves in the long run putting so much energy into it You know, yeah, but also you're setting a fucking standard for how your life is going to be for the next few years Or you go on the road and you meet a girl and she's like We're gonna go to this bar. So then you did two shows. They're like, I'll go So you go to the other bar and they're like, we have this after party And there was a time when I would do all those things. Yeah, and at four in the morning

I'm beat. I did radio that morning. Yeah, and no pussy Right, but the one day I just woke up and said no It's got to be hit to me. I'll grab it if it hits to me I'm not chasing the ball. That's that was my philosophy. Yeah, but there was a long time where I would chase the ball Yeah, and I'm sure it's exciting to a point, right? I a couple times one time in florida. I chased the ball to the end the tampa six in the mora. Yeah, tampa when you double dip Yeah, I double dipped. Yeah, you double double dipped. He just had um, he double booked I bought double booked one night and I that one one, but but the one of them the night before

I waited till six in the morning. I went to her house in the suburbs Right, and I laid next to her and I'm like, this is not gonna work. This is a fault, right? And it happened It did happen. Yeah, okay. But anyway, um, I gotta go do a spot But no, I'm gonna say this though Is is that We're all huge fans of yours. Thanks, buddy. You guys are very nice and um I honestly

Hopefully that I can be friends with you forever. I would love to be friends with you forever I want you guys to come do our podcast for real. That'd be great. I really hope you would do it. I think that'd be wonderful Um, and uh, just let us know I want to go to the beard transplant And also maybe cream barbecue that For sure. Okay. Yeah, so give comes a girl a round of applause. Thanks. Do you have any ads or no? No ads good like your stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I have some dates Uh at tomseguro.com The podcast is your mom's house and if you have netflix a new special is called disgraceful. So please check it out

Yeah, baby. That's it All right, tiger belly and twitter at the tiger belly instagram at tiger belly and send us packages to Um 1626 north wilcox number 161, hollywood, california 90028 All right. Thanks so much for listening guys Hey prime members you can listen to tiger belly ad free on amazon music download the amazon music app today Or you can listen ad free with wondery plus in apple podcast before you go Tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey