TigerBelly - Episode 137: Bert Kreischer & The Hunt For Ice

Episode Date: April 11, 2018

Bobo bikes. Bert runs. Koloko swims. We talk Korean Math, human prototypes, tongue-less Floridians, and stalactite tears. Support us by supporting our sponsors!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. I see them blue for me and you And I think to myself What a wonderful world Don't clap, okay? I got that out. I feel good about it. You know that song, I think I was born with that song in my heart. That song is constantly just playing in my soul, you know?

When I look at the trees and I look at white people walking down the skies. When I see white people, they're all laughing happy with their little skateboards They have their little laptop in their backpack and they're happy. They're making deals. I feel happy about that. They're making deals all the time with white people, you know? But anyway, welcome to another episode of Tiger Belly. This is a very special, very special episode that we have here. I hear noises that I don't want to hear right now currently

But that's okay. That's okay. I can be thrown a curveball. Alright, so what do we have? We got Gilbert Malan Galaz. Malazgaz. Flatface. What's up? Flatface. Filipino.

Chinaman. Oh, Chinaman. Not Gook today. No, not Gook today. Not Gook. My beautiful island princess, Kalila. Your attitude fucking stinks today all day every day. I'll tell you that right now and you should look in the mirror

and you should fucking really evaluate your life. We got George here. I wish I had a recording of you on the phone with me while I was in San Francisco for four days. What was it? It was a whole lot of big combat. You gotta come back. I can't feed my daughter.

We got George. We have a guest here. This is very rude what you're doing. We got George Kimmel. We've got his cousin. We have his cousin back there. Good old fuck guys. And we have a very special guest.

Let me say something right now. He's from Florida. He is. He's from Florida. And you know, sometimes people from Florida, they turn weird. Our favorite, you know, the Eileen Warnos. What's her name? Eileen Warnos.

Yeah. She's from Florida. You know, they do a lot of... What's that one drug where they eat people's faces? Bath salts. Bath salts. That came from there, I think. That came from there, I think.

But sometimes good things come from there. You know, and there's two things that have come from there that I enjoy. One of them is another comic, and this is the other comic, right? And this comic right here, I fucking love. Bird Christ, everybody. Oh, finally. Fucking finally. You have no idea how hard that is.

Is that hard? Oh, when you said, when you called him flat face, I was like, I have so much shit to talk about that. What do you do? Our best friends, Vietnamese, she told me a secret drunk one night. She goes, yeah, Asians have a hard time finding sunglasses because they fall off their face. And, bro, I lost my shit. I put my red bands on her, and they fell in her mouth, and I laughed hysterically.

Hysterically. I always say that we can't be president because on a coin, we'd just be like a line. I look good. Yeah, that's a good one. You like that one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was really good. We do have flat faces, but it's fine.

Is Arlene Juarez from Florida? Mm-hmm. Or does she find her way to Florida? Oh, she might have found her way to Florida. She might have what? That's what Florida's known for people to find their way to Florida. Yeah, but it's a, you know, it's like a moth to a flame. Yeah.

Right? So they all gravitate. The crazy is gravitate to either Wisconsin. You have no idea how crazy. I knew in Florida, I knew two dudes without tongues. I swear. Ask Cowhead. Ask Cowhead.

Ask Cowhead. Tongueless Brett. Who's Cowhead? Cowhead. Mike Calta, your buddy. Radio guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love him.

I love him. You're his favorite guest ever. He's the best. I like him. You're his favorite guest ever. He's the two guys. Well, I didn't have a tongue. Because he can't say his own name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cowhead loves you. I love Cowhead. Like, you're the guy that I go into and they're like, do you know who we just had in? And I go, who? And they're like, oh, Bobby Lee, he's amazing. Because I'm fun at radio because I like to get loose. I'm pretty good myself.

You're pretty amazing. Yeah. I just put up, drink some coffee and I try to be real. I shit on his couch. Bert's couch? No, no. Cowhead. Thank God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I did shit when he had his white couch. Yeah. And he goes, Marker Cho said on this without any underwear. And she goes, she left a little bit of a shit stain. Oh, wow. I go, I want to leave one too. And I did that in accent too.

I want to leave one too. And I left a really good one and then they cut it out and they framed it. Oh, really? Yeah, because my poo is potent. How did I lose his tongue? Yeah. I don't know. They don't tell you.

He's your friend? No, just guys I know. How do you become friends with somebody they can't talk? They just get, they morph their way into your life. Like, you're like, you don't have a tongue. Come on, let's go, buddy. All right. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Did you have like a dwarf friend like that too or no? I never knew. I never knew a midget or like a little person until the first one I ever met. It's difficult. Brad Williams, the first one I ever met. Me too. Yeah.

No, he's one of my fair firsts. Yeah. Yeah, it's my very first. I never met a little person. Wait, wait, wait. You've seen him before? A lot of that. You know, we didn't have.

You never saw a little person in Florida. We didn't have Asians in Florida. Whoa. And no joke. We had like one. The joke I, the first joke I made when I came out to LA and I met Asians for the first time. First time.

I mean, I'm being dead serious. Like, I grew up in the 70s. I grew up born in 1972. So I grew up in a time where it just wasn't very diverse in Florida, especially. Well, I'm 71. So I was around. But not in Tampa. Oh, that's true.

There was Samuel Ho, one guy. That's it. Wow. And the first joke I make, and it wasn't even a joke, it was a joke to, it was a thing to Dr. Ken. It was a sentence I said to Dr. Ken. An older Asian guy was in the hallway at the Ontario Improv with his wife. And I hit Dr. Ken.

I go, I think your parents are trying to get in. And he goes, I don't know them. And I went, are you serious? And he goes, no. He goes, they're Japanese. I go, I go, what are they saying? He goes, I don't know. I go, what kind of, what are they saying?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm being dead serious. You don't know. That night I went on stage. I said, did you know that Japanese people can't understand Chinese people at all? Oh my God. I had no clue.

I had no clue. I thought it was like Italian and Spanish. Like pantalones, pantaloni. Or like. You know, I swear to God, yeah. Wow. I thought it was a little bit. I don't find that, I don't find that racist at all.

It's, it's, you're doing science in your mind. When I was a kid. And you're calculating and all that stuff. When I was a kid, I just didn't know. And so like, I like, and the only way you know is to ask. And the only way you, you got to ask, you can't let not ask. Well, you don't have to ask. Or you could just read.

You could Google it. You could Google it. But you know, that's, that's why the Middle East has so much turmoil as none of those languages are even remotely the same. Right. Which gets us to the new tub subject I'm dying to talk about. Which was. The truth about a poo.

A poo. Oh yeah. The secret about it. Let me tell you something. When you said that earlier about poo. Yeah. I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. What is it?

Can you help me? What's the title of it? Yeah. It's really fascinating. I see trees of green. By the way, that's cultural appropriation. Yeah. Thank you.

That's what the crazy thing about comedy these days. So this guy. Secret of Andes by a poo. Is that what you're talking about? No, no, no, no, no. It's the, it's the problem with a poo. It's the, it's called a problem of poo by a hero. And I, I'm not going to try to attempt to say his last name because I'll just.

Japanese guy. No, no, no. He's Southeast Asian. Oh, with the Brit. South, no. No. What the fuck? What are you talking about right now?

Hold on. Gilbert, you're embarrassing me. You're embarrassing me. This guy's a headliner. Okay. Uh, here, hero. H-I-R-O. Kun.

Something. Good. But Kun. Kun. Kun. But he. What? Kundamolu.

Yeah. By the way, I have to say this. It's, it's problematic for a white comic to talk about because it's something that immediately. All, this is the biggest problem I think right now is that not enough people are listening, you know? As a 45 year old white guy, I just try to listen. Like, and go, like the thing about not knowing that Japanese people and Chinese people didn't understand each other.

Yeah. I really, I wasn't being hateful. I was like, I didn't know that. I really didn't know that. You really didn't know that. I, dude, I didn't, I didn't know. I love it. I didn't know one Asian person until I was 26 years old.

Wow. That's incredible. I didn't know one Asian person. But you've seen, you saw them around. Like at a mall. Yeah, but I didn't like, I didn't, I wasn't like super interactive. Like, I wouldn't like, hey man, you guys are Asian. I'm Burt.

Yeah. You know? But I want to defend it though too is that, you know, what you were running into were fresh off the boat people. You know, when people come here from a different country, they, they, they, they stick, Asians, we stick to ourselves. Right? We have these little meetings and, you know, like that, the guy Cho Sung-wee, the guy that

shut up Virginia Tech, they couldn't get a hold of, none of the news media could get a hold of his parents to interview them because the Asian community harbored them. Really? And they took them off the market. And they left the country. And then they sent them to Korea and no one could interview them or anything. That's how Asians are. We're very secretive.

That's so badass. Yeah. You like that? Like I wish, I wish. Like I saw Black Panther and I was like, I was like, I wish they had one of these for white guys. Like, you know, obviously. I know, I know.

I know. I realize that later. Batman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I know. I know. Yeah.

My point is Black Panther. My point is like, like white people don't rally. Like they do. It's just bad when white people get together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like that, I think that's, I think that's like the Asian communities, like in New York and that, that shit, I think that's kind of cool. I don't want that to be lost in progress.

I don't want Asians to not be a team. Yeah. Does that make sense? I'm not racist. No, no, no, it's not coming out right. But can I just, I want to, I want to say something. I want to, I want to say that we don't assimilate enough also. Okay.

I think that when you come to this country, right, you should have, you should not just stick to your culture, but to reach your handout and talk to African Americans. I think during the riots, there was no communication and it caused division and the city burned on fire. We should reach our hands out and I think people should, you know, not close themselves off. No, but what about this? No, but what about this though?

How cool is it when you meet another Korean person and you get, and you share something that you both similarly shared in childhood that like no one else knows about? You're like, I don't, I'm not gonna, but like, did your mom ever fold her clothes like this and that's the thing that only Koreans do. And then you go, oh, my mom did that too. And then you're like, oh, do you remember this, this and this? Yeah. Like, like white people don't have that at all.

Like there's nothing, we have nothing similarly shared. Are you kidding me? No, like, like. I would spend the night. I went to, I had this girlfriend, Sarah Highland, right? And she lived in the South. Green, green, Sarah Highland? No, she's white.

Oh, okay. Yeah. She was this tall, white, kind of rednecky kind of girl. She was really funny. She was a standup. Anyway, I used to spend the night, I mean, we would go there to Louisville, Kentucky, and I would, in her, her mom, her grandmother was like kind of racist a little bit. Her parents were pretty liberal, but, and I would wake up and it smelled like my friend

Craig's house growing up, which was a combination of coffee, apple pie, and baseball mitts. This is a bit right here. This is. That's what I smell. I smell all three things at the same time. This is. I wish I had this. I wish I had this.

No, you're, there is a, so white people smell, white people smell like a, like a handful of different things. Yeah. And it's, and we don't go much out of the spectrum. That is fucking hilarious. Well, no, but Asians, we don't go much of the spectrum. Oh, our best friends were Vietnamese and man, you go into their house, like when they bought a new house and we went into there and we're like, it doesn't smell like your house yet

because they haven't been cooking yet. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Dry squid. You know, every Korean household that I've ever gone into, they always have kimchi, a big tub of kimchi in the fridge. And you know when you have like the filtered water, that filtered water always tastes,

it has a hint of kimchi always. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it's seeped into the fucking pipes and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Because the kimchi always stays there. There's always a tub of kimchi and it's just the whole fridge.

Yeah. Yeah. Like our Flint, Michigan, we don't have tainted water, but we have kimchi water. Yeah. Like our fridge sort of has that same vibe. Yeah. We do have that same vibe. Yeah.

Our kids went to Thurstreet School on Thurstreet in like large border of Koreatown. Wait, let me ask you this. Is that private school? No, public school. This is back in the day. They don't go there anymore. But it was predominantly Korean, right? Like the kindergarten class was Korean immersion.

So like, and they taught math the way that Koreans learn math is by the way, barely listen to what I'm saying because I kind of, I don't know what I'm talking about. Yeah. Caution. Caution. But I think Korean math's a lot like playing the violin. Okay. Yep.

He's the wrong person now. I think that the same way to play the violin is how you learn math in Korean and Asian math is easier than white math. Don't take my word on this. I kind of listened at this orientation. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm curious. Math?

Math? Nope. Let me see what I'm going to say. Okay. All right. And then you can say no. I'm going to call my wife. Well, no, don't call your wife.

No, because she would know what I'm trying to say. Yeah. But what I'm just saying is that I thought numbers were a universal thing. No, no, no. It's not. But it's how you learn the math that differs. How you learn the math is very different because Korean math was easier to understand than colonial math.

So they would teach them math in Korean and that's why math scores were through the roof. And someone's got to have my back on this, or at least explain what I'm talking about. Is that kind of like how Rocky trained and Ivan Drago trained? Right. Right. Yeah. Rocky trained in the forest with logs on his back, chasing chickens, and Ivan Drago had the futuristic wires and tubes.

And it is all based on the violin. That makes sense. And when you're playing music, you see a note, you don't calculate what the note is. You go, oh, that's a B. I hit a B. So the way I took kumans is three and two. You don't go, what's three plus two? You go, the combination three and two.

What's kumans? kumans is a math learning center. It's like a math learning center. You motherfucker. I was sitting here hanging out to drive for grammar and you knew this shit. I wanted to see your explanation. You motherfucker. This motherfucker right here.

I know what he just did. I want to apologize. You know what he did? He let the white guy try to hang himself. What you just did to my friend right was sabotage and you made him look like a fool and he's our guest. And I want you to apologize right now. Mr. Khrushchev.

I apologize. Thank you. Fuck you knew what I was trying to say. You know what I was trying to say. But I was bad at it. I was really bad. So I cheated. So our kids couldn't do it either.

Our kids didn't do it either. Calculated. But that's where I got. By the way, the long story to get to this is where I got introduced to the kimchi. The Korean moms on Thanksgiving, they do a Thanksgiving feast, but it was all Korean food. And so I first time I had kimchi was at one of these Thanksgiving feasts when my daughter was in kindergarten and man, kimchi connected with me.

It like something that I was so into it. And so I said to one of the moms and these are like these are I think probably what what is when you just come free is that that's not first generation that's first generation is me. No. Yeah. One before you. That's all these moms are that immigrants.

Yeah. Yeah. But yeah. You can't say immigrants. I don't think I'm a man. Well, I know you are. Please say it. It's a immigrants.

When it comes out with a little more hate. So these immigrants, I feel like you have a noose in your hand. These fucking immigrants, no, but so they I told one of the moms, I said, I really like this. What is this? You said it's kimchi. And I was like, really? And she goes, yeah, you know how it's made.

And I know I find that fascinating that you bury it and then you dig it up, but they didn't do that for them. But for so I said, I would I love this. I want more. She goes, I'll bring you some tomorrow brings me a five gallon glass jar of kimchi. I ate this kimchi for a fucking year. My neighbor, my neighbor was a was a chef named Roy Choi, Roy Choi started, he was my next door neighbor and our kids are the same age.

Yeah. Roy Choi. Yeah. Yeah. Roy Choi. Roy Choi. Roy Choi. What the fuck is it?

I love that. I love that. Do I know Roy Choi? Yeah. You know Roy Choi. How do I know Roy Choi? He owns the restaurant. Yeah.

But do I know him personally? I think so. Are you friendly? I love him. I love you, Roy. And he started a thing called kimchi tacos. And I saw this fucking five gallon jar of kimchi and he was like, you should make kimchi breakfast tacos and told me how to do it.

I made it. Wow. It fucking changed my life. I dude, I ate, I haven't had kimchi forever, but, but, and that's why I'm here. I wanted to try it again. Do you have a jar? No, but I love, I, man, I love kimchi. You know, it's like, it's so funny because you, from, from the outskirt, right?

You look like, um, something I might not like. Oh, everyone says that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was in, let's say I was in Indiana and I'm lost, right? Yeah. And I'm in a cornfield and I see you with that hat at the whole thing.

Oh yeah. I'll go, I need directions, but that's not the guy. Everyone says that. But you are the guy. Do I'm the sweetest guy? I understand that. But I'm just saying in the beginning, you didn't seem like the guy. I look like a meathead and I come off like a, like a hard penis.

Like I'm like, everyone's like, oh, and I'm loud and I'm noxious and like I say fucked up things. And I don't, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, right? But I really enjoy your lips. Oh, by the way, that's one of the things that my sweet spot is. Lips is really puffy in the right ways. Yup. I have a really great lip.

It looks like a pussy. I'll take it. Yeah, good. Yeah. Yeah. You have pussy lips. I had a girl, my first girls I ever made out with said, uh, I really like your lips. Yeah.

Your lips are soft. I swear to God for like five years after that I kissed like this, like no muscle in my lip. Yeah. Yeah. This is very nice. You look like you're, are you dipping? No, but I dipped for a long time.

You did. Yeah. Is that bad for you? Nah. I don't know if cancer is real. He thinks it's bad for you. I don't think you can really get cancer. Cancer's not real.

Yeah. But you know, I don't, he's here. I mean, this, I hear a lot of people that smoke get lung cancer. Oral cancer is probably. I don't see people like. You want to look like, um, Roger Ebert with half of his face, but he didn't dip. He just, um, what I'm saying. Yeah.

Too much beef jerky or something. That's what oral cancer and cancer like that area causes. Oh, it does. You lose a part of your face. Yeah. I don't want to look like that. Dude, that was the picture. They passed around to us in baseball when we were kids.

It was the guy who just dipped for four years and lost his bottom jaw. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, they shoot the picture. Yeah. But it's not real. That's not real. You can't get, you can't get lip cancer that quick.

I mean, Roger Ebert was like 70 or something. It is real. Oral cancer is very real, but I don't think it shows up that quick unless like you're prone to cancer. I mean, children also get cancer also. That's why everyone should support. I mean, anything is, everything's cancerous. Yeah.

Everything is, you know. But is there a guy, is there a guy on earth that dipped since he was 18 and he's now 90 and he doesn't have cancer? Yeah. My wife's, my wife's dad has been chewing tobacco since he was 13. My wife's grandfather chewed tobacco until since when he was a child, like seven, probably until he was 90. Yeah.

Never had, it's, it's a lot of, also it's about oral hygiene. I think, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't take anything I say for fucking proof. Yeah.

Yeah. But I'm listening. Yeah. I'm listening. I like it. Will you be my doctor? Please. Yeah.

I'm my own. I'm not quitting anything. Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah. I think it's about like flossing and brushing. Right. Like if you were three times a day, I might not get cancer.

No cancer. You might not? You won't. You won't. 100%. I don't know why we're ballparking this. Why not take big swings? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because my, both my, I don't know if you know this, but my grandparents, you know, my dad's dad and my mom's dad, my mom's dad smoked a pack a day since he was 18 and he died at like 102. Yeah. But your parents and your grandparents moved their bodies every day.

They are not sedentary 20 hours a day like you are. I like what you're saying right here. Why? So, because they say something about movement, like 10,000 steps a day. Because if you're thinking about it, what smoking does is it hardens your, your blood vessels, right? But if you're staying mobile and you're working your circulation, you know, you're, you're kind of countering the effects of, or the damage that you're doing at smoking, at least

a little bit. A little bit, a little bit. Yeah. But can I just say this? Who smokes and a person like you who smokes, the likelihood of you getting sick is much higher than that athlete who smokes just as much. Michael Phelps. Shut up, man.

I love you though, I mean, that's what I meant to say, my bad. Bless you. Bless you. Are you allergic to cats? I play video games. No, no, no. Yeah, I am, but not bad. I play video games.

I use my fingers. Wait, what's the most exercise? You ever do the stairs up here? Oh, you don't mind? No. He doesn't even know they exist up there on Beachwood. When I do, let me say something right now. You're the best hike right up here.

Yeah, I know. All right. Okay, let me just say something. We went fucking hiking a couple of weeks ago. And his sugar drop, he became hypoglycemic and I had to drive the car up the hill on the hike trail to pick him up. Oh, you're smiling. That's weird.

No, I think that's totally natural. You think it is? Dude, I just ran the LA Marathon with no training. I don't know. Did you make it all the way through? Yeah, of course. Damn. Did you walk any part of it?

Oh, yeah. But how many miles is it? 26.2. You did the whole thing. I did the whole process. No, you did the whole thing. It's a whole fucking thing. 26 miles.

26.2. How long did it take you? Five hours and 33 minutes. I can't fucking believe that. Dude, no training. Didn't train for it at all. Didn't train at all. Just went out, drank the night before, showed up six in the morning, got out, race started

at seven, and I jogged. I was with Hazer's Trejo. We jogged. Oh, we love him. Jogged straight for 17 miles. Wow. So, at 17 miles was the first, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I jogged straight for 20 miles. At 20 miles was the first time I had to walk because both my calves seized up in my legs

and my quads seized up in my quads and the lady in front of me shitter pants and I went, this is why you train. Oh, she shitter pants. She shitter pants. It was the size of a bandaid that went down one leg and it fucking, I was like, people were collapsing, everyone started cramping up. That's when you cramp up is 20 miles, 20 miles at 17 miles started getting in my head. So I was like, well, I still have like nine miles.

I never run nine miles. Yeah. And then at 20 miles, I fucking, that's the first time I walked. And I probably walked from 20 miles to 24 miles intermittently, like jog for 50 feet and then walk again, jog and then walk again. And then. Can I ask you this? Yeah.

That's a Florida DNA. He just has it in him embedded deeply. Yeah, I know. Can I please get that cut isolated of her saying that? Yes. No, I call it the Mickey Mantle Jean. You do. You know why?

Because I work out every day and I can't do the marathon. I can't even do a half marathon. You could do it. I cannot. No, you could. There's something embedded deeply inside me that does not. I'm incapable of running on land. I can swim probably that length, but I cannot run.

Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do a tag team sprint marathon. Oh, I can sprint triathlon. I've done a sprint triathlon. I want to do one of those. Yeah. Those are fun.

Yeah. I want to say something about. With Bobby. Bobby runs. Bobby runs. The Malibu has one. Let's do a Malibu relay. Bobby rides a bike.

Hold on one second. I can guarantee you that I can come out of that pack. I love this kind of talk right here. Top. I can guarantee you. It's all I want to hear. Listen to me. I can get you top 25 out the water.

Okay. All right. If you lose that lead, I swear to God, I'm out the team. Okay. No, I guarantee you, I will train and I will get us top, top, I'm not top 25 out of the water. I can't go that high. I get us, I'll keep us into the top 100.

Just keep us in the pocket. I'll keep us in the pocket. But he's our cyclist. That's the final leg. The cyclist is the second leg. I'm not doing it. Okay. You're the run.

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. Let's do this. This is what, dude, this is what, this is what dreams are made of. Listen, man. Your pants. Oh, you got to do is ride a bike. Fuck up, man. All right.

You first of all, you can't make decisions without me. You guys are making all these plans and stuff. I got to get in on it. All right. I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. Get in on it. All right. I'm going to get on it.

Maybe just a biathlon. I just want to say this. Okay. No, no, no, no. I just want to say this. All right. What's going on? We're doing a triathlon.

Okay. Let's start from the beginning. Okay. Let's start from the beginning. What's going on? It's a sprint tag team Malibu triathlon. Okay. So it's a sprint.

It's going to be in six months. It's a real thing. It's a real thing. It's a Malibu. Okay. So you do a part. How many people are involved? Three.

Three. You tag you and then you bike. You ride a bike. How far? It's not that far. How far? How far? It's a sprint triathlon.

How far? It's 40 KM. 40 feet. 40 feet? It's not 40 feet. It's like, I think it's like, what's 40 K? It's a Nautica Malibu triathlon. And let me see how long it is.

I got the run part. A lot. I have the swim part. A lot. I need about two months to train and I'm good. Give me two months to train. And we are competitive. How long do I have to ride a bike for?

Give me two months to train. Get the three of us and let's put up money on a betting site and let people try to beat us. All right. Yes. George just said it's 25 miles. That's not bad. Just listen.

Listen. That's riding from the airport and back. Okay. Let me just say this. You'll never find me again. Bobby. It's a bike ride. You will find 60 years from now in some forest.

The remains of a bike, right, and a skeleton, a fat skeleton, just creating like a fucking baby. A skeleton. Right. How's the skeleton? Yeah. Yeah. I have fat bones.

I have fat bones as well, right. And my skull, if you analyze my skull, right, underneath like the eye part, it'll just be like, what are you, those little, you know, in those caves with the little, you know, the calcium. Slag tights. The calcium. Yeah. Slag tights.

Yeah. Slag tights. Slag tights. Slag tights. And that's what's going to happen. I'll fucking die. I'm not doing it. This will change your life.

I can't fucking. You always said you, you wanted to get into biking or cycling. Dude, a challenge is what we need. Can I just say something to you, man? I want to be real with you. I've always had this fantasy about a race war. I really, really, I'm being real. I lay in bed sometimes.

I think of what would a race war look like and whites versus blacks versus Asians or whatever. I think about this a lot. I do too. And in my head, as of late in the last couple of years, I thought to myself, you know, the whites, I think they would die out. Oh, easy. No.

Until I looked at you just now, here's the thing that whites have. Here's what the thing that whites have that we underestimate, right, is the core strength of a will. They're not, they're not smarter. They're not. They're just a little crazier, right? Like serial killers. You know, there's, you know, there's, you know, you have the night stalker who's a

Mexican guy who sneaks in, right? You know, you know what I mean? And then leaves. I think they have stronger livers. But the whites, they, they, they, then they'll do something like, I'm going to cut the eyeballs out and stick it in the butthole. Yeah. Let's take it to the next level.

It's white privilege. Yeah. It's not knowing the struggle and assuming the world's built up here. Wow. Yeah. It's not knowing. Oh my God. I'm so clear.

The privilege, that fucking movie I was talking about, the problem with the poo, they explained what right privilege was and it was not knowing what it's like to be marginalized. That was what they were saying. And I thought it was really fascinating. Cause I was like, oh yeah, I never really watched any TV show and said, said, uh, I had, I got to figure out like who these, like when I watched Black Panther, I was a little bit like, yeah, that's cool, but I'm not black, but I got, I can identify with them as people and humans.

Oh, that's great. But like that's what this guy was saying. That's really interesting. It was a really fascinating, it's a really great documentary. I don't agree with it entirely. However, I do like, it's something I can watch. It's a documentary. I think you'll like it.

It's not a book. It's on Vimeo. You can pull it up on Vimeo. What's it called again? You'll write it down. I'm going to watch it tonight. The problem with the problem with the poo. The problem with the problem with the poo.

What's the guy's name? What do you say his name? Uh, Hari Kandabalu. Yeah. It's pretty good. I think he's a little off. I think because when I see pictures of your daughters on Facebook at one night, yeah. Okay.

You'll take a glance, you'll take a glance at somebody's Instagram, right? Yeah. And you go a little dive into their life. What is his life like, right? Your wife looks very pretty and intelligent and normal. Your kids look so grounded and I've never talked to them, just okay. But just based on what I see, it's like you have a great family life. You look like a great dad.

I mean, I saw a photo of you, I think you guys are in Hawaii or something. You're with other Asians in the photo, I think. It's my friend, Sandy, who told me about sunglasses. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you just look like you have this really nice life and coming from where I know where

you came from, which is stand up and you partied a lot in college and whatnot. Still party pretty hard. I know you do. Yeah. But I just feel like you've really carved off a good life for yourself. Dude, I'm the luckiest guy you'll ever meet in the world. But here's the thing that sucks is that I leverage a little bit of my career to have a regular life.

So I don't really call them for spots that often at the store if I'm working on something I will. But I look at it, like tonight, well, tonight I was doing this, but we had a dinner party with friends. We went to, I had our kids all meet up and then the kids stayed and then we went to this bar and had a barbecue and then walked back and like that's kind of how I like to spend my Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. As opposed to the store where it's just me and then I'm working on material and then

I wake up late, you know. So like I kind of like being, I like being a dad. I really like being a dad. But you know, it's so funny because here's a guy talking, you're talking to a guy who is there every night. I'm always, I respect that. Like I wish I had that. No.

No, no, no, no. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Okay. You tell me why and then I'll tell you why. I'm going to tell you why. I'm going to tell you why.

No. Right. Right. Because Kirk Fox and I were sitting in the back the other night. We're there. And, you know, and we don't see you guys. Right. Cause you guys have lives.

Right. And I have a great life with my beautiful. Great. I have a great life. But my point is, is that we got we losers, you know, and we're like, I think maybe kind of. But I'll tell you the opposite side of that is me and Segura. Right.

Segura is not there every night. Killing it. But no. Because when you guys show up, it's like mythological creatures and like, oh my God, they came to visit from the like, the great heavens of comedy. You know, but we both go up there and go, shit, like, I wish we were hustling. I wish we were up here every night. I wish we were like, like Rogan's up there every night.

Fucking Ari would be up there every night. You know, Joey Diaz is up there every night. You're up there every night. Like Kirk Fox up there every night. Fucking Michael Koss is up there every night. A fucking Jesalnik. All right. There's so many guys.

We get it. And then we, all of us are like. We have the cops. There are a lot of people. We're like, I wish we were hustling the way that we are, but then you think it's a hard balance trying to be like a regular person and then also be a standup comedian. Ironic that you say that because, um, because you put Segura, I feel like you and Segura are in the same category.

I feel like you guys right now, especially in 2018 are the top guys. No, Tommy is, I'm not, I'm not even remotely close. Oh, you are. No, no, I'll tell you how, I'll tell you why. Okay. I'll tell you why. Okay. So, to get me and Chris Delia to show up on a Monday to do your cooking show, I was surprised

by that. No, but let me just say this, right? I know what you're saying. Cause him and I were an instant. Yes. Right. And when I showed up, Chris has already been there for like 30 minutes waiting to do it. And Chris is a busy guy and he's also, you know, he's just that guy.

He's busy. Yeah. But, and I'm kind of busy lately, right? And for us to go to drop things and go, we have to do it, right, means that there's something going on with you that's special. That is the best compliment I've ever gotten in this entire business in my life. Because to get Brian Callan and Brendan Shaw to do it as well is special. So what I'm saying is, is that I guarantee you that you're one of the top guys right

now. The best compliment I've ever gotten in my, in this business, because it's, it's an applicable comment, compliment where you go, cause I did, when they said, uh, who you want to get? And I was like, well, I don't know. Like, I was like, I said a bunch of names and they're like, what about the Lee and Bobby Lee? And I was like, yeah, but I don't think we're ever going to get them. And then they were like, they're available Monday.

I was like, are you serious? And they're like, I was blown the fuck away because that was one of the best episodes we've shot and it hasn't aired yet. God bless you. That was one of the funniest God bless you and take care. And I want to say this, I want to say this to you, Bert, is that I mean, a couple of times I've been, I've been to all things comedy and said, how do I get into birds thing? You know, like he's busy, this and that.

So I was just waiting. I was waiting on the wing to get involved. So it's, I've been a fan of yours. I also gave you a fucking, you think that was a compliment, what are the puffy lips? Shit. You fuck nut. I said, you're fucking puffy lips are fucking like a pussy. I said, you said it.

All right. I wrote that one down. Um, yeah, you're someone that's been, but see, you're someone that's been killing it for like, like, I'm going to say 15 years. Oh my God. You have, you don't even know what you're talking about right now. Dude. I do.

You don't know what my life, I'm going to say this right now, Bert. And I've said this before and I'll say it again. My life didn't change. And I wasn't in the game until I met this lady. Oh, don't give me that much credit. You don't know though. No, no, no, no. Wait, tell me what.

This lady right here changed my whole career. How so? Oh, in so many, in so many. That part that we, he said he was so good at. Yeah. He did none of it. Here's the thing. I, if you don't know, you don't know this.

All right. First of all, I haven't written a joke in probably six years. And that's, that's a, no, really, it really is. That's not true. That's not true at all. I do maybe five new jokes. Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Number two, I play probably about 12 hours of video games a day. Maybe more. Maybe more. Are you serious? More. I don't eat well. When I get auditions or I get offered things, I usually see no because of laziness and fear.

And when I met her, I was at the bottom. I couldn't get anything going. I didn't have. I remember a time when he was on his hands and knees praying that he would get the part of that one guy's like non-existent show. Remember that we were Mr. Robot? No, not Mr. Robot. You and a friend of yours.

Yeah. Remember from mad TV, you were like, I hope we get this. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So there was this, I was at the competition when this English guy comes up to me, that guy. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I'm going to do it later. Okay. Because I don't want him to feel bad if he's listening.

He goes, hello, I'm doing this pilot. And I go, what is it? I'm just doing my own independent pilot. And Troy Miller is doing it. And I got in my hands and he's like, please let me do it. And it wasn't even a network or a studio. He was just, Troy and him were just doing it on their own. And then like me showing up and like auditioning and trying to get it.

Yeah. And it was, it was, it was basically at the end of the day, like a YouTube video. Like a YouTube video. You know what I mean? Student film. And I was like waiting in line and begging to get on that. I remember that. Right.

Remember that? And you were like, look at me like, no, you're Bobby Lee. You know what I mean? And I'm like, that's all I can get. And then like, I did all, I like 80, 80 Chelsea lately is just so that I could get people in the rooms. Yeah. You know, I was not.

I was like, thank you Chelsea for the opportunity, but I wasn't. And then when I met her, she just basically kept saying, you're a fucking pussy. That's so bizarre how you perceive yourself. I perceive myself in a poor light and, but like, I have never perceived you as anything other than, and when you go, I haven't written a joke in six years, part of me goes, well, you should just write down what you're saying on stage in the store because at all of that, like that's the way I write is I just go up and I, I go fucking nuts on stage and I try to write on stage, but your improv's are better than the jokes I've written.

So like I watch you, I sit back and watch you and I go, Jesus man, but then, but it's so funny that you say that, that that is your reality because I've seen the opposite side of you. I always go like the new show you're on right now, the, the in between us or splitting up together, splitting up together. I saw that and I was like, of course Bobby's in that, like, of course, like, of course, you know, the way you'd say that about like, of course, tigers in the lead, you know, like, of course he's in the run, like it's, it's so, it's, it is interesting how we perceive

ourselves and you think that's based on your, because mine's based on my dad's interaction with me as a kid. Yeah. My dad, I was, I'll never be right. I'll never, like I was the fastest kid in first grade and I came home. I told my dad, I'm a fast guy in first grade and he said, you'll never be faster than me. And I was like, oh man. Yeah, but not, but this wasn't, he like, he wasn't being a dick.

He was just being a dad in the eighties or seventies. And so I went to the front yard and I said, I don't know, I'm pretty quick. Let's race. So we go to the front yard. Challenge. Yeah. Yeah. This is like childhood confidence that Mickey Mandel team we're talking about.

And I, I split up and I, I, I start, count it down. We sprint. I'm hauling ass and I look up and he's running in front of me backwards going, you'll never beat me at anything. Oh my God. And that happened in every sport I ever played with him, but it was like a way of going like, I've got the big dick. This is how this works.

I'm the alpha. And so part of me has always looked for like a father figure. I think I do that in agents and managers sometimes, like a father figure. Yeah. And, and, and also it's a way that I like kind of beat myself up where I go like, oh, that was fucking horrible. Yeah. Your dad would, you know, yeah, do you think that was, well, I mean, my dad does this.

And here's, I mean, it's similar in the way that like when I, years ago, when I did Jay Leno, I did stand up on Jay Leno and he, I told him, and to watch it. And then the next day he called me and he goes, how much did you pay them to get on that? Like he thought that I saved up some money and how that's how people get on the tonight show. Like Tom Cruz goes on and goes, here's a grand thanks for having me on. You know what I mean?

Thank you so much. Yeah. I mean, you know, he thinks that this is easy or like this is, is this a real job? I think now he's a little better about it. You know, he's proud, but in the beginning, dude, it was like, yeah, how much are you paying them or do they, you don't get money, right? And you're like, yeah, I make a lot of money. Yeah.

And he's like, oh, I can't believe, you know, I mean, like it's that kind of. So when you got mad TV and, and, and that's one of those game changers where you get, that was your first big break, right? Oh my God. I got your mind. Yeah. He was. I mean, it's not a game changer.

Yeah, it is. I mean, you know, people say that, and I guess in retrospect, maybe it is, but the thing is, is that at the time, you know, you get like five grand a week. Dude, I remember when I got five grand a week, my first TV show, and I did the math wrong and I looked at my buddy, Eddie, in the front seat, we were on the corner of Gower and Franklin and I went, I'm a fucking millionaire. I know, not Korean math, not because when you, and it is a lot of money. It is a lot of money, but if, if you talk, you're your agent and your manager, 20% right

there are taxes. Yeah. So you're making about $2,200 a week. You pocket. That's good. If you can't buy a house, but you can't buy a house and it's not a life changer. You know, when you growing up as a kid, when people said, when you thought of a TV star, you go, Oh yeah, he's, you know, limos and mansion and his life, you know, and that's

wasn't the case. In fact, the new mat TV that happened last year, I know a couple of cast members that were like, Oh no, I'm still weight tables. Like they're waiting tables and still on a show. You know, so, you know, the ones like Eric stone street, you know, that we've had on our podcast, people that are who's that he's on modern family. He plays the large gay man, the large gay man on my yeah, he's a friend of ours. And um, he makes a lot of money, but that show was a hit.

Yeah. If you're a regular show is going to be a hit. What? The new one. The new one's going to be it. The new one, dude, the new one has got, I love the, the female lead is from the office, right? Yeah.

She's awesome. Yeah. She's awesome. And that's the role I always wanted to see her in. I'm no disrespect to the office, but I always wanted to see her in that role. That dude is fucking awesome. Oliver's great. Yeah.

It looks like it looks like it's going to be a hit show. And then you go. Yeah. Those are good. Has it aired yet? Yeah. Twice. Oh hell yeah.

And I also want to, I want to take the time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want to take the time to thank Tiger belly fans because, um, we did you guys were relentless, especially on social media and whatnot or very well, yeah, hashtagging all that stuff. And some good news. It's not picked up yet, but, um, you know, we want, we want the, we want the time slot

two weeks in a row. And the numbers are really good. And, um, you know, the one thing about the show that if I'm going to say anything about it's perfect, the show runners, the actors, I have a great time on it. It's hard for me to figure out how to become me on that show to do what I actually do. I might not have been able to do that. You know how like, you know how funny you can be, right? And then if you get a part where it's like, yeah, I got to play.

So you're in this part and there's not much you can do outside of that. You got to respect what the writers bring to you. Exactly. And go, I don't want to misrepresent how they see the picture because that's, it's their project. Yeah. It's their money. Yeah.

So I can't go out and go crazy. I mean, that's the, but you know what? At the end of the day, you know, I'm happy to, you know, be in it and, um, you don't have ice. How do you not have ice? We don't, we've never had ice here. Our fridge is from the 1980s. How do you not have ice?

Why do you need ice? I was going to make it a cocktail. Yeah. Then I, yeah. Well, you keep, let me just, because, you know, I'm not drinking a vodka hot soda. Yeah. How do you not have fucking, hold on, I feel like I learned everything I need to know about you guys.

When you wake up and you want to drink, you just go, I guess I'll have a lukewarm water. Yeah. Okay. So here's the note. Stop, friend. I'm going to, I'm going to stop you in your tracks right now. Okay. Okay.

We have, um, rituals that we have in this house. Okay. And what you're applying rituals, rituals, rituals, rituals, all right, let me say this. Yeah. I'm trying to make this quick. I want to use my girlfriend and I, right? We love cold beverages. Oh, really?

Yeah. Yeah, but what we do is we put in, God, this is cold. We put in the refrigerator. Can you put everything in the fucking refrigerator? Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe you don't like that. Do you realize that would be a game changer?

But we're also Asians and Asians like proper things. You're Asian? Yeah. Filipino. Whoa, dude. I don't like the way you said that. Yeah. She's Asian, dude.

Um, she's just mixed with a little bit of French. Say the other part, Bobby. She's half Egyptian. For real? Yeah, yeah. Half Filipino. I love Egyptians. I met a man.

Shout out to you, my friend, wherever you are, whatever desert you're hanging out in right now. He's in the Middle East, by the way. I'm not saying that as a racist thing. He's out there. He's actually out in Abu Dhabi or something, so whatever desert you're in, not a racist thing. God bless you and take care.

Okay. This should be an interesting cocktail. So I'm going to go to my sister's house and get iced. Is it far? Is it far? She's a block away. You know, I'll tell you another thing is that we just don't use ice because I don't drink. You know that, right?

No, but you drink fluids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know, so what we do is this, okay? Just hear me out, okay? What we do is we buy a bottle of water like this, okay? Yeah. And then we stick it in the refrigerator. The refrigerator.

I don't know if you know how it works, but. Can you start making ice, maybe? Yeah, it chills. Are you sure there's no ice in there? There's no ice. We've never had ice. Oh, we haven't made ice in five years. Yeah.

I understand that half of your listeners right now are going, hold on. You guys don't have ice? Like, that's like it. When we finally get it, it feels like such a treat. Like when I go to my sister's house, it's the art of withholding. She's from the Philippines. So when I go and get to my sister's house, the first thing I go to is her crushed ice machine.

I can't even say that. You've never said it, ever. But it's the most delicious thing ever, and I sit there and I just crunch ice for like hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You knew you could have that every day, right? No, I don't want it. It's free.

Or I could have just say this. Where do we get the one? What do you mean? Our fridge. Look at our fridge. No, it's our machine that I can buy. Yeah, yeah, Bobby, there is. Yeah.

Actually, I bought all of them. I love ice. I've had like three different ice makers. Yeah. I'm thinking about getting one installed in my garage because I want the hardcore, like the crushed, crushed ice. Right, right. The sonics.

Oh, what does ice do? It makes this drink. Science alert. Science alert. No, science alert. Science alert. Science alert. What it is, what it is, is this, is that what I'm saying is, is that I know when you put

ice in things, it waters it down. Or it makes it cold. It makes it cold. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you drink it quick enough, it makes it cold so that your tongue doesn't go hot. That tastes like vomit. Or vodka. Okay.

I can't believe. I can't believe I got to drink this quickly. Yeah. I'm going to get fucking hammer on this podcast so I'm trying to chase the ice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me just say this. Okay, next time you come over. I'm bringing my own ice.

I don't know. No, I don't trust you. I don't trust you that much. Oh, oh, oh. I got the challenge because let me say this right now. So what? I'm a man of my word. Okay.

Okay. Everyone back up. All right. Let me say this right now. Motherfucker, you will have varieties of ice. Do you guys have like, you'll have ice with different like, like cold grapes? Oh, we can freeze some grapes. Yeah.

No, you, or water. You can freeze water. We don't have the ice, ice maker thing. Cubes. Cubes. Not the tray. Do we get one of those? If we had an ice maker tray, we'd make ice.

Fuck not. It's the old one. They are. Look at our fridge over there. Freezer top. Regular bottom. What's cold in there? Packs of...

Oh, yeah. We might have something there. We might have something there. Go get them. Yeah, yeah. Blueberries? How old are these blueberries? They're pretty new.

They're pretty new. Yeah. They might be a little frostbitten though. That's fine. Yeah, yeah. I'll take it. You're going to put frozen blueberries in there? Something to eat.

I also have frozen coconut in there. This is so... This is why he would win a race war. This is insane. Race war. This is what you're doing. It'll chill my... It's as cold as ice.

This is so cool. Yeah, all right. And flavored. Yeah, this might be the new thing. This is so ridiculous right there. All right. Enjoy your beverage. That's not that bad actually.

Really? Yeah, it's a little blueberry hint. That's actually really good. Yeah. Let's get the rest of you. But it was interesting when I did your cooking show though with Chris and we were making that thing that we made where I don't want to give away what we made. I thought to myself, there's no way I'm going to eat this fucking thing.

Everyone says that. They go... I was reading the comments. The one we released today was with... I was nervous because it was Wheeler Walker Jr. and then the guests also we had backed out at the last minute. So they were like, oh, your wife and Wheeler did a podcast with you. Why don't you just have your wife on?

I was nervous. I was like, my wife's not like a talent, you know? Yeah. She's not like super... That's not her calling. Yeah. But they were... They hit it off.

So we did it and everyone thought this meal was going to suck dick. It was Nashville hot chicken and it was awesome. And everyone's like... Everyone in the comments is like, I'm amazed that these meals turn out good. And I was like, I'm actually a cook. Like I can cook. Yeah. That's what surprising to me was...

That one was scary that we did because we had to make the pasta. And I kind of thought Chris would like jump in because he's Italian and his dad's like legit Italian. He's not that kind of Italian. He's not. No. He's a more bang bang Italian. You know?

Yeah. Welcome to the restaurant. Welcome to the restaurant. Hey. Hey. Hey. I love that Bobby's impression just had to do with the fingers. It wasn't the accent.

He's like, welcome to the restaurant. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. But he's like more, you know, that type. Yeah. Yeah.

He's creative. How long have you known him? Since he started doing stand up. And when he was... Five years. So wait. How... Well, I met him maybe a decade ago and he was an open-micer and he was really good.

And there was just something about him. You know, Chris, Delia, his parents, you know, his dad was a producer. But what happened was he, his dad would like, as a kid, come and do a show for us. He would go in and do a show in front of his mom and dad, like comedy and stuff. And he would encourage it. Yeah. And he just was born knowing that he was funny and that he was loved. And I think that he just knew he was a star from the beginning.

He has... He not to figuratively suck his dick, but like, there's something about him that is like a legit star quality. Yeah. Where even like his Instagrams, it just comes off like he didn't overthink it. He didn't... He just is doing it. Like, I was thinking of doing a line of all my outtakes and then not posting the video

because I do a hundred outtakes before I do post whatever. Even being like, hey, we just caught a butterfly. I'm like, hey guys, we just caught a butterfly. Butterfly. Fucking butter. But... Yeah. He's just like one of those guys that was just like born.

And then there are people... But he doesn't... He's not the prototypical stand up. You know, I think prototypical stand up is someone like David Tell or, you know... Someone who sat in the back of the class and never was allowed to show their personality, but their personality was always writhing underneath them. Yes. Yeah.

Like those are the guys that I was... Those are the ones, my favorite ones. Yeah. I was on a tour with Atel a long time ago. For real? Yeah. It was me, Atel, Carlos Muncie and DC Curry. We did theaters.

Are you serious? Yeah. It was a long time ago, 15 years ago. I was a kid. But I was like opening. Yeah. And Atel would bring like a pillowcase attached to a stick as his briefcase. And in my head, I'm like, this guy is either a hobo or a real stand up.

I mean... He's my favorite stand up. He's one of my favorite too. He's my favorite stand up. He's so good. But Delia is not that. I feel like you're more that. We were both dark, but also nice, but also self esteem.

Our self esteem can be low. And maybe I don't know you as well. I'm broken. Oh, I am broken. You're broken, right? Yeah. I feel broken and Delia is not broken. And I think that's the reason why I like him because I don't feel like I'm hanging out

with a broken person. Oh, I asked him why he didn't drink. One time we're in the hallway and he goes, I don't know, man, I feel like if I don't need it, I shouldn't do it. And then I was like, I'm so the opposite. Like when they, when we got sponsors coming through and one of them was the cigarette you're holding. Jewel.

Yeah. And they were like, Hey, do you, would you like to be a, would you like us to be a sponsor? And my wife's like Bert doesn't smoke and I go, but I could start. Like I don't mind think like, I don't, I wouldn't mind an extra thing in my life. Like, remember when you first heard about girls cutting and you, and I remember hearing that and going, so is that like, what does that do for you? Like, you know, like a broken way of like, I wouldn't mind adding cutting into my thing if it makes me a little more in control.

Like I've always been like that with everything where I just go, Oh, that makes sense. Like I don't, I never looked at life like, Oh yeah, I probably shouldn't drink in the morning. And when I was 13, I met a guy named Julio and we would smoke pot, right? And one day he's like, Hey man, we got to go to this guy girl's Lucy's house. Like, I'll go to Lucy's. We ditch school went to Lucy's. Lucy was this 30 year old lady.

She lived in Rancho Bernardo was a little community next to our town. You grew up just north of San Diego. Yeah. And when it's San Diego County. Yeah. So we walked in, I remember being 13 years old and there was a baby in the living room crawling around and the baby was crawling around a full blown meth lab. Oh yeah.

Right. I've told you about that. Right. And then my friend Julio goes, Hey, I'm going to deal, you know, meth for this lady, but you want some? And I didn't even think about it. I'm like, Yeah, I didn't know what it was and then asked and I snorted it up a bunch of lines.

I didn't sleep for five days after that, but I was hooked right away. You know, I'm just one of those broken guys that just wants to escape his reality. You know, that's why, you know, I've been sober for 16 years because I just can't. I can't do it. If I drank that right now. We just call the rails. I'm not kidding you. In two weeks, I'd be in Santa Monica Boulevard second day.

I wish that happened to me. I wish that happened to me. I don't have that. I don't have the like when I don't drink for like a month or whatever. Like I didn't, I just didn't drink for four weeks. And when I didn't drink, I just, this is like last month, I just started drinking again and then I was like, Oh yeah, I missed this. It's, you know, it's like fun for me.

Yeah. Yeah. But I wasn't accusing you. No, no, no, no, no, no, but like I have friends who go. I had a friend who, uh, uh, Jay Moore, he used to say, I don't, I don't, I don't not love him. I don't love him. I think I've had a very storied past and I don't have, I don't have any hate for Jay.

I hope, I hope it seems in my eyes, I'm very, very happy for him. He seems like he's really grounded right now. He's fishing for sea bass on a fucking paddle board in Malibu every morning. Yeah. Like that's, I think where he needs to be. No, I think I'd love that. I would love that. I would love that.

Yeah. We would love that. Yeah, but you don't know Jay. You don't know Jay. You know, Jay is, he's, first of all, one of the most naturally funny guys. Very. Oh my God. He's so fast.

He's. Right. He's, how fast is Jay Moore? He, uh, he is one of the quickest dudes. Yeah. You could, you could give him a basic premise and he could take it up on stage and obliterate it in nine different ways. And if you look inside his eyes, you can see shatters of his broken soul through his eyes.

And I think, well, I think, I think part of what makes Jay complicated and great is that I don't, I mean, I don't know. I haven't talked to him in a very long time, so that's irresponsible for me to say. But I will say that, like, he is amazing on stage, but why are we going on this? About drinking and whatnot. Oh, he said to me, he said, if I started drinking again, I'd be in prison. I'd be in jail within 24 hours. Yeah.

I don't have that. I know you don't. You know how I know. I know. You know how I know you don't have that. So I'm complaining about ice. No, because you just, you, you look at somebody's life from the outskirts and you go, you know, like you remind me your family dynamics and what you have in your life reminds me of what

Al Magical has. Oh, Al's. I wish I could be more like Al. Yeah. But you guys are similar in that way. Al can smoke pot, have a cocktail and be like, guys, I got to get the fuck out of here. I got a softball game in two, like two, like he is just a gangster. I got a car deal on brokering.

He's just a fucking gangster. He invited me to dinner once, Al, and I showed up and there was like one of those like tables with what do you call the table with the napkins on the, well, you put the plate on the napkins. Tablecloth. Oh, my God. Is that what they call it? Tablecloth.

Right. Table napkin. Then they had utensils on top of another cloth piece. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know much about it. Yeah. Yeah.

In the center of the table that was like condom condoms, salt shake condiments. Oh yeah. Condiments. Condiments. Condiments. Condiments. Condiments. Condiments.

Fine China. China. China. Right. And then, and then Kristen came out with, you know, a bowl of salad that was already pretossed. Yeah. Right.

And then she brought like bread that was like steaming from a, like a wooden block. Like it was baked. Something like that. Yeah. I don't know what it was. And then hot bread in the salad. I'm going to go away right now. And then, then she did something like, okay, kids, dinner time.

Right. And these kids came out of like rooms, like rooms, the other, their bedrooms. Right. And I go, what the fuck is this? And they sit down and then Al comes sits at the head of the table. Right. Yeah. And they passed the bowl around pretoss like pretoss bowl and they're like, they have

a tablecloth. Yeah. Tongs. Tongs. Tongs. Tongs. Tongs. Tongs.

Tongs. Tongs. Tongs. Tongs. Tongs. Tongs. Right. And then you're, they pass the bread around and you have to slice it with butter and shit.

Yeah. And I'm going, this is, he's a comedian. Yeah. That's, that is, that is the impressive thing about Al. Have you gone to his, his Christmas Eve party? I don't think he trusts me. Well, I went to his Christmas Eve party and it is, it is, this is what's really impressive with Al is that it's like half comics and half regular fucking people.

He knows that just live in the world. That's incredible. And you're like, and you're like, what are you doing? The guy's like, I'm a car salesman. That's incredible. And you're like, shut the fuck up. Like so much so Al gave us a tour of his house and he took us up to his office and I lit a joint and Al was like, hey, not everyone's like us.

I was like, oh, sorry, it was Christmas Eve. Oh, did you put it out or did you take a hit? We finished it. Oh, you wouldn't get it out. I'm not going to put it out. Yeah. And all those guys that was like, it was like, he took me to, I think we talked about that in San Francisco.

I did a corporate show for him and he goes, I know you like to pay for, and I go, I love it. I have money. Pay for what? In Korea, in Korea, the Korean slang, juke juke is sex. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.

So if you go to Korea and you go to anybody, they'll go, they'll point to a building. Really? Yeah. Yeah. And you go in the building and you juke juke. You just juke juke it out? Yeah. And you know why they say juke juke?

No. I'm going to tell you why. Because when I was in Thailand, I was shooting a movie there and it was made from a Korean company, CJ Entertainment. And they're not going to hire me again, so I'm going to give up. I'm going to help them. Right. And so there was a couple of executives, like I had a couple of days off and I didn't

know what to do in Thailand. I was just sitting. So I sat one day, I just, I want to sit in the lobby all day. So I just sat in the lobby all day. Right? Good stuff. I was drinking like Thai coffee, singing a lobby. And two executives walked by and they go, oh, you go, Bobby, I go, oh, hi.

And they go, Bobby, you go more, you go more, you go more, you go more, what are you doing right now? And I go, do you speak? Do you speak? I can understand it. Okay. And I go, I don't know. I just sitting here.

Yeah. And they, one of them looked and goes juke juke. I go, okay. And so I knew what it meant. So we're in a cab going to a brothel and in English, I said, what does even juke juke mean? Oh, that's what it sounded like when you have a sex. I go, if I heard that during sex, I would stop.

If you're fucking a girl and you're right, you would go, I'm done. I'm going to back away and see what the fuck the problem is. You've heard of juke juke in bed. Nope. I've never heard. I don't understand why they would say that. I can say that, but it's odd that they would call it that. That is like, if you don't want juke juke, you can get...

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or, ow, that's the wrong hole. What's that?

That's a B-C-ality. It's fucking one of these songs. Yeah. Yeah. So then that's how I knew what juke juke is. What was the movie? It was called Final Recipe Nobody Wants to... He was a chef.

I was a chef in it. Final Recipe. Yeah. Yeah. I would do it. I had to play like a professional chef on LA. Did you have to learn to like act? Two months of classes.

Oh. Of culinary classes? Yeah. It's amazing. I did not carry over into real life, let me tell you. Obviously. He's just on my show and eating cut shit. Yeah.

I didn't do anything. And one day a producer, and this is what happens in every movie that I have to have a skill and they give me a teacher at the end of the day, the producers always go, we got to stand in. Really? Yeah. Because I can't... Like I did a break dancing movie.

I couldn't break dance. And I did three months of classes. Three months. And they're like, there's nothing that you can do to convince anybody that you can dance. So they got me... I was in Canada and they got... The only... They got me a woman.

A Filipino chick. Because she was the only one with my body. So if you see kicking in old school, all the cutaway shots... Kicking in old school. Yeah, yeah. With a break dancing movie. I saw that. That was where Jamie Kennedy...

Yeah, me and Jamie Kennedy were in it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did a break dancing movie. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah, yeah. So... Oh, I totally forgot about that. But Al, back to Al Magigal, Al knew that I did that.

And so he... And he had kids and a wife at the time. They were young. Still has a wife at the time. I know. But he's like... He brought me to this brothel because he knew, right, that I liked it. Yeah.

And he waited outside. I did my business and he brought me back to the hotel. I mean, he's one of just a class act. That's a class act. A guy that can have a family, right, because you just saw the fucking... The dinner. The dinner that I had. The dinner that I had, right?

Wait outside. Hot bread. Hot bread. Hot salad. Hot salad, right? The thing on the bottom. The plate. Yeah, whatever.

The tablecloth. And for him to be able to walk me to a brothel as like a cool gentleman. Yeah. And then bring me home is fucking amazing. It's a amazing guy right there. He's an amazing guy. Let's see how cold this is. That's how you know you don't have a...

You're not an alcoholic is because you care about the temperature and the taste. I feel like every other alcoholic just drinks to consume large amounts and they don't care what the fuck it is or what it tastes like. Yeah. And I know some alcoholics. I'm not going to name anybody. I'm not even going to loo to anybody. But there's some dangers out there.

You know, there are some couple of guys out there that have to stop. But it's so hard to... What do you say? I wish, you know... What do you say? I wish there was a... I'll tell you from my perspective, I mean, I've talked... I haven't really talked about this totally, but I think everyone knows it.

But like I did Rogan's podcast and we were talking about how much we drank and they were asking me, Ari and Tom and Joe were asking me and they asked me how much I drank on a daily basis and at the time it was a high number and I remember not wanting to say the real number. But I don't know how to represent myself in that way. Like only because... Well, that's interesting. I've just been honest.

Yeah. I know they're my friends and I know that they care about me and I know that... And I know that people listen... I know that that's the thing about podcasting is you want honesty. That chick-chick story is like that's honesty, you know, like... And I told them and in a second I told them, I was like, I regret this immediately. And then, yeah, I woke up the next morning going like, I fucked up my career, like no one will ever be able to come watch me because they'll think that it's sad that I drink and

it'll be... No, no. And then we did that sober October Burt thing and it was awesome, it was really great and it kind of restructured the way I drank a little bit. And I mean, I still have my nights where I go off the fucking rails, but for the most part, I remember saying out loud to people because I was drinking a ridiculous amount at the time, but not bad, not like violent, not angry, just drinking and going to sleep. I remember saying to people going, if you have a friend who you think drinks too much,

make it into a challenge that changes their lives. Like say we're all not going to drink for October or we're all not going to drink for November, we're all going to do it. No drugs, find your weaknesses, we're not going to do it, and make it fun and don't make it blamey and don't make it like accusatory, like an intervention. Make it enjoyable because those three guys literally probably changed my life for the better in that I didn't drink all of October, I did high yoga and I did high yoga 15 times. But I feel like a real alcoholic though, wouldn't be able to do it.

I agree. I agree. Because the people that are in that challenge, right, who's in that challenge? Me, Tom, Ari, and Joe. Tom who? Segura. Okay. Ari Shafir?

Yep. Joe Rogan, correct? Yeah. None of you guys are drug addicts. Well, yeah, but Joe is smoking weed. I know, but he is not one. No, but I know, but even I think I'm not to speak for Joe, I would do that, but Joe said that it was really interesting to not smoke weed for a month.

Because what happens is you get into a, you get into a rhythm in life. For me, my rhythm was I have a hard time going to sleep. So for me, a couple of drinks puts me to sleep. I don't sleep great, but that whole month taught me that I can totally go to sleep without drinking. I do not need to drink to go to sleep. I'm a grownup. I can definitely, I'm not going to have nine mirrors, I'm not going to be, I don't need

to have a Xanax. I can totally sleep without drinking. Wow. So for a whole month, I didn't drink, I didn't, I barely drank coffee. I barely drank coffee. Wow. Like it was really enjoyable. I didn't lose any weight.

Like it wasn't like a game changer, but I think that's the approach. If you have a friend who drinks too much and you're worried about them, try the angle of like, Hey, we're all in this together. Let's make this a month long challenge. Cause for me, and I was definitely drinking a lot way too much then. I, I enjoyed that month a lot. And I, I crept over into February, into March, March, practically, like where I just went, I'm home.

I'm not drinking. Like I'm going to be home. I want to be with the girls. I want to just be home. And I didn't drink for four weeks in the, all of March. And so I don't know, that's the way I look at it, where I think people look at too much of a pointy finger thing, but I don't know that solidarity, I think is the proper kind of support.

It was like, yeah, it was legit support. Like it was legit fun support. Like I'd run into those guys at the store and, and they'd be like, uh, you look good. Yeah. It was fun. We go to hot yoga together. The four of us. And we just bust balls and laugh hysterically.

And then you'd go home and you wouldn't want to drink. You would never want to go get drunk after you just hang out with your friends for two hours. So I don't know. I don't know anything about recovery or anything. So that's my two cents. Well, you don't need to know. And I want to say this about you also as well, if I may, that I believe that human beings,

there are 20 prototypes, males, 20, they're female, 20 female prototypes, 20 males. What I'm saying is, is that, is that if we were androids, if we were, let's say we were an Android company, we made androids, right? Like a working class. 20 models. We have 20 models. I like this. Now you can manipulate the, each model, right?

The way you want. You want one model a little fatter, a little shorter, but generally the type, I feel like you and I are the same model. I agree with that. Thank you. Dude, can I tell you when I agree with that the most when the, I hope you're cool talking about this, but when the Carlos Mancia video came out, and the next day you gave the talk holding a cigarette, I was like, I'm that guy.

Can I just say this? Man, I've never identified anyone more. I can't believe you just said that video. The thing you did, the way you talked about it, the way you expressed regret, it was such in the vein that I lived my life where I went, oh my God, dude, I, can I tell you, I've pictured where you were in life. Meaning like location. I was like, oh, he's in Los Feliz.

He's going, he's out by his back step. The garbage is right by that door. Like I visualized that place. Oh my God. I'm so glad you brought that up. Because that video plagued me. For real? Yeah.

Because this is how that happened. So Joe puts out that montage video of Mencia stealing and whatnot. And I was in the video. I visualized. I visualized how it happened to you. Can I, can I tell you what I thought happened first? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to tell you.

Okay. I thought you walked up to the store. What's going on? Yeah. Someone's like, Bob, you got a cigarette? You're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to smoke one too. And you lit a cigarette.

And someone's like, and then, then everyone starts walking out and you're sitting there by the wall and they're like, Bob, what do you think about Carlos Mestillian? And you just jokingly went, you mean Ned? Not knowing what had happened? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, and then just walked away and then all of a sudden the video comes out and Carlos called you and was like, bro, what the fuck? Oh, he stills, of course.

Very similar to that. I envision that so much because I was like, his whole life was considered final funny. Because you were a little bit of the, you were a little bit of the nail in the coffin in the, in the storytelling. You and Renna C.C. You and Renna C.C. We're a little bit of like the, the, this is, oh my God. So wait, tell me how it really happened.

So this is what happened, okay? So I'm at the comedy store and Brian Redban at the time wasn't read, Brian Redban of today. Brian Redban was Joe Rogan's guy, his video, autographer, his podcast guy, everything. And Brian Redban would always have a camera just on, right? And so I'm walking at night, like I always do. And somebody asked me, what about Mencia Stealing? I don't see the camera. Was this the same night that this whole thing went down?

No, it was, it was a, it was a collage of a bunch of different nights. Oh, so it was a different night. Right. So he got, and I said, I didn't know there was a camera there and he, and they said, but Mencia Stealing, yeah, he steals or whatever, you know, then I noticed the thing and then I go to Brian, I go, don't put that out there. And Brian goes, no, I mean, Joe makes the final decision, but we're probably not the extended, it's, it is, right?

So here's the fucked part. By the way, you got to give a shout out to Brian Redban for shooting content a week earlier, then shooting this and then realizing, I got Bobby Lee saying that he steals. That's a good producer's mind. Like, that's a really great, like, that's Brian Redban's, like, gangsta. He should, I wish he just started a production company where he made vlogs for comics, because he's so good at, he's so good in so many many, like he's great at comedy, but his, his artistic arm is really in, in branding, in like making content.

He's so talented. He could have had an empire though. I mean, he could have. He started about that. He could have been, like, all things comedy. I think you're right. You guys, what you guys are doing with us also, we're involved, is that you guys are creating a company that can last and that can eventually produce things and get into

the mainstream. Well, we need, we need one of us to. I don't want to lose train of this story. We need one of us who's big to decide not to go on Netflix and release their special on all things comedies platform and that will not happen. I won't do it. I definitely won't do it. Yeah, I'm not the one.

Yeah, I'm not the one. I'm already. If all of you guys did it, you, Bill Burr, Ari, you know, Tom, maybe, yeah, I've never done a special. I would do it on that. How come you aren't doing specials? I just, we'll talk about that anyway, so anyway, let's go back to the thing. So that video comes out now.

I can do one or two things called Mencia and apologize profusely or avoid them, right? And I couldn't do the second option because mad TV was attached to the mind of Mencia. We shared the same studio really on the Hollywood center studios. So you there, the, you know, stage, whatever are connected, right? So I'm sitting in my dressing room and I get a knock on the door. Oh, wait, you shot that at Hollywood center studios. Of course you did. Yes.

Of course you did. Yeah. And it was my first TV show shot there. Yeah. Of course you did. Now you can see the steps. And I see the steps in the back wall and the railing. Yeah.

Yeah. Of course you did. Yeah. And then it wasn't Ned. It was his cousins and his brothers. Hey, bro, the video is out, bro. I go, yeah, yeah, I didn't do it. You know, I'm a coward.

I'm a coward, right? It wasn't me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, I said not to put it on and then they put it out. Right. Like in that way. Well, you got to do a rebuttal, bro. I go, but I don't want to.

You have to do Ned wants it. So Carlos comes, they put me on those stairs. Did you call him? Did you talk to him? Did you call him Carlos or Ned? In life? Ned. In life?

Oh, yeah, always. Really? Yeah, yeah. He started. He discovered me. Really? Yeah. Mencia was, without Mencia, I would have an agent or anything.

I opened for him for seven years. So funny. I just met him at Ralphie's Memorial. Oh, wow. We had, through Cowhead, we had talked, me and Cowhead was like, oh, he might come to the show and I was like, oh, cool, I don't have any problem with him. Yeah. I mean, I've never had any beef with him.

I mean, obviously I know the backstory of him, but like, I don't, I don't, I've never experienced it first time. It's a complex story, but my experiences with Ned were of a boss employee. And when I was in 1997, when I didn't have a car, he goes, bro, come to my house, I have a present for you. He bought me a car. I mean, that's the kind of relationship I had with him. So it took you home with him to Honduras?

Yeah. He took me to Honduras to visit his, where his homeland is and his family. Yeah. And I lived in the village for a month. So my ties with him were really deep. Oh, wow. And so when that video came out, it was hurtful to me because I feel like I betrayed a friend. But what I said was that true?

Yes. Yeah. So now I'm caught in a thing. Oh, dude. You're explaining, you're explaining me and the J-Moroccan. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So then he goes, come on, do a video. And I was like, I have to. So that's why when you see it, I'm like, you know, it was offensive and whatnot. But when that came out, if you read the comments when they came out, I saw them. It was brutal. Yeah, I know. I saw them. Yeah.

So I definitely, you think I was a young guy? Yeah. Yeah. You don't think I came out? Like you're done in comedy. You rat. You piece of shit. I mean, it went, I mean, not just five or 10, I'm talking thousands.

There's a weird thing, but in between having a loyalty for somebody and then having a loyalty to yourself, like, like what I, like my words, what I say is true versus like a lie for this person. Right. And that fucked me up bad. With Jay. I was like, I was like, I wanted, I was, I was taught, I was, by the way, I was taught to protect him.

Yeah. Like I was made sure, like working for somebody when you're their employee and that's, it's very clear what that is. Yeah. There's no, like for all of you that don't understand, like there are guys like, like, and I'll say Joe is like, Ari was always his friend and worked with him. Tom's his friend and worked with him. Joe's his friend and worked with him.

If you work with Joe, Tony, if you work with Joe, you work with Joe. Yeah. You got to eat. Like, I will say this, I, very candidly, Jay made it very clear to me one time that I worked for him, that I was his employee and then, then there becomes this like weird fucking loyalty where you're like, I don't want to fuck up the boss's job because that's my job. Like it's not like we're buddies because it's also, we were buddies.

We were buddies. Joe business is intertwined in it, so you're dealing with now dreams are in the fabric of the relationship. Well, it's good for the company. It's good for me. Yes. And so, and, and then you, you do get lost in that. The one, I got to tell you about it.

The one thing. It's ambiguous what you're saying. I don't want to know what it was. No, no, no. I'll talk really clearly about it. I don't, I have no problem sharing everything. Okay. So, when I watched your video with the Carlos thing, I then, I identified with you because

Jay was telling a story that happened to me. You know about this, right? No. Tracy Morgan story? No. It's a great story. Tell me. I'm not going to tell you the story, but I'm not going to do a bit, but he was telling

a story that happened to me and he was telling it as if it happened to himself. And so, I, I found out about this. He told her on opiate Anthony. He told it for the first time on opiate Anthony was the first time I heard him say this happened to me. It killed me. It really killed me. By the way, I don't mean anything negative about Jay.

I'm just telling you stuff that happened. Jay's come a very far away in his life from this moment I'm talking about right now and I'm a very far away away from this. I'm not slandering Jay. I don't hope, I hope you don't see this. I'm just telling you two stories of two guys who were friends and worked with each other. Yeah. Just like you and Carlos.

Yes. And so, the first time I heard it, it broke my heart. That's, it didn't, it didn't, I wasn't angry. I wasn't mad. I didn't feel betrayed. It broke my heart. I was like, oh, why would he do that that way? And then, and then, and then it, it got bigger.

It got much bigger and it's kind of spiraled out and then I talked about it on Rogan's podcast. Very candidly like we're talking right now where you don't realize people are listening. I talked about Rogan's podcast and the same thing that happened to you with Carlos happened to me, but directly with Jay of like, I'm like, don't, like, why would you do that? Like it was, it was really like a bizarre fucking reality. Yeah. And I think Jay would admit this. It was a bizarre reality where like he was panicky.

He was losing his mind. I was, I was, I was doing what you did. We just were like, I'm being honest. Yeah. I don't know another way to be right now other than honest. And he, I, I, I can't say anything more of Jay's intent after that, he stopped being friends. Wow.

And, but at the same time, that boss employee friendship is just unhealthy. Yeah. It's almost the reason I never brought anyone on the road with me because I was like, I don't want that shit. Yeah. I don't want you to ever feel like I'm your paycheck. I've had managers say to me, Hey man, my kid's got to eat. You got to don't, don't do that.

And I'm like, what? And I fire him immediately. Wow. I can't have that. I don't want, whatever I do on stage to be what I do on stage, but man, when that stuff with me and Jay happened, I look back to that video you shot and the comments they left. I'm being dead serious, Bobby, and I hope this doesn't sound bad. It took years.

It took literally years for me to shake it. I remember how you smoked a cigarette. I can't believe it. I remember that. And when you brought it up like 20 minutes ago, it brought me back to it. Like, it just like, it rattled me into fucking consciousness. Because I knew, by the way, I apologize to both Jay and Carlos for this episode. That's the title.

I don't mean, I don't mean, I don't mean, I don't mean any hate on either of them. As a grown man, I realized that my words may affect the way people go to see their ticket sales. I don't want that for them. I hope that you just enjoy laughter and you go in, if that's your thing, enjoy their shit. But I remember watching you visibly shake with a cigarette and going like, he doesn't mean this.

This is that Stockholm syndrome. This is a hostage saying, they're treating me good, mom. I remember that so vividly. And I was, I'll just say, in a form of representation, I was asked to do what you did. And I chose against it because of your video, not because of not anything other than I was like, I don't, I know Bobby doesn't want to do this. Like, I fucking remember that so vividly, bro. But I would have never done it if they weren't at my doorstep.

They were the six guys, bigger Hispanic guys, visibly kind of aggressively angry. Like they felt betrayal because I'm like, it's very Shakespearean. I stabbed, you know, my master behind the back under, by the way, let's, let's, let's, let's ballpark this from the other side. Yeah. Understandable to an extent because yeah, I remember I got into therapy right after the J and me shit went down. I biggest mistake I ever did was telling Joey Diaz, I was in therapy and he was like, dog,

fuck that shit. You meet me every morning for eight AM coffee and me and Joey had an eight AM coffee for a month. One month every day and he go, talk, say everything you need to fucking say. And I would dump on him, dump on him and then Joe would come back and be like, here's the problem, cocksucker, you know, like, but, but, uh, but I, I know that feeling. I know that feeling of like going, did I betray my master? Yes.

I was being real. I was being honest and I was being real. And how far away from who I am have I gotten that I can no longer be honest and I have to be, and I have to make sure of what I say is brand friendly. Yeah. By the way, I felt that on networks. I felt that on travel channel where I was like, Oh, I can't, I can't, dude, for the, for seven years, I'd never smoked weed on Rogan with the camera on me.

I would go, Hey, turn it and hit weed when the camera was off me and then pass it. I'd pass the fucking weed coming out and I remember Rogan going, you need to get rid of that fucking, that bitch on your shoulder because that's not who you are. Yeah. And I was like, I was like, well, it pays bills, it pays bills. You know, it's, yeah, wow. We learned a lot today. I think we did.

By the way, this is the one that all comics will listen to. Yeah. Cause we just talked, we legit talked shit. We didn't talk shit. No, I don't think we did. No, I don't think we did. Educational. No, I 100%, I don't think we did.

I think we're good. Yeah. I think number one, we're good. You know, I, because I've been in a lot of heat for saying shit on shit, you know, and so I try to edit. You talk out of your ass. I do. I talk out of my ass too.

I mean, we have to edit half of these things. I don't, I don't censor you in any way. I just make sure that you still have a network job. Yeah. Oh, we're good for that. Yeah. Except for the month stuff. I'll never get a network job.

Yeah, you will. I can beat any Asians in a foot race today. Yeah. In the hand market. Oh, okay. But you know, it's, it's, Bert, I just want to say this is that, you know, before, you know, I'll be honest with you, before, you know, I did your cook show, we didn't really talk a lot.

We didn't have really a relationship and I've always wanted to, I always, whenever I saw your work or, or I saw you around and went, you know, that's the kind of guy that I think that I could be friends with. And I'm just really glad that you came over. I really got to know you more. You're a good guy. And I just think that you're a heavyweight. And I think that there's going to be a lot coming from you and you're, you're, you, I'm

being real. You're, you're one of those guys. And I'm serious about being your swimmer on the triathlon. She's, she's, she's amazing. If we leave with anything, swimmer, runner, biker. I was on the Philippine national team and I also swam division one. I'm in. I ran a marathon with no training.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how to run a bike. But you know who I talked to about this was Nick Youssef because we had talked about doing the Nautica one because he cycles. Hold on, the, the, the reason here's, can I tell you, this is how I, I've based my whole career right now is have fun, live your life.

If you're going to document it on social media, do it and let people enjoy just your assininess of being a comic through that. So like I did the weight loss challenge with Tommy, I did the sober October. I ran the marathon. What we have to do, all things comedy, video makes a series out of the three of us training for a triathlon, swimmer, runner, biker. Okay. I have a handicap.

I have a heart condition so it makes it more dramatic. This is good. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right, we'll do it.

Come on. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. Dude, this will be, this will be huge. It's a, it's, it's just like real sports, right?

Yeah. We got Bill Burr to commentate it and it, and we watch us train. All they got to do is like sit with us for an hour and they watch us. I'm so competitive. Look at the sweating on my hands. I'm ready. Oh my gosh. Yeah.

Because I'm sinking. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to train tomorrow. I'm ready. Oh, I'm ready. I'm totally ready. Are you ready? Are you ready to see? Hey, get us a, get us a distances real quick.

I think this swim is only a mile and a half. I can do it. I can do, what's the run? What's the run? 10K I think. Oh, 10K. I can smoke that. He did 20 without training.

Yeah. I could smoke 10K. Okay. Okay. Easy. Easy. The way we end our podcast, we do something called, um, unhelpful advice. So we have an email, somebody has a problem.

You can be positive, negative, whatever you want to say. Okay. And then, so go ahead. Unhelpful advice with Bobby Kalayla at Birdcrusher. Hi, Tiger Belly. I'm a recent discoverer of your podcast and have, uh, over the past three months caught up in almost half your episodes. I love your podcast and it brought me to tears of laughter many times.

I'm a white male. I grew up in Sweden and moved to U.S. when I was 20 years old. In Europe, we'd use words like N word, fly all over the place and it's not as controversial or personal over here. What do you mean N word? Yeah, I don't know. Uh, N-I-G. And then he put a something symbol and an A. Oh, that's not even a hard R, just soft

A. Yeah. Okay. I'm a huge fan. Totally acceptable. Sweet. I'm a huge fan. Where they're not.

I'm a huge fan of hip hop and I would throw it all over the place until I moved, until I moved here in the States and, uh, people, especially black people told me it was not cool. Especially. That's weird. Shut up. And all the people is the black people. Well, they must have a problem with that word.

I'm a man of respect and I stopped using it. So at the time I had friends from Texas use both, using both beater and chink and I thought it was okay because I found those words funny. But I later, but I later realized it was not cool and luckily I didn't get beat up for it. Now fast forward seven years. I'm hanging out with a beater and a chink and fast forward like he's got like I'm missing a broken arm.

For seven years, uh, going through the current political climate and discussion is more heated than ever. We are seeing consequences when people use the N word and, uh, and streamers whose audience in teenagers lose millions of fans just overnight. I married a Filipino husband four years ago and I guess, or it's a gay, he's a gay, he's a gay sweet. Oh, we're all good. I married my Filipino husband four years ago and during dinner, I said, hello, my gook.

I was thinking I want to marry her. I was thinking about your podcast. I was thinking about your podcast. He stared at me and said, don't say that. That's not okay. And you'll get beat up. I said, sorry, why? What's so bad?

Googly googly. He laughed and then said, it's racist and very disrespectful towards me and especially Vietnamese people. That's why Americans called them. That's what Americans called them during the Vietnam war. Then we got into this whole conversation about that. So my question to you guys is, what is your context of this? What is it okay to say?

Should it not be said? Just for right now, just shut up. Stop it. Stop. Is it only for Asians to say? Just for right now, right? Just white people, just don't say those things for right now. The climate might change.

Wait five months. Yeah. Wait a year. Maybe in five years, it'll settle down. I'll tell you, my perspective as a white person, I don't say. I don't say any of those words. I said midget tonight, but I don't say it. Like I said, it's comics talking and it's a podcast a little bit like we're fucking

around. But I don't say them. Only reason I told my daughters about this, it gets comfortable in your mouth. So then one night you say it at a bar and it slides out and you don't realize you said it. And look, if it makes someone feel like shit, don't make anyone feel like shit. That's it. I don't.

I don't care about your struggle. I don't care about your parents' struggle. I just don't want you to feel like shit. Like I don't like that's in the moment. I don't want anyone to feel like shit. But I do love this person to tab it. How beautiful would it be to be with them their first day in America when they don't realize this is racist?

Look at all these, no way. Like my family just arrived from the Philippines last week and they don't use the N word, but how in their way of saying a black person, they use the term Negro, which sounds like Negro, which could be, you know, but they're not saying it other than like, oh, that's a black person. That's how you say it in my language. And they were, you know, obviously it's a culture shock coming from a small town in the Philippines here.

It's like so diverse. So they're like, oh, and she was saying it like complimentary. We were at the Clipper game. Oh my God. And she's like a basketball game. Oh my God. Yeah, she was saying the Andre Jordan was really handsome. But the word Negro just echoes through the house.

It's a machine gun. And oh my God, like I just like, I was, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sounds like an opera. I have, I have Asian friends who have nicknames for black people. Yeah. I won't, I won't, I won't out any one. I guess I already did kind of listen to the podcast, but they have nicknames for black people.

So when they say them, they say the nickname and I don't like the nickname because I feel like people will catch on to it. What is it? Is it, are they Vietnamese? Yeah. Did they say Mi Deng? No. Oh.

Seedoms. Seedoms. Seedoms. Oh. I still don't get it. Yeah. But I, I said, I think that's one of the things that's like, that's when you know progress is happening is when you don't want to hear the nickname, the, the not even racist nickname,

but the word for the people. Like when I was growing up in Florida, they called black people Canadians. And so they'd be like, there are a lot of Canadians, there's like a hockey match going on here. Oh. And so when you, when you turn the corner, you're like, amen, don't let, let, can you not say that? Cause I don't, I don't see that the way you see that.

Yeah. Like, can you not? Yeah. But uh. Anyway, sweetest guy. Yeah. Sweetest guy. Good luck.

Good luck. Yeah. Good luck with everything. And um. Don't say gook. Yeah. Don't say gook or an N word or anything like that. We, you know, we.

Or do it, but just do it when you're singing. We only, we usually, our podcast is only an hour long and we've did a long couple hours. A romcom. Yeah. 90 minutes. Yeah. But I, but I, I knew this was going to happen. Like I do, I have such a connection with you when I first met you, I, I knew that you,

you disconnect when you meet people the way I do. Yeah. And then everyone. No, but I'm going to say this though. And I, and I don't give a fuck what you say right now. This is the real is, is that from now on, this is different when, no, what I'm saying is when I see you, it's not going to be, Oh, there's burnt. I have to be nice to him because he's the shit.

No, I'm with all things comedy or whatever. Yeah. Now it's like Bert. He's my friend. No, no, I, I, yeah, I feel like I, I felt like that when I came here tonight and then after we did the cooking. Yeah. That was the beginning of the foundation.

You were, you were so fucking fun. It was fun. And we'll, you know, thanks for having me on, but I just want to say that you want anything to promote or anything? Uh, no, I'm on tour. All right. I'm on tour. Check out my podcast.

Birdcast. I'm on tour. He is the shit guys and, um, we're just very lucky to have him and that was a great podcast. So give him a round of applause. Everybody. Thank you so much. We'll be right back with some house keeping and we are back. That is a nice man.

I love Bert. What's up? He's going to be my teammate. He, I know you guys. Oh yeah. I want to make that happen. He's my teammate. You guys can get like, uh, officially like tiger belly, like, you know, like fighter jackets

now like, no, he's got to be all things comedy. And then like, I'm specifically tiger belly. Oh yeah. Birdcast. Ah. You know what I mean? I see. I see.

Like we're under the same umbrella. So we can have, you know how like some sponsors are bigger on your shirt and some are smaller. And then you can also have, um, what do you, uh, harvest coconut? Harvest coconut. But then I also have them to contact like Speedo and just be like, look, I'm legit. Can you sponsor me again? I've been out of the water for 15 years, but can you have a heart condition? I have a heart condition.

I might die wearing your logo. I was bold. I honestly, I cannot, I cannot promise that whole like, oh, I'll finish in the top 25. That's me thinking that I'm still in the same body that I was in at 21. You'll be fine. These are not professionals. Some will be, right? Oh no.

Are you kidding me? Those guys train not only do they train in the pool, they train open water every day. I don't. I go randomly dive here and there, but you will, I will, and I'm going to do it, but I'm just saying that, that whole promise of being in top 25 was just me talking out of my ass because my, I'm 33. My bones are not 21 years old. Well, Kalala is trying to say is she's going to finish top 15.

That's exactly what I'm saying. It's actually much better than top 15. In fact, if I don't, I feel like I should receive some type. I feel like you should hold me accountable in some way. Some kind of punishment. Yeah. Punish me. Okay.

Hold on one second. We got to get the details of this whole triathlon thing down eventually, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to talk about it. Okay. Good. Because I want, I, you know, I want there to be a whole like, um, video of Bobby training

and learning how to, he thinks he's probably going to ride a mountain bike and that's not like finding like which bike is appropriate for him, how to change your tire and you have to learn how to change your tire. By the way, I have one friend who never learned how to ride a bicycle. He knows how to ride a bicycle. Okay. You're trying to say that all Koreans don't know how to ride bicycles. Is that your logic?

Maybe. I was just, it was a question. It wasn't a saying. It was a question. I'm pretty sure Koreans generally know how to ride bikes, George. That's the only person I've ever met who didn't know how to ride a bicycle. Ah. Strange.

I guess. Yeah. Uh, well, anything else guys? Oh yeah. And if, uh... Oh, I want to say something. Sorry. Sorry, George.

You first. You first. If you haven't yet, please. But I want to say something. No. Gilbert. Oh, look, a review on iTunes, guys. Uh, I'll let you read the name of that one.

Love? Oh, no, I'm sorry. She can't read. Boy. Well, I wasn't going to let you read the name on the top. Oh, oh. This one is submitted by Beanertastic. Oh.

Uh, Beanertastic. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because you're white? Love this podcast. I love Bobby since I was four. And he basically taught me English. That's bad. Hope I can see him when he comes back to Houston now that I'm 19.

Uh, anybody else want to read any other, uh, of the reviews, guys? I, I want to say happy birthday to, I want to say happy, someone wrote us and they said their best friend is a big fan of the podcast and, and I want to do, uh, on their behalf, say happy birthday to Joop, Joop. I think that's how they say it. Joop, Joop. It's not Choop, Choop. It's Joop, Joop.

So happy birthday, Joop, Joop. Happy birthday from Tiger Belly. George will send you stickers. Contact him. Say it with every time you faster. Yeah. So just hit up George. Anyone, anyone who has a birthday, just contact George, blow him up.

You better have a name, Joop, Joop on Instagram or else no stickers are coming your way. I think it's Joop, Joop, right? Hold on. Hold on. Huh? And we have, uh, while you're doing that, we have another, um, uh, iTunes, uh, comment, uh, review, or review. Sorry.

Five, another five star review on iTunes. Five star review. We don't read them if they're four stars or below. So keep that in mind. We don't get any of those. So no worries. We only get five stars. This one is entitled, uh, Love, and this is by boy13333.

These guys feel like family. Super cool podcast. I loved Bobby Lee on Matt TV and it's awesome hearing him about his daily grind nowadays. LOL. Gilbert cracks me up with his voices. Kalilah's Thailand stories are awesome. I have Thailand stories. I think he's confusing with Bobby.

Oh, he probably thought you were the hooker in Thailand that Bobby met. Oh, also, why are we tooting our own horn right now? Because pink dick is an awesome dude for helping this podcast continue to grow and happen. It feels so uncomfortable. Like, oh, hey guys. Shout out to Justine for actually signing her name for hers, uh, at least to who, uh, there was one sign, Justine.

Oh, justine Castro. I know her. I'll read this one, uh, because your name isn't necessarily you, uh, Joodles. My boyfriend introduced me to this podcast, podcast, a while back and I'm in love. They are real, smart and funny, keeps my long hours of work short, listened and re-listened to this podcast to the point where I dreamed about hanging out with them. Never gets old. Love y'all.

Keep up the good work. Hashtag this podcast is lit. Your fellow good mong listener, Justina. Was this review helpful? Oh, Justina. Yes, it was. Okay. That says Jupejupe, right?

Yep. Uh, from Angela Chen, right? That, uh, that is correct. That is Jupejupe. What a great friend you have, Jupejupe. Your friend wrote us and, and, and, and on your behalf, I mean, I hope your name's Jupejupe in real life. That would be amazing.

That would be dope. I feel like the only a Filipino would name your kid Jupejupe. Yeah. Like a little queen. Anything double, anything double, you know? Yeah. Um, that's our show guys. Thank you for listening.

Leave a five star review to be a part of the show. Bye. Bye. Hey, Prime members. You can listen to Tiger barely ad free on Amazon music, download the Amazon music app today, or you can listen ad free with one Dree plus in Apple podcasts before you go. Tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at one Dree.com slash survey.