TigerBelly - Episode 172: Christina Pazsitzky & The HOV Gooch

Episode Date: December 12, 2018

Bobo frolicks with lollipops. Christina crushes on the Filipino James Dean. We talk foreskin regrowth, Rudy, dilithium crystals, and a battle royale. Bonus content every Monday:https://www.patreon.com/TigerBellySupport us by supporting our sponsors! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. Music How handsome are you? Gross! You're going to get to that too. Oh my god! I can't count man. Count man. Five, four, four, three.

Just do it faster. You said slower last time. Five, four, three, two, one. Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, here comes, here he is. Here comes Santa Claus, here comes, here he is. He is fan big and he loves you. In the Christmas time, in the chimney, he gives you a gift. Welcome to Santa Claus.

I don't even know when this comes out but I think it feels like it's coming out on Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, wrong Christmas. My dad used to sing me Christmas songs growing up but he never knew the words. How about this old classic from my dad? Frosty Hill Good Guy. Classic. Classic American. Or if you get the word sometimes you'll go jingle bell, jingle, I don't know.

Fell, you fucking, just said it. You said it, just repeat it. Welcome to another episode of The Glorious and sometimes, not so good, Tiger Ballet. True, but sometimes very good. It's a hit or miss. We have people in the room, people that I adore, people that I don't. People that I hate, not you, Christina, I love you. It has to do with a couple of these, maybe one Panface Gook in here.

We got one Panface Gook that is a little weird. And we got the worst of the Whites. Like just the Hills of Eyes Whites. Desert Whites. Whites that like, you know, you're driving in the desert with your family. You get a flat tire and all of a sudden you're in a cave. Right, you're tied up and there's these fuckers. Y'all need help with that tire.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They have a cousin, they have a cousin with them with like a leather mask on. Southern? What? Southern? I don't know what they are. Something. Something Midwest.

Midwest. Christina Pazitzki everybody. We have Christina Pazitzki and she... Thanks, bros. She is on a podcast, but I knew her before that I knew her husband, Tom Seguera. Seguera. Seguera. Seguera and Seguera and I knew her way before.

I think I knew her before now. Okay, true story. Yeah. I don't know if you probably don't remember. The very first time I ever did stand-up comedy, it was in the belly room. I was 26 years old. How many years goes out in 42? I don't know.

15, I don't know. I woke up that morning knowing I was going to do stand-up for the first time and I had diarrhea all day long and I was in the green room at the comedy store upstairs in the belly and I was taking shits, coming back, taking shits for the first time. And in between shitting, in walks Bobby Lee. Into the bathroom? No. Into the green room though.

I wish it. Maybe, I don't know. And I was like, oh, I know that guy, that guy's famous, right? And then you sit down next to me and I was so nervous and I was shaking and sweating and you just start talking to me like, hey, what's up? What are you doing? What's going on? And I was like, oh boy.

I was so nervous, I couldn't talk to you. Oh boy, really? And I was like, I have to shit. And I told you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you were cool. You were like, all right, see you later. Bye-bye.

And that was the first time I met you. Really? Did the diarrhea have to do with your nervousness? Yes. Like for the first six years of doing stand-up. Like every time? I was so skinny, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look back at my early footage. Wait a minute, did you get diarrhea whenever you're nervous in general? Yes. Wow. To this day, if I'm like taping a special or something, I will shit my brains out right before and then I know it's going to be a good show. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't care. Like now, I mean, you know, you probably have sleep until you go up on stage, right? Yeah. I slept until 1.30 today. How? What? If you hadn't come though, it'd be until 4.30. No, but I want to say one thing about you though, before we even get into whatever it

is. What were you doing last night? I saw you years ago, maybe five or six years ago at the ice house. You were in the annex. Yeah. And I was doing the other room and I walked into your room to watch him. And I literally, I thought, if Africa was with, I go, that could be one of the strongest comics.

Oh, stop it. Because you were doing, no, honest, I'm being honest with you. I said this to Eric Griffin last week. No, I didn't. I know. I'm just kidding. The opposite. I don't believe that.

The opposite. I don't believe it. So why would I say it? I can vouch for this. I was there. Oh, you're okay. I believe you. You said he was ugly though.

But no, I don't say that to other people. Number one. I appreciate it. And number two, I did say it to her when it was when we were dating. So it had to be less than five years ago then. And then I really do believe that. And also, here's another tidbit about you that I like, is that you've been known to fuck gooks.

Oh, no. No. Very specific. I know. Whenever a white chick. Not a gook. He was a gook. Oh, he was a gook.

Oh, let's be real. Let's be real. Yeah, let's get real. Yeah. Is it higher or lower? What do you mean? Like in that age and hierarchy? I don't know.

You would know this. I don't know the answer. See who's Chinese. Chinese. Yeah. He's a top top. Oh, no. He's a top top.

Oh, he's top top. Because Taiwan is a very, like, you know, very progressive. That's what I'm saying. So there's a difference between Taiwanese and mainland. Oh, huge. Huge. Really? Yeah.

It's gas. You know, they have gas. It's like Manhattan and these whites. Like Manhattan, they went to college, you know, and they grew around buildings. Right. There's a Starbucks down the street where they grew up. There's whites, just trees, just trees and just dirt. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck you. And there's no censorship in Taiwan. I love you. They're very progressive. More progressive than us. There's no censorship in Taiwan. And just so I get Asian banging points, it wasn't just I was banging this guy.

I lived with a Chinese guy. We were going to get married and make babies and stuff. That's incredible. So like, I'm down for the cause, bro. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? That's how low you were in your life. He was the best.

He really sweet guy. Not as sweet as my husband. Yeah. Yeah. What's his name again? No, I guess it. No. And weird.

He's a real person. No, actually, you know, he went on to become a very successful lawyer as I was starting to become a comedian. And so it was like, he was going to take me to his lawyer dinners and be like, Hey guys, I'm going to make fart sounds in my heart. Do you know what I mean? It wasn't a good, it wasn't a good match. Really?

Did you meet him when you were, how'd you meet him? College. Yeah. So he saw you during your MTV days. Yeah. Yeah. He knew me before and then after, cause I took a semester off to do that. And then I came back to school.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's a, there's another good thing I want to say about you. Okay. I'm not, I'm not comfortable with compliments. I don't do feelings very well. So if we could not. It's the first part.

Can we just, just do one more? Okay. And then I have two more actually. Oh God. Jesus. Yeah. I'm going to do it anyway. It's going to make me.

Um, the second thing I wanted to say about you is, is that, uh, well, the, the two things I wanted to say is that I, there's no, no, no, it has nothing to do with you. The first one. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Is that, um, Tom Segura, the best, not just the best. Um, he is one of the best people I've ever met.

I think, um, what he did for me the first time I met him, did you tell you what he did? Well, I know you shared a ride, but it's not just that. It's not just the ride is, is that we, I didn't know him that well. I knew of his name cause he was rising. Yes. Right. He was rising fast, not fast, but he deserves it. But.

And so I was like, Oh, this guy, he's, you know, he's, he's one of the top guys. And then, um, we did a lot, not a lot of, what was it called? Oddball. The oddball festival. Yeah. And I remember, um, my manager was like, yeah, you just, I went, I'm going to fly you coach. And I go, are you sure? It was a poor people.

Yeah. Yeah. No. I always fly coach, but I go, but will I, will I run into those other guys? Like, no. So when I went to the airport, but why did your manager fly it? What was the reasoning? Like not, not that that's such a bad thing.

Oh, I know. Oh. Oh. Cocaine. No. I was touching. Oh, boy. I was speaking to the, yeah.

Yeah. That's why. Yeah. You had to cut that out too. I'm so paranoid. I'm so. I'm so. Filipino James.

He's so. I know. We just stopped talking about him. All right. We're going to get to that in a second. Jesus. I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'd like to be a man and have that much power. Oh my God. Wow. You do. Fire. You really are. So ugly. I can't.

Wow. I like people. Okay. We'll get to that in a second. Okay. So you were sitting in the, in the back with the, with the trash. And, and Dane Cook, Sebastian and Tom had first class. So they enter the plane first.

And as I walk by them, it literally is like, you know, remember when Cersei was walking through that town? Shame. Shame. That's what it was. Y'all had bells. Shame. And I'm naked and I'm shaking my hair.

My hair is shaved. I'm walking by. And then, um, and then Tom kept coming back and throwing pillows at my face. That's my husband. Yeah. And, but like he, he made light of it and he made me feel a part of, and then apparently when we got to the Houston, I think we had to arrange on our own rides. And the thing is, is that I'm a part of a comedy festival.

You don't have a ride for me. Yeah. They should pick you up. So we didn't get one. And as I get off the plane, I realize, oh, shit, I need a ride. So I go out, I yell at my manager. I'm like, and then I turn my right and Tom's there. And he goes, I go, what are you doing?

You guys, I had, I had a feeling that you didn't set up a ride. Oh, that's so sweet. I go, I didn't. He goes, well, I'll give you a ride. And so his limo driver drove me to the hotel and that's really. That's a nice thing to do. Did you know, did you know that about him? I did know that.

He did that. And I remember him telling me, he goes, can you believe, what if Jupig? It's really offensive. It's really offensive. Sorry, H3 podcast. Whenever we say that H3 is what a great organization. I love them so much. He's the second thing I want to say about you.

The last compliment. Okay. And then we're going to rip you apart. Cool. The second thing. So muscular. Go ahead. These are these little lamb chops.

These old lamb chops. Fuck you. All right, lady. The second thing I want to say is, is that like. My teeth are very white. No, they are very white. But listen, this is, let's suppose this is you. Okay.

And it doesn't matter who it is. The size doesn't matter, but you and Theo Vaughn come from, from MTV, right? Yeah. Yeah. In the 90s. In the 90s. So you, you know, you guys, you're young people, attractive people, and you're on an MTV thing.

Usually when that occurs, it's over after. Yeah. Right? Yeah. You may, you know, I just saw a Jersey show reunion. Me too. I love that. I watched it.

I haven't watched a reunion yet, but I will. Yeah. Yeah. I've watched it so much. Yeah. They can't, they're not going to be able to shake. They're called lifers. We call them lifers.

The ones that go back and do the challenges and do hosting or whatever, which is fine. It's a gig to be on a show like that and to step out of it and to reinvent yourself. And then you come into a different scene, but legitimately like these two. I know. Are you friends with Theo? I know him. We're not bros. I met him a couple of times when we did the shows.

I've seen him. Well, aside from them, like I'm not going to bring about you then. Fuck him. Fuck Ratkin. But you, for you to do a show like that and to reinvent yourself to become a legitimate, like you literally are like, if you go up to anybody, I hate kissing your ass by fuck that. It's so embarrassing.

I don't, I don't know what to do with it. Well, just to sit there and you have to learn. Spin in your chair until it's over. Yeah. Just look at me. This is the last one. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. Make it quick, babe. No, I would. No, I would need to milk it to make her feel comfortable because of what she said about you. Fucking flat face. Fucking gross.

Great skin. Great skin. Oh my God. How old are you? You're in your twenties. Yeah. 29. So that's the magic age.

The turgor. Look at the turgor. The magic age of what? God. I'm uncomfortable. Fuck you, Gilbert. Kate Somerville. Thank you.

No. Okay, the last one. Just for you to come to. I appreciate you saying that. And that's two compliments. That's really nice. That's pretty much. Thank you.

All the compliments. I have more, but. Let's not do that. Can I tell you something else? It's actually stupidity on my part that I didn't utilize the, not the fame or whatever, the wave of that. Yeah. To become a standup.

Like I totally was such an idiot. I've gotten booked in clubs, being a feature act right away. I know. And I would have been bad in the long run, but I started from scratch and I probably should have been smarter. No, that's not the way you did it. I do everything the hard way. No, you do everything.

The right way. Everything the hard way. Because can I tell you why? Can I tell you why? Because. I'm the dumbest person. I wait. I just.

Anyways, go ahead. Yeah. You're so intense right now. But you have. You have two kids. I have two children. Right? I'm married with Tom.

I know. I've been to your house. Yes, you have. A beautiful house. Both of you have. Yeah. Don't say where I fucking live. Don't you dare.

Where the fire happened. Is that, that's pretty broad. It's close. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I wouldn't even, I don't even know exactly the town that you live in. So relax.

Yeah. Don't say it out. Don't say it. But here's some negative thing. Now it's some negative things. Okay. Let's go. I think you feel more comfortable with that.

With who? Yeah. I think. Yeah. You're nice. I just got these. Because. Look at this.

You don't know what you're looking at. Why? Do you guys say that he's not attractive? Look at those teeth. Perfect teeth. Flat face though. What are you talking about? Look, give her the profile.

I think you have a lot of riches. Give her the profile. Give her the profile. Look at that. And a line. No. Can I tell you something? This guy probably photographs amazing.

Amazing. Yeah. Did you also know about this guy in the last couple of years was only skinny now? Yeah. He's totally going to show you video. He's to be a dammit. Don't show the video. You were fat?

Not only. Yeah. He was. I was 225. Orbitally fat. Orbitally. To die. Yeah.

Too much lumpia. Oh. Oh. What other dishes do you throw out? This guy is a fat fuck. You're a fat fuck. What was your? Okay.

I've had Filipino breakfast with those little sausages. Longanisa. Oh, shit. Are they good? Oh, shit. With the egg and the rice. Yeah. Wow.

She knows about that. I like Asian flavors. Not circumcised. Really? Yeah. Weird for a Filipino. Because Filipinos are always cut. Christian.

Yeah. So why did your parents? My mom had a C-section, so I was rushed. Okay. That's not like she doesn't excuse the direction. They take the baby still out. The dick is still there to be cut. Oh.

I don't know. If I spent money to get you the operation, we know. No. It's not necessary anymore. I can't get it done now because it's so sensitive because it's been covered by a hood that when it's exposed, it's like. Yeah, but they can numb your dick. But it's just for aesthetic.

It would just be for aesthetics and that's unnecessary. If I pull my skin back and I wear pants and it rubs against the zipper or anything, I'm like crying. So it does hurt you. It is like. I can come in two seconds. Wow. Because, let me ask you that something.

You have more exterior, like stronger hide. Because of the fact that we chopped that little, the hood off. Yeah, the foreskin. Right. So if I would, if my little pee pee, right, was still in the little shell. It's not little. It's pretty little. Okay.

If my little pee pee was in the shell, right, that I would have a sense of the penis just like you. Yeah. Let's say pristine. Pristine. Right. Yeah. That's interesting.

Yeah. You can, you can pull your foreskin back. There are men that in San Francisco, I remember there's a movement of men who would, you pull the skin over the head of your dick. Is that what it is? Yeah. And then you can put clamps on there. That's beyond ducking.

I'm serious. What is that level? I can do that. I can do that. Explain that. You can pull the skin. You can kind of regrow it over the head of your penis. Yeah.

If you're circumcising, you want to regrow it. You can pull it. Oh, that's different. No, it's different. She's saying Bobby could do it. No, no, no. What we're thinking about is two guys putting their dicks on each other's foreskin. Yeah.

You're talking about actually growing your skin. Or pulling it and pulling it and then clamping it so that the skin goes over the head of your penis. I mean, I'm obviously. So it'll look like a tamale or something. Yeah. Well, you smile a little bit. He's going to try it.

He's going to try it. He's going to try it. There you go. It's so fatty here. We'll try it now. Now, do girls trip out on your penis when they see it? No. Oh my God, you're so fat.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Fat doing state farm commercials. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

So that's what I see when I look at them. I see. Oh my God. You're so cute. You're so cute though. What? How long ago was this? Probably four years ago.

Damn homie. Yeah. So what'd you do? Keto. Yeah. I do that shit too. Primal. Primal.

Is that heavy cream in there? No, I didn't do it today. Okay. Fuck the points. What's it? What's it you did? You eat all fat and meat and vegetables. No carbs.

No sugar. Are you baking the whole day? Yeah. And that works? I lose weight. Yes. Half of the weight lasts. Yeah.

But Gilbert has a very, very difficult relationship with food. Yeah. So I don't think it's as sustainable for you as it would for other people. I fluctuate. Because you do have like a massive sweet tooth. Yeah. And so you yo-yo, which is actually worse for you. It's bad.

Yeah. What are you? Sorry. Go please. What do you eat? What's your jam? Your sweet. Like right now?

Yeah. Just carbs. It's really just breads. Like I can't get away from rice or breads or pastries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you eat rice. I can't eat rice. You can't eat rice either.

Do you eat rice every day? No. You can't eat that shit when you're on a stomach. Oh yeah, that's right. I eat rice every day. Oh yeah, you do. I'm Asian. You do brown though.

You do brown though. You're very healthy. I eat white. I eat all colors. Yeah. I can't not eat rice. In fact, that might be, I could never do keto because of that. Yeah, but you know, if I did keto, which I used to do Atkins before, I was ripped, like

my muscles. I had vanity muscles. And now I'm slender, but you know, you can tell sort of that I still have the extra pudge ones in a while. No, you don't page. No, but you know, ripped. I used to be. I don't have that anymore.

Yeah. Your vag is nice. I'm a slit of a perfection. What is it? Okay. Let's talk about, do you really notice the differences of all the bags? Yeah. Like is that a big thing for dudes of that and I'm, I guess I'm shallow in that way.

I'm very shallow. What are you not like? What's an undesirable vagine? Um, well, first of all, it has to look like a vagina. Okay. Well, sometimes it looks like, like an IAD went off on it. That's what mine looks like right now. It does.

Two babies and two appeaseanomies. What's as appeaseanomies? They make a little cut so that the baby comes out a little easier. So have you, have you looked at your vagina in the mirror? Yeah. It's horrible. Like what is it? Just described to me verbally.

Just imagine. Or visually or visually, no, not as sexual. It's not sexual. Scientific. More scientific. Siancelert. Well, okay. So cause I cut, they cut it.

And so it's like, it makes like a big HOV lane, right? Yeah. And then, so like it's, it was stitched up so like it's healed, but the bottom part is a little more crooked. Do you know what I mean? Cause it was stitched and twice I've had that happen. Oh my God. But just the gooch, right?

Right. So yeah. People still use it. That's just a gooch. It's just that bottom bit. It's a crooked gooch. The rest looks like it did, like it always did. Yeah, right, right, right.

Yeah, but that's the actual, like, what he's referring to. So your vagina is fine. It's just that crooked gooch. Yeah. The meat, the meat is the same. The meat is the same. As long as the meat's the same.

Yeah. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. If I saw it in a photo, I didn't know it was yours. Yeah. Let's play this game. And I looked at it. Let's do this.

Yeah, yeah. Then you have, like, five photos and I go, I guess which one it is. Yeah, that'll be fun. And I pick it and you're like, no, that's a baby's, Bobby. That's a baby's vagina. Oh, fuck, that's what I assumed. Now, would you be able to pick?

Would that be, is that pedophilia, what I just said? No. I'm so paranoid. It's just fine. Stop saying it. No, because I liked it. I want to be able to do the podcast and say whatever I want.

Can't you? No. Why? Because if I said whatever I wanted, you couldn't air it. Have you watched your mom's house? I mean, what do you say? No. I mean, I want to say illegal things.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Things that are like, you know. Start another one. Start another one. Yeah. Well, Santino and I did one as an experiment six months ago. You could just come over.

We're going to do one that we're not going to air. And I just want to see what that's going to sound like. Yeah, and? My god. It's the best one we've ever done. It's the funniest one I've ever done, but it's unarable. Is it about what, Hitler, baby effing? Oh, I mean, yeah, we did.

I'm using every word. Every word. Let's do this podcast. This is going to be the best show. But how freeing would that be? But let's do a super, a super podcaster. So it's like Ethan and Hila. Yeah.

You, you. Rogan, Ari, Bert, Tom, and like a mega inappropriate. Roundtable. Roundtable. Wow. Except Bert would take over. You think Bert would? And dominate.

Well, no, we get him so drunk. Oh. He'll get to a point. You get him drunk enough, he'll just go inside himself. That's what we want. Shut him down. Shut down that personality. Well, we had Bert here and he just drank, remember?

Really? I mean, hey, but he doesn't, he brought his own liquor. Doesn't, you know. Alcoholic, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's because we didn't, we didn't even have ice for him. Because you do have ice in your house? Yeah, we don't even have it.

Do all households have ice? Yeah, in the fridge, in the freezer. OK, so we don't. Oh, yeah? Why? I didn't think it was weird until Bert came over and he's like, you guys don't have any fucking ice. I'm like, no, I never thought about it.

And then I realized that ice is a treat for me. Like, when I'm on a plane, I ask for crushed ice. And it makes, I sit there and so much joy just swirling around my eyes. We deprive ourselves of ice so that when we have it, we're grateful. And then I'm like, oh, I'm deprived. Yeah.

That's good. Humble yourself. It's a treat. When I go over to my sister's house, the first thing I do is I get the crushed ice machine, put a little pineapple juice, and they sit there. Guys. I get in joy.

You can get a maker, like an ice maker in your fridge. But have you seen a fridge? It's from the 70s. Oh, that's why you, that's why. What about a tray? I know it's to get you for Christmas. A nice cube tray. Are you high?

When I bought this Hacondo years ago, there was, it was a brand new, no one ever lived here. And then the guy was like, the realtor guy was like, you got to get a fridge. And I've never bought a fridge before. They went to wherever the fridges are sold. Fridge are us. I don't know what we're called.

I believe it. Yeah, I walked in there and this was the cheapest one. Because in my head, I'm like, I'm not ever going to have a girlfriend. I'm never going to have anyone live here. So I'll just get the, and I don't cook at home. So I just bought that piece of shit. And it's now I regret it, but we're

going to find a new place. Going to your house inspired us to really, we even looked in your area. Really? I would love to have you as neighbors. That would be so fun. Would we really believe that we would see each other? Yeah, if you lived close.

It's all about proximity, the older yet, especially when you have children. I just see whoever's closest. If you're going to come by, I'm not leaving my house. If we were like two blocks away, you would walk over? No, no, you would come. Why would we have to go with you? I have two tiny babies, I have a baby and a three-year-old.

So like, I ain't going nowhere. So if I knocked on the door and go, it's me, Bob. Come on in. I could come in. Of course. Wow. Of course. Would you just do like lurk around her head?

No, just sit there and do whatever they, lollipops or whatever babies do. You know what I mean? I'll eat lollipops. You having a lollipop? I want to, why not? Lollipops. What do babies do?

Frolick. Let's go to the backyard and frolic. And I would just, you know, prance around with the, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then go, all right, see you. What were you doing till, how late would you stay up last night? Four in the morning?

Yeah, I mean, a couple of things I was doing. I was checking my social media because in the show that I'm on, I'm on a show called Splitting Up Together. It's an ABC show. Oh my god. And one of the episodes that I was in last night was me and my wife's episode in the show. And I wanted to see what the comments were.

And the ratings went up a little bit, you know that? Yeah. A little bit. And that's huge. Yeah, but it's going to get canceled. I don't want it to be, but it's just, you know, unless they move it. Because we're going, this is us.

And they're crushing us. Oh yeah, that show. That show. Do you watch it? I tried on a TV. And then I was, some stuff bothered me. It me too. I could have died then.

I think I stopped after the fourth. I was like, enough. I mean, enough. Tears, tears. Like it's just not my, yeah. Too, too heavy. Yeah. But also, even when they're trying to like be sort of funny.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's like that schmaltzy kind. It's just no. So it's not a sitcom. No, it's a drama. It's a dramedy. No, it's a drama. Yeah, a strange drama.

It's supposed to just, you know, bring out the tears. Yeah. I don't like that. I don't like, don't make me cry. And I also don't want to watch hospital shows, like shows about medicine or die, like people dying or cancer. And I don't like serial killer stuff. You don't?

No. I don't want to see that shit, because I'm convinced, like, you know what I mean? No. If I watch it. Do you think there's a seed in you that might grow? No. Oh, OK.

That I'll attract it somehow. Like, just by that you'll attract it. Although you'll manifest it. Yeah. Yeah. Like, if I give this any energy, like, oh my god. Yeah. You think Roman Polanski's wife attracted Charles Manson?

I don't know. Don't, I just don't talk about it. You think she was sitting around going hippy. Don't talk about it. Yeah, yeah. So you do, let me ask you, let me get asked a couple of cool questions about serial killers. Yeah, no.

I know, I just, no, you're not going to manifest it. But what I'm saying is that, do you know who they are, though? Yeah. So if I say, if I say Richard Klikinski. Iceman. Do you know him? I know the first name. I don't know his moniker.

My husband watches all this shit as I'm falling asleep at night. So I hear all the murder. Ted Bundy. Yeah, of course. He was very attractive, too. Very attractive. Just like Gilbert, you're right.

Thank you, Chris. And educated, right? Yeah, and he represented himself in court. Wow. Wow. I remember knowing that. Well, it's so funny because the guy that I'm on the show with told me a story about Ted Bundy, of his dad.

What? Yeah, so, and he's told me the story twice, so I know it. Do you think I can tell it? Yeah, Ted Bundy is like the closest name. So Oliver's dad is Kurt Russell, his stepdad. His mom's Goldie Hawn. Oh, wow. Hey, they're surprisingly normal, yeah?

Like I feel like. I talked to Goldie Hawn on FaceTime, and she was like the kindest lady ever. I had to give the phone, because it was freaking me out. Yeah. But I'm like, oh, thank you. You're really funny on the show. And I give it back like that.

I'm in the same way, right? I can't meet. Yeah, I can't meet. Yeah, because I'm a dirty. I'm from the comedy store. Yeah, I feel the same way. To the bottom, right? And I dwell on the bottom.

Yeah, me, too. Even when big comics show up, I kind of just, like if Chris Rock and Bill Burr are talking in the parking lot, I kind of just, I'll back away and then go somewhere else. I know. Right? Like that's not a part of what I do. I know.

You know what's so interesting you say that is because I've been, I just feel like I'm still that dirtbag, too. So even now, as I'm selling, like now I'm finally moving tickets, and I'm like, oh, all these people came here. I get in my head about, I'm like, oh my god, are you sure? Like, did they get the right ticket? Yeah, you have to almost detach yourself because it's like, when I did Brea, I did Brea, and it's a 600 seat room, right?

And Saturday I sold out Bull Show. That's crazy, right? And I'm in the back, and I'm going, and I see all the people and I'm like, I can't do this. Yeah, I remember. I can't fuck, remember? Yeah, you were freaking out. Because I was freaking out.

I was like, I can't, why are they here? Right? I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. So when you hear your name, you kind of almost like, you snap out of this like, me, me, me, me. Yeah, totally. And then you actually just have to do the job.

Of course. So you go out there, and you're like, all right. And then you just go into, it's like when you, you've done a TV spot before, right? Yeah. How nerve-wracking is that? Yeah, terrible. Well, here's the thing, though, is I have to,

the thing with comedy and me is that I like to fight, right? And for me, those years of like, doing those dinner audiences who didn't give a shit in a mall, right, those $1,500 weeks, we were like, you're going to love me after this. That thing, now that my fists are down, I'm kind of like, oh, wait. Oh, OK.

I guess I have to go into this differently. Yeah. But I'm still angry inside, which is good. You know what I mean? Like, I still. You and I are similar in that way. What do you think that is? Trauma, just childhood.

Trauma. Trauma. It is, you think? Yeah. Yeah. 100%. It's that disapproval, approval thing. Yeah.

I was immigrant, too. My parents are Hungarian, and they grew up in communism. All that shit. Right. Not getting unconditional love. I think that's the secret. Yeah. I got love, but I got violence, too.

Well, yeah, it's a good combination. Wow. And I don't know exactly what it did to me, but I know that some of my behaviors, right, just in my life, is rooted. And that's why I won't go to therapy. Because you have to. Why?

I'm dying for you to go. I know. You guys have a number for me. I am dying for you to go. I need to go. I think you would be feeling me. Yes. Tell him why.

It's just a place to unload and process without the judgment of anyone. I mean, even though we have partners and people that we love, you know, sometimes they're not the place you want to put your things on. Right, because you're not qualified. Yeah. And they're able to help you kind of get through things

in a way that none of your friends are going to be able to do. Yeah, I'll make you happier. Yeah, it will. And honestly, I do feel lighter when I walk out. Right? Yeah. That's the best.

I mean, I don't have the greatest therapist, but you know, he's a chill guy. You should probably get the greatest. I know. He's mediocre. Yeah, fuck that guy. Next. Ariana Grande says.

But you know what's so funny? Because you have said, I asked you and Tom. I'd love for you to go to. I know. And then people on my shows have said that, like, you need to go, right? Because I have issues there, too. No, I'm not.

I don't act out. But there is a thing. They can see that I treat myself so poorly, like, if I mess up on a line. Oh, of course. You know what I mean? I'm so hard on myself. Yeah.

And then, like, also when the pressure is there, I just, I'm disappear. What do you mean you disappear? You disassociate? No, what happens is, like, a table reads, I'll, like, everyone will sit down the network and everyone will sit down. Until everyone's sat down, I don't go in the room.

Because I don't want to have the small talk. Because I did that once, where you sit there, and the president of Warner Brothers. So it was your weekend. And you go, all right. What was that? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Or I go into a story that, like, I think I'm on pot,

and it's too much. Like, I don't know. It's weird, because I got molested by a guy with Down syndrome when I was like, you know what I mean? And then they go, I don't want it. You know what I mean? And you say things as if you're around other comedians. Yes, that's my problem is I think I'm a space alien

and then I can't talk to regular people. That's why I'm friends with all comics. Because I know we all speak the same language and there's no judgment. But sometimes we're exposed to the real people. You want to be, right? We're real people. But then you say something that's going to, like, fuck up

your relationship with them. Yeah, I don't mean real people like other. Yeah, but I perceive them to be more together than me. Yeah, and it's, yeah, I have a problem with that. I always say that Tom taught me how to be a person, because he kind of taught me how to behave in those situations a little. That's why I love her.

That's your normal. Because with Kalyla, I can go, we're going to go to this party. And I know that she is going to be able to handle herself. Sometimes she doesn't want to go. I never want to go, but I also will show up. He has this thing about showing up places empty-handed. Culturally, like, that's not allowed for being, even for, like, a Filipino and stuff.

Like, you just got to bring your offering. And he's like, no, we can show. I haven't seen my, he hadn't seen his family in, like, gone together in 15 years for Thanksgiving. He was like, you're going to walk through that door with nothing in your hand? Because there's a part of me, and it's going to sound so gross. Say it.

I'm going to say something. I love it. I'm about to say the grossest thing I've ever said. All right, cool. But I told her I go just by me showing up. Got it. He says his presence alone is a gift. I agree.

I agree with you. Because I know that they don't think, because since I never show up, ever, right, just by me, they don't know, they don't think I'm coming to San Diego. Like, why would he drive down, right? So I, so in my head, I'm like, if I walk in the door, they're going to be like, oh my god, he showed up. Yeah, it's huge.

But then that's very, you know, fuck it. No, that's why I believe that. Fuck it. That's what I believe, Bryce. Yeah. Yeah, you know what? You know what? You know, fuck it.

Yeah, I drove down there. I don't need to thank you. How much do you hate them, your family? Like, do you hate them? No, I have a love for them. Oh, really? Because the thing is, is that my cousins, even on both sides, more on my mom's side,

some of them are the creatures of the night like I am. Like, we're fucked up. Which is why we have trouble deciding if we should procreate. Because there's a lot of violence and drug addiction on my side, too. Violence, I mean, like murders. Oh my gosh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my mom turned out to be the only sane sibling out of 10. The only sane one. So nine out of her 10 are really fucking off. And then the side? Well, like the cousin that we went to see, one of them, her mom and my dad don't get their brother and sister. And my dad, the last time they saw each other,

my dad tried to kill her with a butter knife. Yeah, so he jumped out. I remember him jumping across the table trying to cut her. At like a dinner party. And I was like, I was maybe 12. Well, how much of this? OK, but your parents are immigrant, too, yeah? My mom.

Yeah. And then my dad's side. Your time. He worked for the US government as like some agent of the government. So he's got some murderous thing going on there, I'm assuming. But my mom's is they're all out of their fucking minds.

They're crazy Filipinos. Crazy. But her dad is white. Yeah, but my dad is a white guy. Which is crazier than all. That's my favorite kind. But he was very calm and collected and intelligent and a really kind man.

Right. So I think that offset a lot of my mom's insane genetics. Because most serial killers are white males, right? Like you guys go bonkers. Why do you think that is? Because it's creativity. Is that right? I really do believe it's creativity.

What here's what it is, is ethnic people, we like to do mass do it at one time. Mass murder, like Cho Song-Wi from Virginia Tech, for instance, OK? He shows up, I'm not bragging about, I hate him. I know. But he does it at one time. He's called Asian work ethic.

I'm going to get as much as I can. Yeah, and I die, you know, whatever, you know? But white people, when they kill, they get creative like, I want to see how long. Yeah. Right? They leave, they drop hints. They're the ones that write riddles.

They do the riddles with the blood. Yeah, the riddles. Yeah, it's so stupid. It's so silly. Yeah, and then they also do creative things with the body. Oh, yeah, motivation. Ed Gein, he made lampshades out of human skin, right? Which?

Arts and crafts. It's called arts and crafts. That's creative, yeah. In fact, Buffalo Bill from Science and Lamps is derived from Ed Gein, so they inspire art. Love that movie so much. Culture. I've seen that thing maybe 30 times in my life.

Same here. It starts to finish, too. If it's on, I have to watch it. It's an Evergreen movie. God. My brother a couple of months ago called me, because he has my iTunes account, too. He goes, you know what, the movie I saw was Silence

in the Lens again. Wow, what a great movie. It really is strong. Because it taps into a woman's primal fear of like, can you help me with this couch? And then she's like, I don't want to be rude and say no, which is like every woman's dilemma. I hate to be perceived as unfriendly,

and then the next thing you know, you're in a motherfucker's well. She did it the wrong way. She went butt in first. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You wouldn't do that. I'd be like, go fuck yourself in your company. You're lifting, right?

I'm lifting your couch. I have to, I'd be the one go backwards. I have to go backwards? I'd be, no, you're going backwards. I'm not doing a deep squat for you. That's a fucking deep squat to be able to eat in a lunch. No way. Yeah, I'm not strong.

Do I look strong? Yeah. I'm not strong. And she's a politician's daughter. She should know better. And here's another thing. Is it racist? No, it's not.

Are you going to say the N-word? Go ahead. No, it was just a weird casting, right? Because she looked completely different than... Frederica Bimble. Is that her name? Yeah. Yeah, something like that.

You know you've seen that movie that many times. So many times. Yeah. That's her name? Yeah. I'm pretty... Or Frederica Bimble was the first girl who got killed. Yeah, I don't remember.

Ah, fuck. But I remember this. No, who doesn't? It's my favorite move. When he pulled, because when she's screaming. Yeah. He goes, he starts screaming too. Oh my God.

He mimics her. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like this. And then there's fingernails in the well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, real. Do you exercise? Here, here, here.

I know. I hate it. I do it because I have to, so I don't die. Doesn't he look like a man who works out a lot? Yes. Look at that. Look at those arms. Let's see if one's in here though.

Let's see. Is there one in here? So fancy. Oh my gosh, man. Look at that. Wow. Because of the screw, the whole thing. And I heard it helps prevent credit cards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. R-D-I-F-L-F-L. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Here, this is for you. Thanks, mommy. Wow.

Okay, tell her about your workout. Yeah, what do you do? Fitness. Nothing. I'm coagulating my blood. I'm doing a contest. What do you mean? I'm just to see if I can have the most coagulated blood

where it just doesn't move. Like, I don't exercise. I don't do anything of yoga. I don't do anything physical. Yeah. Yeah. I hardly move. Okay, would you rather, you know what an iron man is,

right? Love it. I saw all three movies. I did two sprints. I saw all three movies. Sorry, dude. I really did. I wasn't like that though.

It wasn't. Wait, you've done? I've done two sprint ironmans. One when I was 12 and the next when I was 14. But there were sprint ironmans. So they're a way shorter version of it. So walk me through what that is. It was terrible for me.

My mom forced me into it because I was a swimmer. And she thought, well, you know, you'll be ahead of the pack. You'll finish first in the swim. And then you can just, you know, race your way home. I'm like, the whole racing thing, that's a fucking 40, 50 mile bike ride. Wait, wait, so walk me through it. So it's, it's 40 to 50 mile bike ride.

So it's, I think it's a fifth, it's a mile swim. Okay. It's a 40, I think it's a 40 kilometer bike ride. And then it's a 10 K run, which really isn't so bad compared to the real ironman. Which is what? Double that? I think it's like quadruple that.

That's fucking insane. Yeah. That's fucking insane. But I was 12 and one legged man beat me. I'm not kidding. This isn't a joke. What? My first one, I came in, my sister and I,

she did a relay. So her team won. And I came out, it was an international one and her, she and I came out fourth and fifth on the swim. I mean, we were jammed and we were out of there. We were like, oh, this is a fucking lead. And I got on the bike and I crashed because I didn't, I really wasn't a good,

I had never trained to bike. I just always biked around my neighborhood. Didn't even have the correct road bike. And then I, a one legged man race. Imagine crashing on your bike. In the run too. He didn't beat me on the bike because he got one of those special bikes made for him.

In the run, he beat me. I was so exhausted. I had never trained for one. I was only a swimmer. Why haven't your mom made you do that? My mom was wild. I was her race horse. I can't believe your mom didn't kill you

after the fucking. She did. If you were my daughter and a one legged man beat you, I would leave you at the race. And I remember there was on TV, there was this channel called like star sports and they did a little montage of the Sprint Iron Man. They were like,

and one of the most inspirational finishes was that of a 12 year old, a split screen with a one legged guy eating. I swear on my life. I swear to God. I would have done drugs right then and there. I know. And then every,

There's so much shame. And then every Sunday on the local TV, you saw me with like my, I had my little cornrows because that's how I would compete in. And with braces. And I'm like, if I can finish, you can do it too.

Every Sunday and like fucking public access TV. We have to find that. And it was so embarrassing. I'm like, oh, one legged man beat me. How are you, how are you thinking that's even remotely inspirational? Oh my God. What if a no legged man beat you?

That'd be like you're on the side of the road. And he's back to the end, no prosthetics. It was just like on his body, like a worm man. Wait, did he have a prosthetic? He didn't have a prosthetic. What do you mean? Wait, hold on. He didn't have a prosthetic.

I forget, but he was one of those guys that was so famous because he had just done one of those like 40, 40 mile treks across the fucking grand one of those guys, the inspirational guys. I hate those people. Don't you hate them? Why are you doing this?

I hate, I know. Stop doing it. I hate like when they don't, they can't, they're blind and they can play the piano. Oh, that's, I know. Right? Because it's like bragging. It is, it's like, listen, you know,

there's something that you, I don't have eyes. And yet I can do this 10 times better than you. And they're always grateful. They're like, well, I may not have the gift of vision, but I can play the piano by ear. My hearing is stronger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they have like eco location, like dolphins.

Have you seen that guy, that blind guy? He just goes, he's a dolphin sound and it bounces back on him so he can drive and bicycle blind. I swear, he was on Oprah. He has eco, cause you know, like in beluga whales and dolphins and certain types of like of, of these ocean mammals, they have this thing called a melon.

And it's, it's, it's for eco location. So when they make certain sounds, the sound, there it is. Yeah, the sound bounces back. So they have, I find him, please. So he drives blind. That's insane.

I know he doesn't, he bicycles blind. If I see a movie like that, I root against him. Like in my left foot, when he's painting with, I want to chop that left foot. Fuck that guy. Fuck that movie. I won't see it. My friends, I won't fucking see it.

Cause it's a goddamn bummer and I don't want to be bummed out. It's not a bummer. Well, it's an inspirational bummer. But you know what he was shit that, no, he's shit that white people like, no, white people love these fucking inspirational bummer movies. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Yeah, I'm not watching it.

No, yeah, let me just say it. The guy that has AIDS and then he, you know, goes and cures cancer. I can't do it. My heart is too, too emotional. I'll tell you why my left foot. Oh, for fuck's sake. No, just listen.

Yeah, yeah. This is the, it's not the fuck the story. Okay. It's where you first go, oh, that's the greatest actor of all time. Does Daniel Day-Lewitt, yeah, clearly. Right. So that you watch it because of his performance.

He's so good in that movie. Yeah. Cause you didn't know who he was before that, right? Right. He was before Last of the Mohicans when he was a star. So here's this young actor. He had been in, he was in Gondi. I'd seen him in a couple of things,

but like, you know, supporting roles, but he, you literally thought number one, it was, what diseases did he have? Were they muscular? Did he have cerebral palsy? Cerebral palsy, right? Cerebral palsy, right? Right.

So you think what he has cerebral palsy. Oh, they found a cerebral palsy actor. But then when you, turns out he was just a regular dude, right? And he's doing it. It's pretty mind blowing. Pretty mind blowing. You know what movie I hate?

What? Yes, go ahead. That I never, that never resonated with me. I love Rudy. Rudy. I never saw that. I never, that's a white bummer too. Isn't that like-

Everyone loves it, except for me. Cause I feel like- Fuck Rudy. He didn't deserve that. Yeah. No, no, he's just short. Is that what his name is? Is that what that is about?

Well, he's a short, not very athletic, persistent kid who wanted to play football for Notre Dame. And so he just did everything he could to finally be allowed to play one game. How annoying. And how annoying. And did he ruin the team?

Like, did he not? No, he inspired the play. Like, here's what it, here's in Rocky, for instance. You know, when Ivan Drago- Yes, yes. Kills- Remember. Apollo Creed.

Apollo, yeah. In the Rocky trains to beat this guy that's unbeatable, they're suspense. I like the Rocky movies, I do. Right? He goes into a log cabin in the snow. Dude, that was fucking rad. He was pulling logs.

Pulling shit. Right, right, right. Yeah, bro, get it. And at the end of the movie, he overcomes this impossible task and it becomes a winner. In Rudy, okay, here's a guy, we see his journey. He plays the last 10 seconds of a football game.

That's the ending of the movie. And then they chant, Rudy, Rudy. He doesn't do anything special. Oh, so, okay. But he does inspire his team. Who gives a fuck, man? Yeah, that's what, that's what. But I almost feel like they just sort of like...

What? Yeah, I mean, he was never a standout. Make a movie called Joey, the guy the captain of the team. I want to see Joey. Who won the championship. Yeah, who won the championship. He's the winner.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree. Yeah, yeah, fuck Rudy. Yeah, fuck Rudy. Because in every movie, there is Rudy. But we don't see them in the movie, you know why? They're unimportant. In every movie, in any movie that you see, right?

There's a Rudy. If you see even Mission Impossible, there are CI agents that aren't good. Right. But they're not in the movie. But you're saying Rudy should have been the mascot. Yeah, but here's the difference. Do you know what I'm saying?

There's the difference between being an underdog and just being straight up unqualified. Like you can be an underdog and work your way to a point of being a success in that team. He wasn't that. They just passed the ball to him once and he played 10 minutes. It's just so his dad could be happy

that and say his son was on the football roster. Damn. And I'm like, you were never supposed to even be here. A lot of people just were nice about it. Yeah, he kind of bullied his way in, it sounds like. He kind of did. Let's just say that. Let's say that.

Let's say that. That's what it sounds like. Kind of really pissed me off. Rudy's kind of an asshole. Like if it was a chick thing, right? Like I imagine myself, because I was an athlete, if there were girls like that who were never as good, but somehow thought that they were supposed to be

where I was at. Entitled. I agree. I'm like, no dude, I have real athleticism. And you work hard. And I work hard at it. And this person thinks that she's allowed on my team. No, you're not on my relay.

Okay, on this tangent. I'm gonna get a lot of hatred on this. I don't like fat models. Here we go. This is exactly why you bring her here. This is why we're bringing her here. Why you bring Christina here? Fuck you, Christina.

Well, I'll tell you why. Because I believe that those women who are models, they're genetically gifted, okay? God gives everybody, or whoever Yahweh Krishna gives you gifts. That's their gift to be tall and hot and freakishly skinny. And that's the fucking thing. And clothes look great on them for whatever reason. Is it a cultural norm?

Yes. So that's great. So let that hot chick be hot. Don't take that away from her and give it to fucking fat broad. I'm serious because it doesn't look as good. Let's be honest. And it's not healthy to be overweight.

It's not a good thing. Can I ask you a couple questions? Why are we fucking celebrating every asshole? Do you know who Cindy Crawford is? Stunning. Yeah, do you know who Kate Moss is? Of course. Right, name me one plus size model.

They're already losing. Boo. Boo. Boo. Just give me double thumbs. Don't do that, don't do that. Double thumbs. Double hot dog thumbs.

Yeah, yeah, don't do that. No, because you have, it's special. Being a model is special. You have to stay skinny and they have to stay hot. It's not fair. You get to eat chili dogs and be a super model. No. And you know what?

They're kind of psychologically broken too. I have a friend, well, she's in the, our friend, she's in the porn industry. She was like, do you know how fit I have to stay? That's a big stressor in my life. She's like, I have to go to this fucking strip club. I can't eat this giant bowl of chili whenever the fuck I want to.

That's right. Like it's something that's constantly in her mind. And that is the price they have to pay. It's a gift and they work hard and it's not easy. I've never modeled, but I watch America's Next Top Model. Yeah, me too. Do you know who? Do you know who?

The struggle's real. Tony Thornberg is. Oh, Bobby's favorite. My favorite. Tony Thornberg is a half Asian, half Swedish male model. Okay. I don't want to suck his dick. Really?

I would suck his dick. May I see him, please? Yeah. Oh, dear God, that's a good one. Wow. Let me see. He looks like a painting. He's kind of like a young Keanu Reeves.

Yeah. Now, let me see something. He's a Gilbert. I don't know. Now, I'll get you the sweater. I'll get you the sweater. If you were going to, listen, if you were going to sell menswear, right?

You're at a company, right? That's right. Would you have? That's right. Would you have this guy? Right. Right or me? Right.

Right. I'm right. What? Don't do that. Don't do it that way. Yeah. Yeah. But you know what?

If it was up between him and I and I got the call, you got it? Yeah. I'd just be like, is this a prank? What the fuck? Right. Now, conversely, if they want to cast the next sitcom and they need the funniest fucking guy in the room,

are they going to call this guy? They do. The hot guy. The hot guy? They always do. No, they don't. But they're going to hire you because that's your gift. That's your talent.

I know some sitcoms where, like for instance, I don't want to say any names, but we have a guy that was on the show who auditioned for a sitcom pilot. This guy is one of the funniest Mexican dudes I've ever seen. He's young. He auditioned for the show. And then he, I go, you got it, right? And he goes, no dude, they gave it to the good looking guy.

When I know, I don't care what this good looking guy looks like, there's no way he's as talented as this guy. Well, no shit. And let's put that good looking guy in fucking Peoria, Illinois, across from the race car track next to the Black Girl strip club for a week. And let's see if he can do, you know, six shows and make people laugh.

Right. Or go to Lake Tahoe with Howie Nave or whatever his name is, and do 14 shows. Yeah, there's no way. That's what's up. But that's what not Hollywood doesn't do that. Hollywood, right, just drives me crazy. That's right, yeah.

There's, no, be real. I am being real. There is a disconnect between, let me just look at. When I see, let me just say something. Go ahead. When I see that you and Tom or whoever has a Netflix special. You're like, why? And I go, wow.

No, I go, oh, when I heard Joey Diaz got one, I said to myself. On the same one, right? He's on the degenerates, half hours degenerates. Go ahead on Netflix, read me now. Yeah. Cut that out. I don't dare you. Note that.

But there's sometimes when you go, who's that? Yeah, I agree. Who this? Yeah. Right? It's like some guy that's, there's no connect. There's a disconnect. Oh, you're getting me all fired up.

Yeah, I know. I'm talking about this fucking thing. When people get things, and it's like whoever the network guy is, whoever they approve, and then you see guys that are you legitimately deserve it, right? They have the look, they have the ethnicity, or whatever they might have, but they have it, and they never get anything.

It just drives me fucking crazy. But as you know, because you've been in this business long enough, after a while, that shit disappears, correct? That the blips, the people that get stuff that's kind of unmer, very, very infrequently does it happen where somebody can kind of rise to that and stay there. So the cream always rises, and all that fucking bullshit will go away.

You think so? All the time, 100%. Yeah. It's happened time and time again. And that's why somebody like you can work as long as you have. But the cream, though, sometimes doesn't rise. Not true. Who do you know that, well, we won't say names.

I'm going to name it name, because it's a positive thing. Go ahead. Right? I believe that Rick Ingram deserves something. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And. Definitely.

Because I watch him every night, and I said to myself, yeah, he's a plain-looking white dude who's kind of like slouchy, right? He has no backbone, really. He's just no shoulders. He's just like, he walks around. You're really selling him. No, he walks around like, I have no bones.

My bones are brittle or whatever, right? And he's always like, how are you? Pretty good, but my daughter, you know what I mean? It's always kind of like a little negative. And he was used to be just a riff guy, right? He used to be a guy that just, you know, what do you do for a living? And then he would do a bit, right?

But now he's working hard to just have an act. He's a really funny guy. And he may or may not get anything. But, and there's a probably 50 guys I can name that are like that, that I go, they're because of the time that we live in now where it's like just a plain old white guy, right? Yeah.

It's going to be harder. Yeah, it, it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, male white oppression. Yeah. Are you fucking boo-hooing for the white guys right now? You know what? I am.

No, I know. I there's a lot of very talented people that that are being kind of on the outskirts because they are unfortunately white guys right now. Yeah, it's not like it's, it's like if racism reversed and black people were lynching white people, right? I wouldn't be like, you know what I mean? Yeah, finally, you know what I mean?

It'd be like, it's a sad thing. Of course. I want everyone to work. Of course, right? I think that, you know, throughout show business, ethnics like myself and you, I guess, we, yeah, yeah. We, you know, we, I mean, in the late, in the late 90s, Abby set up a meeting with ICM with me

and they looked at me from across the table and said, we think you're funny. I go, and they go, we can't sign you because you will never work. Oh, Jesus Christ. And I go, what do you mean? He's like, it's just your type. It's like, you're never going to work.

And now look. I know my point though is that. Hilarious. But that, you know, so, you know, I don't like it either way. Yeah, but here's the thing. And here's the truth about our business. Okay. I have people say to me, isn't it great

that female comedians are now equal and everything's good? I go, listen, this is not the truth. If you look at who's actually generating tickets and who's really working, there's like five female acts. Really. And then the numbers are always the same. But the, if there's one big female comic, they go, well, there's Amy Schumer.

And you're like, bitch, that's one. Yeah. Now, don't worry about it. I know you're worried because you're like, the white guys are losing control. Yeah, I'm very worried. And no, don't worry. Don't worry, the white, here's the truth.

This is a fucking, I think it's kind of a fad like everything else in our business and the pendulum's going to come back and all the white guys will have their shit again. That's my prediction. You really think that? Yeah, I do. How happy you look.

I don't like you nodding like that. Yeah, I don't like the way you're nodding. Hey, man. I don't think so. I think it's going to, I... Well, because it's... It's going to level out. It's going to level out.

Right now, we're being so... There's so much going on in society that the pendulum is all the way on one side and then it'll come back. And to be truth be told, I think that it had to swing the other side. Of course, change. Right, change.

And also, we've done a lot of proving, like Wonder Woman, number one movie. Female, crazy rich Asians was the number one movie, right? We had to show Hollywood that, no, it was a little skewed. In fact, if I see a billboard of a show coming out and it's all white people, I do mock at it. Like, for instance, that Irish show with the kids that's on ABC, it was a...

The kids are alright. The kids are alright, right? Yeah, that's about an Boston family. I get that, right? But when it's like, you know, like that show Manifest, to me, they're like, are there ethnics on there? I don't know. I can't tell.

It does make me go, you know, I get weird out of the bottle a little bit. Well, you know what's really fascinating and what Netflix has proven to viewing habits and such is that you don't have to be a white person to watch a white show. You don't have to be an Asian person to watch an Asian show. Like, if you look at crazy rich Asians, I don't think white people or black people are like,

I'm not going to see that because it's all Asians. You watch Korean dramas. Love Korean dramas. Hello, my 20s. I started to watch my 20s. Is that when the roommates, the girls, and then one of them is kind of like being out? Yes.

Yes, I watch a first couple episodes of that. Season two gets even nuttier. This is season two. Is it good? You watch Hyori? I'm sorry? Hyori's Bed and Breakfast. No, but I will.

Let me write that down. It's a reality show. It's basically she used to be like the Britney Spears of Korea. Oh, I like that. And then she and her husband moved to Jeju Island where they have a house and they open up their doors for a bed and breakfast and they have like 16 dogs. You told me about this.

But see, this proves my point. Like, the way that television was created is that, well, we got to make shows geared towards certain demographics. The male 13 to whatever 20-year-old is going to only watch Tom Green on MTV. It's not true. Because you've got people watching all kinds of shit. If it's good, you're going to fucking watch it.

Oh, another great one. A good Korean cop drama is called Live. It's on Netflix, too. I don't know if it's Live or Live. See, we know all this stuff because it's good. Yeah, it's just good. I watch anything in any language. Yeah, me, too.

Yeah. But I have to defend the Midwest here for a second. Go ahead. Wow. In a negative way. And it's the private. I have to defend it in a negative way. Is that still dumb Americans, right?

We'll not watch anything that has subtitles in it. Yeah, I got to be honest. Sometimes I'm too tired to read. I'm like, I can't read TV right now. That's how they remake things. Like if it's a, like they remade, what's that vampire one that I like, let the right one in. Oh, really?

What did you see? Which one did you see? The American version or the Swedish one? It's an old ass. It's an old ass thing. Did you see the European version? Yeah, dude, like a million years. Yeah, yeah, they made a white one.

The American one, I mean, a white one. They're both white, but they made an American one. Oh, cool. They remade La Femme Nikita, which was the original one, right, with Luc Basant. Yes, yes, yes. But they remade it into, you know what I mean, an American version of it.

The departed is an Asian movie called Infernal Affair. Yeah. So they do that a lot. So I, and it works. I mean, people go, I mean. Except for Old Boy. Yeah, I've seen that. That one's so good.

But the remake I heard wasn't very good, right? Yeah, what's his name? Josh Brolin. Josh Brolin. Yeah, Spike Lee. Battle Royale, Battle Royale. Oh, my God, one of the best. Yeah, I heard the book.

They couldn't remake that, though. Never, no, never. People go, it's like Hunger Games. No, Hunger Games is not like anyone listening right now. All right, I know you guys sometimes hear me and you, like the Ruin Brothers, you guys downloaded that album. We have these friends from England that did Tiger Belly. They're a band called Ruin Brothers, two brothers.

They sound like Roy Orbison. They're so good. Amazing. But if you want to listen to me right now, one of the best movies, it's a great movie. It's called Battle Royale, the original one. There's number, they did three movies, I think. But to watch the first one, it's so good.

Oh, it's so good. And it was not, it was like, unlike anything else that came out at the time. Because I remember seeing it, I think it was in the late 90s, right? Yeah. It was like, whoa, dude. It was crazy, bloody.

Yeah. And it was in, well, just the premise of it is, I guess it's post, it's like future Japan, not that far, like not Blade Runner future, but it's in the, and the Japanese youth is out of control. So they do a lottery system, where is if you're in the bottom of the classes that are misbehaving, you get thrown in this lottery system where if you win it, you have to do a

reality show called Battle Royale. And it's basically your class goes on an island and they film it as a show and you, and you have to kill each other until one person's standing. It's pretty rad. It's fucking rad. Do you think a young Bobby Lee would have done? How well you would have been, you would have been there.

I wouldn't want, I would have been one of the guys, because people died even before they got on the island. Remember, I'd be one of them. Transit. Yeah. You die in transit. I'm a transit guy. Transit.

Because I'm going to be the one that's going to be like, no, fuck this. We're not doing this. That's me, too. Yeah. Yeah. They should be in the head, you know? But I think that if we were on an island, right, and it was

the same rules, let's be honest with ourselves right now. Who do you think, so us six, who would be the first to die? Who would be the first to die? I think you have a really thick hide. I'd go with the tallest people. Like an arrow wouldn't penetrate you. Like because I'm fat? No, you have a rhino hide.

Yeah, yeah, thank you. You have a Korean tantane. Yeah, tantane. Like very thick skin. Thick skin, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm tight. Like if you scratch him, he doesn't feel anything. Or if I get away, this heals back up like Wolverine. Now are you prone to eczema?

No. No, he has perfect baby skin on his back. Touch my skin. Bb, how soft it is. Soft, like a little dolphin. Thank you. So who dies first? Who dies first, do you think?

What do we all look over at? Yeah, yeah, we'll see. The men can overpower us. I don't know how strong you are. Yeah. I have really good stamina. She does have to get some stamina. And I have.

I feel like I feel like. Are we trying to kill each other? Yeah, so everyone has. What kind of weapons do we have? OK, no, let's not do without the rifles. We'll just do hand to hand combat. What about what's in this room? Whatever you can find in this room.

You get one thing in this room, right? So you get a pencil. What the fuck? Dude, dude. Yeah, no, no, no. Oh, yeah, I can make this into a shard. Yeah, dude. A glass, a knife.

You've seen West Side Story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me, I'll just take one. Taekwondo, he's a karate. I'll take one of the sticks, the tripods. I think I'll be the first to die. If I'm thinking about it, I think I would be. But I feel like you would.

I think you just tire out. No, it's not that I wouldn't be able to kill. You would try to create a line to like survivor. You'd like pull people aside. You know, you try to get us to fight each other. I'll give you more money for Tiger Belly. I'll give you more percentage. But you go to Bree, Bryce, and George all separately

to say that. Yeah, yeah, you get more merch money. He might be the last to live because you're going to use your smarts. The cunning. But have you guys ever seen like a royal rumble in WWE? You got to stay on the outer fringes first. You can't engage first because then you're just out

no matter how strong you are. I'm running the opposite direction. And when you're the last one living and you're looking after me, I will have been well rested somewhere in a cave. And then you'll be tired from fighting fucking five people. And then I will shank you right in your fucking eyeball. Wow.

The winner is Kauaila Koon. Wow. Damn. You won. You know why fear is I'm on an island and I'm fucking walking around and I see a cave. And I walk in the cave in Paris and Kauaila are in there. He has her pen over of rock.

You tell me in the middle of a battle royale she's going to cheat on you. And I'm going, Brice! Hey, Bob, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, man. I'm starting to realize something about you. I think you're a true cuck. I think that, wow.

It was a call you wanted to catch her having sex with other men. Yeah, I think that he always brings up these situations where he finds me having sex with whoever the hell's in the room at that time. It's always Bryce. No, it's always who you've mentioned. If you had sex with him, I would be like killing over laughing. Like, did you hit your head on a cliff?

But also, part of that your cuck fantasy is the fact that you do like Bryce a lot. Oh, it is. Wait a minute. Does he have to like the guy in this? Yeah, he has to like them. He has to feel sort of semi-attracted to them. Interesting.

Now, do they have an encounter, too? Or he just watches you? You feel cornered? Yeah. Listen, Bryce. I don't know how he chooses them. Listen, Bryce. He does like Bryce.

In terms of the Tiger Belly family. Oh, my god. Hey, George. The Tiger Belly family is what? Eight people? Is it? How many people is it? Four.

No, not four. We have cameramen, too. A lot, yeah. And also, Bryce turned me on to so many things in life. He turned me on to Star of Dew Valley, which is a game that I obsessed over. I also, Bryce doesn't have. He's not combative in any kind of way.

Antagonist, he's not an antagonist. Like, you try like. I guess he likes the doormats. Yeah, he's more of a doormat. Yeah, more of a doormat. Right. Sorry. More of a doormat.

When you smile, I see more gums. I love gums. I love to see your gingivias. You know what you remind me of is, what's that painter from the fifth? Rockwell. Yes. Norman Rockwell.

First of all, very rare to actually meet somebody named Bryce. Very well. I know Filipino named Bryce. Really? Yeah. But I also know a Filipino named Archie and all the Greek names.

Archie. Ramell. Ramell, yeah. Filipinos have great names. Greatest names on Earth are Filipinos. Give me some weird ones. Queen Elizabeth. I already told you.

What are you talking about? Many packhouse daughters. Many packhouse daughters' name is Queen Elizabeth. Bucking rat. He was one of the greatest monarchs. You're right. History. Right.

And then I have a friend named Twinkle. That's her government name, is Twinkle. Oh, my god. My cousin's name is Chik Chik. Yeah, yeah, Chik Chik. Yeah, and then my other cousin's name is Krokotok. That's so fake. Well, you know what?

Krokotok. It's Krokotok, yeah. That's a thing about names that we've forgotten, right, the fun of it. And I think as Americans, we should name our kids stuff that you really want to. So mine would be. You know, his sister's name is Honey.

That's her government name. That's nice, though. That's nice. First kid, if I had it my way. First, Dilithium Crystal. That must be a Star Trek fan. In fact, the first three I would name up a Star Trek. Dilithium Crystal.

Dilithium Crystal. Crystal's a second name. Crystal's a sloth. Yeah, sloth, really not. Ten Forward. Ten Forward. That's where the bars were guided. It works.

Will be Goldberg's character. I would also, I'm a big X-Men fan, so Adamantium Steel would be one. Adamantium. Adam, Adam for short. Adam for short. No, Adamantium. Adamantium.

Yeah, first name, yeah. You don't know what Adamantium Steel is? No, dude. Steel that they infused will bring bodies and whip. Wolverine, his, the claws that come out. Hey, Christina, beat it, nerd. Yeah, I'm fucking, I'm tired, come on. Yeah, I would name one real racist.

Really? So that when people said his name, they wouldn't feel guilty. Qingchong. I think Qingchong would be. Qingchong Lee. Qingchong, Qingchong. Say, hey, Qingchong, hey, don't be racist.

No, that's his name. Qingchong. Right? Child, live with that. Dude, you guys will have great children. You think so? Yes, I think, I think we need to stop overthinking it and just do it.

Yeah. Just do it. What do you have, you have tweets? I got something's going on in showbiz. This is not, this is a showbiz thing I got. If it doesn't turn out well, can we drop it off at your doorstep? No, I'm awful.

I got two dogs, two babies. You don't want to raise the psychotic Asian baby? Here's the thing, because I got cray cray in my family. I come from a long line of nut baggery and then Tommy's got his stuff too. I do think that nurture can overcome nature. And you guys are nice, loving people. I don't see why you can't make it happen.

Here's, they can be so different too. My first kid is a wild man, like he's Eastern European. He's going to fucking put a brick in it and be a skateboarder and like, and the other one's nice, social, smiley, what's up guys, are we here? So two different temperaments. You got to try it twice then. You can't just have one.

Bang, bang, and do it, do it. Unless the first one's already perfect. We killed two, so that was the two. Yeah. They're always perfect. But just go bang, bang, just do it. It's going to be a hard few years and then I think it gets better, I don't know.

I think it's going to be great for you. I have to tell you. No, three is my kid's three, the older one, it's fucking rad. It gets, it's so much fun. Especially if you're childish and you like to play, and you want to relive the fun parts of childhood. It's rad.

I mean, my house now is like Christmas. Fucking Christmas. You know what I'm saying? Like, do you do the whole Christmas town and all of that? Girl, I did a whole Santa's village, it lights up. Wow. I have my tree up, like, I'm all about it. Those are the things that I, when I think about wanting kids,

it's because I want to give them that. My Christmas says my dad was always very elaborate. He would hire my uncle to pretend to be Santa on the roof. You know, like make sounds at midnight, do just the whole thing. And it was so fun for me. So now I always have this warm, always the warm fuzzies around Christmas time.

He does never had Christmas. What? I thought the Koreans are a Christian. No, my dad go, oh, Merry Christmas. And he gave like $300. I got great weed. Like I got weed. So did you do Christmas for him?

I tried to, but initially he was very resistant. And he didn't know what to do with his body. Like I would decorate, I would bring home a massive tree. So now we do go and get the tree and we do all that. He tries, he's trying. He's trying to see the good of it. Yeah. But with kids, that's a necessary thing.

You cannot skip out on that. No, I mean, if I had a kid, honestly, if I had a kid, I would do everything I can to have the kind of, I've given them a childhood that I didn't have. That's what that, and that's the healing part, actually. Yeah, it is. It's simultaneously, you got to get into therapy before you do it though.

Well, because simultaneously you go like, here's all the stuff I never had. And then you go, oh, here's all the stuff I never had. So it's kind of like you go, oh, fuck. And you get angry and you get sad. And that's why everyone's like, it's so hard being a parent. It's not hard changing diapers. It's hard going through that emotional stuff.

That's what's hard. Yeah. Because I don't remember my dad ever going, let's go to the park. Or let's go anywhere. Yeah. Like I never really hung out with him. He just went to work, came home, got drunk, beat my mom.

What were your parents like? Well, my dad was a drinker, Hungarian. So they came from a lot of trauma. The old country, the Russians took over. My dad drank, ate sausage, watched football and ignored. Yeah, dated lots of women. My mom was crazy. She was mentally ill.

So between the two of them, it was like, we're making a stand-up comedy. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, but yeah. But when you have a kid, you heal. You do? Heals, yeah.

That was, this is the first pitch. The greatest pitch. Great pitch, Debra. Yeah. You're the big, because I talked to Natasha and Mosha. And they're kind of like, we love it more than our dogs. Or you see like, Steve Byrne's daughter. Steve Byrne's daughter is a super model.

Is she? I haven't seen her. She's so pretty. So cute. And just so, and then you look, Al Magicals are like, you know that they're smart. And cute. So I just had this fear that, you know what I mean?

But maybe, I don't know. Anyway. Well, your kids are going to be gorgeous. I mean, you've got this amazing. It's this side. It's this side. No, but you're, huh? She'll come and say, huh?

Yeah. What are we doing on time? We're about over 120. Wow. Almost a rom-com, yeah. Wow. This is the longest. This is the longest.

So at the end of ours, we, you know, we do a thing called Unhelpful Advice. And we get an email. That's really funny. Just to protect us. Just to protect us. Oh, OK. It's a terrible advice.

So go ahead. Unhelpful advice with Bobby, Kalilah, and Christina. Hey, guys. My name is Andre. I'm 26. And I'm a French-Canadian from Montreal. I can't begin to explain how much your podcast has helped me get through rough days at work when all I want to do

is quit. The show has really helped me keep me sane and on track. So thank you so much for all your hard work. My question is more for Kalilah. Kalilah, you have said a few times in the podcast that you've always reached climax quite easily. Oh, my god.

I said that! I've had a very hard time reaching an orgasm. Oh, this is a girl. It's a girl, yeah. OK. Andre, yeah. I've had a hard time reaching an orgasm, alone with toys, and with a partner.

It makes me sad because it used to be so much easier when I was much younger. And remember it being more pleasurable. Since then, I've always blamed my depression for my lack of ecstasy and sex drive. What, any tips or tricks for me? Ooh, I only know the reverse. I know girls who have a hard time initially,

and then once they find it, they find it. They never lose it again. I mean, it sounds more like a sex drive thing. It sounds like the word depression. Depression. That really, really takes a toll on all. It manifests itself in so many physical ways that I think that you should maybe take care of that underlying

problem first, see a therapist, get to that before you try to heal the physical stuff. Yeah, because women, it's tied to the emotional. Totally. And I think that all, I've never had a purely physical experience with sex. Even if I'm not emotionally or mentally attracted to somebody, I don't care how hot he is,

he's just not getting me there. Sex is in the mind. And I think that's why I can be married and be with someone for 14 years time when I've been together. Because you realize, how many dicks can I have in one lifetime? I'm not even that big a fan of dicks. I see a picture of dicks.

They never excite me. I've never looked at a dick pic and said, woo! I think that's the difference between men and women. If you just see a picture of a vagina, is that it not for good guys? I think it gets a mowing, yeah. Oh, yeah, we're not wired that way. Yeah, but if you tell me something personal about yourself,

all of a sudden, I'm like, ooh, good. That's the difference. Yeah, vulnerability, honesty, charisma, all that stuff's a way more emotional torture. Oh, you like him torturing me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My body's so special. He is special.

You've got a lot. There's a lot, but it's fun. If he packages the torture real well. Yeah. But how does he makes it up to you, right? Yeah, you know what? He is insane, and he is very lazy, and he's a very poor listener, but.

Sounds great. But he is not a nasty fighter. I go for the jugular when we fight. I always say things that cut deep, and he always backs off. That's just my career. I'm sorry. That's why I haven't worked in three years. I know, I never say that.

Wait, I never say that. That is actually the one thing I steer clear from. I never talk about your career. One time you did. Because you wouldn't leave the house for three days until you go to the audition. No, no, no, no. Downstairs, you're making a joke.

I forgot what the joke was. See, he remembers these things. I do remember, right? And she said, I don't forget what it was, but I remember your line was, that sounds like your career. Like, it was talking about something that was low, or thinking something right. And I turned to you, and this is years ago, and I got down.

No, that's not to that. That's you must have really, really. I think I pissed you off. Yeah, I think so. I would only say something like that if your manager is now hounding me because you missed three auditions in a row. There's only two times you made me mad.

Oh, god, OK, well, now we're in a... I'm not, we're not therapists. This is not the place. Well, you know, this lady, I don't have any, I don't know. I'm fine. There's nothing that I can say. Put black dicks inside you. I could do something.

I would say, I think Christina's right. It is, we're very mental, we're very psychological when it comes to our, with just female orgasms, they're all psychological, I think. And you need to fix that about you. Or, you know, attend to that part before you try to get a showerhead and just vigorous. It's not gonna come.

Well, and also, what are your habits right now? Because I know sometimes if you overuse toys, or you overuse stuff, you can desensitize your, your regime too. Yeah. What are you doing? Like, are you, you know? And if she's on antidepressants,

I understand that lowers your sex drive too. Because when I was on an SSRI, I could not for the life of me have an orgasm. And I shouldn't say that out loud because I don't want to dissuade anyone. If you need, you know, Zoloft, if you need these SSRIs to go about your day, that's great. But for me, my personal experience was it,

I could not get there. And even when I finally did that one time, it was so just not good. It was just like, oh, that's it. You know, all that work. Yeah, it was terrible. So, I mean, there's a, there's a catch there, unfortunately. Yeah, cause she knows how to rub them out.

Yeah. That's not the problem. She's saying like, now it's gone from up to down. So we have to look at why it's down. Yeah, you should all see a doctor, definitely. Do it. Do it. Yeah.

It's another one, I don't know, that's it. It's another one? Yeah, I don't know. I love you, Tiger Belly. My name is Kobe and I'm 21 years old. Here we go, here we go. And I have no friends. I've lived in three.

I've lived in three different states since graduating high school and burned every bridge after leaving each state. My best friend lives in Australia and I really spend most of my time alone. I find it hard because some days I can barely leave the house cause I'm not confident in what I look like. I'm super insecure and find small talk really hard. I love to hear films, but doing, doing so alone is difficult and never as fun or fulfilling. Having like-minded friends and a support system and love and care is something I'm really

missing in my life. Do you guys have any ideas where I can start meeting people and become more confident in myself? Love you guys. Kobe. I'm really bad at this. I have no friends. I'm kind of anti-social.

Yeah. Yeah. The thing is is that he reminds me of myself because I think there's something about struggling being, you know, young and trying to figure it out that there is a thing that I miss about that of the unknown, right? And when I was, how old is he? 21. Yeah.

In my early 20s, I had one friend and, you know, and I hardly saw him. I had people that I worked with, but I never really hung out with. And another thing before I did stand up, I couldn't look at people in their eyes. If I got pulled over by the cops, I couldn't lock eyes with them. I would just turn away. Women forget about it. I could not look at them in the eyes. I was petrified.

So what ended up happening was just I would walk around Pacific Beach in San Diego by myself back in the 90s and just like go to a, there was a coffee shop called Zanzibar that was open 24 seven. At two in the morning, I would just sit there and drink espresso and just play chess with like homeless people. And I would write poetry. I don't sad. Oh, I write like little.

I had a journal. I would write it, you know, whatever. But um, and I thought, and I was sober too, you know, that was the one thing by going to meetings, I could go to, um, I meet people, you know, so that's where I kind of got, you know, my social, you know, community. See, I'd recommend the opposite. This guy needs to smoke some weed, chill the fuck out, meet some people. You think?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just kidding. I don't know. I'm helpful advice.

Yeah. Yeah. But you're saying that you went to meetings and you met people was like the same. But still, I didn't hang out with them. I would go to a meeting and just kind of leave. Um, but all of that, that time though, it, it, it drove me into where, where I'm at now, right? Like without that sadness, without that loneliness for me, I would not, if I was a good looking

white dude in San Diego and all the things given to me, I would not be here. But because of the fact that I was little and weird and orange hair long, right? And just kind of like a lot of zits and just meek, you know, those, that's what drove me to, to do stand up. Right. So I don't know where that path is going to, but a lot of times it's not a bad thing. So you're saying allow the suffering as a central, I think it could inspire you. I mean, don't go shoot up a school, right?

All right. Don't do that. Avoid that. Do something positive, right? But let that, you know, let that be your, you know, motivator to, to come out of yourself. Maybe you'll create something or do something or you'll work hard at something and you'll overcome it, you know? But a lot of times your early twenties is, you know, my favorite book was catcher and

the rye. Hold on. Yeah. Just a sad, you know? I used to read things like notes from the underground. Oh my God. That's my favorite book. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Very existential in your, I was very dark too. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that the depression you've got to go there, you got to get weird, but you've got to come out of that. Like you're saying and find a way to be constructive about your suffering because otherwise that's

the danger is that you become a fucking loser your whole life. Right. The suffer. Yes. But make something, make the diamond out of that pressure, right? Yeah. That nasty. Yeah.

I was thinking how to have friends. I think it's the. Yeah. But can I just say something? Like you just said notes of an underground was about a guy in a basement looking through that little window, right? And just these thoughts, right? It's like fear and trembling by Kierkegaard.

I mean, I was into that whole thing, right? Because it fed into my depression and my loneliness, but in many ways that inner dialogue that I would have looking around being antisocial, you know, it really helped me drive me into where I'm at now. And also may I say that when I would, um, anytime I would be attracted to boys in my twenties, it was never the loud, obnoxious night. It was always the weird guy in the corner, of course, the emo guy that was kind of cute, but also kind of like, there's something more there.

Yes. And he was usually depressed. There was probably something wrong with him. Yeah. But those are the ones I always reached out to. Those are the ones I was fascinated by. Yeah. But I would say for this dude, like what you're saying, go find something that you enjoy doing

and in the enjoying of the doing of the thing, you might find other people. Right. For instance, you found your tribe in comedy. So if this guy finds it's an insurfing or whatever the fuck he likes, find some shit you like. Yeah. Get a dog. In your dog to dog park.

Wow. That's a good advice. And the people that you will party with in your twenties are not going to be your lifelong friends. Anyhow, I don't, I, most of the people that I party with in my twenties, I fucking hate today. We're not hate, but you know what I mean? Like I wouldn't, I wouldn't bother catching up with necessarily.

Well, your twenties are a time of growth and expansion and they're terrifying and they're really hyped up to be this awesome thing and they're fucking fine. I don't think life gets good until you're in your thirties at least. That's where my career started in my thirties. Yeah. I got mad TV at twenty nine. Oh my God. Right.

So then in my thirties, I was on mad and it was, I was young and excited. It was exciting and, um, but in my twenties, I just see darkness, but you know what? That was when I struggled, but I don't, I, many times I miss it and also I'm so grateful for it. I'll even drive down like, I'll go to silver, like I drive down some streets and go, I remember that, that El Pollo Loco, Clista and I got in a fight because the use of these BRCs being rice and cheese burritos, they were a dollar. And I remember we only had a dollar.

So then we split the BRC down the middle and we got in a fight because one was bigger than the other one. But you know how to solve that problem and when you have two kids, you got to have one splits it, the other one chooses, the person who splits it's going to make it as equal as possible. Because the other next one gets to choose, that's so smart. We didn't do that. We got a fist fight.

Yeah. Different. We'll blow fist fight. Different. Yeah. All the answers. See, now I know why you're with this lady. Yeah.

She has very good answers. Cause you know, like real life stuff. I don't know how to open up an avocado. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. But I don't know either dude.

You have to teach the comedians how to be normal. Yeah. Fuck. Can I say something? This podcast was really just pleasurable to me. It really, it really was. I know you canceled 19 times, but it's fine. It was worth it.

Captain showbiz. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love you guys. But my point is, this is that I really, I honestly like, you know, your podcast, H3Rs, it feels, I don't know, it just feels cool to have a comedy podcast community and we're both standups as well.

And I just really enjoy you and Tom. And I'm really just happy that you showed up and came in today. It was a strong, it felt fun and light. In fact, you know, it's just difficult to, you know, sometimes we get guests here. I'm not going to name any names. They've all been great. They have been all great, but they can't all be great. But this one was easy.

Yes. Yes. This one was not on me thinking of like what to say, you know, a lot of times I struggle with that. You know what I like is that you're doing, you're doing the wrap up as I'm here, which is kind of neat. Like usually Tom and I wait for the guest to leave. Oh.

Do you ever say anything like, oh, that was a rough one. Clunker. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. There's always clunkers. Not with guests though. Yeah.

I know. Sure. But you guys are very free and easy. I think because you know each other so well, and you know how to do this well. And I learned a lot about myself when I was on your show and that short span of time because you said, there's something that resonated with me, you said, yeah, the bear likes being stroked and that's, you were talking about Tom and that's just what he needs. And I said, well, you know, when I offer love to him, he doesn't always receive it.

And then you told me, well, that's what he needs. He doesn't need, you know, you, basically I, I, I'm starting to realize that when your mom says she offered you love and you couldn't take it, I shouldn't take it personally. You're just a, you're built differently. Yeah. That's not what you need. But what does he need? Do you know what he likes?

I do. Yeah. Yeah. He needs antagonizing. He's talking about me. And brutality. He needs, the bear needs to be poked and potted to show love. That's how you show him.

But how do you show love? That's how I'm going to close. That's it? I love it. Well, I look forward to you two having many children and having a wonderful life together. And if my show gets canceled, I want to get on your show. I want to be on your show. Absolutely.

Let me give you an audition at least. Well, let's see if we even get this pilot going. I think you will. CBS. It's great. I'll take it. I'll take a co-star. Yeah.

You're out. Please watch my degenerates on Netflix. The degenerates on Netflix. Your mama's house. Yeah. Your mom's house. Your mom's house. Your mom's house.

Your mom's house with her and Tom. Yeah. It's one of the strongest ones. Yeah. Go ahead. My ride or die tour. I'm doing Philly. Wait.

This is going to be. Philly, New York, Denver, Minneapolis. Bunch of cities. Christina P. Online. You're doing helium in Philly? I think so. Yeah. Yeah.

Have you been there before? No, I've never done it. Yeah. It's a great club. Okay. Yeah. Denver. And then Denver.

Comedy Works. Downtown. Downtown. The best one. Right. I know. Have you been there? Yes.

I love it. I love it. I want to film something there. It's so good. It's so good. Rogan did a special there because it was so good. It's so good there. Yeah.

There's a lot of clubs. What clubs do you like? I love Denver Comedy Works. I think that's the best. That's my favorite. It's one of my favorites. I love it. Have you done Vancouver?

No. Do you want to know something? The Yuck Yucks. The booker is a sexist person and would never book me because I was a woman for many years. So I refuse to do that chain. All of the Yuck Yucks? I was told when I was a brand new headliner or feature act, this guy does not book women so you're never going to work there.

At the offered? Go fuck yourself. At the offered? I don't know. I don't know. That's my agent. But I don't care. In Toronto, do you play theater?

Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. And that was, it was fucking, I love it. Wow. I'm doing New York City pretty soon. But this will air after that. Should I not do Yuck Yucks?

Fuck. Fuck. I'm going to boycott. What? Hi, Yuck Yucks. Anyway, give her a round of applause, everybody. Thanks guys. I love you.

I love you so much. White guys. Follow us on Tiger Belly on Instagram, on Twitter at The Tiger Belly, and email us any questions or unhelpful advice at The Tiger Belly at gmail.com. Have a good day. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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