TigerBelly - Episode 183: Theo Von & Slampy The Dwarf

Episode Date: February 27, 2019

Bobo doesn’t know Disney. Theo takes 72 days off. Khalyla is the worst superhero. We talk Sneaky Chopsticks, pcp vs pvc, Of Mice and Marijuana, and Rikki-Tikki-Tavi.Bonus content every Monday:https://www.patreon.com/TigerBellySupport us by supporting our sponsors!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery plus No, I would love to happen. Yeah, cool. Yeah, man. I'm happy to be in here. Don't talk when I tell I introduce you, okay? Okay, it's just my little controlling thing that I do. No, you seem tired today. You're tired. Really? You look like you seem like Stevie's swollen. I look like a swollen my brother. Did you just get your side-shipped? Huh? No. Oh When are you going to Australia friend? We're in Australia in May. Wow. It's gonna be great. May, May, May, May. January, February, March, April, May. Also, it's a while away. Yeah, well, kind of, yeah. It's gonna be cold, too. It is gonna be. Did you ever spend any time over there? Yeah. Really? Did you just live with a man over there? What was it?

I'm actually pretty close. I needed a guy in Australia and I would spend time there. Haha. Whoa. Never mind. He sounds handsome, but check it. Did you read this? He played footy, Australian footy. Oh God, I bet he did. A rare mega storm. He played Dicky as well. Could flood dozens of cities in California reports that. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah. A rare mega storm. That news has been circulating for the last decade. Yeah, dude. That says, that says, that says, that says, 1999. That article. You know, it's so funny because the people that laugh at stuff like this is the ones that die first. Oh, I'll die first. Okay. So, let's even. Noah's Arkit? I don't know, but I think that we should talk about this. Well, we should own a boat then. No. How many floors up are we? Three, but if it's a storm, we can't get, you know, food and. That's why I'm, I'm stocking up now on seeds and all that shit that you need. Really? Yeah. I'll buy soil. How much is soil? $10? I got soil money. What happens when there's no sun? Five, four, three, two, one.

Going down the street, feeling so good to me. Yeah. Yeah. Having fun with my friends to the end. Then I die. Welcome to another episode. What's up? You want to sing too? No, I think you're going to go faster. Yeah. You thought I was going to go faster? Yeah. You thought I was going to go faster? Yeah. You were going to go boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I fucked it up then. Me walking down the street. Me. Okay. Good. I like it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good song. You kind of botched your own lyrics. No, I didn't. It's being so good to me. Me walking down the street being so good to me. Yeah, you said feeling so good to me. Yeah, it's a different verse. German version. You know how they eat different countries of different versions? You believe in Germans or not? I don't believe in them. No. I think they're still a fucking theory. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But when I meet one maybe they'll change my mind. I've seen the movies. Sin Shin-Los. That's a good one. What's another German? Das Boot? You ever see Das Boot? I don't talk.

I haven't introduced you yet. Sorry. Okay. Risky business. Is that what you are right now? Risky business? Yes, I am. You're not. No, I'm not. You're not Risky business. I'm not, sir. I'm tired of your shit right now. I'm sorry, sir. Let me introduce everyone in the room, okay? Okay. Me, captain, the leader of the room. All right. Powerhouse 101. Yes. All right. Top of the tier. The one with the fucking mechanisms and the buttons. Who controls the, controls the vehicles that will dismay you. Oh. Okay. I am the one in this room and no one in this room is above me. Wow. So me, Bobby Lee. Okay. All right. We got here. We got the ugliest version of what might be. He's a virgin? No, virgin. Well, he could be. Yeah, probably. I could be. Really. Honestly, he could be. Yeah. He talked about, he started the incels. Look at him. Oh, yeah. I could see him doing something. Yeah. Yeah. You could feel him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Doing something real radical. Yeah. Yeah. So we got pirate, pirate, Ching Chong from the fucking Ching Chong boat. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then we got flat flat. And we got Gilbert and we have the dishonorable Bryce.

Oh, yeah. The dishonorable Bryce. And we have a very special guest. I can, I can, there's so many good things I can say about this man. He's, some people call him the Rat King. Some, I call him country country. He's a woodsman. Yeah. He's from deep, deep in the woods. Right. Well, they have moonshine. Oh, yeah. Right. And rope. They love rope out there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's glue, dude. Rope is just long glue. Right. Right. Right. Right. And you guys do funny things with rope. You know, what do you do? Saddle. You saddle things up. Saddle. Yeah. Yeah. McNets. Yeah. Yeah. We got, okay. And I'm going to introduce you now. He sold a lot of tickets in Australia. This guy is coming up in the world, not just in comedy, but in general. 72 days of pornography. 72 days off of more pornographer. Yeah. We just talked about it last week. Very proud. 72 days. If you guys smell a full bag, that's daddy. Is that you daddy? Is that daddy? Is that full bag? That's daddy. Wow. That's daddy. I thought I heard something when you walked in. Oh yeah. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. We got Theo Vaughan, man. One of my favorite people of all time. Theo Vaughan too. Right. What's up, man? Not much, man. You're good?

Nice to be here. And thank you guys for having me in your home. Of course. Beautiful here. Good to see here. Good to see you guys are still operating on a high caliber. Everybody's doing well. is doing well now how do you do 72 days without porn you know what you a lot what I did is I put the blockers on my phone science they have these scientific blockers and you get them and you put them on your phone in your computer and it keeps me off of pornography so I'm not seeing all of that spread and all of that pussy and everything yeah why did you think you needed to do that cuz I was masturbating all the pussy on there I mean not to be rude yeah that's what I was doing when I look back a man even told me so well

right down what you were doing and I then I wrote that and I look back I was like oh that's what I was doing right you think you're doing it more than the average person I thought I was doing it out of a habit so I would just be uncomfortable and I would know what to do with myself and so I go do that instead of like coping yeah instead of just coping or just having any it just like it wasn't like oh it used to be like oh man let me crack out a little bit of this pornography right but now it got to the point was like oh dude let me just do this and then do whatever it go on about the rest of my day but came a weird

thing oh like it's bad habit so you did it once a day you think no I was doing it maybe five times a week and making my body like it's work like it's work Monday through Friday yeah let's take awesome I'm taking no Thursday into a Sunday I didn't have a plan right so it's like working at a restaurant yeah it's like a restaurant yeah take shifts yeah picking up a lot of shifts and all of a sudden sometimes some days not not showing up for work yeah yeah I get it I get it yeah yeah because I I too have I think a problem oh yeah I've heard about that man and what do you mean everybody knows it for one I mean

look what happened here girls I you think I just just just jetted one in their eye bro my thing drips dude it doesn't shoot well that's what I heard the other the other day you guys said it's like two guys climbing out of like a truck that fell over on its side right right I said it best it was like winning two two tickets after winning ski ball yeah yeah a bigger game of ski ball yeah and just two tickets come out but let me ask you so what what happens to your body like like cuz I remember years ago I did I did I think 70 days without masturbating and now realize I had these on I'm sorry I wasn't trying to be

like that I didn't realize that I was like damn dude I was moody when I was like were you are you moody at all or what you know what's funny actually man I felt a lot more anger right I just realized that cuz I've been feeling a lot more anger recently and I didn't really I can't really I haven't been able to equate it too much and then I think some of it could be you know not masturbate I can I I want to be honest with you there is an edge to you as of late yeah I always equated it that you were like you have so much on your plate and that you're kind of stressed out yeah right but maybe now in retrospect if

I think about it it could be you not masturbating as well yep yeah yeah what's the end game here friend the end game for me you know probably have a little family somewhere oh you know or you mean tonight are you wait no I mean I didn't mean like your whole life oh yeah yeah yeah I just met like this masturbation deal that's what I'm at right I just want you to follow with it over the rage hump though it's just like you know quitting cigarettes and not having the nicotine you're just gonna be a shitty person for first couple days and then you know yeah yeah that's it yeah that's what I'm also trying to quit cigarettes right now two days yeah oh really it's

the two days yeah so I can see an edge oh yeah I will suck somebody's dick for a fucking just a rumor of mental but not you buddy yeah nobody who doesn't want it okay never him though right you do you know I can never imagine sucking your dick Gilbert I can't I would laugh too much while sucking your dick no I feel the opposite that you start grabbing hair like I also don't I think that men don't know how to grab hair properly and that's my thing there's a proper way and a not proper way to do it you're gonna do it grab it by the base and pull a lot of it don't grab it by the ends and then just pull chunks of it like you

need to have intention and direction yeah you know what I do the roots I go to the end yeah I curled it he told me he was like he was like oh you're a gay man yeah yeah you know what I like to do is I like to feel the skull and take my finger nose and make it a little indentation inside the skull so there's a little there's little bleeding going on I just grab it like it's a fucking you know me and soft watermelon yeah and I just grab it right there and then I do it he's never done that he is a gentle gentle I'm so gentle lover yeah I put fucking conditioner in my hand oh yeah and I put on the hair lightly like that

yeah yeah that's sleeping he is that sleeping koala in the bed that's good yeah I don't like to have a piece I don't even come anymore if I'm having sex you know I'm not coming I'm out of here yeah yeah you've stopped before oh I'll stop all the time if I'm a yeah that if for any more for me if I'm involved in the sex bro I'm not coming I'm out of there I think it's old-fashioned I'm gonna come around here and leave some idea that here yeah watching our forensic files to know that you come in your own car on the way home right it's old-school coming it's old school it's what you're saying yeah or I'll come yeah

you just see me back in the day coming up this bus another side of a kind of stoke a wagon yeah yeah yeah who's that guy yeah so you you get to the point of coming yeah you make all right I'll loiter around the point you know yeah yeah out there doing jumping jacks I don't give a damn yeah but I'm not busting that's for me yeah you got to really be somebody special I'm gonna come at your house yeah yeah yeah not anymore I did yeah you're not getting this frickin free spunk yeah and then here's a thing dude it's like just in case you come in the place yeah and then you leave and all of a sudden she gets

murdered yeah now your comes all over the place right a rapist and I'm a rapist too you know I didn't do it yet but your comes all over in her eyes and how about the skull the marks on her skull with your fingernails and I go right and all of a sudden I'm in prison for life right oh did I wonder how you would be in prison I wonder oh I would be a walking hole yeah it would just be look at that's is that a black hole and then they look at my face you know that's Bobby's ass it would just be dude people would just be in to carry your ass in Bosa like it be chained you would just walk around with the cheeks yeah yeah

with the eye like yeah like it's a dress like I'm bowing at like a ball yeah curtsy yeah yeah but those are my ass cheeks yeah I think that I would I'd be a bat flies out of it right right but I think we're telling ghost stories outside of it with a lantern that's funny but I think that like if you saw myself though yeah I'd have stacks of cigarettes oh yeah right I have all the wine like I have all the things because I'm gonna barter yeah I'm gonna barter for my butthole oh yeah dude right barter for this butthole yeah he's a little vest that says it right yeah but I bet I bet after a while right get your

motor but it's like an orange like safety vest so people know everyone knows because we're walking yeah yeah that's a good idea dude yeah I think I would survive though don't you think yes you which about I couldn't see anybody killing you you don't seem to the kind of person somebody would kill okay who is that oh it's me forecast 46 degrees and I just like to make that I like to know the weirdest thing like take this temperature of the room did you just press that button I don't know this yeah no it's not God it's your finger run yes Siri yeah it's Siri yeah yeah yeah

that's here what's the difference between Siri and Alexa but this is same concept same concept yeah yeah I like Alexa yeah she's cool yeah turns off the lights yeah there's Persian isn't it I wouldn't know why would you say Siri oh like Syria you know like Syria no like hey there's Siri she's Persian like that when you said like that yeah yeah yeah oh what you think Siri isn't a Persian name oh my bad yeah here's some little white girl named Siri yeah yeah that's true yeah why did they name that there's got to be other name Suri Cruz that's Suri yeah but that's not that far that's a black person apologizing for

some yeah man yeah prison would I'll probably because we just did a thing we talked about how Bill Cosby what he said it was an amazing he's having an amazing time in prison I can see that yeah why because he seems like an addict he seemed like something to have some problems sometimes those people just like structure they just want to be in a place right you know where they're comfortable he might be getting a little bit of sex sometimes those guys you can get conjugal visits and get that organized sex oh I see that maybe that's

going on but I think his first week he had like a chicken patty thrown at his face no he had two foods thrown a bad joke right yeah yeah yeah so he wasn't happy at first but now where was he at the fucking Omaha funny bone like I can see that's happening all of us if you have a fucking duck to chicken patty yeah you haven't really worked in the industry what is the worst I mean the worst is here's the worst when you're at a club it's Friday second show and you can just tell they're unruly oh yeah right and you know you know there's really not much you can do is just get through it right that's the worst fucking

feeling I think oh yeah you get those or no anymore yeah I get that I mean it's a bad feeling dude I like I don't like what are we talking about something we like or don't like what do you mean I know but I take the glasses off dude it's fucking sorry yeah yeah yeah now you're here yeah that's like a time machine yeah what the worst thing I mean oh they had a mental this was in where was this one time Texas I think Austin that a mentally challenged person started calling me the n-word from the audience no yeah cap city huh yep cap city right and so was I ever went there we're in the little room in the front uh-huh and

somebody just started yelling mentally challenged person started saying get off stage yeah wow and what you would you say you know I tried to convince them that you know they had the wrong guy right I would have got shut up chink right because he's not yeah right so if you're gonna play that game you're right return through throw out another fucking racist thing toward him right yeah and then it would have got a laugh maybe that's true yeah I don't remember what I did I think also a lot of people really immediately keyed in that this guy was mentally challenged you know yeah one time my first time in Houston I was the

first time I headlined after Matt you know this weekend actually with the improv yep and it's also a lot except for Thursday night late are you gonna kill it there you have you been there before never been you've never been there all you're gonna love it really yeah and then say hello to the manager he's a good friend of mine what's his name Raymond okay you're a man are you sure that's a lot of us mentally it's not it's not no no a lot of really challenged people are given the name Raymond when they are 15 if you realize they're mentally sounds like oh that's right we're from Rain Man you think from one night from

Raymond oh from Raymond yeah yeah he um he looks like a like he's a part of the atoms family oh really they kind of yeah what's like Gomer what's a no what's Gomez Gomez Gomer Gomer Gomer you know me well no the lead guy this dirty Gomez Gomez he kind of has her atoms man it's dark in this house day it's fucking dark man damn dad you look fucking dead yeah tell him I said hi though I will yeah tell him I said you're Raymond you're gonna love him he's a good dude really I love Texas you love Texas but the first time I went there it was after mad and my eight I was with Matt Blake and he goes um you got a headline we

because you're not making any money you got a headline I go right how much time do I do he goes 45 wow and I go I don't have it like I don't have it you can make it you can do it just take all your old bits mix it around right I'm not fucking can you do that's like the that's like a board meeting at a taco what new menu item are we gonna have let's just take all the old bits mix it around mix him around put fire coming off the side of the poster yeah that Taco Bell has five things I know they make 50,000 things out of it yeah they're very clever yeah right they take the hard shell they use the refried brains and adhesive when

when do you look at fried ray fried brains ago that's adhesive usually on the third day free holies boy yeah let's grab a fucking couple hits of free holies and hang these for you hang this drywall baby right yeah but so I second show dude literally at the first I did maybe 38 minutes and he was like nah that's not good enough the guy it wasn't Raymond at the time oh the second she was so rowdy I thought I did 38 I said good night I got off I did 12 12 minutes and I get off the stage and the manager comes in who goes you gotta go back out there right I go I don't have there's so rowdy I can't I have nothing

I can't do it yeah and he's like like you know rowdy yeah there's a lot of weights in the crowd and then I remember customers coming and going how come you didn't do it longer yeah like walk I remember it being so fucking embarrassing because when you have a name like that's why guys like you know Piven Jeremy Piven is now headlining clubs you know but he's not I mean he's been going up around town he's very entertaining he's very entertaining but imagine him having a rowdy crowd on a second show at a club that's packed because he's gonna pack them in right be scary they'd be scary dude it's tough it's a tough business but

they make you do it because you have a name yeah if you draw you know but guys like you know Michael Rappaport are doing it and they're like throwing them so that's why I like Rappaport I see him following real good guys he's not afraid because I think what he's doing is he's trying to like you know throw himself to the walls and he knows that that's gonna right help him get better faster yeah right yeah he's pretty fearless in this sense of putting himself out in those spaces because yeah I mean he's getting in lineups you know that are pretty wild pretty heavy line I mean the best in the world I think yeah I mean I've

seen him in lineups following dudes that are fucking monsters yeah and he goes up there and he does it you know and he's not eating and he's doing good you know I mean he's not he could be better yeah him in a stage in 20 years yeah yeah right just getting back into it and the shop did that too yeah shop you know you know obviously he got into it and he got fast good pretty fast I think yeah he's long I mean look he did he those guys are horror workers you know that's the one thing about it is like yes it's a lot of just repetition yeah like with anything you do it enough you can do it yeah so and then like I think the

ability to you know start to really do it as well as you can well can develop over over time you know yeah one thing that Piven has is he's very entertaining like he will hold like you were he's very like he can tell a story he's a good storyteller so you get it you're in there with him you know rapper port is extremely confident and loud and like you know so you go on these journeys with him he's really you know he's like six three or six four so you you know he's a larger-than-life personality so you go on these journeys with yeah so they have a lot of natural gifts that that'll definitely help them on the stage yeah

it's an interesting phenomenon because I remember the opposite I remember no obviously when you start off no one knows yeah you have no connection to anything too mentally handicapped people thought I was black when I said yeah yeah I mean you said you said about these open mics right and you do it no one's lap no one knows you and then if you eat it you get off stage no one consoles you because you don't know anybody oh dude and there was a fire I went to one time there was a fire right it was that uh yeah was this place yeah some probably Mexican restaurant or something right some some place you know or could have

been like some you know I don't know I've just said they had a fucking fire and then the guy's like well don't leave we're the only people there he's like don't leave we'll do it you know right after the fire yeah yeah yeah fire me want shame on you yeah yeah good manager but I saw and people you can you can rip up and see all you want people do and I have my feelings about him you know I'm you know I he's done good things for me he's behaved in three drinks we're in weird way you want to drink are you this for me really yeah they're offering yeah morning blitz dude morning blitz bro kill it you won't it yeah

that sounds like a very Hitler's plan yeah yeah yeah yeah that should be a drink yeah Hitler's plan yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh the double life hatch huh what happens is that what happened oh you are you're gonna cover both yeah you're gonna cover both I just do it yeah all right just to try oh yeah yeah yeah morning blitz yeah morning blitz right there so she got that morning blitz yeah morning blitz baby yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah there it is fine you'll be fine but the men see it dude men see it was on stage at the Addison improv there's a brick wall right mm-hmm and I was in the late 90s I was as

opener and some dude in the late what 1990s yeah in the 1990s what 90s would have been 1890s yep 19 1990s yeah yeah yeah I said the 19 part I don't know dude I'll just ask you for the 1990s what do you say but it's when I asked okay all right let me start then do my hands like poop no let me start let me let me have oh yeah this is awesome oh this like that game show do I this is like that african games or do I poop on me the game shows in Africa bro the second round you get you can get murdered my story you know no I want to hear more about it so 1990 late 1990s 1990s and some dude threw a fucking bottle on stage right

and then who like any like any dodged it right he did like a George Bush like he you know shoot they have and then um there's a riot literally like just saw table attacking each table the ambulance comes oh god right the cops come right now you're an hour and lights are on audience are still hanging out though people are taking like down you know witness reports I don't know how they do it you know I mean that's right this reports we'll go remember these to take people's word for it all right right oh yeah what happened and somebody just tell you what happened you believe them yeah yeah remember before you could even like

prove DNA yeah no CCTV no nothing and they used to just blank you know a lot of times back in the day they used to blame just black people a black I did it and they'll arrest the first one gets by killing but then also there was a lot of times real black I did it right but they but yeah they would pick up any black I and that kind of shit wasn't cool that of course it's not it's unfathomable it's a nice word call I'll look like one of the prettiest but also the worst superhero what's her name what's my superhero name two dead eyes what's her power I can

smell things really really well I have no eyes but anyway after the police can't laugh and the ambulance left and then she was scary Mencia said he's doing the show so everyone sat back down and he did an hour and a half but after like an hour of people I would have just said it shows over right yeah yeah but he didn't do it and he did it well you know so that's just one positive story out of a million negative stories about him you know he's always nice whenever I'm I don't know about he's always nice whenever I see him yeah he just got it yeah I mean he just said I guess he was taking material and that's what people

said he was doing did you know that he was doing that was it that evident or were you into it you know I think I honestly my my I don't know that much about it at all and when I tell you what it is and that was a lot of it but I think equally as bad was him bumping people back in the 90s so you know back you know when you you know did you you went up this weekend right at the store or last week sometime yeah what time do you get spots what 945 10 right yeah I'm more like 11 11 so if he gives you an 11 on spot right when you show up at the club you think you're gonna get up between 11 11 15 right yeah but back in

the late 90s if you're an 11 o'clock spot it meant people didn't even show up wow because they knew that they wouldn't be able to get up damn because they knew that Mincia or Eddie Griffin or some of these guys and they would do three or four hours on stage yeah they let him go yeah they let him go and they did that every night and there was like Mitzi just let him go yeah there's like four or five of them that were very bizarre that she would let him do that I remember one time Rogan and I Eddie Griffin went up for hours and Rogan and I were in the lobby not the lobby but out in the patio and we're just sitting there and

Rogan goes I'm gonna leave I mean you can't you just to think Joe Rogan what he is now you know I mean but they used to do it to him wow and imagine all the people that Mincia bumped he bumped I mean everyone that's big now right everyone that's a regular now at the store was the people that he bumped for years a lot of the resentment and hatred that people have has now it fueled them but it also made them hate the man oh I see over the years so that imagine when the guy was down from from stealing jokes and then people came out of the woodwork and said yeah I mean he's an ass right well yeah at that point yeah you

got everybody wanting to already be an asshole that's why I think we're very lucky to be in this new golden age of the comedy store yeah somebody's talking about being a golden age yesterday Do you watch any Disney movies or have you watched any Disney movies? I've watched Peter Pan probably I would bet four and a thousand dollars Did you watch any Disney movies during the golden age of Disney? I'm talking about Little Mermaid Aladdin. Oh yeah Ricky Tiki Tavi you ever seen that one? No. Is that an animal? Is it a rat? I think it might be a rat. Ricky Tiki Tavi can you look that up please brother? Yeah look it up bro.

Sand Dollar what's that guy's name? Sand Dollar Bill. Yeah Sand Dollar Bill. Love him. He was an arvaur right? Yeah bro. Yeah with that nose. Yeah man. Yimmy Buffett. Yeah that was a caterpillar. Ricky Tiki Tavi. Right there dude that's a good one. Ricky Tiki Tavi is a real oh it's Richard Clippling. It was a rat fighting a snake. That's Disney. That was like this right here. I'm the rat. Oh he's the rat. Am I the rat? You're the fucking snake. That's right. I'd rather be a snake. Yeah I know you would. You're the one that's being devoured. Yeah. How does that feel? Rats have nine lives you fucking creep. I'll be back. What'd you want to say? Huh? What'd you want to say? Crank but it didn't make any sense.

You know? Yeah. Oh did you hear this? Yeah Chappy. What does that mean? Oh nothing. So just a couple of glasses. My girlfriend wants to ask you. Hitting each other. Have you seen The Little Mermaid? Little Mermaid. Yes. Have you seen Aladdin? Yes. Have you seen Lion King? Yes. Milan? No. Okay let's fair three out of four is great. Not the Asian one. Have you seen Amistad? Yes. I saw Amistad. Yes. Scariest Disney movie has ever seen. Amazing. Don't row. Yeah. Don't row. Leave. Yeah. Yeah. If you don't want to go. Don't row. Don't row. But that was a brutal movie. Yeah but she's giving me shit because... I've not seen me single one. Aladdin. Have you seen Cinderella even? Sleeping Beauty. I'll tell you the story right now.

Cinderella. Cinderella. Okay. Who are her friends? Cinderella's friends? Cinderella had a lot of friends. She had teapots. Oh no that's Beauty and the Beast. That's Chip. That's Chip. That's Chipot. That's Mrs. Pot. She had animals to talk. Teapots also have every Asian rapper's name. My name is Teapot. Teapot. But the story of Cinderella is the Cinderella is that she is missing a shoe. Was Milan missing a shoe? Yeah. She was like a footwear issue at the beginning. Yeah. She had a footwear right? Yeah. There was another... Who were her enemies? The Wicked Witch of the West. Her step-sisters. Good. Her evil step-sisters. There's no Wicked Witch and they judged her. That's Snow White. Oh let's go to Snow White then. Can we go to Snow White? Let's move over there. Name one of the dwarves. Oh Slampy. Slampy? Slampy is a food.

Slampy? Dipsy? No. Sippy. Sippy is an alcoholic. Was one of them alcoholic? One of them drank a lot. One of them did drink a lot actually. There were sleepy, sneezy, dopey. That's what I was meaning dopey. Yeah. They had... Slampy? Slampy? That was the Asian version of the song. Yeah. I've seen some bootleg versions too. Just seven Slampy. That was Slanty. No that was Chinky Slanty. Nippy. Gooky. Finger Trappy. It's two dwarves stuck together. Finger Trappy. Two dwarves stuck together. Yeah. I don't remember all the different names. Small Dickie was a good one. That was my favorite one. Small Dickie. Yeah. That was a great version of that. But do you think a lot of people's dick grows as they answer? All right. When do you think a guy's dick stops growing? Probably in their 60s or 70s or 80s. That's false. You think? Can you look that up please?

But however, I did see a change. When I dated a guy in high school, his dick was much bigger when I saw him again years after. Oh wow. Who's seeing guy's dick in high school man? I was young. Well you know this is why I have an eye patch. Filipinos believe that if you see a dick you're not supposed to see you get a sty. Oh is this true? Really? Oh really? Yeah. Oh well that's pretty cool. Who's dick did you see babe? Julio, our dog. His dick's always out. Was it? Yeah. What's wrong? He doesn't have like a cap on it? He has a cap on it. It's just not a tight cap. Oh yeah. You gotta tie that for a cap. So anyway, by the time you reach 18 or 19 years old your penis isn't likely to grow much longer or thicker. Bullshit bro. I'm thinking about getting a dick reduction. Dang. That's not even true dude. Yeah I am. Dang. Really? Yeah. Is it big? It's pretty, it's definitely, it's growing. It's because you have a masturbated in like 90 days or something. No, no, no. It was growing before that.

It's fluid. It's cum juice. I don't know what it is man, but it better hear me now and get its act together. Yeah. Okay? And that's why I raised my voice. Yeah my dick has been like that's I guess since 18, 19. Yeah. Max. 18, 19? Yeah but I never looked at my dick and I went yeah there you go. Yeah. Right? I said hi and then you know what I mean? The dick is so dumb I think. It's like oh what is it huh? Oh again this dick you know. You know whatever get in these pants and shit. The whole idea of having sex and procreation and what your dick, your dick is there for, it dictates so much of your fucking life in decision making. Yeah. I almost wish that it was just no, an issue. Yeah. Mail your dick to Africa dude. That's what I would do, feed a couple of starving families. Or feed a starving, or two kids that are splitting up. One kid. Snack after a game. One kid. One kid. Yeah. And snack that's it. One kid in a meal. Yeah. It's like a bag of like you know. It's like dip. Oh you want to grind it down? Yeah grind my dick down. Yeah make it a dip out of it. Dick dip. Dick dip. Yeah. Bob is dick dip. Yeah. But you know what? A lot of times it's intrusive for your penis. Yeah. Yeah. And I've made, you know why do you buy cologne?

Why do you do? Your dick seems better. Yeah. I mean long you know. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. But you're always trying to impress somebody. It's like bullshit man. Yeah. Or you're getting like little things put near your dick to like take the attention away from your dick if your dick isn't like a good size or doesn't look that great. Right. Like big cars. Yeah. You get like a big car tattooed on your thigh. Look at that fucking big car. Yeah. Yeah. Next thing you know they just have a small dick. They're married to a small dick. I was thinking about getting a tattoo on my dick of a bigger dick. Oh wow. Do you think that would work? That'd be cool. Yeah. Yeah. You could do it I guess. You'd have to. I don't know how you would do it though. How does that work? Yeah. You need extra canvas. Yeah. Right. I don't have it. Yeah. You got to get. You got to. Extra. But let me say this though. Is there like some sort of like. Like can I use CGI. You can just lighten your dick because things that are lighter look bigger. Yeah. When you're a tanner you look lighter. That's why you look like you have a pale dick. Yeah. You could tan the area around your dick and just lighten the middle part. That's true. You don't even need to tan your dick. You just tan the surroundings. It's just like why my teeth are so white when I'm tan. Yeah. Oh yeah. It's not because they're any whiter. It's just because I'm tanner. Yeah. My dick will just look whiter then. No. No. But wider things look bigger. Your teeth don't look bigger when you smile when you have a tan. What? But they do look more engaging. Your dick will look more engaged. Yeah. That's what. Okay. More exciting. It's just the same reason why you shave. Right. Yeah. It's to give the appearance that there's more. Yeah. Yeah. I have been shaving because it just feels you know like I can say hi.

Oh yeah. You look a lot better when you shave. Yeah. Yeah. And most guys do. You look less scary kids don't cry when they see. Like a baby will cry if you have a lot of hair on your face. Yeah. Who's biggest digger. George or Bryce. Who's biggest digger. We didn't need to ask this. No. Honestly. I'm gonna say this though. George has that straight up mullet coming in. Yeah. Honestly. Have you. Have you seen George's penis. Has he seen yours. You've seen George's penis. I've seen George's penis. Yeah. Oh yeah. I have too. But I've never seen his. Let me see something. Be honest. Both of you. Who has a bigger dick. Never seen hard. Never seen hard. No it's flaccid. Oh that's different. Then who has a bigger flask. Yeah. That's true. It's weird. There really is a difference. Oh he's being nice. These guys are massive. Really? Oh really. I can tell. That guy's got a real dura flame on it. Yeah. Unless it shrinks when it gets hard. Well George is in this room. We've seen his dick and his dick is big. Your dick is okay. Bigger than mine. Your dick is definitely big. Way bigger than mine. But I think that Bryce probably has a bigger dick. Bryce seems like a guy who definitely brings a big dick to like a knife fight. And no knife. Oh yeah. No silverware on the man. And that's crazy dude. You should get your act together. Yeah. You definitely seem like somebody that could be like a Ted Bundy but an athletic one. Like you could have played center. You could have played center on Ted Bundy's basketball. Great team. This guy is very tall. You guys can't see him. The guy with the big dick. One of George's family members who knows how big each other's dicks are. He's a very tall guy. And he seemed like a nice guy man. I'm just trying to give you. I'm kind of giving you a hard time today.

I love how he gets mean and then he's very polite. Southern hospitality. Some people don't know if you're joking. You don't know if you're joking unless you remind yourself sometimes. You know. Yeah. I'm not sensitive in that way. I mean people rip on me all the time. Yeah. Right. You're like that too. Right. Dude. You. Yeah. There's something about you when you see you have to make fun of you. Yeah. You know it's so funny. People do it all the time. Yeah. Everyone does. But now I think you it almost seems like you want it though. It's like you kind of like you bring it on. You know you want that. You want to be kind of. Yeah. Because it doesn't you know growing up you know as a kid and people used to call me like you know chopsticks or whatever. Yeah. Stinky chopsticks. Stinky. Yeah. Stinky. Yeah. Yeah. Or like they would go or they would make fun of me and I used to come home and go dad they make fun of me and he wouldn't give a fuck. Yeah. So you're in America. Yeah. You know the whole thing. Right. And then over the years you have to figure out a way to survive because you can't live like that as a victim. Yeah. Right. So then you once you accept the fact right and you grow a little skin and then you fight back with words. Right. It's fine. Then you're able to exist in the world I think and that's what I'm like at the comedy club clubs in New York. It's the same thing. When I do radio like with back in the day when I used to Norton Patrice all those guys I'd be in a room with gradually all those guys. Yeah. And they would rip me a fucking arm.

You know what I mean. Baby arms little I mean the whole fucking thing. Right. It's going to be baby arms right. Fire boy. Yeah. Fire boy. Right. And the first time I did it with them I was so sensitive about it. Wow. But the next year I went back armed to the teeth. Yeah. And then they respected me and then you know. So yeah people make fun of it but it's not. They can't get to me that's where they can do it. Yeah. You see another fat Asian guy you can't go up to him called him Ching Chong. Yes. Sure. Right. They'll get mad. Right. They get upset and they don't know how to handle it. You know how to handle it. No. But I also you know I don't let strangers do it. No. Like when if I'm on stage I get off and an audience member and thinks he can talk to me that way. I was good. Dude. No. Yeah. Right. I don't know you. Yeah. I mean it's not called me like you know new print or whatever you want to call me. You get a lot of people feeling too familiar with you. Especially since the podcast. Yeah. Sometimes I get what gets me that bugs me. I don't like real drunk people coming and talking to me because it just makes me feel uncomfortable. They're not going to remember it. It feels false. It doesn't feel fake. I feel like they have some desire to engage in a chat and whatever you know. But if somebody's drunk it just makes me feel like I don't know. I don't like it. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even know why I feel the same. Also the big big white dudes get aggressive with me. Yeah. Like all I can see that they come up from behind me and they'll grab me by the neck and pick me up. I'm not kidding. Oh yeah.

And that's why a lot of times you know you know I want to go out. Listen to Tiger Billy Franfans. The nights I go out to see the audience is usually guaranteed. The last show which is Sunday or Thursday. If I'm doing a one show I will go out and I'll take a photo with every single person that's there. Right. But the first shows on during the week I don't do it because I don't want to cross mingle between the people leaving the show and the people entering. Yeah. Sometimes you know you're taking photos after between shows and then people from the second show will come in and then you have to do double the work. Yeah. Right. Right. And then you do the second show and then the same people that bombarded the first so they come back. You know it's too much. Now they're drunk. Now they want a picture and they want a drawing of you. Yeah. Yeah. They have to stand there. Yeah. Holding a wine while they fucking four of them draw a picture. Yeah. It's definitely it's crazy because I used to do a meet and greet after every show or just like you know meet with everyone after the shows and then I just started. I just started to get like exhausted. I couldn't mentally even handle it. And so yeah. Now I have to do. Yeah. Almost like every other show. It's a it's also a weird thing. Do you ever think this is and I think this all the time. I'm about to go up on stage and you know the room is sold out or whatever. So there's hundreds of people and they paid. Right. And the reality sinks into my head and I go what the fuck. Like I don't feel what I'm supposed to feel by being up there. I don't feel like a headliner. I don't feel you know you just kind of go. Wow this is almost overwhelming. Do you ever feel that way. Yeah.

I mean if you think about what you're actually doing. Right. Right. Like I'm gonna go up there. Yeah. I feel like it becomes this sort of job. It's just like you know how to do it. It's like clocking in for work a lot of times. Yeah. You know how to do it. Sure. It's engaging but it's like it's almost this alter ego that kind of takes can you know takes on and then you're able to engage more as like a human whenever you get done with doing the job. It almost feels like two separate things a lot of times. That's an interesting when I get done. I'm like glad it's over because like it's fun and I'm glad I'm able to help you know be a part of people laughing. Yeah. But it's also like you know it's just a lot of it's just a lot sometimes and I'm just I always just feel like glad that it's over. I never want to be up there for like those guys that step there for hours. It just seems so scary insane. It's fucking insane. And then people think what is it like you then you're in a right aid right after the show you're on the road. Oh yeah. To get to the first right. Yeah. You're just going through a right. Yeah. Right. And you're like what am I going to do tonight. You know it's just and I used to make shapes. I would get like extra pillows and stuff from the lady that works at the motel and the sheets and extra sheets and make like shapes of women and like really. Yeah. Not all the time. Yeah. Sometimes if I would have had some good show. Yeah. You know I wouldn't fucking celebrate for nothing. I wouldn't that kind of creep. You know I'm not just fucking you know molesting. I'm not just molesting a laundry bag just for no reason. I'm only fucking put you know I'm putting a lady together if you know if I deserve it. Yeah.

My dad owned a clothing store one time he yelled at my brother and I and said because we so stored like broken mannequins in a storage room with the new ones there too. And one day my dad goes how come there's a hole down there. Like somebody put a hole in a mannequin. Oh yeah. Yeah. Somebody was fucking a mannequin. They used to do that. They fell in love. We were like I was like I didn't do it. But I did it. You know. Yeah. I didn't do it. Yeah. Very small. Maybe aunt have been getting in here. Maybe aunt or one wasp. I've been getting into this mannequin. Is that an Asian accent puppy. Was your name actually poppy and then it's Bobby and English. No what is it. What. Because Koreans the bees and the peas puppy. No. My real name is how many. How many little newborn dogs come and people call you like a puppy. Oh puppy. My name is song. Is it really. It's beautiful. Do you think so. Yeah song. Song and my brother's name is Kwon. Oh God. Yeah I know. That's why his name is Kwon. Go on on Instagram. Yeah. Kwon on Instagram because that's his Korean name. And I'm song. You know and song means success I think that's what my mother is going to mean. I don't know. Rash. Yeah. I can see that. Yeah. Blindness. Hey puppy. Yeah. Well I don't know. Hey puppy. What's up. All right. Is that Steve. Yeah I love him. Yeah.

That guy's great. I gotta go over there. Somebody said they were doing a blood drop for him. He doesn't need blood does he. Yeah somebody sent. I thought maybe I've misread something. Yeah. He doesn't need blood man. No. Oh good. Good. Good. Yeah. You have siblings too though. How come we've never met him. They're gonna my brother's going to come out here this year for. Can I meet him. Disney World. Yeah. How old is he. Older younger. He's 38. He's an adult. Yeah but is he like you. What is he like. No he's kind of he's like goofy. I mean he would think it was funny you know being like in this kind of universe I think but he's like he's kind of goofy but he likes you know I don't know he's like a smart guy. I know but when he comes. Yes. When he comes into town. Oh yeah will you bring him to the comedy store. Oh yeah I'll probably bring him to the comedy store. Right. Will you let me know that he's so I can show up. Oh yeah I'll bring him. Yeah I'd love for you. Does he look like you. Yep. It looks like me a little bit. His name is Zeff Z E F F Zeff Vaughn Vaughn Karnatowski. You guys have good names. But that's your last name. Yeah. I didn't know your name last your last name is Karnatowski. Yeah. What is that Vaughn Karnatowski and Polish Nicaraguan. Yeah. Of course isn't Vaughn isn't it Dutch. Honey who knows you know somebody fucked on a boat I don't know how it all happened to be honest with you. Yeah I'm no land animal. I know that. Yeah. I'm curious about your dad because I know we both have old dads. Yeah. I met a man last time at a meeting and he had a very old dad. Seven years old your dad was right.

Yep. 1910 my dad came here in 1922. He came to America from Nicaragua. They was mahogany farmers that was over there doing mahogany. He must have been a handsome man. He's pretty handsome. You know he had looked a little he was you know he was starting to fall off the bone a little bit to be but to be 70. And your mom was cute like she was young. Yeah. My mom was an eight. Your mom was a rural nine a rule. Yeah. La seven. Yeah. I would say La seven. Yeah. And she was young right. She was what 20 30 32 when I was born. Wow. He was 70 when you were born. Yep 38 year difference. Wow. You beat me. I thought I my parents had the biggest age gap because my parents are 36 years apart. Wow. Really. Yeah. Wow. Oh you're real dad. My real dad. Yeah. Not Roger Roger Roger is not real. Yeah. I'm just fucking handsome. You think so. I think so don't you. Roger was actually really cute when he was younger. Yeah. I'm going to see photos because to me I just see the silk surprise. No I honestly because when I see him I just see an old white dude. Oh man. You got to look deeper than that dude. I don't go behind the eye. I don't go behind the eye of surface with white. Yeah. I know that he's a draft Roger. That's all I know. Oh is he really. I told you that. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I could see that. Yeah. Yeah. He was a bone spurs. He's an activist. Always an actor. He's hippie. Oh yeah. He's hippie. He wanted a party instead of fight. Yeah. Some people wanted a gun and some people wanted the pipe. Yeah. That's what I heard anyway. It was like the Dodgers really wanted a party.

You and I you were a pipe guy or fight guy back then. I'd probably load my gun with a couple of grams and just shoot him right at my fucking nose boba. I think I'm somewhere in the middle. Yeah. Whenever I see like movies on Woodstock or anything like that. I just knew. No I would I died. Yeah. Just the way I did it even without like outside I did it in a different era. Yeah. Drugs and alcohol. And I did it so hard that I could I probably be just be dead underneath Jim Morrison's dead body in a bathtub. You know. And why is that Asian guy. I don't know man. He was just there. Yeah. He was there man. He was on a bike. Get from a sell a bicycle. Yeah. What a fucking crazy guy. Yeah. I would have in that era. I would have been just fucking alone. Also the kind of pure drugs that they had back then. Like I'm pretty sure it might mean that the weed the weed is probably stronger now. Oh yeah. We had that brown frown. That's all we smoke. Right. Right. Brown frown. Yeah. Yeah. That doodoo. Yeah. But back then they had drugs that PCP. I mean there's drugs that yeah. Yeah. Crazy. Oh yeah. PCP. All kind of shit. Angel does. I don't even know what that's where you get that PVC. People just fucking smoking. You know long pieces of plastic.

Yeah yeah yeah. I fucking burn anything and smoke it. I'm a PPP. Yeah yeah yeah. When I was in high school we fucking burn anything that would fucking burn and burn in a pipe and fucking smoke. If you could. I mean. I mean in a different lifetime if there was a drug that you could try one of the newer ones like flock a or spice. Would you try it. Crack. I would do crack. Oh yeah. I never got to smoke crack and I feel like a wish I would. Yeah, I see how one can probably want to get into yeah Dude my show was always hiding behind something. Yeah, there was no nothing around I'm fucking go Yeah, I think I could see us too in a burnout building like doing that Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're snakes

They eat people they're like, you know, they have the bath salt. Oh Yeah, I don't want to do that much. It's way too much for me. Yeah, good. What if you need your buddy? What if he has a fucking directions to somewhere you guys do a couple hits of Fucking you know, you come to you fucking eight half of your buddy. Yeah, you're thinking I can't get to baker's field Jesus man, I'm never gonna be able to find my iPod Yeah, cuz fucking Lawrence knew where it was. Yeah, and now he bled out Because you can't say into somebody eating half of his fucking arm. Yeah, but you how much sobriety do you have now? I got probably two and a half years. I just drank this thing

But two and a half years ago, you could they had crack back then I know I just forgot to smoke before I got all right Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of that. You know, it's funny because I had a two-year window when I relapsed Mm-hmm, and I could have done anything I wanted, but ironically I didn't go to The ones I desired during the 12 years I had sober like LSD mushrooms. I never did any of those I did a couple of times Ecstasy mm-hmm, and I just drank and smoked pot and that's it Was it fun when you went out? You know in the be no, well, no, I took Vicodin too

So I did you know 65 goodness a day, but um, so that's what would drove me down, but um fun Yeah, it's not a bad question. That's no no no. I'm not what it's can't even remember. Can you even remember? I do remember. I'm telling you right now. I have a fucking Computer that doesn't work grams in the living room Yeah, I have a computer that doesn't work Oh, wow, and I want to go to a shop to get it fixed because I have videos I know they're on there of me fucking chicks. No no no of me because that's illegal

of me Out of my mind. I remember when the technology came out with cameras and stuff. I remember taping myself I don't want to see that doing drugs. Yeah, and and I also taped myself during my Vicodin withdrawal So I remember on screen crying Telling myself like the bodyguard sounds like the end of the bodyguard. Have you seen that movie? Oh, I thought you meant the show so good. Is the show good? So good. Is it about Whitney Houston? No You watch Game of Thrones. It's the guy who plays rob stark

It's about a guy coming back from the um from afghanistan. He has PTSD and now he has to be the the private bodyguard to um, um, a high high ranking politician Who who has opposing views as him And is Whitney Houston and is Whitney Houston. Is it really? Costner it is a cameo. No, no. Yeah, how they steal the name of the show The bodyguard has been kevin costner jumps in front of a bullet. Oh god, such a great Whitney Houston doesn't get hit by it Even though years later. She does a bunch of she overdoses in a bath. I mean, it's not there. Oh, yeah Where was he then? Yeah, where was he then?

But did you don't watch Game of Thrones? No, I don't watch that kind of stuff What do you mean? Just people fighting in the past and all of that Wait, I'm more like a historical document about the past Is it something that really happened? No, it's not Yeah, I don't watch this a bit. No, it's not that kind of stuff, bro Well, I should maybe I'll read up on it a little bit. No. No. No. Look at me. No No, I know when you know, dude, I'm tired dude. I'm tired too, man. What time is it? I know I know my arms hurt too. No, no, no, you're gonna do a couple more minutes. Yeah, I am

You're gonna do a couple more minutes while I grill you. Okay grill away, dude. I will dude. All right Man, I'm tired of your shit wake up with the king. Oh, this dude's fucking making burgers over here I'm tired of your shit right now. Because you liked you know what you like to do You like to destruct me. I do. Yeah, I'm sorry, man. You're fucking word games, dude. No, I do not Yeah, you do. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. What are some techniques? Don't do that again either. What is that? Take this away from Yeah, yeah, piece of glass hitting each other. You've had too much morning blitz. Way too much morning blitz, dude Way too much morning blitz, bro. Yeah, he's starting a fucking hell of an afternoon in my ass, bro I will say that, dude

What I'm saying is daylight's fucking savings time in my asshole right now Yeah, but you know, you look nice tonight. No, don't don't do that. Don't do that right now. Don't do that right now No, what I'm saying to you is this. Okay This is this Okay, is that what I say that a lot, right? Yeah, I'm sorry. No, don't be apologized. It's not a bad thing. All right is It's a great show. I think you'd really like it It's like in terms of pop culture. I think there's not a better show out there What tiger belly? No, I mean game of thrones. Oh, yeah, I haven't seen it. I know you have

Wow, I don't see what are you doing No, I'm not gonna let him do it. He's not gonna groundhog yet. You have little I know what you're doing defense mechanisms that you do Right, and then you try to divert me and I go. Oh, yeah, okay. I guess it's like Jedi mind tricks. I'm jabba It doesn't work with me That you're fucking shit. I didn't do it I don't see that

I'm not accusing you of doing anything dude. Oh my god. I don't know. You're not a dummy You're a bright young man. Oh, you you watch it You watch it. Yeah, you watch it dude guy. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, what are these prescription pills on the table? Yeah, it's fucking for my a panic attack. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah It's actually for his high blood pressure. Oh really? Yeah. High blood pressure. Yeah I do. Dude. I'm about to stroke out back off the tea. What is that on drug that they're always putting in uh Asian people's food MSG. Yeah back off the MSG daddy

Yeah, they're fucking putting speakers in your car and fucking sipping on soy sauce dude back off What? That's actually good advice. You should scale back on the soy sauce. I'm gonna scale back on the soy sauce Okay, well, right now. We're getting somewhere. All right, but I listen Right, you gave me a suggestion. I listen. Yeah, I'm sorry. No, don't apologize because there's nothing to apologize for All right, you're gonna watch Game of Thrones. Okay, I'll watch it Every episode. No, bro. Yeah, bro. No, uh, yes. Okay Oh, yeah, yeah, shouldn't have said, okay. Yeah, you said okay, and that's a promise. How many episodes are there seven seasons? Fuck man, how many seasons to ten seasons in an episode

And what's it about? It's about the past Fighting in the past I got fucking shit to do man. No, no, no, you're gonna do it. I'll watch some of it Do we have some questions, Gil? Yeah. Now, Gilbert, what are these things? We're gonna answer some questions from a patreon. Thank you guys for having me tonight too, man Are you on your mind? You're a favorite. Go ahead. Uh, this one is from our patreon listener Mike Nussi Are you a standing or sitting wiper for everyone in the room?

That's the craziest question I've ever I've never heard of a standing why people stand to wipe. Yeah I don't even know that's how fucking I don't remember people in the jungle. We'll think about it The last time you know, I don't I it's so it's like breathing. How do you breathe? I don't know. I just do it Interesting. Yeah, right. So I don't know if I go forward You got to go forward lean like this and you got to prop a bot up and you go from front to back You never go back to front and I know that sometimes you have in the past because yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, I go back to front usually. Please don't yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because I want my I want my nuts to look like zebra nuts Oh, you want the strike? Yeah, I want the strike pattern. That's right. That's right. Oh, yeah

Yeah, you want You want that uh, yeah, what's that um herringbone? Yeah, no, I you know what no, this is what I do when I when I wipe I do this This is my favorite. What is she knows when I when I poop I put the faucet on a little bit Oh, yeah, that's an old trick a little bit and the reason why I do that is because in my bathroom over here I take toilet paper and I reach over I wet it a little bit and then I go calm your ass I yes a comment. Yeah. Yeah little warm water and I go from Front to back really? Yeah. Yeah. I don't see you doing that. Yeah. Yeah, I do

And I I'll put my cheeks a little bit and I try to get in there and you know what else I do Oh, wow, and I sort of gotta do this. It's very much. It's like the learn. This is like a qvc Right and yeah, like I'm gonna buy a watch at the end. I take the toilet paper After like the second one and I make a little like um Um, statue like a little origami thing of what Rosie O'Donnell? It looks like Rosie. Yeah a little bit How do you know? But and I I wet it and I I go inside the two just to enter Enter the like the little two part. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

I don't I don't get it at all. So anyway, give me the next question. That's crazy. That's a crazy one. But the standing things are weird thing. This is from patreon, uh Uh demonte ward for everyone in the room has becoming successful influence who you are in a positive or a negative way What is the question again? Of course the law the divante div uh demonte Demonte is that okay ward for everyone in the room who has becoming successful. It's it's it's like this I used to work at um A restaurant Sears. No, no, it's gonna get a restaurant Called the Brockton villa very sad and I would and I would go 10 minutes before my shift

I'd go on and say hi to the manager. Yeah, I would hug some of the bus boys. Jesus. Yeah, you get me too now I know now, but back up. What's up, dude? You know what I mean? And then um, someone will tell me like what section I'm in. I mean what not, right? Oh, yeah And you have this these people you work with. Mm-hmm. It's the same thing in comedy, right? You go to the comedy club and you see Eric Riffin, I'll slap his ass I'll go over to the uh, what's up, dude? You know what I mean and do that whole thing to me I I haven't changed it doesn't feel like so you feel like it's affected you positively only I don't think it's positive or negative. I just think that I'm just living a life

And but but at the same time You know, if I'm at a restaurant, I don't feel differently at a restaurant. I don't think so no net gain I don't think there was any net game. Do you What's wrong dude? Nothing. I don't know. I'm thinking like I mean, I think it's just a little bit You know, I guess it's kind of spooky, you know, like in some ways If what is the question again? He's gonna do it again. I know you're doing his thing, but it's okay. I cannot remember the question. Do it do it again, dude Demonte war

Which is the name that someone obviously made up before I got here Has becoming successful influenced you who you are in a positive or negative way. If so, how? That's a good question. Demonte war So demon for short Very scary. Um, well, thanks for the question. Demonte what I'm saying is this I don't know man. I think it's very scary I think, you know being successful can be very scary because I think that like your ego can be very scary, you know Yeah, so that for me is like very

It's really really spooky And so for me, you know, I feel like it's just a little bit scary, you know, it's like, okay Well, if I'm getting more successful like You know, you just I don't know. It seems like sometimes a lot of pressure but also, you know And sometimes I feel confident about it. Like I want to You know go achieve my dreams or whatever my goals are And other times I feel like scared about it. So I think some of that's normal

But that's kind of what I think about it. I think it's a bigger change when you see guys That start and then they shoot up quickly. Yeah because for me I've always been at this light level of kind of kind of people know who I am. Yeah Yeah, so I've been like this for 20 years Since mad, right? So, you know, I was on a show and that's when it first started. It was cool I'd go to this West Covino Bob said this before just to get recognized. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it felt good But it never went above that level. Right. It's always been and then there was times a couple of years there

Why didn't work that much and it died down and then you have to accept that And then now it's kind of getting back to, you know The level that I was used to which is Very polite people Everyone's like the other and they were driving some guy took a photo. Yeah weird things like that gay men usually a gay man Yeah, but yeah, I don't think so not for me, you know, I think you're you haven't changed Yeah, I feel more stressed out, but I think most of that's just more work You know gonna used to be able to not have to really think about that much work and just have to not think about that much

And now I got more stuff to think about And so it's exciting, but it's also It's kind of stressful But some of it's transition period and you you know, so I have to recognize that and just be patient with myself And we'll take one more from uh email from paolo. Oh paolo from brasil Maya, who was who was the weirdest kid you remember from your childhood? And what did they do that made them weird? The weirdest kid for my childhood. Oh, dude, I'll tell you who it was, bro

Let me think about who was you tell me who was I got it Well, you know, I um When you said that question I thought to myself. I don't didn't know anybody Which made me the weird kid Like I was the one people thought was weird I remember in in in middle school not even in elementary school. I lived in minnesota And the kids used to throw not snowballs at my head, but ice rocks. Oh, wow And they just used to as hard as they can just throw it at my fucking head. Why you collected them or something?

No, I don't no one collects ice rocks like oh, they were being mean He were being mean fuck my bad man. I was like, you didn't had an icicle collection at my home. I do you say you were the weird guy I can see you collecting ice and people were like, hey, here's another one Yeah, it's my head and I go, thanks Well, this one's shaped like roseo No, dude No, they used to do it violently I'm sorry, man

I would never do that to you dude if you were my friend I know you wouldn't I probably would have put you in like one of those little wagons, you know There's red wagons. Yeah, I know the right way. That's a chinese buddy on the side of it And I would hook you to my bike dude and put you all around tank. Oh, that's nice So it's like you you have a rickshaw for me. Yeah. Yeah, you're running a little bell Right. Yeah, and then I just go ah Chinese. Yeah, all right. That would be fun parade Or ballet people and stuff people throw you beads through your chocolates Yeah, yeah, you eat them, bro. Right like i'm a deity of some sort

Yeah, you're sitting there. That's really nice when we go on a big chocolate ride every day and you fucking just get all If I can chocolate some sweets and people come out and wish you well and give you baked goods Yeah, yeah, yeah, and if you like them and that means they're gonna have good luck And if you don't like them, then it's not gonna get too well for them. Yeah, so it's all up to you Yeah, it's up to me the chocolate rider. Who's the kid that you're screwing up? Who do we have? We had this dude named brian Brian pervis the first wig ever, you know, and they don't have him anymore They have a couple left. I think outside of maybe Cincinnati But he was like the first white kid that ever wanted to be black and they'd never seen it before

And they put him in a mentally handicapped classes because they thought he's mentally handed Mentally challenged. Is that what they used to do with wiggers? Uh, yeah. Yeah. Well, they didn't know they'd never seen it before Yeah, they put him in there. Wow. So they had people that were really, you know People that were just You know, didn't know what was going on. Yeah, people blind people that were, you know, free base victims all kind of stuff like that Yeah, and then you just had brian's uh pervis is dribbling an invisible basketball Just wearing a fucking charlotte hornet's pullover

starter pullover apex And just fucking, you know, blowing menthols and fucking yelling at people. Yeah They're like, oh man, we don't know what he has, you know, is brian still in the institution or is he out? No, he's out somebody sent me a picture on the other day. I think he's in prison somewhere He's in jail or in or out of jail, but yeah, I wish him well. He's a nice kid. He still looks the same at nice eyes I remember that he had pretty eyes for a young fella that Had a rare disease, you know. Yeah. Yeah But he was one of the wildest locally, you know, because people didn't know what was going on

We don't know, you know, yeah science doesn't know. Yeah, and he was just, you know, nothing was wrong He was just, you know, he bought Shakila and he was rap album and he just watched space jam all the time Yeah, and he listened to boys to men. He was just wiggled up I had a friend named Brady. He was the neighborhood kid And with one hand he could pull a stop sign out of the ground. Oh, wow He had like a subhuman strength Right, and then but he was also kind of retarded. Like you would ask him a question. He wouldn't even know what you're saying Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, like how how are you and you go and you just pull it out of the ground

Right, but I remember him. I used to use him to break into houses Oh, Jesus because he was to get marijuana Oh, wow, I would break into people's houses to the healers like of mice and marijuana You just use a mentally challenged kid Yeah, that's what it was. The fucking cop dope down there near La Jolla. That's a funny movie, huh? Yeah, let's make that movie, dude. Crowdfund, yeah Dude, we ain't making shit, dude. We're barely gonna fucking get this episode I mean, I feel you though. Yeah, yeah, I'll say that all the time. What do we have time wise? Uh, we're over an hour

Yeah, we're not done yet. We're not done yet. No, we're not done. You seem like you're tired. And you know what? You're gonna finish it Okay, I will I'm with you. Theo. I'm pretty tired. Yeah, you seem kind of tired. I know that you're ill and so I don't want to waste too much of your time Yeah, yeah, um, it's like Downton Abbey. I gotta be up at five in the morning. Do you for one Hawaii? You're going to why? Yeah, are you being on a spades movie? Yeah. Are you really? Yeah He just sent me a message. Did they offer you something? No, he said that they he tried to get me a spot in it. Oh, that would have been fun, dude That's crazy. You're gonna be in it. Congrats. It's just one scene. I'm a hotel clerk, huh? Hotel clerk. Yeah. Well, you know, that's great, dude honestly, um

Let's talk about David Spade for a second is um, he gave me a hat He is Honestly, that dude that dude. Let's be honest, dude. That dude. Is it me? Or is he truly one of the nicest people you'll meet? Nice, man I honestly like as soon as He I was introduced to him in like, you know equal footing

Like I didn't meet him, you know at snl. You know, I met him Since he was came to the company store. Yeah, and dude. He's only just been so fucking Nice and helpful. Yeah, and a kind guy. Isn't that cool? Yeah. He is nice. He's friendly. He is Yeah, he loves to just laugh. He liked that fun. He likes his instagram story. He's really funny, too He watched the bachelor. Yeah. Yeah, and he invited me over to the watch the bachelor one time at his house Very weird, but it was you went over there. Yeah. Yeah, you know, it was very fun It was just me sitting on the couch and him sitting behind me in a chair Watching the bachelor. Do I feel that's weird? Hollywood should like that too like one time

I know Russell brand a little bit and he goes. Hello come over with you and steve. I want to do some meditation And they had one of those big yogis, right? And I was I've never met it. I don't I don't I don't do yoga or meditate But there was candles. I was in a room with the Russell and steve. Oh and me and we're like and some bald-headed lady Russell Russell brown Russell brand a Russell brand I thought you were talking about the Russell brown, dude. I'm like, how the fuck, you know, Russell brown Who the fuck is Russell Brown? This guy that went to this rival high school in our town that used to fucking play Play half back or yeah running back. Yeah, like how the fuck, you know, Russell brown

But they don't fucking it's you know, some of them worlds don't fit together. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but you know in your head Even listen to me in your fucking head. Yeah, even if you heard Russell brown, right Normal people got there's no way so they would cut that out and they go. He's probably thinking of a Russell brand That's what he was saying Right, but in your fucked up head you went they know each other Fuck you man. No, fuck you Oh, man. Yeah, man, because that's what it is. In this sleepy ass kingdom, bro I come over here your wife's fucking half awake, bro

One of her eyes. She's still sleeping in half of her head. One of her eyes Still getting rest. You got this guy to fucking face it a deal this fucking Blood donor over here propping the rest of you guys up. I know this dude's fucking getting hgh for you Okay, you got big whites over here holding the fucking dicks down Yeah, I know. I know. I get it, dude. What's going on? I know I have a fucking system down there This is like a little kingdom Dark kingdom, bro. But let me say something right now, dude. Think it think for once in your life. Okay All right. That's all I want you to do dude

Look at me right now, man. Yeah I'm thinking right now. I'm a fan of yours. Oh guy What? Yeah, real Relax, bro. I think you've had too many fucking Nett, uh, dude nachos, but dude this brand right here. Can we get sponsored by bent bent bent bean fields? No, this is the best What I go to the store just to get these right It's made out of rice and beans the chips are rice and beans, bro

Yeah, well, I like chips that are made out of damn chips, bro Yeah, I don't like somebody that almost a bait and switch. Oh, it's nachos. Guess what's it fucking rice and beans. Fuck you, bro Yeah, you know I want the real shit. So anyway, um this week, when does this come out next week? Oh next week. Oh, fuck. Well You feel like houston thursday and houston didn't sell out But I will tell you guys that uh What's the week after? Ah the week after is

March 6th 7th and march 7th. I'm at the The I'm in boston And I'm in medford actually at the chevalier theater and then march 8th. I'm in at the wilbur And borgata on the 9th. Wilbur theater in boston. Yep. I played that once you did and then san jose march 21st 22nd and 23rd. That's a good room too. I'm excited. I'm killing it. San Jose. You've never done san jose

Oh my god, you're gonna kill it. You're gonna love it there. It's so much fun. It's a great hotel It's a great fucking comedy club. I've been doing there for 20 years that fucking place. Wow. It's the best dude You're gonna love it. Wow. There's an english dude that runs it an english student Dude english dude. That's another thing british man Stop I said english dude, right? You heard student You should have crossed that on your head dude He didn't say that

Probably said dude, dude. I like to give you the benefit of the doubt That's true, but I'll say this man, uh I love tired deal It's my favorite. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking about fucking buying some cigarettes man. You feel me Oh, yeah, you're only on day two. You need to get home. We need to get this. Yeah, we're gonna. All right. Anyway, um So he's gonna be in those dates boston all that stuff He's gonna be san jose all that's gonna say australia. I'm going to may it may australia He sold a bunch of tickets already

Um, thank you for having me. I want I want to also thank you for having us on yours program. Yeah, it was really nice Everybody really enjoyed it. Did they really? Yeah, we were worried that we were a little too. We were tired We were a little sleepy. We were sleepy that day too. Yeah, so I was a little worried when I left No, I thought that you guys were fun and it was just nice to hang out You know, that's the thing is sometimes I felt like the last time I was over here I was kind of tired and I wasn't you know, it's kind of out of it. So it's just like you never really know You know, I was telling collider. I know we're gonna end but uh, you know this week alone. I did nine podcast way like just

guesting on other people's In in hours, I mean you're talking for hours at a time and then you don't know what stories you told you don't know You know, I did dr. Drew and then we did yours and I did then I did we did Barton Gio Barton Giro's just a bunch, right? And you're just constantly doing it. It's a lot It's a lot man. We did one earlier today here. Yeah So you're just constantly fucking Talking, I think I mean, I'm gonna go to hawaii and I'm doing two weeks in the Philippines just to have You're going to family. I need to bring I need to break and will you see some of your family over there?

All my family's oh, yeah, all the flips are out there Yeah, yeah, and they come to they come to the apartment. They're like Hey, well, they're like, hey, welcome to the island like this. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah Welcome to the island We don't have eyes. We don't have eyes That's just what they look like. That's what they look like Really, Bobby? You might get in trouble for that. You might not be as well received. Yeah. Yeah

No, because the last time I was in the island, dude, they did a little dance for me. So that was nice It wasn't a dance for you. It's a dance for everyone. No, they did a dance for me. That comes through the airport It wasn't just for him. They had an airport shop Yeah, yeah That fucking tarmac Hit it. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, give it to you over on a round of applause everybody We have one final question from the slept king dem They want to know does the rat king if you had a choice between siding with delia

Or with the slept king in an all-out battle Who'd side do you take? Well It's kind of the choices. I feel like taking off the table for me because I know that bobby's already chosen to side with chris So It kind of leaves me out in the ether a little bit. No, it doesn't because I only did that So I can get you to side with me That's a reverse sidecology and that's funny

Yeah, one of the and that's not how it works. It does work that way. Okay, so let me think about this. Who would I side with? Um, but oh but before you make the decision Oh guys pleading his case before you make a decision think this dude. All right chris, right Who's in his entourage? Think about that me the people that are in my kingdom are very loyal to me. Are they? Yeah Who are they these people? Georgian is fucking cousin with a big

Yeah, right. So brice is it brice? Yeah, the divisions here. There is no Shakespearean divisions here, man. There's no backstab. Well, who does chris have? He has those dogs that the lady brings over just for his Instagram. Right, but he doesn't have Allies, but we already talked about how tiger belly split because you pledge your allegiance to chris and I pledge my allegiance to theo. It's true Because he was really kind to my family and my family loves you. Oh, well, they were very sweet. I love people's families So, um, yeah, theos theos. Oh one last thing about that too, dude Yeah, one last one last thing about that

All right is I I get it right that you're you have a comedy central show that you're gonna do Right, you guys help me out and I understand that but but I was I was yelling at moment earlier today. Oh good Right, and I was saying will we get the internet version? When that becomes a show you're gonna rewrite something. Oh, yes No, why would you Something better for the kingdom It helps if we were on network tv is better than internet the reason that my my dad my step dad No, we'll write a completely different thing without your stepdad. Okay, cool. Because that was just a nice fuck roger

It was a nice keepsake. Yeah Well, yeah, I thought you guys did a good job. You know, we have the duck Because I want to say this. Oh shit. Jesus. It's so fast. God your blood pressure is gonna go up. It is filled I'll take a pill. It's like a pill. Yeah, wrap it up baby. My bladder is overflowing. I know we're stopping right here This is the last thing. Okay. I swear. I got this on it. I'm gonna say this to you. Yeah, this is that I promise you this If I had my own show, you would be on it Yeah, I believe that

Okay, well that does it. Thank you P of on everyone praise god and the jury's still out on where who where the red kingdom lives brother I'll see you guys next time. Bye. Thank you. Thank you The jury's still out, huh? If you want to support your favorite podcast and get extra spanish bonus episodes Don't miss out go to patreon.com slash tiger belly. Have a good night guys Hey prime members you can listen to tiger barely ad free on amazon music Download the amazon music app today or you can listen ad free with wondery plus in apple podcast

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