TigerBelly - Episode 185: Craig Ferguson, Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

Episode Date: March 13, 2019

Bobo gets a gift. Craig is Hollywood’s highest paid actor per word. We talk Lithuania disease, Desmond Tutu, Australian William Wallace, The Drew Carey Show, and Asian Yoda.Bonus Philippines content at:https://www.patreon.com/TigerBellySupport us by supporting our sponsors!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Belly add free on Amazon music download the app today Oh Oh Oh Oh, that's the way let's okay, so I'm gonna do a countdown. I don't say anything until I see your name. Okay, Craig Fuck Do I do I have do do I look like I'm dying of some kind of water Has someone said that to you recently

Well, I I was just I I told them I just I put my mouth to something in the garden We'll talk about it in there. We'll talk about it. I'm very worried. We'll talk about the same things All right, because it's bacteria. We already talked about science later. All right, five or four three three Whoa, dude, it was my solo thing. Sorry. Why did you add a little bum bum? I thought you went little bells Okay, I was pretty good. I guess okay. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for next time I was just doing a solo run. You got it. All right. Welcome to another episode White fuck what what's up? You like took a shower and you like you did your hair Looks good man. Yeah, and then we got all right over here John now

We don't usually have them but take your hat off John He's got Hitler's haircut Look at it. It's what do you try to be pull pot? What are you doing today, dude? Take your hat off. Let me see Hitler's haircut. Look at that And what's Hitler's birthday? You told me that earlier 420. Who knows? Who the fuck knows Hitler's birthday this guy? John not us. We've got Gilbert in the room. We've got um We've got Kaleila and our guest is reading. Um, let me say something just don't say anything yet. Um, I just don't say anything You know, I'll be I'll be completely honest with you guys. Um, I I've had we've had pretty good guests on this show

Mm-hmm. We've had some rockers. We've had some UFC fighters. We've had, you know actors and whatnot. Um, it's a lot of comedians and This next gentleman. I used to go. I don't know why he doesn't invite me anymore to his show, but um But he can't talk right now Like he used to invite me all the time to a show and I'm like, oh cool I get to do Craig Ferguson's again, right? Mm-hmm. We never did his talk. By the way, by the way, never was invited to talk. You said my name. You said my name. No, I can talk. No, I can talk. I fucked up. I fucked up. Ah, you fat fuck. No. No. Fuck. Fuck. No. Listen, first of all, if you'd be paying attention I don't know how I stopped doing the radio show in May of last year. So that's why you haven't been asked on it. I quit last May Did you really quit that? Yeah, I told you I was gonna. Oh, that's right. You did say that

Yeah. So that's why I haven't been getting any calls. Right. Because I also have not been invited on my own show. Oh, you guys can tell your own thing. And the reason I'm reading this cold coffee thing is I'm thinking do I dare drink this? I feel I have to have something because I feel I might have a bacterial, waterborne bacterial disease Because oh, okay. I'm just gonna tell people. How did you buy this waterborne? I'll tell people. Okay, just he lives on a compound and then you go on Well, I live I live on a compound. I don't know if you guys know, but I'm very wealthy I live in a compound and I was coming out of my compound. It's actually it's I'm so wealthy. It's a compound I have two blocks from here. I'm coming out of my compound and I noticed one of my many garden fountains was blocked up now You know me. You know me. You love fountains. Bobby, you know what I'm like. I learned a block fountain. I go crazy. I'm like, what's the point?

Yeah, yeah, so I go to the fountain and there's a little tube, but it's a it's a lady hold. It's a you know holding out A water carrier. Yeah, it's usually a little boy peeing. No, no, no This is it's much more tasteful. It's a it's a lady in a toga pouring a jug of water into another jug of water People love this. Yeah, right. So I noticed that the little stream is not working. I go Ah, so I go to the fountain works the back and I see the little hose is disconnected So I go to connect the hose and it still doesn't work. So I think I must be blocked. So then I go And I put it to my mouth and I blow to see if there are leaves or stuff, right? Which you would do right and then I think this is insane

There could be bacteria in this water and now I'm concerned I have bacteria you're gonna get pseudomonas That's what I was thinking. That's I am going to get pseudomonas What is pseudomonas? Pseudomonas is a type of bacteria that lives in aquariums or swampy little areas But it can be pathogenic if it goes inside like the human body and I got it remember two years ago Was he really sick? Was it a fountain? I had to drain my breast. I might do that You drain your breast. I might have to I mean look it's either that or or have either fluid in your breast now or no

I do want to thank you my past but you will live to see another day. Okay, there are antibiotics too But this is my problem antibiotics are becoming less effective. Yeah, it's true All right, because if you your your body gets immune to it. Well, I know just the bacterias you are the worst Bacteria Is developed Craig. I know you I want you to finish your thought right, but I want to say this to you right now Yeah, um my nickname on the show is the slub king, which means it's the opposite of being woke I don't know anything. Right. So that is why, you know, you might Think to yourself this guy's dumb. I'm really glad you interrupted me for that

What I'm saying is bacteria is becoming resistant to antibiotics because bacteria evolves very quickly And the big drum big drug companies are no longer putting r&d money Antibiotics, do you know that? Do you know why? No? No. Yeah, because antibiotics cure you But yeah, I know they don't want to cure you. They want you to be chronically manageable They don't want to take the disease away. They want to give you a drug for the rest of your life That's why big pharma always blocks certain like breakthroughs in medicine that they never make it to the united states because why would they Give you something that they cannot supply or sell medicines for anymore

I ran into a guy at oaks by your house. It's a little place, right? Compa And there was a white dude there hippie-ish kind of guy, you know long hair And he was telling me about how they found a cure for cancer through like some deli like some sort of plant Oh, was it was it cannabis plant? Yeah My broader question to you is is that do you think that they have Like um cures from diseases that aren't in the marketplace that they're just hiding from the public for sure

Do you think so? Yeah, like even cuba has better control of their of lung cancer than they do in the united states People go to cuba to get treated for lung cancer. Yeah, that's insane to me Where'd you go with for the water that thing you think we got you know that thing that we got What is it called? pseudomonas Like minus craig. I also have pseudomonas You don't have pseudomonas. Don't you listen you can't say that word This is our word

Pseudomonas is our word. It is not your word. All right. Okay. If you were woke you would know that It's a good show You can say pseudomonas if you want to make you feel better some girl wrote in and said that she got pseudomonas from her contact lenses And nearly lost her vision. Whoa She's like that's serious stuff. So when you go blind, let us know Oh, man Also, um, when you see, um, you're fountain out working maybe hire somebody To take a look at it. You're not a maintenance. You're a racist man. Why because I did I say mexican?

You thought it you thought it mexican. Yeah, you did That that you did man. The probability of him being mexican is very high. You're right. You I could even say I I just know that when you said I should hire somebody work in my garden I can see you with your racist You gotta hire a mexican guy to do it because our lives aren't as important as yours You are the Liam Neeson of this canyon What the fuck did you just say to me? Well, you know, Liam Neeson just got busted for being a racist. Did you hear that? Really? Oh, yeah today. What do you do? Oh, you got a google. Have you got a google machine? Yeah, google google machine

What do you do? I put him it was bad. It was bad. Not Liam Neeson Yeah, he gave an interview and he said apparently that I don't even want to say it because I'll get into trouble just saying it I just because you know, people confuse me with Liam Neeson. There's just a lot of in quotations Uh racist comments, but there's a bunch of videos. I don't want to put the videos. Let's see what they said Yeah, this is oh Let's see what I'm saying. It's not good. He said he spent maybe a week walking your pubs with a heavy stick and hoping some Black bastard would come out of a pub and have a go at me about something, you know so that I could dot dot dot kill him I have a very particular set of skills

I will find you. No, he's wait. He said this on uh, it wasn't when he was drunk or No, he's context. No, no here what it was was he was given an interview for some movie and he it's a revenge movie It's a Liam Neeson movie where really, you know, something bad happens to somebody you love He's never done one of those before, huh? Never so he said that I think I guess interviewer said to him have you ever wanted to take revenge on somebody and apparently When he was young a friend of his was raped And he wanted to take revenge and apparently the rapist was a was a black person And so he decided he was you know going to go and look for black people

old responsible for this guy. I mean, it's bad Yeah That's right Jenny's a racist. Yeah, that's just a real life There Yeah, but although yeah, they are friends mace window. Yeah, and the green yoda is asian So you liked a lot of people back then. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but is yoda asian I I don't know

If I I'm gonna get So I'm gonna no look me in the eyes and be honest with me. Yeah is yoda asian I've never seen the movie so I can't you never see any star. I've never seen any movies Good deflection. Yeah, I I don't I don't watch movies anymore. That's their garbage Except for bohemian rhapsody. Did you see that? No, I was gonna see it last night. I cried like a baby all the way Is it that good? Yeah, it's just fantastic. We that guy the guy who plays at freddie mercury. Yeah, rami malin Exceptional. Oh my god. Oh, yeah

Yeah, he's like because I saw a clip when he did the live eight because I was I'm obsessed with the live eight thing I've watched it because it's supposed to be one of the greatest performance live band performance of all time Right. I was there. There's no way you were there fucking there. No, I know I made this Were you there? No, no, but I could have been there. I could have been there. It's conceivable Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were you were living in scotland. I was 22 23 at the time. Yeah, but you weren't it was that in england, correct? It was an angle. So that's close. Yeah, it's you know London is san francisco L.A. Yeah, wow, really?

So he could have gone, but you weren't fucking there All right, let's just say I wasn't now. You weren't a band, right? Yeah, but they weren't there none of that There was a lot of different bands. Why are you trying to embarrass? Yeah, I was music. I think I love embarrassing you You blessed a little bit. I did get a little bit. You did get me a little good Yeah, yeah, oh really? I think if I didn't have my lithuania, then What's the code that thing we have?

Yeah That's what it is. I'll have the lithuanians out before the bands call dare you What just FY just for people's information the band. Uh, okay. I was in a band called the night creatures I love them. Yeah all night of your album. Yeah. Yeah, uh, the uh, I was in a band called the dream boys Which you are? Yeah, yeah, dude. Yeah, it wasn't like a boy band. I want you to understand that. I'm a fuck boy. What does that mean? I don't know. I just know you're opposite of a fuck boy. You don't even know what that means What is a fuck boy? What is a fuck boy? A fuck boy is just a douchebag

Um self-centered they usually take duck lip pictures so bathroom selfies on instagram So like all those guys around the orchestra and LA Right guys who kind of just like casually just plow through women and with no regard of Ah, feelings or any of that just a shitty douche bag. There is are there any of those in LA? There's one It's got a couple. Yeah, but that oh where we live this our neighborhood like um hang out There is a lot of like weird dudes there to hang out there all the fucking time, right? It's didn't you think when you came to LA you like doesn't anybody have a fucking job? Yeah, like everybody hangs about all day and in coffee shops all day. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah

How could you afford all this coffee? Yeah, you know, I see there sometimes and I get really scared Christopher Nolan I know chris. No You do. You know, he lives in the neighborhood. Yeah, I know. Of course. I do. Yeah, I've known him for a long time call My speaker Wait, wait, so if you saw chris. Nolan, I'd say hey chris. And then what would he say? Hello, craig? He'd go. Hey, how you know, right? Would you hug? I just need to know what the thing is. He's pretty. She doesn't hug Right, but if you shake hands and try to text you without representation

Very good It's very good But is it one of those things where you go? Um, because I have certain friends There's hello, you have a hello But then it's like kind of just service and then you leave or or do you guys get into house the family and all that kind of stuff? Sometimes maybe yeah, actually I ran into his wife Emma the other day and we did all the families. She's more a house the family person. He's more a kind of hey Yeah, I'm thinking about things

We did we did have a conversation because I don't know if this is kind of out of line me saying this but I was talking to Emma about I don't have a browser on my phone and I don't do any social media and I don't go on the internet at all Anymore and I was talking to her about that and she said, yeah, god I want to try and get off that too. He said Christopher. It doesn't even have email He's like totally doesn't touch it. No, wow He says that just gets in the way So how does he I know you don't probably well don't know this but how does he get information? Probably from Emma. I would imagine. Oh, wow

So like because he's a director, correct? I mean, he's one of the biggest ones in the world Yeah, I would say did you know him when he was before memento even no? No, I did not Oh, yeah, yeah, I wouldn't know in the past few years the last couple years. Yeah Now, so what are you doing now? You're are you doing because I looked it up. Are you on the road now? I just did a tour. I just finished the tour. Oh, I know wait. I'm doing a bunch of dates I'm doing LA brace soon for the first time in my life You can do stand-up in LA. Yeah, well at the will turn. No, uh, the ace. Is that right? Ace hotel, it's a really nice theater there. Yeah, everybody was saying how cool it is

And then you're gonna do how many seats is it? Do you guys know? It's pretty big. We did our podcast there What ace? I think didn't we? No, that's not, no, no, no, no. We've never done that. That's a different one. I usually do about two, two and a half Two, two, three, two, three thousand two to three thousand. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've never played LA though So I don't know if I wow, but how come because you don't like going to the comedy store these clubs? No, no But let me see something. Um, I think you would be welcome with open arms I you know what? I think you may be right and I think I would do it now, but I just I'm not in LA much anymore Yeah, and um, and I think I I would be fine with it. It used to be when I felt competitive with our comics

I I wouldn't go but I don't I don't feel competitive anymore When does when let me ask you that that's a very good question that you brought up When does that it does that leave through age or does that leave through success? Uh, I think maybe a little of both. Yeah, but I think it's mostly age Yeah, because you still see kevin kneeland. He's in your he's in your age demographic. I think it's a little Yeah, yeah, yeah Can you google? He's probably 65. Yeah, he's like bob sagget age. Yeah. I mean bob's older. Yeah, but bob sometimes there's the clubs

Yeah, like a very needy man. Oh, that's what it is. That's what it is. He needs validation Right 65 kevin right now. I'm 56. That's like that's I'm sorry. That's nine years difference. That's okay Oh, you think that's not much. What age are you? You and I I'm 47. Oh, yeah How dare you sir Yeah, how dare you but my point is this is that I guess you and I would be it in the same demographic or no No, I don't think so. I'm like a generation ahead a generation. That's right. Yeah, I was I Be I was doing stand-up when it was still cool

No, I don't know man, I guess maybe every 10 years or so it gets a little different Because I think it would be cool if I called adam like the comedy star and I said, um Hey, ferguson wants to do some spots this week. I think he'd say ferguson who no, he wouldn't He's like, when does he want it and I'd go he wants to go thursday and sunday or whatever And I think that would just fyi I just want you to I'd be in it trying that. I don't know how it's going to go with my uh, lithomania But I'll tell you why though, it's it would be cool too because you know, I think all the commas would love to see you Really? I you know

What are you? I feel like your size right now. Well, I feel like you're setting me up for a hit like I feel like, you know, it's the mafia and you're like, yeah, you're gonna be a made guy. Come on We're gonna come in this room over here. Everything's gonna be great Like oh hey chappell look correct and then he'd be happy. Yeah, it would be happy But you know chappell would be like, oh, yeah, I and then he would do 10 minutes and what a dick I am or something Wow Or else he'd be just not know. Yeah, do you like Dave chappell's work? I do. I have to say I think he is as good as anybody I've ever seen. Yeah, and not only that

I think that he's people say that he is our prior That he's our the richer prior of our generation And I would I would even say no to that because I don't think that prior had that kind of Work ethic that I think you I think you're right. I think that that's like comparing, you know Hendrix to uh, you know, like a modern Uh, you know guitar was it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, people like to do that Like they go, um, oh the red hot chili peppers are the rolling stones of our generation

And in my head, I'm like that doesn't make any fucking sense Well, I don't understand why people have to make things like other things Yeah, it's like he's the number one actor in the world. He like what what does that? It doesn't mean yeah, what does that fucking mean like he he acted harder than anybody else Yeah, yeah, you know, you know what it seems to be like Have you ever have you ever been in any way remotely connected to the golden globes? No, I just whenever you do a movie and you have to go and see the hollywood foreign press The first time I had ever that and I met the hundred or so people in the hollywood foreign press. I went

Oh, I get it. This whole fucking thing is a scam The whole fucking the oscars the golden globes is all Bullshit, it's all bullshit. The golden globes in the hollywood foreign press I wouldn't trust these guys to walk my fucking dog. Wow. Yeah, it's unbelievable Right and all they want to do is run up and get selfies with you. It's crazy. Yeah It's like honestly speaking to the hollywood foreign press is like and I mean no disrespect to people in mental hospitals It's like it's like people who are like crazy Yeah, it's like when

Johnny Depp that movie that he did that was terrible. There was a Johnny Depp movie that was nominated at the golden globes It was absolutely terrible. There's a couple of mordecai. No, it's not even mordecai. Chocolat. What was chocolat? I love chocolat. Would you really have to know? Yeah, you know what? I think you must have had your lithumania But he did it and ricky jarve was hosting right and he goes, you know, the only reason why you know Johnny Depp is here is because the foreign press wants to take photos with them. Yeah, and that's when I in my head I'm like because I saw that movie and I was not lying. That's true. Yeah, that's tourist That's what it was. Yeah. Yeah, that was nominated and then they wanted Angelina and Johnny Depp at the golden globes Just to take like photos and you said Angelina like you like your friends. Are you friends with Angelina?

No, it's like saying, um, I say Jesus in that same way She lives in this area. She used to live when they were together. They lived right next to my compound. Their compound was next to my compound Next to Christopher Nolan's compound. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What Brad Pitt and Julie live next year compound. Yeah, they're right You know where their house is? They live right in our area. Yeah, Julie says the teal waggers They're in our fucking area. I see no, no, I knew that when the divorce was going on You didn't see all the helicopters over the neighborhood. That's what it was. That's what was being robbed or something It might have been that too Yeah, you know, wow

No, because we're Listen We're a little closer to frankland. Oh, stop trying to be cray Yeah, you don't have any cray. You're a rich Too bedroom piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with the people. We're with the people. We don't live in this building. What's that? We're with the people You're with the people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah street credibility. Oh friend. That's right. And you guys are up there with the bouge The bouge. Yeah, the bouge. Look, I clean my fountains just like a regular guy

Like a regular guy. I know what you do. I love your place You know why I love your place because you can't see any you can't see your house Yeah from the street. I'm not gonna tell people where it is. Obviously. Well, they can't see anyway Yeah, yeah, and there's a gate And there's that tall. What's that guy's name? I love that guy. Tomas. Tomas is awesome. There's a foreigner there A foreigner by the Tomas. He's a funky fucking east european. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, and I welcome One one

The gate opens you walk into this compound. It's fucking great, man. I wanted Tomas. What? Yeah, the ladies do like Tomas We have this guy John now with the Hitler haircut John is close. He's like the Tomas from another content. Yeah Yeah, this is the most asian guy I've ever seen him. I like look at his look at his face It's like it's like that you could buy like statues of him at like, you know the airport in beijing Oh, yeah, yeah, just stay with me. She put fucking look at that face that cheeky the face of beijing. Yeah. Yeah You have a real chinky face, right? Hey Hey, no, you got yes

Yes, no, because I'm asian. No, no, you're not even you're a chinchon. No, I want to let you know. Yes, Craig Stop that now. Hey, your face is flat Right and your dick is not good. Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck Craig. That's what this kind of show. That's what the show's about. Well, no, I look then I'm saying fail I I'm like, I'm not comfortable with the way you're talking Yeah, and what's the deal with bananas? All right, they're they're yellow they're weird They taste what do they taste like? They don't taste like anything. They taste like bananas

Yeah, that'll be a billion dollars, please Do you feel weird when like african americans like they you know, because they Call each other the n word and all that kind of stuff that doesn't does that bother you or no? It's none of my business. Exactly. So I can call him chinchon. I'm sorry. That's none of my business I'm doing it against like I want to have a language and a way to talk to other asians. Yeah, that white people can't say What about mandarin that would probably Cantonese There are so many languages that perhaps you could use with fellow asians. No, but don't you see that right?

Yeah, but don't you that'd be cool to have like in english so that people could understand what you're doing Yeah, and then have them feel like uncomfortable. But oh, that's the way they have their own way of talking Wait, wait, are you doing a white person voice there? Is that that voice? Is it because you know, it's it's absolutely true When when I'm around like if it was just me and him here I'd be like, oh, isn't it such a relief to just use our voices? Oh, look at you cracker Doesn't that feel good calling him cracker? No, I felt bad

I don't like yeah, I don't like it So then you were you were also on the drew carry show for like seven years Yeah, nine years nine fucking years When you were on that show, did you think that this is it? This is what I'm going to be doing and then that's it or Yeah, it didn't feel that good When I was thinking like this is it man. I'm gonna walk on set once so we can go carry or fired You know drew and I worked out that if if run about season seven That if it was per word, I was the highest paid actor in hollywood

Because all I said was carry or fire That's the only thing you said. There's no other dialogue. I think I remember I'll bet it was just it was you know, we were looking at it one week because when you get into the show, you're still doing that set Cops, that's all right. Yeah, no one's watching it. But yeah, so when you when you get to like year seven or year eight You're pulling down some money Yeah, and I one episode I had all I said was carry or fired In fact, it wasn't even that it was an episode where drew goes to china And somebody tells me and I say china and walk out. That's it. That's all I said

Wow, I said the word china and I got paid a week's worth of money for that and there's a lot of money Yeah, it's weird because they call me a lot and they go. Hey We couldn't fit you into the script because I'm like fifth leader right, but they pay you. Yeah, they go. So have fun Yeah, it's literally like oh, I just got a free check for no reason that was exactly like me in the direction Incredible that was weird. Yeah, it doesn't it's good because like who doesn't love the money, but it's bad because you feel kind of weird Right, right. It feels like oh, they don't They don't want me. They don't want me or they don't need me and also because I'm you know An alcoholic right recovering alcoholic. I have still have that ism and that like, um

I just this narcissistic kind of self-serving kind of mental Thing that I don't think that I mean, I'm also recovering alcoholic. That's all I want you to say But but I have to say Really painted me in a corner But I think that we're not the only people who suffer from narcissistic self-serving impulses Right, I think that you will find a lot of guys around the ox gourmet But do you find it like because I am You know a recovering alcoholic I do clubs every night, right?

and There I am it is a difficult thing to navigate in terms of just In terms of seeing all the drinking and the partying and everything that goes on And then me still trying to be a part of You know, I want to be a comedian and still want to be able to you know bond and connect in that way I I find it to be difficult at times, you know, especially when because I don't know if you know this but In this last year, I've been really dry like I have been to two meetings this year Right, that's and so I'm in my super irresponsible. It's so irresponsible. Yeah, and I am

I have to admit I'm very moody. Yeah, I'm I'm a dry drunk right now. I'm very um And I just find myself at the clubs even there are things in my head like oh, what if I did? You know, what would happen, you know, like I think it's through even more than normally Yeah, yeah, and it always ends up when I think things through like if I smoke pot with chappelle right now Right, and then next day what would happen? I probably I think to myself. I relapse. I can do whatever I want now and then um, just the ball just kind of keeps going and going and um, So it is I it is really irresponsible of me. I think the paradigm is mistaken if I can just correct you Oh, please. This is what I wanted

the there is a A a prevailing thought not just amongst people Who are addicted to substances who have gotten clean and sober? But I just think generally in society that when you stop taking the substance for which you're addicted You are somehow denying yourself something and the opposite for me when I'm healthy in my head And it's not always like this, but but most of the time it is these days. I'm not denying myself anything I am stopping doing something which actually I loathe but I had difficulty not doing so it the idea of

uh saying I want to have something that I cannot have or now that I've relapsed I can do anything I want I actually think the opposite is true that I feel like For me my alcoholism takes this This manifestation which is it is an allergy which manifests itself as a compulsion So if I Take the substance the alcohol the allergic reaction to that is a mental Uh aberration

Which which thrusts me into compulsive behavior to drink more alcohol and so the cycle of addiction continues All you do when when you get clean and sober is remove the allergic substance which triggers the the allergy It doesn't take care of you in any other way other than breaking the cycle of that but but any neurosis or any Discomfort that you that one person not you bobby, but but me kreg or anyone who has uh these uh tendencies or or personality types what it does is is that you know It's all still there everything that you need to deal with is still there just like people. I know So I know get the fucking me. I I know I know I mean

it's so funny because um You know, I've been around You know recovery since I was a kid right since I was in high school And I know these things right I've read the book. I you know, I've read things, you know, and I know these things But I'm just in I don't it's so weird. I am in a specific Weird state or I just can't I don't know what it is enjoying it I not really know. I'm very moody and and ask and she has to take the brunt of it And it's really not fair to her

Because we live together here, right and she sees Me snap or like, you know, and or me being in these like crazy like Moods and I I'm a well aware of what it is Right. I I understand it with the root of it Because I'm just in myself and in my thoughts Right and just it's it's it's a nightmare. I wouldn't ask you this Um, because you know, someone has labile as him. He's so up and down up and down and if you It seems like he has I really I said this before you were in there. I really do think you could have done better, but

You've made your choices and that's fine I I Bobby's a great guy, but but Bobby, I think you would agree with me. Yeah, whatever. I know. I don't sometimes I look at her go What are you doing in this nightmare? Anyway, sorry, you were gonna ask me So in his mindset is if I leave one thing I have to replace it with another Yes And how do you break that idea that you don't have to replace it with another form of addiction or another compulsion

Well, I think it you know, it goes back to what I said earlier that you're not denying yourself anything Yeah, you're you know, so so it doesn't there is no there is no scale or reparation like You know, if I don't have alcohol, then what do I have? Well, what you have Is a release from the thing that's make that's killing you and making you miserable and psychotic So Alcoholics are the only people I know that look for a reward for getting a gift in the fucking first place Which is you get the gift of desperation that gift of desperation if you read it correctly We'll give you the gift of sobriety and now you want something for that

You lucky son of a bitch you got sober in the first place So many people don't yeah, they don't they cannot connect to the idea That room Just it's not even the idea. It's just lucky enough for some for I'm so fucking grateful that I got some moment of clarity that broke the cycle Oh god And allowed me All right I know I know what it is. I know right. It's craig aware of your

debilitating video game addiction and other things like porn addiction and all of that I would imagine that you know, we should really talk Yeah, no, I would I have I feel that about everything like when I stop drinking alcohol. It's just don't be an alcoholic. I just I actually I got more alcoholic in an odd way Um, but so I've had addiction. I haven't had an addiction to porn because I'm a Scottish Protestant and it's just But I've had the video game things and then Candy crush or but here's the thing about about video games that in my experience not necessarily everybody else is I've never played so many video games that I've blacked out and hit a cop

I've never played so many video games that I've broken the hearts of people who have were misfortunate enough to love me You know, I've annoyed myself and other people but the but the scale of the what the damage of these things has it for me Now, I'm not saying that that's not possible But for me that has not happened. Yeah, um, and I seem to be able to put things down easier Um, with the exception of about a year ago. I stopped going on social media Uh, about three or four months ago. I stopped going on the internet at all And I experienced withdrawal from that in a way that I haven't since nicotine really which is about 20 years ago and

That I think a lot of people have and are unaware of what are you? How did you feel like what was the feeling restless irritable discontent? insomnia Wild mood swings depression All of the friends that turn up Yeah, when when you try to break an addictive cycle It's very it's very interesting. Yeah. Um, this is why you're here. Yes. I know this is not honestly I honestly I this is this is something that I needed to hear usually in this podcast

I yell at people and I tell people um That i'm the king and I And I make fun of him We're all yes men That's why it's very healthy You're right and I'm like king joffrey in here. I'm just like, you know, I mean you're yeah And you're that and all that stuff and it's the thing is is that I um This is exactly what I needed to hear because I am I can see myself spiral even

With you know with this gift of having the show that I'm on when I'm there and it's everything that I've ever wanted Right. It's everything right. It's like remember when she met me My career was I had nothing I really had I was going on the road these shitty comedy clubs But no great. Thank you. I mean great comedy club and thank you so much for the fucking opportunity And for me to make money and I really appreciate it and you guys are all a-list and great A-list and I and I'm very grateful for we were gonna have Bobby here But he said we were shitty that's the last time he plays the chuckle hot Wisconsin. I tell you that

Yeah, yeah, right, but um, but even so I would pray where I would like envision Please let me get back into, you know, the graces of Hollywood and get a job, right? And now that I'm on this job, I sit there and I'm just I'm sitting in this room My dressing room and I just sit there and as and I'm just in this misery You know and and I am I'm well aware of it too. I'm like, huh This is everything you ever wanted Right, you prayed about it And now that you're here

You're in you're miserable. What is that? And I know exactly what I need to do But I just right now I I haven't been able to put one foot in front of the other and go there I'm getting to the The point of the cliff where I have to do it or I'm gonna fucking relapse or something even worse I would say that perhaps my Whenever I have found myself in that position and I have and I hope to never do it again But I think probably it will happen again

But whenever I've been successful in breaking that cycle of Anguish that you're describing It has that I have to do things even although I don't want to do them So I have to you know in Christian theology they say faith without works is dead Which I think is actually quite an interesting way of describing it that you can believe what you want But if you're a douchebag, you're a fucking douchebag, you know So what you believe and what you do have to be commiserate

They have they have to attach to each other. So if you say to you if you say I I am uncomfortable I am unhappy. I have to do all this thing But just saying that doesn't mean shit unless you do something right so even although it's a little bit. I mean I I don't like to break the traditions of you know, the fellowship to which I belong. Yeah, um, But I will say this that any time That somebody walks into a room like somebody like you walks into a room of these meetings and says I've had a hard time and I'm back. There are some I mean, there's douchebags there. Let's not be mistaken But that's not the majority the overwhelming thrust of the meeting will be we're glad you're back

It's good. You're here. Here's what I did when I felt like you. Yeah, and and then just do it You know, and I think that for people who are there's no embarrassment in struggle I think there's a there's an odd there's an odd thing in society now that that somehow struggle or mental Anguish or lack of success or it's some kind of failure. I believe it on that instagram You should like like like everything has to be successful at the time. You're fucking nuts That's crazy. How can everything be great all the time? That's that's insane. Yeah, that doesn't that doesn't make any sense Wow, and and but the people are like, oh, look at my fabulous luxury. Yeah. Yeah. My condo Yeah, it just doesn't make any sense. So if you say like people who are who have been sober a long time and they say

I'm great. I feel great. I've never felt, you know, the need for me to be successful You know the need to have a drink. I'm like Then I very much you and I suffer from the same thing. Right Wow Yes You're right. And you know what dude? It's like this man Yes, I'm the slept king in here. Stop looking at me that way. Oh, what because he's never seen me vulnerable before this one You're a racist

Look at me right now. Gilbert. You know, I want to admit something to the room John even your job, even though you're never here. Take your hat off. Take your head. Yeah. Put it back on. Um, You have very good hair. Yeah, very good hair, right? And he's a father. Congratulations. Congratulations. Yeah. Yeah. Um, are you high right now? John, seriously, are you high right now a little bit, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You look great. Um, and you know what dude? It doesn't interfere with your life. Keep doing what you're doing. Yeah. Yeah. If you're happy, you're happy But look, he's blitzed out of this fucking mind. Yeah. Yeah. He thinks we're at fucking fire or the kid. All right, all right um, what you know what it's so funny because What it's not funny, but when you when I found when I knew that you were coming here, um

I was a little nervous because it just didn't want to know how this was going to go and um, I really It was needed for me. This is a wake up call. I because I feel and I apologize to Kalilah because Um, I've just been in a real I've never been this way before I'm in the precipice of that. That was me about 18 months ago. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. And all these things that you're saying to me Is ringing complete true to me and I know what I need to be doing. Yeah, and um, but if you don't do it, it doesn't mean anything It's like you go. Yeah. You already fucking said that walks without walks with the works. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's nothing about walks You try to make everything Asian

There's no walks involved. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like oh, there has to be a walk. No, I have to be a walk, man Yeah, there needs to be a All right, at least one what was I was saying again faith with faith. Let me say faith without works Is dead right is what I wanted to say right right another point to carry home with you is that You know, you don't have people expect a gift when sobriety is the gift, right? You do the conversation we had yesterday was I need, you know bad food nicotine indulgent lifestyle all of this because I'm sober Now you stop talking like that. No, but don't point in my house like that. Yeah. No, I'm kidding

Come on What I was doing pulling you look so guilty because You look to be like really guilty and I'm like, I know what I've said it to my wife I know I know I tried to pull something yesterday where Because of the fact that I'll just tell you I quit smoking two years ago a year and a half ago, right? But I've been vaping. Okay. Okay and eating more indulging and eating very indulgingly fried foods every day fried foods And I have high blood pressure. I have I've strokes in my family You know, so I can't move my neck

It hurts so bad because of my high blood pressure every time my neck hurts. I we get she has what do you call it? I take this blood pressure is like 200 over 100. Yeah, it's crazy stroke out now stroke out. Yeah change your lifestyle move Burn a calorie. It's like he's attached to his video game for 16 hours a day So I play 16 hours of video games, right? Yeah, and I vape like a crazy person Right and I'm trying to not to vape because of the fact that um, my neck is hurting And I'm in a situation where I need to get out of this rut also on top of it I have great things happening because of this podcast. I have great things happening in my career, right? And you know, I'm just getting work work, you know, and everything and and yet I'm miserable. So, you know

And I and I admit Turn away Okay, you can't be vulnerable He's king white and I cannot Like I'm a Scottish Protestant he's white to me I know he's country white. Look at him, dude. It's like I'm like man. That that is a white guy Yeah, it's beyond even that's why when I'm being vulnerable. I can't have pure white. I get it, man Right. Thank you so much. Just look away. Fuck not. All right

And I have to treat him that way because of the fact that I um because of history That's right because of history. Yeah, of course, right the history of what you fucks have done. All right Well to be fair Right to be fair. Yeah, but the thing is is that yeah, you you're absolutely right. I know what to do Faith work with faith faith without work. He's an easier one. Nothing changes if nothing changes If you don't change then nothing's gonna change you want to feel better do something different We'll stop. That's it. I am there Well, good. Congratulations. You bought him down and stop it before you have a stroke

I'll tell you a friend of mine a friend a guy. I know he's not a friend of mine, but a guy. I know an extremely talented man had a stroke when he was drinking and He's still alive and he's still around and he can say That's it. You want to be that guy? Oh, really? Yeah, he was successful. Sure. And that's what I always tell him is he thinks a stroke is gonna kill him I'm like, no a stroke doesn't kill you. No, no, no It keeps you you you you are debilitated for the next 30 years of your life

And I know this because my dad had one right and he's still alive and he can't move I don't get it my all my grandparents Were paralyzed from the neck down because of a stroke my grandmother was for 30 years couldn't leave Her house because she was always paralyzed. She couldn't feel anything because of a stroke that you get you you're in possession Of some information and it seems I am. No, that's why I'm saying it out loud because I I'm sorry for yelling But yeah, yeah, okay. I know. All right, but I'm in no way intimidated So it's very Let me just it might be me. Okay. Okay. Sure. And so yeah, I

This reason why I'm saying it out loud is to pick up because I know What is going on and it's not I'm not blind to it Even when I lash out on kalayla Uh, right in my head. I go you just lashed out. Why? Why did you do that? She's just being nice. She even before you got here She says walk the dog and I just lashed out You know, and it's I feel your pain though. I honestly, I don't want you to thank you. I'm not thank you Like I just just don't though

What yeah, just don't I'm not you think like I have kids, right? You think I don't want to lash out sometimes and like see for the first 10 years of a kid's life All you do is put their fucking shoes on like every fucking shoe. It's fucking shoes. Yeah. Who you put your shoes on? Oh my god, where are your fucking shoes? Yeah You know, you think I don't want to yell and scream about their shoes and sometimes I admit I'm been a little techie about shoes, but a lot of times I've not done that And just don't do it. Just don't do it. You can feel it. It doesn't mean you're not gonna feel it Feel it, but you don't have to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like sometimes I want to drink, but I

But you but I want to say this though is but you're approaching it especially in recent times as a real recovered man In in sobriety and you're you go to meetings and you're and you're you're very healthy, right? And I'm not like so right right. So right now I want to get to the point where you're at And that's I think my new well, there's awakening that I want to do that Here's what I think then the piece of information that will help you with that. You can do it right now

This is the this is the instant gratification The addictive people like us. This is the great news for us. You don't have to wait six weeks for it to take You can be better right now Right fucking now Just say I'm gonna be better now. I'm gonna be better now and just be better right now. I'm gonna say it now All right, just be right now. Can I say it now? Say it now? Say it louder. Say it louder like you mean it. Oh fuck. Yeah, I'm gonna be better right now right now I'm gonna be better right now for the rest of this day. I am not gonna lash out at the beautiful woman

Who is deluded enough to love me? I know that's that's Here's a I'm sorry for standing. No, that's okay. It's good But I this is good. You're right. You're absolutely right because this thing is that many years ago It's cold my hand. This is good. I'll hold your wrist. I'll hold your wrist. I'm gonna hold your wrist. This is how we hold captive? No, don't pull her finger man. That's how I hold her hand. Yeah, right You know when I was In high school and when I was sober I got sober when I was in high school

I was in junior right and for six years of my first year years of sobriety back then right I couldn't get any women Like they wouldn't look at me even at meetings. They would no one would look at me I was like at this little shy kid. I wasn't doing comedy at the time. You know, I was a working guy, right? And I used to go I used to dream in bed like I just want any woman to like me, right? And now cut through many years later. I have a beautiful Beautiful punching way above your way above my all right, right? Yeah, good. Look at me right good for you And yet, you know, I you know, I lash out on her and I do things and it's just like it's really It's just crazy. John, you know, so

Look at me, right? Isn't it crazy John? Yeah. Yeah. Where are you right now? You know, you know, you're in the closet You're not really you're not far gone. You're still cognitive. You're with us. Yeah. Yeah. Do you drive that way? Yeah, okay It's fine just as long as you know how the fucking mechanics of the car works. You're right. How's your cake good? All right. Good. Thank you. Um Yeah, so you're right. Like I Used to pray about someone someone like that and she's a great this this woman here um, she just she really just

absorbs A lot of bullshit from me and she deserves way better. Well, let me just remind you that everybody has their limits, Bobby And you might have to stop doing that now Whoa, yeah, that's what I'm like a threat. No, it's not a threat at all. It's an observation. Everybody has their limits I remember I when I was drinking I was in love with a woman and I couldn't stop drinking And when we lived together in the end she said to me there's the most I I mean I really understood it It was hard. She said I I love you

But I I can't hang around and what you do this and be this I can't I can't be part of this Yeah, and she left me and I understood I was devastated and heartbroken but I totally understood why she had to go because you know in that kind of Darkness you just pull everybody down with you. Hmm And swim man. Come on. I'm gonna swim. Do you still do your thing on Sundays? Is it what early? Oh, well, you know, I haven't been in LA for a long time even on tour Well, and then I've been Scotland for a long time too. Yeah, I've been in Glasgow doing stuff there How big is Sir William Wallace there?

He's a fairly big figure in the country. Great segue. Yeah. Yeah. I've always wanted because I love that movie. Yeah, Braveheart. Yeah Yeah, he wasn't Australian. You do know that like William Wallace wasn't Australian. Didn't we're plaid either? No, the other thing. Oh, he's not Australian. He wasn't Australian. Oh, fuck like my tiger Yeah, yeah, one tiger freedom. Yeah Nobody let me ask you something. This is something dumb that I'm gonna even say a bit but um When um that movie came out was the big sensation in Scotland. You kidding me? It was good. It was like crazy. It was crazy, right? Yeah. Yeah. I auditioned for that movie and didn't get it. No Yeah, it was terrible. I was crushed. Oh, you were you really? Yeah. It was mean another guy

Oh, you could have been in it. You're so close. Yeah, I was really close I had like half a dozen meetings with Mel Gibson about it. It was like right down in the wire And the guy who got it, uh, I can't remember his name. No, he's a good actor Um irish guy, you know, you know in the movie the guy who talks to god. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was that far. Oh, wow Yeah, oh that would have it. But you know what you did fine. Yeah, I did okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah But I really wanted that part and you know what I was just newly sober as well Oh, wow And at that point I thought that if you pray because you know, they say like pray and stuff

I think you could pray and get stuff. Yeah, I think with people who pray and think uh, dear god Can I have a job? Dear god. Can I have a parking space? Dear god. Can I have like shoes? Yeah, I realize now that he doesn't do that No, do you pray? I mean, I really I do pray. I do I do too, but I'm not religious in any way, but either but I do pray Here's here's what I say. There's that the only prayer I can make work for myself Is a line from one prayer one line from one prayer and here's what it is You know, you're familiar with the st. Francis of Assisi. Oh, yeah, I love that part right that whole prayer I can't memorize that whole prayer. Yeah, but can you start start it?

Let me see if I can do some of it the only line. Yeah, that I this is my entire prayer routine here is Lord make me a channel of that piece. That's it Can you look up the st. Francis prayer? I would like to say it on on air really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. I want to say it on air because I think that'd be a good, you know Ending to this thing. Do you ended it now? No, not ending it now, but like you're gonna say at the end Yeah, we'll see it today. I want him to look it up. I have it. Do you want me to correct? Or just let you just do it well to give me the beginning see if I can do some of it Lord make me an instrument your piece Is that it is? Well, I see there's different there's different versions. All right Lord make me an instrument of my

Of your piece. Let me baby. Let me try it. You got it. Why are you sweating right? She's sweating so much. Give me the next line Where there is hatred I may bring wrong. Nope. Let me so love What let me so love. Let me so love. Give me the next line where there is injury. I may bring solitude. Nope pardon Oh, fuck. All right, where there is doubt. I may bring light not one word faith faith Give me the next one where there is despair one word. I may bring truth. Just hope My fuck where there is darkness. I may bring light Remember get this You see the pattern? Okay. I see the pattern now when there's a bad thing. There's a good thing

Yeah When there is sadness, there is um joy Don't do that part though. Don't do the g because they help me. Okay. All right. That's because they'll please don't do that The last part is okay. This is different. Yeah. Oh divine master grant Yes, then I may Do it not so much seek to be consoled But to do it as to console as to console somebody to be understood and to rather be understand as yeah as to understand As to understand to be loved them to be loved as to love as to love fort is in giving

It is what one finds is to give forgiveness that we receive receive love Let me try you know, let me let me do another one for you Dear Santa Can I have But I was close you're pretty close. Thank you. Thank you so much. And that's why I could Gilbert and that's why you're a part of this family. Thank you so much because you're a yes meant for life Right and you and you always have my back And I really appreciate it, right? But we all know in this room and everyone listening now that I didn't have it

Yeah, I was pretty far off, but I've heard that before Yeah, but it's too much. It's a good prayer if you're a saint. Yeah, but I'm not yeah But the first line I think is this is that's the mantra that I try and use all the time Lord, let me just I don't know what God is. I I'm pretty sure it's not an angry white man living on a cloud I'm pretty sure it's not that I'm pretty sure it's not some awful civil servant making a you know A checklist of good deeds and bad deeds like some kind of pernickety Santa But I think there is a force That guides thought

Yeah, and and I think there is benevolent force That is available if you can clear. Oh god. Yes. Yes. I'm sweating on my face, but yes Where do you normally sweat? I use sweat on my nose right here and whenever there's sweat on my nose is when I'm like really like feeling something You know, do you ever notice that when I like if I'm in a horror movie And you look at my nose. It's just a ball a ball of sweat That when you say in a horn like if you're acting in a horror. No, I'm it. No, I'm watching. Are you doing a harm? Sweat nose

Don't go there kids. That's where sweat nose man left No, no, no, I sweat on my nose when I'm feeling something, you know So yeah, so let me connect. I want to ask you a couple of more questions. Just just okay since you're here. Yeah, okay So the touching that's a thing No, but we yeah, you touched my hand like it was kind of like It's insincere Making more sincere Bobby Properly or don't do it. No, I just felt that we had connected in some ways. So I just wanted to go. Thank you for being there

It was a it was a swipe. It was more it was I look because no, I here's what it no be a little more forceful with it Is what I'm saying do it again. Oh, no, no, just put your hand there, right? This is what I was thinking and just this is that in my head. It was like I he gave me so much wisdom right now And I when I go you should touch them in my head. So when I was halfway there, I'm like, oh, this is not You shouldn't be doing this, right? So then it just came out like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Let me just do it for real then. Yeah Does that feel better? No, it's all right Yeah, how about I just don't touch you yet. Yeah. Yeah, I think that would be good

Yeah, I'm sorry for touching you. No, you don't have a howie mendel thing with like no. No, no, no, no, no You know him. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I know I love him. I love how he's so good. I always pretend I've got the flu just Yeah, I he did a sketch at my house once and I had to cover all my furniture with plastic. Yeah He's tortured man. Yeah, I never told you that No, I it was from mad tv and they go, um, howie mendel wants to do a sketch with just you and I go, okay, cool We wrote something up and then um, it was in my house and they got you got to cover your place with plastic So we covered the whole place with plastic and um, then he walked inside. I've never hugged him I don't think I've ever shaken shaken his hand. No fist bump. Yeah, not even a pound

I usually do the little less. I wanted to cut the tie thing Oh, you do the little bow thing with him. Yeah. Oh, that's great. Is he buddhist? Is that? No, but I feel like the lack of any physical intense Is a gift that I can give right right there has to be something right so he chose to do the bow Yeah, what I always go like this. Hi. Oh, yeah, that's good. Yeah. Yeah a little way I'm excited to see him Japanese Yeah I cover my mouth. That's what I do. Yeah. Yeah, but so um when because when your show

Your talk show was over. Yeah. Was that a time where you were were you depressed then or no? No No, actually not then I was very elated by being out of that and I was fine for a couple of years This was about 18 months ago. I I kind of like My attendance to my mental well-being what you're describing. I just just did but I knew what I had to do I just wouldn't do it. Yeah. It was some kind of bloody mindedness within me. Bless you. You're right. It's the thing Yeah, oh, is it is it that water? Do you have the thing? So I brought the fountain disease Yeah, I got it. We got it. Lithuania. I brought it in. Sorry

um, so so it was that it was just a lack of attentiveness to to the type of person that I am and the maintenance that I need to Conduct to myself. It was bad. Yeah, it was really bad. I thought I was going to get drunk. Yeah And then what happened it the during all that time period I had to get a piece of pretty major dental surgery On your teeth are fine. Yeah, but it was a root canal. Oh and and I had to When I got it. It was a painful thing. Yeah, and After the doctor said I'm going to give you some painkillers and I was like I can't do them I lost my right to use those things and he said well, this is going to hurt a lot

Uh, I said, well, I'm not doing them and he said but look, let me just give you the prescription Just in case you change your mind. Yeah when this wears off and I changed my mind because it was unbelievable So I call up my for one of a bit more sponsor. Yeah, yeah And I'm talking to him and there's like You know helicopters for dr. Phil above my house and all that kind of stuff and I take this painkiller Right and with dr. Phil lives in the neighborhood too. No, no And then I uh, I wouldn't I actually I wouldn't listen to him. Anyway, yeah, he's not really a doctor. You know that

Yeah, yeah, and then what he he did just I know you're in the middle of a thing But um, I had to say something about him. Yeah, um, he did an interview with Shelly Duvall when she was like mentally like not there And it really just turned me off to that fucking bastard. I'm not a fan. Yeah I'm turned off to that bastard. You know, it's funny. I had him as a guest on the late night show Early on and he was talking to me and about halfway through the interview. I thought You have no fucking idea what I'm talking about Because I was talking to him about addiction and I thought

Your head you were thinking yeah, I was thinking Wow what I'm talking about. Yeah. Yeah No, that doesn't mean he doesn't know about other things. He's a fraud. Well, it's far when it comes to Understanding what an addictive personality is. Yeah. Yes. Yeah more than that. He's just really exploitative exploitative. Yeah, maybe anyway Uh, what was I talking about? So I took this painkiller. Yeah, and I only took it. I took it twice I was like prescribed twice a day or something like that, but I wouldn't do that. I took it twice And it worked and I was very grateful for it. I didn't get high

But I started having very weird thoughts about I wanted I kept focusing on I wanted to go to Juarez and get drunk in Juarez Mexico. Yeah, specifically Juarez. It was I was totally fixated on Juarez. Yeah Um, and the the thing is I've never been at Juarez Yeah, I I don't know. I just I got this No, no, listen, let me ask you because you've probably noticed this right Is Bobby ever got an idea in his head and you're going what the fuck is he focusing on that?

But that makes no sense at all. Oh, yeah, he has a lot of fixations. That's what happened I just won't leave it for days. Right. That's what happened with me and so for For about two weeks, all I could think about was going to Juarez and drinking cold beer Wow There's other places in Mexico that would be better for you But yeah, I figured that if I went to Juarez and I got drunk someone would take me out and that would Oh, is that what that's what it was? Yeah, because I had a I went to a brothel in Juarez Okay, I almost died. Yeah, just FYI. Yeah, I I wasn't I wasn't thinking about this before before us

But I thought that was do you want to know I used to I fucked one girl in Juarez. I had sex You know me and that's the one where they chased you down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was in Juarez. Yeah. Yeah Anyway, it's a dangerous place And I think that's what I was looking. Yeah, I know that we were looking. Yeah I don't I don't try to make myself feel, you know more glamorous Yeah, I would die of you know in a knife fight more as as opposed to like shitting my pants in a doorway Yeah, yeah, who's the biggest guest you've had on your on your show? Do you think in your head like top three? You think I think archbishop desmond tutu is probably

Wow He went to your show. That's amazing. He said to me backstage Like I was I want to see him and he's like he's back there. There's two twos there I said it's I'm very uh, honored to meet you first two two and he went, oh, no I'm very happy to be on the show. He said, what's the show about tonight? It's kind of about you, dude Wow And you had him and now you're here. Yeah, no, it's like which is what the precipitous fall Yeah, yeah, no, I

He was he was great because I felt like that I was talking to someone who really Uh had faced some very Terrifying things. Yeah Uh like the power of an evil state Yeah, looked at square in the fucking eye and brought it down him and mandela. They brought it down and then And then didn't take revenge Wow, it's not fucking incredible. Yeah, those two guys. It's incredible. Yeah Unbelievable what what they do that truth and reconciliation is like that's a masterpiece of of human evolution

The truth and reconciliation community should be studied by all peoples everywhere to understand And how to move forward from political um Conflict I've always said that Have I not always said that I say it every day. Yeah, you should every day You talk about having a hate box and getting revenge on everybody that's ever done. You're you bastard I say that as well. Yeah, and here's another thing that I know Lord make me a channel

Man! But um When you were doing your show, I looked at you at your compound and I said, would you ever do tiger valley? And you said to me, I would do it And that you are a man of your word and now that you're here, right? I really appreciate it. I really do. Don't we appreciate it guys? Hey, hey jing chung clap Stop saying that. I'm very uncomfortable with the way you guys are talking. So at the end of our thing We do a deal with parking We do a thing where we have on it's called unhelpful advice and people email us questions and we just try to help them through

Okay, or it's either or no or on unhelpful. Yeah unhelpful advice with craig Ferguson Hi tiger belly fam. My name is erin. I'm 23 and I've been with my girlfriend for about three years Whenever I go near her phone, she freaks out and grabs it with a physical strength. I straight up didn't know she had I feel terrible about it. But when I went through one night and found out she had been texting her ex for months And it hurts because she has told me before that she doesn't talk to him Now she has him under a girl's name and his alerts hidden I feel like she has a different energy and the text than you would have with a regular friend Uh, he's always telling her to go over and she seems to consider it

He knows she has a boyfriend But when they talk she will stop replying and say she fell asleep. But really she was with me I'm starting nursing program soon. So my time will be devoted just to school and I'll be going to bed early giving her a time to do what Oh, who knows what I don't even want to be with this guy. You know what I mean? I'd go to the fuck up. You've got enough information leave Wow So we we dingled angle in these things, but that's the truth. No, this is actually leave. Yeah Yeah, get out of the situation get out of this get another email. Yeah, there's a question

Find someone who treats you better He said should I confront her and The greatest thing I ever did to break up with somebody was make him believe that he had done nothing wrong Cook him a meal did the laundry clean the house and just got the fuck out of there good for you Yeah, and never no no retaliation. No conversation. Just I got the fuck out of there. You have another email online Okay, thank you Gilbert for a couple months now. I've been dealing with a real toxic friendship I've been friends with this guy for more than two years It's my father

Whenever I hang out with him or our two other friends, I always end up paying for everything food concert movie tickets everything I still don't get any respect He makes fun of my mom's business of taking care of old people my literate dad and my dead dog just to name a few things I feel like Hey your dog still dead Yeah, I got a live dog. Hey bark mr. Scraps Yeah, could your dog do that? No Quit hitting yourself

There's the answer Same, uh, yeah, how do I get out of the front of it leave Fucking leave. Is that it and then there's 10 questions about guys saying I'm afraid to talk to this girl in my class How do I do it? That's what we've been getting lately. It's a lot right. Let's put all those ones in an umbrella In a package ready to talk to answer all of them. All right, you do it young young men afraid to talk to young women. Yeah Uh, that's hard. That's hard to be a young man to talk to young women. It's right now. Yeah, but I can say this though. Um I was that I was that guy as well growing up and I never talked to them

And um, I was never with them It did motivate me to do stand-up later and left it like I had to figure something out That you know, but um, I do regret all those things. So it's like, uh If you don't you're gonna regret it. I think right or no Yeah, I think that Um, I think maybe Look, I I think we can all agree on something right like I'm By a long fucking way the coolest person in this one. Oh 100 right, right, right. So I'm very cool

And and here's what what makes me very cool. I'll talk to you No matter who you are the same way. If you're Desmond Tutu, Kurt Russell, or A gardener who's fixing a fountain You will get the same respect from me. Yeah Because you're a human being you treat human beings with respect and expect to be treated the same way I expect to be treated the same way. So if you're a young man and you're nervous about talking to a young woman Maybe you could give her the information and say I'm nervous to talk to you I want to talk to you, but I'm nervous to talk to you because that's what you would that that's you given

First of all, you you're being vulnerable But also what you're doing is you're treating someone with respect with information So look, I'm nervous to talk to you. Oh, and it's so endearing and that's that he's you're so right No, I wish I came up with that. If someone what did I come up with that? What did you do? It tries to mask it. Yeah, like putting on a or a technique. Oh, I'm a failure today. That was the right answer No, no, you're doing great. Yeah, no Yeah, yeah, you be vulnerable

No, I just tell the truth. There's not so much be vulnerable. Don't it's not act vulnerable It's just like just be truthful. Yeah, just be truthful. Yeah, just be where you are Right, don't there's no magic line. There's no magic ball. There is a magic button, but that comes much later Yeah There is a magic. We don't touch but yeah But but the magic button is for way later on. Yeah, and you have to be asked to touch the magic button So that's a different thing. It's a great button though. Is it not? Oh my god, it just sticks out like that Yeah, it's a beautiful button. So, um, when is your when is your show in LA? So we can promote that

The fourth of april so hey hey sleepers the fourth of april Craig Ferguson is doing a live comedy show in los angeles. It's the first time I've ever done. He's the first time he's ever done LA I honestly believe that you should do a couple of spots at a club What that? Just so that you can be in the you know No, no, no, it's okay. No, you're gonna do it. Yeah, I'll be fine. No, I want you to do it. What dude like On saturday, it'll be great. I've been bed by like eight o'clock Like I'm seven seven o'clock show. Yeah, we're gonna do it. We'll talk about it. It's fine. I watch documentary man

On the netflix Have you seen it abducted in plain sight yet? Not yet. No, but I I'm aware of it What I the one I watched recently was um, yeah, I watched that one. Yeah Do you know I was a little disappointed in that documentary? Why well? I thought it there was a there was nice schadenfreude looking at like all these douchebags getting what they're comeuppance But yeah, but the truth is I didn't feel like I learned anything about that guy at all Other than he was just a douchebag. I didn't know why he was a douchebag. Yeah, they didn't go into his upbringing What his parents were like why someone would have would conduct himself like that with no remorse and also

I mean, I like the fact that it was You know that it all kind of went wrong, but The truth is if that if that festival had been in britain All the people that turned out would be like, oh great a tent. All right And they would I mean no one would even notice It's like they thought there we go. We're gonna party with britney, but it was like, all right Yeah, great or a band to be on at seven o'clock any fish and chips Yeah, yeah, we're starting in a sandals resort. Yes

Result What was heartbreaking was when he made that guy go suck that guy's penis For water He didn't suck the guy's penis. Yeah, but he went but the guy this guy said I was prepared to go and suck Heck and I was thinking No, look, I'm not judging anybody for how they spend their time But yeah, this guy that wasn't the first time that guy had gone out with the He had left the house before thinking tonight

Someone's getting nervous. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with it. Yeah But but don't don't make it about you know, I had to for the sake of the festival for the water Yeah for the water And then I'm thinking wait a minute this bohemian official that this is getting brought into this who's in his office and I never asked them to do Right, right. Like what's going on? Yeah, I would have just done it though. Even if this guy showed up even if I'm not gay Yeah, all right Not even for no water. Yeah, just suck my dick then. Oh, yeah. Yeah

He's going deeper into the closet. I think he's on a trip right now Well, I mean he came right like some random guy, you know, hey, we need the water. Yeah, okay. What? Yeah, I'm not gonna give you the water. Yeah, but How about if I suck your dick drink up? Yeah, I would do it. I don't know. I mean it depends if I was in the desert Yeah, uh Actually, maybe if I was just in a club And it was late and I felt good

Yeah, yeah, it doesn't matter What else is there other op documenters that you like that we can recommend because I love documenters. Yes, uh Generation wealth. Have you seen that? I just watched that. It's the same. You remember that I saw it It's the lady that did those photography. Yes, right and she put out those books. Yes, and I saw it and that was really crazy It was very it's very upsetting But it's it's very sad. It's very sad. Yeah, it's an interesting Comment on materialism and I think that that there's that german financier who's Uh hiding from the uh the irs in germany and he's very is a complete supervillain and he's smoking a cigar

He's such a pushback. Yeah, but he says a line which I think oh god, that's really true He said if you think that money will solve all of your problems, then you have never had any money Yeah, yeah, and I was like, oh, yeah He knew what I felt bad for not his son, but his son's girlfriend. Yeah, she's just like she's like what the hell Am I doing in this documentary or in this family with this so weird? I was in the the fire documentary I just keep happening to be in documentaries people are gonna notice it's so funny that we've both noticed that girl though Yeah, yeah, well she was because she was the most human person in that interaction. That's what it was. Yeah She was looking at everything like

Like what the fuck is going on these people are crazy. Yeah, and she was clearly in pain Yeah, she was in pain and she's like almost on the fence of why am I in this relationship? Yeah, right because you know Does that get passed on through that douchebag kind of mentality? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen three identical strangers yet? No, that's the next up. I've heard that's very weird. I want to know what your stance is after you watch it Yeah, yeah, I might watch that tonight. Watch it tonight because it's like a it's it's a It's a debate about scientific breakthrough versus nature versus nurture. No versus ethics ethics. Yeah, yeah How do you how do you gather that type of information? Versus, you know, the ethics of it all

I think you would really like it. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, I know a little bit about the thing and I'm looking forward to reading it To to seeing it. You know what the documentaries I love though. I love watching documentaries about bands. I hate I It's fascinating to me. Yeah, have you seen the one of pulp pulp? I quite like pulp But but I the documentary I hated the band rush Yeah, I saw that one too. And then I watched it. I'm like these guys are awesome. I am a dick for hating rush I love rush So do I now?

Yeah I like Neil Pert the drama right right and how he's very standoffish at shows like I saw that documentary where people come and he's so he's he's so good He's like kind of like the rock mononoff of fucking drumming. Yeah, he's just yeah He's just likes his solitude. He doesn't like to do the photo shoots and all that kind of stuff yet But I hated rush too. And then I saw that and then anvil the story of anvil. Yeah, that's another great one Great movie and then uh the one about journey. I I mean, I can't tell you the The depth of my loathing for the band journey. Yeah, and then I and then I watched the documentary and I still don't

Don't like the music. Was it the little Filipino guy? Yeah, yeah, don't say anything bad about him because he's our national treasure in the Filipino. No, no, no It's an amazing story. That story is amazing. But you know, he's a dime a dozen back home I mean, I I'd say yeah, he is he's just he's incredible But I just think Filipinos produce incredible singing talent. It's like Sean Connery impersonations in Scotland Everybody in Scotland can do Sean Connery. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. God shake Indiana. Everybody, everybody can do it. This is not archaeology Like you could just go on youtube and say Filipino kids singing in the mall

And he just picks up like a karaoke machine. Yeah, and he's belting out these ballads and he's like six years old It's just what you know what I didn't like about that is that remember the first show he did in brazil Who aren't alpina? Yeah, right? And then they were like he's dancing moving around too much He's a little Filipino guy. Let him dance. He wants dance He hasn't grasped the essential dignity of singing for journey Yeah, yeah, stand still and just sing the great don't stop believe it. Don't stop believing I don't know. Yeah. How many journey frontmen have there been? There's Steve Perry and there's that other Steve I don't know. I don't know. We don't know. I just it's Steve Perry and the Filipino guy. No, there was one in between

There's another Steve. Yeah. No in my mind. I think I think that I think that was like when they heard George Laysenby be James Bond for one movie. See you guys don't even know that. Don't even know that. Right. Yeah It was a failure. Was it after Sean Connery? Yeah, Sean Connery And then before Roger Moore, there was a guy called George Laysenby did one movie And he was a male model. Yeah, they thought they were going to teach Sean Connery a lesson by saying we can just get any pretty boy and make him James Bond and he was like right go ahead motherfucker Yeah, and they put this guy and it was it's it's worth seeing it so bad. Oh really? Is it that bad? Yeah, yeah, I want to watch it. I think it's called on Her Majesty's Secret Service. Well, I don't even know that but okay

You know, yeah, yeah I grew up in Scotland. Well, let's give Craig a round of applause guys. He was fucking amazing Just one more thing Craig. You have a book coming out on May 7th. I do. Yeah, what is that book called? It's called writing the elephant. You want to get in trouble from the producers? Oh, no, that's okay. Yeah, writing the elephant Yeah, what is that about? It's a book of um Um stories that all come together. It's it's sort of autobiographical essays And they come together is it as a book Chapter after chapter

Well, it begins with chapter one Okay, I don't know what you're doing right now, but okay And and and what it and what it is is you start reading it. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Anyway, yeah, watch it There's some adventures. Read it. Read it. Yeah, big elephant. Okay. Yeah, there's there's there's parts in it Where you'll go like oh, there is an elephant in it. There's a story about an elephant There really is. Yeah, I went I went on an elephant. I wouldn't do that now. I'm a vegan But but back then I I wasn't and I wrote it on an elephant. Are you really a vegan? Yeah Yeah, I've been vegan for like four years now. Well, I'll give him a round of applause guys. No, stop

Why are you doing that? I want it. I want it. No, no, no, he's creeping me out. Yeah. Yeah, let everyone clap clap one more time for Craig Craig Yeah, she knows See if I liked it you wouldn't do it. That's perversion You were fucking that was amazing. Yeah, we'll be back with some housekeeping. Hey everyone I'm here with george claus peeing the bathroom bobby's walking craig Ferguson down nice finally my close-up Now I'm know how to edit this. There's just this camera right here. John. Nothing on anybody else John now behind the camera. No bb today

Um guys. Wow. What a great episode. I love that guy is like literally my hero My sister was freaking out because she only watched craig Ferguson. She's like Ask him if he really tear up the monologue and he really just riff. I was like Yes, watching him. Yes. Yes. He riffs Um guys and also our itunes reviews. Um, here. I gotta just plug everything craig Ferguson. He has a tour coming out across The nation at least it's the world. It's yeah. Yeah, so uh check his website I'll have the links below for everything on that but uh, it's coming up guys and by his new book really you know It's on my way home from cedars today

I I I was just looking out the window And um, I saw on one of the marquise. I forget what place it was, but it says april 4th Ellen Parsons So my whole way home. I was like, don't forget april 4 april 4 april 4 april 4 april 4 I was like, don't don't forget. Don't forget. So when he said right now that his show was april 4th. I was like Oh, oh my god, it's some weird like alignment where like I had to remember that date because of allen parsons And now it's the date of his l.a. Show my mom's birthday Wait, John, not as high. Yeah, I know trick him out. Look at that. He's just like freaking out. What's happening?

My hair. What's the number four to you, John? Okay, good. Yeah, that's good enough. Thank you, John Uh, guys, if you want to mail us any packages, uh, you can send that to who's gonna get it first 1626 north wilcox avenue number 161 hollywood california nine zero zero two eight 500 points for kalayla george zero And big ups to our real papaya super sleepers and premium episode subscribers to our patreon

Uh, be part of the patreon family go to patreon.com slash tiger belly And guess what what did they get to hear about right now gilbill? Well, if you listen to this podcast right now, you can jump over to patreon.com slash tiger belly and listen to our special philippines recording Did you just call them gilbill? He calls me gilgill. I was trying for gilgill. The best, you know why gilbill. You know what bill bill is? No bill bill is your long has like your fat in your belly. You already know Yes, my body shaming like if someone like if someone says oh like look at his bill bill

That means like look at his like fat rolls muffin top really. It's your fat rolls. Yeah muffin top But more than that because it's more in the center muffin tops on the side bill bill is really like your bill bill So you're gilbill glad that everyone's gonna now keep commenting on all my pages as that was genius george Well, you know, filipino culture so well That's because you're in the filipines right now. So you're really good at it. Oh, I haven't done any tagalog yet I want to learn everything before I go say don't say tagalog Tagalog He does say more like hindi

Anyways, uh, thank you guys for listening. We don't need to speak. No, sorry. We're not done yet. We're not okay You don't need to speak tagalog. Oh wait. We've already been to the philippines. Yeah, we're in the philippines right now Kalilah, we're in the philippines right now and we're deciding What am I doing? We're in the philippines right now apologizing that the slow internet means we haven't uploaded the patreon in time So that's what what's happening right now All this foresight george is incredible. I mean hindsight Kalilah, where can we follow you if you want to follow your philippine trip IG stories? Um You can follow me at calamity k you can follow george at I'll give this one to john

Na, what's your insta? Babe hulia will bark at at john na. John na na na j o n a n a n no And that's what happens with the dogs right here and then you can follow everything bobby Everything bobby lee at bobby lee live or go to his website bobby lee live.com for his tour dates. Are there any tour dates? Well, we'll Just look at the website We're in the philippines right now. So yeah, that's uh, those are the dates are coming out and uh Uh, name a restaurant right name a restaurant right now where people if they listen to this they'll go to the philippines in the philippines Ah, she ends. We'll meet you there. March 13th

Oh Kaori code 14. I wait the whole time. That's in shangri-la. I think well if you can make it out there We're there right now So we're not good liars. Are you gonna be there galibre? Maybe who knows? Gilbert's already been we were eating at the punko punko yesterday Yeah, I was growing my gillbill Duh, George. Isn't that why you nicknamed me gillbill? I'm so confused. I feel like I'm traveling backwards and forwards into time It's like loss our noses are bleeding

Do you know that does it ever does that ever happen to you guys when like you see something that you Like your eyes place tricks on you and you you think something's there, but it's not and it throws you into a full panic attack And then you start to question. Are you am I alive or dead and or like am I living in an alternate dimension? A specific halal anxiety. Johnna is high. I really shouldn't be happy. I have no idea Melting you guys never do that like you ever wake up and then one thing is off And then it throws you into like oh my god. Am I alive or dead? Is this like some type of dream? I'm living not alive or dead But that happened to me that post dream I had about you and your sister and me in a van From that dream. I told you about we have to address this dream. Perhaps we should address it on a solo episode

Yeah, we'll bring it up anyways guys. Thank you for listening. Craig's awesome My favorite late night host ever wish he would have loved you steven colbert, but wish he would have been the late night guy Oh, he would have been he would have killed amazing and you're gonna have to apologize for that when steven colbert is on Oh, yeah, he's our guest next week. I forgot even colbert is He's also money. He's also money as well second city Shout out to second city Uh guys, you can follow us on instagram at tiger belly on twitter at that tiger belly and email us any questions at the tiger belly at gmail.com

Have a good night and uh, george say goodbye and to god look I don't I haven't learned it yet yet. Bye. Bye It's literally english We've been here for a week george. George. We've been here a week. You don't have to say bye. Bye. My guild bill is getting angry Oh Hey prime members you can listen to tiger belly ad free on amazon music Download the amazon music app today Or you can listen ad free with wondery plus in apple podcast

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