TigerBelly - Episode 188: Dane Cook and The Pressure Players

Episode Date: April 3, 2019

Dane is the Waffler. Bobby is the truth detector. Khalyla forgives after a foot. We talk football guys, Marc Maron in shorts, shining a light on your hole, & living in a terrarium.Check out our bonus episodes:https://www.patreon.com/TigerBellySupport us by supporting our sponsors!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Welcome to another episode of Tiger Belly and I woke up from a nap But you know what I had to get up because um we have like a guest that like I've been friends with for a long time He's one of those he's the popular kid on campus You know how like you're always chasing the popular kids like you know endorsement and then when he says something to you You go. Oh, yeah, you know the the captain of the football team said hi Right and you tell all your friends and they go he said hi Like that my whole like, you know la comedy live has been that with this guy, you know of like Oh

Will he call you won't call, you know and You know, I have to say I'm gonna I have a lot of great things to say about him But I'm gonna introduce him, but first I want to say um before I even do that No, I'm gonna say I'm going to uh say that San Jose um All you people all you people came out and it was really great shows. I just flew back today. It was really great, you know, um all the shows sold out and then um also a Couple of people I told you what happened, right So anyway, look at him when he tells me these stories. I just like I like to tell like um

Yeah, Dane what the fuck are you doing? Well, yeah, all right, but hey guys, um, I want to say that I'm gonna bring up other guys. So, um He's from a Boston area. I Met him. I think I first saw him in a movie called mystery men Were you in that movie? Yeah, yeah, we just want not your head not your head. Yeah And he it was I think was seen what like People are auditioning to be in this like superhero team

Mm-hmm, and I remember the movie being not that good and then him coming on and going and like Almost stealing the scene like getting a huge laugh Yes, he was Stiller wasn't yeah, um, he then had um specials and Tour gas something to orgasm and HBO and just a bunch of leads and movies and then Tours and all that stuff man, and it's fucking really good to have a mr. Dane cookie morano plus Dane Bobby Lee miss mystery men they called me up and they said, you know, we want you to come in and

Be one of the auditioners to be a superhero I was like, all right, cool as kink usher was the director and he said all right. We wrote your part You're gonna be the waffler I was like, okay, cool, and I go should I he goes just you know bring it dress However, you want whatever you think for the character, so I I went home and I made the Utility belt with the truth syrup and the whist Travel whisk and I put burn marks griddle marks all of my I showed up on set and literally him and stiller and all these Guys come over and they're like, what the fuck are you doing? And I'm like, I'm the waffler

They go no waffle like you can't make a decision Waffler Really, I go this is funnier. No, but you really yeah, I swear. Did they make you take the stuff off? No, I said you did it that way. I said I'm doing it like This other way is not Good and they were like they probably want you know, we'll just pretend we're shooting we'll shoot it So we will we'll cut it out and then they shot it and they saw it in the editing room They want this guy's killing one of the weirdest things I've ever done because they you know for singles usually when you're with like big big stars

They're not there. It's usually like filling people and I I got to set and they had William H. Macy Paul Rubin's Hank Azaria oh my then stiller and Garofalo sitting in front of me when I did that Oh my god, and they're all like kind of laughing it, but stiller was not like He was not enjoying me. Yeah, he actually put the kibosh on it. He was like we're done Yeah, I've had that those kind of vibes on you know You show up to a thing and you realize that the power structure is you're the the bottom Like you have no like Voice at all you just have to do what they say to do and then even if you go outside the box

It's almost dangerous almost so it's like you just stay in this unfun. Those are the worst jobs Yeah, it turns out to be okay sometimes, but it's like you just get like like this is I have no friends here You know me everyone's bigger than me, you know, it's weird though something about being I don't know if you're like this But I'm better when I'm more uncomfortable. I'm better performer on stage when something's on my mind I'm better when they're like fuck. We're late now. We can't get the scene. We can do it once right I'm better there when I have a lot of time to you know kind of sit and marinate on it Yeah, it's good. Are you like this? Like if you see a bad crowd, can we hold hands? I know I understand that but the nerd in the football guy, they don't do that

Nerd in the football guy, you know, I'm not the foot. Yeah, you are the foot. I was never the football guy I know but it was perceived you have the shirt on look at the shirt I'm not the football guy Yeah, but you have to admit though, dude. It's like, um, I'm gonna just tell you about him. Okay in the late 90s early 2000s There was um a place called Dublin's that we would do stand-up on Tuesday night Oh, that's what I meant to do There's this box that he has in his room a chest of photographs and three quarters of them are of Dublin's Yeah, and I thought there are a lot of pictures of you there. That's I would love

I'm gonna Yeah, somebody sent it to us. No, you've always had them. This is when um, you still had, you know, you had to develop the photos Oh, are you sure those were the New Orleans photos with Vince Vaughn and New Orleans? I have those two I remember that. Yeah. Yeah. That was a great gig. That was fun. Yeah, that was fun weekend But um, and then it turned out to be bad. Dublin's Dublin and Dublin's Dublin's Jay-z Jay-z Ahmed Ahmed I met a man. I met a man. Yeah, Davis. Wait, why did you pause when I said I met a man? Because I was not you're absorbing it. I was not connecting. I met a man with Jay-z for a minute. I was like, did they collab?

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, you said Jay-z. I thought you meant Jay Davis running. No Jay-z. Jay-z Alright, that's right Jay-z Look at how I was such a I was really cool though. You did that. I hate myself right now But Jay-z um did but Dublin Dublin there and then um And then but Ahmed Ahmed and Jay Davis ran the room. That's right Tuesdays. Yeah, and it was a free show upstairs in an Irish pub Yeah, and um, I have to say free show. Yeah Yep, and I have to say it was just one of those nights where

And I've never seen anything like it. I don't think since it was always packed It was always it felt like this is the place to be right like you wouldn't have been able to get in It was his first come first serve. He even looks like he looks like he would have owned the place It was an Irish pub Don't be nice to him. He never gets kindness from any of us. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna be not here No, no, no, you can't be that. The jaw Show

I purposely just like Shunned him visually. I've never shunned someone visually before don't look at this little fucking guy Right. I love him though. But yeah, it was free. He wouldn't have been looking at it and it was like, um But, and I have to, and if I'm blowing wind up your bong bong, you have to kind of admit to some things though, which are realities of the situation. You know, I often call you the truth detector, so there's no lying in front of Bobby Lee.

Wow, really? Really? In this podcast, he has a motto that's, and where he says, I lie to win. It's not enough truth detector. I lie a lot. I lie a lot. But you know what?

That's the truth. Yeah, it is the truth. It's true. Thank you. Thanks for the bass, man. I love it. But the whole show was revolved, pretty much around your sack.

I don't think it was revolved, but I did close out a lot of those shows down there. Oh, let me ask you something. Something was happening. I felt it. I literally felt like after all the years of being like, I'm okay. I can get some lap.

I felt the consistency. Yeah. And week to week as I was performing there, I'm being serious. Like I knew over that first year I was there, I was like, oh, I'm becoming something. Yeah. And you could feel it because, you know,

you go to the comedy store back then was terrible. And there was just no one in the audience, even on a weekend. And it was almost as if like this style of performance is something of the past I felt like. Like it's dead. But then you go to the Dublin's and you go, no, it's young.

It's super hip. Can we get him some cough surprise? No, no, no. That's the way he does it. What happened here? It's the same exact cough. I got sick from her. Yeah.

Are we going to round robin this float? Is that what's going to happen? Are you going to get sick now? It's post nasal drip. It's making your throat itchy. I have the same thing. Okay. You're going to be fine?

The pressure. Can you just lay on your back and keep Ricola's in your mouth? Yeah. Anyway, it was like young. Like, you know, I remember going there and like. Yeah. All this Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.

All of them would come out. Like Cameron Diaz. All the cool kids. Back then. And we were cool kids with the cool kids. I didn't feel that. But yeah. Well, you were 47 years old at the time.

Oh, my God. No, we were the cool kids. We were cool, yeah. We were the cool. In that environment, that seemed like it was our sweet spot. And then it was, you would go up and usually you would have a good set.

And then afterwards, it would be like, like it was the only time this has ever happened where every time you had somebody give you a car, like a business car. Right. Like I'm from this huge company. I'm Dave Becky.

I'm this, you know. Yeah, yeah. And they would want to, you know, do business with you. It was that incredible. But the whole thing was surrounded, revolved around him. Right. And he would come up and that was like, you know, I mean, I'd seen people crush before.

I've seen, back in the late 90s, I saw Pablo Francisco rip up a room once, you know. I've seen Mencia, although, you know, we didn't even know about him, but he. We know. Mencia in a packed room, you know, in San Antonio, rip up a room. Right.

It's, I've seen it, you know, and. I've seen you rip up. I've done okay. And then I've seen him, you know, the captain doesn't get compliments. And, but it was something, there was a weird thing happening where people were like, that's that guy.

Like, you know, and then you after that, you're gone. It was, it was unbelievable, man. It literally was, I remember the first two times doing the gig versus, you know, maybe like a year and a half later, I was getting paid like, you know, whatever, some, some pretty decent college gigs. And then a year and a half later,

I was like living my dream, my pipe dream of what I hoped comedy would be. Yeah. Happened while I was incubating at Dublin's. Like you were at that, remember the on Fouton used to live in that apartment building? That's where you and I had an amazing conversation. One of our first, I said I wouldn't bring it up

on the podcast. What was it? It was, you know, it was an intimate conversation. We had a heart to heart that I don't know if either one of us were expecting. We thought we were just going to shoot the, you know, I remember having it, but I don't forget what the thing it was about.

Get some hands, drop some hands. It was, it was just, I think we were just. Was it about, was it the thing that you, what about my sexual things that I would do? It wasn't about sexual things, towards me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what I'm saying. Go job. No, no, no, no.

Oh, that sounded weird. That sounded fucking weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounded really weird, aren't you Canadian? Yeah. That sounded weird. No, this is what I meant to say that. No, no, no, no, no.

The hugging and the. What I was known for, and this was like, people didn't like me for this, was I was known for like, if I see a guy at a club, I knew I would grab onto them and I would squeeze their ass or I would do some sort of. For a very long period of time. Yeah.

We've all experienced it. For like a half an hour. For like maybe like a good, realistically like 40 seconds. That's a long time for somebody to embrace you and go, hi, hi, hi and pat you on the back. Yeah. He's the only one. Until the day.

He's the only one in life, right? That I've ever done this too. That figured out the antidote. Yes. I saw it coming. I remember where we were. Right, right. We were at XS.

What's XS? It was in Dublin's. It was a Hollywood Boulevard of Hollywood, right? It was. Yeah, yeah, over there, yeah, yeah. It was a shit show. Yeah, a shit show, yeah. And then you tell them what happened.

And so I see, I see Billy come in and I'm like, he's gonna come over. You wouldn't have to get that. You wouldn't have to get it. He's gonna be lying right over to me. And so I prepared myself. And when he got right up to me, I turned, I bear hugged you

and I fell on the floor on top of you. Yeah. And I took that 40 seconds and parlayed it into about two and a half minutes. I didn't let you go for at least two and a half or three minutes. Yeah, he did this cougar. I was like, I love you, I love you, Bobby Lee.

I love you. It was kind of perlating. It was the way you would do it. I couldn't fucking move. It was so intrusive. You were just like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, and then after that, I stood up and I go, oh, I can't do that to him anymore.

You literally retired right there too. I did. I'm done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I won't do that to you again. I never did that again. And you know who heard about that and did it was Renna Zizzi.

Steve Renna Zizzi heard that you did that and he did it to me too and I never did it to him again. So that was literally the antidote, right? Connors learned. But you guys in this room are employees. It sounds so weird. No, it is. And I'm going to say this right now, right?

There is no antidote. There is no pathway out. You take it. That's not true. Because I remember when George went to the mountains and he sent you a dick pic and made you feel very, very uncomfortable. Can I say this though?

What we were talking about earlier, right? It's still bro shit, right? It's like, you know, hazing. It's like, you know, we're college kids, you know, having fun. What he did was homosexual. Yeah. Yeah, that right there.

When you sent a dick pic to somebody, a dude, another dude, that's. But it was a stylized. No, no, no, no. It was stylized because it was. It's not stylized. His dick's not stylized. His dick was in the air.

It was tasteful? Yeah, it was. Was it flaccid or was it like? It was half that. It was half that. Was it a katana or was it the tip of Florida? It was mid-range. It was mid-range.

It was, you know, and you know that it could have been either full at one point or it's getting full, but it wasn't flaccid. And is he a ginger in the balsam area? Yeah, look at his face. Yeah, it's gross. He looks like Tormund from Game of Thrones. My favorite.

I love Tormund. He looks like a brush on Tormund. Tormund is sexy. You watch that show? Love it. Me too. I have a theory. I have my own.

I don't know if we want to go down that. Or a week away, you might as well drop it. Drop your theory. I'll give you my really super condensed. I think, okay, I think Cersei initially is going to win. And I think that Jaime is going to kill his own sister. And Jaime is going to end up taking it. And he's going to bring Tyrion as his hand of the king.

Because he knows he needs Tyrion. So you think Tyrion's going to betray the Nares? They're going to die. Oh. There's no happy endings here with Jon and Danny. Now with a white walker. Do we have to stand or we all do? When I get really excited, I stand.

That was an incredible theory. So what you're saying is that Cersei, right, Jaime is going to kill his sister, his lover. And that's why in the last episode of the last episode, they had the seven seasons. When the two were making love in the boat, the dwarf came out. Tyrion came out.

And there was that ominous like, it was a wide shot, but he was deep into this, by the stairs looking. And you knew that there was something going on. I wish they added the Brady Bunch. No, no, no, no. Right, right, right. From the Hawaii episode, right at that point, with the tarantula coming down the wall.

Yeah. Yeah, but he did do that. He was like standing there and he walked away. So there's something going on with that guy. What's your theory and what happens with the white walkers? With the Night King. I think they're going to be destroyed, ultimately. And I think Dany's going to die by her own dragon,

the ice dragon, because it's that whole theme of kids taking over the lineage from parents. So I think her child kills Dany. Wow, you really thought this through. Yeah, but the thing is, is that that can't happen. I'll tell you why that can't happen. You're probably right. It can happen because we know that Game of Thrones

has thrown things at us that were like the wedding and what's his name dying in the beginning of the first show? Ned Stark. Yeah, Ned Stark dying. I think that North wins. I think the Starks are at the top at the end. I think between John, Arya, and Sansa. That's what I want, at least.

That's what I desire. I don't think that's going to happen. I think it's closer to maybe what he's saying, but I think that the Starks, somebody has to win. You're not going to go through Arya and the war. What's his name? Bran. And all their voyage and their point of view

and all that stuff, just to die at the end. I think there's going to be some Worgen going on. I think Arya's skills over being like is going to use all that stuff. I always said Bran was the strongest one, because if he can Worgen to a dragon, I think it's Game of Thrones. Bran's going to kill the Night King by probably becoming him, because he can time travel. And then it'll make the whole full circle of Jaime winning,

because he threw Bran out the window, which got everything in motion for him to become the White Walker to kill those, so that army's gone and then Jaime can take over. Oh, my God, what are you doing? My eyes are fucking getting away. You just sit at your house and write all this down? I'm going to give that a little bit. That's incredible.

So many theories. There was always the theory that Bran was the Night King, but that makes it clearer how he would become the Night King. Look at how Bran is dressed in the last full season. Armored. He looks just like the Night King. OK, so what you're saying is this. So you're saying that.

Are we recapping? We just recapped. I know, because I don't fully, you know, when people talk, no matter how much I'm listening, I'm dumb. My brain, it takes a while, right? I need two passes, right? So I need a clearing pass. This is what I call the clearing pass, right?

And here's a clearing pass. So what you're saying to me is this, is that, what's his name? Bran. Bran. Bran is the Night King, the main guy. Although, I guess they do have structurally the same kind of face. Yeah, they can travel back in time, Bran can.

Bran can travel back and forth. So he wargs into who? The Night King. Right, how? He goes back in time. I've never seen Bran. No, I think I'm going to take it a step further. I don't think he worked, I think he threw whatever

that osmosis of time travel, you know, when his eyes turn white and the longer he stays in there, it's not supposed to be good for whatever your mentality. What if, by the end, his eyes are white and then they just slowly crystallize and turn blue because he stayed in there too long and he becomes the Night King? Oh my God.

Can't wait to have kids and just tell these dead stories. It's incredible. Do you hate people that go, I don't like fantasy, I don't watch that. Because it's like, no, no, because it's, no, I get angry. I don't care what people don't like. I think I was on the receiving end to bring it back to me for a second.

I was on the receiving end of so much animosity after hitting such great peaks that it put me through this ringer of like, it made me appreciate like not judging artists and artistry. I don't do it. And I was a hypocrite before. I used to do the same thing. This guy sucks.

But we're all in a process. We're all growing, we're all evolving and hopefully putting that back into our creativity. So glad you brought that up. Because, and I'm not gonna say, I don't know what it is, but there is- Maybe it's love. I don't know, probably it's love.

Hold hands. But there is a shift. You've always been, I've always liked you. I've never been like, fuck that. I loved you. I've always loved you. You've always been fair to me. We've very, very nice to each other.

I feel like we've always had a really, yeah. But there has been in the last, I think year, maybe, yeah, year where I've noticed that you've just been, you know, you've always been nice, but like there's a shift in your approach and up to people and your shift in your, your smiling and just, you know, a little bit softer

than I've ever seen you. Right. Cause I used to come in hot. Hot. And you, and I would come in hot too if I were you. I mean, sometimes I come in hot, but, but there is something that happened. What is it?

Did you have like a revelation or cause something happened? Yeah. I mean, listen, this is my 29th year for me. How long you been in? 23 or 23 years. Okay. So 29 years doing standup comedy. And you gotta realize, again, it's a lot, but to put it in the simplest three acts was like the first act of my career from 90

when I started all the way up to, you know, 2001 was just struggling, trying to make ends meet. It appeared when comedy was oversaturated, comedy central, it destroyed comedy with too many shitty comics that they were putting on. And then the comedy albums were dead. It was literally a dead form. It was dead.

You couldn't get a comedy record deal because why there, there's no need. It was a promotional item is what they called it at comedy central. So I finally break through and I break through at a time when even though I've been working hard, I'm not quite ready for everything that's about to happen.

Cause I'm a kid. Yeah. And my ego and vanity and all the stuff that are of alpha men coupled with, I'm a deeply insecure person. Now you probably wouldn't sit here and say like, oh, I see that cause I don't wear it on my sleeves. I see it.

But I wasn't the football dude. I was the quietest kid in school. And so I'm becoming this known entity, frat kind of comic or whatever the label was. But off stage, I was more low key. So when people saw me coming into those environments, I came across probably a fault of my own as being a little bit like standoffish,

but it was just more my own insecurity that was keeping me from ingratiating myself. Yeah, but it happened in the last, the third act, the last 10 years, it's like, everything happened with my parents. I lost, you know, my mom and dad, same year, all this stuff with my brother, all this stuff with backlash.

And it just kind of humbles you in a way that you finally have perspective. And I didn't have the perspective until really the last many, many years. Yeah, I do remember going to the Grove once and seeing you and your parents. I really did. And I remember sitting,

I didn't even say hi, I don't think do you. I think I was at the Grove. It was the only time I think they were ever together out here. At the Grove? Yeah, to visit me. Yeah, and I saw you guys in the Grove and you had your arms around,

I'm gonna get emotional, I don't know why, but you guys had your arms around both of them. And I remember thinking, oh, what a great family, you know what I mean? And then I found out that they passed. It was like really, I'm sorry, man. Yeah. It was an impossible time.

That's the only way I'd describe it. It was impossible to deal with losing my best friend, my mom. And then a week after my mom passes away, a week my dad comes to me and he's like, I have cancer and I have six months to live. So nine months, both parents gone. Oh my God.

Yeah. What do you do? I mean, how do you? I just went to work, man. Honestly, I went to work. The one thing that they raised me to do was follow my dream of being a performer. So I felt like they could vicariously

still be living through me by me succeeding more. That was also another big catalyst. When my mom was sick, I accomplished so much in those couple of years because I wanted to show her every fucking thing. Oh, man. So SNL, all that stuff came from me telling her, I'm gonna do all this stuff.

And kind of the pressure of feeling like I was keeping her alive because her immune system's good because she's happy and seeing her son reveling in this excitement. So weirdly, I felt like the prognosis for health with my mom was like, just keep doing stuff. Keep showing her more social stick around.

I'm gonna get emotional. I just didn't want her to leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man. Wow. Yeah. But so that- You're not wrong about that. I think that is what keeps people around longer.

Yeah. And that feeling of excitement and looking ahead and knowing that you, they always say that even with terminal patients, they last longer when they're happy. And you probably gave her extra time because you made her happy. Yeah, she did.

She stayed alive longer than what they anticipated. Wow. So yeah, man, the last bunch of years, and again, I think you and I have always had a, for whatever reason, we've always had an easier, quicker connection than some of the other people that we could name names or not.

Yeah. And I've felt like I was a little prickly. And so I always appreciated that. Yeah, yeah. I love your word. Prickly's a good word. It's a great word. Yeah.

And here's the thing though. It's like, to some, it's a competition, right? And in many ways it is, but I don't think it's a competition between you, me, and like the guy that I'm always compared to is with Ken Jeong or another Asian guy, right? And it's like, and people try to get my mind toward the competitive side of it and put us,

pit us against each other. Right. But I just, you know, many times I'll be like, oh, you know, I'll see a billboard with him in a movie or whatever. And I'll immediately, my first response would be to go inside myself and to go, what's wrong with you?

You're a loser. You know, look at, he's killing it. You're not, you know what I mean? But then I immediately go to, it's not competition. I love him. I went to his wedding. He's my friend. And then you go through the like normal things.

What's the smile? Why are you smiling? Oh, nothing. Tell me why you're smiling. When you see a picture of Ken Jeong. Yeah, yeah. I know exactly what your next step is. What is it?

Do you really want me to say it? Yeah, but I will cut it out if it's weird. She's going to say it. Totally still, so the edit looks all right. I feel like we look at people like that. And if we're being really just transparent here, that's because we know we're capable of doing those things as well.

As good as our quote unquote competition. My competition is actually my accelerant. My competition is like how the Rolling Stones used to bring amazing bands to open up for them. So they'd have to kick ass fucking more instead of putting somebody who's kind of like, you know, new to the game. That's so interesting that you say that.

Yeah, it's a lot of therapy, dude. A lot of therapy helped me shift the whole universe of how I see, I'm more introspective. And I like, I like, I feel more comfortable having these kinds of conversations because it's, we're all evolving, man. You know, it's, we're all. We're evolving on our journey.

And what you said that it's funny that you say that because, you know, I've been bringing openers on the road as of late. Then I know I can follow. That's not true. Well, no, no, the last couple of, I'm saying the last couple. The last couple have been really strong.

You had Esan, you had a lot. Yeah, but they're not Fihim Anwar. And, you know, that's like, Hayes is Shrayo. Fihim Anwar and Hayes is Shrayo when they go up before me. There is glimpses of me go backstage like, am I going to be a, you know, I just, am I going to be a follow? But you always, that's your windup.

That's my thing. I've never seen you walk into a club. And they go like this, hey, you're on next after so and so. And I've never seen you be like, cool, good to go. What am I like, what am I like, what am I like? No, you're like this, oh, oh no, are you clean? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, or I've done this move.

Oh, you know, I have another spot somewhere else. So I can't even do it. And they go, are you really where? Oh, it's a one night, it's a one night. I don't, you know what I mean? Like, because they can call me a lineup. And it's like, let me say the thing. I used to do that.

I don't do that anymore. Like, honestly, I've, if Rogan or Bill Burr or a date or I followed you a bunch of times in the last year, I'm good about that now. I think I feel, I believe, I believe Canadian that I can follow anybody. I really do believe that. But on the road, it's a little different

because they're my audience and it's also packed and it's also, they don't expect someone like a Fihiman war to be that good, right? He's clever, he's a great joke writer. You know, his thought processes, it's all thought through the bits. And so at times, I, you know, I've gone, oh my God, this is, but, and I, I, but you know,

I've always been able to follow them. And I feel like sometimes I bring weaker people so it can make myself easier. But I don't think that that's probably even as good. Probably not. Right, right, right, right. That's fucking interesting that you say that. Yeah, you got to, I think you're a,

keep your back up against the wall kind of guy. I think you're better when you're, when you think you're fighting for your life. And I'm like that too, man. I'm like that too. If I come into a situation and I'm completely like kick my feet up comfortable, I'm probably not going to do as well.

I'm a pressure player and I think you're a pressure player, which means I don't know how you were in school, but days of tests, I wouldn't even do my homework ever at home. But I'd scrambled to learn it an hour before and study. That's me. Those were the ones I did well in. Yeah.

The stuff I planned and tried to do on my homework. Fucking Ds. Same with essays or papers that I have to turn in. It was like, if I, if I planned it three weeks in advance, that paper was going to be shit. But if I forced myself two hours of creativity under pressure, I would bang out the best shit ever. We're pressure players, man.

That's it. Yeah. That's so interesting. You say that because you're right. Like even like if I'm on a set or something I'm doing and I'm completely comfortable, it's pretty garbage. It's, it's when it's when like I walk home and like, oh my God, that was hard.

Yeah. They can't give me notes, right? And I did it and they're like, it's not doing it right. And then I walked out of a way for a bit, came back. I was able to nail it. But you know, and then it's like, you look at it and you go, oh no, that, that was good. Yeah.

And the jobs where I come home and I go, that was the funnest time I've ever had. Long footage. Yeah. Yeah. Me and this guy and this guy, you know, we piggyback each other and went into the ocean and, and then we went on set, you know, play.

And then it's like, you watch it. It's like a YouTube video, a movie. That looks like a YouTube video. Like terrible. Yeah, man. Long footage. Yeah. Do you still audition and shit or no?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because I know that. I think it's definitely, it's like, because there's so much content and stuff that's being made all the time that everybody wants to get in on now. So the auditioning is back at like, I think everybody's in the room.

I see a lot of people that I'm like, you audition? Oh shit. Yeah. You seem like you'd be great at auditions. Um, I'm, I'm pretty good at, uh, being in front of like, that small group of people and not being uncomfortable when it's producers and all that stuff. Mm-hmm.

But I'm not as good when I, I don't know. I'm just not like self tapes and stuff. I don't feel the pressure. So I don't get a lot of response. Yeah, he's the opposite. Really? Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is, now we're on to something.

Because the last three self tapes. Now we're on to something. I thought we were on to something. Is there another? Now we're on to something even different. A different time. 40 minutes. We haven't been on to anything.

No, we've been, I know, we've been on to something. No, we've been on to something. Let's just start it here. Cut the, cut the previous. I don't know. We're on to something again. Again, again. We're on to something again, guys.

Jesus, this guy. Um, but you're right. It's like the last three or four tapes I've sent. Real, not really, I didn't get them or no response, really. Yeah. And I think that, you know, the ones that I do go in is it's more of a. Well, this is what's different about you. If people, he, he has an aura about him that I feel like in person,

you do give off a very, very different aura than when you're on a tape. Because you are a special. What's an aura? I mean, I mean, just your, your energy, you're very eccentric. You're very, um, weird and, um, and you do little things that make people laugh. Like when you're not doing your scene. Right, right, right, right.

And people remember that. They remember how you made them feel. Danny DeVito got taxi because he had auditioned for so many things in New York city where he's told his agents and managers, send me in. If it says six foot tall, send me in, send me in. And he knew he wasn't going to get the role. Yeah. They remembered him, they remembered him.

And then finally they, you know, the one that mattered came, you know. The one that mattered taxi. Yeah. The one that mattered came. It's so interesting. And it's like, you know, when you go in there, sometimes they're not even, sometimes they don't even want the guy that knows the scene inside and out. And there's like, you know, sometimes they want, you know, somebody that's just

like different or. Well, Eric Stone Street said it best. He's like, if you nail your audition, then they know that's your ceiling. If you give them something where you're, where they can use their imagination and say, you know what, you nailed this part. I wonder how much better he could be. There's more of an intrigue rather than, okay, that was the best. That's the best thing.

He's a thespian. He's, you know, he said something to me once I was in an audition, right. And he was shooting. He was on modern family and they were shooting in the area where the door of the audition was. And he saw me walk in, right. And he saw me like I looked at him. He knows how nervous I get.

I get really nervous. And I sat in this audition, right. I signed up my name. You know, little things like, what time did you come in? And why is the, why is that? What time did you get there? And what time is your audition? And I always fuck up and put the time of my audition in the get there.

And then I'm like, oh, they're gonna think I walked in, right? I'm fucked. I already lost this part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But why doesn't he even need to just check? I don't know. What is it? Makes no sense.

So you sign, there's like three, four columns, right? Yeah. You have to put your agency. Agent, yeah. Oh, that's bullshit. Sometimes I just go ditto ditto, right. From the other people. And I sat there and I was.

Or you just read the other names. You're like, who the fuck else was in. Oh, I've done that. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes you see some names. You're like, what the fuck? It sucks when you're like, I'm going in for Nick. And then you're like, everybody's name is on there for Nick.

And I was sitting there really nervous and Eric walks into the lobby. But I thought he was going to raz me or tease me or whatever. And he comes to my ear. He whisper something. You know what he says? It doesn't need to be perfect. And he walks out. And I'd had a good audition.

And I thought to myself, that right there is a true fucking friend. I mean, somebody, like I have some friends that would try to sabotage it. Really? I would have a friend come in there. I know I'm going to name names I'm not going to that would walk in there and go, don't fuck this up. It means everything and walk out, right? But that guy, Eric Stone Street said, you know, you got this.

It doesn't have to be perfect. And that's a gift when that's a real friend right there, man. Well, you know, I was in all the castings on all the Lionsgate movies that I did. So I read with a lot of people because I just wanted to see their, see the process. A lot of people, a lot of people in LA are not prepared when they come in, which is wild. Yeah. Like look terrible, terrible attitude. I couldn't believe how limited our choices were based on people that came in.

That were like bright eyed and ready to go. Wow. Everybody else looked like they just rolled out a hide 22 minutes ago. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Just like a little dipty-doo in their hair. But I think somebody once told me though that that's how you go in. You go in not wanting it, right? You go in like you're above it, like you're dressed like I'm doing something, you know, like. That's insulting though. But that's what they've someone told me that once, like an incredible person told me. It was Eric Stone Street.

He whispered that on another day. Hey, don't take a shower. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I mean, you're right, it's probably doesn't, you know. If you're like grossly unprepared, that's just an insulting. But now there's so many other factors. There are some places that want to know your Instagram numbers when you audition. You know, I'm sure you know that.

You know the politics about here. It's so very political, competitive, and then the comedy world, and then everything, the extension of it, this is like a, this is like an obstacle course out here, man. You know, and it's a lottery. There's a lot of factors. It's weird because I think part of it is, remember when you did that movie with Casper and these kids had like 7 million followers. YouTubers, yeah, and it's just a security to get their money back, you know, to make

sure that whoever these young kids that follow these guys are going to buy the movie on iTunes and they know for a fact they're going to get their money back. Yeah, I've done like three YouTube star movies and it's like, it's really interesting because number one, it's not their thing to sit on a mark and just, you know, they don't know what the cameras do or like, you know, and what Jib is or, you know, in terminology and they're just learning on their feet and I'm like totally there to, you know, support them, but it sucks for people, young comics now because, listen, I've been on a network sitcoms, maybe a third year coming and not a single person, you know, I've been on a

show and has said to me, I love you on that show. My point is not because I'm not good on it, it's a point, but Eric Stone Street, come on in. Eric. But my point is that there's so much out there, right? There is so much out there. You have to be in a culturally like a Game of Thrones, Handmaid's Tale, something that shifts cultures.

But I also feel like you're such a big, I'm not saying that you're, you don't bring value to the show that you're on, I'm sure I didn't, I haven't seen the show, I'm sure it's a great show, but, and I said this to you in the club a few years ago, we were having like one of our just, you know, Stark, get to the point of it, I said, Bobby, your, your vehicle is going to be something you make, that's you in the center, you're Barry on HBO. There is a fucking show that I see and I'm a visual person, you doing, that you still haven't done yet.

I haven't. Maybe you haven't had the opportunity. Maybe you haven't been there. I don't have no opportunity. I haven't done this. You have been directing, right? I saw you direct something. Yeah.

The next phase of my whole shift is like I'm writing, directing, producing. Oh, yeah. You know what Jordan, Jordan's doing. I love it. Did you see us? Yeah. It was amazing. I saw it.

I liked it better than get out. Really? Yeah. A lot more layers, a lot more layers. Yeah. I have to see it. I feel it was not good. So do you wrote something?

That's the thing that you just shot? Cause I saw you on Instagram. I co-wrote a short and directed it and basically what I liked about it was it was not a story that had anything to do with me or what people know of my comedy. My friend Monib Abbott is a Middle Eastern actor in LA and he goes in for terrorist roles literally every week and he's from Sacramento and all he does is go in for NCSI, he blows up the helicopter. So we talked about it and we wrote a story about what his life is in LA.

So it's like entourage with Middle Easterners. That's a great fun idea. It's funny. It's got some good heart. It's a great idea. And it looks unbelievable and honestly it's really not anything to do with me. I had the great cinematographer Ivan Rodriguez. It looks like we spent $300,000 on it.

We didn't. But I'm psyched man. It's like- Are you having a screening? I'd love to see it. I mean we would love to come in. I'll send you the link. I'll just send it over.

You have it. It's all ready to go? Yeah. I'm being real though. I'll send it over right now. I'll send it over. Do you do it on one of those where you put the code in? You know how they go.

Here's the code. Here's the code. It's private. So I go, what's the code? I put the code in and I'll see it once. I uploaded it to a site called U-Porn. Oh yeah. I just threw a couple of-

I have a membership. I have a membership. I just flew a flapping. He sent a dick pic and I tagged it at the beginning. Now do you still live in that one house where you do the barbecues out? Yes. That house is so nice. That's probably the house that I'm going to stay in.

I don't- I'm a creature of habit. I'm ready to just settle down in that spot. We're looking for a house now. And because I've been here in this thing for 12 years, 13 years. You've been here 12 years now? Yeah. I've been like- I thought when you're single and you know when this thing was brand new and I'll buy that and I'll live out my days but we have a big family now.

We have cats and dogs and I want to buy a house and we've been looking. We put some bids in. But the thing is, your house though, I love his house because you did those barbecues there. You don't do those anymore, right? I do. Yeah. I didn't go the last year.

I didn't do it last year. I was away. Oh, okay. Yeah. And I don't know if I can do it this year because I'm away doing gigs. I almost took it personally. No. But I did it two years before that.

I love you buddy. You're always invited. Even if I don't invite you, you're invited. I know. I think one of them I did to do that. But those barbecues are fucking amazing. They did remind me of kind of the Dublin days where you see people that you don't normally see at the club level and you see guys like Mark Merrin wear shorts, which is fucking

weird. And sandals. He wore sandals. I know. Yeah. That was fucking weird. WTF. Right?

Yeah. Right? Boop. Yeah. Dane Cook. Can I get philosophical about this location you live in though? I love philosophical. You've been here 12 years.

How long have you been actively looking for a new place? Two years. Okay. You're, you're, this is one man's opinion, so don't kill the, the two cents. Okay. You're keeping yourself here. You're keeping yourself in a confined space and some of its security and comfort and because you know you, you're familiar.

If you put a plant in a small pot, it grows about this big. If you put a plant in a huge vat, it fucking goes up to the ceiling. Same with lizards and terrarium. Bobby, you gotta move and you need to expand so you can expand as a thinker and as a person. No, you're fucking, fucking. Two years? Come on. Is that why he's so short?

Maybe. You know, animals grow according to their where they're in, where their cage is. So that's maybe why it just stopped growing. Maybe. It's not a really legitimate height thing. It's just, I know, I, okay, can I say that I like your size by the way. I like it too. Don't ever look at me like that again and say that.

Okay. I like your size by the way and it's fucking weird, all right. You're fun size. You fucking son of a bitch, thank you. But you're right. I did list the last month we've bidded for two houses. Good. They're still on the right because we've been a little, you know, I have a certain budget

and I went a little higher. So we have cut to, you know, and then we're looking, but I think we're in the next couple of months. We will be moving and I want to grow. I want to grow. I have a fear of big, wide open spaces though. I have to far. Go ahead.

I like that we've been, I don't know, it sounds terrible, but him, you know, because we're so, we're so close and attached at the hip and we've made it work here that I've, even he's like, we need to get a king size bed and I'm like, no, no, no, you know, double forever. So cause I need that closeness and I think I have a inherent fear of that. You'll still have the closest. It's not like you're going to move to the Serengeti and be like, oh, we're in a, you know, it's just, you'll, you'll be closer.

Yeah. You'll be closer. Yeah. Even with more space around you because you'll be happier. You'll be more content and, and yeah, you know how I said, we're pressure players. Yeah. When I left that apartment and bought my house, I couldn't afford the house that I was in. I wasn't quite ready to have that house at that time.

I've gone through all this crap with my business manager, all the, I couldn't afford that house, but I forced myself to get in a situation that I had to survive to keep it. Whitney did the same thing. That's what he needs. He comes before she did two broke girls and before she was on her own show, Whitney, right? This is during the Chelsea lately days. She goes, I'm buying this house and it was so much money and I go, oh, you're doing that. He goes, no, I'm not doing that good, but I feel like I'm, I can do it.

I'm going to force myself to do it. So that's, you know, yeah, I believe what you're saying. She lived home. Oh my God. To what she believed. We got to get a $6 million house. We do. Oh God.

It's part of the visualization. I'm going to fart. Oh, you look up. I do have, I do have to say, I wanted to always say this to you is that, um, you know, um, when you sprung into, you know, stardom, you know, super stardom, but yeah, super stardom and Madden's Square Garden, all that stuff, right? Um, I've always said about you. I've always, you know, people go because people that don't know, you know how I want

to say this in the right way, right? Some guy that doesn't know who Dan cook is, then they see this kid, this good-looking white kid who's energetic and physical and crushing. They blow up and they go, well, you know, these goofy, they'll say something, right? And I wish that would tell people, I go, did that guy, that guy's a fucking beast. This dude right here is back in the day. I'm not, I'm not, aside from all the shit you did, and I'm not kissing your ass. And I, and I've, I've said that about other guys too, where, you know, you watch somebody

and you go, holy fuck, like that's what he did to that fucking room, especially the shows that I would see you in is in LA, right? Where it's jaded and, you know, you have so much competition and, um, it was cool to do oddball, even though, you know, we didn't hang out that much, you know what I mean? But it was, I saw him, you know, was he, were you part of the first class group and no, we were the last, the last, we shut it up, we shut it up, we shut it down, no, I mean, on the plane. He's really good because he parlays the laugh into the cough, see how he does that.

I know your blood, blood, well, um, yeah, when we showed up at the Burbank airport, yeah, do you remember, you guys were all in first class and I was in coach, so you were part of the first class, I was part of the very last one that went out with Sebastian, yeah, but no, the first class on the plane, first class, yes, yeah, yeah, right. So they would like Thompson would throw pillows at me back there and stuff, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because no one told me that I had that, like my manager is like, no, I got the ticket. Then you know that I'm flying out with a bunch of comics, they're all going to have first class, why wouldn't you get me one, by sweetie, it's two hours, right?

But I was just humiliated, that's all, but you guys made it nice. Yeah, yeah, we felt great up there, we just felt great about ourselves. Was it funny? Were you laughing? No. Yeah. No, everybody put their headphones on. It was you, Sebastian, Thompson girl, what a great group.

What a great group. Yeah, it was fun. I was glad I could be a part of that one. Yeah, it was fun. And I just couldn't believe that we have you here. It's like, honestly, like, but it's, of course, because we've had, we've known each other so long. A long time, man.

A long time. We've seen battles, we've seen ups and downs, all kinds of shit, like the same war or something. Yeah, man, we've been on a lot of shows with incredibly prolific comics, comics that aren't even with us anymore. The Freddy Sotos and there's a lot of dudes, we were, we were on some really significant lineups, man. So I'm proud of our, the legacy that we have laid and just think of what's next. That's what I'm always excited about.

Death. Think of what's next. Death. No. You're right. You know what? You're right. And, and also the whole key to the whole thing, if you're young and want a new comedy

and really is, it's two things. You have to work hard, you have to go up on stage, obviously, right? But it's also just not, they have had years, after Mad TV, you don't know this about me. I've had years that were really bad. We're like, I wasn't making a lot of money and I couldn't get anything going, you know? And then I've had amazing years, you know? It's ebbs and flows, it goes up, but I never quit. I would never quit, you know?

And you've never quit. And that's the number one thing. You just kind of keep going. If you have the talent, of course, you know? Because there's no, we're, I think we're always looking for some kind of end, end zone to make us feel like a real sense of accomplishment. Yeah. But let me tell you a quick story about Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis was one of my favorite comedians growing up. The guy was the biggest star in the world for many, many years with Dean Martin and he produced and directed and he built technology and he just, a pioneer on and off screen. And I became friends with him in his later years and he became a mentor and then he became actually family to me. So I talked to Jerry Lewis once a week. My childhood hero, I ended up getting into like some really deep, and I could honestly, like I can hear his voice now on a low moment in my life, literally calling me and talking

me up back to a place where I could function. I went and saw him do his show. He was 89. He'd been in show business ready, 84 years at this point. Oh my God. 84 years, every night Jerry would do his show. It was always the same show. And then the encore was questions with the crowd and that was always new because the

questions were real and random. So I would go because I liked seeing how he was during the Q&A. And then it was 30 minutes, all six times I saw him do it. And then the seventh time, he did about maybe 15 minutes and then the woman came out, took him by the arm and took him off and I went backstage. And again, this is just to show you, this is what we are as comics. This is where we're always going to be. Jerry Lewis, 89.

Accomplished the world. Yeah. I go into the back, he's stewing. He's literally sitting in a seat and he's rocking and he's shaking his head and I walk up and I go, Jerry, Jerry, is everything all right? And he grabbed me and he goes, they fucking lit me early. Wow. I had 15 more fucking minutes for Q&A.

He still had shit to do. He still has that. We all have shippers. Oh my God. You accomplished, you're already onto the next thing in your head. So just revel in, live in that. Yeah. Get into a new place, get into a bigger place, push your fucking, I'm gonna fucking do it.

So the end of our podcast, what we do is this thing called Unhelpful Advice. And we have people ask us questions and then you can give advice on ones that aren't helpful. Can this be sponsored by my Tell It Like It Is tour at DaneCook.com? Yeah. Is that what it is? Yeah. What's it called? Tell It Like It Is.

Tell It Like It Is tour. Yeah. And it's at DaneCook.com. Yeah. And I'm telling you, it's sleepers, okay? Listen to me, okay? You guys came out in droves in San Jose, come out for my boy right here, Dane Cook. What dates are coming up?

Everything's on the website. I get dates the rest of the year. Literally the rest of the year. I'm all over the US. You're gonna do every weekend for the rest of the year? Wow. Yeah. Okay.

So go to that everyone. Unhelpful Advice. And then I have a movie lined up with Dr. Ken. What's it called? Fucking sorry. I love Dr. Ken. Go ahead. Unhelpful Advice with Bobby Kalaila at DaneCook.

Brought to you by Tell It Like It Is tour. There we go. Hey, guys. When I was in high school, my dad took a job in Doha, Qatar. We lived in Boston for a four-year contract with the US government. My dad and I were very close and I had a hard time processing this. Three years into the contract, my parents tell me that my sister's... Wordy.

Getting a divorce. Oh, it's got three paragraphs. Getting a divorce because he had an affair with some Australian woman there. During the divorce, it was revealed to me that he spent the money my parents had saved for my college fund. Is this a real? On his new girlfriend's alcohol addiction and building her a new hair salon. Naturally I was infuriated and we haven't had a good relationship since.

Cut to in my mid-20s, now my dad has been diagnosed with diabetes. He seems to think this new diagnosis is a free pass for us to have a good relationship now. He's a nurse and he's expecting me to guide him through this disease. Am I still right to be upset and distance myself or should I forgive him and help out? Bobby, it's all lost on Bobby, so let me give you a quick synopsis. Yeah, I... Australia heard me.

No, no, no, no. Australia, not even. Look, listen. After Australia was out. His dad leaves for the Middle East when he's in high school, stays there for four years. Spends the kid's college tuition on a girlfriend that he met there to open up a hair salon. Dad now gets diabetes and thinks it's a free pass to be forgiven for blowing his college run on a woman he met in the Middle East.

You know, it's not a free pass, but it is your dad. That's your dad. Right? What? What do you mean? So forgive? I forgive. You know what I would do?

I'd say, you know what, dad? I want to help, but I want a piece of the hair salon. Maybe like a 10% bump each month. He still has the hair salon. Yeah, and the woman that he gave the hair salon to is apparently like an alcoholic, right? Yeah. He's an alcoholic. Yeah.

That's a tough one. I forgive. I'm all about forgivers. I'm all about forgivers. Yeah, yeah. It's his dad. Yeah. Well, you wouldn't.

What do you think? What's wrong, baby? I wouldn't blindly forgive. We would have a discussion. No, there'd be consequences. Like what? And I'd be reimbursed in one way or another because that is my call. It is my future that you've forsaken for an alcoholic lady who wanted to open a fucking

salon. Like I would judge. I would be really concerned about where his judgment is. But there's a whole other side of that spectrum, which is there's an alcoholic woman who has a hair salon. What's she up to? Yeah. She needed that cash to buy some, some booze.

Yeah. She was sick. But here's another thing though is I forgive him after he lost the foot. The way I would come on, you're going to let the diabetes get to that point? Yeah, I'd be like, you know what? But if he's like, let's say he's on the border of type two diabetes and he could still alter his lifestyle to be in better health. If that was an option for him, I wouldn't forgive him.

If he was, if he already had a gangrenous foot and then he had like a below the knee amputation, I'd be like, you know what? Now's the time. Oh my God. I'd gauge where his wound, his wound care. Because how do you follow? I mean, that's, that hypothesis is it. Whenever something like that happens though, it's like, I always think to myself, and maybe

this is like delusional thinking. I always think, oh, that's just the will, not God's will, but it's just the way it's supposed to be. And I'll go this way. Like if I was a kid, oh, my dad left, he took all my money, he's opened a pair salon. Oh, that's fucked. I guess he's out. I'm going to do this now because I have to survive.

But I always feel like this is the, what I'm supposed to be doing because it, I mean, the other thing happened. Do you think that that went on? The journey of this damn whole thing is just finding out how to let go of hurt and fear and pain. And so by, by perpetuating this, this person, whether if they don't help their dad, they're, they are just perpetuating the pain. They could stop the pain by saying, you know what, dad, I love you.

You're not a perfect person. I have some issues with you. I'm going to help you right now and then you're going to help me out with that. That's it. Right there, dude. Fuck Dr. Drew. This is the guy. Dr. Drew was here last week.

That's what I say every morning when I wake up. This guy right here. Fuck you, Drew. This is the guy. You know, it's, it's, it's, you know, that's, you know, I bet the woman in, in the Middle East, the alcoholics like, yes, I like that answer. Wow, man. Is that it?

That's it. Do you want more? Yeah. Is there another one that's a little bit more? Yeah. I'm going to get my mind wrapped around that one. This one. I'm 20 years old and recovering alcoholic drug addict.

I've struggled with it since I was 14 incest, incest alcohol with what? I think you said incest, but now I've been cleaned for over, I've been cleaned for over a year. Stop. Stop right there. We'll quick. Okay. Are you just reading web md?

Yeah. Yeah. What is this? Dr. Drew's website. I just want to say one thing. What are you and fans and so much pain? What's, what's fart rape? So is that when you dutch oven somebody?

You force your butthole on somebody? No. There's a new phenomenon where like women are telling guys not to fart because it's called, it's intrusive and guys fart louder than women. And now some feminists like hardcore ones are saying, you can't fart anymore. Oh gosh. And then when you fart, now it's, there's a new term called fart rape. Is that like when you farted in Krista's mouth?

Yeah. So if I, if that was real, I'd be in prison. Yeah. Okay. Absolutely. Go ahead. What's your interest with your question? Don't do it.

We're going to end on fart rape? No. You just farted right now when you told that story. I know. I farted right in the room. Oh my God. I smelled it right now. All right.

So yeah, I feel that at community college, even though I'm bringing my grades up now and making progress, it partly feels like I'm going nowhere in life. I feel like a failure. I'm on the verge of relapse. How old is he? 20. How can I stop being a little bitch and move on instead of dwelling on my past failures? You're 20, dude.

I mean, it's like, here's the thing. Okay. Those aren't considered failures. Yeah. But I got sober when I was 17. I stayed sober until I was 30. I relapsed. Everyone knows my fucking story.

Okay. But the thing is, is that everything that's happened, you know, from when I got sober the first time to now, I just, I wouldn't change it in any other kind of way because it led me up to, you know, being with Kalilah, you know, having this wonderful podcast, meeting this piece of shit, and then Aria, you know, start, you know, but everything I have right has to do with the past and it all led up to this. Yeah. You know, I met her on Tinder.

Like, you know, who knows what would have happened if I, you know, if I'd never just stand up or never came to LA, you know, and all the bad things that have happened for me to shift and get here, you know? So it's like, your journey has just begun and it's dark now, right? But you know, am I saying it right? Yeah. Yeah. I think that anything that's, anything that you want to accomplish in this life, here's

the truth, is like, it's going to be mostly failure, mostly, mostly failure, but you're not going to fail at all if you're not applying yourself. So you're either going to fail outright or you're going to fail forward until finally something starts to click. I'm not trying to be cynical, like just life is not, this whole ride isn't structured to be fucking feel good. Yeah. It's structured to make you see if you can elevate above the fucking toxicity.

Yeah. And that takes a long time. And you, you know, you did it, but it's like, it pulls you back down sometimes, man. Yeah. But there is something about, you know, when things for me get dark and I know generally what's causing it, like if it's drug and alcohol, you know, and I feel the suffering and the pain, I've had, I've lost, you know, a lot of things, not my life or, you know, I never lost like, you know, but I lost a TV job, I've done, and I've lost things, you know,

but it's like, um, in, and in standup, right? I, the only two things I did in my life that was really kind of positive and right is I trope one day I signed up an open mic and I went up and I consistently did that and I decided one day, one day at a time, I'm not going to pick up a drink and drug. I, everything else, I'm a failure. I don't know how to do anything else around those two things, but those two actions, those two things that I chose to commit to on a daily basis has got me this life. It's a great life, you know?

And so it's like that to me, you know, if I want to tell this guy, it's just, you know, you make a couple of decisions. I know it's overwhelming. I have to do this and this and I don't have a house and I owe this person money and all these things, right? But to me, it's like I had all those things, all those issues that normal human beings have, especially in this country, right? In the first rule country, but you all you have to do is make a couple of decisions.

You commit to those decisions and hopefully those are decisions that you take big risk. I mean, you're passionate about, right? And I was very passionate about being sober. Like when I, this last time around, I have 17 years now, but this first time around, you know, in Paul Hughes and Court McCown, all these guys, it was just a muffin, help me. But yeah, I had a chunk, but they, you know, in the beginning, they, they told me, you got to hit it hard.

So for eight years, I, every day I went to a meeting, I, you know, I did commit it to it. I, did I do the steps properly? I don't know. Did I call my sponsor every day? I'd have probably not, you know, but these are two things that I consistently did. So do two things, be passionate. And I'll think everything else will fall into play.

What book have you read? I know you fucking read a book. He should read the four agreements. Do you want to change your mentality? Miguel Ruiz. The four agreements. They helped me a lot. It's so fucking funny you say that because when I applied, I don't, I don't apply it

anymore. I'm not impeccable with my word. But when I did, in the first two years that I've read that book, my life was good. It's a great book. What are the four agreements impeccable with your word? Can we look it up because it's like, yeah, it's ambiguous, I like broke them down to like simpler. I know, but there's like the four are kind of, that's why I can't, I've read the book

a couple of times. Yeah. They're a little ambiguous, being impeccable with your word, don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Don't make assumptions. Those are three. And then there's always do your best. Always do your best.

Yeah. I don't take anything personally is, I think in the book it says, if a stranger walks up to you with a gun, shoot you in the head, it's not personal. It says that in the book, I think, you know, which is true, you know, and it's a very difficult one to apply, but it has everything to do with them. Yes. Thank you, baby. You're the smart one.

You're just the collateral damage to their demons. The most interesting people are trial by fire people. Anybody who's made it through fire, I'm close with. I have great friends. I agree 1000%. Yeah. I'm close with some scars. I like some people who, you know, Larry Moss, the great acting instructor, Larry Moss,

he said something so amazing years ago, as a birthday gift, I got a session with him, like a private one on one session. He's more of a therapist. You know, he's like, he, we talked about acting, but he was the one who said to me like, you're going to spend your whole life trying to fill a hole inside of you that you're never going to fucking fill. This is what I want to hear. And I said, I don't know what you mean.

He goes, yeah, you do. That's what happened to you when you were a kid. That's causing you to do A, B, and C. And I broke down. I fucking cried in this guy's acting lesson with this guy. And he goes, what is the hole? And this is what you need to work on. And this is what changed my life. Everything from this moment, 2010 up to now, he goes, find out what that void is and instead

of trying to fill it and hide it, fucking show it to people, share it and own it, put a light on it and make it yours. And I did. Wow. So that's what this guy's got to do. Wow. Let me see something to you, man. Put a light in your hole.

Put a light in the hole. Put a light in your hole. Tell me something that you think. Thanks, hook. All right. We would love to have you back on this program. Oh, thank you. Not being real.

I know. That's like, that's like the Johnny Carson you gave me the nod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not really. Honestly. And number one, and if you do yours, I'd love to do it. If you do one. That means a lot.

Thanks. I feel like I reconnected with you. I read in the connected with you. All right. It feels good in that way. And also, honestly, I'm on a thing. I'm doing a thing now. But if my show doesn't get picked up, maybe we'll do something one day, you know?

I would love that. Like pitching, you know, pitch each other ideas and maybe we can come up with something that's better. Even if I'm not involved in it. I'd love to be. I'd love to sit with you. Yeah, yeah. And really.

I think you'd be good at that. Talk shit. You have a great idea in you, man. Thank you. There's a great idea in there. You're gonna listen. I'm gonna. Now I'm gonna blow a little smoke up your fucking asshole.

Oh, blow, blow, blow. Light in the hole. It's like you. I've watched you kill and you're a very funny guy, but you're a very talented actor and stop selling yourself short, Bobby Lee, because you can do anything you put your mind to. And I believe this. And I know your fans do as well. And that's what I always wanted from you.

I don't think you believe it. You don't give me. You don't believe it. I looked at him. I've always wanted to give him. Today. Let's give this young man a round of applause. Shane Cook.

He was fucking amazing. And now it's so fun and easy. And I just knew that about him because we have history, you know, and we also did those shows with Vince Vaughn in New Orleans. Remember that back then? But you know what happened after that, right? No. Him and I got in a fight and he never talked to me again.

What? Yeah. Oh, that's something else. That's for something else. Okay. Maybe like maybe when I do my podcast. Yeah. Yeah.

I totally told you about it. I don't give a fuck at this point. That was like 20 years ago. I'm gonna give him a round of applause. Everybody. Make sure you check out the tell it like it is tour. We'll be right back with some housekeeping. What an episode.

Dane Cook. Bobby Lee. Best friends. Forever. I love how like Bobby always says that's exactly what I needed to hear. And he always has his like breakthrough moment of he's going to change his life. Wow. Wow.

That's it. That's exactly what I needed to hear. And then you're going to make me cry. Yeah. You're going to make me cry and then as soon as he leaves his door, I think I need to buy the four agreements. That sounds like a good book. I do.

Like I've never read the book, but I, I, I can, I can, um, I, those are good things to live by. Also. Can we explain the person that's sitting here? Yeah. Imagine if we just didn't. This is George. George is different.

Here. Here. Take the mic. This is, um, this is our good friend, Andrew. Oh, here. Andrew put the headset. Yeah. It's very polite.

Canadian. Um, I'm going to give a quick story. Um, when Bobby had a show at Yuck Yuck's in Vancouver, I think they're in the kitchen and right by my bed then when Bobby had a show in Vancouver. Um, I think they were all sold out shows, right? And, um, behind Yuck Yuck's, there's this little like alleyway and Andrew just happened to be there right when we were coming in backstage. And, um, who is that?

It's Colinda. She's crawling on there. Okay. Make sure it's just not who we are. Oh, it's a cat. Okay. And then, um, you gave us stickers that you had made. Yeah.

And a drawing. More stickers too. And, um, so we brought you backstage and you hung out with us and which isn't always the case. We ended up falling in love with you and every time we're in Vancouver we hang out with you and you drive us around and you take us to dinner and stuff. So, and Andrew is a great artist and he is in town and he's, he was our B camp today. That's why Bobby kept looking back and saying Canadian, Canadian, Canadian.

It wasn't Bryce. He was yelling at. No, no, no. It was, it was, it was Andrew and, um, um, give us your, your Instagram. What's your ID handle, bro? Have you ever seen his artwork? It's two. Andrew, hold up your sticker really quick for us.

Boom. Where? Where do I, where do I hold this? But you see that. It's your Instagram. It's T-A-V-U-K-C-I-Y-A-N to Vuxian. The, the piece up there in front, do you see your work up there in our living room? Yeah, I saw it.

It's so cool to see that. Yeah. It's always in like the vlogs and stuff, but you're awesome. Make a shirt. We need another sign. I would love, I would love to do that. I'm going to talk to you. Okay, cool.

But follow him. Your murals up in the city are amazing and really happy that you're here. And so, uh, Gil, what's up? Oh, just reminding everyone, our shirts are coming out soon. It's Bobby's, uh, I can't talk. Get on that mic. It's Bobby's, uh, me walking down the street together long sleeve. Look at the back.

Oh, shit. How beautiful is that? Would you buy that? I would, yeah. He's like, I could drop it. That's a great idea. I love that style. That's a ringing endorsement.

Um, Clown, any shout out, reverse shout out? We don't do reverse shout outs. Any shout outs. No, I'm positive. Any. Jesus. I pause out. Actually, I want to do a reverse shout out.

Yes. I want to do, I wonder if this is going to backfire. Okay. Well, can we like just process it? No, cause it has to do with a U S government. I want to do a reverse shout out to, um, cause Juliana, you know, my niece, she wanted to come to school here. And so she had her interview for a student visa.

We had all our ducks in line. I even have a lawyer and we checked off all the things that she needed to get done. And so she was basically a shoe. But the interviewer, God damn it, Gilbert, this is a serious story. Yeah. The interviewer basically said this, Oh yeah, it looks like, you know, you have enough, um, money on both ends, um, to secure that she won't be like a burden to look in American tax dollars or whatever.

But he was like, but I'm going to go off a hunch and say that, um, Juliana is never going to go back. When she gets to America, she's never going to go back to the Philippines. I'm like, motherfucker, she's been here like five times. She's gone back each time. You know, like, anyway, she got denied a student visa and so I'm salty about it. There's no other way to go around it. No, I'm making them reapply and hopefully get a different interviewer.

Oh, yeah, because it's like, I think they give too much discretion to these people. It's like, if you say this is what's required and I give you what's required, you can't all of a sudden be like, you know what? I have a feeling about you. You don't get to judge that. I think you just follow the objective criteria. Yeah, you have to be objective. They can just be racist or not racist, but, um, I don't know, just pick wherever they

want, really. And it's true. And I don't like that because it's like, I already paid the full year of her private school here. Um, I've shown that, you know, we're able to pay it. And anyways, that's my reverse shout out. So fuck you interviewer man at the consulate. One reverse shout out a year.

That's it. Those years. That was my year though. Okay. Yeah. You're right. You're right. You're right.

Damn it, Andrew. George. Any shout outs? Anyone stopped you today? Nope. I think I'm good. I thought of one of the other day, but now I've forgotten it. Did you lose weight?

Um, I'm wearing, I'm working out now. I like your hair. Oh yeah. Shout out to Nick the ear then. Let's go. Shout out to Nick the ear. Thank you. Oh, that's what it is.

Who still wants Kaila to do some Muay Thai. Um, he's going to be sorely disappointed when he realizes I have two left feet. I have two left feet and I can't throw a decent kick. He just, I haven't thrown one cake once. Oh, okay. He's just my workout. I'm doing workouts. He also wants to bond over the fact that he also is a high school swimmer.

He doesn't know anyone else as a swimmer. But he, but hold on. He lives in Glendale. Not to be, not to shit on, on anyone, but just a high school swimmer though. I know you're national. You're national. No, I'm just saying. His butterfly was 18 minutes.

It took forever. That was exactly what he did. Not to shit on someone. That was exactly what he did. You hear that Nick? You just got collided. Because this is what I hear my whole life, right? Cause I'm like, oh yeah, I was a swimmer.

And then you always, like this is always what guys do. Oh yeah. I'll race you. I'm like, oh, you swim too. They're like, yeah, I swam, you know, like high school, like JV. I'm like, oh, okay. So the 20 years that I committed blood, sweat and tears into this sport, like means absolutely nothing to you.

You think you can just race me? Yeah. She got beat by her mom. I've been, I was beat by my mother. Punch in the mouth. I had to pluck the fucking metal out of the braces out of my fucking lips for the sport of swimming. You don't get to just race me.

Yeah. And you also wear force fed food. You have force fed. Like a duck. I had, you know what a stomach belt is? Do you know what fucking kneeling on salt feels like? Oh God. For the sport of swimming.

No, no, you don't get to just race me. Yeah. You hear that? Ryan locked in. It's suicide. Whoa. Okay. That was a great podcast.

We love you all. And if you're having trouble, don't, you know, just click for some friends and chat. I will see Nick the year. I'm a believer. You look great, George. And shout out to Nick the year because you were looking a little tubby there for a second. And I'm still on my bulky face. So I can't wait to get another 10 more pounds on my body.

So guys, make sure you follow us on Instagram at tiger belly on Twitter at the tiger belly. Don't miss any questions or unhelpful advice at the tiger belly at gmail.com. And if anyone wants to mail any packages, where can we do that? This is you, Andrew. The North Wilcox Ave. Whoa. Get on the mic. What are you thinking?

Let's try your best. Just your best. Something, something. Yeah. North Wilcox. That's all I know. That's good enough. Good enough.

It's in the description. It's 1626 North Wilcox Avenue, Hollywood, California. No, I'm sorry. You're right. 1626. Yeah. But what's the number? 161.

161. Yeah. God, George, just say the whole thing properly. Or just check it. Or just check it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check it out in the description. And then let's have a link to everything else down there.

Yes, guys. And also make sure, well, if you'd love to get some extra content that comes out on Monday, make sure you check out our Patreon at patreon.com slash tiger belly. And once again, that is patreon.com slash tiger belly. Have a good night. You skipped some of that. Did I? Okay.

It was perfectly written. I'll do the one George wrote. And if you'd like to support us, Ellipses, get extra special bonus episodes. Ellipses. Be part of the exclusive Discord. Ellipses. Is this how you auditioned? So much more.

Go to patreon.com slash tiger belly. He's mocking George. Dramatic beat. Oh, hey, guys. Dramatic beat. Mocking. That's it. You made a mockery out of George.

Bad auditioning. That was perfectly written. You're right, George. I apologize. Good job. I was a slave over it. I was late today because I was making sure that was perfect. And you just throw it away.

You look good in blue, George. You look really good, George. Yeah, I'm actually very surprised by how handsome you look. It's kind of nauseating. I'm going to hold you. I want to hold you. Let's hold him. Let's hold him down.

Let's hold him down. Where's Bobby? Where's Bobby? All right, guys. Have a good night. Follow Andrew on Instagram and like. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Tiger Barely Ad Free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today.

Or you can listen to Ad Free with Wondri Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondri.com.