TigerBelly - Episode 31: Good Morning Sweetie

Episode Date: March 2, 2016

Bobby climbs a golden mountain with Natalie Portman on his back. Khalyla has fever brain and has Conor McGregor fantasies.  Gilbert cries at band camp. We talk BB guns, bullies, and cockroach lattes.   Recorded February 29, 2016 Music by Bobby Lee Instagram: @tigerbelly Twitter: @thetigerbelly YouTube: TigerBelly Facebook: thetigerbelly www.thetigerbelly.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. Music Ready? Yeah. Music Everybody, welcome to Tiger Belly. My name is Bob Lee. And we got Kulayla Koone in the house and Gilbert. Welcome to Tiger Belly, guys.

It's Bob again, your Uncle Bob. And we have another episode of T Belly. And last night I was going to go see the movie The Witch, you know, and my brother was going to go and stuff. And then Eric Griffin, who is on the work of Hollicks, and he's also a friend of mine, told me not to see it. And then I regret not seeing it. Why not to see it?

Because he goes, yo, dude, it's like, you know, it's artsy. It's not good. It's not scary. I don't understand a word they're saying. But then I looked up online some of the reviews and stuff. I regret not seeing it. He also said he hated Mad Max. He didn't like Mad Max because there was not enough. I'm not kidding you.

He goes, it's not, you know, in post-apocalyptic times, you know, women would be, you know. Would be what? They'd be attacked. So wait. You're trying to say out and out enough. Eric Griffin wanted more women. I'm not going to say the word, but attacked.

I didn't say nothing. I didn't know it said nothing. He just told me that in a post-apocalyptic world, that more women would be attacked. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, there would be, though. How so? You mean like great?

No, I'm going to just say that word. No one said that word. But I agree with them in Mad Max. Those women wouldn't be able to do what they were doing with the guns. Even the old ladies with the guns at the end. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they'd be in my dungeon. Yeah.

Would you do that in post-apocalyptic? No. Okay, I'm just saying. No, no, no, no. I really have a very, very strong, like brutal rebuttal to anything, all the bullshit that you just said. Why? But I'm dealing.

I have a- I know you're cold. You have a sick- No, I have a fever. It's just fever. I have fever brain right now. So I'm going to just sit back and just absorb all that bullshit that just spewed out of your dirty mouth.

I didn't say bullshit. I'm just saying, let's suppose, like, you know, in the game I'm playing right now, Fallout, there was post-apocalyptic, and I had a shotgun, right? I'm just letting you know that I would have a dungeon. Okay. FYI. FYI, I could operate any rifle better than you.

Have you- You've shot guns before, right? I'd keep you in my dirty little dungeon. That's fine. All right, and you'd be in my dungeon. No, I wouldn't be. Yes, you would be. There was no way you could capture me.

Tell me how you could capture me. Ooh, interesting scenario. Well, I would have a tranquilizer gun, right? You don't- you are blind, buddy. And then I would speak the Filipino language behind the bush. Oh, so, like, to lure her in? Yeah, to lure her in. What is that?

Yeah. Oh, it's my sibu people. Where are they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, right in the neck, right? Yeah. And the next you know you're trying to- What poison would you use?

What tranquilizer? Name one. What? Make something up. Yeah. Hyperprede-dermic needles. Hyperprede-dermic needles? So, a tranquilizer gun?

Yeah, yeah. What hyperprede-dermic needles? What's in this side? And anyway, you'd be tied up with you, Amy Adams, Natalie Portman. They'd be all down there tied up. Actresses and Klyla? Yeah, but I wouldn't do anything sexual. I was just- you could clean-

Oh, collection? You're like the collector. I'm a collector, yeah. You clean her. Did you not see Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta? Yeah, she would not be able to shave her head in my world. She would destroy you. That's- that's your opinion.

But anyway, I was gonna watch the witch and- That's your opinion. That's my opinion. But in a post-apocalypse world, you know what I mean? It's my world, baby. You get out of breath after 10 seconds of walking. There is no fucking way. Bitch, you don't even think that I would work out in that scenarios?

No. Multiple scenarios. Yeah. Because it would happen out of nowhere. It would happen just, you know, like, for instance, if it happened tomorrow, you'd be fucked, Bobby. You're fucked. Why? Name one skill that you actually have.

I can- Other than eating. Wow, that was- Yeah, but, you know, you have to eat to live. But are you gonna plant? I'll plant. You don't even know how to plant. You don't know what seeds are what.

Yes, I do. You're gonna poison yourself the first day that you go- I'll go get a watermelon, then take the seeds out of the watermelon. I plant those, bitch. Damn. I mean, I have a watermelon farm, you know? I could survive on that, bitch. You'll have Asian farmers cover their heads, you know?

Yeah. Anyway, Eric Griffin's wrong about movies and I'm gonna watch the witch and it's gonna be good. Okay? And he was wrong about Mad Max. It was a good movie, you know? And then Saturday, I did a corporate- well, I don't know if it was a corporate gig. It was a birthday party. Yes, this guy, Jeff, he's a farmer and he has lots of money and he said, I want Bobby Lee

and the Dan Bann to be at his party and I showed up with Gilbert and my crew with George and Kalyla. We took a little road trip. We took a road trip to this country club in Bakersfield and I told Gilbert to go up and do five minutes and what I tell you, I said get everyone, because it was at a nightclub looking club. Oh my God, I think it's worse than a nightclub. So you guys, there was a stage in front of an empty dance floor. Yeah. Because everyone was just on the sidelines drinking and mingling.

Yeah, like as all with all parties. I told fucking Gilbert to get everyone sitting because that was your job, bro. There were no seats on the empty dance floor. I had to sit on the floor, whatever, bro. But you know how I got them all out? What? Bobby Lee might take pictures with you. Boom, everyone floods.

Yeah, yeah. I lied to him. You lied to him. I lied to him. And it was a fucking nightmare, that gig. Would you say not your worst gig though? Oh, I've had hundreds of worst gigs. It's one of those situations where you cannot tell a real joke.

Everyone's drunk. Everyone's there to mingle. No one is there to watch any type of real comedy. So they want you either only really quick ones work. I just want to reiterate that the people were nice. They were so nice. And we had a good time. It was just a nightmare scenario for any comedian.

Because you couldn't tell jokes. So I went, I would get to like 10 minutes of jokes. And in my head, I'm like, I don't know if I can do my whole act here. It was that chaotic. Were you planning to do a lot of it? I was trying to do it, you know? But it was just like, I was looking around and I was like, this is a nightmare. Yeah, jokes that would normally destroy just didn't work.

Only sexual stuff hit. Yeah, but I did like one liners. One liners, yeah. One liners are the only things that work. And then what I did was I just said, fuck it. I went on code. You know what I mean? Red, what do you call it?

911. I went on code red for a second. You were terrible. Oh yeah. They were laughing though. Because I was just laughing at myself. He wasn't terrible. He had the hardest job in the room.

It helped because Kyle and George were laughing their asses off. So I was like, let's just laugh together. It was just so funny to watch how awkward it was that George and I were just laughing the whole time. But then I went up and I got, I got Jeff on stage. I got completely naked into my underwear. I did a lap dance and then I did photos and we ran out of there. Do you feel bad about yourself when you do that?

No. I do not. You enjoy it? Listen, I'm getting there to pay to entertain. I went out there with my best intentions, with love in my heart, with God, the Lord in my heart. Yeah. True.

And I went up there and I'm like, nothing's working. So my gut instinct, survival 101 is to get naked. Yeah. I did that. And it worked. It worked. I got out. You know what I mean?

And we went home. You know? It's a good rule. You can make it. Yeah. It's a good rule. Really good rule in life. I don't care about my genitals.

You can see them for free. Yeah. I know. What? I know. I don't think there's one human in your inner concentric circle that hasn't had your ballsack to their hips. I understand that.

But the thing is, is that what drives me crazy when people go, that's all he does. Oh. You know what I mean? Like, you sometimes like, I'll run into someone like David Spade and he goes, there he is, the guy that gets naked. And I want to tell David, I like you, but don't say that because I have jokes, bro. I can kill it with jokes, bro. You know what I mean?

Bob Saget says the same thing. Hey, Mr. nudity. And I say, hey, fuck, bro. What's his name? I can get naked. What? But I can also tell jokes. And I can also do, you know, characters and I can also act, bitch.

I don't think they're referring to your standup routine or your, your act itself. You do like to get naked in public. I think that's what they're probably alluding to. Well, I show my genitals to comics. What's up? That's a, it's hello. I think that's probably it. What's up?

I say hello in that way. Yeah. I don't even, what happened to comedy then? Because in the eighties, the dark days or the nineties, they used to do shit like that, bro. Yeah. And there was a whole story where there was this guy named Joey Gaynor. Okay.

And he was a comic from the seventies and eighties. It's an old story where he used his clothes or was he used to take tennis balls and stick them in his cheeks because he had huge cheeks. Jesus. Right. So a couple of comics, he was playing La Jolla or something. And a couple of comics saw the tennis balls. So they put in their butthole, they rubbed it against their sacks, you know what I mean?

And they, then they put it back to where, where they found it. And then Joey Gaynor went up on stage and he did it. He put the, you know, tennis balls in his cheeks and the, and the audience is laughing because they think it's an amazing trick that he does, right? But the comics love it because they're having an extra good time because there's an extra added of humor that nobody even knows about. I love that stuff. Yeah.

You know, making little tricks like that, you know? So anyway, we did that Saturday. I didn't get to see the witch and, um, and Khalilah's sick. I'm really sick. Yeah. I'm really struggling right now, to be honest. I know you are. You're sweating in the upper lip, your upper lip sweating.

Good. You're all right, babe. What do you have? I don't know. I have a, I have a low grade fever right now and I just woke up feeling just general Malay and, um, I don't know. I don't have the flu. I don't have a cold.

I have something cause the fever is climbing every minute. So I've been sick like 10 times in the last two months. It's crazy. Yeah. But you get, you get a full blown cold. Yeah. I do. Yeah.

So you can sort of trace back to where, why you're getting sick. Like right now I don't know why the fever is even there. Yeah. I think it's something you ate maybe. I have an infection of some sort, but I don't know what. So I'm just trying to. It's not foot fungus. It's not.

It might be though. Maybe I got in my mouth and adjusted it. It's not that. You know. It's not that. Do you want to talk about? I got a little rapey there today. I'm so sorry.

He did get a little rapey. Did I tell you guys his story? Yeah. I think you might have a recap. So then right before we left to go to Bakersfield on our little road trip, all four of us, I took a shower and after the shower I was in my towel and he had just woken up. So I said like across the way, like he was in the kitchen. I was in the room and I said, and I said, good morning, sweetie.

No, no, no. So she said, and he comes running into the room with his dick out. No, she said, I'm horny, sweetie. That's not what I said. That's what I heard though. Communication issue. Yeah. That's what I heard.

So she was completely naked. She had taken a shower. Oh, so you're completely naked saying good morning, sweetie. I was, no, I had a towel on my head and the towel wrapped around me and I said, good morning. I'm horny. I'm horny, sweetie. Yeah. So he comes in and he just buries his head in, in between my legs, like without, without,

yeah. And I was laughing at this post-apocalyptic style. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. So I eventually just gave in and I let him, but I had no intention, like it took a long time for me to actually get going. But it was great.

I mean, after. At the end. Yeah. At the end of it. At the end of it. So the first part was, it did feel what she was laughing. The first part was just a struggle. She didn't, she didn't want to do it.

I didn't want to do it. But you just got to keep going. Because she said. She said no a couple of times. Yeah. He was doing the same work. No means yes sometimes. Hashtag no.

Hashtag yes. He was, he was looking up, looking right into my eyes, like this. Yeah. Oh, you did the open eyes eat out? Fuck yeah. Dude, I love eyes. I've never tried that. I look right into your soul.

Like this. Yeah. Yeah. Like this. And I'll do some blinks. Like a little gecko. Yeah. Yeah.

Your eyes are getting dry. Okay. That's right. Yeah. And so eventually he looked just really like sad down there. So I'll just fuck it. I'll give in. I was really sad.

Yeah. Why were you sad though? I just, I just, I've been really depressed lately. Very, very depressed. Interesting. Like almost like, um, suicidal almost. Get the fuck out of here. Jesus.

Is that real, real talk? I mean, great and all Bobby that you have your depression, but life is not that bad for you, bro. Ah, bro. Like you have a roof over your head, you have so many things in your favor right now. I know she tries to do that. I'm sorry. I was suicidal when I was born.

Yeah. So was I. Guess what? Yeah. I've been actually locked up for trying to kill myself three fucking times. Yeah. I've been institutions myself too, bitch. No.

You were in rehab. That's not, that's not. Yeah. I was in a high school gym too, babe. Yeah. Yeah. You shouldn't, you shouldn't say it's so blasé without any kind of like. All right.

I'll reread, I'll restate what I said. Okay. Go ahead. I feel really bad and I want to cut myself with razor blades. Jesus. Is that better? I mean, if that's what you're into. Yeah.

Yeah. I've never really been a cutter myself. I was a huge cutter. Why is that? I think I was a huge cutter from the age of 15 through 19 and the one of the reasons why I have the tattoo on my forearm is to cover the scars. Oh, shit. That's real.

Yeah. I got really real, real fast. I used to punch my belly. Because you were fat. Yeah. Oh my God. Bandcamp was the worst. Freshman year.

Oh, fuck. I don't talk about it. No, tell me, let's talk about your fatness. Freshman year at Bandcamp. A lot of the, it's kind of, okay. It's before I knew how to be funny. So like people would make fun of my fatness and they'd always call my mom. Like they would always call my mom like a porn star, the fat porn star they used to watch

her. Why? I don't know. They used to go, yo, Gilbert. Triple black fatties. I love your mom's titties. Fuck your fat titties. And I used to, like, I used to laugh.

I used to be like, haha, it's good. My mom like that, they would fucking die, bro. Yeah, I didn't know what to do. It's five white guys against me. Ooh, I hate white people. George? Not George. He's pink.

George is a pink dick. Yeah, he's a pink dick. So for Bandcamp, I remember they used to say it so much, but I would laugh. And they would laugh. So they thought it was okay. But every day after, at night, I would go to my room. Yeah. And my roommate wasn't there at Bandcamp.

I just cried. I just, like, I just punched my, I punched my belly. Oh, that's so sad. That's so funny. I used to just, it's so funny. I just cried. I just cried. Oh, God, I wish I was there.

What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you? Yo, dude, let me say this right now. If I die and I go to heaven, if there is a heaven, if there's like a room where you can see replays of people's lives, that's the first thing I want to watch. I'm going to say, hey, God, can I see the replay of Gilbert punching his stomach when he was a kid? Did you do this when you were really fat?

Would you sit in a tub and then lay flat to see like, so your belly would be really flat and imagine that you'd be skinny one day? I have a lot of fat friends who did that. What the fuck is that? What are you doing in there? So my ex, hey, we all think you're weird right now. I have fever brain. Have you done that?

You sit in the tub? No, not me, not me. So I had my ex that I was with for a really long time, previous to Bobby. He used to be a fat boy before he became really, really good looking. Like, I mean obese. Like, he was probably, he's about 5'11", but he was probably about 260. So he's a big, big boy. That's fat, yeah.

Yeah, so he used to cry and tell me the story about how he would sit in a tub when he was a fat boy. And so like, he would sit flat and imagine, you know, because your stomach would be flat when you lay down, right? And he would sit and cry in the bathtub and hope one day that his stomach would be flat like it was when he was in that position. And I thought to myself, and he used to tell him, he's like, yeah, I think like all fat people do that.

So I believe that. I believe that. He had issues. That's his own thing. And so he, I think he just ended up doing math and lost all the weight. Oh, wow. I would do this as a kid. I would put like my fingers over my eyes and make them rounder to see what I would look

like. Yeah. If I was in a chink. Oh my God. Or a lot of Asians do this thing where you, you use it like a pen or a pointed tip and then you run it across the, um, um, your eyelid so you could put a crease on there for about like 20 seconds. Yeah.

It's a weird thing. That thing where like, you know, as a kid, white people would say, or just anybody, but it was generally white. Yeah. And they would go, you know, your eyes, your slanny and they would do the thing with like that. Yeah. And then you would get really devastated, hurt.

Yeah. You would go home and you would try to explain to your parents, like they made fun of me and like your dad would go, I don't know what you're talking about. You know what I mean? Who cares? You know, right? And then I go, yeah, but like they're making fun of me and you would cry coming home and like, then you would have this deep resentment.

You know what I mean? You had nowhere to turn either as a kid. Yeah. There's no, you can't turn on the TV or go on the internet back in the seventies. That's the one out. Yeah. It happened to me in the seventies, you know, was there a time you ever retaliated against a bully?

No. I mean, I was, I remember this guy named, I can't say his name. Fuck it. Say his name. Art. It was art, right? He was to pick me up, you know what I mean? And dunk my head in the toilet.

I thought that was in movies. No, no, no. That was real. You actually got, yeah. Yeah. I don't know what that was called. Swirly. Swirly.

Swirly. Yeah. Yeah. And they would flush the toilet and my head would be in there and I would cry. You get arrested for that now. That's a fucking hate crime. Yeah. But back then it was like a thing.

Wow. Yeah. And then like, I remember I lived in Minnesota. It was really snowy. And I remember the kids, you would go Eskimo and they would throw snowballs at my face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They used to call me an Eskimo. Damn. The snow. And like that, not even like the soft kind with the ice in it. Shit. Can I tell you, can I tell you what happened to me as a kid? I just remembered this. What?

I was in a coma, bro. Well, how would you know? Oh, wait, I think you did tell me the story. Yeah. Yeah. My parents even come back and back it up. I mean, my middle school, elementary school, there was a, I lived in Minnesota and there was a hill that went down and on the bottom of the hill, there was like this slope and

then like a jump and then there was a pool like where the jump was, right? So these kids put me on a sled and they pushed me down the thing. Against your will? Oh. And I went off this thing and then I, my face hit the pole and I went tumbling down. I fell on my back and the next thing I know, I'm in the hospital. That's all I remember. And my face was ripped up.

Oh. Yeah. That's not a coma though. Did you? No, no, I was knocked out for like a day or something. You probably concussed. To me, that's a coma. That's terrifying.

Just wake up in the hospital. Yeah. Movie shit. That's a 12 hour coma. That's pretty awful. And I woke up. They were crying. They tried to suit them.

No, they didn't do nothing. Nothing? No. Because back then the white people ran it. Asians don't ever want to just, you know, ever rabble rouse like that, which we just don't ever want to. Yeah. They don't want to rabble rouse.

They want to know that. So I remember going back to school and then avoiding those kids that did that. Oh my God. Yeah. It was scary. That's the kind of shit they had to go through. And then that's when I was molested too back then. You got everything.

Minnesota was not a good place for you. That was dark. It's not good for Asians. You know, even my personal life, like when my brother was seven and I was 10, my brother and I shared the same room and my mom came in to our bedroom at like three in the morning and she opened her mouth. I remember her mouth was like bloody and she was missing a tooth because my dad punched it out.

And then I remember us barricading the door trying to get my dad not to come in the room and he came in there and he beat up my mom, he hit us a bunch of times and then he passed out. He was drunk. Yeah. But that was like a daily occurrence, bro. Yeah. Yeah.

So the kids, Eskimo, the Down syndrome molesting, the coma thing, the fucking, my dad being violent and all that was like a traumatic childhood. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think you would have been like if you didn't have a traumatic childhood? I'd be a preacher. Do you think that your, your core has always been rotten from the start? I think that I used, I remember like I used defense mechanisms, humor as it, humor defense

mechanisms. Yeah. Same here. So what would happen would like my, my friends would come over and I would do like a comedy show. I put my parents clothes on and I would do like sketches and stuff like that. Drag. Now we just do different.

We would do this thing called make me laugh where if they would laugh at me, I'd get to hit them with a ruler in their hand, like do 10, right? So it makes them not want to laugh, which gave you the challenge to do it. It was really fun. Which is why you do that a lot here. Yeah. I do it now. Yeah.

And I do that. And then, um, and then we used to do this thing, um, what we would do this thing called road warrior. What's that? We would take skateboards and there was like a hill, right? Oh, this is when I was in San Diego now, but then we used to, so there was this hill and we would all, 10 people, kids would have like baseball bats and like, uh, football helmets and padding.

And we would go down this hill and we'd try to knock each other off to see who can get to the bottom of the hill. First. That sounds so fun. Sounds fucking fun. That's like so much fun. We used to do. We used to go ice blocking.

Do you know what that is? This is already in America and my Korean friend actually introduced me to it. Who's my best friend now? Cause she's just a rugged bitch, you know, Jessica, she's one girl who's but you want to eat. Um, should you just buy a big block of ice and you find a steep grassy hill and you just bomb it. You just hope you don't die on your way down and we would get cut up.

We would get, but it was so fun. It's just so fun. I mean, you know what I mean? Like to, to, to go home a little bloodied, a little sore, a little itchy from the grass. That was fun. Yeah. I used to, I used to take a BB gun and there was a guy that was perched politic. Oh, come on, man.

No. You better not have shot him. Forget it then. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. He shot a paraplegic guy. No, we were on the roof. Yeah.

If he was a dick, he deserved it. No, he wasn't him. I mean, the paraplegic. No, he was a nice kid. You're an asshole. And we were on the roof and then he was in his backyard. He would sometimes be out there just sitting there in like a, like a chair, a wheelchair. Yeah.

We hit his face a couple of times. We did that. We hit it. It wasn't that powerful. What would he do? Like think it's like bird poop? He would cry. It would hurt.

Jesus. On a cheek? A fucking BB? Puncture. It would puncture his face. Hey, man, you're the bully. No, man. No, because, you know, all the things that bad happened to me, then I would do it to other

people. You're right. I did the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. You would lash out, you know. Same thing. Yeah.

That's, that's natural. And that's why I want to get into this, which was a weird thing. You know what I mean? I mean, I don't understand where in your life this characteristic, you know what I mean? You came up with this personality thing. So I texted Gilbert last, maybe on Thursday or Wednesday, I said, Hey, did you still want to meet with the commercial agent that I just want to say this is that I don't say the full name or the agency.

Yeah. I'm going to say that. But when I came to LA, there was a Korean dude who, you know, signed me to a commercial agent. He was an agent. His name was. Why can't I say it? Because you're going to make Gilbert look bad.

Maybe. He's not going to listen to this. Okay. Just don't say his name. Just say his first name. Lawrence. Yeah. My little friend Lawrence and then he created his own commercial agency and they're pretty

big. They have a theatrical department now. He's the head of it and he's helped a lot of comedians out and stuff like that. So I called Lawrence last week and go, can you sign or maybe consider signing my friend Gilbert? And he does my podcast. He's very talented. This and that.

And then I had, um, Kalilah called Gilbert to say that this, I set up this meeting. I texted him. Texted him. And what did Gilbert say? What did I say? I said, Hey, um, did you still want to meet with, um, Lawrence and his response in one text with a period at the end was I'm taking meetings. I'm taking meetings and I, what did I text you back?

That's the grossest thing you could have ever texted me back. Continue guys. Meetings. I'm going to defend myself. That's so ungrateful. It's like, if somebody did that for me, I would say, yes, thank you so much. Not I'm taking meetings because I'll tell you why that that fucking thing is so gross is you're not taking.

There are no other meetings that you have, you know, and let me say this. Let me say this and it wasn't a jokey because I'll tell you why. If it was jokie, you know what I mean? Because if somebody had done that to me and I would have said, I'm taking meetings texts lol. No, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I was not how you were. Yeah. And what you did was I'm taking meetings period. No joke. So then that's the only way you can like, you know, interpret that is that he is really serious. In fact, if you hadn't put a period in the back of it, it would have been much better because then that's jokie, but you put a period like that's that's a statement.

Okay. All right. And it's and it's, it's, it's, you're ungrateful, I defend myself now. He's not ungrateful. You can go ahead. Try to defend yourself. A couple scenarios here. Okay, go ahead.

One. I am taking meetings. No, I'm not. I have zero meetings. Exactly. I knew that response would get you so riled up because of my other mentor that taught me that. Who?

That fan. What did that fan teach you to always put your whole resume, your resume on Instagram caption, tell people you're always taking meetings, tell people you're always filming and always hashtag bones. So you learned it from your other mentor. Yeah. His other Asian mentor. You told me it was the Aang in the Aang.

I can't learn everything from the Aang. Let me tell you this right now. Okay. You ungrateful fucking pieces of shit. All three of you. Oh, what the fuck did I do? All three of you. Number one.

My boy, DP is killing it right now. Wow. Okay. Four network shows in the last four months. How'd you know about that? Through his Instagram. Oh. Okay.

Number two. First thing he checks when he wakes up in the morning. He kills it. He's killing the game. He is. And for me to even complain, you know, is me being jealous because I got nothing going on. That's right.

None of us here have anything going on. Gilbert, you're not in a hashtag dramedy right now. Okay. All right. Hashtag tear, maybe. You're not in hashtag bones and you're not in hashtag crackle and you're not in hashtag CBS as an extra. So he's not an extra.

No, he's got a speaking role and he's got a character in it. Like a guest star. You're not in any fancy hashtags, Gilbert. So just save yourself. So, you know, I want you to apologize. Just quit now. Quit now. And anyone listening to right now, you motherfuckers, don't tell them we're talking about them.

Or tag Clila's name. Or tag his, her name. Someone tagged me. You know what I mean? Because he's killing it. And we're just being jealous. I'm not. I think we're just jealous.

Yeah. Yeah. I think we are. We're being haters. We're being haters. Because you know what? He's done nothing to us and we're literally sing, we're singling him out because it's funny. And it is fucking funny.

It's not funny. It's funny. It's not funny. I'm sorry, but I have a blast just going through his Instagram. It's my, it's one source of amusement for me. He's doing great and you're being jealous and your boyfriend's a loser because I got nothing going on. And I'm just talking like, because I got nothing going on and now I feel, I look jealous.

Yeah. So let me just say this to me, look at me right now. Let me ask you a question. Yeah. Did you call Lawrence? Not yet. Never called him Monday. Also, you had Thursday and Friday to call him.

You haven't called him yet? No, not yet. So five days have passed. Five days have passed. Well, the industry's closed on Friday at five o'clock. So did you call him? I was going to call today and I realized, no, because it's Monday. It's like, what are you talking about?

What the fuck are you learning these rules for? Gilbert, listen to this. If Bobby calls him the day before, you completely forgot about you, now I have to call again now. He's forgotten about you. I made a mistake then. You don't have to call. It's over now.

Don't call. Yeah. It's not over. Yeah, it is over. Fuck it. I know. No. No.

Yeah. All right. Look at me right now. Don't call him. I see where you're coming from. Take your other meetings. You probably didn't want to come off as desperate, which I understand. There's no desperate.

I called my fucking friend. Just fucking signed this fucking ungrateful motherfucker. Stop saying ungrateful. He's not ungrateful. He does so much for us for this podcast. You do. He works so hard. Thank you.

So does Pinkboy. Pink does too. Pink does more. Pink he does too. Pink does more. Pink does the most. He does the most. Yeah.

We just show up when we talk a bunch of that fan bullshit. No. Baby, come on. Come on. What? He's doing great. Let's not make fun of him. He's a good guy.

He's... All right. God damn, man. I love the guy. I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. You could look at a camera right now and say you love the guy.

I love him. He can light a wind too, huh? No, it's not light a wind. Not one of those. I love the guy. Anyways. Okay. Let's move on.

What did you guys think of the Oscars? Oh, I loved it. It was funny. He didn't watch it. He hates watching that stuff. I hate it. He was boring as shit. Oh, my Lord.

Was it boring? I liked Chris's monologue. Upfront, yeah. I mean, there was that one bit we were talking about that he did with a man on the street with the black people that watch movies. I thought that was, that didn't bother me as much as the, it's like, the push for diversity is one thing, but it really wasn't a push for diversity. It was a push more so for just black people in general, because they took a giant shit

on Asians with that joke, with that Asian joke. The joke was they had three Asian kids with briefcases come out and said, and the joke was that they were bankers and that if you're angry about that you can, he made, so it was basically a joke about Asians being smart and Asians and child labor, which is fine, whatever. I'm not sensitive about any of that, but I'm saying it's like, the only reason I thought it to be just a little bit silly is because as this Washington post author put it, there was a lack of diversity in their push for diversity.

It was mostly about African Americans versus Latinos, Asians, or everybody as a whole. It was such a push for, Oscar so white, Oscar not black enough, but it was, that's it. That's where it ended. There was lack of diversity in there. Listen, listen to me right now. Hollywood is in the business of making money, period. What they think, I'll just tell you this, I do a joke about that movie, 21, about the MIT students and stuff, and it was mostly Asians, anyway.

So one of the producers, I'll just tell you, say Kevin Spacey was confronted or whatever about it, and he said, it's about making money. People don't believe that if they put Asians, Americans in a movie that it's going to draw any kind of revenue, that people are not going to want to watch it because of the fact that it's never really happened before. If you have John Cho lead a movie, and it's the number one movie in the country, then they would change. But he is like Harold and Kumar, not that I love John, I love Cal, and I love the movie.

I was in the movie. I love the whole thing, and I don't give a fuck if white people like it or whatever. But it's like, in their opinion, it's like we have to put white people in the movie. How would they even know if not one blockbuster movie ever had a white male protagonist? How could they even fucking know that? Well, they try. For instance, that one movie, another 21 and up, where they put that Asian guy in it, you know what I mean?

I don't know who that person is. Yeah, but that's not a blockbuster movie. Justin Chan, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. My point is that they've put people, Asians in big leads in things, and they don't generate huge amounts of money. Yeah, but it's a different day and age. This is, there's so many different avenues to make money now, and you realize that in

terms of just the Earth's population, you have a fucking ton of Asians, so you will get your money back and more if you just gave it a shot. I 100% agree with you, but I also, I'm just telling you how they look at it, you know? And it's like- You don't see it changing, right? We'll say like next 20 years. Still the same thing today? 20 years from now.

I don't know. I mean, my opinion is that, because I don't want to, this is a very touchy subject because I audition for things and I'm a guy that goes out and tries to book acting work and stuff, and it's like, I don't get hired, and people go, how come they don't hire you? I really begin anything because I'm probably not that good. You know what I mean? I mean, if I think about it, it's like, people go, well, Ken Jeong, you know, Randall Park, all these guys are booking stuff ahead of you, how about not you?

In my opinion now, and for a while, I was like, yeah, why not? And now I'm really beginning to think that I'm probably not that good, and that's why- I wouldn't say that. Well, that's what I'm feeling, you know what I mean? And it's not, I'm not saying it in front of my, I know that I'm funny and I know that as a standup, I'm good. I've done movies, but it's never generated like heat. I've never gotten heat in this business.

And so, you know, the only way I can even survive in the world is to justify it by saying, I'm probably not that talented. That's fine. I accepted that. I'm totally fine with that. I don't think that you should just resign to the, you know- I'm still going to go out. No, I'm saying-

No, I'm saying like- You can't resign. I've seen you do this before, and I just be like frank with you for two seconds. I've seen you do this. You look at a script, and it could potentially be a groundbreaking role for you, but you say, yeah, I can't say that word. It's like four syllables too long. And I've seen you turn down whole auditions, important ones, ones that I really, truly feel like he could have gotten.

Not any more than that. Because he doesn't have a lot- I know. Oh, no, no, this was just two weeks ago. Can I just say this? Kalayla? Okay. But you're also talking, I mean, now you get a call me got me angry.

You're also talking about, you're saying, I'm telling you that I've auditioned for 600 things that, and didn't get them. No, what I'm saying to you now is, I understand that, but I'm just saying that the 600 things that I went out for, that I didn't get, that other people got, right, is also what I'm measuring it by, you know? So it's like, yes, I do look at things, but also what you're saying in this last two months, I have auditioned for a lot of things, you know what I mean? So what I'm saying is, is that, and a lot of those things are exactly right for me,

right? And I had great auditions, and they didn't hire me. So what I'm saying is, is that, you know what I mean? It's not as if I haven't gone out there and tried. That's not what I'm saying. Yeah. What I'm saying is- I don't want to play a part where I'm playing somebody that I don't want to play.

I understand that, but there is an element about you that doesn't like to even go through the challenge of saying, hey, that's the character I'm not very sure about. I probably don't know how to play it, but I'm going to take a stab at it because I'm brave and I, it, who knows? You know, you might come in and you might walk- Yeah, I don't want to play that though. You know what I mean? Like I don't want to, you know, when you book something and you don't want to play it,

and then you're also, you're doing it. Like I've done that a couple of times. Your heart's not in it. I booked stuff, and I didn't want to do it in the first place, and now I'm on set in something that I don't want to do, and then I'm bummed because I have to do it. You know what I mean? It's like when somebody says, hey, can you do, when I did the dictator, it's something that I want to do.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, you look, it's, that's the way you want to live your life. You'd like to do things that you feel like you're going to enjoy. I have a different mindset to where it's like, if that's in front of me, I'm going to tackle it no matter what, even if I don't feel like I'm right, just to put myself through the experience of it all to possibly fail and grow from it.

That's how I see it, and I think that's how I personally better myself in situations. If that's not how you do it, I can't fault you for that. All I'm saying is, I believe in you so much that when I look at a character, I think you can accomplish that. I think you can be him, and you sell yourself short oftentimes. You look at me and you say, I can't do that. I don't have the, you know, the capability to do that, and I think you do. Yeah, but I don't want to do it.

Okay. Fair enough, sweetie. I'm not, I'm not fighting with you. It's like, I don't want to fucking do it. Yeah. If it's like, hey, you're in a fucking, you're a newspaper, you know what I mean, reporter, and you have to say a bunch of jargon that's like very informational. Like a sorghum.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't want to do that. Yeah. You know what I mean? The one I did last week, I want to do that because I can kill it. I know. Yeah. When I did love, I read for it.

It's not, it has nothing to do with Judd Apatow or Paul Ross. When I read it, I'm like, oh, I can do this. Yeah. I want to do this. It's like up my alley. And I also see where you're coming from to where you're like, I want to give them, you know. And I just want to say this, but the things that I've wanted, right, that Randall Park

and Ken also wanted, it's gone to them, you know what I mean? And not me. Do you do the interview? I tracked it and I asked, you know what I mean, is there anything in the movie that I can do? I didn't want to get that dude, Kim Jong-un, anything. And they said, we don't, they're not interested. So weird.

So no, it's not weird. And to me, when they say that, it means you take it personally and you go, they don't like you. So that's fine. Do you think that your reputation of being this like dirty comic, there's a lot of things that goes into it. Okay. Okay.

Listen, what my question is. Okay. We have a podcast, right? We talk about incest. We talk about rape. We talk about racism. We talk about sucking your cousin's dick. I'm really hard right now.

I'm really hard right now. Are you? Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Do you really be detrimental for things like that? No. Are we, are we actually an impediment to you? No, because I want to be like, I, you know, I, I, I want to be like Norton.

Jim Norton. Yeah. Jim Norton gets things, right? Still, you know, he's been in things and he, his standup is somebody that I admire. I like his vibe. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that's more where I lean toward, I guess, you know, I don't lean toward.

You know what I mean? It's Christopher Titus or Kleenex or whatever. But what I'm asking is, do you think that over the years that has cost you some? It might have, but I'm not changing who I am. I want to say the things I want to say. It's fucking America. And I, I, the reason why I even fucking do this in the first is because of that, of opening Anthony.

The reason why I do this is because when I first did opening Anthony, right, I felt like, because he was, it was with, I think the first time I did it was with Voss, um, Bribiglia and Patrice. Oh, Patrice. Yeah. And I remember being in New York and I went, showed up and they were ripping me apart. They were like, I'm fat, you know, my baby arms, you know what I mean? I have a little dick.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So in my head, I'm like, all right, the only way I can survive is just to reveal things about myself that's so embarrassing that they can't do that anymore. It's an old survival technique. So if you rip me apart, getting naked, right, if you rip me apart, right?

I go, yeah, I am fat and I'm ugly. You know what I mean? And I, I, I've sucked dick before and everything that you, you know what I mean? They can make fun of me about, you know what I mean? I was molested. I, you know what I mean? All the, you know what I mean? All the things you put it out there.

They can't use anything. And once you, it's out there, right, then they go, uh, well, all right, let's make fun of somebody else. Yeah. And then you can just go be with them. Can I, can I also tell you now who I'm a thousand percent sure you will never work with in the future? Who?

Natalie Portman and Amy Adams. Why? Because you said you would capture them. And put them in your dungeon. So just. No, I was just a joke. All right. First of all, let me just say this.

There's no apocalypse. It sounded, it sounded threatening. No, no, I'm going to just say this. If you fucking listened to this podcast and you believe anything that I say, then you dumb dumb. Yeah. You dumb dumb. Because I'm just like literally just saying whatever comes to mind and I have no editing

filter. And you know, that's it. But people take everything to heart. They take everything to heart. We say it sometimes. Everything. Like even, even like for instance, that Oscar joke about the Asians, like a lot of Asians really got riled up about that and Twitter was on fire.

Oh my God. I didn't, I didn't really care. Like it's not that serious. Like I don't, everyone should just, you know, yeah, unbunch their fucking panties from their ass. Yeah. And any ethnic person in the business, listen, I've done it my way and I still make a really good living.

I really do. I'm so fucking blessed. I witnessed it. And I've done so many cool things in my, in my career and I've done it my way. I dress the way I want. I say what I want to say, you know what I mean? I might not work as much as, you know what I mean, my fellow, you know, comedians or actors or whatever, but I've carved out a fairly decent career where I don't have to

fucking work. Yeah. You know what I mean? I've always worked. I will say this about you. You've carved, you've carved out a very, very specific road for yourself that only Bobby Lee can exist. You can't even be lumped in with, I can't even put you in the same category as anybody

or any comedian or actor in my mind right now. Like I can't, you are in your own lane, in your own way, in your own strange trajectory in Hollywood that no one else is even a part of. It's really strange, but you're right. You, you're, you're on a weird path, but it's your path. It's the only path I know how to do it. And it's like anyone listening in life, in just in general, just do, don't be not you. Do what you do, right, and everything will come into place.

But what if being you is like being really a shitty person? You know what I'm saying though? It's like the play the game. It's something. Yeah. I mean, listen. Yeah. I still go in, I sign my name up and these fucking awful auditions.

I wait in line with a bunch of 30 other gooks. You know what I mean? And I go in there. I wonder what these other guys are. You know what I mean? I go in there and it's like, you know, and then they go, they go, thank you. Yeah. And then I go, I didn't get that out loud from now on.

Yeah. I guess I didn't get that. And no, I say, I show it in my behavior in the room. I'm going to fuck when they go, thank you. I go like that. Yeah. It's awesome. I don't realize what they don't start doing that for the last 24 fucking hours.

I memorized their fucking lines, right? I revolved my day around their fucking audition. He is very studious. Yeah. I go up, right? I'm there. I take a shower and I'm there. I do it in my hair.

Take a shower. And I go in there and then all of a sudden you go halfway through the script and you're not even finished. They go, thank you. You want to go fuck you. Yeah. But I don't. I go, ugh.

And I leave. And then they go, well, Bobby has a fucking head too. I do, yeah. And it's like, well, I don't give a fuck, you know? So anyway, I don't want to talk about me and my fucking thing again. I don't want to, people are interested in that and, you know. They are. But it is interesting.

I think it's important to delve into the Bobby Lee psychology of how you operate because it's a very strange way to operate. I have to say, I've never known any other human being to live a life quite like you do. Yeah. I operate it. You know what? I do exactly what I want to do.

You know why they look so young? They live like children and people, you know, you can say anything you want about Steve or Bobby and say, you know what, they're, they're, they're man babies. But look how stress-free they are. Like literally, my brother, he can get up at five p.m. I woke up at five today and I woke up like, oh, I need to eat food. You know what I mean? Ice, ice cream.

Eat ice cream. And then I played six hours of fallout and then look at some emails. I don't want to do that tomorrow. So I said, I just email. I don't want to do that. You know what I mean? And then, um, what do I have tomorrow? Tomorrow I have to take Gooney to the vet.

Yeah. So my whole life, I've always been told that I've had to put in this, you know, all this amount of hard work just to get to where I wanted. And when I met Bobby, I was, you know, right in the verge of, you know, starting this, what, 70, 60, $70,000 a year job. I ruined your life. And I thought to myself, okay, this is enough. This is adequate, right?

I ruined her life. But he said, no, it's like, no, bro. Fuck that. You look, you look tired. You look, you look drained. You look upset. He's like, quit that shit. That's how you get the girl.

Quit it. Stop it. I'll take care of you. We'll figure something out. Let me figure it out. I was like, oh, really? Did you tell Bobby about your dream you had? What was the dream?

About a man? Oh, but it wasn't even in the sexual. He always has man dreams. I do have a lot of like other man dreams, but this one wasn't sexual. I say exactly what you texted to me. I had a dream that, um, Connor McGregor and I were legit best friends, like best friends. Like he would come to me and ask me about like advice about, um, nutrition. Like I was like Mike Dolce and then I remember looking at him, we were like one week out

of the fight and I thought to myself, Hey, like you're looking a little gaunt. You're looking a little skinny. Are you cutting too much? And he was like, no, I'm not even cutting at all. And we were like, like hugging like best friends. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like in Golden Mountain with a panda and Natalie Portman in my back.

She was naked, but we're just friends. Timeout. Why was she riding your back? Why was she on your back? She's attached to my back. Oh yeah. Like we're like mutated like, Like in the mountain.

That's one of your dreams. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She grows out of my back. Like we're hopping on a fucking. You're a sign me, A golden mountain with a panda.

And he, yeah. Yeah. Poops out viking and pills. I eat at those. What a dream. Yeah. I could say that. But I didn't.

I just wanted to let you know that you want to fuck Conor McGregor. That's fine or be friends with him Yeah, you would suck his dick Yeah, if I was no, no, no, right now. Let me ask you this Absolutely, maybe look real talk real talk. Yes. All right Conor right goes. Hey, I don't know That's all I know how to do in his accent. Hey Give me here. Yeah, we're here. Right and you suck my dick, right and you would probably suck it Nope, is that what you think of me? No, because that's what you just fucking said I'd suck his reverse the question Conor goes up to Bobby and says hey Bobby suck my dick

This Bobby suck it do it. Do it to me. Oh Hey, yeah, but believe that TV. Well, how you watch that Conor? Oh, it's being Ireland. It's being Ireland. It is Hey, yeah, I'm the featherweight champion. I know. I know what let me say something red fancy night. I've seen all your fights I love you. I'm a big fan. Hey Bobby. Yeah, why your pants down? Oh, I'm sorry. That's It's customary. It's customary. It's customary. I want to hey question. Yeah, so I just broke up my girlfriend D. Devlin D. Devlin I'm already sucking He's so good at that. I'm a big fan And real talk that's real real talk real talk I wouldn't I have this rule where I would never never never never

Ever ever get with any man in a relationship. You don't cheat if you cheat on me, bitch. I will get revenge Why the fuck what all right? Look at me. And if you don't call Lawrence tomorrow, I swear to God I'm gonna be fucking live it bro. I'm still out of call. I was calling on calling Tuesday Why don't you don't want him as your agent? No, I'm planning on you don't want an agent because he's gonna send you out a lot He's down for the Asians Gilbert. He's an Asian guy who reps Asians He rep my brother and my brother booked three nationals. I trust you guys I trust you guys. I'm going to call him. Yeah Yeah, I'm gonna better fucking call him. I'll count. Yes. Oh, yes. I have interesting news guys. Oh, are you pregnant?

No, I'm actually I'm actually actively bleeding right now. Oh Wait, what first day of my period? So I'm not not pregnant, but so after we recorded that podcast where I was talking about my dad I came to the real realization that I don't know that much about that side of the family, right? Like I can I only know what he's told me over the years She's she's she's about to say some real shit right here. I know I can always tell I get this is some real I start sweating. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, here it goes

My dad has always just told me really grandiose stories stories that were almost unbelievable. Have you ever seen the movie big fish? Fuck yeah, dude. It's a weird one. It's not a weird one. It's a touching one. He he you're a weird one The son never quite believes his father's stories because they just seem so like absurd and out there and too grandiose Right, so he thought of his father as a liar. Yeah, and there is a part of me that that does Think that my dad probably exaggerated a lot of the stories He always talked about an uncle who was an explorer He talked about, you know, a very very lavish lifestyle that you know, he grew he came from money He said that he's Egyptian by the way, so people know. No, he's not Egyptian. This is where it gets a little bit. Oh, yeah

So as it turns out, I'm actually not half Egyptian. I'm only a quarter and But Bobby says we looked at all my dad's like we went on ancestry calm and we looked at all the old records and we we we went back like four generations back and and Yeah, so he was born in France his mother was Egyptian Bobby just says no from now on. I'm gonna say what he see He prefers to call me French over Egyptian. Yeah, I mean, she's French You're French. She's half French, bro. French is a nationality. It doesn't matter to say that. Oh, you're white Wait, you're part white. Yeah, I'm part white. I'm part pink guys, but that's not that's not I feel like a deceived

This is not this is not the big news. So the big news. So Bobby has this joke That he he tells and he always says my girlfriend always thinks she's Lara Croft because I've always liked to travel I've always liked to explore and do things on my own blah blah blah, right? Well, she does this. I'm just gonna just say this real quick. Uh-huh. All right Like in Hawaii, right? It's like when you think of vacation. What do you think of? Uh, you know, like swimming. No, just one word Fun relaxation or relax. Yeah, right. Mm-hmm. She thinks of vacation as adventure Like active active. Mm-hmm. So me. It's like I want to lay by a pool and do nothing

First let's go in the jungle and go hiking. Yeah, Laura Croft shit like let's find treasure. Yeah Yeah, it's normal people shit. It's not normal. No, fuck you George when you go to a vacation, right? What do you do? He's the same as her though. Look at me pinkie Fuck you you're like Laura Croft That's what that is because somebody will go. Hey, let's go fucking skydiving you good You go do it, right? Why would you spend so much money to sit in your hotel room all day? I'm just sitting on my hotel by a pool. Yeah, but why don't you go to the pool here? What's the difference because we're lounging. We're lounging dude. Yeah, but it's fucking boring anyway

God, you know what you go in the jungle you get AIDS and that's what my grandfather used to say Real talk my grandfather uses of that. Oh, you're going jungle. You get a that's a weird thing to tell your grandson It is and there was before this was before AIDS too because he died in the 70s. Oh, so he's yeah So he had like he knew fortune teller. He knew about yes Yeah, so I look back at my family tree and I was able to find my Grandfather all his a birth certificate and then my grandfather's brothers and siblings and it turns out my Grandfather's brother who is actually who is my is it my great-uncle then his name was count Byron Cune the pro rock and he was the original tomb raider

Bullshit, yeah, so let me tell you something bro. Let me tell you something bro. I knew that shit already So this guy was actually one of the he wrote four books. He he was kind of not The scientific community hated him because they considered him to be a false Archaeologist in the sense that he went to different areas in like Egypt and Africa Everywhere and he didn't necessarily do a lot of like cultural observations He basically since he had a flare from sensationalizing his experiences when he wrote books about it But he the science world's kind of like well, he's not really like a true archaeologist in that sense but he is

He is referred to as the original tomb raider and his name is town Byron the pro rock a baby in real life You're you'd never be a tomb raider. It can't be you can't be in Hawaii You have to run up from boulders. Yeah, yeah, like we're right There's an arc and then they opens you my face melts. Yeah, oh my heart Yeah, but and I was thinking about everybody and my first blood cousin is a man named John arm later Who is this huge like world-renowned artist who is still alive and Who is apparently very well respected in the art world? Yeah, he's like 70 something now or you're like, but you think about that side of my family and then you look at me

I'm an island bumpkin. Yeah, that's your that's your French side Right, you're you have the Filipino side and that's even a better side proud of my Filipino side Yeah, they chop people up with machetes. That's a good thing too. You got both sides Right, but I could have had a different life My ancestors. Yeah, who do you want your ancestors? Who do you hope it is? Well, I already told you I want I want to be related to Kim Jong-un. Really? How would that even happen? I'm sure they're like it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I'm sorry, but if I am the next I'm sorry But if I'm next in kin right to take over the regime, yeah, you do

I'm gonna fucking do it. Do you make change or do you continue? Oh all kinds of changes Yeah, right that you would probably live a very very good life over there Maintaining it the way it is that you would get so selfish you'd be like fuck it let the people suffer. I'm king That's your mentality. Oh that that whole place would be even worse. Yeah, I mean, yeah, everything's made out of Vicodin Amy Adams, right? I don't care. Everything's being out of Vicodin, right? I'm gonna have slaves down there. You know, I mean, they're all dressed, you know, I mean slaves of what like, no, what? They're all gooks. Okay. They're all Asian. You know what they do there now is just a bunch of meth labs Yeah, and then I'm gonna have like

statues made out of pretzels So you could eat yourself. No, I just gonna have random like pretzel statues and like candy cane candy cane statues Yeah, you know I mean, and then I'm gonna have like just cocaine everywhere So cocaine just drug heaven just cocaine everywhere interesting. Yeah, and I'm just gonna be like eat and I'm gonna fucking fuck I'll fucking eat Fuck and fucking eat, but then I also like then create missiles too

I don't know. I would never do that. I would I would free the people. Is that really your choice? You would want to be a descendant of Kim Jong-il. I don't know anybody that I want to be a descendant of from in Korea I don't know anybody. I think what was it one fifth or one fourth of the population is a descendant of is it Kublai Genghis? Genghis Khan. Well, who was? Genghis Khan because he fought he raped so many women Genghis Khan who do you wish you were a descendant of General Sal? So I could be like, I know General Sal check it out. That's it. What's my bad stuff? But do you know this? You know the Japanese and Koreans? Yeah, Haiti are from Mongolia

So they're Mongolian. We're the same people and they travel down because of Genghis Khan I don't know about that, but they traveled down from Mongolia and And they made it to the peninsula of Korea and the Japanese were the ones that said, let's win You know what I mean? So they're like more, you know Athletic that way and we were the ones that said no, we stay here hiding the snow. Yeah. Yeah, what George has made a face You don't think that's true? Wow, I think that's very historically Google it dude Google me Japanese and Koreans are descendants from Mongolia. That's what we have cockazoo at strands in our DNA

No, not that part. I don't think he believes about the swimming I mean they took a boat, but they went over there you think that what do you think happened? They didn't just swim from island to island, sweetie. I'm sure they had rafts or boats or something. That's what I'm saying That's the same thing. That's not the same. There are sharks. Why don't you take boats over there? Yeah Why don't the Filipinos look like the Japanese or both islands? What are you talking about? What was the original because we had the Malay people because of the dispersion of people For the people that actually went who came to the Philippines were from a different area were the Malays Okay, not the Japanese were like he said probably from Mongolia. I want to cut out this whole portion of it

Why is good? Yeah, I'm not good. I wasn't good in the last 15 minutes No, I want pretzels. Yeah, all that all that was so bad. I want to cut it out Speaking of Japanese food. I need to cut it out. You can't now. I have a seg. Oh, we got to keep the segway Yeah, just look at the camera and tell them to go. Just say sorry. Say sorry to the camera No, I don't want to do it anymore. George. Sorry. I just had a panic attack In your own home. I can't do I'm sweating. No, I'm the one with fever brain. You cannot I'm surprised you haven't what time is it now? 59 I have I have we let's go over this really quick really quick. Okay. I sucked today You didn't suck. I don't like it. What is this voice? Oh, I got into I like all this stuff about like my career

I don't want to talk about that Seeking out rape or none of that baby signal signal babe signal babe. Let's move on. I'm sweating Yes, I see the beads I don't want to do it cut it out. We start over It was terrible we talked about dr. Pan too much that all of it I Said Christopher Titus for some reason earlier who brings it up on a podcast I just did a bunch of bad things today. I love everybody. I don't want to rape nobody the post-apocalypse stuff I'll be a good person. He's gonna be. Yeah, I would never if I took over North Korea. I would be a good person

I would free the people Let's do the question you're forgiven Not yet. I wanted to go over one more thing before we do what is it? So we went to go eat sushi last week and if there's anything you have to know about Bobby you he absolutely hates eel sauce Oh, whoever invented eel sauce is a fuckface because I'm telling you right now It's a cheater because number one and don't taste no like you. Yeah, number two. It's too sweet Yeah, yeah, and it was invented for white people to go. Oh, this is delicious and it's invented to actually cheat I feel cuz they you could go to any sushi spot and it all tastes like eel sauce

It even the regardless of the difference of ingredients like it's it's hoisin with sugar It's all he hates it Bobby. So we were at this restaurant and he specifically asked the lady He said hey, please. I looked at her a little Asian eyes. I said hey Do not put on eel sauce on anything and she knows you said to me. Okay First thing that comes out what happens baby? over everything over everything and At this point, I said, okay, no problem Why don't we just tell her and like return it cuz like this is not edible for you

And I do feel bad doing that. I'm never one to complain at a restaurant Usually, I'll be like a fuck it. I'll eat it cuz I don't want it to go to waste But Bobby, you know He he was conflicted. He said, okay, I don't want to eat this I don't want to waste it but at the same time like I also want to give it back But I don't want to return it and tell her because I fear retaliation and I said wait What do you mean retaliation? Listen and he said no no, they're gonna shit. They're gonna piss They're gonna like not in my food and I'm like look they don't do that. They do. Do they really? Yes, all of them

Let me tell you something right now. Okay, if I bet if I bet what? Weird yeah, what if I met McDonald's? Okay, just let's hear me out. Yeah I go can I have a quarter pounder with cheese, please? And they go okay, and I get the hamburger and there's no meat inside it. I don't return it I eat the bond in the cheese Because the thing is is that there's always retaliation, okay, because I worked in the food industry Okay, and I you worked at a coffee shop and we and there were people in there that were like so annoying you pulled that shit No, we took cockroaches and we put in the espresso grinder. Come on. We grind up

With the cockroach. I don't believe you and then I sort of got and we make lattes from it. It doesn't taste any different You don't put like 50 of them you put two but what work? Come on man. No get crazy To warrant this what did they do to warrant this like we used to when I worked at this coffee shop. We had mocha lady What's the name? Her name was mocha lady because she's no no no Nothing she was black. She's always mocha's right, but she would always do this make it fresh What are you gonna do make it old? No, but what I'm saying is is that so if the date if like the order before was mocha And I have a half thing of mocha in my canister, right?

Yeah, I'm gonna use that mocha to make the next mocha. She didn't want that She want me to dump that and to make it fresh and I'll go okay, but there's gonna be cocoa cockroach juice, too So do the cockroach juice Interesting. Yeah, that's gross. Let's not get someone really sick from that. It's fine Don't don't say make it fresh then. She's not she's dead. She's dead now So you're certain that everyone does this they have vials to come back there and they drop drop come in your fucking meat vials of come That's crazy it happens all the time it I believe it But I don't think that saying hey lady like we asked for no eel sauce like would cause her to just you know

Go into a rageful fit find some cockroaches and ground them up It's better to be safe than sorry like that's why I go when I go to restaurants notice I tip really well. He does you know why even if it's shitty service Even if it's shitty service, do you know why because if I ever go back there, they know I don't want pee in my food That makes sense right so that when I go there, you know, the odds are they know that we're good customers The odds are they know let's give them the good stuff. Yeah So that's why I do it Okay, okay, we can move on to unhelpful it unhelpful advice now unhelpful advice and question time with Bobby and Kalila

Here's a simple one Just not an unhelpful advice, but a question. Hi, my name is Alex I want to know both of your favorite foods if you only have three things the rest of your life Yeah, that's a fucking hard three things the rest of your life. That's all you can have. All right, um Just food groups not food or dishes specific. I'm gonna assume a specific dish So go back and forth. You'll say one you say one just a dish. So three dishes and that's all you can have for the rest of your life That's it. So plan accordingly. God plan accordingly. Okay. I have one. Don't just say ice cream if it is no, no, no specifically what brand no, okay forever. I want

red snapper sushi It's from a specific restaurant and get mercury from Hama. That's one of them mercury poison. I can rotate Yeah, but if you only have three things you're gonna eat that once a day, babe No, but red snapper doesn't have that much. All right. All right. Okay. So red snapper red snapper So she we say sushi or sashimi um sushi cuz I want the rice with it. Okay from Hama from Bobby Okay, uh, I'm gonna take Spaghetti bolognese. Fuck that's good. I've got my fat boy. Yeah, spaghetti bolognese from um macro

Macaroni grill macaroni Republic public macaroni grill macaroni Republic Macaroni Republic in LA downtown. That's number one Is that really good? Cause I know I need it pretty good. That's pretty good there. Yeah. All right number two. All right for you. Um, I want Rest of your life. So keep in mind that you can't snack on anything else. Yeah It's those three things. Oh Oh God probably guinea-ling Translation guinea-ling is like ground meat with vegetables. It's a Filipino dish, but it's like such a comfort food for me

But yeah, that's that's it. Okay number two for you number two for me would be that chicken chimichangas from El Cholo From God, I don't understand why he loves them so much. El Cholo fucking sucks. Not the chippy chicken chimichangas are as the best I've ever had. It's like so and you know how I know it's good Eric Stone Street Introduced me to him. Oh, and he's he's he's fat. Yeah, he knows how to eat. Yeah, so I win. That's true Yeah, but fat people will eat anything. No, no, no, we both it's voted number one in the world All right, so Bobby has a bolognese and a chimichanga that's really heavy dishes so far for the rest of your life Yeah, and then you have Filipino mangoes Wow, yeah, only Filipino mangoes. I don't want Mexican mangoes. I don't

Mangoes not okay. I want Filipino mangoes only actually from from either Gimaras or Cebu only either specific location. Yeah final one. Okay. You have to number seven sandwich at Mike's Mike's Jersey Mike's yeah, why was that way? That's what you would choose baby. You three meals That's for the rest of your life. You're gonna eat mangoes for fucking lunch, but you don't understand my relationship Breakfast you have tuna Bitch, you're gonna die. I'm not gonna die. What what I fucking got a vegetable. I have meat, right? I got noodles carbs. So that's the car right and then I got vegetables from the Jersey Mike's You can even eat make a salad not eat the bread, right? I have more meat from the

The Chimichanga meat. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. No fish Yeah, that's so weird interesting. Yeah, I need my fish. I need my vegetables, which is in guinelling and I need my fruit I need my rice. That's it. I don't really need to have bread or pasta. I just need rice Cool. Well, there you guys go. That's what they would eat the rest of their life. I might change next week I'm gonna I'm gonna think about this some more. I really I'm not that happy actually with my choices. All right, it's fine quick MMA minute. We have the big fights this weekend choice of Holly home or Misha Tate and then for the main event we have now Conor McGregor or Nate Diaz. All right, number one

They should have canceled the fight. Oh, interesting. Nothing. You don't care and I'll tell you why because if Those anios would have fought Conor McGregor. I thought that those anios has a chance to win That's the idea Nate Diaz does not have a chance to win. Why don't you think he has a chance? What is he doesn't know how to knock people out? He doesn't have strong. He's a perfect You I mean opponent for Conor McGregor. He is catered for That's why he was actually hand-chosen too. He was hand-chosen Those anios would have won or had a big chance. I would say because he's a machine He doesn't he has no feelings in that fucking Frankenstein head

And he would just keep coming forward, you know, he's just a well-rounded. He's not exciting to watch But he's very good. All right. I don't give a fuck about the whole Holly home fight You know, she's gonna destroy Misha Tate. I agree. Yeah, I think that Misha Tate put me She puts herself in in danger too often and I think that Holly's gonna win it I don't think it's probably gonna go to decision even As for Nate, you know, I agree with Bobby. I think that Nate is a type of fighter who peppers his opponents with shots I don't think that he necessarily has like KO power I mean against Gray Maynard like he TKO'd him, but it took what like 15

Shots before, you know, he took him off his feet. Yeah But so and not only that the reason the whole Fascination of the dos anios fight was the belt the belt first, you know, I'm holding. Yeah holding two belts It's it just took the I don't think Nate Diaz was next in line Yeah, he wasn't like number one. It's like, you know, Jose Aldo deserved a rematch Yeah, you know, but he doesn't want to cut the weight and whatnot But it's like there's so many more intriguing fights for me, but but you know, what's really interesting about Nate. Yeah He's so experienced and those Diaz brothers are durable. I understand that fucking press conference

He did was so retarded. He sounded oh man Connor so smart. Yeah, just look way smarter. I mean, you just just shut your mouth Fuck you man. Yeah. Yeah, but that's sort of the appeal for your immediate weight class And no no laugh. No laugh. Yeah, that was like he bought okay If you say midget and there's no laugh, you don't say midget again. You're bombing because it's not like we didn't hear it It just wasn't funny This is what he does midget with you know midget. Yeah, I go. No, we heard midget the first time fuck face The best part he's accused Connor randomly about steroids. Yeah. Yeah, and also it's like not only he's like everyone does Um steroid so now Dana White is sweating in his pants like this. What the fuck is he talking about? Yeah?

Whoa, he's pissed about the fights Thank you so much We're not even done with a podcast Any shows for Bobby? I mean you you want to plug it yourself sweetie. Where are you gonna be this weekend? Oh, yeah Everybody everybody one two three I'm going to be at the San Jose improv this weekend March 4th March 4th the 6th, and last time I was there It wasn't as good as it normally is

So what I'm saying to you right now people is to make it good It's on you guys make it good for me and come because if you don't then you don't And nobody and nobody wins. Wow. Okay, so come and support It'll be great. Who's opening for me Billy Bonnell Billy Bonnell is gonna be very funny. Very funny guy. All right So make it happen Yeah, and Gilbert's not coming Gilbert's not coming and you're gonna call him tomorrow. Yeah, you swear to God Yeah, that's what I plan to call Tuesday. Okay, and George keep pink All day. Oh my god, everyone's gonna be yelling at the show. Oh, wait at Jose

Well, I think we had a picture with you another guy suggested that another one of our other code sentences should be Johnny said it was okay, which I think is an even better one So George is a pink dick or Johnny said it's okay. Yeah, is that a good one? You know, everyone's gonna yell George is a pink dick But yeah, so either one and also don't yell it out in the middle of his shows guys. Yeah Can you order me garage pizza? I haven't eaten all day. Is this product placement right now? No, but I want the crotch pizza With the jalapenos and that a special cheese you put in the ricotta. Yeah, it's very good. Garages pizza Garages for sure. I'll be better. I'll be better next week guys. I was a little off there and I also I'm sorry for having fever brain, but I still have a pretty high fever. So

What else you want to talk about any other shows after though? Yes, he has Ontario improv two weeks after that and next month. I'll be there. Yep, and the Albert will be there and next That was the one that when the guy sued me. Yeah, oh the guy didn't he didn't sue you Who do you want to I just sent his girlfriend flowers and he got over it Yeah, that club's a little bit. There was a so we have Ontario and then and then after that next month And not I'm sorry not next month March April and April he I don't even remember his dates dude go on his website. Yeah, just go on his website

Bobby live.com best you follow us on Instagram at tiger belly on Twitter at the tiger belly Also, check us out on our new YouTube channel. Just called tiger belly. We also have a Facebook too We're gonna get some exclusive content on there, which is facebook.com slash The tiger Belly if I'm wrong, it's a joke and it's probably just tiger belly But if that's wrong, it's probably the tiger belly. Everyone's looking at me like I'm fucking shut the fuck I will fuck up. I will shut the fuck up But make sure you subscribe to our YouTube channel because there's gonna be some Vlogs coming within the next few weeks. Do you want to tweeze my leg hairs? Sure perchance. We do it on camera

So people can see how here you are. I have I'm trick-a-tillomania. So I have an obsession with tweezing my hairs and It's actually painful, but I find pleasure in it and yesterday. I plucked out all my eyelashes From my eyes. So they're bald now. I spent all day just pulling out every single eyelash So if you think I look any different, it's probably because I don't have eyelashes. Look at it. Look at me Do I have any Gilbert? No, it's their own. So if you want to follow that hot mess, you can follow her at Calamity K And also you can follow if you make sure you vote go out and vote for Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton And you can follow their Instagrams at Gilbets g i l b i t as much as you support politics at Gilbets g i l b i t s

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