TigerBelly - Episode 48: Witaske

Episode Date: July 6, 2016

Chris Witaske is pure magic. Bobby sends dick pics to a new friend. Khalyla is a new pawn. Gilbert is Akita. We talk King Kong auditions, upward-downward comparisons, and running on trees.   Recorded July 05, 2016 Music by Bobby Lee Instagram: @tigerbelly Twitter: @thetigerbelly YouTube.com/tigerbelly Facebook: thetigerbelly www.thetigerbelly.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members you can listen to Tiger Belly add free on Amazon music download the app today Oh Five four three Welcome to Tiger Belly Bob Captain Bob. I want to be known as Captain Bob today. Got it. And we've got our one of my henchmen Gilbert Colono. What's up? What's up? Filipino gay madness. Oh, that's not suck and dick all day. That's not every day Hollywood style. Sure. We got Kalyla and I Kalyla's here my girlfriend

Give her a round of applause. I was kidding. Stop Stop the clapping and then um, we have our fourth guest ever And his name is Chris Wotowski. No, it's it. Tell me right Wotowski. Chris. What? I don't he's he hasn't been able to get it right. I don't know Okay, when I first of all when I met you, uh-huh. So Chris Wotowski. Yes Chris Wotowski I met him um, you know, I'm on I'm reoccurring on a show called love on netflix Recurring recurring recurring on no recurring somebody corrected me recurring. Yeah, it's not reoccurring. It's not reoccurring. It's recurring

Yeah, okay. Stop. Stop start over. No, no No, not start over I'm gonna continue to say reoccurring Because that's the way I memorized it. That's memorize. No. Yeah, and no one's ever gonna stop me. Okay It's the same way. He always says espresso versus espresso and the barista's always kind of and they give me an eye and I go I'm not gonna change. I know what it actually it is Okay, and also when I'm at starbucks. I don't say venti orient that I say large extra large and they go venti I go, no, I'm not doing your language, right Italian. Yeah, you know, it's not that it's just they want to be cool

And they want to do have their own little Fuck you. Yeah, it's large, but I bet when they ask for your name you say bobby lee from mad tv He does he actually does that's what they write on the cup No, chris. No, I don't do that I don't fucking do that I don't do that Can I just say what he did at the restaurant the other day a waiter comes in with with a pad and a pen to get our order

He thinks the guy wants his autograph and he's trying to take the order So he takes the pad from the guy the Korean guy. He's like, yeah, no problem He goes, hey, love you. Love bobby lee gives it back to the guy the waiter the waiter so confused like, oh, okay And he walked away and they came back with another fucking pad paper was so embarrassing. Yeah, I was like, sweetie He just wanted to get our order. Why did you assume that so quickly? Because he put the paper down in a pen on the table. Oh, that's weird, right? And then he was like, hey, he said he was a fan. No, he didn't He didn't even speak English

He has a Korean restaurant. Anyway, um, I met chris watowski at We're tasky at um, we shot a couple of scenes in love And I came home and I go, I knew this guy and I couldn't pronounce your name because I didn't know how to google you For the longest time, I thought he was talking about a Japanese guy. That's how bad he butchered your name. Yeah. Yeah, I apologize Polish Yeah So you're from second city, correct? Uh-huh. Yes. And were you is there like a friday saturday company there or no?

I was on the etc stage. So I performed thursday night through sunday night. Oh, so that's the main Uh, well, then there's the main stage. I didn't make it that high. I made it to the etc Why? Because it's just as high. It's I know. No, no, no, why didn't you go to the top? I I was pretty much at the top. Okay. Hey, hey, it was at the top. Gilbert can So you guys know each other from Chicago? Well, we work together. Yeah Well, we know each other because we do corporate training videos second city has Second city has this whole other wing of like bullshit business stuff that you can do to make money and that's what we've done. Yeah

Oh, so they have what kind of corporate videos do you guys make? Oh, it's so depressing. Yeah, philip morris Philip morris. Give us an example of big tobacco training videos. Oh training training. Oh shit. So it's all crushing They write them funny and we just say the lines, but it's so crushing. It's rough, but it pays good. Let's improvise one I want to see one. We'll be like, okay. So, um, you want sexual harassment? No, I like I like I like the tobacco one. Okay. Yeah, but you still have to to teach them about no sexual harassment in the workplace Oh, so the oh, so it's all Fucking morons who work for philip morris. All right. So watch these are you and are in the office scene in an office scene? Yes, so I'm going to walk up. You're by the cooler. Okay. Okay. Hey, tom

Hey, what's going on? Jeff? Do you sell some menthols today? Oh, I did. I did two boxes Excellent two boxes. Hey, but you didn't post about it on social media. Did you because we wouldn't want anybody On facebook to know our inside practices. That is true. And you have a really nice ass. Hey, thanks, jeff I'll see you at the meeting. You have a nice ass. Thanks, jeff. Is that the sexual or would they do something like that? That's basically what it is and then they say don't do that. Yeah, so let's do another one. It's so crush Okay, uh, you guys do one. All right. Hey Say my fucking hey Hey, are you joven? Yeah. Hey, what's up akita?

And that would be the end of the video. You can't say, you know, call a man a black woman's name You can't you can't do that. All right. Well, just finish the scene akita. Finish the scene. That's a kind of dog joven What are you doing tonight? Oh, you know, I'm gonna hit up the local tavern over across the street from philip morris Got a date. I do. Yeah, but I'm not gonna post about it on social media I It's a lot of it has to do with social media He's actually saying it verbatim. Oh from word for word. That's how you do it It's fucking awful, man, but it pays good. What's the point? That's why gilbert has to fly back to chicago to do to do

Tell me what the pay is. Uh, I mean like a thousand bucks a day. So for me. I'm not a big star Like that's a pretty good thing. Yeah, it's not bad. He's I mean, I did a commercial a month ago Here we go. So, oh god, how much did you make bobby? How about we not talk about it? So people don't try to fucking explore your ass. Yeah, but I did but I didn't do commercial too. So I'm in the same boat Struggle the struggle is real. I'm not a household name. I'm not a household name. Fuckface. And I you keep saying that I'm gonna tell you right now Not no house knows my name. Come on. No, I get hey, weren't you in something? I go. Yeah, whatever. You know what I mean? I'm one of those guys come on. I'll rip. You know what? You know what you are

I'm gonna tell you what you are right now. Tell him. Tell him. I think he's like a barenholz Like I barenholz John barenholz where you're they're kind of looking, but they're ugly at the same time But you can tell that they're funny. Hey, right. So that's what you are You can't look at me right now cross-eyes and say Cross-eyes That's what he said to me said my eyes are too close together I heard inside info that before you had a girlfriend and when you were living in Chicago They used to call you to pussy slayer. That's well, I mean it never stuck

I mean My left told me that because Chris was already in Chicago before I got there So he was kind of building his name I came there with a bunch of other guys living in a frat house and we used to watch them The etc in the main stage and we see a couple guys We get pissed because the good-looking guys had the personality and they got all the girls Effort stores, so did you know him when he was really fat and obese? I've seen pictures, but I didn't I don't think well Actually, maybe maybe a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, but no one knew who this fuckface. No

Oh, no, no, look at me. Did you ever make it to etc? Oh, no, hell no. Why didn't you climb high? I couldn't I wasn't the pussy slayer Well, well, you will sweetie people have different trajectories. No, I'm disappointed in him Don't be disappointed. Stop for a second. Stop for a second. Look at me right now. Fuck. Okay You're representing a people Why people why didn't you go to the top? I kind of left before the big diversity kick kicked in actually is yeah, really. Yeah, it was all white people before I left That's another thing I want to get into

He's doing the whole and um cbs diversity showcase again, and I want you guys to I'm not auditioning not you're auditioning Because I mean you're not even in it. No, they haven't even started yet Let me ask you something pal, but I have ties to that. Yeah, you have ties. Why do you have ties? My girlfriend wrote for it. I know the guy who runs it. You know Dory, right? Dory, what is it? Explain to me what it is first. Well, I've never been a part of it. I know but you for your best It's for your best. They gather a group of diverse Men and women negroes and

Chris you just say No, you don't say negro on my show my friend. That was clearly No, don't say that favorite. We'll have to rewind that We have the wrong way like do not say negro. So they gather a bunch of these negroes Chris would pass What are you doing? What are you doing on this show? Are there other ones and other races than uh them and yeah, they're a whole melting pot filling mexicans. No, see

That's clearly Is this a mad lip? We finished our sentences for you. What is it? It's a diverse. So if they they get a bunch of um, yes LGBTQ too. So they have everything You know what that is, but then I want to know again and then they they all get together Yeah, and then they put out and then they work on a show a sketch show Yep, and then they put it up at this big theater and it's horrible But does anything happen to these people like do then

Who's who in hollywood comes to see it some door casting directors agents managers Because for me, we didn't have that when I started I came to la with no diversity program And I had to fight my way in right and it was very difficult, but I I I hold on held my own but my point is is this is that why are you doing this man? For the doors to be open. Yeah, but you opportunity opportunities, you know He's under the impression that the only reason the diversity showcase even exists Is because they have to create something so that they don't get sued by Or get accused of some type of discrimination. So he's like, let's create a space for the spicks and gooks. You know

Yeah, so they stop saying that. Yeah That's Chris Jesus Christ. That's clearly a Chicago. There's a video camera But we we have uh, it's green screen All right, so but I would argue that when you first moved out here, there wasn't as much competition. Would that be true? Oh my god, we're gonna get an argument. Um Yeah, there was there was as many as many what I mean when you go to an asian audition you would see randall ken jung Um, you would see all of them. Mm-hmm. You know guys that you're in a brian tea a song keng All these guys and there would be one part. In fact, I auditioned for king kong

Wait, what's the role if you watch the girl? No, wow Jack black's character. No, I auditioned for there was one chinese guy In king kong that doesn't have a line But if you see him being chased by king kong in the winter jungle, he's there, right? You had a no line, right? You knew audition for that who every asian actor in town in town Crazy, I mean guys that you know that aren't regular, you know like randall people like that We all auditioned for it and there was no line

And it was embarrassing because they had you run in a circle in a room And then they would wait that was the actual audition. Yeah, there was a circle because there's no line How the fuck are you gonna do it? Oh god, and then they sent the tape to peter jackson. What was your running style? Yeah, what was your high knees just high knees I need a high needed and then And then they I money. Can you they said can you scream more ethnically? Yeah, so this is what I did. I went because originally I went Right, this is what I did. I went

Ah, yeah, I know that was great. Bobby stop kicking please. That was great But yeah, so when I started we had as many but not as many roles, right? So I think it's easier now, but what papa did, which is me, right? I Survived, you know, I fought my way to the top and not top, but I fought my way in And I'm I have great agencies now. I have a good manager I do different jobs here and there, but my point is is that I didn't have a diversity showcase So I'm asking you Gilbert to get out of that Don't take opportunities. It's not an opportunity. You got this habit because you're very talented and funny. Yeah, I'm yeah

You so yeah, we don't know yet. Yeah, you do. You're right. There is no there's no work ethic involved in his success It's all like talent No, you know how funny you are. It's not that It this is it this fucking guy. I didn't like him when I first met him And when yeah, I didn't I didn't like him really until I saw him He opened for me because he had never done stand-up and I said would you do a show? You know and he goes I'll do it. No, it's you do this show. I'll fire you. That's right. That's right My bad. I said if you don't do the show fire you he went up in front of a big room

First time up and destroyed and I looked at him and I went wow this kid is talented So my point is is that fine do whatever you want to do do the diversity showcase, but I'm not on board I know I got it. Okay. I think that it's bad for business I think I think that networks and casting directors and agents should go out and seek talent Ethnic talent and I think that Hollywood like NBC and all these networks should Does you know have programs that are actually going to book people into shit? Mm-hmm. You know me instead of saying Because I was a part of this thing called Cape for years. What's that?

It's an organization led by a fantastic lady named Wendafong She's an executive at Fox and she's Asian obviously and she had this program called Cape And so all we would go to these meetings everyone in Hollywood and we'd discuss problems with you know, and nothing would get done You know, it was just I realized it was just so that we could feel like we're doing something But it's like, you know, it's got to change from the top dude, but anyway, do what do you want to do? I'm sorry. Am I was that long winded? I apologize. No, I let me say something and I'm gonna probably regret this but I I sometimes think like a funny white guy is a dime a dozen Like there are fucking thousands of funny white guys

In this town and you know in show business, right? And so sometimes I wish that I had a diversity No, I don't The character is written also there's a dime a dozen There's a dime a dozen things written for funny white guys. So you are still Yeah, you look at the breakdown, right? You look at the breakdown. Maybe once a year they do 20 let's say 20 comedies movies. Okay All 20 of them the leads are gonna be white. Yeah, that's true. Okay Two of them

Will be allotted for they'll have side guys that have accents or like our or ethnic, right? Right If one of them is black, which is usually is right, that leaves one movie a year That one minority, right? So it's Mexican, Philippine, whatever it might be. Okay, right and and usually that role There's a lockdown on it. So for years Ken Jeong was that guy. So they take that away and now Okay, now you have nothing Now you have nothing and then you have to resort to and people say to me all the time. You're really funny You're so naturally funny. Why aren't you doing more? I want to Yeah, but this is not they're not there to do it

I guess I never realized how privileged I am Typical but that's typical funny white guy. Yeah, that is true. Yeah, yeah But do you when you wake up in the morning? Do you feel white? I do feel white Yeah, like what is it? What does that feel like? You're asleep. Can you're asleep? It feels like I wake up and I'm like, okay, I'm still six feet I gotta I have a medium-sized penis And and and I imagine yeah And I'm gonna wake up get out of bed. I'm gonna be sarcastic all day

I'm gonna be a smart ass. Yeah, I'm gonna be but I'm gonna be happy go lucky. Yeah, very charming I'm gonna make people I interact with laugh The witty quip rise Wow, wonderful, wonderful life. What do you wake up feeling like sweetie? I feel weight Like a weight on your shoulders. No on my stomach There's a weight on my stomach. I'm like, oh my god. I'm fat Yeah, and then I when I stand up early in the morning It doesn't take that long because my legs are so short. I just kind of lift up and I'm up on on my feet

That's a good thing. That's quickness. Yeah, there's no movement. I just kind of roll on my feet. Yeah Oh my god, what happened? And I kind of go to the bathroom and I go to the bathroom my tp And I then like you look at your penis and you go, oh No, I've seen your dick. No Yeah, I I sent you dick pics, but I zoomed in on them Okay, you don't know it. I bumped into chris at groundworks. He goes. Hey, man. I think bobby likes me, right? I'm like, why he shows me his phone. It's like 20 dick pics

No, no not even a text just dick pic after dick pic after no explanation I know because when we were shooting because of the scene that we shot chris and I we were um It was a party scene where paul rust's character. We can't give it a bit away But it was a party scene and so there's 20 Me reoccurring people on there. I mean you got jason dill andy dick. You got Horatio sands. Uh-huh. You mean carry kenny. Yeah, you have 60 So we're sitting around where we're sitting in this party and there's nothing else to do

So I just kept selling chris dick pics. Okay. So is that considered sexual harassment in the workplace? Oh, I don't know. I I could probably have you. Oh, yeah If chris went to a producer yeah and said and was really bummed and said God this fucking asian guy, you know, barbie. He keeps selling me pictures of his penis. That's it. Yeah, I'm out Oh, yeah, that's a good thing. You enjoy him. That's not it You guys think I'm retarded but I I'm not gonna sense that I have that kind of relationship with this guy Yeah, he gave me his number and then as soon as he gave me his number like Is he ready for a dick pic and in my head? I'm like, yeah, he is and I was and you know that we hit it off right away

Right away. You can tell yeah, you can tell because we just immediately started fucking with each other Like gillian jacob's We all my scenes are pretty much with her And I love her now. I would never in my whole life I hope not. That would just be straight up creepy Like hey gill, you know what I mean? I don't think that she would like it. Gills. Check this out I don't think that most people would like it actually like Judd Apatow. If I send him a dick pic I don't think he would like he's too many

You don't have his phone number. You don't have his phone number. Also. I don't have his phone number You Do you have his phone number? No, no, uh, he tweeted a picture of me one time. Did he and it was great I'm for real. He tweeted like love season two. We're working on it. And it was a picture of me and the two old guys All right made my day made my week. How does that make you feel sweetie? Really bad I would kill for your career. No, he he I went to that lunch thing with him Hey, you went on with a luncheon with him with Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah, what? Whoa. Yeah, he invited me to a luncheon But not through text through his agent. No, he threw his assistant through his assistant through email. How long ago was this?

Why was Seinfeld? Yeah, Seinfeld had a benefit thing, right? So I was at Judd's table. So it was me, Judd, Wayne Fetterman I forgot who else and then the table next it was Sebastian and all those guys and then, you know Seinfeld came to the table. Hello and his wife Who called him Robby the whole afternoon Robby the whole afternoon and they all Judd and all the guys thought that was funny, but um Did they hire you as like a seat filler or like was it? You're a bench warmer, baby

That's cool. That's awesome. I just wanted that was a very funny joke No, I'm absorbing the joke Very good. Very good. Thank you But I knew so okay, let me okay So I knew of your reputation because you're a guy your guy Who whose reputation precedes him? I think okay. I think you are what is the reputation? You know, I mean the mad TV probably is is like what I was like, okay, Bobby Lee Yeah, and I'm good friends with John Baron Holtz. He I would consider him my best friend

I love him and I look up to his brother Ike and he's always been really nice to me. Yeah And so I through Ike I think and all that it's like, oh, yeah, Bobby Lee Bobby Lee. He's crazy, you know Bobby Lee will take his pants off run around And so I'm being honest and so before I met you I was like, okay I'm gonna meet Bobby Lee. You know, he's gonna we're gonna. I'm like, okay. He's probably annoying or something like that But then I met you and it was I totally changed my perception Right. So the perception of me is that I'm annoying not annoying, but you know crazy crazy. Yeah, yeah You know, but you are so funny. You're so funny. Oh, thank you. Thank you. You are but people have said that to me before

I'll show up at a club and they'll go and then I've never worked for the club before and they go. Wow We should have had you earlier. I go why? Because I don't know. We just Didn't book you because we heard things really the reputation inappropriate or annoying. No, not annoying But just kind of crazy and you know, I mean, um eccentric in a weird way, you know, and I'm like my type of people And I'm like, no, I mean, oh, yeah Uh-uh, I'm not I'm not those things. No, you're not. I'm professional. I show up I know my lines

I audition I humble myself sometimes I bomb I show up to my stage time and I'm respectful And yeah, I I have done things when I first got on mad. I did some things for the first three or four years I'm not proud of well I stuck things in my butthole because the only thing is shit in the office. Oh shit in people's office and stuff But I'm guessing when you were younger. We have a term in in The Philippines we call them ksp like hulang sapansin when you were younger You were probably that you were probably so ksp where you always wanted the attention So you inadvertently became so annoying to other people even though it was funny

Or perhaps you were naked But I think you've matured since and I think that people really Now you're just funny. You're now you're just now you're not annoying now You're just yes, and now you strike me as a guy who you've been through all the shit And now you and you've come out of it alive. Yeah, and now you're just fucking great Oh No, I didn't know you back then. Yeah, I know but I know how I was back then I've been sober now for two years, but I used to be the pussy for two years

Yeah, but I used to be the whatever you called me the pussy king Oh, I regret so much stuff. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, well your girlfriend. What's her name Katie? She you could tell that she is extremely funny also so She's just quirky and funny and You guys look good together. I think because we saw Chris at the rap party What'd you think of that rap party? It was that like a haunted mansion or whatever the fuck haunted mansion? Yeah, so you go in right? So we pull up You see david spade in the parking lot trying to get in

We try and yeah, no you said like hey david he waited for us. We all walk together. Yeah me david my girlfriend and a couple of other guys They wouldn't let us into the building. It was a house And david was like, what the fuck's going on? They just wait Okay, the next group is coming in so you walk in as a group and you're in a old timey room like it's like there will be blood kind of room Would old timey bed and in the bed is an old timey looking young girl She's dressed and she's like out. No flash Photography is when you're here at what's it called? No vacancy. No vacancy

Mind your manners. You know what I mean? You can't come back in this room to get out And we're like She said that right? No, we thought you were walking down to a dungeon like universal snow. I was gonna leave. I'm leaving Fuck you. Yeah Little white lady. Don't you was sitting like this? Yeah, like on the bed like this sexual. Yeah, okay I'm with c.a.a. Don't ever talk to me like that again. You say you're I did want to say that You know what I mean? I'm with c.a.a. Matt Blake. I like my agent

He's gonna get you but um, so then what happens is Her bed moves Oh, that's to the right and then there's stairs underneath underneath the bed and you walk when you walk down and then There's the party. Uh-huh. That's pretty cool. We're pretty cool weird And we walked in and immediately I said to kalilah. I gotta get out of here Because I didn't know anybody at first Oh, man, I fucking hate it. Don't you hate that hate it. Isn't it the cast and everyone?

Is it also weird that like you you feel bad when you don't remember everyone's names? And that's me. I I'm so fucking bad at that and hey chris. I'm the second, you know, the fucking ad Yeah, yeah, that's why I give nicknames It's smart. Yeah a short leg Hey, you know what I mean? Eyebrows, you know, it's because you know, yeah panface. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah gay panface gook Hey gay panface gook. Um, yeah, you made me call you that the first day we hung out. That's right. You may You may explain it's a bonding thing. What happened? What happened? Yeah, he so he made me look him in the eyes

And he made me look him in the eyes and and and say and call him and say you are a panfaced gook And chris said I'm not doing that. I did. I know but he said at first. I'm not doing that. Okay. You have to do it Because why? Because it it's the biggest This is the first time we've ever we've ever met. Oh, so no interaction. No. Wow. It's just a little I know I am a little weird. I guess in that way. You know what I mean? He's not good with small talks. He might as well get into the nitty-gritty Yeah, just the only way to do it. Tell me a panface gook. You know, I love that. Yeah, I love that's how I know

And he said you're a panface gook and I my heart My heart opened up like a flower immediately. You went to the bathroom and took a dick pic and then sent it Yeah, yeah, this guy this guy's in the club. That's right. Yeah So you should do that too. Gilbert one day. Yeah, just go up to white people say call me panface gook No, you can't do it. You have to know again feel the energy. Yeah feel what their energy is about Yeah, because with Christopher Flanagan, I don't know if you know, you know Christopher Flanagan, I thought you were saying he was last day was Flanagan. No, I don't Because Christopher Flanagan was on mad tv with me

Okay, and the I don't I'm gonna tell the story again But I farted in her face the first day I met her And she didn't like it. She cried and I had to get a lawyer. Oh, are you serious? Yeah, so I learned you learned training videos Yeah, you should have watched me and Chris's training videos mad tv training Is that in the video? The fart thing in the video probably yeah, yeah, yeah, don't fart but um, yeah, you have to read the situation You do but that but when you meet somebody like that and you guys click like I love it because you're a guy who right away I'm just like, okay. We get each other. We can just fuck with each other. Yeah, we can give each other shit. Yeah

That's my favorite. Yeah, you sometimes piece. You you you work with people Like I did a movie with michelle yow. You know who that is. Yes from crouching tiger hitting dry Yeah, nice lady, but nice lady, but the first night I'm there I was in Thailand for two months shooting this movie And I'm meeting michelle yow. I'm like, this is cool And we're eating everything's fine with some of the executives of the from the movie or whatever And then uh, I go I want to go. I'm gonna do a good job So I go hey michelle, um

Later after dinner, can you teach me how to run on trees? Oh my god, right and she looks at me beat. She goes angrily That wire walk Like I fucking didn't know that Bobby you're stupid. Yeah Like I thought that she actually knew how to fucking do that. Oh my god, and I went yeah, I know it's wire work And then you know what else happened? So now I leave the table because in our table is

the Thailand The the the royal family The president of samsung Right and michelle yow and all the other actors and we're in the table now There's other tables around our table with all the like assistants and the young people. Yeah So I get up from the table like a fuck this fucking table And where did you go? I went to hung out with like the guys with the mohawks in the suits You know, I mean like you know, I mean the preppy cool kids. Yeah, I'm fucking around with them and then an executive from the movie

He grabs my arm as hard as he can He pulls me away and he goes you big old rude Right and pulls me back into the big table Right, then I have to apologize to the president of samsung and everyone's like, I'm sorry that But I'm sitting there and then I got yelled at for because the shirt I wore Because it's the four seasons the shirt. I wore it wasn't a shirt. I know it was ripped Okay, so it had the you know the ring or the t-shirt that had the ring around it, right? But half of it was gone What's your half it so you could just see half of my torso and my left arm

It's completely out. What was the thought process? It just got ripped It was hot. It got ripped. You see ripped. Yeah, so I showed up like hey with one American Wait, so you had one sleeve on yeah. Oh, that's the yeah, and my you know, I mean, yeah, my jeans were sagging So my pubes are showing I just walked in You know, I mean, I'm like, what's where's the fucking food at? You know and you had to run on trees and so that also I got kind of like you can't Uh-huh. You can't do that. Yeah, and then I'll tell you the last thing that happened because I've never told this story before

Okay, listen So I show up shooting this movie and so I don't have a trailer Okay, so michelle y'all obviously has a gigantic double banger thing, right? And then there's a kid that's a star in it named henry lough He's a huge korean pop star And I used to like sleep in his he let me sleep in his thing Right, right, but one day I just said I can't fuck this I got crazy. You're there for two months. Yeah. Yeah, like a month and I'm like fuck this shit

I'm being eaten alive by fucking mosquitoes. I'm sitting there. You know what I mean with with the other extras Do we have the extras? Yeah, I mean I had no place to go Fuck this So I call my agent Uh-huh the worst move I could have made really worse move. Yeah, so check this out. This is what happened Ben day my agent finds out about he calls Korea because it's not an american movie. Just all of korea gets called. Yeah, the person I know he called, um cj entertainment, which is the you know

And he fucking rips them an asshole. He's like This kid, you know, I'm lying. He's a list. It would have freed him. He's a list Whatever, so then they gave me and two other actors one trailer. That's fine. They're conditioning But the ty crew stopped talking to me. No Every time I walk by a ty crew they'll go oh here come mr. Hollywood Calling his agent that everything, you know, oh, mr. Hollywood. I need a trailer when we don't have the budget to do it And no and I was out Wow

Yeah, so anyway, let that be a lesson Yeah, that also happened in Okay, we're not talking about that Sensitive subject. I did happen on pineapple express too. You demanded you demanded and then he got cut out of the movie Oh, man regrets. We all learn. That's not why I got cut out. Oh Okay, well, I listen I and I apologize to when I was shooting love the um the head ad Was one at one time was the ad during that other party scene when we did at that one place, right? That lady she did pineapple express and I literally walked up to her and I apologized for my behavior on a couple pineapple express

Ken and I Had the same part ken jong we're about henchmen or whatever But he got a trailer and I didn't at the time I had done seven years on mad tv And I had done a couple of movies, you know, I mean, so my hangover. No Oh, no hangover. No, not at that point. Oh So in my head, I'm like, I don't fuck this guy get a trailer and making a phone call To my agent was the worst move I've ever made in my life. Yeah So anyway, let that be a lesson to never complain to all you youngins. Don't call your agents ever

You sit there and you get bit by mosquitoes and you take it chris You never complain because at the end of the day, it's like the reason it's not a personal reason Why don't get a trailer is because we have so many people Here and we're trying to juggle so many balls. Can you just not have a trailer right and just stay outside It's also hard not to take it personally, especially when you feel like you've worked You had just gotten off something for seven years, you know, so I could see where you're coming from too But I mean every mexican teenager in america knows who he is Very true. Yeah, that's true. You should add that to your actual like resume every mexican teenager knows who I am

Did you audition for the new map tv? I didn't why um, no, I didn't get the call But john barenholz didn't now he's a writer. I know I saw him over there. Yeah. Yeah Well, you don't want just something you don't want to do. No, I never said that No, yeah, look at me right now. This is an snl guy You want to do snl? I I came close to snl came close. How close they flew me to new york six times Oh Six times they flew you over there six times at one point Lauren michaels told me he was gonna hire me and I just had to had to wait for jason sedacus to leave

And then another year went by I auditioned again. I auditioned on that stage three times And I met with lauren three times. Wow. Oh my god. And then and then when you didn't get it I how do you feel anger? I felt anger resentment resentment sadness. Yeah, it was three years, man Three years. I went through this. Oh my god. Will you go through it again? Never You will not go out again. I think so You want me to get into this? Yeah, I really want to get it. I really want to hear it I think me not getting that show and I'm not a religious man I don't believe in god, but I think it was a blessing in disguise me not getting that show because

At second city. I was drinking and I was drugging Yeah, and everything else not meth not heroin. Yeah, everything else And I think the stress of that show would have just I would have just done more of that to deal with it When I think I would have killed myself. I think when I died you 100% Yeah, that yeah, I mean that is great that you know that you came to that he relapsed On when he got mad you did. Yeah. I had 12 years of sobriety Before leading up. Yes. Oh, I got sober when I was 17. Whoa It did not know that that's what I spent my old 20s in it. Wow

And I got mad good for you and I show up and three months in I'm fucking 100% 24 7 relapsed You know what it probably would have been a similar picture for you in New York. Yeah I know the stress of that fucking show. Oh my sketch got cut. Oh, I'm you know fucking In the light night life of night life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it would have been bad, but Um, I think you would be great on a show like that, but you would never do mad. I didn't say that He's above it, sweetie. You're above it No, you know, there's a lot of guys my friend for he man war He opened for me. Mm-hmm. He got an audition and he didn't do it

And he goes, I just don't think it's what I want to do. He wants to do sketch But he's like, it's just not at the level of what I want to do and I'm like, I understand that Uh-huh. 100% right and also if you're not, you know If you're not in need of that immediate paycheck, you can make choices like that So if you I think that that isn't necessarily a bad move on faheem, you know, he's doing well He just got signed with cAA. Yeah, but he needs money. He does need money No, don't speak on behalf of somebody else training videos training training videos if all else fails go back and be training videos I will say this love biggest break in my career. Good. Yeah. Yeah, of course

Yeah, you love it. So when you got you auditioned obviously or no I auditioned for three different parts and then what was it right for any of them? And so then they wrote a part for me Nice That's why my character. You're good. Thank you. That's why my character's name is chris on the show That's interesting Yeah, so you went in for allison, right? I went for allison. Thank god allison jones saw me in chicago at second city She saw me on stage. So that was great because she saw what I could do

And how cool of her to fucking fly to chicago to just check out talent. Yeah I want to say this. Have I ever said this on the show about allison? Yeah, probably not on the show I'm going to tell you this right now. Allison jones is a cast and director in LA And probably 75 of all my jobs has been through her like a list jobs And um without her I would be in I wouldn't I would have nothing totally she is one of the best and

She even if I'm not right for something or even if I don't read well she still calls me in and she's still very like Respectful and also do you have a feeling when you're at her place totally different than anywhere else? Yes It's it's warm warm But I always question that though because he always comes back from certain auditions It's just completely distraught downtrodden and you know, basically traumatized, right? But there was one audition outside of allison jones's other one deal brian. Yeah, she's good too. Yeah, that's that's rogan show

But wouldn't as a casting director wouldn't that Wouldn't you want to create a nurturing space for people to actually perform to the best of their ability? Because that way you get the best person for the job now if you make it such a high-ten situation all the time That person probably is great But has a tendency to be more anxious than than the guy to the left But there's another theory though the other thought process is this is that make the audition as uncomfortable and as stressful and has pressurized as possible so that we know that this person can do it so this guy's a pro Well, I don't I don't like that personally

Yeah, fuck fuck that man. That's what fucking snl is man. Yeah, that's snl You're standing on the stage that you have seen on tv since you were a fucking kid Yeah, where the host gives the monologue. Yeah, and you're auditioning into a darkness and nobody laughs So that's true. No one laughs, right? I mean people like I heard giggles and stuff, but it's not like very it's not a warm room Binding me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. This basically sets you up for failure. Yes, and I think it's probably what Bobby Just said that the second school of thought, you know, let's test and we want to hire a guy who can hack it out Right, but yeah, I mean, I don't respond that way me neither. I respond to warmth To that's exactly what Allison Jones is. She you shoot the shit for 10 minutes before you do the audition. Yeah. Hey, how are you?

What's going on? Yeah, and then For you know, because there was a girl that they cast to play my girlfriend The cast which is basically based on her. Oh, right that right, right, right. Just have filipina too. I matter I didn't know that's where that came from because I went anyway. That's so so they wanted me to read with the actresses Yeah, so she's fucking so great. She's great. And so Allison had me in I gotta learn more about this. I gotta love it Ask questions after the when I'm up at the phone Yes, everything is going to be directed back at you. Okay. Okay. Okay, but I read um girls And then you know how you're an audition and when they close it to when you leave

Yeah, you want to know what they're saying? Oh, yeah, and you think that look at that guy's breath What is that a fucking Cambodian jungle? You know, whatever it might be that they say in my head You know, I mean, that's what I think God damn. I want to kill him. Jesus. Oh something like that. Just brush your teeth before and I don't No, no, but no Allison's like When they close the door, I thought she should go on that girl. No, it's just like kind of like your shoes Totally, man. Your shoes are cool And I'm like, oh, you don't talk shit

You're a good you mean there was a couple girls that didn't read well and she doesn't know that's just the way it is Totally. She doesn't care. She doesn't get it. She's just a nice person. How about that? Yes, some people want to make others suffer and have that power trip Others just want people to do their best and she's just one of those. She's one of those people Want to see people do well But there's a reason that when you look at the comedy in the last 10 15 years Yeah, her name is is on a lot of everything the office parks and rec going back to fresh Prince of Bel Air Bridesmaids the new Ghostbusters every apatow movie. Yeah, um, Kirby enthusiasm. Kirby enthusiasm. Arrested development. Yes, Freaks and Geeks

Anything cool and good. Yes. She does. So I mean, you know, you want to be in her good graces then Yeah, so I have to plug this now because this is very apropos. I host a monthly show at UCB sunset And it's an interview show. Yeah, okay. It's a live interview show on stage. It's an hour long. It's called so you do comedy Yeah, and my guest on July 25th. This coming July 25th is Allison Jones. Wow I'll be there. We have to be there. We have to go. You have to please please. I want to go please. Yeah And do we get with the pay? It's okay. No, no, I'll put you on there. It's five bucks, babe. I mean, no, no, no, no, no, no, no The fuck you He's gonna ask you for a trailer next and I um, I've only done this will be my seventh show. Yeah

And uh, I want to tell you who my other guests have been because they've been cool Okay, god, tell me and then I want it. I was gonna wait, but I wanted to ask you Okay, I'll do it, but give me the other one. Well, once I kind of run out of A-listers. I'll go ahead and answer that. First show was Bob Odenkirk. That's your boy, too. You ever heard of him? Yes. Second show, Fred Willard. Legend. Legend. Third, Andy Richter. Legend. Legend. Fourth, Lorraine Newman from SNL. Original cast. She's still alive. Original cast. How old is she? She's up there. Well, no, she's not up there. She's a legend.

She's, you know, from the late 60s. Legend. Yeah Then David Kekner from Anchorman. I love him. I just stand up with him. Yep. Oh, right. And then just last Two weeks ago was Martin Malt. Do you know who that is? I love him. Legend. Legend. Yeah So, um, I'm gonna have to wait a year. No, I can feel it. No. Yeah, but that's enough. No, I'll wait a year. No, no, I have to wait. You're doing history, you know. I'll do it a year when you're running out. I'll do it the end. I'll be like a replacement. Like, Martin Malt could then show up for the second one. Chris, how would you introduce Bobby if he was on the show? Oh my god, I would have to say Mexican teenagers.

Your favorite. Well, I run out of guests. I was doing, I was laughing the day about Seinfeld's comedians and cars, how he's eventually gonna run out of guests and cars. Today we got Paula Poundstone in a Honda Accord. I'm very funny. You're very funny. You're so good, dude. But I'm gonna say this because you guys, let me say something about sketch guys. Whenever people want to come to my show as a stand-up, I put them on the list. I buy their drinks. I take care of them. With the sketch guys, you have to wait in that line. Seriously, you got to pay the cover. The seats are all fucked up. You know what I mean? And then you're going, oh, why?

Why is it like that? I'm asking you to. Yeah. Oh, why? I know. It is, man. Yeah, or, or there's only two people in the audience. Yeah, either or. Yeah, I know because because man kind of stand up as its own fucking professionally run thing. Yeah. Sketch is still a circus. It's a circus. Yeah. Yeah. Except Second City in Chicago. They run a tight ship. Oh, I bet. Yeah, because I used to do that club. Up. Yeah. Yeah. Right. No, it's a really good thing. I remember being on Madden going to Second City and watching the Saturday show. Oh, wow. With everybody. Yeah, it was really good. I like watching Groundlings too sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're fun. Very good.

That's right. That's it. Eddie, do you have any movies yet? No. I hear you're a magician. A realized magician. Talk about it. She did her research. He's like a pro. That's how I started in showbiz. You do magic. He's afraid of magic. He's afraid of magic. Terrified of any type of magic. You are? He's sweating. You did your research. No, you do fucking magic. That's how I started in showbiz. I was a birthday party magician. Are you good at it? Not really, but. Yeah, well, can you do one now? I don't know. Do you like birds? Very good one. Very funny. Very funny. Very good.

Was she you work with cards and stuff? Not really. All my tricks require like a little setup. So like I could leave the room and then come back and do a cool trick, but you know. Right. Yeah. Oh, you could leave and come back and do it? Right. They require a little setup. Like had I known you were going to ask me, I would have shit in my pockets to do it. But like, you know. So it's not. Oh, fuck, here we go. It's not real magic. No, of course it's not real magic. It's all bullshit. And that's why I then, when I was 15, was looked in the mirror and was like, am I going to be a fucking magician? No, I'm going to do it. So then I switched the card. So you, you thought that this could be a career path for you? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure. That's hilarious. Yeah. Actually, that's pretty cool. It's a real career, babe. It is. It's a real career. Hot stuff.

This bottle cap right here, you know, like if I took it right here, we're like that. Would it like to be white? He got up. I can't. Daddy's afraid. Get out of my house. That's fucking weird. That's good, Chris. That's good. That's really good, Chris. But yeah, what about this one? Because one time, oh god, one time I drew like a photo, I drew a picture and he ripped it up. And then like, and then it was like in my pocket or something. Oh, yeah. We're at the magic castle. How does that happen? Have you been there? Yeah. How does that happen? He hasn't been there yet. He will not take me because he's afraid of it. You're afraid of magic? In fact, because you know magic, you're now a notch below. Like no more dick flex.

No, please. No, no, no, no. But like, how do they do that? I don't know. I don't know. You can't reveal. Yeah, he knows this fucking guy. Of course you do. No, I really don't know. Yeah, he knows the tricks to the trade. You know, you remember of Magic Castle? No, but I like going there. But I, you know, I stopped, I was learning it up until I was like 15 and then I was like, I'm not going to be a fucking magician. So then I stopped. So, you know, I'm not that scared of it. How did you start doing magic tricks and what drew you to it? My grandpa did magic tricks at the Thanksgiving dinner table and I got interested. I, you know, wanted to learn about it. And then in Chicago, there's magic shops and my dad took, signed me up for magic lessons and drove me into the... Really? What a cool dad. He's cool. He's cool. And how old were you then when you did magic? Probably 13, 12, 13. Oh, that's amazing. And then I saw my first Second City show when I was like 14 and I was like, oh, this is what I want to do.

That's what you really wanted to do is sketch. Because then I looked on the wall at Second City and there's all my heroes. Bill Murray, John Belushi, and I was like, oh, this is what I want to do. Yeah, yeah. And now you are, now here you are in Hollywood. Now here I am in Bobby Lee's second bedroom. Second bedroom, yeah. So Kyla and I watched Conjuring 2 last night. We did. Did you see it? No, good. Is he Conjuring 1? I saw Conjuring. You don't watch it. You don't need to see. We'll have watched Conjuring 1 together. Well, I like that shit, but I just haven't seen it. Should I? Oh. Yeah. Tonight? No. Yeah, you'll watch it tonight. You don't have to see the first one. You scare easy? I mean, I like scary movies. It's pretty fucking scary. It is? You know, it wasn't, it wasn't masterfully crafted. Like, I like, like the, the movie, The Witch was so beautiful.

Everything about it, the music. It's an art house film, bitch. Yeah. But, but this movie was just, to me, straight up scary. Really? Yeah. I mean, I, I love, yeah, we were screaming. I got elbowed in the ribs by him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, I scream, I scream loud, huh? Like, too loud. Yeah. I go like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really loud. Really loud. Screeching. Yeah, I screech. Like, I, I, because you know what? We got yelled at by the people in front of us. In front of the movie. Yeah, because Jessica kicked the. We got, we were all a freak. We were all holding each other and then the guy like turned around. He's like, can you not kick your chair? He's like, hey, Bobby Lee, stop. Yeah. He stopped Bobby Lee. Yeah. But it was pretty fucking scary, you know? And, and the English are scary.

There's something about English kids with their crooked teeth. Yes. You know what I mean? And their bad feet. Bad feet. They have bad feet. Oh, yeah. That's a scary one. You said I had Kate Blanchett feet. She's different. So I thought that was something that was a compliment. No, you have nice feet. Kate Blanchett's English. She's Australian, right? Oh, she, I don't know. No, she's British, I think. No, look it up. I don't know. I don't care. You don't care? Oh, I can't wait for her to, I can't wait for Kate Blanchett to listen to this. No, but the, the movie is based on true events. Oh, it is. Oh, so that even makes it more Australian. It makes it creepy. She is Australian. Oh, good on you, baby. Thank you. But yeah, it's, it's, um, it's a real case

called, hunting at Enfield. That's what it's called in England. Okay. And if you look at YouTube, the BBC, they have the real recording of, yeah, they do. Yeah. Real images. Real images and stuff. And it was a real thing. And it's like, no, thank you. Is the first one good? Annabelle, right? It's like this. Is the first movie good? Yes. The first one's good. The first one's good. And I can find it on Netflix. No. You don't have money? Where can I watch it? Bible give you money. iTunes. Conjuring. The first conjuring. You know what? No, no, no. I don't need your fucking conjuring money. There it is. I don't need your conjuring money. Oh, we're going to watch the conjuring tonight. We had a girlfriend, so like, give him another time. Now, Bobby, you can't afford that. If you

don't take that money, you can't afford this. If you don't take this money right now to watch the conjuring, listen to me right now. Listen to me right now. If you don't fucking take this money for the conjuring, you and I are done. That's true. Take the fucking money. This is how much we pay our guests for podcast appearances. Let's just take it. Do a magic trick. Guess what happened over the week, guys? What? What? Bobby Lee got verified on Instagram finally. You did? Bobby, how did it happen? Tell us. He begged his agent to do something to raise hell. So call your agent after all. That's how you do it? Yeah. Is that really how you do it? How they do it, but I don't know how they do it, but Nick Yusef, my feature, and Sarah Tiana, who were both

my features on the road, were verified before me. God. And it really hurt my feelings. It really should, because I'm not joking. You have the best Instagram account I've ever seen. Thank you so much. You really? Really nice coming from your mouth. You really, really good. That's not the point. The fucking point is that when you're verified, right, it makes it kind of more legitimate. Totally. And to see people that aren't, that have not done nothing in their careers, really, to be verified before me, it really fucking burns. Yeah, I guess I was telling him, I know a soccer player who plays in like the D League in India, who had 4,000, actually like a thousand followers who got verified and he didn't. That's a crime. Yeah, that's a crime. But then you look, I looked

and like We Man has a half a million followers. Oh my God. No, not verified. Not? Determined, I wonder. I don't know. Can I tell you something that drives me fucking crazy? Tell me. My girlfriend's verified and I'm not. How many followers is on Twitter? It's not about. It drives you crazy. It drives you crazy. It drives me. Does she post more? Does she tweet more, perhaps? Probably. Who has more followers? Yeah, but she's also on a TV show that's great. What's the show? It's called Teachers. It's on TV land and her and her girlfriend started it together. Oh, cool. It's really cool. Are you guys start on it? Not yet. Yeah. What the fuck's that about too? Yeah. You got some cool things that you have to work on personal life. Let me ask you this.

Yes, you have more followers than you? Yes, she does. How much more? But not a lot. I only have 900 followers on Twitter. And well, that's the problem. 1700 on Instagram. Yeah, that's the problem. Fuck you. Yeah, 900 followers. Yeah, man. Followers shouldn't matter though. It's whether or not you have credits, right? Are you on Twitter? Yeah. But are you on Twitter? How many followers do you have? Like 30, 40? This guy. Wow. See, this is called, you know what this is called? No. You know what this is called? Upward and downward social comparison. And this is what's fucking up our culture. Get it, Chris. Go. No, I'm serious. You know how everybody's kind of depressed right now? Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Things are kind of weird right now and everybody's kind of depressed. I think Brexit has something to do with it. People just have this mood. Brexit, yeah. But I'm not just talking about right now. I'm talking about our, the zeitgeist right now of, I'm not just talking about this week or last week. No, in general, yeah. In general. In the last five, 10 years, yes. There's a thing called upward social comparison and downward social comparison. And upward social comparison is when you're looking at fucking all this shit that we're all addicted to now. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, all this shit. You get it? And you're looking and you're going, oh my God, this person has such a cooler life than me. This person's killing it. And you're

comparing yourself to that. And we do it constantly now. Constantly. Before you go to bed, we're doing it. When you first thing first thing when I wake up, what am I doing? I'm grabbing my phone, scrolling through everything. And I'm seeing people and I go, this guy's doing better than me. And I compare myself and it takes you down the rabbit hole. It does. So, so we're all doing that constantly now. Constantly. We're doing that. And it's such, it's based on an unreality. It's not, everybody curates their social media based on how they want to appear. Not really. It's not true to their life. And I tell Gilbert this all the time. He says, wow, you know, your snaps are funny. Your Instagram is funny. I'm like, I'm miserable.

Totally. I'm miserable. I've been sick. That is a zero reflection on the reality of my life. It's a greatest hits of everybody's. Yes. Another thing, somebody who said this, so great. Facebook, all the shit is the cocaine of affirmation. Yeah, it is. That, yes. It's the cocaine. The likes. Yes. Snorting likes. Yes. And you get that hit of dopamine and you're like, oh, yeah, I'm doing good now. And then, but then it fades and then you need it again. And it's this. So anyway, upward social comparison is me looking at you going, fuck, Bobby Lee's guy, how many followers you got? And we, you know, Instagram 132,000. Jesus. So see, just hearing that right now, I go, fuck, this guy's got a hundred. Yeah, well, but I, but I go, I go,

this guy's got a fucking hundred and 30,000 followers. And I go, fuck, I have 900 and that makes me feel like shit. Fuck him. You know, he's more popular, but he's more famous. And I go down. Okay. But then I hear what's George here. Yeah. 30 followers. That's called downward social comparison. And I go, Oh, well, at least I'm not this fucking guy. Yeah. So you become two types of monsters. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's turning. So you, you, you fucking piece of shit. But that creates two kinds of monsters in you. It makes you both the insecure guy and the guy who looks down at the guy with 30 followers. So you're a double headed monster. But then at the, it evens out. So what's the problem? It doesn't even out. You look at other

people and you go, Oh my God, I'm not Eric Stone. No, you feel shitty. And I go, Oh, fuck, I'm not this fucking piece of shit. I'm even, I feel even. And then you look at DP and feel yeah, because he hasn't, well, I have an obsession of, can we just make an admission now? So when we first started this podcast, I was used as a pawn. He has an obsession with a particular, don't say the name. Okay. We had with a particular Asian comedian. Don't that's specific. And he checks his Instagram first thing in the morning at 20 times during the day and last thing before he goes to bed. Only his mostly downward comparison. I do downward comparison, but also a lot of what, what if this becomes me? Okay. And then what happens is he used

me as a pawn and beginning a few episodes of our podcast and I unleashed, you know, a lot of like, why does this, you know, I basically like thrilled his Instagram. I told her, no, okay. Then we're making, we're being honest. Let's be honest. Let's be honest. Chris is here. Yeah. The truth is, the truth is you have an obsession with him. It's not me. And let's talk about this type of obsession since we're in the topic of downward upward. The reason why I'm obsessed with this person is because he's down here, but he tries to make

people believe that he's not who he is and it drives me crazy. So he does little lines. He hashtags a lot. He likes his own photos. You know what I mean? He's the first guy to like his own photos. He does a lot of things. You know what I mean? He'll say hashtag his name, hashtag his name in plural, hashtag his name and friends. Self important. He's very self important. That would be. And it drives me fucking crazy. What is that? What is that?

Well, I can tell you what he is. What is it? He's deeply insecure. And then he's deeply insecure too because he's afraid. He pits himself against this guy as if they were in the same racetrack. Bracket. Yeah. Yeah. So I say before I post anything, before I post anything, I'll go to collego. Is this, does this feel like that guy? She goes, no.

Okay. Yeah. And I'll post it. Like I'm obsessed. I know. No. Why do we do that? You know, is there a book I can read? I want to learn. Well.

Do you have that person in your life where you're just pitted against all the time? Yes. Yes. Who is that? You don't know anything. No, we're. Yeah. But is that person in comedy? Yes.

Sketch guy? Yes. Does he live in LA? Yes. Same management company. You wouldn't, you probably wouldn't even know. And so you have the same person in your life, I'm sure that you're pitted against. Kind of.

Yeah. I think everyone has that. I think so too. I think that's healthy in a way. Yeah. I think it's competitive. The rivalry? Yeah. I think it's healthy. I make up adversaries. So it motivates me.

You create adversaries? In my head. Because this guy has no idea that I feel the way I do or I'm obsessed the way I am. We mentioned it in all 48 of our episodes on this podcast. You say his name? That's how obsessed he is. You say his name? We have.

Yeah. But I love him in a way. Uh-huh. Yeah. I do love him in a way. I say he's, I'm the Joker. He's Batman. Like we can't live without each other. Wow.

Even though he has no idea that I have this thing, you know? Yeah. He has no idea. So I'm obsessed with him. I feel like he should be a guest on our show. I truly believe that. He won't do it. He's no way you can do it. I think you should look the man right in the eye and say,

hey, I check your Instagram 87 times a day. You're wise. Admissions. Me too, huh? It might release you off that burden of that weight that you feel in your stomach when you wake up in the morning. Give me a book. I want to write it down.

Upward what? I really want to look it up. Well, that's just not from a book. Upward cobalt stability. What's it called? That's called Upward Social Comparison. Okay. Upward?

Social Comparison. And Downward Social Comparison. Okay, Social Comparison. Okay. And Downward Social Comparison. I can get that. Okay. But a book you should read is called Daring Greatly.

Daring Greatly. By Brene Brown. Why? Because it's great. What's it about? Talks about all this shit. Talks about all this shit. It does?

So you've been sober for two years. What was the point at which you decided, okay, this is enough. My life is on a downward trajectory and things have got to change. I had been saying this. I had been talking to myself for a long time. You got to stop this. What the fuck are you doing? Every morning I woke up with a hangover because I binge.

I was as a binge drinker. I wasn't drinking by myself. I wasn't drinking in the morning. But when I started drinking, the floodgates opened. And I binge. It's like cocaine. Exactly. And then it's shots of Jameson.

And then, yeah. Right. Coke and all that shit. Could you perform that way or no? No. But it was always after. Like at Second City. Yeah.

Because when you're doing Second City in Chicago, you're like a local celebrity. And you go to the bar afterwards and everybody just saw you, kick ass for two hours. And they're like, we got to buy this guy's shots. And then it's Jameson. And then it's fucking Miller Lite. And you know, white guy drunk.

Yeah. And then I would get, you know, I would beat an asshole and, you know, do stupid shit. Right. And then ate a burrito. You read a book, right? You read a book to help you. So, but then to answer your question,

I, there was one night. There was one night where I took a bunch of mushrooms and took a bunch of Molly and drank a bunch. Oh, what a weird combo. Totally weird combo. And so what it did was the, the Molly made me feel all happy. And the mushrooms made me like look at my life. Yeah.

And I had this fucked up night where I stayed up till noon. The next day my heart and that that night I was like, you're done, dude. You're gonna fuck yourself. You're gonna get your bottom. So no M&Ms, kids, no M&Ms, no Molly and mushroom combo. That's right. Yeah.

You hit your bottom. I don't really call it candy flipping or something like that. Is that what it is? That's a real thing. Yeah. Yeah. So you, you read a book though. So then, okay.

So then the next day I'm talking to myself, you're done. You can't fucking keep doing this. And I was calling some friends and asking about AA. Okay. I'm like, what, you know, tell me about this AA. I have a lot of friends who were doing it and I was wanting to learn about it.

But I always knew and not to say anything about AA, but again, I'm an atheist and I know that there was a religious thing to it. There is. Whatever. Whatever. And I know certain people do it differently or whatever and they, you know, whatever.

Fuck you. Don't. What the fuck? Cut to five years earlier, I used to smoke cigs in college. I know what those are. Yes. And I read a book called The Easy Way to Quit Smoking. Okay.

And that, that is what made me quit because it was great. And so then I look and I see this guy also wrote a book called The Easy Way to Quit Drinking. And I read it cover to cover and I haven't had a drink since. Wow. That's two years ago. Wow. And you don't have a desire or anything.

I don't know. It takes away the desire. That's what the book does. We get into this discussion often because he's very, I mean, and I get it, he's very gung-ho about AA. And he feels like that is the only way to get sober because it works for him, right? Sure.

But I'm a believer in, you know, people taking different paths based on their personality, based on, you know, like it's very circumstantial. It's also, but we fight about this all the time. And I do think there are multiple ways to get sober. Yes. So I do, but can I make an argument? Please, please.

May I argue? Yeah, yeah. In AA, I've seen bottom dwellers, dudes that were literally homeless and been almost on the verge of wet brain. In those specific cases, right? In when it comes to like chronic alcoholism, I believe that 12 subgroups are probably the only way to do it. And I'm a spiritual...

You know what? He is right because I'm an atheist. I don't necessarily believe in a God, but I will say it when I see someone so fucked up, like that person needs Jesus. Because sometimes that is the only salvation. And there are people who get on the right path just when, when they, when they fixate and they believe in something so deeply.

And even though I don't believe it, I think that it would probably better their lives. And it's also isn't, it isn't, it isn't the God thing that is truly based upon. It is getting out of yourself and helping another human being. So it's like my fears and all my depression and everything is based on self-seeking motives and being self-centered and living on self-will.

You know what I mean? Where's me, me, me, and that's where my depression sits. The reason why people feel better after an AA meeting is because when people are sick in the room and they have a week or three days or a day of sobriety and they're scared and they're, they don't know what to do and you reach your hand out and go, hey, can I buy you a meal? Do you need to ride home?

Hey, you can call me anytime you want 24 seven. That act of doing that is what I think the key of AA is, is helping another human being. The God thing isn't, most people that I know in AA don't talk about Jesus or it's not, it's this ambiguous thing that is just a power greater than yourself. But I think the real key is, is that for me, yeah, I might be able to stay, I mean, like I, right now I have,

I have 14 years, but I haven't been to really, I'm not active in AA in this last year. I would have to say that if I was more active in AA right now, I'd be much happier. Wow. I have, okay, I have a question then. So for someone, let's say, like me, I'm so, my belief is always self-accountability.

I can never get myself to think that a higher power took away my addiction. Let's suppose I became an addict. That's where, that's where I would find myself a little confused because what if I was an addict and I'm like, look, I don't believe in a higher power that's going to remove this addiction. I want to believe in myself and my own accountability

to rid myself of this addiction. So how do you, how do you address somebody like me then? But I'm going to argue this is that you don't have an addiction. So it's like, you would know if you had an addiction that, oh, my will isn't working. I see. I don't have a choice. It's beyond me.

It's beyond me. There's nothing I can do. I've, I've gone through all these different roads and all the doors are shut and I'm fucked. But do you get what I'm saying though? I want to drive the wheel. I want to drive the wheel. If I had that, then I wouldn't have need AA.

I don't have that. I see. Okay, I got it. I can't stop. I understand. On my own. It's nine o'clock now. I have to do a show in 30 minutes.

Okay, let's wrap up with a question. Take Chris with you. Unhelpful advice with Bobby Kalaila at Chris Watoski. Listen to an email and then we try your best to respond. Try your best. It's called unhelpful advice. So you don't have to be. Hello, Tiger Balli.

My name is Guillermay and I'm from Brazil. And I have a girlfriend. We're both young, 19 years old for me, 18 years old for her. And I'm extremely jealous of her and her ex boyfriend and dudes that she gets laid with. I was a virgin. I was a virgin until I met her and I can't stand she talking about her past sexual relations.

I don't know if that happens because I was a virgin, but I wish that some of her experiences of BDSM, she should have done only with me. I think that I'm selfish and need to see some professional help because the feeling is the same that if I was cheated, I feel depressive, extremely sad. Can you help me with some advice? I know that you're young.

I know that we're young, but she really is the woman of my life. I've been with other girls, but we have never had sex. Thanks. Love you, Bobby. So he lost his virginity to this girl and she keeps talking about her previous partners. Well, unfortunately, you can't change. You have the facts.

You have to accept the situation because there's nothing you can do about it. No, what he could do about it is, hey, listen, lady, I love you. I don't want to hear about your shit because I'm not emotionally mature. I'm not I'm not ready to hear all of it. Like you and I, we talk about shit openly because we laugh about it.

I'm 31. You're 45. We've we've seen a bit, right? But when you're 19, you're not emotionally equipped to deal with or imagining your partner being with other people, especially BDSM. Yeah, I get what he's doing. I guess what he's saying. Yeah, it's, um, he loves her so much

and he he hates the fact that some other man, you know what I mean? Entered her to nice, which is every 19 year old. Yeah, it's funny because when you're 19, what did he say? I know we're young, but she really is the woman of my life. Like I think back to when I was 19 and I was saying the same exact fucking thing about I can't even remember her name now, you know.

And and so I get where this kid's at and I can totally empathize with him. But dude, it's going to change when you get home. I also think that jealousy is almost inescapable. You're going to get through. You're going to go through a window of a few years where you're just the most jealous person on earth and you're going to break out of it at some point.

Some people take longer. Some people say I wish I could still feel jealous. Really? Yeah. He's not jealous. I'm not jealous at all. I am still a little bit jealous. I am so little too.

No, I wish I could be jealous for you. Does that mean he doesn't love you? You don't love me? I love you. No, it just means he's been through a lot. I just don't get jealous. If you cheated on me, there'll be wrath, like a massive wrath that you won't deal with.

You won't survive. You won't survive it. My sword. It'll just be so devastating that you'll be like, what the fuck happened? But I know that you won't do that. So I'm fine. If you were at a club and some guy,

you know what I mean? Try to hit on you. I've seen it. Guys come up to you and go, it doesn't make me jealous at all. And then if they look at me and they go, why are you with this little piece of shit? I'm fucking magic, pure and simple.

Yeah, but I also have your back. I'm pure magic. I also don't do things to incite any type of jealousy. I'm fucking, I'm great, babe. Give some credit to me. Yeah, give her some credit. I want to hear about this really. Go ahead.

Talk about you two. Where'd you meet? You're so great. Chris, you know this. You know where we met. Oh yeah, you told me this. You did tell me this. Tinder, we already fucking told you.

Chris just wanted you to say it. I'm trying to come up with an alternate story that other people might believe, but it turns out. I also want to plug your, I want your Instagram, your Twitter to go up. Yeah. So what are your handles? Thank you.

What is it? That's so nice. Okay. My Instagram at YTOW. W-I-T-O-W. Okay. Okay. Instagram.

That's Instagram. Twitter is my name at Chris Watoski. W-I-T-A-S-K-E. Okay. And if you do follow Chris, do not follow his girlfriend. Thank you. Oh, nice Bobby. I want him to catch up.

Don't follow Katie O'Brien. Don't follow him. Yes. In fact, if you're following, you're unfollowing. Yes. Yes. Yes. Let's try to even the playing field here.

Even the playing field. No, I love her so much. She's great. I just want to say that it was a pleasure having you on. You have to come back. You have to come back. I want to come back. It's over.

We have a lot to dig in. I think we still have a lot of delve into it together. I think this was the tip of the iceberg. Yes. It's the bottom. We learned a lot from you. What's happening? With the masses we've got to get through of the iceberg.

Where do you have a show right now? It's none of your business. What time are we at now? We're long. Pretty long. What is it? Hour of something. Good.

Hour of the 15th. Good. That was an hour? Yeah. What for many shows? Your shows one more time? My next show, July 25th. UCB Sunset 830.

Alison Jones is my guest. It's going to be great. Where can they get tickets? UCBSunset.com, I guess. Beautiful. Cloudy any shows for Bobby? Yes. Sacramento, July, a third week of July.

That's cool. And one more question we have to ask you. We ask every guest. Do you like eating? Oh, yeah. What are your thoughts on? Do we really need to ask them? I feel like we've already ended on a good note.

No, ask me. I've asked everybody. What are your thoughts on butthole eating? Oh, I like it. But I like it. Finally, somebody. I like a post shower. If I mean, if I had my pick, I'd like a post shower.

OK, then I take that pound. No. Because you should be indiscriminate about when and where. I get it. I get it. If it's offered to you, you just take it. I get it. OK.

Laws of the land. Yeah, I know. Bob, he's not into it. No one is. I am the only one who's offering my asshole every day of my life. Bob is not into it? He's just not into any.

Yeah, he's weirded out by his own asshole. So he doesn't want to say this last weekend. Yeah. I dabbled. OK, you dabbled. What does dabbling mean? I went. Then I went back.

And you were like, no, thank you. I'm OK. I think I tasted something. I'm good. All right, guys. Find us on Instagram at Tiger Belly on Twitter at the Tiger Belly and write us your questions and emails to thetigerbellyedgmail.com.

And we will see you next week. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for having me. Where's Bobby going? Just disappear. Yeah, just leave. He's not even real. OK, bye.

Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Hey, Prime members. You can listen to Tiger Belly ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcast. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com.

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