TigerBelly - Episode 54: Jade and the Indian Giver

Episode Date: August 17, 2016

Jade Catta-Preta is our princess for the evening. Bobby is the butler. Khalyla is the orchestrator. Gilbert is the gardener. We talk foot AIDS, comedians in ballgowns, and Mongo The Destroyer.   Recorded August 15, 2016 Music by Bobby Lee Instagram: @tigerbelly Twitter: @thetigerbelly YouTube.com/tigerbelly Facebook: thetigerbelly www.thetigerbelly.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening ad-free on Wondery Plus. Me, me, me, me. OK. Welcome to another episode of Tiger Belly. I'm Captain Admiral Bob Young Lee. The first. The first. And I have Kalila, Koloko, Koloko, Koloko, Kolkun,

my girlfriend. I don't really know how to say her last name. He still doesn't. We've been together for three years. Kune. Kune. We've got Gilbert. I don't know your last name.

What is it? Galone. Galone? I knew that. And then we have a guest today, J. Cataprita, Pritaprita, K. Jay from the sitcom Manhattan Love Story. Yeah. Didn't make it.

Can't cancel. Oh. How long, how many episodes? 11 episodes. There we go. That's a lot. That's a win. It was cool.

And she's on Girl Code. Funny. And she's also on, she hosts for VH1. What do you host? I have a show called Flashback Fridays. Flashback Fridays. And she sometimes opens for me on the road. And she opens also for Bill Burr and Kevin Nieland.

And I'm your third. Your third choice? I'm your third choice. You're the OG. Admit, though. No, I don't. I want, no, admit it right now that I'm your third choice. You just, you never hang out during the day and, you know, I want to go paddle boarding

and like texting and stuff and, you know, keep those out with me. Oh, really? Kevin Nieland goes paddle boarding. He went paddle boarding with me. He did. What? He did. And what does Bill Burr do with you?

Bill, we go to barbecue. We learn French. We drive around. We see the sights. That's why I'm third wrong. You don't do that stuff, man. When do you ever see me during the day? I don't know what you look like during the day.

Do you know why? Because you're sleeping all day. Exactly. Yeah. Okay. Because I have shit to do. It's so funny. Oh, but being on the road with you is the funniest.

So that's why I do it for the stories, you know? Oh, that's really nice. And so I mean to you, you said. Before we started. You're very mean to me. Why? How? I remember one time you were just looking at me and you go, ugh, you have the ugliest,

ugliest head. Wow. You said the opposite of me. You were like, you're such an alien. You do have a very large head. Extremely. Your head looks like a fucking brown peanut. And it's like in a tiny bun tonight.

Like I just want to eat it, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. But her proportions are all petite. I'm all very small. Really? She's 46 years old. She's 46 years old and pounds. Do I look old too?

No, you're really 46. I'm 32. But you really need to eat something. I mean. Listen, guys, I eat more than most people. Yeah. You do? I do.

I don't know. I go out to, oh no. I've been sick. Tell people my rule. My rule. Okay. This is really mean too. Well, not as much now, but when I see it really broke.

And Jeremiah Watkins also, somebody that opens for me, it really hates that I do this. Yes. But go ahead. Let me start with something sweet. Bobby's the most generous person ever. He takes everybody out to dinner. He treats everyone. He's very sweet.

He orders for the table. Very alpha. Okay? But then, when you're broke and you're on the road and you just want a piece of pizza late at night in your own hotel room, that's not allowed. You can't take the leftovers. Bob will not allow it. He made me shove a box of pizza down a trash can that wasn't big enough for the pizza box.

He made me crush it in while he was yelling at me. And Jay, tell me why. Because it's his food that he bought. And he's papa. Have we talked about this before? Oh no, he does the same thing with me. I'm not allowed to ever take the- I love leftovers.

Why do you do that? It's like the best. Because I mean, I'll tell you why. No, it's not a power thing at all. It's not a power thing. Listen to me, Gilbert, right now. Listen to me right now. Okay?

Is if I pay for the meal, it's mine. It's an Indian gift. Is that correct? No, it's not even an Indian gift. No, it's not even an Indian gift. How fucking dare you? Because he doesn't take it back. He just forces you to throw it away.

So when you start packing up my food and you're going to go, hey, I'm going to take it to my hotel room. I say no because it's not yours. Right, Bryce? So it's like this. It's like if I buy you, shoes are a little different. Shoes are different. I've bought in people shoes.

I bought you shoes. He bought me shoes because we were in Chicago, it was on my birthday and I was really sad and lonely because then he took me to the mall and he bought me some shoes. Really sweet. I think you got Faheem some shoes too. I got Faheem. I don't want some shoes. Right?

Because what am I going to do with them? I mean, it's their size, right? Take them off while you're sleeping. Totally different. Yeah. I mean, I feel like if I get you shoes, I can take them back at any time. No. Yes, I can.

I bought it. That's an Indian. That's literally the definition of Indian gift. It's not. I don't even know. I'm not Indian. You're an Indian giver. Yeah.

What is Indian gift? I've never heard of that before. You're a Korean giver. Taking back what you give to somebody. Or controlling what the gift is. Yeah, but I have never taken back shoes. I'm just saying theoretically and philosophically. You could.

I could. All right. Yeah. So with the food, it stays at the table. All right. Yeah. You know what this bitch does? I mean, my beautiful girlfriend, she gets, she goes, I'm going to take meat back from

Korean barbecue. Okay. All right. It's because I want to give it to homeless people on our way home. Right, right. And it stays in the car for three months. Because he doesn't allow me to get out the car. So each time I'm like, stop, stop right here, stop right here.

James passed them. Bobby, you know, okay, I'm going to say this. A homeless person doesn't want Korean barbecue. They want anything. They don't. They want crack. But they can trade food. They can trade food with someone for maybe a cigarette that then can be traded for a

razor blade, but then can be traded for cash for drugs. Chris Delia. One time I gave a homeless guy 20 bucks and he couldn't grab me. He goes, you know what he's going to do with that money? I go, what? He goes, he's going to buy crack. Why did you do that? Chris?

Because, yeah, I said, because I don't have crack on me. You would have given a crack. I would have given a crack. If I could give him crack, right, then how, first of all, let me say this, how happy would the homeless person be? He'd be so happy. How do you know that's your choice of drug? You have to get it's crack.

Well, whatever drug they want, yeah, whatever drug they want, they're shaky, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They'd be like, hey, can I have some, no, but I have crack. They'd be like, are you Jesus? Are they Asian as well? There's not a lot of, well, Jada, I'm your homeless impressions aren't good. I'm sorry. I have a question for you, Jade.

Yeah. Yeah. Has he been wearing this God awful ponytail all weekend? No, but I like it. I like it. I like it. But I was, so I feel like he's kind of copying my hair. I'm Tony Thornburg and everybody knows that.

When I, yeah. I went. Do you know who Tony Thornburg is? I have no idea. Okay. I'm going to tell you right now. Okay. I'll pull it out.

I suck his dick so bad. I'm a half Asian, half Swedish male model and I was stuck his dick so fast. You know who's the hottest Asian guy, the guy on the walking dead, the Asian guy on the walking dead. He's so hot. No, he's not. He's not. He has skin in real life.

He's gorgeous. He's gorgeous. And his fiance is gorgeous. We sent karaoke with him in Japan. I was like. You were in Japan with Steven? Yes. Oh, that's amazing.

Oh man. This guy is a villain. What do you mean? Tony. Look at this guy. Look at how cute he is. Come on, dude. He's beautiful.

You guys can't see him. Real long face. It looks like it's melting, but just enough. Yeah. Just right enough. People don't know who's who in this photo. Let me see. No, people can tell.

No, they don't. Which one's Steven? You. The one that fucking baggy is the one in the back. Yeah. Yeah. They go, which one is it? The one on the right?

No. It's the one in the back. Can you post that photo along with the episode, please? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. Steven You and I are identical.

He's so sweet. So Tony Thornberg's my man, but what else bothers you about me? By the way, this is what the show is. This is what the show is. Just let it all out. Let it all out. Jay, now's your time. Well, I know for a fact that you wear the same pair of underwear the entire weekend.

True. The entire weekend. Really? I can corroborate. Come on, man. I don't. Was that you? Wow.

Oh, I'm professional. Sorry, it's Nick Rutherford. Is it Nick? Oh, let's talk about Nicky Rutherford. So Jay's boyfriend is Nicky, Nick Rutherford. I call him Nicky when he's bad. I love Nick. And Nick is a part of a group called Good Neighbor.

They're a sketch group, correct? Yeah. Well, they don't do a lot. They haven't done a lot of stuff together in a while. I know. But three of the four good neighbors got on SNL. Yeah. And then Nick got on as a writer.

Uh-huh. And Nick is one of my, he's my favorite good neighbor, by the way. Yeah, me too. Yeah, yeah. And I love him. And, um, you know, I don't want to talk about him. Can I tell an embarrassing story about him? Yeah, go ahead.

When he was little and he would do something really bad, his mom would go, it's okay. It's not you. It's Billy. So he has this weird, so he grew up with this weird. What? Yeah. It's fucked up. Who's Billy?

It's just like his, it's like when he's bad, he's Billy. Oh, his alter ego? Yeah. And his mom was like, it's okay. It's not you. It's like a Dr. Jekyll type thing. Yeah. She was like, it's not you.

It's Billy. It's fucked up. I'm like, I'm like, get Billy out of here. And I don't need Billy here. And his mom fed him into that whole mindset. He was a kid actor. She really loved him, you know? Oh, he was a kid actor, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a really great way to not hold your kid accountable and not hold yourself accountable. I didn't make a bad boy. I didn't do that. Billy. That's your dad's side coming out. I'm going to do that too. Yeah.

I'm going to do that to my kid. Well, we're going to raise serial killers for sure. But not Billy. Mungo. That's Mungo. That's Mungo the Destroyer. Hey, Papa. Hey, Papa.

Yeah. When they grow up. I stole candy, Papa. It's okay. That's not you, Jim. It's Mungo the Destroyer. Oh. You're the best Papa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then 20 years later, what happens? I kill someone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And on the news, Mungo the Destroyer burns down half of New York. Oh, wait. I have another horrible thing you did to me on the road. Okay, so I really wanted to submit 30 minutes to Comedy Central, right?

I had this perfect 30. I was really proud of it. Yeah. And I did all weekend and always something went wrong. Finally Sunday rolls around. I do the perfect set. Wow. I can tell that nobody crossed the camera.

I'm just so excited. Yeah. I tell Bobby, finally, I get this, I got this thing. Yeah. It's like, oh, you're going to be so mad at me. You're going to be so mad at me. Yeah. I'm like, why, Bob?

What did you do, Bob? And then it turns out he took the camera during my set into the dressing room, filmed his ass and his balls and then put the camera back. Yeah. I mean, at a point where I could not cut the set together. For your Comedy Central. Yeah. Because they would really like that.

I think he would have got a half hour special because of the camera. I have it and I never will. And another thing I did to her was the thing that I did with your Twitter and your Instagram. What? The BuzzFeeds picked it up. Yeah. She was on stage and I think it was Brea or something like that. And she didn't lock her phone, right?

So I showed her Twitter and her Instagram followers my butthole and stuff. Yeah. It was the most likes I had gotten at the time. Oh, wow. It was a good hack. Backfired. Yeah. And then another thing that happened this weekend was when I was, okay, so at the end

of my shows, I do a little dance. I get into my underwear. I do a little dance and I flip, you know, on a guy on stage. What did the guy in the second show do? He like ate your foot. His entire foot. Oh, no. Let me ask you something.

Oh my God. He'll tell people what's wrong with my feet. I won't even touch his foot with my hands. Sir, if you're listening to this. Yeah. Bobby has fungus on his foot. Not just your regular fungus either. This is like the guy's dying.

He's dying. He's probably dying right now. He has foot aches. He has foot aches in his mouth. He sucked his my foot. And then, you know what I did? I bent my foot so that it would get out of his mouth. He's still interested?

Yeah. Were you uncomfortable? Yeah. Wow. In my head, I'm like, this guy, he's going to die. You know, that he could possibly die. You should send him a gift certificate or something or some coconut water. Yeah.

He could die. He could like aspergillus in his lungs and get like pneumonia and die. Oh my God. Can he really? No, he can't. Oh my God. Kalyla, you're a dark and I like it. I just had a fear.

But no, what's the worst thing that can happen if you sucked on my, my, my green foot? Nothing. Your mouth has a lot of like, it kills. He has such powerful enzymes. It kills everything. That's what it is. He might get a cold. He might get a virus.

You could get that. He might lose a sight. Can you get gingivitis from it? No. Gingivitis from bacteria. Nobody knows how gingivitis really starts. I don't know what gingivitis works. How does gingivitis work?

Just bacteria, not flossing enough so your gums get inflamed. So you could have sucked on it. Yeah. Or just sucking a foot. You could probably get gingivitis. Yeah. But you know what I like about white dudes? They do like, they take it to the next level.

Because they don't want to be embarrassed. They want to be in control. Because they want to one up me? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. When they're like, when they're like dancing, you're like, come on dude, just fight it. It's funnier.

It's funny when they fight it. It's funny when they're uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny when he gets body slammed. Yeah. I've seen a couple dudes drop him. I haven't been.

Yeah. When you there, when? When the black dudes picked you up. Yeah. But it's so funny watching it. I love it. There was this one, I think it was in Ontario, in Prague. Yeah.

This one Asian guy who was so down and so loud. He's like, pick me, pick me. So Bobby brings him up. Yeah. And as soon as he realizes what he's in for, he just gets up, runs out of the club. Like leaves his friends there. Like he's just completely humiliated. He's like from Vietnam.

Yeah. Yeah. No. Okay. So here's another thing I want to talk about and we're going to tip toe through it. Okay. We'll tip toe through it and then you'll reveal what you want to reveal and what you don't want to reveal.

Okay. Okay. But I have a little problem with a female comedian from Chicago. Beef. I like, is it Twitter beef or like real life IRL beef? You have nothing to do with what I'm about to say. So you can, you stay out of it. Okay.

But what's the girl's name? Who you're about to say. Yeah. You say it. I forgot her name. That's why I'm asking you. I don't know. I spoke a lot of pot.

You were high the whole time. I spoke a lot of pot and I did smoke tonight after my Zumba class. Okay. So there is a girl that I, I did the Chicago improv and I had this big up to Tony. Yeah. Why doesn't she remain nameless? So that way we can really talk shit. Okay.

Yeah. All right. So I don't know. Yeah. That's great. I don't know. I don't know how it's happening. She was hosting my shows.

This is a couple of years ago and she showed up to one show wearing a ballroom gown. No, no, no. What was it? We show up and we think she's the manager cause she's like very dressed up. She's wearing like a night dress. Yeah. Like it's shiny. It's satin and she's wearing like pearls.

I think. Yeah. And I do tricks to my features. I don't. Jade has not because she's, I don't know. Maybe it's. No, you've done shit. You have the thing where they would call my name and you wouldn't let me go on stage.

Yeah. I do that. Yeah. Yeah. I do that a lot. But guess what? I can do any club. People don't do that to me now.

So it's, I'm a lot better. Yeah. Exactly. Right. I mean, you, I'm trying to teach these kids. I started at the comedy store and. Yeah. And you're, and you're hardened.

So you're into hazing. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know, some of the African-American comics, like Doc Willis, I would say stuff and you have to say yabba-dabba-doo 10 times up front without justifying. Like a joke and like lighthearted. It's never like, if it was weird. So what happened with this girl?

So then I go, um, Hey, just can you not dress like that? We were kind of, we were kind of made up front. We were joking. It's my show. Yeah. I'm sorry. It's my show. And it's like, I'm just saying that like, you know, it's like, you know, when radio

had plays, I'm not saying that I'm nowhere. I mean, obviously it's like a completely different, you know what I mean? Sorry. Could have backed it up. You mean when like blink 182, who was some local bad? Kid Hoover says, was he 111 perform which is Chad Kdoge play for a票 pack? Nicola back? Really?

Look at this for Hey on Bobby Lee guys. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Let's go. Hooper's Tank they get to choose who opens for them and stuff, right? It's a if someone is headlining that it's the whole show is revolved around the headlining show So I just go can you just dress it down a bit?

It's just to my audience. You're growing up like you know in a gown You know just wear some jeans and a t-shirt and we're cool and she just was completely offended by it Very offended. Yeah, very offended. Oh next night. How did you say it though? What do you mean? I mean, did you did you establish a rapport before you told her bitch don't dress like that? No Okay, Bobby. I would she didn't know who he was and I I could see how she could have been like me, too But she was very dressed up. I really I thought she was the manager. She was like yeah, yeah But what if she was you know, what if that's her thing? It is her thing. Oh, it is her thing Yeah, but not anymore as much. No, I I saw her a couple of months ago

We did a show in the bedroom and I completely forgot what she had looked like and so she was hosting the show and then afterwards I'm in the green room upstairs in the comic store and she walks up like tiptoeing She's like, do you remember me? And I go no And then she goes. Yeah, I was that girl from Chicago and she was wearing jeans. Yeah She doesn't dress up like right because she realized that it's stupid. Anyway, so cut to so then Sunday night, right? Sunday night she leaves the club and I think she hates me right. Yeah Friday the first night We think we're mean to her. We feel bad. We feel bad and then Sunday night. I'm with the the sound guy

And the he's really cool dude. Really cool girl. She text the sound guy saying no, no, no This is what happened. We texted all of him her and somebody else. Hey, we're all gonna go to dinner Oh, right because we felt really bad I wanted to show her that we thought she was cool and she was nice. Yeah, and then she did him She meant to text just the sound guy back, but she texted all everybody. That's right. That's where that's what happened Yeah, and she said that that Bobby Lee is she said no way. I would never want to hang out with them They're taxing. I think she might have said and talentless, but I don't I don't think exactly that she but she did She said taxing. She was like, I never want to hang out with them. They're taxing. Yeah, and you know what that's fine

Taxing I am taxing you guys respond. No. Oh, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, like you No, that's how the sound guy I call he I made him call her on his phone and then I talked she came down No, we talked to her and we did life. Yeah, I don't know she came down We're downstairs in that area. Yeah, and she came down and she was she was really apologetic and we were like, it's fine It's okay. Let's go. Let's go. I would you know what in that in that situation? I would keep it real I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I sent that but that's how I feel. I wouldn't apologize because like exactly how I said No, I'll come out with you guys and then she disappeared But then you told me that flip-flopping what she did is is really not being true to her

Like what you told me this weekend was is that she has a friend. Yes, who's kind of popular and she's coming up, right? a very good female comic that um Doesn't like us because of that incident incident. Yeah, are you paying the price because of Bobby? I've been paying the price for years I've been blacklisted on shows in New York. Yeah, like people go. Yeah, people go. Oh Oh, Jade. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and then I go. What what do you know? What do you know? And and this story has just been totally blown out of proportion It's so minor and she talked about on a podcast. She told me Yeah, so I invite this girl to coffee because I feel bad. I want to clear the air, right?

And over something that over by the river happened to her and she has no idea what happened I mean what has has has she experienced nothing in this life for that to affect her so greatly Yeah, well, I think it is. I think some people want a reason to hate other people and she just found that Because she latched on to it. She latched on. Yeah, I I had her over. She was I was really sweet. She was cold I gave her a scarf from Gap. It was a very expensive one that I like Girl, you already go too much. I'm sorry too much and then this thing came up and she was so pissed and yeah And then I've tried I've tried to be like, hey, let's just get coffee and that's very unlike me Yeah, because I'm vicious. I'm Brazilian. Yeah, she's Brazilian

And I was just like, let's smoke a joint but it infuriates me because I mean you can call me a lot of things I am a fat lazy, you know, I like sometimes lie For no reason, you know, I I have my character defects But you know, I feel like I'm pretty good to my openers and um, I've helped a lot of people In comedy I feel but um, so she's like, you know, spreading these rumors that I'm like, you know, me I mean psychotic and craziness and poisonous. I don't like I love beef like this It's east coast west coast guys. I really do hate it because we really not okay Maybe thinking back like what if we were just horrible to her and we don't remember like is that a possibility?

Okay, but in the world of comedy, don't you think that banters like that happen every day with strangers all the time All the time and you would you would think that this girl is from new york. She would have a little bit of thicker skin Yeah, chicago or chicago even more I mean ellie people are a little bit of pussies, but over there in chicago You know, you would think that she would have a little bit more lacquer to her Yeah, I don't want any beef. I want it to be fun. That's why I do what I that's why I do comedy for a living Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, can you hear the dog? Yeah, yeah, probably Yeah, but do people hate it?

I mean, whatever let's just power through it We have a fucking puppy. Yeah, you got a puppy. It's real. I know we had a puppy lady come over this morning What is a puppy lady? I don't know a trainer Okay, I call them puppy ladies and I had to wake up and oh god, you had to wake up at noon. God forbid Oh my god, bob, are you okay? But an hour and a half of her listening and listening to her have a sleep about you know, what I needed to be doing We're about to get tenants. They have dogs. I'm so scared. I'll just kill them in the night I also met jade's uh, brazilian parents and oh, yeah, you know what's great. You know what's great, baby

It was great when you can meet like I've met adam rey's parents. Yeah Yeah, I've met fiemes not his dad because he doesn't like the fact that fiemes do stand up But like I've met his brother and his cousins. I just really like meeting um comics families Because you get to see why they are the way they are And jade's parents are so cool So educated and they're brazilian and they're just really nice people and your dad is very funny Yeah, you can just tell by when he smiles his eyes crinkle. Do they have accents? My mom does. Yeah, my mom my dad doesn't Yeah, I see both but she's brazilian. I wish I could get my mom's accent down. I can't do it

Why I don't know just please try it. Yeah try jade. Why why do do the faces? They are so ugly when you That's dead on that's good. I know your mom sounds like yeah, she sounds like a donatella like an impression of donatella, you know Is it difficult being with a comedian like living with them because you've been with nick for like nine years, correct? No, six and a half almost seven. Wow Sometimes it's hard. I want I want to say it's not but sometimes I do feel like there's some projects I really want to work on that he gets to work on and I feel jealous sometimes. I'm being honest Well, he was a writer at senile. Yeah, he is a very talented. I think very good stand up I've had him open for me too. We help each other but sometimes it is hard because you know, you have your own insecurities

And they get kind of flared up. Yeah, sometimes. Yeah, what what was your experience? Because I know that your one of your ex-girlfriends is was also a comedian. Oh, yeah, was it so did you feel that way? um Well, you guys run different levels. Yeah, that's the problem is is I feel like jade and nick are on the same level We're on the same. Yeah, you know jade's gotten some stuff Nick has gotten some stuff and I feel like they're more of a power couple You know with with the girl that I she's still doing comedy and I hung out with her last night with I mean sunday night with sarah. I haven't seen her in years. Sarah is her name with margaret show

She's very talented. Very talented. Very funny and um But we also are in a a together. Yeah, so you have to I think you're supposed to talk about I mean, I'm just we're not She's done it so many times We're not on me. We're not and um We're not Yeah, I think that and she's also I don't know. She's a great girl though

And I think we ended in a a kind way. It wasn't ugly We just kind of you know, naturally like you And then some relationships I've had you've had I've had to be a cold and a christine, you know christine Yeah, I do. Yeah, and I had to uh end up pretty cold That vagus drip was crazy crazy I think why was it crazy? It was just a lot of well the first time we went it was for poly shores like

Showtime show. What was it? Oh my god But I wasn't there for the show for comedy I was there doing promo work and I was so broke that I crashed in the hotel room with them at the same weekend Yeah, and I was waking up like 6 a.m. Working till 6 p.m. In like high heels with like It was april macy benji. No, who was performing though? Oh, um, oh, who's that really funny asian girl? Yeah, what's her name? Oh my god. Why is she in the apatow movies? She's so funny. Oh, yeah, charlie knee. Yeah, charlie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she's so sweet Oh my god. I have the best story from that trip. So I oh my god. Do you remember this? Oh, you're not walking down the street

Yes So the palms and rio the two hotels are like pretty close together walking distance but far apart like a 15 minute walk in vegas, which is A mile she used to live there. Yeah miles. It's pretty cold. We're out one night We get wasted everyone's parting me and dave one of the guys who I went to college with have this like wild night Well, we're like kind of kissing kind of nod just like having fun pretending We're getting married and looking at rings like up all night We sleep in the same bed fully clothed like purse still He wakes up. He's like, oh, fuck. I have a rod

I have to take this ride to the airport with charlene and bobby I have to go and he like runs out and I run out and I'm wearing like a tiny dress from the night before Like a tiny purse and they're in the car and they drive off and I'm walking from the rio to the palms or whatever And they drive by me as I'm taking this like walk of shake It's freezing outside and they're and bobby just sticks his finger out the window and just like Laughing And then I get to the hotel and I realized that I had benji's fucking Mercedes parked at I could have just fucking taken the car Yeah, yeah. Oh, it was worse. Yeah, I laughed

Is that the trip where your brother went to? Yes, Steve's out to this day. Steve is a house jay With hearts in his eyes though. I love him. We bonded that. Well, we used to have lunch all the time. Yeah We both loved in hollywood. You used to stay in the same room as Steve. Did you? No, I stayed with uh, nicole booty. Oh, yeah He's under the impression that I think you guys had a love connection. We did Wait, we bond it. We bond it. You think you bond it, but he thinks it was like real Yeah, we did we fell in love. Yeah, we fell in love. I think he's a good kid. He does that a lot Yeah, he's so cute. He he drew me my favorite portrait

Ever I haven't framed at my home. Oh, you do. Yeah, we drew a picture of you. Yeah, and I have like a beard in it That was just probably shading Yeah, that's why I love about it. It's so bad. It's so good It's a remarkable how long I've known you but you see to me. You're still a kid I'm still a kid. Yeah, and we talked about also, um Just the crushing when Manhattan love story got canceled crushing depression. Yeah, I watched it You did. I like that girl the honoling. Yeah, me too. I liked honoling a lot. She was in that um, Steve Carell movie Yes, she's been a lot of she's like had a really incredible career

But like people don't realize that you you test. I mean, I hate when we talk about show business on the show But I have to where you you know audition for something they call you back Then they call you back again, and then you have to do a studio test And then you do a network test and before the network test they tell you how much you're making Yeah, you sign something that you see the money So you see the money you're already buying things in your in your head. It's like ridiculous amounts psychologically psychologically It's just like what like my life could change. Yeah pulling a baby. This is all I've ever wanted Yeah, yeah, and then you actually get the show

And then you do a pilot which rarely gets picked up So you're winning all these little lotteries Right and the final lottery is it for this thing to stay on for seven years. Oh my god I can't even imagine. I know. Yeah, that's and you're there So I was on animal practice. You had done, you know, um Manhattan love story and you're now you have one final hurdle And then it gets canceled now. I understand that you know boohoo Right, but to us it's Crush it. It is boohoo. I would cry. It's incredible. It's incredible the disappointment and nobody cares everybody's like, all right

On to the next like yeah, it's so The network is like we're moving on that was a dime to us. Yeah disposable. You guys are absolutely And you're working together with these people they become your family You're I was with these people for half a year every single day in New York all day. Yeah, I moved to New York I had to get an apartment in New York. Yeah by all the furniture everything. Yeah, and it just ended like hey, it's done Sorry, and it was everywhere. The cancellation was really it was the first one canceled of the year. Oh my god Oh my god, and you cried you said for many years Yeah, it's been two years now. It's done for me. I was with um

Betsy Sadaro love Betsy. I love Betsy. So Betsy and are sitting there on set for animal practice and The Russo brothers come on now the Russo brothers directed the second and third community. No civil war The captain american movies. Oh Another action and they're amazing movies. They got rated high You know, so they're had moved on but at that time they had done community and they had done animal practice, right? So the Russo brothers walk together joe and anthony on set already

I know there's something wrong because you never saw them together And then they rarely came to set It's like on love. You never see judge yet only comes once A year You know what I mean, and then you never see him again, right? And you know that it's a 911 situation is is if you know the Russo brothers showed up as soon as they walked up on stage I turned up at sea and I said we're getting canceled And she her lip trembled

She's so sweet. She's like what? I got we're getting canceled and one day made the announcement, right? Betsy Siddharah's head is facing the ground, right? You can see people just disheveled me tears Coming down because I hadn't worked since That tv and that was like a six-year hiatus. Yeah And the Rolling Stones had done an article saying that this is their last chance these actors Oh, that's a word. Yeah, I have it. I still have it. So they said every single Tyler Labine

Just Justin Kirk Bobby Lee This is their last chance. Why? Because Tyler Labine still had I know I understand that but it was true Wait, I want to know. Uh, how was the how did the monkey tick the news? He was like Yeah, yeah, he's busy. He's like I gotta get get on my plane. How did you find out? I was I came home after working all day. It was like 6 30 la time I was on my couch and my agent called and said it's over. It's done. I go. What's done? I have no I like

Literally didn't even my brain just didn't And it was my boyfriend had just started snl Which you got I don't know if you guys have heard rumors, but it's the most intense like all involving like he was spending the night there Almost every night like it's you know, so I didn't have it's the most insane insanely miserable It's miserable. Yeah work environment of all time knew the show got canceled Nobody was was saying anything but I could tell that and then there was a joke actually once on snl about failed sitcoms And nobody warned me and we were all watching the show and it got like a big laugh in the writer's room and I was like

Yeah So it's you know, it's it's a devastating thing But and then and then you go to your regular life and you do the road And then you do these, you know, you play some some rooms at seat 200 seats and you can only get 40 people in the room Right and you know like the club manager and you know are like they're all depressed because they're making no one's making any money Bobby's making his son sorry. Yeah, and you're in the back. You're in the back, right? Contemplating suicide or like some sort of thing, you know, also this club didn't have a bathroom we could use unless you cross the entire audience

Yeah, it was it was it like is it like an old theater? It's an old theater. Yeah, just a bunch of office chairs That's literally like I'm not exaggerating. It's a great room. It really is. It's huge. It's huge It's called the Arlington draft house and it's family run and um I'm gonna play it for the rest of my life if they have me. Yeah, my family was right there So I was like, yes, they treat you so good and they're like family And um, the DC improv I played but they didn't want to pay me any money. So I moved on and Arlington draft house Are very generous and fair and that's all we want as performers. Yeah We want to just be in a bathroom in the back. Yeah

In a place where I can pee or take a poop right before I go on stage That's like my thing that I do and I both times I couldn't take a poop. It was very difficult for me Oh, yeah, he does stand up Cool. Well, he dabbles in there three times. You can't dabble. He's done three times. Yeah, either go full four and go or not at all I'm a sketch boy Why'd you just say it like that? Every time I tell people why I do, no, I feel like every stand-up has been like, ah, you're a sketch boy. I'm like, yeah Why do you say sketch boy? I just picture you going like give me a suggestion and you got like tiny underwear on

Pineapple I love I sketched one sketches the hardest form. I feel like it's like impossible. Nothing is fun. Yeah, nothing is fucking funny and sketchy It's so rare that I'm like that's good But I feel like everyone is the audience is so much more forgiving You know, they laugh at everything. They had to put a wig on. I'll give it. Yeah Yeah, every ucb show I've gone like people are just so supportive But I stand up, you know, I've gone religious crickets. Well, because people go I can do better than that Yeah, always everybody thinks they can do stand-up everybody. I know I swear it's a phenomenon

It is but they don't do it No, not everybody can do stand-up. That's why and they try it. I love it. I love when people dudes That go, yeah, I can do it You know what I mean? No problem And then they do it and they eat a miserable death. Yeah, and I like watching it fuels you it doesn't fuel me It just makes me go, you know, just smile like this is not This is very difficult. Mm-hmm. You know I always see those just I I feel like some of them would just be lifers like some um, he

Persuaded me one year and Thought it'd be a good idea for me to go to open mics. Yeah, so I big grudgingly did you have to but he only did it Just so I could feel the agony and misery and torture. Yeah, he had no other motive other than to just make me miserable Yeah, so I was miserable I went to a handful of them, but I found that there are lifers that are life Let our open micers probably who've probably been doing it for 20 years. Oh my god. Yeah That's my problem never stop and they never but maybe isn't an outlet or they just don't have they're delusional like I can't I think it's a mixture. I have the I have a problem. There's some delusions in comedy where I

In relationships where and this is a character defective mind and other comics know that I used to do it Yeah, but you know, I used to like with my relationships Kind of like I did to Kalilah. Yeah Like with Christine. She has she's an accountant. Yes, right? And she's like I convinced her that she could be an actress And now she's getting headshots And then I got her an agent I got her an agent right and then I remember Going to an audition with her a commercial audition

Sitting there and I had a revelation Like she shouldn't be doing this Why do you why do you make them do it? I don't know why it's a I'm gonna have a child. I call this bullshit almost immediately though. Yeah, I mean there's It's a power thing for him. Yeah He wants he's a fucking puppeteer. He wants to know that he can just Put you in his palms and then wave you around to an audience, you know And that's mean because I'm sure she really believed it because she cared about your your opinion

And he does this a lot to a lot of open micers. Just keep doing it. You're really talented like no, he fucking ate it What the fuck are you talking about? And he tells him quit your job move to la And You know and he told he told one of his good friends Um, who's not doing very well in another field. He said dude, just just do stand up, man. You're gonna be really great Bobby I'm a surgeon. I'm a neurosurgeon Right, Bob. He's and his friends are always like, I'm dead

You've got this man something about your face. Why are you saying? Yeah, why do I do that? Because you want to see him fail. So you also make pad, you know, it pads your ego too And it pads my I have control. I have control problems too Like nick, I like whenever nick does stuff with this just his friends. I'm like, what about me? Like I want to be like involved in everybody else I have like that you have that's your thing. Yeah, because I well because I didn't speak english night It was like, what are you guys talking about? So like when I was a kid, you know, oh, yeah, you came like kalayla Yeah, it was raised in a different country. Yeah, how old were you? I was 12

Oh, so you spent a good amount of time in a different country. I was a person already, you know, yeah And it was a weird transition. I never talk about it on stage. Like I joke about it a little but it was It was traumatic What happened to 12 years you lived in brazil 12 years I lived in brazil And then my uh in sampaulo so city like in the building all the time dreamt about a pool You know, like I would see american movies and be like, well You know, it's like the american dream and then we came to virginia and it was snowing We had never seen snow before we were like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah, and all the kids in the neighborhood donated clothes to us because we didn't have like snow clothes I just had this like jet's jacket. I remember very vividly We had like shower caps on our feet and this neighbor girl came over and offered us hot cocoa And cocoa means poop in portuguese My sister pushed her. Yeah. Yeah, and we had to go apologize and blah blah blah But we always kind of had a rivalry with that girl ever since that You baby. Um, I was almost 15. Oh, very similar story except I came to from the philippine same thing when I watched movies I always thought wow America's the greatest candy girl

I lived in in the fucking pits of la in the ghetto. I thought I was living high class Yeah, I thought I wrote home like we live next to a kentucky fried chicken It's such a big deal. Yeah, and guess what I was in japan and guess what they don't serve it with rice. They serve it with potatoes I mean aircondition They have aircon and it was um first week of november And we I had three sweaters on it's in LA because I was so fucking cold Yeah, and I we lived in a cockroach infested one bedroom apartment, but I thought to myself. Wow. This is it guys We made it. We did make it though. I mean, it's I think about this all the time like they

They sat my mom sacrificed her literal life. Yeah in a cool place where she knew everybody To like a place where you know people treated her like shit because she had the same and my mom would work 12 hour shift to get paid 20 dollars under the table for the whole day as a caretaker and they they they They treated her like shit. Yeah, and she would take three buses to get there And it was but in her mind it was so grand and big and something she could be proud of And I never yeah I mean, I didn't have a car until I was 23 even because I just had a bus pass my whole life

But I never thought to myself. Wow. I'm I'm not doing well. I always felt thankful. Yeah, like, you know, this is okay Like we're living okay from a different country. Yeah, my people don't understand how big of a thing that is Yeah, we had a pull-out couch for my sister and I my parents slept on the floor, but I still thought this is grand Yeah, it it doesn't occur to you. You can't but then you come from but island You know So when I hear people and they're fucking first world problems, it's true It really wears on me. I know our family always like kind of slept in same rooms in hotel room We just didn't understand that people didn't do that. Right. We just didn't get it

Yeah, it was because and also we're so physical too. That's another weird thing that was like people are like, why are you hugging me? Why are you touching me? Like you hold hands with your family your mom dad sister everybody? I kiss my mom in the mouth. Yeah, it's it's It's true. Well as most you know, I shower with my sister He thinks it's not okay. It's lesbian and and inset. No, it's not. If you look in the dictionary, it's very sexual It's very sexual. What dictionary has that in it? The urban dictionary But that's just a shower together So you're saying that that is

From a different country that kind of yeah, my mom will come into the bathroom and pee while my sister and I are both Showering and you're good with that. Yeah, I mean my dad wouldn't come in there and take a shit while we're like showering Yeah, yeah, yeah Because if my dad was showering and my brother and I would walk in there He would get out of the shower and then whip us with a towel Naked well you and your brother are sussed together. So you know what? I would whip you too. What do you mean sussed? I mean, I'm suss like suss suspicious. Like I would I would probably Guys are tricky. Well, we guys are tricky. Tricky pear. You know, it's too quiet. Uh, what cat are you fingering?

Whoa, yeah Accurate, yeah, very accurate, but whoa Yeah, well, that's interesting that you guys had similar, um kind of you know, I have another friend named, um, Anna and she's from Romania and very very similar stories. Yeah I I don't want to say we're better, but I think that There is a little bit of an element of having lived A little bit more a little bit faster when you grow up in a country. That's not particularly rich Oh, yeah

And I think you see a lot of things that you don't ever and I think that's a luxury to see those things at a very young age Well, also, they say your brain is capable of more things when you're when you speak more languages It opens like parts of your brain that neurologically people that speak one language Really we'll never hear you speak portuguese. I do fully real. Let's say something It's another weird thing too about social like socially kids in other countries are like, uh, more adult More grown up and like because they have to grow fast and then you come here and kids are like picking their nose And shit and eating it in fourth grade. You're like, what is this? I was talking about maybe having sex last week You know what I found too is that you're very

Sophisticated sexually. I think I mean I had to grow up fast. Yeah. Are you sophisticated? I feel like you are too Yeah, talking about sex isn't taboo to me. Yeah. Yeah, like if I mean, I'll talk about if I have a hemorrhoid I mean, I'm very open about stuff and I don't think it's a big Like does Nick eat your butthole? Definitely Yeah, and you like I refuse you gotta eat a little bit of butt man First world first world problems. Yeah, I know you gotta eat some ass, man Yeah, so you were like sexual early on when did you lose your virginity? I was 16 really in a closet. That's a real story

Really? Yeah, I have a joke about it, but it's real But yeah, man, I don't know it didn't hurt. He had a What? He had a vagina. He had a vagina I didn't realize it so much later on. Uh now. Yeah, it was it was a gentle first time I'm in the name break. Yes. He didn't break. Yeah. It was very sweet. Well, you were 16, babe 15 15. Yeah, but I wasn't ready then. I wasn't ready either. I regret it But I got a finger blasted and I was 12. Well eight because I got molested by a cousin because we all sleep together Wow, that's a lot. That's a lot. So my hymen probably broke in. Yeah, it hurt then

But then my first time losing it was like, oh my god, can you imagine you gotta watch dog tooth? You guys are gonna love it. The Greek director who does lobster I just saw lobster and I I fell into a really dark place and I don't want to watch it again There's a scene where it's the fucking bitch kills his brother who's a dog and I Oh, yeah, I forgot. Yeah. No, it's a it's a similar kind of darkness, but it's sexual darkness That's your name. Your ghost length of us. That's his name. Good memory You know what? I don't know this guy, but just the premise of lobster seems very original It's a similar. I like the name dog. It's really dark and weird and I it took me and it's all of it is like in subtitles

And I'm not sure what languages are speaking. I think it's a made-up language in dog tooth. Yeah Oh, so dog tooth was a foreign movie and then lobster that he did his first american movie Yeah, that's basically his like office version of this other short like it's not a short film But it's like a sundance type film. Oh, wow. I love what that happens. Me too. Yeah I love foreign directors like I like to kashi mike a lot I feel like they push the envelope a little bit more and like weird something different I just don't want to know the ending has a movie called go goji Or goju where um a woman crawls out of another woman's vagina

Yeah You get that you're on check about though Yes, I was on whole That wasn't enough not tight enough to come out of a vagina. No, you're you would just pop out Small little peanut head On it. You have no titties at all I said that this weekend Does that offend you when I say that? No, you know what else I said? Smalls are the best

Yeah, I also walked down the street with her. You know over in virginia and I just sit to her and I really mean this I view her Absolutely with no sexuality And never have that's what a girl likes to hear you. Yeah No, it's like a fully developed woman. You're a sexual Wood or something. Yeah, you're calling me a Pinocchio. You're calling me Pinocchio. You're an ornament like what is this? Is this like, you know, by the way, I zoom a very hard pants elaborate

Give eyeballs on your hands. If I just had tits, you would think I was hot if I just had fake tape you have A magnificent ass. That's all anyone. Thank you very much. You do. She does That's the first thing I ever noticed about her in what way in what world She's pretty and then she goes out this way. Yeah, but that's like that's like the best type of proportions You don't want the opposite. You don't want big tits and no Sometimes I want like big boobs because I didn't mind out. I had implants. I look at boobs and I'm just like Like it's a natural response. She does. She does do that. I love boobs. Yeah, but you also love women. She says I do I love women. Yeah, and you've had many women lovers

Women lovers, correct? Like relationships. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I really love relationships lovers I have had some female lovers a lot of work a lot of work. It is emotionally or sexually Sexually, it's all the same. Do you so you're you're into eating pussy then? Yeah, I have any I mean, I've been with Nick I've been you know, I'm in a monogamous relationship and I'm always like, let's have a threesome and then I'm like, no like We had like we almost had a foursome like not too long ago and it wasn't good With a second couple or yeah with another couple And I backed out. I was like, I can't let's go planned or how did that come about? I just it's weird

It was weird. We were just hanging out. We were both in the same hotel and then The only way you're gonna feel okay about it is if you plan it without him knowing and you surprise him with it So you have the control. I want to suck a dick with another girl But I can't have the girl be someone we know exactly in the city or there's an app for that Thrender. Yes, that's who should sponsor this fucking. Yes Because we were in I think uh in a different city one time and he was sleeping and I was bored and I was like Hmm, but I would only feel okay with it. So I longed on yeah So if I orchestrated the whole thing so that I have a relation to find a girl that's want to fuck me

There's no way But what is that? Why is your butler butler you got credit You fucking asshole, you're a butler. I have a butler. Oh butler. Yeah, you're the gardener. You fuck Yeah, I'm the Mexican guard. I'll be like Bobby. It's fine. You have tits. They're bigger than mine Yeah, you're never gonna find a girl that's gonna go. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna fuck that yellow Every woman that you've ever told me you fucked are all beautiful women Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about because they have specific You know, I mean they see the thing so other people will too. Yeah based on a photo. Look, I'm not I'm gonna interview her

I'm not gonna be like hey show up one day the the reason it's okay with your process. Hello. Thank you so much for coming What about a tiger belly fan? No, because that's too they're too clean. Yeah, they can't be fans because it's clean They're very clingy and they can extort We'll fly one from fucking new york or something. You don't get to fucking orchestrate it Look, I won't agree to this unless I do all the planning without your knowledge So if I show up and it's some fucking, you know, ugly girl, I have to do it. It won't be come on She wants to fuck her too. It's not gonna be an ugly dog. Have a little faith in me. Exactly

When? Tonight tonight But I thought about it because I've you know, because I've been going through a lot of like health issues And I was feeling just extremely unsexy and just yeah, and I thought to myself, you know what that's something that I that could spice it up Even for myself because he was getting pretty lame too. You know, I was like, oh god, like, you know, we got to turn this shit on a little bit Yeah, yeah, it happens. That should happen Yeah, and I don't think that it's something we ought to not talk about it's honest and it's real So yeah, if if I if I propose another pussy and throw it where you're away, you better accept

You better accept if you turn it down and don't fuck it up forever Yeah, I will never do it again. I won't trust she won't trust you Wow so much pressure because I'm a little bit of a boyer. I have this threesome. You fuck I like watching I like watching. I like the jealousy. I feel it kind of gives me more of a little bit of fire I told you I told we got laugh dance once and that happened to me Nick is gonna want to do it I I was like watching it and I thought I would be jealous and then I was like into watching her with him I was like, okay. No, yeah, let's do it

Really? Yeah, he never wants to go to the strip club with me and he's like, no it's gonna graduate into Something else is going to become something. We've done a couple couples lap dances together But then the girl is always like I have a boyfriend too and I'm like Like they don't find me sexual either, you know, like I'm like trying to rub on them and like you're funny. I'm like, what? Yeah, your person now is awesome. Yeah, they're like, yeah, tell me a joke. Yeah. I'm okay. Okay. Okay. Um, we will try it It has to be maybe a different country surprise me. I don't even want to think about it Exactly my time my all my rules. I'm having a little panic attack. I don't know. I have to do show up. Relax, baby

I know plenty of sluts, babe. Trust me. They're all girlfriends of mine. They're my throwaway friends that I I just have hung out with here and there but don't really have a real relationship If they're listening tonight and then they get a phone call in a week. They're like, oh, no, it's me It should be okay with it. Yeah, I know people like that. Yeah, I'm scared. So let me let's let's walk it through then Okay. No, I just want to walk it through. I need to walk it through. Okay. This is so give me a scenario So you well, how would you say this is what I would do? I would say, hey I would probably get a room at the line hotel or something just just to tell you. Hey, let's spend the night here And I don't know what let's let's call me. Let's say I'm let's say I'm down the street

Call me. Tell me how you're gonna do it. Bring bring bring bring bring. I would text you. I wouldn't call you. That's I'll text me then I would surprise you and just say hey meet me here. Let's have dinner here. Why we let's go home Um, no, just all right. I'll go. I'm ready. I go to the lion's hotel and then what happens and I say hey Like I got us a room, you know, just spice it up. Oh We can fucking then go home. That's a nice. So I go upstairs, right? Yeah. Yeah, and then what happens There's another Who's this and she'll go. Hey, hi, you're gonna ask questions. I'm amber. Yeah, I have to ask questions Who the fuck is this? You know what come in? You're already making out with the girl. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good one

Well, wait, I come come in and she's making out with her. Yeah. Wait, this isn't just for you This is also for me. You're just making out the girl And then they look at you and they go like this. Oh my god. Yeah, and then and then what happens? No, stop. Okay, sorry He nuts right there It's done and they're like just watch tv while we finish. You know what? It's the new world. It's 2016 It's the new world and I have to learn it's developed. You know what? It's maturity being able to be open and sexually The in not connecting emotions to it is a maturity that I don't have yet Yeah, I don't think I ever want to live a life so restricted to the point where I can't tell my partner like hey

These are my desires. I don't think I ever want to prison or cage myself in that way And that's the reason why bobby is so attracted to me because he has that same We talk about we would I would never cheat on him. I know he would never cheat on me But should that should we ever cross that bridge together? We were like, okay, you know what? Let's spice it up a little bit I don't think that anyone would take it personally or in a way other than yeah, like You know and I yeah, I'm interested Report back to us. Okay, and I think my mom was and my parents did that but they just kept it on the download back in the day What like mistresses? Yeah, but her situation her dad was how old was her dad when you met your mom?

He was in his two. He made me. I was his last lucky sperm. I was um He was in his 60s. My mom was in her 20s. No Is he still alive? He died at 80 13 years ago. Wow. He was old though. 80. Yeah, live a good life Yeah, so you knew him for a long time. That's you still got to know him for a long time Yeah, I also like the fact that you're you you're like me in the sense that you can tell your parents anything everything They don't even remember half of the stuff. They didn't even remember that cocaine story. Yeah. Yeah, like I I remember going to to getting a prostitute Because I used to work for this guy named Dono Yasuachi

Oh, this isn't I fuck it. I haven't seen him in years a million and he owns all this like farmland You know how I say I used to sell corn on I used to have jokes where I said sold corn on the side of the road But people don't know that I worked on a farm I chopped corn You really did. Yeah, I chop. Yeah, I How did you chop it like in half? Yeah with the mexicans. Why would you need to chop a whole heart? You know what? I wouldn't even chop the chopping is not I would load corn. Okay. Yeah I would load corn and they would chop. I would load the corn sell half cobs

Can we pause real this corn farm story? Okay, there's so many photos of you in this one room like so much You're telling me about your corn pass as you're like That's great. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, tell us more. Anyway, don't only got to watch you I was um Um, 17 he goes hey you hear that accent you don't you you you never fucked before, huh? Yeah, how old are you like 17? Okay. Okay. No, no, no, I never fuck You know, I you know, I take uh clients, you know, like from like grocery stores vans ralves You know what I mean? And I take them to la funda beach and we get a hotel. We fuck girl. You want to come? I go, yeah, I'd love to come and so I'm sitting in this like kind of hotel

And he would they would bring girls in right and Donald he was so cool guy Japanese dude pick I picked one. I fucked my first I was you know, Your first girl. Yeah, and then um, I went home and told my parents And they responded and they were like, okay, I mean they because I was I was sober at the time I got sober when I was 17. Yeah, so they just cared that I was sober They didn't care that all this other stuff. So I tell them every single fucking thing. Because up until that point, he had only had dick The way you fucking say it though, it's like it makes me regret even you had more you had more dick in your teens than I did Wait, wait, were you with boys for sure?

Absolutely. I wish Steve was here Oh, yeah, Steve. Steve's told me some crazy stories. Oh, you don't even know I have some crazy ones and if I tell some cousin one All right, all right. Oh, Jay knows All right. Yeah, but I did have some homosexual experiences a young person And we talk about it every fucking week. I don't want to talk about it anymore But my point is is that but what I love about your parents though Is is that you can say things and I think you're like that with your mom

You could tell your mom anything and do you think that that's because we have Your do you tell your parents everything most of my mom my dad he doesn't care because he thinks he knows everything Yeah, she probably tells him everything too. Yeah, he knows like parents are tricky. You'd think that they're like Like they're always it's cultural. I think we're just way more. I think it's cultural. Yeah in my aunts and uncles They're all filthy people man Like at a dinner table like I would never want any of you guys Are you george to ever sit in on like a family dinner? It's just you're too white. It's it's really just R-rated disgusting

Yeah, like inappropriate because even when I go home because I've you know, I've been in America for a while now So every time I go back to the Philippines. Yeah, Jesus tone it the fuck down. They're like kids everywhere, you know Yeah, they don't care. They don't care. Yeah Yeah, she'll fucking my aunt my tita sea seal she'll Pull her she'll show her tits at the dinner table. She'll pull her fucking thing down. She's like look look. I'm 60. I still shave It's aggressive look at my nipple is pinkie. Yeah, and you're eating calamari you're like Very like But I'm that's I that's very me humor. I just think it's so funny

I always think oh my god. What does that genital look like? I just want to see everybody's genital Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you always think that guy has a dick, but maybe he doesn't like I showed jade might be dick photos I think you showed everybody. I don't think I've ever seen your oh, yeah when you're standing. Yeah. Yeah Like my my growing up my dinner tables with family were violent and insane What do you mean? Why like my I had dinner I was a kid and we used to have all our cousins uncles and aunts like maybe every other month come to our house Yeah, right so everyone lived in san diego and um my dad's sister got drunk one night

and she said Just in front of 60 people I don't know why you married this one. She's ugly to my mom Oh my god So my dad took a knife. Oh, yeah leaped across the table and stabbed her in the neck. Oh my god. How deep Like it's it's scarred her. You know what I mean, but wait it was chaos wait attempted murder much Yeah, and then another time I remember my dad Um, we went to my cousin. Dong is what we called them

Dong It means shit brother Younger he is younger, right? Yeah. Yeah. No, he hung his brother and don't shit. Yeah shit brother Right. So we were living in minnesota and then we came back to san diego and he we walked into this house And don't young hadn't seen my dad in a very long time and don't you hung it was in high school at the time I see we walked in and don't young was walking up these stairs, right? And my dad goes greet me

Like in korean because that's like and don't young didn't even say anything. He just walked into his room, which as a kid I knew uh, oh Right. So my dad goes. Yeah Right don't young peeks out. He's in high school. Yeah, probably high, right? He walks down the stairs My dad puts him in a moi tai clinch and starts kneading his face. No Yeah, like nine times, right? Next thing I know ambulance, right? There's chaos. Yeah fish We don't be people being ripped apart from each other, right?

And I remember being outside in the backyard with my mom crying My dad is like being held down in the living room by my He's my my uncle, you know, it was just chaos That's insane. How old are you then? I don't know like 11. Holy shit. Yeah, but it's like that was you know, I'm always You know, and I think I don't think that happens in white homes. No, I don't think that happens in most homes I feel like don't young deserved it. Yeah That's what a little

It's like saying shut up and going into someone else's home and then shut up to someone. Oh, yeah How do you say shut up in portuguese? So But I think that that has a lot to do with Just being immigrant immigrant homes are just a little different And then you see other families like I used to go to my friend Craig Crawford's house Yeah, and they would you know eat at six, you know, you know, and they had potatoes And then they would watch tv, you know tv afterwards

That's our next parents are and they don't talk about stuff like hard stuff like that. Yeah, and then you go home and you see my family You know, I'm in and my dad getting in a drunken fucking rage, you know But that's why you do your act That's why you're you you think so. Yeah, because you have control Yeah, I think that and it was such a lack of it was so crazy and chaotic, you know Yeah, people go. Why are you so crazy? And I go that's not crazy Exactly. You don't know what crazy is

I think that's what what were we at time an hour. Wow. Wow. She's very she's very good natural very natural Oh, thank you so much All right, so now what we do now is we do a um They email questions and it's called unhelpful advice Unhelpful advice. I bet nobody asked questions if I was the guest That happens a lot. What do they do? Unhelpful advice with barbie kalayla and little brown peanut That's good. I had no idea where that was coming from. What are you doing your little sketch, huh? I'm a sketch boy

If you see a sketch boy again, I won't say it again. It makes me cringe, too I will lose my father. My teeth are so fucking white. It's making me fat Okay, man. He's from second city chicago Right and he used to do sketches where he was fat. I didn't do this. Yeah, you did Really because we have videos of you doing that All right, go ahead. Give me the question. Hey guys. I'm nick 23 from uk. I got a bit of boyfriend Hi, I'm nick rutherford. This is the question for my I got a bit of a pickle is wonder what you guys thought

I met an english girl while traveling to thailand last year. She lives out there. So when I left we stayed in touch Lovely girl. We got along really well gonna go back there in november. Maybe pursue things. We aren't in a relationship So establish we can do that. We can do whatever we want ignorant ignorants is bliss, but we like each other So we said we shag other people Last week. I met a girl who also lives in london. We went on the first date. It was a splendid and et cetera Now when I'm talking to the first bird, I real I feel real good and I such a weird lingo reading Like I've cheated or something or proper mugged her off Except we aren't in a relationship. Should I feel guilty and my piece of shit? Should I tell her? What do I do?

Please help me. Oh, he feels guilty though But he's got really good like a moral compass. I would not feel guilty at all. We're not exclusive. We didn't agree to anything He shouldn't feel yeah, and if she all if this first bird obligates him to Like exclusivity without in a long distance. How old are they? Can we ask that? How old are they? Do we know 23? He's 23. I have no idea. Oh, maybe But the guilt shows that he likes the first exact as the guilt is showing him something or maybe not Maybe it's not liking. Maybe it's like he feels like Yeah, that's yours

Yeah, I mean I I was crucified by this one Australian guy who still wants me dead, but um, it's the same situation It's like we he was living in Melbourne. I was living here We would go see each other when we could but we never were exclusive. I did have love for him I might have exchanged a few. I love you squeezing that throws a passion But then she met me No, no, I met him afterwards But I would see other people

But he would go out of his way and he had me followed in vegas And he he broke into my instagram and found out that I was like seeing other people and he lost his shit He also got me banned from the cap city company And after you guys talked, oh, I love that club Barber these got banned from that comedy club because of this guy Cap city, Austin? Yeah. Oh, that's one of my favorite clubs. Yeah Well, yeah, it depends on what the rules were laid out like if you there's an understanding We're seeing other people you're seeing other fucking people

He was a Lebanese guy. He thought I was the one and that we were in some babies Yeah, babies are scary sometimes. Yeah, very his his family is pretty scary. So I wouldn't I should he tell this girl No, I think you know, I don't think I think he should clarify like hey, I am seeing other people like I don't know. I mean does it depends on what he wants next? Yeah, if he plans on locking it down with her. No, like don't tell her don't tell her Start with a you know fresh Slate and you know, she'll never have to know and I'm confused. He's in london Yeah, he's in the he met the other girl while he was in thailand, but they're both from london

So both birds are from london birds. Um Traveling with someone if you travel well with them stay with them. Yeah, it's a great thing. It's like I don't like it's like I met Kalaila when I was 40 Yeah, right and I'm I'm bummed that I didn't meet her earlier But I also want you to know just keep in mind that I'm wasting like my firm skinnears on you. So just Keep that in mind. Yeah, so either this is a big sacrifice. Yeah, I'm already, you know, I'm 31 Yeah, don't let don't stay with me another five years if you don't intend to stay with me forever Because I'll be a melted candle. I'm fucking bitch. I fucking made so much sacrifice

We put a wedding date. Let's put a wedding date. Come on. He's never gonna marry me. You know what? That's okay. If you asked her if you had a wedding, do you like me jay? I do like you. Thank you If what I get invited to the wedding. Yeah, of course you and nick. I love you, nick But that's all I want. Just a party. I don't really care. We could go to get um Go to the court thing. What do they do? I think that are you guys getting married? I would like to I'm starting to get to the point where I want to I think that you also Kira and Kalaila should do an extra Podcast we should Yeah, she does. I don't know her but I'm very nervous. I'm very nervous. I know who she is.

Yeah, chemistry wise. I think that it would fucking kill it. She's amazing. Yeah. Oh, yeah Wonderful. She's done a bunch of tons. She just wrote a book her second book too. She's witty. She's funny. So smart. She's a she's a whip I remember we did ryan keely. Do you know guys know her? She used to be a point star in ryan keely Yep, and she got totally naked And she did this thing. She was gonna sit on my lap. I was nervous that nick was gonna get mad at me Yeah, so she just came over and bit my neck and then I rushed home and masturbated really I was I was like it was like I couldn't because I couldn't touch her But I was so I was like, okay. I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go

Does he worry that you um would cheat with a woman or does he think he does? I think he's scared that if we have a threesome, maybe I'll be like, oh, I forgot You know, he um, he says he's never cheated on a woman Be he told me this one story where he went to like an all like a sex party and just jerked off To what afterwards but while they were there in front of no No, no afterwards. Oh, they used to you jerk off in front of them. My story is like his the one where he jacked off in the car Oh, no, that you didn't jack off in the car. Sweetie. You said you jacked off in front of them. No, I didn't that's cheating Oh, it is. Is that cheating?

That's cheating but I want to say this to um that you were really good on this podcast. I believe Yeah, you were amazing. Thanks for having me you guys. And then um, I think that okay, so let's plug some stuff So I was your your your twiddle twitter handle my twiddles your twiddle handle you guys can twiddle on my twiddle Uh, wait, when does this come out tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow night? Yeah, you guys can find me on twitter at the jade movie At the jade movie watch watch for each one if you're home on a friday I have a show called flashback friday. It's kind of like dinner in a movie that we play old movies and make fun of it It's and then um, yeah, your instagram's the same jade movie at the jade movie. Yeah at the jade movie and at the twitter Yeah, twitter same all same bullshit when you do girl code you do it with estra coup or no

No, she's not on it anymore. I'm I'm not really on it anymore either. I did a couple seasons. Oh, okay. My bad The show is still on though. Yeah, they did girl code versus guy code this round. I didn't do it Yeah, but you can check me out at the oxnard improv with neil and this weekend Oh What you're doing oxnard with neil this weekend. Is it the new one? That's the leaven the leaven e-line. Look at me right now. Yes, but you're gonna do it for me in october two Yeah, we're gonna shoot it. We got to get everything together. You guys should do that Yeah, jade and i are gonna shoot a pilot together. Yeah, we are and it's gonna be great. We should talk about it today

Yeah, yeah, but yeah come out come see some santa at the comedy store this week. We'll both be there No, i'm in uh, philadelphia. Oh, that's right. I like to plug my stuff. I'm at the philadelphia helium helium this weekend And um, let me ask you guys a question. I'm doing one more episode on mad tv tomorrow. Yeah, is that bad for my brand? No, you have to do it. You would have to do it. I've already done this my second time I don't want people to think though that like this is all you know, you're passing the torch You're just passing the torch to these kids. Yeah, by the way, if you didn't do it, that would be like what the fuck? Why is he not doing it? Yeah, ike's doing it everyone's doing it. Should i have done it? Should i have done mad tv?

Did i make a mistake? No jade was very close to getting mad and um, i thought i did good. You did great. Yeah, i think that she um Um, anyway, it's fine when it fits. It fits. It doesn't fit. Yeah, i didn't fit. But you were great. Thank you so much for coming here and doing it Hold an anti-climactic ending. What do you want me to do? Wait, you said there was a song that you guys wrote for the i want to hear it. Is it close off on it? Oh, she doesn't know my the song or the theme song. Oh, we'll show you after. Yeah, we'll show you my theme song. Yeah, i wrote it And i did all the music

Oh, he's sophisticated. I'm very sophisticated Yeah, all right. Tell us where are you this weekend philadelphia already said it and a month from now He's going to be in calgary at yuck yucks in canada. That is yes And they are currently looking for because we'll talk business afterwards. You would do that gig Yeah, I would love to do that gig, but i'm not looking at my calendar. So i need a podcast right now. Okay. All right. Bye Bye guys. All right. Bye everybody. Gilbert announcements. Uh, make sure uh, you follow us on instagram at tigerbelly I also on twitter at the tiger bell. If you have any questions, uh questions like nick, uh, you can email us at the tigerbelly at gmail.com You can follow follow klile at all social media at calamity k you can follow george at george underscore kimmel or at george kimmel

And you can follow me at gilbets. Uh next weekend. I'm gonna be the comedy comedy festival in la before margaret show. Check me out. Bye Yeah, bye guys. See you next week Prime members you can listen to tigerbelly ad free on amazon music Download the amazon music app today or you can listen ad free with wondery plus in apple podcast Before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey